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Joke of the Day

Day # Range: 4126 - 4150

Date Range: 01/22/18 ~ 02/15/18

Thu, 02/01/2018

Joke Day: #4126

From: 01/22/18
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 01

Conan O'Brien

Matt Lauer’s wife has reportedly kicked him out of the house. Even worse, she’s replaced him with Hoda.

The author of the new book on the Trump administration said that President Trump is currently cheating on Melania. When she heard, Melania said, “Thank God.”

Good news for Washington — the government shutdown is over. The bad news for us — our government is back to work.

China has banned hip hop from Chinese television, which is bad news for China’s biggest hip hop star, the Notorious MSG.

An ABC news poll showed that 48% of Americans think President Trump is mentally unstable. The remaining 52% agree BUT that’s what they like about him.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

In Washington, Democrats and Republicans reached a deal. Kind of a deal, to reopen the government for, well, at least three weeks. The Democrats agreed to fund the government through February 8 in exchange for a promise from Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell that they would have a debate and a vote on DACA. In other words, for nothing.

So Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer thought he struck a deal with the president on Friday, but then the president’s team came in and said, “No, no, no. Bad boy! Go back to bed and eat a cheeseburger,” and the deal was off.

Schumer said negotiating with the president was like trying to negotiate with Jell-O, specifically the orange Jell-O.

Trump was completely removed from the negotiations. It’s funny, he always claimed to be the best negotiator. This was his big selling point, “I’m the dealmaker.” At this point it seems pretty clear he couldn’t even negotiate 20% off at Bed Bath & Beyond with the coupon.

Trump was also reported to be upset that he had to cancel his trip to Mar-a-Lago this weekend. They had a party to celebrate the one-year anniversary of his inauguration, but going to a party with the government shutdown would look bad, so the White House went to great lengths to prove the president was working this weekend. They even released a photo of him working [shows staged-looking photo of Trump holding phone]. There he is sitting at his desk... There’s clearly no one on the other end of that call.

That’s how you pose if you’re on a tour of the Oval Office and they let you sit behind the desk. He’s wearing a hat with a suit, and the only time it’s appropriate to wear a hat with a suit is at the NBA draft. And we all know the president dodges drafts, so...

This weekend millions of protesters, mostly women, marched in cities across the country on the one-year anniversary of Trump’s presidency. It was really a huge turnout. Even Melania marched, but the Secret Service captured her and returned her to her shoe closet.

One thing you can say — Donald Trump got more women to exercise than Michelle Obama ever did.

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Good news — it looks like the government shutdown is over. They shut it down, and they started it back up. It’s nice to know Trump’s plan for fixing the government is the same as fixing a Windows computer. “Did you try unplugging it? Wait 10 seconds.”

Saturday was the second annual Women’s March, and thousands of women held signs protesting the president. But Trump was like, “Joke’s on you — I can’t read.”

Last night, the Eagles moved on to the Super Bowl after beating the Vikings 38 to 7. The last time someone got beat up that bad in Philadelphia, he had to move in with his auntie and uncle in Bel-Air.

Also, the New England Patriots advanced to the Super Bowl. Did you see this though? It looked like one of the referees was actually celebrating with the Patriots after the game. When asked if the game was rigged, the ref said, [Russian accent] “No, was completely normal game of American football. Heh-heh.”

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West named their newborn daughter Chicago West. That sounds less like a baby and more like something that would air on Thursdays at 10 p.m. on NBC. “Next on ‘Chicago West...’”

Fri, 02/02/2018

Joke Day: #4127

From: 01/23/18
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 02

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Today a White House adviser compared President Trump to Houdini, because “if you keep him in a cage, he’s gonna get out.” When asked how he knows that, he said, “’Cuz we put him in a cage... and he got out.”

He said Trump’s like Houdini. If you think about it, Trump IS a pretty good magician — in the past year, he sawed his approval rating in half and made everyone who worked for him disappear.

Trump keeps demanding money for his border wall even though there are limited funds. Trump is like that couple on “House Hunters” who wants a five-bedroom mansion on a $70,000 budget. [imitates Trump] “And it has to have marble countertops! That is a must! I won’t even look at it!”

The White House announced new restrictions on washing machines imported to the U.S. It’s partially to protect consumers, mainly because Trump was eating too many Tide Pods.

This is cool. The History Channel’s show “Pawn Stars” is celebrating its 500th episode. To celebrate, the network gave the producers gold watches, which they immediately knew were fake.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Following reports that President Trump carried on an affair with a porn star shortly after the birth of his youngest son, the head of the conservative Family Research Council said in a new interview that Trump deserves a “do-over.” OK, but I doubt she’d still be into it.

According to Vanity Fair, White House staffers have nicknamed Chief of Staff John Kelly “the Church Lady.” And Steve Bannon lives in a van, down by the river.

Rum maker Bacardi announced yesterday that it is acquiring Patron Spirits for $5.1 billion. And like most Bacardi announcements, it was shouted at 5 a.m. in the back seat of an Uber.

The Taj Mahal is currently undergoing its first cleaning since its construction in the 1600s. “Maybe we should do that,” said New York.

Sat, 02/03/2018

Joke Day: #4128

From: 01/23/18
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 03

Conan O'Brien

Yesterday was the Trumps’ 13th wedding anniversary and I looked it up — the traditional gift for the 13th anniversary is lace. For a second, Melania got excited and said, “I thought you said ‘mace.’”

Christopher Plummer, who replaced Kevin Spacey in a film, received an Oscar nomination. Afterwards, Plummer called Spacey to thank him for being a creep.

This morning, Meryl Streep was nominated for an Academy Award. Or as that’s called in Los Angeles, “the first sign of spring.”

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Hollywood awards season is in full bloom as nominations for Academy Awards came out today. There are a lot of familiar faces among the nominees. Meryl Streep is nominated for the 21st time. Denzel Washington was nominated for his ninth Oscar and I’m not even sure he was in a movie this year. That’s how good he is.

There were some historic nominations too. For the first time ever, a woman was nominated for best cinematography. We have the fifth woman and the fifth African-American to be nominated for best director, and Kobe Bryant is the tallest person ever nominated for an animated short.

According to The Washington Post, Robert Mueller, the special counsel, wants to interview President Trump. The main thing will be to get him to answer questions between bites of cheeseburger.

They really should make this interview a pay-per-view event — it would definitely make enough money to pay for that stupid wall.

It’s not clear if this interview will be done in writing or in person or some combination. If they do talk in person, it could be an opportunity to catch Trump lying under oath as opposed to lying into a camera, microphone, or in a tweet like he usually does.

If I was Robert Mueller, while I was asking questions, I’d ask how he does the comb-over. I’d just say, “Are you pulling from the back to the front, or kind of twirling? And I will remind you that you’re under oath.”

Sun, 02/04/2018

Joke Day: #4129

From: 01/24/18
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 04

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders said yesterday that the White House wants to see the Russia investigation “come to a complete and full conclusion.” “Uh, no you don’t…” replied Robert Mueller.

According to NBC News, special counsel Robert Mueller’s team is expected to interview former White House chief strategist Steve Bannon by the end of the month. They’d do it sooner but they need to get their vaccines first.

Pop icon Elton John announced today that he will retire from touring after being on the road for nearly 50 years. Said Mike Pence, “How nice for his wife!”

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

You're looking good out there, America. I've got to ask, have you lost weight? Like, maybe 239 pounds? Because Donald Trump has left the country.

As we speak, the president is jetting to Davos, Switzerland, for the World Economic Forum, an annual gathering that draws the world's elite from the world of business, finance, politics, and public affairs. Basically, it's what Lex Luthor would point his space laser at.

Now, for those of you who haven't been invited, like I haven't, it's a bunch of fancy people who think you can solve the world's problems at an unlimited fondue bar.

