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Joke of the Day

Day # Range: 3801 - 3825

Date Range: 01/17/17 ~ 02/15/17

Thu, 01/26/2017

Joke Day: #3801

From: 01/17/17
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 01

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Donald Trump’s inaugural committee is actually encouraging protesters to show up on Friday, saying, quote, “We’ll give you cookies and Kool-Aid.” Then Republicans in Congress were like, “Actually, we drank all the Kool-Aid.”

On Sunday, a Facebook Live video of Pittsburgh Steelers coach Mike Tomlin trash talking the New England Patriots went viral. But Patriots coach Bill Belichick didn’t seem too bothered by it, telling a Boston radio station, quote, “I’m not on SnapFace and all that.” SnapFace?

Belichick went on to say, “If Tomlin wants to come at me on Instagoogle, that’s his business. We’ll settle this on the field, not Skypee, MyFace, or TubeBook. But please follow me on Pinterest for tips on how to update your home interiors for spring! ’K Byee!”

Conan O'Brien

It’s expected to rain in Washington during Donald Trump’s inauguration. In response, Donald Trump tweeted, “The sky is rigged.”

It’s rumored that Donald Trump’s transition team is paying seat fillers to attend his inauguration. Just a word of advice to the Trump seat-fillers: Make sure you get paid up front, OK? Get the cash.

Donald Trump said after he’s sworn into office on Friday, he’s going to take the weekend off. Unless, of course, he has to deal with a national emergency or a “Saturday Night Live” sketch. It could go either way.

It was announced that Alex Rodriguez will host a reality TV show featuring former athletes who are now broke. Or as that’s already known, “Dancing With the Stars.”

The Late Late Show with James Corden

It was announced that the B Street Band — a Bruce Springsteen cover band — that was booked for an inauguration gala has since decided to cancel out of respect for Springsteen’s opposition to Donald Trump. You know it’s bad when even a cover band is like, “We don’t want to compromise our artistic integrity like that.”

The celebrities attending are so non-famous, they’d probably get cast on “Celebrity Apprentice.”

Maybe a Springsteen cover band canceling is all for the best. “Born in the USA” would have been an insensitive song to play at a party celebrating a campaign that was actually born in Russia.

Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey circus have announced they’re shutting down in May after 146 years. I get why their business is failing. It’s hard for Ringling Bros. to claim to be “the greatest show on Earth” when we all know the greatest show on Earth is “The Bachelor.”

Fri, 01/27/2017

Joke Day: #3802

From: 01/19/17

Top of Page   Joke: 02

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Tomorrow is the presidential inauguration. People from all across country will be there. But don’t worry if you can’t make it, because the president will be live tweeting the whole thing.

Donald Trump apparently wrote a draft of his inauguration speech himself. A little worried though, because while he was writing, he kept yelling to his secretary, “Is boobs spelled with two ‘o’s or three?”

Now, Trump likes writing everything by hand and he actually threw away some lines for his speech that he decided not to use. Well, we got a hold of some of them. So check these out: This first line Trump threw away was “Four score and seven bankruptcies ago.” Then he tried, “Read my lips. No new taxes — for me.”

And finally he tried, “Dwight D. Eisenhower said, ‘Any man who wants to be president is either an egomaniac or crazy,’ and to that I say, why not both?”

One of the DJs at Donald Trump’s inauguration celebration used to be Hugh Hefner’s personal DJ. When asked how he became a DJ for both Hugh Hefner and Donald Trump, he said, “I’m not a very good DJ.”

Conan O'Brien

A Southern California man has created a dating site exclusively for Trump supporters. It’s a great way for angry white men to meet other angry white men.

Donald Trump’s press secretary claims that Trump’s cabinet will be one of the most diverse in history. Of course he didn’t mean American history, he meant Confederate history.

The president of Gambia is refusing to step down, even though the country has elected a new president. Which raises the question, why can’t we be more like Gambia?

Today, in his last full day in office, President Obama commuted the sentences of 330 prisoners. After hearing this, Melania Trump said, “I hope I’m one of them.”

Meteorologists are predicting that the weather for the inauguration tomorrow will be cold, damp, and dreary. However, things will warm up later in the afternoon, during the Rapture.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Today is President Obama’s final day in office, and I just want to say: Mr. President, you weren’t great for comedy. You were always sincere and eloquent. You never had a scandal or fell down the stairs. You carried yourself with grace and dignity for eight whole years. So, on behalf of comedians and talk show hosts everywhere: We’re gonna miss you, Joe!

President Obama surprised his White House staffers with a private concert by Bruce Springsteen to thank them for their work over the last eight years. Meanwhile, Trump thanked his supporters with a performance by a Bruce Springsteen cover brand’s drummer’s DJ friend.

Donald Trump will be sworn in as president of the United States tomorrow. That’s right. Basically, we as a nation are going from the first season of “Lost” to the last season. As it turns out, we’re all in purgatory. That’s the best-case scenario.

North Korea is reportedly readying two intercontinental ballistic missiles to nuke Donald Trump’s inauguration. Listen, Tubby, you’re gonna have to do a lot better than that if you want to scare us this weekend.

Sat, 01/28/2017

Joke Day: #3803

From: 01/23/17
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 03

Jimmy Kimmel Live

President Trump did draw a huge crowd over the weekend. On Saturday between 3 million and 5 million people, mostly women, gathered to support him — was that what they were doing? — in New York, L.A., Chicago, and Washington, D.C.

There were protests in all 50 states. In 32 countries. They say it was the biggest protest in American history. Can you imagine having that many women get mad at you?

On the opposite end of the female empowerment spectrum, tonight on ABC we had a new episode of “The Bachelor.” The women packed up their emotional baggage for a visit to Nick’s hometown in Wisconsin. Never has a group of women pretended to be more excited about going to Wachesaw, Wisconsin, than tonight.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

During his inaugural address on Friday, President Trump said, quote, “The forgotten men and women of our country will be forgotten no longer.” Wow, the good news just keeps coming for 3 Doors Down.

During his inaugural address President Trump said that the ideology for his administration will be “America First.” Which also happens to be Putin’s ideology. ”America first, then we go into Ukraine, then Eastern Europe…”

Hillary Clinton said yesterday that the images of the Women’s March were “awe-inspiring.” Adding, “Nice to see you all come out in full force, finally.”

Rapper Snoop Dogg recently revealed that country music singer Willie Nelson is the only person who can “out-smoke” him. And then someone said, “Snoop, that’s a mop.”

The butter substitute “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter” is reportedly changing its iconic name. From now on it’ll be called “I Can’t Believe Donald Trump Is President.”

Sun, 01/29/2017

Joke Day: #3804

From: 01/23/17
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 04

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Even though our studio can only hold 200 people, Donald Trump’s press secretary says we’ve got 2 MILLION people here tonight!

We’re just a few days into Donald Trump’s presidency. And I don’t know what Trump’s fitness initiative is, but because of him, millions of women got their steps in this weekend.

The Women’s March in Washington was on Saturday, and it had three times as many people as Trump’s inauguration. When he was told there were hundreds of thousands of women outside the White House, Trump said, “Wow, this Trump cologne REALLY WORKS.”

Yesterday was Donald and Melania Trump’s 12th wedding anniversary. When asked what the traditional 12th anniversary gift is, Trump said, “I don’t know, I’ve never made it this far.”

Conan O'Brien

The White House has admitted that Donald Trump did not write his inauguration speech. The speech was written late last Thursday by a disgruntled postal worker.

There were marches across all seven continents, including Antarctica. To be fair to Trump, the protest in Antarctica was just the March of the Penguins.

Over the weekend, 750,000 protesters attended the Women’s March in downtown Los Angeles. The last time this many women gathered in downtown L.A., it was to testify against Bill Cosby.

Friends say Hillary Clinton is thinking of writing another book. This book’s tentative title is “Happy Now, [Jerks]?”

Mon, 01/30/2017

Joke Day: #3805

From: 01/24/17
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 05

Jimmy Kimmel Live

President Trump got his first approval rating numbers and they aren’t good. His approval rating stands at 45 percent, which is the lowest in history for a new president. Or as his press secretary Sean Spicer put it today, “The highest in history for a new president.”

