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Joke of the Day

Day # Range: 3901 - 3925

Date Range: 05/09/17 ~ 06/06/17

Sat, 05/13/2017

Joke Day: #3901

From: 05/09/17
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 01

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Some big news from overseas. Yesterday, France elected 39-year-old Emmanuel Macron to be its new president. Trump said he’s worried that, at 39, the president may be a little immature — then went back to tweeting insults at CNN.

Macron actually won despite having his campaign hacked. Or as one guy put it (Russian accent), “Eh — you help win some, you help lose some.”

Republican Congressman Raul Labrador is under fire for saying that “nobody dies because they don’t have access to healthcare.” Then Trump was like, “No way — a talking Labrador? I gotta meet this dog! This is unbelievable!”

A man who runs a pizzeria in California made a gluten-free pizza entirely out of cheese. Or, and hear me out, he just made cheese.

I read that Facebook is shutting down its virtual reality film studio. People were like, “If I wanted to see my Facebook friends in 3D, I’d actually hang out with them.”

Conan O'Brien

In Mexico, the world’s heaviest man, who weighs almost 1,000 pounds, is preparing for surgery. The man said, “After years of being unhappy with my appearance, I’m finally getting that nose job.”

North Korea reported that there was a U.S.-sponsored plot launched against Kim Jong Un. Apparently two CIA agents tried to sneak up on Kim and give him a man’s haircut.

Former President Bill Clinton is collaborating on a novel about a U.S. president who goes missing. Clinton is describing the novel as “part fiction, part alibi.”

In Florida, a 10-year-old girl pried herself from the jaws of an 8-foot alligator. Then the little girl remembered she lives in Florida, and climbed back in.

In France this weekend, far-right-wing candidate Marine Le Pen lost the presidential election by millions of votes. And here’s the cool part, in France, if you lose by millions of votes that means you don’t get to be president.

In Colorado, a high school teacher has been put on leave after her class smashed a President Trump piñata. When he heard this, Trump was especially furious that he had been made into something that brings joy to Mexicans.

A new biography of President Obama is coming out and it claims that before Michelle, he had a fiancée whose parents didn’t think much of Obama’s job prospects. Actually, I think they had a point, because now Obama’s a 55-year-old unemployed man.

The Late Late Show with James Corden

France elected a new president. Centrist candidate Emmanuel Macron won the French presidential election, defeating the far-right candidate Marine Le Pen. Macron won by a large margin, easily getting more votes — which, most Americans will be surprised to learn, is how you win most elections in almost all the countries.

House Republicans spent the weekend defending the bill they just passed to replace Obamacare. Now healthcare is incredibly important. So I’m sure these Republican congressmen read the new bill very closely, right? One of those guys said, “I turned through every page.” That’s not reading. By his definition, I’ve read the entire English Oxford Dictionary, the Bible, and my CBS contracts.

White House Chief of Staff Reince Priebus responded to critics of the bill saying if you have a pre-existing condition this president is not going to let you down. And, he better hope so because the name Reince Priebus sounds like a pre-existing condition. Doesn’t it? “I’m afraid we have bad news. We found traces of your Reince in your Priebus.”

Mon, 05/15/2017

Joke Day: #3902

From: 05/10/17
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 02

Late Night With Seth Meyers

The White House announced yesterday that President Trump fired FBI Director James Comey. Yet another long-time dream that Trump stole from Hillary.

President Vladimir Putin said today that Russia had “nothing to do with” the firing of FBI Director James Comey. And you can tell, because Comey’s alive.

A retreat called “Cannabliss” will take place next month in California. It’s a five-day marijuana festival that lasts 10 days.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

It’s been a historic day. We have reached a milestone as a nation. It’s not just that the president fired the head of the FBI. No, here’s the milestone — we have apparently elected a president who truly does not care about what anything looks like. Which is surprising for a guy whose actual face we’ve never seen.

Firing Jim Comey, head of the FBI, really feels like Authoritarianism 101. Which, by the way, a very difficult class.

The word is Trump has been planning to fire Comey for at least a week. And he evidently asked Attorney General Jeff Sessions to come up with reasons to fire him. So now the Department of Justice is the Department of Justification.

So Comey has been fired, or as Fox News put it, “James Comey resigns.”

Jimmy Kimmel Live

We’re starting with what might be the most shocking episode of “The Celebrity President” yet. President Trump yesterday said adios to James Comey, who was director of the FBI, and also was in charge of investigating his campaign’s relationship with the Russians. He fired the guy who is investigating him. When we said Trump should act more presidential, we probably should have specified we didn’t mean Nixon.

Trump had his long-time personal bodyguard deliver a letter in a manila envelope to FBI headquarters informing him he was fired. James Comey wasn’t there, he was here in L.A. speaking to a group of FBI agents and they had the TV on. He sees on the news that he was fired. He thought it was a prank. For real, he thought it was — which makes you wonder what kind of friends he has.

Yesterday when the Comey firing happened, White House “stress secretary” Sean Spicer was about to leave for his Navy Reserve duty. And he didn’t want to answer questions, so he hid in the bushes outside the White House. For real. Sometimes you’ve got to stop and smell the Rose Garden, you know?

Spicer finally agreed to come out if the reporters turned their camera lights off and their cameras. I guess for some reason he felt like the White House press secretary crawling out of his hiding place might be a bad visual.

Tue, 05/16/2017

Joke Day: #3903

From: 05/10/17
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 03

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Yesterday, Donald Trump fired the director of the FBI, James Comey, and I guess Comey heard about it right before a recruitment event he was going to speak at. Then he was like, “Hey, while I’m recruiting — anyone wanna be director? It just came up. I just got the email.”

They’re also saying when he got the news, Comey thought it was a prank and started laughing. But to be fair, that’s also how Trump reacted when he won the election. “That’s very good — where’s Ashton Kutcher? I love that guy!”

Of course, it drew immediate reactions from other politicians. When she heard Comey was fired, Hillary called him and said, “Aw, did someone take away a job that was rightfully yours? Ah, too bad!”

Melania Trump will join Donald on his first trip overseas as president. Melania said she’s a little nervous for the trip because it’s always hard traveling with a baby.

I read about a coffee shop in Toronto that doesn’t have any Wi-Fi to encourage customers to talk to each other. Although all the customers talk about now is how they should really get Wi-Fi in this coffee shop.

Conan O'Brien

Today, Russian President Vladimir Putin said he had nothing to do with the firing of FBI Director James Comey. Putin said, “How could I? He’s still alive, isn’t he?”

Today, President Trump promised to bring back “the spirit and prestige of the FBI.” Trump said, “When I’m arrested, I want to be arrested by the very best.”

Yesterday, FBI Director James Comey got a letter from President Trump informing him that his services were no longer needed. After hearing this, Melania Trump said, “I would kill for one of those letters.”

It’s come out that in the days before the Comey firing, Donald Trump would often scream at cable TV. He would usually yell, “YOU’RE not the Cake Boss — I’M the Cake Boss!”