Trump's entire campaign for president was against globalization and the world's elite. So why's he going? Well, according to the director of the National Economic Council, Gary Cohn, "Trump wants to remind the world that we are open for business." And closed to immigrants, which those businesses really need to work. So, if you guys could just sneak in, that would be great.

Mon, 02/05/2018

Joke Day: #4130

From: 01/24/18
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 05

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Thank you for joining us on what has been an uncharacteristically calm evening here in the United States. It's funny. We were in the office today, just kind of hanging out, waiting for something to happen like it does every day. And nothing really happened, which was strange. And then I realized oh, yeah, the reason it's quiet is because Donald Trump is on a plane right now. He's out of the country.

President Trump is on his way to Davos, Switzerland, for the World Economic Forum. He'll only be there for a night, but that should be plenty of time for him to say something racist.

He's there to meet with other world leaders, to give a speech, and he’s there judging the Swiss Miss Universe pageant. It’s really the best pageant, because the women come with mini marshmallows and they're delicious.

Trump plans to tell the world that America is open for business. And who better to make that declaration than a man who declared bankruptcy six different times.

According to a new poll, the majority of Americans don't trust President Trump with the nuclear button. Fifty-two percent of the public say they're worried the president might launch a nuclear attack for no good reason. I just wonder who are the 48 percent not worried? I wouldn't trust Donald Trump with a belly button.

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Some big news about the Russian investigation. It came out that Robert Mueller wants to interview President Trump. It’s gonna be awkward when Trump tries to flee to Mexico and can’t climb over his own wall.

Tonight Trump is flying to Switzerland for the World Economic Forum, and the flight’s supposed to last eight hours. Or as they told Trump, “16 ‘SpongeBobs.’”

There were lots of protests in Switzerland. One person was holding a sign that said “Dump Trump.” But the president wasn’t mad – he said, “Haha, you spelled Donald wrong.”

Congrats to Sen. Tammy Duckworth who will become the first U.S. senator to have a baby while in office! That’s right, she’s having a baby, so at least we’ve got ONE senator who’ll deliver.

Pizza Hut says if either team beats the record for the fastest touchdown in the Super Bowl, it’s giving away free pizza to people in its loyalty program. The only downside is you have to tell people that you’re in the Pizza Hut loyalty program.

Elton John just announced that he is going to retire after his next world tour. There's gonna be a dramatic moment at the end where he admits that the lyrics really ARE “hold me closer, Tony Danza.”

Two guys in Minnesota were pulled over with almost 500 pounds of weed in their car. You could tell it was a lot, ’cuz even their GPS was like, “Forget about the destination – it’s all about the journey, man!”

Tue, 02/06/2018

Joke Day: #4131

From: 01/25/18
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 06

Late Night With Seth Meyers

President Trump arrived in Switzerland this morning for the World Economic Forum, and immediately converted his money [shows picture of hotdogs] into franks.

President Trump tried to dispel rumors today he has a strained relationship with British Prime Minister Theresa May, and said they are on the same wavelength. Added Trump, “If it wasn’t for the language barrier, we’d be best friends.”

According to a new poll, 29% of people believe President Trump is a good role model for children. What?! [shows picture of Trump, Harvey Weinstein, Kevin Spacey] Was it multiple choice?

That’s right. According to a new poll, 29% of people believe President Trump is a good role model for children. ”That’s all we needed to hear,” said Child Protective Services.

Retired NBA star Kobe Bryant has been nominated for an Academy Award for the short film “Dear Basketball,” which is either a film about his basketball career or [shows cartoon of a deer sinking a basket] the single greatest movie ever made.

Pope Francis yesterday condemned fake news, saying the spread of false information dates back to the time of Adam and Eve. Specifically, the part about there being an Adam and Eve.

Officials at a South Carolina zoo say an orangutan briefly escaped his enclosure on Monday, but then returned to his pen. Incidentally “the orangutan escaped his enclosure” is Secret Service code for when Trump shows up at a policy briefing.

A new poll has found that 86% of Americans said that it’s important that the president be loyal to their spouse. Said Melania, “No, seriously, I’m good.”

A South Carolina man was arrested this weekend for attacking a comedian during his show at a comedy club. ”Frankly, I’m surprised it doesn’t happen to me more often,” [shows photo of Bill Cosby] said the comedian.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

It’s day two of Trump’s trip to the Davos conference in the Swiss Alps. It’s loaded with celebrities. Will.i.am is there, Cate Blanchett is there. Obviously, the Swiss Miss is there. That Ricola guy is there. And now, Donald Trump.

Today, he sat down with British Prime Minister Theresa May, which could have been awkward because they’ve had some sharp words for each other. But today, in Davos, Trump defended their relationship [clip of Trump speaking with May sitting silently]: “I think the feeling is mutual from the standpoint of liking each other a lot.” Are you allowed just to say how the other person feels about you without them saying a word? I’m not sure the feeling is mutual; can we see a close-up? Yeah, she’s got that classic British stiff upper face.

Trump also met with Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu. It was their first meeting since Trump announced he’s moving the U.S. embassy to Jerusalem, and Trump defended the action [clip of Trump]: “There were never any deals that came close, because you could never get past Jerusalem. So when people said, ‘Oh, I set it back’ — I didn’t set it back, I helped it. Because by taking it off the table, that was the toughest issue.” Yes, he helped the negotiations, by ending the negotiations. Just like King Solomon. ”OK, both of you gals want this baby. Tell you what. I’m going to cut it in half and give both sides to her. Now, fight over the knife! Negotiate!”

For the first time ever, Trump indicated that he is open to a path to citizenship for Dreamers. Finally, a way for immigrants to become citizens without having to marry Donald Trump.

Wed, 02/07/2018

Joke Day: #4132

From: 01/25/18
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 07

Conan O'Brien

It’s come out that Bernie Sanders met with staffers to discuss a presidential run in 2020. Apparently, Bernie’s first question will be, “Will I still be alive?”

First lady Melania Trump decided not to go on a trip to Switzerland with President Trump and instead she visited a Holocaust museum. When asked why, Melania said, “It just sounded like more fun.”

In the news yesterday, North Korea suggested that it would like to reunite with South Korea. I think something’s up because today South Korea gave North Korea its Netflix password.

There’s a new Harry Potter-themed cruise, and tickets start at $4,000 a person. For that price you get an owl, you get a wand, and you get to be alone for the rest of your life.

The Baltimore Ravens’ first-round pick was arrested on robbery charges. In other words, he’s going to fit right in.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

According to the National Travel and Tourism Office, tourism is down in America since we elected President Trump. The U.S. tourism industry lost 40,000 jobs and $4.6 billion in revenue since the inauguration. I don’t know why people wouldn’t want to come here, we’re so welcoming to foreigners, starting right at the top.

We don’t really need a wall. We already have Trump. Trump is his own wall, in a way.

Not only are people from other countries not coming to this country, the president is not in this country right now. He’s 6,000 miles away at the World Economic Forum in Switzerland. He tweeted last night, “We’ll soon be heading to Davos, Switzerland, to tell the world how great America is and is doing. Our economy is now booming and with all I am doing, will only get better. Our country is finally winning again.” Again with the winning. He knows that’s Charlie Sheen’s thing, right? That’s not his, it’s another psychopath from Twitter.

If you don’t know what it is, the World Economic Forum is an annual gathering of the super rich. It’s funny how super rich people hang out together. You don’t see that at other income levels. “You make 80 grand a year? Me too! Well, let’s go do something, take a trip.”

The New York Times had a big bombshell story tonight. They reported that Trump ordered White House counsel Don McGahn to fire Robert Mueller, who’s running the Russia investigation. But the president backed off when McGahn said if you make me do that, I’m going to quit. Which obviously would have been a disaster for Trump; it still might be. You can’t just fire every guy who investigates you. He’s running the White House by the exact same rules as “The Apprentice.” He doesn’t understand. He’s like, “Nobody ever had a problem when I fired Meat Loaf.”

