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Joke of the Day

Day # Range: 3776 - 3800

Date Range: 12/20/16 ~ 01/17/17

Tue, 12/27/16

Joke Day: #3776

From: 12/20/16
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 01/25

Conan O'Brien

Today, Queen Elizabeth stepped down as the patron of children’s charities. The queen said, “I just realized I really hate kids.”

Donald Trump is saying “Merry Christmas” instead of “Happy Holidays.” Donald Trump said he’s a fan of Jesus because “I like guys who inherit their dad’s business and then think they’re God.”

Opera star Andrea Bocelli has backed out of performing at Donald Trump’s inauguration after pressure from his fans. So congratulations to his replacement, Chumbawamba.

Donald Trump said that after the election, he didn’t call Bill Clinton, but instead, “Bill Clinton called me.” Bill Clinton said, “Actually, I was calling for Melania and he answered the phone.”

A study has confirmed that eating less increases your lifespan. The study goes on to advise the residents of Wisconsin to get their affairs in order.

Health officials say there’s a new trend of women using marijuana during their pregnancy. This has given rise to another new trend — babies choosing to just stay in the womb and chill.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Well, there are only four days until Christmas. So, Hillary, just choose a tree already. You’ve been in the woods long enough. Choose a tree and come home, Hillary.

Netflix began streaming a biopic of President Obama this weekend called “Barry.” They’ll also air a documentary about Trump’s presidential win called “Barely.”

Donald Trump has now waited over four times longer than any other president-elect to hold a post-election press conference. He is basically treating the press like a Tinder date. They did every dirty thing he wanted and now he’s ignoring their texts.

Ford announced today that it will resume car production in Venezuela starting this April. Employees will celebrate with a Fiesta.

A novelty shop is selling a hipster nativity scene that features Joseph with his hair in a man bun. Which explains why Mary was so adamant about remaining a virgin.

Wed, 12/28/16

Joke Day: #3777

From: 12/20/16
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 02/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Yesterday, Donald Trump officially became the president-elect after 538 electors from the Electoral College cast their votes — and immediately after, Donald Trump claimed that 3 million of them voted illegally.

I want to say happy birthday to “Law & Order” creator Dick Wolf, who turned 70 today. And if you missed his party, don’t worry. It will repeat several times tonight and all day Sunday on the USA Network.

Facebook is testing a new group phone call feature that will let you talk on the phone with up to 50 friends at once. If you want to try it, you go to Facebook, you click on “Features,” and then select “Living Nightmare.”

Apple’s new operating system gets rid of the feature that tells you how much battery time you have left on your laptop. People will have no idea they’re about to lose power. Or as Democrats put it, “Been there.”

More millennials are looking to get rid of extra piercings and even remove their tattoos. Researchers say it’s due to a new phenomenon occurring among millennials called turning 30.

Thu, 12/29/16

Joke Day: #3778

From: 12/21/16
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 03/25

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Rudy Giuliani said this morning that even though Donald Trump passed him over for a position in his administration, Trump hasn't forgotten about him. Said Trump, "It's true. How could I ever forget Rudy Garziola? Gorgonzola, whatever. I'll never forget my good friend Judy."

Bill O'Reilly said last night that liberals want to eliminate the Electoral College because they want power taken away from the white establishment. Bill, you don't have to say, "White establishment." It's redundant. That's like saying ATM machine. The "M" means machine.

Vice president Joe Biden will reportedly work at the University of Pennsylvania once he leaves office. Apparently they had an opening for, "Cool R.A."

According to a recent study, Pokémon go players have collectively walked 5.7 billion miles while using the app. They've walked everywhere except into a job interview.

Fri, 12/30/16

Joke Day: #3779

From: 12/21/16
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 04/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Donald Trump loves Christmas. It's the one time of year where he can say, "Those are real, those are fake," and claim he was talking about Christmas trees.

Trump confirmed yesterday that he met with Mexican businessman Carlos slim recently. And I guess it went well, 'cause he later tweeted in all caps, "HE IS A GREAT GUY."

