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Joke of the Day

Day # Range: 4051 - 4075

Date Range: 10/25/17 ~ 12/04/17

Wed, 11/08/2017

Joke Day: #4051

From: 10/25/17
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 01

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

In his speech Sen. Jeff Flake gave about Trump yesterday, he criticized Trump for 20 minutes without mentioning him by name. But I think people knew who he meant when he kept referring to “Tweety McTweetface.”

And Trump was tweeting again today. He said that his big meeting with Republican senators was “a love fest” with multiple standing ovations. They were mostly getting up to leave — but still, that counts as a standing ovation.

Trump sent three tweets about how the senators gave him a standing ovation. It’s a big deal for Trump — he hasn’t seen 50 people cheering him on since his inauguration.

Today when he was talking to reporters, Trump said he has “one of the greatest memories of all time.” Then Trump said, “And if you don’t believe me, ask my sons — Derek and Ron Jr. And my daughter, Girl Donald.”

Conan O'Brien

In a late night vote yesterday, the Senate made it illegal to sue a bank. Which is why today, Harvey Weinstein petitioned to become a bank.

When asked about the 2020 election, Joe Biden said, “I haven’t decided to run. But I’ve decided I’m not going to decide not to run.” Then his wife Jill Biden said, “Welcome to my hell.”

The Los Angeles Dodgers won the first game of the World Series last night. Last night’s game was the fastest World Series game in decades. Fans in L.A. were at the game for 2½ hours, and in traffic for 5½.

In the past week, several prominent men have been fired for sexual harassment and it’s being called “The Harvey Effect.” Of course, none of them will see any jail time and that’s being called “The Cosby Effect.”

The Late Late Show with James Corden

Donald Trump has recently been feuding with Republican Sens. Jeff Flake and Bob Corker after Sen. Flake gave an impassioned speech against Trump. The president struck back today, tweeting, “The meeting with Republican senators yesterday outside of Flake and Corker was a love fest with standing ovations and great ideas for U.S.A.” A love fest. Yeah, ’cuz nothing gets the American people excited like visualizing a bunch of 70-year-old senators having an orgy.

Then Trump continued the argument after Jeff Flake said he had a lot of support in the Senate. Trump tweeted, “Really, they just gave me a standing O.” To which Mike Pence said, “That is a sin. Repent.”

Why is Donald Trump so proud of getting a standing ovation? Standing ovations aren’t sincere. They are just something that people feel obligated to do. I’m saying this as someone who gets a standing ovation every night.

Thu, 11/09/2017

Joke Day: #4052

From: 10/26/17

Top of Page   Joke: 02

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

President Trump did an interview with Lou Dobbs on Fox News last night. And at one point, Dobbs said Trump is “one of the most loved and respected” presidents in history. Even Trump was like, “Now THAT’S fake news!”

I read that Queen Elizabeth has made nearly $9 million in winnings from her race horses over the past 30 years. She lost most of it betting on cockfights, but still — that's a lot!

A Japanese company created a $150 noise-canceling ramen fork to cover up slurping noises. So, if you’ve got 150 bucks to spend on a fork — why are you eating ramen?

Conan O'Brien

Woody Allen’s newest movie features a middle-aged man who is sleeping with a 15-year-old girl. The movie will premiere at Cannes in May, and be entered into evidence in June.

President Trump had the JFK files declassified. Trump said, “I can take the class out of anything.”

A fast food restaurant in Australia is celebrating Halloween by offering a hamburger in a blue bun, sprinkled with real ants and worms. Or as Arby’s calls that, “The No. 6.”

During last night's 11-inning World Series game, a Dodgers fan got arrested after he jumped into one of the bullpens. Afterwards, the Dodgers admitted if the game had gone one more inning they would have needed him to pitch.

The Late Late Show with James Corden

In an interview with Lou Dobbs yesterday on Fox Business, Donald Trump claimed he, quote, “started this whole fake news thing.” And I think I speak for everyone when I say, “Yep, yep, you did.”

During Trump’s rant about the media, he said, “What could be more fake than CBS and NBC and ABC and CNN?” I mean, yeah, what could be more fake? Just off the top of my head: Donald Trump's approval rating, his inauguration size, his concern for Puerto Rico, his concern for immigrants, his concern for hurricane victims, his golf handicap, his high IQ, his tan, his hair, him saying no one respects women more than him … and Fox News.

According to a new survey, 51 percent of Democrats say they have a favorable view of former President George W. Bush. Democrats say the quality they like most about Bush is that he is not on Twitter.

Meanwhile in another poll, for the first time a majority of Republicans say they support the legalization of marijuana. What’s going on here? I don’t understand, I’m so confused. Democrats like Bush, Republicans liking Kush.

Fifty-one percent of Republicans are in favor of legalization, although that 51 percent still insists on calling it wacky tobacky.

Amazon is introducing a new service called Amazon Key, which will allow delivery men to open your front door and put packages directly inside your house. I don't have a joke here. I just wanted to tell you how you’re going to be murdered. Sleep tight, folks.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Fox News host Lou Dobbs interviewed President Trump last night and told Trump he is “one of the most loved and respected presidents in history.” I don't know about that, but he's definitely in the top 45.

White House Chief of Staff John Kelly reportedly told the Trump administration that if it were up to him, the number of refugees admitted into the U.S. would be between zero and one. Said Betsy DeVos, “So, 13?”

Starbucks has launched a limited-edition Halloween-themed drink called the Zombie Frappuccino. The way it works is, it has no caffeine.

Saudi Arabia yesterday became the first country in the world to grant citizenship to a robot. Oh, please, we made one vice president.

Fri, 11/10/2017

Joke Day: #4053

From: 10/30/17
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 03

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Well, Trump was right. We have started saying Merry Christmas again. President Trump’s former campaign chairman, Paul Manafort, was charged today with 12 counts, including acting as an unregistered agent of a foreign principal, money laundering, and conspiracy against the United States.

Now, I wouldn’t want to judge a book by its cover, but if the book is called, “This Book Is Full of Crime,” I don’t need to open it.

A source close to the Trump administration told CNN today that the indictments of two former Trump campaign officials have zero to do with the White House. To be fair, you could say the same thing about President Trump on any given day.

Following recent sexual assault allegations against Kevin Spacey, Netflix announced today that “House of Cards” will end after next season. So I guess it is possible to get a president to step down over sexual assault allegations.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

Did you catch that World Series game? I have been told it’s amazing. I didn’t watch it because I was focusing on something else. See, it’s almost Halloween and this year is going to be super spooky for Donald Trump because special prosecutor and off-duty lurch, Robert Mueller, just announced the first indictments in the Russia investigation.

And who’s our first lucky winner? It’s former Trump campaign manager Paul Manafort, seen here [Shows image] looking innocent before proven guilty. I know it’s almost Halloween, but it really feels more like Christmas.

The charges were actually filed on Friday, but they gave Manafort until today to turn himself in. Wow, we white people really do get arrested differently. They might as well have sent him a formal invitation. “Robert Mueller requests the pleasure of your company in federal court. Please check one: Chicken, fish, squeal on Donald Trump?”

Manafort’s been charged with 12 counts, including conspiracy to launder money, tax fraud, and conspiracy against the United States.

Sat, 11/11/2017

Joke Day: #4054

From: 10/30/17
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 04

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Trump’s former campaign manager, Paul Manafort, was charged with fraud, tax evasion, and money laundering as part of the Russia investigation. I don’t want to say Trump’s nervous, but he just hopped into a white Ford Bronco and took off down the highway.

Donald Trump Jr. and his brother Eric are going to India to launch real estate projects for the Trump Organization. Yeah, it’s all part of a new business strategy called fleeing the country.

Ivanka Trump had a surprise birthday party this weekend. Because if there’s one thing you want to do when everyone’s facing indictments is jump out and yell, “Surprise!”

Conan O'Brien

Today another Trump adviser, George Papadopoulos, pled guilty to lying to the FBI about meeting with Russians in 2016. The FBI would have issued an arrest warrant sooner, but they had a hard time spelling “Papadopoulos.”

