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Joke of the Day

Day # Range: 4001 - 4025

Date Range: 09/06/17 ~ 09/22/17

Thu, 09/14/2017

Joke Day: #4001

From: 09/06/17
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 01

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Today, President Trump announced a new plan to fund the government for the next three months. That’s right, Trump’s going to pay his taxes.

Today, Dennis Rodman offered to straighten things out between Trump and Kim Jong-Un. People were like, "Can't believe I'm saying this, but — let’s give it a shot!"

Meanwhile, Disney CEO Bob Iger spoke out against Trump’s decision to end the DACA immigration program, calling it “cruel and misguided.” And so to get back at Disney, Trump deported all those singing dolls from “It’s a Small World.”

I read that some White House officials don't think Trump understands what ending DACA really means. In response, Trump said, "I know, but why don't you tell me so that I know that YOU know."

Former press secretary Sean Spicer will give his first paid speech this month here in New York City. They're saying you should get tickets now, cuz there's only all of them left.

The Late Late Show with James Corden

Donald Trump tweeted about the hurricane in an odd way today. He wrote on Twitter, "Hurricane looks like the largest ever recorded in the Atlantic!" Who uses an exclamation point? How insecure is this guy that he even has to brag that his hurricanes are bigger than Obamas?

I understand it in a way. In Trump's defense, it's rare that he sees a natural disaster bigger than his administration.

In a speech today in North Dakota he compared the people facing hurricanes to the people in North Dakota who are going through a drought. Which the people going through the drought replied, "We didn't realize this was a competition." To be clear, both hurricanes and droughts are bad. I can't believe I have to explain that to the president of the United States.

I guess the good news is that despite the drought, the crops in North Dakota will still grow because of all of Trump's bull [bleep].

Donald Trump is now backpedaling a little bit regarding his decision to end DACA, the program that protects young undocumented immigrants from deportation. Last night Trump tweeted, "Congress now has six months to legalize DACA. If they can't, I will revisit this issue." Revisit the issue. I guess that's a threat.

Now let's get real with North Korean nukes, extreme weather, O.J. getting out of jail, shouldn't we all be preparing to leave the United States?

Fri, 09/15/2017

Joke Day: #4002

From: 09/07/17
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 02

Late Night With Seth Meyers

President Trump tweeted this morning quote, “For all of those (DACA) that are concerned about your status during the six-month period, you have nothing to worry about — no action!” Incidentally, “no Action” was also part of Donald and Melania’s marriage contract.

President Trump held a press conference today with the emir of Kuwait. And journalists were all provided with translators so they could understand what Trump was saying.

President Trump called for a simplification of the tax system yesterday, and promised that under his plan, “95 percent of Americans will be able to file their tax returns on a single page.” Wow, that’s only one more page than Trump used.

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West have announced they are expecting their third baby. And this time, they’re going to name the baby something normal. That’s the name. Something Normal West.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

Republicans wanted to raise the debt ceiling to cover the next 18 months so the Democrats couldn't use it as a negotiating tool before the midterm elections. Democrats wanted to cover only three months, and they convinced Trump, possibly right at this moment when Chuck Schumer [shows pic of Schumer and Trump] appears to be saying, "Who's a good president? You are! You are!"

So why did Trump side with the Democrats? People at the meeting say he was anxious to get a deal done fast. In fact, a senior Republican source described Trump as being in "Apprentice" mode. Yes, he was in "Apprentice" mode, which explains why he kept calling Schumer "Senator Meatloaf."

Technically, I guess Steve Bannon wasn't fired, because on the day he left, the administration issued a statement: "White House chief of staff John Kelly and Steve Bannon have mutually agreed today would be Steve's last day." Yes, it was mutual. Same way my college girlfriend and I mutually agreed that she'd be happier having sex with Gary.

Sat, 09/16/2017

Joke Day: #4003

From: 09/07/17
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 03

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Well guys, it is official — football has begun! I saw that the Patriots will play a game in Mexico this November. And once they’re down there, the rest of the league will say, “OK, build the wall! Quick — we have a chance!”

Meanwhile, the New York Jets are 1000-to-1 long shots to win the Super Bowl. That means if you bet just one dollar... you will lose just one dollar.

Congressional leaders are still upset with President Trump’s decision on the DACA immigration plan. They called it “brainless,” “heartless,” and “cowardly.” All Trump needs are some ruby slippers, and he’s off to see the wizard!

The Late Late Show with James Corden

We have some surprising news out of the White House. Because yesterday, Democrats proposed something to Donald Trump, and — you're not going to believe this — he actually agreed with them.

Donald Trump went against his own party and sided with Democrats in a deal to raise the debt ceiling. And because it's Trump, the debt ceiling will not only be raised, it will also be covered in gold leaf. And feature a tasteless painting of Donald Trump holding a sword and riding a lion.

Trump was actually agreeing with the Democrats. They must have been suspicious of this. They must have been in the Oval Office, like, “This is easy. Maybe a bit TOO easy — oh God, it's a trap, why is the door locked, help!”

Trump sided with Democrat leaders on combining disaster relief with an increase in the debt [ceiling] and the government funding measure all into one bill. It's basically like the “turducken” of national debt.

And this morning Trump continued to agree with Democrats when Congresswoman Nancy Pelosi talked Trump into tweeting out that immigrants affected by DACA should not be worried about being deported in the next six months. People are wondering how Pelosi got him to tweet what she wanted. I feel like I know exactly how she did it. She did the same thing that I do with my kids — all she had to do was tell Trump NOT to tweet. “You do not tweet that. Whatever you do, you do NOT tweet that. You’d better not tweet — ohhh, you tweeted it!” It’s Reverse Psych 101.

Former White House chief strategist Steve Bannon gave an odd interview to Charlie Rose where he criticized the Catholic Church, saying they had been terrible on the issue of immigration and that they need illegal aliens to fill their churches. This is just in case you had any doubt that Steve Bannon is literally the Antichrist.

Now in the same interview he referred to himself as Donald Trump's wing man. I don't know. Steve Bannon as Donald Trump's wing man? Can you imagine sitting in a bar, someone sends you a drink. You look over and it's these two [shows pic of grinning Trump and Bannon]. You're like, “No, send it back! Send it back!”

Mon, 09/18/2017

Joke Day: #4004

From: 09/12/17
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 04

Jimmy Kimmel Live

First an important health announcement. Pay attention to this: Sitting for long periods of time, even if you regularly work out, run or whatever, sitting is a primary cause of premature death. This is a big problem. Well, if you look around, we have like 200 people here. The only one standing up is me. By the end of the show, you will all be dead from sitting.

Hillary Clinton's new book came out today. It is called "What Happened." That's not a joke. That's what it is called. This is why Hillary lost. A real president doesn't write books. They write tweets.

Congratulations are in order for Hope Hicks, who today became the new White House communications director. She replaces Anthony Scaramucci, who returned to his former job harassing waitresses at Hooters.

Hicks is now the third White House communications director in less than eight months. Trump goes through them like he goes through buckets of KFC.

Sen. Ted Cruz, did you see why he is in the news? Last night his personal Twitter account liked a hardcore porn video . . . if he had done something this perverted during the campaign, he might be president right now.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Hillary Clinton's new book titled "What Happened" was released today, as was Putin's new book "Me."

