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Joke of the Day

Day # Range: 4101 - 4125

Date Range: 01/06/18 ~ 01/22/18

Sat, 01/06/2018

Joke Day: #4101

01/06/18 - Daily Show: Bannon/Trump

Top of Page   Joke: 01

01/06/18 - Daily Show: Bannon/Trump

Sun, 01/07/2018

Joke Day: #4102

From: 01/07/18 - Closer Look: President Bannon

Top of Page   Joke: 02

From: 01/07/18 - Closer Look

Mon, 01/08/2018

Joke Day: #4103

From: 01/08/18 - Closer Look: GOP Praise Trump

Top of Page   Joke: 03

Tue, 01/09/2018

Joke Day: #4104

From: 01/09/18 - Closer Look: Roy Moore

Top of Page   Joke: 04

Wed, 01/10/2018

Joke Day: #4105

From: 01/10/18 - Closer Look: Tax Plan

Top of Page   Joke: 05

Thu, 01/11/2018

Joke Day: #4106

From: 01/11/18 - Daily Show: the Book

Top of Page   Joke: 06

Fri, 01/12/2018

Joke Day: #4107

From: 01/12/18 - SC: Juicy Book

Top of Page   Joke: 07

Sat, 01/13/2018

Joke Day: #4108

From: 01/13/18 - SC: Never Planned

Top of Page   Joke: 08

Sun, 01/14/2018

Joke Day: #4109

From: 01/14/18 - Daily Show: Stable Genius

Top of Page   Joke: 09

Mon, 01/15/2018

Joke Day: #4110

From: 01/15/18 - BBC: Trump forget national anthem?

Top of Page   Joke: 10

Tue, 01/16/2018

Joke Day: #4111

From: 01/08/18

Top of Page   Joke: 11

Jimmy Kimmel Live

The stars gathered in Los Angeles for the Golden Globes. Oprah Winfrey delivered a speech so powerful that all day long people have been asking if Oprah will run for president — which at this point, wouldn’t president be a demotion for Oprah?

Now that we have Donald Trump, everything seems possible.

Reporters asked the White House today for their response to a potential Oprah candidacy. Team Trump said, we welcome the challenge whether it be Oprah Winfrey or anybody else. Preferably not anybody else.

I mean, with Trump’s approval rating right now, I don’t think he could beat Maury Povich for president, never mind Oprah!

But the president was supposed to host his own awards show tonight, the fake news awards that he announced would be presented tonight at 5 o’clock. They’ve been postponed until next Wednesday, which is — you know, postponing his own awards show is an odd and out of character move for a man who consistently delivers his promises in a very timely fashion.

I guess it’s because he had to be in Atlanta tonight for the college football national championship game. The Georgia Bulldogs are playing the Alabama Crimson Tide. Trump was rooting for Alabama, for the Crimson Tide, because that’s what he calls his face.

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Hey, I want to wish everyone a happy 2018! A lot of people are making New Year’s resolutions. Some people are losing weight — while the president’s losing his mind.

After his mental health was questioned in a new book, President Trump went on Twitter and said that he’s a “very stable genius.” Trump says it was an accident — he was trying to edit his OkCupid bio.

Yeah, Trump tweeted that he’s a “genius.” Then he said, “In fact, that’s what the J in Donald J. Trump stands for, Donald Genius Trump.”

This all started with a new book about the White House, called “Fire and Fury.” At first Trump didn’t care, cuz he thought “Fire and Fury” was just a new flavor of Doritos.

There’s a lot of weird stuff in there. For instance, it says Trump insists on stripping his own sheets. He said one maid did such a bad job making his bed, you could barely tell it was a race car.

But this wasn’t a huge surprise. The book says that Donald and Melania have separate bedrooms. Yeah, Trump sleeps in the White House’s master bedroom, while Melania sleeps in New York City.

Over the weekend, Eric Trump celebrated his 34th birthday at a Mexican restaurant, and he and Don Jr. wore sombreros. Which backfired when their dad had them deported. “Get ’em out!”

The Golden Globes were last night! Everybody’s talking about the big speech Oprah made — and a lot of people say she should run for president. But it’ll be weird at her State of the Union, when Congress keeps checking under their seats for a free car. “YOU GET A CAR AND YOU GET A CAR!”

But this could be a big story. In fact, two of Oprah’s close friends say that she’s thinking about running in 2020. While two of Trump’s close friends said, “Please don’t refer to us as Trump’s close friends.”

The Late Late Show with James Corden

This is our first show of the New Year after the holidays. We’re very happy to be back. We actually would have come back last week but marijuana was just legalized here in California so, you know.

Everybody is still buzzing about Oprah Winfrey’s incredible speech. And now after such an incredible speech, people close to Oprah are saying that she could actually be convinced to run for president in 2020. Don’t get too excited. Oprah hasn’t said that she decided to make a run for the White House or anything. She said she’s not sure she wants to move into a smaller place.

Can you imagine Oprah as president? Can you imagine? You thought Bernie Sanders wanted to give a lot of stuff away. “You get health insurance. You get health insurance. You don’t get deported. You don’t get deported. You won’t get deported.”