This morning, while CNN and MSNBC were covering the Manafort indictments, Fox News did a story about the cheeseburger emoji. Just to keep you up to date, the cheeseburger emoji is still claiming it did not collude with Russia to hijack the election.

President Trump’s former campaign manager, Paul Manafort, was charged with conspiracy against the United States. Apparently, his “conspiracy against the United States” was suggesting to Donald Trump that he run for president.

Last night’s Astros-Dodgers World Series game took over five hours, and then L.A. lost. Usually when people from Los Angeles endure something for five hours, at least they get new breasts out of it.

The Late Late Show with James Corden

There was some huge news out of Washington, D.C., this morning. President Trump’s former campaign manager, Paul Manafort, has been indicted by the FBI and faces 12 different charges in connection with the Russia investigation. Now there’s talk that Manafort didn’t really get it when the FBI showed up at his door. He handed out candy and was like, “And who are you supposed to be?”

After the charges were announced, Trump responded by tweeting: “Sorry but this is years ago before Paul Manafort was part of the Trump campaign, but why aren’t crooked Hillary & the Dems the focus?” Trump says it was years ago, but this was still occurring in 2016. Which means even Donald Trump can’t believe that Donald Trump has only been in office for a handful of months.

Also, crooked Hillary and the Dems, I know there are larger issues here, but I just want to say, Crooked Hillary and the Dems is a pretty amazing name for a band, isn’t it? I would go see them. “I’m Crooked Hillary, these are the Dems. Are you ready to rock, San Antonio!?”

Now what he is trying to do with all of these tweets is trying to put it off on Hillary. You can’t get investigators off your case by simply telling them to investigate someone else. That would be like if I got arrested for murder, and my entire defense was, “Hey, you know who else you should look at? O.J. Simpson.”

Sun, 11/12/2017

Joke Day: #4055

From: 10/31/17

Top of Page   Joke: 05

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

President Trump gave out Halloween candy to kids at the White House last night. It was a chance for kids to take king-sized candy bars from fun-sized hands. A little weird, though. While the kids were trick-or-treating, the White House was playing trick or treason.

People are still talking about the former Trump staffers who got indicted, including a guy named George Papadopoulos. Well, today Trump attacked him on Twitter, and referred to him only as George. When asked if he was nervous trying to spell Papadopoulos, he said, "I was nervous trying to spell George."

To sway the election, Russian agents posted over 1,000 YouTube videos. But then even Putin was like "Oh, my goodness, these comments are so mean."

The hosts of the "Today" show dressed up as country singers. The hosts of "Good Morning America" dressed up as superheroes, while the hosts of "Fox & Friends" denied that it was Halloween. Yeah. It's a lie, spread by Hillary Clinton.

Conan O'Brien

Krispy Kreme locations are giving out free donuts this Halloween when you come in wearing a costume. Yeah, it’s the perfect way to kick off the "Holiday Diabetes Season."

There was a big Halloween Party at the White House yesterday. Some of the Halloween costumes at the White House were a little over the top. For example, Melania Trump went as "Happily Married Woman."

A recent poll came out that shows the approval rating for President Donald Trump has fallen to a historical all-time low of 33 percent. In response, Trump said, "You hear that? Historic! I’m in the history books! I did it!"

Today is Game 6 of the World Series. Based on previous games, this one is expected to last two full days.

The Late Late Show with James Corden

In the spirit of Halloween, let's talk about something truly scary — the Trump White House.

After Trump campaign staffer George Papadopoulos was arrested in connection with the Russia investigation, the White House is distancing themselves from him, with one Trump ally saying Papadopoulos was nothing more than a, "coffee boy." Honestly, I think that might be a typo. I think they meant covfefe boy.

The Trump ally minimized the role Papadopoulos had in the campaign, saying he "never had a role, never got paid, never a staffer, and never did anything." Now, that could be anyone. Ivanka, Jared, Donald, Jr., Eric.

Then President Trump also downplayed Papadopoulos' importance today by tweeting, "Few people knew the young, low-level volunteer named George, who has already proven to be a liar." He says he doesn't know him, but then he paints a pretty descriptive picture. He's like, "Few people knew, the young, quick-witted, fair-haired, athletic but not overly-muscular volunteer named George." You know Trump just called him "George" in his tweet after about 30 attempts at spelling "Papadopoulos."

Late Night With Seth Meyers

After Hillary Clinton joked last night that she was considering dressing up as president for Halloween, Donald Trump, Jr., tweeted, "That's cute. She can borrow my Donald Trump mask." That's Donald Trump, Jr. Just a chill, normal dude, who owns a mask of his father's face.

The White House released the official portraits of President Trump and Vice President Mike Pence today. And they put one of Steve Bannon out on the front stoop.

In an interview yesterday, White House chief of staff John Kelly said the Civil War was caused by a lack of ability to compromise. Even weirder, he said that Pearl Harbor was an air traffic control issue.

I don't know why we ever thought there was a reasonable person working in Trump's White House. That's like going into a Hot Topic and asking to meet their rocket scientist.

Mon, 11/13/2017

Joke Day: #4056

From: 11/01/17

Top of Page   Joke: 06

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

People are still talking about Paul Manafort. I guess he used a fake name when he traveled. It got weird when Russia was like, “Wait — your name is McLovin?”

Facebook says it shut down nearly six million accounts in the U.S. last October. Five million were Russian agents, while the rest were people who kept posting “so ready for the weekend.”

There’s a new study that says most Americans think right now is the lowest point in U.S. history. Not because of Trump; because we have seven TV shows about decorating cakes.

I read that Papa John’s stock went down this week due to poor sales. You could tell they were tight on cash when Peyton Manning said, “My check didn’t clear last month.”

The Winter Olympics are just 100 days away! That means you have just 100 days to pretend you understand curling.

It just came out that Lady Gaga got engaged over the summer! The wedding will be pretty low key — just 50 or 60 costume changes.

Conan O'Brien

At the White House, first lady Melania Trump came across a trick-or-treater dressed up as her. Melania spent several minutes trying to convince the kid to switch places.

Some videos of racially insensitive Halloween costumes went viral today. Then people realized they were just watching footage of a Washington Redskins game.

In Wisconsin, a child’s trick-or-treat bag was found to contain meth. On the plus side, the kid did manage to hit 19 houses in under two minutes.

Tonight is Game 7 of the World Series between the Los Angeles Dodgers and the Houston Astros. Folks, the stakes are high, whoever wins gets to turn down an invitation to the White House.

It’s come out that this year, indicted Trump adviser Paul Manafort traveled to Mexico using a fake name. Then again, if you worked for Trump and you were in Mexico, would YOU use your real name?

People have recently discovered a property that Paul Manafort listed on Airbnb. Of course, it’s not helping Manafort that it’s a two-bedroom condo in Moscow.

President Trump’s press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders confirmed that no one in President Trump’s administration supports slavery. To put that in perspective, the last press secretary who had to make that statement worked for Ulysses S. Grant.

The Late Late Show with James Corden

On Twitter last night Donald Trump, Jr., used Halloween as an opportunity to take a shot at liberals. He posted a picture of his granddaughter with her Halloween candy that read, “I’m going to take half of Chloe’s candy tonight & give it to some kid who sat at home. It’s never to early to teach her about socialism.” Here’s what I am going to do. I’m going to take that tweet. I will show it to my daughter, because it’s never too early to teach her that “too early” is spelled with two o’s, not one.

Can we not just have one holiday that isn’t about politics? Like Christmas has become about what it says on Starbucks cups. Halloween is now about socialism. I swear to God, if they try to claim that the Easter Bunny was involved in Benghazi, I’m moving back to England.

It was reported this afternoon that Donald Trump is currently fighting with several congressmen over what to call the new Republican tax plan. Apparently, Trump wants to call it, and I promise you this is real, he wants to call it the “Cut Cut Cut Act.” When Trump asked why “Cut, Cut, Cut” wouldn’t work as a name for the tax plan, House Speaker Paul Ryan said, “Because it’s dumb, dumb, dumb.”