Analysts are saying that last night’s events could be “the beginning of the end for Donald Trump.” Oh wait, I’m sorry, this joke is from a monologue I did last year.

After news of the Comey firing broke last night, Press Secretary Sean Spicer avoided reporters by hiding behind a bush outside the White House. Today, Bill Clinton said, “Oh yeah, I remember that bush.”

The Late Late Show with James Corden

The fallout continues after the surprise firing of FBI Director James Comey yesterday. Apparently Comey was in Los Angeles and found out that he was fired when he saw it on television. Which basically means Trump fired the head of the FBI the same way he fired Gary Busey — on television.

Can you imagine finding out you lost your job like that? I mean, I get [ticked off] when I find out about “Game of Thrones” spoilers.

Now of course President Trump spoke about the backlash. He gave a very calm and measured interview to NPR. I’m kidding! He fired off a string of angry tweets.

This morning he attacked his critics on Twitter and in one tweet referred to Sen. Chuck Schumer as Cryin’ Chuck Schumer. Now you remember he does this, there was also Lyin’ Ted Cruz and Crooked Hillary. I’m starting to think the only job Trump is really qualified for is coming up with catchy stage names for professional wrestlers.

The whole administration is facing questions about this firing. After reporters were hounding Press Secretary Sean Spicer for comments, he did what any professional White House press secretary would do: He hid in the bushes.

Think about that for a second — a grown man hiding in the bushes from doing his job. That’s like when I hide in the gym toilets to avoid my personal trainer. “Get your feet up, he won’t know I’m in here!”

Wed, 05/17/2017

Joke Day: #3904

From: 05/11/17
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 04

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Tonight President Trump gave his first TV interview since he fired the director of the FBI on Tuesday. You know, one of the reasons they’re giving for that firing is that Trump said James Comey lost the trust of rank and file FBI agents. And today the acting head of the FBI, Andrew McCabe, flatly contradicted that. He said the vast majority of agents hold a deep positive connection to Director Comey. So he’s fired too, then, right? Everybody’s fired.

I think the strategist thing about how all this went down is that Trump fired James Comey by letter. He had a letter delivered to his office at the FBI. He didn’t even say, “You’re fired,” which is his catch phrase! It would be like Arnold Schwarzenegger leaving a party and just going, “See ya.”

Trump did an interview with The Economist in which he claims to have invented the phrase “priming the pump.” For real. He said he came up with it a couple of days ago and he thought it was good. He’s right, it is good. The phrase “priming the pump” has been around since the early 1930s.

Everyone is very focused on the Comey firing and whether Trump’s people colluded with the Russians — and all that is important. But I think this is even more important. Because forget everything politically, forget everything you believe for a minute, forget whether you’re a Democrat or Republican. Just clear your mind and ask yourself, what kind of a person thinks he came up with the phrase “priming the pump”?

I mean, who would ever say, “Yeah, thought of that” — only a crazy person. Every sane English-speaking person knows that unless Donald Trump is secretly 120 years old, he didn’t come up with “priming the pump.” That’s a red flag for a mental disorder. Even Melania was like, “You didn’t write that.”

It’s funny, every time Donald Trump does something like this, people go, “Is he crazy? Or is he crazy like a fox?” Well, I’m here to tell you there’s no fox. It’s just all crazy.

President Trump’s approval rating has sunk to near-historic lows. According to a new Quinnipiac poll, his approval rating is down to 36 percent. If it gets down to the 20s he might start dating it.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Acting FBI Director Andrew McCabe testified before the Senate Intelligence Committee today. It went like this: “Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?” “I do.” “OK. You’re fired.”

A Confederate monument was removed today from New Orleans. No word on if they’ll relocate it to D.C., [shows photo of Jeff Sessions] like the Confederate monument they removed from Alabama.

In a newly released interview, President Trump said that he might release his tax returns after he leaves the White House. So keep your eyes peeled, ’cause he leaves the White House a lot.

A company is selling a jacket with a heating mode and a cooling mode. The way it works is, there’s a zipper.

Today was Eat What You Want Day, but “how can you eat a father’s love?” asked Eric.

Ride hailing service Uber will now allow users to save addresses other than home or work for quick access in the app. So get ready to get caught!

Thu, 05/18/2017

Joke Day: #3905

From: 05/11/17
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 05

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

The big story still is Trump firing FBI Director James Comey, and it turns out Comey had six years left on his 10-year term. It’s easier get out of your FBI contract than it is your AT&T contract.

In the middle of all this, Trump met with the Russian foreign minister yesterday and the White House says Russia tricked them by posting photos of the meeting. Got suspicious when the photographer told Trump, “OK, now do silly one when you hold up nuclear codes.”

The next season of “Scandal” will be its last. ABC is ending “Scandal.” Fortunately, the White House picked it up for four more seasons.

Mother’s Day is this weekend. Happy Mother’s Day to all the moms out there. I saw that a strip club in Las Vegas is offering a dinner special. When asked what they do for Father’s Day, the strippers said, “What are fathers?”

Blue Cross is partnering with Lyft to give people rides to the doctor. It costs $600. The drivers are specially trained, and — it’s just an ambulance.

The Late Late Show with James Corden

Today Donald Trump signed an executive order to establish a commission to investigate voter fraud. Trump says that he and his commission want to make sure every American gets a vote, and that every Russian gets two.

Trump claims he would have won the popular vote if there hadn’t been voter fraud but there is absolutely no proof of that. We are now just creating commissions to prove Trump’s dumb theories. I can’t wait for the report from the Senate commission on “But No Seriously, Meryl Streep Is Overrated.”

In other Trump news, in an interview with The Economist published today, Trump said he might release his tax returns one day, once he’s out of office. So if we want to see those tax returns, all we have to do is get him out of office. Let’s see if we can speed that up!

He says he’s going to do the right thing but after the fact. That’s like saying I’m going to put a condom on right after the baby is born.

Now Trump’s exact quote about his tax return was, “Oh, at some point I’ll release them. Maybe I’ll release them after I’m finished because I’m very proud of them, actually, I did a good job.” Who talks about their tax forms like that? We want him to release his taxes, but at this point, I’d settle for him releasing his high school diploma.

In that same interview while talking about the economy, Donald Trump used the common phrase “prime the pump,” and he then went on to say — these are his actual words — “Have you heard that expression used before? Because I haven’t heard it. I came up with it a couple of days ago and I thought it was good. It’s what you have to do.”

Later — this is absolutely true — Merriam-Webster Dictionary tweeted this at the president: “‘Pump priming’ has been used to refer to government expenditures since 1933.” But trump’s not worried about criticism over this. He says that he faced the same backlash when he invented the term “on fleek.”

Now think about this: The dictionary is mad at Trump. But this is isn’t the first time he’s had trouble with books. You remember his inauguration when he put his hand on that Bible and it burst into flames?

Although Trump doesn’t get credit for creating the term “prime the pump,” he has created lots of other things. He has, for example, created Sean Spicer’s ulcers, soaring stock prices for Xanax, and he created — let’s not forget — he created lots of jobs for his kids.