But after the reaction last night, Republicans were outraged when they heard about this. They were like you cannot just elect a billionaire TV star with no political experience . . .

The White House officially responded to the news that Oprah might run saying, “We welcome all comers.” Yeah, which is very easy to remember, cuz it’s the exact opposite of their immigration policy.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

Anybody see last night’s episode of Oprah? Now, some people are calling it the Golden Globes. It was easily one of the most powerful, moving, meaningful nights of beautiful millionaires giving each other trophies. And Oprah gave a speech that was moving, even for Oprah.

People were immediately calling the speech presidential. And a year ago, I would have agreed. But these days it plays a little coherent.

Now, Oprah’s denying any political ambitions, but two of her close friends told CNN she is “actively thinking” about running for president. That’s interesting. I would love to hear that the State of the Union is “Stro-ong! Whoo!”

But a note of caution: Do we really want to elect another billionaire TV star? Granted, this one is actually a billionaire and actually a TV star.

That said, one of the things that inspires me most about Oprah is that I believe she’s reasonable enough to consider the possibility that being a billionaire TV star doesn’t necessarily qualify you to have the launch codes. Then again, if we did go toe to toe with North Korea, I bet she could calm Kim Jong-un down just by helping him lose weight.

It’s a point system. It’s all points, right? You can eat anything you want! I love pasta! I love kimchi, I love all of it!

Wed, 01/17/2018

Joke Day: #4112

From: 01/09/18
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 12

The Late Late Show with James Corden

There was breaking news this afternoon. President Trump's former chief strategist Steve Bannon, who — don't even need a punch line. Just say his name. That's it! Goodnight!

In August, Bannon was forced to step down from his job at the White House and has now also been forced out as the head of Breitbart News. The craziest part of this story is, Steve Bannon is a powerful old white guy who has lost not one but two jobs in the last six months, and neither of them was for sexual harassment.

The College Football National Championship game was last night. And President Donald Trump made an appearance. Now, after months of criticizing football players for taking knees, the president finally got the chance to stand for the national anthem. But some people noticed that Trump may not know all the words. [shows clip of Trump appearing to fumble the lyrics] He looks like a guy who just jumped on stage at a karaoke bar to sing "Despacito," and then suddenly remembered he can't speak Spanish.

In Trump's defense, it's hard to sing a song while you're also trying to compose tweets in your head.

Two major Apple investors wrote an open letter to the company pressuring it to study the addictive effects of iPhones and iPads on children. This seems a little bit late; addressing this problem now is like your drug dealer telling you, "Hey, man, be careful with that. It's not good for you. I'll see you Monday."

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

Congratulations to the Alabama Crimson Tide, who, last night, beat the Georgia Bulldogs to win the college football championship. It's the best thing to happen to Alabama since not electing Roy Moore. Good for you! That's two in a row!

Today, President Trump held a bipartisan meeting on immigration reform, focused mainly on reforming our policy of having immigrants.

The stakes are high. If the two sides can’t find a compromise the federal government is going to shut down on January 20, or as historians call it: one year too late.

They had the meeting this afternoon and they did it in kind of an exceptional way. Hadn't seen this before. They held an open meeting and let cameras in for the negotiations. They don't even let cameras into "The Bachelor" fantasy suite when they're engaging in "bipartisan negotiations."

Thu, 01/18/2018

Joke Day: #4113

From: 01/09/18
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 13

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Anybody watch the college football championship game last night? What a game. It was such a good game, I did the unthinkable. I turned off "The Bachelor" to watch it.

The Alabama Crimson Tide rallied from, I think, 13 points to beat Georgia in overtime to win their fifth national title in nine years. [shows clip of winning touchdown] The kid who threw that pass is the backup quarterback. His name is Tua Tagovailoa, I believe. What a game he had. The state of Alabama hasn't seen a freshman scramble like that since Roy Moore visited a local high school.

Tickets for the game last night were at a minimum of $2,000. But, as part of that price you got to see President Trump try to sing our national anthem. It appears he might not know all the words to his anthem he talks about so much. [shows clip of Trump appearing to fumble lyrics] Yeah, no way he wins “Lip-Sync Battle” with a performance like that.

The only part of the song he remembers is "red glare," because that's also the shade of the fake tanner he uses.

He did not seem to know all the words to the anthem. But there might be a good explanation for it. You know how the president keeps telling us he's a genius? Well, it turns out he isn't. I know, I was surprised, too.

There's a website called Fact Base that did an analysis of the first 30,000 words spoken in office by every U.S. president since Herbert Hoover. So they loaded all the speeches into a computer, and what their software found is that President Trump speaks at a fourth-grade level, lower than any president they've ever measured.

Herbert Hoover is at the top, 11th grade level. Obama was in third place with ninth grade. And then, way all the way in the back of the class in the fourth grade, there's Donald Trump. Remember that show "Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader"? He's not.

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

President Trump was asked about Oprah running for president, and he said that he would defeat her. But then another guy said, (PUTIN) "Donald, there is only so much I can do for you. I mean ¬¬– it's OPRAH!"