Even in print, Trump's way of communicating with foreigners is just speaking English louder.

Amazon's home assistance device, "The echo," is already sold out until after the holidays. In the meantime, if you want to yell at something to turn off the lights or music in your house, just try your kids.

Walmart will close two hours earlier this year on Christmas Eve, at 6:00. Yeah, but the meth lab in the bathroom will stay open until 9:00.

A new study found that marijuana use among people over 65 has gone up 250 percent in recent years. One woman said, "I like to smoke up before watching 'Jeopardy!' I call it my daily doobie."

Mon, 01/02/17

Joke Day: #3780

From: 1/2/2017

Top of Page   Joke: 05/25

The real problem

Tue, 01/03/17

Joke Day: #3781

From: Coming Soon

Top of Page   Joke: 06/25

The real problem

Wed, 01/04/17

Joke Day: #3782

From: Coming Soon

Top of Page   Joke: 07/25

The real problem

Thu, 01/05/17

Joke Day: #3783

From: Coming Soon

Top of Page   Joke: 08/25

The real problem

Fri, 01/06/17

Joke Day: #3784

From: 01/03/17

Top of Page   Joke: 09/25

The Late Late Show with James Corden

Yesterday Donald Trump tweeted at North Korea after they announced plans to test an intercontinental nuclear weapon. Trump tweeted, "It won't happen." I'd like to believe he's right, but "It won't happen" is exactly what everyone said about Trump becoming president.

I'm no expert, but I'm pretty sure you can't stop a nuclear missile by tweeting at it.

On New Year's Eve Trump tweeted: "Happy new year to all, including to my many enemies and those who have fought me and lost so badly they just don't know what to do. Love!" Enemies? The only people who admit to having "Enemies" are Donald Trump and 8th grade girls.

He yells at his enemies, then ends the tweet with the word "Love!" That's like getting a letter from your landlord that says, "I'm increasing the cost of your rent! Generosity!"

Sat, 01/07/17

Joke Day: #3785

From: 01/04/17
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 10/25

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

we're a little over two weeks from Trump's inauguration. Typically, you've got a bunch of stars there at the inauguration to perform for the new president. Reagan had Frank Sinatra, Clinton had Fleetwood Mac, George W. Bush had Ricky Martin, Obama had Beyonce. So, obviously, for Trump, everybody who's anybody is going to be there, except for anybody. Because he's having a wee bit of trouble getting famous acts to perform.

Turns out the Mormon tabernacle choir is scheduled to perform, but over the weekend, a choir member resigned because she didn't want to perform for Trump. Now the choir needs to fill that empty spot with a Mormon who has free time and can sing — Trump has a job for Mitt Romney after all!

Bill and Hillary Clinton will attend Trump's inauguration. I think that's very nice that she's being a gracious loser. And if you count the popular vote, a gracious winner.

Sun, 01/08/17

Joke Day: #3786

From: 01/04/17
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 11/25

The Late Late Show with James Corden

A man in Vietnam was hospitalized after doctors realized that he had a pair of scissors in his digestive system that had been left there by a previous surgery that he had 18 years ago. I mean this guy is so lucky. Come on, free scissors!

The sad part is after they sewed him up the second time the doctor was like wait, "where's my watch?"

If you feel bad for the guy who didn't know he had scissors inside him, imagine being the guy standing behind him in the TSA line.

Amazingly, he rarely suffered any pain over those 18 years. But from time to time he did get a bit snippy.

Mon, 01/09/17

Joke Day: #3787

From: 01/09/17
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 12/25

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

Last night, President-elect Trump was too focused on defeating ISIS and creating jobs to pick a fight with a celebrity — just kidding, he tweeted: "Meryl Streep, one of the most over-rated actresses in Hollywood..."

Look, Mr. Trump. You can refuse to release your taxes, you can call to ban an entire religion, you can play footsie with a dictator, but calling Meryl Streep overrated? No!