According to this report, Trump said Mueller has a conflict of interest because years ago, there was a dispute over fees and Mueller canceled his membership at the Trump National Golf Club in Virginia. Of course it’s about golf. It’s always all about golf. Everything is golf-related.

The last time Trump fired someone from the FBI, it was Jim Comey. And that led to Robert Mueller getting hired. If he fires Robert Mueller, maybe they’ll put special investigator Hillary Clinton on the case, who knows? I will say this, Richard Nixon right now, must be rolling around in his grave, going, “How does he do it!”

Oprah has announced she will not run for president in 2020. She did an interview and said running for president is not for her. If she’s not going to run for president, can’t she at least give us each a car or something?

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Some pretty big news about the Russia investigation. President Trump told reporters that he is going to talk to Robert Mueller, but he wants to talk to him under oath. Then Trump turned to his lawyers and said, “Relax, I’ll have my fingers crossed the whole time.”

Trump is willing to talk to Robert Mueller under oath. That will get off to a weird start when Trump is told “Raise your right hand” and he goes, “My right or your right?”

The Justice Department recovered 50,000 missing text messages from FBI agents. 50,000! And they were all from just trying to set up a group brunch. “I can’t make it then, man, no way. My kid’s got karate.”

Trump is actually in Switzerland for the World Economic Forum right now. When someone asked him about stakeholders, Trump said, “I believe the word is ‘fork.’”

I read that John Kerry is considering running for president in 2020. Kerry has a great campaign slogan. ”John Kerry: Sorry I’m Not Oprah.”

It was announced that the ‘90s sitcom “Murphy Brown” is coming back. Another revival — you also have “Roseanne” on ABC, “Will & Grace” on NBC, and “The Twilight Zone” on CNN.

Speaking of comebacks, a pretty big sports story here. WWE chairman Vince McMahon announced that he is bringing back his football league, the XFL. XFL fans were like, ‘What a day! ‘Murphy Brown’ and now this! I’m like, freakin’ out, man!”

A man broke a Guinness world record by walking barefoot on a 120-foot path of loose Legos. This beats the old record set by every dad getting up to use the bathroom at night.

Thu, 02/08/2018

Joke Day: #4133

From: 01/29/18
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 08

The Late Late Show with James Corden

It was a busy weekend for me. I was hosting the 60th annual Grammy Awards in New York last night. [audience cheers, claps] OK, I just want to say right off the top, I went out last night, and I drunk quite a lot. And then I flew straight to L.A. at 7 this morning, so that sort of noise feels very selfish on your part.

Alessia Cara won the award for best new artist. She was up against Khalid, Julia Michaels, Lil Uzi Vert and SZA. Or as your mom knows them: who, who, who, who and SZA.

If you watched the Grammys, you may have noticed we did a little comedy piece last night where Hillary Clinton read an excerpt from the book “Fire and Fury.” And she got the biggest cheer of the night in Madison Square Garden. But apparently some people in Trump’s administration took issue with it. UN Ambassador Nikki Haley tweeted, “I’ve always loved the Grammys but to have artists read the ‘Fire and Fury’ book killed it. Don’t ruin great music with trash. Some of us love music without the politics thrown in.” So I guess Nikki only liked the other nonpolitical parts of the Grammys. You know, Kendrick Lamar’s performance about police violence. Or U2’s performance about immigration in front of the Statue of Liberty. You know, lighthearted nonpolitical stuff.

She wrote, “Some of us love music without the politics thrown in.” Well, Nikki Haley, you can tell your boss that some of us love politics without the Twitter meltdowns thrown in.

Even Trump’s son, Donald Jr., got in on the action. He tweeted, “Getting to read a fake news book excerpt at the Grammys seems like a great consolation prize for losing the presidency.” You’ve got to give him credit. If anyone knows anything about consolation prizes, it’s Donald Trump’s second-favorite child. At least you’re not Tiffany!

In other news, former Trump staffer and one-time “Apprentice” contestant Omarosa took a new gig this week. It was announced she will be joining the cast of “Celebrity Big Brother.” From Trump’s White House to CBS’s “Big Brother” house — by any standard that’s a promotion.

In an interview with Piers Morgan, Donald Trump admitted that he posts tweets while he is lying in bed. Yeah, Trump’s on Twitter while he’s in bed. And I guess that makes two places where Melania won’t follow him.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

Who here watched the Grammys last night? The big winner was Bruno Mars, whose “24K Magic” won both Album of the Year and Record of the Year. That’s a neat trick. At next year’s Emmys, I hope we’re nominated for Best Late Night Comedy Show and Best Comedy Show in Late Night. It’s a twofer. And then lose ’em both to John Oliver.

It was a pretty political show last night. A lot of artists called out Trump’s immigration policy, including Camila Cabello, U2, and the rapper Logic. Not the first time Trump and logic have been at odds.

And there was even a surprise cameo from Trump’s archenemy and wedding guest, Hillary Clinton, who appeared in a sketch reading from “Fire and Fury.” That must have made Trump so mad to see Hillary showing off how she can read.

But all the politics in last night’s show upset UN Ambassador Nikki Haley. She tweeted, “I have always loved the Grammys, but to have artists read the ‘Fire and Fury’ book killed it. Don’t ruin great music with trash. Some of us love music without the politics thrown in it.” She just wants to take us back to when music was less political. You know, John Lennon, Woody Guthrie, Bob Dylan, N.W.A.

N.W.A. — I loved their song “No Comment on Tha Police.”

Tomorrow night is President Trump’s first State of the Union address. He’s not scheduled to appear in front of Congress again until the impeachment hearings.

The administration wants to showcase what the country is like now that Republicans are in charge of everything. And they may have done just that, because they sent out these actual tickets to see the State of the Uniom.

Now they’re reprinting the tickets, and they’re going to recall the old ones — which could be tough, because I’ve seen members of the Trump administration testify, and they can’t recall ANYTHING. But maybe, just maybe, it’s not a typo. He said he would change things. Maybe tomorrow WILL be the first State of the Uniom. “My fellow Anericams: With Doland Trunk as your predisent, every mang, woban, and chilm will know: The state of our uniom is strug!”

Anyway, I’m looking forward to the speech. Almost as much I’m looking forward to his interview with Robert Mueller. Since last we met, we learned that Trump tried to fire Mueller last June. So that interview might be awkward.

Now, ultimately, Trump didn’t fire Mueller because White House legal counsel Don McGahn “refused to ask the Justice Department to dismiss the special counsel, saying he would quit instead.” There was a time when I thought nobody in the White House had any scruples. But we found a scrap of scruple!

Fri, 02/09/2018

Joke Day: #4134

From: 01/29/18
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 09

Conan O'Brien

Hillary Clinton was on last night’s Grammys. Did you see that? Yeah, Hillary lost to Bruno Mars despite beating him by 3 million votes.

Yesterday after the Grammys, Jay-Z got into a Twitter feud with President Trump. Jay-Z and President Trump in a Twitter feud. It turns out the most powerful man in the world doesn’t like President Trump.

In a new interview, President Trump revealed that he tweets in bed. When asked if this were true, Melania said, “How the hell would I know?”

Big news in baseball. After numerous complaints from Native Americans, the Cleveland Indians have decided they’re going to get rid of their mascot Chief Wahoo in 2019. They said, “We realize our mascot is really offensive and racially insensitive, so we’re going to wait a year and then get rid of it.”

In Florida, a 7-year-old boy was arrested for punching his teacher. A 7-year-old boy — or as they call that in Florida, a prodigy.

