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Joke of the Day

Day # Range: 3976 - 4000

Date Range: 08/02/17 ~ 09/06/17

Sun, 08/13/2017

Joke Day: #3976

From: 08/02/17
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 01

Late Night With Seth Meyers

A new Quinnipiac poll found that 33 percent of people approve of the job President Trump is doing. Unfortunately, they're all under investigation.

According to Vanity Fair, the Queen of England has four alcoholic beverages every day, including a glass of champagne before bed. Champagne before bed?! Who does she think she is, herself?

A pair of New England Patriots players were kicked out of practice this week after getting into a fight during drills. Wow, even the New England Patriots hate the New England Patriots.

Before heading out of town today, President Trump signed a number of sanctions against Russia. They passed with an overwhelming majority in the House, so Trump had to sign it. Vladimir Putin is not happy. In fact, he changed their relationship status on Facebook today to "It's complicated."

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

I am really glad my family got here in 1828. Because Donald Trump just pulled up the immigration ladder behind us. Today the administration announced a harsh new immigration bill. Now, don’t you dare say that he’s just cruelly targeting illegal immigrants, because the bill wants to reduce LEGAL immigration by 50 percent. "Melania, honey, I got some tough news, only 50 percent of your parents can come to Thanksgiving. I say your mom. She's in great physical shape."

Now, the bill sounds bad, but they gave it a catchy name: the Reforming American Immigration for Strong Employment (RAISE) Act. Yes, the RAISE Act. Much better marketing than the original name: Reforming American Citizenship Is Super Tough.

Basically Donald Trump wants to create what he calls a merit-based system that awards points to green card applicants based on such factors as English ability. Yes, immigrants have to learn proper English like "bigly" and "covfefe."

Mon, 08/14/2017

Joke Day: #3977

From: 08/02/17
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 02

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

This morning, President Trump announced a new immigration plan that will favor people who speak English. Which is why tonight, he had to deport himself. "I am BIGLY, BIGLY sad!"

It was a busy day for Trump. He also signed off on new sanctions against Russia for interfering with our election — and a source says that he talked to Vladimir Putin on the phone right before. When people said that was inappropriate, Trump said, "I agree — I wanted to FaceTime!"

A new study finds that George Clooney has the most handsome face because of his eyes, nose, chin, and mouth. In other words, he has the most handsome face because of his face.

"The Today Show" just featured a group of moms in California who said that smoking weed makes them better parents. When asked if their kids agree, the moms were like, "Oh crap, the kids!"

Scientists just discovered that millions of years ago, flowers had both male and female parts. As a result, President Trump has banned those flowers from serving in the military.

The Late Late Show with James Corden

This past week, a signed sketch of the Manhattan skyline drawn by Donald Trump in 2005 was bought at auction for nearly $30,000. Bidding started at $9,000 and went all the way up to $30,000. Making this Trump's only venture to ever turn a profit.

Let's be honest, it's not a great drawing. I'd normally say "Keep your day job," but I don't want that either.

The dating app Tinder recently paid a woman's flight change fee after she missed her flight because she was on a great Tinder date. That's how rare great Tinder dates are. If you have one, you win a free trip.

Elon Musk recently announced that the government has approved a plan for something called a "Hyperloop" that will transport people between New York and D.C. in just 29 minutes. "Hyperloop?" I don't know how much I trust [that as] public transportation. That sounds like it should be a ride at Six Flags.

Apparently this thing shoots people through a tube at 700 miles an hour! And, when you arrive in New York it drops you straight off at Macy's so you can buy a clean pair of underwear.

It can get you out of Washington, D.C., and into New York City in 29 minutes. Or, as Melania Trump calls it, not fast enough.

Hospitals in Chicago have seen the number of baby deliveries double this month. Which would be remarkable, until you realize that's exactly nine months after the Chicago Cubs won the World Series.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

The president's approval rating has dropped to a new low. This is a newer low than the last new low. It is down to 33 percent today, which I think is lower than the "Emoji Movie." There's no light at the end of the tunnel.

Did you hear what Trump said about living in the White House? According to Golf magazine, of all places, the president told a group of members at his club in New Jersey the White House is a real dump. A White House spokesperson today denied the president said that, so it's true.

To be fair, Donald Trump thinks any building that doesn't have his name on it is a dump.

The president is in an absolute tailspin. His approval rating is in the basement. And, he's living in a dump.

Tomorrow the president is leaving for a two-week vacation to his beloved Bedminster golf club in New Jersey. Finally, he'll get time to play some golf.

Tue, 08/15/2017

Joke Day: #3978

From: 08/03/17
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 03

Late Night With Seth Meyers

According to The Associated Press, President Trump will take a 17-day vacation starting tomorrow at his golf club in New Jersey. Seventeen days in New Jersey doesn’t sound like a vacation, it sounds like an episode of “I Survived.”

That’s more days than Chris Christie has spent in New Jersey.

I’m pretty sure if you spend 17 days in Jersey, you become an honorary member of the E Street Band.

According to The Hollywood Reporter, President Trump was being considered for the role of president in the 2015 TV movie “Sharknado 3,” and was upset when the job was given to someone else, and then even more upset [shows photo of Hillary on movie poster] when he found out who got it.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

The Wall Street Journal is reporting Robert Mueller, the special counsel investigating Russia’s interference in the 2016 election, has impaneled a grand jury. I’m going to say something nobody has ever said before: “God, I wish I had jury duty!”

But really, how are they ever going to find unbiased people to serve on this jury? “Ma’am, have you ever heard of a man by the name of Donald Trump?” “No, Father never mentioned him in our cave-dwelling cult.”

Do you guys remember the beginning of the Trump administration? You’ll recall that in the first week, back when we were giving him a chance, Trump was calling all the world leaders, you know, getting to know them. “Hi, hello? Hi. My name is Donald. I like to eat steak. What are you wearing? Hello? Hello?”

Two of the calls were with the president of Mexico and the prime minister of Australia. Rumor is, the calls did not go well. First, Trump talked to Mexican President Enrique Peña Nieto and when he got off the phone, said basically, “Great news, they’re paying for the wall.” But Peña Nieto said, “Que estas hablando/what you talkin’ ’bout, Willis?”

