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Joke of the Day

Day # Range: 3826 - 3850

Date Range: 02/20/17 ~ 03/14/17

Mon, 02/20/2017

Joke Day: #3826

From: 02/20/17

Top of Page   Joke: 01

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Today is President’s Day and you just know Trump was up at the crack of dawn, ready to open presents.

President Trump took office one month ago today. Wow, it’s hard to believe the past few years have only been a month!

At a recent dinner while President Trump invited other attendees to order whatever they wanted, Trump demanded Chris Christie have the White House meatloaf. Coincidentally, “White House Meatloaf” is also the position Trump is considering him for.

At a rally this weekend, President Trump compared himself to Abraham Lincoln, who he claimed, “fought with the media and called them out.” Yup, that’s who Abraham Lincoln was most famous for warring with. The media.

Tue, 02/21/2017

Joke Day: #3827

From: 02/21/17
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 02

Late Night With Seth Meyers

President Trump had dinner with Mike Pence in the presidential dining room today. Pence said grace, and Trump said, “There were 1.5 million people at my inauguration.”

President Trump today visited the National Museum of African American History and Culture … as part of his ongoing quest to find Barack Obama’s birth certificate.

The White House today disputed claims that a retired general turned down President Trump’s offer to serve as national security adviser, saying he made it very clear he wanted the job, but refused for financial reasons. Well, technically what he said was, “I wouldn’t do that job for all the money in the world.”

The American flag behind Vice President Mike Pence during his speech in Brussels yesterday accidentally featured 51 stars instead of 50. In honor of the new 51st U.S. state — panic.

A restaurant here in New York has started selling a so-called “New Yorker milkshake” which comes topped with whipped cream and a slice of cheesecake. Which means the next topping you’ll get is a coffin lid.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

Exciting day for President Trump, because he went on a field trip to the Museum of African American History. He was so worried Steve Bannon wouldn’t sign his permission slip.

Trump was originally supposed to visit the museum on Martin Luther King Day, but that had to be postponed because of scheduling issues. It’s understandable. As Dr. King himself said, “I have a dream — unless something else comes up. Then it can wait.”

Last Thursday was something called “A day Without Immigrants.” You know about this? I didn’t know; I thought that’s what Trump called it when Melania stays in New York.

For those of you keeping score at home, Donald Trump has gone golfing six times 30 days. That explains the bumper sticker on Air Force One: “I’d rather be golfing, and there’s a 20% chance that I am.”

We know the president has been to the golf course six times, but for some reason, his aides would not confirm that Trump played golf each time he went to the golf course. Sure, he could be on the course for any reason. We know he loves making fun of people’s handicaps!

Wed, 02/22/2017

Joke Day: #3828

From: 02/21/17
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 03

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Yesterday was Presidents Day, and I read that Donald Trump’s supporters were emailed a Presidents Day card to sign for him. And since Trump was busy golfing, they were asked to sign some executive orders for him, too.

At his rally on Saturday, Trump suggested there was a terror attack in Sweden that didn’t really happen — and then the Swedish Embassy asked the State Department for an explanation. You know things are bad when the country that makes Ikea instructions is totally confused.

I noticed that President Trump didn’t wear a tie to his big rally in Orlando on Saturday. I guess it was either at the cleaners, or he got tired of tripping over it.

A new report from The Washington Post reveals that Trump has spent 25 hours golfing during his first month in office. But during his intelligence briefings, he really buckled down ... and played Wii golf.

Trump went on a tour of the African American Museum with Ben Carson. Things got awkward at each exhibit, when Trump would turn to Carson and say, “Friend of yours?”

The Late Late Show with James Corden

The British parliament is debating whether or not Donald Trump should be allow to make a state visit to the United Kingdom after a petition to keep him out garnered 1.8 million signatures. Hey, Donald, how’s that travel ban feel when it’s on the other foot?

The debate is actually over whether Trump’s trip should be an official state visit. If that were the case, he’d be invited to stay in Buckingham Palace with the queen. And hopefully that would get filmed because it sounds like the greatest sitcom ever. “Tea and Trumpets,” Thursdays on CBS!

It was reported this week that Donald Trump has made six different trips to golf courses in Florida in his first month as president. It’s definitely a lot for a guy who once tweeted: “Can you believe that with all the problems and difficulties facing the U.S., President Obama spent the day playing golf?” We all thought Trump was being critical. Turns out he was being jealous.

Thu, 02/23/2017

Joke Day: #3829

From: 02/22/17
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 04

Late Night With Seth Meyers

White House press secretary Sean Spicer said today that President Trump will not be watching the Academy Awards this Sunday. But I bet Spicer will, since he’s nominated for most animated short.

Vice President Mike Pence today toured a factory in St. Louis. Pence was like, “It’s so great to be back here in the place where I was built.”

President Trump said today that he very much enjoyed his tour of the National Museum of African American History and Culture yesterday. One employee was like, “Sir, that was a basketball game.”

According to a new report, more Americans over 65 are using marijuana to relieve pain. Said one such American, “I’m 65? How long have I been playing Call of Duty?”

Scientists are saying people who grow up with cats in their homes are not more likely to develop mental illnesses. No, the mental illness comes first.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

If you are visiting in New York right now, you might have noticed that yesterday, activists put a banner on the Statue of Liberty reading, “Refugees Welcome.” It’s absolutely a lovely thought, but kind of redundant on the Statue of Liberty, isn’t it? It’s like taking a rainbow flag and adding, “We Like the Gays!” It’s not necessary.

But I guess that’s where we are right now. You’ve got to say things out loud that, before, we just assumed we all agreed on. The bar’s getting lower.

For example, yesterday, Trump was touring the Museum of African American History and Culture, and according to witnesses, he noticed a stone auction block on which slaves would stand and was moved to say, “Boy, that is just not good. That is not good.” I haven’t heard that kind of eloquent enunciation since the Civil War novel “The Red Badge of Dang, That Is Messed Up.”

