Jokes of the day

"President Bush went on to say, today there are no short-term solutions to the energy crisis. Apparently, there are no second term solutions either." --Jay Leno

"John McCain said that Social Security is broke and will soon run out of money. In fact, today, McCain even told reporters his Social Security number. It's eight." --Jay Leno

"And human rights activists have sent a letter to President Bush, asking him to raise human rights issues with the Chinese government during the Olympics. Unfortunately, they also sent a letter to the Chinese government asking them to bring up human rights issues with President Bush. So, it's pretty much a wash." --Jay Leno

"The military trial of Osama bin Laden's driver begins today. Do you know what they got him for? Breaking the new cell phone hands-free law. Yeah, we got him! How do you catch bin Laden's driver and not bin Laden? What, is he hiding down under the seat in the back of the car? Didn't the guy pick him up every day at his house?" --Jay Leno

"Hey, do you like celebrity birthdays? Here's one, Senator Larry Craig from Idaho. Do you remember Senator Larry Craig? Happy Birthday, Senator Larry Craig. 63 years old on Sunday. So happy birthday. He has a big party planned. Earlier today, he shoved invitations under all the stalls. But if you are going to Larry Craig's birthday party, it is easy to find the party, just look for the airport men's room with the balloons" --David Letterman

"We're doing things a little differently tonight. Big show, because Senator John McCain is here. ... You see, normally on Friday we would tape at 4:30, but to accommodate Senator McCain, we agreed to tape the show at 5:30. Yeah. Yeah, Senator McCain wasn't available at 4:30 because that's when he eats dinner." --Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi referred to President Bush's time in office as 'a total failure.' Yeah, Bush defended himself saying, 'Oh, come on, I've hardly spent any time in my office.'" --Conan O'Brien

"So why were the biggest of the big media's big dogs there? What did they hope to see? [on screen: Fox News and other network coverage wondering if Obama will make a big gaffe while overseas]. A faux pas. Will he visit a Muslim country wearing his all-bacon suit? Perhaps his zipper will be down? Or maybe he'll start a war." --Jon Stewart

"All right, Barack Obama in the Middle East. Let's see some gaffes [on screen: video coverage of Obama meeting with Iraqi president Jalal Talabani]. All right, he's going to meet with Talabani, the Iraqi president. No way he pulls this off. Okay, here it goes. He's approaching, his hand is coming up. No, he did it! He shook his hand successfully! Oh my God! Beginner's luck. It's beginner's luck. All right, well, how is Harvard going to hold up when he's got to face our troops? Hello Dukakis photo-op, good-bye middle America [on screen: Obama appearing in front of the troops to clapping and cheering troops]. Well, those must be elite troops. Surely, the press will catch him in some unseemly, John Kerry-like wind surfing moment. Oh, here we go, gym full of troops, behind the three point line, Barack Obama taking the Gaffe Train to Blooper Town. Here we go [on screen: video of Obama sinking a 3-point shot in front of the troops]. And ladies and gentlemen, Barack Obama, with one shot, has dispelled all rumors of lack of foreign policy experience. Come on, this guy is a newbie. You can't snag one faux pas, one misstep, a blunder, a boo-boo, a brain fart, something small, a geography mixup? [on screen: McCain saying Iraq and Pakistan are neighbors, when in fact, Iran separates the two]. The Iraq-Pakistan border, also known as Iran. All right, that's the stuff." --Jon Stewart

"In fact, so far the only gaffe of the trip belongs to Iraqi Prime Minister al-Maliki. When speaking to a German magazine, Maliki said that he supported Obama's plan to draw down troops over the next 16 months. Saying quote, we think it would be the right time-frame for a withdrawal. God, Maliki is so naive about Iraq. One presumably stern phone call later, and U.S. Centcom released a statement from the Iraqis claiming that al-Maliki had been mistranslated by the German magazine, because, as you know, there is one thing Germans are known for: sloppiness and lack of precision" --Jon Stewart

"There was a huge reception for Barack Obama in the Middle East this past weekend. People were screaming, chasing him, hanging on his every word. And that was just the U.S. press corps." --Jay Leno

"John McCain's economic adviser Phil Gramm has quit the campaign. The official reason: he was a whiner and all his problems were mental." --Jay Leno

"Well, experts say gas prices should fall by up to three cents a gallon over the next week. Three cents a gallon, how about that? Well, this is just in preparation for gas rising to $8 a gallon by Labor Day." --Jay Leno

"And China says it will ban entertainers they deem a threat to the government from taking part in any activities during the Olympics. You make fun of the government, you'll be banned from the Olympics, to which Bush said, "You can do that?" --Jay Leno

"A religious group at Southern Methodist University says they are opposed to having a George W. Bush think tank. Not on religious grounds, just logic" --Jay Leno

"I'll tell you how hot it was today in the Northeast. It is so hot today that Vice President Dick Cheney replaced his pacemaker with an icemaker. Honest to God. So hot today in New York that former governor Eliot Spitzer was dating a girl named Margarita." --David Letterman

"Former mayor Rudolph Giuliani took his buddy John McCain to the Yankee game. Yes, sir. And did you know this. It was old white guy day. That's what it was. I like that John McCain. He looks like the guy they would send out to the mound to settle down a young pitcher. Give me the ball, show you the thing. McCain kept asking Giuliani, when's DiMaggio coming up?" --David Letterman

"Let me ask you a more serious question. When you woke up this morning, did you feel a little colder, the country was a little sadder, a little lonelier, a little less hopeful? There's a reason for that [on screen: CNN telling viewers that Obama has left the country]. Don't take our hope away. We miss you. Barack Obama, the living embodiment of goodness and light, the future of human evolution." --Jon Stewar

"He has undertaken his first fact-finding mission to the Middle East as the presumptive Democratic nominee. And thus begins the Daily Show's week-long coverage of: 'Obama Quest: The Legend Begins.' ... Obviously, it's is not uncommon for sitting senators to make this kind of visit [on screen: photo of McCain in Iraq], but Obama's trip is getting more attention than usual. Tagging along were not one, not two, but all three major network news anchors. And as I understand it, on every night of the trip, Barack Obama will give a rose to the anchors he wants to stay. Whoever doesn't get a rose has to go home." --Jon Stewart

"Hey, did you see [Barack Obama] playing basketball with our troops in Iraq? Did you see that one shot he made from 40 feet? 40 feet. Let me tell you something. If shooting baskets now is a requirement to be president, a white guy may never have that job again." --Jay Leno

"Barack Obama is very popular in the Middle East. I guess a lot of people over there saw the cover of the New Yorker." --Jay Leno

"Well, this is Barack's third day in the Middle East, and President Bush says he has no timetable for bringing him back home." --Jay Leno