Trump spokeswoman and future award-winning Meryl Streep role Kellyanne Conway weighed in on the reporter controversy by explaining we shouldn't get hung up on little things like what Donald Trump says and does.

On Friday, the director of national intelligence released a report that found that Putin ordered the effort to undermine faith in the election and help Trump. Apparently, after Russia was embarrassed by the Olympic doping scandal, Putin wanted to discredit the image of the United States and cast it as hypocritical. Hey, Putin, we don't need any help looking hypocritical. Okay? We're the country that invented both chili cheese fries and open heart surgery. We got this one.

Tue, 01/10/17

Joke Day: #3788

From: 01/09/17
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 13/25

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Meryl Streep was given the Cecil B DeMille lifetime achievement award at the Golden Globes last night and used her acceptance speech to criticize Donald Trump. That’s right, the all-time queen of American drama was criticized by Meryl Streep.

The movie “La La Land” won a record seven Golden Globes last night. The movie tells the story of a struggling jazz musician named Sebastian, who against all odds, is white.

First Lady Michelle Obama gave her final White House speech on Friday where she told young people to quote, “never fear.” Though it was weird that she told old people to quote, “Watch your backs.”

More than 60 cities around the world celebrated the 16th annual No Pants Subway Ride yesterday. Or as that one guy on your train calls it, “Sunday.”

A man is claiming that his struggle with sleep-apnea caused him to grope a woman’s breasts on a flight. Said the woman, “Nice try, Mr. President-elect.”

Wed, 01/11/17

Joke Day: #3789

From: 01/09/17
(**Part 3**)

Top of Page   Joke: 14/25

The Late Late Show with James Corden

In a tense exchange yesterday, a U.S. Navy destroyer fired warning shots at fast-approaching Iranian naval ships. So of course, our president-elect tweeted about how overrated Meryl Streep is.

Meryl Streep's speech last night at the Golden Globes took direct aim at Donald Trump when she called him a bully. Of course, Trump responded in a tweet saying Streep is quote one of the most overrated actresses in Hollywood.

At a baptism service in the Sistine Chapel on Sunday Pope Francis advised the mothers in attendance that it was okay for them to breastfeed during the ceremony. He said this because there were many babies who were crying. I love that even the Pope is like, "oh my god, do whatever you have to do, just shut them up."

If you want to see real acting, just watch the Republican Congress as they pretend that everything's going to be okay for the next four years.

Today marks the 10-year anniversary of the iPhone. The Samsung Galaxy Note 7 even celebrated with a fireworks display.

Thu, 01/12/17

Joke Day: #3790

From: 01/09/17
(**Part 4**)

Top of Page   Joke: 15/25

Conan O'Brien

Over the weekend, Pope Francis gave his support to a woman who was publicly breastfeeding. The Pope defended himself saying, "I’m celibate, this is all I have."

Donald Trump is reportedly having multiple disagreements with his Defense Secretary pick, James "Mad Dog" Mattis. You know you’re in trouble when a guy named Mad Dog is telling you to take it down a notch.

Due to slow sales, Apple CEO Tim Cook has been given a 15 percent pay cut. Or as Cook is spinning it, he’s coming out with a thinner more lightweight wallet.

Later this month, Google will be testing its new self-driving minivans. The vehicles can do all the functions of a human driver, except wonder, "Christ, how did I end up driving a minivan?"

Donald Trump is making his son-in-law Jared Kushner a senior adviser to the Presidency. Today, Trump said, "I’ve looked into it and nothing’s ever gone wrong with a guy named Jared."

At last night’s Golden Globes, Meryl Streep criticized Donald Trump, then Trump tweeted that she is "overrated." "Overrated" is different from Trump’s normal insult for women, "over 40."

Sat, 01/14/17

Joke Day: #3791

From: 01/10/17
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 16/25

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Congratulations are in order for the Clemson Tigers, who won the college championship last night. They upset Alabama 35-31. Which was also the blood-alcohol content of most Clemson fans after that game.

Tonight on all the channels President Obama gave his farewell speech. It’s the Obama speech that Republicans have been looking forward to.

