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Joke of the Day

Day # Range: 4076 - 4100

Date Range: 12/04/17 ~ 01/05/17

Tue, 12/12/2017

Joke Day: #4076

From: 12/04/17
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 01

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

What a crazy weekend in Washington. First, former national security adviser Michael Flynn cut a plea deal with Robert Mueller, and then the Senate passed the GOP tax bill. I tried to follow it on the news, but all the anchors have been fired for sexual harassment.

That’s right, Michael Flynn agreed to a plea deal with Robert Mueller — and it came out that FBI’s investigating everyone in the White House all the way to the top. Trump was like, “Oh my God — they’re investigating Putin?”

Trump might have incriminated himself when he tweeted that he had to fire Flynn because he lied to Mike Pence and the FBI. You can tell Trump was scared, ’cuz his next tweet was “Hashtag JK LOL.”

After Trump posted the tweet, the White House claimed it was actually written by Trump’s lawyer. Then Trump saw how many retweets it got, and was like, “Never mind, I wrote it!”

The other big story is that early Saturday morning, Senate Republicans passed their tax plan. They said, “We realize doing this in the dead of night makes us look sneaky, corrupt and dishonest… Anyway, have a great weekend!”

Conan O'Brien

Economists project that the new Republican tax bill will lead to a $1 trillion deficit. It’s the first thing to lose $1 trillion since “The Emoji Movie.”

A new book claims that for Donald Trump, the four basic food groups are McDonald’s, KFC, pizza, and Diet Coke. When they heard, the American people were outraged and said, “DIET Coke?”

Trump created a lot of controversy by endorsing Roy Moore. Today, Trump praised Moore as someone who reaches out to young people.

President Trump endorsed Republican Senate candidate Roy Moore, despite the fact that Moore has been accused of molesting minors. When asked why he endorsed Moore, Trump said, “Us gross guys gotta stick together.”

Due to the harassment scandal, Matt Lauer’s wife has now left the country. She said, “I want to be where in the world Matt Lauer isn’t.”

Time Magazine has published a short list of nominees for Person of the Year, and it includes Colin Kaepernick, Donald Trump, and Robert Mueller. If it’s a three-way tie, that’s going to be one awkward photo shoot.

Wed, 12/13/2017

Joke Day: #4077

From: 12/05/17
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 02

The Late Late Show with James Corden

Russia has been banned from the upcoming Winter Olympics for the use of performance-enhancing drugs. And, this is nice — Russia was also banned from participating in the next presidential election.

Olympic officials first got suspicious that Russians were using performance-enhancing drugs when the Russians set a new speed record for skiing UP the mountain.

There's more news from the Trump-Russia investigation. It was announced that Donald Trump's former campaign manager Paul Manafort, who is currently under house arrest, had violated his bail terms by corresponding with Russian intelligence. Now, I'm no lawyer. But here's what you do when you're under house arrest: You do puzzles. You bake. You watch everything on your DVR. Here's what you DON’T do: the thing that got you under house arrest!

Manafort has had so much contact with the Russians, today he found out even he's been banned from the upcoming Olympics.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Following multiple allegations of sexual harassment, Rep. John Conyers announced today that he would not seek reelection and endorsed his son to replace him in Congress. While President Trump has endorsed his son to replace him in the Russia investigation. “Take Eric, he’s the one you want.”

An Italian winery is releasing five limited-edition bottles of Hello Kitty-themed wine for the holiday season. It’s the perfect gift for your alcoholic niece.

According to a new poll, 71 percent of American men believe they face pressure to act interested in sports. “Not us!” said the New York Giants.

Tonight is Krampus Night. So, if you see someone crawling in through your window and terrorizing your kids, that’s Roy Moore.

Thu, 12/14/2017

Joke Day: #4078

From: 12/05/17
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 03

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

The International Olympic Committee just announced that it has banned Russia from competing in the 2018 Winter Olympics because of doping violations. Or, as Putin put it, "Hello, Donald? Is time to return a favor."

Russia was banned from the Olympics. But Russia doesn’t mind — they said they’ll just invade some other teams.

It’s very interesting — athletes from Russia can still participate, but they won’t get credit for winning any medals. Yeah, Olympic events that don’t matter — or as most people call it, “curling.”