"John McCain called a press conference today. Unfortunately, all the press were out of the country covering Obama. You know ... I feel kind of sorry for McCain. I mean, all day on TV, they show nothing but footage of Barack Obama touring the Middle East, being with the troops in Afghanistan, meeting with troops in Iraq. The only time I saw McCain on TV was when Willard Scott wished him a happy birthday on the 'Today' show." --Jay Leno

"A lot of people think, to take some of the spotlight off of Barack Obama, that John McCain will announce his vice presidential choice this week. And most think it's gonna be Mitt Romney. See, I don't know. You know, when Romney and McCain stand together, doesn't it look like one of those slick Countrywide lenders trying to trick your grandfather into reverse mortgage?" --Jay Leno

"Well, this week the trial began for Osama bin Laden's driver. He was pretty easy to catch. I guess they got him at the airport at the gate. He had a big sign that said 'Osama bin Laden.' That's when they nailed him." --Jay Leno

"I don't think this guy is being totally honest either. Like, he claims he didn't know where bin Laden lives, even though he was his driver. He said whenever he drove bin Laden around, he was always blind-folded." --Jay Leno

"Bin Laden's driver said bin Laden was not a bad client. Yeah, said he was a lot nicer than his previous client, Naomi Campbell. At least he didn't hit him with a cell phone." --Jay Leno

"Yesterday, President Bush gave the U.S. Olympic team a rousing send-off to the Olympics. Again, I don't think President Bush is that up on geography. Like he told the athletes to get there a couple of days early to acclimate themselves to the fact that China is upside-down" --Jay Leno

"Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi is calling the Bush presidency a total failure. Total failure. I don't know, I think he's done okay. I think he's done okay if you don't count Iraq, the economy, the environment, Afghanistan, the mortgage crisis. I think he's done all right..." --David Letterman

"John McCain was talking about this, and he said that the problem is that the border between Iraq and Afghanistan -- they share a common border, that's what he was saying. Mistakenly said that Iraq and Afghanistan have a common border, and I thought, well, no wonder we can't find Osama Bin Laden -- we've been searching an imaginary border." --David Letterman

"Oh, by the way ... did you know Osama bin Laden had a driver? Oh, you've got to have a driver. Salim Hamdin is his name. The trial has begun. The charges were terrorism, conspiracy, making an illegal left turn. ... But this guy was a very devoted employee of Osama bin Laden. His driver, I saw him one time at the airport. He's holding the sign up that read 'Deranged Lunatic.'" --David Letterman

"Terrific news for our men and women serving our country overseas. Heidi and Spencer from 'The Hills' have announced that they are traveling to Iraq. As if things aren't bad enough there already." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Barack Obama was in Israel today. Did you see Barack wearing the traditional Jewish yarmulke? He looked very Jewish. Yeah. In fact, Jesse Jackson said, I'd like to circumcise him." --Jay Leno

"NBC News defended their coverage of Barack Obama. They've been accused of giving him more favorable treatment than John McCain. And today NBC News denied it. They said, 'That's ridiculous, we've never even heard of John McCain.'" --Jay Leno

"Now, you know, I don't want to say McCain is running a lackluster campaign, but his Secret Service code name is 'Bob Dole.' That's not good." --Jay Leno

"Did you realize that Osama bin Laden had a driver? They caught the guy and they arrested him, and he's now on trial and his name is Salim Hamdan. And here's the thing about this guy. He was a devoted employee. I mean, he loved working for Osama bin Laden. And maybe you saw him at airports. He would always show up at airports waiting for Osama bin Laden. He was the guy holding the sign that read, 'Fanatical Whackjob.'" --David Letterman

"Barack Obama is behaving very presidentially now. He's in the Middle East, and he met today with the leaders of Israel and Jordan. And not to be outdone, earlier today, John McCain was in the park playing checkers with Ed Koch." --David Letterman

"But people in the Middle East, you know, they love this Barack Obama, and I think the reason that they love the guy is because finally, [there's] a guy who can pronounce Mahmoud Ahmadinejad." --David Letterman

"Barack Obama is in the Middle East. He's in Israel today. While poor John McCain was stuck in a supermarket in Pennsylvania [on screen: McCain speaking in a Pennsylvania supermarket, in front of the cold cuts section]. I think he's in the cold cuts section. Excuse me, senator, can I get the Kraft singles for a second?" --Jimmy Kimmel

"Things are not going particularly well for John McCain. He's way behind in the polls and there's news that barack obama's merchandise is outselling John McCain by four to one. McCain has a strong lead when it comes to sales of the McClapper and the McDiaper, which I wore ... during the Super Bowl. They're excellent." --Jimmy Kimmel

Late Night From 07/23 Part 2

"Nation, lately, all the economic news has been bad. First, the government had to prop up Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac. It is our own fault for naming our lending institutions after the starts of 'Hee Haw.' Then there was Indymac, the third-largest bank failure in U.S. history. Without Indymac, where will indie bands put all the money they're not making? Folks, it's getting so these days I'm keeping all my assets under my mattress, which is fitting, because I'm heavily invested in old Playboys. Most disturbing of all, last week, the dollar hit another record low against the Euro. The Euro is now worth $1.57. To put that into perspective, that's more than a dollar" --Stephen Colbert

"You might have heard of famous syndicated columnist Robert Novak, best known for his inside Washington scoops, his role in the Valerie Plame CIA outing, and for the paralyzing toxins he releases when startled. Alright. Here's his picture [on screen: photo of Novak]. Obviously not pretty, but trust me, the inside is worse. All right. From what I understand, Robert Novak is filled with fish heads, old license plates and the cure for the cure for cancer. Normally, I wouldn't bring him up, because I know many of you are getting ready for bed. But columnist Robert Novak was a in a news story that, I think, perfectly encapsulates the true essence of the man [on screen: news coverage of Novak hitting a pedestrian in DC]. That doesn't sound like anything. I mean, clearly someone was put in harm's way, but it sounds completely innocent, and not reflecting at all on the blackness of Robert Novak's soul [on screen: DC news report saying Novak didn't know he hit anyone with his car, and reports that the bicyclist who notified him had said there was 'no way' Novak couldn't have known]. Yes! Robert Novak knew he did something wrong, and he just didn't give a s**t. That's the Novak I know and despise. In fact, the only difference really between this and the rest of his career, is that this time, someone stopped him. You know what Washington needs? More vigilante bicyclists! By the way, I will tell you the most shocking part of this story, that Robert Novak drives a black Corvette convertible. The black I get, but the corvette convertible? Sounds like someone is having an end-life crisis." --Jon Stewart

"Today in Berlin, Barack Obama spoke to a crowd of over 200,000 people. In fact, he was so eager to please the Germans, he promised he'd name David Hasselhoff as vice president." --Jay Leno

"Well, actually, history shows it's pretty easy to get a big crowd of Germans together. The problem comes when they start marching." --Jay Leno

