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Joke of the Day

Day # Range: 3951 - 3975

Date Range: 07/10/17 ~ 08/01/17

Sat, 07/15/2017

Joke Day: #3951

From: 07/10/17

Top of Page   Joke: 01

Conan O'Brien

President Trump is being criticized now for allowing his daughter Ivanka to sit in for him at the G-20 summit. At a press conference today, the White House press secretary’s 8-year-old daughter said, “It’s no big deal.”

At this weekend’s G-20 summit, President Trump and Vladimir Putin had a private two-and-a-half hour meeting. It’s probably not a good sign that it ended with Putin handing Trump a single red rose.

Over the weekend, Los Angeles experienced a massive heat wave. Some people were so desperate for air conditioning, they actually went to see the new “Transformers” movie.

On Saturday, President Trump had back-to-back meetings with the leaders of China and then Japan. There was an awkward moment when Trump asked the leader of Japan, “Hey, didn’t I just meet with you?”

In Iraq, ISIS is on the verge of total defeat. You can tell ISIS is pretty much on the way out, because they’ve already been booked to appear on next season’s “Dancing With the Stars.”

Some tech experts in Silicon Valley now believe that a robot would make a better president than a human. I don’t know about you, but at this point, I would vote for President Roomba.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

President Donald Trump flew to Germany to meet with other world leaders for the G-20 summit. They had trouble booking a hotel room because they waited so long to do it, which is funny for a guy who owns a dozen hotels.

The president wasn’t alone at the G-20 summit. His wife “Malaria” and his daughter Ivanka were there. At one point Ivanka sat in for Donald Trump at a meeting with world leaders. Of course Twitter went nuts, and that’s the only thing he reads, so he got very defensive. This morning, he wrote, “If Chelsea Clinton held the seat for her mother, the Fake News would say ‘Chelsea for Prez’” — which is stupid, because if Hillary Clinton was president she wouldn’t let ANYONE sit in that seat.

If Hillary had to go to the bathroom, she would literally have picked up the chair and carried it with her into the stall.

He’s got a point, I do think people are overreacting. She just held his seat. I don’t remember people complaining when President Obama let Sasha give the order to kill bin Laden, do you?

But the bigly event this weekend: Donald Trump finally met his BFF, Russian President Vladimir Putin. They’d never met before, and they could not take their beautiful blue eyes off each other.

They were only scheduled to meet for 30 minutes but they talked for two hours. During the chat, Trump and Putin talked about teaming up to form a cybersecurity unit to stop future hacking of elections. It’s great idea; think of the time it’ll save! They already know our passwords, so why not? It’s like hiring the guy who stole your car stereo to put it back in.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

We learned yesterday that on June 9 of last year, Donald Trump Jr. met with a Russian lawyer after being promised damaging information on Hillary Clinton. [Audience reacts] Yeah, you took the “Ooh” right out of my mouth. You could knock me over with ... whatever you use to knock over someone who isn’t the least bit surprised.

The meeting took place at Trump Tower and included Jared Kushner and then-Trump campaign manager Paul Manafort — and proves that at least some in the campaign were willing to accept Russian help. So it’s not a smoking gun, but it IS a gun meeting with a Russian bullet about their mutual desire to smoke.

Pretty damning, but Don Jr. has a good explanation: “It was a short introductory meeting. I asked Jared and Paul to stop by. We primarily discussed a program about the adoption of Russian children.” Yes, I think they were talking about the adoption of little Timmy Kislyak.

Sun, 07/16/2017

Joke Day: #3952

From: 07/11/17

Top of Page   Joke: 02

Conan O'Brien

A new study just found that the Republican healthcare bill has the same approval rating as Nickelback and herpes. When asked to comment, the herpes virus said, "Hey, don’t lump me in with those guys."

White House chief of staff Reince Priebus has dismissed the latest Trump-Russia story as "a nothingburger." When questioned about his really strange choice of words, he explained, "My name is Reince Priebus."

Donald Trump Jr. is being represented by a mafia lawyer who has defended four New York crime families. So now the lawyer has updated his resume to say "defended five New York crime families."

Donald Trump Jr. released a series of emails showing he actively tried to collaborate with the Russians before the election. When he heard this, Donald Trump said, "Good luck trying to connect me to Donald Trump Jr."

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Today was one of those days I woke up, I cracked my neck, I brushed my teeth, I looked in the mirror and I thought, "Boy, am I glad I'm not Donald Trump Jr." I have that thought about three times a week, but today I said it out loud.

Back in June [last year] Donald Trump Jr. met with a Russian lawyer who he believed had damaging information about Hillary Clinton to share. They met at Trump Tower. Son-in-law-in-chief Jared Kushner and former campaign manager Paul Manafort were in attendance. The New York Times broke this story, and this morning just before they were about to release a series of damning emails, Donald Jr. released those emails himself. [Reads highlights from the email exchange] And then he forwarded this to Kushner and Manafort, the meeting happened, and now all hell has broken loose. Donald Jr. is like the guy at work who opens the obviously fake document and now everyone in the office has a virus on their computer.