Sat, 05/20/2017

Joke Day: #3906

From: 05/15/17
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 06

Late Night With Seth Meyers

The Washington Post this evening reported that President Trump revealed highly classified information to the Russian foreign minister and ambassador during their closed-door meeting last week. You have to be kidding me! How can you let highly classified information fall into the hands of Donald Trump?

President Trump yesterday issued a statement calling for paid family leave. Which is a little surprising until you remember that he’s already paid two families to leave.

Parents at a Florida school are reportedly outraged after a video surfaced of students in a classroom twerking and giving lap dances. Or as it’s called in Florida, Career Day.

Customs officials in Malaysia have seized over 300 tortoises that were being smuggled through the airport. Three hundred tortoises, or as it’s technically known, a McConnell family reunion.

A 101-year-old man recently became the oldest person to sky dive. At least that’s the explanation coming from United Airlines.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

Well, ladies and gentlemen, I’ve got good news and bad news. The bad news: The Washington Post reports that Trump revealed highly classified information to the Russian foreign minister and ambassador. Good news: Trump found the leaker.

When Kislyak and Lavrov were in the Oval Office last week, Trump apparently went off script and began describing details about an Islamic state terrorist threat. That is unbelievable — Trump has a script? I don’t believe that for a minute. I need intel on that.

The information is so sensitive, the article can’t describe in detail what was shared, but one official said, “This is code-word information.” ”Code word” means the vital aspects of the story have to be replaced with other words. You have to say things like, “The package has been delivered.” “The squirrel is in the basket.” ”The idiot is in the Oval.”

Sun, 05/21/2017

Joke Day: #3907

From: 05/15/17
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 07

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

President Trump gave a commencement speech at Liberty University on Saturday and he said, “Always have the courage to be yourself and chase your dreams.” Then he stopped talking because he ran out of fortune cookies.

I guess there was one awkward moment during the speech, when Trump said that there are more job openings than ever. And the students said, “Yeah, ’cause you keep firing everyone.”

Yesterday, 39-year-old Emmanuel Macron became the youngest president in French history. You can tell he’s young ’cause after they swore him in, his first words in his speech were, “So, that just happened.”

American Airlines says it’s getting rid of seat-back TV screens, because most people bring a device with them. While United’s doing the same thing on their flights, because most people just watch the live entertainment.

Two people in Arkansas were arrested for stealing $5,000 worth of Little Debbie snack cakes. They were charged with theft and I assume possession of weed.

The Late Late Show with James Corden

Over the weekend, the world’s biggest-ever cyberattack spread around the globe infecting 150 countries. It’s pretty horrifying. Computers have been totally destroyed. In some cases, in extreme cases, people were forced to have actual face-to-face conversations. It was a nightmare.

The virus involved in the attack is called ransomware and it locks up your computer and tells you that you can unlock it by paying the hackers $300. Which is kind of insulting when you think about it, when the hackers are like, “If you want your life back, you give us … $300.” That’s it? That’s all I’m worth? My life, $300?

Now this was interesting: The virus was stopped by a computer security expert who is only 22 years old. It is incredible. It’s the first time a 22-year-old guy has stopped a virus without putting ointment on it.

It’s prom season right now, and at a prom in Memphis, Tenn., the rapper Drake made an appearance attending the event with his cousin and her date. Kind of a mixed bag though, because on one hand you came to the prom with Drake. On the other hand you came to the prom with your cousin.

According to the Social Security Administration, the fastest growing boy’s name in 2016 was Kylo, after Kylo Ren, the main villain in the “Star Wars” film “The Force Awakens.” I guess villains are popular right now. Which means a year from now, the hot new baby name is going to be Donald.

South Korea just elected a new president. And I don’t know if you saw this, one of his bodyguards is so super-hot that people on the internet are losing it. This is the security guard [shows photo]. I mean come on, ladies — that guy can debrief me any time.

I get what is going on here. The new South Korean president is kind of average-looking, you know, so why not surround yourself with someone young and hot. Did I mention Harry Styles is here all week?

Jimmy Kimmel Live

I have to say I’m very proud of myself. I made sure my wife had a great Mother’s Day. I got up early. I got up at 7 a.m. I quietly slipped out of bed. I left the house, didn’t come back until nighttime. That way she could have the whole day with the kids, just her and a 2-year-old and an infant. And you know what’s weird, she didn’t even thank me.

President Trump had a message for the moms of the world yesterday. He wrote, “Wishing FLOTUS Melania and all the great mothers out there a wonderful day with family and friends.” Then he went to play golf by himself. I’m pretty sure going to play golf alone on Mother’s Day while your wife takes care of the kid is grounds for divorce, isn’t it?

Not only was it Mother’s Day, also this weekend we had the mother of all cyberattacks, the biggest cyberattack in history. More than 300,000 people and institutions in about 150 countries had their data held hostage by ransomware called WannaCry, which sounds like a new single from Harry Styles.

Sadly the president did not get to go to Florida this weekend. He had to stay back to give the commencement speech at Liberty University on Saturday, where he inspired graduates by marveling at the size of the crowds he’s able to draw. [Video of Trump] “This is a beautiful stadium. And it is packed. I’m so happy about that.” Donald Trump is the only person who can show up at an event where families come to see their children graduate and assume the crowd is there to see him.

The president, I’m sure you know, fired FBI Director James Comey last week and then tweeted this. He wrote, “James Comey better hope there are no ‘tapes’ of our conversations before he starts leaking to the press!” I don’t know, if I was Donald Trump I wouldn’t mention tapes and leaking in the same sentence. Just in case.

Lawmakers in Washington are now demanding if there are tapes, Trump turn them over. Not just Democrats, but Republicans like Sen. Lindsey Graham are urging the White House to clear the air too. Here’s the thing: Donald Trump will never release tapes because the only tapes he has were recorded on the “Access Hollywood” bus.

Mon, 05/22/2017

Joke Day: #3908

From: 05/16/17
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 08

Late Night With Seth Meyers

According to the New York Times, President Trump asked former FBI Director James Comey to shut down the investigation into former National Security Adviser Michael Flynn. And that comes on the heels of revelations that Trump shared highly classified information with Russian officials last week. You know, at this point, I’d give anything to return to the simpler days of the campaign. The days when the only thing he gave away was his autograph.

I just want to see you sign hats again, Mr. President. Re-sign that hat. Still a lot of hats out there you can get back to.

National Security Adviser H.R. McMaster today defended President Trump for sharing classified information with Russia, saying, “The president wasn’t even aware where the information came from.” Well, that doesn’t surprise me. I would bet Trump isn’t even sure where babies come from.

A new Gallup poll finds that President Trump’s approval rating has dropped to 38 percent. You know it’s bad when your approval ratings reach the numbers where you get concerned your phone is going to die.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

Apparently — this is being reported in the Washington Post — Trump was showing off for his guests telling the Russians: “I get great Intel. I have people brief me on great Intel every day.” Well, yeah. You’re the president. It’s the job.