Trump invited the press to an immigration meeting at the White House. He let them stick around for about an hour. They said, "This is the longest we've ever stayed here!" And Trump said, "Me, too!"

Congratulations to Alabama, who overcame a 13-point deficit to win the College Football National Championship! Man, I'm just happy to say the words "Alabama" and "13" and not be talking about Roy Moore.

Some news for travelers here. I read that British Airways is getting rid of reclining seats on their planes. And if you think that's bad, Southwest just announced that their new seats only recline forward.

I saw that Princess Charlotte went to her first day of nursery school yesterday. It was a little intimidating for the other kids – like for "Show and Tell," she brought Scotland.

Last night at the Consumer Electronics Show in Vegas, there was a party that featured robot strippers. They said the annoying thing about robot strippers is when you give them a dollar, you have to make sure it's not crinkled and facing the right way.

I read about a company that's working on technology that would let your pet video chat with you. It's fun to get a video chat from your dog, but depressing to watch your cat decline your call.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Former White House press secretary Sean Spicer said yesterday that Oprah Winfrey does not have enough political experience to run for president. I don't know what he said next, but it had to be "Why is everybody laughing?"

According to new analysis, President Trump speaks at a fourth-grade level. But only when he doesn't want Betsy DeVos to know what he's talking about.

President Trump will have his first physical exam as president this Friday. That story again, Trump will have his first-ever physical exam on Friday. “It turns out I have two knees. That’s the most. I have the most possible knees.”

U2 frontman Bono said in a new interview that he thinks "music has gotten too girly." Well, you know what they say: Opinions are like U2 albums, even when you don't want them, Bono's gonna give 'em to you.

An Arizona bank robber was recently arrested after he applied for a job with his local police department. They busted him after they asked "Where do you see yourself in five years?" and he said, "In jail for robbing a bank."

Fri, 01/19/2018

Joke Day: #4114

From: 01/10/18
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 14

Jimmy Kimmel Live

There are a lot of things to dislike about L.A.: traffic, pollution, people. But it's important sometimes to stop and appreciate the fact that A) We don't have to scrape ice off our windshield every morning, and B) I can wear the same pair of teal-colored dolphin shorts to work every day since 1985. I appreciate it, and I like to think my coworkers appreciate it, I really do.

At the White House, the chief of staff, John Kelly, is reportedly asking people who work at the White House whether or not they're planning to stay on the job through the end of the year. Morale among staffers is reported to be low. Why? I have no idea. Seems like everything's going great.

President Trump had his first Cabinet meeting of the year today, where — and you're not going to believe this — he took time out to boast about the media's reaction to his bipartisan meeting yesterday with members of Congress. (clip of Trump) "Got great reviews by everybody other than two networks who were phenomenal for about two hours. Then after that, they were called by their bosses, 'Oh, wait a minute.' And unfortunately, a lot of those anchors sent us letters saying that was one of the greatest meetings they've ever witnessed." Really? A lot of those anchors sent you letters saying it was one of the greatest meetings ever? I bet the handwriting on those letters looks a lot like Kellyanne Conway's.

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

A Democratic congressman is introducing a bill that would force presidential candidates to take a mental health exam. It is called the "Too Little, Too Late Act."

The FBI might have had an informant inside the Trump campaign. It was someone who wouldn't draw much attention from Trump, which narrows it down to Don Jr. and Eric. So, I mean, it's one of those guys.

Trump will be visiting San Diego this month to look at prototypes for the border wall. He says he really wants to test how strong the walls are, so he told his staff to invite the Kool-Aid man to come, too.

Steve Bannon is leaving Breitbart, but he said that he's proud of what they've accomplished in the short period of time. For example, in just a few months, they managed to fire Steve Bannon.

Sat, 01/20/2018

Joke Day: #4115

From: 01/10/18
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 15

Late Night With Seth Meyers

President Trump said today he would not sign a bill to replace the DACA immigration program that does not include funding for a border wall. OK, can we just tell him it's been built already? He's never going to Mexico to check. Just tell him it's big and beautiful and at the ribbon cutting Hillary Clinton fell over onto the Mexico side. And then we can just finally move on.

New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie gave his final State of the State address yesterday before leaving office next week. (picture of Christie) Which means somebody is going to have some very high pants to fill.

O.J. Simpson this weekend denied long-running rumors that he is Khloe Kardashian's real father. But then he announced his new book about his relationship with Kris Jenner called "If We Did It."

U.S. immigration agents targeted hundreds of 7-Eleven stores today to investigate the legal status of store employees. Hey, if you're going to investigate something at 7-Eleven, how about the hot dogs? How long have THEY been in the country?

The Late Late Show with James Corden

Congressman Brendan Boyle has proposed a bill that would require all presidential candidates to take a mental examination test. And he's calling it the "Stable Genius Act." Do we really need a mental examination to determine Trump isn't a genius? We can just use spell check.

They tried to give Trump one of those tests where they show you a bunch of inkblots and you say the first thing that comes to your mind, but he kept saying: "That looks like my dad not hugging me." "My dad not hugging me." "Ivanka naked." "My dad not hugging me."

