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Joke of the Day

Day # Range: 3751 - 3775

Date Range: 11/16/16 ~ 12/19/16

Fri, 12/02/16

Joke Day: #3751

From: 11/16/16
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 01/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

President Obama was in Greece yesterday to meet with the Greek prime minister. Yep, Obama went to the birthplace of democracy to say, “Spoiler alert!”

Obama began his final foreign trip in Athens, Greece, while back in the White House Joe Biden held his final toga party as vice president.

Yesterday Donald Trump and Mike Pence reportedly received their first presidential daily briefing of sensitive national intelligence. Or as Trump asked Putin, “Do you prefer email or fax?”

Carrie Fisher claims in her upcoming book that she had an affair with Harrison Ford on the set of “Star Wars.” And Jabba the Hutt was like, “You said you don’t date co-workers. What’s the deal?”

Snapchat’s parent company has filed paperwork to sell its stock publicly. Now comes the hard part — teaching its parent company how to use Snapchat.

Conan O'Brien

President Obama was in Greece today and he visited the ancient Greek Acropolis. Obama said, “I wanted to get used to seeing a once-great democracy in ruins.”

Experts say one of the biggest threats facing Donald Trump’s presidency could be North Korea. Evidently, Kim Jong Un is so incompetent and unstable, they’re worried Trump will give him a Cabinet post.

A United Airlines pilot made a speech over the intercom warning his passengers not to make political rants. He said, “Please continue, as always, to focus all your rage on United Airlines.”

Donald Trump said the transition is going well and he has spoken to “many foreign leaders.” Then someone had to explain to Trump that Barack Obama is not a “foreign leader.”

In the U.K., they’re launching an official Quidditch League, with eight teams competing across the country. It’s the first sports league where everyone has an equal chance of being a loser.

In Mexico, for the first time in years, a 1,100-pound man has finally left his bed. And the guy on the bottom bunk is very grateful.

The Late Late Show with James Corden

McDonald’s is unveiling something called a Nutella burger at its locations in Italy. This goes against the traditional way of eating Nutella, which is with two fingers in the dark while crying at 3 a.m.

A woman in New York recently sued KFC because her bucket of chicken wasn’t as full as it was depicted in the ad. She’s suing them for $20 million. This is the first person who has eaten an entire bucket of KFC and was like, “That wasn’t enough.”

And she says that she’s angry that the bucket in the ad wasn’t realistic, right? Does this woman understand how advertising works?

The craziest, most unbelievable story of National Fast Food Day has got to be the one that has come out of Russia, where Burger King just debuted a new item in honor of our president-elect called the Trump burger. It comes with a very spicy sauce, onion rings, and jalapenos; just like Trump’s election, it’s really hard to swallow.

Sat, 12/03/16

Joke Day: #3752

From: Coming Soon

Top of Page   Joke: 02/25

From 11/17/16
(**Part 1**)

Conan O'Brien

Today is National Unfriend Day, a.k.a. NUD. We started back in 2010. We try to encourage those of you on Facebook to decide which of your Facebook friends are actually friends and eliminate those who don’t make the cut. My mission is to simplify your life and to bring meaning back to the word “friend,” which has been cheapened. Also I like saying the word “NUD.”

It’s the social media equivalent of cleaning out your fridge. That guy who sat behind you in freshman biology class who keeps posting about his 5K, he’s a container of old beans. Throw him out today. That woman from accounting who posted 30 pictures of her bird today, she’s a tub of cream cheese that has green forming on it.

Unfriend every classmate, co-worker, neighbor, every lady from church who you don’t know who has ever annoyed you. I won’t be happy until you log into Facebook and see a blank white screen, and that’s the goal. Today is not the day to make friends.

Donald Trump today had his first official meeting with a foreign leader as president-elect. He met with Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe in New York. The meeting actually got off to a rocky start. Trump asked the prime minister if he could teach him how to do the crane kick from “Karate Kid.”

Hillary Clinton was in our nation’s capital last night. She confessed there were times in the past week she just wanted to curl up and never leave the house again. That’s when Bill stepped in and said, “Oh, yes, she will.”

At the end of the speech, Clinton said America is still the greatest country in the world — and then she got on a plane and flew to Sweden, where she will live out her remaining days on Earth.

Donald Trump is planning a victory tour of the states he won. He’s planning on holding a series of rallies starting sometime after Thanksgiving. Maybe this is where he reveals it was all a prank.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Hillary Clinton made her first appearance since the election last night and told the crowd, “There had been a few times this past week when all I wanted to do is just to curl up with a good book or our dogs and never leave the house again.” Oh, sure, NOW you’re relatable.

Vice president-elect Mike Pence was seen today using a selfie stick while posing with a group of House Republicans. Of course, right after using the selfie stick, Pence had to go to confession.