Robert Mueller issued a subpoena to Deutsche Bank for documents on its relationship with President Trump. Trump couldn't believe it – he said, "I thought it was pronounced 'Douche Bank.' It was funny – that's why I joined! I’ve been a proud card-carrying douche since 1987.”

Conan O'Brien

A new report says Mike Pence's wife thinks Donald Trump is "totally vile." Coincidentally, Donald Trump’s wife thinks Donald Trump is "totally vile."

A spokeswoman for Roy Moore has defended him, saying there are plenty of women in Alabama that he didn’t sexually abuse. She said, "We prefer to look at the glass as 'half-ungroped.'"

Yesterday, another woman came forward with proof from the 1980s that Roy Moore pursued her when she was 17. Moore said, "What can I say? Back then I was into older women."

Russia has been banned from the Winter Olympics. But don’t feel bad, Russia – even though you won’t win any gold medals, you did win the U.S. presidential election.

Fri, 12/15/2017

Joke Day: #4079

From: 12/06/17

Top of Page   Joke: 04

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Time Magazine named its "Person of the Year" this morning and it's the "Silence Breakers" who've reported sexual harassment. They announced it on the "Today" show. Al Roker was like, "Here's a look at the elephant in your neck of the room!"

Following more allegations of sexual harassment, 30 Democratic senators called on Al Franken to resign as senator of Minnesota. But he's already got a backup plan: He's gonna run for senator of Alabama.

None of President Trump's tweets made the list of the year's most retweeted posts. But Trump took the news in stride by creating thousands of Twitter accounts and retweeting himself. "Just a million more to go!"

Vladimir Putin just announced he's seeking re-election. Really? Who's running against him? That's like running for class president when you're home-schooled.

Conan O'Brien

Amazon has now made it possible for you to create a shopping profile for your pet. In fact, today, Vladimir Putin created one for Donald Trump.

In an interview, Senate candidate Roy Moore's spokesperson said his accusers gave "Academy Award performances." Then Moore interrupted and said, "I just wish they'd been Teen Choice Awards."

Time Magazine announced its person of the year today and it is not President Trump. When asked for comment, the White House said, "Shhh, we haven't told him yet. Keep it down! Because he's crazy!"

This morning, Vladimir Putin announced he's going to run for re-election. Then this afternoon, he announced he won.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

President Trump today instructed the State Department to develop a plan to relocate the U.S. embassy from Tel Aviv to Jerusalem. And Melania has developed a plan to relocate herself from D.C. back to New York.

Towards the end of the speech on Israel today, President Trump began to slur his words, leading some to speculate that he may have been wearing dentures. But the White House insists that it's nothing unusual and that most of his words are slurs.

I can't believe both our first and our last president had fake teeth. Or as Trump calls dentures, "fake chews."

Thirty-two Democratic senators have now called on Sen. Al Franken to step aside after another woman accused him of sexual misconduct. Also stepping aside: women when they see Al Franken coming.

Sat, 12/16/2017

Joke Day: #4080

From: 12/07/17
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 05

Late Night With Seth Meyers

President Trump today hosted a Hanukkah reception at the White House. Trump loves Hanukkah, because no matter how he spells it, it’s probably right.

According to the New York Post, host Matt Lauer plans to disappear, play golf, and stay in the Hamptons after being fired. You hear that, Donald? If you let us fire you for sexual harassment, your life will be exactly the same.

White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders responded to speculation about President Trump slurring his speech on Jerusalem yesterday, and said his throat was dry, and not, as we thought, completely missing.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

Yesterday, we finally got congressional testimony from Donald Trump Jr. His grilling by the House Intelligence Committee lasted roughly eight hours, making it the first time a Trump has put in a full work day.

Now, Don Jr. is not a lawyer, but still claims attorney-client privilege because “there was a lawyer in the room during the discussion.” Is that how it works? In which case, I’m going to rob a law firm. “All right, everybody, hands in the air. Remember, none of you can testify!”