Late Night With Seth Meyers

According to reports, President Trump wanted to call the upcoming Republican tax bill the “Cut Cut Cut Act.” Which is a terrible name, but it is a lot shorter than calling it the “If I Cut Your Taxes, Will You Forget About My Treason Act.”

Trump wanted to call the upcoming Republican tax bill the “Cut Cut Cut Act.” Terrible name, but I will say every time he’s on TV, I have this fantasy that a director will walk in and go “cut, cut, cut… OK, that’s a wrap on this presidency.”

The Senate heard testimony today from President Trump’s pick to be the new head of NASA, who does not have a significant background in science. Great, that’s what you wanna hear. “That guy’s head of NASA, but he’s no rocket scientist.”

Tue, 11/14/2017

Joke Day: #4057

From: 11/02/17
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 07

Late Night With Seth Meyers

The Houston Astros beat the Los Angeles Dodgers last night to win their first World Series title in team history. Sad news for Dodgers fans, some of whom have been following the team since as far back as Game 3.

Security researchers have reportedly discovered that recently indicted former Trump campaign chairman Paul Manafort used “bond007” as one of his computer passwords. He also signed his checks “From Russia with Love.”

In an interview with The New York Times, President Trump repeated the claim that he is not under investigation. And then he winked so hard he got a black eye.

President Trump also said he enjoys being president and leaves the office late. In fact, he was supposed to only be there till May.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

Trump and his Republican buddies are still trying to do anything. So far, nothing. The latest chop at the t-ball is tax reform. Today, they announced a $1.5 trillion overhaul of the tax code, with major tax cuts to corporations and the rich. This is the biggest story! Or it would be, if we hadn’t just heard that Beyoncé will be starring in the new “Lion King”!

This movie will also feature people who aren’t Beyoncé. I don't know why, but the role of Simba will be played by Donald Glover.

Back to tax reform. The new Republican tax plan will establish three tax brackets, at 12%, 25%, and — who am I kidding? John Oliver is playing Zazu!

Remember former Trump campaign chairman Paul Manafort? Well, we just found out that Manafort currently has three U.S. passports, and he used a phone and email account registered under a fake name. They haven't released what that fake name is, but apparently Manafort’s internet password was “bond007.”

His catchphrase: “Bond . . . Can someone please post bond? I don’t want to go to jail.”

Thu, 11/16/2017

Joke Day: #4058

From: 11/02/17
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 08

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

I want to say congratulations to the Houston Astros, who won the World Series last night! What a great week for our guest tonight, Jose Altuve. He’s the shortest player in Major League Baseball. First, he wins the World Series, then he found out he’s going to Disney World, then he heard he’s tall enough to ride almost all the roller coasters.

I saw that President Trump leaves for a 12-day trip to Asia tomorrow. It got off to a bad start when he asked, “How long is the drive? Are we taking the choo-choo or the beep-beep?”

Finally, I saw that Starbucks just unveiled its holiday cups, which had illustrations that customers can color in themselves. It’s perfect for people who are too busy to make their own coffee at home, yet still have enough time to color in a coffee cup.

Conan O'Brien

President Trump tweeted that our criminal justice system is a “joke.” He then tweeted, “I mean, how is my entire family not in prison?”

The Republican tax plan came out today and President Trump announced that it will bring trillions of dollars to the U.S. He then said, “Specifically, to three members of my Cabinet.”

President Trump tweeted congratulations to the Houston Astros for winning the World Series. Trump said he’s so happy for the Astros, he’s only going to deport some of the players.

A gambler won $14 million on last night’s World Series game. Here’s what’s suspicious — turns out it was some guy named Yu Darvish.

Amazon has unveiled a new way to view its products in 3-D. Amazon is calling its new invention “a store.”

In an interview, “Jeopardy” host Alex Trebek revealed that he once tripped hard on hash brownies. Apparently, Trebek spent hours saying “What is, ‘my hand’ for 800?”

The Late Late Show with James Corden

As you all know, it was Game 7 of the World Series last night. It was a great season for the Dodgers. Right here in L.A. But unfortunately, they lost so we have to say congratulations to the Houston Astros on being the new world champions.

We should also say congratulations to all the celebrities in Los Angeles who no longer have to pretend they know anything about baseball.

Now if you are sad the series is over, remember that there are 162 games in a baseball season, so I can only assume baseball starts again on Monday?

The Dodgers lost in seven games, but in L.A. they talk about baseball a little differently. Here they say, they say that the Dodgers were canceled after seven episodes.

After Houston won, Astros shortstop Carlos Correa got down on one knee and proposed to his girlfriend live on television. It was a beautiful moment. Although it confused Donald Trump. He was like, “Wait, now athletes are kneeling after the game too? No!” Mike Pence walked out.

A Sports Illustrated cover from three years ago predicted that the Astros would win the 2017 World Series. They predicted it, to which Americans replied, “You knew what was going to happen in 2017 and this is what you give us a heads up on? Thanks for nothing, Sports Illustrated.”

Meanwhile, Republican leaders unveiled the new tax plan. It is over 400 pages long. And experts are still analyzing it. Apparently the plan would cut the number of tax brackets for individuals down to three. It would be 35%, 25%, and 12%. Which coincidentally also matches the trajectory of Trump’s approval ratings. Weird coincidence.

Fri, 11/17/2017

Joke Day: #4059

From: 11/06/17

Top of Page   Joke: 09

The Late Late Show with James Corden

President Donald Trump arrived in Japan over the weekend to kick off a 13-day trip through Asia. Following the president’s trip, Secretary of State Rex Tillerson will then kick off his own 13-day trip to apologize for everything Donald Trump said.

Trump was in Japan yesterday and plans to also visit Korea, China, Vietnam, and the Philippines — or as Trump calls them, China. “Japan, my favorite part of China.”

During their meeting, President Trump and Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe exchanged signed baseball caps. And this is real: On the baseball caps it said “Donald & Shinzo Make Alliance Even Greater.” Which sounds like the title of an American buddy cop movie after they translate it into Japanese.

There is an update to a story we talked about last week. A woman flipped off the presidential motorcade when it happened to drive by her while she was riding her bike. Well, it turns out she was fired from her company for violating their social media policy when she used the photo as her profile picture on Facebook. Immediately after her bosses told her that they were letting her go, she re-enacted that photo right there for them.

She says she would be sad about her firing but she’s too busy going through the 15,000 job offers that have come in since.

A talking-point memo issued last week by House Republicans about their new tax cut plan referred to Americans earning $450,000 a year as low- and middle-income. This is insulting for everyone. People who are actually middle-class are like, “Are you kidding me?” And people who really do make $450,000 a year are like, “Wait, I’m not rich?”

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe yesterday gifted President Trump with a white version of Trump’s signature “Make America Great Again” hat, reading “Donald & Shinzo Make Alliance Even Greater.” And Melania gave HIM a special hat in return [shows photo of hat reading “Please Grant Me Asylum”].

According to NBC News, Special Counsel Robert Mueller has gathered enough evidence to charge former national security adviser Michael Flynn and his son as part of the Russia investigation. “Well, at least THEY do stuff together,” yelled Eric.

A Twitter customer-support employee briefly shut down President Trump’s profile on Friday on their last day at the company. Sadly, that employee has since died of high-fives.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

Donald Trump is on a 13-day trip through Asia. “Fox & Friends” has one less viewer.

On his way to Asia, he stopped off in Hawaii. Of course, that’s Obama’s home state. He’s very popular there, so people there didn’t want to say to Trump, “Aloha.” They wanted to say, “Aloha.” Look it up.

Trump then flew to a U.S. airbase outside Tokyo to deliver a strong message to America’s enemies: [plays clip] “No one — no dictator, no regime and no nation — should underestimate, ever, American resolve. Every once in a while in the past, they underestimated us. It was not pleasant for them, was it?” [imitates Trump] “Anyone who messes with us gets what’s coming to them. Just ask Japan. What’s that? Where am I right now? Sorry. Oopsy-daisy.”

