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Joke of the Day

Day # Range: 3926 - 3950

Date Range: 06/07/17 ~ 06/29/17

Tue, 06/13/2017

Joke Day: #3926

From: 06/07/17
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 01

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Meanwhile, in Washington, all eyes were off the court and on Congress for the main event tomorrow. Former FBI Director James Comey will appear before the Senate Intelligence Committee to spill the beans on President Trump, which when you think about it on a human level, is pretty great for James Comey. Can you imagine getting fired and then the next thing you know, you get to trash talk your boss in front of the whole world? It’s like a dream come true.

We got a surprise preview today of what Comey plans to share. The Senate released his prepared statement. President Trump was like, “You can prepare statements?”

This is what Comey wrote about his dinner with Trump back in January. He wrote, “He had called me at lunchtime that day, invited me to dinner that night, saying he was going to invite my whole family but decided to have just me this time, with the whole family coming next time. It was unclear from the conversation who else would be at the dinner. Although, I assumed there would be others. It turned out to be just the two of us.” It’s starting to read like chapter one of “Fifty Shades of Orange.” Right? Very sexual.

Comey wrote that at their dinner the president said, “I need loyalty, I expect loyalty.” Which is not an appropriate thing for a president to ask the head of the FBI. Unless he’s planning to do the right thing and marry him, that is.

And Trump told Comey “he had nothing to do with Russia, had not been involved with hookers in Russia, and always assumed he was being recorded when in Russia.” I love that he denied being involved with hookers in Russia. Let me tell you, Bill Clinton must be laughing his [butt] off right now.

So because these were uncomfortable conversations, Comey told Attorney General Jeff Sessions he did not want any future direct communication with President Trump. Melania said the same thing, by the way. It didn’t work out for either of them.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

A bar in Washington, D.C., will offer customers a free round of drinks every time President Trump tweets about former FBI Director James Comey during his testimony tomorrow. That story again: A bar in Washington, D.C., is having a going out of business sale.

President Trump today announced Christopher Wray, the attorney for New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie during the Bridge-gate scandal, as the nomination for FBI director. Donald, you’re even giving Chris Christie’s lawyer a job? How cruel are you? I bet you called him personally. “Chris, are you sitting down? I finally decided to hire ... your friend, the lawyer. That’s it, though. No one else. All right. Have a terrible day.”

Forbes has published a new exposé on Eric Trump’s charity golf tournaments, with a former employee saying that President Trump refused to let Eric use Trump properties free of charge, saying, “I don’t care if it’s my son or not. Everybody gets billed.” And he means that — he does not care if Eric is his son.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

People are calling Comey’s testimony Washington’s Super Bowl, and I hear Animal Planet is even airing the “Puppy Comey Testimony.”

Now, all in all, Comey says he spoke with Trump nine times in four months. In contrast, he spoke with President Obama only twice during his entire tenure, “once in 2015 to discuss law enforcement policy issues, and a second time, briefly, for him to say good-bye in late 2016.” Oh, and a third time a couple weeks ago when he asked if I wanted to just say “screw it” and go hang out with him and Oprah on Richard Branson’s yacht.

Comey also described a dinner he had with Trump just after the inauguration. When he was invited, Comey assumed other people would be attending, of course, but when he showed up, it turned out to be “just the two of them, seated at a small oval table.” Oh, come on. That’s the oldest trick in the book! You invite your FBI director over for a movie saying it’s going to be a “group thing,” then when he shows up, it’s just the two of you. [wiggles eyebrows suggestively] “Can’t make Netflix work, so, you know ...” [in seductive tone] you obstruct justice.

Wed, 06/14/2017

Joke Day: #3927

From: 06/07/17
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 02

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

President Trump tweeted that he’s nominating Christopher Wray to be the new director of the FBI, and called him “a man of impeccable credentials.” Wray was like, “Thanks! Can I put that on my resume when you fire me?”

Former FBI Director James Comey released the opening statement for his testimony tomorrow, and he says Trump once invited him to dinner, and it turned out to just be the two of them. Even worse, he made them sit on the same side of the booth.

A bar in D.C. is opening at 9:30 a.m. tomorrow for Comey’s hearing and will give everyone a free round of drinks each time Trump tweets about it. Which means everyone will be blacked out around 9:31 a.m.

Today is Vice President Mike Pence’s 58th birthday. But the White House is going to leave the decorations up all week so they can also celebrate Pence’s inauguration.

Obama visited George and Amal Clooney at their home in the U.K. right before Amal gave birth to their twins. Man, I knew Obamacare was good — but didn’t know he actually showed up to deliver your babies!

Conan O'Brien

It’s been reported that Attorney General Jeff Sessions has offered to resign. President Trump told him, “That won’t be necessary, I’m taking you down with me.”

Yesterday, Press Secretary Sean Spicer was asked if the president has confidence in his attorney general and he was unable to answer the question. When Spicer was asked if he had any self-respect left, Spicer said, “I can’t answer that question either.”

Former FBI Director James Comey did not want to be left alone in a room with Donald Trump. Which is why James Comey was just named an honorary Miss Universe contestant.

Canadian officials announced they are planning to build up their military. Then they said, “That is, you know, if it’s OK with everybody else.”

In Utah, a woman pulled out two of her son’s teeth in a Walmart bathroom. Or as that procedure will soon be known, “the Trumpcare dental plan.”

In Massachusetts, a medical marijuana dispensary has begun selling marijuana-infused pizza. Or as that’s known, “one-stop shopping.”

The Late Late Show with James Corden

Today is Election Day in the U.K. Elections here in Great Britain are quite different from what people are used to in the United States. For instance, our elections here are a lot more polite. Granted, a lot of that is due to the fact that Donald Trump is not involved.

For our American viewers who may not know, Theresa May is the prime minister here in Britain, and she’s the one who called for what’s known as a “snap election.” That means it’s just seven weeks of campaigning and it’s over. We Brits hold our elections the way we make love — quickly and without a lot of unnecessary emotion. And followed by an apology.

Just seven weeks to see who gets the most votes, but in America, they are much more thorough. They take two years to see who gets the most votes. Then they elect the person who gets the second most votes. I’m kidding! They elect whoever Vladimir Putin wants.

I’m going to tell you a little bit about our prime minister, Theresa May. Her father was a vicar, so she’s sort of a good girl, a preacher’s daughter, and she was giving an interview the other day where she was asked what was the naughtiest thing she had ever done as a child. And she said — brace yourselves, it’s pretty racy — she used to upset local farmers by running through their wheat fields. That’s her darkest secret from her wild past!

