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Joke of the Day

Day # Range: 3851 - 3875

Date Range: 03/15/17 ~ 04/05/17

Tue, 03/21/2017

Joke Day: #3851

From: 03/15/17
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 01

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Rachel Maddow aired an exclusive report last night uncovering a portion of President Trump’s 2005 tax return. Specifically the part where he claimed Ivanka and Donald Jr. as dependents and tried to write off Eric as a loss.

Maddow also reported last night that President Trump claimed over $100 million in business losses in 2005. How do you lose $100 million in 2005? Did you buy stock in Heidi Montag?

Today was Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg’s 84th birthday. I don’t know how she celebrated, but I hope it was carefully.

Adult website PornHub offered free snow removal during the blizzard yesterday to people in Boston and New Jersey. They cleared your sidewalk, your driveway, and your browser history.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

Last night at around 7:30, our friend Rachel Maddow unleashed a Force 5 tweet-icon with: “We’ve got Trump tax returns. Tonight, 9 p.m., MSNBC. Seriously.” So important for news networks to add “seriously” to any announcement, so the audience knows you’re not pranking them.

We all watched the Twitter feed. And when 9 p.m. came, Rachel took us on an emotional roller coaster — because, like a roller coaster, at the end we were all right back where we started, and feeling a little queasy.

First, she let us know just how much information she had. Then after 20 minutes of explaining what taxes are and who Donald Trump is, Maddow was ready show us the tax return. “We’ll go through it next.” What! A cliffhanger? Is this news or a reality show? I don’t want to watch “America’s Got 1040s.”

Wed, 03/22/2017

Joke Day: #3852

From: 03/15/17
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 02

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

We have Rachel Maddow on the show tonight! Rachel’s in the news because she got ahold of Donald Trump’s 2005 tax return on her show. But a lot of people were saying it didn’t really show much. So I guess last night, people had to pick between watching “This Is Us” or “This Is Nothing.”

Meanwhile, the White House is also criticizing Rachel Maddow, saying it’s “totally illegal to steal and publish tax returns.” They said the documents should be released the proper way: by having a Russian hacker give them to WikiLeaks.

A White House aide says that when he gets home, he turns off his work phone and puts it in a drawer because he’s afraid it can listen to him. Meanwhile when she gets home, Kellyanne Conway hides her microwave in the closet.

Russia may have trouble getting athletes to compete in the 2018 Olympics after their big doping scandal. People were confused — they were like, “You can rig an ELECTION, but not a urine test?”

Conan O'Brien

Defense Secretary James “Mad Dog” Mattis said climate change is real and threatening global stability. He then asked that his nickname be changed to “Reasonable Dog.”

Rachel Maddow’s much-hyped release of Donald Trump’s 2005 tax returns last night was considered by many to be a letdown. No one’s been this disappointed by Rachel Maddow since the guy who took her to the prom.

Last night, President Trump’s tax return from 2005 was released, showing that he paid $38 million in taxes. Trump would have paid more, but he listed Vladimir Putin as a dependent.

Last night, President Trump’s tax return from 2005 was released, showing that he had an income of more than $150 million. When they heard this, Trump supporters said, “$150 million? See, he IS one of us!”

El Chapo’s lawyers say that while in U.S. custody, his health is deteriorating. El Chapo has lost so much weight, he’s down two tunnel sizes.

Scientists believe they may have found a plant that is over a billion years old. Turns out it’s the lettuce on a Carl’s Jr. burger.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

I want to send a warm welcome to those of you watching on the East Coast, where Winter Storm Stella has not been as terrible as everyone seemed to think it would be. This was supposed to be a huge storm. Then Rachel Maddow talked about it on MSNBC for an hour and it turned out to be nothing.

On Twitter yesterday Rachel Maddow wrote, “I have Trump’s tax returns, I will be revealing them on-air.” Of course everyone went nuts. This is how crazy he’s made us. We’re rushing to our TVs screaming, “Quick! Rachel Maddow’s about to show a 1040 form!”

The show starts, she does a 19-minute-long monologue about why it’s important to see a president’s tax returns, then says, “We’ll see Donald Trump’s taxes after this.” She Ryan Seacrested us!

According to the first two pages, Trump made $150 million in income, paid $38 million in taxes in 2005. Some people were surprised he paid any taxes at all. 2005 was an off year for everyone. Johnny Depp made that Willy Wonka movie. Kanye West and George Bush had that problem. Harry Potter’s goblet caught on fire. And Donald Trump accidentally paid some taxes.

Here’s the thing: Donald Trump is never going to release his taxes — or the kraken, or Melania, for that matter.

The only result of what happened last night is Rachel Maddow topped Rosie O’Donnell as Donald Trump’s least-favorite lesbian.

A woman on flight from Beijing to Melbourne had her headphones in, then her headphones exploded. They went up in flames. They’re not sure if it was due to a defect in the headphones or the batteries were bad or if she was just listening to a really good song. The worst part is she still has no idea how “Moana” ends.

Thu, 03/23/2017

Joke Day: #3853

From: 03/16/17
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 03

Jimmy Kimmel Live

There’s a lot of lead-up to March Madness, but for half the teams, the tournament ends very abruptly. Sixteen teams were eliminated today. Maybe you wanted to win, but the good news is, now you get to return to your studies. Which is why you go to college in the first place.

They say American businesses will lose more than $2 billion in productivity because of the tournament. If that’s true, we should probably get rid of it, right? Can you imagine if Donald Trump canceled the NCAA tournament? Then we’d see some marches.

President Trump released his proposed budget today. The title of the budget is “America First: A Budget Blueprint to Make America Great Again.” Seems like maybe while they were cutting things, they could have cut a few words out of the title.

There are a lot of cuts in the plan. PBS, Meals on Wheels, the National Endowment for the Arts would be cut. The guy who has three oil paintings of himself in his bathroom wants to cut the National Endowment for the Arts. Meals on Wheels is out, but don’t worry, the golf trips to Mar-a-Lago every weekend, those will not stop.

Before he gets rid of “Sesame Street,” I think we should make the president watch it a couple of times. That show teaches so many things he needs to know — which thing is bigger than the other, how to spell, the importance of telling the truth and sharing, listening to others, maybe throw in some “Schoolhouse Rock” — he can find out how government works.

Meanwhile, a federal judge in Hawaii blocked the president’s new travel ban, which is supposed to have gone into effect at midnight. That is really amazing to me — they have judges in Hawaii?