It’s like the guy working the fry station saying, “You would not believe the tater tots I have access to.”

Israel was the source of the intelligence Trump gave to the Russians. And oopsa shalom — Trump is scheduled to visit Israel next week. That is really going to be one awkward state dinner. “Mr. President, can you please pass the hummus, or would you prefer to pass it directly to Russia?”

Tue, 05/23/2017

Joke Day: #3909

From: 05/16/17
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 09

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

The Washington Post is reporting that President Trump revealed classified information to Russian officials in the Oval Office last week. And there’s talk that Congress might investigate him for it. Trump says he has nothing to hide and that he’ll fire whoever’s investigating him anyway. So, doesn’t matter.

Trump revealed secret information about ISIS to the Russian foreign minister and ambassador. Trump was like, “Don’t worry, I traded the information for three magic beans.”

It is rumored that Fox News host Kimberly Guilfoyle could replace Sean Spicer as White House press secretary. Spicer’s friends were going to take him out for drinks, but he said, “Actually, I’ve been drunk since January.”

A new study found that more than half of American doctors are burnt out, exhausted, and losing their sense of purpose. So, if your doctor seems burnt out, exhausted, and losing their sense of purpose, ask if Zoloft might be right for them.

The Late Late Show with James Corden

The big story today is that Donald Trump shared secret information with the Russians last week. The good news for Trump is that he’s been named Employee of the Month by Russia.

Hillary Clinton is forming a group called Onward Together, a political organization that is anti-Trump. Experts are calling it bold, ambitious, and six months too late.

Last week, a man in Washington State tried to get out of drug charges by bribing the policeman with Taco Bell. Um, “nacho” smart. Police got suspicious of narcotics when they saw the man doing 75 miles per hour — he was on foot.

Hackers have stolen a copy of the new “Pirates of the Caribbean” movie and are holding it for ransom. Yeah. They could release this movie illegally. I guess you could say it’s a “pirated” video.

Wed, 05/24/2017

Joke Day: #3910

From: 05/18/17
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 10

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

A recording just came out from a closed-door meeting where Republican Congressman Kevin McCarthy says he thinks Vladimir Putin actually pays Donald Trump. Trump said he never accepted any money from Putin, because he was paid entirely in KFC gift cards.

Meanwhile, Trump started tweeting again. Today he criticized the Russia investigation, saying, “This is the single greatest witch hunt of a politician in American history.” Then one guy was like, “Do you still want to see my birth certificate?”

Tomorrow Trump will leave for Saudi Arabia, even though he publicly bashed the country while he was campaigning. The only way staffers got him to go was by telling him he gets to meet Aladdin and Princess Jasmine.

A princess in Japan is giving up her royal status so she can marry a commoner. Which is something she’ll definitely bring up in every single fight she has with her husband. “Your friends are coming over for dinner? I gave up being a princess for you.”

The Late Late Show with James Corden

It’s been a wild week for President Donald Trump. On Wednesday, the Justice Department appointed a special counsel to investigate Trump’s connections to Russia. Robert Mueller will be the special counsel. And today, Trump reacted by saying, “No fair, why does that guy get to be called special?”

I’m kidding; Trump reacted by tweeting, of course. This morning, Donald Trump tweeted that he is the victim of “the single greatest witch hunt of a politician in American history.” The single greatest — even when he’s whining, Trump still has to be the greatest.

A Girl Scout troop leader in Kentucky is on the run from police after she allegedly stole $15,000 worth of Girl Scout cookies. The suspect is now at large. And getting larger every minute.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

President Trump is having one heck of a week. The Justice Department appointed a special counsel to investigate ties between his campaign and Russia, which he did not like at all. But sources inside the White House say when he found out about it, he didn’t yell or scream. He told his staff, “We have nothing to hide.” He was calm. He punched Sean Spicer in the stomach a few times.

Then this morning at 7:52 a.m. he got on Twitter and wrote: “This is the single greatest witch hunt of a politician in American history.” Even his witch hunts are the greatest in American history.

He also posted, “With all of the illegal acts that took place in the Clinton campaign and Obama administration, there was never a special counsel appointed.” I’m not sure if he’s bragging about that. Maybe that’s because neither one of them fired the person who was investigating them at the time?

With all the drama going on, Trump is getting out of town, he’s headed to Saudi Arabia tomorrow. He’s going to give — this is not a joke — he’s there to give a speech on Islam. Seems like a good idea. I’m sure the Muslim community is very eager to hear the orange man who’s trying to ban them from the country give a little speech. “Islam is fantastic, I have so many Muslim friends.”

Trump will be out of the country for nine days. See, this is when they should put that travel ban in place. You know?

According to multiple reports, there may be some changes when the president gets back from his trip. White House “stress secretary” Sean Spicer might not be allowed to do the daily press briefings anymore, which would be a shame because that’s one of my favorite shows right now.

Thu, 05/25/2017

Joke Day: #3911

From: 05/18/17
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 11

Late Night With Seth Meyers

President Trump today called the appointment of a special counsel to investigate his campaign’s ties to Russia “the single greatest witch hunt of a politician in American history.” Though it didn’t help his case much when he flew away on a broom.

During a press conference this afternoon, President Trump said that his administration is getting things done at a record-setting pace. For example, most presidents take four years to finish a term and it looks like Trump’s going to get it done in, like, eight months.

The Justice Department yesterday appointed former FBI Director Robert Mueller as special counsel to oversee the investigation into Trump and Russia. “I’m gonna get to the bottom of this,” said Donald Trump to a pint of Haagen-Dazs.

Rapper A$AP Rocky had $1.5 million worth of jewelry stolen from his home in Los Angeles earlier this week. Well, here’s a free tip: Stop spelling your name with a dollar sign. That’s like having the license plate “I LUV COCAINE” and being surprised when the cops pull you over.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

The announcement of a special counsel [to investigate the Trump administration] shocked everyone, including the White House, which reportedly only got 30 minutes warning before the announcement went public. Sean Spicer barely had time to dive in the hedges and cover himself with mud. He learned that from Schwarzenegger in “Predator.”

The twist is that the counsel was appointed by Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein. Remember Rosenstein? Last week when the administration was looking for someone to blame for the Comey firing, they tried to throw Rosenstein under the bus — forgetting that as deputy AG, he’s actually the bus DRIVER. Next stop: Indictment Avenue.

The new special counsel is former FBI Director Robert Mueller, who is Trump’s worst nightmare — a competent adult who owes him nothing and who, I am guessing, has not seen “The Apprentice.”

Fri, 05/26/2017

Joke Day: #3912

From: 05/22/17
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 12

Jimmy Kimmel Live

The president and first lady visited Israel today. Trump arrived in Tel Aviv this morning with his wife Melania. He went to hold her hand and she kind of gave him a little, kind of, get-that-away-from-me. I'm no body language expert but I think that's a sign for "I'm supposed to be shopping on Fifth Avenue right now."

Either that or his hand is so tiny she just didn't see it.