After that, it was time for Trump to meet with Japanese Prime Minister — and guy who really thought he’d be talking to Hillary Clinton right now — Shinzo Abe.

Sat, 11/18/2017

Joke Day: #4060

From: 11/07/17

Top of Page   Joke: 10

The Late Late Show with James Corden

It's Election Day around the country and many people are headed to the polls — except for one person, because this morning Donald Trump, Jr., tweeted that Virginians should vote tomorrow. How far did Donald, Jr., set his clock back this weekend? He thinks today is Monday.

But I agree with Donald Jr.'s tweet. Definitely go out and vote for his candidate tomorrow. Do it tomorrow. Get a good night's sleep and do it tomorrow. Or the next day.

Even after people pointed out his error online, he tweeted the mistake a second time. So apparently, the Trump family only knows how to fix elections, not tweets.

A new iPhone glitch is causing the lowercase letter "I" to be replaced by weird symbols. Have you experienced this? It's so odd. Apple addressed the issue with an official statement saying, "What are you gonna do, buy a Samsung?"

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Starting, as we often do, with President Trump, who has been in Asia for four days: Still no mushroom cloud, so that's a positive.

Trump is in South Korea right now. And part of the fun of Donald Trump being in a foreign country is figuring out what he is going to eat in that country. This is what was on the menu tonight: grilled sole fish, shrimp stir fry with noodles and Korean beef served with a 360-year-old soy sauce. If there is anyone who could appreciate a 360-year-old soy sauce, it is a guy who likes Chicken McNuggets.

But he is not there to eat. He is there to neutralize the threat. He said, “Ultimately, it will all work out. It always works out.” Yeah, right. In the movies. Let's face it. Bruce Willis is not going to show up to save us. Best case, Dennis Rodman shows up to save us.

Trump tomorrow makes a speech in South Korea and then travels to China, which will be fun. He'll get to see where all his Trump-brand ties are made.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

After his visit to Japan yesterday, President Trump praised Prime Minister Abe and tweeted: "Massive military & energy orders happening, + + +!" What? It sounds like massive stroke happening, plus, plus, plus. You know you're not supposed to eat the whole puffer fish, right?

Former White House chief strategist Steve Bannon said this weekend that he tries to be bad cop to President Trump's good cop. Wow. Imagine what a bad cop you have to be for Donald Trump to be your good cop.

According to a CNN poll, President Trump's approval rating has reached a new low of 36 percent. He's so unpopular, pretty soon it's just going to be "Fox & Friend."

Commerce Secretary Wilbur Ross reportedly overstated his wealth by $2 billion to gain a spot on Forbes magazine’s annual list of richest Americans. I'm just glad he finally gave up on sexiest man alive!

Sun, 11/19/2017

Joke Day: #4061

From: 11/08/17

Top of Page   Joke: 11

The Late Late Show with James Corden

Today was the one-year anniversary of Donald Trump winning the presidency. I want to put politics aside for a second and say on behalf of everyone: Oh my God, how has it only been a year?

Now the traditional one-year anniversary gift is paper. So if you want to get Trump something, you can't go wrong with a federal indictment.

Yesterday was an awful day for Trump and the Republicans at the polls. Ed Gillespie, who was running for governor of Virginia, lost his race. He had been heavily endorsed by Donald Trump for a month. Trump had been doing tweets and everything. Now, if you expected Trump to distance himself from Gillespie immediately after the loss, you are wrong. Trump waited a full 28 minutes before he distanced himself.

He tweeted: “Ed Gillespie worked hard but did not embrace me or what I stand for.” He waited 28 minutes before tweeting that. He's like the Domino’s pizza of backstabbing. He will betray you in 30 minutes or less.

Trump's turned on yet another Republican. At this point there are now fewer people on the Trump bus than there are under it. Trump said that Gillespie never embraced him. The problem is not that Ed Gillespie never embraced Trump. The problem is that Trump's father never embraced Donald Trump.

If you felt in the past 12 months — which many of us have, loads of us have — that the country is going backyards, last night I felt that we were all given a little bit of hope because minority candidates had some historic wins nationwide. Like for instance, Hoboken, New Jersey, elected its first Sikh mayor. Helena, Montana, elected the first black mayor in the state's history. Seattle elected its first lesbian mayor. And in response to this, Trump has announced a temporary ban on all mayors.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Today, Twitter doubled the amount of characters you can use from 140 to 280 characters. I think this means Twitter is now Facebook, right? They're basically the same thing — or is it possible there is anyone on the planet who thought, "You know what this year needs? More Twitter."

President Trump is either going to have to quit Twitter or someone is going to have to teach him more words.

I know it sounds crazy but I think I'm going to miss the way Trump would post a tweet that ended with “dot, dot, dot…” and we'd have to wait 23 minutes to see what the rest of his angry sentence was going to be. Now all that drama is gone.

Twitter decided to double the character limit on the same day Trump arrived in China, one of the only places on Earth where it is illegal to use Twitter. His little thumbs must be going wild.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Last night, Danica Roem became Virginia's first openly transgender person elected to the House of Delegates, defeating Robert Marshall, a conservative Republican who wrote a controversial anti-LGBT bathroom bill. So bad news, Robert. She did get to choose her own bathroom, and she chose the one in your old office.

President Trump tweeted today that, quote, "NoKo has interpreted America's past restraint as weakness. This would be a fatal miscalculation. Do not underestimate us and do not try us." Strong words — except for NoKo. You're trying to talk about an existential threat to the world. Don't make it sound like a cool New York neighborhood.

President Trump and first lady Melania attended an opera performance with Chinese President Xi and his wife today in Beijing’s Forbidden City. Man, it makes me so happy to know that Trump had to sit and suffer through a Chinese opera tonight. That is his nightmare. I really hope Hillary's backstage right now living the life he wants to be living, eating a Big Mac and watching a Knicks game just to rub it in.

Mon, 11/20/2017

Joke Day: #4062

From: 11/09/17

Top of Page   Joke: 12

The Late Late Show with James Corden

President Trump continues his diplomatic tour through Asia. Yesterday, in a joint appearance with Chinese President Xi Jinping, Trump gave China “great credit for taking advantage of the United States in trade negotiations.” Sounds like someone is looking for a new country to help him rig the next election.

He said China took advantage of the United States, but then he gives China great credit for it. That’s like someone stealing your bank card and you going, “What the hell! Although, I am loving some of these purchases you are making.”

Why is Trump complimenting China? I feel like this is part of Trump’s strategy to suck up to the Chinese people until they finally tell him how they built their wall.

Trump claims the United States’ trade deal with China is unfair. Of course it is. The United States sends China high-quality American-made products, and in exchange China sends back the Donald J. Trump signature suit collection.

Uber signed a deal with NASA on Wednesday to develop “Uber Elevate,” a new type of Uber that will use flying cars. They’re developing a flying Uber. And you thought you vomited in the backseat of Ubers before.

Los Angeles apparently will be one of the first cities to get flying Ubers. L.A. is perfect, because who is more qualified to fly you through the sky at 5,000 feet than an out-of-work actor-deejay-dog walker?

The salad dressing company Hidden Valley is now offering actual kegs of ranch dressing. The kegs cost $50 and a lifetime of medical bills.

When you buy one of these kegs, the cashier is legally required to put their hand on your shoulder and go, “Everything OK, man?”

Authorities in Colombia have seized 13 tons of cocaine, the largest bust in the country’s history. The Colombian police reported taking possession of $360 million worth of cocaine. So you could only imagine how much cocaine they actually seized. They were like, “Yeah, chief, that’s all we found, that was it, that’s all we got. I promise, haven’t seen nothing more — 13 tons of cocaine.”

And I want to warn our audience, doctors say that doing that much cocaine is almost as bad for you as one keg of ranch dressing.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

It was a beautiful day here in southern California. Very pleasant. You noticed the last couple of days have been very pleasant? Do you think it has anything to do with the fact that Trump is out of the country?