The Harry Potter spinoff “Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them” came out today. Spoiler alert: They’re in a gold tower.

According to a new report, Donald Trump’s transition team still has not contacted the Pentagon. Apparently, they can’t find that shape on the phone. “I’m having no luck here. I’ve called Triangle like 50 times. They keep putting me through to Square. Square said he was Circle.”

Nissan is now offering a limited-edition version of its Rogue SUV to promote the new movie “Star Wars: Rogue One” featuring a collectible helmet, because nothing says “great car” like a complimentary helmet.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

Trump’s transition continues its transitioning. Don’t know a lot about what’s going on, but I do know that his team has not yet called the Pentagon, possibly because he knows more than the generals. Or maybe he’s never going to call them. He’ll just launch a literal tweet war: “@Pentagon, please bomb Syria. #LyingNewYorkTimes.”

Trump doesn’t even believe in the existence of global warming, having tweeted: “The concept of global warming was created by and for the Chinese in order to make U.S. manufacturing non-competitive,” and calling global warming “very expensive BS.” Of course, “Very Expensive BS” is also the motto for Trump University.

Chinese officials have responded to Trump’s accusation with a strongly-worded statement, and I’m going to read this in the original Mandarin: “Nuh-uh.” I hope I’m pronouncing that correctly.

They added that the Chinese will continue to fight climate change, quote, “whatever the circumstances.” Just hold on — things have gotten so bad now that China is telling us to care about the environment?! Have you SEEN Beijing? No, you haven’t, because it’s hidden behind their air.

Sun, 12/04/16

Joke Day: #3753

From: 11/17/16
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 03/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Ted Cruz is actually being considered by Donald Trump to be attorney general. Though it will be pretty awkward when he shows up on his first day of work and Trump goes, “I said ‘Tom Cruise.’”

Yesterday, Vice President Joe Biden and Vice President-elect Mike Pence had lunch together. Pence was like, “I’m eager to discuss the issues facing our nation.” While Biden said, “If you tell the waiter it’s your birthday, you get a free piece of cake.”

Ricky Martin announced that he is engaged to his boyfriend, who happens to be Syrian. Ricky got down on one knee and said, “Will you help me make Donald Trump’s head explode?”

Carrie Fisher said that she went public with her affair with Harrison Ford because she felt like she waited an appropriate amount of time. Specifically, she said it was “a long time ago in a Winnebago far, far away.”

There’s a new workout where people crawl like a baby. It’s a new thing, because it strengthens your core while working your shoulders and hips. In response, babies were like, “Have you seen our bodies?”

Conan O'Brien

During President Obama’s visit to Greece yesterday, huge anti-Obama protests broke out. However, Obama was able to quiet down the crowd by saying, “Wait till you see the next guy.”

A woman has been charged with filing a false police report after posting that she had been kidnapped on Facebook. People grew suspicious when the woman “liked” her own kidnapping.

Ben from “The Bachelor” has called off his wedding. Apparently, Donald Trump wants to interview him for secretary of defense.

An artificially intelligent sex robot is expected to hit the market next year. Because that’s what guys want in a sex robot — intelligence.

According to a new study, marijuana users are twice as likely to suffer from a heart condition known as stress cardiomyopathy. But they’re three times as likely not to care.

The Late Late Show with James Corden

Today was the American Cancer Society’s Great American Smokeout event, which encourages people to stop smoking and help their loved ones do the same. That’s right, quit smoking a week after Trump was elected. Good luck with that.

Now, I am all for anti-smoking campaigns but the Great American Smokeout just makes it sound like a really fun barbecue. They should call it something like “The Great American Oh My God, Please Stop, You Are Going to Die.”

If you have a loved one who is still smoking now, now is a great time to help them quit. Then again in two weeks. And then again right after Christmas, the holidays are always stressful. Then there’s New Year’s Day . . .

There’s exciting news from the world of technology, experts say that in the future sex with robots will become so popular that it could replace sex with humans by 2050. So, basically, in the very near future, instead of texting “U up?” you’ll be texting “U on?”

Apparently this will even go beyond sex, and you’ll actually be able to seduce the robots. What? The whole point of having sex with a robot is that you don’t have to seduce it! I don’t talk my microwave into heating up my coffee. “I’m going to put this cup of coffee inside you for about 90 seconds, OK? And I want to you get real hot!”

It’s going to be awkward when the robots need repairs. Do you just show up to the Genius bar with a human-sized duffel bag like, “Hey, uh . . . this is 900 iPods.”

A study published in the journal Menopause revealed that as they age, women tend to have better memories than men. There is no way this is true. Back when I was single, every woman I met in a bar couldn’t even remember her own phone number. They were always giving me the wrong ones by accident.

