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Joke of the Day

Day # Range: 3876 - 3900

Date Range: 04/05/17 ~ 05/09/17

Sun, 04/16/2017

Joke Day: #3876

From: 04/05/17
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 01

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

President Trump’s approval rating dropped and is now at just 35 percent. Or as Trump calls it, “20 under par. I’m doing FANTASTIC!”

I read that Trump’s photographer always brings a stool to events, and photographs Trump from above so he looks taller. While Trump has him shoot his approval ratings from BELOW, so they look HIGHER.

Pepsi is facing criticism for a controversial new ad that shows a bunch of people protesting, and then Kendall Jenner steps in and solves everyone’s problems by handing the police officer a Pepsi. And even in the commercial, the cop’s like, “Are you all out of Coke?”

Apparently Barry Manilow announced today that he is gay. Also scientific research found that the sky is blue. And sugar is sweet. Lots of interesting stuff happening today in the news.

Today, North Korea conducted a missile test, which escalated tensions in the region. But don’t worry — things settled down when Kendall Jenner stepped in and handed them a Pepsi.

The Late Late Show with James Corden

Donald Trump has removed his good buddy and chief strategist Steve Bannon from the National Security Council. This is quite a humiliating move that has very much left Steve Bannon red-faced, although that is his complexion anyway.

In a statement to The Wall Street Journal, Bannon said leaving the Security Council was always his plan. Really? It sounds like this administration’s entire strategy has been failing and then acting like they meant to do that. They’re like, “Yeah, our healthcare bill failed. It’s exactly what we planned.”

During an interview with Forbes published yesterday, Trump’s son, Eric Trump, said he might be where he is because of nepotism but that is just a “factor of life.” Wow, Eric sounds pretty smug. But then again he inherited that from his father too.

Also, “factor of life” is not a thing people say, is it? I think what he meant to say is it’s a FACT of life — or he meant to say “I’m not the smart son, please stop asking me questions.”

The shoe store Payless is filing for bankruptcy and closing nearly 400 stores in the United States. Yes, 400 shoe stores closed, but thousands of soles lost. The problem was their work ethic. Most of Payless was just a bunch of loafers.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Donald Trump’s positive performance mark is now down to 35 percent. Only about a third of Americans polled say they’re happy with his job performance. Sixty-six percent say they don’t think he’s level-headed. In his defense, how is his head supposed to stay level when his hair keeps trying to chase every squirrel?

It’s not just the poll, even ISIS is piling on. A spokesman for ISIS released a statement yesterday saying America is drowning, we’re bankrupt, and we’re being run by an idiot. You hate to agree with anything ISIS says. But I don’t know, maybe we are being run by an idiot, maybe we are drowning and bankrupt. But I want to be very clear: If we are those things, you guys in ISIS had nothing to do with that. We chose this bankrupt idiot to drown us ourselves.

You might not have been aware but Monday was Send Your Son-in-Law to Iraq Day. President Trump sent his daughter’s husband, Jared Kushner, to Baghdad to meet with the Iraqi prime minister and the chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. The military posted a bunch of photographs of Jared’s spring break. I found them on Flickr last night.

I will assume that by now you’ve seen or at least heard about that Pepsi commercial with Kendall Jenner. It’s absolutely nuts. Pepsi was trending on Twitter last night. I was like, oh my God, Pepsi died. Turned out I was right, it did.

This commercial, it’s quite a concept. Basically Kendall Jenner is posing for a photo shoot, then a protest march happens by — a hip-looking protest march — and ultimately she joins in and brings everyone together. She ends racism by handing a Pepsi to a police officer. And then everyone dances away. It is so ill-advised. I’ve watched it 27 times now. I still can’t figure out what the protesters are supposed to be protesting.

Today Pepsi pulled the ad and apologized. They apologized to Kendall Jenner. “Sorry we paid you $3 million to be in the worst commercial ever, Kendall Jenner.” Everyone was so mad. The only people who weren’t mad? The people at Coke weren’t mad, they loved it.

Mon, 04/17/2017

Joke Day: #3877

From: 04/06/17

Top of Page   Joke: 02

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

At the Academy of Country Music Awards, Willie Nelson announced he was writing his memoirs. He said in his memoirs, he will explain how marijuana has affected his life. Here’s how it affected his life: He started writing his memoir in 1946.

According to the National Enquirer, Kanye West and Kim Kardashian are headed for divorce. I don’t believe it. I don’t think he would ever leave her behind.

Quarterback Colin Kaepernick has done a complete 180. He now says he WILL stand for the national anthem. He’s now sitting for the games, but he’s standing for the anthem.

Caitlyn Jenner told Diane Sawyer she is writing her autobiography. I think that’s going to be one of those “he said, she said” deals.

Donald Trump says he is skipping the White House Correspondents Dinner. Of course, New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie furious. Christie, as you know, has never skipped a dinner in his life.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

President Trump today met with the president of China at his Mar-a-Lago resort. And things got off to an awkward start when Trump said, “I thought you were really funny in the ‘Hangover’ movies.”

A New Jersey man recently admitted to stealing $20,000 worth of ginger ale from a grocery store. He said he wasn’t planning on stealing so much, he just got Schwepped up in it.

A new study found that plastic surgeons make an average of $354,000 per year. “I am shocked,” said one woman’s face but not her mouth.

A so-called Museum of Failure is opening in Sweden this June. Though, if you can’t wait that long, [shows photo of White House] check out the pop-up exhibit in Washington.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

Nunes is stepping aside because the House Ethics Committee is determined to investigate allegations that Nunes may have made unauthorized disclosures of classified information. “Good news, Congressman Nunes! We found the leaker! He’s in your mirror.”

The fight continues over the confirmation of Supreme Court nominee Neil Gorsuch. And today, in the Senate, was a battle royal with cheese, because the Democrats took a stand. Democrats successfully filibustered President Trump’s Supreme Court nominee, Neil Gorsuch. Woo-hoo! They did it! Yeah! They did it! Democrats won! For about an hour.

The rule change was getting rid of the filibuster, a last resort commonly known as the “nuclear option.” And it’s called the “nuclear option” because they need some part of it to sound exciting.

Donald Trump made an extraordinary claim to The New York Times about a Democratic congressman: “Elijah Cummings was in my office, and he said, ‘You will go down as one of the great presidents in the history of our country.’” Really? I get the “you will go down” part, but, after that, you kind of lost me.

Tue, 04/18/2017

Joke Day: #3878

From: 04/10/17

Top of Page   Joke: 03

Conan O'Brien

Former NFL player Titus Young was sentenced to four years in prison. Young said he’s sad to go to prison but happy to be reunited with his old teammates.

A Turkish Airline crew helped deliver a baby onboard a flight. And then in keeping with the times, the baby was dragged from the plane by security.

A package of salad mix that was sold in a Florida Walmart was found to contain a dead bat. This is shocking news - someone shopping at Walmart bought a salad.

Fox News said it will investigate multiple accusations against Bill O'Reilly for sexually harassing female co-workers. Apparently, for years O’Reilly has been telling female co-workers their breasts are "fair and balanced."

Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino from "Jersey Shore" is facing up to 15 years in prison on tax evasion charges. So basically, if you’re a reality star in this country and you don’t pay your taxes, we either put you in prison or make you President of the United States.