Wed, 08/16/2017

Joke Day: #3979

From: 08/03/17
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 04

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

A transcript from President Trump’s phone call with the Australian prime minister was just leaked and at one point, Trump referred to U.S. dairy farmers as local milk people. Even worse, he referred to cows as spotted milk horses.

Trump is also being criticized for his conversation with the president of Mexico, where he called New Hampshire “a drug-infested den.” New Hampshire says it’s furious, while Colorado says it has to find a new nickname.

Trump was actually busted for saying that a bunch of people called to compliment him this week, when they hadn’t. When asked about it today, Trump said, “I can’t talk now, I’m on the phone with the governor of Narnia.”

Trump is trying to impress his new chief of staff, John Kelly, by listing a lot of facts during meetings. They’re all Snapple facts, but still. “Cats have 100 vocal cords.” “Made from the best stuff on Earth.”

Jimmy Kimmel Live

President Trump is about to go on vacation. He’s off for two blissful weeks on the Island of Covfefe.

He’s going to his Trump golf resort in New Jersey. Some people are angry he’s taking vacation for two weeks. I think it is a good thing. I mean, we’ll still have a country for two more weeks.

Before he slips into those size 46 Van Heusen golf pants, the president made a stop in West Virginia to pound his chest for a large crowd of enthusiastic supporters. Earlier today, he teased that he would be making a big announcement. He doesn’t just make an announcement. First he announces he’s going to make an announcement. Then the announcement gets announced.

So the big announcement they were all excited about was that the governor of West Virginia, Jim Justice, was switching parties from Democrat to Republican. And he has a lot in common with the president. They’re both former Democrats who switched parties because they love Donald Trump. So now they’re on the same team.

Thu, 08/17/2017

Joke Day: #3980

From: 08/04/17

Top of Page   Joke: 05

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

President Trump started his big vacation today. But before he left, he visited FEMA’s headquarters. FEMA said it was a nice change of pace to have a disaster come to them.

But the big story is that Special Counsel Robert Mueller is bringing evidence before a grand jury for the Russia investigation. Trump was confused, because he thought a grand jury was something you order at Denny’s. “I’ll have a grand jury, side of bacon.”

Former Mexican President Vicente Fox was on CNN this morning, and he seemed to express his feelings once again about Trump’s border wall pretty clearly: [clip of Fox] “Well, you can use my words, we’ll never play for that [bleeping] wall.” Trump was like, “So it sounds like there’s some wiggle room there.”

ABC is dropping plans for a live musical of “The Little Mermaid” because of budget issues. Also, because nobody can hold their breath underwater for two hours.

Sunday’s episode of “Game of Thrones” will be the show’s shortest episode ever at just 50 minutes. Yeah, so after the opening credits, that’s only two minutes of actual show.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

You know who is going to have a nice, fun long weekend? Donald Trump. Because starting today, he begins a 17-day vacation. [Audience boos.] No, he’s earned it ... is a phrase that you don’t say about Donald Trump.

Trump has spent the last year telling us that the mainstream media is “fake news.” So now he’s finally fighting back, because President Trump has launched his own news program on his Facebook page ... that LOOKS like state-sponsored propaganda.

The WWE has trademarked the Bible verse numbers 3:16. It is the most inappropriate case of commercializing the Bible since King Solomon’s baby-sized Ginsu knives. “Cut that baby in one swipe!”

The WWE-trademarked 3:16 refers to one of the Bible’s most quoted verses, John 3:16: “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only son, that those who believe in him shall not die but have eternal life.” Or, as the WWE will now put it, “Christ-a-mania is running wild! Woo, baby!”

Fri, 08/18/2017

Joke Day: #3981

From: 08/07/17
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 06

Jimmy Kimmel Live

President Trump is on 17-day vacation at a golf course — and tweeted 15 times today.

Meanwhile the Russian president, Vladimir Putin, is also on vacation. Which is kind of suspicious. It’s like when your husband and secretary go on a work trip together.

According to The New York Times, Vice President Mike Pence is planning on running for president if Trump doesn’t run for a second term. But he issued a statement strongly denying the article, saying it was disgraceful, offensive to me, my family and our entire team. He said to suggest he is running for president in 2020 is laughable and absurd. Right, why would Mike Pence want to be president in 2020? He’s going to be president much, much sooner than that.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Fox News host Eric Bolling has been suspended following reports that he sent lewd photos to multiple female coworkers. Or as Fox News is reporting it: “Did Hillary Frame Eric Bolling?”

According to reports, officials at the Department of Agriculture told staffers to avoid the term “climate change” in their research and to use terms like “weather extremes” instead. And instead of earthquakes, they’re now called “li’l shakeroos.”

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

As of Friday, Donald Trump is on a 17-day vacation at his golf club in Bedminster, New Jersey. He’s there to relax after months of grueling golf at Mar-a-Lago.

But the president swears he’s not taking it easy, tweeting: “Working in Bedminster, N.J., as long-planned construction is being done at the White House. This is not a vacation — meetings and calls!” Meetings AND calls! Wow! Both of them! Trump has to do all that during his vacation? Man, I would NOT want to work for Vladimir Putin. Tough boss!

Trump’s buddy Vladimir Putin is also taking a break. He’s in Siberia putting on a snorkel and shooting fish with a spear gun. Though he later claimed the fish were killed by Ukrainian separatists.

Of course, since it’s Putin, he also released photos of himself chilling by the river. [shows photo of bare-chested Putin] Man, those sanctions have already devastated the Russian shirt industry.

I will say, compared to Trump THAT looks like a vacation. I would love to go on a bro-down fishing trip with Vladimir Putin. I’ll bet it would be so much fun that I’d NEVER come back.

Sat, 08/19/2017

Joke Day: #3982

From: 08/07/17
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 07

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

President Trump is in the middle of his 17-day trip to his New Jersey golf course, but he says it isn’t a vacation. And the staff at the White House said, “For us it is.”

The Kremlin just released photos of Vladimir Putin on vacation. Putin was like, “Forget about the dad bod, feast your eyes on the Vlad bod.”