In other White House news, according to a recent article, President Trump's son-in-law, Jared Kushner, has been asked to turn his focus to prison reform. And based on the way the Russia investigation is going, I assume he wants to make prisons way harder to get into.

President Trump had previously put Jared in charge of achieving peace in the Middle East. So, congratulations to prison reform on being the next big issue that will never be solved!

Sun, 01/21/2018

Joke Day: #4116

From: 01/11/18

Top of Page   Joke: 16

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Tomorrow, President Trump will have his first physical since taking office. They’ll get off to a weird start when he eats an entire jar of cotton balls because he thinks they’re marshmallows.

You’ll know Trump eats a lot of junk food when the doctor puts his stethoscope to his chest and Trump’s heart whispers, “Help me!”

There will be another awkward moment when Trump tells the doctor he’s sexually active, and from the waiting room, Melania yells, “Fake news!”

The CEO of Domino’s Pizza announced that he is stepping down this summer. He’ll carefully pack up his office, then get home and find that all his stuff is stuck to the top of the box.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Sen. Jeff Flake said today that President Trump’s proposed border wall doesn’t need to be a wall, but more of a fence. They’ll even settle for a net or a sternly worded sign, parking cones, and if they still can’t afford it, just get some old guy who yells, “Get! Get outta here!”

According to NBC News, former White House chief strategist Steve Bannon has hired a lawyer to help him prepare to testify before the House Intelligence Committee. I’d say Bannon is starting to sweat, but I’m pretty sure he never stopped.

President Trump announced yesterday the delivery of F-52 fighter jets to Norway, despite the F-52 being a fictional aircraft from the game of “Call of Duty.” So bad news, Norway. It sounds like you’re not getting those battle carts, either.

First lady Melania Trump has added three new people to her personal White House staff. She just needs one more to make it over the fence.

The Late Late Show with James Corden

After several reports that key White House officials are planning to leave the administration, Donald Trump has now asked his staff to decide by the end of the month whether they’re going to quit or stay on through the November midterm elections. They’re asking THEIR STAFF who’s going to be leaving the White House — right now, they should be asking the JUSTICE DEPARTMENT, “Who’s going to be leaving the White House?”

I don’t want to say Trump is being petty, but he said to the staff, “If you leave, just to be clear, you’re not breaking up with me, I’m breaking up with you.”

At the end of the meeting, Trump gave employees a choice. Basically, it went like this: “Listen, you guys have to decide by the end of the month whether you’re going to —” And they went, “Leave. We choose leave. Bye.”

Mon, 01/22/2018

Joke Day: #4117

From: 01/15/18
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 17

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

On Saturday, officials in Hawaii mistakenly sent out an alert that said a missile was headed toward the island. And Trump didn’t comment until the next day. That’s classic Trump right there. I mean, the first time there actually IS fake news, he’s nowhere to be found.

Actually, Trump was pretty worried when he heard Hawaii might be in danger. He said, “Oh, my God, is Moana okay?”

I read that the worker who sent the alert has been reassigned. Yep, he’s now in charge of monitoring all active volcanos.

On Saturday the word s***hole was projected on to Trump’s D.C. hotel. It got even worse when Motel 6 sued them for copyright infringement.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Well, this weekend, we learned just how much news anchors have been dying to say s***hole. “Trump said WHAT? And then I get to say it on TV? Oh, man, this job rules.”

President Trump, yesterday, defended himself over reports that he used an expletive to describe African countries, saying, quote, “I’m not a racist. I’m the least racist person you’ve ever interviewed.” Man, who else has that reporter interviewed? Just Paula Deen?

President Trump spent Martin Luther King Jr. Day at his golf club in Florida. And what better way to celebrate Martin Luther King than with the whitest thing you can do — golf at a private club that’s named after you.

The only whiter thing he could have done would be to put on some cargo shorts and listen to NPR at Whole Foods.

Tue, 01/23/2018

Joke Day: #4118

From: 01/15/18
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 18

Conan O'Brien

Congress is questioning Twitter about allowing extremists on their site. In response, Twitter said, “We have to, he’s the president.”

Today is Martin Luther King Jr. Day. Just to break it down for you young people, a long time ago there used to be something called “racism.”

Saudi Arabia has lifted a 35-year ban on movie theaters, and the first movie to screen publicly was “The Emoji Movie.” So the ban is back on.

North Korea and South Korea are considering having a joint women’s ice hockey team for the Olympics. Of course, when a North Korean player enters the penalty box, they’re never seen again.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

I assume you know that an emergency alert went out on Saturday morning. This text is something received by everyone with a cellphone at 8:07 a.m. on Saturday: “Ballistic missile threat inbound to Hawaii. Seek immediate shelter. This is not a drill.” And then they didn’t get a correction until 38 minutes later. So for 38 minutes people were seeking immediate shelter — which in Hawaii, what does that even mean? Everybody get under a Mai Tai umbrella?

