Bucking donkey, symbol of the Democratic Party Lincoln Memorial, symbol of Freedom Waving flag, symbol of America

Joke of the Day

Day # Range: 4026 - 4050

Date Range: 09/28/17 ~ 10/25/17

Tue, 10/10/2017

Joke Day: #4026

From: 09/28/17
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 01

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Congratulations are in order for Khloe Kardashian, who reportedly has a baby in her. Khloe isn’t the only one in the family expecting. Her younger sister Kylie is pregnant, her older sister Kim is having a baby with a surrogate. It’s interesting, right? Three major hurricanes this month, three new Kardashians. There has to be a connection.

Of course no one is more excited than grandma Kris Jenner, who is about to sign three new clients.

I have to say, trying to keep up with President Trump every day has made me appreciate how easy it was to keep up with the Kardashians. They get married, they break up, they find a new rapper or basketball player, they have a kid, they post it to Instagram. It’s very straightforward.

Russia and the United States, with all that’s happening between us right now, have announced an agreement to team up to build a space station on the moon. Although I should say the Russians are calling it a space station; for some reason the White House keeps referring to it as a golf resort/casino.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders today said there isn’t anything to clarify about Trump’s position on NFL players kneeling during the national anthem, because the issue is, quote, “pretty black and white.” And then she winked so hard, her podium fell over.

Democrats are reportedly hopeful that controversial judge Roy Moore’s Republican primary victory in Alabama may boost their chances for a competitive Senate race in the state. In a related story, Wile E. Coyote says he really feels like he has a shot this time.

Police discovered over 3,000 pounds of marijuana in a car in Colorado after the owner admitted, quote, “It’s just a little, I can throw it out.”

Fast-food chain Arby’s is serving a limited-edition Cookie Butter Milkshake. And any customers who order it will also be limited-edition.

A woman in Italy recently married herself in a ceremony that included a three-layer wedding cake, bridesmaids, and 70 guests. Did I say guests? I meant cats. 70 cats.

Wed, 10/11/2017

Joke Day: #4027

From: 09/28/17
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 02

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

This week, President Trump unveiled his new tax code, and he said that it will be “simpler to understand.” When asked how simple, he said, “Even I can understand it.”

I saw that yesterday, a little girl wore a pantsuit to Hillary Clinton’s book signing in New York. Hillary was like, “That is so sweet... now are you gonna buy a book or not?”

A musical based on Cher’s life will come to Broadway next year. But I dunno — what are the chances you’re gonna find people who like both Cher AND Broadway musicals?

A woman in Colorado says that after someone hit her car, they left an apology note, and half a joint. It got weirder when he came back later and said, “Did I accidentally leave my apology note here?”

A 45-foot-tall statue of a nude woman will be placed next to the Washington Monument. Which explains why the Washington Monument is like, “Think about baseball, think about baseball, think about baseball...”

Conan O'Brien

Researchers say they may have figured out how the ancient Egyptians built the Great Pyramid of Giza. What they haven’t figured out is how the ancient Egyptians got Mexico to pay for it.

The other day in Australia, a wedding took place inside a Costco. Because it was Costco, the groom came home with 12 brides.

San Diego has started building a border wall. Not to keep out immigrants, but to keep the LA Chargers from coming back.

In Britain, a group of hikers had to be rescued from the country’s highest peak because they were too stoned to walk. The hikers were thousands of feet high, and then they started climbing the mountain.

In China, for the first time ever, a robot performed dental surgery without human assistance. Everyone was excited until they remembered that the robot was just supposed to vacuum the living room.

Thu, 10/12/2017

Joke Day: #4028

From: 10/02/17

Top of Page   Joke: 03

Late Night With Seth Meyers

President Trump today hosted the prime minister of Thailand at the White House. When asked “Where’s Thailand?” Trump said, “Usually about four inches below my belt.”

In a new interview, House Speaker Paul Ryan said he thinks President Trump’s heart is in the right place on race relations. Oh, sorry, I misread that — his heart is in the WHITE place.

Former California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger will speak at a rally tomorrow against gerrymandering. Admission is free, but I would still pay $1,000 just to hear him say “gerrymandering.”

According to reports, the bakery based on the series “The Hunger Games” is expected to open in Times Square. Even worse: the new “50 Shades of Build-a-Bear.”

Today was World No Alcohol Day. “Robitussin it is,” said Steve Bannon.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

As commander in chief, President Trump has nearly unlimited power to wage war at his fingertips — and that’s just Twitter.

This weekend, he launched an asymmetrical tweet assault against the mayor of San Juan, Puerto Rico, Carmen Yulin Cruz. Here’s how it started: In response about the administration’s relief efforts, on Thursday, Acting Secretary of Homeland Security Elaine Duke said this: “It is really a good news story in terms of our ability to reach people and the limited number of deaths that have taken place.” You know you work for the Trump administration when one of the worst disasters in history seems like a good news story to you.

And that first tweet was just the tip of the douche-berg. Because he sent out 20 tweets about Puerto Rico this weekend. He continued: “Such poor leadership ability by the mayor of San Juan, and others in Puerto Rico, who are not able to get their workers to help. They want everything to be done for them when it should be a community effort.” Yes, Trump is blaming the victim. “I like islands that weren’t hit by a hurricane, OK? That’s what I like.”

Fri, 10/13/2017

Joke Day: #4029

From: 10/03/17
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 04

Jimmy Kimmel Live

President Trump is headed to Las Vegas tomorrow. If it goes anything like his trip to Puerto Rico, I'm sure it will be great. Trump has said some not-so-nice things about Puerto Rico over the past week including a tweet that the Puerto Ricans "want everything to be done for them" — says the guy who has never carried a piece of luggage in his entire life.

At a news conference this morning, he regaled those who don't have power yet with hilarity like this: "Mick Mulvaney is here, and he is in charge of a thing called budget. Now, I hate to tell you, Puerto Rico, but you've thrown our budget a little out of whack. We spent a lot of money on Puerto Rico and that's fine." Oh, yeah. Next time you allow a storm to ravage your island, please think about, we're not made out of money; think about the cost. He really puts the a** in compassion, doesn’t he?

Jared Kushner and Ivanka Trump are having a bad week. They sent hundreds of official White House emails from now a third private account. We found out about the first two last week. Most of the emails are reported to have come from Ivanka's assistant, Bridges Lamar, who is NOT a semifinalist on “Project Runway.” She is actually her assistant.

At least six of Trump's closest advisers have been revealed to have used private email addresses to discuss White House business. It’s crazy, considering Ivanka's father based almost his whole campaign on Hillary Clinton's use of a private email server. It was like they missed all that. Jared Kushner's defense is that he only used the email when people initiated contact with him. That's like getting caught with a hooker and saying, “SHE came on to ME!”

This is a real product: Spanx arm tights. You might be familiar with their other name, which is sleeves. Spanx is always coming out with new and exciting body parts for women to feel ashamed of.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

President Trump visited Puerto Rico today, and boy was he surprised when he asked to speak to their president. "What? You have a Donald Trump, too? I want to meet him."

Politico has published a new profile on Robert Mueller and the ongoing Russia investigation, with one reporter saying that asking Mueller for inside information would “be like asking him to watch a porn movie with you.” “I’ll watch a porn movie with you!” said Ted Cruz.

According to reports, officials have begun reviewing emails associated with a third and previously unreported email account on Jared Kushner and Ivanka Trump’s private domain. And this can’t be good: The email is ThisOnesforCollusion (at) javanka.biz.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

Today, 13 days after Hurricane Maria, yet another disaster struck Puerto Rico: Donald Trump visited the island.