As much as people complain about Trump going on vacation, at least he keeps his shirt on.

Mike Pence is denying speculation that he wants to be elected president in 2020. Pence was like, “I think you mean re-elected president in 2020.”

Former communications director Anthony Scaramucci wants to turn his time in the White House into a sitcom. Networks say it’s impossible, because sitcoms have to last at least 30 minutes.

Tonight was the finale of “The Bachelorette.” Millions of people tuned into the finale to see who Rachel would spend the rest of her summer with.

Conan O'Brien

The Mars Curiosity Rover celebrated its fifth year in space by humming “Happy Birthday” to itself. The Rover then drank a bottle of white wine and cried itself to sleep.

Vice President Mike Pence denies he’s planning to run for president in 2020. He said, “I’m pretty sure I’ll be president way before then.”

The White House is undergoing a $3.4 million renovation. Trump said he’s hoping to replace the kitchen, the carpeting, and the attorney general.

The Late Late Show with James Corden

We reached an important milestone today, because it was Donald Trump’s 200th day in the White House today. Whooo! Of course, he celebrated in his favorite way, by not going to work at the White House.

In fact this morning Trump tweeted he will be working in New Jersey while the White House goes through a long-planned renovation. Yeah, the White House does need some work. Apparently that place has a ton of leaks.

Vice President Mike Pence is adamantly denying a New York Times article claiming that he has begun a secret campaign for a presidential run in 2020. He says he has even less interest in being president than Trump does, which is saying something.

Pence is like, “This is ridiculous. I’m not focused on being president in 2020, I’m focused on being president after Trump is impeached sometime this year.”

Sun, 08/20/2017

Joke Day: #3983

From: 08/08/17
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 08

The Late Late Show with James Corden

"France elected a new president. Centrist candidate Emmanuel Macron won the French presidential election, defeating the far-right candidate Marine Le Pen. Macron won by a large margin, easily getting more votes — which, most Americans will be surprised to learn, is how you win most elections in almost all the countries."

"House Republicans spent the weekend defending the bill they just passed to replace Obamacare. Now healthcare is incredibly important. So I'm sure these Republican congressmen read the new bill very closely, right? One of those guys said, 'I turned through every page.' That's not reading. By his definition, I've read the entire English Oxford Dictionary, the Bible, and my CBS contracts.

"White House Chief of Staff Reince Priebus responded to critics of the bill saying if you have a pre-existing condition this president is not going to let you down. And, he better hope so because the name Reince Priebus sounds like a pre-existing condition. Doesn't it? 'I'm afraid we have bad news. We found traces of your Reince in your Priebus.'"

Late Night With Seth Meyers

"Centrist politician Emmanuel Macron won the French presidential election yesterday over far-right candidate Marine Le Pen — thanks to France's unusual practice of awarding the presidency to the person with the most votes."

"According to a new report, Senator Bernie Sanders's wife Jane Sanders is being investigated by the FBI for alleged bank fraud. Even worse, her husband is being investigated by his local deli for alleged Splenda theft. 'These should be free!'"

"Former President Bill Clinton is teaming up with author James Patterson to write a new book called 'The President Is Missing.' It'll be followed by the sequel, 'Never Mind, He's at the Golf Course.'"

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

"Donald Trump continues to follow through on his promise to drain the swamp because it was announced on Friday the White House has fired its chief usher. It took a while for her to leave the building because there was no one available to show her the door. Poor planning."

"I don't know about you, but ever since the House passed the new healthcare bill last week, I've been trying to decide: Should I move to Canada, or just stay drunk?"

Mon, 08/21/2017

Joke Day: #3984

From: 08/08/17
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 09

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

"Some big news from overseas. Yesterday, France elected 39-year-old Emmanuel Macron to be its new president. Trump said he's worried that, at 39, the president may be a little immature — then went back to tweeting insults at CNN."

"Macron actually won despite having his campaign hacked. Or as one guy put it (Russian accent), 'Eh — you help win some, you help lose some.'"

"Republican Congressman Raul Labrador is under fire for saying that 'nobody dies because they don't have access to healthcare.' Then Trump was like, 'No way — a talking Labrador? I gotta meet this dog! This is unbelievable!'"

Conan O'Brien

"In France this weekend, far-right-wing candidate Marine Le Pen lost the presidential election by millions of votes. And here's the cool part, in France, if you lose by millions of votes that means you don't get to be president."

"In Colorado, a high school teacher has been put on leave after her class smashed a President Trump piñata. When he heard this, Trump was especially furious that he had been made into something that brings joy to Mexicans."

"A new biography of President Obama is coming out and it claims that before Michelle, he had a fiancée whose parents didn't think much of Obama's job prospects. Actually, I think they had a point, because now Obama's a 55-year-old unemployed man."

Tue, 08/22/2017

Joke Day: #3985

From: 08/09/17
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 10

Jimmy Kimmel Live

"Donald Trump, who maybe you haven't heard is president now, a few hours ago fired James Comey, the director of the FBI — which is kind of like O.J. firing Judge Ito halfway through the trial."

"He fired the director of the FBI while the director was investigating his people for possible collusion with Russia. This is unbelievable. This is the kind of thing dictators do. This is the kind of thing reality TV hosts do, they fire someone every week."

"Maybe that's what happened, he thinks he's still on 'The Celebrity Apprentice.' It was between James Comey and Meatloaf, and, well, the Loaf won again."

"One reason they gave for firing him is because he mishandled the Hillary Clinton email situation, which is hilarious because that would mean Trump fired James Comey for making him president."

"We've seen a lot of unusual stuff, but this is outrageous. When something outrageous happens, I don't just sit on my hands, I do something about it. That's why I will be selling these 'Comey Is My Homey' t-shirts. Send me $29.99, and I will use some of that money to send a very nasty letter to the Oval Office."

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

"Huge story that broke just minutes ago: FBI Director James Comey has just been fired by Donald Trump. That shows no gratitude at all. Did Trump forget about the Hillary emails that Comey talked about? 'Thanks for the presidency, Jimmy. Now don't let the door hit ya where the Electoral College split ya.'"