On Thursday, KFC announced that Colonel Sanders will now be played by Reba McEntire. People have not been this shocked since 2007, when I took over for the Wendy’s girl. Remember that? The stock went down 95 percent.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Ed Sheeran won two Grammy Awards. But poor Ed Sheeran. He was up for best pop solo performance in a category against four female nominees, and when he won Twitter attacked him. “This is ridiculous… in this year of all years, how dare Ed Sheeran beat those women…” You know Ed Sheeran didn’t actually “beat” any women. There was a vote. I mean, what’s he supposed to do? Write less popular songs?

The big winner of last night was Bruno Mars. Bruno won six Grammy Awards, including Song of the Year, Album of the Year, and Record of the Year. You shouldn’t be able to win that many categories for the same thing. Imagine tuning in to the Oscars to see Meryl Streep win Best Actress, Best Actress with Long Hair, and Best Actress in a Movie About Newspapers. It’s too much.

Jay-Z didn’t win any of the eight Grammys he was nominated for last night, but he did get a tweet from the president. Jay-Z was on “The Van Jones Show” Saturday night on CNN and I guess Trump didn’t like what he had to say, because he tweeted, “Somebody please inform Jay-Z that because of my policies black unemployment has just been reported to be at the lowest rate ever recorded.” I don’t know what policy he’s talking about. He didn’t even get a piece of major legislation passed until December, and black unemployment has been going down in pretty much a straight line since 2010. In other words, the credit for lower black unemployment ironically goes to an unemployed black guy.

Donald Trump is right now gearing up for his first State of the Union speech; it’s tomorrow night. State of the Union is the one day of the year presidents are supposed to brag about their accomplishments. So he’s been training for this really for his whole life.

They hand out tickets for this event, actual hard tickets. These are the tickets they handed out. You see right there, you’re invited to the address to the Congress on the State of the Uniom. So we’re already off to a good start.

If I’m not mistaken, the Uniom was the side that won the Civil Warm, isn’t that right? Is there nothing they can’t screw up? That’s because we’re REAL Americans, not some pansy-a** spellers.

A prominent former Trump staffer, Omarosa, has a new job. She will be joining the cast of “Celebrity Big Brother,” a.k.a. “Get Out 2.”

Insiders say she left the White House for “Big Brother” because she wanted a more stable work environment. This is historic, because Omarosa could become the first person ever eliminated from “The Apprentice,” the Trump administration, AND “Celebrity Big Brother.”

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Well, tomorrow is President Trump’s first State of the Union address. And you can tell he’s serious about it, because today he hopped on his computer and Googled “how to do State of the Union address.”

Of course, Trump’s been practicing his speech ahead of time. While Mike Pence and Paul Ryan are practicing their “I’m horrified but I can’t show it” face.

I heard that Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg will not be at the State of the Union, because of a previous commitment. When asked what she had to do, she said, “Oh, I just don’t want to be there.”

Some big news about the Russia investigation. It came out that Trump ordered the firing of Robert Mueller last summer. Even weirder, he ordered it through a McDonald’s drive-thru. “I want two Big Macs, a Diet Coke, and the termination of Robert Mueller.”

But Trump’s lawyer allegedly told him that if he fired Robert Mueller, it would have a catastrophic effect on his presidency. Then after a long pause, the lawyer said, “That means ‘bad,’ Mr. President.” [imitates Trump] “Oh, I’m sorry – I thought you meant we were going to be invaded by cat people.”

As if that’s not enough, Trump’s in another Twitter fight. This time he’s feuding with Jay-Z. But on the bright side, it’s nice to see the president having beef that’s not between two buns.

Trump tweeted that someone should tell Jay-Z that black unemployment is at its lowest rate ever under his presidency. But after all the Cabinet members he’s fired, WHITE unemployment is at an all-time high. Very interesting.

The Cleveland Indians announced that they will no longer use Chief Wahoo as their logo beginning in 2019. They admitted that the logo is extremely offensive, so they’re only gonna wear it for 162 more games.

Today is Oprah’s birthday! Democrats got her a nice gift – an all-expenses-paid trip to Michigan, Ohio, Wisconsin, and Pennsylvania.

I saw that 83-year-old Republican Sen. Orrin Hatch was at the Grammys last night. Midway through, he turned to the person next to him and said, “This is the craziest State of the Union I’ve ever been to.”

Sat, 02/10/2018

Joke Day: #4135

From: 01/30/18
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 10

The Late Late Show with James Corden

Earlier tonight was President Trump's first State of the Union address. But there was a slight hitch leading up to it. Take a look at how they spelled State of the Union on the official tickets: State of the "Uniom." This is how divided the union is right now: We can't even agree on the correct spelling of union.

The State of the Union ran on all the major networks, but it was also live-streamed on Donald Trump's campaign website. And this is true: Anyone who donated at least one dollar to Trump's re-election got to see their names flash up on the screen during the speech. What a deal! It only cost one dollar to have Donald Trump misspell your name.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

Stephen Colbert: There were some bright spots in [Trump's State of the Union] speech. There were really some heartwarming moments. Some amazing people were there in the gallery. Congressman Steve Scalise, who survived an attack on that softball field. A police officer who saved the baby, a young boy who's putting flags on soldiers' graves, the families who have gone through unspeakable tragedies. Honestly, some of the most beautiful, most impressive Americans you could imagine. And the president was there, too.

Here's one unusual thing we found out right before the speech – the first lady traveled to the speech in a separate car. I guess Melania didn't want anything from the Burger King drive-through.

At the beginning of the speech, he listed some of the natural disasters we've endured this year. [clip of Trump] "We have endured floods and fires and storms." And Stormys! Don't forget her! She was one of the most expensive disasters for you, personally.

"To everyone still recovering in Texas, Florida, Louisiana, Puerto Rico, and the Virgin Islands – everywhere — we are with you, we love you, and we always will pull through together, always." That is going to be a comforting message to the people of Puerto Rico, once they have electricity to turn on their TVs.

And he followed up on that: "If there is a mountain, we climb it. If there is a frontier, we cross it. If there is a challenge, we tame it. If there is an opportunity, we seize it." And if there's a burger, we eat it. If there's an immigrant, we deport it. If there's an investigation, we undermine it.

Sun, 02/11/2018

Joke Day: #4136

From: 01/30/18
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 11

Conan O'Brien

President Trump gave his State of the Union address, and as per tradition, someone who opposes the president gave the rebuttal. So, this year's rebuttal was given by Melania.

President Trump's approval rating is above 50 percent in just a handful of states. Those states include Georgia, Mississippi, and Denial.

Trump said he now supports a plan for young immigrants to become citizens. When asked why, Trump said, "Because I may have to look for a new wife soon."

In other White House news, a recent article revealed that Melania Trump was blindsided by the story about her husband having an affair with a porn star and that she is "furious." In fact, she was so upset, Melania chose to stay home instead of accompanying her husband to the World Economic Forum last week. Which had to be tough, because I think we all know how much Melania loves world economic forums.

I don't know if I believe this article. They said Melania was furious. How can you tell? She always looks furious.

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Tonight was President Trump's first State of the Union. And I saw that Trump read his speech off a teleprompter. You could tell because he began by saying, "Applause, good evening, applause."

To make sure he stayed on track, his staff had a little Mickey Mouse head bounce over the words like a sing-along song.

But experts said it was a very historic State of the Union. You know, because it marked the first time since taking office that Trump went a full hour without tweeting.

I guess most of Trump's State of the Union address was written by his adviser, Stephen Miller. While the rest of Trump's presidency was written by Stephen King.

Tickets to the State of the Union had to be reprinted after they originally said State of the "Uniom." Even the guy who sent out that false missile alert in Hawaii was like, "How do you mess that up?"