And he wasn’t done taking a courageous stance against slavery, because later they came upon a set of shackles used to restrain children, and the president said, “That is really bad. That is really bad” — adding, “Chains on a child? What is this, the airport?”

Fri, 02/24/2017

Joke Day: #3830

From: 02/22/17
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 05

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Trump’s frequent visits to his Mar-a-Lago resort have many wondering if he’ll stick with the presidential tradition of visiting Camp David. While others would just be happy if he stuck with the tradition of visiting the White House. You’re still president on the weekends, you know that? All right, good.

Another big story is Trump’s ongoing feud with the media. Especially his tweet where he called the press “the enemy of the American people.” And the American people said, “No, that would still be kale. No one likes kale.”

Former Democratic presidential candidate Lincoln Chafee is actually siding with Trump, saying he can relate to how Trump’s being covered. Then even Lincoln Chafee was like, “Wait, who am I again? Am I the guy with the guitar? No, that was Martin O’Malley. No, yeah, I was the guy with the hair, OK.”

The Late Late Show with James Corden

The Washington Post has done an analysis of Trump’s first month as president and says that during that time, Trump has made 133 false or misleading statements. That’s right, 133 false statements. Isn’t that — [mimes listening to earpiece] sorry, it’s absolutely 134. It’s 135 — it’s — it’s 137. Forget it, we’ll be here all night.

The Washington Post says that he has lied over 130 times in just his first month. If you do the math, he’s releasing an average of four false or misleading statements per day. On the bright side, you can’t say Trump isn’t getting anything done.

Now the most shocking thing in this report is that it’s only been 34 days. How? It feels like he’s halfway into his second term, doesn’t it? This is the first administration where the public is aging faster than the president.

But it makes sense that Trump tells the most fibs of any president — even the color of his skin is a lie.

Sat, 02/25/2017

Joke Day: #3831

From: 02/23/17
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 06

Late Night With Seth Meyers

White House press secretary Sean Spicer yesterday denied that the administration’s order revoking LGBT protections sparked a disagreement between Attorney General Jeff Sessions and Education Secretary Betsy DeVos. Spicer also denied that he got his job after putting a quarter in a machine and whispering, “I wish I were big.”

The NYPD sent out a message today telling residents that despite President Trump’s executive order, New York City will remain a safe place for all immigrants. “I’m counting on it,” [shows photo of Melania Trump] said one immigrant.

Today was International Dog Biscuit Appreciation Day. There’s a party later tonight, but I heard it’s going to be a real snausage fest.

A new report projects that by 2020 the legal marijuana industry will create more than a quarter of a million jobs for people to be late to.

Chlamydia has reportedly become a major threat amongst Australia’s koala populations. Scientists first became aware of the problem after receiving a late-night text: [Koala] “We need to talk.”

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

This isn’t the only Obama action Trump’s rolling back. He’s going to repeal the Affordable Care Act, rescind environmental protections — he’s already replaced Michelle’s vegetable garden with a sandbox full of onion rings.

According to the administration this wasn’t about persecuting any group; it was strictly a legal concern [clip of Sean Spicer]: “The president has maintained for a long time that this is a states’ rights issue.” Oh, grow a pair! Is there a more cowardly phrase than “this is a states’ rights issue?” “Honey, do you like my new haircut?” “Uh, I’m gonna leave that decision up to the states.”

This was controversial, even within the administration. Education Secretary Betsy DeVos initially resisted signing off on it because of the potential harm that rescinding the protections could cause transgender students. But Attorney General Jeff Sessions, who has opposed expanding transgender rights, pushed DeVos to relent. “Aw, come on, Betsy, they won’t let me discriminate against black people. Just give me this one.”

Sun, 02/26/2017

Joke Day: #3832

From: 02/23/17
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 07

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

One of the big stories everyone’s talking about is the immigration debate. Pope Francis has actually been tweeting Bible references that oppose President Trump’s travel ban. You know you’re doing something wrong when you’re getting cyber bullied by the Pope.

There are rumors that Russia’s compiling a psychological profile on Trump to help Putin get inside his head. You know, it’s so hard to get Trump to open up and talk about himself. He keeps a lot of stuff private.

Apple is criticizing Trump after he overturned the rule that lets transgender students use the bathroom of their choice. Apple says that regardless of your gender, everyone should be able to drop an iPhone into whichever toilet they want.

John McCain actually praised Trump’s new national security adviser, H.R. McMaster, calling him an outstanding choice and a man of genuine intellect, character, and ability. Then Trump said, “In that case, forget it. Get me Steven Seagal.”

The Late Late Show with James Corden

The Conservative Political Action Conference kicked off today. This is a huge convention that Republicans attend, and this year they’ll have guest speakers like Kellyanne Conway and Donald Trump. It’s basically two days of speeches followed by 19 days of fact checking.

During the convention today, Kellyanne Conway shot back at her critics, saying it turns it out there are a lot of women who just have a problem with women in power — says the lady who lied for a year to make sure a woman didn’t become president.

YouTube temporarily pulled a New York zoo’s live stream of a giraffe giving birth, after some complained that it was sexually explicit. I just want to say if you are watching an animal give birth and you think this is way too sexy, the problem is you.

A zoo spokesman said that their YouTube cam had been reported as containing nude content. All animals are nude! They’re all nude! Every one of them is nude except for your neighbor’s dog who has to wear those stupid dog outfits that he clearly hates.

Who watches a giraffe give birth anyway? What is that like? “Oh, I see a head, and now the neck — and neck — and neck — some more neck. Should we check back on this in an hour?”

Mon, 02/27/2017

Joke Day: #3833

From: 02/27/17
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 08

Jimmy Kimmel Live

The Oscars went very well. We were chugging along. Then all of a sudden out of nowhere, it turned into one of those Maury Povich paternity test shows.