"Yesterday, we learned that during their first meeting after the election, Obama warned Trump about hiring Michael Flynn. And it was just as effective as when Obama warned America about hiring Trump."

"Why didn't Trump heed this warning? Sources say Trump thought Obama was joking. You know, that old joke: 'Why did the chicken cross the road?' 'He's working for the Russians. And it's actually Michael Flynn in a chicken costume."

Wed, 08/23/2017

Joke Day: #3986

From: 08/09/17
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 11

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

"Yesterday, President Trump tweeted that the investigation into ties between his campaign and Russia is a 'taxpayer-funded charade.' And he said he'd be even angrier about it if he were a taxpayer."

"I saw that Trump's daughter Tiffany will attend Georgetown Law School this fall. The president was so excited, today he said, 'Congratulations to my non-Ivanka daughter!'"

Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday, Kim Jong Un hurled a series of insults at Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton. In a related story, Fox News has finally found its replacement for Bill O'Reilly."

"In her testimony, Sally Yates said she warned White House officials about Mike Flynn being compromised by the Russians. Yates also tried to warn Mike Pence, but every time she entered the room he yelled, 'Out, temptress!'"

"Today former President Obama said, 'You get the politicians you deserve.' When the bartender tried to cut him off, Obama said, 'I'm FIIIINE!'"

"A few hours ago, President Trump fired FBI Director James Comey. Apparently Trump still hasn't forgiven Comey for making him president.

"A senator made history this week by breastfeeding in the Senate Chamber. The bad news is, it was Mitch McConnell."

The Late Late Show with James Corden

"President Trump has fired FBI director James Comey. A massive story, a massive decision. Hey, remember two years ago when we all made jokes about if Trump ever became president, he'd be like, 'You're fired. You're fired. You're fired.'"

"The White House is saying Comey has been fired for his handling of the Hillary Clinton email investigation. Other people are saying he's being fired because of the Russia investigation. While I say Comey is being fired because Donald Trump is crazy!"

Thu, 08/24/2017

Joke Day: #3987

From: 08/10/17
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 12

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Tensions with North Korea continue to rise. And you can tell Trump’s nervous because he’s been wearing a “Make America Great Again” helmet.

I read that the U.S. has a plan to launch a cyberattack on North Korea. It’s pretty serious. They say it could affect both of North Korea’s computers.

The news organizations are actually telling people what to do in case of a nuclear attack. They say people should immediately stay inside and keep watching Netflix.

Today Trump said that if North Korea doesn’t get its act together, they’re going to be in big trouble. “Now, look, I’m not mad. I’m just disappointed.”

A spokesperson for North Korea called president Trump a senile man who can’t think rationally. But it turns out they just stole that from Trump’s Twitter bio.

I read that you can now go on Airbnb and rent Trump’s childhood home, where he lived until he was 4. So at least there’s one house where he lasted four years.

Conan O'Brien

Archaeologists have just uncovered evidence of a Native American civilization that vanished, completely vanished in the 13th century. Isn’t that amazing? Apparently they died out months after selecting their new leader, Chief Trump. Then they were gone.

They found a skull with a big orange wig on it. Scowling at them. But it was the best skull you’ve ever seen.

A Russian spy plane was spotted over New Jersey. Yeah. The Russian pilot was overheard saying, “You know, Siberia’s not so bad.”

Football stadiums are going to get a delivery system that will bring food right to your seat. However, if you’re a Rams fan, your food will most likely be intercepted and returned for a touchdown.

Wal-Mart is testing out an app that would allow shoppers to skip the checkout line. Currently that service is known as shoplifting.

The singer The Weeknd is reportedly considering changing his name. This is on the advice of his son, Staycation.

In Virginia someone broke into a man’s apartment, cleaned it, and took nothing. Completely cleaned the place. Police are describing the suspect as his mother.

Chipotle has closed a location in Dallas after diners filmed three rats falling from the ceiling. Don’t worry, the rats died of E. coli before they hit the ground.

A recent study found that sex burns about 3.5 calories per minute. It’s funny, because that was always my pickup line. Hey, baby, want to come back to my place and burn 7 calories?

The Late Late Show with James Corden

This morning Donald Trump started another Twitter war. This time he tweeted at Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell, telling him to “get back to work on a healthcare bill.” I’m impressed. It is extremely difficult to type the words “get back to work” on a phone while simultaneously teeing off with a 3-wood.

Now sources say Mitch McConnell is going to shoot back a response — as soon as his grandchildren show him what Twitter is and how to use it.

I mean, McConnell versus Trump, this is big, guys. I don’t know who is going to win this battle. It really is a case of the turtle and the hair.

A lot of people are fed up with Donald Trump, but one man has decided to do something about it. A protester in Washington, D.C., has installed a giant inflatable chicken with Trump hair directly behind the White House. The inflatable chicken cost $1,300. Or another way to put that: Worth every penny.

Former White House communications director Anthony Scaramucci — you know, the Mooch — posted a tweet comparing what happened during his firing from the White House to what happened to Monica Lewinsky during the Bill Clinton sex scandal. Now think about this: Scaramucci is comparing himself to someone who helped get a president impeached. I LIKE where this is going.

Fri, 08/25/2017

Joke Day: #3988

From: 08/10/17
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 13

Late Night With Seth Meyers

In an interview Tuesday, White House adviser Steven Miller called President Trump the best orator in that office in generations. When reached for comments, Trump said, “Wow, he say very nice things, he good and me good. Me orator.”

President Trump’s inauguration singer, whose sister is transgender, recently called the president’s ban on transgender people in the military a disappointment. Well, sounds like someone is not getting invited to sing at his impeachment.

A Japanese company has created a new high-end fidget spinner that they say can spin for more than 12 minutes — beating the previous record for spinning held by Kellyanne Conway.

A truck carrying 22,000 pounds of ravioli and jalapenos caught on fire while on a highway in Indiana — and immediately became Guy Fieri’s latest restaurant.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

Things are getting tense between Donald Trump and Kim Jong Un. We didn’t start it. North Korea has been testing these missiles and saying they’re making them specifically to attack the United States. So, obviously, a firm response is necessary — but maybe not “fire and fury the likes of which the world has never seen.”

