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Joke of the Day

Day # Range: 4100 - 4124

Date Range: 01/06/18 ~ 01/14/18

Sat, 01/06/2018

Joke Day: #4100

01/06/18 - Daily Show: Bannon/Trump

Top of Page   Joke: 01

01/06/18 - Daily Show: Bannon/Trump

Sun, 01/07/2018

Joke Day: #4101

From: 01/07/18 - Closer Look: President Bannon

Top of Page   Joke: 02

From: 01/07/18 - Closer Look

Mon, 01/08/2018

Joke Day: #4102

From: 01/08/18 - Closer Look: GOP Praise Trump

Top of Page   Joke: 03

Tue, 01/09/2018

Joke Day: #4103

From: 01/09/18 - Closer Look: Roy Moore

Top of Page   Joke: 04

Wed, 01/10/2018

Joke Day: #4104

From: 01/10/18 - Closer Look: Tax Plan

Top of Page   Joke: 05

Thu, 01/11/2018

Joke Day: #4105

From: 01/11/18 - Daily Show: the Book

Top of Page   Joke: 06

Fri, 01/12/2018

Joke Day: #4106

From: 01/12/18 - SC: Juicy Book

Top of Page   Joke: 07

Sat, 01/13/2018

Joke Day: #4107

From: 01/13/18 - SC: Never Planned

Top of Page   Joke: 08

Sun, 01/14/2018

Joke Day: #4108

From: 01/14/18 - Daily Show: Stable Genius

Top of Page   Joke: 09

Mon, 01/15/2018

Joke Day: #4109

From: 01/15/18 - BBC: Trump forget national anthem?

Top of Page   Joke: 10

Tue, 01/16/2018

Joke Day: #4110

From: 01/08/18

Top of Page   Joke: 11

Jimmy Kimmel Live

The stars gathered in Los Angeles for the Golden Globes. Oprah Winfrey delivered a speech so powerful that all day long people have been asking if Oprah will run for president — which at this point, wouldn’t president be a demotion for Oprah?

Now that we have Donald Trump, everything seems possible.

Reporters asked the White House today for their response to a potential Oprah candidacy. Team Trump said, we welcome the challenge whether it be Oprah Winfrey or anybody else. Preferably not anybody else.

I mean, with Trump’s approval rating right now, I don’t think he could beat Maury Povich for president, never mind Oprah!

But the president was supposed to host his own awards show tonight, the fake news awards that he announced would be presented tonight at 5 o’clock. They’ve been postponed until next Wednesday, which is — you know, postponing his own awards show is an odd and out of character move for a man who consistently delivers his promises in a very timely fashion.

I guess it’s because he had to be in Atlanta tonight for the college football national championship game. The Georgia Bulldogs are playing the Alabama Crimson Tide. Trump was rooting for Alabama, for the Crimson Tide, because that’s what he calls his face.

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Hey, I want to wish everyone a happy 2018! A lot of people are making New Year’s resolutions. Some people are losing weight — while the president’s losing his mind.

After his mental health was questioned in a new book, President Trump went on Twitter and said that he’s a “very stable genius.” Trump says it was an accident — he was trying to edit his OkCupid bio.

Yeah, Trump tweeted that he’s a “genius.” Then he said, “In fact, that’s what the J in Donald J. Trump stands for, Donald Genius Trump.”

This all started with a new book about the White House, called “Fire and Fury.” At first Trump didn’t care, cuz he thought “Fire and Fury” was just a new flavor of Doritos.

There’s a lot of weird stuff in there. For instance, it says Trump insists on stripping his own sheets. He said one maid did such a bad job making his bed, you could barely tell it was a race car.

But this wasn’t a huge surprise. The book says that Donald and Melania have separate bedrooms. Yeah, Trump sleeps in the White House’s master bedroom, while Melania sleeps in New York City.

Over the weekend, Eric Trump celebrated his 34th birthday at a Mexican restaurant, and he and Don Jr. wore sombreros. Which backfired when their dad had them deported. “Get ’em out!”

The Golden Globes were last night! Everybody’s talking about the big speech Oprah made — and a lot of people say she should run for president. But it’ll be weird at her State of the Union, when Congress keeps checking under their seats for a free car. “YOU GET A CAR AND YOU GET A CAR!”

But this could be a big story. In fact, two of Oprah’s close friends say that she’s thinking about running in 2020. While two of Trump’s close friends said, “Please don’t refer to us as Trump’s close friends.”