Obama said while he was preparing the speech, he said “I’m thinking about this as a chance to say thank you for an amazing journey” — sounds to me like someone’s been watching “The Bachelor.”

Late Night With Seth Meyers

After past accusations of racism, attorney general nominee Senator Jeff Sessions said today, “I abhor the Klan and its hateful ideology.” Though he refused to answer the follow-up question, “Ku Klux or Wu Tang?”

Sixty-three billion messages were sent this New Year’s Eve on the messaging service WhatsApp. And most of them read, “Are you watching Mariah Carey?”

Eric Trump recently said that the Trump Organization will “probably not” pursue business deals in Russia in the next few years. They’ll also “probably not” tell us if they do.

Music streaming app Spotify today offered President Obama a job as “President of Playlists.” And they say America isn’t racist – white ex-presidents get offered jobs as corporate lobbyists and they ask the black guy if he wants to be a DJ.

Sun, 01/15/17

Joke Day: #3792

From: 01/10/17
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 17/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

President Obama gave his farewell address tonight in Chicago and thousands of people waited outside in freezing temperatures to get tickets. Now those people have a week to get over their pneumonia before they lose their health insurance.

Rumors are circulating that Hillary Clinton could run for mayor of New York City later this year. While Bill could run to be the next “Naked Cowboy” in Times Square.

Hillary and Bill Clinton announced that they are going to attend Donald Trump’s inauguration next Friday. Trump was really excited when he heard because they’re the first celebrities that said they’ll actually go.

Even more awkward, she’s sitting right next to Putin

Conan O'Brien

It’s being reported Yahoo might be changing its name to Altaba. The announcement was made so people could get a jump start on saying, “You’re still using Altaba?”

Republican Senator Rand Paul said that this week he will introduce a GOP replacement plan for Obamacare. The new comprehensive health initiative will be called “Don’t Get Sick.”

CNN is reporting that the Russians have disgusting and damaging information about Donald Trump. Apparently, the Russian report on Trump contains “everything we already know.”

On Twitter, porn actress Jenna Jameson bashed Meryl Streep for her Golden Globe speech. Wow, it’s going to be awkward the next time Jameson and Streep do a movie together.

A man has finally been arrested for changing the famous Hollywood sign to read “Hollyweed.” In other words, we’re punishing the first stoner in the world to actually show some initiative.

The Late Late Show with James Corden

Today on Capitol Hill, Trump’s pick for attorney general, Jeff Sessions, was grilled by senators during the first confirmation hearing of the Trump administration. Sessions is a controversial pick. For instance, in the past, he’s been a vocal opponent of marijuana legalization. At one point he said, “Good people don’t smoke marijuana.” That dude needs to chill out and smoke some marijuana.

Another controversial moment was in 1986, when Sessions was accused of racism while up for a federal judgeship. Sessions responded, “I am not a racist. I am not insensitive to blacks.” And as everyone knows, the best way to prove you’re not a racist is to use the term “blacks.”

Donald Trump appointed his son-in-law, Jared Kushner, as White House senior adviser. I bet when they first met, Trump was like, “What are your intentions with my daughter?” Kushner was like, “I’ll be honest. I’m just sleeping with her to get close to you.” And Trump was like, “Nice.”

Mon, 01/16/17

Joke Day: #3793

From: 01/11/17

Top of Page   Joke: 18/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Donald and Melania Trump are scheduled to ride with the Obamas to the Capitol on Inauguration Day. And you thought your Uber pool was uncomfortable.

Obama offered to leave behind the swing set that he had installed for his kids so that Trump’s grandkids could use it, but Trump turned him down. Trump said he’ll be building a bigger, better swing set and he’s going to make the kids pay for it.

The big story right now is the new report claiming that Russia has enough embarrassing material on Donald Trump to blackmail him. On the other hand, so does anyone who follows Trump on Twitter.

There will be a “20/20” special on Trump’s inauguration that has forced ABC to push back its premieres of “Scandal” and “How to Get Away With Murder.” Yeah, to make room for the special about Trump called “Scandal and How to Get Away With Murder.”