I understand wanting to say that, but this is like a hostage negotiation, and you don’t start with, “Go ahead, kill everybody. I’ll kill ’em way deader.”

To be fair, North Korea isn’t helping. Today, they said they’re drawing up plans to launch four intermediate-range ballistic missiles into waters near Guam. NEAR Guam, but not ON Guam. Which is the geopolitical equivalent of your brother saying, “I’m not touching you. You can’t tell Mom, ’cause I’m not touching you. I’m not touching your face. Why are you crying? I’m not touching you.”

Fri, 09/01/2017

Joke Day: #3989

From: 08/15/17
(** Part 1 **)

Top of Page   Joke: 14

Jimmy Kimmel Live

President Donald Trump was supposed to hold a press conference about infrastructure, and it ended with our president making an angry and passionate defense of white supremacists. I don't know who decided it would be a good idea to send him out there to talk to reporters today. But whoever did obviously misread his state of mind and the mood in this country right now.

I feel like I can say this with reasonable certainty: The president is completely unhinged. The wheels are off the wagon and hurtling toward the moon right now.

Everybody's been asking, you think Trump's going to last four years? I'm wondering now if any of us are going to last four years. I haven't screamed at my TV this much since McDreamy died.

The only person who's happy right now is Sean Spicer. He's doing backflips, wherever he is.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

President Trump last night made his first visit to Manhattan since his inauguration. Meanwhile, Hillary Clinton visited three Manhattans and a Bud Light.

In a new interview, former White House communications director Anthony Scaramucci said that he recently realized his signature sunglasses were made for women. Not only that, but his suit is actually a child’s Halloween costume.

Airbnb is reportedly permanently banning white supremacists from making reservations on the site, because they keep cutting eyeholes in their hosts’ sheets.

An Alabama woman missing for nearly a month said she was able to survive in the woods on mushrooms. Said officials, “Ma’am, you were out there for 45 minutes.”

Taco Bell has announced that it will soon launch the Naked Egg Taco, a breakfast taco that uses a fried egg as its shell. Coincidentally, “Naked Egg” is also your body type if you eat breakfast at Taco Bell.

Sat, 09/02/2017

Joke Day: #3990

From: 08/15/17
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 15

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Well, President Trump arrived in New York last night, and actually slept in Trump Tower. Yeah, when Trump asked for a wake-up call, they just showed him his poll numbers.

Kim Jong Un says he's decided not to fire missiles at Guam. Then Trump said, “You mean I learned where Guam was for nothing?”

There’s some nasty weather moving up the East Coast right now, known as Tropical Storm Gert. When they heard, people named Gert were like, “Oh, come on, my life’s bad enough as it is!”

Costco has to pay Tiffany’s $19 million for selling 2,500 fake Tiffany rings. Husbands don’t know what’s worse, having to tell their wife her ring ISN’T from Tiffany, or that it IS from Costco. “I’ve got bad news and worse news...”

I read about a 98-year-old woman and a 94-year-old man here in New York who just got married. And if you want to get them a gift… hurry!

A man in the U.K. saved his pet tortoise by giving it mouth-to-mouth resuscitation — at least that’s what he told his wife when she walked in on them.

Conan O'Brien

In an impromptu press conference, President Trump said, "The hate and the division must stop." For a minute, the crowd got excited, because they thought Trump was resigning.

In the press conference, President Trump said that Steve Bannon was a good friend and not a racist. Then he said, "Oops, I meant to say, 'a good racist, and not a friend.'"

In his press conference, President Trump referred to the neo-Nazis as "history buffs." Then he referred to serial killers as "population control experts."

Google has banned the neo-Nazi website The Daily Stormer from its site. So now if you want to search for hate groups on the Internet, you’re completely out of luck!

A Florida man who accidentally fired a gun in a strip club restroom while trying to take a selfie has been sent to prison. The weird thing is everyone else at the Florida prison is there for the exact same reason.

The Late Late Show with James Corden

Remember yesterday, when Donald Trump came out very clearly against the white supremacists that marched in Charlottesville, Virginia? And we were like, it took too long for him to say it, but at least he said it. Finally got it out. Well, today you'll be pleased to know he totally reversed his statement and said there's blame on "both sides."

Blame on both sides. I agree with him, there was blame on both the white supremacist side and on the Nazi side.

Trump's the guy that walks out of "Star Wars" thinking they didn't have to blow up the Death Star.

Now, today, this wasn't even supposed to be about Charlottesville. Apparently, Trump went off script and improvised all of these remarks during a press conference about infrastructure, which is terrible because I'm pretty sure the first rule of infrastructure is whatever you do, don't burn bridges.

Standing next to Trump was Elaine Chao, Trump's secretary of Transportation. Which is good, because right now she's looking for the fastest possible way to transport herself out of there.

If you don't think Trump's statements are racist, you should at least know that racists are happy he made them. Immediately following Trump's speech, former KKK leader David Duke thanked Trump for his "honesty and courage." Well, there's a thank-you note you don't hang on your refrigerator.

David Duke was so grateful he even sent Trump one of those "hate-able arrangements."

Sun, 09/03/2017

Joke Day: #3991

From: 08/16/17
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 16

Jimmy Kimmel Live

We are enjoying a little bit of calm after a storm named Hurricane Donald ravaged much of the country yesterday.

The effects are still being felt and talked about. I don't know about you, but I feel like this is the only thing anyone talks about. Trump and maybe "Game of Thrones."

And "Game of Thrones" only has two episodes left. So, we're kind of screwed when that goes.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

While President Trump fielded questions yesterday about Charlottesville, White House Chief of Staff John Kelly was seen staring at the ground with his arms crossed. And after hearing the press conference, so was the Statue of Liberty.

When asked yesterday about his confidence in chief adviser and accused white nationalist Steve Bannon, President Trump said, “We’ll see what happens.” This is how much Trump cares about ratings — he ended a press conference on a cliffhanger. “Will Steve Bannon lose his job? Will Mike Pence and his wife finally go all the way? Find out tomorrow on ‘As the World Burns’!”