That's not all. There was actually a message from Trump on the back of the ticket as well. Take a look. It said, "I, Donald J. Turnip, invite you to my Stape of the Onion. This will be my first hairdress to Congested, and I'll be speeching on miny imported topix, witch I'll read off a telescope. I appreesheate yer serpent."

After Trump's speech, Massachusetts Congressman Joe Kennedy became one of the youngest people to give the Democratic response. And you could tell he was young when all he said was, "He cray."

Today Amazon announced it's creating its own healthcare company. That's kind of awkward getting healthcare from Amazon. Especially when a drone flies over your house and says "Viagra for Bob. Viagra for Bob."

Late Night With Seth Meyers

President Trump's State of the Union address was available to stream live. So, congrats to Logan Paul on no longer being worst thing on YouTube!

It was announced yesterday that Tom Hanks will play Mr. Rogers in a new biopic titled “You Are My Friend." And about half the men in Hollywood have already been playing Mr. McFeely.

It was reported this week that the Department of Education will launch a pilot program that puts students' federal aid money onto debit cards, so officials can monitor how students spend excess money from loans. Though if you really wanna know how they spend it, just go to a dorm and inhale.

Mon, 02/12/2018

Joke Day: #4137

From: 01/31/18
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 12

Late Night With Seth Meyers

President Trump gave his first State of the Union address last night. The speech was interrupted 115 times by applause and once by the pizza guy.

President Trump gave his first State of the Union address last night. And I have to say, he did "all white." [shows photo of audience] I haven't seen old white guys that happy since the last Tom Clancy book signing.

President Trump gave his State of the Union address last night and Bernie Sanders hasn't looked this unhappy since, uh... since the last time we saw Bernie Sanders.

After the State of the Union, President Trump was caught on a hot mic yesterday saying he plans to release a controversial memo about FBI surveillance. Incidentally, Hot Mic is something this man [photo of Mike Pence] has never been called.

Following the State of the Union address last night, Eric Trump said in a new interview that he was focused on the Democrats during the event. As opposed to Melania, who was focused, as always, on an imaginary spot 1,000 yards away.

In a new interview, White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders said that House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi should "smile a lot more often" – and that Sen. Ted Cruz should smile never.

Police in Philadelphia have announced they will not grease light poles ahead of the Super Bowl because the grease did not deter people from climbing poles following the NFC championship game. In fact, all it did was made them impossible to arrest.

The Late Late Show with James Corden

Did you watch the State of the Union address last night? During his speech, Trump called for unity. He said, "Tonight I call upon all of us to set aside our differences to seek out common ground." And when he finds that common ground, he plans to build a wall across it that goes all the way to the Pacific Ocean.

The Republicans were loving what they were hearing. There were so many old white people giving standing ovations I thought I was watching a Jimmy Buffett concert, honestly.

After Trump's address, the Democratic rebuttal was given by Congressman Joe Kennedy. And this is how out of touch they are in the Democratic Party. They are like, "People are tired of the same old politicians. We need to give them someone new. Here's a Kennedy."

Kennedy gave his speech live from a high school shop class with a Mustang behind him with the hood open, because nothing says you are going to get this economy rolling like the visual of a broken-down car.

More news of corruption in the Trump administration. The director for the Centers for Disease Control, which overseas regulation of cigarettes, resigned on Wednesday after it was revealed that she owns stock in a tobacco company. When reporters asked her why she thought it was OK to use her position for financial gain, she replied that she knows it's bad, she's just really trying to quit, she only does it a couple of times a day.

This is the head of a public health agency making money from tobacco addiction. That would be like if the national security adviser was working for the Russians. Oh no, wait. That did happen. That's a bad example. It would be more like putting a climate change denier in charge of the environmental protection agency – oh no, that happened, too.

United Airlines prevented a woman from boarding her flight out of Newark, New Jersey, because she tried to board with an emotional-support pet, which was her peacock. They were all set to let both of them on, but then they caught the peacock with over three and a half ounces of shampoo.

It got even more awkward when the woman was like, "That's not a peacock, that's my friend Lady Gaga."

But this was a devastating blow to the peacock's confidence, it really was. They had to stop on the way home and get the peacock an emotional support peacock.

A flight from Norway to Germany that was carrying 84 plumbers to a work conference had to turn back because, get this, the plane's toilet wasn't working. The only way this could be more ironic is if the plane had 84 plumbers and Alanis Morissette.

Tue, 02/13/2018

Joke Day: #4138

From: 01/31/18
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 13

Conan O'Brien

In his speech last night, President Trump said, let us "set aside our differences and seek common ground." Trump said this because like any good speaker, he always opens with a joke.

In last night's speech, President Trump reportedly didn't stray from the teleprompter once. Friends are saying it's the longest Donald Trump has stayed faithful to anything.

Google has a new service called "Flights" that is now able to predict flight delays. How it works is, if you're flying United, your flight's delayed.

California is looking into creating a state bank for the legal marijuana industry. They're gonna call it the California Bank of Dank Stank.

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Last night was President Trump's first State of the Union address. Some people watched it on NBC. Some people watched it on CNN. While most people watched it on mute.

Trump's speech fell nine minutes short of breaking President Clinton's record for the longest State of the Union. And when he heard that, Trump grabbed the mic and spent 10 minutes reading the iTunes user agreement.

He also said America is a nation of builders, and that we built the Empire State Building in just one year. Then he ruined it by congratulating Bob the Builder.

Trump announced that he signed an executive order to keep Guantanamo Bay open. Of course, Trump thinks Guantanamo Bay is a water park at Six Flags.

First lady Melania Trump held her own White House reception before the State of the Union. Yep, even the first lady was like, "I've got to drink before this thing."

Yesterday, a glitch kept sending iPhones the same CNN news alert repeatedly. But if I wanted to be annoyed by the same CNN news alert over and over, I'd just watch CNN for five minutes.

Wed, 02/14/2018

Joke Day: #4139

From: 02/01/18

Top of Page   Joke: 14

Conan O'Brien

Justin Timberlake says there will be no 'N Sync reunion during the Super Bowl. The Patriots are upset because now it means they’ll be the most hated guys on the field.

It’s come out that President Trump’s director of communications, Hope Hicks, may have partially obstructed justice. Trump said he’s furious with Hicks because he hired her to fully obstruct justice.

President Trump has decided not to take part in the traditional presidential Super Bowl interview. Apparently, Trump is worried he might not pass the NFL’s concussion protocol.

The preserved forearm of a 16th century saint is on a tour across Canada. And get this... tickets are still available!

Today is the first day of Black History Month, which is why President Trump gave a shout-out to his three favorite black people: Ben Carson, Omarosa, and Ben Carson.

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

We are just three days away from Super Bowl LII, which means that we’re just three days away from finding out whether Boston will be burned down by an angry mob or a happy mob.

Everyone’s excited. In fact, I saw that on StubHub, there’s a Super Bowl ticket listed at over $66,000. And the person who buys it will get to the stadium and say, “$10 for a beer? That’s crazy. Come on, man.”

Over on the Animal Planet, they’re holding their 14th annual Puppy Bowl. This year it will feature Team Ruff vs. Team Fluff. And if you’re curious which team is better, please visit www.gamblersanonymous.org.

Sunday is also the Kitten Bowl on the Hallmark Channel. It will feature the Little Long Tails going up against their rival, a red laser pointer.

Omarosa is going to be a cast member on “Celebrity Big Brother.” She said that after a year in the White House, she just wanted to be in a house without so much drama.

Some more news out of Washington. The government is spending $24 million to replace two refrigerators on Air Force One. Until then, they’re keeping perishables cold by putting them between Donald and Melania.

A man in Massachusetts went to claim a $10,000 lottery prize and found out that he misread the ticket and won $1 million. Later, his wife said, “Did you get the $10,000?” He was like, “Yes.”