In spite of whatever's going on domestically, the president made history today by becoming the first sitting president to visit the Western Wall. Now, I don't know what's going through his head here. My guess is that he's pretending to be praying or something. We're not paying for this. Don't get any ideas.

Before his visit to Israel, Trump was in Saudi Arabia. This is where the wheels came off. First of all, his commerce secretary was on TV raving about how there were no protesters in Saudi Arabia. Because protesters are beheaded in Saudi Arabia. That's why. People without heads tend not to speak out.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

President Trump visited the Jewish holy site, the Western Wall, in east Jerusalem today. He also said the wall was the reason Israel doesn't have any Mexicans.

Even brought out a tape measure. “Melania, how big is Mexico?”

President Trump said today he never mentioned the word "Israel" as the source of intelligence about ISIS during a meeting with Russian officials. Dude, nobody said you did. That's like if your wife said, "Are you having an affair?" And you said, "I am not sleeping with Jenna."

President Trump was given an official welcome ceremony in Saudi Arabia this weekend where he was greeted with an honorary collar. As opposed to Michael Flynn who could soon be presented with an honorary anklet.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

Now, I don't know about you, but I've got a little extra pep in my step tonight because Donald Trump has left the country. Breathing a little easier. Federal judges, now would be a good time to reinstate that travel ban.

The Saudis know that the quickest way to Trump's heart is through his ego. So they put up Trump-themed billboards everywhere. Including one of his tweets, "Great to be in Riyadh, Saudi Arabia. Looking forward to the afternoon and evening ahead. #Potus-abroad."

They even put one of his tweets on the welcome sign. "Welcome to Riyadh. Rosie O'Donnell is a fat pig."

Somehow, the Saudi king always gets the U.S. president to bow. It happened to George Bush in 2008, and Obama in 2009. Trump gave Obama a lot of grief for that. So, there was "no way" Trump was going to bow when King Salman gave him the medal. Here he is going from the knees -- trying not to -- and the bow, and a little curtsy at the end there.

Sat, 05/27/2017

Joke Day: #3913

From: 05/22/17
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 13

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

President Trump is still on his big overseas trip. Today, he arrived in Israel and landed in Tel Aviv. Then when they welcomed him to Tel Aviv, Trump said, "Who's Aviv and what am I supposed to tell him?"

I saw that today Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu gave Trump a 150-year-old bible. Which got awkward when Trump autographed it and gave it back to him.

Trump became the first sitting U.S. president to visit the Western Wall in Jerusalem. His staff said he was praying but people nearby heard him counting Mississippi.

I saw that the president of Egypt told Trump he has a unique personality. And Trump told him that he had nice shoes. Sounds less like two world leaders, more like a bad Tinder date.

Conan O'Brien

After Air Force One landed in Israel, Donald Trump reached for Melania's hand and she slapped it away. Yeah, there's video of it. She slaps it away. So, we've been wrong all this time. They apparently do have a normal marriage

It's the first time the first lady has smacked a president since every day of Bill Clinton's administration.

In both Israel and Saudi Arabia, many U.S. journalists are being barred from Trump press events because they're women.

As opposed to here in the U.S. where they're barred from Trump press events because they're journalists.

A company has released a GPS with President Trump's voice as a navigator. It doesn't guide you anywhere. It just keeps reminding you that he won the Electoral College.

The Late Late Show with James Corden

Donald Trump was away from the White House this weekend, so it was pretty much like every other weekend since he became the president.

But this time he was on his first international trip visiting several countries in the Middle East. His first stop was Saudi Arabia. Trump is visiting the Muslim nations as part of his "don't come to us, we'll come to you tour."

Trump spent over a year just trash-talking Muslims. Now he's going to go and visit them, which is a bit like when you bad-mouth your friend's ex and then they get back together.

Now, while in Israel, Trump visited a sacred historical site, the Western Wall. He wasn't praying at the wall, he was shopping. "This is beautiful stone, beautiful stone. How much does 2,000 miles of this wall cost?"

Sun, 05/28/2017

Joke Day: #3914

From: Coming Soon

Top of Page   Joke: 14

From: 05/23/17
(**Part 1**)

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Trump has a meeting with the Pope tomorrow at the Vatican. And you know he’s dreading that. It’s like getting called to the principal’s office. Only instead of detention you go to hell as a result.

Even though he’s thousands of miles away, the president released his budget today for the upcoming year, and it’s exactly what you would guess it would be. It cuts programs for the poor and the elderly to give tax breaks to the rich. It’s like Robin Hood if Prince John was the good guy, OK?

So this budget makes huge promises that it can’t possibly deliver. It could leave millions of Americans without necessary services like healthcare or even food. It’s basically the Fyre Festival of budgets.

But he did set $1.6 billion aside to build a wall. Maybe it will be like one of Trump’s buildings — Mexico will have nothing to do with it, but in the end they’ll throw their name on it in big gold letters.

Today, the former head of the CIA told investigators that the Russians “brazenly interfered” with our election and actively contacted members of the Trump administration. And according to The Washington Post, the president asked two top intelligence officials to publicly deny evidence of collusion, and also asked them to find ways to get FBI Director James Comey to drop his investigation. Just like an innocent person would do.

The president gets back home on Saturday after nine days abroad. Those nine days have been a big relief to the White House staff. Especially Sean Spicer. Let’s just say he had the first good week on the job in quite some time. The president gets back home on Saturday after nine days abroad. Those nine days have been a big relief to the White House staff. Especially Sean Spicer. Let’s just say he had the first good week on the job in quite some time.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

President Trump released a 2018 budget plan today titled “A New Foundation for American Greatness.” Boy, you can tell from that name that Trump loves this budget. When he doesn’t love something, he’ll give it a boring name like “Eric.”

President Trump will meet with Pope Francis tomorrow at the Vatican. “I can’t wait to ask him why he wears that ridiculous thing on his head,” said the Pope.

A man in Russia recently proposed to his girlfriend by hiding a ring inside his stomach wound and asking her to change the dressing. And this is exciting: She said “gross!”

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

This morning, the Trump administration unveiled their 2018 budget, titled “A New Foundation for American Greatness,” which is just slightly grandiose for a financial document. It’s like calling your grocery list “A Bold Vision for Yogurt and Dog Food.”

This budget cuts things like the food stamp program, SNAP, and the children’s health insurance program, CHIP. So he’s cutting SNAP and CHIP, to which America’s children replied “STOP” and “HELP.”

The whole thing is particularly cruel to one minority group: Trump’s voters. Because the president’s budget hits his own voters the hardest, taking aim at the social safety net on which many of them rely. It’s all there on Trump’s new hat, “Make the Poor Live on Squirrel Meat Again.”

The budget also calls for major cuts to the Centers for Disease Control. So whenever that thing inside Steve Bannon bursts out and goes airborne, we will not be prepared to handle it.

Today, President Trump arrived in Rome. He’s so excited to finally meet Jude Law. “You look much older in person. You need to moisturize.”