The studio behind the "Hunger Games" movies announced that it will be opening a theme park in South Korea dedicated to the films. They’re calling it “North Korea.”

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

I'm still recovering from President Trump's kamikaze press conference yesterday, where Donald let Donald be Donald — the consequences and our country be damned. It was truly one for the ages — specifically, 1939 to 1945.

Last Saturday, Nazis and the KKK provoked violence in Charlottesville, Virginia. That's what they wanted. That's why they went there. After a Nazi killed a young woman named Heather Heyer, Donald Trump made a statement and improvised during the statement, that there was violence on "many sides, many sides." And people were upset — other than Nazis. Nazis liked it.

So, Chief of Staff John Kelly pressed Trump to make another public statement. Grudgingly, Mr. Trump agreed. "OK, I'll say Nazis are bad, but you can't make me mean it. OK? Fingers crossed. Fingers crossed. I call Nazi backsies."

Mon, 09/04/2017

Joke Day: #3992

From: 08/16/17
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 17

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Yesterday, President Trump gave a big press conference on the subject of infrastructure. And all he had to do was stop right there. Just. Stop. Talking. For five minutes, just stop talking!

And mind you — this is him on vacation! He can't even get VACATION right. Imagine coming back to the office — "Hey, how was your two-week break?" "It was good — I defended Nazis. What'd you do?"

I guess this morning, Trump went to the Trump Tower Lost & Found looking for his mind. “I lost it yesterday afternoon.”

I’m starting to miss the old days when we were on the verge of nuclear war with North Korea.

I read that New York City could host the World Cup in 2026. That’s right, thousands of people trying not to use their hands — or as that's called in New York, "riding the subway."

The Connecticut lottery's mobile app malfunctioned this weekend and told some lottery winners they had lost. When instead, they should have been told, “You have a lottery app on your phone — get help.”

Conan O'Brien

Last night, the city of Baltimore removed four statues of Confederate heroes. Or, as Fox News reported it, "Baltimore liberals force pigeons from their homes."

The Trump administration named a new interim communications director and her name is Hope Hicks. So, apparently now they’re on the H’s.

President Trump dissolved his [manufacturing] advisory council because a bunch of CEOs dropped out. Trump said they didn’t "take their job seriously." Trump then went back to golfing and retweeting memes while sitting on the toilet.

As you probably all heard, North Korea has backed off its threat to launch a nuclear missile at Guam. So now the title of "Crazy Tyrant Most Likely to Destroy America" returns to defending champion, Donald Trump!

In Washington, D.C., yesterday, vandals spray-painted graffiti on the Lincoln Memorial. Historians are calling it the second worst thing to ever happen to Abraham Lincoln.

Today, all McDonald's in Canada are offering 67-cent burgers — as if Americans need yet another reason to move to Canada.

The Late Late Show with James Corden

Let's start off with some good news. Donald Trump did not have a press conference today.

But, today Donald Trump completely disbanded his manufacturing council after eight members quit in 48 hours. The way these CEOs are leaving Trump, you'd think they were married to him.

Forget creating new manufacturing jobs in this country. Trump can't even manufacture manufacturing councils.

The CEOs of Intel and Under Armour both resigned. Which means, somehow, Donald Trump figured out a way to lose the nerds and the jocks at the same time.

The CEO of the company 3M also resigned, and when Donald Trump asked why, they said that 3M doesn't want to be associated with three K’s.

Tue, 09/05/2017

Joke Day: #3993

From: 08/17/17
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 18

Jimmy Kimmel Live

The jackpot is up, an enormous sum. Playing the Powerball is a great way to spend quality time with strangers outside gas stations.

If you win and decide to take the money in a lump sum, $324 million before taxes. And I’m not an expert on finances, but you should take the lump sum. The way things are going right now, you may not make it to your second installment.

President Trump is having a historically bad week, which he kept going strong with a string of combative tweets this morning. He makes one good point. If we’re going to start taking down every monument that pays tribute to racists, we should probably take down every building with the name “Trump” on it.

I love how he’s trying to pretend these white supremacists are art lovers and historical preservationists. “Grab your tiki torch and swastika, Bob, they’re trying to take our sculptures away.” He knows we’re not building one for him, right?

Meanwhile, the vice president, Mike Pence, cut his trip to Central America short to come back to Washington with all this going on. He was in the White House today measuring the drapes.

We haven’t heard much about Russia lately, but this is interesting. They did an international survey, and most countries now have more confidence in Vladimir Putin than Donald Trump. Out of 37 countries, 22 of them said they have more faith in Putin. Other countries are now watching “Rocky IV” and hoping Drago wins.

Only 5 percent of Mexicans say they trust Trump, which still seems like a lot. That’s like 5 percent of Smurfs trusting Gargamel.

Some schools are giving kids an Eclipse Day, a day off, because they’re worried teachers might not be able to protect their eyes. These kids haven’t looked up from their phones since January.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Axios today published a list of groups that President Trump has alienated during his first seven months of office. And now the world is out of paper.

In a new interview, Kim Kardashian revealed that she did karaoke with former President Obama. Said Obama, “That was just the National Anthem…”

A man in Texas accused of having sex with a chain link fence failed to appear in court last week and is now on the run from police. Which is weird because it sounds like he would have a great time in the prison yard.

A song which consists of nearly 10 minutes of silence has made it to the top 50 purchases on the iTunes charts. Said Mike Pence, “This rocks!”

Today was National Thrift Shop Day. And to celebrate, our president is 99 percent off.

Wed, 09/06/2017

Joke Day: #3994

From: 08/17/17
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 19

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

I saw that a life-sized statue of President Trump was just installed on a park bench here in New York. Even pigeons were like, “I’m gonna take my business elsewhere.”

Speaking of statues, did you see this today? The president tweeted that removing Confederate statues takes beauty out of our parks that can never be replaced. Then he said, “Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go cut down a bunch of trees to build a hotel and golf course.”

The dating site OkCupid is banning white supremacists. So, white supremacists will have to look for love where they usually do — family reunions.