Guys, this explains why your wife is like, “Did you remember to bring home milk?” And you’re like, “Who the hell are you?”

Mon, 12/05/16

Joke Day: #3754

From: 11/21/16

Top of Page   Joke: 04/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Donald Trump claimed that he decided to settle the Trump University lawsuits so he could focus on running the country. Then he went back to tweeting insults at the cast of “Hamilton.”

Vice President-elect Mike Pence went to see “Hamilton” over the weekend, and was booed by people in the audience when he entered the theater. And if the crowd wasn't mad enough already, Pence waited until a quiet scene to open up a bag of Skittles.

The TSA just released a list of Thanksgiving leftovers that you can carry on and others you have to check, saying you can bring turkey on the plane but not gravy. Which will explain things when you’re at airport security and you see a bunch of people chugging their gravy next to a trash can.

I read about a woman from California who is driving by herself across the country to visit every single Costco in the U.S. So far, she’s traveled 2,000 miles — and that was just walking through one Costco.

The Late Late Show with James Corden

Mike Pence got a rude greeting when he attended the musical "Hamilton" over the weekend. He was booed going to his seat and the cast addressed him directly at the end of the show. And this looks bad for Pence. I mean when the theater kid picks on you, you know you truly are the least popular kid in school.

Many Trump supporters called for a boycott of the show telling people you can't go to see "Hamilton." To which 2,000 freezing tourists in line for tickets say, "Yeah, we know."

The New York Times reports that Trump's wife Melania and 10-year-old son Barron will stay in Trump Tower instead of moving to the White House in January. Apparently Melania doesn't want to pull Barron out of school, and when she was asked about it she was like, "Yeah, yeah, it's because of Barron's school. That is why I don't want to live with Donald."

Late Night With Seth Meyers

After the cast of Broadway’s “Hamilton” addressed Vice President-elect Mike Pence following a show this weekend, Donald Trump demanded they apologize and tweeted, “The Theater must always be a safe and special place.” To which Muslims replied, “Two tickets to the theater, please!”

Donald Trump spent the weekend at his golf club in Bedminster, New Jersey. “Fore!” yelled Trump at a random woman he saw.

According to a new report, the night before Thanksgiving is the best night of the year for “casual hookups.” While Thanksgiving day is the worst. “Bryan! You remember your cousin, Beth, right?!”

Tue, 12/06/16

Joke Day: #3755

From: 11/22/16

Top of Page   Joke: 05/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

A new report finds that protecting Donald Trump and his family is costing New York City taxpayers over a $1 million a day. Then Trump was like, “Thank God I'm not a taxpayer!”

Right now, the focus is on who Trump will appoint to his cabinet. In fact, C-SPAN aired a live feed of the elevators at Trump Tower that captured potential cabinet members going up to meet him. It even caught the moment when Ted Cruz was approaching the elevator and everyone inside frantically hit the “door close” button.

Trump’s campaign manager, Kellyanne Conway, was being interviewed yesterday and said she’s “very confident” that Trump isn’t breaking any laws during his transition. Then Americans were like, “Uh . . . we weren't even suspicious until you said that."

Victoria’s Secret will open at 5 p.m. on Thanksgiving and stay open all the way through Black Friday. Because if there's one thing people want to do, it's stuff their faces all day, then try on some lingerie

Many Americans are planning to deep-fry their turkeys this year. But to save myself some time, I just stuffed my turkey with a Samsung Galaxy.

The Late Late Show with James Corden

Experts predict that this will be the busiest travel week in a decade. According to a Google analysis of historical traffic data, the best time to leave for Thanksgiving was 6 a.m. Last Sunday.

The best time to leave from Thanksgiving is right after someone mentions the election.

Today, the stock market hit an all-time high. Which is great news, because if there's one thing we've learned over the past decade it’s that if Wall Street executives are doing well, regular Americans are doing well.

The Dow Jones industrial average topped 19,000 today for the first time. When they heard that, Americans everywhere nodded in approval as if they actually know what the Dow Jones industrial average is.

A man in England has broken a Guinness world record by bungee jumping 240 feet to dunk a cookie into a cup of tea. That has to be the most British thing ever. It's pretty cool, but what made him even want to do this? Of all the things to do with your life, there is absolutely no reason to make tea time “totally x-treme.”

Late Night With Seth Meyers

According to reports, incoming White House chief of staff Reince Priebus tried to get Donald Trump to cancel today’s meeting with The New York Times because Trump could face questions he wasn’t prepared to answer. It’s the same reason he canceled yesterday’s meeting with Highlights Magazine.

President Obama today awarded 21 people with the Presidential Medal of Freedom. Said Obama, “You’re free! Quick, go before he sees you!”

Donald Trump said this afternoon that he was “surprised” one of his top picks for secretary of defense is not in favor of waterboarding. Man, you think you know somebody. And then they turn out to be a decent human being.