Donald Jr. hired a lawyer yesterday. This lawyer, in the past, represented members of the mafia. That actually makes sense — the Trumps are like the Corleone family, if all of them were Fredo.

The president did issue a statement in support of his son. He wrote, "My son is a high-quality person and I applaud his transparency." Right. As soon as The New York Times told him they were going to release his emails, HE released his emails. He's about as transparent as a pumpkin.

It is funny, though, that after Donald spent a year hammering Hillary about emails he may finally get brought down by an email. [Sings Alanis Morissette's "Ironic"] It's like rain on your wedding day.

So this afternoon, Hillary Clinton made a short statement in front of a group of her supporters in upstate New York: "Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha."

If there’s any lesson to be learned from this, it's that no one should use email ever, for anything, at all.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

Last night, I told you about how Don Jr. met with a Russian lawyer, who claimed to have dirt on Hillary Clinton. Seems pretty bad. But it turned out much worse. Then, The New York Times reported that "Trump Jr. was told in an email that this was a Russian effort to aid Trump's campaign." Wow. Who could have predicted an email scandal would taint a presidential campaign?

Don Jr.'s emails were with British music publicist Rob Goldstone. He met the Trumps at the 2013 Miss Universe pageant in Moscow. I believe his job was to remove all the locks from the dressing room doors.

Seventeen minutes later, Don Jr. responded, "Thanks, Rob, I appreciate that. If it's what you say, I love it, especially later in the summer." Just to make it clear, he also attached this picture [pic of Trump Jr. with printed T-shirt] — "I love crime in the summertime!"

So at this point, I would like to issue a formal apology. I'd like to apologize to Eric Trump. We always thought you were the dumb one, and we were wrong.

Mon, 07/17/2017

Joke Day: #3953

From: 07/12/17

Top of Page   Joke: 03

Conan O'Brien

According to friends of Donald Trump Jr., back in college he was a black-out drunk. So, he does have a long history of meeting with White Russians.

President Trump tweeted that his son Donald Jr. is "open, transparent, and innocent." Unfortunately those are three things you don’t want to be when you go to prison.

Today President Trump tweeted that his son Donald Jr. is "open, transparent, and innocent." Which is why President Trump is now demanding a paternity test.

It was reported today that Donald Trump Jr.’s wife once dated Leonardo DiCaprio. In other words, she’s used to being with guys who go down with a sinking ship.

It’s being reported that President Trump is bothered that people think he watches too much television. Trump claims he saw it mentioned today on "The View," "The Today Show," CNN, "Live with Kelly and Ryan," and "Clifford the Big Red Dog."

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Hey, President Trump began the day with a tweet apparently. He has a Twitter account. Did you know this?

This morning he tweeted just out of the blue, "The White House is functioning perfectly, focused on healthcare, tax cuts, reform and many other things. I have very little time for watching TV." Why would he specifically mention that he doesn't have time for TV? I think I know why. Yesterday there was a report that he was holed up all day watching TV while the whole thing with his son was going on. I bet he saw that on TV.

One thing President Trump definitely did watch was his son Junior's interview with Sean Hannity last night on Fox News. Trump said his son was "open, transparent, and innocent." That's three lies in four words. That's a new record!

I guess Don Jr.'s goal was to put a positive spin on this meeting with the Russian who believed or hoped had damaging information on Hillary Clinton during the campaign, but he still doesn't seem to understand what's wrong with what he did. What's he supposed to do? I mean, when like a Nigerian prince says he's going to transfer $30 million in your account, you give him the number to your account — unless you're some kind of an idiot.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

Yesterday, Donald Trump Jr. released emails explicitly detailing an invitation by the Russian government to collude, and his enthusiastic acceptance, quote: “I love it.” Oh Don, not as much as I do. Delicious.

We have had a full news cycle to give you a sense of the fallout. Let me present you with a bouquet of early blooming headlines: "The White House is paralyzed." And I'm pretty sure Trumpcare does not cover that.

Those were The Washington Post and CNN. How about hearing from someone on THEIR side, try The New York Post: "Donald Trump Jr. is an idiot." Yes? Yes.

Keep in mind, they’re DEFENDING him. Because the alternative to “idiot” is “inmate.” And it’s hard to argue that point — Donald Trump Jr. is quickly rising to the ranks of America’s most embarrassing Donald Trumps.

And meanwhile, of course, the White House defending Don Jr. One official said, “He just wants to hunt, fish and run his family's real estate business.” Yes, why did we force him to get into politics?

Tue, 07/18/2017

Joke Day: #3954

From: 07/13/17

Top of Page   Joke: 04

Conan O'Brien

Republican House Speaker Paul Ryan is calling for stronger sanctions against Russia for its election meddling. Ryan said, “We must keep Russia out of our elections until we need them again in 2018.”

Republican House Speaker Paul Ryan is calling for stronger sanctions against Russia for its election meddling. Ryan said, “We must keep Russia out of our elections until we need them again in 2018.”