It was the weirdest TV finale since “Lost.” As I’m sure you’ve heard, “La La Land” was simultaneously somehow the biggest winner and loser last night. You know it’s a strange night when the word “envelope” is trending on Twitter.

On the 50th anniversary of “Bonnie and Clyde,” the academy asked Warren Beatty and Faye Dunaway to present Best Picture. So Warren and Faye come out with the envelope. In retrospect, what we know is Warren was confused, so he handed it to Faye and let her read it. In other words, Clyde threw Bonnie under the bus.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

“Moonlight” won the Oscar for Best Picture last night after the award was mistakenly presented to “La La Land” due to an envelope mix-up. Yet another embarrassing defeat for perennial loser Ryan Gosling.

A new study has been published providing more evidence that straight women have fewer orgasms than men during sex. Still no word why that study was stuck on my fridge.

A new study suggests that not all psychopaths are bad. “Thank you,” said people who pour the milk in before the cereal.

President Trump said today that he is going to “save people” from Obamacare. Kinda like how that iceberg “rescued” the Titanic from having to go to New York.

Tue, 02/28/2017

Joke Day: #3834

From: 02/27/17
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 09

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

I thought Jimmy Kimmel did a great job hosting the Oscars — congrats to Jimmy, he’s always good. But did you see what happened at the end? Yeah, the producers of “La La Land” went up on stage after the movie was named Best Picture — then it was announced that they actually lost to “Moonlight.” And today, they joined a support group with the Atlanta Falcons and Hillary Clinton.

On Friday, CNN, The New York Times, and BuzzFeed were blocked from participating in a media briefing with White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer. CNN called it “unacceptable,” the Times called it “outrageous,” and BuzzFeed called it “one of the top seven things Trump did today that will blow your mind.”

Over the weekend, Vice President Mike Pence tweeted his support for Israel, but accidentally used an emoji of the Nicaraguan flag instead of the Israeli flag. The White House says there’s a perfectly good reason why he did it: Nobody knows what they’re doing.

Last night, Mahershala Ali became the first Muslim actor to win an Oscar. Or as the Trump White House reported it, “Muslim Wields Heavy Blunt Object.”

The Late Late Show with James Corden

As I’m sure you know, “La La Land” was announced the winner of Best Picture, before it was revealed that there was a mix-up with the envelopes, and “Moonlight” was the actual winner. When this happened I bet Hillary Clinton was like, “Yeah, welcome to my world.”

Warren Beatty and Faye Dunaway were the presenters that announced the wrong film. Basically they were the Sean Spicers of the Oscars.

During the “In Memoriam” segment they accidentally showed the picture of a woman who is still alive, an Australian producer named Jan Chapman. Which in a way is a much bigger story than “La La Land.” Sure, it’s bad to think you have won Best Picture when you didn’t. But how about being told you’re dead when you’re not?

This would send me into a deep existential funk. I would be like, “Wait, I’m not dead. But am I truly living?”

Sat, 03/04/2017

Joke Day: #3835

From: 02/28/17

Top of Page   Joke: 10

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Tonight President Trump gave his big speech to Congress. I saw that beforehand, Democrats came out with a “prebuttal” to counter some of Trump’s talking points. They say that they know what Trump’s going say before he says it — or as Trump put it, “Must be nice. I just open my mouth, and the best words come out.”

One of the big issues that was expected to come up was immigration. Former Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad recently wrote a 3,500-word letter to Trump criticizing his immigration policy. When asked if he read the letter, Trump said, “I haven’t even read my immigration policy!”

Trump’s new Commerce Secretary is the vice-chairman of a bank that’s owned by Vladimir Putin. You can tell the bank is owned by Putin, ’cuz both the pens AND the tellers are chained to the desk.

It seems like Trump’s been breaking with a lot of traditions since he took office. There’s speculation that President Trump could cancel the annual White House Easter Egg Roll. Then he said, “Actually, I’m canceling ALL egg rolls, just to get back at China.”

Conan O'Brien

Tonight, President Trump is giving a prime-time speech before Congress. The speech will be on a 10-second delay so Trump can live-tweet about how great his speech is going.

Sunday night was the first time that Amazon took home Oscars, winning two for “Manchester by the Sea.” Although the CEO said, “With Amazon Prime, we could have gotten those Oscars last Tuesday.”

It’s come out that 83-year-old Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg’s daily workout routine includes pushups, planks, and squats. Apparently she began seriously taking care of her health last November 9th.

Scientists have found a way to grow human tissue on apples. Now the only thing left for them to discover is a REASON to grow human tissue on apples.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

President Trump gave his first address to a joint session of Congress tonight. Now, our show tapes early, so we don’t know what happened, but I’ll bet the people who were there aren’t that sure what happened either.

During his interview on “Fox & Friends,” President Trump was unable to name a time when he felt he deserved criticism. Which is pretty surprising, since criticism is the only thing in his life he’s actually earned.

According to a new study, cats may have more potential than dogs to sniff out bombs. They just won’t bother to tell you.

A 100-year-old Dutch woman recently persuaded local police to arrest her to fulfill an item on her bucket list. Cool story for her, not so much for the victims of her double homicide.

Sun, 03/05/2017

Joke Day: #3836

From: 03/01/17

Top of Page   Joke: 11

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

President Trump gave his big address to Congress last night. But it was surprising — he didn’t trash the media or brag about winning the election. It was the first time people playing a Trump drinking game ended up sober.

Trump’s speech is actually getting pretty good reviews. In fact, a CNN poll found that 69 percent of viewers approved of Trump’s speech. Yeah, 69. Trump called the number impressive, while Mike Pence called it inappropriate.