The number one thing on Donald Trump’s mind right now is the election in November. He says that 3 million to 5 million illegal voters cost him the popular vote. There doesn’t seem to be any evidence to support this belief but that doesn’t matter.

I’m 100 percent convinced if given the choice, Donald Trump would rather have won the popular vote and lost the actual election than the other way around.

The New York Times used the word “lie” to describe the president’s take on this. But I don’t know. A lie is when you say something you know isn’t true. I think Donald Trump believes it. It’s not so much a lie as it is a symptom.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Following President Trump’s inauguration, the White House website no longer has an option for translation into Spanish. So, sorry, Mexican immigrants, if you want to live here, you’ll just have to learn to speak Russian.

President Trump today met with the leaders of Fiat, Chrysler, Ford, and General Motors. And he asked them one question, “How many people do you think were at my inauguration?”

Oscar nominations were announced today with Meryl Streep nominated for “Florence Foster Jenkins,” Natalie Portman for “Jackie,” and Hillary Clinton for smiling her way through the inauguration.

Tue, 01/31/2017

Joke Day: #3806

From: 01/24/17
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 06

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

ABC will air a primetime special with President Trump tomorrow night, marking his first interview since taking office. Even though the interview hasn’t even aired yet, Trump is already claiming it was watched by a billion people.

President Trump signed executive orders to continue construction on the controversial Keystone and Dakota Access oil pipelines. I guess he hasn’t seen a massive protest since Saturday and kinda misses it.

Rolling Stone just did a big profile on Vice President Mike Pence, and revealed that Pence grew up with a cornfield in his backyard. I guess at times, he even heard a voice coming from it that said, “If you build it ... Mexico won’t pay for it.”

This weekend’s big box-office winner was “Split,” starring James McAvoy as a man with multiple personalities. When asked how he felt about the film’s success, McAvoy said, [HAPPY] “It’s great!” [SAD] “Coulda been better.” [EXCITED] “Can’t wait for a sequel!” [ANGRY] “I’d never do a sequel!”

Conan O'Brien

Senior aides to Donald Trump say they try to keep him from watching cable TV. And that’s partly because the news channels upset him, but mostly because he’s now bought over 300 NutriBullets.

President Trump announced he will nominate a new Supreme Court Justice sometime next week. Trump said, “I just need a few more days to come up with someone completely unqualified.”

It is true, I’m not making this up, he did call his inauguration day “A National Day of Patriotic Devotion.” So today, Trump was accused of fascism by Democrats and plagiarism by Kim Jong Un.

The Oscar nominations came out today and the movie “La La Land” got 14 nominations. However, that’s only because 3 to 5 million undocumented immigrants voted illegally.

A Fox News host claims he saw Trump adviser Kellyanne Conway get into a fistfight at one of the inaugural balls. However, today it was explained to him that “that’s just how Irish people dance.”

Engineers have begun trying to find a way to brew beer on the moon. Which means we’ll soon have astronauts calling into Mission Control saying, “Houston, we have a drinking problem.”

Wed, 02/01/2017

Joke Day: #3807

From: 01/17

Top of Page   Joke: 07

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

President Trump is still settling into the White House, and I read that Trump’s gold curtains in the Oval Office are the same ones Hillary picked out for Bill Clinton in 1993. So she may not be president, but Hillary still figured out a way to throw some shade.

Trump is trying to get down to business. In fact, he met with the CEOs of General Motors, Ford, and Chrysler this week, to try and convince them to make more cars in the U.S. In fact he even pitched them the idea for a new car: “The Really, Really Smart Car (Smarter Than You’d Ever Believe, That I Can Tell You.)”

There are reports that Trump adviser Kellyanne Conway actually punched a guy while trying to break up a fight at Trump’s inaugural ball. Though she says it wasn’t a punch, it was an “alternative high-five.”

Arnold Schwarzenegger met Pope Francis at the Vatican today. When the Pope heard it was the guy that said, “I’ll be back,” he said, “Oh, I was expecting someone else. Sorry.”

Conan O'Brien

Today at the Vatican, Arnold Schwarzenegger met Pope Francis and tweeted that he is “a true leader for the Church.” Then Pope Francis tweeted, “I couldn’t understand a word that guy said.”

Today, President Trump signed an executive order authorizing the building of the border wall. It’s guaranteed to keep out all Mexicans unless they get their hands on a ladder or a shovel.

Yesterday, Donald Trump threatened to send federal troops to Chicago. The weird part is, not the city, the musical.

A man and his 75-year-old mom survived being lifted out of their home during a tornado by sitting together in a bathtub. The man said the tornado didn’t traumatize him but being in a bathtub with his mother did.

President Trump has called for an investigation into voter fraud during the presidential election. Trump said, “I mean for God’s sake, look who they chose!”

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Tonight President Trump continued with his mysterious and puzzling claim that voter fraud cost him the popular vote in the election. He says 3 million to 5 million illegal voters chose Hillary over him. He knows if that’s true he still has to be president, right?

Trump tweeted this morning, “I will be asking for a major investigation into voter fraud, including those registered to vote in two states, those who are illegal, and” — he goes on to another one — “even those registered to vote who are dead, and many for a long time.”

That’s right, dead people voted. And I like that he added “many for a long time,” which makes it seem like if newly dead people vote, you can forgive that.

According to a report from the Brennan Center for Justice, the rate of voter fraud, the real rate in U.S. elections, is between .00004% and .00009%. In other words, about the same rate as the couples on “The Bachelor” who get married.

It’s a tiny percentage, but there will be a major investigation. He must get to the bottom of why he is stuck with this horrible job he didn’t want.

Today Trump said he believes in torturing prisoners. Which is bad news for Melania.

At the Vatican today, Arnold Schwarzenegger met with Pope Francis. Or as Arnold called him, “Pump Fracas.” Interesting meeting, because Arnold doesn’t speak English — I mean Spanish — never mind. He doesn’t speak English.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

According to The New York Times, the White House kitchen has been stocked with President Trump’s favorite snacks including Lay’s potato chips. And his Cabinet has been filled with crackers.

US Weekly released their new cover story on Donald Trump’s children and promised “everything you didn’t know about the Trump kids.” “Is it their names?” asked Trump.

Three people were arrested and charged in New Jersey today after leaving behind a pound of marijuana in their hotel room. How could you forget your marijuana … Oh. Right.

According to a recent study, men on dating sites are more popular if they mention dancing or cooking. Because if there’s one thing women love, it’s a man who can lie.

Thu, 02/02/2017

Joke Day: #3808

From: 01/30/17
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 08

Jimmy Kimmel Live

You know how over the course of his time in office, over four years or eight years, the president gets old and his hair turns gray? During this administration, instead of him, that’s going to happen to all of us.

President Trump on Friday signed an executive order that bans citizens from seven predominantly Muslim countries from entering the United States for 90 days, bans refugees from entering the United States for 120 days. There were demonstrations in just about every major city yesterday. People went to the airport to protest. That's when you know people are mad: It's Sunday, they have no travel plans, and they go to the airport.

Travelers from the seven restricted countries, most of them got on a plane, had no idea they would be stopped, were detained by immigration, including a 5-year-old boy who was detained for hours while his mother, who was born in Iran, waited at the gate for him. And that meant lucky Sean Spicer, the White House press secretary, had the unenviable job trying to explain how detaining a 5-year-old helps keep the country safe.

Fortunately the White House press room is on the ground floor, which is good because that way Sean won't hurt himself when he eventually jumps out the window.

While all this was happening, Donald Trump was hosting a screening at the White House of the movie "Finding Dory," which ironically is a movie about a fish trying to find her parents. To his credit he was so moved by the film, he lifted all travel restrictions on clownfish. So that is good.

If Donald Trump — think of this, if he stops all the immigrants from coming into the country, where's he going to find his next wife?

Trump spoke with a number of foreign leaders over the weekend, including the president of Mexico, the prime minister of Germany. He also spoke with Vladimir Putin for about an hour. Putin wanted to know if Trump liked the gift he got him. Donald told him, yes, he was enjoying the presidency very much.

