Jokes of the day

"By the way, did you hear this? This just in, a backwoods hiker has found the wreckage of John McCain's campaign." --David Letterman

"John McCain has pulled out of Michigan. I guess the surge wasn't working. Yup, this is stunning to me. John McCain blew off Michigan. Well, I know how they feel. Maybe you noticed that all of John McCain's problems began when he bailed out on this show? Were you aware of that? The road to the White House runs right through here." --David Letterman

"And now we got like 28 more days and the campaign is getting ugly. I love this. ... Barack Obama called McCain erratic. And in response to those charges, McCain responded by yelling, turn down that damn music!" --David Letterman

"Are you excited about Sarah Palin? Well, yesterday she referred to Afghanistan as our neighboring country. Apparently, she can see bin Laden's cave from her house." --David Letterman

"Yeah, the economy is going to hell, but at least we're getting leadership from the White House. That's the important thing, ladies and gentlemen. Thank God for that." --David Letterman

"According to a new survey, only 25% of Americans think Sarah Palin is qualified to be president, which sounds bad, but only 10% think Bush is qualified. So, it's really not that bad." --Jay Leno

During the vice presidential debate, Sarah Palin would wink a couple of times when she delivered a line. Did you see that? She'd kinda wink and try to use a little sex appeal. See, the other candidates could never get away with that. Like, if Barack Obama winked, that would seen as too condescending. If Joe Biden winked, it'd be too creepy. And if McCain started winking, everybody would think he was having a stroke." --Jay Leno

"During the debate the other night, the moderator asked Sarah Palin to describe her Achilles heel, but instead of talking about her biggest weakness, she talked about her greatest strength, which apparently is not answering questions." --Jay Leno

"And Richard Fuld, the former CEO of Lehman Brothers was grilled by Congress today. And they made him explain why he took $480 million in compensation, when he knew some shareholders would lose their life savings. Turns out, he had a good reason. Apparently, he is a greedy bastard." --Jay Leno

"Well, President Bush said this is good, the price falling, because see now people can afford to drive the cars they're living in. And in Bangkok, a candidate for governor beat up a TV reporter for asking him tough questions. Today, Sarah Palin said, 'You can do that? Where's Katie Couric?'" --Jay Leno

"Big announcement today. John McCain's campaign, I don't know if you heard this, has closed their offices in Michigan, and they say they won't try to compete for votes there. That's the latest. Yeah, apparently, this is part of McCain's strategy to try to win votes only in the original 13 colonies. Focus on your strengths. He's going to campaign by horseback" --Conan O'Brien

[On screen: Palin during the VP debate, saying she 'may not answer the questions' the way people want]. "You know, the she-Bush is right. It's not about what you want to know. It's about what I want to say. Let's get to it. Biden, Palin, each candidate had a recipe for success [on screen: pundits saying Biden had to behave like a gentleman during the debate]. Give the woman you're debating special treatment to avoid appearing sexist. Okay. And what would Governor Palin have to do? [on screen: CNN's Jeff Toobin saying Palin has to prove she can 'simply speak in a normal English sentence']. So, to be successful, her standard tonight was the same as a roadside sobriety test." --Jon Stewart

"Did you folks see the second presidential debate? ... Yeah, but the debate got off to an awkward start when a confused John McCain said to Barack Obama, 'May I call you Joe?'" --David Letterman

"But this was what they call the town hall format, and that means that the candidates get to walk around on stage, and it was pretty successful, John McCain only wandered off twice." --David Letterman

"McCain was on stage with a hand mike, and I don't want to say anything because, look at me. But it was a little sad. He's got the hand mike there, and you could tell he was confused when he started singing 'Sweet Caroline.'" --David Letterman

"But this presidential debate was held in Nashville, Tennessee, and I think, according to Sarah Palin, that borders Iraq. I'm not sure." --David Letterman

"Tonight's presidential debate took place in Nashville, Tennessee, which is perfect, 'cause the economy right now is kind of like a bad country song, isn't it? 'I lost my girl, I lost the house, the dog died, the trailer's gone.'" --Jay Leno

"In Boca Raton, Florida, yesterday, a woman who looked like Sarah Palin caused a near riot when she walked into a diner for breakfast. And after a minute or two, people finally realized it wasn't her when she started answering questions." --Jay Leno

"And John McCain's wife, Cindy McCain, has won the 'Family Circle' magazine presidential cookie contest. Cindy won with a recipe for oatmeal butterscotch cookies, narrowly beating out Michelle Obama with her recipe for macadamia nut cookies filled with hope. In fact, John McCain says his wife's cookies are so soft, he can eat them without even putting his teeth in." --Jay Leno

"With all of the excitement of the election, it's easy to forget about President Bush, because next year, he'll be unemployed and he'll be at that awkward age -- too young to retire, yet too old to decimate another nation's economy." --Jay Leno

"President Bush's response to this economic crisis was to meet with some small business owners at a soda shop in San Antonio, Texas, this week. Well, the bad news? The small business owners are now General Motors, General Electric, and Century 21." --Jay Leno

"You think President Bush even understands what's going on? Like, today, they asked about the credit crunch, he said it was his favorite candy bar. He has no idea." --Jay Leno

"The second presidential debate is tonight. And beforehand, I don't know if you heard this, John McCain said, 'The gloves are coming off.' That's what he said, yeah. Yeah, then McCain said, 'but don't worry, the diaper is staying on.'" --Conan O'Brien

"In a recent speech, Sarah Palin referred to Afghanistan as 'our neighboring country.' Yeah, yeah. Then she promised to find Osama bin Laden in the mountains of Toronto." --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush gave a speech today about the economy. And he said he believes, this is his quote. He said, 'Anyone who makes bad decisions should fail.' That's what he said, yeah. Yeah, then Bush looked around the room and said, 'Hey, why did it get so quiet in here?'" --Conan O'Brien

"Did you watch the debate last night? I gave up drinking a while ago, but I started again. And I'm watching the debate last night, and I did a shot every time John McCain said, 'My friends.' And so I am just blotto." --David Letterman

"I kind of got a chuckle out of this. Tom Brokaw was the moderator of the debate, and at one point, Tom tells Obama and McCain that they're going to now answer questions that came in over the Internet. And you know what McCain said? 'Tom, is that the same as a telegraph?'" --David Letterman

"But they had the town hall format, and that meant that the candidates could wander around on stage. You know, I like John McCain, but wandering around on stage there, he looked like a retiree who can't find his Buick." --David Letterman

"Sarah Palin was not mentioned during the debate and did not watch the debate. I thought that was interesting. And they said, 'Well, Sarah, why? I'm sorry, Miss Alaska -- why didn't you watch the debate?' And she said, 'Well, I'm busy reading every newspaper and magazine ever published.'" --David Letterman

"During last night's debate, John McCain sparked a bit of a controversy when he referred to Barack Obama as 'That One.' Yeah, afterwards, McCain said, "What? Like I'm supposed to remember everybody's name now?" --Conan O'Brien

"Well, because of all the international focus on the election, last night's debate was broadcast in foreign countries all across Europe, Asia, and South America, or, as Sarah Palin calls them, Russia." --Conan O'Brien

"Time magazine says that the winner of the presidential election in Florida will be determined by voters under the age of 30. In case you're wondering, the Florida voters under 30 are named Kyle and Stacy." --Conan O'Brien

"Hey, did you all watch the debate last night between Barack Obama and John McCain? You know, all the networks had their own spin on it. Like, ABC called it 'Dancing Around the Questions.' I thought that was pretty good. MTV billed it as 'Ebony and History.'" --Jay Leno

"Boy, that was dull, wasn't it? Oh, my God. I guess this time they went with the town hall format. They use that because they say it demonstrates the next president's ability to think and talk at the same time. Or as President Bush calls that, 'showing off.'" --Jay Leno

"It got a little heated at one point during the debate. McCain talked about experience and he said, 'We don't have time for on-the-job training.' Then why did you pick Sarah Palin?" --Jay Leno