But not everyone was impressed. In fact, many Democrats actually rushed out at the end of Trump’s address. Most were annoyed by Trump’s speech, while Bernie Sanders said, “Drinking a Big Gulp right before was NOT a good idea.”

Papa John’s is testing a new system that lets customers pay $3 to skip the line and get faster pizza delivery. And for $6, Peyton Manning will throw the pizza at you from a speeding car.

Conan O'Brien

Disney announced that it’s featuring its first openly gay character in the upcoming live-action film “Beauty and the Beast.” Which explains why they’re changing the title of the movie to “Beauty and Her Longtime Roommate Janine.”

In California, an experimental self-driving Uber car drove through six red lights. In other words, it just passed its Los Angeles driving test.

Antarctica reported its highest temperature in history at 64 degrees, and there was a blizzard warning in Hawaii. And to top it off, last night, Donald Trump gave a speech and sounded reasonable.

In the U.K., a group of scientists successfully taught bumblebees how to play soccer. And now, they’re trying to get American bumblebees to watch it.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

President Trump gave his first speech to a joint session of Congress last night, and good news, everybody, he’s normal now! So our work here is done. When you tune in tomorrow night, this will be a cooking show.

President Trump last night announced the creation of a department called “VOICE,” which will deal specifically with crimes committed against Americans by immigrants. Not to be confused with “The Voice,” which deals with crimes against music committed by teenagers.

Chocolate maker Hershey is reportedly expecting to cut its global workforce by about 15 percent. That’s right, for the first time ever, chocolate is giving up people for Lent.

A man in Austria yesterday tried to enter a court with a bag of cockroaches. “Get those horrible creatures out of here!” said the cockroaches about the lawyers.

Mon, 03/06/2017

Joke Day: #3837

From: 03/02/17

Top of Page   Joke: 12

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Attorney General Jeff Sessions recused himself from any investigations into Trump’s ties with Russia. But he still claims he did not lie under oath. Then he said, “I’m not under oath right now, am I?”

As you’d expect, many people are very upset with Jeff Sessions. But White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer said that when Sessions denied having contact with Russia, he was being “100 percent straight.” Even Mike Pence was like, “C’mon, no one is 100 percent straight.”

Apparently, House Republicans are keeping their Obamacare replacement bill hidden in a basement in Congress, and other lawmakers can’t get to it. Then Nicolas Cage was like, “Don’t worry, you guys — I got this! I gotta break through the dome and find the hidden treasure!”

Snapchat’s IPO launched on the stock market yesterday. Or, to put it another way, something that your parents don’t understand just launched on something YOU don’t understand.

Conan O'Brien

A new financial app from JP Morgan can now do in seconds what it once took Wall Street financiers 360,000 hours to accomplish. That’s right, the app wrecks the global economy.

The accountants at PricewaterhouseCoopers who botched the Oscars have received death threats. The FBI tried to investigate, but the accountants handed them the wrong hate mail.

Attorney General Jeff Sessions is in trouble because he was caught lying under oath about contacting the Russians during the election. When asked if the allegations were true, Sessions said, “Absolutely nyet.”

Despite the allegations, President Trump said he has “total confidence” in Jeff Sessions. In other words, Trump’s waiting until the weekend to fire him.

One of the biggest viral sensations right now is a YouTube livestream of a pregnant giraffe waiting to give birth. The cutest part is when she tells the father giraffe, “You did this to me, now put down that goddamn camera.”

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Attorney General Jeff Sessions held a press conference today and recused himself from any Department of Justice investigations into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia. Said Trump, “May I also be recused?”

The Senate today confirmed former Texas Gov. Rick Perry to lead the Energy Department. “That poor son of a b---h,” said Rick Perry, before realizing HE was Rick Perry.

The Senate today also confirmed Ben Carson as secretary of Housing and Urban Development. The news came as a surprise to Carson, who thought he dreamed it.

According to Politico, during a recent White House communications staff meeting, press secretary Sean Spicer made a deputy communications director cry. To be fair, all he said was, “Wanna hang out later?”

Taco Bell has announced that it is creating a hybrid of its Quesalupas and Doritos Locos Tacos, called the Doritos Quesalupa Crunch. Of course, if you can say that, you’re probably not drunk enough to eat it.

Tue, 03/07/2017

Joke Day: #3838

From: 03/06/17
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 13

Jimmy Kimmel Live

It was another wild weekend for President Trump, who tweeted up a world of trouble Saturday morning at Mar-a-Lago. A lot of people are saying they need to take his phone away. I think maybe at this point they should consider taking his thumbs away. Put them in a box, give them back to him in four years.

There’s a man up on charges in Austin, Texas, at this hour, for allegedly getting very personal with a fence. The craziest thing about this story: It didn’t happen in Florida.

The tax deadline is about five weeks away. And this year, because of all the budget cuts at the IRS, the odds of getting audited are lower than they’ve been in 13 years. Last year, only .7 percent were audited, down by 16 percent. This year, it’s expected to be lower than that. In other words, there has never been a better time to claim your Chihuahua as a dependent.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

Last week — I don’t know if you were paying attention — but Donald Trump seemed pretty steady. He gave a big-boy speech in front of Congress, long pants and everything. I was afraid he’d sold the timeshare in Crazytown. Well, he’s baaack!

Saturday morning while he was in Florida, out of nowhere, Trump tweeted: “Terrible! Just found out that Obama had my wires tapped in Trump Tower just before the victory. Nothing found. This is McCarthyism!” Just like that, the White House had to reset their sign [The President Has Worked __Days Without a Twitter Freakout] back to zero. So sad. They’d gotten up to, like, five days. It was a new record.

Next, he tweeted: “How low has President Obama gone to ‘tapp’ my phones during the very sacred election process. This is Nixon/Watergate.” Wait, you said this was McCarthyism. Now it’s Nixon-Watergate? Pick your historical analogy! “This is the Pearl Harbor of Hindenburg/Great Depression D-Days/finale of ‘Lost.’”