Mon, 05/29/2017

Joke Day: #3915

From: 05/23/17
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 15

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

President Trump is still on his big trip overseas. And I saw that he actually took over an entire hotel in Jerusalem. Mary and Joseph were like, “Seriously? You make room for THAT guy?”

Tomorrow, Trump will visit with the Pope. Trump said he’s really excited because he’s always wanted to meet Jude Law.

Meanwhile, Trump just released his new budget proposal. And Bernie Sanders said his cuts to Medicaid are “just cruel.” But Bernie will get his medicine the same way as always: finding an old pill in his suit pocket.

Yesterday, Education Secretary Betsy DeVos said that people who oppose school choice are “flat earthers.” She was like, “Which is ridiculous, because everyone knows the Earth is a cube.”

A new report found that legal marijuana brought in more money last year than Girl Scout cookies did. Though to be fair, Girl Scout cookies wouldn’t have made as much money if it weren’t for marijuana.

Conan O'Brien

Donald Trump’s budget director said people need to stop taking government money and get a job. He then loudly cleared his throat while glaring at Ivanka Trump.

Scientists have been able to create baby mice from freeze-dried mouse sperm that was kept on the International Space Station. When asked about it, the astronauts said, “Wait a minute, so that WASN’T ice cream?”

There’s another viral video of Melania Trump rejecting President Trump’s attempt to hold her hand. Now even Israelis and Palestinians are saying “Geez, work it out, you two.”

It’s come out that President Trump asked two intelligence chiefs to push back against the Russia probe. Trump also asked them to make Melania hold his freakin’ hand.

This week, a man wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat caused a disruption and was removed from an international flight. It’s the first time a sitting president has been kicked off Air Force One.

It’s been reported that O.J. Simpson could be released from prison this year. When he heard this, Donald Trump said, “Finally, someone to play golf with.”

The Late Late Show with James Corden

Donald Trump is out of the country, but his scandals aren’t. On Monday, it was revealed that Trump asked two intelligence chiefs to deny that his campaign had any ties to Russia. This is shocking. I’m not saying Trump is participating in a cover-up, but I’d say he is participating in some kind of weird comb-over.

He asked the director of intelligence and the head of the NSA to lie for him. What was he thinking? He does realize they’re intelligence chiefs, right? Intelligence. It’s right there in their titles. They’re not “born yesterday” chiefs.

This Russian investigation into Trump is like one of those Russian nesting dolls, except every time you open one, the doll inside is somehow bigger. And instead of it being a doll, it’s a horrible conspiracy concocted by Russian hackers to systematically erode America’s democratic freedoms.

Trump is going to visit the Pope tomorrow, and I bet they’ll get along because it looks like the president and Melania are living a life of celibacy.

A White House memo contained a typo that said Donald Trump wants to promote, quote, “lasting peach” between Israel and Palestine. I’m surprised they went with a peach. I always thought of Trump as more of an orange guy.

Tue, 05/30/2017

Joke Day: #3916

From: 05/24/17
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 16

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Today was a historic day, a holy day. His Holiness met His Bigliness at the Vatican today. President Trump happened to be in Italy so he stopped by to say hello to Pope Francis. It went well. There are no major incidents. Trump felt very at home at the Vatican. He said it reminded him of one of the bathrooms at his house.

The Pope made it clear he would like our president to join him in promoting peace, giving aid to the poor, and protecting our environment. The Pope is very persuasive. Unfortunately, Trump is only in year 70 of his 100-year deal with the devil right now. And he’s got a no-trade clause.

At the Vatican the leaders exchanged gifts. The Pope gave the president a collection of writings, as well as a medal depicting an olive branch, the symbol of peace. And President Trump gave the pontiff a “Make America Great Again” hat. And a box of Trump steaks.

So after their meeting, Trump said he would never forget what the Pope told him. Then he immediately forgot what the Pope told him.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

President Trump and Pope Francis today had a 30-minute long meeting in the Pope’s private study. We don’t know what they talked about, but since it was only 30 minutes, we can assume it wasn’t confession.

Pope Francis met with President Trump today at the Vatican. “Bless you, my child,” said the Pope to the driver that took Trump away.

More people attended Broadway shows this year than attended the events of all 10 local pro sports teams combined. This according to Bryce’s PowerPoint entitled “Why I Should Be Allowed to Do Plays, Dad.”

An Ohio man recently proposed to his girlfriend at the finish line of a marathon. And she can never find out that he really said, “Will you carry me?”

Wed, 05/31/2017

Joke Day: #3917

From: 05/24/17
(**Part 2*)

Top of Page   Joke: 17

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Today, President Trump had his first meeting with Pope Francis at the Vatican. Everyone in the U.S. was watching closely and looking for some white smoke to see if we have a new president.

That’s right, Trump met with the Pope. Though it got weird when Trump was like, “Jesus only had 12 followers? Sad. His tweets must’ve been terrible!”

After their meeting, the Pope gave Trump a medal featuring an olive branch. When Trump received it, he asked, “Does this mean I can eat for free at any Olive Garden? Or just here in Italy?”

Conan O'Brien

Today, President Trump was at the Vatican meeting with Pope Francis. The world leader who believes himself the embodiment of God on Earth said he’s a big fan of the Pope.

While he was there, President Trump gave Pope Francis several books written by Martin Luther King. Then Trump said, “In my opinion, King’s best books were ‘The Shining’ and ‘Pet Sematary.’”

During their meeting, the Pope gave President Trump a medal. Then Melania said, “Hey, if anyone deserves a medal here, it’s me!”

According to the Senate, President Trump’s budget is dead on arrival. In other words, Trump’s budget is covered by Trump’s healthcare plan.

Mon, 06/05/2017

Joke Day: #3918

From: 05/25/17
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 18

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

I've been paying such close attention to the travels of Donald Trump, it's almost like he took me on the trip with him.

This NATO summit was a chance for Trump to hobnob with a number of world leaders and flex his diplomatic muscles — sometimes literally. He kind of pushes his way past the prime minister of Montenegro, like a kid cutting the line for the ice cream truck.

President Trump addressed his fellow leaders today, he scolded them for not paying their fair share to support NATO and had one particularly harsh word for those who commit acts of terrorism. “All people who cherish life must unite in finding, exposing, and removing these killers and extremists. And yes, losers. They are losers.” That'll learn ’em. He's fighting terrorists the same way he fought Rosie O'Donnell. It doesn't work.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

The Republican congressional candidate for a special election in Montana yesterday reportedly body-slammed a journalist after he asked a question about the Republican healthcare plan. Now, to be fair, that basically is the Republican healthcare plan.

During a NATO meeting today, President Trump was seen pushing aside the prime minister of Montenegro so he could move to the front of the group. You're a world leader, a world leader at a meeting of dignitaries and you act like they just called your number at KFC.

Former President Obama reportedly received a rock star welcome at an event in Germany today, and President Trump was given a subway mariachi band welcome.

A new report recommends that couples who live together should do chores together. And for some couples, everything they do together is a chore.