Trump addressed the devastation that this hurricane caused to him: “I hate to tell you, Puerto Rico, but you’ve thrown our budget a little out of whack.” What!? The budget is out of whack? That’s like a fireman rescuing you from a burning building and saying, “You do understand what our water bill’s gonna be now, right? Do you have any idea how many sexy calendars we’re going to have to sell just to pay for this?”

Trump even took time to meet with victims of the hurricane. Although, he could use some help with the small talk: [clip of Trump] "We're going to help you out. Have a good time." Have a good time. You're at a disaster site, not working the floor at your casino! "You havin' fun here? Listen, I'm gonna comp you a half a gallon of drinking water. Enjoy your hurricane. Don't forget to tip your FEMA worker."

Sat, 10/14/2017

Joke Day: #4030

From: 10/03/17
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 05

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Today President Trump flew to Puerto Rico. He was like, "These conditions are horrible! How can anyone live like this?" Then an aide said, "Sir, this is LaGuardia. We’re just refueling.”

Today Trump went to Puerto Rico to survey the damage done by the hurricane. And Mike Pence will go there tomorrow, to survey the damage done by the president.

But Trump had a nice visit to Puerto Rico. He said it gave all the First Responders a chance to meet with the Last Responder. Trump told Puerto Rico that the recovery effort really threw his budget “out of whack.” Puerto Rico said, "Well next time there’s a hurricane, we’ll just push the island out of the way, so it won’t get in the way of your budget.”

Scientists have invented a way for you to change channels on your TV with gestures. Yeah, it’s great for people who like watching sports completely still. “Wow! What a catch — nobody move! Oh, now we’re watching Lifetime.”

I saw that Epcot just celebrated its 35th anniversary. It was also the 35th anniversary of the first dad sneaking off to get drunk in Germany.

Conan O'Brien

There’s talk of including video gamers in future Olympics. Olympic gamers would be treated like all other athletes, except they’d be tested for "performance-enhancing ramen."

There’s a rumor that the Lakers are trying to sign LeBron James. They’re telling him, "The weather in L.A. is great, plus as a Laker, you get the entire playoff season off."

To raise money for Puerto Rico, celebrities have been posting pictures online of themselves from puberty. However, after one look at mine, Puerto Rico said, "Haven’t we been through enough?"

President Trump was in Puerto Rico today to survey the hurricane damage. Trump looked around then told the locals, "If I were you, I’d go stay at your second homes."

Germany has just rolled out a new law banning hate speech. The law is tricky to implement because everything sounds like hate speech when it's spoken in German.

Scientists have figured out how to generate electricity from tears. In fact, they say that soon, 10 percent of our renewable energy will come from people watching "This Is Us."

The Late Late Show with James Corden

President Trump finally traveled to Puerto Rico today amid criticism of his response to Hurricane Maria — 95 percent of the island is still without power. So to make sure the people of Puerto Rico don't miss out on his crazy tweets, Donald Trump went there to deliver them in person.

He was there to help. But as soon as Trump heard people speaking Spanish, he threatened to deport them all to Mexico.

But, he was finally there. He was ready to help. Of course, he was on his best behavior. I'm kidding! He complained about how much money it was costing.

There was this weird moment in a church where much needed supplies were unloaded. Donald Trump took out some paper towels and started to softly lob them into the crowd like he was shooting hoops. Now, I don't want to say he's out of touch, but when Trump picked up the paper towels, he was like, "This is fun! What are these things? What? Towels made of paper? Crazy!"

Officials have discovered yet another personal email account that Jared Kushner and Ivanka Trump have been using for official White House business, bringing the total to three. They have three accounts. How much emailing are these two doing that you need three accounts? Pottery Barn doesn't send these many emails. They keep finding more accounts. This is either a massive breach of protocol or Jared Kushner is like the rest of us and can't remember passwords.

Sun, 10/15/2017

Joke Day: #4031

From: 10/04/17
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 06

Jimmy Kimmel Live

NBC News had a story this morning that claimed Secretary of State Rex Tillerson insulted Donald Trump's intelligence. While normally the president is very thick-skinned about this sort of thing, I guess this morning it bothered him. He went on a tweet rage that started at 7:29 a.m.

NBC News reported that during a Cabinet meeting in July, Secretary of State Rex Tillerson called President Trump a moron. If Trump is upset Rex Tillerson called him a moron, wait till he finds out what the rest of the country has been calling him.

According to NBC, Tillerson was on the verge of resigning after that. But Mike Pence talked him out of it. The story was confirmed by CNN, which meant Rex Tillerson, now knowing Donald Trump sees this, had to call a quick press conference this morning to address it before our five-year-old president had a temper tantrum.

"First, my commitment to the success of our president and our country is as strong as it was the day I accepted his offer to serve as secretary of state. The vice president has never had to persuade me to remain as secretary of state because I have never considered leaving this post"… until today.

He's never considered leaving the post? If you work in the Trump White House and you haven't considered leaving, you're either asleep or you're Ben Carson.

This is the first administration where Cabinet secretaries regularly hold press conferences to announce they're not quitting. Usually happens just before they quit. I wish he would have said, "Of course I called him a moron. Everyone calls him a moron. We go around the West Wing going, 'How's the moron today?'"

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Former first lady Michelle Obama yesterday criticized the lack of diversity in Congress. Said Congress, "Not true! We have white men from 50 different states!"

According to ProPublica, Ivanka and Donald Trump Jr. were on the verge of being indicted for felony fraud in 2012. "But I'm too pretty to go to jail!" said the one who isn't.

According to a recent report, the price of legal marijuana has dropped by almost 19 percent this year. Said marijuana users, "Nineteen percent... of what?"

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

Ladies and gentlemen, I have some shocking news. There's chaos in the Trump White House. I didn't know there were enough people left to qualify for chaos.

It all started this morning, when NBC News reported that over the summer, Secretary of State Rex Tillerson openly disparaged Trump by referring to him as a "moron" after a meeting at the Pentagon. Hold on there, Rex! Nobody calls our president a moron except me! And other world leaders. And, ultimately, history.

Of course, Donald Trump is dealing with huge issues right now — Puerto Rico, Las Vegas, sadly, North Korea — so, naturally, he kept his eye on the ball and let this Tillerson story pass. I'm just kidding! This morning he tweeted, “NBC news is #FakeNews and even more dishonest than CNN. They are a disgrace to good reporting.” What's lovely is that in times of trouble, Donald Trump always is there — for himself.

Mon, 10/16/2017

Joke Day: #4032

From: 10/04/17
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 07

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

We have former Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton on the show tonight! I told her it's an honor to have her here, and I can't wait to chat — and she said, "Dude, I'm just here to see Miley."

That's right, both Hillary Clinton AND Miley Cyrus are here. Yep, one recorded a song about a wrecking ball — and the other got more votes than one.

But we're very happy Hillary's here. Backstage, I asked her if she wanted a drink and she said, "Anything but a White Russian."

It just came out that Secretary of State Rex Tillerson called President Trump a "moron" and threatened to quit. You can tell the situation's a mess, cuz Trump started throwing paper towels at it.

It turns out Mike Pence gave Rex Tillerson a "pep talk" to get him to stay on as secretary of State. Cuz nothing screams "pep" like a talk from Mike Pence.

But after it came out that Tillerson called Trump a "moron," Tillerson held a press conference and called the president "smart." Then he said, "Do you think the moron bought it?"

Conan O'Brien

In Pennsylvania, a pro-life congressman is accused of asking his mistress to get an abortion so his wife wouldn't find out about his affair. He defended himself saying, "Hey, when I said I'm pro-life, I meant I'm pro-MY-life."