In Monroe, Washington, there’s a mystery to be solved. Someone made a very unique donation to the Goodwill store up there — a cooler containing five large bags of marijuana, weighing a total of 60 ounces. Almost four pounds, like $20,000 worth of pot, was left in; they assume it was left in there by mistake. What are the odds a pot smoker would forget he stashed weed in a cooler?

The live action version of “Beauty and the Beast” opens tomorrow. It’s the story of a beautiful woman from a small village who falls for a selfish, disgusting monster who lives in a palace filled with gold. Melania Trump is calling it the feel-good movie of the year.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Today was the start of March Madness. That’s right, President Trump released his new budget today.

President Trump’s proposed budget would cut funding for public broadcasting. Which may explain why Elmo is turning tickles on the street now.

McDonald’s said today its corporate Twitter account had been hacked after a tweet went out calling President Trump a “disgusting excuse of a president.” I guess breakfast isn’t the ONLY thing they’re serving all day.

Hillary Clinton is reportedly still considering a run for mayor of New York City. And, weirdly, this time she IS campaigning in Michigan and Wisconsin. Fool me once, right?

President Trump yesterday suggested that Chief of Staff Reince Priebus might someday run a car company. Oh my God, does Trump think his name is Prius?

In an interview yesterday with Fox News, President Trump said he might not be president if it wasn’t for Twitter. Dude, you said that to Fox News? That’s like telling your dad that your hero is your friend’s dad.

Fri, 03/24/2017

Joke Day: #3854

From: 03/16/17
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 04

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

It’s another setback for President Trump. Last night, a federal judge in Hawaii blocked a second version of his travel ban, and now Trump says that he’ll bring it to the Supreme Court. And if they block it, he said he’s going to bring it to the Justice League.

It is almost St. Patrick’s Day. I saw that today, Ireland’s prime minister visited the White House and gave Trump a bowl filled with shamrocks. And Trump was like, “Where are the tiny marshmallows? How am I supposed to eat this without any milk?”

Trump met with the prime minister of Ireland. He even recited an Irish proverb. Take a listen to this [clip of Trump reciting]: “Always remember to forget the friends that proved untrue, but never forget to remember those that have stuck by you.” [Fallon imitates Trump:] “I do not like the judge who blocked my travel ban. I do not like him, Trump I am.”

While he was in Tennessee yesterday, Trump gave a speech from the estate of former President Andrew Jackson. Trump may have been confused because he also praised Andrew Jackson’s brothers Michael, Jermaine, Randy, and Tito.

The Late Late Show with James Corden

You guys have all been watching the March Madness games — that’s why we’re on a little later tonight. So, drunk people just getting home: Welcome to the show. And senior citizens sitting down to breakfast: Good morning.

Technically right now is Friday, and that means today is St. Patrick’s Day. I read that Americans could spend over $5 billion for St. Patrick’s Day this year. Yeah, that’s JUST on bail money.

On Thursday morning, the Twitter account for McDonald’s tweeted this: “Donald Trump, you are actually a disgusting excuse of a president and we would love to have Barack Obama back, also you have tiny hands.” Who would have thought? Now it turned out that the account was hacked, but still, I’ve got to say: Ba-da-ba-ba-bah, I’m lovin’ it.

Even though McDonald’s deleted the tweet and issued a retraction, the White House is furious. And they are already calling for Mayor McCheese to step down.

Meanwhile, yesterday Trump’s Attorney General Jeff Sessions referred to marijuana as, quote, “only slightly less awful than heroin.” Only slightly less awful — I mean, is he on crack?

Workers at a Goodwill store in Washington state got a big surprise when they opened a donated cooler and inside they found $24,000 worth of marijuana. GOODwill? More like AWESOMEwill.

There were five giant bags of marijuana in the cooler. And when he found them, the Goodwill worker immediately turned over the three bags he found to the police. The police then gave the 1 ounce of marijuana they found to the chief, who went to the commissioner and said, “Look, we found a joint!”

Sat, 03/25/2017

Joke Day: #3855

From: 03/20/17
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 05

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Trump’s approval rating is down to 37 percent. Bill Clinton had to do weird stuff with cigars to get it to 37 percent. Trump has the highest low approval rating of any president ever.

He met with Bill Gates today. It was a historic meeting — America’s two worst haircuts in the Oval Office together for the first time.

They reportedly talked about their shared commitment to finding and stopping disease outbreaks around the world. You know, that’s great. But if Bill Gates wanted to do some good he should have grabbed Trump’s phone and locked him out of his Twitter account.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

James Comey said today that he has found “no information that supports” President Trump’s tweets that former President Obama wiretapped Trump Tower. Added Comey, “To be fair, the only place we’ve checked is in Hillary’s emails.”

A Moscow zoo is suing a company that hired one of its raccoons to appear in a commercial, saying that when the animal returned it was “attracted to women’s breasts.” Or as Mike Pence calls it, “a successful conversion.”

A Canadian woman last week proposed to her boyfriend at a hockey game with a bouquet of Doritos made to look like roses. It even spawned a new flavor — Nacho Boyfriend Anymore.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

Last week, President Trump released his first budget. They’re calling it a hard-power budget because it features a $54 billion increase in military spending, and to pay for the new spending, Trump is cutting everything else, like the Corporation for Public Broadcasting, which funds PBS. Look, Trump’s a real-estate developer. It was only a matter of time until he put up condos on Sesame Street.

Trump is also eliminating the National Endowment for the Arts and the National Endowment for the Humanities. I am not surprised, because he is jealous of anyone who is well-endowed.

Plus, Trump is slashing the EPA’s budget by 31 percent, and the Great Lakes Restoration Initiative, which fights invasive species like the sea lamprey, could see its funding slashed by 97 percent. If you’re not familiar with the sea lamprey, you might know it as the vicious, flesh-eating hell beast from your worst nightmares. Or as Steve Bannon calls it, “my mentor.”

Sun, 03/26/2017

Joke Day: #3856

From: 03/20/17
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 06

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Today is the first day of spring! Yep, it’s that day when millions of Americans look at their bodies in the mirror and ask, “Can we get, like, two more months of winter?”

Of course springtime means spring cleaning, and a lot of people are throwing out things they no longer need. You know – like clothing, old books and March Madness brackets.