When asked this afternoon if he reads The New York Times, Donald Trump told reporters, quote, “I do read it. Unfortunately. I’d live about 20 years longer if I didn’t.” “Got your paper, sir!” said Mike Pence.

Apple’s top designer has created a special Christmas tree that does not feature any lights or decorations. Said the designer, “I . . . didn’t know this was due today.”

Wed, 12/07/16

Joke Day: #3756

From: 11/28/16

Top of Page   Joke: 06/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Today is cyber Monday, which means tomorrow is "Russia has your credit card info Tuesday."

Experts are warning shoppers to check the spelling of websites on cyber Monday because there are lookalike sites that try to scam you with a slight misspelling of a store's name. Yep, they said if you want more info on this, just look it up on Goggle.

Trump went on Twitter yesterday to claim that he actually won the popular vote if you deduct the millions of illegal voters and that any recount will change nothing. Speaking of nothing changing, Trump won and still says the election was rigged.

The secret service protecting Donald Trump might have to rent two floors of trump tower, forcing taxpayers to pay $3 million in rent back to trump's company. Trump said that is absolutely not true and the rent is $4 million.

The secret service protecting Donald Trump might have to rent two floors of trump tower, forcing taxpayers to pay $3 million in rent back to trump's company. Trump said that is absolutely not true and the rent is $4 million.

Conan O'Brien

Trump was seen wearing a hat that says "45" on the side, signifying that he will be the 45th president. Or the total number of days before he quits being president. He's like, "It's been fun — it's been a fun month and a half. You take it from here, Pence."

Donald Trump said he will not try and send Hillary Clinton to jail. After hearing this, Bill Clinton said, "Hey, you promised."

Breakfast Club star Anthony Michael Hall is facing seven years in prison for fighting his neighbor. However, his lawyer is trying to plea bargain that down to just serving detention with Molly Ringwald, Emilio Estevez, and Judd Nelson.

Donald Trump is giving key positions in his cabinet to people who were loyal to him early on. So congratulations, Defense Secretary Scott Baio!

Yesterday, Donald Trump tweeted that millions of people voted illegally on Election Day. Then someone told Trump it’s not illegal for women to vote.

Thu, 12/08/16

Joke Day: #3757

From: 11/30/16
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 07/25

The Late Late Show with James Corden

Yesterday Donald Trump sat down to dinner with Mitt Romney at Jean-Georges French restaurant in the Trump International Hotel, because nothing says “man of the people” like eating an $800 dinner in a tower you named after yourself.

If you are wondering what was on the dinner menu, Romney started by eating his words. Then for the main course he swallowed his pride, dignity, and self-esteem.

If are you having trouble getting in the Christmas spirit you might want to move to Japan, where Domino’s is doing a promotion where they say your pizza will be delivered to your door step via reindeer. Even Santa Claus was like, “I don’t believe this is real.”

In other weird Japanese news — or as they call it in Japan, news — there are now plans for a park in Japan that will be a combination of a hot springs spa and an amusement park. It either sounds nice or like a sanitary nightmare.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

Trump and Romney last night were dining at a four-star French restaurant called Jean-Georges. Sounds fancy, but Jean-Georges could be French for “Waffle House.”

And they were joined by Reince Priebus, who is Trump’s chief of staff and not, as you may think, an item on the menu. “Would you care to start with some priebus? It has been lightly reince’d.”

The billionaire of the people ordered young garlic soup with thyme and sautéed frogs legs. I thought he said he was going to drain the swamp, not eat its contents.

Fri, 12/09/16

Joke Day: #3758

From: Coming Soon

Top of Page   Joke: 08/25

From 11/30/16
(**Part 2**)

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Tonight was the lighting of the Rockefeller Center Christmas tree. Thousands of people waited for hours in the cold just to go, “Cool. Back to the hotel, let’s go back to the hotel.”

The Obamas just had the White House decorated for their final Christmas before they leave. They want to make it look nice for Santa, since he’s not coming back for at least four years.

Trump and Mitt Romney were spotted having dinner here New York last night, and everyone’s talking about Romney’s expression. It got even worse when the spaghetti came and Trump said, “Ever see ‘Lady and the Tramp’?”

A Swiss company just released a new $250 drone that’s actually attached to a rope that you hold in your hand. They say it helps to control the drone. It’s great for first-time users — basically, it’s a really expensive kite.

Conan O'Brien

This week, Sarah Palin said that God helped Donald Trump win the presidential election. When he heard this, a furious Satan said, “Don’t I get credit for anything?”

Yesterday, Donald Trump had his third top secret intelligence briefing. If you’d like to know the details, just check Trump’s Twitter feed.