There was a hash tag, #DeleteUber, trending over the weekend. People were upset because in New York when taxi drivers went on strike in solidarity with the protesters at JFK airport, Uber at the same time announced they were lowering prices at JFK. Some people thought it seemed like they were trying to profit from the strike. Which I don't know, I highly doubt the company that charges you $300 to get home on New Year's would be focused on money during a time like that.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Former President Obama released his first public statement today since leaving the White House. And I have it here . . . just let me read it to you in full . . . ahem . . . "Oh HELL no!"

President Trump said yesterday that his ban on visitors from seven Muslim-majority nations is "not about religion" but about "keeping our country safe." Though if you really wanna keep Americans safe, quit making them walk in the street.

German Chancellor Angela Merkel this weekend reportedly had to explain the Geneva Refugee Convention to President Trump during a phone call. She also had to explain to him not to push the buttons while they were talking.

Two New Hampshire Burger King employees were arrested last week after selling marijuana at their drive-thru. Which is crazy, who goes to Burger King before they get weed?

According to a new study, having sex in a hot tub could cause infections and rashes. Though if you’re the kind of person who has sex in hot tubs, you probably brought a couple with you.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

So this is our first show of the Trump administration. You ever regret going on vacation? "Take the week off," they said. "America will still be here when you get back," they said. "How much could he do in a week?"

You've got to give the guy credit. He can really get a lot of stuff undone. From Obamacare to climate change to torture, he's already moved the country back to 2004. If this keeps up, pretty soon, I’m going to launch "The Colbert Report."

This guy is the Usain Bolt of executive orders. The latest is the order banning any refugees from entering the country for 120 days. Now, keep in mind, there are currently more refugees than at any time since World War II, and Trump just slammed the door. Explains why the poem on the Statue of Liberty now reads, "Don't let it hit ya where the good Lord split ya."

And at Dulles Airport, a 5-year-old Iranian boy was detained for hours and kept from his mother. Or as Kellyanne Conway calls it, "alternative daycare."

Fri, 02/03/2017

Joke Day: #3809

From: 01/30/17
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 09

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Here in New York thousands of people showed up at JFK airport over the weekend to protest Trump's immigration ban. People who were actually at the protests said, "This is awful." While people at LaGuardia were like, "You think you got it bad. We're at LaGuardia."

After Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer got emotional while protesting Trump's travel ban, Trump accused him of fake crying. Then Melania said, "Trust me, he doesn't know when someone is faking it."

Yesterday at the White House, Trump hosted a screening of the movie "Finding Dory." Trump said he actually related more to "Finding Nemo" because that was about an orange-and-white cartoon.

A group of inmates in California filmed a YouTube video from prison where they vowed to help El Chapo escape. El Chapo was excited to watch it, but then a 30-second ad popped up and he was like, "Ugh — forget it."

Tostitos is coming out with a limited-edition bag that actually doubles as a breathalyzer. Here's how it works: If you're breathing into a bag of Tostitos, you're probably drunk.

Conan O'Brien

Yesterday Donald Trump spent the afternoon at the White House watching "Finding Dory" with his family. Apparently in this version Dory couldn't be found because she was being detained at the airport.

They asked Trump about the movie and Trump said, "I was amazed by Dory’s long attention span."

This weekend the nation's airports were filled with people protesting president Trump's Muslim ban. It was the largest collection of angry people at an airport since every United Airlines flight.

The CEO of Starbucks has pledged to hire 10,000 refugees. So if you think they're writing your name incorrectly on the cups now . . .

When asked why, the CEO said Starbucks has always been the place for people with nowhere else to go. Yeah, just with your laptop. There are people that have been in there for nine years. Writing a single screenplay.

During an interview yesterday, Trump adviser Kellyanne Conway compared Donald Trump to Jesus. That's right, two guys who started out by inheriting their father’s business.

California Gov. Jerry Brown said if he has to he will fight Donald Trump in court on climate change. Experts say it will be the landmark case of Brown v. Orange.

The Late Late Show with James Corden

An art gallery in Finland recently put on an exhibition of paintings created by a brown bear named Juuso. The exhibition sold 15 of the bear's paintings, raising $8,500. Fifteen paintings — that is 14 more paintings than Van Gogh sold in his entire lifetime.

A gourmet restaurant in San Francisco is now offering a signature dish that is served on an iPad. Or as it will be reported next week, "Restaurant in San Francisco suddenly missing all of its plates."

Not all of the entrees at this restaurant come out on an iPad. For example when you order the fajitas, they come out on a sizzling Galaxy Note 7.

Sat, 02/04/2017

Joke Day: #3810

From: 01/31/17
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 10

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Even people connected to Trump are taking some heat, like Disney CEO Bob Iger, who’s facing criticism for being part of a Trump advisory committee. Meanwhile, Aladdin has been stuck in customs at JFK since Saturday. You’d think he’d just take the carpet.

A psychologist at Johns Hopkins University says he believes that President Trump suffers from “malignant narcissism.” The condition is actually treatable, but unfortunately, Trump JUST missed the deadline for Obamacare.

We’re just five days away from Super Bowl 51! And a new poll finds that the majority of Americans want the Atlanta Falcons to win. But lately we’ve learned that it doesn’t really matter what the majority of Americans want.

Tom Brady said that he’s banned his dad from talking to the media after he spoke out against NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell. Tom is so embarrassed, this Sunday he’s making his dad drop him off a block away from the Super Bowl.

BlackBerry just announced that it’s releasing a new phone next month that has a physical keyboard. Experts are calling it the biggest tech news of 2006.

Conan O'Brien

Man, Donald Trump is busy these days, isn’t he? The guy’s been president for, what, six, seven days? And he’s already done 150 things that are [ticking] people off left and right.

Donald Trump says he wants to speed up the FDA’s drug approval process. Trump said, “With what I’ve got planned, America’s going to need all the drugs it can get.”

Donald Trump now says that this week he will allow 872 refugees into the United States; 872. Trump says the immigrants will arrive on Friday and start their modeling careers on Monday.

Thirty-one pounds of cocaine have been found hidden in the nose of an American Airlines jet. Authorities became suspicious when the plane flew from Miami to New York in 16 minutes.

To compete with Amazon, today Wal-Mart started offering free two-day shipping. The only problem is, no one wants anything from Wal-Mart to arrive that fast.

Starbucks and Amazon are partnering to make it possible for Alexa to place your coffee order for you. All you have to do is use the simple voice command, “Alexa, I’m pathetic.”

The Late Late Show with James Corden

January 31st is National Backward Day. Not to be confused with January 20th, which was Set the Nation Backward Day.

The world’s first supermarket chain to only sell vegan foods, which was called Veganz with a “z,” has announced they will have to declare bankruptcy and shut all their stores. When asked what went wrong, the vegan supermarket said, “Well, we’re a vegan supermarket.”

Turns out you can buy vegetables at any supermarket. But maybe it was destined to fail. Critics say the business plan was weak. Probably from a lack of iron.

In Massachusetts, federal agents charged a man for money laundering after they found that he had been keeping $20 million under his mattress. Or as we’ll call it after a few years of Trump’s fiscal policy, “a bank.”

There was a crazy story out of Venezuela. A 25-year-old woman was arrested after attempting to break her boyfriend out of prison by smuggling him in a suitcase. The warden said it was an “open-and-can’t-quite-get-it-shut case.”

Honestly, that’s just impressive. Don’t put that guy in prison. Put him in Cirque du Soleil! But prison officials were not amused, and they sentenced him to 10 years of solitary confinement in a fanny pack.

Sun, 02/05/2017

Joke Day: #3811

From: 01/31/17
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 11

Jimmy Kimmel Live

I’ve been making a lot of jokes about this presidency becoming a reality show. I did not know the reality show would actually become a reality.

President Trump has nominated someone to serve on the Supreme Court. He was supposed to announce his pick on Thursday but then yesterday he tweeted that he’d made his decision and would announce it live tonight. This is the first time a Supreme Court nomination has ever interrupted an episode of “NCIS.”

Not only did the White House do everything they could to keep the nomination secret to build suspense, they brought in Trump’s final two choices, Judge Neil Gorsuch from Denver and Judge Thomas Hardiman from Pittsburgh, to see which one — that’s right, [Trump] Ryan Seacrested his choice for the Supreme Court. Like a two-on-one date on “The Bachelor.”