Sen. Ted Cruz's Twitter account last night liked a pornographic video about a woman who finds a couple having sex on her couch. "Ew, gross," said the porn stars after hearing that Ted Cruz watched them.

President Trump will reportedly visit China in November. "Oh, can you pick up my handbags?" asked Ivanka.

In a recent interview with Time magazine, White House adviser Kellyanne Conway said that the key to her success is to, quote, "Think like a man and behave like a lady." Also, "Dress like no one is watching."

Apple today unveiled a special edition iPhone X, which will have two more hours of battery life than current iPhones. Wow, three hours of battery life!

Tue, 09/19/2017

Joke Day: #4005

From: 09/12/17
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 05

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Hillary Clinton's book "What Happened" came out today, and I heard that it's almost 500 pages long. Unfortunately, the only person with enough time to read it is Hillary Clinton.

I heard that Hillary will actually be signing books at a Costco in Connecticut. It's going to be awesome when someone gets to the front and goes, "Oh, I thought this was the line for cheese samples. I'm sorry. Can you sign a cheese sample?"

If you pick up a copy of the book, you'll see that a lot of notable people wrote little blurbs in the back cover. I'll show you what I mean. For example, Vladimir Putin wrote, "Was like fairytale Cinderella book. Princess failed and pumpkin becomes president."

Next, Barack Obama wrote, "I'd say I got to hand it to you, but the last time I tried to hand you something, you lost it to Donald Trump."

And finally, President Trump wrote, "I loved it. Especially the end, I really did not see that coming. Enjoy."

Conan O'Brien

On Twitter last night, someone discovered that Republican Sen. Ted Cruz liked a tweet from a porn account. As you can imagine, that was one very embarrassing day for that porn account.

Republican Sen. Ted Cruz is blaming the porn tweet on a staffer logging on to his account at 1 a.m. By the way, if my wife is watching, two nights ago at 2 a.m., I got up to use the bathroom and hired a staffer. That's what that's all about.

Just a day-and-a-half after Hurricane Irma ended, Disney World managed to reopen today. That's pretty impressive. Disney's biggest obstacle after the storm was to get the robots from the Hall of Presidents to stop looting. That's the second time they had to shoot McKinley.

New $1,000 iPhone coming out. Are you excited about that? Really? You are? Now I know where the rich people are sitting.

With the release of its new high-end iPhone 10, Apple may soon become the first U.S. company to be worth $1 trillion. That's just from selling five new iPhone 10s. Five will get you there.

The new iPhone will be able to track stair climbing and mountain hiking. The big question is, will it have any features for Americans? That's not our thing. That's not — it has a "Shows Watched" feature.

Pope Francis said that in his early 40s he attended weekly appointments with a Jewish therapist. The Pope went to a Jewish therapist. The Pope said he went to a Jewish therapist so he could better understand his boss.

Professional children's clowns are upset that the Stephen King movie, "It," makes them look like murderers. That's true. And professional murderers are upset that it makes them look like children's clowns.

The Late Late Show with James Corden

So, if you ever meet Ted Cruz on the campaign trail, you might want to think twice before shaking that hand. Ted Cruz likes pornography. Sounds like Kim Jong Un isn't the only one who likes to shoot off his Cruz missile.

It's crazy that this is the first time Ted Cruz has been caught looking at porn because, in every single photo, he looks like he just got caught looking at porn.

When asked to comment on this story, Ted Cruz said, "Don't come in here!"

This morning, at its annual keynote event, Apple introduced their new ultra-high-end iPhone 10, which will cost $1,000. The new phone comes with a face-recognizing camera called Face ID, which is a great feature unless you live in Hollywood and you have to buy a new phone every time you buy a new face.

The new iPhone is pretty incredible. Experts say it's going to revolutionize the way we ignore the person standing right next to us. It's called the iPhone 10.

Even Donald Trump weighed in. He said it's too chunky. It makes it a seven at best.

They say the new iPhone battery is good for up to eight hours of secretly liking porn videos on Twitter.

Wed, 09/20/2017

Joke Day: #4006

From: 09/13/17
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 06

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Sean Spicer is here with us tonight. You may remember his hit reality show "I'm a Press Secretary, Get Me Out of Here." This will be Sean's first television appearance since he escaped from — I mean, resigned from, the Trump administration. I feel like I'm interviewing one of the Chilean miners. Still has the helmet on.

The UN Security Council this week approved a new round of sanctions against North Korea and they're severe. They're taking Kim Jong Un's iPad away for a week.

In response to the sanctions, North Korea threatened to cause the United States "the greatest pain and suffering it has gone through in its entire history." I hate to break it to you, we already kind of did that to ourselves back in November.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders said today that "President Trump has done more for bipartisanship in the past eight days than President Obama did in eight years." Catch more of Sarah's comedy in her new Netflix special,"Chucklebee."

Musician and prospective Senate candidate Kid Rock gave a political speech last night in Detroit and said, "I love black people and I love white people, too, but neither as much as I love red, white and blue." Oh, God. Oh, God — he's gonna win.

The White House announced today that President Trump will sign a resolution passed by Congress that condemns white supremacists. Oh, I can see it now, "Okay, Donald J. Trunch. What? I signed it, I signed it."

Former White House press secretary Sean Spicer was named a visiting fellow at Harvard University today, which is pretty much what he was at the White House.

Former White House communications director Anthony Scaramucci went to Twitter last night to tease the launch of his own news site, where every article will begin, "Now you didn't hear this from me, but …"

Thu, 09/21/2017

Joke Day: #4007

From: 09/13/17
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 07

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Hillary Clinton is out promoting her new book, and in an interview this week, she said that if she’d won the election, she would’ve been seen as a “genius.” I don’t know about that, cuz Trump DID win the election, and . . . nobody’s calling HIM a genius.

In her new book, Hillary said that she took a nap as the results were coming in on Election Night. And while she did that, Bill gathered a month’s worth of clothes and got the hell outta there.

Meanwhile, I saw that Hillary is going on a cross-country tour to promote the book. Then Democrats said, "Oh, so NOW you'll visit some swing states."

A video was just posted of a giant python in the New York City subway wrapped around a handrail. Passengers were like, “Eww! He’s TOUCHING the handrail!”

Delta Airlines just paid a woman $4,000 to give up her seat on an overbooked flight. When asked what she’ll do with the money the woman said, “Buy Spirit Airlines.”

Conan O'Brien

President Trump is actually getting a lot of praise for his response to Hurricanes Harvey and Irma. He's getting some praise. Here's the thing, though. You know, it's not a good sign for your presidency when the best thing that happens to you is two hurricanes.

Anyone go out and buy Hillary Clinton's book yet? Everyone is talking about it. She has some pretty interesting revelations in that book. Hillary Clinton in her book said that after Trump's inauguration speech, George W. Bush told her, "That was some weird ****." That's true. It's being called the most eloquent statement ever made by George W. Bush. I can't believe he said that. They're going to carve that into his library. On the wall.