Wed, 04/19/2017

Joke Day: #3879

From: 04/11/17

Top of Page   Joke: 04

Conan O'Brien

Secretary of State Rex Tillerson is in Russia, but Russian President Vladimir Putin won’t meet with him. Putin said, "Sorry but I only meet with members of the Trump administration before the election."

Today is the beginning of the Jewish holiday of Passover, where families gather for a meal and recall a story of ancient grievances. Or as that’s known in my family, "Thanksgiving."

This week, Jewish people all over the world are celebrating Passover. Or as I call it, the Festival of Missing Writers.

Because of the scandals, "The O'Reilly Factor" has lost 2/3 of its advertisers in one week. On the bright side, United Airlines is still with him!

This weekend, Bill Clinton tweeted that he was in Houston visiting Former President George H.W. Bush. However, he ended the tweet with #Alibi.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

That video of the doctor being dragged off the plane and then the airline's response to I it has turned into an absolute nightmare from a PR standpoint. Even Pepsi was like, I wouldn't want to be you guys this week.

Meanwhile, President Trump has been flying a lot lately, privately, of course. Donald Trump is on pace to spend more on travel in his first year as president than president Obama spent all eight years in office combined. The president's trips to Florida every weekend have already cost more than $20 million of taxpayer money. See, this is the guy we need United to drag off the plane.

Trump has also played 16 rounds of golf in his first 80 days, one round every five days. You turn on the TV, a lot of people are complaining Donald Trump's off playing golf instead of working. I don't understand that. I want him off playing golf instead of working. I'd like him to join the senior PGA tour.

During his daily briefing sporty spice, as he is known, made an absolutely incredible statement about Syrian President Assad, that if it wasn't so disturbing, would have been Hit-larious. He said, even someone as despicable as Hitler didn't sink to using chemical weapons, which of course is very wrong. Sean Spicer might be the only press secretary who needs a press secretary.

Thu, 04/20/2017

Joke Day: #3880

From: 04/12/17

Top of Page   Joke: 05

Conan O'Brien

This weekend is Easter, where Christians celebrate the return of Jesus. Unfortunately, this year Jesus can’t return because he’s Middle Eastern and been detained at the airport.

Because of the sexual allegations against him, it’s rumored that Bill O’Reilly’s show may be going off the air. For continuity’s sake, Fox will replace it with reruns of "The Cosby Show."

After being accused of sexual harassment by five women, Bill O’Reilly announced he is taking a vacation. And if there’s any justice in the world he’ll be flying United.

White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer has apologized for his Hitler comments and admitted he "screwed up." I don’t think Spicer learned his lesson though, because he then said, "Even Hitler didn’t screw up as badly as I did."

They’re having trouble organizing Easter at the White House this year. Instead of an A-list musician, there will be a military band. And instead of eggs, there’s going to be golf balls and instead of children there will be old white guys.

A new article says that Donald Trump has changed the definition of the word "conservative." It used to mean "traditional" and "right leaning" - now it means "batshit crazy."

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Donald Trump will be running the White House Easter egg roll this year. Every year at the White House they have an egg roll. Which I think President Trump assumed was a menu item at P.F. Chang's.

Even though this is an annual tradition, it's been going on for 138 years, they're having trouble getting it together this year. The White House apparently hasn't sent out invitations yet. And they neglected to order the eggs. Every year they give kids wooden eggs as souvenirs of the Easter egg roll. This year the company that mills the eggs had to tweet a reminder to the president and first lady, "fiy, manufacturing deadlines for the Easter eggs are near, please reach out."

This may seem a little desperate but this is a company whose business is making wooden eggs. They miss Easter, they're screwed, that's it, nobody wants an egg on Flag Day.

White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer tried to down play the issues at his press briefing this afternoon. He did it an interesting way. He invited a group of children into the room and told them the egg roll doesn't matter because there's no such thing as the Easter bunny anyway.

Before he was press secretary, Sean Spicer actually played the Easter bunny at the egg roll during the Bush administration. Which means this week, for the first time maybe in history, we got to see the Easter bunny apologize for comments about the Holocaust.

Congratulations to the first lady, Melania Trump, who just got a nice payout from a British tabloid newspaper, The Daily Mail. According to CNN, Melania received $2.9 million in damages, which she's using to build an escape tunnel back to Slovenia.

Fri, 04/21/2017

Joke Day: #3881

From: 04/17/17
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 06

The Late Late Show with James Corden

This morning was the annual White House Easter Egg Roll. There was an appearance by that very special visitor, someone who only shows up to the White House once a year — Melania Trump.

It was good that Melania was there. She had to remind Trump to put his hand over his heart during the National Anthem [plays clip showing Melania elbowing Trump]. Keep in mind, she’s the immigrant from Slovenia, he was born here. He should know what to do during the National Anthem. I mean, that’s what my wife does to me to get me to stop talking.

But it was a great time, and apparently the Easter egg hunt is still going on. Because Trump hides those Easter eggs as well as he hides his tax returns.

Things still aren’t looking good for United Airlines. Last week there was a huge story where they assaulted a man by pulling him off a flight. Well, Saturday, United kicked an engaged couple who were on the way to their wedding off of a plane for changing seats. Because you know after their last PR debacle United decided, “We’re not going to pull one more person off a flight — we’re going to pull two.”

On a bittersweet note, the world’s oldest person has died in Italy at the age of 117. It’s tragic — she died in a knife fight with the world’s second-oldest person. I’m kidding! Do you know how she died? Bungee-jumping.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

This is Trump’s first Easter Egg Roll. The president and the first lady kicked things off with the National Anthem, and notice what she has to do in the middle of it [clip of Melania nudging Trump].”Put your hand up! Do it, you’re the president!” He forget to put his hand over his heart, it happens to everybody. I mean, when I saw that footage, I almost forgot to put my hand over my face.

And yet, not the most embarrassing thing to happen at the Easter Egg Roll. That honor goes to the official White House Snapchat account, which sent out a snap featuring a bunch of kids gathered around “Secretary of ‘Educatuon’ Betsy DeVos.” It’s like Betsy DeVos always says, “There’s no ‘I’ in ‘education’ . . . the way I spell it.”

Trump also weighed in on tomorrow’s special election in Georgia, saying, “The super liberal Democrat in the Georgia congressioal race tomorrow wants to protect criminals, allow illegal immigration and raise taxes!” That’s right, “congressioal.” Someone’s being tutored by Betsy DeVos.

Sat, 04/22/2017

Joke Day: #3882

From: 04/17/17
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 07

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

You know what everyone’s talking about? The White House Easter Egg Roll. It was really cute. They had a miniature podium where kids could pretend to be Trump’s press secretary. The winner got some candy, while the loser got the job.

Trump really had fun with it, though. Every time a kid went for an Easter egg, he’d hit it with a nine-iron. [mimes golf swing] “Losers! Too bad, you lost!”

The latest “Fast and the Furious” movie, “The Fate of the Furious,” had one of the biggest Easter box office openings of all time. Even Jesus was like, “Those guys came back AGAIN? I mean, even I stopped at one sequel!”

A new poll finds that more than half of American adults say they’ve smoked marijuana. While the other half said, “Wait ... what was the question?”