Imagine meeting up with old friends: “Oh, we were crazy back then, weren’t we? Out of control! We really bent some wheat.”

But come on, guys, we should really focus on the issues. Because what Theresa May has done in her past is the yeast of our concerns.

Fri, 06/16/2017

Joke Day: #3928

From: 06/08/17
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 03

Late Night With Seth Meyers

During his testimony today, James Comey said that the Trump administration chose to defame him and the FBI with “lies, plain and simple.” A claim that was refuted by both Plain and Simple. [shows photo of Eric and Donald Jr]

President Trump did not post on Twitter during James Comey’s Senate testimony today. Well, he thought he did, but his aide switched his phone with a Speak & Spell.

Producers have announced that they are suspending production of “The Real Housewives of Toronto.” Apparently, the show didn’t work because every argument ended with, “You know what? You’re right. I’m sorry.”

An 88-year-old woman has set a new record for oldest female to stand on the wing of a flying plane. It sounds dangerous, but it’s actually the safest place to be when you fly United.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

Happy St. Comey’s Day, everybody! Of course, everybody celebrates Comey Day if their own way. We’re kind of traditionalists around here. We celebrated by watching TV and writing jokes as fast as we can.

Everybody was looking forward to the former FBI director testifying about all the juicy details of his meetings with Donald Trump. Because, remember, Comey wrote everything down. And all his memos are going to be collected in his new children’s book: “James and the Guilty Orange.”

Comey understood Trump had the right to fire him, but he didn’t buy the official explanation — that it was how he treated candidate Hillary Clinton. “That didn’t make sense to me for a whole bunch of reasons, including the time and all the water that had gone under the bridge since those hard decisions had to be made.” I remember that bridge. I think it’s the one they threw Hillary off to see if she was a witch.

Sat, 06/17/2017

Joke Day: #3929

From: 06/08/17
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 04

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

A big heat wave is expected to hit New York City this weekend. They say that we’ll be sweating like Trump while he watched the James Comey hearing.

Today, former FBI Director James Comey testified in Congress, but he would not say in the public hearing if he thinks Trump colluded with Russia. Then he said, “But I CAN do this.” [nods frantically]

Despite Comey’s testimony, a White House spokesperson said today is a regular Thursday at the White House. America was like, “Yeah, that’s what worries us. “

Comey said that he kept memos of his meetings with Trump because he felt that the president may lie about them. Even Trump was like, “Yeah, that sounds like me. Good thinking.”

Conan O'Brien

Former FBI Director Comey testified that he met privately with President Trump on February 14th. This is good news for everyone who thought THEY had the worst Valentine’s Day ever.

James Comey testified that every time he thought President Trump was lying, he wrote it down. Which explains why Comey was just rushed to the hospital for carpal tunnel syndrome.

Today during the televised hearings, Senator Dianne Feinstein told Comey, “You’re big, you’re strong.” Then she said, “I’ll continue the rest of my statement in the closed session.”

House Speaker Paul Ryan defended Donald Trump’s behavior, saying, “The president’s new at this.” Ryan said, “And by ‘this’ I mean ‘following the law.’”

The Late Late Show with James Corden

Everybody here [in the U.K.] is talking about the election. If you’re watching this in Britain, you already know who the prime minister is. If you are watching this in America, you already don’t care who the prime minister is.

We taped this show a day before, so as it stands right now, we don’t know what happened in this election. Meanwhile, in America, their election was last year and they still don’t know what happened in their election

Regardless of that, we can assume Donald Trump has already congratulated the winner in his traditional fashion by insulting them on Twitter.

Sun, 06/18/2017

Joke Day: #3930

From: 06/12/17
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 05

The Late Late Show with James Corden

It looks like President Donald Trump may be canceling a planned visit to the U.K. due to his lack of support there. He says he doesn’t want to go somewhere where he is extremely unpopular. You know — like 48 out of the 50 states in America.

First lady Melania Trump has officially moved into the White House after five months living apart from her husband. Rumors say Melania was unhappy about moving into the White House but felt more reassured when Trump told her, “Don’t worry, I’m usually at Mar-a-Lago. You will never see me. I’m literally never there.”

Melania has to learn all of the important stuff about living in the White House. You know, where the bathrooms are, how to turn on the air conditioning, how to lie under oath ... the basics.

President Trump was out at the golf course again this weekend, but this time he showed up unannounced at a wedding at the Trump International Golf Club in New Jersey. He went in to the wedding and even took photos with the couple. With Trump there, the bride got everything she needed — something old, something new, something borrowed, and something orange.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

First lady Melania Trump and son Barron officially moved into the White House yesterday. Unfortunately, during the move, someone left the gate open and Sean Spicer ran away.

According to a new poll, Americans find former FBI Director James Comey to be more trustworthy than President Trump. Also, more Americans prefer Pepsi to the bottle marked “rat poison.”

Labor Secretary Alexander Acosta spoke to the press this afternoon and pushed for wider use of apprenticeship training for people who “learn better by doing.” Of course learning by doing [shows photo of Trump] doesn’t always work for everyone.

President Trump yesterday called former FBI Director James Comey cowardly. Though, if Comey is the cowardly one, I’m pretty sure Trump is the one without a brain.

A birth control pill has been recalled due to a packaging error that puts placebo pills at the beginning of the pack rather than at the end. So pick up a pack today at Unplanned Parenthood.

Mon, 06/19/2017

Joke Day: #3931

From: 06/12/17
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 06

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Today, a Federal Appeals Court ruled against President Trump’s revised travel ban —- and get this, they even quoted his tweets in their decision. Or as Trump put it, “That counts as a retweet!” (I win!)

After the ruling, White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer said he’s confident that the travel ban is “fully lawful.” Then he was like, “Sorry, I read that wrong — it’s ‘fully awful.’ My mistake.”

Over the weekend, Melania Trump finally moved into the White House. But this is a bad sign — she only brought a week’s worth of clothes.

Right now, New York is in the middle of a heat wave. Temperatures are in the mid-90s. You can tell it’s hot — today, Times Square Elmo passed out BEFORE he could get drunk.

Yesterday, Rafael Nadal won the French Open and became the first man to win 10 titles at any major tournament. When asked what his secret is, he said, “Not having to play Serena Williams.”

Conan O'Brien

First lady Melania Trump has officially, as of today, moved into the White House. In a related story, Donald Trump just moved from the Lincoln Bedroom to the Lincoln Couch.

It’s been reported that President Trump is so worried about protests that he is postponing his upcoming trip to England. Trump is also worried he doesn’t have time to learn the language.

President Trump held a Cabinet meeting today in which each Cabinet member took turns praising the president. After hearing this, Kim Jong Un said, “Man, even I’m not that insecure.”