"And the only really new proposal last night came from John McCain. McCain proposed buying up bad homeowner mortgages. Not to save the middle class. You know McCain, he just likes buying houses." --Jay Leno

"You know, you see a lot of these financial experts on the news the last couple of weeks. And isn’t the very fact they’re in this mess proof there’s no such thing as a financial expert? Huh, huh? Anyway, the good news, Secretary Treasurer Henry Paulson called for calm today. The bad news, he made the call from the Cayman Islands." --Jay Leno

"Beautiful day in New York City today: it was 73 and sunny. John McCain, 73 and cranky."  --David Letterman

"Did you folks see the debate the other night. At one point, John McCain referred to Barack Obama as 'That One.' And McCain later, the thought maybe that something had gone haywire, he apologized. He said he got confused; he thought he was at the bakery."  --David Letterman

"But this is a good part of the campaign. Things are really getting nasty in the campaign. You enjoy it when it gets nasty? Listen to this: today John McCain tried to link Barack Obama to the Chicago Cubs. Ouch."  --David Letterman

"Sarah Palin. We like Sarah Palin, right? She's a lot of fun? Miss Alaska. Now she is saying that she doesn't know who Barack Obama really is, doesn't know who Barack Obama really is. Well, that's interesting, because she also doesn't know who Sarkozy is, Gordon Brown, Kim Jong-Il, Hugo Chávez, Vladimir Putin, Osama Bin Laden, the list goes on and on."  --David Letterman

"Ladies and gentlemen, the Bush administration is taking over the banks. So, hey, crisis over."  --David Letterman

"Here's another sign the economy is in bad shape: earlier today, Vice President Cheney took his stockbroker hunting." --David Letterman

"As stocks dropped sharply on Monday, President Bush urged patience with the government's new $700 billion plan, saying, 'It's going to take a while.' Of the course the good news is, he's never been right." --Seth Meyers

"McCain criticized Barack Obama for saying he would invade Pakistan to go after Bin Laden. McCain said he would never telegraph his punches. Well, telegraph maybe, e-mail no." --Jay Leno

"In describing her beautiful Alaskan home, Sarah Palin says that when she stands on her porch, she can see the moon. So you know what that means: she's now qualified to be an astronaut." --Jay Leno

"'W.' hits the theaters October 17th, the movie about the Bush administration, did you know about this movie? You know, the stock market's collapse, homes are being foreclosed on, unemployment's at an all-time high. Wait until Halloween; release it as a horror movie." --Jay Leno

"This week, independent presidential candidate Ralph Nader announced that he is opening up 22 campaign offices nationwide, which means that every Nader supporter will get his or her own office." --Conan O'Brien

"I don't know if you heard the news, but Wall Street now is a farmer's market. I don't want to say things are going downhill quickly, but Obama's new campaign slogan is 'Are you better off than you were four days ago?'" --Bill Maher

"Do you have money in the stock market, because it dropped 20 percent in a week. This week, the biggest loss ever. But don't worry: President Bush has a plan to bail out the bailout." --Bill Maher

"The other big story, of course, this week is how nasty and angry the crowds are getting at the McCain and Palin rallies, especially when Palin speaks. Now, to be fair, a lot of these fans of hers that are at these rallies have lost everything in the economic crisis: their mobile home, their waterbed, their meth lab." --Bill Maher

"Naturally the smart thing to do to solve your economic woes is to demonize the Democrats. And of course, Sarah Palin is more than happy to oblige. She's been saying that Obama hangs out with terrorists. And you know, I think the evangelical lady who's in a video getting blessed by a witch doctor, who's married to a secessionist, and can't name a newspaper -- she's right, Obama is scary." --Bill Maher

"The question she keeps asking at all of the rallies is, 'Who is Barack Obama?' You know what, genius, maybe if you'd picked up a newspaper in the last year you'd know. He's the guy who's kicking your ass." --Bill Maher

"The legislative panel in Alaska investing Troopergate released their report that says Sarah Palin illegally abused her power as governor by firing the state police chief because he wouldn't fire her sister's ex-husband. But they said she didn't actually break the law so she won't go to prison. Which is a pity because it would have been the first time she was ever involved in a complete sentence." --Bill Maher

"But all this doesn't matter because Obama keeps pulling away in the polls. Every week, he gets a little more ahead. And with almost all groups. Liberals, of course, always supported him. ... And conservatives like the idea of paying a black man to clean up their mess." --Bill Maher

"Tomorrow, America's most famous hockey mom, Sarah Palin, will drop the ceremonial first puck at the Philadelphia Flyers game. Right afterwards, she'll get out on the ice and skate around reporters' questions, so it should be interesting." --Jay Leno

"Before lawmakers in Alaska released their report on this troopergate scandal, Sarah Palin's campaign released the results of their own campaign clearing her of any wrongdoing. Thank God we cleared that up. Actually, I think it's legitimate, because apparently Palin can see the courthouse from her front porch, so obviously she's a lawyer." --Jay Leno

"Another kind of awkward moment today for John McCain on the campaign trail, another one of those town-hall-style campaign stops he likes to do. I guess a senior citizen asked 'What's the fastest relief, you know, for older people?' And McCain said, 'I like Imodium.'" --Jay Leno

"I'll give you an idea how bad the economy is: you know the giant national debt clock in Times Square that keeps track of the national debt? It's now run out of digits. This is true. It only goes up to a trillion, and we passed that. We're now going to add two more digits so it can go up to a quadrillion dollars. Are these even real numbers anymore? Don't they sound like the kinds of numbers you'd use when you argue with your friends?" --Jay Leno

"I saw a guy on Hollywood Boulevard said to a hooker 'What can I get for an extra 50?' She said '100 shares of General Motors.'" --Jay Leno

"All these countries are going to get together and brainstorm. So I guess that pretty much leaves President Bush out of the picture." --Jay Leno

"Today the Washington Post did an article; they compared the 2008 presidential election to the 1932 presidential election. They did a comparison, mainly because 1932 was the first time John McCain ran for president."  --Conan O'Brien

"You probably saw this on the news. A woman at a John McCain rally said that Barack Obama is an Arab. And McCain quickly corrected her. It was really awkward, because McCain had to tell her, 'Look, Governor Palin, you are wrong.'" --Jay Leno

"Not been a good weekend for Governor Palin. In a 263-page report, Alaskan officials said she abused the powers of her office, and that was an ethics violation. Wow, she's only been on the national scene a month, already has an ethics violation? Who said she's not ready for Washington?" --Jay Leno

"Over the weekend, Sarah Palin was booed at a Philadelphia Flyers hockey game. According to ABC News, the booing was so loud, they cranked the music up to deafening levels to drown it out. And to make it even more awkward, once they cranked up the music, McCain started yelling, 'Turn that crap down!'" --Jay Leno

"Happy Columbus Day, everybody. Today is Columbus Day, which means all the banks are closed. At least I think that's why they're closed. God, you realize Columbus is the only person to have closed more banks than President Bush. Isn't that amazing?" --Jay Leno

"And the finance ministers of the world's top economies met in Washington for an emergency meeting on the banking crisis. I thought this was nice. While they were meeting, they gave President Bush some Monopoly money to play with so he'd feel involved." --Jay Leno

"You know, do you think President Bush really understands any of this stuff? Like today, he was asked about General Motors. And he said, 'I think he's doing a fine job in Iraq.'" --Jay Leno

"You can tell every now and then that Sarah Palin spends a lot of time in Alaska, because when after she dropped the first puck at the hockey game, she cut a hole in the ice and began to fish." --David Letterman

"The third presidential debate is Wednesday night, and John McCain says he's going to win. Of course, he also told Custer the surge was working." --David Letterman

"But Bush says he's going to tweak the financial package. He's going to tweak the financial bailout. That's what he's doing now. He's tweaking that financial bailout. That's like the captain of the Titanic tweaking the brunch menu." --David Letterman

"Bush is trying to reassure Americans that things are going to get better soon. And I was thinking well sure, in three months he'll be out of office." --David Letterman