Conan O'Brien

According to a new survey, 44 percent of people would rather take a longer flight that costs more than fly United Airlines. When they heard this, American Airlines said, “Done and done.”

It’s come out that a Navy SEAL has been moonlighting for seven years as a porn star. Even more surprising: It turns out that the guy who killed Osama bin Laden was Ron Jeremy.

Today at the White House Easter festivities, Melania Trump kicked things off by blowing a whistle. Then again, most women standing near Donald Trump end up having to blow a whistle.

At today’s Easter Egg Roll, White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer read a book to children. Afterwards, all the kids had the same question: “Who’s Hitler?”

Scientists have begun testing the possibility of using sperm to deliver life-saving drugs to specific parts of the female body. But first, they’re going to have guys test this out as a pick-up line.

Scientists are now claiming that every hour spent running increases your lifespan by seven hours. In other words, a majority of Americans died three years ago.

A couple from Florida just set a record by taking their 200th Carnival Cruise. The couple said, “What can we say, we love diarrhea.”

Sun, 04/23/2017

Joke Day: #3883

From: 04/18/17
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 08

The Late Late Show with James Corden

Big news from my home country, Great Britain: The prime minister, Theresa May, surprised everyone by calling for an early election on June 8, even though it wasn’t supposed to happen until 2020. She’s fed up with all the political fighting, so she’s asking for another election right away. To which Americans replied, “Wait, we can do that?”

Having the election on June 8 means there’s only seven weeks of campaigning. That might seem crazy here in America, where you campaign for, um, a decade. But believe me, seven weeks is more than enough time to hate all the candidates.

A man was arrested at the Coachella music festival over the weekend after it was discovered he’d stolen over 100 smartphones. Listen, you’re not going to get away with stealing phones at Coachella. Coachella is basically a selfie festival that happens to have music.

A high school boy in Georgia got the local police to help him stage a drug bust in order to ask a girl to prom. The cops questioned both of them about a fake bag of marijuana, then eventually gave the girl a note with a request to go to prom. Look, this is a family show, and I would never usually say this, but (bleep) this kid. I mean, seriously. Who does he think he is? What did he do, call 911? “911, what is your emergency?” “Well, there’s this girl, Katie...” “We’ll be there!”

In my day, school dances were very simple affairs. Everyone said no, and I stayed home.

The police say they loved helping the two with the prom-posal, and look forward to seeing them together on prom night when they arrest them for underage drinking.

This is the sign that the boy gave her: “Say yes or you’re under arrest.” The scary part? That’s also Donald Trump’s campaign slogan for 2020.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Tax Day normally falls on April 15 traditionally, but they moved it this year because the 15th was a Saturday, and I think it’s illegal to make people do math on Saturdays.

It’s weird that the government more or less just trusts us to tell them how much we owe them. A restaurant wouldn’t do that.

I used to do my own taxes. For years, I would save all the receipts, log all my miles on my car. Every time I bought something I’d figure out some angle. “Oh, this hamster cage is clearly a business expense, I might try to write a movie about hamsters or something.”

Then I hired an accountant, which is counterintuitive because all throughout school, you’re not allowed to pay a nerd to do your homework for you. Then you become an adult and that’s exactly what you do.

Accountants must hate us and the month of April so much. I bet there’s a party going on at H&R Block right now like you would not believe.

President Trump is refusing to release his tax returns for 2016. It’s become kind of a tradition for him now, to not release them. I think I’ve figured out why the president doesn’t want us to see his tax returns, why he’s keeping them secure: He’s planning a party for us and he wants them to be a surprise. He’s going to put them all in a piñata and give us each a stick.

Our relationship with North Korea is especially tense right now. And one way or another, Donald Trump is going to do something about that [plays clip of Trump saying Bill Clinton and Obama “have all been outplayed by this gentleman”] — just as soon as he figures out that Kim Jong Un and his father, Kim Jong Il, are two different people.

Does Trump really not know that when Bill Clinton was president, Kim Jong Un was 16 years old? This is crazy! There’s a 50-50 chance we might accidentally bomb South Korea if we’re not careful.

To be fair, there are a lot of Kims out there. As a service to our president I thought we’d make it clear [shows photos]: This is Kim Jong Il. He is very dead. This is Kim Jong Un. He is still alive. And this is Lil Kim. She has nothing to do with any of it, leave her alone.

The Trump administration has decided that, unlike the Obama administration, they will not release the White House visitor logs. It will no longer be a matter of public record. Which I’m sure is fine. It’s like when your teenage son borrows your laptop, when you get it back he cleared the browser history. Not suspicious at all.

Mon, 04/24/2017

Joke Day: #3884

From: 04/18/17
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 09

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Today was the deadline to file your taxes. I guess Trump got some good news this year. He got to write off the first 100 days of his presidency as a total loss. Good for him.

JetBlue is holding a sweepstakes where if you owe money to the IRS, you can enter to win a free flight. And get this, United’s offering just to drag the tax collector out of your home.

Trump just gave an interview where he appeared to confuse Kim Jong Un with his father, Kim Jong Il. It got worse when Trump was like, “Which one’s married to Kanye?”

There’s a lot of politicians on Instagram, they’re always posting photos. One thing I’ve noticed is that sometimes they’ll write the exact same caption as someone else, but the picture they post will be completely different. Let me show you an example from Bernie Sanders and Betsy DeVos. They both wrote, “This is bananas.” Bernie Sanders posted a picture of Neil Gorsuch being appointed to the Supreme Court. And Betsy DeVos posted a picture of oranges.

Conan O'Brien

Today is Tax Day. It’s the day that all Americans but one release their tax records.

President Trump has begun hiring more people from President George W. Bush’s administration. Trump specifically asked for the Iraq guy and the Katrina guy. “I want those guys, they’re the best.”

Several days ago, President Trump said an American aircraft carrier was heading towards North Korea, but it turns out it was sailing in the opposite direction. It’s the aircraft carrier the U.S.S. Metaphor.

A Republican lawmaker who was criticized about his vote against internet privacy said nobody’s got to use the internet. Then someone told him that’s where porn was. And he said, “I have been a fool. I apologize.”

In New York, a Southwest Airlines pilot was arrested for having a loaded gun hidden in his carry-on bag. The pilot was fired from Southwest and immediately hired by United, so we’re all set now.

Researchers are now using the video game “Grand Theft Auto” to teach self-driving cars how to drive. That’s true. In fact, two Google cars were just arrested for beating up a hooker.

Tue, 04/25/2017

Joke Day: #3885

From: 04/19/17
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 10

The Late Late Show with James Corden

One person who hasn’t had a great day is Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly, who has been fired from the network after years of multimillion-dollar sexual harassment suits. I mean Fox News had no choice. They have a very strict “28 strikes and you’re out” policy.

This is a lesson for all of us: If you behave like an animal who sexually harasses women, you can’t host a talk show. You can be president, but you can’t host a talk show.

In addition to being cable’s top rated host, O’Reilly has written a number of best-selling books including “Killing Lincoln,” “Killing Reagan,” and “Killing Kennedy.” And I really look forward to his next book, “Killing Time at Home.”

A packet of McDonald’s discontinued Szechuan sauce from 1998 just sold on eBay for nearly $15,000. This has created such a buzz, the bidding got so high, that McDonald’s is thinking of bringing the Szechuan sauce back. To which the guy who just spent 15 grand said “Wait, you’re going to what now?”