Tue, 06/06/2017

Joke Day: #3919

From: 05/25/17
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 19

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Today, President Trump had lunch with French President Emmanuel Macron, who was just sworn in 11 days ago. Trump was like,“Well, 11 days, you must be on your, like, 50th scandal by now?”

Trump is in Belgium right now, which is six hours ahead of us. He kind of liked that because when he sends a crazy tweet at 3:00 a.m., it looks like a thoughtful post at 9:00 p.m.

Last night, a Republican congressional candidate named Greg Gianforte apparently body-slammed a reporter. Some Republicans are defending him, saying the body slam wasn't a big deal — which they might regret in three years when The Rock runs for president.

A college student in Florida is accused of breaking into a building and changing his grade from an “F” to a “B.” His parents were like, “Really, you can't even get an 'A' when you're cheating?”

Conan O'Brien

The FAA is investigating why a drone appeared in the sky during a San Diego Padres game. Authorities have already ruled out the possibility that someone actually wanted to watch a Padres game.

It's come out that the new Republican healthcare bill will hike premiums by 700 percent for the old and sick. It’s not a good sign that the title of the bill is “Walk It Off, Grandpa.”

A new poll reveals that only 1 in 4 Americans believes President Trump has actually “drained the swamp.” However, 3 out of 4 Americans believe Trump has “peed in the pool.”

Today, Mark Zuckerberg — who dropped out of Harvard University after his sophomore year — gave a commencement speech to Harvard’s graduating class. Zuckerberg began the speech with, “Hello, suckers.”

The Late Late Show with James Corden

Government officials confirmed this afternoon that a person of interest in the FBI's Russia investigation is Trump's son-in-law, Jared Kushner. This comes at a bad time, because the Trump administration has just released its budget. Now they must be like, “Oh, we forgot to set aside bail money.”

Meanwhile, Trump continues his trip in Europe. While visiting NATO headquarters today in Brussels, he was caught on camera rudely shoving another world leader out of the way. I mean, is he a president or a bridesmaid positioning to catch the bouquet.

Trump tossed that guy aside like one of his ex-wives.

A new study from Harvard says you can reduce the risk of a potentially fatal heart condition by eating six bars of chocolate a week. Yeah. It reduces the chance of a heart attack because once you give up being in shape, you have way less stress.

Wed, 06/07/2017

Joke Day: #3920

From: 05/30/17

Top of Page   Joke: 20

Jimmy Kimmel Live

We are back to work after a long weekend. It didn't feel like a long weekend. But technically it was. I hope you had a fine Memorial Day. I hope you took time to remember the men and women who risked and sacrificed their lives so the rest of us can eat yogurt out of a tube.

Memorial Day's become the unofficial start to summer. Summer doesn't technically start until next month. That didn't stop me from wearing a bikini all weekend.

There's a new report that says more than half of American workers didn't use all their vacation days last year. They had them, they just didn't take them. So the people who did the study asked why. Some said they did it to impress their boss with their work ethic. The rest said, I hate my family.

A Memorial Day video made it's rounds where you can see mysterious red lights flashing in or on the second floor window at the White House. This went on for about 20 minutes. And White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer said the red light was the reflection of an ambulance in Lafayette Park. So the one thing we know for sure is the red light was definitely not the reflection of an ambulance in Lafayette Park.

Maybe it was the alarm that goes off when President Trump tries to get into Melania's bedroom.

Thu, 06/08/2017

Joke Day: #3921

From: 06/01/17

Top of Page   Joke: 21

Jimmy Kimmel Live

President Trump rang in the 1st of June with a major announcement. No one loves to announce an announcement more than Donald Trump. On Twitter last night, he wrote, "I will be announcing my decision on Paris accord Thursday at 3:00 P.M., the White House Rose Garden, make America great again." It made sense that he did it from the Rose Garden. While we still have roses and gardens.

This deal that Trump backed out of, this is a deal that was signed by 194 other countries. The only two countries who are not part of the Paris accord, besides us, are Nicaragua and Syria. And they're doing great. I guess it's not a surprise, the fact that he pulled out. The president has been very big on pulling out ever since he had Donald Jr.

Meanwhile, I'm sure you know about covfefe at this point, right? So just after midnight yesterday the president wrote, "Despite the constant negative press covfefe." And that was it. And with that puzzling half-sentence, for a brief shining moment, Donald Trump made Twitter great again.

Twitter went absolutely berserk. Not since Phil Collins gave us the word "Susudio" has a nation been so utterly fascinated and perplexed. You know a typo is bad when even Melania is like, 'I'm pretty sure that's not English, Donald.' Even after Trump deleted the tweet, which he almost never does, Sean Spicer claimed it was intentional. He said it wasn't a typo or a stroke.

Fri, 06/09/2017

Joke Day: #3922

From: 06/05/17
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 22

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Did you watch the game last night? Turned out to be not so great this year. The Warriors clobbered the Cavaliers again. Beat them by 19 points. They won the first game by 22 points. I’m hoping the next few games are closer. If I wanted to see a bunch of blowouts I’d watch Fox News, folks.

You know how the Trump administration kept insisting that his travel ban wasn’t a travel ban? Well, at 6:25 this morning the president weighed in on that himself. He wrote, “People, the lawyers and the courts can call it whatever they want but I am calling it what we need, and what it is, a TRAVEL BAN.”

It’s like the last five minutes of an episode of “Law & Order: SVU” where the murderer tells Mariska Hargitay everything: “It was a travel ban all along.”

This has to be maddening for White House “stress secretary” Sean Spicer. This is a guy, he specifically went out in front of the press and insisted that this was not a travel ban. And now Trump is in all-caps saying it is a travel ban.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

“Wonder Woman” made $100 million at the box office this weekend. Meanwhile, Wonder Man made $121 million for doing the same job.

A boy in Maryland this weekend was trapped in an arcade claw machine after climbing through the prize door. Luckily, rescuers were able to get him out after about 35 quarters.

Two Papa John’s employees in Washington State were arrested this week for allegedly delivering cocaine in pizza boxes. Authorities became suspicious when Papa John’s started getting five-star Yelp reviews that were 47 paragraphs long.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

The White House announced today that they’re kicking off “Infrastructure Week.” It’s like Shark Week, except American infrastructure might actually kill you.

It started with Trump’s plan to turn the air traffic control functions of the FAA into a nonprofit corporation. Although, to be fair, any company Trump runs is eventually nonprofit.

I know this happened five days ago, but I will not be denied the chance to enjoy Trump’s tweet from just after midnight last Wednesday: “Despite the constant negative press covfefe.” OK. Strong statement. Bold. Presidential. Reminds of the first draft of the Gettysburg address: “Four score and seven ratselttab.”

Of course, the internet lost their covfefe over this. Why did the president type that? It was the new “What color is the dress?” But instead of “white versus blue,” it was “sleepy versus stroke.”

Sat, 06/10/2017

Joke Day: #3923

From: 06/05/17
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 23

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Last week, President Trump announced the United States will withdraw from the Paris climate agreement. Trump said he wants the entire country to be the same temperature as a Florida golf course.