The Late Late Show with James Corden

This is our first show of the New Year after the holidays. We’re very happy to be back. We actually would have come back last week but marijuana was just legalized here in California so, you know.

Everybody is still buzzing about Oprah Winfrey’s incredible speech. And now after such an incredible speech, people close to Oprah are saying that she could actually be convinced to run for president in 2020. Don’t get too excited. Oprah hasn’t said that she decided to make a run for the White House or anything. She said she’s not sure she wants to move into a smaller place.

Can you imagine Oprah as president? Can you imagine? You thought Bernie Sanders wanted to give a lot of stuff away. “You get health insurance. You get health insurance. You don’t get deported. You don’t get deported. You won’t get deported.”

But after the reaction last night, Republicans were outraged when they heard about this. They were like you cannot just elect a billionaire TV star with no political experience . . .

The White House officially responded to the news that Oprah might run saying, “We welcome all comers.” Yeah, which is very easy to remember, cuz it’s the exact opposite of their immigration policy.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

Anybody see last night’s episode of Oprah? Now, some people are calling it the Golden Globes. It was easily one of the most powerful, moving, meaningful nights of beautiful millionaires giving each other trophies. And Oprah gave a speech that was moving, even for Oprah.

People were immediately calling the speech presidential. And a year ago, I would have agreed. But these days it plays a little coherent.

Now, Oprah’s denying any political ambitions, but two of her close friends told CNN she is “actively thinking” about running for president. That’s interesting. I would love to hear that the State of the Union is “Stro-ong! Whoo!”

But a note of caution: Do we really want to elect another billionaire TV star? Granted, this one is actually a billionaire and actually a TV star.

That said, one of the things that inspires me most about Oprah is that I believe she’s reasonable enough to consider the possibility that being a billionaire TV star doesn’t necessarily qualify you to have the launch codes. Then again, if we did go toe to toe with North Korea, I bet she could calm Kim Jong-un down just by helping him lose weight.

It’s a point system. It’s all points, right? You can eat anything you want! I love pasta! I love kimchi, I love all of it!

Wed, 01/17/2018

Joke Day: #4111

From: 01/09/18
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 12

The Late Late Show with James Corden

There was breaking news this afternoon. President Trump's former chief strategist Steve Bannon, who — don't even need a punch line. Just say his name. That's it! Goodnight!

In August, Bannon was forced to step down from his job at the White House and has now also been forced out as the head of Breitbart News. The craziest part of this story is, Steve Bannon is a powerful old white guy who has lost not one but two jobs in the last six months, and neither of them was for sexual harassment.

The College Football National Championship game was last night. And President Donald Trump made an appearance. Now, after months of criticizing football players for taking knees, the president finally got the chance to stand for the national anthem. But some people noticed that Trump may not know all the words. [shows clip of Trump appearing to fumble the lyrics] He looks like a guy who just jumped on stage at a karaoke bar to sing "Despacito," and then suddenly remembered he can't speak Spanish.

In Trump's defense, it's hard to sing a song while you're also trying to compose tweets in your head.

Two major Apple investors wrote an open letter to the company pressuring it to study the addictive effects of iPhones and iPads on children. This seems a little bit late; addressing this problem now is like your drug dealer telling you, "Hey, man, be careful with that. It's not good for you. I'll see you Monday."

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

Congratulations to the Alabama Crimson Tide, who, last night, beat the Georgia Bulldogs to win the college football championship. It's the best thing to happen to Alabama since not electing Roy Moore. Good for you! That's two in a row!

Today, President Trump held a bipartisan meeting on immigration reform, focused mainly on reforming our policy of having immigrants.

The stakes are high. If the two sides can’t find a compromise the federal government is going to shut down on January 20, or as historians call it: one year too late.

They had the meeting this afternoon and they did it in kind of an exceptional way. Hadn't seen this before. They held an open meeting and let cameras in for the negotiations. They don't even let cameras into "The Bachelor" fantasy suite when they're engaging in "bipartisan negotiations."

Thu, 01/18/2018

Joke Day: #4112

From: 01/09/18
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 13

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Anybody watch the college football championship game last night? What a game. It was such a good game, I did the unthinkable. I turned off "The Bachelor" to watch it.

The Alabama Crimson Tide rallied from, I think, 13 points to beat Georgia in overtime to win their fifth national title in nine years. [shows clip of winning touchdown] The kid who threw that pass is the backup quarterback. His name is Tua Tagovailoa, I believe. What a game he had. The state of Alabama hasn't seen a freshman scramble like that since Roy Moore visited a local high school.