You know who it was a surprise for? The guy who drove all the way out from Pittsburgh to not get picked as Supreme Court judge.

The one [staffer] I believe will be leaving first — mark my words, for whatever reason they give, he will be seeking other opportunities by the end of the year — is press secretary Sean Spicer. He is the guy who every day has to get up in front of his colleagues, a room full of reporters who he used to be friends with, to attempt to explain what the hell is going on.

President Trump, as you know, believes he would have won the popular vote had there not been what he says are 3 million to 5 million illegal votes cast. The expert whose work Trump cites as evidence of this is a guy named Greg g Phillips, who according to the Associated Press is registered to vote in three states.

He’s registered to vote in Alabama, Mississippi, and Texas. You know the saying, in order to stop voter fraud, you have to be willing to commit voter fraud. Maybe he’s going undercover.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

According to a new poll, Chris Christie currently has the lowest approval rating for any governor in any state, in over 20 years. ”Wow,” said former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich from prison.

President Trump today met with executives from the pharmaceutical industry, and they once again explained to him that there’s no such thing as Viagra for your hands.

Ikea has designed an emergency shelter that contains 68 components, and can be assembled in four hours. Unfortunately [shows photo of scowling Trump] we don’t have that kind of time.

Do you think Donald Trump is happy to see his wife eating diamonds on the cover of “Vanity Fair?” Or mad because they put his quote in Spanish? And if it’s in Spanish, does that mean they had to translate Trump’s original quote from Russian?

The Westminster Dog Show has added three new breeds to its annual events. Said the dogs, “Yeah, last year’s after party got pretty wild.”

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

Trump’s SCOTUS nominee is federal judge Neil Gorsuch! No surprise he chose him. He is a strict constitutional originalist. That means he rules only as the Founding Fathers intended in cases like “Marbury v. Electricity Is the Devil’s Magic” and “The People v. Slavery Is Cool, Right?”

We’re just 10 days in and it feels like it’s total chaos at the White House. This is supposed to be the honeymoon. How could Trump blow the honeymoon? He’s had three of them.

Right or wrong, Trump’s immigration ban has been a PR disaster, with heartbreaking stories like the 5-year-old boy who was detained for more than four hours and reportedly handcuffed. AND he’s a U.S. citizen!

Now this sounds bad, but yesterday White House press secretary Sean Spicer defended the detainment [plays clip of Spicer]: “To assume that just because of someone’s age, or gender, or whatever, that they don’t pose a threat would be misguided and wrong.” Yeah, NOT handcuffing a child is a security risk. We all know kids go through stages — you’ve got the terrible twos, the fatwa fives, it’s absolutely terrifying.

Mon, 02/06/2017

Joke Day: #3812

From: 02/01/17
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 12

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Guys, it is the first day of February. Which of course is the shortest month, with just 28 days — as opposed to January, which felt like it had 200.

Last night, President Trump nominated Colorado Appeals Judge Neil Gorsuch to the Supreme Court. That’s right, he’s from Colorado. Which explains his most famous case, Regular Funyuns v. Flamin’ Hot Funyuns: “I hereby rule that they’re both awesome.”

We’re now learning a little bit more about Neil Gorsuch. For instance, I read that he actually has a barn where he raises horses, chickens, and goats. That experience will come in handy when he spends the rest of his life side-stepping all the crap in Washington.

Ahead of last night’s big Supreme Court announcement, President Trump brought both of his top two candidates to the White House. Trump said, “One of you will be the nominee, the other will go home crying in the back of a limo.”

Conan O'Brien

Scientists have discovered a long-lost continent under the Indian Ocean. After hearing about it, half of Americans asked, “When can we move there?”

It was announced that Hillary Clinton will deliver the commencement speech at Wellesley College. The title of Hillary’s speech will be “What’s the Point of Anything?”

In New York City, two supermodels joined a protest against Donald Trump’s Muslim ban. After hearing this, Trump said, “Maybe I should rethink things.”

It’s rumored that Melania Trump has decided not to live in the White House at all. Man, Donald Trump is keeping immigrants away left and right.

Today, a top football prospect for Michigan State was unable to sign his letter of intent because he’s in jail. Sounds like somebody’s ready for the NFL!

Tue, 02/07/2017

Joke Day: #3813

From: 02/01/17
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 13

The Late Late Show with James Corden

There’s a story out of Ireland where residents in a small town are upset after repeatedly getting late-night phone calls from people dialing the wrong number when they’re trying to reach a phone sex line called Babestation. The saddest part about this story is residents are getting woken up by these calls in the year 2017; people are still calling phone sex lines. You know about the internet, right?

Some of these Irish guys waking up are saying, “Stop calling this number, this is not a phone sex line,” and then their wives are like, “Yes, nobody here is making extra money on the side as a phone sex operator. It’s a totally wrong number. I’ll call you back.”

Can you imagine an Irish phone sex hotline? It would just be, “I want to speak to a redhead,” and they’d be like, “OK, which one? There are 11 of us here.”

There is a new restaurant in Spain that just opened where everybody dines in the restaurant completely naked. And you thought it was awkward going to dinner with your parents before.

Everyone in there is fully nude. Because who amongst us hasn’t been in a crowded locker room and thought, “Man, I wish I could eat here?”

Late Night With Seth Meyers

President Trump referred to CNN as “fake news” during a Black History Month event, today. Said CNN, “No, it really is Black History Month.”

Hillary Clinton will be the 2017 commencement speaker at Wellesley College — while Joe Biden is getting ready for freshman orientation at UMass.

Former President Obama was spotted on vacation in the Virgin Islands yesterday, wearing a backwards baseball cap and flip-flops, and completely ignoring the Bat Signal.

New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie yesterday slammed the rollout of President Trump’s executive order on immigration, saying it was terrible. Christie added, “It was the worst rollout since that time I got stuck in a hammock.”

CNN will host a debate next week between Sens. Ted Cruz and Bernie Sanders. They’re calling it “Alien vs. Senator.”

Hillary Clinton is reportedly writing a book of personal essays due to be released this fall. It will be the first political memoir written entirely in all caps.

Wed, 02/08/2017

Joke Day: #3814

From: 02/02/17
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 14

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Today is Groundhog Day, and Punxsutawney Phil came out of his burrow, and was immediately captured and detained for extreme vetting. Things have changed since last year, Phil.

That’s right, today was Groundhog Day. The groundhog looked down and saw six more executive orders.

President Trump spoke at the National Prayer Breakfast this morning. Of course, ever since he was elected, every breakfast is a prayer breakfast. “Please, God, don’t let these be my last Froot Loops.”

President Trump today had lunch with Harley Davidson executives. Oh, I guess that’s why he was wearing that helmet. “I want a motorcycle helmet — gold, no strap.”

According to President Trump’s doctor, Trump takes four different pills every day. Well, it’s actually one pill cut into four pieces that are small enough for him to hold.

Analysts are noting that Instagram is the only major social media network where President Trump does not have a strong presence. Yeah, he’s got more of a face for Twitter.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

Happy Groundhog Day! I don’t know if you saw the late-breaking news, but today America’s foremost psychic rodent, Punxsutawney Phil, came out of his hole and indeed saw his shadow. So the bad news is six more weeks of winter. The good news — we have six more weeks!

On Saturday, our president spoke with Australian Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull and lashed out at Turnbull on the phone call. Please don’t pick a fight with Australia! They’ll cut off our supply of Uggs, koala jerky, and Hugh Jackman.

Trump was upset about a previous agreement for the U.S. to accept over 1,000 refugees being held in Australia, tweeting, “Do you believe it? The Obama administration agreed to take thousands of illegal immigrants from Australia. Why? I will study this dumb deal!” What? Don’t you know humanitarian aid is not a deal? UNICEF doesn’t go to refugee camps and say, “All right, I’ll trade you this bag of rice for your juice box and a Captain America pencil.”

Thu, 02/09/2017

Joke Day: #3815

From: 02/02/17
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 15

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Today is Groundhog Day. Punxsutawney Phil came out and saw his shadow, which means Trump is going to start fights with six more countries.

Trump is causing all kinds of trouble this week. In fact, Israel just had to apologize to Mexico, after their prime minister tweeted support for Trump’s border wall. So not only has Trump failed to solve the Middle East conflict, somehow he’s dragged Mexico in the middle of it.