Now, Donald Trump Jr. has long insisted that there was no follow-up to his meeting with Veselnitskaya. CNN got their hands on previously undisclosed emails that show a follow-up after the Trump Tower meeting. Wow. It seems like there’s no end to the number of emails Don Jr. is hiding. We need to see them all. Can anyone help? Russia, if you’re listening, I hope you’re able to find the 30,000 emails that are missing.

Sun, 12/17/2017

Joke Day: #4081

From: 12/07/17
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 06

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Al Franken announced he is resigning from the Senate due to sexual harassment allegations. Other senators said he seemed heartfelt, contrite, and dignified and there’s no place for someone like that in the United States Senate.

Prince William said that Prince George just played a sheep in his school’s nativity play. Which raises the question, how rich were the other kids that Prince George wound up playing a sheep?

Mark Zuckerberg announced that he is taking a leave from Facebook to spend more time with his daughters. Like everyone who says they’re leaving Facebook, he’ll come back every hour to see how many likes his announcement got.

Hello Kitty is selling wine for the holidays. So if you’re someone who wants to order some Hello Kitty wine, I’m Chris Hansen from “Dateline.”

Conan O'Brien

Vladimir Putin announced he’s running for reelection as president of Russia. Putin’s campaign slogan is “I Made America Great Again.”

During a speech on TV yesterday, President Trump was heard slurring. Trump denied it, saying, “I save all my slurs for Muslims.”

First lady Melania Trump and second lady Karen Pence visited Texas. Melania was overheard saying, “We’re near the border, let’s make a run for it.”

Ireland will be collecting $15 billion from Apple in a settlement over back taxes. Ireland will receive the money on Friday, and Guinness will have it all by Monday.

A New York woman is suing her surgeon claiming he was on his cell phone during her operation. In response, the doctor said, “For your information, I was Googling ‘how to perform surgery.’”

Amazon is now making it possible to create a shopping profile for your cat. Yeah, all you have to do is go to Amazon and type in “I am single.”

Mon, 12/18/2017

Joke Day: #4082

From: 12/11/17
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 07

Late Night With Seth Meyers

The Alabama special election for the Senate is tomorrow between Doug Jones of the Democratic Party, and Roy Moore who is not allowed at parties.

According to The New York Times, President Trump sometimes watches MSNBC’s “Morning Joe” because it fires him up for the day. It’s the same reason he watches Dora the Explorer. “Why doesn't she give me more time to answer? I knew where the key was, it was just so fast.”

The New York Times also said there is a rule in the White House that no one is allowed to touch the TV remote except President Trump, and the technical support staff, and I know that sounds insane, but, remember, that’s literally the only rule.

A former Facebook executive recently said that he feels tremendous guilt about helping to create the company, while the creator of Tinder said, “I feel nothing.”

According to a Gallup poll, 80 percent of Russians approve of Vladimir Putin’s leadership, while the other 20 percent are missing.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

The Alabama Senate election is tomorrow and Roy Moore supporters spent the weekend going door to door just like the Roy Moore has to do when he moves to a new neighborhood.

Moore's campaign just got worse because yesterday we found out that a pro-Trump group sent a 12 year old girl to interview Roy Moore. This is the worst matchup for an interview since they sent that honey glazed ham to interview Chris Christie.

It’s no surprise that Trump is supporting Moore. They both have a deep love of country. The country’s Russia but still . . .

Tue, 12/19/2017

Joke Day: #4083

From: 12/11/17
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 08

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Did you see this? The New York Times says President Trump watches eight hours of TV and drinks 12 Diet Cokes each day. He sounds less like the president and more like a college kid who just got home for winter break.

A family in Florida took their Elf on the Shelf to the ER after their dog tore it apart, and the doctors were able to save it. While the guy in the next room was like, “Don’t worry – my broken leg will just fix itself! You take care of that elf!”

Another season of “The Bachelor” is coming up! I heard that there are four women named Lauren. Everyone had a good laugh — even the eight contestants named Ashley.

The Late Late Show with James Corden

There was an article over the weekend that revealed that Donald Trump spends between four and eight hours a day watching television . . . A day! Speaking as someone who hosts a television show, that is too much TV.

I don't want to say Trump watches too much TV, but he just asked Congress for a $10 million budget increase for the NCIS team.