Historians say that if Prince Harry marries his girlfriend Meghan Markle it will be groundbreaking for the British royal family. Not because Markle's of mixed race, but because they're not related.

It's been reported that last summer, Secretary of State Rex Tillerson called President Trump a "moron" and then was talked out of resigning by Mike Pence. Pence's exact words were "Don't quit, that moron needs you."

Byron Scott, a former coach of the Lakers, had his home broken into and money and valuables stolen. Afterwards, Scott said, "It could be worse, I could still be the coach of the Lakers."

Former boxing champion George Foreman has challenged former action star Steven Seagal to fight him in the ring. And the winner will be our next president.

In France, someone has installed the first ever "Raw Oyster Vending Machine." It's being called innovative by seafood lovers, and the best idea ever by bacteria.

The Late Late Show with James Corden

NBC News reported this morning that Secretary of State Rex Tillerson nearly resigned back in July due to conflicts with President Trump. But Tillerson held an impromptu press conference today to deny the story. Now Tillerson, you may recall, is the former CEO of Exxon Mobil. So, he's used to pretending that nothing is wrong after a damaging toxic leak.

Also in that NBC story, this is the best of it, it was reported that Tillerson had called Trump a "moron." Yeah. So I guess Tillerson isn't so much secretary of state as he is secretary of stating the obvious.

When reporters asked whether it was true that he called Trump a moron, Tillerson said quietly, "I'm not going to deal with petty stuff like that." Which means he definitely called Trump a moron. That is basically an admission of guilt in any situation.

An article published today revealed that Ivanka and Donald Trump Jr. were nearly indicted for fraud back in 2012 for misleading investors. You know what they say — the apple doesn't fall far from the guy who stole a bunch of apples.

The charges were mysteriously dropped after the district attorney received a $25,000 donation to his re-election campaign from, you guessed it, Donald Trump's personal attorney. I know, can you believe that? Meanwhile, Eric Trump has an airtight alibi — he had been left at home with a coloring book.

Tue, 10/17/2017

Joke Day: #4033

From: 10/05/17
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 08

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Vice President Mike Pence will visit Puerto Rico tomorrow. Pence will survey the damage caused when Donald Trump made landfall.

Vice President Pence said in an op-ed yesterday that the U.S. will “lead in space again” under the Trump administration. Space? It took him two weeks to figure out how to get to Puerto Rico.

According to reports, Netflix is raising its prices next month. Wow, that is gonna be quite a burden on whoever’s password I’m using.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

I am so worried about Secretary of State Rex Tillerson. Yesterday, NBC News reported Tillerson was on the verge of resigning his position this summer and had openly disparaged President Trump, referring to him as a “moron.” That’s usually something you say right before you quit. “Hey boss, can I have five minutes of your time? You moron.”

Meanwhile, on Capitol Hill, it looks like Congress might finally do something about gun control. Yesterday, congressional Republicans signaled that they would be open to banning gun conversion kits called “bump stocks,” which take advantage of a semiautomatic gun’s natural recoil, allowing it to bounce back and forth off a shooter’s trigger finger and unleash up to 100 rounds in seven seconds. It’s great for hunting – if you’ve got seven seconds to kill every animal in the forest.

Right now, these devices are totally legal because, according to the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms, a bump stock “Is a firearm part and, therefore, is not regulated as a firearm.” Yes, it’s not a gun, it’s just a part of a gun. Like when your parents find your bong and you tell them, “Hey, there’s no weed in there now, so technically, that is a vase.”

Wed, 10/18/2017

Joke Day: #4034

From: 10/05/17
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 09

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

President Trump just overtook Pope Francis as the most followed world leader on Twitter. The Pope couldn’t believe it – he said, “We both have more than Beyoncé? That can’t be right.”

I guess they could tell Trump passed the Pope when a plume of orange smoke came out of the White House.

Trump has more Twitter followers than Pope Francis. But the Pope doesn’t mind; he said, “My boss only had 12 followers, and he’s still pretty popular.”

O.J. Simpson said that during the nine years he’s been in prison, he hasn’t really changed at all. Then his parole officer said, “Ohhhkay – I guess you’re going back to prison.”

Google just released a pair of headphones that can translate 40 languages instantly. They say it’s a great way to travel to a new country and find out everyone’s making fun of you.

A man from Italy just set a Guinness World Record by putting on 13 pairs of underwear in 30 seconds. On the downside, he’s now banned from Victoria’s Secret.

The Late Late Show with James Corden

Following yesterday’s story that Secretary of State Rex Tillerson called Trump a moron, this morning Donald Trump went on a Twitter rant, saying, “This is fake news put out by NBC. Low news and reporting standards.” Now, he may be right about NBC having low standards. They did air 14 seasons of “The Apprentice.”

After posting the initial story about Tillerson calling Trump a moron, NBC journalists then shot back, saying that Tillerson actually called him a [bleeping] moron. I take it back about them having low standards. I think this is NBC’s greatest comeback since “Will & Grace.”

Archaeologists believe they have found the tomb of St. Nicholas beneath an ancient church in Turkey. St. Nicholas, of course, is the basis for the legend of Santa Claus. And they think they found him. Which means now when my son asks me if Santa is real, I can confidently say, “Yes! He is dead though. That’s why you didn’t get that bike.”

Jimmy Kimmel Live

So this was the closest thing I could find. A group of Turkish archaeologists claimed they’ve uncovered the final resting place of St. Nicholas, Old St. Nick. How do you explain that to kids? “I have some good news about Santa and some bad news. Good news is he was real. Santa is real – and Santa is dead.”

Of course Santa is dead, you force a guy to eat a billion cookies in one night, what do you think is going to happen?

They found this tomb below the St. Nicholas church in Antalya. They believe the body inside is the fourth-century saint the church is named after, which makes sense. One of the archaeologists said, “We will reach the ground and maybe find the untouched body of St. Nicholas” – and thus the most depressing animated Christmas special ever was born.

It makes you wonder: If Santa is dead, whose lap have my children been sitting on? Just when you think the week wouldn’t get any worse, Santa’s dead and he’s rotting under a Turkish church.

President Trump is still fuming about this Rex Tillerson story. It was reported yesterday Secretary of State Rex Tillerson wanted to resign earlier this year and referred to the president as a “effing moron” at a meeting. Trump tweeted multiple times yesterday, insisting the story was fake. Tillerson decided to hold a press conference at which he denied ever wanting to resign, but did not answer the moron question. That’s got the president’s little thumbs tingling. This morning he again tweeted, “Why isn’t the Senate Intel Committee looking into the fake news networks in our country to see why so much of our news is just made up, fake!” I guess he’s moved on from Puerto Rico and Las Vegas.

The Senate Intel Committee, by the way, is busy right now looking into the fake news stories the Russians made up to help Trump win the election. The other irony is no one, no breathing human on planet Earth, produces more fake news than Donald Trump. This is Donald Trump’s rating on PolitiFact, the nonpartisan fact-checking organization: According to them only 5 percent of the things that come out of his mouth are true. More than two-thirds, 69 percent, are either mostly false, false, or pants on fire false.

This is another chart, from The Washington Post. Over the last 232 days, Donald Trump has made 1,145 claims that are false or misleading. And that’s just the stuff he says in public. Donald Trump is a tornado of fake news. He’s the Michael Jordan, Elvis Presley, and Great Wall of China of fake news combined. Donald Trump criticizing fake news is like Hugh Hefner criticizing fake breasts.