The president of the United States was in China today. Either that or they sent him to the Epcot Center and pulled it off.

He’s been around with Chinese President XI Jinping. He seemed to be enjoying himself. He loves Chinese food. He’s been having all his favorites. The No. 3, the No. 7, the No. 12 with mustard sauce.

Donald Trump has had harsh words for China in the past. He called them America’s enemy, he said they were responsible for the greatest theft in the history of the world, he said they created the climate change hoax, he accused the Chinese of raping the United States. They had a parade for him — all is forgiven, now everything is good.

It’s possible if we send him to Mexico, he’d tell them he isn’t trying to build a wall, he’s trying to build a racquetball court or something. His tune changes dramatically.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

President Trump declined to take questions from reporters following his joint statement today with Chinese President Xi, making him the first president to do so in decades. I guess he was afraid someone would ask the dreaded question, “Can you name that person standing next to you?”

According to a new poll, a generic Democratic opponent would beat President Trump by 10 points in 2020 election. Yeah, the generics do great. It’s the name brands [shows photo of Hillary] who have trouble.

Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz recently said that despite rumors, he is not considering running for president in 2020. He wanted to, but they keep misspelling his name on the banner.

Kim Kardashian posted an Instagram photo yesterday of Kanye West’s upcoming sneaker model, the Yeezy Mud Rat 500. Incidentally, Mud Rat 500 was also Steve Bannon’s AOL screen name.

An opera singer recently broke records by singing the highest note in the history of the Metropolitan Opera. While the record for WRITING the highest note still goes to my weed dealer, Travis.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

Today Donald Trump continued his world tour of government-mandated parades. This time: China. The main event! Or as they say there, the whole enchilada! The big kahuna!

The Chinese gave Trump a hero’s welcome. Then he and Xi walked the red carpet, where Trump was greeted by his biggest fans: totally not-staged adoring Chinese children. “Thank you. You’re all so good at making my hats. Thank you so much.”

Trump is in China to negotiate a tough trade deal. In the past, he’s accused the Chinese of currency manipulation, so he played his cards close to his chest — and immediately folded. [clip of Trump] “Both the United States and China will have a more prosperous future if we can achieve a level economic playing field. Right now, unfortunately, it is a very one-sided and unfair one. But I don’t blame China.” No, no. “I don’t blame China. Like everything else, I blame President Hillary Clinton. She has got to go.”

Tue, 11/21/2017

Joke Day: #4063

From: 11/13/17

Top of Page   Joke: 13

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

I saw that President Trump is wrapping up his two-week trip to Asia. Yep, Trump said he couldn’t wait to get home, put on his pajamas, and tweet in his own bed.

During the trip, Trump met with Vladimir Putin. And he called people who criticized the meeting “haters and fools.” Then he introduced his new speechwriter — Mr. T.

Trump said that he asked Putin if he meddled in our election, and Putin denied it. Is Trump the guy who should be leading that investigation? That’s like telling Kevin Spacey to keep an eye on Roy Moore.

It came out that Donald Trump Jr. was in direct contact with WikiLeaks during last year’s election. You can tell Don Jr.’s in trouble, cuz his dad just demoted him to “Eric.”

I heard that O.J. Simpson was kicked out of a bar in Las Vegas for being drunk and belligerent. Wow — just when you think you know someone.

A plane in India had to make an emergency landing after a passenger found out her husband was cheating on her mid-flight. The passengers were like, “Finally, some good in-flight entertainment!”

The Late Late Show with James Corden

On Saturday Trump fired back at Kim Jong Un and North Korea after the country released a statement that referred to him as an “old lunatic.” Trump tweeted, “Why would Kim Jong Un insult me by calling me ‘old’ when I would NEVER call him ‘short and fat’?” So in order to prove he’s not old, Trump reacted like a third-grader.

I mean, right now we are this close to Kim Jong Un and Trump doing “yo mama” jokes on Twitter. “Yo mama so stupid she couldn’t get into Trump University.”

Years from now we can only hope that we will look back at all of this and laugh. And we will be like, “You remember that time when Trump called Kim Jong Un short and fat? Haha. Anyway, how long do we have to stay in this bunker?”

While the president is on his [Asia] tour, the first lady is also traveling with him. During a public appearance with some school children at a zoo in Beijing, Melania Trump got photo bombed by a giant panda named Gu Gu. [shows photo] You can see it in those giant sad eyes, like, “Help me, I’m trapped.” Also, there is a panda behind her.

Researchers say that they’ve figured out how to get around Apple’s new face-scanning security feature. They did it by using a mask that mimics the user’s face. The mask they used is made of plastic, silicone, and makeup. Or as they call that here in Los Angeles, a face.

On the bright side, if someone has a mask of your face, getting your iPhone hacked is the least of your problems.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

It was reported about an hour ago that Donald Trump Jr. carried on a 10-month-long secret correspondence with WikiLeaks during the presidential campaign and the months following. Wow, it’s going to be awfully hard to distance yourself from a guy named Donald Trump Jr. “He’s not even related to me. My last name’s not Junior. Everyone knows that.”

President Trump attacked his critics on Twitter yesterday, saying, “When will all the haters and fools out there realize that having a good relationship with Russia is a good thing, not a bad thing?” Well, having a relationship with Russia will certainly never be as bad as having a president who uses the word “haters.”

President Trump met with President Vladimir Putin on Saturday and said he believes Putin’s claim that Russia did not meddle in the election. That story again: Bonnie believes Clyde.

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell said today that he believes the women who have accused Senate candidate Roy Moore of inappropriate sexual contact, adding that Moore should step aside. I’m proud of you, Mitch. That took a lot of chins.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

By now, you’ve probably heard of Alabama senatorial candidate and former judge Roy Moore. Last week, allegations surfaced that when Moore was an assistant district attorney in the 1970s, he had sexual contact with a 14-year-old. Which would be appropriate only if he were a 14-year-old assistant district attorney.

To defend himself, Moore went on the Hannity radio show to strongly ... make things much worse. [plays clip] Hannity: “Do you remember dating girls that young at that time?” Moore: “Not generally, no.” Oh, no, not generally. But specifically, you betcha!

Then Moore clarified, “I don’t remember ever dating any girl without the permission of her mother.” Wait a minute. How did you just make this creepier? Permission from her mother? She’s a 14-year-old girl, not a field trip!

You’d think all this would immediately disqualify him as a candidate. But according to a recent poll, Alabama evangelicals are MORE likely to support Roy Moore after sexual assault allegations. Oh, I see — so “Alabama evangelical” is like “Long Island iced tea.” It isn’t what it says it is, and it makes me want to puke.

Wed, 11/22/2017

Joke Day: #4064

From: 11/14/17
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 14

Late Night With Seth Meyers

According to a national poll, only 16 percent of Americans believe that Republican Alabama candidate Roy Moore should stay in the Senate race following allegations of sexual misconduct with teenagers. 16 percent, or as Moore calls it, “old enough percent.”

A Florida man is refusing to give up his “emotional support squirrel” even though his condo association is threatening to evict him. Of course it’s stressful times like these when the comforting embrace of a squirrel helps the most.

Nestle is recalling its Hot Pockets Four Cheese Pizza Snack Bites due to misbranding. They’ll be re-released with the corrected name, Scalding Hot Yet Somehow Still Frozen in the Middle Pockets.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

A lot of Donald Trump fans here tonight. You know what they say: “While the cat’s away, the mice have to testify before Congress.”

In this case, it was Attorney General Jeff Sessions. Sessions’ testimony to the House Judiciary Committee covered a wide range of issues, and Sessions had the same answer for a lot of them: “I don’t recall.”

Not a great memory. In fact, just to remember those answers, he had to write them on his hand.

President Trump is finally back from his 12-day trip to Asia, and according to him, the trip was a huge success, bragging to reporters, “A lot of people said it’s almost physically impossible for someone to go through 12 days.” Really? You know there are people who live in Asia forever, right?