"Hey, have you heard John McCain's new campaign slogan? 'Hey guys! I'm over here!' Not a lot happening. You can tell McCain is starting to get a little desperate to get publicity. In fact, last night he was photographed leaving A-Rod's hotel room at 2:00 in the morning." --Jay Leno

"To give you an idea how bad things are for McCain right now, the only way he could get less coverage is if he got a primetime show on NBC." --Jay Leno

"Well, it was leaked yesterday regarding a possible vice presidential running mate. John McCain could be leaning towards Tim Pawlenty. I know what you're thinking. THE Tim Pawlenty? Apparently, McCain wants to lower his profile even more. I'm not even sure who Pawlenty was, so I Googled him and it said 'Who?' ... He's governor of Minnesota, is that what it is? Pawlenty, doesn't it sound like a dish at the Olive Garden? 'Let me have some pawlenty with the meat sauce.'" --Jay Leno

"Oh, the price of oil has dropped to under $125 a barrel for the first time in two months. And gasoline is down six cents a gallon. You know what this means. The White House will call for an emergency bailout to help the struggling oil companies. 'We got to stop the bleeding!'" --Jay Leno

"I don't know if you know this or not. But right now Barack Obama is in the Mideast, and when he was over there he met with the Israelis, also met with the Palestinians. But not to steal the spotlight, John McCain also had a very busy day. He spent the entire day in the waiting room of Just Tires. But later he went to the park and played checkers with Ed Koch." --David Letterman

"Then this morning, the senator paid a visit to the Western Wall, one of the holiest sites in Juddaism, where he followed the custom of putting a message into one of the wall's crevices. It's typically a prayer God. Through my connections, I managed to get a hold of Obama's prayer. It reads, 'Dear God, Please protect my nuts from Jesse Jackson.' Gotta make sure this gets back in that wall. Note to self, put back in wall." --Stephen Colbert

"But while Obama was speaking to 100,000 adoring fans in Germany, McCain made his own impressive German appearance [on screen: McCain with Senator Lindsey Graham after a meal at Schmidt's Sausage Haus]. Unfortunately, not many supporters showed up, possibly due to his advertising flyers: 'Come to John McCain's Sausage Party.' Senator, excellent job matching Obama step for step, but he has been to a lot of countries, so if you just cover your bases, you might want to hit an IHOP." --Stephen Colbert

"It was time for the most anticipated event on Senator Obama's itinerary: his speech in Berlin. And so, at 7pm local time, a crowd of over 200,000 gathered to listen to Barack Obama. There was dancing, there was the climbing of lampposts to gaze upon the junior senator from Illinois and, of course, the requisite [flag waving]. Hay, I don't want to say anything, but I think your American flags are broken. They're not on fire. When was the last time you saw that overseas? You know, I've got to tell you. There's something about a charismatic leader rallying huge crowds of Germans in a large public square." --Jon Stewart

"But, of course, I'm not the only one who can make lemons out of lemonade [on screen: FNC's Steve Doocy saying Berlin's Victory Column, the site of Obama's speech, is a monument 'linked to Adolf Hitler']. Monument linked to Hitler? He's in Germany! You know how a lot of things in this country can be linked to Kevin Bacon? Well, in Germany, it's Hitler. It doesn't take six steps. Hey, look, Obama's in a Volkswagen. A car linked to Hitler! Overall, pretty strong visual for Senator Obama. But Senator McCain was engineering his own bit of domestic stage craft [on screen: video of McCain visiting a Pennsylvania grocery store]. Campaign cleanup in aisle 2." --Jon Stewart

"Presidential candidate Barack Obama was in Germany today. A huge crowd turned out to hear him speak. More than 200,000 people cheering him enthusiastically. It's the first time they've seen a black person there since they lost Milli Vanilli." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Yesterday, Obama was in Israel. And, in what some are calling a misguided attempt to appeal to Jewish voters, he was ceremoniously circumcised in Tel Aviv. It's not really true, though. It's a joke. It's not a good joke, but it's a joke." --Jimmy Kimmel

"It's been a great week for Obama. To say he say won the photo-op battle this week is like saying Batman did okay at the box office. Let's just recap. Here's Obama this week hitting a long jump shot in front of troops in Afghanistan [on screen: Obama hitting the shot]. And here's John McCain [on screen: McCain speaking in a Pennsylvania grocery store and getting interrupted by an announcement over the store loudspeaker]. He's being interrupted by the supermarket cashier in the prepackaged meat aisle at a grocery store. Things are so bad for John McCain -- I know this is going to seem like a joke -- but I did a Google news search for John McCain and here's what came up: nothing. That's real. I mean, it must have been a malfunction. Fortunately, he doesn't know how to get on the internet, so it probably won't bother him." --Jimmy Kimmel

"In world news, I guess you've heard Barack Obama [was] elected Chancellor of Germany, ladies and gentlemen. ... As you know, yesterday, Barack Obama was in the Fatherland. John McCain was in Grandfather Land." --Jay Leno

"Barack Obama is in France today. And again, McCain doing everything to compete with him. Like today, he ordered the French toast combo at IHOP." --Jay Leno

"You can tell the French are still a little gun shy. After speaking in front of 200,000 Germans yesterday, when Obama arrived in France today, they said, 'You came alone, right?" --Jay Leno

"And Barack Obama landed in London just about an hour ago. He's in London now. And to prepare for his visit to England, he didn't brush his teeth for four days." --Jay Leno

"Did you hear about the Dalai Lama? Did you hear about this? The Dalai Lama had a near-death experience today. He met with John McCain." --Jay Leno

"Yesterday, federal immigration officials arrested 43 illegal immigrants from Mexico in Hawaii! In Hawaii! How lost were they? Boy! And today, President Bush called for building a fence around Hawaii." --Jay Leno

"And in Puerto Rico, it is Constitution Day. It is Constitution Day in Puerto Rico. So, that's where the constitution went. I knew we weren't using it anymore." --Jay Leno

"And the Coast Guard closed over 100 miles of the Mississippi River after an oil spill of over 400,000 gallons of oil. The federal government leaped into action, and within 30 minutes of the spill, they were there. How does this make the people of New Orleans feel? They get wiped out by Hurricane Katrina, it takes FEMA, what? Six days to show up? A bottle of oil spills, the White House goes 'Noooo! and they're down there." --Jay Leno

"Barack Obama just back from his overseas trip. That's what everyone's talking about. Barack Obama's upset. Did you hear about this? He's angry, 'cause the other day in Israel, someone revealed the contents of a private prayer that Obama inserted into Jerusalem's Western Wall. It's supposed to be private, and someone opened it up and revealed it, yeah. Experts say it's even worse than the time the Washington Post printed President Bush's letter to Santa." --Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday Barack Obama visited a doctor, and he received treatment for a sore hip. Yeah, after hearing about it, John McCain said 'If he wants it replaced, I know just the guy.'" --Conan O'Brien