Thu, 10/19/2017

Joke Day: #4035

From: 10/09/17
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 10

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Vice president Mike Pence left the stadium before yesterday’s game between the Indianapolis Colts and San Francisco 49ers after several players on the 49ers kneeled in protest during the national anthem. Wow, dude, if you’re that easily offended, do not look to your right. You’ll be shocked.

Senator Bob Corker is continuing to escalate his feud with President Trump, telling The New York Times that Trump is on the path to World War III. Said Trump, “I have bone spurs, I can't go to World War III, I have bone spurs in my foot. Oh, you got to get me out of this. It's my right foot — no my left — it doesn't matter. I can’t go — my feet — it’s my feet! They’re all wrong!”

In an interview this morning, Kellyanne Conway defended Vice President Pence for walking out of an NFL game yesterday, saying, “It takes a lot to get that man’s blood boiling.” “But boiling it takes all the flavor out,” said Eric. “Don’t ruin your blood!”

And finally, today was Thanksgiving Day in Canada. Of course, in Canada, every day is Thanksgiving day. “Thanks for the ticket, Officer!” “Hey, thanks for speeding.”

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

There's a lot to talk about — full docket tonight — ‘because this weekend brought us another bumper crop of Trump, a Trumper crop. Was it Sunday? On Sunday, Trump went after fellow Republican, Tennessee senator, and man reading the dollar menu, Bob Corker. You see, last Wednesday, Corker uncorked about how badly Trump needs his advisers. I’m pretty sure “Chaos” is Trump’s nickname for his iPhone.

In response, Trump tweeted: “Senator Bob Corker ‘begged’ me to endorse him for re-election in Tennessee. I said ‘NO,’ and he dropped out— said he could not win without. . . my endorsement. He also wanted to be secretary of state, I said 'no thanks.' He is also largely responsible for the horrendous Iran deal!” “Also, and this is unforgivable, last year he worked very hard to get me elected. Thanks, Bob.” “Really, so good. He worked so hard. So amazing. I love you, Bob. Go to hell.” But at least he was able to get this off his chest and move on to more important . . . hence, I would fully expect Corker to be a negative voice and stand in the way of our great agenda. Didn’t have the guts to run!” Yeah, Corker doesn't have the guts to run. And he’s qualified. Imagine how brave Trump must be.

Fri, 10/20/2017

Joke Day: #4036

From: 10/09/17
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 11

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Vice President Mike Pence left the Colts game yesterday after some of the 49ers kneeled during the national anthem. Also, because he heard the phrase “man on man” and got really uncomfortable.

I read that the cost of Pence’s trip to the game was $200,000 if you factor in the flying, security, and hotel rooms, plus the ice cream in the helmet Trump asked him to bring back.

Hey, you guys, today is Columbus Day. But I read that some cities are observing Indigenous People’s Day instead. While most people said, “Call it whatever you want, as long as we get a mattress for 30 percent off.” That’s all we really want.

In his speech today, Trump called Christopher Columbus a skilled navigator. Then, at his Comic-Con speech, he called Darth Vader a good dad.

Harvey Weinstein was fired by his company yesterday for being accused of sexual harassment. Not good. They said if he keeps it up, he’ll wind up with his own show on Fox News.

The Late Late Show with James Corden

On Sunday Republican Sen. Bob Corker got into a Twitter feud with President Trump that ended with Corker posting, “It's a shame the White House has become an adult day care center. Someone obviously missed their shift this morning.” It is funny, but Corker’s tweet is not entirely accurate. A day care center would imply that someone there is actually in charge.

But then late Sunday morning, Bob Corker gave an interview and he said it concerned him that Trump runs the White House “like he’s doing ‘The Apprentice.’” Again, not entirely accurate. On “The Apprentice” only one person got fired per week.

In other White House news — I'm sure you saw this — yesterday Vice President Mike Pence attended the Indianapolis Colts game for about 15 minutes. Pence left at the beginning of the game in protest to football players kneeling during the national anthem. Now let’s be honest, Pence would have left anyway as soon as he saw an unmarried couple on the kiss-cam.

Actually, the real reason Pence left the game early was because he found the mascot’s outfit far too revealing.

It’s being reported that this planned publicity stunt by Pence cost taxpayers about $1 million. To which Puerto Rico says, hey, how is that budget coming along?

Also over the weekend, some shocking news out of Hollywood: After new allegations emerge that he had engaged in decades of sexual harassment, Harvey Weinstein was fired from his firm the Weinstein Company for violating the company’s very strict 27 strikes and you’re out rule.

Hurricane Harvey was like, “Dude, you’re giving me a bad name.”

The fact is, his behavior left room for only two options: fire him from the Weinstein Company or elect him president of the United States.

Do you remember AOL instant messenger? It was like the precursor to modern day texting. Last week AOL announced it will be shutting down AIM in December. I know. I know. This is devastating news for three of you.

The company released a statement. They said from setting the perfect away message to that familiar ring of an incoming chat, AIM will always have a special place in our hearts. They sent that statement in an email, which people will find three months from now in their Gmail spam folder.

But a December shutdown isn’t good enough for some people. Today Mike Pence said he wants instant messenger shut down immediately, because that little AOL guy is suspiciously close to taking a knee.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

My wife and I went to a wedding in central California on the weekend. On the way home, our electric car ran out of, er, electric. I went and got a flu shot at Walmart while it was charging for three hours. And I got in a fight with the president’s son on Twitter. So just a normal, regular — you know, the usual weekend.

On Saturday morning, my wife woke me up with the phone in her hand because President Trump tweeted the following, “Late night hosts are dealing with the Democrats for their very unfunny and repetitive material. Always anti-Trump. Should we get equal time?” Which is an interesting question. Especially as the president tweeted this demand for equal time after watching Fox & Friends breathlessly drool about how great he is for three hours straight. As far as being repetitive goes, I agree with Donald Trump. I hate it when people are repetitive [shows clips of Trump repeating words and phrases].

We got that out of the way. Put the tweet up again. Because he took the time with those little thumbs to put the word “unfunny” in quotes, which means we have a president who doesn’t know how air quotes work. We basically have Joey from “Friends” running this country. I responded to President Joey. Then Little Joey — Donald J. Trump Jr., DJTJ— replied to me after I replied to his father.

People are pointing to the fact that Harvey Weinstein was a Clinton supporter — I'm not defending Hillary Clinton. Fact is, her campaign did take money from what turned out to be a high-profile man who has been accused of sexual harassment multiple times. Not just one. She took money from Harvey Weinstein and Donald Trump, who donated to Hillary's campaign. Note to DJTJ Next time you are defending your father, you think it’s good to draw a comparison between him and a sexual predator? Don’t. Doesn’t help.

But anyway — I did make a promise. I did promise a Harvey Weinstein joke. Here it goes. What's the difference between Harvey Weinstein and the Pillsbury dough boy? When the Pillsbury dough boy offers you a roll, he doesn’t ask you to take a shower for it. There you go.

This is the number one Trump feud of the day, if not the year so far. Donald Trump’s first wife, Ivana, not to be confused with Ivanka, has a new book coming out tomorrow called “Raising Trump,” in which she talks about what a great job she did raising those kids. And there’s interesting nuggets in the book. She claims when pregnant with her first child, Trump told her he didn’t want to name him Donald Jr. because, and I quote, “What if he’s a loser?” And now every time they talk, he’s like, I told you we shouldn't — anyway.

Sat, 10/21/2017

Joke Day: #4037

From: 10/10/17
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 12

Late Night With Seth Meyers

The New Yorker today released audio of fired Hollywood movie producer Harvey Weinstein begging a model to come into his hotel room and watch him shower. And by the looks of him, I’m guessing that shower never happened.