At their dinner together, President-elect Donald Trump and Mitt Romney dined on sautéed frogs legs. I don’t know about you, but eating frogs legs with Donald Trump sounds like someone lost a bet.

Last night, Donald Trump and Mitt Romney had dinner together at an expensive restaurant in New York City called Jean-Georges. The two billionaires dined on fancy French cuisine and then talked about how out of touch Washington is.

In the next few years, the federal government is planning to forgive $100 billion of student debt. So, congratulations to six USC grads.

An expert panel has recommended that a medically-induced pregnancy made from three people’s DNA could begin as early as next year. So finally some good news for the Jonas Brothers.

Two Connecticut residents stole over $1,000 worth of candles from the Yankee Candle Village. The suspects are being described as white.

Sat, 12/10/16

Joke Day: #3759

From: 12/01/16
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 09/25

The Late Late Show with James Corden

The cereal company Kellogg’s pulled their advertising from the conservative alt-right website Breitbart News and its readers responded by calling for a boycott of all Kellogg’s products. That’s right: The culture wars have now reached cereal.

Breitbart News received a lot of criticism for running questionable news stories during the election. So basically Breitbart counts as real news in the same way that Apple Jacks counts as real fruit.

Kellogg’s pulled their ads because they say Breitbart promotes discrimination. It really isn’t a surprise that Kellogg’s would be sensitive about this. The mascots of one of their best-selling cereals are three male elves that all live together.

Ed Sheeran made his first public appearance since an accident where he suffered a deep facial cut. It happened at a party when Princess Beatrice jokingly went to knight James Blunt with a sword, and accidentally cut Ed Sheeran on the back side swing. The only way to make getting clobbered in the face not at all hard-core is by adding James Blunt and knighthood and a princess to the story.

You probably know Ed Sheeran from his song, “Thinking Out Loud.” Great song. Or you could now look forward to his brand new single, “Screaming Out Loud.”

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

With roughly seven weeks until he takes office, President-elect Donald Trump still has a few things he’s researching. Needs to figure out, like, “What does a president do?”

And now we know he knows it’s not going to be that easy, because Trump surrogate and flesh snowman Newt Gingrich recently told USA Today that he talked to Trump about his new responsibilities as president and, according to Gingrich, Trump said, “This is really a bigger job than I thought.”

What do you know? Being leader of the free world is a bit harder than filming a reality show in your apartment.

The bad news is, starting Jan. 20, Donald Trump can send unlockable mass text messages to the entire nation. Yes, President Trump will be able to send text messages to every phone in the nation. The only person I would trust less with this technology is Anthony Weiner.

One recent study found that owning a cat could make you more into bondage — whereas owning a dog could make you more into “doing it” while a stranger sits in the corner and occasionally barks when he thinks you’re hurting each other.

Sun, 12/11/16

Joke Day: #3760

From: 12/01/16
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 10/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

The holiday season is in full swing and Macy’s has hired over 80,000 seasonal employees. So, good news, the busiest shopping time of the year is being run by people who have had exactly one day of training.

American businesses added a total of 216,000 jobs over the last month, as stores hire workers for the holidays. Mall Santas are now able to have their checks direct-deposited right to the liquor store. Isn’t that nice? Isn’t that sweet?

Rockefeller Center is jammed with people here to see the Christmas tree. If you go outside, you hear the festive sounds of jingle bells, holiday music, and every parent yelling, “Stay with me!”

Donald Trump is considering Sarah Palin to be his secretary of Veterans Affairs. Palin says she’s great at helping veterans. John McCain was like, “Wrong.”

Yesterday, Jill Stein officially requested a hand recount of 4.8 million ballots in Michigan, but Donald Trump says he’s going to fight it, by shouting out other numbers while they’re trying to count.

Conan O'Brien

This is a true story: For his secretary of defense, Donald Trump has chosen a retired Marine general whose nickname is Mad Dog. So sleep well, America!

It’s been reported that President-elect Trump has chosen four-star Gen. James Mattis for secretary of defense. When Trump was told the general had four stars, he said, “Wow, that’s a great Yelp review.”

Mitt Romney is being mocked by many Republicans for going to a fancy French dinner with Donald Trump. It’s also not helping that afterwards, Romney let Trump get to third base.

The CEO of Starbucks announced he’s stepping down. He’s going to become the CEO of the Starbucks across the street.

Mon, 12/12/16

Joke Day: #3761

From: 12/05/16
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 11/25

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Congratulations are in order for Dr. Ben Carson. Do you remember him? President-elect Donald Trump picked him to run the Department of Housing and Urban Development. Which is going to be quite a surprise when he finally wakes up.

Ben Carson, in case you don’t know, is a former neurosurgeon with no experience in Housing or Urban Development. This is the first time the phrase “Well, it’s not brain surgery” is actually a bad thing.