Conan O'Brien

At his press conference today, Donald Trump said America will build the border wall and then be reimbursed by Mexico. The invoice will be submitted to Mexico’s Department of “In Your Dreams, Pendejo.”

In a tweet today, Donald Trump compared the way he’s been treated to Nazi Germany. Which is unfair, because everyone knows Hitler won his election without the help of the Russians.

In his farewell speech, President Obama said being a father to his daughters was his proudest achievement. In response, Donald Trump said being a father to his daughter is the reason he’s not allowed to date her.

7-Eleven announced it’s now offering “breakfast pizza.” It’s all in keeping with 7-Eleven’s motto: “If You’re Here, You’re Probably Hungover.”

According to a new study, the average cost of raising a child in America is now over $200,000. The study was funded by Trojan condoms.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

CNN reported that last Friday intelligence chiefs presented Trump with claims of Russian efforts compromise him. I gotta say, that is an awkward first meeting with your new boss. “Hey, so, looking forward to working together, watercooler’s down the hall, we heard you’re a puppet of a hostile foreign government, Barbara validates parking any time you need it, any questions?”

Intelligence officials prepared a two-page summary of allegations that Russian operatives claim to have compromising personal and financial information about Mr. Trump. Trump received these documents as part of his intelligence briefing, so we know one thing for sure: He didn’t read them.

Trump immediately denied the report, tweeting, “Intelligence agencies should never have allowed this fake news to leak into the public. One last shot at me. Are we living in Nazi Germany?” So true — we all remember how unfair Nazi Germany was to their charismatic leader. Those people were always going “Talk to the hand!”

Tue, 01/17/17

Joke Day: #3794

From: 01/12/17
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 19/25

Jimmy Kimmel Live

We have another NFL team in L.A. The San Diego Chargers have announced they will be known now as the Los Angeles Chargers. Two teams is a lot of teams. I was ready for some football. I don’t think I was ready for this much of it.

Reaction from fans here in L.A, I don’t know if I’d call it mixed. They reacted the same way to opening a Bed, Bath & Beyond coupon in the mail.

Meanwhile, in our nation’s capital, our elected officials had a late night of work. After seven hours of debating, they voted to approve a resolution that would rid the country eventually of Obamacare. Can you imagine, the senators finally worked until 1:30 in the morning, and it was for this? How would Congress like it if we all met in the middle of the night and voted to take THEIR healthcare away?

If Obamacare is repealed, 20 million Americans could lose healthcare which is a very big deal, but we don’t seem to be as fired up. If they voted to take Netflix away from us, we’d go nuts. We would burn things. It would be crazy.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

President Obama today awarded Vice President Joe Biden the Presidential Medal of Freedom With Distinction, which is an honor only three other people have been given over the last 30 years. Then Biden gave Obama his highest honor, double finger guns with a wink.

The head of the office of government ethics said yesterday that the only way for Donald Trump to completely avoid conflicts of interest is to sell his assets and place them in a blind trust. Trump was like, “Fine, I trust Ivanka.”

Senate Republicans today passed a budget blueprint marking the first steps towards repealing Obamacare. Which means it’s going to cost us a lot more to get this mole looked at.

Researchers in Japan are saying that flashing a peace sign in photos might increase chances of fingerprint data being stolen. And letting your mom take the photo guarantees it.

Children’s magazine Highlights has announced that its next issue will include a picture of a same-sex couple for the first time in its 70-year history. Making it the easiest game of “what’s wrong with this picture” Mike Pence has ever played.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

President Obama is wrapping things up at the White House. You know, cleaning out his desk, handing over the keys, and spackling over the holes in the office wall so he can get the security deposit back, squeeze a little toothpaste in there.

There’s these allegations that Russia has compromising information on Donald Trump. It’s all based on 35 pages of opposition research that was evidently put together by a British MI6 agent. Yesterday, we didn’t know his name, and now we know his name is Steele — Christopher Steele. So, a Brit spy named Steele? Is he Remington Steele’s cousin?