White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders today said that President Trump’s comment that he has a higher IQ than Secretary of State Rex Tillerson was a joke and told reporters they should “get a sense of humor.” They should get a sense of humor? You’re the one who always looks like she just found a joint in her son’s Bible.

A CNN anchor said yesterday that Sen. Bob Corker’s recent criticism of President Trump was his way of “planting seeds” to call into question Trump’s fitness for office. You’re just now planting seeds? I think it’s harvest time.

President Trump gave an exclusive interview to Forbes and teased a new economic development bill that he says is “both a carrot and a stick." Incidentally, “carrot and stick” are also Trump and Melania’s Secret Service code names.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

So far it has been a rough start to the school year for Donald Trump. His report card is definitely going to say, "Has problems working and playing well with others." And there's not much we can do. What can we do? Because the Oval Office doesn't have any corners. You can't put him in a time out.

Secretary of State Rex Tillerson was in the middle of tense negotiations about North Korea and their nuclear program, when Trump tweeted that Tillerson was "Wasting his time trying to negotiate with little rocket man." Everybody knows there is no better way to defuse a tense nuclear standoff than with insult humor.

Who can forget during the Cuban Missile Crisis when Kennedy tweeted, "Cueball @Khrushchev and Lil' Beardy don't have the [guts]. I double-dog dare you to push the button."

Today in an interview with Forbes, Trump defended his actions towards Tillerson, saying, "He was wasting his time. I'm not undermining. I think I'm actually strengthening authority." Yes, I'm not burning your house down. I'm lowering your heating bills.

Sun, 10/22/2017

Joke Day: #4038

From: 10/10/17
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 13

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

President Trump is back to golfing, and he played with Lindsey Graham yesterday and said it was “wet and windy.” But luckily, some people from Puerto Rico came and threw their paper towels at him.

This morning, Trump went on Twitter and talked about signing an executive order on healthcare, saying that he’d use "the power of the pen." Or in his case, the "command of the crayon."

I read that the U.S. is suspending visa applications from Turkey. Trump was like, “Don’t worry, we’ll have them back for Thanksgiving.”

I read that Trump stages his photos so that you can’t see his double chin. In response, Trump was like, (LOOKS WAY UP) “Fake news!”

Another big story is this Harvey Weinstein scandal. Today, some very serious allegations came out about his sexual misconduct. You can tell they’re bad, cuz Anthony Weiner just unfriended him.

A coach for the Miami Dolphins had to resign after a video surfaced of him snorting white powder. Afterwards, the team was like, “So THAT’S why the 50-yard line kept disappearing.”

The Late Late Show with James Corden

The feud between Republican Sen. Bob Corker and President Donald Trump is getting worse. After Corker criticized Trump in a New York Times interview, Trump made fun of Corker's height today by tweeting this, "The Failing @nytimes set Liddle' Bob Corker up by recording his conversation. Was made to sound a fool, and that's what I am dealing with!" There are so many things that bother me about this tweet. But the worst thing has to be this apostrophe. What is that apostrophe doing there? There's no reason for it. It's like Trump is just mashing the keyboard.

So, Donny made fun of little Bobby for being short. If you're just joining us, no, I'm not reporting things my 6-year-old saw on the playground today. I'm sharing news from the White House.

Today Trump actually wrote a hand-written apology letter to Corker. But, when he went to give it to him, he was like, "Come on, little Bobby, can't you grab it? What's wrong? It's right here. Whoa, almost!"

In that tweet, Trump insinuates that the New York Times set up Bob Corker by recording him, but the transcript actually shows that they had Corker's full consent. When Trump heard that, he said, "Wait, what's 'consent?'"

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Last week we learned that Rex Tillerson was quoted as calling Trump an "effing moron" behind his back. Trump tweeted the story was false. Clearly this is still eating at the president. This morning in a new interview with Forbes Magazine, they asked him about it and he said, "I think it's fake news. If he did that, I guess we'll have to compare IQ tests and I can tell you who was going to win." Rex Tillerson, right?

No intelligent person would get into an IQ contest with his own secretary of state. At this point I'm not sure Donald Trump could finish the maze on the back of a Denny's kids' menu.

I would definitely pay $100 to watch Rex Tillerson and Donald Trump take IQ tests against each other. And I guarantee the next day, Kellyanne Conway would be saying that the lower the number, the better the score.

Mon, 10/23/2017

Joke Day: #4039

From: 10/11/17
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 14

Jimmy Kimmel Live

The big story out of the BET show was Eminem launching a five-minute freestyle attack on Donald Trump. It was very well done. He found a way to rhyme the word “orange,” which previously had been thought impossible.

It was a blistering condemnation of the president, especially interesting because at one time Donald Trump endorsed Eminem for president. Now he’s a “loooser!” Trump is so [ticked], he just revoked Dr. Dre’s medical license.

Vanity Fair had a story today that says Trump told his long-time security chief, “I hate everyone in the White House.” The White House responded today by saying “the president’s mood is good and his outlook on the agenda is very positive.” Imagine, the White House has to announce the president’s mood is good.

The report also says he’s not getting along with his chief of staff, Gen. John Kelly. In response to that the president tweeted — as he rarely does, but he decided this story is totally made up by the dishonest media — “the Chief is doing a FANTASTIC job for me and, more importantly, for the USA.” So Chief’s gone by, what, Monday, Tuesday tops?

Trump has an interesting way of answering questions about John Kelly whenever they ask what he thinks of him: “He’s a general.” That’s like being asked what you think of your steak and you say, “It was a cow.”

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Lindsay Lohan today defended movie producer Harvey Weinstein amid allegations of sexual harassment, saying that she feels “very bad” for him and she doesn’t “think it’s right what’s going on.” At which point her friend said, “Lindsay, that’s a manatee.”

Taylor Swift announced she is launching a new app called “The Swift Life” that will feature “Taymojis,” which are emojis that look like her. And they all have one thing in common – they’re all surprised.

Apple is reportedly designing an iPhone with a foldable display. “We’re getting ready to fold too!” said BlackBerry.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

Over the summer, Trump met with top military officials and said he wanted a nearly tenfold increase in the U.S. nuclear arsenal. A tenfold increase? Excuse me while I onefold into the fetal position.

A tenfold increase. Why tenfold? Why not a thousandfold? Is ten just how high he can count? “I want it more by this many.”

We could be reaching a whole new level of angry Trump because a report out today says people close to the president say he is “unstable,” “losing a step,” and “unraveling.” So keep in mind that means, up till now, he’s been “raveled.”

So why is he unraveling? Well, he reportedly told his longtime personal security chief, “I hate everyone in the White House!” Mr. President, I know exactly how you feel.

Tue, 10/24/2017

Joke Day: #4040

From: 10/11/17
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 15

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

This morning, President Trump went on a Twitter rant about “fake news,” and threatened to revoke NBC’s broadcast license. Americans are like, “Hey! You can threaten our democracy, but you do NOT mess with ‘This Is Us.’”

I read that Kim Jong Un wants to make the site of his missile launches a tourist destination for families. But for kids to go on the rides, they must be taller than Kim Jong Un.

The U.S. men’s soccer team failed to qualify for the World Cup after losing to Trinidad and Tobago last night. In response, Trump was like, “Why did America have to play TWO countries at the same time?! Rigged!”

Amazon just announced that teens can now shop on their parents’ accounts, but the order will only go through if Mom and Dad approve it. Or if they click the button that says, “Mom and Dad approve it.”