South Carolina pulled off a huge upset by beating Duke to move on to the Sweet 16. Now the only question is whether Russia helped.

There were actually several March Madness upsets this weekend, with Wisconsin taking out top overall seed Villanova, and Michigan beating Louisville. I haven’t seen Wisconsin and Michigan knock out the favorite since ... the election.

A man claims that this weekend, he snuck past Secret Service at Mar-a-Lago to take a selfie in President Trump’s private study. But Trump is denying this, saying there is no way he’d ever have a study.

Conan O'Brien

Yesterday was the L.A. Marathon. Actually there wasn’t supposed to be a marathon — people on the 405 freeway just gave up and got out of their cars.

It has come out that, just like President Trump, even George Washington used to complain about leaks. There was that time Washington said of Paul Revere, “Fake horseman dead wrong about British arrival. Sad!”

It’s come out that President Trump said he wants the border wall to be very tall and very attractive. He also wants to replace the wall after 10 years of marriage.

Over the last week, the White House has had three security scares. The Secret Service said two people tried to break in, and one first lady tried to break out.

A hospital in Britain will be the first permitted to create babies with three biological parents. It’s being called the weirdest experiment in British genetics since the entire royal family.

The Late Late Show with James Corden

It’s the first day of spring. Spring has sprung, so congratulations to the people of Nebraska, who survived winter. Now all you’ve got to do is get through severe thunderstorm and tornado season.

One place where things aren’t getting warmer is at the White House, where on Friday Donald Trump met with German Chancellor Angela Merkel and appeared to ignore requests for a handshake with her. [Plays clip] They don’t look like two world leaders. They look two people at a divorce hearing.

Some critics are calling this sexist, other people are saying it is because Trump is a germaphobe, others say he is just rude. I’m like: Guys, it’s all of the above.

Plans for the border wall continue and on Sunday, Fox News reported several requirements that the White House issued for the wall. They said it must be 30 feet high, good-looking from the U.S. side, and difficult to break through. Basically the wall should be tall but not fat or ugly.

It’s pretty much like Trump updated the Miss Universe regulations and just made them about the wall.

Mon, 03/27/2017

Joke Day: #3857

From: 03/21/17
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 07

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Ivanka Trump is getting an office at the White House and she’s getting top-level security clearance. She will take a position in the White House where she’ll draw upon her 20 years of foreign and domestic policy experience that she gained selling sandals to Nordstrom.

Her role is that she will serve as her father’s “eyes and ears” at the White House. He doesn’t need that. He needs somebody to be his thumbs so he can stop tweeting.

Her office is on the second floor of the West Wing, not far from the Oval Office. I suspect they put her there so somebody can run and grab her in case her father decides to nuke anything. She might be the only one he’ll listen to.

Meanwhile, poor Tiffany Trump can’t even get the White House Wi-Fi password.

The president was in Louisville, Kentucky, last night. He held a rally there. Why, I’m not sure — he might be trying to sell hats he had left over from the campaign.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

The Kremlin today dismissed allegations of Russia interference in the election, [shows photo of Trump] and so did the gremlin.

President Trump signed a funding bill today that supports NASA’s efforts to explore deep space and lay the groundwork for a human mission to Mars. [shows photo of Hillary] “Ooh, me first!” said one volunteer.

Passengers on foreign airlines traveling to the U.S. from 10 airports in Muslim-majority countries have been barred from carrying electronic devices larger than a cellphone. Seems extreme, but it’s worth it if it stops even one tourist from taking pictures with an iPad.

Ivanka Trump is reportedly getting an office in the White House in addition to security clearance and government-issued communication devices. Even more unbelievable, so is Donald Trump.

Tue, 03/28/2017

Joke Day: #3858

From: 03/21/17
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 08

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

FBI Director James Comey confirmed that the agency is examining possible ties between Russia and President Trump’s campaign. When asked if they’d found anything yet, Comey said [NODDING YES], “I can’t comment on an ongoing investigation.”

However, Comey refused to say whether Trump himself was being investigated. It’s part of his policy not to comment on ongoing investigations ... that don’t involve Hillary Clinton.

As you’d expect, there’s a lot of material to go through, and Comey said there’s no timetable for when the FBI will finish. Then Putin said, “It’s like the ‘Grey’s Anatomy’ of investigations. When you think it will end ... it does not.”

In the meantime, Trump’s keeping busy. Today, he signed a bill authorizing nearly $20 billion in funding for NASA. You know — as long as they find a way to project his face onto the moon.

Conan O'Brien

It’s being reported that Donald Trump campaign adviser Roger Stone has a tattoo of Richard Nixon across his shoulders. And get this — ladies, he’s single.

Today President Trump gave NASA $19.5 billion to develop a manned mission to Mars. President Trump said he wants to see if Mars can sustain life and a casino.

Today is the 11th birthday of Twitter. That’s right folks, 11 years ago, Donald Trump was just writing crazy things on Post-It notes.

A robot has been taught how to write rap songs by being fed more than 6,000 Kanye West lyrics. The problem is, now the robot thinks it’s God.

The Late Late Show with James Corden

Ivanka Trump is getting an office in the West Wing despite previously stating she would not take a formal role in her father’s administration. The administration has said Ivanka is going to act as her father’s “eyes and ears,” which basically means she’s going to be walking around the White House saying, “I’m telling Dad!”

I’m glad Ivanka is going to be her father’s “eyes and ears.” Now all we need is for her to take over his mouth, and his tweeting thumb.

Disney World has agreed to pay $3.8 million to workers who were making less than minimum wage and had to pay for their own costumes. That works out to around $238 per person, which is almost enough to buy a bottle of water at Disney World.

I guess at Disney World, if Cinderella loses her glass slipper, a prince doesn’t bring it to her. They just take it out of her next paycheck.

Wed, 03/29/2017

Joke Day: #3859

From: 03/22/17
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 09

Late Night With Seth Meyers

President Trump met with a Congressional Black Caucus today. And before the meeting, Attorney General Jeff Sessions picked up the phone and dialed 9-1-1, just in case.

According to a new report, the average health insurance deductible is projected to be over $1,500 higher under the Republican plan to replace Obamacare. And the only way that’s good news is if hearing it gave you a heart attack now, while it’s cheaper.

White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer said yesterday that President Trump is looking to reaffirm America’s commitment to NATO. Spicer said, “Trump will do everything in his power to find out what NATO stands for.”