"Newsweek magazine's being criticized, because last week's cover featured a very unflattering picture of Sarah Palin. Yeah, Palin says it's the worst thing the press has done to her since the time they made her answer a question." --Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday at the White House -- you know, George Bush is still our President for a couple of more months -- and yesterday down in Washington in the White House, he met with Italian Prime Minister Berlusconi, but Bush kept calling him Boy-R-Dee. It was awful." --David Letterman

"Did you hear what happened at a rally yesterday? Sarah Palin mistook some of her supporters for hecklers. You know, confusion happens in all walks of life. For example, a few weeks ago, John McCain mistook her for a legitimate candidate. It happens." --David Letterman

"I'll tell you one thing about John McCain, the guy is an optimist. He sees the glass as half full of his teeth." --David Letterman

"That's awful, isn't it? How about this? Barack Obama, what a guy. He is actually going door to door, knocking on doors in a neighborhood, asking people if they'll vote for him. Coincidentally, John McCain is also going door to door, except when he knocks on a door, he says, 'Do I live here?'" --David Letterman

"President Bush announced today he is going to have the Federal government put $250 billion into US banks. Yeah. Bush also said if he's putting that much money into a bank, they'd better give him a big-ass toaster." --Conan O'Brien

"According to a group of Nobel prize-winning scientists, because of the economic crisis, the planet might actually improve from the damage of global warming, because we're using less fossil fuel and we're saving energy. See, this shows the brilliance of President Bush's plan. He was killing the economy, yeah, but to save the planet! The man is a genius!" --Jay Leno

"I think the economy is starting to turn around. In fact today, instead of just shooting animals for food, Sarah Palin is back shooting them for fun again." --Jay Leno

"Barack Obama also says that both men and women should have to register for the draft. What do you think of that? The first woman he wants signed up? Sarah Palin." --Jay Leno

"The biggest newspaper in Alaska, the Anchorage Daily News, says that Sarah Palin's reaction to this Troopergate report, you know where she was found guilty, was either astoundingly ignorant or downright Orwellian. To which Sarah Palin said, 'Do I have to pick one now, or can I get back to ya?'" --Jay Leno

"More charges of voter registration fraud with this group ACORN. Have you heard about this? This is turning into a huge scandal. Apparently, this group has charged with on putting phony names on voter registration cards, including Mickey Mouse. Mickey Mouse was registered to vote in Florida. Is that so bad? I mean, Goofy has been president for the last eight years." --Jay Leno

"Two big wildfires are burning. Apparently an ember hit the state liposuction fat reserve, and before they knew it, the whole place went up in flames. Right now emergency teams are trying to contain the fires, or at least drive them towards homes that have already been foreclosed on." --Jimmy Kimmel

"So far, more than 10,000 acres have been burned. Yesterday, Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger ordered a state of emergency to be declared. Or he might have ordered a steak with burgundy and an eclair. It's hard to tell. It's times like these when we think twice about electing a former bodybuilder from the black forest. Last time we had a big fire - he tried to slather it with baby oil." --Jimmy Kimmel

"There's a new bank bailout today. The government is taking a $250 billion ownership stake in a bunch of failing banks, which is great news, because at long last, banking will be as efficient as going to the DMV. And there's a debate going on right now about the whole thing. Financial analysts are saying, what does this mean for the country? On one hand, some experts say that buying up private companies makes us socialists, but others say it makes us communists, and it's hard to decide. I say, shoot everyone and let God decide." --Jimmy Kimmel

"How about that Senator Barack Obama? You know what he's doing? He's going door to door, knocking on doors, and it's fascinating. It's kind of like a throw-back. I don't know if he changed any votes, but today he came home with a big bag full of Halloween candy. How about that? But it was a little embarrassing when he rang a doorbell at two of McCain's houses." --David Letterman

"Did you notice how energetic and aggressive John McCain was during the debate? I think somebody added Red Bull to his Mylanta." --David Letterman

"Every debate's had one of these, where there's kind of an embarrassing moment, one of the candidates got confused. It happened again earlier tonight, John McCain, they're sitting at desks. That was the new breakthrough for this debate, sitting at desks. And John McCain kept asking about a senior discount on the grand slam breakfast." --David Letterman

"How about that Sarah Palin? Do you like Sarah Palin? She's exciting. She's interesting, isn't she? And she was at the debate, and she was blinking McCain's answers in code." --David Letterman

"Ladies and gentlemen, I got an update on Vice President Dick Cheney. He was admitted to a hospital earlier today, abnormal heart rhythm. But he's doing fine. He's okay. He's already sitting up, sneering at nurses. And he'll be out shooting hunting buddies again soon." --David Letterman

"Sarah Palin had her motorcade stop at a Wal-Mart so she could buy a bag of diapers. That's true. Yeah. Palin said she wouldn't have made the stop for diapers, but John McCain's completely out." --Conan O'Brien

"Josh Brolin, who plays President Bush in the new movie 'W,' says at first, he wasn't sure he should take the role, because it would be such an acting challenge. That's what he said. Brolin says he prepared for the role by getting up every day, running five miles, and then bashing himself in the head with a hammer." --Conan O'Brien

"Barack Obama unveiled his economic plan this week. Obama said the one word in everybody's mind, and that word is j-o-b-s. Immediately afterwards, President Bush accused Barack of talking in some kind of secret code." --Jay Leno

"Well, the market went down over 700 points today. Oh, that reminds me. You know, we turn our clocks back soon. We're turning it back to 1929, I believe." --Jay Leno

"Vice President Dick Cheney was treated today for an irregular heartbeat. His doctors aren't sure what caused it. They figured it was either stress or the sudden drop in oil prices." --Jay Leno

"But I personally [am] not worried about John McCain. The Lord is on his side. After all, John McCain's led a very Biblical life. Like his namesake Cain, he is not afraid to go negative on a brother. Like John the Baptist, he paved the way for the new Messiah [on screen: photo of Sarah Palin], and like Moses, he takes advice from a Bush who is going up in flames." --Stephen

"If you watched the debate last night, you know John McCain kept talking about this guy Senator Obama met on the campaign trail named Joe the Plumber. Do you know the saddest part about the Joe the plumber story? Last month he was an investment banker." --Jay Leno

"Joe the Plumber has been all over the place. He's been on 'Good Morning America,' he's on Fox News. He was talking to the Associated Press. This plumber has done more interviews in one day than Sarah Palin has done since being chosen by John McCain." --Jay Leno

"McCain kept talking about how he could help this man, how he could help him. You know, if McCain really wanted to help this guy, you know what you should do? Just have him re-pipe all of McCain's houses. That would be a job for life." --Jay Leno

"Turns out, Joe the plumber, his name is not Joe and he is not a licensed plumber, and he owes back taxes. So it sounds like he has the best plan to reduce taxes: don't pay them." --Jay Leno

"Well, there was rumors going around that he might be a plant. But today President Bush said, no, no, no, he's human." --Jay Leno

"I thought it was the best debate of the three debates so far. And the moderator was Bob Schieffer, did a great job. And of course, McCain was thrilled. For once, he was not the oldest guy there." --Jay Leno

"A poll came out today. 67% of Americans say they've seen enough and they don't want any more presidential debates. That's what they're saying. 67%. Yeah, the other 33% are plumbers who want to hear their name on television." --Conan O'Brien

"Of course, everyone's talking about Joe the plumber now. John McCain mentioned Joe the plumber last night 21 times. Yeah, experts are already comparing it to the 2004 debate, when President Bush wouldn't shut up about Larry the Cable Guy. 65 mentions." --Conan O'Brien

"And more details coming out about Joe the plumber. This is true. I'm not making this up. It came out this morning. His real name is not Joe, and he's not a licensed plumber. That's true. However, the McCain campaign insists that the 'the' is accurate. That part's true." --Conan O'Brien

"Boy, you folks are here on a great night and I'll tell you why. The entire balcony is filled with state troopers fired by Sarah Palin." --David Letterman

"I guess I don't need to tell you folks that on the program tonight, Senator John McCain is our guest tonight. Yeah, maybe I won't show." --David Letterman