Amazon is also working with a company to deliver items to the trunk of your car. The company has an interesting name — “The Mafia.”

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

I didn’t even know that television networks had licenses. Did you know this? If that is the case, where did Fox News get their license? Is it from some guy selling fake IDs behind a liquor store?

The Late Late Show with James Corden

An article today revealed that during a national security meeting last summer, Donald Trump said that he wanted to increase the number of America’s nuclear weapons by tenfold. Ten fold. Trump would have gone higher than tenfold but he ran out of fingers to count them on.

Now this was all part of the same meeting where Secretary of State Rex Tillerson reportedly called Trump a moron. Although let’s be honest, we’ve all heard Donald Trump speak — that could have been any meeting.

Trump denies that he asked for more nuclear weapons and he says this story is fake news. This morning he tweeted “with all of the fake news coming out of NBC and the networks, at what point is it appropriate to challenge their License. Bad for country.” A better question would be at what point is it appropriate to capitalize the word “License.” For grammar, there is no reason for a capital L.

I didn’t even know that television networks had licenses. Did you know this? If that is the case, where did Fox News get their license? Is it from some guy selling fake IDs behind a liquor store?

Last night the rapper Eminem attacked President Trump in a freestyle rap video that aired at the BET Awards. The title of Eminem’s rap is “The Storm,” so naturally Donald Trump reacted by throwing rolls of paper towels at it.

Eminem’s lyrics were politically charged. He defended the NFL players who have been kneeling during the national anthem, and later Donald Trump responded with his own rap that went, “Will the NFL players please stand up, please stand up, please stand up.”

Wed, 10/25/2017

Joke Day: #4041

From: 10/12/17
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 16

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Following the aftermath of Hurricane Maria, President Trump tweeted this morning that the White House cannot keep FEMA, the military, and first responders in Puerto Rico forever. Forever? It’s been three weeks! That’s like saying you worked with Scaramucci forever.

What’s your hurry? We still have troops in Germany! What are they doing, checking Hitler’s pulse? Look, we can afford to keep troops in Puerto Rico until long after you’ve left the White House. Maybe even until Christmas.

White House Chief of Staff John Kelly gave the daily press briefing today, and said his job is not to control President Trump — it’s to FIND President Trump. “Donald, where are you? Time to run the country, big guy. Donald?”

During the press briefing today, John Kelly said that President Trump’s tweets don’t make his job more difficult. Really? Because they’re making mine impossible. Do you have any idea what I would give to be making a Hillary Clinton pantsuit joke right now?

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

For the last 24 hours, Donald Trump has been the president of busy town. This morning, he signed an executive order to get rid of some key provisions of Obamacare. For instance, the care part.

Trump made a big show of it in the White House, gathered a bunch of people in there, invited the media, bragged about how great it was gonna be. Then came the big moment, the signing. [clip of Trump leaving podium without signing] He forgot to sign the order! That is troubling. At the signing, he forgot to do the signing. But, on the plus side, let’s hope he forgets the launch codes.

Thu, 10/26/2017

Joke Day: #4042

From: 10/12/17
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 17

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

A big story right now is this Vanity Fair article about the White House. They say that Trump’s becoming unhinged, and that he recently shouted, “I hate everyone in the White House!” But later, he clarified his remarks, saying, “Except for me. I still like me a lot.”

Yeah, Trump apparently had an outburst and yelled, “I hate everyone in the White House!” When Mike Pence tried to calm him down, Trump said, “Go away! You’re not even my REAL dad!”

The article also said that Trump and Chief of Staff John Kelly have gotten into a lot of shouting matches. One time Trump got so angry, he punched the tiniest hole in the wall. You can actually use it to look at the eclipse.

I saw that Ikea’s teaming up with Amazon to sell its furniture online. They say it’s perfect for couples who want to argue in the comfort of their own home.

A new study finds that parents DO actually have a favorite child. The survey also finds if you have to ask – it ain’t you.

The Late Late Show with James Corden

An explosive new article about the White House in Vanity Fair magazine says according to staffers, Donald Trump is actually moodier and more erratic every day, and recently confided in one White House aide, “I hate everyone in the White House. There are a few exceptions but I hate them.” Is this guy the president of the United States or a cast member on “Big Brother?”

In the article, aides who are close to Donald Trump describe him as “unstable,” “losing a step” and “unraveling.” Meanwhile those of us NOT close to Donald Trump are like, “Yep, I’ve used those words too.”

Trump is basically like an old Christmas sweater. He’s unraveling and you have to pretend you like him in front of your grandmother.

There was an odd moment today when Trump held a ceremony to sign an executive order but he forgot the one important part of the signing ceremony, which is the part where you sign. He wandered off early, and Mike Pence had to pull him back [shows clip]: “Mr. President, you need to sign it.” Donald Trump seems to be the only person on the planet who is able to forget that Donald Trump is the president.

I guess watching this, the good news is there is no way that man remembers the nuclear codes.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Early this morning at 1:42 a.m., an asteroid passed by the Earth, missed us by 26,000 miles. Which in space terms is close. In fact, the asteroid was planning to hit us, then it saw what’s going on down here and said, “You know what? I’m going to keep going that way, I want no part of that.”

President Trump this morning got to work doing the damage the asteroid couldn’t. Today he signed an executive order that threatens to cripple the Affordable Care Act, Obamacare. He tweeted, “Since Congress can’t get its act together on healthcare, I’ll be using the power of the pen to give great healthcare to many people fast.” This is big — usually when Trump uses the power of the pen, it’s to declare bankruptcy.

Meanwhile the president’s inexplicable battle with Puerto Rico rages on. Trump fired off a trio of early-morning tweets saying Puerto Rico’s infrastructure was a disaster before Hurricane Maria, blaming them for their own financial problems, and warning that the government won’t be there to help them indefinitely. And also, those paper towels? He wants those back.

Trump’s chief of staff, Gen. John Kelly, had a rare press conference — I think it may have been his first press conference as chief of staff — to announce reports of his demise have been bigly exaggerated [clip of Kelly]: “I’m not getting fired.” So you know what that means, right? He’s fired!

Fri, 10/27/2017

Joke Day: #4043

From: 10/17/17
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 18

Jimmy Kimmel Live

It seems like every time we come to Brooklyn something weird happens, and sure enough this afternoon, something weird happened. Breaking news out of Brooklyn, a cow was on the loose. In L.A. we go through a similar thing every time Gary Busey gets out of his pen.

This cow was actually a baby bull, it escaped from a slaughterhouse. The only slaughter house in Brooklyn that hasn't been converted into an art gallery/event space. It ended up on a soccer field, which any parent can tell you that's the worst place to be.

It took two hours to get ahold of this baby bull. The police were finally able to wrangle it and I believe it was charged with endangerment. This is the first cow chase if two years. I think you might be going a little overboard the farm to table thing.

The bull is being sent to a rehabilitation facility for misbehaving cows. That's the good news. The bad news is it is also where they sent Harvey Weinstein.

Sat, 10/28/2017

Joke Day: #4044

From: 10/18/17
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 19

Jimmy Kimmel Live

We are broadcasting all this week from the Howard Gillman opera house from the Brooklyn academy of music. I love Brooklyn, but I want to be honest the real reason we're here is to get as far out of North Korea's missile range as possible.

Tonight in the Bronx, the Yankees right now are playing the Astros in game five of the American league championship series. Apparently the Astros are now in the American league, which still doesn't feel right to me.

Let me just say something as a Mets fan. The Yankees may have more World Series rings than anyone but they'll never have what the Mets have, a mascot with a giant baseball for a head. That belongs to us.