Tickets for the game last night were at a minimum of $2,000. But, as part of that price you got to see President Trump try to sing our national anthem. It appears he might not know all the words to his anthem he talks about so much. [shows clip of Trump appearing to fumble lyrics] Yeah, no way he wins “Lip-Sync Battle” with a performance like that.

The only part of the song he remembers is "red glare," because that's also the shade of the fake tanner he uses.

He did not seem to know all the words to the anthem. But there might be a good explanation for it. You know how the president keeps telling us he's a genius? Well, it turns out he isn't. I know, I was surprised, too.

There's a website called Fact Base that did an analysis of the first 30,000 words spoken in office by every U.S. president since Herbert Hoover. So they loaded all the speeches into a computer, and what their software found is that President Trump speaks at a fourth-grade level, lower than any president they've ever measured.

Herbert Hoover is at the top, 11th grade level. Obama was in third place with ninth grade. And then, way all the way in the back of the class in the fourth grade, there's Donald Trump. Remember that show "Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader"? He's not.

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

President Trump was asked about Oprah running for president, and he said that he would defeat her. But then another guy said, (PUTIN) "Donald, there is only so much I can do for you. I mean ¬¬– it's OPRAH!"

Trump invited the press to an immigration meeting at the White House. He let them stick around for about an hour. They said, "This is the longest we've ever stayed here!" And Trump said, "Me, too!"

Congratulations to Alabama, who overcame a 13-point deficit to win the College Football National Championship! Man, I'm just happy to say the words "Alabama" and "13" and not be talking about Roy Moore.

Some news for travelers here. I read that British Airways is getting rid of reclining seats on their planes. And if you think that's bad, Southwest just announced that their new seats only recline forward.

I saw that Princess Charlotte went to her first day of nursery school yesterday. It was a little intimidating for the other kids – like for "Show and Tell," she brought Scotland.

Last night at the Consumer Electronics Show in Vegas, there was a party that featured robot strippers. They said the annoying thing about robot strippers is when you give them a dollar, you have to make sure it's not crinkled and facing the right way.

I read about a company that's working on technology that would let your pet video chat with you. It's fun to get a video chat from your dog, but depressing to watch your cat decline your call.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Former White House press secretary Sean Spicer said yesterday that Oprah Winfrey does not have enough political experience to run for president. I don't know what he said next, but it had to be "Why is everybody laughing?"

According to new analysis, President Trump speaks at a fourth-grade level. But only when he doesn't want Betsy DeVos to know what he's talking about.

President Trump will have his first physical exam as president this Friday. That story again, Trump will have his first-ever physical exam on Friday. “It turns out I have two knees. That’s the most. I have the most possible knees.”

U2 frontman Bono said in a new interview that he thinks "music has gotten too girly." Well, you know what they say: Opinions are like U2 albums, even when you don't want them, Bono's gonna give 'em to you.

An Arizona bank robber was recently arrested after he applied for a job with his local police department. They busted him after they asked "Where do you see yourself in five years?" and he said, "In jail for robbing a bank."

Fri, 01/19/2018

Joke Day: #4113

From: Coming Soon

Top of Page   Joke: 14

 

Sat, 01/20/2018

Joke Day: #4114

From: Coming Soon

Top of Page   Joke: 15

 

Sun, 01/21/2018

Joke Day: #4115

From: Coming Soon

Top of Page   Joke: 16

 

Mon, 01/22/2018

Joke Day: #4116

From: Coming Soon

Top of Page   Joke: 17

 

Tue, 01/23/2018

Joke Day: #4117

From: Coming Soon

Top of Page   Joke: 18

 

Wed, 01/24/2018

Joke Day: #4118

From: Coming Soon

Top of Page   Joke: 19

 

Thu, 01/25/2018

Joke Day: #4119

From: Coming Soon

Top of Page   Joke: 20

 

Fri, 01/26/2018

Joke Day: #4120

From: Coming Soon

Top of Page   Joke: 21

 

Sat, 01/27/2018

Joke Day: #4121

From: Coming Soon

Top of Page   Joke: 22

 

Sun, 01/28/2018

Joke Day: #4122

From: Coming Soon

Top of Page   Joke: 23

 

Mon, 01/29/2018

Joke Day: #4123

From: Coming Soon

Top of Page   Joke: 24

 

Tue, 01/30/2018

Joke Day: #4124

From: Coming Soon

Top of Page   Joke: 25