Wed, 03/08/2017

Joke Day: #3839

From: 03/06/17
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 14

Conan O'Brien

Russian officials said they may ban the new "Beauty and the Beast" movie because of its gay character. Then Vladimir Putin had to excuse himself for a shirtless photo shoot atop a stallion.

Today, Donald Trump issued a new travel ban that is less restrictive than his first one. This one bans some Muslims and all women who haven't been able to lose the baby weight.

On Saturday, pro-Trump rallies around the country were attended by hundreds. Or as Trump put it, "trillions."

This weekend, President Trump tweeted that President Obama tapped his phones at Trump Tower. Trump said it was particularly upsetting because he’s a private man who likes to keep his thoughts to himself.

Samsung has announced that the release of the new Galaxy 8 will be delayed. A spokesman at Samsung said they’re delaying the release to coincide with Burning Man.

It’s come out that Trump Administration Press Secretary Sean Spicer was the White House Easter Bunny in the early 2000s. Or as Spicer calls it "back when I had some dignity."

The Late Late Show with James Corden

Trump went on Twitter early Saturday morning and launched off several posts accusing Barack Obama of wiretapping Trump Tower during the election. Right now we are this close to Trump putting tinfoil on his head during a speech and shouting, “Try reading my thoughts now, Obama!”

In another tweet Trump wrote, “How low has President Obama gone to ‘tapp’ my phones during the very sacred election process. This is Nixon/Watergate, bad or sick guy.” These are damning allegations, so of course the nation immediately responded by saying “Hey dip [bleep], you spelled ‘tap’ wrong.”

Apparently Trump believes this because he read about it in Breitbart News. He just read about it and believed it. I’m like, “Quick, someone write a fake news story about Trump resigning.”

Jimmy Buffett has announced that he’s opening a Margaritaville retirement community in Florida. You don’t really need to say it was in Florida, though. That was a given. Have you ever been to a Jimmy Buffett concert? It’s already a retirement community.

Thu, 03/09/2017

Joke Day: #3840

From: 03/07/17

Top of Page   Joke: 15

Conan O'Brien

Sean Spicer announced that the prime minister of Iraq will visit the White House in two weeks. Actually he arrived today, but he’s going to be detained for two weeks at the airport.

At the White House today, President Trump gave advice to a group of schoolchildren and he told them to “work hard.” Trump also told them, “If your dad offers you a million dollars, say yes.”

Today, President Trump welcomed the first group of new visitors to the White House since he became president. It was a little awkward, because one of them was Melania.

Tomorrow, there’s a protest across the country known as “A Day Without Women.” In fairness, I celebrated “A Day Without Women” all through my 20s.

This week, Wisconsin is hosting the U.S. Cheese Championship. Once again, the winner is expected to be “Heart Disease.”

The Late Late Show with James Corden

Yesterday, House Republicans unveiled their new healthcare plan intended to replace Obamacare. Oh yeah, it’s brilliant. The previous healthcare plan was nicknamed “Obamacare,” and if this new plan doesn’t work, it will be nicknamed “Obama’s Fault.”

This is already making a little bit of controversy. Jason Chaffetz says poor people need to choose between healthcare or a new iPhone. And just like a Samsung Galaxy 7, that comment blew up in his face.

Did I hear him correctly? Is he saying health insurance costs the same as a phone? Hey Jason, a phone isn’t supposed to literally cost you an arm and a leg. His comment was cold. Even Siri was like, “Are you not a human being?”

But the real problem is he’s talking to the American people like he’s talking to his own kids. “Well, maybe if you mowed lawns over the summer like I told you, you could afford that new kidney that you wanted.”

Let’s talk now about the issue that’s really tearing America apart: Donald Trump’s tie. Yesterday new photos surfaced that show Donald Trump holds his tie together with Scotch tape. Is that what he meant when he said Obama was taping him?

Jimmy Kimmel Live

I hate to bring anybody down but I have a little pin to put in our collective balloon. U.S. News and World Report released their annual ranking of the best countries in the world, and the United States — you know how we always say we’re No. 1? Turns out we’re not No. 1. That honor goes to Switzerland. Switzerland was named the best country in the world, based on several factors including power, quality of life, economic influence, and tiny little army knife production.

The U.S. dropped from fourth to seventh. Canada is No. 2. Which I think means we’re going to have to build a wall up there too, I’m sorry.

Sweden came in sixth. One ahead of us, Sweden — which, come on. There’s no way we rank below a country where you have to assemble your own furniture. I just don’t buy it.

House Republicans have unveiled their much-anticipated new healthcare plan that’s supposed to replace Obamacare. Here’s what we know about it so far: The new plan stresses personal responsibility. For too long Americans have relied on other people, like doctors and nurses, for their healthcare.

Fri, 03/10/2017

Joke Day: #3841

From: 03/08/17
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 16

Jimmy Kimmel Live

I want to take a moment to recognize and acknowledge International Women’s Day, which was marked today with a march on Washington, D.C., and a nationwide protest that was titled “A Day Without a Woman.” The idea was to show the world what it would be like without women. I’ll tell you something, I have some experience in this area. I went years without a woman. It was terrible, I don’t recommend it.

I’ll admit I’m not exactly clear on what “A Day Without a Woman” is supposed to mean, exactly. Women make up half the population, of course a day without them is going to be a mess. It seems like that goes without saying, right? Does anyone — hold on a second. Let me find out here. [takes out iPhone] Siri, what is “A Day Without a Woman?” [Siri audio:] “I’m sorry, I don’t work for you today. Go [bleep] yourself.”

President Trump wrote some beautiful things about women today. He tweeted, “I have tremendous respect for women and the many roles they serve. They are vital to the fabric of our society and our economy.” He didn’t write that. But that’s nice. No way he wrote that. I don’t know if Ivanka had his phone today or what.