"How many of you saw the debate last night from Hofstra out there on Long Island. Anybody see? I wanna tell you, it was a different John McCain, wasn't it? He was electric. He electrified the crowd. And afterwards, Cloris Leachman tossed him her hotel key." --David Letterman

"Lots of talk in the debate last night about Joe the Plumber. How about that? Do you remember him from the '60s Drano commercials? Joe the Plumber. Do you remember? And I think he's also the one who ordered the hit on Sammy the Bull." --David Letterman

"Joe the Plumber is such a celebrity now that after the debate, he was rushed to Washington to unclog a valve on Dick Cheney." --David Letterman

"It was interesting last night during the debate. At one point, John McCain brought up Barack Obama's relationship with '60s radical William Ayers. And then Barack Obama brings up McCain's relationship with John Brown at Harper's Ferry." --David Letterman

"I was fascinated because they had the split screen. The split screen technology. So, on the one side of the screen you saw a younger black man, and then on the other side of the screen, you see an older white man. And it was, honest to God, it was like a before and after of Michael Jackson." --David Letterman

"Barack Obama has begun running ads within video games. Obama ads can be seen in video games such as 'Madden NFL '09' and 'Burnout.' Not to be outdone, John McCain has begun putting ads inside many MRI machines." --Seth Meyers

"John McCain brought the heat, which is good, because it helps his lower back." --Stephen Colbert, on the presidential debate

David Letterman's Top Ten Messages Left on Joe the Plumber's Answering Machine

10. Hey, heard you mentioned in the debate. Now can you come over and get the hairball out of my drain?
9. Joe Six Pack calling; what are you trying to pull?
8. Sorry, wrong number. I was looking for Larry the Cable Guy.
7. Dude -- did you get to meet Fannie Mae?
6. This is Sarah Palin, do you consider yourself a maverick plumber?
5. You had a better night than Joe the Dodgers' manager.
4. This is Bob Schieffer. Hijack one of my debates again and I'll bust your kneecaps with a pipe wrench.
3. Joe, you gotta get a copy of this Late Show Fun Facts book -- it's hilarious!
2. It's Brian from the Late Show, are you available tonight if McCain cancels?
1. It's Madonna, are you seeing anybody?

"Now come on, of all the weeks of the campaign, this was the weirdest. I mean, John McCain has a new BFF, Joe the Plumber. He said the words 'Joe the plumber' 15 times in the debate the other night. I have seen guys less obsessed with the plumber when they thought he was f*cking their wife."  --Bill Maher

"But apparently this is John McCain's hail mary. You know, he had to do something, because he was way behind, and this was it. Bringing out this 'every man.' This Joe the plumber, who apparently was on the verge of owning his own plumbing business, which would then be taxed by Obama, and prevent Joe from, as McCain said, living the American dream. Oh yes, I'm snaking out a septic tank, pinch me!"  --Bill Maher

"And then today we found out, because McCain is so good at vetting, as we found out with Sarah Palin, that Joe the plumber, turns out, really isn't a licensed plumber, he's in trouble for not paying the taxes that he does owe, he isn't really close to buying any sort of plumbing company, and his name isn't Joe. Or, as the McCain campaign explained it, 'Who is Barack Obama?'"  --Bill Maher

"The only thing we actually do really know about this Joe the plumber is that he's opinionated, he's extremely conservative, and we're not so sure about the plumbing. Oh my God, he's Ann Coulter!"  --Bill Maher

"I tell you, he did not help himself in the debate on Wednesday night, did you see this? Especially with women when he implied that women who get abortions when their life is in danger, are faking it. Did you see that? He literally made air quotes around the phrase 'health of the mother.' Which struck a lot of people as something an 'asshole' would do. Nice 'campaign' you're running there, Mr. 'Maverick.'"  --Bill Maher

"But he did have one big moment when he said, 'Senator Obama, I am not President Bush.' My running mate is."  --Bill Maher

"Sarah Palin is going on 'Saturday Night Live' tomorrow. She said she's a little nervous, she's never acted before. And they told her, please, you'll be fine. It's a lot like lying."  --Bill Maher

"Oh, I kid Sarah Palin. I have a special affection for the insufferable. Today, she was campaigning in North Carolina, and she said she only really wanted to campaign in the 'pro-America' parts of the country. And so does her husband, who unfortunately couldn't be there because he's a secessionist."  --Bill Maher

"Let me quote you what she said today, and I hope you're insulted. She said, 'We believe that the best of America is in the small towns. The little pockets of what I call the real America. This is where we find the kindness and the goodness and the courage of everyday Americans.' And if that's not enough, she said Hollywood is such a stinking cesspool; couldn't even be fixed by Joe the plumber. Well, you know what, in a couple of weeks, she's going to find out that the big cities have one thing that the small towns don't: a lot of voters." --Bill Maher

"Maybe you saw the debate on Wednesday night, and McCain unveiled his new personality. He's got a new personality. The new personality is fighting underdog. And if that doesn't work, the next one is going to be tyrannical sea captain. ... And if that doesn't work, fun-loving goucho. And if that doesn't work, ex-patriot saloon owner."  --David Letterman

"Boy, here's something. How about the new Oliver Stone motion picture, opened today, 'W?' Yes, and I want to tell you something. If there is one thing I can't get enough of, it's the Bush family. I'm proud to say that I'm actually in 'W.' I have a small part in 'W.' I play the guy who gets peppered with shotgun by Dick Cheney." --David Letterman

"Sarah Palin remains very popular. ... Many people in the country are very excited about her. In fact, this week in Tennessee, a man named his newborn baby after Sarah Palin. Can you believe that? Newborn baby, names the newborn baby after Sarah Palin. Yeah, the man named his baby Sarah Palin after he asked it to name three countries, and it just stared blankly into space" --Conan O'Brien

"In a speech earlier this week, John McCain said the following. He said, 'I've been fighting for the United States of America since I was 17 years old.' That's what he said. Yeah. Then he said, 'Of course, back then, it was called Pangea.' It was a land mass that slowly separated." --Conan O'Brien

"Some new developments today regarding Joe the Plumber. That's the guy from Ohio who asked Barack Obama why he wanted to raise taxes on the plumbing business he wants to buy. But now it turns out that Joe is not a licensed plumber, he had to admit that he's 'not even close' to buying the plumbing business, the business does not bring in $250,000 to $280,000 like he said, and his name isn't even Joe -- it's Sam. Turns out the only true thing about 'Joe the Plumber' is 'the.'" He's the Sarah Palin of plumbing, is what he is." --Jimmy Kimmel

"They say Sarah Palin's going to appear on 'Saturday Night Live' tomorrow night, which will be interesting. She's been the butt of a lot of jokes and, of course, the subject of a lot of criticism. In fact, she said at a rally in North Carolina yesterday that to avoid getting depressed, her staff now limits her access exclusively to the mainstream media. That's a good idea. Just what she needs -- to read less." --Jimmy Kimmel

"John McCain got some good news today. The Charleston Daily Mail endorsed McCain, saying since he'll only be a one-term president, he can do the right things to make tough decisions. When they told McCain they were only giving him four years, he said, 'That's great. My doctor only gave me two!'" -Jay Leno

"Are you buying this whole Joe the plumber thing? McCain said he's worried about Joe the plumber's income. His income? Anybody here ever gotten a bill from a plumber and go, 'Well, this is way too low. Put a few more zeros. Put something down there for yourself.'" -Jay Leno

"You know why I think Republicans are so obsessed with this Joe the plumber? I think they're relieved to be able to talk about a guy who gets down on his knees in front of a toilet and it's not Senator Larry Craig." -Jay Leno

"And this week, President Bush announced a $250 billion -- everything's billions now, millions don't even count, have you noticed that? Millions is like chump change -- plan for the government, to directly buy shares of the nation's leading banks, to make sure they're run properly. They're going to make sure they're run properly, yeah. Because one thing we know is the people who gave us a a $9 trillion debt, they know how to handle money" --Jay Leno

"Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts this week wrote a legal decision that was a parody of a Mickey Spillane novel. Using phrases such as 'tough as a three dollar steak' and 'just another day at the office.' Not to be outdone, Judge Clarence Thomas wrote a decision as a letter to Penthouse." --Seth Meyers