According to the same article, President Trump drinks 12 cans of Diet Coke a day. So he spends four to eight hours watching TV, and at least five to 10 hours walking back and forth from the bathroom.

Even the Wolf of Wall Street was like, “Dude, that’s a lot of Coke.”

Has everyone been following this big Senate race in Alabama involving Roy Moore and all of the allegations against him? Well, the election is tomorrow and the race is so tight that Barack Obama has been making robo-calls in favor of the Democratic candidate Doug Jones. I don't want to be pessimistic, but if you're a Republican in Alabama voting for Roy Moore, the one thing that's not going to change your mind is a phone call from Barack Obama.

Wed, 12/20/2017

Joke Day: #4084

From: 12/12/17
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 09

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Alabama Senate candidate Roy Moore rode his horse to go vote in the special election. Because when Roy Moore is choosing a mode of transportation, he always asks himself, “What do 14-year-old girls like?”

Former White House chief strategist Steve Bannon said at a campaign rally yesterday that there was a “special place in hell” for Republicans who didn’t support Roy Moore. A special place? Is it the exit?

Former White House press secretary Sean Spicer announced yesterday that he is writing a book about his time at the White House called “The Briefing.” Not to be confused with Anthony Scaramucci’s book about his time at the White House called “The Briefest.”

Arby’s is currently testing a new sandwich called “The Arbynator” that features roast beef, curly fries, and both cheese and honey sauces. They named it after the Terminator because it’s the only sandwich that will make you want to go back in time and stop yourself from eating it.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

Today’s the first night of Hanukkah, when good Jewish boys and girls spring from their beds to see their parents going to work because they don’t have the day off.

It’s also a big election day in Alabama. Long before the polls closed, one thing we do know is how Roy Moore got to the polls. He arrived on horseback! Yes! And I just want to say to Roy Moore, “Hello, you, and the horse you rode in on.”

The horse's name is Sassy. Well, I mean, that is a lovely name — for a magazine targeted at teenage girls. “Hiyo, Sassy! Off to the mall!”

Thu, 12/21/2017

Joke Day: #4085

From: 12/12/17
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 10

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Today was the big Alabama Senate election. And, as promised, Roy Moore rode his horse to the polls. But it got weird when people said, “Can we vote for the horse?”

The horse Roy Moore rode was named Sassy. And what doesn’t say “I’m innocent” like a 70-year-old man riding a horse named Sassy?

Last night Roy Moore's wife tried to defend him against bigotry claims by saying, quote, "One of our attorneys is a Jew." Soooo, happy first night of Hanukkah, everyone!

President Trump was all over Twitter today. And I read that Vladimir Putin gets daily reports of Trump’s tweets. And every day, Putin reads them and says, “My God, what have I done?”

Speaking of tweets, Trump got in a Twitter fight with Sen. Kirsten Gillibrand over his sexual assault allegations. Just this week he insulted a senator, endorsed Roy Moore, and called 20 women liars. It’s like he saw his approval rating was 32 and said, “I bet I can get it under 30 by the weekend.”

The Late Late Show with James Corden

You may be wondering why I’m hosting tonight, and, yes, you’re right, Donald Trump finally got tired of all of James’ jokes and deported him back to England.

Just a half an hour ago, James and his wife, Jules, had a beautiful baby girl! In fact, I was just at the hospital before I came to fill in, and she looks a lot like James — mostly because James already looks like a giant baby.

Yesterday President Trump announced that he wants to send astronauts back to the moon for the first time in 45 years. And then the president was startled when Melania yelled, “I’ll go!”

In the past three months, airlines earned a record $1.2 billion just in baggage fees! But, I should say, they only received half of the money. The airlines lost the other half. They think it might be in Cleveland or Omaha — they’re not quite sure yet.

Fri, 12/22/2017

Joke Day: #4086

From: 12/13/17
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 11

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Last night there was real concern the voters in Alabama would put an alleged child molester and bigot and homophobe, all the bad things Santa frowns on, in the United States Senate. But it didn't happen. The special election actually turned out to be a very special election after all.

A Republican losing to a Democrat in Alabama is like a grizzly bear losing to a fish.