A new study reveals more than 2 billion people worldwide are overweight or obese. And at any given time, most of them are at Disneyland the same day as you.

Over the weekend in New Jersey, President Trump crashed a wedding. Apparently, the bride said she wanted something old, something new, something borrowed, and something that will probably be out of office by August.

Someone invented a pair of yoga pants that vibrate when your yoga pose is incorrect. Which explains the new trend, “incorrect yoga poses.”

Tue, 06/20/2017

Joke Day: #3932

From: 06/13/17
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 07

The Late Late Show with James Corden

Dennis Rodman is back in North Korea. This is the former NBA player and reality TV star’s fourth visit with leader Kim Jong Un, who’s been clashing with Donald Trump lately over nuclear testing. You know you’re living in strange times when the news involves Dennis Rodman, the leader of North Korea, the president of the United States — and Dennis Rodman is the one who’s the least crazy.

We have to congratulate the Golden State Warriors for winning the NBA Championship last night. It was absolutely incredible. Trump was confused because he thought the NBA Championship was like the presidential election and the second-place finisher is declared the winner. “LeBron, it’s the president. Congratulations.”

There are rumors going around already that the Warriors have voted unanimously to skip going to the White House to meet President Trump. Trump was very understanding. He was like, “Look, I get it. I skip going to the White House whenever I can, too.”

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich has published a new book titled “Understanding Trump.” [Shows page with big text “He cray.”] And I have to say it’s a pretty quick read.

A new poll found that only 37 percent of voters think President Trump is honest. Or as Trump put it — 100 percent.

Uber CEO Travis Kalanick announced today that he is taking a leave of absence from the company. But he’ll be back in three minutes — no wait, hold on, now it’s saying five minutes. Six? Oh, no! Canceled?!

A new survey shows that men are four times more likely than women to take their cellphone out during a wedding or a funeral. While women are more likely to take their cellphone out during an argument. “I’ll tell you exactly what you said!”

Two passengers on a flight to Ibiza over the weekend reportedly had sex while in their seats. And nobody was more upset than the guy in the middle.

Starbucks announced yesterday that it will be teaming up with Lady Gaga to release a line of summer drinks — to wear.

Wed, 06/21/2017

Joke Day: #3933

From: 06/13/17
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 08

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Attorney General Jeff Sessions testified in Congress today as part of the Russia investigation, and it wasn’t a good sign when they asked him if he swore to tell the truth and nothing but the truth, and he said [Russian accent], “Da.”

Jeff Sessions said he “doesn’t recall” having any meetings with Russians at the Mayflower. For those of you who don’t know, “doesn’t recall” is the Washington term meaning, “I definitely recall and I’m in trouble.”

A former spokesperson for President Bush tweeted that Trump should stop talking, because he’s heading towards a perjury trap. When Trump heard that and was like, “Perjury trap? That’s my favorite Lindsay Lohan movie!”

Tesla’s new Model X car just got the first ever perfect safety rating for an SUV. Now on one hand, that’s a great accomplishment; on the other, have no SUVs been safe until now?

New York lawmakers are going to reintroduce a proposal to legalize marijuana. When asked why they’re reintroducing it, they said, “Because we forgot we did it the first time.”

Conan O'Brien

It’s rumored that President Trump’s upcoming trip to the U.K. is on hold because he’s worried about angry protests. I have to admit, of all the wars I thought Trump might restart, I wasn’t counting on “Revolutionary.”

It’s being reported that in the 2016 elections, Russia interfered with voting systems in at least 39 states. Which finally explains why the new governor of Wyoming is Anna Kournikova.

A new report just came out and it found that the employees at a Trump clothing factory in Indonesia are subject to low wages and verbal abuse. And even they wouldn’t change places with Sean Spicer.

After winning the NBA Championship the Golden State Warriors unanimously decided to skip the traditional visit to the White House. After hearing this, Melania Trump said, “Wait, you can do that?”

Puerto Rico has decided they want to become a U.S. state. When they heard about it, California said, “That’s great, they can take our place.”

Khloe Kardashian and Kylie Jenner are being accused of stealing the ideas of other clothing designers. They’re also being accused of stealing YEARS OF OUR LIVES.

Thu, 06/22/2017

Joke Day: #3934

From: 06/14/17
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 09

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Donald Trump turned 71 today. At the White House, they had a little party for the president. They played pin the blame on the press secretary.

Melania jumped out of a cake and made a run for it.

Vladimir Putin didn’t show up but he, you know, gave Trump his present back in November.

71 years ago, Donald Trump was just a little baby, with little hands and feet, going wah-wah-wah all day long. And nothing has really changed since then.

There’s a major report from the Washington Post just a couple of hours ago. It says that the special counsel led by Robert Mueller is now officially looking into whether President Trump attempted to obstruct justice in his dealings with James Comey. As far as presidential birthday presents go, not exactly Marilyn Monroe singing to JFK. But I like to imagine Trump found out about this just as Sean Spicer was handing him his birthday present.

The president had an interesting lunch yesterday with Republican senators where he had some surprisingly strong criticism of the Republican healthcare bill. He called the bill “mean, cold-hearted, and a son of a bitch.” He does know the bill is not Bill Cosby or Bill O’Reilly, right?

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Happy Birthday to President Trump, who turned 71 today. So, the president is a man in his 70s who wants a golf score in the 60s, his country in the '50s and a wife in her 20s.

Fox News has announced it is dropping its slogan “Fair and Balanced.” For the same reason United dropped “Fly the Friendly Skies.”

According to reports, since President Trump won the Republican nomination, the majority of Trump real estate sales have been to “secretive buyers” who use corporate entities to avoid revealing their names. But I’m pretty sure we all know who’s behind Plad Vutin LLC.

Following Monday’s first official cabinet meeting, the secretary of Veterans Affairs said that President Trump does not “script” the cabinet members, adding, quote, “We’re given the ability to say what’s on our mind.” Which explains why Ben Carson said, “Cucumber luggage hula hoop.”

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

It’s Donald Trump’s birthday. Seventy-one candles on that cake. Although, Trump later said it was “over a million candles. Most candles ever.”

Two hundred Democrats got together to give the president something he might like. But instead, they’re suing Trump over foreign payments to his businesses. At least they got together to give him this card: “Congratulations, birthday boy, you’ve been served.”

Fri, 06/23/2017

Joke Day: #3935

From: 06/14/17
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 10

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

I saw that today is President Trump’s 71st birthday. That’s right. When his staff saw him coming, they turned out the lights and hid — until he went away. “Whew, so close. We almost had to say, "Happy Birthday!”