"During a recent concert, British pop star George Michael said that Barack Obama should pick Hillary Clinton as his vice president. Yeah. George Michael says he's been a huge Hillary fan ever since she started copying his Wham! haircut." --Conan O'Brien

"I'm not the only one who noticed the press' bias against John McCain. So has John McCain. Last week, his campaign sent an e-mail to reporters saying, 'It's pretty obvious that the media has a bizarre fascination with Barack Obama. Some may even say it's a love affair.' This has got to be hard on McCain. It is tough seeing your old flame with someone new. John McCain and the media had a very hot fling back in the summer of 2000. They even had cute little nicknames for each other. The press called McCain 'maverick,' and McCain called the press any time he wanted favorable coverage." --Stephen Colbert

"But John McCain isn't holding a grudge here. No, he's just trying to protect the press, warning them that the new man in their life is not what he appears to be. Because what he appears to be is the president. Obama is giving speeches behind a presidential seal, his new airplane has been nicknamed 'O Force One.' He's even talking like the president [on screen: a speech of Obama's in Israel, in which he says Israel is a strong friend of Israel's]. Needless to say, that statement enraged the Palestinians, who are a strong friend of the Palestinians. This guy is so presumptuous. Hey Obama, this election isn't over until the Supreme Court says it is." --Stephen Colbert

"While Barack Obama was campaigning in Germany, he spoke to a half million people in Germany, a half million people. And while he was doing that, John McCain, he wasn't laying around, no, no, John McCain was out driving in his driveway and he backed over the mailbox." --David Letterman

"But there was one little episode while Barack Obama was overseas. He was in Jerusalem, and he was heckled. And he's not used to being heckled, because everybody likes the guy wherever he goes so nobody heckles him. And this woman was just furious and nasty and heckling him, and finally he said, 'All right, Hillary, knock it off!'" --David Letterman

"You know, they said on the news earlier tonight that this political campaign has only 100 days left. Only! Anybody complaining that this thing was dragging out? Oh, not quick enough? ... Only 100 days left. Oh, God! 100 Days. I don't know what's less likely, Barack Obama getting enough experience in 100 days, or John McCain living another 100 days." --Jay Leno

"You see where John McCain met with the Dalai Lama? That was pretty amazing. Yeah, the man millions believe goes back to the seventh century standing next to the Dalai Lama." --Jay Leno

"There's a lot of what they call buzz going around in the blogosphere right now that Barack Obama will choose the Governor of Virginia, this guy Tim Kaine, to be his running mate. Officially Obama hasn't said anything, all they say is that he's narrowed the pool of candidates down to 'Not Hillary.'" --Jimmy Kimmel

"I don't like this silent picking thing. I think Obama should pick his vice president the old-fashioned way -- put 16 candidates in a mansion, make out with them in a hot tub and eliminate them one-by-one." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Barack Obama was on 'Meet The Press' Sunday. John McCain was on a new show called 'I Wish I Could Meet The Press.'" --Jay Leno

"Polls show that Barack Obama is more popular than John McCain in Germany, France and Great Britain. However, John McCain leads in Mesopotamia, Gaul, and the Holy Roman Empire." --Jay Leno

"Heard about this group called 'Prayer at the Pump'? There are prayer groups that are springing up, and they go to gas stations and they hold hands and they pray for lower gas prices. Otherwise known as the Bush energy plan." --Jay Leno

"John McCain campaigning very hard. Last night John McCain appeared on 'Larry King Live.' Yeah. The show consisted of a five-minute interview and a 55-minute pee break." --Conan O'Brien

"Barack Obama made a big announcement, Barack Obama announced that next month, he wants to spend a week on vacation in Hawaii. Yeah. Yeah, after hearing about it, President Bush said 'I can't believe he's taking another trip to a foreign country.'" --Conan O'Brien

And last week was all about Barack Obama, and his unbelievable trip overseas, traveling two continents, dazzling millions of people who come November, can in no way vote for him. But -- John McCain had his own exotic adventure [on screen: McCain saying, 'I had the opportunity of having lunch at Schmidt's Sausage House']. And everyone knows, as goes Schmidt's Sausage House, so goes the Hassenpfeffer Schnitzel Hut." --Jon Stewart

"Nation, I've got great news -- I am furious. Today Alaska Senator Ted Stevens was unfairly indicted by the Justice Department., just because the oilfield company VECO didn't charge him for an extensive renovation on his house -- including a brand new first floor, a fully finished basement, a wrap-around deck, and, one assumes, installing the latest internet tubes [on-screen: Stevens talking about the internet not being a 'big truck,' but a 'series of tubes']. The Justice Department is calling this a conflict of interest. Please -- VECO is a major oil drilling company, and Senator Stevens worked tirelessly to allow drilling in ANWR. That's not a conflict of interest -- their interests line up perfectly. This is a non-story folks, and I look forward to Stevens being proven innocent when President Bush commutes his sentence." --Stephen Colbert

"Of course, Ted Stevens isn't the only Republican struggling right now, so is John McCain. I frankly don't get it, the man's got a bold vision for America. Just yesterday, he issued this challenge to us as a nation [on screen: McCain urging Americans to use sunscreen]. That is a follow-up to his recent 'Wear Clean Underwear' initiative. Of course, if you don't have any sunscreen, you can do what McCain does and wear Joe Lieberman [on-screen: picture of Lieberman piggybacking on McCain]." --Stephen Colbert

"And earlier this week, John McCain had a small mole moved from his temple. To which President Bush said, 'Temple? I didn't know he was Jewish!'" --Jay Leno

"Well, yesterday Congress officially apologized for slavery. Not a moment too soon, huh? You hate to see these things fester until there's a lot of animosity. Thank God they nipped it in the bud like that." --Jay Leno

"And according to the TV show 'Extra,' former vice president Dan Quayle, remember him? He's in the running to join the cast of 'Dancing with the Stars.' That's true, Dan Quayle, you remember, he was vice president under the first George Bush. See, that was back in the day when the president was smart and the vice president was an idiot. Now, of course, everything's turned around" --Jay Leno

"Nation, I am still furious that Alaska Republican Senator Ted Stevens was indicted yesterday on charges that he improperly received gifts from oil field giant Veco. It was not improper. Senator Stevens received those gifts very properly. He even sent them a thank you note. 'Thanks for doing over $250,000 worth of renovations to my house and not charging me for it. Sincerely, Senator Ted Stevens.' The guy was raised right. Is that suddenly a crime?" --Stephen Colbert

"Time magazine says that many top Republicans are worried that lately, John McCain has been taking too negative a tone. When he heard this, McCain said, 'Shut your piehole.' Good for him." --Conan O'Brien

"Barack Obama says that next month he's planning on spending a week on vacation in Hawaii. Yeah, when he heard this, President Bush said, 'Pace yourself, 'cause once you become president, the vacations start coming fast and furious.'" --Conan O'Brien