"Despite enormous fluctuations in the Dow Jones average this week, billionaire investor Warren Buffett announced Friday that he will continue to invest in the stock market during the current financial crisis. So remember, everyone, this is no time to panic, as long as you're the richest man on earth." --Amy Poehler

"Former Vice President Dan Quayle has advised vice presidential nominee Sarah Palin to 'just be yourself.' Unfortunately, he spelled 'yourself' with three 'l's' and a '6.'" --Amy Poehler

"We're all a little chafed here about this whole 'some parts of the country are real and American' and other parts are not. This weekend I was performing at Northeastern and I just read the statement that Sarah Palin had made about the 'pro-American' parts of the country and I...in response to that, I think I might have said, you know, 'F**k you!' That's just my way of saying that I think that's a profanity to say, and I was answering with a profanity. But it's not really fair, and it makes it seem like I'm just addressing Governor Palin about this, and I'm not, it's just this whole entire theme that there's more American areas, or some people love the country, some people don't. So what I meant to say is, 'F**k all y'all.'" --Jon Stewart

"Even if John McCain doesn't win the 'election' in 'America,' he'll still be president of real America, the America that matters, the one that Sarah Palin will still take questions from [on screen: Palin in North Carolina, saying that small-town America is 'real America']. What the f**k? So, if small towns are real America, that would make big cities, like Washington, DC, and New York City, the capitals of fake America, like the epicenter of fake America. The, oh, what's the word I'm looking for? The ground zero, if you will, of anti-America. I bet bin Laden feels like a real a**hole now. 'What? I bombed the wrong America? That's it. I'm going into hiding. I'm too embarrassed!'" --Jon Stewart

"Tell me more about this real America. It sounds magnificent [on screen: Palin saying in 'real' small-town America is 'where we find the kindness and the goodness and the courage of everyday Americans. Those who are running our factories and teaching our kids and growing our food and are fighting our war for us. Those who are protecting us in uniform']. Gosh, we don't do any of that stuff. We just spend our days j***ing off onto religious paraphernalia. Jeez, I guess if you're from New York City and you signed up to fight in Iraq and you died, I guess it doesn't count." --Jon Stewart

The only reason Obama got this endorsement is because Colin Powell is black. Also, the only reason Admiral John Nathman, Brigadier-General James Smith, Four-star General Merrill McPeak and 20 other military leaders have endorsed Obama, is because Colin Powell is black." --Stephen Colbert

"Colin Powell is in the news because he endorsed Barack Obama. I wonder how John McCain feels about Colin Powell endorsing Obama. He’s probably all right with it. Men his age are used to having colon problems." --Craig Ferguson

Late Night From 10/04

"Remember John Kerry? He ran for president and didn’t do that well. He’s being criticized for telling a joke about John McCain wearing adult diapers. How dare you, sir! That’s my job! Knock it off, Kerry! I’ll tell the McCain diaper jokes; you stick with losing elections to the least popular president ever in the history of America." --Craig Ferguson

"Nov. 4 is two weeks from today, but 7 percent of people are still undecided. I just don’t know how anyone could be undecided, because the choice in this election’s black and white, literally! Young black guy, old white guy. There! Take your pick." --Craig Ferguson

"Both campaigns are spending a lot of money to reach the undecided voters. Obama is buying half an hour of prime time on CBS. America loves CBS, of course, because we’re the No. 1 choice of confused people." --Craig Ferguson

"And McCain’s buying time on Fox. And he was trying to make it like a Fox show, you know, like, “When Obamas Attack,” or something like that." --Craig Ferguson

"Do you know what McCain should do? He should do a guest appearance on 'Lost.'" --Craig Ferguson

"Barack Obama is taking time off from campaigning to visit his sick grandmother in Hawaii. Normally, it would be a bad idea to take time off two weeks before the presidential election. But at this point, Obama is far enough ahead that the only thing really that can stop his campaign is if he finds a mysterious bad luck Tiki doll on the beach."  --Jimmy Kimmel

"Sarah Palin had a good thought. She suggested that while Barack Obama is over in Hawaii, it might be a good idea for him to keep an eye on Japan." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Some people think that visiting his sick grandma might actually help Obama win more of the elderly vote. In fact, to try to counter that today, John McCain stopped by our nation’s capital to visit his grandmother, Susan B. Anthony McCain." --Jimmy Kimme

"This week, the McCain campaign brought the newest charge [on screen: Anderson Cooper reporting that McCain and Palin have 'raised the S word']. Oh, no, you didn't! Which one? Scallyawag? Scoundrel? Salsa dancer? Superman? I'll tell you what. I will write down the S word I think the McCain campaign called Barack Obama, and then we will see if I am right [on screen: McCain and Palin saying Obama's policies are socialist]. I was going to go with sheep-f***er." --Jon Stewart

"The McCain campaign believes that Obama's plan for a middle plan tax cut is socialism, and they won't stand for that, most of the time [on screen: Fox's Chris Wallace pointing out to McCain that he voted for the $700 billion bank bailout, and asks if that is socialism. McCain answers, saying it's 'reacting to a crisis that's due to greed and excess in Washington]. Oh! That's why you're socialist! I don't smoke, except when I drink. Which I don't do, unless I am thirsty. Or it's nighttime, or I need something to wash down my smoke. Seriously, don't smoke. McCain '08!" --Jon Stewart

"Now, you can argue this country has dabbled in socialism ever since the income tax was introduced, and calling Obama's plan socialist is a simple deploy that McCain realizes is a bankrupt tactic. Or should I say, realized [on screen: a college student asking McCain why it is that her dad, as a doctor, is penalized in a 'huge tax bracket.' McCain answers that it's because 'to some degree,' he feels that 'obviously that wealthy people can afford more.' The student then asks whether we're 'getting closer to socialism.' McCain says that he believes that 'when you reach a certain level of comfort, there is nothing wrong with paying somewhat more']. That, of course, is the late socialist leader, John McCain. I believe he passed away during the Republican primaries. He will be missed" --Jon Stewart

"You see, ACORN has conducted a huge voter registration effort, and not all the registrations are valid. Now, I have a lot of problems with ACORN. First, they should have picked a more ominous name, like Kaos or Specter, instead of squirrel food. Something really scary. They are the biggest nut-based threat to America since Mr. Peanut tried to assassinate the GOP elephant to impress the Morton Salt girl. Plus, we know Obama has a relationship with ACORN. Senator? [on screen: McCain saying that 'we need to know the full extent' of Obama's relationship with ACORN]. And we need to know it soon, because if there's nothing there, we'd like to use the next week-and-a-half to find something worse" --Stephen Colbert

"It wasn't such a great day for John McCain, who got some support today from an unwanted group. Al Qaeda picked him as their choice for president. Al Qaeda made this announcement on their website, which begs the question: al Qaeda has a website? Can't we use it to find them?" --Craig Ferguson

"In this election, Obama is so far ahead now it seems the only way he can lose is if his supporters screw it up. But Obama's supporters have a secret weakness. They're Democrats. They are perfectly capable of screwing this up. I'm not sure if Democrats remember how to win an election. They haven't won an election since 2000." --Craig Ferguson

"Anyway, the Democrats better watch out, because the Republicans are going to pull out all the stops. Did you see they spent $150,000 on Sarah Palin's wardrobe? Boy, nothing says hockey mom like dropping six figures on bling." --Craig Ferguson

"The campaign says they needed to make Sarah Palin seem hip and cool, but I'm thinking if you're going to spend money trying to make somebody look hip and cool, what about John? What about spending some money on John?" --Craig Ferguson

"The Pentagon is buying a portrait of Donald Rumsfeld for $46,000. But it will probably cost 10 times that, serve no real purpose, and never be finished. Remind you of anything?" --Craig Ferguson

"Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin is taking heat today, because the Republican National Committee has so far spent $150,000 on wardrobe for her and her family. She spent $50,000 at Saks Fifth Avenue, $75,000 at Neiman Marcus and about $5,000 on hair and makeup. Hey, representing small town, common-folk hockey moms isn't cheap, folks." --Jimmy Kimmel