People were freaking out. Although not as much as they would be in any other state. But the fact that it took them 38 minutes to get around to telling people there wasn’t a ballistic missile on the way is very Hawaii. It’s about as Hawaii as it gets.

I have to say, I was at a Walmart in Maui once. I stood in line for 43 minutes with two people in front of me. It got to the point where I was hoping a ballistic missile was on the way to put me out of my misery.

They don’t have that level of anxiety that we do. You know, usually the Hawaii emergency broadcast system is reserved for messages like “To the owner of a rusty Jeep with an ‘Aloha, B*tches’ bumper sticker, your lights are on.”

Wed, 01/24/2018

Joke Day: #4119

From: 01/16/18
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 19

Late Night With Seth Meyers

According to a new poll, 35% of people would give President Trump an overall “F” for his first year in office. Or as Trump tweeted it, “I have been given the fifth highest grade of any president in history.”

The White House physician today gave a report on President Trump’s first physical exam and said Trump takes Propecia to avoid male pattern baldness. I guess it’s working [shows pic of Trump with windblown wild hair], because there doesn’t seem to be a pattern.

According to The Washington Post, the meeting where President Trump used an expletive to describe African countries was dominated by loud crosstalk and swearing. But on the bright side [shows pic of money-filled “swear jar”], Mike Pence made $75.

President Trump today made a surprise appearance at a Women of America panel at the White House. Said Trump, “Four, four, six, three, seven, six. All right, let’s move on to the bikini competition.”

According to a new poll, Republicans are more likely to label news they don’t like as fake, while Democrats are more likely to label news they don’t like as Fox.

The Late Late Show with James Corden

The president made some comment last week about foreign countries. So this is the point in the show where we find out what CBS will let me say when I try to repeat what the president said.

As you know, last week President Trump pleasantly referred to many foreign countries as “s***holes.” Yesterday, Trump attacked Sen. Dick Durbin for confirming what he said behind closed doors, tweeting: “Senator Dicky Durbin totally misrepresented what was said at the DACA meeting.” The most upsetting part of this tweet is not Trump’s attack; it’s that the best nickname Trump could come up with for Dick Durbin is Dicky Durbin.

He just added a “y.” That’s not the Trump we know. What happened to the Trump that came up with Lyin’ Ted Cruz and Crooked Hillary? Put some effort into it! How about Double-Crossing Dick? Or Disturbin’ Durbin?

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

There has been a whole lot of talk about Donald Trump’s fitness for office lately. He took a physical last Friday, and today we got the results from his doctor, Ronny Jackson. Right off the bat, the doctor broke big news: “The heart exam was normal.” So, despite all evidence, Donald Trump does have a heart.

With the president being 6’3” and 239 pounds, according to the body mass index by the Federal Health and Human Services Department Trump is overweight and just one pound shy of obesity. One pound short of being obese — that’s awfully convenient. “Listen, Doc, I feel like this wad of cash is about one pound, why don’t you take that off my hands and weigh me again?”

Anybody here drink water but wish you could pay more for it? Well, good news, folks, because the next big startup craze in Silicon Valley is companies offering consumers the chance to get “off the water grid” with something called “raw water,” which is water that is unfiltered, untreated, and unsterilized. Wow, drinking that sounds un-sane.

Thu, 01/25/2018

Joke Day: #4120

From: 01/16/18
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 20

Conan O'Brien

Miners in Africa have found a massive 910 carat diamond worth tens of millions of dollars. The diamond will go to either a museum or to Beyoncé the next time Jay-Z cheats on her.

President Trump’s doctor predicted that the president will live a long life. As a result, the doctor is now treating Melania Trump for depression.

President Trump had a physical today. After Trump’s exam, his doctor said he found “no cognitive or mental issues whatsoever.” But the doctor did say, “Keep in mind, I am a proctologist.”

The Mormon Church has picked a new leader and he’s 93 years old. Which is why they’re getting together on Friday to pick another new leader.

President Trump broke with tradition and spent Martin Luther King Jr. Day playing golf instead of performing a community service. However, many people say that any time Donald Trump’s not in the White House, he’s performing a community service.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

The White House began enforcing a ban on smartphones and other personal communication devices for staffers and guests. From now on you have to check your phone at the White House even you’re there working all day. Guess they are worried people might use their phones to secretly find out which painting they resemble.

They are doing this to cut down on the information leaking to the press. You know the stories they say are fake? They don’t want those leaking out, because they’re not.

The cellphone ban is in effect will and it will remain indefinitely. Which is tough for the people trying to work there; earlier today, the White House staff was gathered around a rotary phone trying to play HQ Trivia. It was very sad.

But the ban doesn’t apply to everyone. The only White House staffer who didn’t surrender his phone? Donald J. Trump — the one person who really SHOULD have the phone taken away from him.

It was a big day for President Trump. Today was the live results show for his annual checkup. Trump’s doctor spoke to members of the press for about an hour today sharing the results of his first physical since taking office. The doctor said the examination went exceptionally well — which means he was able to get Trump to stop eating fried chicken long enough to take his blood pressure.

Dr. Ronny Jackson, the White House doctor, said he has no concerns about Trump’s cognitive ability. Well, that makes one of us.