A few days after being accused of liking a porn tweet on Twitter, Sen. Ted Cruz dismissed the claim saying the left is obsessed with sex. Cruz then said, "If and when they want to call me, I can recommend some great websites."

Apple is working with medical professionals to see if Apple Watches can detect heart problems. Here's how it works. If the Apple Watch doesn't fit around your wrist, you have a heart problem.

In a sewer in London, officials found a giant clump of fat, waste, and diapers known as fatburg. It's massive. The fatburg is so repulsive officials are divided on whether to dissolve it or cast it as a dance mom.

In Palm Springs, California, a Starbucks barista saved a customer's life by giving him CPR. Isn't that incredible? Apparently the customer had a heart attack when the barista spelled his name right.

The Late Late Show with James Corden

This morning Donald Trump tweeted urging Congress to pass his tax reform plan. Here's what he wrote. He wrote, "With Irma and Harvey devastation, tax cuts and tax reform is needed more than ever before. Go Congress, go!" Go Congress! Who does he think he's talking to? They are senators, not Forrest Gump.

In another tweet, Trump added "Move fast, Congress." Now how can you tell Congress to move fast when the Senate majority leader is literally a tortoise? [Shows picture of Mitch McConnell]

Now the thing with these tweets is somehow these tweets imply that the tax reform plans would help hurricane victims. And how would that ever possibly help? People would be like, "Hey, did your house make it through the flooding? No. But luckily the CEO of the company I work for is getting a massive tax cut and that's really getting me through this."

Whatever you think of Trump's tweets this morning, they do have support in Congress. In fact, they were the first tweets that Ted Cruz liked this week that weren't porn videos.

Meanwhile, Hillary Clinton's book came out on Tuesday and White House spokesperson Sarah Huckabee Sanders reacted to it in a briefing yesterday calling it "sad." And I agree. I agree it is sad that Hillary Clinton's book wasn't written by President Hillary Clinton.

Meanwhile, Hillary Clinton's book came out on Tuesday and White House spokesperson Sarah Huckabee Sanders reacted to it in a briefing yesterday calling it "sad." And I agree. I agree it is sad that Hillary Clinton's book wasn't written by President Hillary Clinton.

This morning on the "Today" show Hillary Clinton gave her first live interview since the election. It did not go well. She started out talking about the election but she just ended up drinking a case of wine with Kathie Lee and Hoda.

The new iPhone 10 was released and Samsung, not to be left out, they announced that they are hoping to release a bendable version of the Galaxy Note that folds in half. Now here's my question, can it bend into an iPhone 10? If not, I don't care.

Yesterday Apple came out and said, "Our new phones will have 4K resolution, facial recognition and wireless charging." And Samsung is like, "Oh yeah, but can you fold it in half? Ha ha. We win!"

A foldable mobile phone. Or, as it was called ten years ago, a mobile phone. [Shows picture of flip phone]

Fri, 09/22/2017

Joke Day: #4008

From: 09/14/17
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 08

Jimmy Kimmel Live

The president and his wife were in Florida today to look at the damage caused by Hurricane Irma. Trump cares very deeply about the state of Florida. Almost every weekend since he was sworn in, he has personally flown to Florida to make sure there were no hurricanes there. Sometimes he even carries a golf club to fend them off.

There was a lot of fuss about the high-heeled shoes Melania wore when she visited Houston after Hurricane Harvey. So today she wore the most somber footwear in her closet: a pair of $750 Chanel flats.

Hillary Clinton is promoting her new book. She told Anderson Cooper that a lot of people come up to her now to apologize for not voting. And when they do that, she says she doesn’t forgive them. I guess she used all her forgiveness up on her husband.

White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders was asked about Clinton’s book. She said she thought it was sad. Which is true. I mean, it is — I don’t want to spoil it for anyone who’s planning to read it, but at the end of the book, Donald Trump becomes president.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Sen. Ted Cruz yesterday responded to the reaction to his Twitter account “liking” a pornographic tweet, and said that “people ought to be able to do what they want in their own bedrooms.” Although after hearing about Ted Cruz watching porn, nobody feels like doing anything in their bedrooms anymore.

In an interview with CNN yesterday, Hillary Clinton said that the Electoral College “needs to be eliminated.” “Same with regular college!” said Betsy DeVos.

A company in California will unveil the world’s first talking sex robot in January. Because that’s what people who buy sex robots want: follow-up questions.

Sat, 09/23/2017

Joke Day: #4009

From: 09/14/17
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 09

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

This morning President Trump tweeted that his border wall is going to be built out of old fences. Which explains why today, millions of Americans walked out of their homes and said, “Where the hell’s my fence?”

Ivanka Trump said that she doesn’t speak out against her dad publicly because “when you’re part of a team, you’re part of a team.” I think what she meant to say is “when you’re part of a will, you’re part of a will.”

After meeting with Democratic leaders, it seems like Trump changed his mind on DACA. Democrats were like, “Yeah, we told him it stood for Doughnuts Across America.”

Target announced that it will hire 100,000 seasonal employees during the holidays. Ten of them will be on the register; the rest will wander around saying, “I don’t work in this department.”

I read about a brother and sister in Michigan who reunited after 50 years apart. Unfortunately, it was on Tinder.

Conan O'Brien

Huma Abedin and soon-to-be ex-husband Anthony Weiner say that they want to keep their divorce proceedings private. However, Weiner insisted he’s still going to keep his [private parts] public.

President Trump was very busy all night tweeting about Hillary Clinton. And as a result, Melania Trump spent this morning thanking Hillary Clinton.

Trump supporters are outraged over the president’s recent reversals on immigration. This is the first time they’ve ever been this angry at a white male.

President Trump now says he wants the wealthy to pay more taxes and undocumented minors to be allowed to stay in the country. Then, this morning, Trump accused himself of being born in Kenya.

Facebook is under fire because, during last year’s election, Facebook sold lots of ad space to Russia. Facebook said the problem has been fixed. Now they’re selling that ad space to a really nice lady named Isis.

The U.S. government has announced a deal to sell 18 fighter jets to Canada. The jets will help Canada protect itself from its most hated enemy: bad manners.

Security experts are now keeping a close eye on the rise of Osama bin Laden’s son. Even worse, they say Osama bin Laden Jr. may be working tighter with his siblings Eric bin Laden and Ivanka bin Laden.

The Late Late Show with James Corden

Democratic leaders Chuck Schumer and Nancy Pelosi had dinner with Donald Trump and they said that they struck a deal regarding immigration and border security that might not even include the wall Trump keeps promising. Yeah, at the dinner Pelosi and Schumer had the chicken, while Trump ate his words.

I’m kidding! What they actually served — and this is true — they served Chinese food and chocolate pie. And you thought Democrats and Republicans don’t mix well.

Chinese food and chocolate pie — now I get it, Trump wasn’t trying to negotiate with them, he was trying to kill them.

Trump supporters were really angry today that it looks like he was making deals with the Democrats and abandoning the border wall. They said that Trump never betrays anyone. Aside from Sean Spicer, Anthony Scaramucci, Reince Priebus, Steve Bannon, his two ex-wives, and that one daughter he never talks about. Aside from that, he never betrays anybody.