He got a lot of birthday cards from different people. And we actually got our hands on a few of them. Let’s take a look at these. For example, here’s one from Vladimir Putin [shows card]. His card says, “It sounds like you had a great party.” Inside it says, “Based on our recordings from the Oval Office.”

Next one is from Sean Spicer. It says, “Today, I’m toasting to you.” And inside it says, “Because you’re the reason I drink every day.”

And finally, here’s one from George W. Bush. It says, “Here’s to you.” And inside it says, “For making me look like president of the century.”

During his testimony yesterday, Attorney General Jeff Sessions said that he hasn’t been asked to do anything illegal by Trump since taking office. Then he said, “And frankly, I’m starting to feel a little left out.”

Conan O'Brien

Fox News is dropping its famous tagline, “Fair and Balanced.” Fox News is swapping it for the more accurate tagline, “Paranoia and Ads for Cialis.”

Today, President Trump said the GOP healthcare bill that passed through the House was “mean” and “difficult to defend.” Then Trump said, “In other words, I love it.”

Today is President Trump’s birthday. Melania surprised him by still living in the White House.

Today is President Trump’s 71st birthday. Trump received a card from Vladimir Putin that said, “I hope you’re enjoying the birthday present I gave you in November.”

There’s a new version of the Bible that has updated language that’s coming out. For example, it refers to Jesus’ disciples as “wingmen.”

Astronomers are now speculating that our sun may have had a long lost twin. So, it’s official: Our entire solar system is a telenovela.

An 18-year-old field-goal kicker could be the first woman to play in the NFL. Scouts say she has the talent and desire. All she needs now is the criminal record.

The Late Late Show with James Corden

It is President Donald Trump’s birthday today, he’s 71 years old today. I’m just glad, I’m glad Donald Trump can finally have a day where he’s the center of attention.

It must be hard to shop for Trump. What do you get the man who has everything? I know, I know something he doesn’t have, the popular vote.

Now of course, turning 71 is a big occasion. To celebrate, I think Trump should take the day off, I do — and the week, and the month, and the next four years.

In other Trump news, in a meeting with Republican senators, the president reportedly told members of Congress that he feels the Republican healthcare bill is not generous enough and is “mean.” Who talks like that, who says “mean”? He talks like he’s gossiping at a junior high dance. After that he called the guys who drafted the bill a bunch of basic b---hes.

Trump says the bill needs to be less mean and more generous. In other words, it needs to be Obamacare.

In a new branding initiative announced today, the Fox News channel has said that it’s getting rid of its longtime slogan “Fair and Balanced.” Yeah, they’re getting rid of that. Here is an idea. If Fox News really wants to be accurate, shouldn’t they just really drop the part that says news?

But then again, it’s just nice to see Fox get rid of something for reasons other than sexual harassment.

A French fashion label is now offering a pair of $570 jeans that come without a butt. There’s nothing in the butt. I have got to tell you, these jeans are a great way of telling your friends and coworkers that your father never paid enough attention to you.

They should call these Republican healthcare jeans because there is barely any coverage.

Sat, 06/24/2017

Joke Day: #3936

From: 06/15/17
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 11

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Remember when Donald Trump said he would give up tweeting when he became president? That was funny. That was a good one.

The president woke up bright and early this morning, the day after what had to be his worst birthday ever. He woke up, walked down the hall to Melania’s bedroom, the door was locked. So he went downstairs, punched Sean Spicer in the stomach, wrestled the phone out of his little pink hands and tweeted about this special investigation into him.

Yesterday we learned that the president is being investigated by a special counsel led by Robert Mueller for possible obstruction of justice. So this morning at 7:57 a.m., Trump tweeted, “You are witnessing the single greatest witch hunt in American political history led by some very bad and conflicted people. #MAGA.” He’s even making witch hunts great again!

I don’t think witches play golf every weekend. The way we’ll know Trump is a witch is when the White House falls on top of him and we see his feet curl up.

Dennis Rodman is in the middle of what is planned to be a four-day trip in North Korea and he brought gifts on this trip for his BFF Kim Jong Un. He brought a variety of soaps wrapped in cellophane. He brought a mermaid jigsaw puzzle. Two nondescript number 91 jerseys. This is like a sad yard sale or terrible flea market.

And two books, “Where’s Waldo?” and “The Art of the Deal.” I love that he brought Kim Jong Un “The Art of the Deal” — as if he needs help negotiating. Negotiating with Kim Jong Un goes like this: You do everything I say and I won’t feed you to a boa constrictor.

“Where’s Waldo?” they think is for Kim Jong Un’s daughter, who I think is 5 years old. They love American books in North Korea. They adapt them to suit the North Korean lifestyle. There’s “Good Night Un,” “Oh the Places You’ll Never Go,” “The Very Hungry Caterpillar and Millions of Other People.”

It really is amazing Dennis Rodman and Kim Jong Un are friends. Especially considering Kim Jong Un doesn’t speak English and Dennis Rodman doesn’t speak English.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

President Trump will speak in Miami tomorrow. He’ll be comfortable, because he still has strong support in Florida. Plus, he’s the state fruit.

The Senate today passed a bill that imposes new sanctions on Russia and allows Congress to stop President Trump from repealing them. Wow, even Congress doesn’t trust him. He’s like a 15-year-old kid who still gets a babysitter.

A company is offering a new service that will allow personal photos to be printed on swim trunks. “So it’ll just look like I’m naked?” asked Anthony Weiner.

Major league baseball has announced that they will allow players to wear nicknames on their jerseys for one weekend this season. Unfortunately, it will be the nicknames fans give them.

Ikea recently announced that it will be launching a candle collection, because what goes together better than Ikea furniture and an open flame?

Sun, 06/25/2017

Joke Day: #3937

From: 06/15/17
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 12

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

The Washington Post reports that President Trump is being investigated for obstruction of justice, which could wind up costing him the presidency. Trump was like, “OK, now give me the bad news.”

This morning Trump responded to an article on Twitter and called it a “phony story.” I guess at this point even Trump’s tired of saying “fake news.”

Fox News is dropping its slogan “fair and balanced.” Instead, it will be replaced with the more appropriate slogan “blondes and Hannity.”

National Geographic’s new slogan is “basically the Playboy Channel for chimpanzees.”

BBC America is changing their slogan to “dumber BBC.”

And finally, HGTV’s new slogan is “making you realize how many annoying couples exist.”

Kevin Durant says that President Obama sent him a text to congratulate him on winning his first championship this week. Meanwhile, LeBron got a text that said “loser.”

Conan O'Brien

Vladimir Putin has offered asylum to former FBI Director James Comey. When she heard, Melania Trump said, “Hey, what about me?”