The new Republican healthcare bill is out, and the bad news is, older people still pay more than younger people. Of course the good news is, they don’t pay more for long.

Kid Rock has officially announced his candidacy for the U.S. Senate. Kid Rock says he wants to restore America back to a better time when it would have been unimaginable for Kid Rock to run for the U.S. Senate.

NBC’s long-running reality show “The Biggest Loser” has been canceled. Or as NBC put it, “We just lost 30,000 pounds.”

A new study just came out that found that breast implants can save your life if you’re shot in the chest. In a related story, the “Real Housewives of Beverly Hills” just joined SEAL Team 6.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

President Trump and the first lady arrived in Paris today at the invitation of French President Emmanuel Macron. [shows clip of greeting] Last time they had a handshake it lasted longer than, like, two of Trump’s marriages, so all eyes were on this one.

There was one uncomfortable moment later on. President Macron’s wife, Brigitte, is 25 years older than he is. He’s 39. She’s 64. Which you know has to be making Trump’s crazy orange head spin. For him that’s about as backwards as it gets. This is what he said to her: “You’re in such good shape. She’s in such good physical shape. Beautiful.” It’s like she’s a ’65 Chevy convertible he’s admiring. Only Donald Trump would treat a meeting with world leader likes it’s a swingers’ key party.

Before he left the president, who’s been notoriously stingy with on-camera interviews lately, sat down with the 700-year-old host of “The 700 Club,” Pat Robertson. This is a religious television show. And Donald Trump is a very religious guy. [clip of Robertson responding “yeah,” “that’s right” several times as Trump speaks] So they got along just great.

On the way to Paris the president had some off-the-record conversations with reporters on Air Force One, and then he decided he wanted some of what he said to be ON the record. So Trump told reporters last night that the wall — you know that wall Mexico’s going to pay for, very nice of them to do? — he wants the wall to be see-through. For real!

He said, and this is a quote, “One of the things with the wall is you need transparency.” And they asked why. He said, “I’ll give you an example. As horrible as it sounds, when they throw the sacks of drugs over the wall, if you have people on the other side who don’t see them, they hit you on the head with 60 pounds of stuff and it’s over. You’re dead.”

Our president is worried that people are going to get hit on the head with drugs and die. So he wants a wall you can see through. It’s unbelievable. He’s turning the country into an aquarium! We are all going to be living in SeaWorld with President Shamu if he gets his way.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

Today, Trump met with France’s elegant first lady Brigitte Macron and of course he treated her like any other woman, by objectifying her. [clip of Trump] “You’re in such good shape… Beautiful.” Bad Donald! No! Bad! This is not one of your European wife’s shopping trips. This is business.

Then Trump held a joint press conference with newly elected French President Emmanuel Macron. Trump invoked America’s long history with France: [clip of Trump] “France helped us secure our Independence. A lot of people forget. France is America’s first and oldest ally, a lot of people don’t know that.” Nope, just you. WE know. Gave us the Statue of Liberty too, remember that?

Of course Trump got asked about the biggest story in France — his son’s collusion with Russia. [clip of Trump] “He took a meeting with a Russian lawyer, not a government lawyer, but a Russian lawyer. It was a short meeting. It was a meeting that went very, very quickly, very fast.” Welcome to Trump’s America, where morality is measured by speed. Because it was over quickly, it wasn’t wrong! It’s like a five-second rule for your soul.

Wed, 07/19/2017

Joke Day: #3955

From: 07/17/17
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 05

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

It’s Russia Week, and I just want to get out ahead of the story here. I recently met with a lot of Russians. I can’t remember why, maybe because I was in Russia. Oh, some of them worked for the government. This week, we’ll be showing you one Russian field piece. Sorry, I meant to say two Russian field — my lawyers are telling me five Russian field pieces.

I didn’t think you’d find out. The whole week was supposed to be a secret but someone leaked it to CBS’s marketing department. I didn’t. Anyway, Russia’s coming up later in the show.

Meanwhile, back in the United States — Russia. Folks, things are not looking good for the president’s son Donald Trump, Jr. because of a meeting he took last year with Russian lawyer Natalia Veselnitskaya. And now we’ve learned that there was another Russian at that meeting, Russian lobbyist Rinat Akhmetshin. Funny detail — he’s reportedly a former Soviet counterintelligence officer. Of course, when it comes to Don Jr., there’s not much intelligence to counter.

Thu, 07/20/2017

Joke Day: #3956

From: 07/17/17
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 06

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Donald Trump Jr. has admitted to holding an undisclosed meeting before the election with a Russian lawyer and a Russian lobbyist who reportedly once worked for the KGB. And the hardest part to believe is there was a Donald Trump dumb enough to do that [shows photo of President Trump] and it wasn’t this one.

China reportedly scrubbed the images of Winnie the Pooh from social media over the weekend, after users compared the character to their president. Though it seems like it would just be easier to just get their president to put some pants on.