He said despite the fact that he is borderline obese, Trump is in excellent health. How could he be in excellent health? When he sneezes, gravy comes out.

Donald Trump clocked in, according to the doctor, at 6’3” and 239 pounds — even though his driver’s license in New York says 6’2”… I guess he’s getting taller as he ages. It’s very common.

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Today at the White House, President Trump had a meeting with the president of Kazakhstan, Nursultan Nazarbayev. Or as Trump calls him, “Heyyy... buddy.”

The results of Trump’s physical came out today. White House physician Dr. Ronny Jackson said President Trump is in excellent health. Trump thanked Jackson, and told him to say hi to his brothers, Jermaine and Tito.

I saw that Trump spent yesterday playing golf instead of commemorating Martin Luther King Jr. People were pretty upset — then they thought about what Trump would’ve said and were like, “Probably a good move.”

Meanwhile, Trump’s ex-wife is defending him, after it came out that he made racist comments last week. Trump was like, “Wait a minute — which ex-wife, and which racist comments?”

Of course, not everyone’s standing by him. In an editorial, a former Trump employee called the president “mercurial, difficult, demanding, mean, and petulant.” Trump was like, “I understood ‘mean.’”

I saw that Patriots star Rob Gronkowski taped a new PSA where he warns about the dangers of eating Tide detergent pods. Which backfired when 10 seconds into the ad, he ate a Tide detergent pod. “What’s this ad for again?”

Fri, 01/26/2018

Joke Day: #4121

From: 01/17/18
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 21

Late Night With Seth Meyers

After the White House released the results of President Trump’s physical, Sports Illustrated said that based on Trump’s size he would most likely play linebacker or tight end in the NFL. And based on his tweets he’s most likely a player who would be placed in the concussion protocol.

According to the Hollywood Reporter, the salacious new book on the inner workings of the Trump White House is set to become a TV series. They’re calling it “The Worst Wing.”

According to a new report, President Trump’s alleged affair with adult film star Stormy Daniels lasted 11 months. Wow, only Trump would date a porn star and then dump her right before he had to buy her an anniversary present.

The Late Late Show with James Corden

Remember a few weeks back when President Trump announced that he was going to reveal the winners of his fake news awards? He said that they would be awards for the most corrupt and biased reporting. Well, tonight was the day, and he finally announced them. When we went to watch the awards, the website immediately crashed.

This is what most people saw when they went to the page [screenshot of Trump giving thumbs-up with headline “404 Error”]. Is that the website for the fake news awards or the current website for the United States of America? Only Trump would put a picture of himself giving a thumbs-up next to the message that says “Error.”

Eventually we got through and it was just a website. There was no show, no celebrity presenters, no Ryan Seacrest on the red carpet. It was literally just a typed-up list. That’s what he kept us waiting for. That is not an awards ceremony; that is a Craigslist ad.

It was no surprise an award was given to CNN. They won for falsely reporting that Trump overfed fish on his trip to Japan. Glad he cleared that up, because that’s the crisis in Asia looming on the horizon that everyone is worried about. Not nuclear missiles — bloated koi fish.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

Tonight was the long-awaited, rescheduled day that Donald Trump announced his fake media awards, the Fakies. And I’m proud to say that at 5:15 today, “The Late Show” won Fakest in Late Night. On behalf of everyone here at “The Late Show” I just want to say thank you, sir. And I would say I’m humbled, but I think we deserve it — in part because I’m lying right now, we didn’t win.

Meanwhile, this is good news: We still have a government for, like, 48 hours, something like that. You see, after the breakdown of DACA negotiations, Congress is hurtling toward a government shutdown. Well, maybe not hurtling. The average age of a U.S. senator is 62, so shambling.

Despite controlling the presidency and both houses of Congress, the GOP needs Democratic votes to keep the government open. The Democrats will only do that if Trump supports DACA, but Trump will only agree to DACA if he gets his border wall. It’s all detailed in the new thriller [pic of Trump and congressional leaders] “Taken 4: Oops, All Kidnappers.”

Of course, the nation is still reeling from the shocking news that our president is perfectly healthy. Yesterday, the president’s doctor declared Trump in excellent physical and cognitive health. Yeah, Trump should be on the cover of “Men’s Health,” or rather, “Men’s HEALTH?!”

Sat, 01/27/2018

Joke Day: #4122

From: 01/17/18
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 22

Conan O'Brien

The Pentagon is reportedly considering nuclear retaliation as a response to cyberattacks by hackers. The biggest challenge is building missiles that can penetrate a mother’s basement.

It’s come out that President Trump enjoys eating cheeseburgers in bed, which explains why Melania likes to go to bed disguised as a salad.

Everybody’s talking about President Trump’s physical exam yesterday. Medical experts are saying that considering his eating habits, President Trump is surprisingly healthy. When told this, Melania said, “OK, time for Plan B.”

During a political protest on Capitol Hill today, 82 rabbis were arrested. It’s the first time D.C. police have dispersed a crowd by spraying them with bacon bits.