"That's a lot of money. Especially considering all the animals. Isn't she making pelts out of them? Shouldn't she be making her own clothing?" --Jimmy Kimmel

"Also yesterday, Palin told a bunch of third graders that the vice president 'runs the Senate,' which the vice president does not do. Not knowing what the job is? Even President Bush will tell you, the vice president doesn't run the Senate. The vice president runs the White House." --Jimmy Kimmel

"John McCain mentions Joe the Plumber so much, I am afraid he is addicted to crack [on screen: photo of a plumber's backside]." And now, the McCain-Palin campaign is spread spreading the love to all the middle class [on screen: McCain and Palin mentioning 'Ed the dairy man,' 'Rose the teacher,' 'Phil the bricklayer,' 'Molly the dental hygienist,' and 'Chuck the teacher']. I believe they went on to single out Bob the Builder, Dora the Explorer, and Thomas the Tank Engine. A key demographic. The only person McCain's not talking about is George the President" --Stephen Colbert

"Obviously, for the past two months, we have been discussing Republican vice presidential nominee and gift from heaven, Sarah Palin. If there's one message she has been campaigning on, it's this: vote for us! We're just like you [on screen: Sarah Palin saying she and Todd are going through the same things as working-class Americans]. Heck, gosh, me and Todd, you betcha, we're just average, working class salts-of-the-earth governor and snow machine champions. Governor Palin gets up every morning, and puts on her governoring overalls and goes down to put in an eight-hour shift at the executive branch factory. She is a regular guy, girl, average Joe, lady. It's not like that entire facade she has built up can crumble in the space of a single sentence [on screen: reports that the RNC paid $150,000 to outfit Palin and her family for the election]. [Stewart, singing] She was born in a small town. Doesn't shop in a small town. Gets her clothes in a big town. And buys lots of fancy s***. How do you spend $150,000 on clothes in two months? How does someone who just spent more on clothing in six weeks than most Americans make in two years, show that she can still relate to the common folk?" --Jon Stewart

"In other words, Sarah is not the only Palin who got an upgrade. Almost $5,000 was spent on clothing for her husband, Todd, and more on the Palin children. Now, that's just one scandal. Palin has also charged the Alaska state government for over $21,000 of airfare for her daughters and $700 hotel rooms and went back and amended the expense reports to justify the payments, not to mention $17,000 in per diems she was paid to live in her own home. My God! They're a family of grifters!" --Jon Stewart

"I know how they're doing it. The hot one [on screen: photo of Palin] finds an elderly victim [on screen: photo of McCain]. Then she seduces him with her unfancy-talk and once he pulls out the checkbook, boom! Here come the relatives. The old fart never had a chance!" --Jon Stewart

"The former chairman of the Fed, Alan Greenspan, was in Washington today. And he said that the current financial crisis is a 'one in a century' occurrence. And John McCain was like: 'He's right. I've been through three of 'em.'" --Craig Ferguson

"In an interview this weekend, Sarah Palin said that when the media criticizes her children 'the mama grizzly in me comes out, makes me want to rear up on my hind legs.' Which is exactly what a mama grizzly did to Sarah Palin moments before she shot it from a helicopter." --Seth Meyers

"The Homeland Security Department said it will not meet a 2012 deadline set by Congress to scan the contents of every cargo container headed to US ports. 'Thanks for the heads up,' said terrorists." --Amy Poehler

"Joe Wurzelbacher, better known as 'Joe the Plumber,' said this week that he is ready to get out of the media spotlight. Though unless he said it to his bathroom mirror, he's full of crap." --Amy Poehler

"Last week, I wagged my finger at Newsweek magazine for not retouching this unflattering cover photo of Governor Sarah Palin which showed her facial hair. [shivers] Hideous. With a horribly offensive characterization of the governor as a mammal. Well, it turns out people were listening. By which I mean People magazine. Yes, this week's People has an extreme close-up of Governor Palin, and there is not a hair in sight. She is like an eel. This is People's best re-touching work since they made Clay Aiken's makeup look like skin. Sarah Palin should look like this in every picture, like a brand-new, mint-condition porcelain doll. Because I think we can all agree it is best if Sarah Palin is never taken out of the packaging. Great work, People Photoshoppers." --Stephen Colbert

"I do have one complaint, though: look at the terrible job you did on Todd Palin. You left a huge mustache there. Come on! He looks like he just drank a cold, tall glass of pubes. Still, I gotta say that is one good-looking couple there. Look at that. It's hard to look at these guys without imagining, you know, [as S. Palin] 'Hey Todd, what do you think of my new $150,000 clothes?' [as T. Palin] 'I think they look even better on the floor.' [Colbert pushes the pages of the magazine together and makes kissing noises] [as S. Palin] 'Oh, Todd, you're the 'Snow Machine''" --Stephen Colbert

"John was there for me 90% of the time over the last eight years. When you think of John McCain, think of me, George W. Bush. Think of this face. When you're in the voting booth, before you vote, picture this face right here. A vote for John McCain is a vote for George W. Bush. (to McCain) You're welcome. So I want to be there for you, John, for the next eight years." --Will Ferrell as President Bush, endorsing John McCain on Saturday Night Live

"With less than two weeks to go before the election, John McCain is behind Barack Obama in every major poll. But here's the important thing to remember, back in 1984 with the same amount of time remaining, Walter Mondale was 14 points behind Ronald Reagan, and then, by the time the election came, he went on to lose every state except Minnesota. So, alright, maybe that's bad example. But I think I made my point." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Truth be told: John McCain is doing darn well for a guy who passed away 20 years ago." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Today McCain went on the attack. This morning he said Barack Obama will say and do anything to win the election. Obama countered that later in the day by showing this photograph [on screen: photo of Sarah Palin]. 'Really? I'm the one who will say and do anything to win? Explain that again more slowly if you could.'" --Jimmy Kimmel

"As popular as Obama is here in the United States, he might be in even more popular overseas. Gallup polled citizens of 70 countries and found that foreigners support Obama over McCain by nearly four-to-one. It was an unusual poll, actually: 30 percent supported Obama, eight percent supported McCain, and the rest supported David Hasselhoff." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Alaska Governor Sarah Palin, you probably heard the Republican National Committee spent $150,000 in campaign donations for clothes and makeup for her. They've been taking a lot of heat for it. Today, John McCain even had to announce that when the election is over, the clothes will all be donated to charity. Finally, his plan to get her naked is finally bearing fruit." --Jimmy Kimmel

"If you look at what's going on in the McCain campaign, he is becoming a little unhitched. A few weeks ago, he started a speech by saying 'My fellow prisoners. I'm not kidding. Earlier this week, he told a Pennsylvania crowd he agreed that they were racists, and a couple of days ago in New Hampshire, he was trying to say, 'Interest rates should be cut,' and he said, 'Interest rates should be c***.' I'm not kidding. He made a Freudian slip and said the 'C' word. I don't know if you can recover a campaign from that. It's like dropping a baby on its head." --Bill Maher

"To top it all off for the week, apparently Sarah Palin accessorized her wardrobe with some ignorance this week. She was asked a question by a third-grader, and she got it wrong. She apparently still does not know what the vice president does. The job she is running for. She said he or she runs the Senate. No, not in this country. You know, George Bush, I would never accuse him of being a bright man, but when he was elected, he at least knew what building to show up to." --Bill Maher

"John McCain has, for some reason, decided to build his final push around Joe the plumber. Now, this guy Joe, we learned last week, is not a licensed plumber and his name isn't even Joe, but that didn't stop the McCain campaign from naming him their unofficial mascot. Why they'd name a plumber a mascot for a campaign that's down the toilet already, I don't know." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Nationally, the Republican ticket trails in every major poll, and some by as many as ten points, so the McCain campaign is now focusing on a last-ditch strategy that involves three major parts. Number one, strengthen the support in the states that Bush won in '04. Number two, flip Pennsylvania back from blue to red. And third, pray for an earthquake that will dump California into the Pacific Ocean. If all those things happen, he's got a pretty good shot." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Meanwhile, his running mate, Sarah Palin said in Washington, D.C., yesterday that the election is in God's hands now. Isn't that what you say to a prisoner who's about to be executed?" --Jimmy Kimmel