Twenty-year-old Nobel Peace Prize winner Malala Yousafzai has been accepted to Oxford University. When she puts her Nobel Prize on the shelf, her roommate will quietly put away all her youth soccer trophies.

You know the band Belle and Sebastian? Well, they accidentally left the drummer behind at a Walmart in his pajamas, with no phone or wallet. So they called Walmart to see if there was a guy wandering around in his PJs with no phone or wallet, and Walmart said, “You gotta be WAY more specific.”

Conan O'Brien

Some white supremacists are now upset because they’re taking DNA tests and discovering they’re part black. And you know who’s even more upset? Their black ancestors.

President Trump said that North Korean leader Kim Jong Un’s choice to not attack Guam was a “wise and well-reasoned decision.” Trump said, “Someday I’m gonna make one of those.”

In a tweet this morning, President Trump called Confederate statues “beautiful.” People were shocked because it’s the first time Trump has complimented anything that’s over 40 years old.

President Trump tweeted this morning that he’s “sad” over the removal of our “beautiful statues.” Of course, Trump may just be sticking up for his fellow bronze-colored symbols of hate.

The American Cancer Society has decided not to host its charity event at Trump’s resort, Mar-a-Lago. You know it’s not a good sign for Trump when he’s considered too toxic for cancer.

Hillary Clinton is coming out with a book called “What Happened.” Out of habit, Bill Clinton immediately came out with his own book called “Baby, I Can Explain.”

The Late Late Show with James Corden

This morning, on Twitter, Donald Trump complained about Confederate statues being taken down, saying that our country is being ripped apart by the removal of these beautiful Confederate monuments. “Beautiful Confederate monuments” — or as pigeons call them, “toilets.”

Trump thinks these 100-year-old Confederate monuments are beautiful. Which is weird. Usually Trump doesn’t call anything beautiful if it’s over 30 years old.

“There’s literally no difference between Robert E. Lee and George Washington” — that’s a quote from Donald Trump. Literally no difference, except there’s literally a difference, like literally their names are different. You literally don’t know what literally means.

Thu, 09/07/2017

Joke Day: #3995

From: 08/22/17

Top of Page   Joke: 20

Conan O'Brien

Mark Wahlberg has been named 2017’s highest-paid male actor. Today, Mark said, "I don’t know why either."

There were a lot of protestors at a rally today in Phoenix attended by President Trump and Vice President Pence. Things got awkward when it turned out that the "Impeach Trump" chants were being led by Mike Pence.

Before announcing his decision on Afghanistan, President Trump was said to have made a 'rigorous' review of the issue. Yes, Trump said, "I must have read at least four tweets about it!"

In his speech on Afghanistan, President Trump said, "Attack we will." Then Trump introduced his new military strategist: General Mad Dog Yoda.

There's a new beer coming out that contains marijuana. Unfortunately, the inventor cannot for the life of him remember how he made it.

India has outlawed its long, long practice of "instant divorce." However, India will still continue to offer its popular "Cool Ranch Divorce."

Arby's is celebrating the "Game of Thrones" season finale by offering its customers a giant turkey leg. It’s all part of their "Game of Thrones" tie-in, "Diarrhea is Coming."

Fri, 09/08/2017

Joke Day: #3996

From: 08/23/17

Top of Page   Joke: 21

Conan O'Brien

Last night President Trump said of his critics, "I went to better schools than they did. I was a better student than they were. I live in a bigger, more beautiful apartment. And I live in the White House, too." Then someone handed Trump a fidget spinner and he quieted right down.

At yesterday’s Trump rally, the crowd was chanting "CNN Sucks!" And man, you do not want to hear what they had to say about the Science Channel.

Last night President Trump spoke at a rally in Arizona and really fired up his supporters. He opened his speech by saying, "Our movement is a movement built on love." In other words, he started with his best joke.

It is being reported that President Trump is no longer speaking to Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell. Upon hearing this, Melania went to McConnell and said, "Teach me, Master."

In Saudi Arabia, a 14-year-old boy was detained for dancing to the Macarena. You know, I don’t say this often but I’m going to side with the Saudi government on this one.

Some parents in California are mad that a kindergarten teacher read their kids a book about transgenderism. It was the Dr. Seuss classic, "Cat in the Hat Who Identifies as a Dog."

In her new book, Hillary Clinton calls Donald Trump a "creep" who "made her skin crawl." When he heard, Trump smiled and said, "I still got it."

Sat, 09/09/2017

Joke Day: #3997

From: 09/05/17
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 22

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Former President Obama today criticized President Trump's decision to end the DACA program. Of course, the only reason Trump wants to end it is because he thinks DACA is Obama's middle name. "We must end the failed policies of Barack DACA Hussein Obama."

Incidentally, DACA is also what Hillary Clinton shouts at the bar when she wants another daiquiri. "Can I get a DACA?"

New York Mayor Bill de Blasio recently praised his running of the city, saying, "You'd assume they'd be having parades in the streets." Unfortunately, New Yorkers can't get to the streets because they're stuck underground on the subway all day.

Nintendo recently announced that its character Mario is no longer a plumber. Apparently, he was fired after coming to work on mushrooms.

Mercedes-Benz will debut plans next month for a self-driving electric smart car. The car is so smart, when you turn it on, it drives straight out of America.

Starbucks is adding a sushi burrito to the menu at some of its locations. So, yes, their bathrooms CAN get any worse.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

Harvey is an unprecedented disaster. I'm clear in saying that. That's true, right? Speaking of unprecedented disasters, Donald Trump. He went down to Texas and had a little trouble nailing the comforter-in-chief tone, like when he spoke to a group of locals and said, "What a crowd, what a turnout." That crowd was really excited to see Donald Trump. Or, they heard there'd be drinking water. Either way, pretty excited.

There's a man-made disaster unfolding in Washington because the Trump administration has announced they're ending the Deferred Action for Childhood Arrivals program, or DACA. The thing is, the vast majority of Americans like this program, so by canceling it, Trump has stepped in some deep DACA.