"A comic book publisher says he's trying to increase voter turnout in the presidential election by publishing comic books about John McCain and Barack Obama. Yeah, the publisher said that the election comic books are targeted at first-time voters and long-time virgins." --Conan O'Brien

"Have you seen the new commercial? The McCain campaign compares Barack Obama to Britney Spears and Paris Hilton. And today the Obama campaign released an ad comparing John McCain to Zsa Zsa Gabor and Bea Arthur." --Jay Leno

"McCain is not backing down. He's defending the commercial, where he compared Barack Obama to Paris Hilton, as being 'all talk and little action.' That's what he said. Like Paris, Barack Obama is all talk and little action. Really? Has he seen her sex video? There is no talk. It is all action." --Jay Leno

"A new campaign ad from John McCain unfavorably compares Barack Obama and Britney Spears. Reporters tried to contact McCain to get a response to this criticism, but they couldn't get a hold of him. He was busy having his dinner on a TV tray watching 'Jeopardy.'" --David Letterman

"Demeaning Obama is not why this is a dick move by McCain. It's a dick move by McCain because one of the fine young ladies featured in this ad (on screen: photo of Paris Hilton)...her parents, the Hiltons, contributed $4,600, the maximum you can contribute, to the campaign of none other than John McCain. John McCain is saying to the Hiltons, 'I thank you kindly for your support. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go take a nationally televised dump on your daughter.'" --Jon Stewart, on McCain's attack ad comparing Obama to Paris Hilton and Britney Spears

"Barack Obama told Tom Brokaw, the other day, what he's looking for in a vice president is someone who would tell him when he's wrong. Wouldn't Hillary be the best candidate? She's been telling him he's been dead wrong since the beginning on this." -Jay Leno

"In a speech yesterday, Barack Obama said he's distantly related to the famous 19th century gunslinger Wild Bill Hickok. After hearing this, John McCain said, "Big deal, I went to high school with him." --Conan O'Brien

"The Olympics start the Friday after next. For some reason, they're having them in Beijing, and the government right now is very hard at work trying to cover up all the horrible things they do in that country every day. It's like when your mom comes to visit your dorm." --Jimmy Kimmel

"President Bush is on the hunt for a new home. He just found out he and Laura are going to have to move out of the White House in a few months. His massive plan of foreclosures and plummeting real estate prices finally paid off." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Yesterday, President Bush announced there are going to be some big changes in intelligence in the White House. Yeah, he's leaving." --Jay Leno

"Well listen, Barack Obama accused Republicans of trying to make others fear him, because, and I quote, he 'doesn't look like the other presidents on the dollar bill.' So the choice is, do you want to elect a guy who doesn't look like the president on the dollar bill, or do you want to elect a guy who looks older than the president on the dollar bill?" --Jay Leno

"And Barack Obama told Tom Brokaw the other day on 'Meet the Press' that what he's looking for in a VP is a person who will tell him when they thought he was wrong, to which President Bush said, 'Trust me, that gets old really fast.'" --Jay Leno

"And as you know, the McCain campaign is running that commercial where they're comparing Barack Obama to various Hollywood celebrities. And as you know, if there's one thing the Republicans will not stand for, it's electing some Hollywood celebrity to public office. Except for Ronald Reagan, Fred Thompson, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Clint Eastwood -- you know, except for those." --Jay Leno

"In a new report by the Center for Immigration Studies, researchers report that the number of illegal immigrants in the U.S. is down by 11 percent, and a lot of them are returning home. See, that's when you know the economy is bad, when illegal immigrants are fleeing to Mexico for a better way of life!" --Jay Leno

"John McCain's daughter announced she's writing a children's book based on her father's life. I think that's very nice, yeah. The children's book is called 'James and the Giant Prostate.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Some good unemployment news, President Bush will be out of work soon." --Jimmy Kimmel

"And the race to fill his giant red clown shoes is underway. The most recent Gallup poll has Senators Barack Obama and John McCain tied at 44% each. Obama doesn't seem to have gotten much of a bump in the polls since his big trip to Europe and Middle East last week. One of the criticisms that's being directed at him is that he's been acting like he's already president. But I don't know, I disagree, and I think I have evidence to back me up. We put a quick video together, I don't think Obama's acting presidential at all. Well compare it and contrast it for yourself [on screen: footage of Obama's Berlin speech, with words 'NOT PRESIDENTIAL' beneath it, interspersed with gaffes by President Bush, with 'PRESIDENTIAL' beneath it]" --Jimmy Kimmel

"But I think the U.S. is going to do well, particularly in swimming, I think we have a very strong swimming time this year for the Olympics, yeah, that's right. Dick Cheney in particular looks great in the freestyle waterboarding." --David Letterman

"They say John McCain is 71, but people are saying he may be older. No one knows for sure because his birth certificate was destroyed when the Wagon Train was attacked." --David Letterman

"Today, President Bush left on a seven-day trip to Asia. He's gonna visit South Korea, Thailand and China. That's right, yeah. Or, as Bush refers to them, China, China and China. Not a detail guy" --Conan O'Brien

"Barack Obama has agreed to debate John McCain three times this fall. Both candidates have conditions. Obama wants the debates to be held on college campuses. McCain wants them to be held before 7:00 p.m." --Conan O'Brien

"You ever notice that Congress doesn't even call it a vacation? You know what they call it? A recess. You ever notice the only people that get recess are Congress, kindergarten and juries? Those are the only three." --Jay Leno

"The three groups you can't trust to make an adult decision, basically. Oh, and I don't know if you noticed this. Last week, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi turned the lights out on Congress while the Republicans were talking. She killed the microphones and turned the lights off. Yeah, yeah. The Republicans called this outrageous, except, of course, for Senator Larry Craig, who called it romantic." --Jay Leno

"Oh, you hear about this? Here you go. Paris Hilton's mother is very upset because John McCain has put Paris in his campaign video. You know about this? He put paris in his campaign video, and she's furious. Isn't that amazing? Of all the videos Paris Hilton has been in, this is the one mom's upset about?" --Jay Leno

"Actually, both Britney Spears and Paris Hilton have now commented on the John McCain political ad. And both of them said, 'Who's John McCain?' So I don't know." --Jay Leno

"Oh, and the McCain campaign has accused Barack Obama of being elitist and using the race card. Yeah, yeah. The Obama campaign accused McCain of being old and using the Discover card." --Jay Leno

"The Boston Globe reports that political experts are telling Barack Obama that when he's on vacation in Hawaii, he should stay away from loud Hawaiian shirts and Speedos. Well, isn't that pretty much good advice for any middle aged guy? Do you have to tell middle-aged guys that?" --Jay Leno

"Hey, you see John McCain was at the country's biggest motorcycle rally. He was in Sturgis, South Dakota. You know, where all the Harley guys go? McCain showed up in a customized Rascal scooter." --Jay Leno