"Barack Obama has been back and forth to Hawaii to visit his sick grandmother. They say she might not have much time left. It's the same reason Sarah Palin has been visiting John McCain so often lately." --Jimmy Kimmel

"John McCain said this week that he does not plan to make his election night remarks in a hotel ballroom, but rather on the hotel lawn to a select group of journalists. The speech is reportedly titled, 'Hey you damn kids, get off my lawn!'" --Seth Meyers

"According to expense reports, Sarah Palin charged the state of Alaska over $21,000 for her children to travel with her on official business. In fairness to Governor Palin, when she leaves them home alone, they get pregnant." --Seth Meyers

"I'm sure you've heard that your average hockey mom, Sarah Palin, went through $150,000 of Republican Party money to get a wardrobe. That's a lot of money to give Joe Six-Pack a hard-on, don't you think? Wow. And 20 grand just on makeup. The lipstick she puts on her pig costs $200 a tube." --Bill Maher

"So, just to recap here, the Republican National Committee took money from hardworking Americans, right? They spent it on designer clothes and glasses and handbags for Sarah Palin, so she could go out there on the stump and stop that bastard Obama from spreading the wealth." --Bill Maher

"On top of that, in turns out the highest-paid person in the McCain campaign? Not the campaign manager, not the pollsters: Palin's makeup artist. I'm not kidding. The highest-paid person, she flies to every city where Palin appears. And McCain? He just gets the local gal who does the funeral home. No, it's not as bad as it sounds. The makeup girl is also Palin's top foreign policy adviser." --Bill Maher

"I'm sure you heard this story, the 'B' girl, the young woman in Pennsylvania who got mugged yesterday, works for the McCain campaign, claimed a big scary black man attacked her at the ATM and then carved a 'B,' a backwards 'B' in her face. Well, today, she admitted that she made the whole thing up. I knew, they can't fool me, there's no such thing as a McCain campaign." --Bill Maher

"There is a McCain campaign, and today they said they were shocked and disheartened that a racist, pathetic ruse like this didn't work. But it is a little embarrassing, because on the campaign trail, McCain has already started referring to her in his speeches as 'Joe Scratch-face.'" --Bill Maher

"McCain called this 'B' girl to offer his support. Palin called her to offer some support, and Karl Rove called to say, 'You dumbass, you got the B backwards!'" --Bill Maher

"Of course, the police knew she was lying all along, because she told this outlandish tale about having money in the bank." --Bill Maher

"Guilty on all charges. Stevens is 84 years old. He could get three weeks or life, whichever comes first." --Jay Leno

"After his big speech in North Carolina today, Senator Joe Biden said he was experiencing a sore throat and lost his voice. Boy, the good news doesn't stop for Barack Obama. Just one lucky break after another." --Jay Leno

"And Ralph Nader, God bless him, still out there campaigning. Ralph Nader said today he has set a record for the most campaign speeches given in one day. He gave 21 speeches in one day. Of course, we have to take his word for it, because of course, there are no witnesses." --Jay Leno

Sarah Palin spent $150,000 on clothes, but she has an even higher tab at LensCrafters." --David Letterman

"Don’t get me wrong. Sarah Plain is a very frugal woman. In Alaska, she makes all of her clothes out of pelts." --David Letterman

"But Sarah Palin doesn’t shop at low-end stores. As a matter of fact, she thinks Old Navy is John McCain’s nickname." --David Letterman

"But they say that McCain insiders are calling Sarah Palin an out-of-touch diva. They say Palin has a quick temper and ignores her staff. It’s like I have a twin. --David Letterman

"Sarah Palin, do you like Sarah Palin? She's exciting, isn't she, Sarah Palin? She spent yesterday campaigning with Elisabeth Hasselbeck from 'The View.' John McCain spent yesterday looking for his slippers." --David Letterman

"So Sarah Palin is on the road with Elisabeth Hasselbeck of 'The View' and John McCain, just for old time's sake, he slept with Barbara Walters." --David Letterman

"Iran's president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is apparently ill, rumored to be ill. And he's in the hospital today. And his condition has been downgraded from serious to ugly." --David Letterman

"But they say Ahmadinejad is exhausted from overwork. And you know, thank God that will never happen to George Bush." --David Letterman

"Alaska's largest newspaper has endorsed Barack Obama despite the fact that their governor is Sarah Palin. Luckily for Palin, it's one of the 500 newspapers she doesn't read." --Conan O'Brien

"Well, political experts say that John McCain’s only chance of winning the presidential election next week is to attract swing voters. Unfortunately, McCain thinks swing voters are people who listen to Glenn Miller." --Conan O'Brien

"Sorry to disappoint the liberals who tuned in tonight to gloat about Obama's lead in every poll, but I am not worried. McCain may be behind, but the man is a fighter. He doesn't know the meaning of the word 'quit.' He used to, but it was stored in the same part of his brain that remembered to vet his running mate." --Stephen Colbert

"Just one week left to go in this election. It's amazing, isn't it? To give you an idea, do you realize that when this whole thing started, John McCain was just 47 years old?" --Jay Leno

"This is the longest campaign. As you know by now, Colin Powell has endorsed Barack Obama for president, which is bad news for John McCain, because at his age, he has enough colon problems." --Jay Leno

"John McCain said that Barack Obama is already measuring the drapes in the White House. That's what he said. I understand Sarah Palin is already driving McCain around to look at assisted living facilities." --Jay Leno

"With Halloween coming this weekend, they say not one person in the country is planning to dress up as Governor Sarah Palin. You know why? ... The costume costs $150,000." --Jay Leno

"It was disclosed that the Republican party spent $150,000 on clothes and makeup for Sarah Palin to try and make her look better. Why? She looks fine, doesn't she? We're better off spending that money trying to make McCain look a little bit better. She looks great. Leave her alone. Do something for him." --Jay Leno

"Yesterday in Florida, Elisabeth Hasselbeck of 'The View,' she appeared onstage with Sarah Palin. She's a big supporter. Elizabeth's speech was interrupted by hecklers, who police later identified as Whoopi, Barbara, Joy and Sherri." --Jay Leno

"The longest-serving Republican Senator, Alaska's Ted Stevens, found guilty just a few hours ago on all charges in his corruption trial. Do you know this story? He failed to report he had some work done on his house. Yeah, here's the bad part. You know who did the work? Joe the plumber. Unlicensed." --Jay Leno

"A large percentage of voters have already voted using early voting. Which is smart for older voters in Florida who aren't sure if they'll still be alive by next Tuesday." --Jay Leno

"Are you all getting ready for Halloween? The good news is, with the economy so bad, people don't have to work as hard to make their houses look scary. The lights are out, the windows are boarded up, the lawns not cut. Everyday is Halloween in America now." --Jay Leno

"One week to go. One week from today, the election. As a matter of fact, earlier this morning, they, down in Florida, unloaded the crooked voting machines. So they are in midseason form." --David Letterman

"Here's how it works. Election is Tuesday. And then Wednesday is the first day of Sarah Palin's 2012 campaign." --David Letterman

"McCain staffers are saying Sarah Palin has turned into a diva and is making diva demands. Here's what they're talking about. A couple of days ago, Lenscrafters had to stay open after hours so Sarah could shop alone. Today, she hit a speech writer with her cell phone." --David Letterman

"Listen to this. I just got my 2009 Sarah Palin calendar. Yep. Wow. Exciting, sexy photos of Sarah Palin. In one of them, I think it's February, she is holding a soapy sponge, scrubbing a moose." --David Letterman

"On this very date in 1929, the stock market plunged 13%. Boy, those were the good old days, huh?" --David Letterman

"Alaska Senator Ted Stevens has been convicted on seven counts of fraud, corruption. And Republicans are relieved, because at least it didn't involve an airport men's room." --David Letterman