And Trump isn’t the only one giving him rave reviews. So is his staff, noting that the president remained attentive during lengthy diplomatic rituals, including an hour-plus tour of a museum in Beijing’s Forbidden City. Yes, our president successfully completed the rigors of a fourth-grade field trip.

Thu, 11/23/2017

Joke Day: #4065

From: 11/14/17
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 15

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

President Trump is headed home after his trip to Asia. And I saw that at one point, 2,000 protesters in the Philippines were shouting, “Go home!” — while back in America, 60 million people were shouting, “Stay there!”

Trump just went on Twitter and bragged about a poll showing that he has a 46 percent approval rating. Really? That’s like posting a math quiz on the fridge where you got a D+. “I spelled my name right!”

Jeff Sessions testified again as part of the Russia investigation. And at one point, he was questioned about his stance on marijuana. You know, cuz it’s a little odd when a guy’s anti-weed, but seems to “forget” every conversation he’s ever had.

Another big story right now is this Roy Moore scandal. And get this — there’s apparently a “creep list” of men in Congress known for inappropriate sexual behavior. And if you’re a congressman who has to ask if you’re on it — you’re on it.

The Late Late Show with James Corden

Attorney General Jeff Sessions testified for hours on Capitol Hill today regarding the Trump campaign’s connections with Russia. During his testimony, it seemed Jeff Sessions had a bit of a memory problem. At one point, he was called out for saying “I don’t recall” multiple times. He said he doesn’t recall how many times he said “I don’t recall.” I don’t recall the last time I saw someone who didn’t recall how many times they didn’t recall.

At one point Jeff Sessions regained his memory and said that the Trump campaign couldn’t collude with the Russians because it was a “form of chaos, every day from day one.” I believe him. That’s such a great alibi. “That campaign was such a turbulent crap storm, there’s no way we could’ve planned anything like that. We were far too disorganized to be evil.”

In the world of healthcare, the FDA has approved the first pill with a digital sensor that signals doctors when patients have taken their medicine. When she heard about this digital pill, even Alexa was like, “Are you sure that’s not invading your privacy?”

The doctors say they invented the pill to make sure that their patients are taking their medication. I still think it would be more effective if they went with my plan of making all pills taste like Cool Ranch Doritos.

Two photographs that went missing from the Museum of a Modern Art in New York were mailed back to the museum just a few days later by the alleged thief. Which is, you know, great for the museum. Got to be a bit of a blow to the ego of the artist. “Your photographs were so popular they were stolen! No, wait, they sent them back.”

Jimmy Kimmel Live

President Trump is home. He returned home tonight after a 12-day trip to Asia. He had such a good time, he already made a dinner reservation for tomorrow night at Panda Express.

The president was very impressed with himself. He said the treatment he got in Asia was red carpet. He knows they put a red carpet out for the puppy bowl, right?

Donald Trump is back in Washington, where he has a lot of “Fox & Friends” to catch up on his DVR.

The Senate Foreign Relations Committee had a hearing to discussion whether President Trump should continue to have the sole authority to launch a nuclear weapon, or whether his iPad should have some parental controls put on it.

Attorney General Jeff Sessions testified in front of the House Judiciary Committee on the subject of collusion with Russia. He was not forthcoming. Not since “Finding Dory” have I seen a character have this much trouble with their memory.

Fri, 11/24/2017

Joke Day: #4066

From: 11/16/17
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 16

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Astronomers have discovered a previously unknown planet only 11 light years from Earth that could possibly support human life. They call it Ross 128-b. Which sounds like a “Friends” spinoff where David Schwimmer is divorced from Rachel and forced to live alone in a sad apartment.

But it’s not, it’s a planet. It might have water, which would make it possible to sustain life. As far as they know, Donald Trump is not president there. Do you know NASA didn’t even start looking for new planets until after Donald Trump was elected president?

So they have a plan to test whether this new planet is habitable. This is interesting. They’re going to send Harvey Weinstein and Kevin Spacey up there.

Meanwhile, here on Earth, the House passed the GOP-backed tax plan today, which is very good news for billionaires and also just your average run-of-the mill millionaires too. The bill would shift the tax burden from the wealthy to people who really should be paying more, like college students.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell is calling for an ethics investigation into accusations that Sen. Al Franken sexually assaulted a woman in 2006. Because Mitch McConnell absolutely will not stand for sexual harassment — by Democrats.

President Trump met with Republican lawmakers in the basement of the Capitol today just before they voted on the new tax reform bill, and nobody was more excited to see them down there than Eric. “Welcome to my basement, Father! Father, come. The bucket is a chair.”

President Trump reportedly joked to House Republicans today that he only likes between 30 to 40 percent of them. His kids were like, “Don’t worry, he says that all of the time.”

According to a new study, sweat might one day be used to unlock smartphones. So get ready to all be hacked by Steve Bannon.

Sat, 11/25/2017

Joke Day: #4067

From: 11/16/17
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 17

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

It just came out that as many as four elected officials have NOT been accused of sexual harassment.

Radio host Leeann Tweeden came forward and said Sen. Al Franken groped her without her consent. And she posted a photo as evidence. In fact, it’s so bad Franken’s already a front runner for president in 2020.

Meanwhile it’s been reported Alabama Senate candidate Roy Moore would hang out in the mall in the ’80s and try to get teenagers’ phone numbers. He got a lot of numbers, but they were all for Jenny at 867-5309.

Two more women have come forward accusing Roy Moore of making unwanted advances at the mall, which explains that new slogan, “Amazon: So you don’t run into Roy Moore at the mall.”

The Late Late Show with James Corden

Have you been following this story about the UCLA basketball players who were arrested in China for shoplifting? President Trump helped get them released and yesterday they publicly thanked him. So today, Donald Trump tweeted, “To the three UCLA basketball players I say: You’re welcome.”

He also tweeted, “Have a great life! Be careful, there are many pitfalls on the long and winding road of life!” This guy goes on one presidential trip to Asia and now he’s writing Chinese proverbs.

A piece of wedding cake from Donald and Melania Trump’s wedding is currently up for auction. The 12-year-old piece of cake is being marketed as a rare collector’s item. I can’t believe it lasted this long. Not the cake, the marriage.

This piece of cake is expected to go for over $1,000. What a rip-off. If I want to eat a 12-year-old piece of cake, I’ll go to the liquor store and buy some dusty Twinkies like a normal person.

Sun, 11/26/2017

Joke Day: #4068

From: 11/20/17
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 18

Late Night With Seth Meyers

The White House has announced that President Trump will pardon two turkeys at a ceremony tomorrow, despite the fact that both turkeys lied under oath about meeting with Russian officials.

A Republican operative who is in contact with the White House told The Washington Post that special counsel Robert Mueller’s team is working through the staff like Pac-Man, [shows photo of Trump sons] which should be of concern to Inky and Blinky.

According to reports, Donald Trump Jr. spoke briefly last year with a Russian banker with ties to Vladimir Putin while attending an event hosted by the NRA. Wait, hold on one second. Don Jr., OK … Putin … NRA! I won Evil Bingo!

Charles Manson passed away last night at the age of 83, leaving Trump scrambling to nominate a new head of his mental health task force.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

You might remember that while he was in China, Trump asked China’s President Xi Jinping to release three UCLA players who had been arrested for shoplifting from a Chinese mall — easily the most scandalous thing to happen in a mall that didn’t involve Roy Moore.

Trump couldn’t resist tweeting, “Do you think the three UCLA basketball players will say thank you President Trump?” Imagine Thanksgiving at the Trump house: “Let’s go around the table and all say what we’re thankful to me for. I’ll start. Thank you, me.”

Trump also took a shot at Arizona Sen. Jeff Flake. Flake was caught on camera dissing his own party, saying, “If we become the party of Roy Moore and Donald Trump, we are toast.” Sen. Flake, that’s a little too hard on toast.

Mon, 11/27/2017

Joke Day: #4069

From: 11/21/17

Top of Page   Joke: 19

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Today the White House held its annual turkey pardon and President Trump pardoned a turkey named Drumstick. Which was nice until he told the turkey, "Okay, now you pardon me."