Then today, Trump tweeted today that there is no deal with the Democrats. So now I’m confused. Trump changes positions more than the porn stars that Ted Cruz watches on Twitter.

So Trump goes one way, then he abruptly goes the other way, then swoops around in a completely different direction for no apparent reason. Which is also what he tells the guy cutting his hair.

But Trump did try to reassure his supporters by tweeting this: “The wall, which is already under construction in the form of new renovation of old and existing fences and walls, will continue to be built.” Now I’m sorry, you cannot fix an existing wall and then say that you built a wall. That is not how it works. That is like taking $14 million from your father and saying you are a self-made businessman.

Sun, 09/24/2017

Joke Day: #4010

From: 09/18/17
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 10

The Late Late Show with James Corden

In a speech to the United Nations General Assembly this morning, Donald Trump told world leaders that the U.N. needs to reform itself because it’s ineffective due to bureaucracy and mismanagement. And for the first time, every nation on Earth had a reason to come together: to roll their eyes at Donald Trump.

President Trump told the United Nations to reform itself, citing mismanagement. Then the United Nations told President Trump to reform himself, citing mismanagement.

On Sunday, Donald Trump tweeted about North Korean leader Kim Jong Un, saying, “I spoke with President Moon of South Korea last night. I asked him how ‘Rocket Man’ is doing.” President Trump, you’ve already ruined enough; don’t ruin Elton John lyrics for us.

Next thing you know, he’ll be calling the prime minister of Australia Crocodile Rock.

A thousand bucks says Trump called him Rocket Man because he couldn’t remember the name of North Korea’s leader. Do you know what I mean? He’s like, “Oh hey, there you are, how is it going — Rocket Man? My Rocket Man buddy."

Last night here in Los Angeles was the prime-time Emmy Awards. The big winners last night were Donald Glover, Hulu, and former White House press secretary Sean Spicer. Spicer won best actor in a comedy for his role in Donald Trump’s administration.

I’m kidding, of course! But Sean Spicer actually did make a cameo at last night’s ceremony and according to some reports, at the after party Spicer was the post popular guy in the room. And I just want to say, I think people are forgetting that this man lied to the American people, and should not be embraced. These Hollywood phonies kissing up to Sean Spicer are disgusting. I mean who did this, who are we talking about here? [shows photo of himself kissing Spicer]

Now I know you think that is a picture of me kissing Sean Spicer. But in the spirit of Sean Spicer: no, it isn’t.

Anyone ever have that feeling when you get a little drunk and then wake up the next morning and think, “Oh God, who did I kiss last night?” It’s a bit like that. Understandably, some people have been disappointed by this photo. In truth I’m disappointed by it as well. I have been reading a lot of harsh comments on Twitter today and I hear you loud and clear, truly I do. So much so I’m really starting to regret that Carpool Karaoke that we’ve taped with Steve Bannon. Feels like a mistake today.

Mon, 09/25/2017

Joke Day: #4011

From: 09/18/17
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 11

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Here in New York City, everyone is at the U.N. That’s right, the U.N. General Assembly kicked off today, and I read that 193 countries will be attending. They’re all committed to one goal: making New York City traffic a total nightmare.

Yesterday, Trump posted a tweet where he referred to Kim Jong Un as “Rocket Man.” Which beats the other nickname he gave him, Lil’ Kim.

Today is Ben Carson’s 66th birthday. It’s a little different on Ben Carson’s birthday. He actually OPENS his eyes to make a wish.

I read that Prince Charles may not live in Buckingham Palace when he becomes king. Then Queen Elizabeth said, “When he becomes king? I love your optimism, Chuckie.”

A married couple in Louisiana was arrested after filming themselves having sex in a Walmart and a Burger King. Of course they were very embarrassed, so they told their friends it was a Target and a Wendy’s.

Conan O'Brien

Over the weekend, President Trump retweeted a GIF of himself knocking Hillary Clinton down with a golf ball. In response, Hillary retweeted a GIF where she beat Trump by 3 million votes.

Today in New York, President Trump spoke before the United Nations General Assembly. There was an awkward moment when Trump looked into the audience and said, “Wait, how did you people get into this country?”

The big winner at last night’s Emmys was “The Handmaid’s Tale,” a show about a repressive society where women have no rights. It won Best Writing, Best Drama, and Best Mike Pence Fantasy.

A lot of people are angry about Sean Spicer’s cameo on last night’s Emmys. They’re also not thrilled to hear that Attorney General Jeff Sessions will be hosting the Latin Grammys.

The charity organization Oxfam is renting out President Trump’s childhood home to refugees. It’s pretty cool; they’ve already rented out a room to a refugee on the run named “Melania.”

California Gov. Jerry Brown is working on a plan to build two tunnels that will bring water to Southern California. Of course, it’s California, so one tunnel is for flat water, the other sparkling with lime.

The wife of Donald Trump’s ethics adviser was caught having sex in a car with a prison inmate. Can you believe that? Donald Trump has an ethics adviser.

Tue, 09/26/2017

Joke Day: #4012

From: 09/19/17
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 12

Late Night With Seth Meyers

During his address to the U.N. today, President Trump referred to North Korean leader Kim Jong Un as "Rocket Man." Even worse, he referred to nuclear missiles as "boom boom sticks." "Folks, the Rocket Man has boom boom sticks and there's a good chance we're all gonna go ka-blooey."

President Trump said during his address to the U.N. today that if North Korea continues working on its nuclear program, the U.S. will have "no choice but to totally destroy North Korea." Oh my God, Trump is going to run for president of North Korea.

An 83-year-old grandfather in California recently pushed a suspected burglar off his roof. Neighbors are calling it shocking while the roofer is calling it the last time he works on that house.

The Italian restaurant chain "Villa Italian Kitchen" is adding a new pumpkin spice pizza to its menu. And if you like that, you're gonna love Starbucks' new Linguini Mocha.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

Donald Trump is on a trip to a very hostile region: New York City. He's in town because he gave his first official address at — I want to say Starfleet Academy. The president gave us a preview of his U.N. speech yesterday, telling reporters he plans to "Make the United Nations great... not again. Make the United Nations great." So not #maga.

It's no secret Donald Trump has never liked the U.N. Back in 2012, he tweeted "The cheap 12-inch square marble tiles behind speaker at U.N. always bothered me. I will replace with beautiful large marble slabs, if they ask me." They're not going to ask you. You know what they talk about at the U.N., right? They're going to ask you to send soldiers to Uganda, not sconces to the lobby.

Trump doubled down on his new nickname for Kim Jong Un. "Rocket Man is on a suicide mission for himself and for his regime." Mr. President, don't give our enemies nicknames that make them sound cooler! "I will destroy Commander Jetpack and Admiral Ice Cream Sex Machine."

Wed, 09/27/2017

Joke Day: #4013

From: 09/19/17
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 13

The Late Late Show with James Corden

The United Nations has gathered this week, and all of the world leaders are there for the General Assembly. This morning, Donald Trump went to the U.N. headquarters to give a speech — or, as Trump calls it, an "in-person tweet talk."

Trump's speech was kind of colorful, especially when he addressed the assembled countries as "future Trump hotel locations."

During the speech, Trump threatened to "totally destroy North Korea," which can only mean one thing — he's going to run for president of North Korea.