White House press secretary Sean Spicer announced that four reporters would receive Skype seats for press briefings rather than being there in person. Spicer said he picked the four reporters at random. Then said: “CNN, BuzzFeed, The New York Times, and Telemundo.” Just random names.

Hooters is opening a new chain of restaurant called Hoots, where they’re ditching their revealing outfits. They’re going to have male servers and . . . they just went out of business.

It was announced yesterday that the 2020 Summer Olympics in Tokyo will make all of its medals from recycled cellphones. Well, they’re going to make the Olympic torch out of a Samsung Galaxy.

The Late Late Show with James Corden

Today was Groundhog Day, the day where we predict six more weeks of winter if the groundhog sees his shadow. The groundhog has been predicting weather since 1887 and has been wrong 61 percent of the time. And yet, this is still front-page news every year. So I guess fake news isn’t a recent phenomenon.

You know that this isn’t actually based on any science, right? And for that reason, Donald Trump has just appointed the groundhog to a special committee on climate change.

A study was conducted which examined dogs’ responses to different genres of music. The study has found the music dogs love the most was reggae music. They saw a huge change in dogs after playing them reggae music. Meanwhile, a different study has found that cats still hate everything.

The government in France has instituted a national ban on refills for sugary soft drinks. That’s right, it’s illegal to refill your soda but don’t worry, you are still allowed to mime getting a refill.

Two students in England were hospitalized after taking part in a caffeine research study where they were accidentally given the equivalent of 300 cups of coffee. This accident resulted from putting a decimal point in the wrong place. And the lab technician responsible said, “I’m sorry, I didn’t have my morning coffee.”

Fri, 02/10/2017

Joke Day: #3816

From: 02/06/17

Top of Page   Joke: 16

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Congratulations to the New England Patriots, who won their fifth Super Bowl last night. You can tell that they’ve won a lot because when the commissioner presented the trophy, they just said, "Eh, just throw it in the car."

Last night was also the first Super Bowl to ever go into overtime. Millions of Americans were like, "Great, more awkward small talk with my brother-in-law."

That’s right, it was the first Super Bowl to ever go into overtime, which means right when George H.W. Bush was getting in bed they called and said, "We need you for another coin toss."

The world’s most expensive Lego brick, made out of 14 karat gold, just sold online for $15,000. The new owner says he’s pleased to add it to his collection and it just got vacuumed up by his mom.

"50 Shades Darker" just released a new immersive virtual reality experience that claims to take you inside the movie. Or as wives everywhere put it, "Here’s my credit card. Why don't you and the kids go to the mall for a couple of hours?"

Conan O'Brien

After yesterday’s closely fought Super Bowl, the Patriots were congratulated by Donald Trump. And the Falcons got a call from Hillary saying, “Welcome to my world, fellas.”

According to a report, Mark Wahlberg left the Super Bowl during the third quarter because the Patriots were losing. He didn’t leave alone; the Falcons' defense went with him.

Yesterday shortly after the Super Bowl, a brand-new dad named his baby after Tom Brady. Yeah, the baby’s name is Lucky Bastard Jones. Good name for a kid.

President Trump has sworn off McDonald’s and KFC. Not only that, he’s trying to get Chipotle deported.

Ninety-seven tech companies have filed a legal brief opposing Donald Trump’s travel ban. Took a week though because all their IT guys were detained at the airport.

Drug dealers are now stamping individually wrapped heroin packets with Donald Trump’s face. So finally a Trump-branded product that people actually want to buy. It’s selling like crazy.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

The New England Patriots made what turned out to be the biggest comeback in Super Bowl history to beat the Atlanta Falcons in overtime last night. Who doesn’t like to see the overdogs win?

Just like the election — a rich white guy married to a model from another country, who seemingly had no chance of winning, actually did win.

The Falcons were up 21-3 at halftime. And then Lady Gaga got the Patriots all fired up and they came out and that comeback really was — I am now 100 percent convinced that Tom Brady is one of those “Westworld” robots.

Advertisers paid more than $5 million for a 30-second commercial, which seems like too much money to remind us that avocados exist. Isn’t running an ad for avocados on Super Bowl Sunday too late? It’s the one day of the year we’re already eating avocados.

We’d rather waste that money on a commercial for dip you will make maybe twice a year.

Last night Tom Brady’s jersey went missing. The jersey Tom Brady wore during the game, he stuffed it in his bag; when he was collecting his stuff, it was not in the bag anymore, it’s gone. The game was in Houston, so the lieutenant governor of Texas today asked the Texas Rangers — the real Texas Rangers, not the baseball team — to help the Houston Police Department find Tom Brady’s jersey. It’s only a matter of time before President Trump calls the National Guard in on this.

Mark Wahlberg left early, so he didn’t steal it. Maybe it was the equipment manager Brady blamed for deflating those footballs. I hope it was him, because he deserves that $500,000 or whatever they’re going to get for it.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady was named Super Bowl MVP last night. Donald Trump was also named MVP, but it stood for “Mrs. Vladimir Putin.”

A man ate 409 chicken wings to become champion of Philadelphia’s Wing Bowl over the weekend, which was unfortunately too many words to fit on his tombstone.

On Saturday, Trump faced his third weekend straight of nationwide protests, including at his Palm Beach resort, Mar-a-Lago, where he was staying. Will the protests get to Trump? Well, a longtime ally, Roger Stone, told Politico, “Donald used to come and go as he pleases, and now he can’t and he has protesters on top of that. Mar-a-Lago is like an oasis for him. But if he feels he can’t go there to unwind, I wonder if it will make him go crazy.” Make him go crazy? Has this been the sane version of Trump this whole time?

On Sunday, a deputy White House press secretary told CBS News, “Trump has some meetings and may play a few holes of golf.” Which isn’t a big deal. All presidents play golf. It’s a presidential sport. You wouldn’t want your president playing football.” Though, if Trump did, that would explain the concussion symptoms.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

Everyone watch the Super Bowl last night? Incredible. Full of surprises. The biggest comeback in Super Bowl history. Atlanta hasn’t been burned this badly since 1864.

The Falcons were running away with it. I almost turned it off. It was 28-3. Then in the third quarter, FBI Director James Comey announced he was opening an investigation into Matt Ryan’s emails. He claims it had no effect — I think it did. It rattled Ryan, clearly.

The game is fun, but we all know everyone really tunes in for Bill O’Reilly’s interview with President Trump. Of course O’Reilly asked about the administration’s head coach, Vladimir Putin. [plays clip] O’Reilly: “Do you respect Putin?” Trump: “I do respect him.” O’Reilly: “Putin’s a killer.” Trump: “We've got a lot killers. What, do you think our country’s so innocent?” Ooh, I know that one: Yes!

A president of the United States said, “You think our country’s so innocent?” Has there ever been a president who hates America more? I mean, besides Jefferson Davis.

Sat, 02/11/2017

Joke Day: #3817

From: 02/07/17

Top of Page   Joke: 17

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Today, the Senate officially confirmed Betsy DeVos as education secretary, with a vote of 51 to 50. Or as Trump calls that, “a landslide.”

It was actually a 50-50 tie vote that was broken by the vice president. Which makes the vote for education secretary the only place where a 51 is a passing grade.

The Patriots celebrated their big Super Bowl win up in Boston. But I read that Tom Brady is still trying to track down his jersey that went missing after the game. Then O.J. said, “Whatever you do, just don’t try to STEAL it back.”

Kylie Minogue won a legal battle against Kylie Jenner over the trademark of the name “Kylie.” Yeah, the judge called the case “not why I went to law school.”

Merriam-Webster dictionary added over 1,000 new words today, including the word “photobomb.” They didn’t WANT to add “photobomb,” but it jumped in at the last second and kinda ruined the dictionary.

Conan O'Brien

President Trump claimed that the media is not reporting on acts of terrorism on American soil. In response, the media said, “Actually, we think we’re covering your presidency quite well.”

At a closed-door meeting, some Republicans said they fear for their physical safety if they repeal Obamacare. In other words, Republicans are now in the awkward position of needing Obamacare if they get rid of Obamacare.