"Well, John McCain's daughter is now writing a children's book based on her father's life. See, the research has been difficult because, as you know, much of McCain's early life story is only available through folklore. So there's not much written down." --Jay Leno

"Today, the moderators were announced for the upcoming presidential debates. Good, yeah. Apparently, Barack Obama insisted on someone who asks even-handed, probing questions, while John McCain insisted on someone who will talk into his good ear." --Conan O'Brien

"John McCain does not want Dick Cheney to attend the Republican Convention, because he says he's too unpopular. Yeah, and when asked to comment, Cheney said, 'I hope the senator reconsiders.' Then he turned into a bat and flew away." --Conan O'Brien

"Senator Barack Obama had a birthday yesterday. He's 47 years old, which means that Senator Barack Obama and John McCain have a combined age of 147 years." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Larry King is getting divorced. Yep. And Larry apparently has had seven wives. Seven wives, he's been married seven times. And I feel bad for Larry, but you know, a lot of people just can't seem to make a go of divorce. Think about it. Seven weddings, my God, Larry is the cause of the rice shortage!" --David Letterman

"Hey, by the way, President Bush is on a trip to Asia, ladies and gentlemen. He will be spending the entire week in the Orient. Usually Bush is in the disorient." --David Letterman

"President Bush left for the Olympic Games early, in an effort to beat the traffic, landing in South Korea for a day of trade talks. ... It seemed like just another ordinary trip for the president, except, it's is his 134th visit to a foreign country! It's a record! He's now officially -- this is true -- our most traveled president in history. It's a little suspicious. Perhaps validating what I have been saying all along: President George W. Bush either has a thirst for international knowledge or is a drug mule." --Jon Stewart

""The tide has finally turned. The polls in the presidential race are tied, in that Barack Obama is winning by slightly less. People are finally seeing this guy for what he is -- a slick hope salesman getting by on platitudes, like his timetable for troop withdrawal in Iraq and his 15-point health care plan. It's all so vague." --Stephen Colbert

"Now, to highlight what a charade proper air pressure is, the McCain campaign has started handing out Barack Obama 'energy plan' tire gauges. You see? It's a great way to drive home what a ridiculous plan this is. Plus, it's an easy way to check your tire pressure, and that can save you a lot of money. That's not just me talking. The government's own website says that proper tire inflation can save up to 12 cents a gallon immediately. So thank you for the tire gauge, Senator McCain. And good work. You stuck it to all the left-wing nut jobs who advocate proper tire inflation. Radical liberals like your potential vice presidential nominee, Florida Governor Charlie Crist, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Joe Lieberman, Triple A and the pinkos over at NASCAR. I have had my eyes on those guys ever since they had that car sponsored by the ACLU." --Stephen Colbert

"John McCain was at the big annual motorcycle rally in Sturgis, up there in North Dakota, South Dakota. Is there a difference? Can't we just wake it one big Dakota? And John suggested that his wife could compete in the topless beauty pageant at the motorcycle rally." --David Letterman

"The big presidential debates coming up. Are we still excited about that? Barack Obama wants to debate about foreign policy, and John McCain wants to debate about the big band era." --David Letterman

"Ladies and gentlemen, here's here's some sad news from the world of broadcasting. You know Larry King? You know who Larry King is. He's getting a divorce. Wife number seven. Yup, wife number seven. Been married seven times. And experts believe if he stays healthy, he could make it to 10. So go get 'em, Larry. Been married seven times, seven weddings, and he apparently now needs elbow surgery from all the cake cutting." --David Letterman

"Barack Obama still continuing to dominate media coverage. The New York Times just did a big piece. They say that Barack Obama has been successful in politics because he's a black man who doesn't make white people feel threatened. Yeah, yeah. Which explains Obama's Secret Service code name, Al Roker." --Conan O'Brien

"The debates are coming up soon. Yesterday, the moderators for the presidential and vice presidential debates were announced. Two of them are from PBS. That's right. After hearing this, President Bush said, 'They got Burt and Ernie?!'" --Conan O'Brien

"There's a new poll that was done by the Lifetime network that is determined to have more American women who'd rather car pool or go on vacation with Barack Obama than John McCain. 51% for Obama to 31% for McCain. And that 31% fell to just 2% when it was specified that McCain would be driving in that carpool." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Since Congress went on recess, oil prices have dropped to $118 a barrel. That's, like, a $30 drop from the record high. You know, maybe Congress should take more vacations, huh? You ever notice, whenever these people leave town, things just seem to get better." --Jay Leno

"Actually, analysts say a weak economy is causing less energy use, resulting in falling oil prices. Yeah. Basically, the worse the economy, the lower the oil prices. Which means if Bush could serve one more term, oil would be free." --Jay Leno

"Well, Barack Obama and John McCain have both switched their positions on offshore oil drilling. They both used to be against it, but now they say they are for it under the right circumstances, like if it helps them get elected." --Jay Leno

"President Bush arrived in Beijing earlier today. And before stepping out of the plane, he tested the air with a canary. But they got together, the Chinese, and threw a big state dinner for President Bush in his honor. They served Peking lame duck. And President Bush, he doesn’t know what he’s doing over there. He turned to the president of China, and he said, 'General Tso, I love your chicken.'" --David Letterman

"Barack Obama now is giving interviews where he's opening up about his life. The candidates want to reveal their personal side. In a new interview that just came out, Barack Obama said as a kid, he cried when he saw the movie 'Born Free.' Very nice. Yeah. Yeah, meanwhile, John McCain said, as a kid, he cried because movies weren’t invented yet." --Conan O'Brien

"As you know, President Bush is on a week-long tour to Asia, where he’ll visit South Korea, Thailand and China — or as the White House calls it, 'The Everything-Sold-at-Wal-Mart Tour.'" --Jay Leno

"President Bush arrived in Beijing earlier today. Again, I don’t think he really understands the Olympics that well. Like, they asked him if he liked the decathlon, and he said, no, he preferred regular coffee." --Jay Leno

"Barack Obama heading to Hawaii for a vacation with his family. And President Bush commented on that today. He said: 'First Europe, now Hawaii. Maybe he should spend some time campaigning in America.'" --Jay Leno

"And earlier this week on the Internet, Paris Hilton posted her own ad to spoof the ad John McCain made about her. The McCain camp responded by that by saying Paris Hilton supports McCain's approach to America’s energy crisis. You know, how desperate is your presidential campaign when you have to try and convince people that Paris Hilton agrees with you? Personally, I’m not voting till I hear what Britney has to say." --Jay Leno

"And as you may have heard, Osama bin Laden’s driver found guilty of supporting terrorism. Osama bin Laden very upset today. He said, 'From now on, when I hire a driver, I’m going to do a background check.'" --Jay Leno

"President George Wilhelmina Bush is in China right now. He’s been in Asia this week, with his wife Laura, his daughter Barbara, and the guy who ties his shoes. They are there to watch the Olympics. Now, this may be the last major trip of the Bush Presidency. He is scheduled to take a day trip to Legoland in October, but this is the last big one." --Jimmy Kimmel