Earlier today, he tweeted, "Congress, get ready to do your job. DACA!" He loves the abbreviations. "DACA! MAGA! MAGA! DACA!" He's speaking in tongues at this point, is what is happening.

Sun, 09/10/2017

Joke Day: #3998

From: 09/05/17
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 23

The Late Late Show with James Corden

Donald Trump decided to end DACA — a program that protects young undocumented immigrants from being deported. So, now, this means a lot of immigrants may get sent back to their native countries. When she heard this, Melania said, "I volunteer as tribute."

The announcement was formally made by Attorney General Jeff Sessions, who spoke about the young people facing deportation. And, during the announcement, he said, "This does not mean they are bad people." To which everyone replied, "No, YOU’RE bad people."a

The immigrants who have benefited from DACA are called Dreamers. Sessions explained that the kids will still be Dreamers, but in more of a "Nightmare on Elm Street" sort of way.

Already the states of New York and Washington say that they have plans to sue Trump over this. And that feels like a way to judge whether you're a good president or not. Ask yourself, "How many U.S. states are currently suing me right now?" If it's more than zero, you could improve.

Journalists asked Russian President Vladimir Putin if he was disappointed in Donald Trump, and Putin replied that it was a naïve question to ask because Trump is "not my bride." That's a weird way to explain it. Putin said Trump is "not my bride." But a second later he was all, "More like my b***h!"

Of course, Putin and Trump aren't married. Trump would never marry someone who is only seven years younger than him. Not to mention, Putin's [breasts] just aren't big enough.

Is everyone excited for the Stephen King movie "It?" It's coming out this weekend. It's the one about the evil clown. Well, bad news. The World Clown Association has released a statement condemning the movie, saying that it's preventing clowns from getting work. I don't think I'm alone in saying it's hard to take you seriously when your organization is called the World Clown Association.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Labor Day, in case you don't know history, was established all the way back in 1894 as a way to give Americans an extra day to dread going back to work after the weekend. And it's been very successful. We were off for two weeks. And it's interesting. When we left, we were busy reliving the Civil War. Now we're back with the good old-fashioned Korean War.

Pumpkin spice latte season is happening now, which is great news. My doctor's been saying I haven't been getting enough syrup in my diet.

Meanwhile, our pumpkin spice president was very busy. He was on the scene in Houston over the weekend to meet with Texans affected by Hurricane Harvey. And watch this. He's with a group. They were serving meals to people who were displaced from their homes. They handed him a pair of latex gloves for health reasons because he's serving food. And here's how that went: "My hands are too big." His hands are too big for the gloves. Like O.J. They're too big.

This morning our president woke up and asked his staff, "Now that this hurricane is over, what's something horrible I can do to distract people from the Russia investigation?" Someone said, "You know, there are 800,000 innocent kids you could deport for no good reason." And he said, "Done and done."

President Trump has decided to do away with what's known as the Deferred Action for Childhood Arrivals — DACA, they call it. It's a program that gives undocumented immigrants whose parents brought them into the country when they were children the chance to work and go to school legally. And this is what he wants to do away with. Mostly because President Obama's the one who ordered it. It seems like his main agenda is just to undo everything Obama did. I hope he doesn't bring bin Laden back to life.

The president's spokesperson said it was a difficult decision, the president's been debating it for months, but ultimately Donald Trump believes that if these kids want to be American they have to do it the right way. By marrying Donald Trump. And that's as simple as that.

Mon, 09/11/2017

Joke Day: #3999

From: 09/05/17
(**Part 3**)

Top of Page   Joke: 24

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

It was announced today that President Trump is ending the DACA program, and may deport immigrants who came to the U.S. decades ago. Many people are outraged, while Melania was like, "Well, rules are rules."

Lot of celebrity babies are happening right now. It was just announced that Prince William and Kate Middleton are expecting their third child. Kate's very excited about the baby. In fact, she said that she can already feel it waving.

I also want to say congratulations to Serena Williams, who just welcomed a baby girl. The doctor gave the baby to Serena, then Serena returned it, then the doctor sent it back, then Serena returned it again, and won the point. It was amazing to watch.

I read that a sailboat near Greece that was in distress was busted for carrying 1,500 pounds of marijuana. Actually, the boat wasn't actually in distress. Turns out it was just being paranoid.

Tue, 09/12/2017

Joke Day: #4000

From: 09/06/17
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 25

Late Night With Seth Meyers

President Trump broke with Republicans today and struck a deal with Democrats on a short-term extension of the debt ceiling. And you know what that means! No, you don't. Neither do I, and this guy [picture of Trump] definitely doesn't know.

As Hurricane Irma hit the Caribbean this morning, President Trump tweeted, "Hurricane looks like largest ever recorded in the Atlantic!" Hey, man, could you try not to sound so excited? It's a hurricane, not "The Game of Thrones" finale.

Today President Trump said, "It looks like it could be something that will be not good." I have to say, when a natural disaster is bearing down on our country, it would be nice to hear from a leader who knows more words than Tarzan. Hurricane bad. Much wind, not good. Cheetah save.

When asked today if he is considering military action against North Korea, President Trump told reporters, "Certainly, that's not a first choice, but we will see what happens." Which is scary, because Trump doesn't usually go with his first choice.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

Donald Trump did more things today. For instance, he traveled to North Dakota to talk tax reform. And by "talk tax reform," I mean rambled incoherently until they turned his mic off.

As Trump so sensitively mentioned, Texas is still dealing with the aftermath of Hurricane Harvey. And they will be for years. Meanwhile, another hurricane, Irma, is bearing down on Florida. It's the largest Atlantic hurricane ever reported. Experts say it's the size of France. Hey! This is America! We measure things in Delawares.

Irma is a frighteningly intense storm, but don't worry, President Trump is tweeting at it. "Watching hurricane closely. My team, which has done— and is doing— such a good job in Texas, is already in Florida. No rest for the weary!" That's a really oddly casual way to describe exhausted first responders racing to save lives.

Remember the 2016 campaign? If you really want to go back and relive every excruciating detail, good news — Hillary Clinton has a new book, "What Happened," which is better than the original title, "Anybody Wanna Buy a Barge Full of Unused Fireworks?"