For President Trump, every day is a day without a woman because his wife still lives in New York. At the White House, you know, a day without a woman is also called a Cabinet meeting.

Yesterday the New York Times revealed Trump had a meeting in the Oval Office last week with Harvey Levin from TMZ. The owner and public face of the news organization best known for screaming questions at drunk celebrities on the sidewalk met with the president of the United States for an hour last week. What could those two possibly need to talk about for an hour? Is there a terrorist plot against Taylor Swift we need to know about? Is ISIS after Louis from One Direction?

A group of Republicans revealed their plan to repeal and replace Obamacare. Pete Sessions has a healthcare plan of his own. I do know a catchy title when I see one. He calls it — this is 100 percent real — he calls it the world’s greatest healthcare plan of 2017. You can’t vote no on the world’s greatest healthcare plan of 2017. You’d have to be an idiot. This guy is smart.

You want to get Donald Trump’s attention? Just say something is the best. His hotel, the greatest. The hotels are the greatest, the vodka was the greatest, steaks of the best. If he finds out this healthcare plan is the greatest, he might even, I don’t know, marry it or something.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to Day 3 of “Healthcare Plan 2: Repeal and Revenge — This Time It’s Republican.” It took the GOP forever to release this thing. They’re the George R.R. Martins of health care. And just like in “Game of Thrones,” a lot of your favorite characters are going to die without warning.

Trump’s No. 1 concern right now is securing our borders, and we finally know how he’s going to pay for it, because according to the Office of Management and Budget, Trump plans “deep cuts in airport and rail security.” That is shocking — there’s such a thing as rail security? If so, they should investigate Amtrak bathrooms. Those things look like a crime scene.

But when it comes to cutbacks, “the Coast Guard would bear the brunt, seeing its budget cut by $1.3 billion.” The Coast Guard? Who does Trump think protects the waters around Mar-a-Lago, laser-sighted manatees?

Trump’s paying for his immigration program by cutting funds to the Coast Guard, airport and rail security. Great. So, we’re fine as long as nobody tries to get into America by sea, air, or land.

Sat, 03/11/2017

Joke Day: #3842

From: 03/08/17
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 17

Conan O'Brien

Today for International Women’s Day, women across the country protested by refusing to work. That’s a true story. That’s what happened today. In fact, earlier today Siri told me, “Look it up yourself, [bleep].” And then slapped me.

In honor of International Women’s Day, Snapchat added famous women to their selfie lenses. Snapchat called it the perfect way to honor the enduring contributions of women for 10 seconds.

According to a recent poll, first lady Melania Trump’s approval rating has increased to 52 percent since President Trump’s inauguration. And her “feel sorry for her rating” is over 90 percent.

At the White House yesterday, President Trump popped out from behind a screen and surprised a group of children. It was officially the least frightening thing Trump has done since he took office.

A new study reveals Americans are getting fatter and giving up on their diets. The study was conducted by going to a water park for five minutes.

Researchers have developed a new smart tattoo that can monitor your health. There’s also a smart tramp stamp that will tell you you have chlamydia.

The Late Late Show with James Corden

Today’s the day when we celebrate women, a lot of women going on strike today, and they’re calling it “A Day Without Women.” Or as it is known in the Trump White House, a day.

Another big story today is that WikiLeaks has published thousands of CIA documents detailing the agency’s secret hacking capabilities. The CIA is furious. They say armed with this information, anyone could hack the U.S. Now I’m not too worried about this. I mean what’s the worst thing that could happen? Russians hack the election and make a reality TV star the president, I mean — come on.

The leak described a project called Weeping Angel that allows spy agencies to turn smart TVs into listening devices. I love the name Weeping Angels, don’t you? Sounds like an ’80s metal hair band. Good evening, Cleveland, we are Weeping Angels!

But this is serious, guys. Any smart TV could be a listening device. You guys, you realize they could be recording us right now. I don’t want this getting out there where the public can see it. That’s why I make a TV show at 12:37 a.m.

Last night in New York City, the Statue of Liberty went dark for an hour due to an unplanned power outage. So it looks like New York got a head start on their “Day Without Women.” Of course, when Trump heard there was a dark woman from France outside New York City, he immediately tried to have her deported.

When asked for an official statement, the statue just said that she wanted some me time.

Sun, 03/12/2017

Joke Day: #3843

From: 03/09/17
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 18

Jimmy Kimmel Live

I thought we might start the show with a little bit of geography. So here’s a map of the United States [showing] the most sexually diseased states. Now, as a general rule, the state with the most STDs is traditionally whichever state where “The Bachelor” is shooting, but not in this case.

California finished 16th, which is better than I thought we would do. You know, Charlie Sheen lives here.

But the No. 1 most sexually diseased state is, fortunately, not attached to us. It is Alaska. And the reason they have the most STDs in Alaska is, have you ever tried to open a condom while you’re wearing mittens?

But it’s a serious thing, and the Centers for Disease Control reminds you, still the best way to avoid contracting an STD is to get really into Dungeons and Dragons in high school.

President Trump is working to drum up support from Republicans for the Obamacare replacement they’ve been working on. Tonight, he invited 100 of them to come bowling at the White House. For real, it’s a pizza and bowling night, part of what they’re calling the president’s charm offensive. He can be very charming AND very offensive. So he puts those together.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

The GOP’s new healthcare bill cleared its first hurdle early this morning, when it was passed by the House Ways and Means Committee, after roughly 18 hours of debate. And anyone who’s spent 18 hours trying to pass something knows what you get at the end.

Apparently, members were up until 4:00 a.m., which might explain why things got a little loopy.

Like these late night musings from Rep. Jason Smith: “You could tax a lot of different items if you want to stop behavior. You know, I love ice cream. Ice cream is probably not the healthiest thing to eat. Why is there not a tax on that? You know what, if you look at the No. 1 cause of skin cancer, it is not tanning beds. Do a Google search: It is the sun. Why have they not proposed a tax on the sun?”