In his speech, Trump also referred to Kim Jong Un as "Rocket Man," saying, "Rocket Man is on a suicide mission." You can't call someone "Rocket Man" in the same speech where you're threatening to launch rockets. That makes you a rocket man. Now you're both rocket men!

Donald Trump, Jr., has decided to give up his Secret Service protection in order to have more privacy. He said it got annoying having Secret Service guys always standing around, listening in, and making it almost impossible for him to call Russia to receive further instructions.

Meanwhile, Eric Trump will keep his protection, so they can help him tie his shoes and stop him from choking on hard candies.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Our President Donald Trump spoke to representatives at the U.N. General Assembly. The president was a bit disappointed. Usually when Trump meets representatives from different countries, there's a swimsuit competition and they wear sashes.

It was an historic event in that I think I'm pretty sure this was the first time anyone said something like this: "They're working together in the Middle East to crush the loser terrorists and stop the re-emergence."

Loser is a word you use to describe your sister's fiancé. Not terrorists. Loser is how Biff insulted Marty McFly. Our president uses to it describe ISIS.

Trump also told the group he was prepared to "totally destroy North Korea." He again called Kim Jong Un "Rocket Man." I think he does this nickname thing because he can't remember anyone's real name. Like when you see the guy at the 7-Eleven. "Hey, buddy, what's going on?"

He said Kim Jong Un was "Rocket Man on a suicide mission." If you want to insult Kim Jong Un, maybe don't make it sound like he's an action-packed movie franchise. Just call him Kim.

Thu, 09/28/2017

Joke Day: #4014

From: 09/19/17
(**Part 3**)

Top of Page   Joke: 14

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

President Trump gave his big speech at the U.N. General Assembly today. And at one point, he threatened to "totally destroy North Korea." He said he has a good plan to do it, too – he's gonna run for president of North Korea.

Trump's speech actually got off to a nice start, though. He began by welcoming all the world leaders to New York City. And when he finished his speech, he said, "Now go home."

Last night, Toys R Us officially filed for bankruptcy after falling $5 billion in debt. I guess they tried to pay it off, but the bank said, "This is Monopoly money."

I saw that today is International Talk Like a Pirate Day. And right before his speech, Trump's aides were like, "Please don't." (TRUMP) "Too late! Already bought the eye patch! ARHH you ready for a speech?"

I read that white giraffes were just caught on video for the first time ever. Researchers knew that they were white, cuz they were drinking pumpkin spice lattes.

Conan O'Brien

During his speech to the U.N., President Trump paused for what he thought was an applause line and was met by silence. President Trump, welcome to my world.

While at the U.N., President Trump also called the Iran nuclear deal an "embarrassment." Then Trump said, "Gotta go — I have to post a tweet of me hitting a woman with a golf ball."

Today at the U.N., President Trump threatened to return immigrants to their home countries. After making those comments he got a standing ovation from Melania.

T-Mobile and Sprint are in talks for a possible merger. The merger will happen after T-Mobile texts Sprint at 2 a.m. and asks, "U up?"

Apple is exploring ways to turn Siri into people's personal therapist. In fact, this morning when I asked Siri for today's weather she said, "Stop trying to replace your father."

A new app lets people take selfies with virtual versions of "The Today Show" anchors. The app is called Why?

Fri, 09/29/2017

Joke Day: #4015

From: 09/20/17
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 15

Late Night With Seth Meyers

President Trump tweeted this morning "Big meetings today at the United Nations, so many interesting leaders." While the United Nations tweeted, "Day two of this guy. Buckle up, everyone.”

During Melania Trump’s U.N. speech today, she spoke out against bullying. And then her husband took the stage to give the rebuttal.

A leader of a polygamous sect in Salt Lake City pled guilty today to food-stamp fraud. As he was taken into custody he said, “Don’t wait for me, honey! You either! Or you. And you. You, too.”

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

This week in Washington, D.C., the unthinkable happened. Republicans are trying to repeal and replace Obamacare, again. This is beyond beating a dead horse. This is getting damn close to bestiality, okay. I hope that horse has a safe word.

The U.N. is in town this week and Donald Trump hosted a lunch for African leaders. "I'm greatly honored to host this lunch, to be joined by the leaders of Côte d'Ivoire, Ethiopia, Ghana, Guinea, Nambia. Nambia's health system is increasingly self-sufficient." Now, there is no such country as "Nambia." Despite that, they will soon have a better healthcare system than we do. I might move to Nambia. I hear very good things.

He went on to praise the African Republicans of Nambla, Wango-Tango, and Wakanda. "We must secure our supplies of vibranium." "I want to thank Prime Minister Chaka Khan, thank you so much for being here. So wonderful."

Sat, 09/30/2017

Joke Day: #4016

From: 09/20/17
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 16

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Today is the third day of the U.N. General Assembly. Or as Trump calls it, “Boring Epcot.” (TRUMP) “There’s no rides! No monorail!”

During a speech today, Trump mispronounced the African nation of “Namibia," and instead called it "Nambia." Then Trump corrected himself and said, (TRUMP) "Sorry, I meant Narnia."

President Trump also talked about the possibility of Peace in the Middle East and said that “stranger things have happened.” Then he said, “For example...me.”

I saw that Coca-Cola is selling a new drink in Japan called "Coca-Cola Coffee Plus.” They say it’s great if you like Coke, love coffee, and hate blinking.

And, Chipotle just added queso to its menu, but customers are saying it tastes awful. Chipotle was like, “On the way up, or the way down?”

I read that farmers in Europe are close to growing a 3,000-pound pumpkin. Then Americans said, “Eh – let us know when you ELECT one.”

Conan O'Brien

Twitter has just announced it has new controls to block people who advocate violence. But don’t worry, you can still follow President Trump on Facebook.

Yesterday Attorney General Jeff Sessions visited Portland, Oregon. After his visit, Sessions said, "You know, dreadlocks aren’t so scary when they’re on a white guy."

President Trump is using his 2020 campaign fund to pay his legal fees, which experts say is "wrong but not illegal." Coincidentally, "Wrong But Not Illegal" is also Trump’s 2020 campaign slogan.

During a speech to African leaders today, President Trump accidentally made up the nation of "Nambia." Even worse, he promised to help Nambia in their war with Narnia.

Apple CEO Tim Cook is claiming that the $1000 iPhone X is a good value. Cook said, “It’s the last phone you’ll ever need for the next eight months."

Arnold Schwarzenegger is going to return to the next "Terminator" movie. In this one, Arnold goes back in time to erase all traces of him hosting "Celebrity Apprentice."

It’s come out that some species of frogs have sex orgies. These are followed the next morning by the frogs doing the "Hop of Shame."

The Late Late Show with James Corden

It was revealed today that Donald Trump is using campaign donations and money from the Republican National Committee to help pay for his legal fees tied to the Russia investigation. Trump using the campaign funds is not illegal but an unprecedented move by a sitting president and we all know how Donald Trump feels about anything unprecedented. He feels it's hard to spell.