Late Night With Seth Meyers

According to CNN, FBI Director Christopher Wray has made it clear that he’s frustrated that President Trump is not listening to his advice regarding a controversial memo claiming the FBI abused surveillance laws. You’re surprised Trump didn’t listen to advice? This is the same guy who heard about the eclipse, and told the sun to bring it.

President Trump yesterday praised Chicago Cubs co-owner Todd Ricketts’ appointment as the RNC’s new finance chairman, calling him a great addition. Yeah, great if you want to win one election every 108 years.

The Republican chair of the House Intelligence Committee, Devin Nunes, yesterday claimed the changes made to a controversial memo about the FBI before he sent it to the White House were minor grammatical edits. That’s right. He had to make the grammar worse so Trump could read it.

President Trump today said that Sen. Orrin Hatch called him the greatest president in the history of our country. I guess Hatch is still mad at Abraham Lincoln for stealing his girlfriend in middle school.

The Super Bowl is this Sunday between the New England Patriots, and the Philadelphia Eagles. The game will determine whether Philadelphia is burned to the ground by happy fans or sad fans.

The Late Late Show with James Corden

This morning President Trump bragged about his State of the Union address, tweeting, “Thank you for all of the nice compliments and reviews on the State of the Union speech, 45.6 million people watched, the highest number in history.” Now here’s the thing: What Trump tweeted isn’t even remotely true. I know, shocking, shocking!

In fact, Trump’s State of the Union was the least-watched first State of the Union in 25 years. Which is impressive — I mean, they’re all pretty unwatchable. It’s amazing, really.

But 45.6 million people did watch his State of the Union, which is nearly one person for every standing ovation the Republicans gave him throughout the speech.

In other White House news, during an interview on CNN yesterday, when asked about Nancy Pelosi’s frown during the State of the Union, White House press secretary Sarah Sanders said Pelosi “should smile a lot more often.” Snap! Is Sarah Sanders related to Colonel Sanders? Because she is salty as hell!

I am no fan of Sarah Sanders or the Trump administration, but isn’t part of the problem here that reporters are asking questions like mean girls? “Like, did you see Nancy Pelosi frowning during the speech? Oh my God, so do you guys, like, hate her, or like, hate her hate her?”

Sarah Sanders has a lot of nerve telling another woman to smile more when she herself literally has resting Grumpy Cat face [shows photo of Sanders alongside Grumpy Cat].

I’m sure you all know the Super Bowl is this Sunday, and President Trump has decided he won’t be taking part in a decade-old tradition of sitting down to do an interview before the big game. Which is fine with me. I can’t stand those casual football fans who only watch the Super Bowl for the presidential interviews.

But I think I know why Trump is staying away from this year’s Super Bowl between the Patriots and the Eagles. It is because he is afraid of eagles [plays clip of Trump dodging a bald eagle at his desk].

In other Super Bowl news, the Republican governor of South Carolina has issued a formal legal proclamation designating this Sunday as “Stand for the Flag Super Bowl Sunday,” encouraging people to stand for the national anthem wherever they are watching the game. Meanwhile, the mayor of Philadelphia issued a proclamation declaring Sunday “Scream at Your TV While the Patriots Win Another Super Bowl Day.”

Isn’t the Super Bowl already patriotic enough? The game is between the Eagles and the Patriots. The only way it could be more American is if they forced the Redskins out of their stadium and played it there.

Thu, 02/15/2018

Joke Day: #4140

From: 02/05/18
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 15

The Late Late Show with James Corden

We want to congratulate the Philadelphia Eagles for beating the Patriots last night to win their first Super Bowl championship ever. Now, usually the president will call and congratulate the winners. But breaking with tradition, President Trump actually called the Patriots after the game and just mocked them for being losers.

Tom Brady's fourth quarter fumble secured the Eagles win and honestly, I feel for him, I do. I don't know how Brady is going to live with himself, his five Super Bowl rings, his supermodel wife Gisele — actually, I think he's going to be fine.

Did you see they partied hard in the streets of Philly last night? Everyone in Philadelphia was a winner last night. They really were, unless your car was parked at the intersection of Broad Street and Chestnut. Then today you were riding the bus because your car is still on fire.

Speaker of the House Paul Ryan is being called out of touch and is facing some backlash after bragging about the Republican tax plan. He tweeted about a Pennsylvania high school secretary saying she was pleasantly surprised when her pay went up $1.50 a week. I guess Trump promised real change. And the Republicans delivered in the form of five quarters, two dimes, and a nickel.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

Remember when Donald Trump told us we would be tired of winning? Well, evidently the stock market is exhausted. Because after losing 666 points on Friday, Monday it said, "Hold my beer," and today posted the greatest single same-day drop in the stock market history: 1,600 points.

By the end, the Dow closed almost 1,200 points down, erasing its gains for the entire year. The stock market is just like the rest of us: It spent January working on improving itself, then in February said [bleep] it.

This afternoon Trump was in Cincinnati, where he spoke to factory workers about how great the economy's doing. And, when he STARTED, that was still true.

It was an especially awkward moment, because Trump was in town to tout the benefits of the Republican tax plan. And he knows exactly who deserves all the credit for the booming economy [clip of Trump]: "You know, you can work hard, but if you don't have the right leader setting the right tone, in all fairness — I am not even saying — I am NON-braggadocious.” [imitates Trump]: I do the most least amount of bragging anyone has ever seen. I have record-breaking humility.

Paul Ryan was instrumental in getting the Republican tax cut passed last year, and on Saturday he was in a bragging mood, tweeting, "A secretary at a public high school in Lancaster, Pennsylvania, said she was pleasantly surprised her pay went up $1.50 a week. She said that will more than cover her Costco membership for the year." Cool! Now she's just one historic tax cut away from a bus pass!

He got a little razzing for this tweet, so he pulled it. But he didn't pull this one: "These @TaxReform ‘crumbs’ are really starting to add up. After the tax overhaul, Hostess employees will (literally) get a sweet treat." Because "once a week, employees will be able to take home a multipack of the 'product of the week.'" That's good news, summed up by middle-class hero Marie Antoinette, who famously declared, "Let them eat Ding Dongs."

It's interesting that Paul Ryan would boast about someone making an extra buck-fifty a week, seeing as how others are bringing home significantly more bacon. For example, "Just 13 days after the tax law was passed, the Koch family donated nearly $500,000 to Ryan's fundraising committee." Oh, I would like to kick him in the ding dongs!

Fri, 02/16/2018

Joke Day: #4141

From: 02/05/18
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 16

Conan O'Brien

The New England Patriots were beaten by the Philadelphia Eagles 41-33. Eagles fans started fires and punched police horses, then they sat down to watch the Super Bowl.

During Super Bowl celebrations in Philadelphia yesterday, an Eagles fan got so carried away, he ate horse poop right off the street. In his defense, the man thought it was dog poop.

Some of the Super Bowl commercials are causing controversy. A lot of people are mad about a Ram truck ad that used the words of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. People were particularly suspicious of the part where Dr. King says, "Civil rights are RAM-tastic!"

Jimmy Kimmel Live

As you know, this is the day after the Super Bowl. The day after the Super Bowl should be a national holiday. They should swap Presidents Day out for Super Bowl Monday. The fact that we have to work the morning after being required as Americans to watch a game — drunk, no less — is downright unpatriotic. And I'm calling on President Trump to do something about it right now.

But what a game! The Eagles won their first Super Bowl ever, toppling Tom Brady and the New England Patriots. They said Tom Brady was so distraught after the game, he chugged a quart of almond milk and ate half a grape.

As is always the case, there's a lot of focus on the commercials at the Super Bowl. I learned a lot from the commercials yesterday. For instance, I had no idea Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. had a dream to sell light duty trucks.