President Trump attended the U.S. Women’s Open Golf Tournament this weekend, so just to be safe, the golfers got changed in their cars.

Senate Republicans are trying to add a provision to their healthcare bill that would allow companies to offer low-cost reduced-coverage plans, which critics are calling junk insurance. “I’ll take some junk insurance,” said dudes who wear really tight biking shorts. You can never be too safe with the junk.

Fri, 07/21/2017

Joke Day: #3957

From: 07/17/17
(**Part 3**)

Top of Page   Joke: 07

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Over the weekend, it came out that President Trump’s approval rating is at 36 percent. But Trump defended the number, saying that it was “almost 40.” Then he said, “And if you read 36 upside down, it looks like 93, which is almost 100. So I’m doing amazing. Almost 100 in Upside Down world.”

Did you see that last week Trump’s son, Don Jr., tweeted screenshots of emails from the Russian lawyer who offered sensitive info to his dad’s campaign? When he heard that his son tweeted about an ongoing investigation, Trump was like, “The student has become the master.”

Last night was the season premiere of “Game of Thrones.” No spoilers! But HBO’s streaming site crashed during the episode. That’s how crazy this show has gotten: They are killing off websites now.

More trouble for United Airlines. The rapper Schoolboy Q says that they actually flew his dog to the wrong city. Then on the flight back, the dog had a fight over a seat with Ann Coulter.

Sat, 07/22/2017

Joke Day: #3958

From: 07/18/17
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 08

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

I have some sad news tonight. As of 10:48 p.m. eastern last night, the GOP healthcare bill was pronounced dead of terminal sucking.

I'm heart broken, too. You cover the pain. It was always a longshot because the Republicans control only all three branches of government. Can't be expected to do everything.

It is hard to overstate the level of failure here. The GOP crushed their car at 90 miles an hour into a cliff with a grin on their face.

It's like if Batman vs. Superman took a Pontiac Aztec to Blockbuster Video to rent "The Lone Ranger" and watch it on laser disc. That's how badly they failed.

Sun, 07/23/2017

Joke Day: #3959

From: 07/18/17
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 09

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Republicans announced last night that the latest GOP healthcare plan will not be moving forward, making this the second draft of the bill to fail in the Senate. Though when it comes to President Trump, the third time's the charm.

According to Politico, the news that two additional Republican senators were not supporting the GOP healthcare plan came as a surprise to President Trump, and if there's one thing President Trump hates, it's Eric.

After the failure of the GOP healthcare plan, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell outlined plans to repeal Obamacare without a bill to replace it. The same way we got rid of Obama without a good plan to replace him [picture of Donald Trump].

Following news that the Senate healthcare plan will not pass, President Trump said that it is important to get more Republicans into office. More? Pretty sure when the "Titanic" was sinking, the answer wasn't more icebergs.

Mon, 07/24/2017

Joke Day: #3960

From: 07/18/17
(**Part 3**)

Top of Page   Joke: 10

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

At a dinner last night, President Trump told Republican senators that if they didn't vote for the healthcare bill, they'd look like dopes. And he combed his neck hair over the top of his head and walked away with his tie dragging on the floor.

Trump had dinner with Republican senators at the White House. They were served steak and lima beans. And Trump wasn't allowed to leave the table until he finished all of his lima beans. The president was seen scraping them onto the floor. "Do we have a dog?"

The Republican bill to repeal and replace Obamacare has officially fallen apart. But Republicans say they're just going to let Obamacare fail while they regroup and figure out a new plan. And Democrats said, "Hey, that's the same thing we're doing with Trump."

Tue, 07/25/2017

Joke Day: #3961

From: 07/20/17
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 11

Late Night With Seth Meyers

President Trump said in a new interview that he had regrets about appointing Attorney General Jeff Sessions. Sessions said today that he will continue to serve as long as it is appropriate. So only until about 1955.

President Trump said yesterday that he went to speak with Vladimir Putin at the G20 summit dinner because he was seated next to the wife of Japanese Prime Minister Abe, who spoke no English. Which means they had at least one thing in common.

Tesla Motors CEO Elon Musk claims he has gotten verbal approval to connect New York, Philadelphia, Baltimore, and Washington with a high-speed train that runs in an airless tube. While the New York City subway just introduced brand-new rotary phones.

The creators of HBO’s “Game of Thrones” announced they are developing a new show that imagines what it would be like if the Confederacy successfully seceded from the United States. Well, give it a couple years and it might be a documentary.

Wed, 07/26/2017

Joke Day: #3962

From: 07/20/17
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 12

Jimmy Kimmel Live

As you probably heard by now, this afternoon the Nevada State Parole Board unanimously voted to grant O.J. parole. He served nine years for armed robbery. O.J. Simpson, for those of you too young to remember, is the second most embarrassing person associated with the Kardashian family. Right after Scott Disick.

He could be released by Oct. 1, on which date he’ll be picked up at the Lovelock Correctional Facility via helicopter and flown directly to the set of “Dancing with the Stars.” Or “Bachelor in Paradise.” Whichever one’s in production.