This morning the president retweeted this graphic of an iceberg symbolizing his supporters. It says that the tip of the iceberg is how many Trump supporters the media tells you there are but the bottom is how many Trump supporters there actually are. This is the most attention Trump has paid to climate change since he took office. Is Trump really comparing his supporters to an iceberg? He's basically saying they're cold, detached and slowly disappearing every day.

Sun, 10/01/2017

Joke Day: #4017

From: 09/21/17
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 17

Late Night With Seth Meyers

According to The Washington Post, in July of 2016, former Trump campaign chairman Paul Manafort offered to provide private briefings on the presidential race to a Russian billionaire who is close with Vladimir Putin. So Paul Manafort was the campaign manager for Donald Trump, and he met with a billionaire who was friends with Putin, who was in a movie with Kevin Bacon! I did it!

Some 7-Eleven stores are now offering what they are calling “restaurant quality” dishes. “Hey, we should try that!” said Olive Garden.

A teacher in South Carolina has been suspended after she gave her 5th grade class a homework assignment asking them to justify the KKK’s treatment of African-Americans. Also suspended — the kid who got an A.

Eighty years ago today, J. R. R. Tolkien’s book “The Hobbit” was released. To give you an idea what 80 years feels like, watch the movie.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

I’d like to wish my Jewish viewers a happy Rosh Hashanah. I hope I'm pronouncing that correctly. I don't know, none of my Jewish writers are here today.

Of course, Rosh Hashanah is the Jewish New Year. So happy 5778, everybody! I'm so glad it's 5778; 5777 sucked.

But things are looking up, especially with the Russia investigation. As you know, special counsel Robert Mueller has been unearthing all sorts of dirt on the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia.

It just came out that Mueller requested documents from the White House related to “13 different areas in which investigators are seeking information.”

It’s all collected on “Now That’s What I Call Collusion: Volume 45.”

Available wherever CDs are still sold. So I’m gonna say Starbucks.

Mon, 10/02/2017

Joke Day: #4018

From: 09/21/17
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 18

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Some good news for President Trump. A new poll shows that his approval ratings just rose three points. That’s right — it’s now at four points.

The U.N. General Assembly is still going on today. North Korea’s foreign minister said Trump’s speech sounded like a “dog barking.” But Trump didn’t respond — cuz he was chasing after a fire truck.

And in an interview today, Sean Spicer said that he has never “knowingly” lied to the American people. Then Spicer said, “Startingggggg NOW!”

Check this out, guys. Target is letting customers download an indoor map to help them find their way around the store. While if you get lost at Costco, they just tell you to forget your old life and move in.

I also read that Taco Bell will start serving alcohol at some locations. So the next time you think that YOU’RE having a bad day, imagine the guy who gets cut off by the cashier at Taco Bell.

Conan O'Brien

This afternoon, North Korean leader Kim Jong Un lashed out at President Trump, calling him “mentally deranged” and “a frightened dog.” As a result, Kim Jong Un is now the Democrats’ top pick for president in 2020.

In an interview, former White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer said he never knowingly lied to the American people. Then he said, “Dammit, I just lied again. I can’t help myself.”

The Late Late Show with James Corden

Congressional Republicans are trying to repeal and replace Obamacare with a new proposal called the Graham-Cassidy Bill. Yesterday Donald Trump tweeted his support for the bill saying, “I would not sign Graham-Cassidy if it did not include coverage of pre-existing conditions, it does, a great Bill, repeal and replace.” Now there are two things wrong with that tweet. One, it doesn’t cover pre-existing conditions. And two, he didn't have to capitalize the word “Bill.”

It is not a guy named Bill, he knows that, right? It's not like your great Uncle Bill, you know?

This is a man that has retweeted Nazis and racists. He can't even be bothered to read a Twitter bio. We're supposed to believe he has read an entire healthcare bill? No chance.

Meanwhile, today North Korea’s foreign minister responded to Donald Trump’s speech at the United Nations saying that Trump’s threats to destroy their country are just “the sound of a dog barking.” Now that's not fair because when a dog barks, you actually understand what he is trying to communicate.

Microsoft founder Bill Gates gave a speech yesterday. And in that speech, he apologized for making the ctrl-alt-delete function on computers so complicated. But then he added, I mean, I'm as sorry as I can be about something that made me $85 billion, #sorrynotsorry.

Tue, 10/03/2017

Joke Day: #4019

From: 09/22/17

Top of Page   Joke: 19

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Today is the first day of fall — that special time of year when neighbors take turns blowing leaves into each other’s property.

Last night Kim Jong Un released a rare statement attacking President Trump and referred to him as a dotard. Then Trump said, “Sticks and stones may break my bones but words I don’t know will never hurt me.”

John McCain says he will not support the Republican healthcare bill, even though it was written by his best friend in the Senate, Lindsey Graham. You can tell Graham feels betrayed, because tonight, he released his own cover of “Look What You Made Me Do.”

This week, a truck carrying 40,000 pounds of vodka overturned in North Carolina. The driver is fine. He said he’s shaken, but not stirred.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

If you’ve been in New York City, you know that the U.N. has been in town all week. Diplomats from every nation on this planet have gathered in New York to spread their message of “we can park anywhere we want.”

The highlight was Trump’s big speech, where he threatened to “totally destroy” North Korea. That did not go over big with North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un, who fired back he would “tame the mentally deranged U.S. dotard with fire.” Earlier this week, their foreign minister, Ri Yong Ho, called Trump’s speech “nothing more than the sound of a dog barking.”

Pretty sick burn on our president, to which I have to say: Knock it off, North Korea, NoKo. You are not allowed to insult OUR leader like that. Sure, I’ve had my problems with President Trump, such as everything he has said and done. But I’m not going to stand here as an American and let somebody from another country talk smack about our president! WE can do it, OK? Membership has its privileges.

Wed, 10/04/2017

Joke Day: #4020

From: 09/25/17
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 20

Late Night With Seth Meyers

North Korea said today that since president Trump has declared war on the country, it has the right to shoot down U.S. strategic bombers even when they are not inside their air space border. ”Oh, no you don’t,” said Trump to a black athlete kneeling.

After condemning NFL players for kneeling during the national anthem this weekend, President Trump today tweeted his support for NASCAR. Said Trump, “Oh yeah, I’m really into racing, I guess you could say I’m quite a racist.”

Melania Trump this weekend took her first solo trip abroad as first lady, and everything was going great until the Secret Service found her and brought her back.

According to Politico, President Trump’s son-in-law and senior adviser Jared Kushner used a private email account to correspond with other administration officials. In his defense, it’s always the same message: “Has anyone seen my retainer?” Those things are expensive. They’re expensive to replace.

Today was National Comic Book Day, so congratulations to the guy [shows photo of Anthony Weiner] with the most issues.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

On Friday, Trump addressed the football controversy. “Wouldn’t you love to see one of these NFL owners, when somebody disrespects our flag, to say get that son of a b**** off the field right now, out, he’s fired? Fired!” Wow. Son of a b****. That was unnecessary roughness. There should be a flag on that play, and I’m going to say a Confederate flag.

The blowback was immediate. Colin Kaepernick’s mom, after seeing the president of the United States call her child a son of a bitch, tweeted, “Guess that makes me one proud bitch.” Yeah! Moms! Colin’s mom is the coolest mom in sports! After that, she took the whole team to Dairy Queen and made it rain orange slices! Whoo!