The nation’s first drive-through marijuana dispensary is opening tomorrow in Colorado. Also, down the street will be the world’s most successful DUI checkpoint.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

At the White House today, President Trump hosted the Super Bowl champion, the New England Patriots. You know, they were lucky to catch the president. It’s Wednesday — usually he’s on his way to the Mar-a-Lago for the weekend.

Several players chose to skip the White House field trip. Quarterback Tom Brady said he had “personal family matters” to deal with, which means he stayed home to watch “Family Matters.”

Trump set a record for the most money raised for an inauguration. He raised $107 million, more than double what Obama raised for his first inauguration. 107 is a lot of million dollars. It makes you wonder, thought, why could they only book 3 Doors Down? With that kind of money you could afford so many more doors down.

He raised the money through donations from companies and wealthy individuals, including $5 million from billionaire Sheldon Adelson, $4 million from someone who just goes by initials — this is interesting: KGB. I don’t know who it is. It could be anyone.

$107 million seems like a lot to spend on an inauguration, but when you go through the expenses, it makes sense. Here’s how it breaks down according to the White House: Microphone, $225. Podium, $650. $750,000 for all the limos and the security. Mini Bible to make Trump’s hands look big, $57. The helicopter to get rid of the Obamas, $257,000. $15,000 for Melania’s dress. $2,700 for her gloves. 20 million Slovenian euros for Melania herself. And they paid the piano guys with lunch, just a few dollars there. Trump’s appearance fee, $85 million for him to speak, for a total of $107 million.

At the site where the North Koreans are expected to test a nuclear missile, according to new images from our satellites, soldiers on the ground, instead of working frantically to get the test together, were seen playing volleyball. Which can only mean North Korea is planning to attack us with a volleybomb. And only Tom Brady can save us, and where is he?

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

Bill O’Reilly has been fired by Fox News. It’s not that big of a surprise. We all saw this coming at us, you know, like an old man cornering an intern in the break room.

Fox issued an official statement this afternoon on O’Reilly’s dismissal. I think they just took the Roger Ailes statement and just changed the nouns.

They celebrated O’Reilly’s career, saying, “By ratings standards, Bill O’Reilly is one of the most accomplished TV personalities in the history of cable news.” By rating stands he is. By moral standards, he was a self-righteous landfill of angry garbage.

Huge election last night in Georgia’s 6th District. It was an unusual election. It was what’s called a “jungle primary,” because like every election this year, it will probably end in madness and cannibalism.

Sure enough, Ossoff only got 48.1 percent of the vote. If he had gotten over 50 percent of the vote, he would have won outright, but he got less than the majority, so now I think he gets to be president of the United States. Is that how it works?

Wed, 04/26/2017

Joke Day: #3886

From: 04/19/17
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 11

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Fox News announced that Bill O’Reilly has been fired, after his sexual harassment scandal. Experts say it is not likely that any self-respecting network will ever hire him — then CNN said, “Welcome aboard!”

I saw that earlier today, O’Reilly actually met with Pope Francis at the Vatican. And when he saw O’Reilly go into confession, the next guy in line said, “You know what? I’ll come back tomorrow.”

President Trump gave a speech in Wisconsin yesterday — he actually spoke in front of a giant flag made out of wrenches. When he heard he’d be speaking in front of a bunch of tools, he said, “My Cabinet’s gonna be there?”

Congrats to Serena Williams! She just announced that she’s expecting a baby, which means she won the Australian Open while she was pregnant. Then the baby said, “So, do I get a doubles trophy?”

I read that after the success of their in-store cafes, Ikea might open its own restaurants. Which is great, until you have to assemble your own table.

Conan O'Brien

A recent security purge by Facebook has unintentionally gotten rid of millions of “likes.” Just think... all those wasted hours, wasted.

A new report says the U.S. border wall could cost three times as much as previously estimated. However, Trump says he’ll keep costs down with his secret business trick called “not paying for stuff.”

Bill O’Reilly has been fired from Fox News after being accused of sexually harassing up to 12 women. Apparently O’Reilly violated Fox News’s strict 11-woman limit.

Fox News fired Bill O’Reilly. The head of Fox News said, “There’s only one place for an angry old guy that demeans women, and that’s the White House.”

Bill O’Reilly is vacationing in Italy, and yesterday he was spotted at the Vatican, shaking hands with Pope Francis. Man, O’Reilly really will hit on anything in a dress.

An archaeologist is claiming he’s discovered an amazing lost city in Kansas. Then he realized he just got drunk and watched “The Wizard of Oz.”

Thu, 04/27/2017

Joke Day: #3887

From: 04/20/17

Top of Page   Joke: 12

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

In honor of 4/20, Ben and Jerry's introduced a new menu item that's an ice cream waffle cone taco with fudge called a "Choloco." Or as stoners put it, "You had us at ice cream . . . And then you had us at waffle and then cone and then taco!"

Legal marijuana in South Dakota could help boost funding for teachers. And teachers said, "Well, screw the money. Just give us the weed."

Last night, Sarah Palin, Ted Nugent, and Kid Rock met with Trump in the Oval Office — or as they're more commonly known, "The redneck Holy Trinity."

The New England Patriots visited the White House, and Patriots star Rob Gronkowski interrupted Sean Spicer's White House press briefing and asked if he needed help. Reporters all laughed while Sean Spicer whispered, "Yes."

Chelsea Clinton recently said that when her mom traveled, she would leave a note for her every day that she was gone. Though every day the note just read, "Keep an eye on your father."

Conan O'Brien

After allegedly sexually harassing his fellow employees, Bill O’Reilly is leaving Fox News with a severance worth $25 million. So with that in mind, I’d just like to say to Andy, "Nice rack."

Sarah Palin visited the White House last night along with Ted Nugent and Kid Rock. All three expressed their regrets that Honey Boo Boo couldn't make it.

Last night, Donald Trump hosted a dinner at the White House that was attended by Sarah Palin, Ted Nugent, and Kid Rock. The dinner was interrupted when an episode of "Cops" broke out.

Today is 4/20. 4/20 is that special day of the year when everyone who smokes pot continues to smoke pot.

Today, North Korean leader Kim Jong-un warned that he might unleash a “super mighty preemptive strike.” When she heard, Mrs. Kim Jong-un rolled her eyes and said, "Trust me, I wouldn’t worry about it."

Scientists have developed a new kind of robot that is able to shoot a gun. In fact, earlier today, I was carjacked by my Roomba.

Major League Baseball is planning to have a "Game of Thrones" theme night at stadiums across the country. Instead of bobbleheads, fans will receive actual severed heads.

A man is suing Grindr because over 1,000 men showed up at his place of business demanding sex. Though in fairness, the man does work at "Al’s House of Crullers and Anonymous Gay Sex."

Jimmy Kimmel Live

In case you either don't know or are too high to remember, it’s 4/20. I don't know if this is a thing for the whole country, but it's a big deal around these parts. The whole state smells like it ran over a skunk the size of Godzilla.

People really get into the spirit here. Here's the thing: The truth is, if you're celebrating 4/20 today, chances are you were celebrating it yesterday. And the day before that too.