Hillary Clinton’s running mate, Tim Kaine, tweeted that Trump is pulling out of it because he’s jealous of Obama. Then Kaine waited for one of his 25 followers to retweet him.

But to show its commitment to honoring the agreement, New York City lit up its buildings in green. Though if we’re really worried about the environment — how about we DON’T light up each of our buildings all night?

“Wonder Woman” made over $100 million at the box office this weekend, and beat “Captain Underpants.” But I think Captain Underpants is in denial — he’s been handing out electoral maps to show the theaters where he won.

Walmart is offering a new service where employees will deliver items to your house on their way home from work. Not only that — they’ll also deliver the items in a Target bag so your neighbors think you’re classy.

Conan O'Brien

Today, 15 new features were revealed about the upcoming iPhone 8. The biggest new feature is the battery that only lasts until the announcement of the iPhone 9.

In Michigan, a Republican congressman said that God would “take care of” climate change. So now, a group of polar bears are on their way to “take care of” a Republican congressman in Michigan.

Several panelists on Fox News accused “Wonder Woman” of not being American enough because her costume isn’t red, white and blue. They’re also saying to really be American, it should be a double XL.

A new study claims that popular people may live longer than unpopular people. If that’s true, Shia LaBeouf died in 1982.

In protest of President Trump abandoning the Paris climate accord, the CEO of Disney has resigned from Trump’s business advisory council. It’s not a good sign when a company led by a giant talking mouse is telling the president to be more realistic.

The “Wonder Woman” movie shattered the glass ceiling, breaking $100 million in box office sales. In fact, the only way “Wonder Woman” could have done better is if she had campaigned in Wisconsin.

The Late Late Show with James Corden

A Texas man went on a date to see “Guardians of the Galaxy 2,” and is now suing his date for texting during the movie. He thinks he can sue her for texting. Who does this man think he is — the guardian of the Samsung Galaxy?

The man said texting during a movie is “one of my biggest pet peeves.” Now, pet peeves are not what lawsuits are for. You don’t sue someone because they say expresso instead of espresso.

It’s going to make it very hard for him on future dates. It’s going to be like, “So how did your last relationship end”? And he will be like, “On an episode of ‘Judge Judy.’”

At a Walmart in Minnesota, a customer had to tackle a confused deer after it wandered into the store. The deer is fine and was released back into the wild, which makes this the happiest possible ending to a story of a deer walking into one of America’s largest suppliers of hunting rifles.

Walmart is already trying to capitalize on this by changing their slogan to “Walmart: Where You Can Always Save a Buck.”

Sun, 06/11/2017

Joke Day: #3924

From: 06/06/17
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 24

Late Night With Seth Meyers

The Department of Justice charged a federal contractor named Reality Leigh Winner yesterday with leaking classified materials to the press about Russia's meddling in the election. This is a confusing story, so let me try to break it down: Reality Winner leaked information about a reality denier who tried to influence the election to support a reality host who is detached from reality.

Education Secretary Betsy DeVos said that while schools receiving federal funds must abide by federal civil rights laws, the department will not enter decrees on things like LGBT discrimination. Coincidentally, LGBT is also how Betsy DeVos thinks you spell discrimination.

According to reports, four top law firms have turned down requests from the White House to represent President Trump during the Russia investigation. Man, how guilty do have you to be when a lawyer won't even take your case?

Following salmonella outbreaks across the country, the Centers for Disease Control is urging chicken owners to stop snuggling with their birds. Though if you're snuggling with chickens, salmonella is, like, your fifth biggest problem.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

A top-secret NSA report detailed Russian hacking efforts days before the 2016 election. Days before? Come on, Guccifer. That's poor planning. You can't leave your hacking to the last minute. Put some thought into it. No one wants an election you just picked up at Walgreens.

After the hackers gained access to the company's accounts, they then sent "an email to trick local U.S. government employees into opening documents that were 'invisibly tainted with potent malware.'" OK, they sent it to the poll workers. This is how democracy ends, with a fake email sent to the ancient cat lady manning the polling station at your high school gym.

So who really knows who won November 8? I mean, other than Vladimir Putin. I’m a little rusty on my Constitution, but I guess that means ... new election? Sure, let’s have another one! Let’s just get the band back together. Somebody find Jeb and wake him up.

Now, all along, Donald Trump has said the entire Russia story is "fake news." And there is no way to know whether this document that was released was real ... other than the fact that the leaker was immediately arrested. "Fake news, real prison."

Mon, 06/12/2017

Joke Day: #3925

From: 06/06/17
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

A highly classified document was just leaked, and it suggests that Russia may have hacked into our voting systems before the election. You could tell the report was "highly classified" because it was marked, "Don’t Show Trump."

It turns out Russia actually hacked the company that makes our voting machines. Which explains why anyone who pressed on "Hillary Clinton" heard a voice go, "Try again."

The NSA contractor who leaked the document is a woman named Reality Winner. When he was asked if he had any contact with the leaker, Trump said, "Nope, I’m TOTALLY out of touch with Reality."

Trump’s been causing a lot of problems with the things he’s tweeted recently, but the White House says he isn’t concerned with being politically correct. Then they clarified their statement and said he isn't even concerned about being correct.

The game show “Cash Cab” is coming back to the Discovery Channel! It’s a show where the driver asks passengers questions from the second they get into the car until they reach their destination — or as it’s called now, “Uber.”

Conan O'Brien

There’s a proposed bill in New York that would allow medical marijuana to be prescribed for menstrual cramps. Which is why millions of men in New York are now saying "it is my time of the month."

Astronomers are saying that a mysterious signal from space was caused by gas surrounding a comet. Of course, the comet is claiming the gas came from its dog.

The owner of the world’s largest private collection of "Star Wars" memorabilia says someone stole $200,000 worth of his collectibles. On the plus side, the collector is reporting that his virginity is still in "mint condition."

After 14 years, the CEO of J. Crew is stepping down. He said he wants to take a Gap year.

A new study found that kids are bullying each other with Donald Trump’s words. The good news is, most kids outgrow Trump’s vocabulary by the time they’re 11.

A new report came out and it says that Donald Trump once shifted charitable donations for sick kids into his own business. Trump referred to the charity as the "Take a Wish Foundation."

The Late Late Show with James Corden

We are here in the beautiful historic Central Hall Westminster. There is so much amazing history in this building. Gandhi spoke here, Martin Luther King, Jr. gave a speech here, and Winston Churchill spoke in this very hall. And despite all that, they still allowed me to do a show here.

It's nice to be here in England. After two and a half years of presidential campaigning in America, I was, like, "Where can I go for another bitter, soul-sucking election?"

Yes, there's a big election coming up this week in the U.K. Actually, this venue is going to be a polling station. Raise your hand if you didn't even know there was going to be a show here tonight, you were just trying to beat the lines.

We talk about Donald Trump almost every night on this show, but I thought when I came here to London I'd finally get away from him for a little while. And then I get here, and who does he start a fight with? The mayor of London! While I'm in the city! He's following me!