So if you’re worried about losing your healthcare, don’t worry! It’s safely in the hands of the guy who’s up all night googling “why don’t we tax the sun?”

Mon, 03/13/2017

Joke Day: #3844

From: 03/09/17
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 19

Conan O'Brien

New research says that Neanderthals used to relieve pain by chewing on a plant containing the main ingredient in aspirin. Or as that’s now being called, “the Republican healthcare plan.”

Disney has announced that its upcoming live-action “Aladdin” movie is going to feature Middle Eastern actors. Filming will begin in May, or whenever the actors are no longer detained at the airport.

Hawaii is suing President Trump over his latest travel ban. In response, President Trump is suing Hawaii for “being hard to spell.”

For the second time, RadioShack has filed for bankruptcy. Experts say if RadioShack goes bankrupt one more time, it can officially run for president.

Many years after dropping out of Harvard, Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg is going back to get an honorary degree. Zuckerberg said he would have gone back sooner, but even he can’t afford college these days.

The Late Late Show with James Corden

Today, Scott Pruitt, the new head of the Environmental Protection Agency, went against the entire scientific community by saying that carbon dioxide is not a primary contributor to global warning. I will go out on a limb here and say that this guy may not be the best choice to head up the EPA. Because not only can he not see the forest through the trees, he wants to cut down all the trees and build a Cinnabon.

In other recent appointment news, Donald Trump elected his ambassador to Russia — former Utah Gov. Jon Huntsman. This is great news for Trump. He finally has someone in his administration who is actually supposed to meet with the Russians.

Jon Huntsman’s first job as ambassador will be to exchange gifts with his Russian counterpart. And that’s tough, because what do you give somebody who already gave you the White House? You can’t just hand over an edible arrangement.

The people are really excited about this appointment. There is even going to be a movie about Jon Huntsman joining the Trump administration. It’s called “So White and the Huntsman,” coming soon to an Imax near you.

Tue, 03/14/2017

Joke Day: #3845

From: 03/13/17

Top of Page   Joke: 20

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Everyone is talking about the big snowstorm expected to hit New York. In fact, some are saying we could experience a whiteout. Things will even out on St. Patrick’s Day when we all experience a blackout.

The blizzard is also supposed to hit Washington, D.C. You know it’s cold outside when the Washington Monument actually shrinks about 40 feet.

March Madness is here. It’s the time of year I go right from my “Bachelor” bracket to my NCAA bracket and it’s really fun.

If you’re not familiar, here’s how the NCAA tournament works. It starts at 68, then 64, then 32, then 16, then 8, then 4, then 1 — I’m sorry, that’s the number of Republicans backing Trump’s healthcare bill. I messed that up, common mistake.

Conan O'Brien

Everyone’s OK, but over the weekend off the coast of Florida, a Carnival Cruise ship almost hit two jet skiers. Today, the captain of the ship apologized and said, “I’ll get them next time.”

President Trump says he’s planning to travel less to other countries than previous presidents. The idea was first suggested to him by other countries.

This week, President Trump will meet with a Saudi prince. The man born into immense wealth with multiple wives and an exotic head covering says he can’t wait to meet the Saudi prince.

White House Adviser Kellyanne Conway suggested that President Obama could have spied on Donald Trump through a microwave oven. Which is why today the Trump administration brought in six Hot Pockets for questioning.

This weekend, we all moved our clocks ahead by one hour. In other words, that’s our show, goodnight everybody!

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

The GOP’s healthcare plan came out last week and, so far, it’s popular with everyone . . . except doctors, hospitals, the insurance industry, patients, the elderly, Democrats, Republicans, and — what’s the word? — mortals. Yeah. These mortals, they need so much care.

This afternoon, the Congressional Budget Office released its official analysis of the GOP’s healthcare bill and found 24 million Americans will lose coverage under the plan. But keep in mind, that’s 24 million people by 2026. And without health insurance, a lot of those people won’t live that long anyway.

Yesterday, Speaker of the House Paul Ryan went on “Face the Dickerson” to get ahead of the CBO report: “The one thing I am certain will happen is CBO will say, ‘Well, gosh, not as many people will get coverage.’” Well, gosh, not as many people will get coverage, and gee willikers, I need chemo, and cheese and crackers, I can’t afford to go to the doctor, and holy Toledo, I should’ve identified my next of kin, because fiddlesticks, I’m dead!” Doesn’t sound so bad when it’s folksy. Gosh. Golly!

Wed, 03/15/2017

Joke Day: #3846

From: 03/14/17
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 24

Jimmy Kimmel Live

It’s freezing all over the country except it was 86 degrees here in L.A. today. I won’t say it’s THE reason people hate us, but it’s one of the reasons everyone hates us.

Make no mistake: You turn on the Weather Channel, try to find out what’s going on, you see the meteorologists giving advice, telling you to be careful — make no mistake, those people are not on your side. Those people are rooting AGAINST us and FOR the weather, they’re rooting for the snow.

College students are out of town for spring break. This is the time of year students take a well-deserved break from partying and drinking at school to go party and drink on a beach or perhaps another town.

Over the next few weeks more than 50,000 future careers will be ruined by photos posted on Facebook of spring break.

If you are away on spring break, have fun, do whatever you need to do. Don’t forget Congress is about to take away your healthcare, so if you’re going to do something dumb, do it now while it’s still covered.

The NCAA basketball tournament is kind of under way. Tonight what they call the First Four starts, play-in games for the teams that have absolutely no chance of winning anything, they’re a waste of time. After tomorrow 64 teams will compete. The next few weeks they’ll be whittled down until only two teams remain. Then those two teams will get married by Chris Harrison, is that how it works?