Why would he get this job? He’s a medical doctor. I feel like Donald Trump just heard the word “urban” and nominated the first black friend he had.

Trump’s been busy assembling his Cabinet. His nominees are all pretty out there. As of today, the least-controversial person in his Cabinet is a guy named “Mad Dog.”

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Donald Trump began his post-election victory tour last week. Meanwhile, Hillary Clinton has wandered so far into the woods she found the Blair Witch.

Donald Trump reportedly invited the leader of the Philippines to the White House next year despite the fact that he previously told President Barack Obama to go to hell. Obama was like, “Oh, I’m already there. I’m already there.”

Donald Trump has nominated Ben Carson to be his secretary of Housing and Urban Development, or HUD. Incidentally, “hud” is the sound that Ben Carson made when he heard the news. “Ben, Donald Trump is on the phone.” “Hud?”

Ben Carson has accepted Donald Trump’s offer to be secretary of Housing and Urban Development, despite previously saying he did not feel qualified to lead a governmental department. But he changed his mind because he stayed at a Holiday Inn Express last night.

A recent poll found that 58 percent of Americans believe Donald Trump will try to work with Democrats. Oh, Russia has Democrats? I didn’t know.

Tue, 12/13/16

Joke Day: #3762

From: 12/05/16
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 12/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Al Gore met with Donald Trump today to discuss climate change. They probably talked about how climate change could lead to massive floods in places like New York City. Trump was like, “That’s why I live on the 58th floor.”

The other big news is that Trump appointed Ben Carson as his secretary of Housing and Urban Development. That means Trump talked with Ben Carson and Al Gore in the same day, which is kind of like popping an Ambien before you watch the Weather Channel.

Meanwhile, Trump announced that the CEO of Disney will be advising his transition team. Thanks to him, Trump won’t have to build a wall anymore. He’ll just charge so much for admission that nobody will want to come in.

Donald Trump is still trying to decide who to nominate for secretary of State. He’s reportedly considering David Petraeus, Mitt Romney, Rudy Giuliani, John Bolton, and Jon Huntsman. Apparently, Trump is taking them all on a group date tonight, and one of them gets to join him in the fantasy suite.

Conan O'Brien

Today, Al Gore met with Donald Trump to discuss climate change. To try to explain it in terms Trump would understand, Gore said, “The planet is getting hotter than your daughter Ivanka.”

Donald Trump is reportedly considering two Democrats for his cabinet. That’s right — and those Democrats are Donald Trump from 1996 and Donald Trump from 2004.

Minnesota’s Mall of America has hired its first-ever black Santa Claus. Which sounds like a big deal until you realize that in Minnesota, I’m considered black.

On Saturday, the hearse carrying Fidel Castro’s remains broke down and had to be pushed. The hearse was being driven by Cuba’s minister of metaphors.

The Late Late Show with James Corden

The Dakota Access oil pipeline, which the Sioux tribe has been protesting for months, will no longer be routed through their land. It’s a big win for Native Americans — and if the next 9 billion things go their way, we can finally call it even.

Protesters from all over the country have gathered there. I would like to imagine the guy who was late and just got there today, like, “I’m here, how can I help? We did it? Yeah!”

The Native American people who have been protesting announced that their fight is far from over, but for now, hippies with guitars can stop coming to help them.

This is kind of a blow to the oil executives, who say they plan to regroup, re-plan, and look for alternate ways to ruin our environment. So we look forward to that.

Donald Trump has announced another Cabinet position. Dr. Ben Carson, who ran against him in the primary, has been nominated for secretary of Housing and Urban Development. I just get the feeling that Trump heard the word “urban” and immediately decided, “Who do I know who’s black?”

Trump actually first announced this in a tweet, and it becomes official as soon as Congress retweets it. I think that’s how the U.S. government works nowadays.

Wed, 12/14/16

Joke Day: #3763

From: 2/07/16
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 13/25

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Time magazine has named their Person of the Year. It’s none other than President-elect Donald Trump. He is the Person of the Year. Which is a big deal because this might be one of our last years.

Trump won in spite of losing in Time’s online poll to Hillary Clinton. Can she win anything? Really, Hillary’s now just hoping to win a mug that says “World’s Best Grandma.”

I do want to distinguish, it doesn’t necessarily mean BEST Person of the Year, it’s just Person of the Year, although don’t tell Donald Trump that.

He did interviews about this, he said it was a very, very great honor and Time is a very important magazine. I think he’s more excited about this than being president, to be honest.

Some of the people of the year include Gandhi, Stalin, Churchill, Nixon, Putin, Obama, and Hitler. So Trump is definitely fitting in there — you decide where he fits in for yourself.