Wal-Mart recently released a statement condemning the actions of two Texas men who rode their horses through the store. Though really, it’s Wal-Mart’s fault for selling them.

A new study has found three new substances in addition to catnip that will get cats high. And they are marijuana, crack, and heroin.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

For weeks now, Republicans have been pushing their Obamacare replacement plan. But the bill has a pre-existing condition: Everybody hates it!

The failing healthcare bill isn’t Trump’s only problem. Last week, two federal judges ruled against Trump’s second travel ban. Apparently, when Donald Trump heard about the ruling, he was upset. So, this is true, “White House officials tried to cheer the president up by showing him a segment on Greta Van Susteren’s show, which argued the Supreme Court would never uphold the ruling.”

They treat the president the same way you treat a 5-year-old throwing a tantrum. “Honey, honey, calm down. Look, look, we got ‘Frozen’. We got the CD for ‘Frozen’. Let’s put it in there.”

But if positive coverage helps calm down the big angry man with the launch codes, I say do it. I want to help. That’s why I had The Late Show’s in-house news team, “Real News Tonight,” make a new report that the White House can play at any time.

Thu, 03/30/2017

Joke Day: #3860

From: 03/22/17
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 10

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

A big story today came out that Trump’s former campaign manager, Paul Manafort, worked for a Russian billionaire and helped promote Vladimir Putin’s agenda. Manafort quit when he realized he could just work for an American billionaire and achieve the same thing.

It turns out Manafort was paid $10 million to advocate for Putin. Trump was furious. He said, “That’s more than he pays me.”

Meanwhile, Supreme Court nominee Neil Gorsuch started his confirmation hearings this week, and he said that he has his law students think about their legacies by having them write an obituary about themselves. Yeah. Incidentally, that’s also part of the Republican healthcare plan.

Trump’s kids, Don Jr., Ivanka, and Eric, took their families on a ski trip to Aspen. Which was fun ’til they said, “Wait. If we’re all here, who’s watching Dad?” “Uh, let’s go. Get on a plane right now.”

Conan O'Brien

According to a new poll, Muslims are the religious group most satisfied with life in America. When asked why, Muslims said, “That travel ban totally kept our in-laws from visiting.”

Today, Supreme Court nominee Neil Gorsuch was grilled about his stance on torture. And after just five minutes of questioning, Gorsuch broke down and told them everything.

In May, President Trump is going to give the commencement address at a Christian university. Trump’s speech will be entitled, “If Jesus Is So Great, Why Does He Have a Mexican Name?”

At this point, it appears the Republican healthcare plan is going to die on the floor of the House. Coincidentally, dying on the floor of the house happens to be the Republican healthcare plan.

Amazon Prime has made it possible to have beer and wine delivered to your home by Alexa. All you have to do is say the phrase, “Alexa, Daddy’s sad.”

The Late Late Show with James Corden

Just imagine Trump running into his lawyers: “Hey guys, forget about Russia. We have got a bigger problem. There’s a little girl on the internet and she is making cat memes.” When asked about the website, Trump said, “You can’t just go around tarnishing someone’s good name. I would say more, but that traitor Obama has been wiretapping me.”

Meanwhile, one of Trump’s appointees, Rex Tillerson, made a surprising statement when he told reporters that he didn’t want to be secretary of state, but accepted the job because his wife told him it was something he was supposed to do. Yeah. That’s the attitude you want representing the country, isn’t it? “Hello, Mr. Prime Minister, I’m Rex Tillerson. I’m only here because my wife made me come.”

The police sting that caught them was named Operation Wine and Cheese. They stole $110,000-worth of cheese. When the police caught them, they said the thieves were armed and extremely constipated.

In international news, police in Italy have arrested 10 people for stealing more than $250,000 in fine wine and gourmet cheese. Yes, their motive is they were hosting a book club.

Fri, 03/31/2017

Joke Day: #3861

From: 03/23/17
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 11

Jimmy Kimmel Live

On Capitol Hill today, one of the most dramatic episodes of “The Celebrity Appresident” yet: Republicans in the House were forced to postpone their vote on healthcare today because they cannot agree on what the plan should be, so it’s back to the drawing board. Unfortunately, Trump’s budget for education cut funding for drawing boards, so there’s no board for them to draw on.

The president went all out for this bill, but hardline Republicans hated it because it offered too many benefits. Moderate Republicans hated it because it cut too many benefits. Hospitals hate it because they stand to lose money. Insurance companies hate it because it can blow up the markets, and voters hated it. Basically the only people who were OK with the plan were Donald Trump, Paul Ryan, and Chuck Berry. I happen to know that Chuck would have loved that joke, may he rest in peace.

These congressmen are nervous because the Congressional Budget Office warned that “Trumpcare” could result in 24 million people becoming uninsured. Trump says the numbers were cooked up by the microwave that’s been spying on him at Trump Tower.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

The House did not vote on the Republicans’ Obamacare replacement bill today as expected. I guess they wanted to keep Obamacare until [shows photo of Trump] they can get this suspicious mole checked out.

In a new interview, President Trump predicted he would pass Richard Nixon for most appearances on the cover of Time magazine. Hey, dude, do you know WHY Nixon was on the cover so many times? “They’re going to make so many documentaries about me. I’ll bet I even pass Charles Manson.”

In that interview, President Trump responded to questions about unsubstantiated claims he recently made, by saying, quote, “I can’t be doing so badly, because I’m president and you’re not.” OK, I didn’t mind when you talked dirty with Billy Bush, or told Russia to hack Hillary’s emails. [shows photo of Chevy Chase on ‘SNL’] But when you start stealing bits from “Weekend Update” anchors — it is ON!

Press secretary Sean Spicer said today that the White House was optimistic about the chances of the Republican healthcare bill, but, quote, “At the end of the day, we can’t make people vote.” [shows photo of Hillary] “Tell me about it,” said one woman.

Sat, 04/01/2017

Joke Day: #3862

From: 03/23/17
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 12

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

The vote on the Republican healthcare bill was delayed today because they didn’t have enough votes to pass it. When he heard that, Obama called Trump and said, “Don’t worry, Obamacare covers depression. So don’t worry about it.”

At one point, Congress was prepared to vote as late as 3:00 a.m. Congressmen called their wives, told them not wait up, then they called their mistresses and said, “See ya at 3:00!”