Of course, there is one sport Trump still loves: “So proud of NASCAR and its supporters and fans. They won’t put up with disrespecting our country or our flag. They said it loud and clear!” What he’s referring to is some NASCAR owners threatened to fire any drivers who kneel during the national anthem. Now, I don’t know why NASCAR is responding differently than the NFL. It might be because there’s only one African-American driver in all of NASCAR.

Thu, 10/05/2017

Joke Day: #4021

From: 09/25/17
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 21

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

We had a bunch of big football matchups yesterday. You had the Eagles against the Giants, you had the Patriots play against the Texans, and you had the president against everyone.

Yesterday, Trump tweeted that players standing with locked arms for the national anthem is OK. Incidentally, people standing with locked arms is also the plan for his border wall. “Red rover, red rover, don’t let anyone come over.”

It came out that Kylie Jenner is expecting her first child. When asked about it, Kris Jenner said, “I’m so excited about the new spin-off — I mean, addition to the family.”

There’s growing speculation that Mark Zuckerberg will run for president. He’s already got a great slogan: “Vote for me or I’ll retag you in every photo you’ve ever untagged.”

Another big story today: Anthony Weiner was sentenced to 21 months in prison for his sexting scandal. Weiner can get out in eight months with good behavior. So he’ll be serving 21 months.

Conan O'Brien

Now it is President Trump vs. the NFL. He took on the entire National Football League this weekend with his tweets. President Trump is angry at NFL players for their silent protests during the national anthem. Trump said, “Silent protests have no place anywhere outside my marriage.”

The national anthem controversy has even caused a rift between President Trump and his longtime friend, Tom Brady. Now, folks, we should have seen this coming with Brady, because whenever anyone that beautiful turns 40, Trump loses interest.

President Trump has disinvited Golden State Warriors player Steph Curry from visiting the White House. Yeah, because no one likes Steph Curry. He disinvited him, not because of their political differences, but because Trump believes curry is from India and got confused.

Anthony Weiner had been sentenced to nearly two years in jail for sexting with a teenager. Weiner said, “Come on, Your Honor, by the time I get out, she’s going to be 20.”

The Late Late Show with James Corden

The American territory of Puerto Rico is in dire need of humanitarian aid, tensions with North Korea have never been higher, so of course President Trump spent this weekend tackling the biggest issue of all — football players.

Over the weekend, Donald Trump said NFL owners should respond to players kneeling during the national anthem by firing them. In a speech he said owners should say, quote, “Get that son of a b**** off the field right now, he’s fired.” And we can only hope and pray that’s what Americans are also going to say in the next presidential election.

Trump also criticized the league for making efforts to prevent concussions, saying they are ruining the game. I don’t think Trump realizes how dangerous the symptoms of these concussions are — headache, emotional instability, impulsive behavior. Basically they turn you into Donald Trump.

Once Trump got the NFL tweets out of his system he moved on to more important issues, like climate change, healthcare ... I’m kidding! He started ranting at the NBA.

Here is what the president tweeted regarding the Golden State Warriors’ upcoming visit to the White House: “Going to the White House is considered a great honor for a championship team. Stephen Curry is hesitating, therefore invitation is withdrawn!” Can you disinvite someone who has already turned down your invitation? Is that a thing you can do? I mean, if that’s a thing, I have a lot of girls to disinvite from my high school prom. Candace, Beth, Emma, you’re all disinvited. I know it was 20 years ago, I’m pulling the invite.

Trump’s withdrawn his invitation to the Golden State Warriors, making this the first time in history Donald Trump has ever shown a dislike for anything golden. .

Did you hear about London banning Uber? The city has banned the ride share service after its failure to report criminal offenses and carry out background checks on drivers. Uber is appealing the decision, but it doesn’t look good. Right now if you’re in London and go on the Uber app, it says your ride is 18 months away.

Fri, 10/06/2017

Joke Day: #4022

From: 09/26/17
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 22

The Late Late Show with James Corden

After President Trump's inflammatory comments, last night in a show of solidarity, every member of the Dallas Cowboys, along with owner Jerry Jones, took a knee before the national anthem. The Cowboys knelt before the national anthem as a protest, but then stood while it was being played. Isn't that trying to have it both ways? Like, "I'm on a hunger strike but only between meals."

Their half-protest still upset many people. Conservatives immediately blasted the move, saying it disrespected the sacred minutes before the national anthem which are for [using the restroom] and buying nachos.

Yesterday officials confirmed that at least six of President Trump's closest advisers used a private email to discuss official White House business. In a related story, Hillary Clinton was hospitalized today after rolling her eyes so hard she threw her back out.

White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders said, from now on, "All White House personnel have been instructed to use official email to conduct all government-related work." Unfortunately, she made that statement in an email sent from "huckabizzle@hotmail.com."

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Thank you for joining us on a day of great relief for many millions of Americans. Because the Graham-Cassidy healthcare bill, a bill I've been speaking out against all week, it shall not pass. Senator McConnell decided to pull the vote. They didn't have the votes. I haven't been this excited about something being dead since Bin Laden.

We can really make a difference if we speak out. And I'm not planning to stop at healthcare. There is another threat on the horizon that is maybe even more disturbing than anything we've seen in Congress this week — pumpkin spice pizza. This is a real item on a menu at a real restaurant called Villa Italian Kitchen. And whether or not you think pumpkin spice is good on pizza, I think we can all agree that pumpkin spice is not good on pizza.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Today was President Trump's 250th day in office. Or, as he put it, "longer than any President in history."

Senate Republicans announced today they will not hold a vote on the Graham-Cassidy bill to repeal and replace Obamacare after they were unable to secure enough support. But Republicans plan to come back with a new plan where they just slash the tires on all the ambulances.

President Trump said today that getting relief efforts to Puerto Rico after the devastation caused by Hurricane Maria is tough because "It's an island." And then, proving he just learned it, yelled, "But Rhode Island isn't!!"

After President Trump called for pro-athletes to be fired if they didn't stand for the national anthem, Nike released a statement yesterday in support of "athletes and their right to freedom of expression." Then they introduced a new line of $400 "kneeling shoes."

A Sri Lankan man has been arrested for trying to smuggle $29,000 worth of gold and jewelry inside his rectum. His lawyer says he'll walk, but his doctor's not so sure.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

The GOP plan to repeal Obamacare is officially dead! Got nothing, no pulse! They pulled the plug.

They knew they could only afford to lose two votes and Rand Paul and John McCain were already "no's." Then last night, Maine Senator Susan Collins said she wasn't falling for it. One reason was the CBO score, which technically hasn't come out, but they did release an estimate yesterday showing that "the number of people with comprehensive health insurance would be reduced by millions." Yeah, nothing specific, just millions.

As this point, the folks at the CBO must be so tired of analyzing healthcare bills, they're just free-balling it. "What, a new bill? Yeah, let me run the numbers. Yeah, yeah everybody dies!"

So that's it. It's over! And, "The GOP Is already eyeing the next chance to revive the Obamacare repeal." What! What! Already? Graham-Cassidy isn't even dead yet! That's like bringing a date to see your wife in the hospital.