So anyway, congratulations to Donald Trump, and to the photographer who got him to sit still and not tweet for 30 seconds. That’s the guy who should be Person of the Year this year.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Donald Trump was named Time magazine’s 2016 Person of the Year this morning. While Hillary Clinton was named runner-up. And when she heard, Hillary hiked so far into the woods, she’s now living with Bran Stark.

Donald Trump is reportedly considering arriving at his inauguration by helicopter, and so is Chris Christie. “Take me with you! I can’t go back to New Jersey!”

Former Trump campaign manager Corey Lewandowski said today that Donald Trump’s presidency will make it OK for people to say “Merry Christmas” again. Corey, we’ve always been allowed to say “Merry Christmas,” it’s just no one says it to you.

Donald Trump said today that he doesn’t believe that Russia interfered with his election in any way. Well, technically all he said was, “Nyet.”

Facebook has filed a patent on a system to automatically identify and remove posts containing fake news, and just after the nick of time.

Thu, 12/15/16

Joke Day: #3764

From: 12/07/16
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 14/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

On the “Today” show this morning, Time magazine announced that Donald Trump is the Person of the Year. Then Al Roker said, “Now let’s check out the protests happening in YOUR neck of the woods!”

There are reports that Trump will be getting a Goldendoodle puppy when he takes office. To teach it how to beg and roll over, they actually brought in Mitt Romney.

A real estate agency that sells apartments inside Trump Tower is advertising the new 24-hour presence of Secret Service agents as a, quote, “new amenity.” While they’re advertising the eggs that hit your windows as “free grocery delivery.”

Yesterday, Chinese state media called Donald Trump a “diplomatic rookie” who has an “inability to keep his mouth shut.” Or as Trump reported it, “They just called me young and outgoing! Thank you CHY-na!”

Starbucks is planning to open Italian bakeries in New York City and Chicago that will serve pizza. Good, because if there’s anywhere you can’t get a good slice of pizza, it’s NEW YORK CITY AND CHICAGO.

Conan O'Brien

Pope Francis has warned the media to stop spreading false information. Or as the media reported it, “World’s Top Rabbi Says ‘Keep Up the Good Work!’”

Donald Trump said he has asked President Obama to help recommend some of his appointments. Obama said fine, and recommended Hillary Clinton for president.

Donald Trump has been named Time magazine’s Person of the Year. When he found out, Trump said, “That’s all I ever really wanted,” and then he quit public life, never to be heard from again.

A fraternity at Hofstra University is in trouble for a hazing ritual that included putting hot sauce on a pledge’s genitals. The hot sauce was so hot that the guy is now pledging a sorority.

The Late Late Show with James Corden

Ladies and gentlemen, he did it. He won again. Donald Trump has just been named Time magazine’s Person of the Year for 2016. The shocking thing about this is that Time magazine thinks Trump is a person.

The editors of Time magazine voted to make Donald Trump Person of the Year, although to be fair, 2.7 million more editors voted for Hillary Clinton, but the editors from Florida get more votes than editors from Rhode Island. It’s complicated.

Time’s Person of the Year is quite an honor, unless you are named in the year when Zika broke out; the Earth was the hottest it has ever been; Muhammad Ali, Prince, and David Bowie died; Syria exploded; Brexit happened; and oh, Donald Trump was elected president. Congratulations! You are the face of the worst year ever.

Fri, 12/16/16

Joke Day: #3765

From: 12/08/16
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 15/25

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Christmas is coming. Yes, I do mean that as a threat. Christmas is that magical time of the year when Mariah Carey makes a billion dollars in residuals in two weeks. It is a good song, but I mean, really.

Congratulations to Mick Jagger, who just became the father of a baby boy. His eighth child. His oldest child is 46 years old. Mick Jagger himself is 73 years old. They say the baby looks just look his dad, all wrinkly.

According to a statement from his publicist, Mick was at the hospital for the arrival. I like that they had him “for the arrival.” He is 73, he could have been at the hospital for a lot of reasons.

Hillary Clinton made her first public appearance on Capitol Hill since that whole election thing today. She was in town to honor outgoing Nevada Sen. Harry Reid and, what an impression. She showed up in black leather from head to toe, like Olivia Newton-John in the final scene of “Grease.” Incredible.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Donald Trump this weekend will give his first Sunday morning news interview since the election, and it’s a big sacrifice for him because Sunday morning is usually when he tweets about “Saturday Night Live.”

During Trump’s Sunday morning news interview, he is expected to discuss the agenda for his first 100 days in office. Trump was like, “Wait, I have to be president for a hundred days?”

Trump adviser Kellyanne Conway told reporters today that Donald Trump is a huge Elton John fan. “That can be cured,” said Mike Pence.