Experts say that if President Trump were to fire Special Prosecutor Robert Mueller, all hell would break loose. Or as Trump calls that, “Thursday.”

President Trump is under investigation for obstruction of justice. That was confirmed today when President Trump said he is NOT under investigation for obstruction of justice.

A United Airlines employee is under fire for pushing over a 71-year-old passenger. Or as the CEO of United put it, “We’re back, baby!”

Sunday is Father’s Day and the Trump kids are planning to give their father a tie. It’ll be the first time in a while that Trump has a tie that’s not linked to Russia.

The Late Late Show with James Corden

It was revealed yesterday that the FBI is now investigating President Donald Trump for obstruction of justice. I don’t know if Trump obstructed justice, but I’ll tell you what he has obstructed — my ability to talk about anything other than Trump every night on this show. Let’s be honest: That’s the real crime, isn’t it?

I don’t want to be doing this! I want to be talking about whether or not Beyoncé’s had her twins yet. Where are they?

But I guess this investigation is also a big deal. Democrats are hoping that this will lead to impeachment. Republicans, on the other hand, are secretly hoping ... that this will lead to impeachment.

How do you guys think the president of the United States responded to these very serious allegations? If you guessed “on Twitter,” I’m sorry to report that you were correct.

This morning Donald Trump tweeted: “They made up a phony collusion with the Russian story, found zero proof, so now they go with obstruction of justice on the phony story. Nice.” Donald Trump is the first president to make regular use of the sarcastic “nice,” isn’t he? You never heard FDR go, “This is a date which will live in infamy. Nice.”

Although, Bill Clinton did use “nice,” but it was different. It was when he said, “I did not have sexual relations with that woman. [winks] Nice.”

Trump also tried to deflect the allegations by going after Hillary Clinton — again. This afternoon, he posted: “Crooked H destroyed phones with hammer, bleached emails and had husband meet with AG days before she was cleared — and they talk about obstruction?” Now just so you know, I don’t understand what this means either. But let’s go through it piece by piece. Let’s start with “Crooked H.” Now, I think he’s talking about Hillary, but Crooked H could also be a member of the Wu Tang Clan.

“Crooked H” sounds like how someone would describe the letter “K” if they forgot what it was called

Next, he said she bleached her emails. That doesn’t sound so bad, does it? Sometimes, before a really hot date night with my wife, I’ll go get my email bleached. It’s a courtesy to your partner.

The real question is: Why is Donald Trump still tweeting about Hillary? Seriously, Donald Trump is that guy who swears he’s over his ex, but then spends the entire night telling you exactly how over her he is.

Thu, 06/29/2017

Joke Day: #3938

From: 06/19/17
(**Part 1*)

Top of Page   Joke: 13

Late Night With Seth Meyers

During a meeting with the president of Panama today, President Trump said, “We did a good job building the Panama Canal,” despite the fact that the canal was constructed over a century ago. Mr. President, if you’re going to keep saying stuff this dumb in front of other world leaders, could you at least wear a big bandage on your head? You know, so it seems like there’s a reason.

Former FBI Director James Comey was reportedly seen dancing this weekend at a wedding in Washington, D.C. Gotta say, I’m impressed. If I had read that many of Anthony Weiner’s emails, I don’t think I’d ever dance again.

The big day finally arrived. Beyoncé gave birth to twins this weekend. And this is surprising: Their names are Kevin and Linda.

According to a new survey, about 1 in 5 dads said they feel guilty about not being present enough with their children. Then again, 1 out of 5 dads is all they could find.

Two Australian farmers recently created a kind of vodka made from carrots. It’s the best thing that’s ever happened to rabbit bachelorette parties.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

Last week, The Washington Post reported that the president was under investigation for obstruction of justice — but, of course, that is just speculation from a hostile newspaper using anonymous sources, so Donald Trump did the smart thing and made no comment. I’m just kidding.

On Friday, he tweeted, “I am being investigated for firing the FBI director by the man who told me to fire the FBI director! Witch hunt.” Mr. President, you know the phrase “You better lawyer up?” It’s short for “You better get a lawyer — and shut up.”

Because Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein was in on talks about firing Comey, he may need to recuse himself from the Russia probe. He would be the third member of this investigation to be gone, after Attorney General Jeff sessions and former FBI Director James Comey. It’s all in the latest season of “Survivor: Justice Department Island.”

Fri, 06/30/2017

Joke Day: #3939

From: 06/19/17
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 14

The Late Late Show with James Corden

The big news over the weekend is that Beyoncé’s twins are here! Beyoncé’s father announced on Twitter that she gave birth last week to two healthy twins weighing in at 6 pounds, 7 “oncés.”

I hope everyone had a good Father’s Day. Or as the Trump children call it, a day.

There have been more legal problems for Donald Trump. One of the president’s lawyers claimed over the weekend that Trump is not under investigation. Which should come as a surprise to Trump, because he tweeted this out a couple of days ago: “I am being investigated.”

This can’t be easy for Trump’s lawyers. Like, they’re representing someone who lies even more than they do. And lying is their job.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

I don’t know if we should have cards for Father’s Day. For Mother’s Day, they’re sweet with nice messages. Father’s Day cards fit into four major categories [shows cards]: golf, fishing, barbecue, beer.

And beer. And beer. And beer and beer. [shows card that reads “Beer Is the Answer”] What kind of message is this? “Dad, you are a potbellied drunk and we’re sending you to rehab after you finish mowing the lawn.” We need to mix it up a little. Either the cards need to change, or we do.

Over the weekend it was reported the president is planning to appoint the person who will oversee billions of dollars as head of the Department of Housing and Urban Development for the states of New York and New Jersey. And that person is — drumroll, please — his son Eric’s wedding planner! For real, she planned his wedding. I guess she did a good job.

Her name is Lynne Patton. She has no experience in urban or housing development but has incredible reviews on Yelp. Almost five stars. And she really knows her way around a centerpiece.

Sat, 07/01/2017

Joke Day: #3940

From: 06/19/17
(**Part 3**)

Top of Page   Joke: 15

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

A new report just came out that says President Trump made $598 million in income last year. It sounds like a lot, but after taxes ... it was still $598 million.

Trump is running a fundraising contest where the winner gets to have dinner with him. James Comey was like, “Trust me, that is not a good prize. Don’t do it.”

This weekend, Trump took his first trip to Camp David. He spent the whole weekend walking around, exploring the property and looking for the Wi-Fi password. “I got to tweet! I got to tweet!”