It’s come out that Education Secretary Betsy DeVos, who many think is unqualified, gave big contributions to half the Republican Senators who voted for her. Or as Betsy DeVos calls it, “75 percent of them.”

Vladimir Putin is scheduled to play an exhibition hockey game against former professional hockey players. Putin is scheduled to win by 12 goals.

New research predicts that in 65 billion years, the moon will crash into the Earth. After hearing this, half of America said, “Hey, can we move that up a bit? How about Wednesday?”

The news is currently that spinning image of a newspaper, but it never stops spinning.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

It is a holiday in Boston because the quarterback for the New England Patriots, Tom Brady, declared it a holiday. I did not know he had the power to do that. He gave everyone the day off today. I don’t think the mayor’s even allowed to give people — has an athlete ever overthrown a city government before?

What if he decides to use his powers for evil? You know, Tom Brady is gluten free, what if he makes everyone go gluten free? You order a lobster roll, you get a handful of seafood.

I also want to say something to Falcons fans: Don’t be sad. You had a great season. Second place. Look at Katharine McPhee, OK? Remember that.

In Washington today, there was no victory parade for President Trump’s pick to run the Department of Education. The Democrats pulled an all-nighter in the Senate to try to get one more Republican to vote against her. They could not do that and Betsy DeVos squeaked in 51-50, which is terrible news for Democrats and even worse news for grizzly bears.

This is what President Obama has been up to: kite surfing in the Virgin Islands with Richard Branson. [shows photos of kite-surfing, laughing Obama] Look at him, not an Obama care in the world.

That is the smile of a man who had no idea he might not be allowed back in the country.

President Trump is mad as a hornet. He tweeted this morning, “I don’t know Putin, have no deals in Russia, and the haters are going crazy. Yet Obama can make a deal with Iran, #1 in terror, no problem.” You know, there actually was a time in our history when if a president used the phrase “haters are going crazy,” we might be alarmed. We might even be told to remain in our homes if the haters were going crazy.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Vice President Mike Pence today cast the tie-breaking vote to confirm controversial education secretary nominee Betsy DeVos. And if you don’t know what that means, you’re probably Betsy DeVos.

Billionaire Richard Branson recently released a video of former President Obama kite-surfing with him in the Virgin Islands. Hey, man, I get that you don’t have to deal with all this anymore, but could you not rub it in? This is why people un-friend their exes on Facebook.

According to a recent survey, 71 percent of men find it attractive when a woman offers to split the bill on a date. And zero percent of women find it attractive when that offer is accepted.

According to a new survey, almost a third of people say their co-workers spend more time talking about politics than business. “Thank God that’s not the case where I work,” said Mike Pence.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

Steve Bannon is Donald Trump’s senior strategist. A lot of people are saying that he’s the guy really running the White House, but I’m not sure I believe that, because there’s no proof that anyone’s running the White House right now.

The Senate confirmed Education Secretary Betsy DeVos. Now, there are 100 senators. She got the votes of only half of them. So her first act is to make 50 count as a passing grade.

DeVos, our secretary of education, has never attended, worked in, or sent her kids to public school. So how did she get the nomination? Well, there’s a tiny chance that money played a role, since DeVos’ family gave around $200 million to Republican causes, including donations to four senators on the committee overseeing her confirmation. Oooh, that reminds me of a math problem! “Betsy has $200 million. She needs 50 votes. How much money can she give to each senator to make sure public schools get less?”

The list is loaded with typos, like “attaker” instead of “attacker” and “Denmakr” instead of “Denmark.” So at least we know Steve Bannon isn’t a grammar Nazi.

Sun, 02/12/2017

Joke Day: #3818

From: 02/08/17

Top of Page   Joke: 18

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

A huge snowstorm is headed toward New York. Actually, the snowstorm is hitting the entire Northeast. In fact, Boston public schools have already announced that they’ll be closed tomorrow. Kids in Boston are like, “Are you kidding? We haven’t been in school since the Patriots won the Super Bowl!”

This morning President Trump actually went on Twitter to criticize Nordstrom for dropping his daughter Ivanka’s line and treating her unfairly. While Trump’s tweeting about a department store, a lot of people are wondering what the return policy is for presidents.

It seems like every day Trump’s upset about something else. And I guess now — this is real — he is complaining that the hand towels on Air Force One are not soft enough. Then the flight attendant said, “Sir, that’s my skirt.”

Another big story is Trump’s travel ban. Earlier today, he defended the ban by saying, “Even a bad high school student would support it.” And Betsy DeVos said, “And thanks to me, we’ll have plenty of those.”

Conan O'Brien

On Monday in Vermont, a barrel of maple syrup fell off a truck and spilled all over the highway. Luckily, it broad-sided a French toast truck.

In North Carolina, a mother is suing a daycare center because one of the workers there breastfed her son without permission. Authorities say she doesn’t really have a case because her son is 32.

Last night, CBS anchor Scott Pelley began the evening news by saying President Trump is “divorced from reality.” After hearing this, Trump said, “Oh, great, now I have to start paying reality?”

A Trump administration official said that whenever the media criticizes the president, they will call it “fake news.” And, whenever the media praises the president, they will call it “Fox News.”

Last night, Sen. Mitch McConnell silenced Sen. Elizabeth Warren using an old Senate rule. It’s the 1930s statute known as “No Mouthy Broads.”

Yesterday, Donald Trump repeated his false assertion that America’s murder rate is the highest it’s been in 47 years. Then someone pointed out to Trump that he was just binge watching “Game of Thrones.”

Jimmy Kimmel Live

We’re now less than a week away from V-Day. Valentine’s Day is a test. It’s a test of your commitment, your preparedness, a test of whether you love someone enough to waste $100 on flowers that on any other day of the year would cost you $30.

Even if you don’t spend a dollar for Valentine’s Day, you have to do something. Here’s a tip: If you don’t have money this year, you don’t need money. Go to the store and steal something. Show her that you’re willing to go to prison just to win her love or his love. Either way you’re going to prison.

Speaking of prisoners, this should be an interesting Valentine’s Day at the White House. For instance, will Donald Trump get flowers from Vladimir Putin? We don’t know.

And what about his wife Melania? Will they spend the night together or will she remain trapped like Rapunzel at their apartment in New York? Melania has a new line of greeting cards. They carry them at CVS: “Happy Valentine’s Day” (open it) “Save Me.”

Today is National Kite Flying Day. Why we have this in February, I have no idea. Having National Kite Flying Day in February is like having National Snowman Building Day in July. This is where the kite lobby put it. See, this is the sort of thing President Trump needs to look into if he wants to make America great again.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

White House press secretary Sean Spicer said today that Nordstrom’s decision to stop carrying Ivanka Trump’s clothing line is “an attack on the president’s policies and his daughter.” Well, that’s what his mouth said; his eyes said, “Help me, my boss is insane!”

Sean Spicer said that Nordstrom’s decision to stop carrying Ivanka Trump’s clothing line is an attack on the president, and he’s also mad at Men’s Wearhouse, because he does not like the way he looks.

Five other retailers, including Neiman Marcus, also announced that they are dropping Ivanka Trump’s fashion line, while AutoZone announced they’ll no longer carry Eric and Donald Jr.’s hair grease.

The latest polls show President Trump has an approval rating in the low 40s, which means he’s probably about to dump it for one in the low 20s.

In a recent interview, President Trump revealed he has only been sleeping four or five hours a night. While Ben Carson is still getting a solid 24.

Mon, 02/13/2017

Joke Day: #3819

From: 02/09/17

Top of Page   Joke: 19

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Today the East Coast was hit with a major snowstorm and it forced New York City public schools to close. When she heard that, new Education Secretary Betsy DeVos was like, “Hey, my plan’s working already.”

Nordstrom’s stock went up after President Trump attacked them on Twitter for dropping Ivanka’s clothing line. Then RadioShack said, “Would you mind attacking us?”

Shaquille O’Neal says that he’s trying to eat healthier. He’s cut soda, bread, sandwiches, and fast food out of his diet. When asked what he’s eating instead he said, “Mostly trees.”

The Baltimore airport just got a gym where you can work out while you wait for a flight. Finally combining the two things Americans love most — waiting in airports and exercise.