I guess secret agent Colt Megaslam was on another assignment. Was superspy Rand Manly not around? Christopher Steele is a really an on-the-nose name for a British agent. Actually, it sounds more a gay porn name. Because it is. [shows photo of shirtless muscular man] Meet Chris Steele, gay porn actor.

Wed, 01/18/17

Joke Day: #3795

From: 01/12/17
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 20/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

All of these accusations are coming out about Trump’s ties with Russia. In fact, a 2013 interview just resurfaced where Trump says he has a relationship with Vladimir Putin. While Putin’s like, “Ugh, you poke someone back on Facebook, next thing you know you’re in a relationship.”

Yesterday, Trump held his first big press conference since the election, and he got into a shouting match with a CNN reporter who claims that Trump tried to have him thrown out. Then the other reporters were like, “Oh, come on. Why does HE get to leave?”

Now Penthouse is offering a million dollars to anyone who has compromising videos of Donald Trump. When he heard about the offer, Trump provided the videos himself. “I know a good deal when I see one.”

Ben Affleck was patted down by TSA security at Los Angeles International Airport this week. Though when it was over, the woman whispered, “I’m not in the TSA.”

Conan O'Brien

The CIA is now saying that the Kremlin has multiple sexual recordings of Donald Trump. After hearing this, Trump smirked and said, “Yeah, all from the same night… #stamina.”

Today, the San Diego Chargers announced they are moving to Los Angeles. The owner of the Chargers said, “What can I say, we really loved ‘La La Land!’”

It’s raining so hard now, we’re actually having mudslides here in L.A. This morning I was driving to work and I was passed by a house.

Good news, the five-year drought is over. That’s right — last night, I had sex.

Donald Trump has named 72-year-old Rudy Giuliani to be his adviser on cybersecurity. Trump explained, “I’m not up to speed on the latest technology, so I wanted to get somebody two years older.”

The Late Late Show with James Corden

We want to start by talking about L.L. Bean, the outdoor clothing company. They were the focus of a boycott this week after it came out that one of the company’s co-owners, Linda Bean, had donated a lot of money to support Donald Trump. When Trump found out about the boycott, he just let it go and moved on.

I’m kidding, he tweeted about it. He thanked Linda Bean for her support and then he commands everybody to buy L.L. Bean. I for one am shocked that the co-owner of a company founded by a hunter, to sell hunting boots to other hunters, would come out in favor of a Republican.

A lot of people were upset that an L.L. Bean family member was connected to the Trump campaign, and I hear that L.L. Bean’s brother Cool J is absolutely livid.

So Donald Trump endorsed L.L. Bean on Twitter — because if anybody represents the rugged great outdoors, it’s a spray-tanned germaphobe who goes to the bathroom on a gold toilet.

Thu, 01/19/17

Joke Day: #3796

From: 01/16/17
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 21/25

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

Happy Martin Luther King Day, everybody. For anyone who had today off, I hope you celebrated in the traditional way, by sleeping in so you too could have a dream.

Donald Trump observed the holiday by visiting the National Museum of African American History, or more accurately, canceling his visit to the National Museum of African American History. Although I guess in a way that might be good. The last thing we need is Trump learning more about segregation.

Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey is officially cutting down. Apparently, the circus doesn't think it could compete against a Trump presidency.

It's too bad; the circus employs 500 people who are now sadly packing their things and all getting to a single clown car. This is sad news for every kid threatening to run away and join the circus. And also sad news for every parent with a creepy old-fashioned kid who still says stuff like that.

Now, the circus won't officially close until May, so if you don’t get a chance to see it, you had 150 years. No one feels bad for you.

Fri, 01/20/17

Joke Day: #3797

From: 01/16/17
(**Part 2*)

Top of Page   Joke: 22/25

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Donald Trump's inauguration ceremony is this Friday, which means Mike Pence's is on Monday.