If the Republican you're running against is not allowed inside Forever 21, your odds of winning increase significantly.

It is kind of depressing that in 2017, barely not electing an alleged pedophile to the Senate is something to celebrate.

At the Roy Moore post-election party they were NOT celebrating. They were also not giving up. Roy Moore refused to concede. On top of that, his horse got towed. It was very sad.

Not only didn't he concede, as of tonight he still hasn't conceded. He said God will decide when it's over. Guess what. God decided. It's over. God went home.

God's sitting on his couch watching Netflix right now. It's done.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Roy Moore may have lost last night's election, but we'll never forget all the people he touched.

Republican Roy Moore did not concede last night's special Senate election in Alabama, telling his supporters, quote, "God is always in control." Unless Moore's on his horse, in which case no one's in control.

Last night the people of Alabama made the apparently very difficult decision of choosing a Democrat over a guy who was banned from a mall. I know we're all tired of mall jokes, so let me just say one thing very seriously. Sure, Roy Moore was the Hot Topic for a while, but America's not a Banana Republic and the voters made that Claire's. The voters said Ugg and they were able to Chanel their energy and send that Fossil off on some new Journeys.

According to a new Monmouth University poll, only 32 percent of people approve of the job President Trump is doing. Oh, wait. Oh, I'm sorry. I read that wrong. Only 32 people approve of the job President Trump is doing.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

I'm a little shaky tonight because my heart has been hurting all day due to a condition my doctor calls "hope." I hope I'm pronouncing that correctly. I haven't been saying that word that much this year because it's been a rough year.

We have been buried under an avalanche of bad news, but through the rubble of 2017, there was a glimmer of light, because last night, Roy Moore lost to Doug Jones in Alabama.

Jones is the first Democrat to win an Alabama Senate seat in 25 years – so a quarter of a century. The last time Alabama elected a Democratic senator, the biggest movie was "Aladdin," or, as Roy Moore calls it, "the perfect date movie."

Sat, 12/23/2017

Joke Day: #4087

From: 12/13/17
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 12

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Last night Doug Jones pulled off a shocking win over Roy Moore to become senator of Alabama. You know it's been a crazy year when an alleged pedophile loses a Senate race, and we're all like, "Wow! What an upset!"

Roy Moore became the first Republican to lose an Alabama Senate race in 25 years. It was so embarrassing, his horse went home in an Uber.

As the results came in, reporters said it was very quiet at Moore's campaign headquarters. But to be fair, it WAS a school night.

Paul Ryan revealed that he hasn't eaten sweets in 10 years, and said that he'd rather eat grilled asparagus than a Snickers. Americans were like, "And we thought Roy Moore was a monster!"

Apparently George Clooney once gave his 14 best friends a million dollars each. They were thrilled, while his 15th best friend was like, "What the hell, man?"

The Late Late Show with James Corden

The big news was last night Democrat Doug Jones defeating controversial Republican candidate Roy Moore. Now, he lost, but on the bright side, Roy Moore can now focus his energies on his real passion – hiding from shopping mall security guards.

This is really historic because it's the first time in 25 years that a Democrat has been elected senator in Alabama. Now, to give you an idea of how long ago it was, Roy Moore was dating girls back then who are now in their 30s.

This election just totally got away from Roy Moore. The same way his horse did.

It was revealed that Omarosa, former apprentice contestant and recent White House aide, has been fired. Omarosa is out of a job. So now she'll be doing, well, pretty much the same thing she was doing at the White House. Absolutely nothing.

Omarosa was reportedly fired after a heated argument with chief of staff John Kelly and escorted off of the White House grounds. Now, on the bright side for her, it's the first time in months that a Trump staffer was not led away in handcuffs.

Sun, 12/24/2017

Joke Day: #4088

From: 12/14/17

Top of Page   Joke: 13

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Do you remember that old episode of “The Apprentice” where Trump fires Omarosa and she flips out? Well, I guess they aired a rerun the other night at the White House. It came out yesterday that Omarosa had been fired, but the White House says she’s leaving to pursue other opportunities. Even dogs living on a farm upstate were like, “Yeah, right.”