Between Easter and 4/20, this has been a huge week for eating candy and rolling stuff.

Marijuana is legal here in California by state law. But it's still technically illegal, according to federal law. So the LAPD, the police, can't arrest you for having pot but an FBI agent can. It's confusing, right? Now imagine trying to understand that while you're high.

In other smoking-related news, the mayor of New York yesterday proposed a new bill that would raise the price of cigarettes to what would be the highest in the country. If the bill passes, a pack of cigarettes would cost $13 in New York. The only place where cigarettes would cost more is prison.

Mayor Bill de Blasio says that when it comes to the health of New Yorkers, big tobacco is enemy No. 1. Enemy No. 2 is pizza.

Time magazine today released its annual list of the “100 Most-Influential People in the World.” Making the list this year, Vladimir Putin, Kim Jong Un, Pope Francis, James Comey, and of course, Donald Trump. Hillary Clinton did not make the list. Which is really crazy. Hillary Clinton influenced a whole half of a country to vote for Donald Trump for president. You'd think that would be worth something.

Paul Ryan, speaker of the House, wrote the profile of Donald Trump. That's what they do, have famous people write the profile of other famous people. He said Trump always finds a way to get it done. He does? Other than his hair, what did he get done? Can't even get his wife to move in with him.

Last night, President Trump had a very important meeting in the Oval Office with Ted Nugent and Kid Rock. How the hell did they get into the White House? Kid Rock is not even allowed in a Waffle House.

Sun, 04/30/2017

Joke Day: #3888

From: 04/24/17
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 13

Late Night With Seth Meyers

In a new interview, President Trump said he is “mostly there” on fulfilling the promises of his first 100 days. Said Trump, “Look, at this point, I’ve already accomplished 95 days.”

This week is National Volunteer Week. Said President Trump, “So ... anybody wanna be president?”

A restaurant opened in London today specializing in airline-style food. And if you like your steak a little bloody, order it “United.”

A New Jersey restaurant has begun selling a massive taco-covered pizza for $75. “Seems a little steep,” said a customer who was looking at the three steps in front of the restaurant.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

It’s a huge week for Donald Trump. On Saturday, he will reach 100 days in office. Boy, it sure seems longer.

Friday is Day 99 of the Trump administration, and we may have a government shutdown if Congress does not pass a budget. Trump is so desperate to have something to show for his first 100 days that he just threw in funding for the border wall, which may kill the bill and make the U.S. financially insolvent. So, Trump really is running the country like one of his businesses.

Nothing matters to Donald Trump more than ratings. When Trump was asked if he planned to fire embattled press secretary Sean Spicer, he said, “I’m not firing Sean Spicer, that guy gets great ratings. Everyone tunes in.” It’s true. You can’t tear your eyes away from Sean Spicer — it’s like watching a car crash that knows nothing about the Holocaust.

Mon, 05/01/2017

Joke Day: #3889

From: 04/24/17
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 14

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

This weekend was the big march for science. And there were a lot of animal rights activists protesting Trump’s policies on endangered species. Trump was like, “I love endangered species. That’s why I refuse to drink the new unicorn Frappuccino at Starbucks.”

Environmental activists say that Trump’s border wall would disrupt the migration of hundreds of species. Animals were like, “No problem. We’ll just tunnel under it like everyone else.”

Bill Nye the science guy spoke at the march in D.C., and said that the founding fathers promoted science in Article 1 of the Constitution. Trump was like, “Eh, I don’t read it for the articles.”

Trump says now the wall will cost less than $10 billion, but it could be more if he makes it “super-duper.” And taxpayers said, “Wait a second. You never said it could be super-duper.”

On Saturday, Kenny G gave a surprise performance on a Delta flight. Or as United put it, “Touché.”

Conan O'Brien

This Thursday, President Trump will be having dinner with the members of the Supreme Court. However, Mike Pence cannot attend because his wife won’t let him dine with that temptress Ruth Bader Ginsburg.

Today, President Trump held separate phone conversations with the president of China and the prime minister of Japan. Trump was shocked to learn that those are two different people.

Saturday marks President Trump’s first 100 days. Political analysts say that we are still in President Trump’s “honeymoon” phase. Which may account for that feeling that we’re being repeatedly screwed.

American Airlines is under fire after one of its flight attendants allegedly yanked a stroller away from a mother with a baby. Passengers were outraged that the attendant took the stroller and not the baby.

Today, Astronaut Peggy Whitson set a record for the longest time spent in space by an American astronaut, and got a congratulatory call from President Trump. When Trump asked what motivated her to stay in space so long, Whitson answered, “You.”

Over the weekend, musician Kenny G was on a Delta flight and gave a brief performance. Passengers are describing the performance as “not brief enough.”

The Late Late Show with James Corden

On Sunday Trump blamed Democrats for not wanting to fund the border wall, which he claims Mexico will be paying for, quote, “in some form” and “at a later date.” In some form — what form? Like, they can just buy us a round of beers?

Can you imagine if other great leaders had talked this way? “I have a dream ... in some form, at a later date.”

Today President Trump congratulated NASA astronaut Peggy Whitson for breaking a record for total time spent in space by a U.S. astronaut. Trump asked her how she managed to be up there for so long, and she explained it was easy. “You see, you announced you were running for president, and I immediately asked to be launched into space as soon as possible.”

Trump wanted to know what the hardest part has been, and she explained, “Having to deal with the dark, empty vacuum of nothingness.” But she then continued, “As soon as this call is over, I’ll be fine.”

A dentist in Alaska is in hot water over a video of him pulling a patient’s tooth while riding a hoverboard. Now he could face criminal charges — not for the tooth, just for being an adult on a hoverboard.

He got in trouble for this? Next you’re gonna tell me it’s inappropriate for my doctor to give prostate exams while riding a Segway.

A major food company has recalled two types of frozen hash browns because the potatoes may contain pieces of golf balls. Doctors say if you’ve already ingested pieces of golf balls, the best thing is to just let them play through.

Tue, 05/02/2017

Joke Day: #3890

From: 04/26/17
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 15

Late Night With Seth Meyers

President Trump unveiled his new tax plan today. And it’s pretty much the same as his old plan: He’s not gonna pay them.

President Trump spoke on the phone with Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau yesterday amidst increased tensions on trade. I’m guessing Trump wanted to trade ... faces?

According to reports, a group of buyers led by Jeb Bush and Derek Jeter has won the auction to purchase the Miami Marlins. Jeter is excited to get back to baseball, while Jeb is excited to get back to losing.

Today was first lady Melania Trump’s birthday. And after she blew out the candles, nobody had to ask what she wished for.

The NFL Draft is this week and the Houston Texans will announce some of their picks from outer space, using astronauts aboard the International Space Station. Meanwhile the Patriots will announce their picks from a Russian spy satellite.

United Airlines is investigating a report that a giant rabbit died on a flight from London to Chicago. He was survived by his wife and 167 children.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

Big news out of Washington, D.C., just this afternoon, as the White House finally released Trump’s tax plan. That plan? Never release Trump’s taxes.

The Trump administration has a very strong rationale for simplifying the tax code. “In 1935, we had a one-page tax form consisting of 34 lines with two pages of instructions. Today, the basic 1040 form has 79 lines and 211 pages of instructions.” 1935 was the height of the Great Depression, so the two-page form was just “Page 1: Do you have money? Yes or no.” And page 2 was so you would have something to eat.