In an interview, former porn star Stormy Daniels said she had an affair with Donald Trump in 2006. To which Stormy’s shocked husband said, “Wait, you told me I was your first!”

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Saturday will mark the anniversary of President Trump’s first year in office, and he’s wrapping it up on a bit of a low note. According to Gallup, Trump has the lowest average approval rating of any first-year president, 39%. Which still seems high to me. Two out of five Americans are going, “Great job, man, you’re nailing it. Let’s go watch ‘The Emoji Movie’ again, I loved that too.”

To put that number, 39%, in perspective, a Muslim socialist president who was born in Kenya left office with an approval rating of 58%.

On the bright side, Trump did magically grow an inch and lose 30 pounds just before his physical yesterday.

While his approval rating may be low, his coronary calcium score is high — so high that Dr. Sanjay Gupta of CNN said he believes the president has heart disease. In response, Trump had Sanjay Gupta deported by ICE.

A calcium score over 100 indicates a high risk of heart attack or heart disease within three to five years. Trump’s number is 133, but his doctor says he’s in excellent health. Claims he passed a cognitive test with flying colors — all of them orange.

They did this test, and Trump answered 30 out of 30 questions right. The White House said it was the greatest “30 for 30” since the O.J. documentary on ESPN.

Jeff Flake, the Republican senator from Arizona, gave a blistering speech from the floor of the Senate, condemning Trump’s attacks on the press and comparing the president to Stalin. I don’t know, Stalin had much thicker hair. That feels unfair to me.

Flake didn’t hold back. He called the president reprehensible and accused him of inspiring dictators around the world — and then continued voting right along with him on every major issue. It’s what they call “flake news.”

Speaking of fake news, today is the day the president promised to hand out his most corrupt and dishonest media awards. Trump continually complains that coverage by the mainstream media is negative. And that is true, of course it’s been negative — when you cover a train wreck you don’t give equal time to the train.

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

A lot of people were skeptical when they heard Trump only weighs 239 pounds. But it actually checks out when you remember that for the weigh-in, Trump took off his clothes and hair.

Still, they say Trump hopes to drop 10-15 pounds this year. While Melania hopes to drop 239.

Today, Sen. Jeff Flake gave a big speech on the Senate floor, and he compared President Trump to Russian dictator Joseph Stalin. Trump said, “Why? ’Cuz we were both elected by Russians?”

After he was accused of making racist remarks in a meeting last week, Trump tweeted that his approval rating among black voters has doubled. That story again: Two times zero is still zero.

But this morning, Eric Trump went on “Fox & Friends” and passionately defended his father. While at home, the president was like, “Where do I know that guy from...”

Yesterday, in Japan, someone sent a false alert about a North Korean missile. Then the guy who sent it said, “Yeah... I might’ve lied about why I left my last job in Hawaii.”

The U.K. just appointed a “Minister of Loneliness,” as if Morrissey isn’t enough.

The U.K. just appointed its first-ever “Minister of Loneliness.” Even worse, she’s the only person in the world with that job.

Congrats to Kim Kardashian and Kanye West, who just welcomed a baby girl this week! I don’t have a joke for that — I just wanna think back to the good old days when THAT would be our lead story. Remember that? Wasn’t that nice?

Sun, 01/28/2018

Joke Day: #4123

From: 01/18/18
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 23

Late Night With Seth Meyers

President Trump claimed that he scored higher on his cognitive test than all his predecessors. His psychological test could use a little work, though [shows three Rorschach images]: “Hillary Clinton in prison… Hillary Clinton in prison… A butterfly talking to Hillary Clinton in prison.”

Following several postponements, Vice President Mike Pence will finally begin his trip to the Middle East tomorrow. Apparently, it took them a long time to get his face to show up in front of a white background for his passport photo.

In a new interview, White House special counsel Ty Cobb said that he expects the Russia investigation to wrap up in the next four to six weeks. Though based on his mustache, he’s not great at estimating how long something will last.

Today is National Winnie the Pooh Day, which is why I’m not wearing any pants.

A funeral home in Canada is reportedly under investigation after they cremated the wrong woman’s body. Even after she told them, “Stop! I’m the wrong woman!”

Zac Efron will play serial killer Ted Bundy in an upcoming movie. Even weirder, the movie is “High School Musical 4.”

The Late Late Show with James Corden

President Trump’s border wall is back in the news. Because while speaking to the Hispanic caucus in Washington yesterday, chief of staff John Kelly told lawmakers that when Trump promised voters a Mexican border wall during his campaign, he had not been, quote, “fully informed.” Now to be fair, “not fully informed” could describe literally any statement Trump has made since 2003.

Trump immediately shot back at this, saying his plan for a border wall remains the same. He tweeted, “The wall is the wall. It has never changed or evolved from the first day I conceived of it.” Great, now he thinks he invented walls.

“The wall is the wall.” It sounds like Mark Wahlberg referring to himself in the third person.