A lot of people were upset last night that at the voice of Dr. King was used to sell trucks. Mattresses, yes. You can buy a Serta perfect sleeper on MLK Day, no problem at all every year. But Dodge Ram trucks, no. They say it was the most polarizing Super Bowl ad since the Men’s Wearhouse “buy one get one free at last” deal back in 1998.

But luckily for Dodge, they got cover from Doritos today. Doritos is said to be working on a female-friendly tortilla chip, for real. The Doritos lady chips, they say, make less noise when you eat them and the package will be smaller so it can fit in a purse. It took years of research but they finally cracked the code on how to make a Dorito condescending to women. I hope they call them Doritas.

As I mentioned, people are mad about this. Why? I have no idea. Making Doritos for people with smaller hands that you can eat quietly, like in bed or something, it's not sexist. In fact, I don't even think they're making these Doritos for women. I think they're making them for the president and his little... you know.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

The Philadelphia Eagles won the Super Bowl last night, defeating the New England Patriots 41-33. Philadelphia then went on to defeat Philadelphia.

Dozens of Eagles fans were seen stage-diving off the awning of the Philadelphia Ritz-Carlton after last night's Super Bowl win. But don't worry, they died.

Dodge is being criticized on social media for using a Martin Luther King Jr. sermon as a voiceover. Even worse, Snickers made an ad with Gandhi.

President Trump today criticized the top Democrat on the House Intelligence Committee, tweeting, quote, "Little Adam Schiff, who is desperate to run for higher office, is one of the biggest liars and leakers in Washington." Meanwhile, eighth-grader Jessica tweeted, "It is time to come together on bipartisan immigration reform."

President Trump and Melania traveled to Cincinnati today. Said Melania, "Of COURSE, they seat me next to a crying baby."

Doritos is reportedly looking into launching a so-called lady-friendly chip that doesn’t crunch as loudly. Because there’s no more appropriate snack for the #MeToo era than a chip that tells women to be quiet.

Sat, 02/17/2018

Joke Day: #4142

From: 02/06/18
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 17

Late Night With Seth Meyers

President Trump yesterday praised the Republican tax bill on Twitter, saying, quote, “America is once again open for business!” And the rest of the world said, “Cool. Can we speak to your manager?”

According to reports, President Trump will release his $1.5 trillion infrastructure plan on Monday. Apparently, he wants to take the weekend to practice saying “infrastructure.”

An Illinois high school teacher has come under fire after he included equations about cocaine and getting high in a homework assignment. Even scarier for the parents, all their kids got A’s.

Over 3 million people watched Animal Planet’s “Puppy Bowl” this Sunday. Followed by the tragic season finale of “This Is Pups.”

The Late Late Show with James Corden

According to a recent article, President Trump’s lawyers want him to skip an interview with the head of the Russia investigation because they're afraid he'll lie under oath. Here's my question: Why wouldn't his lawyers just tell him to plead insanity? Everyone in the world would be like, "Yep, he's nuts."

If his lawyers really wanted him NOT do it, then just tell him to do it! Trump is like a child — if you tell him not to do something, it only makes him want to do it more. You know? "Donald! Don't you touch that interview! Donald? No! Donald!"

If Trump refuses the interview, Robert Mueller could subpoena him to testify before a grand jury. Which would be OK with Trump, provided it was the grandest jury, the most luxurious jury of all the juries.

After President Trump called Democrats "un-American" for not applauding him during the State of the Union speech, Democratic Sen. Tammy Duckworth tweeted at Trump about using his alleged bone spurs to get out of Vietnam. She tweeted, "I swore an oath to defend the Constitution... not to mindlessly cater to the whims of Cadet Bone Spurs." Which means now Trump is suffering from bone spurs AND third-degree burns.

I know that Trump started it, but is this where this country is right now? Politicians just calling each other names? Pretty soon pundits are going to be on cable news saying, "I thought the president made a good point when he said, 'I know you are, but what am I?'"

It was reported today that the country’s biggest electronics store, Best Buy, will stop selling CDs as of July 1. Now where will people go to NOT pay for music?

No CDs starting July 1, so mark your calendars, kids. In five months, you’re finally going to have to explain Spotify to your parents.

Elon Musk's company SpaceX is pretty amazing. They've successfully launched the world's most powerful rocket into space headed towards Mars. The rocket is named Falcon Heavy, although it prefers to be called Falcon Hey I'm Just Big-Boned.

A Girl Scout in San Diego sold 300 boxes of Girl Scout cookies in six hours after she set up shop in front of a weed dispensary. Genius! Even Elon Musk is like, “That’s pretty brilliant."

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

According to sources at the White House, Donald Trump's lawyers are telling him to refuse an interview with Robert Mueller “because the president, who has a history of making false statements and contradicting himself, could be charged with lying to investigators.” It is a crack legal analysis from the law firm of No, S**t & Sherlock.

I know President Trump watches this show — because it’s on TV — so right now, I've got a special message for him: “Mr. President, ignore your lawyers. You follow your instincts and you sit down with Robert Mueller. Otherwise, everyone's going to think you're scared, but we know you're not.” Oh! Your fried chicken has arrived [picks up KFC bucket]. Wait, it's empty. Where is — oh, I think I know where the chicken is [flaps elbows and clucks]. Bawk, bawk, bawk. Bawk, bawk, bawk.

We're still dealing with the fallout of the infamous Republican memo written by House Intelligence Committee chair Devin Nunes. Republicans hyped this dud for weeks, and the central argument of the memo is that the FBI was biased when they got a warrant to wiretap former Trump adviser Carter Page. Nunes says the FBI relied exclusively on the Steele dossier and never disclosed to the judge that the dossier was paid for by Trump's political opponents. Now, if true, that's a pretty damning charge. Spoiler alert: Not true. Turns out, the partisan nature of the dossier was mentioned in a footnote. Now, Nunes should learn how footnotes work. He's about to become one in history.

Sun, 02/18/2018

Joke Day: #4143

From: 02/06/18
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 18

Conan O'Brien

Officials at the Winter Olympics have stocked the Olympic Village with over 100,000 condoms. In other words, it sounds like Bob Costas will be there.

After decades of bitter fighting, North Korea and South Korea will march together in the Winter Olympics. Even more unbelievable, yesterday Melania Trump went to Ohio with her husband.

It has come out that Patriots fans turned to porn immediately after the Super Bowl. Well, ladies and gentlemen, as a Patriots fan, I’d just like to say that I, for one, waited for my guests to leave.

In San Diego, a Girl Scout is in trouble for selling cookies outside a legal weed dispensary. However, the girl isn’t worried, because she is now worth $200 million.

The Mexican-American judge that Donald Trump insulted may hear a case about his border wall. It’s the landmark case of Donald Trump vs. Payback’s a B***h.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

I read today Best Buy and Target are planning to stop selling CDs in their stores. To which I say: Best Buy and Target are still selling CDs?

For those too young to remember, CDs were these shiny discs that would get scratched almost immediately and would sit in a binder of the back seat of the car until you sold the car.

Did you hear what happened to Rob Gronkowski, the tight end for the New England Patriots? The Patriots lost the Super Bowl on Sunday and to make it worse, while Gronkowski was on the field someone broke into his house and literally robbed Gronkowski. Which is terrible, but also kind of smart; they knew he wasn't home because he was playing. They were probably watching him on the TV they were stealing.

That’s not fair, they should be charged with burglary AND unsportsmanlike conduct.

Robbed during the Super Bowl. See, this is why I leave all my valuables in Cleveland with the Browns. Never a worry that they will be away for the game.

President Trump's legal team is now reportedly trying to put the brakes on a looming interview with special counsel Robert Mueller. According to the failing New York Times, Trump's lawyers are worried he could be lying too much to investigators, and they base this concern on... everything he's ever said and done over the course of his life.