Congratulations to Greta Van Susteren on her new, show “For the Record.” If you remember, for years, her old show on Fox News was called “On the Record.” Because “for” the record, she no longer believes anything she said that was “on” the record. I look forward to seeing her future CNN show, “Please Erase the Record.”

Wed, 05/03/2017

Joke Day: #3891

From: 04/26/17
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 16

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

I want to say happy birthday to first lady Melania Trump, who turned 47 years old today! She plans to celebrate with her loved ones. And Donald.

They celebrated like they always do: making sure Donald has something to unwrap too, so he doesn’t feel left out.

I read that the Republicans’ spending package does not include any money for Trump’s border wall. Then Trump told his secretary, “Get me the CEO of Lego.”

Chris Christie says that he’d give Trump a “B” on his first 100 days. Then said he’d give him an “A” on immigration, and a “C” on healthcare, and long story short, he ended up just spelling “bacon.”

More trouble for United Airlines: This week, one of their flights had to make an emergency landing in Costa Rica after an engine overheated. United’s flight attendants quickly evacuated the plane by picking up passengers and throwing them down the inflatable slide.

It looks like Derek Jeter and Jeb Bush will be buying the Miami Marlins. That’s right, one guy who could’ve been president — and Jeb Bush.

Conan O'Brien

A new study says that the first humans to arrive in what is now North America may have been Neanderthals. Apparently they came here to vote in the 2016 election.

President Trump is considering opening federal park land to developers. In fact, builders have already broken ground on a Bed, Bath & Grand Canyon.

Today President Trump tweeted, “Happy birthday to our first lady, Melania!” And this is historic — it’s the first time Trump has said something nice to an immigrant.

There’s a new device being sold by Amazon that helps users choose what clothes to wear. When you buy the device, Amazon says, “Customers who liked this may also like ‘a gay best friend.’”

L.A. is one of the two finalists to host the 2024 Olympics. So if you want to attend one of the events in L.A., you should get on the freeway now.

In Philadelphia, police are looking for a man who robbed a Dunkin’ Donuts, and was caught on a surveillance camera doing some stretches in the parking lot just beforehand. Police are on the lookout for the only health-conscious person to ever enter a Dunkin’ Donuts.

The Late Late Show with James Corden

The Associated Press revealed that President Trump has a single red button on his Oval Office desk that he can push at any time and have a butler bring him a Coke. And I think I speak for everyone when I say: Oh, THAT’S what the red button on his desk is for. Whew, thank God!

But it’s not just Coke; Trump also has a button that he presses whenever there is a protest, and it makes Kendall Jenner come out and give everyone a Pepsi.

Yesterday Sen. Ted Cruz introduced a bill to Congress called the El Chapo Act, which would use money seized from the Mexican drug lord El Chapo to pay for Donald Trump’s border wall. Now, this is a story about Donald Trump, Ted Cruz and El Chapo — and I’ll be honest, I’m not sure who to root for here.

They’re calling it the El Chapo Act because what better way to build a wall than with money from a guy who’s famous for tunneling under walls?

Ivanka Trump is being criticized after it came out the workers at a Chinese factory who make her fashion line earn roughly $1 an hour. President Trump was pretty upset with Ivanka. He was like, “Wait, you pay your workers?”

Thu, 05/04/2017

Joke Day: #3892

From: 04/27/17
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 17

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

The White House invited reporters to bring their kids with them this morning for Take Your Kids to Work Day. Or as Trump calls it, every day.

It was really sweet. Trump asked the kids what they want to be when they grew up, and then they asked Trump what he wants to be when he grows up.

There’s a lot going on in Washington right now — Trump is working on a new budget, tax reform, healthcare, trade. So to make sure he doesn’t forget anything he actually likes to set reminders on his phone. For example, he has this one reminder that says, “Play Tetris to practice building the wall.”

United Airlines fell by 66 percent in an annual survey of passengers’ favorite airlines, down to just 3.3 percent. Although, that means that 3.3 percent of travelers saw a man get dragged off a plane and thought, “This is my favorite airline.”

Federal agents just seized 300 pounds of yak meat that was illegally smuggled into JFK airport. And yet somehow JFK still smells less like yak meat than LaGuardia.

The Late Late Show with James Corden

In case you weren’t aware, today was Take Your Child to Work Day. It’s a great way to see why Mommy and Daddy drink so much. Although at the White House, every day is take Your Child to Work Day, for your children and your son-in-law.

After alluding to a big tax reform announcement earlier this week, the White House finally released their tax plan and it was only a one-page-long document with very little information. It was a one-page memo — even Rachel Maddow was like, “This is a huge disappointment.”

The White House promised a big announcement. But keep in mind, even a one-page document looks very big in Donald Trump’s tiny hands.

After a month of very bad PR, United Airlines is offering up to $10,000 to passengers on overbooked flights. But you know another thing they could do? Stop selling more tickets than there are seats on the plane! Just don’t do that!

Late Night With Seth Meyers

According to a new CNN poll, 44 percent of Americans approve of the job President Trump is doing as he approaches his 100th day in office. While the other 56 percent said, “It’s only been 100 days?!”

According to a new report, German Chancellor Angela Merkel was recently forced to explain to President Trump 11 times how trade works with European countries. She started to lose it around “nein.”

A third-grade class in New Jersey recently found a boa constrictor in the back of their classroom. Even scarier, they DIND’T find Billy.

A campaign in the U.K. is encouraging parents to teach their children the accurate words for their genitals from a young age. Of course in the U.K., genitals are called “crisps.”

Fri, 05/05/2017

Joke Day: #3893

From: 05/01/17
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 18

The Late Late Show with James Corden

Taco Bell just announced that it will be adding beer to the menu at certain restaurants in Canada. It’s the first time that going to Taco Bell will lead to getting drunk and not the other way around.

Taco Bell says serving alcohol is their attempt to attract a very specific demographic: divorced dads with weekend custody.

An Australian family managed to save the life of a lizard they found at the bottom of their pool by performing CPR on it. Can you imagine putting your lips on a lizard? And then Melania Trump was like, “Yeah, I can.”

I consider myself a confident guy. But I have never ever, not even after six drinks, thought to myself, “I could probably give CPR to a lizard.” That family revived the lizard by performing CPR for 30 minutes. I give up looking for the TV remote after 25 seconds.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

In a recent Reuters interview, President Trump reflected on his first 100 days in office saying, “I thought it would be easier.” What made you think it was going to be easy? This is what it did to a SMART person [shows 2008 and 2018 photos of Obama]. By the time you’re out of office, you’re going to look like the Toxic Avenger.

President Trump said yesterday that being president has been a big burden on his family. “Yes, but somehow we manage,” said Melania from her penthouse in New York.

In an interview today, President Trump questioned why America fought the Civil War. Even worse, then he questioned whom America fought in the Civil War. “Wait, I know this one. Was it China?”

President Trump questioned why America fought the Civil War. You know, at this rate the only way Trump is going to get a second term is if he’s held back. “All F’s? I flunked everything? I got a B+ in phys ed.”