Trump was on the phone last night until almost midnight, calling Republicans to try to switch their votes on the bill. All the calls started the same way: “You have a collect call from — don’t hang up, loser!”

Trump said the hardest part was talking on one phone and tweeting on the other.

The Late Late Show with James Corden

Time magazine published an interview with Donald Trump and when they asked if he thought the false statements that he has made have damaged his reputation, Trump replied, “I can’t be doing so badly because I’m president and you’re not.” I’m president and you’re not — I told my 2-year-old daughter that, and she was like, “Dude, grow up.”

Trump acts like anyone who is not the president is doing badly. I feel like we’re all doing pretty well, aren’t we? I try to look at the bright side. Yes, we’re not the president — but we’re also not being investigated by the FBI for treason.

Today the House Republicans were furiously working to get enough votes to pass the healthcare bill to replace Obamacare. As it stands, they may not have enough, and the vote has been postponed. Right now, it’s not looking good. The bill is basically on life support — and like most things on life support, Republicans will probably deny it coverage.

Now on to some very, very incredibly important news tonight: There is a new set of emojis. They’re going to be released to smartphones in June. This new set will include a hedgehog, a puking face, a brain, and a merman. I’m not going to lie — the merman emoji is going to save me a ton of time.

Sun, 04/02/2017

Joke Day: #3863

From: 03/27/17
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 13

The Late Late Show with James Corden

It was a tough weekend at the White House. After seven years of saying they were going to replace Obamacare, the Republican healthcare bill failed on Friday. It’s sad, isn’t it? Seven years. The Republicans couldn’t come up with a replacement for Obamacare in seven years. They made four “Fast & Furious” movies in that time.

The Republicans may have gotten a little ahead of themselves, because hours after the healthcare bill failed, there were actually commercials that aired on national television thanking congressional Republicans for passing the bill. The ad then went on to congratulate “La La Land” on their best picture Oscar.

You know, you can see why they thought the bill would pass. Winning with less votes worked for Trump in November.

On Sunday, Fox News tweeted out a news alert that Donald Trump was spending the weekend working at the White House. Now this wasn’t just news, it was a news ALERT. Like: “This just in, the president is actually doing his job.”

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Well, congrats to President Trump on creating the least popular bill since Cosby.

White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer said today that President Trump came to Washington “to get things done.” That’s why, five minutes into every meeting, he says, “Are we done?”

President Trump yesterday made his 13th trip to a golf course since taking office. Hey man, you’re the president! My only job is making fun of you, and I don’t even have time to play golf. You play golf like you’re trying to complete a punch card. “One more and I get a free meatball sub.”

Today was National Spanish Paella Day. Or as it’s called under the Trump administration, “clam rice.”

Mon, 04/03/2017

Joke Day: #3864

From: 03/27/17
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 14

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

The Washington Post says Paul Ryan actually got down on one knee to beg a congressman to support the healthcare bill. You think that’s bad — he showed up at another guy’s window with a boom box. (SINGS) “In your eyes, the light, the heat, in your eyes I am complete.”

President Trump didn’t take any responsibility for the healthcare bill being pulled, but he did announce that he’s working on some new books based on his experience. Let’s take a look at some of the titles. First there’s “How to Lose Friends and Influence No One.” Next up there’s “The Giving Up Tree.” Then there’s “To Kill a Healthcare Bill.” And finally, “Oh, the Places You’ll Golf.”

A woman was arrested yesterday morning for trying to scale a White House fence for the second time in a week. The Secret Service said, “We wish you were living here, too, Mrs. Clinton, but you can’t keep doing that.”

It was announced that Canada plans to legalize marijuana by July of next year. It’s exciting for Americans because now they can add weed to the list of drugs they buy in Canada.

Conan O'Brien

Political analysts say that after their embarrassing loss on healthcare, the White House is desperately looking for a win. Which is why this week, they’re playing the Lakers. So that could work out.

Joe Biden is now saying he regrets not running for president. And after last week, Donald Trump said he also regrets that Joe Biden didn’t run for president.

Officials in Colombia are angry at rapper Wiz Khalifa for smoking marijuana at the tomb of Pablo Escobar. The officials said marijuana has no place at this sacred monument to cocaine.

Tue, 04/04/2017

Joke Day: #3865

From: 03/28/17
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 15

The Late Late Show with James Corden

Today, coal miners attended a ceremony where President Trump signed an executive order undoing most of Barack Obama’s climate change initiatives. The miners said they were really impressed with Trump. They said that in just two months, he’d dug himself into the biggest hole they’ve ever seen. And they literally work in holes.

Meanwhile the investigation into Trump’s Russian ties is getting really crazy. Democrats are calling for Devin Nunes, the head of the intelligence committee, to step down because he took a secret meeting at the White House. Nunes wouldn’t reveal who he met with at the White House. But it’s safe to say it’s not Donald Trump, because Trump’s never there.

If Nunes took a meeting at a golf course, then I’d be worried.

A 20-year-old woman in St. Louis has been banned from Tinder after making hundreds of dollars because her profile said “send me $5 and see what happens.” And here’s the thing, guys were just giving her $5. Usually, the only thing people give each other on Tinder is crabs.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Democrats have called for the chairman of the House Intelligence Committee to recuse himself from the investigation into Russia’s election-related hacking over concerns that he is too close to President Trump to be impartial. They want Congress to appoint someone less close to Trump, like Melania.

President Trump’s son-in-law and adviser Jared Kushner reportedly met with executives from a Russian bank that was under U.S. sanctions during the 2016 presidential election. But I’m sure there’s a perfectly treasonable explanation.

The White House said today that President Trump has turned down an offer to throw out the first pitch on opening day for the Washington Nationals. But they said he would be happy to throw out some of the Nationals. [shows photo of Hispanic team members] “You go. You go. You stay.” He doesn’t want to throw out a first pitch. The baseball would look like a big ol’ bowling ball in his hand.

Ford announced today it will create 130 new jobs in Michigan. “Is one of them president?” asked Hillary.

Wed, 04/05/2017

Joke Day: #3866

From: 03/28/17
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 16

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

It’s been a rough few days for President Trump, and this week it came out that his job approval rating is at just 36 percent. Trump was confused. He said, “How can you disapprove of a job I’m not even doing? Fake poll.”

Trump’s approval rating is at just 36 percent, which is even lower than Obama’s ever was. The only time Obama came close to that was when he had that meeting with Trump.