"More than 60 heads of state will be at the opening ceremonies, so security is extremely tight in China, which has been very hard on the locals there. Many stores and factories in Beijing have been required to close, and people have been forced out of their houses. It's sort of like here in the United States, only for them, it'll end in a couple of weeks." --Jimmy Kimmel

"President Bush, this is interesting, was going to make history, he becomes the first sitting U.S. president to attend the Olympics in a foreign country. He said he's been looking forward to it, ever since he heard that in China, people are not allowed to make fun of political leaders" --Jimmy Kimmel

"In fact, when John McCain heard about the John Edwards affair, he said 'Well, thank God I can't get an erection anymore, whew.' Some problems just take care of themselves." --Jay Leno

"Well, according to a new study, coffee can improve your memory, that's what they say, drinking coffee improves your memory. Which is good news for both Barack Obama and John McCain. If we can get them to have some coffee before their first debate, maybe they can remember what their original positions were." --Jay Leno

"As you know, Barack Obama's slogan is 'Yes We Can,' Hillary's new slogan, 'No, You Can't." Well did you hear about this? In a stunning announcement, Hillary Clinton is now telling people that she may want her delegates to vote at the convention for her. She hasn't given up yet. She's like Freddy Krueger in 'Nightmare on Elm Street.' It's back!" --Jay Leno

"And that Paris Hilton ad about John McCain has gotten over five million hits on the web. Five million, isn't that amazing? More people have seen the ad than have seen John McCain " --Jay Leno

"It turns out the Chinese faked part of the opening ceremonies. They made the fireworks look more lively. It's the same technology they use for John McCain." --Craig Ferguson

"You know, he really is adorable. He shouldn't be our president. He should be our mascot." --Jon Stewart, watching Bush at the Olympics

"Bush did sit down with the premiere Olympic sportscaster of all time, Bob Costas, to discuss what he thought was so weird about the invasion [on screen: Bush saying he thought it was odd Russia invaded Georgia during a time when the world is promoting 'peace and harmony,' and that there needs to be 'international mediation there']. Yes. Sometimes international mediation can solve conflicts. That's President Bush winning the preliminary heat in the 200 meter lack of self-awareness dash [on screen: Bush saying America doesn't seem to have any problems]. I think that might be our biggest problem." --Jon Stewart

"John McCain has been accused of stealing policy ideas from Wikipedia, which is ridiculous! Everybody knows McCain doesn’t know how to use the Internet, so how could you even accuse him of that?" --Craig Ferguson

"Barack Obama said today he wouldn’t raise taxes on anyone over 70 . . . and McCain said Obama was just pandering to the youth vote." --Craig Ferguson

"Now we move to our anti-Olympic update. Russia has taken a commanding lead over Georgia! Trouncing the former Soviet satellite 10,000 bombs to one]" --Jon Stewart

The onslaught in the caucus is centered around the disputed South Ossetia region on the border between the two countries. And while Russia claims they have ended military operations, Georgia claims the Russians have made further attacks in Abkhazia. Oh, war. It just God's way of teaching Americans geography." --Jon Stewart

"The presidential race has been rocked by the news that two years ago, John Edwards had an extramarital affair with campaign worker Rielle Hunter, who apparently caused a spike in his polling. Hunter produced campaign webisodes about Edwards, a bold idea in 2006. YouTube was brand new, and Edwards lit up cyberspace under the pseudonym 'Lonelyboy15.' But there's an even bigger scandal to this story [on screen: people questioning why the mainstream media ignored the John Edwards story for so long when the National Enquirer picked up on it in October 2007]. Exactly. This was reported in the National Enquirer last October. Why is the mainstream media ignoring the National Enquirer? I mean, look at the latest issue right here [on screen: Colbert holds up the latest cover of the National Enquirer, showing stories on 'plastic surgery shockers']. ... Why isn't the New York Times reporting on what happened to Madonna's face? Oh. Oh, girlfriend, no, no, no. Why didn't CNN pick up on this story on page five about Eva Longoria gaining weight in her attempts to get pregnant? By the way, confidential to Miss Longoria, if you're trying to get pregnant, I recommend making webisodes for John Edwards." --Stephen Colbert

Why doesn't the media ever give credence to a single story based on unsubstantiated rumors? [on screen: Dick Cheney saying, before the beginning of the Iraq war, that there is 'no doubt' that Saddam Hussein has weapons of mass destruction]. Oh. Touche." --Stephen Colbert

"Nation, a few months back, John McCain was asked whether he used a PC or a Mac. He said something shocking [on screen: McCain saying he relies on wife Cindy for help with the computer]. Which confirms a long-standing rumor that Cindy McCain is half computer. Now, a lot of people have said a guy who can't use a computer is the wrong person for the White House. Last time I checked, the president only needs to know how to press one button." --Stephen Colbert

"And now comes proof that McCain has learned to use a computer, because evidently, he has plagiarized from the internets. Congressional Quarterly reported this week that John McCain may have copied some facts in a recent speech on the Georgian crisis from Wikipedia. I think it should have been obvious when he referred to the country's leader as President 404 Error: File Not Found." --Stephen Colbert

"Here's just one of the examples listed in the article. Listen to what John McCain said about Georgia [on screen: McCain making a speech, and using sentences that sound exactly like a Wikipedia entry on Georgia]. Now, here's what Wikipedia's entry says on Georgia. 'One of the world's first nations to adopt Christianity as an official religion.' Of course, McCain said countries, Wikipedia said nations. But those words are interchangeable. Just like Sunnis and Shiites." --Stephen Colbert

"Now, I think McCain getting his facts from Wikipedia is great news. Wikipedia gets its facts from the American people, which means McCain is now using the people's voice. Or at least lip-synching to it. Plus, the internet can be a creepy place, but it's a lot less creepy than McCain's previous source of foreign policy information, Joe Lieberman [on screen: an archived speech by McCain in which Lieberman corrects him on Iran]. Ironically, Lieberman often needs similar help when he gets confused about the difference between Republicans and Democrats." --Stephen Colbert

"A Republican politician form Idaho has endorsed Barack Obama. The last time a Republican switched sides was in an airport men's room." --Craig Ferguson

Edinburgh (Scotland) Fringe arts festival

1. Zoe Lyons: “I can’t believe Amy Winehouse self-harms. She’s so irritating she must be able to find someone to do it for her.”

2. Andrew Laurence: “Most of us have a skeleton in the cupboard. David Beckham takes his out in public.”

3. Lloyd Langford: “My girlfriend said, ‘Did you know that hippopotamuses kill more people every year than guns?’ ‘Yes,’ I said, ‘but a gun is easier to conceal.’ ”

4. Josie Long: “When I was a kid I asked my mum what a couple was and she said ‘oh, two or three.’ And she wonders why her marriage didn’t work.”