Sat, 05/06/2017

Joke Day: #3894

From: 05/01/17
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 19

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

President Trump just did an interview where he wondered why the Civil War ever happened. Then Education Secretary Betsy DeVos said, “That’s easy, Captain America and Iron Man got in a big fight.”

Trump also said that Andrew Jackson was really angry about the Civil War, but Andrew Jackson actually died 16 years before it started. Trump said he’ll apologize to Jackson when they play golf together next week.

Trump defended all his trips that he’s made to his golf courses, saying that he only goes there to hold meetings. Even guys who go to Hooters for the wings were like, “Yeah, right.”

Trump’s keeping busy — in fact, he invited the leader of Thailand to visit the White House. But Trump thinks Thailand is just a clothing chain that sells really long ties.

Conan O'Brien

The creators of Fyre Festival, a luxury music festival that left attendees on an island without adequate food, water, shelter, or medical care, are all being sued for $100 million. If you want to attend the trial, tickets start at $5,000.

It was announced today that Kelly Ripa’s new co-host will be Ryan Seacrest. Seacrest was relieved, and said those 20 minutes he wasn’t on television were the scariest of his life.

Over the weekend, President Trump invited brutal Filipino dictator Rodrigo Duterte to visit the White House. It’s the first time Trump has ever said the words, “Rodrigo, please come to America.”

President Trump also said he would be honored to meet North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un. Trump said, “He’s my kind of guy — he’s crazy, he’s overweight, and he has a ridiculous haircut. We should get together!”

Sun, 05/07/2017

Joke Day: #3895

From: 05/02/17
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 20

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Guest host Will Arnett

My name is Will Arnett and I am your guest host here for the night. I’ll be filling in while your regular host is away. Just think of me as your depressed middle-aged substitute teacher who you definitely saw cry in his car before coming in.

You may know me from my Netflix show “Flaked.” For those who don’t, it’s the thumbnail that you scroll past to get to “Narcos.”

You may have also seen me in a little show called “Arrested Development.” People always come up to me and say, “Is ‘Arrested Development’ coming back?” And I’m always like, “Bateman, you’re on the show too! They’re gonna call you.”

You know, it’s funny — Jimmy had a son and I dropped everything to come host this show. When I had my sons, all Jimmy did was send me an edible arrangement. Which, whatever, it’s not a competition — but if it WERE a competition, which it is, we can all clearly agree I’m the better friend, right?

We’re lucky to even have a show tonight. Because there was a chance that the writers were going to go on strike. But fortunately a deal was made last night and they were able to go to work today. If a deal wasn’t reached, the writers were prepared to march outside all the major studios here, and they would have faced their greatest enemy: the sun.

It’s great we were able to avoid a strike. If the strike had happened I’d be stuck coming here and coming up with my own words. Which would have been … you know … ungood. Ungooder.

President Trump had a really big day, he spoke on the phone with Vladimir Putin today. They talked about Syria. And they talked about the Airbnb they’re going to share in Martha’s Vineyard together.

It was a pretty long call, although most of that was going, “No, you hang up. No, YOU hang up. No, nyet, you hang up.”

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Hillary Clinton today said that she is very aware of the “shortfalls” of her campaign that caused her to lose the election. Specifically, Short Falls, Michigan, and Short Falls, Wisconsin.

White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer today left his daily press briefing without taking questions from reporters. Spicer was apparently too busy taking questions from himself. “Why do I keep doing this? What’s wrong with me? Why don’t I quit?”

A video surfaced today of a fistfight that broke out between passengers on a flight from Tokyo to Los Angeles. First the airlines stop giving you a meal, then they charge you to check a bag, and now passengers have to physically assault themselves.

Taco Bell will begin selling so-called “Naked Chicken Chips,” which are triangular pieces of chicken that are dipped in nacho cheese sauce. And if you eat them they’ll be the only naked thing you’ll get to enjoy.

A man is honoring his late friend’s wish by flushing his ashes down toilets in baseball stadiums across the country. While the Mets are honoring his wish by flushing their season, too.

Mon, 05/08/2017

Joke Day: #3896

From: 05/02/17
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 21

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Today President Trump had a phone call with Vladimir Putin. Actually, they’re just continuing the phone call they were having last night, since neither of them would hang up first.

That’s right, Putin talking to Trump. Even Obama was like, “Now THIS call I’m gonna wiretap! Get the popcorn out!”

Yesterday, Trump said that he would be honored to meet with Kim Jong Un. When asked why, Trump said, “Because I’ve heard her music, and she sounds beautiful.”

White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer gave a new interview where he said that he loves his job and is humbled to have it. Then Spicer blinked his eyes in Morse code to spell out “HELP ME.”

New research finds that people who are bullies are more likely to get plastic surgery. Unfortunately, the nerds they bullied are more likely to be plastic surgeons. “Well, well, well, look who we have here!”

Conan O'Brien

House Republicans are again trying to repeal and replace Obamacare, even though they don’t have the votes. House Republicans defended themselves and said, “Please, it’s a soothing ritual that comforts us.”

Today, there was a call between Russian President Vladimir Putin and President Trump. The call was all part of Putin’s annual employee review.

Analysts are saying that Donald Trump has not read his new healthcare plan and he has actually spent no time getting familiar with it. Their first hint was when he called it “Melania.”

All the TV writers in Hollywood have reached a deal with the studios, which means there will not be a writers’ strike. In fact, my writers plan to get back to work about three jokes from now.

While discussing healthcare, a Republican congressman from Alabama said that people who lead good lives don’t get sick. Seconds later, he dropped dead.

German Chancellor Angela Merkel says she is confident that fake news will not harm her chances in Germany’s election. In fact, Merkel is so confident she’s going to win, she’s not even going to campaign in Wisconsin.

As part of a limited campaign, McDonald’s is offering forks made from French fries. Not to be outdone, Long John Silver’s began offering seafood made from fish.

The Late Late Show with James Corden

On Twitter this morning, Donald Trump suggested the U.S. needs a “good shutdown” to fix a deadlocked Congress. I don’t think Donald Trump realizes that the government is not like a computer. You can’t fix it by turning it off and turning it back on again.

Trump’s thinking the government should go on a break. How is this going to work? This is the federal government, not Ross and Rachel.

In an interview yesterday, Trump questioned why America had a Civil War and suggested President Andrew Jackson could have prevented it, even though Jackson died 16 years before the Civil War started. Coincidentally, 50 years from now, the name “Donald Trump” is going to be the answer to the question, “Why was there a second Civil War?”

A picture went viral of a man delivering a 30-gallon tub of Cinnabon frosting on a bus — or as we call him in my house, Santa Claus. You just know everyone on that bus was like, “Forget my stop, I’ve got to see how this ends.” 30 gallons — that’s enough for nearly two Cinnabons.

Tue, 05/09/2017

Joke Day: #3897

From: 05/03/17

Top of Page   Joke: 22

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Last night, Melania Trump’s Twitter account liked a tweet suggesting she doesn’t like her husband. But Melania claims she didn’t mean to like it — she meant to RETWEET it.

Apparently, the tweet said the only wall Trump has built is the one between him and Melania. Trump was like, “At this point, I’ll take credit for ANY wall getting built.”

Yesterday, Trump had a big phone call with Vladimir Putin, where they agreed to work together on handling Kim Jong Un. You know a leader’s unstable when Trump and Putin are like, “We gotta keep an eye on that guy!”