A number of cable networks including ESPN broadcast the hearing live, which wasn’t a surprise. You know, O.J. Simpson has been on TV longer than Homer Simpson. So he’s a big draw.

Thu, 07/27/2017

Joke Day: #3963

From: 07/20/17
(**Part 3**)

Top of Page   Joke: 13

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

If any of you call an Uber any time soon, you might want to make sure it’s not a white Ford Bronco. I’m just saying. That’s right, O.J. Simpson was officially granted parole today and could be out of jail by October. When asked what he plans to do first, he said, “Well, catch up on all the shows about O.J.”

A lot of people didn’t know how to feel about the news. On one hand, O.J. is a convicted felon. On the other hand, he managed to keep Trump off TV for a whole afternoon. So it’s kind of a community service.

The other big story is this interview President Trump did with The New York Times. And the paper said that he made several false claims. And Trump was like, “But you chose to print them, so once again, fake news.”

The identities of the people who attended the meeting between Donald Trump Jr. and the Russians keep coming out. It’s making some people in Washington very nervous. So they’re actually coming forward with their alibis to just prove that they weren’t there. For example, Chris Christie said, “I was busy shutting down Coney Island so I could ride The Cyclone by myself.”

Tue, 08/01/2017

Joke Day: #3964

From: 07/24/17
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 14

The Late Late Show with James Corden

Well, it’s the end of an era. White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer resigned from his post on Friday. And just for old time’s sake, he denied it.

According to reports, President Trump is so unhappy with Attorney General Jeff Sessions that he is considering replacing him with former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani. That’s like being so unhappy with your wife that you’re considering replacing her with Rudy Giuliani.

Kid Rock today further fueled speculation that he will officially run for Senate by tweeting a poll showing he would lead a hypothetical election against a Democratic senator. Even worse — his music.

A Texas coffee company is recalling one of its roasts after male customers reported a “Viagra-like effect.” Wives are calling it the worst part of waking up.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

Who watched the shark thing? It was amazing. It wasn’t real, but it was amazing. But I like a little break from reality right about now. ’Cause have you seen reality? It’s scary. There’s blood in the water, and there are a lot of sharks circling the White House.

On Friday, Sean Spicer resigned as White House press secretary. He wanted to spend more time not answering his family’s questions.

Spicer quit on Friday because Trump appointed a new communications director, former hedge fund manager and lawyer Anthony Scaramucci. Of course, when it comes to Scaramucci, there’s only one question everybody’s asking: [Queen “Bohemian Rhapsody” clip] “Scaramouche! Scaramouche! Will you do the fandango?”

Not only did Sean Spicer resign over “the Mooch’s” hiring, but a White House insider says, “This was a murdering of Reince and Bannon. They said Anthony would get this job over their dead bodies.” That’s terrible. Before this, those guys were only dead on the Inside.

Wed, 08/02/2017

Joke Day: #3965

From: 07/24/17
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 15

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Big news out of Washington on Friday – White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer officially resigned. That’s right, Spicer said that all the greats always know when to leave on top.

Over the weekend, new White House Communications Director Anthony Scaramucci deleted a bunch of old tweets that were critical of Trump’s platform. Trump was shocked — he said, “You can delete tweets??”

I saw that WebMD is being sold for $2.8 billion. The owner said he was just getting tired — but WebMD says it could either be gout, polio, or scurvy.

That’s right, WebMD is being sold. No word on who bought it, but let’s just say the Republicans finally found a replacement for Obamacare.

I read that you can now buy a new, wine-flavored jelly. Which is a great idea until your kid’s teacher calls and says, “I dunno what happened to Billy. He ate a PB&J and keeps singing ‘Don’t Stop Believing.’”

Today is National Cousins Day. And if you’re from West Virginia, happy anniversary!

The Late Late Show with James Corden

Donald Trump went on a Twitter rampage this morning criticizing everyone from Hillary Clinton to congress to his own attorney general, Jeff Sessions, who he appointed. In one tweet he suggested that the phrase “drain the swamp” should be updated to “drain the sewer,” which would make sense if a sewer wasn’t already a drain. We need to sweep up the brooms!

This morning Trump’s son-in-law, Jared Kushner, testified in front of a Senate Intelligence Committee and insisted that he did not collude with Russia. Before appearing in front of the committee, Kushner released an 11-page statement denying that he colluded with the Russians. Now look, I’m not an intelligence expert, but if you need 11 pages to explain yourself, you so colluded. It’s a totes collude.

Discovery Channel’s Shark Week made a huge deal about a race between Michael Phelps and a great white shark and they were talking it up all week. Well, people on Twitter were very disappointed that they used CGI and Phelps wasn’t actually racing alongside a great white shark. What do people expect? You can’t get a shark to have a race on command. It’s a shark.

Thu, 08/03/2017

Joke Day: #3966

From: 07/25/17
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 16

The Late Late Show with James Corden

The Girl Scouts have announced that they will offer 23 new badges focused on science, technology, engineering and math. While the Boy Scouts have announced they’re just gonna lay low for a while.