I want to say congrats to Beyoncé and Jay-Z, who welcomed twins. The doctor said, “It’s a boy and a girl,” and the twins said, “It’s Jay-Z and Beyoncé! Oh, my gosh!”

People figured out they had a boy and a girl when they saw light blue and bright pink balloons being delivered. Incidentally, Light Blue and Bright Pink are also the names they’re considering for the babies.

Conan O'Brien

Yesterday, President Trump’s lawyer insisted that Trump is not under investigation. He added, “And you can trust me, I’m Donald Trump’s lawyer.”

The Discovery Channel announced that Michael Phelps will compete against a shark in a swimming race. Meanwhile, Ryan Lochte will compete against a shark in a spelling bee.

The Supreme Court ruled that a company has the legal right to have an offensive name. In other words, Trump Tower is going to stay Trump Tower.

Sun, 07/02/2017

Joke Day: #3941

From: 06/20/17
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 16

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Summer officially begins tonight. So if you’re wondering why your kids stopped going to school, that’s probably the reason.

It was 119 degrees in Phoenix, Arizona, today. It was too hot to fly. They couldn’t take off because I guess the wheels would melt on the tarmac. People were so desperate for air conditioning, dozens of them actually went to go see that “Baywatch” movie.

It was 117 in Las Vegas. When it hits 117 in Vegas, that’s when the strippers really have it figured out. They’re like, look at you idiots in clothes, we’re wearing nothing. We’re at work.

The state of California has what they call “pay to stay” jails where an inmate can pay for a more comfortable cell. For $100 a night an inmate can get a semi-private room, single showers, and they can make phone calls whenever they want. Like a hotel. Just don’t ask where the mint on your pillow has been.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

According to a new CBS poll, President Trump’s approval rating is just 36 percent. Said Trump, “Out of how many?”

“Batman and Robin” came out 20 years ago today. But we always kinda suspected.

Qatar Airways today was named “Airline of the Year” at the Paris Air Show. While United was named “Heavyweight Champion” by the WWE.

Today was National Vanilla Milkshake Day. Or as Mike Pence calls it, “Spicy Tuesday!”

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

Today, in Las Vegas, the forecast was a record 117. Also the average age of people at the nickel slots.

And today, temperatures are expected to reach 127 degrees in Death Valley. But, it’s a dry death.

It’s so hot that the cartoon sun from the weather reports is staying home in the air conditioning.

The temperature is so high in Phoenix, Arizona, that flights are being canceled because it’s too hot for planes. Because at higher temperatures, the air has a lower density, which reduces how much lift is generated. Scientists first realized this was a problem when they saw birds taking the bus north for summer.

Mon, 07/03/2017

Joke Day: #3942

From: 06/20/17
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 17

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

The White House is reportedly taking Sean Spicer off of giving press briefings, and moving him to a “more senior role focused on strategy.” Which I think is the political version of saying someone’s moving to “a farm upstate.”

Actually, it turns out Spicer is leading the search for his own replacement. Trump would help — but he’s busy searching for HIS own replacement.

Steve Bannon apparently said that Spicer’s press briefings have been off camera lately because, quote, “Sean got fatter.” You know you’re in bad shape when Steve Bannon thinks you’ve let yourself go.

And with the Russia investigation getting bigger, I read that Trump’s lawyer has now hired his own lawyer. When asked if he feels good about the case, Trump’s lawyer’s lawyer said, “Talk to my lawyer.”

Conan O'Brien

Yesterday, the U.S. experienced a series of internet outages. Things got so bad we momentarily surpassed China in productivity.

A new study just came out and it found that after a few months of Donald Trump, most Americans now have a favorable view of President George W. Bush. When reached for comment, the ghost of Richard Nixon said, “Here I come, baby.”

There’s a rumor that the White House is going to find a new place for Press Secretary Sean Spicer. All they told Spicer was “it’s on a big farm upstate where you can run and play with all the other press secretaries…”

In Argentina, an entire trove of Nazi artifacts has been found hidden in a house. You can see the whole thing on the new reality show, “Nazi Hoarders.”

The Late Late Show with James Corden

On Monday, Donald Trump met with the president of Panama and bragged that the U.S. built the Panama Canal. Trump’s bringing up a project from 100 years ago like he had something to do with it. So I guess if he never builds his border wall, he can always take credit for the one in China.

This is basically the only thing Trump knows about Panama. He meets someone from Panama and says, “Hey — canal.” He meets someone from France and says, “Hey — baguettes.” He meets someone from Russia and says, “Hey — thanks for helping me with that whole beating Hillary thing.”

Trump’s war with the press continues. Yesterday, reporters were blocked from recording video or audio during the White House press briefing. Which is incredible. When asked why cameras and recording devices were not allowed in the press briefings, Press Secretary Sean Spicer said... [moment of silence] I mean, I don’t know. I can’t make this any clearer. Nothing was recorded in there.

Tue, 07/04/2017

Joke Day: #3943

From: 06/21/17
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 18

The Late Late Show with James Corden

There was a special election in Georgia last night to fill a vacant congressional seat and Republican Karen Handel defeated the Democrat Jon Ossoff. Now, I have a question about the American political process. When is there NOT an election? There is ALWAYS an election here. You LOVE elections. The only thing you love more than elections is moaning about the outcome of elections.

The Republican won the election and she did it the old-fashioned way, without the help of any Russians.

Experts say the Republican victory in Georgia shows that Americans may not be as dissatisfied with Trump as, let’s say, Melania is.

Now here’s some news from my home country. In her latest speech her majesty the queen did not mention Donald Trump’s state visit to the U.K., leading some to speculate that it may have been canceled. So apparently two can play this whole travel ban game.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Following two special election losses for the Democratic Party yesterday, one Democratic congressman said, quote, “Our brand is worse than Trump.” “Hey, that’s our slogan!” said United Airlines.

Today was the longest day of the year ... says Sean Spicer every day.

Discovery Channel is promoting its upcoming Shark Week by promising to have Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps race a great white shark. But don’t tell him! It’s a surprise!

A company has developed a smart duvet, which can control a person’s body temperature. The way it works is, you kick it off.

Wed, 07/05/2017

Joke Day: #3944

From: 06/21/17
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 19

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Today is the summer solstice, which is the longest day of the year. Or as the White House calls that, “every day.”

Today, hundreds of people did yoga in Times Square to celebrate the first day of summer. At least, I THINK that’s why Times Square Elmo was lying face-down.

Mitch McConnell wants to force a Senate vote on healthcare before July 4, because if there’s one day you want to take away people’s healthcare, it’s the day when they get drunk and set off fireworks.