After chief of staff John Kelly fired Omarosa, she apparently tried to barge into Trump’s private residence. Secret Service agents stopped her, while another said, “Eh, I want to see how this plays out. Get your phone. Get your phone out.”

But Omarosa’s trying to put a positive spin on things. She said her goal all along was to reach one year of working in the White House. Which is funny because that’s actually Trump’s goal too.

Meanwhile, Trump was like, “I thought her name was Omarosa. Is it Felicia? You’re fired, Felicia. You tell her, you tell her.”

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Do you feel the holiday spirit enveloping you like a blanket right now? Christmas is 10 days away, which means we only get to hear that Mariah Carey song 75,000 times.

Meanwhile, Roy Moore, you know Roy Moore — the leather-vested loser in the race for Senate in Alabama? Still hasn’t conceded the election. Even though he lost. Not only has he not conceded, he released a YouTube video bemoaning the fact that immorality is sweeping the land. If immorality is sweeping the land, you, my friend, are a Roomba.

The new Star Wars movie has finally arrived. “Star Wars: The Last Jedi” opened in theaters tonight. I feel we need more time between the Star Wars movies. As soon as you come out of the theater you have to get in line for the next one. It’s expected to be the No. 1 movie with a colon in the title at the box office this weekend.

The big news in show business is that Disney is buying Fox — or most of Fox. Disney, the company that owns our network, ABC, is buying 21st Century Fox for more than $60 billion. Bad news, now we only have about $300 left to make the next Star Wars movie.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Alabama Senator-elect Doug Jones said yesterday President Trump called him and was very gracious while congratulating him on his win. That story again, somebody prank-called Doug Jones.

The FCC today voted 3-2 along party lines to repeal Obama-era net neutrality rules. And if you’re not sure what that means, better Google it while you can.

According to CNN, Anderson Cooper’s tweet yesterday calling President Trump a pathetic loser came from someone using his assistant’s phone that was left unattended at the gym. Wait a minute. You can have your assistant go to the gym for you? This is a game-changer! A game-changer!

While announcing plans to trim the size of the regulatory code, President Trump today cut a red ribbon with an oversized scissors that was draped across stacks of paper. Then, because of all the regulations he repealed, the scissors fell apart, a dolphin choked on the ribbon, and the paper burst into flames.

Mon, 12/25/2017

Joke Day: #4089

From: 12/18/17

Top of Page   Joke: 14

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

You guys, today President Trump gave a big speech on National Security. He focused on the three biggest threats to our country -- Russia, North Korea, and Omarosa.

At one point he said, "We will never lose sight of our values and their capacity to inspire, uplift, and renew." Then he realized someone left an old Obama speech in the teleprompter. "That doesn't sound like me at all. What just happened? Wall. Come on, Donald, improvise."

It was revealed that the Pentagon had a top secret program to investigate UFO’s and aliens. Which is why Trump announced plans to build a dome over the earth and make E.T. pay for it.

There was an 11-hour power outage at the airport in Atlanta yesterday. And people were stranded on the tarmac for six hours. Don't worry, though, flight attendants came through every hour with a thimble-size cup of room temperature water.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Senator Bob corker said this weekend that he would support the Republican tax plan, despite not reading it. "Same," said trump about the constitution.

The Trump administration has banned the CDC from using seven words in official documents for next year's budget. The seven words are "Hillary Clinton actually won the popular vote."

The Trump administration has banned the CDC from using a list of seven words, including, vulnerable, entitlement, diversity, transgender, fetus, evidence-based, and science-based. And then Mike pence added his seven bad words, "Gosh, darn, nuts, heck, shoot, shucks," and the c-word which is just "Crud."

Hundreds of flights were cancelled today at the world's busiest airport in Atlanta due to a massive power outage yesterday. Experts are saying this could lead to as many as 30 texts from your mother.

Tue, 12/26/2017

Joke Day: #4090

From: 12/19/17

Top of Page   Joke: 15

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Disney's Hall of Presidents just added a Donald Trump robot. He’s really making an impact at Disney - today, he deported Aladdin, and he gave Scrooge McDuck a tax break.

Yeah, they added Trump to the Hall of Presidents. You can tell it's Trump's robot, cuz Putin’s backstage controlling it.