I can’t believe Trump and his chief of staff are fighting in public like this. But I’ve got to say, what I am really looking forward to is what nickname Trump is going to use when he eventually attacks Gen. Kelly on Twitter. Right now, my money is on Smelly Kelly. But I should say, if you are a betting person, here are the current Vegas odds right now [shows betting pool]: Jelly Belly Kelly is at 2 to 1, while John “The John as in Toilet!” Kelly is 6 to 1. A dark horse at 11 to 1 is “Kellyanne Johnway.” And at 16 to 1, gaining pace, is “Genital John Kelly.” So place your bets, good luck, everyone.

After his doctor earlier this week said that he would recommend Trump exercise more, the president said yesterday that he gets “more exercise than people think.” Does he? I am not sure backpedaling on campaign promises counts as exercise.

Although, many doctors agree that Trump tweets so furiously, it technically counts as cardio.

In Touch magazine is set to drop a 5,000-word interview with porn star Stormy Daniels about a 2006 affair when she allegedly had sex with Donald Trump. All 5,000 of those words are “ew, ew, ew, ew.”

Mon, 01/29/2018

Joke Day: #4124

From: 01/18/18
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 24

Conan O'Brien

North Korea has announced that it will send a group of citizens called the “cheering squad” to next month’s Winter Olympics. And many of them are expected to actually compete in a new event called the “400 Meter Defection.”

Doctors are saying the result of President Trump’s physical revealed that he is borderline obese. In fairness, he did promise us growth.

After the results of his physical were released, many Americans are claiming President Trump is lying about his weight. In other words, maybe he really is one of us.

Professional race car driver Danica Patrick is dating again, after breaking up with her previous boyfriend, a NASCAR driver. When asked why that relationship didn’t work out, Patrick explained, “We were just going in circles.”

President Trump is now claiming his approval rating among black Americans has doubled. In other words, Ben Carson voted twice.

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

The big story today was that Congress had just one day left to prevent a government shutdown. But don’t worry, it will only affect nonessential government employees like park rangers, museum guides, and the president. So that will be fine.

I guess Congress had 24 hours to pass a short-term spending bill if they want to avoid a shutdown. Trump told them to do their jobs, then went back to announcing the winners of a made-up awards show.

Last night Trump tweeted a link to his fake-news awards page. But for a while, it wouldn’t load. His IT guy was like [imitates Putin], “Sorry, my trolls can only build so fast.”

Trump named The New York Times, ABC News, and CNN as the top three reporters of fake news. His top three reporters of real news were Fox News, his Magic 8-ball, and Snapple caps.

Trump actually has two cellphones that his staff nicknamed “Trump One” and “Trump Two.” Sounds a little like something out of a Dr. Seuss book.

Trump wrote his own Dr. Seuss book about himself. We got a copy. Check this out [shows illustrated book]. It says, “The day was beginning, I rolled up my sleeves, I put on my tie that goes past my knees. Too cold to go out, too hyper to snooze, so I sat in the house and binge-watched Fox News. I ate some McDonald’s, I ate KFC, I ate more McDonald’s and more KFC. I went to the doctor, he said everything’s fine. But even I doubt I weigh 239.”

Two new ax-throwing bars will open in Boston this year. Boston is getting a new bar where people can try ax-throwing. So far, all the customers give it one-and-a-half thumbs up.

Sunday is the AFC Championship game between the Patriots and the Jaguars. But Tom Brady injured his hand. People said, “What happened?” He said, “You know that new ax-throwing bar?”

Tue, 01/30/2018

Joke Day: #4125

From: 01/22/18
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 25

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Hundreds of thousands of women across the country this weekend participated in the second Women’s March to protest President Trump’s policies. [shows of photo of crowd holding signs]. And what better way to attack Trump than with exercise and reading.

To try to avoid the government shutdown, President Trump sat down with Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer on Friday over cheeseburgers. “Are you gonna finish that?” said Schumer, about Trump’s first term.

Vice President Mike Pence today called reports claiming that President Trump had an affair with an adult film star nothing more than “baseless allegations.” That’s right, it’s just another case of “she said, he paid.”

Amazon has opened its first cashier-less convenience store in Seattle. But they’ve already been one-upped by CVS, whose stores apparently have no employees at all.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

I’m excited. We should all be excited because as of this taping, America has a government!

Here’s what happened: This afternoon, after intense closed-door negotiations, Democrats and Republicans reached a deal to reopen the government. Well, thank God that’s done and we don’t have to think about it again until... February 8.

The two-day shutdown almost didn’t happen at all because on Friday, Sen. Chuck Schumer met with Trump at the White House and they “came close to a deal over cheeseburgers.” That’s smart — get him all burgered up first. Although, if they’re eating burgers, I think that means they were negotiating in Trump’s bed.

To avoid another shutdown, all that needs to happen is Congress has to agree on how to fix our entire immigration system in 17 days. And once they do that, the pigs that fly will solve world hunger.

And the leverage that Chuck Schumer thinks he’s got is that voters will all remember, 17 days from now, that Mitch McConnell promised to hold a vote on DACA by February 8. Can you remember what happened 17 days ago? I can’t. I’m guessing in two days we’re going to forget the name Stormy Daniels. That was the hurricane that spanked the Gulf Coast, right?