President Trump spoke yesterday at the Boy Scout Jamboree and bragged about his election victory over Hillary Clinton. And every Scout in attendance earned the merit badge for eye rolling.

According to The Washington Post, President Trump is considering Ted Cruz as a replacement for Attorney General Jeff Sessions. And if you thought Jeff Sessions was bad, you were right.

Fri, 08/04/2017

Joke Day: #3967

From: 07/25/17
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 17

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Today, Senate Republicans voted to move forward in the process to repeal and replace Obamacare, even though they don't know what they're going to be voting on. That’s like going into a hospital and telling the surgeon, "Surprise me! Just go for it!”

That’s right, ahead of the healthcare vote, Senators were saying they had no clue what they’d be voting on. Then Americans said, "Hey — just like us during the election!"

This morning, two senators were caught on a hot mic calling President Trump "crazy." And when the news came out, literally every member of the Senate was like, "Wait, was it me?"

But people are still talking about this. Last night, President Trump gave a big speech at the Boy Scouts of America National Scout Jamboree. His healthcare bill won the award for “Scariest Campfire Story.”

And we’re still getting to know Trump’s new communications director, Anthony Scaramucci. I saw that his friends like to call him “the Mooch.” When Trump heard, he was like, “Great, now what am I gonna call Don Jr. and Eric?”

The Late Late Show with James Corden

This afternoon, Republicans in the Senate narrowly won a vote on Obamacare. When I heard this news, I was bummed. And then I found out it was simply a vote to begin debating the future of Obamacare. Which raises the question — what the hell have they been doing this whole time?!

Even dogs are like, "You got to stop chasing that tail! You're looking stupid!"

Yesterday Donald Trump spoke at the National Boy Scout Jamboree. And it was horrific. During his speech, Trump told the Scouts that Health and Human Resources Secretary Tom Price would be fired if Congress doesn't repeal and replace Obamacare. To which the Boy Scouts replied, "Dude, we're ten."

On the bright side, every Scout in attendance was able to earn his badge for "Listening to an old man (bleep) about his job."

Sat, 08/05/2017

Joke Day: #3968

From: 07/26/17
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 18

The Late Late Show with James Corden

Newly appointed White House Communications Director Anthony Scaramucci said today that he’s not a backstabber, but “more of a front-stabbing person.” And it’s very telling about this administration that they think there’s a right way to stab somebody. “I stab from the front, underhand. Like a gentleman.”

At a rally in Ohio last night, President Trump said that Abraham Lincoln is the only president more presidential than him. And then, this is weird, Trump invited him to the White House.

President Trump today wrote an all caps tweet saying quote, “IN AMERICA WE DON'T WORSHIP GOVERNMENT - WE WORSHIP GOD.” Though I think most of us will happily worship whichever one gets you out of office first.

Mexican food chain Chipotle will reportedly debut its first drive-through window at an Ohio location this fall. And if you’ve ever eaten at Chipotle, you know the food is also drive-through.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

I began my day as I often do, by checking Donald Trump's Twitter feed to see how far the crazy has spread. And today, I really think he's off his meds, because today he went from crazy to cruel tweeting. What? What won't you allow? Socks with sandals? Dancing? Please tell me it's not alcohol. I needs my drank!

Ten minutes later he told us what he won't allow: "Transgender individuals to serve in any capacity in the U.S. Military."

This is what really stings — they are being rejected by a rich guy who during Vietnam sidestepped the draft with four deferments and a medical disqualification for bone spurs in his foot.

Yesterday we were talking about how the Senate Republicans celebrated narrowly voting to open debate on their Obamacare repeal bill. Well, that victory is on life support already, because last night, their plan to replace Obamacare lost by 43-57.

But don't worry. They have a backup-backup-backup plan, the so-called "Skinny repeal," which I think is made with soy milk.

Sun, 08/06/2017

Joke Day: #3969

From: 07/26/17
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 19

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Some big political news. Today President Trump went on Twitter and announced that he is banning transgender people from serving in the military. Trump said he understands this is a very sensitive issue, so he made sure to choose his emoji's very carefully.

Actually, Trump says that he's banning transgender people from serving because of high medical costs. If he cares so much about high medical costs, maybe he should pass a healthcare bill.

Trump was talking to reporters yesterday, after the big healthcare vote, and people noticed that he didn't seem to know how many senators there are. When told it is two for each state, Trump said, "I'm going to need another clue."

Another big story is Trump's feud with Attorney General Jeff Sessions. When he was asked about what will happen to Sessions, Trump said, "Time will tell." When asked if he was just stealing lines off his magic eight ball, Trump said, "Ask again later."

The Late Late Show with James Corden

Today Donald Trump announced on Twitter that he wants to ban transgender soldiers from serving in the U.S. military. This is unusual. Usually when Trump wants to keep someone out of military service, he just fakes a doctor's note saying he has a foot injury. It worked fine for him during Vietnam.