Not only was tonight game five of the ALCS, the first game of the new NBA season for the Brooklyn Nets. The Knicks and the Nets, according to Las Vegas, have the worst odds of winning the title this season of any teams in the NBA. The odds are 1,000-1. Which means if you were to bet $100 on the Knicks or Nets you would lose $100.

Sun, 10/29/2017

Joke Day: #4045

From: 10/19/17
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 20

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Last night I wanted to feel like I live here so I did maybe the most New York thing a person can do. I put on a big, puffy jacket, went down to the subway, and forced people to buy my mix tape.

Went to see Bruce Springsteen last night on Broadway. And you're not going to believe this, he was great. Turns out he's really great. Bruce almost restored my faith in America last night. And then the president tweeted and it was gone again.

Have you seen these? This is a real thing, the dog parker, a place to park your dog. It was invented by a woman here in Brooklyn who describes herself as a dog mom. She said she wanted to go more places with her dog, but wasn't comfortable going into a shop to get coffee without locking her best friend in a miniature prison.

The door is controlled by an app, you pay and the app opens the door, put your pet in and it locks, which is perfect if you want to steal a doghouse with a dog already in it.

A quick way to know you shouldn't have a dog is if you think locking it in an easy bake oven while you get coffee is a good idea.

Mon, 10/30/2017

Joke Day: #4046

From: 10/23/17
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 21

Jimmy Kimmel Live

The Dodgers in the World Series. They are playing the Astros tomorrow night. The Dodgers haven’t been to the World Series since 1988. That is a long time ago. That is before anyone knew what a Kardashian was. Most people at that time thought it was an auto part.

Yesterday, the NFL announced that Justin Timberlake is going to do the Super Bowl halftime show. This will be his first Super Bowl halftime performance since 2004 when he was part of the Janet Jackson wardrobe malfunction. Remember when Janet the Jackson exposing a breast was the worst thing about America? Justin Timberlake promised there would be no wardrobe malfunction because everyone on stage would be nude start to finish.

President Trump is planning to release a treasure trove, thousands of classified documents connected to the assassination of John F. Kennedy. This is of intense interest to historians and conspiracy theorists. This is a bombshell. The real killer is not Lee Harvey Oswald. It was a 16-year-old Hillary Clinton. Isn’t that something?

The White House released a statement saying the president believes the documents should be made available in the interest of full transparency. His tax returns, however, will remain secret forever, no matter what.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

First lady Melania Trump visited a middle school in Detroit today where she began her anti-bullying campaign by speaking to the students and joining them for lunch. Meanwhile Donald Trump had lunch in the White House cafeteria and clapped when someone dropped their tray.

Red Lobster announced today that it will start delivering its food in New York City through a partnership with Grubhub. Because if there’s one thing that will make discount seafood even better, it’s 20 minutes on the back of a bike. Just think, that shrimp is going down 8th Avenue as we speak.

Playboy is featuring its first ever transgender Playmate in its November issue. And if you think that’s not natural, neither are any of the other Playmates.

According to Ivana Trump’s new book, President Trump once left his son Donald Trump Jr. stranded on a tarmac after he was five minutes late for a flight. Even worse, Eric’s been in an overhead bin for the last two years.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

This weekend five former [presidents] teamed up at a benefit to raise money for hurricane relief. President Trump couldn’t be there to help the victims of flooding because — and this is true — he was working on his own water hazards.

On Saturday, Trump tweet-nounced an exciting new development: “I will be allowing, as president, the long blocked and classified JFK files to be opened.” That’s right, the documents will be released by the National Archives this Thursday... is what they WANT you to think. Are we expected to believe that a single national archives could release all these documents? And what is a national archive but a fancy word for “Book Depository?” Think about it. I haven’t.

Now, Trump’s not really throwing open the files. The release of the documents was actually mandated to occur this month under a 1992 law. So this was scheduled. And he’s taking credit for it. ”I’ve given it some thought, and I’ve come to the decision that I will be allowing Christmas to happen this year. You’re welcome, Whoville.”

Tue, 10/31/2017

Joke Day: #4047

From: 10/23/17
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 22

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

President Trump announced that he’s releasing thousands of files on JFK even though they were already set to be released. And he said, “Not only that, I’m declaring October 31st Halloween.” We’ll all be saying Merry Halloween again.

I want to say congratulations to John Stamos who just got engaged to his girlfriend. Hey John, congratulations. She’s just 31, and he’s somehow ... still 31. The guy can’t age! He looks fantastic.

Developers are working on a hyper loop that could get you from Washington, D.C., to New York City in just 29 minutes. And once you are here, you can take a subway from Penn Station to Times Square in just four hours.

I heard that people in Hawaii are stealing cans of Spam and reselling them. So if you think you’re having a rough day, imagine being the guy waiting on the corner for his Spam dealer. “Where is this guy? Come on, where is this guy? Come on, get here man.”

A couple in Orlando who ordered plastic storage bins on Amazon got a delivery filled with 65 pounds of weed. They were like, “Wow, Amazon Prime is even better than we thought.”

Conan O'Brien

The latest rumor in Washington is President Trump is looking for a replacement for Secretary of State Rex Tillerson. After hearing the job entails constant trips out of the country, Melania volunteered.

Trump announced that he will release over 3,000 classified files relating to the Kennedy assassination. Spoiler alert: Apparently Hillary did it.

Harvey Weinstein just finished a week-long stay at a rehab clinic for sex addiction. Apparently he would’ve have stayed longer, but all the other sex addicts thought Weinstein was too creepy.

A couple ordered a package from Amazon and included with their stuff was 65 pounds of marijuana. It was only then that the couple realized that they’d accidentally signed up for “Amazon Primo.”

Everyone’s OK, but last Friday, Dr. Phil hit a skateboarder with his car. Dr. Phil was overheard yelling, “Quick, somebody, get a real doctor.”

The Late Late Show with James Corden

Over the weekend, Sen. John McCain appeared to take a swipe at Donald Trump’s lack of military service. He said that during the Vietnam War a lot of rich people got out of the draft by claiming they had bone spurs. And as you may know Donald Trump famously got out of service in Vietnam due to bone spurs. Now, if you don’t know what bone spurs are, don’t worry, Donald Trump doesn’t know either.

But seriously, bone spurs can make walking very difficult, unless you carry a bag of golf clubs; apparently, then it’s fine.

McCain called Trump out for being a pampered rich boy but the good news is it looks like Trump will get out of the military again after suffering from McCain’s sick burn. Trump got out of going to Vietnam five times, and now he’s the president of the United States. So including the World Series, 2017 has been a great year for dodgers.

Speaking of people taking shots at Donald Trump, Snoop Dogg has taken aim at the president once again in his new single called ”Make America Crip Again.” A representative of Snoop explained that with “Make America Crip Again,” Snoop’s intention is to, quote, “unite, not divide.” Because what organization could be more unifying than the South Central L.A. street gang the Crips.

After this came out, the street gang the Bloods actually tried to recruit Donald Trump. Yeah. But he can’t, ’cuz you know he has got those bone spurs.

It was revealed this week that Justin Bieber has covered his entire torso with an elaborate tattoo. We have a picture of it here. I mean, come on. Like I needed another good reason to stare deeply into Bieber’s abs.

Did you guys see this conspiracy theory that was going around the internet last week? People claim that Melania Trump had a body double impersonate her during an appearance with her husband. And if you think that is weird, Donald Trump has been impersonating a president for almost a year.