5. Tim Vine: “Velcro. What a rip-off.”

6. Stephen Grant: “The Scots invented hypnosis, chloroform and the hypodermic syringe - wouldn’t it be easier just to talk to a woman?”

7. Edward Aczel: “So far bird flu has only killed 47 people. By the time it ends, it’s going to have killed 37 million. It’s got to get going, hasn’t it, if it’s going to be the pandemic we’ve all been hoping for.”

8. Joan Rivers: “Grandchildren can be [expletive] annoying. How many times can you go, ‘And the cow goes moo and the pig goes oink’? It’s like talking to a supermodel.”

9. Tom Stade: “I like Jesus but he loves me, so it’s awkward.”

10. Jeff Kreisler: “People were outraged because of Barack Obama’s spiritual advisor. I think it’s great he had one. Who was George Bush’s spiritual advisor? Jim Beam? Johnnie Walker? Jack Daniels?”

"It turns out the Chinese faked part of the opening ceremonies. They made the fireworks look more lively. It's the same technology they use for John McCain." --Craig Ferguson

"You know, he really is adorable. He shouldn't be our president. He should be our mascot." --Jon Stewart, watching Bush at the Olympics

"Bush did sit down with the premiere Olympic sportscaster of all time, Bob Costas, to discuss what he thought was so weird about the invasion [on screen: Bush saying he thought it was odd Russia invaded Georgia during a time when the world is promoting 'peace and harmony,' and that there needs to be 'international mediation there']. Yes. Sometimes international mediation can solve conflicts. That's President Bush winning the preliminary heat in the 200 meter lack of self-awareness dash [on screen: Bush saying America doesn't seem to have any problems]. I think that might be our biggest problem." --Jon Stewart

"John McCain has been accused of stealing policy ideas from Wikipedia, which is ridiculous! Everybody knows McCain doesn’t know how to use the Internet, so how could you even accuse him of that?" --Craig Ferguson

"Barack Obama said today he wouldn’t raise taxes on anyone over 70 . . . and McCain said Obama was just pandering to the youth vote." --Craig Ferguson

"Now we move to our anti-Olympic update. Russia has taken a commanding lead over Georgia! Trouncing the former Soviet satellite 10,000 bombs to one]" --Jon Stewart

The onslaught in the caucus is centered around the disputed South Ossetia region on the border between the two countries. And while Russia claims they have ended military operations, Georgia claims the Russians have made further attacks in Abkhazia. Oh, war. It just God's way of teaching Americans geography." --Jon Stewart

"The presidential race has been rocked by the news that two years ago, John Edwards had an extramarital affair with campaign worker Rielle Hunter, who apparently caused a spike in his polling. Hunter produced campaign webisodes about Edwards, a bold idea in 2006. YouTube was brand new, and Edwards lit up cyberspace under the pseudonym 'Lonelyboy15.' But there's an even bigger scandal to this story [on screen: people questioning why the mainstream media ignored the John Edwards story for so long when the National Enquirer picked up on it in October 2007]. Exactly. This was reported in the National Enquirer last October. Why is the mainstream media ignoring the National Enquirer? I mean, look at the latest issue right here [on screen: Colbert holds up the latest cover of the National Enquirer, showing stories on 'plastic surgery shockers']. ... Why isn't the New York Times reporting on what happened to Madonna's face? Oh. Oh, girlfriend, no, no, no. Why didn't CNN pick up on this story on page five about Eva Longoria gaining weight in her attempts to get pregnant? By the way, confidential to Miss Longoria, if you're trying to get pregnant, I recommend making webisodes for John Edwards." --Stephen Colbert

Why doesn't the media ever give credence to a single story based on unsubstantiated rumors? [on screen: Dick Cheney saying, before the beginning of the Iraq war, that there is 'no doubt' that Saddam Hussein has weapons of mass destruction]. Oh. Touche." --Stephen Colbert

"Nation, a few months back, John McCain was asked whether he used a PC or a Mac. He said something shocking [on screen: McCain saying he relies on wife Cindy for help with the computer]. Which confirms a long-standing rumor that Cindy McCain is half computer. Now, a lot of people have said a guy who can't use a computer is the wrong person for the White House. Last time I checked, the president only needs to know how to press one button." --Stephen Colbert

"And now comes proof that McCain has learned to use a computer, because evidently, he has plagiarized from the internets. Congressional Quarterly reported this week that John McCain may have copied some facts in a recent speech on the Georgian crisis from Wikipedia. I think it should have been obvious when he referred to the country's leader as President 404 Error: File Not Found." --Stephen Colbert

"Here's just one of the examples listed in the article. Listen to what John McCain said about Georgia [on screen: McCain making a speech, and using sentences that sound exactly like a Wikipedia entry on Georgia]. Now, here's what Wikipedia's entry says on Georgia. 'One of the world's first nations to adopt Christianity as an official religion.' Of course, McCain said countries, Wikipedia said nations. But those words are interchangeable. Just like Sunnis and Shiites." --Stephen Colbert

"Now, I think McCain getting his facts from Wikipedia is great news. Wikipedia gets its facts from the American people, which means McCain is now using the people's voice. Or at least lip-synching to it. Plus, the internet can be a creepy place, but it's a lot less creepy than McCain's previous source of foreign policy information, Joe Lieberman [on screen: an archived speech by McCain in which Lieberman corrects him on Iran]. Ironically, Lieberman often needs similar help when he gets confused about the difference between Republicans and Democrats." --Stephen Colbert

"A Republican politician form Idaho has endorsed Barack Obama. The last time a Republican switched sides was in an airport men's room." --Craig Ferguson

"The theme of the Democratic Convention is unity. Unfortunately they can't agree on how that works." --David Letterman

"Joe Biden is Barack Obama's running mate. Yeah nothing says change like a guy who's been in the Senate for 35 years" --David Letterman

"This Thursday, Barack Obama is gonna give his acceptance speech, and reportedly it's going to include performances by Bon Jovi and Bruce Springsteen. Yeah. And they say Obama's not black enough!" --Conan O'Brien

"Tomorrow night at the Democratic Convention to show her support for Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton is going to give a speech. Everyone's waiting to hear what she says, yeah. Hillary's speech is entitled, 'Forget All Those Things I Said During The Primaries.'" --Conan O'Brien

"The current issue of Newsweek magazine has a picture of President Bush on the cover with the headline, 'What Bush Got Right.' Yeah, it's true. Newsweek says 'What Bush Got Right' is their shortest cover story since January's issue on famous Korean rabbis." --Conan O'Brien

"As you all know by now, Barack Obama sent out a cell phone text message at 3 a.m. on Saturday morning to tell everyone he picked Joe Biden as his vice president. How do you think this makes Hillary Clinton feel, huh? Finally, she gets a telephone call at 3 a.m., it's to tell her they picked Joe Biden." --Jay Leno

"You