There’s a fitness center at the Baltimore airport. So now instead of just sitting around during long layovers you can spend that time feeling guilty about not going to the gym.

Conan O'Brien

A recent study found that the number of monarch butterflies migrating to Mexico from the U.S. has dropped by 27 percent. Apparently the butterflies are afraid if they go from the U.S. to Mexico, they won’t be allowed back in.

Yesterday, without mentioning Donald Trump, Pope Francis urged everyone to build bridges, not walls. So today, without mentioning the Pope, Donald Trump said, “Francis is a girl’s name.”

A federal court has ruled against President Trump’s travel ban, and at 3:35 Trump tweeted in all-caps, “SEE YOU IN COURT.” Then again, Trump tweets “SEE YOU IN COURT” to someone every day at 3:35.

Facebook has just added a new tool for finding help during disasters. Unfortunately, then Facebook shows you photos of your friends having a much better time during their disasters.

For Valentine’s Day, some KFCs are letting you send a loved one a heart-shaped bucket of fried chicken. And even better, if you really hate someone, you can send them two buckets.

Nintendo is releasing a video game that lets you simulate taking care of a baby. When they heard this, gamers said, “Hey, call me when you have one that simulates MAKING one.”

Late Night With Seth Meyers

President Trump will host Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau at the White House next week. Are you sure that’s a good idea? That’s like your wife bringing Margot Robbie home for dinner. We’re not gonna hear anything you say for a month after that.

A snowstorm in the Northeast today caused many schools in the area to close. Said Betsy DeVos, “What? The school closures weren’t supposed to start yet.”

According to a new poll, 72 percent of Americans are either very concerned, or somewhat concerned, about climate change, while others [shows photo of laughing Obama kite-surfing] are just making the best of it.

Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer’s office recently reported that it gets around 1.5 million calls from constituents per day, but most of them are just people asking him to push up his glasses.

Florida firefighters yesterday rescued a man who was trapped inside a garbage truck. “Thank you!” yelled Steve Bannon.

Tue, 02/14/2017

Joke Day: #3820

From: 02/13/17
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 20

Jimmy Kimmel Live

This is the president’s second weekend in a row at Mar-a-Lago, the resort he owns in Palm Beach, where he played golf and dined with the prime minister of Japan, Shinzo Abe. So on Saturday night they got the news that North Korea test-launched an intermediate-range missile. They decided to work that out over dinner, at a table in the middle of the Mar-a-Lago dining room surrounded by members of this club. Instead of getting and up going somewhere private they continued to eat while advisers rushed back and forth to the table handing them documents alongside the busboys handing them food. They used the flashlights on their cellphones to read these documents, like old men trying to see a menu. And in the end, they decided to impose more sanctions and also to split a tiramisu.

You know, if you’re going to hold a classified meeting in a public place, you do it somewhere where there aren’t any people. Like a RadioShack, for instance.

Today the president was back in work in Washington, D.C. He met with the Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau. Went OK. They shook hands for a reasonable amount of time, which was good. Am I the only one who gets nervous every time he meets a new world leader? It’s like introducing a heavily tattooed girlfriend to your parents.

Tomorrow, by the way, is Valentine’s Day. This is the first you’re hearing it? Good luck with your next marriage.

The funniest place to be on Valentine’s Day is the drugstore checkout line at around 7 p.m. The only place you’ll see desperation like that is at a casino in Vegas, standing in line for the ATM.

I have to say it’s kind of unromantic that Valentine’s Day falls on Tuesday. Tuesday is -- not even “The Bachelor” has sex on a Tuesday.

Have you seen the White House Valentine’s Day cards? These are cards like the ones kids give out in school, but each of these features a character from the Trump administration. We have Dr. Ben Carson, “Loving you isn’t brain surgery.” Kellyanne Conway, “My love for you is as real as the Bowling Green Massacre.” Steve Bannon, “Will you be mein?” Press secretary Sean Spicer, “Help me fake my death, Valentine.” That’s dark.

Trump’s sons, Eric and Donald Jr., “Love is blind, unlike the trust we run for our father.” Vice President Mike Pence, “This is a totally heterosexual Valentine’s card between a man and a woman.” Vlad Putin, “Your love makes you weak.” First lady Melania Trump, “I almost love you enough to leave New York.” And finally President Trump, “I’m building a wall around your heart and making you pay for it.”

Late Night With Seth Meyers

President Trump will reportedly have lunch with Chris Christie tomorrow. ”Just the salad, please,” said Christie when asked if there was anything on the menu he didn’t want.

During their Grammy performance last night, rap group A Tribe Called Quest referred to President Trump as President Agent Orange. It’s the closest Trump has come to being involved in Vietnam.

Today was Clean Out Your Computer Day. And, if you’re a 14-year-old boy, use bleach.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

This week Donald Trump took Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe down to Mar-a-Lago. They were eating their dinners when they received news that North Korea had test-launched a ballistic missile. This is a provocation by a rogue nuclear state, so President Trump immediately retreated to a secure location where he could be briefed on the details. I'm just kidding!

Other diners even posted Facebook photos of Trump and Abe looking at what one imagines are classified documents by the light of someone’s cellphone flash light. But I’m sure those documents are secure unless that cellphone flash light also somehow has a camera attached to it.

Another guy posted Facebook photos of himself with the guy who carries around the nuclear launch codes, identifying the staffer by name. “This is Rick. Rick is the man.” Or more accurately, Rick WAS the man, until his identity was compromised next to the carving station.

The guy has since taken down the Facebook post. And I can’t blame him. He only got 20 likes. A post about the nuclear launch codes really should have blown up.

Wed, 02/15/2017

Joke Day: #3821

From: 02/13/17
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 21

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day! Which means in 24 hours, guys all across the country will be telling their loved ones, “I thought you said we weren’t doing gifts this year.”

Adele was the big winner at the Grammys last night. But get this — after winning for Best Album, Adele said she thought Beyoncé should have won instead. Then Kanye was like, “Damn, she beat me to it!” and went back to his seat.

During his performance with A Tribe Called Quest, Busta Rhymes referred to President Trump as “President Agent Orange.” Then the Secret Service said, “Great, now he needs a new code name!”

This weekend at his Mar-a-Lago resort in Florida, President Trump apparently discussed sensitive information about a North Korean missile launch in front of waiters and other guests. The guests said they won’t share what they overheard, while the waiter said [speaks in Russian accent], “No promises.”

Conan O'Brien

Scott Baio said he is furious with Nordstrom for dropping Ivanka Trump’s clothing line. But mostly, Baio’s mad at Nordstrom for cutting his hours working in the stockroom.

On Valentine’s Day, the most popular search terms on Pornhub are “love” and “romance.” Those searches result in the message, “What’s your problem? This is Pornhub.”

Last night at the Grammys, Adele started a tribute to George Michael but messed up and so she started over. She was on such a roll that she won the Grammy for Best Mistake.

Adele won five Grammys while Beyoncé only won two. And if that weren’t enough, Adele then announced she was pregnant with triplets.

Scientists are hoping to use quinoa to fight world hunger. After hearing this, hungry people all around the world said, “Actually, we’re good.”

At an international tennis match, U.S. officials accidentally played the Nazi national anthem. White House adviser Steve Bannon was outraged and said, “We’re not rolling that out till August — c’mon!”

The U.S. Army has officially lifted its ban on soldiers having dreadlocks. This is good news for the Army’s elite Hacky Sack Corps.

The Late Late Show with James Corden

The Grammys were incredible — you want to talk about bold performances, CeeLo Green came to the Grammys dressed head-to-toe in gold. He looks like he escaped from a secret room in Trump Tower.

He waved at me before the show and I was like, “Wait, am I at a science fiction convention? Did I go to Comic-Con by mistake?”

You know that costume probably seemed like a good idea yesterday, and tonight Cee Lo’s still finding gold paint in all kinds of places.

Yesterday an official government tweet was posted for Black History Month, celebrating civil rights activist W.E.B. Du Bois. There were two problems with the tweet. One was Du Bois’ name was spelled wrong — and the other problem was the tweet was posted by the Department of Education. Now, I know Republicans don’t believe there should be a Department of Education but this seems like the wrong way to prove it.