Now Trump says that this move is to save money. But according to one study if you look at all the money that is spent on healthcare for transgender soldiers, the military spends five times as much on prescriptions for Viagra.

Now this reverses a policy that Obama put in place last year. At this point, it just seems like Trump wants to do the opposite of everything Obama did. He is like, "Oh, Obama pardoned a turkey on Thanksgiving? Well I'm going to slaughter a turkey with a chainsaw on the front lawn."

Energy Secretary Rick Perry recently spent 20 minutes on the phone talking to the prime minister of the Ukraine, only to find out he was actually being pranked by a Russian comedian. So it looks like Russia is now two for two pranking America.

Mon, 08/07/2017

Joke Day: #3970

From: 07/27/17
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 20

The Late Late Show with James Corden

First lady Melania Trump announced today that her first solo international trip will be to Toronto, Canada. The purpose of her trip hasn't been announced. But I'm guessing sanctuary?

The publisher of Hillary Clinton’s upcoming memoir announced today that the title of her book will be the statement “What Happened.” Well, that’s the censored version.

In a recent interview, Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau revealed that the he watched clips from the popular TV show “The West Wing” to prepare for debates. While Donald Trump prepared for debates by watching “Friday the 13th.”

Taco Bell announced it will begin selling a potato-rito, which is beef, cheese, potatoes, and chipotle spice wrapped in a tortilla for $1. Or, for the same nutritional value, just eat the dollar.

Tue, 08/08/2017

Joke Day: #3971

From: 07/27/17
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 21

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

“Dancing With the Stars” is reportedly trying to get former White House press secretary Sean Spicer to be a contestant, marking the first “Dancing With the Stars” contestant who’s hit rock bottom before going on the show.

Spicer’s not the only one doing a reality show. On the next episode of “Undercover Boss,”, Vladimir Putin is going to go work at the White House. “Hello. I'm a tour guide here. How are things at home?”

Trump's new communications director, Anthony Scaramucci, made news for comparing Trump’s attempt to repeal Obamacare to Lincoln abolishing slavery. In a related story, Anthony Scaramucci is now expected to take Sean Spicer’s spot on “Dancing With the Stars.”

The owner of a clown motel in Nevada is looking to sell it. The clown motel is like any other motel, except it only has one parking spot.

The Late Late Show with James Corden

A lot of news coming out of the White House, but strangely enough, Donald Trump isn't the one making the news this time. I guess his meds are finally kicking in?

New White House communications director Anthony Scaramucci is on a real tear to stop leaks from the White House. We know this because someone in the White House leaked it.

Scaramucci was livid last night after some of his financial information was leaked, so he went on Twitter and seemingly blamed chief of staff Reince Priebus for the leak, but then he deleted the tweet later, which is a great start for a communications director.

Now I don't know, Reince Priebus might be the leak, Scaramucci might be lying. Only one thing is certain, I can't spell either of their names.

Wed, 08/09/2017

Joke Day: #3972

From: 07/31/17
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 22

Jimmy Kimmel Live

President Trump is coming off his worst week since ... his last worst week, which I think was the week before last week.

Sean Spicer’s out, Reince Priebus is out, Trumpcare is dead, and Kim Jong Un has a missile that can reach New York. And weirdly, I don’t feel tired from all the winning yet.

The president has been very busy repealing and replacing his staff, most notably Anthony Scaramucci, the Mooch, who 10 days ago was named the White House communications director. Today he’s out of a job.

Meanwhile, Donald Trump tweeted about Reince Priebus, who he fired. He wrote, “We accomplished a lot together, and I am proud of him.” That’s two lies in one sentence.

It will be easier for Reince Priebus to go into a souvenir shop and find a novelty license plate with his name on it than it will be to find a job after this.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

Anthony Scaramucci, gone after just a week and change on the job! The Mooch is toast! The front-stabber has been back-stabbed.

He said he was going to fire everybody, and I’ve got to admit, he delivered. That’s thorough!

The Mooch lasted as communications director for only 10 days. Yes, 10 days! That’s not even one whole pay period. His going-away party can serve what’s left of his welcome cake.

On Friday, Trump hired new White House chief of staff, Gen. John Kelly. No surprise Trump picked a general. According to one source, “The kinds of people that Trump particularly likes are people with bucks, money, and braids, the military.” Yes, he likes people with bucks and braids. So if Kelly doesn’t work out, congratulations to our next chief of staff, Sparkle the show pony.

Kelly is the polar opposite of Reince Priebus, the former chief of staff. Kelly is military, Priebus is a Washington insider. Kelly’s from Boston, Priebus is from Wisconsin. John Kelly has two first names, and Reince Priebus has no recognizable names at all.

Thu, 08/10/2017

Joke Day: #3973

From: 07/31/17
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 23

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Today, President Trump officially removed Anthony Scaramucci as his communications director. And this was a little awkward — when Scaramucci called an Uber to pick him up at the White House, Sean Spicer was driving.