Donald Trump is like the bus from "Speed" — if he doesn't tell 60 lies an hour he blows up. Fried chicken and cheeseburgers go everywhere.

If you’re Donald Trump’s lawyer, are you more worried about him lying or about him telling the truth? Because it’s kind of lose-lose, if you think about it.

In South Korea, the Winter Olympics start Thursday. Vice President Mike Pence will be there for opening ceremonies but is leaving after that so he doesn't have to see the biathlon — he believes that athlons should be between one man and one woman.

The president's daughter Ivanka Trump is also headed to Pyeongchang to lead the presidential delegation at the closing ceremony. Choosing Mike Pence and Ivanka Trump to represent the United States wasn't easy. They actually had a meeting to figure out who are the least necessary people in the White House. There was a lot of competition but Mike and Ivanka won out, and they're going.

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

People are still excited about the Philadelphia Eagles winning their first Super Bowl! And did you know this? I read that Eagles coach Doug Pederson was coaching high school football just 10 years ago. Which sounds crazy, until you remember that just FIVE years ago, our president was firing Clay Aiken from a TV show.

The celebration got crazy back in Philly. People knocked over lamp posts, overturned a car, ran around naked, set things on fire — and that was just the mayor.

Paul Ryan posted a tweet where he bragged about how the GOP tax bill helped a woman earn an extra $1.50 a week. He would’ve gotten a lot of angry letters, but nobody wanted to spend their entire bonus on a stamp.

Over the weekend “Lady Doritos” was trending. There were reports that Doritos was launching a “lady-friendly” chip that is quieter and not as orange. And if that goes well, they’re gonna try to do the same thing with the president.

Mon, 02/19/2018

Joke Day: #4144

From: 02/12/18

Top of Page   Joke: 19

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Today is an important day in American history. Today is Abraham Lincoln’s birthday. Abraham Lincoln was born 209 years ago. Of course, he was tragically assassinated at Ford’s Theater in Washington by a member of MS-13 … I read that on the White House website. Is that not right?

Lincoln was known as honest, the great emancipator, the rail splitter, tight coop … he had a lot of nicknames … he was like the Diddy of 1863. Even had his own vodka.

On Friday night there was a cyber-attack in Pyeongchang. Someone attacked the official Olympic website and took out Wi-Fi in the stadium during the opening ceremonies, which was devastating. Thousands of people had to wait until they got back to their hotels to post to Instagram.

But the real story of the Olympics surprisingly aren't athletes. The stars of the Olympics so far are the cheerleaders from North Korea. Have you seen these North Korean cheerleaders? Kim Jong Un sent a team of more than 200 women to cheer on the North Korean athletes and it doesn't seem like they know what they're cheering. The North Korean women lost to Switzerland in hockey 8-0. They cheered the Zamboni machine when it came out.

Really. These women are cheering like their lives depend on it. Because they do. They literally do.

Tue, 02/20/2018

Joke Day: #4145

From: 02/13/18

Top of Page   Joke: 20

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Valentine’s Day is tomorrow. For those who haven’t stopped at CVS to buy a gift on the way home from work yet, quick reminder, no grown woman wants a stuffed animal.

I have a theory. Valentine’s Day was made up by the greeting card companies to trick you into telling your wife you love her.

The worst part of Valentine’s Day is when you call to order flowers and you order the flowers and the guy on the other end of the phone says, “What would you like your card to say?” You should say something romantic or poetic but in order to do that you have to dictate it to a stranger.

Which is not comfortable. I mean, “Dear Kathy, I love you. You mean the world to me. Happy Valentine’s Day. Love, Snookie Bear.” It’s a violation is what it is! See, these are the jobs we need robots to take from us.

The White House is releasing their own line of cards this year. Have you heard about this? That’s because we made it up. Funny, we’re at the point where anything is believable.

Here are some of the cards they’re offering. It’s best-seller comes from President Trump. It says, “I flip for you.”

Donald Trump Jr.: “I’ll be thinking of you from prison” or “I love you like daddy loves Jared.”

Jared has a card that says, “You make my cold dead stare come alive.”

Melania has a good card: “Whatever Michelle Obama said last Valentine’s Day.”

Mitch McConnell: “I’m gonna move on you like a Mitch.”

And finally, Trump’s Valentine, good old Vladimir Putin: “I can inject you into my Olympic team because you are dope!”

Wed, 02/21/2018

Joke Day: #4146

From: 02/15/18

Top of Page   Joke: 21

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Another escapee from President Trump penitentiary is making the rounds, Reince Priebus. You might remember Reince Priebus as the man nobody remembers, the former White House Chief of Staff.

He's quoted in a forthcoming about White House chiefs of staff. He said for all the stories about how chaotic everything is, take everything you've heard and multiply it by 50. My god, how many porn stars did this president sleep with?

If you multiply by it by 50, that means we are 5,000% screwed.

Priebus said he was slightly embarrassed about his short tenure at the White House. Slightly? What would have to happen for him to be really embarrassed?

Vice President Pence is shedding light on what he did and did not do when he was seated by North Korean leader Kim Jong-Un's sister during the opening ceremony.

Pence explained he didn't avoid her, he ignored her. Like he does all women.

We have a picture of the Vice president and his wife with Kim Yo Jong between them. You could cut the sexual tension with an intermediate-range ballistic missile here.

But North Koreans haven't been allowed to see much of the sport because -- possibly because they haven't been doing well, they have no medals. The footage they do get to see is heavily edited.

Thu, 02/22/2018

Joke Day: #4147

From: 02/20/18

Top of Page   Joke: 22

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Trump basically went on a rampage this weekend. Ran his Twitter mobile off a cliff. He had a multiday rager during which he insulted everyone from a senator to Obama to the FBI to Oprah.

Trump also tweeted Russia is laughing their asses off at us. Which is true. They have been laughing their asses off since November 2016. They have been laughing so hard they have no asses left.

Trump awarded medal of valor to a North Carolina Deputy Sheriff who pulled a man out of a burning car. Now, this is a lay-up. I mean, nothing controversial here. All the president has to do is put that medal around this gentleman's neck.

No problem, right? I mean, what could be easier than, oh. I believe that's called a metaphor. Clearly he has never helped Melania with a necklace before. And yet that was still his most successful act as president this month.

Fri, 02/23/2018

Joke Day: #4148

From: 02/21/18

Top of Page   Joke: 23

The Late Late Show with James Corden

This morning, Donald Trump went on Twitter to call out his own attorney general Jeff Sessions tweeting. "Question: If all the Russian meddling took place during the Obama administration, why didn't Obama do something about the meddling? Why aren't DEM crimes under investigation? Ask Jeff session!" There's a few things wrong with this tweet. For starters, why is Trump telling us to ask Jeff Sessions all of these questions? Trump is his boss!

Mr. President, you know that thing you use to send the tweets? You can also use it to call Jeff Sessions and ask him yourself.

This is where it really gets stupid. He didn’t even spell Jeff Sessions name right.

In other Trump news, according to a New York Times survey of political scientists across both parties, Donald Trump has been rated America’s worst president ever. I had a sneaking suspicion. It’s pretty incredible because it’s the first time Trump has won a popular vote.

In technology news, the organization that oversees emoji’s has changed the lobster emoji after people in Maine complained that it didn't have the correct number of legs!

Now every time I text someone about lobsters I don't have to type the word "Lobster emoji plus two extra legs." It's a lifesaver.

When they heard about this, lobsters were like "Thanks for fixing the emoji but while you're at it, can you stop boiling us?"

Sat, 02/24/2018

Joke Day: #4149

From: 02/22/18

Top of Page   Joke: 24

Seth Meyers A Closer Look - Military Parade, Rob Porter

Sun, 02/25/2018

Joke Day: #4150

From: 02/05/18

Top of Page   Joke: 25

Seth Meyers A Closer Look - Nunes Memo