The House passed the GOP tax bill. Yep, the Senate will follow, and Trump is expected to sign it into law this week. Which will get awkward when Trump says, “I’m busy - have my robot do it.”

I read that a majority of Americans would end up paying more in taxes by the year 2027. Trump said its payback for the majority of Americans who voted for Hillary Clinton.

Yeah, a lot of people are upset. In fact, I read that a woman took her top off in the House while protesting the vote. Security escorted her out, while Trump said, "Let's hear what she has to say!"

Late Night With Seth Meyers

The House passed a Republican tax bill today, which was great news for everyone from the super wealthy all the way down to the that's it.

Disneyworld's Hall of Presidents debuted an animatronic President Trump today. Good lord! Disneyworld, is that supposed to go in the haunted mansion?

Even Lincoln is looking at him like, this is the worst thing that's ever happened to me.

President Trump today denied a Washington Post report that he was considering rescinding his nomination of Supreme Court justice Neil Gorsuch. Prior to his confirmation, calling it, you guessed it, fake news. Hey, man, you're burning out your own catch phrase.

Pretty soon you're going to need a new catch phrase, like "It's golfing time." Or "I hereby resign from the presidency of the United States." Oh, that's catchy.

Wed, 12/27/2017

Joke Day: #4091

From: 12/20/17

Top of Page   Joke: 16

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

President Trump had a very good day. He’s very proud – Republicans finally passed his tax bill which means Trump’s about to sign his first major piece of legislation. Yep, his chest was puffed out so far his tie was actually at a normal length. “Wow! It’s actually at my waist!”

But Trump was very happy. He said “we are now pouring rocket fuel into the engine of our economy.” And if you've ever poured rocket fuel into a regular engine, you know it ruins the engine.

There’s been a lot of criticism. I read that only 24 percent of Americans think the GOP tax plan is “good.” To put that in perspective, The Spice Girls movie got a 29 percent score on Rotten Tomatoes.

House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi said that the tax plan is "an all-out looting of America, a wholesale robbery of the middle class." Which incidentally, is also the slogan for Whole Foods.

The University of Pennsylvania, which is Trump’s alma mater, says the tax bill will add 2.2 trillion dollars to the national debt. Trump was like, "Come on - are you really gonna believe a school that let ME graduate? Gimme a break!”

Late Night With Seth Meyers

President Trump today congratulated Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell for passing the Republican tax plan tweeting quote, “I could have not asked for a better or more talented partner.” McConnell was so touched, his neck pouch blushed.

New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio visited Iowa yesterday. He actually meant to visit Queens but the F Train got rerouted.

A couple in Tennessee recently gave birth to a baby from an embryo that was frozen 24 years ago. Which explains why its first word was “Wazzzzzupppppp!”

Arby’s is giving away hoodies and sweatpants that are covered in photos of meat that they are calling “meat sweats.” Incidentally, “Meet Sweats” is how President Trump introduces Marco Rubio. “Ladies and Gentlemen, meet Sweats!”

Thu, 12/28/2017

Joke Day: #4092

From: 12/28/17 Golfing

Top of Page   Joke: 17

Fri, 12/29/2017

Joke Day: #4093

From: 12/29/17 Just for Fun

Top of Page   Joke: 18

Sat, 12/30/2017

Joke Day: #4094

12/30/17 Golf Cheating

Top of Page   Joke: 19

Sun, 12/31/2017

Joke Day: #4095

From: 12/31/17 The Rich

Top of Page   Joke: 20

Mon, 01/01/2018

Joke Day: #4096

From: 1/1/18 Fox on #TaxScam

Top of Page   Joke: 21


Tue, 01/02/2018

Joke Day: #4097

From: 1/2/18 Bloopers - It can't be all politics.

Top of Page   Joke: 22

Wed, 01/03/2018

Joke Day: #4098

From: 1/3/18 - Trump/FBI

Top of Page   Joke: 23

Thu, 01/04/2018

Joke Day: #4099

From: 1/4/18 - Monkey Hurling

Top of Page   Joke: 24

Fri, 01/05/2018

Joke Day: #4100

From: 1/5/18 - Is he crazy?

Top of Page   Joke: 25