Sat, 10/07/2017

Joke Day: #4023

From: 09/26/17
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 23

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

The big story is that for the third straight time, Senate Republicans failed to repeal Obamacare, because they didn't have the votes. Trump was like, "Well neither did I, and I still won!"

Actually, when he heard the GOP healthcare bill failed AGAIN, Trump said, "You won't believe it, but I think I gotta take a knee for this."

Trump said he's not preoccupied by his feud with the NFL, adding "All I do is work." Which would've been great if he hadn't said that from a Brookstone massage chair.

I saw that while discussing Puerto Rico, Trump said the Atlantic is "a very big ocean." Trump always sounds like he forgot about a class presentation and is just up there winging it. "The Atlantic is a very big ocean. A lot of people didn't know how big it was. It's one of the top five big oceans out there. It's very wet."

A new study says that a lack of sleep can actually make you happier. When they heard that, new moms were like, "You wanna say that to my face??"

Conan O'Brien

Today, the nominations for the Latin Grammys were announced. The two contenders for Song of the Year are "Despacito" and the song that will lose to "Despacito."

It's been revealed that a tweet President Trump sent out yesterday about Iran testing a ballistic missile was based on old news footage. Even worse, most of Trump's complaints about the NFL were based on the movie "Rudy."

An employee for the Buffalo Bills quit after the entire team took a knee during the national anthem on Sunday. Meanwhile, an employee for the Los Angeles Chargers quit after watching them play on Sunday.

In Boston, experts believe they have found Paul Revere's outhouse and they say they are excited to examine his fecal matter. These experts have been described as "single."

Trump announced he will visit Puerto Rico next Tuesday and survey the storm damage. However, Trump may have to cancel depending on what happens on Monday Night Football.

Sun, 10/08/2017

Joke Day: #4024

From: 09/27/17
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 24

Jimmy Kimmel Live

President Trump tweeted this morning as part of one of his paranoid anti-media rants saying, "Virtually no president has accomplished what we have accomplished in the first nine months." He's right, no president has ever accomplished what he's accomplished. After nine short months we have more nuclear weapons pointed at us than ever before in the history of the United States.

The president is overcompensating a bit because he had a rough day yesterday. A candidate he worked very hard to endorse in Alabama lost his election. Senator Luther Strange lost his Republican primary runoff to Roy Moore by 10 points, which was very disappointing to the president. Usually when Trump goes all-in on a loser it's a casino with his name on it.

It was an embarrassing blow to his ego. He even went so far as to do something he never does, he deleted three tweets today, where he bragged about how well Luther Strange was doing because of his endorsement.

Roy Moore actually called for outlawing homosexuality and pulled a handgun on stage at a campaign rally. So, of course, Donald Trump today tweeted, "He sounds like a really great guy who ran a fantastic race."

Late Night With Seth Meyers

According to CNN, after the candidate he was backing for the Alabama special Senate election lost, President Trump was quote, "pissed and embarrassed." Incidentally, "pissed and embarrassed" is also the title of his Russian hotel tape.

While discussing the corporate tax rate today, President Trump said that "20" is his ideal number and he is "not negotiating that number." Which is the same thing he says when he orders chicken McNuggets.

A new study has determined that people in relationships can detect infidelity in their partner's voice. Especially when their voice says, "You're home early!"

It was reported today that Justin Timberlake may perform at the Super Bowl in February. And that the Jets will not.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

Today was a huge day for President Trump. In an attempt to get everybody to forget about his recent big failures, he unveiled his next big failure: tax reform. For those of you who think Trump's new tax plan is full of cuts for the wealthy and big corporations, well, yes. But, like any good reality TV star, Trump insists he's here for all the right reasons.

Trump could really use a win right now because things have not been going his way by any measure. The latest is the Alabama GOP Senate primary. Trump tweeted his support for Luther Strange. He did robocalls, held a rally for him. He went all in! Well, remember how Trump predicted we'd get tired of winning? Well, I think he's already there because he lost, badly. A spanking, really.

White House aides say the president is "embarrassed and pissed." Which coincidentally is replacing "In God We Trust" on all U.S. currency.

Mon, 10/09/2017

Joke Day: #4025

From: 09/27/17
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

President Trump has finally addressed the situation in Puerto Rico, and he said that he'll travel there on Tuesday. Trump said he's bringing lots of supplies — in case he gets bored or hungry on the flight over. "I need a coloring book! My binky!"

Trump's tax plan came out today, and it will significantly help wealthy people with children. Then Kim, Kylie and Khloe were like, "Ka-ching!"

Paul Ryan said that the tax plan will let people file their taxes on a postcard. Cuz if there's one group you can count on to fix the IRS, it's the Post Office.

Last night, a Republican named Luther Strange lost Alabama Senate primary. So now, "Luther Strange" will go back to his old job — a villain in a Batman comic.

Saudi Arabia just announced they will let women drive. Women say that they're excited, and can't wait to drive straight out of Saudi Arabia.

Conan O'Brien

There are rumors that NFL legend Peyton Manning may run for Senate. Experts say there's no way that mixing the NFL and politics could possibly go wrong.

The winner of the Alabama Senate primary, Roy Moore, once equated homosexuality to having sex with a cow. Moore went on to say, "However, I also have some criticisms of it."

President Trump says his new tax plan would greatly simplify the U.S. tax code. It would divide everyone into two brackets: "taxpayers" and "President Trump."

It's been reported that morale is low among the Taliban. You know things are bad when THEY are too depressed to go to work.

Khloé Kardashian is reportedly pregnant. Khloe said she doesn't care if it's a boy or a girl just as long as it has over one million Instagram followers.

The Late Late Show with James Corden

Yesterday Twitter started testing a brand new feature to let some users post tweets with 280 character limits, which is twice the amount that is currently allowed. Yeah, cuz that was a big problem with Twitter — the angry unhinged rants from the president simply weren't long enough.

When he heard about this Ted Cruz said 280 characters, big deal. Let me know when you can like a porn video without the rest of the world knowing about it.

Two hundred and eighty characters. Can you imagine, 280 characters or, as Eddie Murphy calls it, one movie.

In political news, Alabama Senate candidate Luther Strange lost in a special Republican runoff election yesterday. Now Luther Strange had been heavily endorsed by Donald Trump, particularly on Twitter. So of course, now that he lost, Trump has deleted all of those tweets. Trump hasn't dumped anyone that fast since his last wife… and his last communications director… and his daughter, Tiffany.

Luther Strange lost to a crazy populist candidate who actually pulled out a pistol on stage at his campaign rally earlier this week. Now, technically, it's still not clear if Luther Strange lost to that guy or just surrendered to him.

It was revealed that Donald Trump's son-in-law and senior advisor Jared Kushner apparently checked the wrong box on his voter registration form in New York and is registered as a female voter. We have a guy making important decisions in the White House who filled out a form and thought sex was a trick question. He's like, "You are not fooling me, I like ladies."

Monday it came out that Jared Kushner used private emails in his White House job. Today we learn he's registered in New York as a woman. Do you guys realize what this means? Jared Kushner is Hillary Clinton.