But there were actually two turkeys and before the ceremony the White House tweeted out a poll asking people which turkey should be pardoned. Leave it to Trump to turn a fun annual tradition into "Sophie's Choice."

Before the ceremony, the White House actually tweeted out profiles for each bird. Kind of cute. This is real. Here's a profile for Drumstick. It says stuff like, date of birth, height, and wingspan. Well this is kind of weird, after they met Trump, the turkeys actually released a profile of him. Take a look, first it says, date of birth, June 14th, 1946. For height it says 6'2," and for height of tie it says, 6'4." For wingspan it says six feet. And for hand span it says, three inches. For mating call, it says, "Come on, Melania, I know you're not really asleep." Finally, for bird call, it says, "Tweet, tweet, tweet."

CBS just fired Charlie Rose after allegations of sexual harassment. Yep. They told him to clear out his desk, put on some pants and leave.

The Late Late Show with James Corden

There was some big news out of Washington yesterday. It was announced that the Donald J. Trump Foundation, the Trump family's charity, is shutting down. He's shutting down his charity right before Christmas. If Trump wasn't going to be visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve before, he definitely is now.

Apparently, Trump said he's closing the foundation because he already has his hands full with too many other charity cases, like Eric, Donald, Jr., Ivanka — not Tiffany, she's out on her own and she knows that.

The attorney general says they can't shut down the charity because it's currently being investigated. I guess, when they heard Trump was doing something nice for other people, they were, like, "This sounds suspicious."

Today was the annual presidential turkey pardoning at the White House. The president pardoned two turkeys today — and then immediately criticized them on Twitter for not being grateful enough.

During the ceremony, Trump tried to make a joke about overturning Obama's pardons from last year, at which point the turkeys in front of Trump were like, "You know what, just kill us now."

Donald Trump's website is selling a Christmas version of its "Make America Great Again" hat. It's embroidered with "Merry Christmas" on the back. It's the perfect gift for someone who has everything. Check that. Hates everything. It's the perfect gift for someone who hates everything. This is the hat that says "I love Christmas" but can't stand snowflakes.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

President Trump pardoned a turkey at the White House today, where he said, "I'm pleased to report that, unlike millions of other turkeys at this time of the year, Drumstick has a very, very bright future ahead of him." Though I bet the turkey would feel more confident about that if they would stop calling him Drumstick.

CBS news today fired host Charlie Rose after eight women accused him of sexual harassment. It's too bad, but if you want to keep your job, you've got to get that number up to 16.

Starbucks recently released a limited edition juniper latte. Juniper, or as Betsy Devos calls it, the biggest planet.

Pringles has launched several new potato chip flavors including turkey, stuffing, mashed potato, green bean casserole, and pumpkin pie. Or as single dads call it, "Thanksgiving!"

Tue, 11/28/2017

Joke Day: #4070

From: 11/28/17

Top of Page   Joke: 20

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

A little drama out of Washington today. Chuck Schumer and Nancy Pelosi canceled their meeting with President Trump, after he attacked them on Twitter. Then Trump was like, “Does this mean I can stay in my pajamas?"

After he referred to her as Pocahontas yesterday, Elizabeth Warren said it’s unfortunate Trump can’t make it through a ceremony without using a racial slur. Then his aides said “Seriously? He can’t make it through an episode of ‘Dora’ without using a racial slur.”

The White House just unveiled its holiday display, and it has a nativity scene, marking the first time all year there’s been Wise Men at the White House.

Another big story is that Prince Harry is engaged to Meghan Markle. And it was announced that they’ll marry at Windsor Castle this May. Right now, every bride is asking, “Wow – how’d they get a venue so quick?!”

Some big TV news. MTV is bringing back "Jersey Shore" next year with the original cast. Just what this country needs – MORE loud, orange people on TV.

Conan O'Brien

This week, Secretary of State Rex Tillerson said that Russia isn’t acting like a “responsible nation.” President Trump agreed, saying, “They haven’t paid me in months.”

People are mad at President Trump for meeting with Native American leaders in front of a portrait of anti-Native American president Andrew Jackson. Even worse, today President Trump met with Hispanic leaders in front of a portrait of President Trump.

Genealogy experts say that Prince Harry and his fiancée Meghan Markle are actually distant cousins. After hearing they were related, Queen Elizabeth finally gave the couple her blessing.

Bernie Sanders has been nominated for a Grammy Award for best audiobook. Of course, Bernie supporters are already complaining that the Grammys are rigged so that Hillary will win.

Arby’s has acquired Buffalo Wild Wings for $2.4 billion. They didn’t mean to, but like a lot of us, Arby’s got drunk and bought too many wings.

MTV announced it's bringing back the original cast of “Jersey Shore.” Can you believe it? Every single cast member was available!

In Indiana, a high school teacher was caught in her classroom snorting cocaine. People became suspicious when parent-teacher conferences lasted only 10 seconds.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

President Trump commented on North Korea's missile launch today, saying, quote, "We'll take care of it." That's it? I have to say, I don't find it comforting that the president talked about enemy missiles the same way a dermatologist talks about a weird mole.

President Trump tweeted this morning that NFL stadiums are having a very hard time filling up due to recent national anthem protests. "Yes, that's why," said the Cleveland Browns.

The top-selling items of Cyber Monday this year included the Nintendo Switch, Apple AirPods and the popular children's toy Hatchimals, while this year's least popular toy is Tickle Me Harvey.

Vice President Mike Pence announced today that he will travel to Israel next month to address its legislative body. And this is scary, while he's out of the country, Trump will be in charge.

A teacher in Indiana was arrested this week for allegedly snorting cocaine in her classroom. But on the plus side, she covered the whole industrial age in one period.

Wed, 11/29/2017

Joke Day: #4071

From: 11/29/17
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 21

Late Night With Seth Meyers

The official Rockefeller Center Christmas tree was lit earlier tonight. And it will stand there until early January when I have to drag it out to the curb.

According to recent analysis, the FCC received more than a million fake comments in favor of repealing Net Neutrality. It’s the most fake comments ever found outside a high school reunion. “Oh, my God, you look greaaaaaat!”

According to reports, Disney’s Hall of Presidents is scheduled to debut their Donald Trump statue sometime before Christmas. Until then, they’re keeping him in the Haunted Mansion.

A couple in Arkansas recently named their baby Olivia Garten in honor of the restaurant chain Olive Garden. Olivia is joined at home by her older brother, Fred Lobster.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

According to the chairman of NBC News, (Matt) Lauer was fired due to "inappropriate sexual behavior in the workplace." Not to be confused with "appropriate" sexual behavior in the workplace. Because that does not exist.

We should have seen that Lauer had a strange obsession with women. I mean, just look at any of his actual Halloween costumes. Dolly Parton, "Baywatch" babe, Paris Hilton, and Lucy from Peanuts. Good grief. After looking at those photos, I think he could have been fired for sexually harassing himself.

Donald Trump weighed in on the Lauer story tweeting, "Wow." Wait a minute. Wow? I'm still not used to a president typing the word "Wow." That's like if the first draft of the Gettysburg address was "Holy guacamole, this war sucks. Wow."

Thu, 11/30/2017

Joke Day: #4072

From: 11/29/17
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 22

The Late Late Show with James Corden

President Trump retweeted three videos from a far right British hate group called Britain First. The videos were meant to inflame anti-Muslim and anti-immigrant sentiments. For those of you that don't know, it basically is a racist gang that marches in the streets and wants Muslims out of the country. And I for one am just glad I now live in the United States where, thankfully, nothing like that could ever happen.

Britain First was founded by a man named Jim Dowson who got his start in a town called Dundonald which frankly is exactly what we all wish we could all say right now, “You're done, Donald, get out, go away, it's done, Donald.”

Jimmy Kimmel Live

More famous and powerful men accused today of inappropriate behavior, including, this was a shocker, Santa Claus. Apparently one of the children on his routes saw him kissing mommy, and I guess it's over.