Every year they do studies about all the money companies lose because their employees are watching the basketball tournament instead of working. That may have been true in 1995, but if your employees are wasting time watching basketball, they’d be wasting time on Instagram and Facebook. That’s just how it is. Wasting time is our full-time job now.

Conan O'Brien

Thousands of flights were canceled today due to a powerful winter storm. Either that or Trump’s new travel ban is for all of us.

President Trump yesterday described the discussions over the Republican health plan as a, quote, “big, fat, beautiful negotiation.” Well, he’s making progress. It’s the first time he’s ever described anything as fat AND beautiful.

A woman confronted White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer in an Apple Store this weekend. Not sure where he was in the Apple Store, but safe to say, not at the Genius Bar.

An Oregon man led police on a 10-mile, high-speed chase on Sunday in a stolen street sweeper truck. On the bright side, by the time he was arrested, his community service was done.

Police in South Carolina charged a substitute teacher last week for allegedly being drunk while in class. Students realized she was drunk after she kept referring to lunch period as “Miller time.”

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

We were supposed to get up to 2 feet of snow, but it turned to sleet early — just cold and brittle, right in your face. It reminded me of Kellyanne Conway.

New Yorkers are flocking to Craigslist looking for a “blizzard buddy.” You know, a blizzard buddy. Somebody to come over for a little Netflix and wind chill. It could be fun.

One adult video website announced it would donate snow removal services to several cities in the Northeast because it wants to “plow Boston.” Very generous. Very, very generous. I’m not sure I trust the porn industry with city services. I mean, these people can barely deliver a pizza.

But if this works out, maybe porn companies can take over other government functions, because like the Trump administration, they feature real, live amateurs.

It came out last night that Rex Tillerson used an email alias while he was CEO of Exxon to discuss climate change on the sly. So in the Trump administration, you can be a sexist, or a white supremacist, but you’re gonna want to keep your science talk on the D.L.

Thu, 03/16/2017

Joke Day: #3847

From: The Web

Top of Page   Joke: 22

TrumpDontCare 2 at Occupy Democrats Facebook
#TrumpDontCare 2

Fri, 03/17/2017

Joke Day: #3848

From: The Web

Top of Page   Joke: 23

TrumpDontCare 3 at Occupy Democrats Facebook
#TrumpDontCare 3

Sat, 03/18/2017

Joke Day: #3849

From: The Web

Top of Page   Joke: 21

TrumpDontCare at Occupy Democrats Facebook
#TrumpDontCare 1

Sun, 03/19/2017

Joke Day: #3850

From: 03/14/17
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Everybody’s talking about this giant storm. It’s the huge blizzard that hit the East Coast, and I read that 120 million people were affected by today’s snowstorm. Yeah, 120 million people worked from home — on their March Madness brackets.

Last night was the big finale of “The Bachelor.” Nick wound up getting engaged to Vanessa, a teacher from Canada. Nick didn’t plan on marrying Vanessa, but after seeing the GOP healthcare plan, moving to Canada was the logical decision.

The ring Nick gave Vanessa when he proposed cost $100,000. Which explains the next show Vanessa will be appearing on, “Pawn Stars.”

But despite the engagement, it’s hard to say what Nick’s future holds, if you think about it. I mean, he’s a reality star who has married an immigrant he barely knows and — oh, my God, he’s going to be president of the United States.

I read about a marijuana dispensary in Los Angeles that doubles as an art gallery. Yep. Patrons stare at the art for hours before being told, “Sir, that’s an exit sign.”

Conan O'Brien

The entire Northeast is being hit by Winter Storm Stella, the first blizzard of 2017. Of course, now that Obamacare is getting repealed, it’s nice to see something’s still covering half the country.

Vladimir Putin is reportedly frustrated by the lack of progress in U.S.-Russian diplomacy since President Trump took office. He’s not happy. In fact, Putin is so frustrated, today he called Trump and threatened to fire him.

Press Secretary Sean Spicer says that President Trump didn’t literally mean that President Obama wiretapped him. He also said Donald Trump didn’t literally mean for people to vote for him. That was not the idea.

Today, President Trump had lunch with a Saudi prince. Trump told the Saudi prince, “We have a lot in common. My wife doesn’t leave the house, either.”

White House strategist Steve Bannon is under criminal investigation for voter fraud. Reportedly he voted last year in Florida while still technically a resident of 1930s Germany. Can’t have it both ways.

An Ohio couple was arrested for faking their own murder. People grew suspicious when the couple changed their Facebook status to “We’ve been murdered.” Sad!

New research just came out that finds that consuming potatoes and alcohol can lower your sperm count. So, fellas, this St. Patrick’s Day could be our last.

By the way, sorry, if that were true, I wouldn’t be alive. I’m one of six kids. There’s no way. That’s all we had. Have your tater! That’s how my parents greeted me every morning — have your tater! And they threw it at me, hit me on the head.

Last night was the season finale of ABC’s “The Bachelor.” And tonight is the season premiere of “The Bachelor” spinoff, “Herpes in Paradise.” So check that out. It’s a good one.

The Late Late Show with James Corden

White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer announced yesterday that Donald Trump would be donating his presidential salary to a charity at the end of the year. Credit where credit is due — Trump is getting pretty creative in the ways he’s refusing to pay his taxes.

Spicer said not only will Trump donate his salary, he would love for White House reporters to determine “where it should go.” Unfortunately, where they suggested it should go is not a place that I can say on television.

But seriously, how great would it be if the reporters all chose Planned Parenthood?

Trump’s adviser, Kellyanne Conway, gave a TV interview on Sunday and people noticed that she displays a photo of herself in her living room. This is true. Take a look at the photo just there. Wow, her microwave takes great pictures!

Who has a framed picture of themselves, on their own, in their living room? She should change her name from Kellyanne Conway to Kellyanne Kanye.