A child development expert has sued Disney for stealing her idea for the movie “Inside Out.” Disney called the suit ridiculous, then announced their next movie about a child development expert who sues Disney for stealing her idea.

Conan O'Brien

In Israel, a court ruled that a religious man cannot force a woman to move seats on an airplane just because he’s afraid of having accidental physical contact with her. It was the landmark case of Israel vs. Mike Pence.

The reality show “Bachelor in Paradise” has been cleared of the assault charges and it’s going to resume filming. The news was celebrated today by ABC, the contestants, and the chlamydia virus.

President Trump’s son-in-law Jared Kushner is in the Middle East to broker a historic peace between Israel and the Palestinians. Kushner thinks real progress will start once both sides stop laughing.

The Supreme Court just ruled that it is now legal for sex offenders to use social media. When asked to explain the decision, the justices said, “Sex offenders on the internet— what’s the worst that could happen?”

Thu, 07/06/2017

Joke Day: #3945

From: 06/22/17
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 20

Jimmy Kimmel Live

The NBA draft is taking place right now at Barclays Center in Brooklyn, New York. The NBA draft is, I think, the most interesting draft in sports, and it’s important because it helps to decide which teams the players will be on when they lose to the Golden State Warriors next year.

This morning Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell showed us a draft of his top-secret new healthcare legislation. They opened the vault, they laid the bill out on a table, rubbed lemon juice all over it, and the text magically appeared for all to see. And wouldn’t you know it, the bill includes a big tax cut for rich people. So unless you just got drafted by an NBA team, it’s not great news.

They’re calling the plan “Bettercare,” as in: Just imagine how much better this plan would be if the people who wrote it cared.

It slashes Medicaid, which could negatively affect millions of poor and elderly people. But here’s the thing, it won’t happen until 2024. It’s gradual. Which makes you wonder: Why 2024? What is the significance of that? Will we all be in those pods from “The Matrix” by then, we won’t need healthcare?

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Senate Republicans today released a draft of their bill to repeal and replace Obamacare, which would cut taxes for richer Americans and insurance companies, and defund Planned Parenthood for one year. The bill is so bad, President Trump said, “Does anyone have any questions for me about Russia?

Alternatively, I could show you my tax returns. Do you guys want to see that?”

President Trump and the first lady hosted the congressional picnic today on the south lawn of the White House, or as Eric was told, “the north lawn.”

Following losses in two special congressional elections this week, one Democratic staffer reportedly said, “We have 80-year-old leaders and 90-year-old ranking members. This isn’t a party, it’s a giant assisted living center.” Even worse, the reporter then asked about the upcoming G7 summit, and several people yelled “Bingo!”

Fri, 07/07/2017

Joke Day: #3946

From: 06/22/17
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 21

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

We have Ray Romano on the show tonight. He stars in the new movie “The Big Sick,” which is also the name of the Republican healthcare bill.

The Senate healthcare bill came out today, and it would cut a tax on indoor tanning. Which is the biggest proof so far that Trump was actually working on the bill.

Yesterday, White House officials said Russia targeted election systems in 21 states last year. Trump was furious. He said, “I paid for all 50.”

Today, Trump tweeted that he doesn’t have recordings of his conversations with former FBI Director James Comey. He doesn’t have them. Then one guy said [Russian accent], “Don’t worry, you can borrow ours.”

Conan O'Brien

Goodwill has returned almost $100,000 in cash that was mistakenly donated to them in a black duffel bag. A spokesman for Goodwill said, “We’re not very bright.”

A Muslim model has become the first woman to appear in a hijab on the cover of Allure magazine. She also appears in a fashion spread entitled, “10 Hot Looks for When You’re Detained at the Airport.”

NASA reports that it had a record 18,000 applicants to be astronauts. And apparently 1,000 more apply every time President Trump tweets.

A new survey revealed that the average time a heterosexual couple has sex is 19 minutes. In my case, that’s two minutes for sex and 17 minutes for apologizing.

The Late Late Show with James Corden

You remember a month ago Donald Trump tweeted: “James Comey better hope there are no ‘tapes’ of our conversations before he starts leaking to the press.” Well, guess what, today Trump tweeted, “I have no idea whether there are ‘tapes’ or recordings of my conversations with James Comey. But I did not make and do not have any such recordings.” He’s now fact-checking himself!

Of course Trump doesn’t have a tape. Secretly taping someone would require thinking ahead — and show me one time that this president has done that.

But yeah, it turns out Trump didn’t record Comey, there are no tapes. The main reason for this is that people haven’t used tapes since 1992.

At a rally in Iowa last night, Trump unveiled a new plan for his long-proposed border wall [clip of Trump]: “We're thinking about building the wall as a solar wall so it creates energy and pays for itself.” A solar wall. Now he’s literally blowing sunshine up our [butts].

Sat, 07/08/2017

Joke Day: #3947

From: 06/26/17

Top of Page   Joke: 22

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Yesterday, President Trump said that Obama copied him by calling the Republican healthcare bill "Mean." And then Obama said Trump copied him by spending the last six months doing nothing.

Actually, though, Obama is taking some heat right now, because it came out that two senators tried to warn him that Russia was trying to hack the election and he ignored them. Trump promises that if he ever gets top secret information about Russia, he'll do the responsible thing and tweet it.

Nancy Pelosi was talking about her first meeting with Trump and she said that he served pigs in a blanket and kosher meatballs. It's good to know that even the president has a bunch of food from Costco that he is trying to get rid of.

This weekend, Mike Pence officiated the wedding of Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin. Pence said, "You may now kiss the bride." Then he was like, "Not you, Mr. President."

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin got married this weekend for the third time, and the wedding was officiated by Vice President Mike Pence. Because if there's one thing Mike Pence stands for, it's the sanctity of a third marriage.

President Trump and his wife Melania this weekend attended the wedding of Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin. When asked if she cries at weddings, Melania said, "Just the one."

In an interview today, Ivanka Trump graded her father's presidency as an "A." Though if you want an honest assessment maybe ask someone who's not in the will. Like Eric.

Two Florida men reportedly abandoned their car last week after crashing into a Dorito's truck, which sounds like the perfect case for Chips.

Sun, 07/09/2017

Joke Day: #3948

From: 06/27/17

Top of Page   Joke: 23

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

President Trump invited all Republican senators to the White House today for a meeting about healthcare. I guess he turned to each of them and said, "You have five seconds to explain it to me, GO!"

It came out yesterday that under the Republican healthcare plan, 22 million people will lose their health insurance over the next decade. 22 million! Or as Trump put it, "Wow — that's like, half my Inauguration crowd!"

I saw that Canada is restoring a historic brothel that was owned by Trump's grandfather in 1897. They're even putting a plaque out front that says: "The Trumps: Screwing People Since 1897."