Trump’s approval rating is worse than Obama’s lowest, and worse than Bill Clinton’s lowest. After hearing this, Trump promised to hunt down bin Laden and sleep with an intern.

Trump is now polling lower than a lot of things. For example, he’s less popular than sitting on a warm subway seat. He’s less popular than vague texts that say, “Do you have time to talk later, it’s important.” He’s less popular than biting into a cookie and realizing that the chocolate chip is a raisin. He’s less popular than YouTube ads that you can’t skip after five seconds. He’s less popular than wet doorknobs. You know what I’m saying? Finally, Trump is even polling lower than people who pronounce Chipotle as “chipolte.”

Conan O'Brien

Ivanka Trump revealed that she is planning to take a coding class this summer with her 5-year-old daughter. Then, this fall, the 5-year-old will begin working at the White House.

President Trump has turned down a chance to throw out the first pitch on opening day for the Washington Nationals. However, Trump said he’ll reconsider if he can also throw out all the players from other countries.

After causing a huge controversy, United Airlines now says it will allow any paying passenger to wear leggings. So good news, my dad can fly out for Easter after all.

Apple is reportedly considering a device to put in women’s bodies that tracks their menstrual cycles. It’s part of Apple’s new slogan, “Think Creepy.”

Thu, 04/06/2017

Joke Day: #3867

From: 03/29/17
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 17

Late Night With Seth Meyers

President Trump told senators yesterday that they would make a deal on healthcare because “that’s such an easy one.” OK, well, just make sure your healthcare plan covers amnesia.

First lady Melania Trump spoke today at the State Department. Well, technically, all she said was, “Sanctuary!”

Britain began the process of leaving the EU today, and the leader of the European Council responded to the move by saying, “I will not pretend I am happy.” Which makes sense, as that’s more of a British thing.

According to a new poll, President Vladimir Putin’s approval rating among Russians is above 80 percent. Of course, that’s largely because he conducted the poll in person.

Arby’s is facing multiple lawsuits currently, after a data breach exposed the credit card information of over 350,000 customers. The data breach could reveal potentially embarrassing information, like the fact that they ate at Arby’s.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

Anyone here use the internet? You might want to knock it off because Congress has now voted to allow internet providers sell your web-browsing history. Now might be a good time to clear your browser history. Just hit that button, or . . . pull the lever? I don’t know, I’ve never used it. I’ve got nothing to hide. I burned my computer this morning.

Today we learned that Trump is violating another norm because he won’t throw out the first pitch at the Washington Nationals’ opening day. I don’t know why. Maybe he’s worried his hands are too small to palm a baseball.

Since Taft, every president, other than Jimmy Carter, has thrown out the first pitch of the season opener. For God’s sake. That means FDR did it! Let that sink in! Not only did FDR beat Hitler in World War II, he also struck him out.

Here we go, America! Trump won’t throw out the first pitch. What else? He won’t go to the Correspondents’ Dinner. He won’t release his tax returns. He won’t put his business in a blind trust. He doesn’t want to live in D.C. What presidential tradition will Trump abandon next? This Thanksgiving, those turkeys better run.

Fri, 04/07/2017

Joke Day: #3868

From: 03/29/17
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 18

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

In a new interview, Trump’s son-in-law and top adviser Jared Kushner said the government should be run like a company where the citizens are the customers. And people said, “Well, in that case we have a president we’d like to exchange.”

Crayola is retiring one of its 24 crayon colors for first time in 100 years. They’re announcing its replacement on Friday and they’re trying to make the new color a bit more relevant to 2017. For example, politics is dominating the news, so Crayola is considering “Presidential Orange.”

They might honor Trump’s entire cabinet with “Super White.” To honor the GOP healthcare bill there’s “Paul Ryan Blue-It.” Democrats are proposing the new color “Im-Peach-Ment.” They even let Education Secretary Betsy DeVos name her own crayon, “This Is the Chewiest Popsicle I’ve Ever Eaten Red.”

Hillary Clinton is back in the news. She gave a big speech in San Francisco last night and encouraged her supporters to, “Resist, insist, persist and enlist.” And she pointed to herself and said, “Still pissed.”

Conan O'Brien

President Trump turned down a chance to throw out the opening day pitch for the Washington Nationals. Turned it down! For some reason, Trump doesn’t want to be surrounded by a bunch of large Hispanic men holding baseball bats.

In New York, Donald Trump’s childhood home has been sold for over $2 million. The buyer was told, “Imagine owning the very room where Trump’s daddy never hugged him.”

It’s come out that several of Donald Trump’s businesses have ties to the Russian mafia. So, if you’re keeping track, we’re officially up to season three of “The Sopranos” right now.

Yesterday, the House of Representatives voted to get rid of internet privacy rules. Members cast their vote, then immediately ran home to delete their browser histories.

Uber has released a report highlighting the diversity of its workers. Uber says their workers are very diverse. According to Uber’s diversity report, some of its drivers are in bands, while others are in improv troupes. So, it really depends on which way you’re going.

A new study reports that older women are doing more and more binge drinking. I asked my mom if that was true and she said, “I love you, man.”

The Late Late Show with James Corden

Congress voted to allow internet service providers to sell their customers’ web data without permission. I’ll just give all the viewers at home a moment to clear their browser history.

I have to admit this does make me a little nervous. I thought my web data was strictly between me and the Domino’s pizza tracker app.

Aren’t we passed this point now? Our phones are already spying on all of us. Today I just looked at a bowl of fruit and two minutes later my Facebook page was covered with ads for Banana Republic.

This bill has been passed by the House and the Senate and will now go to Trump for signing. And Trump says he is going to sign it, because remember, privacy only matters when we are talking about his tax returns.

In Portugal, where an airport was renamed in his honor, world-famous soccer player Cristiano Ronaldo was presented with a statue of himself. Sort of. See if you think this statue looks like him [shows photo of hideous statue and handsome Ronaldo]. It’s terrible! It looks like his face was bended like Beckham.

Just because it’s a soccer player doesn’t mean that you have to actually sculpt the statue with your feet.

It’s one of the worst statues of Ronaldo ever. But on the bright side, it’s one of the best statues of Gary Busey I’ve ever seen.

A 16-year-old boy in Bosnia broke a world record this week by smashing 111 concrete blocks with his head in 34 seconds. Get an Xbox! Get an Xbox — you don’t have to do that. When asked how it felt to break the world record, the boy said, “Lampshade tricycle is my favorite flavor of pizza truck.”