I mean, seriously — Trump and Putin “fixing” North Korea? That’s like Chris Christie and Newt Gingrich “guarding” a wedding cake.

Conan O'Brien

A company has come out with a robot that makes salad. So finally — a robot that’s not going to take away any American jobs!

Today, FBI Director James Comey said the thought that he helped Donald Trump get elected president makes him “mildly nauseous.” Comey then excused himself to attend a meeting of Underreacters Anonymous.

Nissan is developing technology that blocks cellphone signals so people won’t be distracted by their smartphones. First Nissan will put the technology in their cars, then they’ll put it in the Oval Office.

Ivanka Trump has a new book of business advice for women. Tip No. 1 is “Be your rich dad’s favorite daughter.”

Late Night With Seth Meyers

President Trump will return to New York City tomorrow for the first time since taking office. Melania was like, “Oh, that’s so crazy, I’m flying to D.C. tomorrow. Oh, you should have told me. Ships in the night.”

FBI Director James Comey testified before Congress today, and said that it makes him “mildly nauseous” to think that his actions might have affected the election. Of course, that might just be from all that time he spent looking at Anthony Weiner’s laptop.

According to a new Politico poll, 48 percent of voters approve of the job President Trump is doing. Of course, a lot of them think that job is plus-sized golf shirt model.

American Airlines recently announced that they plan on cutting leg room in economy class, while United Airlines announced they’ll be cutting legs. “We are coming down with the beverage cart! Get your legs out of the aisle!”

Wed, 05/10/2017

Joke Day: #3898

From: 05/04/17
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 23

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Guest hosted by Kristen Bell

Hosting a late-night show is super exciting for me. I have two kids so I haven’t been up this late since 2012.

There’s very little chance I will know any of the guests tonight, unless one of them wrote “Goodnight, Moon,” or is Moana. Is Moana on the show? She’s not? Copy that.

I’m putting all my training to use tonight. You know, I did go to NYU for acting but I dropped out because I got cast in a Broadway show. So, let that be a lesson to the kids out there. Stay in school — until something better and far more lucrative comes along.

I know this is probably different for all of you since you’re used to watching Jimmy at this time. Let’s be honest, you bought a ticket to “Rogue One” and now you’re watching Matt Damon’s China Wall ponytail movie. I get it, and I’m sorry.

But tonight, think of me as your babysitter. So, I guess, whatever — fend for yourselves while I make out with my boyfriend on your parents’ bed.

For those of you who are observing, I’d like to wish you a happy Star Wars Day. Today is May the Fourth, as in “May the fourth be with you.” Can you imagine explaining Star Wars Day to someone who’s never seen the movie? “Yeah, it’s a holiday when we celebrate a movie about a brother and a sister who kiss.”

Late Night With Seth Meyers

House Republicans today voted on and passed an Obamacare replacement bill without knowing how much it could cost. Though I’m not surprised — they also voted on an Obama replacement without knowing the cost.

Congress narrowly passed Republican plan to replace Obamacare today. Also narrowly passing: Grandma.

A member of the conservative House Freedom Caucus said yesterday that it can be difficult to negotiate with President Trump because it’s hard to tell what he’s thinking. Also, if.

According to a new biography, former President Obama proposed to a serious girlfriend he had before he met Michelle Obama, but he paused so long she walked away.

Today was National Star Wars Day and if you celebrated, no girlfriend you have.

Thu, 05/11/2017

Joke Day: #3899

From: 05/04/17
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 24

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Today the House voted to pass the Republican healthcare bill before taking an 11-day recess. They say they’re going to use the break to kick back, relax, and finally read the bill they just voted for.

Democrats are calling for the new Republican healthcare bill to be called “Trumpcare.” Experts say that’s the first time the words “Trump” and “care” have ever been said together.

Reince Priebus said that Trump helped pass the bill by punting the ball into the end zone. When told that analogy didn’t quite make sense, he said, “I meant that he hit a grand slam into the net and slapped the puck right into the hoop. Is that better?”

Today, Trump tweeted that the media is out of control, saying that they will do or say anything to get attention. Then he honked the horn of an 18-wheeler, posed for a picture with Kid Rock, and accused Obama of spying on him from his microwave.

President Trump canceled his White House Cinco de Mayo celebration. He made the decision after Mexico said they wouldn’t pay for it.

The Late Late Show with James Corden

Today was Star Wars Day, because the day was May Fourth, as in “May the fourth be with you.” And now, it’s technically May Fifth, Cinco de Mayo, as in “May the fifth margarita be in you.”

Today isn’t only Cinco de Mayo, it’s also the one-year anniversary of this [Trump] tweet: “Happy #CincodeMayo. I love Hispanics!” You know, a year has gone by, but I’m just as embarrassed today as I was the day it was posted.

I read that a restaurant just opened in Brooklyn that serves only avocados and avocado-based dishes. But even there, guac is still extra.

When you and your friend are having the restaurant conversation, it never goes like this: “So what are you in the mood for? Italian? Mexican?” “Avocados. Only avocados.”

Starbucks is up to their old tricks again. Starbucks in Japan is introducing a new drink called an American Cherry Pie Frappuccino. It’s a vanilla Frappuccino with chunks of cherry pie in it. I don’t know if this sounds like a healthy drink. Pretty sure it’s not, because this is what the barista writes on it when they serve it to you: “Bob, you have three weeks to live.”

In other news, Dictionary.com has added 300 new words, including slang terms like b---hface, 4:20, and dad bod. “4:20” is being added to the dictionary. Because only a stoner would try to look up a number in the dictionary.

“B---hface” and “dad bod” were added. If you don’t know what a b---hface is, it’s what I make when you say I have a dad bod.

Another word being added to dictionary.com is “man bun.” Hopefully the dictionary is the last place where we’ll ever see another man bun.

Fri, 05/12/2017

Joke Day: #3900

From: 05/09/17
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 25

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Centrist politician Emmanuel Macron won the French presidential election yesterday over far-right candidate Marine Le Pen — thanks to France’s unusual practice of awarding the presidency to the person with the most votes.

According to a new report, Senator Bernie Sanders’s wife Jane Sanders is being investigated by the FBI for alleged bank fraud. Even worse, her husband is being investigated by his local deli for alleged Splenda theft. “These should be free!”

Former President Bill Clinton is teaming up with author James Patterson to write a new book called “The President Is Missing.” It’ll be followed by the sequel, “Never Mind, He’s at the Golf Course.”

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

Donald Trump continues to follow through on his promise to drain the swamp because it was announced on Friday the White House has fired its chief usher. It took a while for her to leave the building because there was no one available to show her the door. Poor planning.

I don’t know about you, but ever since the House passed the new healthcare bill last week, I’ve been trying to decide: Should I move to Canada, or just stay drunk?

Well, now it turns out that the best answer might be both. Because the Canadian food inspection agency recently announced that gin is being recalled for having too much alcohol.

The recall was announced because bottles of Bombay Sapphire gin were found to contain 77 percent alcohol by volume rather than the typical 40 percent. Here’s how you can tell — normally, gin tastes like juniper with hints of lemon and coriander. Seventy-seven percent alcohol gin tastes like regret, with hints of fighting a parking meter.