Sun, 11/05/2017

Joke Day: #4048

From: 10/24/17
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 23

Jimmy Kimmel Live

It was 102 in L.A. today. Not 100, 102. It is almost Halloween. It used to be cold here on Halloween. We don’t wear skimpy Halloween costumes to be sexy, we wear them to survive.

If the temperature holds up, Game 1 tonight between the Dodgers and Astros will be the hottest World Series game ever. The first two games are in Los Angeles. And then it moves to a cooler climate, the Gobi Desert.

This is the Dodgers’ first World Series in almost 30 years. Since 1988. It is a tough ticket to come by. The average ticket price for Game 1 was about $1,300. To put that in perspective, right now a ticket to the World Series is worth more than the Weinstein Company.

There is a major scandal in the world of the Iditarod. It turns out some of the dogs in the race are on drugs. Dogs belonging to the four-time musher tested positive for a banned substance. Officials became suspicious when one of the dogs stood on its hind legs and lifted the sled over its head in celebration.

These are powerful drugs. Opioids. These are the same drugs Santa uses to make his reindeer fly.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

A protester posing as a journalist threw Russian flags at President Trump as he arrived at the Capitol today. And, this is weird, Trump signed them and threw them back.

Sen. Bob Corker said today that President Trump will be remembered for, quote, “the debasement of our nation.” Said Trump, “Fake news! I never go down to debasement! That’s where we keep Eric.”

Tomorrow is Ivanka Trump and Jared Kushner’s 8th wedding anniversary. Said Donald Trump, “Anniversaries go up to 8?!”

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

I don’t know if you’re paying attention, but internal strife is tearing the Republican Party apart at the seams. It’s like a new Civil War, only neither side is trying to help black people.

The latest shots from Fort Trumpter are against Tennessee Sen. Bob Corker. Corker and Trump have been fighting, head to head like two rams, for a while now. You might recall that Corker called the White House “an adult day care center.” OK, clever. Not entirely accurate — with Trump, you also need a night shift.

Mon, 11/06/2017

Joke Day: #4049

From: 10/24/17
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 24

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Everybody’s talking about this big feud between President Trump and Republican Sen. Bob Corker. They were fighting AGAIN. Today, Corker said that Trump is a bad role model for children. And Trump said, “Not true! I’ve even proven that a child can be elected president!”

Corker also tweeted about Trump’s behavior and said, “Alert the day care staff.” Trump was so mad, he squeezed his juice box, and it went all over his tie.

Republican Sen. Jeff Flake announced he that he will not seek re-election, and said the GOP was headed in the wrong direction. Or, as Trump called it, “Flake news!”

Delta is hiring 1,000 new flight attendants, and it’s a very tough tryout. When pushing the beverage cart, you have to slam into at LEAST 12 passengers’ knees.

I read about a woman in Pennsylvania who celebrated her 94th birthday by jumping out of a plane. She thought she was just walking into the bathroom — but still, good for her to just experience that!

Conan O'Brien

Bill O’Reilly revealed that he is mad at God for putting him through his sexual harassment scandal. Today, God refused to comment; instead, she just laughed.

President Trump and Republican Sen. Bob Corker are in a feud after Corker compared the White House to a day care center. When they heard this, 3-year-olds everywhere said, “Oh no — do not lump us in with that guy.”

The average ticket for tonight’s Dodgers-Astros World Series game is about $3,000. Isn’t that crazy? For that kind of money, you could see half of “Hamilton.”

The opening game of the World Series is here in Los Angeles and it’s 104 degrees outside. So, think of this: While none of us are at the World Series, at least we have air conditioning.

A California elementary school is under fire for putting up a Donald Trump scarecrow. Even worse, 30 percent of the crows still think the Trump scarecrow is doing a great job.

Foreign policy experts say that the president of China is now the world’s most powerful person. As you can imagine, that came as quite a shock to Beyoncé.

Nickelodeon has fired a male producer after multiple accusations of sexual harassment. He’s the creator of Nickelodeon’s “SpongeBob No-Pants.”

The Late Late Show with James Corden

President Trump and Republican Sen. Bob Corker have now re-ignited their feud. In an interview this morning, Corker slammed Trump and his foreign policy. President Trump, of course, responded on Twitter. In a series of tweets, Trump called Corker a “lightweight,” he called him “incompetent,” and he mocked his height by once again calling him “Liddle Bob Corker.” So, looks like the first lady’s anti-bullying initiative still has a ways to go.

At one point, Corker told reporters that Trump’s legacy will be “the debasement of our nation.” Yeah, debasement. As in, when Trump starts a war, I’ll be hiding in de basement.

Then Trump responded by tweeting that Corker couldn’t get elected dog catcher in Tennessee. For the record, Corker is a sitting senator from Tennessee. He got elected twice. Before that, Corker was elected mayor of Chattanooga, Tennessee. So, Mr. President, you’re right. He couldn’t get elected dog catcher, because he’s too busy getting elected to every other job in that state.

Today was the opening game of the World Series at Dodger Stadium, and it was one of the hottest on record, with temperatures around 97 degrees. That’s so hot. If it were one degree higher, it would be a boy band.

Tue, 11/07/2017

Joke Day: #4050

From: 10/25/17
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 25

Jimmy Kimmel Live

For those who are visiting us, welcome to Los Angeles — home of the Dodgers who are in the World Series tonight. The Dodgers and the Houston Astros. Dodgers won the first game last night. It was the hottest World Series game ever, 103 degrees. I was at the game. They didn’t have to cook the Dodger Dogs, that’s how hot it was.

President Trump has been feuding with a couple of senators from his own party — Jeff Flake of Arizona and Bob Corker of Tennessee are on his list right now. The president decided to tweet about this today. He said there are NO problems in the GOP; in fact, they love him so much they cannot sit down when he walks in a room, “multiple standing ovations.” Who wants to be the one who tell him that people are required to stand when the president enters the room? That’s not an accomplishment. That’s like saying, “Every time I walk into a Starbucks, guy behind the counter asks me if I want coffee.”

Late Night With Seth Meyers

President Trump today claimed he has a better recollection of his condolence call to the widow of a soldier than she does, pointing to his head and saying quote “one of the great memories of all time.” Trump then added, “If you don’t believe me, ask my wife Melatonin.”

Housing Secretary Ben Carson said today that rebuilding Puerto Rico after Hurricane Maria could take anywhere between “one and 100” years. And that’s just the kind of precision you expect from a brain surgeon. “What are my chances of survival, doc?” “Somewhere between one and 100 percent.”

A new poll has found that 51 percent of Democrats now have a favorable view of former President George W. Bush. That makes sense. I’d also have a favorable view of the flu if I suddenly found myself with the plague.

Amazon is testing a new service that allows couriers to unlock homes and leave packages inside. Learn more about the new service on a future episode of “Dateline.”

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

A lot of people have been talking about the fact that three Republican senators — Flake, McCain and Corker — have called Donald Trump unfit for office. Sure, scientists, psychiatrists, human rights activists and world and religious leaders have also said it. But, eventually, Republicans did as well. They’re late to everything. They just found out about “Gangnam Style.”

But Trump claimed everybody got along great at yesterday’s big Republican unity lunch: [clip of Trump] “I think we had a — I called it a ‘love fest.’ It was almost a love fest. Maybe it WAS a love fest.” Maybe it was a love fest, could have been a friendship orgy, we’re still checking.

And what is his evidence of this lovefesting? He tweeted that Republican senators gave him standing ovations. “Multiple standing ovations” and “Really, they just gave me a standing O!” Don’t you get it? You’re the president. They have to stand when you walk in the room. It’s part of the gig.