Sat, 04/08/2017

Joke Day: #3869

From: 03/30/17
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 19

The Late Late Show with James Corden

Michael Flynn, President Trump’s former national security adviser, announced today that he is willing to testify to the FBI on the Russian investigation in exchange for immunity. When she heard about this, Ivanka Trump picked up her box of belongings and started slowly backing out of the White House.

Now, we don’t know the scope of the story yet. But it is not coming from Rachel Maddow so it could be important and real.

Not only is Flynn willing to talk for immunity, he is also coming out with a new book, “The Art of the Squeal.”

A Gallup poll has just been released that shows that Donald Trump’s approval rating has fallen to a historic first-year low of 35 percent. Or as Kellyanne Conway calls it, just one more example of Trump beating Obama.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

President Trump will meet with the president of China next week to discuss Trump’s claims about China’s unfair trade practices. Which means we’re about two weeks away from having to call these [fortune cookies] “freedom cookies.”

Vice President Mike Pence today cast a tie-breaking vote to eliminate a rule that blocks states from defunding Planned Parenthood, because Mike Pence only approves of one type of birth control — his personality.

As of this afternoon, over 300,000 people have signed a petition calling for first lady Melania Trump to either pay for her own security costs at Trump Tower in New York, or move into the White House. Said Melania, “And who do I make the check out to?”

Hawaii’s TSA recently seized a so-called “stun cane” from a passenger that is capable of delivering a 1 million-volt shock. To get an idea of what a 1 million-volt shock feels like, just remember what it was like to wake up on Nov. 9.

Sun, 04/09/2017

Joke Day: #3870

From: 03/30/17
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 20

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

The White House says President Trump will not throw out the first pitch at the Washington Nationals game. Apparently Trump was afraid of hurting his tweeting arm.

Actually, they said Trump had to cancel because of a scheduling conflict. When asked if they could change the date of the game, the Nationals said, “We already did so he wouldn’t come.”

Ivanka Trump and Education Secretary Betsy DeVos visited the National Air and Space museum. Ivanka spoke to employees while Betsy played with the snow globes in the gift shop.

The Trump administration is making some changes to the White House website. We got a sneak preview to show you tonight. There’s a new section called “Insult Our Allies,” and it gives you the option to type in a country, then it shows you what Trump would tweet at them. Let’s see what happens when you type in France — a tweet that says, “French fries are overrated. Tater tots all the way. #MakeAmericaTateAgain.”

Conan O'Brien

President Trump’s daughter Ivanka is going to have her own office in the White House. So finally, we’ve got a woman named Trump who actually wants to be in the White House.

Scientists have proven that you can grow potatoes on Mars. When they heard this, half of America said, “Wait, a planet with no Trump and French fries? When do we go? Let’s get out of here! Let’s go!”

It’s come out that Russia probably tried to meddle with our election and may have tried to undermine the presidential campaign of Marco Rubio. In other words, Russia stepped back and did nothing.

Today, Vladimir Putin denied meddling in our presidential election. Not helping was that Putin made the statement from behind the desk in the Oval Office.

Mon, 04/10/2017

Joke Day: #3871

From: 04/03/17
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 21

Late Night With Seth Meyers

The White House has announced that President Trump will donate his first quarter’s salary of over $78,000 to the National Park Service. Said Trump, “There’s nothing more important than the people who park our cars.”

President Trump on Friday walked out of an Oval Office signing ceremony without actually signing his two executive orders on trade. That’s literally our best hope against the Trump administration — him forgetting what he came into the room for.

Former White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest recently said that former President Obama is genuinely concerned about how things are going in the country. In fact, today there was just a hint of sadness in his eye, as he swam up to the bar to order another Mai Tai.

Bed Bath & Beyond recently announced that it will continue to sell Ivanka Trump products. So, be sure to pick up her new line of “How Do You Sleep at Night?” pillows.

A report says that since 2010, over a million people have moved out of the New York area to other parts of the country, while one [shows photo of Melania] just won’t.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

There’s drama brewing in Washington because the Senate is about to vote on [Supreme Court] nominee Neil Gorsuch. But Democrats aren’t going to let Gorsuch get confirmed without a fight. Sure, it’s a fight they’re going to lose — but those are the kinds of fights Democrats love.

It’s been a busy few weeks for the president. Every day he gets to work, rolls up his sleeves, and gives a new job to Jared Kushner.

So far, Kushner is in charge of brokering Mideast peace, negotiating the wall with Mexico, tackling America’s opioid epidemic, fixing the Department of Veterans Affairs, handling diplomacy with China, and dyeing the eggs for the White House Easter egg hunt.

This weekend, Jared Kushner’s to-do list got even longer when he made a surprise visit to Iraq. He wanted to go somewhere with less sectarian violence than the White House.

A judge just ruled Trump can be sued for inciting violence against protesters at a campaign rally. Although, I’m really more upset that he incited voting.

Tue, 04/11/2017

Joke Day: #3872

From: 04/03/17
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 22

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

We are so excited to be here at Universal Orlando for the opening of our new “Tonight Show” ride, “Race Through New York!” That’s right, we came all the way to Florida to go on a ride that makes us feel like we’re back in New York.

But not everyone’s so excited. When he heard I was getting my own ride, E.T. told me, “Stay in your lane, girl.”

I can’t get over how fun this has been. Flying to Florida and working one hour a day — now I know how it feels to be president!

The Late Late Show with James Corden

North Carolina beat Gonzaga to win the whole thing in a game that was just back and forth the whole night, which means March Madness is officially over. And CBS now returns to your regularly scheduled Trump Madness already in progress.

Here’s the thing, Gonzaga: In many ways, you are actually the lucky ones. You don’t have to get your picture taken with the president. It’s a lose-win.

A 12-year-old girl in North Carolina correctly chose the final four in her bracket, it was amazing. Yeah, yeah, but great — just one more thing that I’m worse at than a 12-year-old girl. Basketball, math, arm wrestling, pull-ups, bench press, not crying.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

I was thinking about doing something to my wife on April Fools’ Day but then I thought, you know what, tricking her into marrying me was more than enough prank.

The president is very upset right now because he’s currently being investigated by every branch of the government. Even the post office wants to know who’s licking his stamps.