As is Matt Lauer. Matt Lauer was let go from the "Today" show this morning because of unspecified allegations of sexual harassment. This morning my wife looked on her phone and said, "Oh my God, Matt Lauer," which, of course, I assumed he was dead. I guess this is better. I don't know.

And on top of all this, 75-year-old Garrison Keillor, the guy from "A Prairie Home Companion," was fired today from Minnesota Public Radio. Can you imagine being fired from Minnesota Public Radio? It's like having your library card revoked.

Meanwhile North Korea launched another missile yesterday. That apparently now they can reach every part of the mainland of the United States. Which is scary, of course. And I know it sounds terrible, but speaking for those of us who live here on the west coast, there's something comforting about the fact that it's not just us who have to worry about this anymore. Now we’re all in it together. Congratulations.

Sat, 12/09/2017

Joke Day: #4073

From: 11/29/17
(**Part 3**)

Top of Page   Joke: 23

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

The Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree was lit tonight! Also getting lit tonight – the HR rep over at the "Today" show.

That’s the big story today. NBC has fired Matt Lauer from the “Today” show after he was accused of inappropriate sexual behavior. So if you were wondering “Where in the World is Matt Lauer?” – he’s probably at a bar with Charlie Rose.

Actually, President Trump tweeted about Matt Lauer being fired and went on to attack NBC News executives and Joe Scarborough. Then Kim Jong Un was like, “Uh, did you guys not see that missile yesterday, orrrr…?”

Let’s get to some sports here. The Giants announced that they are benching Eli Manning this weekend. Eli’s not sure what’s worse – not getting to play for the Giants, or having to WATCH the Giants.

Instead of Eli, the Giants will start former Jets quarterback Geno Smith. You know things are bad when your solution is, “Let’s try the guy who was cut by the Jets!”

Conan O'Brien

Two properties associated with Donald Trump have decided to remove his name from their building. Sadly, neither one is the White House.

In a tweet this morning, Donald Trump suggested that Joe Scarborough is a murderer. This is a big step up for Trump. It’s the first time he’s connected a crime to a white guy.

Former Prairie Home Companion host Garrison Keillor has been fired by Minnesota Public Radio over allegations of sexually inappropriate behavior. Keillor issued an apology to his three living fans.

Longtime “Today” show anchor Matt Lauer was fired because he was caught engaging in sexually inappropriate behavior. Afterwards, Lauer said, “Maybe having all those people looking through the windows wasn’t such a great idea after all.”

Former White House adviser Steve Bannon is heading to Alabama to campaign for embattled candidate Roy Moore. It’s part of their “They Deserve Each Other” tour.

Nintendo has teamed with Kellogg's to make a Mario Brothers cereal. Kellogg's promises that the Super Mario cereal will “taste like plumber.”

A new study finds that men with thick biceps are more likely to live longer. The study also found that I died 10 years ago.

Sun, 12/10/2017

Joke Day: #4074

From: 11/30/17

Top of Page   Joke: 24

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Earlier tonight, President Trump and his family lit the national Christmas tree. Of course, Trump refused to light it until everyone agreed his tree had the most lights in history — “800 million billion.”

Trump also sent a thoughtful tweet about coming together, putting aside our differences, and remembering what the holidays are all about. I’m just kidding. He insulted the leaders of two countries on Twitter.

Trump lashed out at British Prime Minister Theresa May on Twitter, but he actually tagged the wrong Theresa May. When he heard that he sent an embarrassing tweet, he said, “You’re going to have to be way more specific.”

It came out that Trump wants to replace Secretary of State Rex Tillerson. He decided not to when he heard Tillerson was his Secret Santa. “Right after I get my present, you’re fired.”

Jerry Springer says he won’t run for governor of Ohio next year. You know politics has gotten messy when Jerry Springer’s like, “I can’t be associated with this.”

Conan O'Brien

A sixth woman has come forward to accuse Senator Al Franken of sexually inappropriate behavior. On the plus side, if Franken resigns as senator from Minnesota, he could still be elected the senator from Alabama.

Two large properties associated with Donald Trump have decided to disassociate from him. One is the Trump SoHo hotel, and the other is the Kremlin.

Matt Lauer got a public message of support from Geraldo Rivera. In response, Lauer said, “My God, now I’ve really hit rock bottom.”

Pope Francis visited a Buddhist country and made some controversial remarks. The worst was when the Pope saw a statue of Buddha and said, “At least, MY God has abs.”

An Ohio-based company made a cup holder for dip that attaches to a dashboard so you can eat chips and dip while you drive. I don’t have a joke about this, I just wanted to remind you we’re still the greatest country in the world.

The Late Late Show with James Corden

The New York Times is reporting that Donald Trump is expected to fire his Secretary of State Rex Tillerson in the coming weeks. Or as Rex Tillerson is calling it, a Christmas miracle.

Honestly, Tillerson says he’s not paying attention to the rumors. And as the former head of ExxonMobil, he’s used to ignoring lots of leaks.

It’s not really surprising that Trump would fire Tillerson. If you remember, Rex Tillerson, over the summer, reportedly called Trump a, and I quote, a (bleep) moron. I don’t have a joke here, I just wanted to relive that fond memory.

Meanwhile, the co-author of Donald Trump’s book, “The Art of the Deal,” says that according to two secret sources, White House staffers are starting to express concern over the president’s mental health. Wow, that’s some great investigative journalism right there. Or he could have just checked Twitter!

I wish I could have seen the face Trump made when he heard people were saying he’s crazy. It was probably something like this: “Yeah, completely sane, completely sane.”

Anyone here have plans to travel over the holidays? Well, you might have to check your flights because American Airlines just experienced a computer glitch that has allowed all their pilots to take vacation at the same time, meaning that thousands of flights in December have no one to fly them. This is all part of American Airlines’ new campaign to make the rest of their services seem less awful. “Okay, fine. I’ll pay extra for my bags, but only if I get a pilot.”

This computer glitch could really screw things up for people flying on Christmas. It just gave time off to 15,000 pilots and eight tiny reindeer.

Have you guys heard about this robot Sophia? She’s one of the world’s most advanced artificial intelligence androids. Well, recently she announced, on her own, that she wants to have a baby. That may seem weird, but I bet she knows what she’s talking about. Her biological clock is an actual clock. If this happens, it’s gonna be a huge blow to single women with overbearing mothers out there. “So, I see robots are having babies before you.”

Mon, 12/11/2017

Joke Day: #4075

From: 12/04/17
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 25

Late Night With Seth Meyers

The Senate passed a Republican tax bill just before 2 a.m. on Saturday. And if you’re wondering if that’s a good thing, try to remember the last time anything good happened to you at 2 a.m. on a Saturday. 2 a.m. on Saturday is when your drunk friend gets in the back of a police car because he thought it was an Uber and then barfs on himself. 2 a.m. is when your friend who’s into coke says, “I’m gonna get some more coke.”

A new poll has found that 48 percent of Roy Moore’s supporters plan to vote for him because “he’s the best person for the job.” What’s the job — male stripper for nursing homes?

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

On Friday, former national security adviser Michael Flynn pleaded guilty to lying to the FBI, and it turns out that’s against the law. [imitates Trump] “Did you know that? Lot of people don’t know that. Most of them work for me.”

But Flynn’s not the only one in Mueller’s crosshairs — because, in court, Flynn said that he’s agreed to cooperate with the special counsel’s office. Woo-hoo! He’s singing like a canary! Well, actually, more like an angry shaved eagle.

On Saturday, Trump tweeted, “I had to fire General Flynn because he lied to the vice president and the FBI.” OK, here’s the thing — Trump’s not supposed to have known Flynn lied to the FBI. Because, the day after he fired Flynn, FBI Director James Comey says Trump told him to go easy on Flynn. That would be an admission to obstruction of justice.

It’s like when you’re trying to get out of one lie and you accidentally tell a much worse lie. “Baby, I couldn’t have been texting with my ex last night, I was too busy sleeping with your mom.”