After civil rights leader John Lewis called Donald Trump an illegitimate president, incoming chief of staff Reince Priebus claimed that Republicans never questioned the legitimacy of President Obama's election. And then President Obama sighed so hard his hair turned white.

Donald Trump tweeted about Martin Luther King Jr. this morning, saying people should celebrate, quote, "All the many wonderful things that he stood for." He then quickly logged off before anyone asked him to name one.

Donald Trump met with Steve Harvey at Trump Tower on Friday. Meanwhile, Trump's toupee and Harvey's mustache met for a play date.

According to a new report, 67 percent of millennials use Netflix, which must really tick off whoever owns the account they're using.

Sat, 01/21/17

Joke Day: #3798

From: 01/16/17
(**Part 3**)

Top of Page   Joke: 23/25

Conan O'Brien

Over the weekend, Donald Trump sent out angry tweets blasting civil rights legend John Lewis. So I guess we all celebrate Martin Luther King Day differently.

A Bruce Springsteen cover band is the latest musical act to drop out of performing [at the inauguration]. Yeah. That's right. That's the situation we're in right now. It is not a good sign when a cover band thinks you're not a legitimate president.

In an interview yesterday, Donald Trump said he has a replacement for Obamacare that will provide insurance for everybody. Yeah, it's called move to Canada.

Dozens of Democratic members of Congress are boycotting Donald Trump's inauguration. Which is shocking because I didn't know there were still dozens of Democratic members of Congress. I guessed there were like two left.

In an interview, President Obama said that reading books helped him get through difficult times during his presidency. Reading books, yeah. So he said, “Thank you, Judy Bloom.”

There's a new app out there that describes itself as Tinder for adopting babies. So one day, siblings will be taunting each other with, "Ha ha, mom right-swiped you. You shouldn't be here."

Sun, 01/22/17

Joke Day: #3799

From: 01/16/17
(**Part 4**)

Top of Page   Joke: 24/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

I saw that Donald Trump himself is selling inauguration sweatshirts for $79. I know it sounds expensive for a sweatshirt, but just imagine how much they would have cost if they were made in America.

I read that Trump raised a record $90 million in private donations to pay for his inauguration. Trump said, "Just another $10 million and we can cover my appearance fee."

I read about a man in Virginia who paid the DMV his $3,000 fine in pennies. It took the workers 12 hours to count them all. And that line still moved faster than the one you were in waiting in at the DMV.

Last night, "The Young Pope" premiered on HBO. You can tell this pope is young because when people say, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." He just goes, "Kay."

Mon, 01/23/17

Joke Day: #3800

From: 01/17/17
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 25/25

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Donald Trump will be sworn in as president this Friday at 12 noon. That’s when the big hand is on the 12, and the little hand is on the Bible.

Today was first lady Michelle Obama’s birthday. And for the eighth year in a row, an overexcited Joe Biden blew out her candles.

A Russian billionaire reportedly paid over $4 million to have Mariah Carey and Sir Elton John perform at his teenage granddaughter’s wedding. Said his teenage granddaughter, “Who are these people?”

A female zebra shark in Australia has shocked researchers by developing the ability to produce offspring asexually, after spending time away from her male partner. And she says that so far he’s buying it!

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

We are just three days away from Donald Trump’s inauguration, and just two days away from all those time travelers coming back to stop him. Or not.

So Trump might want to put in some more hours just to get his popularity up. He’s got the lowest approval rating of any incoming president in modern history. But, hey, it’s not a popularity contest. And neither was the election.

Right now, Donald Trump has 40 percent favorable, whereas on his Inauguration Day, Barack Obama’s favorability rating was 79 percent. But he was the first black president, and if America’s known for anything, it’s giving black men the benefit of the doubt.

Evidently, any bad news for Trump is rigged. If it rains on Inauguration Day, he’ll tweet, “Fake weather. Clouds are rigged. Apologize!”

Even Trump’s staunchest supporters are starting to have doubts because, evidently, white nationalists are already losing faith in the president-elect. That is so sad. I mean, they’ve gone from “Heil!” to “Huh?”