Scaramucci lost his job after just 10 days, following an obscene interview with the New Yorker. You know it’s bad when you get fired after 10 days and everyone’s still like, “What took so long?”

He’s out after 10 days. So Scaramucci is gone, but his cologne will linger forever.

And get this — Scaramucci’s official start date was supposed to be August 15. Or as Trump put it, “See? We’re setting so many records. He’s the first person to ever get fired BEFORE they even start working.”

It came out that Scaramucci actually missed the birth of his son last week because he was with Trump, so he texted his wife “Congratulations.” Trump was like, “You don’t text your wife after she has your baby — you tweet her!”

The Late Late Show with James Corden

A school district in Florida is eliminating homework for all school students this year. Yeah, no homework. It’s all part of Florida’s “make Florida Flori-duh again” campaign.

Officials say it’s fine because a lot of students are already reading at a fifth grade level. Unfortunately a lot of those students are in 10th grade.

The state of Colorado has determined that the tax revenue from the sale of legalized marijuana has now exceeded half a billion dollars. Colorado has so much extra money for marijuana it can now afford a cocaine habit.

Unfortunately, they’ve already spent all of that money on Funyuns and Hot Pockets.

You know those little robot vacuums called Roombas? The company that makes them says that Roombas have the capability to map out your home while they clean it, and it’s planning to sell that information to Amazon and Google. We all thought that the Roomba was just vacuuming; turns out it was casing the joint.

The other night I could have sworn I heard Roomba and Alexa talking about how much they could get for my flat screen.

Fri, 08/11/2017

Joke Day: #3974

From: 08/01/17
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 24

Late Night With Seth Meyers

After President Trump removed White House Communications Director Anthony Scaramucci yesterday, he tweeted, “A great day at the White House.” Coincidentally, a great day at the White House is the average length of employment there.

White House officials yesterday said they hope to have a bill on tax reform sent to President Trump before December. December? Do you know how much time could happen between now and December? That’s 12 Scaramuccis from now.

According to NBC, Ivanka and first lady Melania Trump were disgusted by Scaramucci’s crude comments to The New Yorker. They say they absolutely will not tolerate that kind of language from someone whose will they are not in.

A couple recently got married on a roller coaster at a Massachusetts amusement park while their wedding guests were on the ride with them. And this is cool — the reception was open barf.

A new article has been published ranking New York City’s best public restrooms. So congratulations yet again to ... the subway!

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

For Donald Trump it’s been a rough couple of ... his entire presidency. The chaos coming out of the White House is just coming at you so fast. It’s hard to keep track of it.

Two weeks ago, I had never heard of Anthony Scaramucci. Now, I’ve got to make an appointment to have the tattoo lasered off.

Things are completely different since the president appointed a new chief of staff, Gen. John Kelly. Rumor is Kelly got the job after he stood up to Trump, when raised voices could be heard through the thick door to the Oval Office. It was seen as an early indication that Kelly was not afraid to stand up to his commander in chief. No surprise. Trump respects people who don’t suck up to him, starting ...yesterday.

Sat, 08/12/2017

Joke Day: #3975

From: 08/01/17
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

People are still talking about Anthony Scaramucci — he lasted just six days, making him the shortest-serving White House communications director ever. But don’t feel bad — publishers have offered him a lot of money to write a tell-all pamphlet about the experience.

Trump is apparently looking for a less prominent position for Scaramucci that wouldn’t require him to be seen very often. Then Scaramucci said, “You want me to be first lady?”

It’s been a rough week for Scaramucci. In fact, I saw that in the latest alumni directory for Harvard Law School, he was mistakenly listed as dead. It’s nothing personal, that’s just what happens at Harvard if you don’t donate any money.

Yesterday was White House Chief of Staff John Kelly’s first day on the job. But it got awkward when he showed up and said, “Why are you writing my name on the door in dry erase marker?”

Utility workers here in New York City retrieved a woman’s wedding ring that she dropped down a sewer. While the rat handing it back was like, “Always a bridesmaid!...”

The Late Late Show with James Corden

Do you guys know that song “Despacito?” Well, the government of Malaysia has banned the song from radio and TV in that country for having obscene lyrics. They could be right. I’ve heard this song 2,000 times and I still have no idea what it’s about.

In Malaysia, the government bans obscene content. Here, the president tweets it.

On the bright side, it’s now possible to go an entire day without hearing “Despacito.” You just have to move to Malaysia.

A five-year-old girl who ran a lemonade stand in London was fined $195 for not having the proper trading permit. See, this is why I make my kids open all their lemonade stands offshore on the Cayman Islands.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

We have the Olympics in 2028. Only 11 more years, and then volleyball! I feel like between climate change and Kim Jong Un it’s optimistic to think we’ll still have a Los Angeles in 2028.

The slogan for the Olympics is “Follow the Sun,” which is great advice if you want people walking directly into the ocean.

I’m excited about the Olympics being here, but I hope they really go for it. I’m going to start a movement to try to get them to let Snoop Dogg light the torch with a big red, white, and blue blunt. Have an L.A. Olympics!