But it gets worse: They tweeted an apology for their mistake. It says, “Our deepest apologizes.” Well, apologizes accepted.

I don’t know who at the Department of Education wrote this tweet, but whoever it is should have been held back a year. Or at least make them go back and repeat Black History Month.

Thu, 02/16/2017

Joke Day: #3822

From: 02/15/17
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 22

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Israel Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu said today that there is no greater supporter of the Jewish state than President Trump. Said Trump, “Absolutely, I love Florida. Fantastic Jewish state.”

Defense officials are reporting that a Russian spy ship has been spotted patrolling 30 miles off the coast of the United States. Said one U.S. official [shows photo of Trump], “Oh, that’s my Uber.”

Burger King is reportedly close to buying Popeye's Chicken. Wow, Burger King must be really drunk.

Astronomers reportedly discovered 60 new planets near our solar system. “How are the schools?” asked Melania.

Taco Bell has announced plans to offer a $600 wedding service at its flagship restaurant in Las Vegas. And this is cool — the burritos are conveniently wrapped in divorce papers.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

We just learned from multiple intelligence sources that Trump aides were, quote, “in constant touch with senior Russian officials during the campaign.” Constant Touch, by the way, is also Trump’s Secret Service code name.

This afternoon, we learned that Trump’s secretary of labor nominee, Andy Puzder, has withdrawn his nomination. Just to be clear, this is not a scandal. He says he just wants to spend more time with Michael Flynn.

The CEO of Hardee’s and Carl’s Jr. was controversial for many reasons. He had an undocumented housekeeper, made ads that famously objectified women, and called his own fast food employees “the worst of the worst.” That’s not right. Hardee’s employees are great. It’s the food that’s the worst of the worst.

Trump held a press conference today because in the middle of all this insanity, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu visited the White House. As a courtesy, Trump asked his staff to put a 24-hour hold on retweeting neo-Nazis. That’s just good manners.

Fri, 02/17/2017

Joke Day: #3823

From: 02/15/17
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 23

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

The big story is that last night, The New York Times published a bombshell report that President Trump’s campaign was in contact with Russian intelligence since 2015. When asked if it was true, Trump said, “Nyet! I mean, no!”

Trump went on Twitter this morning and said that MSNBC and CNN are unwatchable. Then he said, “And I know, because I spend ALL DAY watching them.”

ABC just announced that Rachel Lindsay, a 31-year-old attorney, will be the first African-American to star as “The Bachelorette.” Even more impressive, she’s the first bachelorette with a real job!

Singer Elle King just revealed that she ate a bunch of pot muffins before the Grammys this year. Yeah, people noticed that she seemed high when she went up to make her acceptance speech — you know, ’cuz she didn’t win any awards.

A new report finds that over 55,000 bridges in the U.S. were found to have major structural problems last year. When asked how they’re going to fix them, the government was like, “Eh, we’ll cross that gaping hole when we get to it.”

Conan O'Brien

At the box office this past weekend, “Lego Batman” beat out the sequel to “Fifty Shades of Grey.” When asked for comment, the movie “Fifty Shades” said, “That’s OK, I like being dominated.”

Astronomers say they now know the approximate weight of the Milky Way. They found this out by adding 10 pounds to the Milky Way’s weight on its Tinder profile.

Thieves in London made off with $3 million worth of rare books from the Middle Ages. Authorities describe the suspect as “boring.”

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Congratulations are in order for a German shepherd by the name of Rumor. Rumor the German shepherd won best in show at the Westminster Kennel Club. This is a huge honor that the dog has no idea it received.

Those of you who have kids, or if you’re a weirdo adult with a dollhouse, probably know there’s a new American Girl Doll on the way. For the first time ever, this American Girl is a boy. His name is Logan Everett [shows doll photo]. I already don’t like him. He looks like the football player who joins the drama club just to pick up chicks.

Logan sells for $115. I’m not paying $115 to buy my daughter a creepy little boyfriend for her crib.

There are about 40 different American Girl Dolls but only one boy. He’s basically the Bachelor of the American Girl universe – they should have named him Nick.

Sat, 02/18/2017

Joke Day: #3824

From: 02/16/17
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 24

Jimmy Kimmel Live

There is so much going on in the world right now. Not just in the world, there’s a lot going on in the universe. For those of you who are looking to get off the planet, astronomers at the Carnegie Institution discovered more than 100 potential planets that may be habitable, which means we’re one step closer to finding a planet with intelligent life.

It’s exciting, especially for members of the scientific community — this is on the level of, like, a-woman-brushing-up-against-them-on-the-subway exciting.

This might not be the best time to make contact with aliens. They say, “Take us to your leader.” What do we do at that time? “Our leader’s a little busy on Twitter right now. How about we take you to Oprah? She’s nice, you’ll like her.”

There were demonstrations across the country today to protest the president’s immigration policy. Immigrants were encouraged to skip work today for what they called “a day without immigrants,” or as Steve Bannon calls it, “a good start.”

There were marches in Philadelphia and Austin, Washington. Here in L.A., with no immigrants — we have a lot of immigrants here in L.A. — people were forced to babysit their own children. Arnold Schwarzenegger had to impregnate a meter maid today. It was awful.

A lot of coverage of this important protest got lost because the president decided to hold an impromptu press conference, and it was a sight to see. It reminded me of something you’d see before a pay-per-view boxing event. I guess he did it because he’s mad and wanted to blow off some steam.

The tone of the press conference was like if your dad found a pack of cigarettes under your mattress. He was mad. Talked for an hour and 17 minutes, which is more than he’s spoken to Melania all this year, the whole year.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Famed Watergate reporter Carl Bernstein told CNN yesterday that the Trump administration is trying to cover up its ties to Russia. Bernstein wouldn’t identify his source, but did say [shows photo of Mitch McConnell] he goes by the name Loose Throat.

Secretary of State Rex Tillerson today said that Russia must respect its international commitments toward Ukraine — and then he winked so hard he accidentally swallowed his eyebrow.

President Trump today tweeted that the “failing New York Times must apologize” for publishing leaks from his administration, but at this point, if they didn’t publish White House leaks, the whole paper would just be the crossword.

The makers of the board game Monopoly have announced that they are dropping the thimble token in favor of new pieces in the shape of emojis and hashtags. Although, if you’re trying to modernize Monopoly, maybe start with Oriental Avenue. We call it Asian-American Avenue now.

Sun, 02/19/2017

Joke Day: #3825

From: 02/16/17
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Earlier today, President Trump held a press conference where he insulted the media, criticized Hillary Clinton, and talked about a hypothetical nuclear holocaust. Even Sean Spicer was like, “You should not be talking to reporters.”

Earlier today, President Trump held a press conference where he insulted the media, criticized Hillary Clinton, and talked about a hypothetical nuclear holocaust. Even Sean Spicer was like, “You should not be talking to reporters.”

Trump also discussed the recent bombshell about his staff communicating with Russia, and he said that he hasn’t made a phone call to Russia in years. You could tell Trump was lying because his tie grew another three inches.

Conan O'Brien

The big news out of Washington right now is the press conference Donald Trump held this morning. Did everyone see it? No? Lucky you, sir.

This was in response to his secretary of labor withdrawing his nomination and Trump having to pick a replacement. Trump’s original pick, Andrew Puzder, is the CEO of Hardee’s and Carl’s Jr. But Puzder withdrew his nomination after it became clear he would not get confirmed. When asked what he was going to do next, Puzder said, “Please drive around to the second window and we can talk there.”

That’s how bad things are in the Trump administration right now. Someone asks you if you’d like to work in the White House and you’re like, “No thanks, I’d rather work at Carl’s Jr.”

As his replacement, Trump decided he needed a fast food leader with more political experience. Which is why the new nominee for labor secretary is none other than Mayor McCheese.

In this press conference, Trump claimed to have had the biggest electoral win since Reagan, and when a reporter pointed out that was false, Trump responded with — and I quote — “I’ve seen that information around.” Around? He saw this information “around?” What, like it was tacked to a bulletin board next to guitar lessons and a picture of a lost cat?

He said Hillary Clinton’s name 11 times during this press conference. Why is he still talking about Hillary Clinton? The election is over! Even lovesick teenage boys are like, “Move on, man. Let her go.”