"After hearing about him endlessly in the last debate, Joe the plumber back in the news. Earlier today, Joe the plumber officially endorsed John McCain. That's right, yeah. However, Joe insists that his first love will always be toilets." --Conan O'Brien

"Republicans are warning voters right now that if Barack Obama is elected president, the Democrats will control all three branches of the government. That's what they're saying, yeah. John McCain said this would be dangerous, Dick Cheney said it would be expensive, And Sarah Palin said, we have three branches of government?" --Conan O'Brien

"Tough news for John McCain, though. John McCain still trailing in the polls with just a week to go. CNN reported just a few hours ago that the polls in Pennsylvania show little movement for John McCain. At this point, the only way for McCain to show movement involves eating a bowl of Raisin Bran." --Conan O'Brien

"Now, this is interesting, Barack Obama is now encouraging his supporters to take election day off so they can help him get out the vote. Yeah. And a lot of Americans said they were already planning to take that day off, because they don't have a job." --Conan O'Brien

"Tomorrow night Barack Obama is buying a half-hour commercial on CBS, NBC and Fox. Not on ABC, though. I think it is because they've got `Dancing with the Stars.' That's where viewers can watch an elderly person make a fool out of themselves and then get voted out of the competition. Which is completely different from the election, of course." --Craig Ferguson

"Let's begin tonight with a brand new segment. This is exciting. Are you in prison? Has your cell mate recently been paroled or been the victim of a library shanking? If so, listen. It's time to meet your new cell mate. Is the anticipation killing you? Is killing a sensitive topic? Your new cell mate is this guy, 84-year-old Alaska Senator Ted Stevens! The Senate's longest-serving Republican, the earl of earmarks, nanook of the pork, the Alaskan king crab, and, as of last night, a convicted felon. To save you, his new roommate, the time of an introduction, hey, man, what are you in for? [on screen: description of Stevens' crimes]. That's hardcore, dude. I ate my mailman. Which bunk do you want?" --Jon Stewart

"You know what, justice system? Do your worst to Ted Stevens. Throw the book at him. Sentence him to solitary. Nothing is going to break this man! Because he knows that he has what it takes to be pardoned by President Bush. But, listen, Senator Stevens, if you do end up in prison, try sneaking out through the internet. After all, it really is just a series of tubes." --Stephen Colbert

"Sarah Palin made three campaign stops today: Saks, Nieman Marcus and Bloomingdales." --Jay Leno

"I guess you know this story. She took a lot of heat this weekend about how much money was spent on her wardrobe. She defended herself today. She said everything she's wearing now she bought with her own money in Alaska. I believe her. Show her on the campaign trail today [on screen: Palin during a campaign appearance, and 'appearing' to wear snow shoes]. I'm not Alaskan, but open-toed snow-shoes? Is that common?" --Jay Leno

"I guess there seems to be some trouble brewing between Sarah Palin and John McCain. McCain aides say that Sarah Palin is 'going rogue' and not taking advice or notes from the McCain campaign. They say it is hard to keep her from going off script and making statements that hurt the campaign. It's gotten so bad, her Secret Service codename is now 'Joe Biden.'" --Jay Leno

"That's the big story, that Sarah Palin has stopped taking advice from McCain and is only looking out for herself. But does that surprise anyone here in Los Angeles? That happens all the time out here. An old guy pulls hot chick out of obscurity, buys her a lot of expensive clothes, introduces her to a lot of famous people. She gets bored with him and stabs him in the back. Moves on. Happens all the time." --Jay Leno

"Financial experts say that the economic crisis has cost $2.8 trillion dollars. That's such a huge amount of money. It's hard for people to visualize how much that is. Let me put that in terms you understand. $2.8 trillion is enough money to buy Sarah Palin clothes for a year." --Jay Leno

"Sarah Palin told a crowd yesterday, when she campaigns, she doesn't wear her wedding ring because the shape of it hurts her finger when she's shaking a lot of hands. And Bill said to Hillary, 'See! I told you I wasn't making it up.'" --Jay Leno

"The good news for John McCain, new polls in key battleground states show him with a comfortable lead over Ralph Nader." --Jay Leno

"Alaskan Republican Senator Ted Stevens has been found guilty on all counts of taking over $250,000 worth of goods and services from a contractor to do some work on his house. Of course, Stevens still doesn't get it. Like today, he said if he goes to prison, could he get a bay window? He knows a guy who could do it." --Jay Leno

"You know the saddest thing about this whole Senator Stevens thing? He's an 84-year-old white guy. If this hadn't of happened, he probably would have been the Republican nominee in 2012." --Jay Leno

"In Pontiac, Michigan, five bodies and the cremated remains of 22 others have been evicted from a funeral home. Evicted! That's when you know the real estate market's bad, when you're dead and they still foreclose on you." --Jay Leno

"According to the U.S. Department of Transportation, Americans drove 15 billion fewer miles in August than they did the year before. To which President Bush said, 'See, that's one of the advantages of not having a job to go to.'" --Jay Leno

"According to a new poll, women are more pessimistic about the economy recovering than men. You know why? Because men are in charge of the economy." --Jay Leno

"This is exciting. Earlier this evening, Barack Obama's 30-minute infomercial appeared on three of the major networks. Fox, CBS and NBC. And, of course, NBC was thrilled to be considered a major network. We haven't had that in years!" --Jay Leno

"Now, if you didn't see it, one part was a little odd. At the end, Barack said, 'If you vote now, we'll throw in a set of steak knives and a can of Oxiclean.'" --Jay Leno

"And of course, this Barack Obama appearance was historic for our network. Did you know this? This is the first time a black man has appeared on NBC in prime time since Bill Cosby." --Jay Leno

"And while CBS, NBC and Fox were showing the Barack Obama ad, ABC was showing 'Pushing Daisies,' which I believe is the name of the McCain ad, if I'm not mistaken." --Jay Leno

"A moment in history. It was on this day in 1846 that the Donner party left for California. You know what happened there. Everything went wrong. They wound up eating each other, kind of like what's going on in the McCain campaign right now." --Jay Leno

Although the press continues to say there are problems between John McCain and Sarah Palin, today Palin denied there was any dissension between her and McCain. And she said she's also agreed to keep him on the ticket, so I don't know." --Jay Leno

"It's not looking good for McCain. In fact, today he went down to IKEA because I think he realized this could be his only chance to put together his own cabinet." --Jay Leno

"Alaska's Senator Ted Stevens has been found guilty on all seven felony counts of accepting over $250,000 worth of gifts and services from a contractor. But he says he will not step down and he will win re-election. Don’t you love how these guys have no shame? In fact, have you heard his new slogan, 'Vote for Stevens, a man of convictions.'" --Jay Leno

"A Massachusetts Democratic state senator named Dianne Wilkerson has been arrested for accepting $23,000 in bribes. She was going to use the money for her re-election campaign. And the FBI has actual pictures of her stuffing the $23,000 in her bra. ... Isn't that great? Talk about putting together a campaign war chest." --Jay Leno

"And President Bush [is] preparing to leave the White House. That's a big job after eight years, of course. Of course, on the bright side, not a lot of books to pack up." --Jay Leno

"All looking forward to Halloween? You know what John McCain, Cindy McCain and Sarah Palin are dressing up as this year? Hugh Hefner and 'The Girls Next Door.'" --Jay Leno

"Not a great day for Cloris Leachman. She was voted off 'Dancing With the Stars' last night. It seems that America can't wait until Election Day to vote against a senior citizen." --Craig Ferguson

"You have to admit, McCain is digging in as hard as he can, and Sarah Palin too. On the heels of the success of Joe the plumber, they're bringing other characters into the mix. Last week, my favorite was Richard the florist, and on Monday, Sarah Palin introduced the best one yet [on screen: Palin introducing 'Tito the builder']. Now, I think he's trying to make sure that if McCain doesn't get elected, he's not the one who gets deported." --Jimmy Kimmel

"More Republicans endorsing Barack Obama. Great. Now Republicans will have to suppress their own turnout." --Stephen Colbert