Jared Kushner, who of course is married to [President Donald Trump’s] daughter Ivanka, went to Iraq today, where he met with the Iraqi prime minister. Which is strange. Because Jared Kushner’s a real estate developer. He’s 36 years old. He has no experience dealing with foreign governments. This is a guy who negotiates rent. His job is to figure out how much it will cost to put a Dunkin’ Donuts on the first floor of an office building.

Dennis Rodman has more foreign policy experience than Jared Kushner.

So you have to wonder why the president would send him to a military operation in Iraq. There’s only one possible explanation: I think the president might be trying to kill him. A lot of fathers don’t get along with their son-in-laws. If you’re president, you can throw a black bag over his head and ship him off to Iraq.

By the way, do you think Donald Trump’s real sons are jealous that Jared’s over in Iraq meeting with the general while they’re off shooting koala bears and playing hackie sack with rolls of $50 bills? I mean, they have to be, right?

The White House today released the official portrait of the first lady, Melania Trump [shows portrait photo]. I think she was photographed on the set of “Wheel of Fortune” or something. Very strange. It looks like the jewel box cover for her Starbucks CD. Or an ad for Kay Jewelers. She’s the only first lady to use a wind machine in her official portrait.

So anyway, now there will at least be one Melania in the White House.

DoorDash is a food delivery service testing out a new method of delivery that uses robots to bring you your food. They’re offering it in California and Washington, D.C., right now. You use your app, you order food, and a robot in some cases will bring it right to you. It even acts surprised when you answer the door naked. It’s an amazing technology.

Do [they] warn people that a robot is coming? Because you could open the door and go like, “Oh, my God, there’s a robot here” and potentially it could scare people, especially in states where marijuana is legal.

Thu, 04/13/2017

Joke Day: #3873

From: 04/04/17
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 23

Jimmy Kimmel Live

The NCAA tournament is over. Now all we have is Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, and Twitter to distract us from working while we’re at work.

The National Archives and Records Administration in Washington, D.C. — this is where they store the Constitution, the Declaration of Independence, the Gettysburg Address — they have asked the White House to save all of President Trump’s tweets. It’s important to have all the president’s tweets so that future historians will be able to go back and see what was on Fox News that day.

I think there’s already a service that archives all the tweets from Donald Trump’s Twitter account; it’s called Donald Trump’s Twitter account.

Yesterday the president signed a bill that will allow internet service providers to collect and share your personal information and search histories without asking your permission to do it. Now these big companies can see every detail of our lives online. We still can’t see his tax returns, but they can see everything we look at.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Virginia police are investigating vandalism at Trump National Golf Club over the weekend. They found graffiti that said, “Help, I don’t want to be president anymore.”

President Trump said today that his infrastructure plan could cost more than the projected $1 trillion. Said Trump, “I don’t want to alarm anyone, but it could go as high as a bajillion.”

The Trump administration recently hired a man whose name turned up on a list of accounts released in the 2015 hack of the cheating website Ashley Madison. Even crazier, that’s all it said on his resume.

Today was National Hug a Newsperson Day. But if you see Bill O’Reilly, maybe just go with a fist bump.

UPS announced yesterday that it will begin delivering packages on Saturdays. Unless, of course, you plan on being home on Saturday.

Fri, 04/14/2017

Joke Day: #3874

From: 04/04/17
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 24

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

I heard that the White House is saving all of President Trump’s tweets, so they can be stored in the National Archives. That way future generations can read Kennedy’s journals, Lincoln’s diaries, and Trump’s insults about Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Oreos just launched a new limited edition flavor called “Cookies & Creme.” Or as it’s also known – Oreos. That’s all it is! Cookies and creme. What’s wrong with this world!?

I saw that Dictionary.com just added 300 new words, including “man bun” and “sext.” As in, “If you have a man bun, you will never receive a sext.”

The Late Late Show with James Corden

This week, the National Archives reached out to the White House and requested that all of the president’s tweets be saved and preserved for history. Future generations: I’m so, so sorry.

These tweets will be saved for “historical value.” And they’ll be filed under “impeachment evidence.”

The National Archives will showcase all the great pillars of American democracy — the Declaration of Independence, the U.S. Constitution, and the “I have never seen a thin person drinking Diet Coke” tweet.

On the bright side, one day we will have a movie where Nicolas Cage tries to steal that tweet.

The White House has just released the official portrait of first lady Melania Trump. Here it is. It doesn’t look like a first lady portrait, does it? It looks like a brochure for a two-day real estate seminar. “Grow rich with no money down!”

There are still a lot of people unhappy with our new president. At the opening-day game for the Washington Nationals, fans unfurled a giant “Impeach Trump” banner in the stadium. Here’s a question: If I can’t get a bottle of water into a game, how did these guys get a 40-foot banner in?

Donald Trump donated the first three months of his presidential salary to the National Park Service. That tremor you just felt was all four presidents on Mount Rushmore rolling their eyes.

Trump is also the one who wants to cut funding to the national parks. So this is like sending flowers to the funeral of somebody you just murdered.

Sat, 04/15/2017

Joke Day: #3875

From: 04/05/17
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 25

Late Night With Seth Meyers

President Trump said today that he is “working very, very hard” to create peace between Israel and Palestine. Said Trump, “They are absolutely my two favorite Real Housewives.”

According to a new report, Amazon is now worth twice as much as Walmart. In response, Walmart announced that they’re planning to open a second checkout lane.

The Cleveland Zoo announced today that its rare black rhinoceros is pregnant. They made the announcement right after she confirmed it with her rhino-cologist.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

We have a deeply divided nation. But today it seems like everyone has come together to join the protest against the new protest ad from Pepsi.

It starts with a throng of beautiful, multiethnic people protesting in the streets of, I’m going to guess Newport, Rhode Island. So far, we don’t know what has caused all of America’s hot extras to take to the streets, but I’m guessing it’s a protest for Attractive Lives Matter.

The signs they’re holding aren’t much help figuring things out. They say things like “peace,” and the peace symbol, and “Join the conversation.” That’s the most corporate message of all time. They might as well be holding signs that say, “We are all the core demographic.”

At first, this was a movement without a leader until the protest route just happened to pass by Kendall Jenner doing a fashion shoot for aluminum siding. This commercial ends with a message even more profound than “Join the conversation”: “Live for now.”

Yes, “live . . . for now,” especially if you’re Pepsi’s marketing department, because I don’t think you guys are going to be there for long.