Today, a giant cyberattack hit computer systems in Russia. In a related story, Hillary Clinton just had a GREAT week at computer camp.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

The White House today formally nominated Christopher Wray to be the next director of the FBI. Aaaand… he's been fired.

Disneyworld's Hall of Presidents, which has been closed since January in order to add a new President Trump robot, has reportedly pushed its reopening to the fall. "Bummer!" said literally not one child.

In a recent interview, former Georgia congressional candidate John Ossoff said his near-victory for the Democrats last week shows that President Trump and chief strategist Steve Bannon "should be sweating in 2018." Um, have you seen those guys lately? They probably sweat getting out of bed.

German Chancellor Angela Merkel said in an interview yesterday, "I laugh at least once every day. Otherwise I cannot do this job." Once every day? I would have guessed "once, period."

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

You remember how the Republicans have been promising to repeal and replace Obamacare for seven years now? Yeah. It's their most consistent message other than "Turn down that hip-hop racket, you kids!"

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell has promised he will pass Trumpcare before the July 4 recess. And he has got to, because McConnell knows if they don't pass it now, there's a serious danger someone might read it.

Republicans, who were already nervous, ran for the exits after the nonpartisan Congressional Budget Office announced yesterday that under the GOP plan, 22 million people would lose their health coverage. That's a big number. To put that number into perspective, if you laid 22 million people end to end, it would reach Canada, where they could get healthcare.

Mon, 07/10/2017

Joke Day: #3949

From: 06/28/17

Top of Page   Joke: 24

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

I saw that President Trump retweeted a 16-year-old who posted a photo calling CNN the "Fake News Network." When asked what it's like to have a child follow you on Twitter, the 16-year-old said, "Pretty cool!"

Some parents are planning to boycott Disney World's Hall of Presidents now that it features Trump. Or as their kids put it, "Oh, no. Guess we'll just have to do Splash Mountain again."

I saw yesterday Republican senators took coach buses to the White House to meet with Trump about healthcare. You could tell which senators actually read the bill, 'cuz they were the ones buckling their seatbelts.

The other day, a man in Minnesota got arrested, and handed the officer a Monopoly "Get out of jail free" card. Then when he got to prison, his cellmate handed him a card that said, "You won a beauty contest."

A woman in South Carolina just gave birth to a 14.4-pound baby boy. The doctor was like, "Congratulations! It's a man!"

Late Night With Seth Meyers

President Trump today met several Native American tribal leaders. They had a lot of questions for the president, such as, "How the hell did you manage to lose money running a casino?"

During a phone call with the Irish prime minister yesterday, President Trump reportedly told an Irish journalist in the Oval Office that she had "a nice smile on her face." Then he said, "Wait, now it's gone."

According to new research, a press-on patch for the flu vaccine works just as well as the flu shot. You just remove the adhesive backing and place it firmly over your co-worker's mouth.

A British man who previously set a record for making the world's largest Rubik's cube recently created what he believes is the world's largest fidget spinner. And then he went home and slept in the world's emptiest bed.

Spirit Airlines recently gave a family 21 years of free travel after a mother went into labor and gave birth mid-flight. Though they probably should have given those free flights to the guy sitting next to her.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell announced that voting on the [healthcare] bill would be delayed until after the Fourth of July. It's a smart move. You don't want to strip people of healthcare until after the holiday that mixes booze and explosives.

The New York Times said Donald Trump "faltered in his role as a 'closer.'" Yeah, usually, he's a great closer. Just look at his casinos. Oh wait, you can't, they're gone.

According to the Times, Trump failed to sway Senate Republicans who didn't support the bill. His top aides didn't lobby for it, and one Republican senator said the president did not have a grasp of some basic elements of the Senate plan.

If you haven't heard, there's been another global cyber-attack. This time, hackers unleashed a virus called GoldenEye, which you may remember as the name of Pierce Brosnan's first James Bond film. Which means it's a pretty good virus, but your dad still thinks Sean Connery's malware was better.

Tue, 07/11/2017

Joke Day: #3950

From: 06/29/17

Top of Page   Joke: 25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Trump accused Mika Brzezinski of getting plastic surgery, which is odd, because that’s the only thing covered by his healthcare plan.

Today is the 10th anniversary of the release of the first iPhone. It’s also the 10th anniversary of someone asking their bartender, “Um, can you charge this for me?”

Airbnb is planning to launch a luxury service for mansions. They say it’s perfect for people who want to have everything stolen from their mansion.

A woman gave birth to a baby on a recent Spirit Airlines flight. When the flight attendant said, “Is there a doctor on board?” the passengers said, “Of course not. This is Spirit Airlines.”

For the fourth time, a small town in Kentucky has elected a dog as its mayor. People were so excited; at the victory party, they kept chanting, “28 more years! 28 more years!”

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Last night, President Trump hosted the first fundraiser for his 2020 re-election campaign. The event was black tie, but white guests.

Today, President Trump met with the newly elected president of South Korea. “Do you speak English?” asked the president of South Korea.

This weekend is the July 4th holiday weekend, or as your dog calls it, PTSD Day.

According to a new study, the best-received smiles are those that have a pleasing balance of teeth, which is incidentally the worst-received compliment. “Has anyone ever told you how your balance of teeth is pleasing to the eye? Is this seat taken?”

A company in New York City has opened what some are calling a nonalcoholic cocktail bar that creates drinks using lemons and herbal ingredients instead of alcohol. And this is cool — they’re using empty chairs instead of customers.

A new poll found that 10 percent of people post vacation photos on social media to make others jealous, and 100 percent of people click on them to see co-workers in a bathing suit.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

I’m going to say something I didn’t think was possible anymore: I am shocked by something Donald Trump said. I thought, by now, that my soul had calcified into a crouton. Not true, because today, the president of the United States tweeted, “How come low I.Q. Crazy Mika, along with Psycho Joe, came to Mar-a-Lago 3 nights in a row around New Year’s Eve, and insisted on joining me. She was bleeding badly from a face-lift. I said no!”

First of all, someone bleeding badly at your door, and you say no? Sounds like your healthcare plan. I mean, turning them away from your hotel during the middle of winter is literally the story of Christmas. Only there wasn’t a wise man in sight.

Let’s stop pretending Trump is a symptom of something. He’s the disease, and the only cure is three and a half years of liquor and bed rest.

Of course, the first lady defended her husband via her spokesperson: “As the first lady has stated publicly in the past, when her husband gets attacked, he will punch back 10 times harder.” Yes, as the first lady says, “When they go low, we go 10 times lower.”