Donald Trump’s team is reportedly desperate for an A-list celebrity to perform at his inauguration, with one official saying they can “do better than Kid Rock.” Besides, Kid Rock is going to be too busy with his new job as secretary of state.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

Check one’s calendar because right now we are 43 days from the inauguration, and Donald Trump continues to fill out his Cabinet. Watching Trump pick these people is like watching your Nana get a sponge bath — you know it has to be done, but it’s upsetting.

Yesterday, Trump named Scott Pruitt, Oklahoma attorney general and sworn enemy of the EPA, to be the head of the — what’s the word? — the EPA. I would change my phone number, or else he’s going to get some pretty angry calls from himself.

There is a trend of Trump appointing people to head things they’re against. I’m looking forward to Surgeon General Joe Camel.

So, what kind of EPA head will Pruitt be? Well, he’s repeatedly explained that he thinks the states are in the best position to regulate local industries. Makes sense. If Missouri dumps chemicals into the Mississippi River, they just tell those chemicals, “Remember, you stop at the Arkansas state line.”

Sat, 12/17/16

Joke Day: #3766

From: 12/08/16
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 16/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

This weekend is SantaCon, which is the annual bar crawl where people dress up like Santa Claus for a day of drinking. That’s right, a drunken bar crawl wearing a Santa suit, or as the real Santa calls that —December 26.

A growing trend among families is giving their kids a few small presents ahead of Christmas to break up the tension of getting everything on Christmas Day. They actually have an interesting name for this — Hanukkah.

I heard that putting cinnamon and nutmeg into your baked goods for the holidays can actually reduce stress. Then certain other people were like, “I know something else you can put in your baked goods. Marijuana, dude!”

David and Victoria Beckham’s 11-year-old son Cruz just released his first single, called “If Every Day Was Christmas.” I’m pretty sure if you’re the son of David and Victoria Beckham, every day is Christmas. “I have my own butler and I’m quite good looking. Merry Christmas. I own a stadium.” I can’t relate to that song.

Conan O'Brien

For the second year in a row, Johnny Depp has been named Forbes magazine’s Most Overpaid Actor. After hearing this, Nicolas Cage said, “What do I have to do?”

Starbucks has come out with a new Frappuccino that’s named after Pokémon Go. They’re saying it has “the taste of something you lost interest in around September.”

For his secretary of labor, President-elect Trump has picked an executive from the fast food restaurants Carl’s Jr. and Hardee’s. Afterwards, Trump admitted he made the choice on an empty stomach.

Everyone’s OK, but this morning, a 6.5-magnitude earthquake hit California’s prime marijuana-growing county. Authorities swept the area, urging residents to remain even calmer.

Donald Trump’s campaign manager Kellyanne Conway said she cannot take a position in the Trump administration because she has four young children. She said, “This would mean taking care of one more.”

The Late Late Show with James Corden

It’s that time of year when people like to cozy up next to their loved ones near the fire — until Sunday, that is, because according to a recent study of social media, Dec. 11 is the day when are you most likely to be dumped by your boyfriend or girlfriend.

Great, just another thing to put on your list of things to do for the holidays. “Let’s see — shopping’s done, presents are wrapped, what’s left? Oh, yeah! Mark, we need to talk.”

But you know why people do this? They’re going to the mall to buy a present, circling the parking lot a couple of times looking for a spot and thinking, “Oh, I’m just going to break up with her.” Either that or these breakups are happening after conversations like “I can’t wait for you to meet my dad. He is a little overprotective but he is so excited to show you his gun collection.”

Why not simplify your holiday season? Combine the breakup with the Christmas gift. “So I hope you like what I got you, it’s a Match.com membership.”

Sun, 12/18/16

Joke Day: #3767

From: 12/12/16
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 17/25

Jimmy Kimmel Live

The CIA says they believe that Russian hackers interfered with our elections, specifically to help Donald Trump win. But Trump says that’s ridiculous — there’s no way to know if the hackers were from Russia or China or some guy sitting on a bed someplace.

Nonetheless, a bipartisan group, including Republican Sens. John McCain and Mitch McConnell, are calling for an investigation, and Trump does not like that at all. He refuses to point a finger at Russia. Why would he? He’ll be up for re-election in four years, he might need them again.

Some people are saying we should vote all over again. Which, this election, is like the killer in a horror movie — just when you think it’s over, he pops up in the back seat, it’s going to get you again.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Organizers have announced that Donald Trump will attend two inaugural balls during his first week in office. One in Washington, D.C., and then, of course, the real one in Moscow.

Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid recently said in an interview that Donald Trump is “not as bad as I thought he would be.” Geez buddy, how low were your expectations?

Harry Reid is the guy that gets a rat in his bucket at KFC and says, “Well, they’re trying their best.”

Hillary Clinton gave a speech last week criticizing the epidemic of fake news being spread … or maybe she didn’t.

China’s highest court ruled last week that Michael Jordan owns the rights to his name in Chinese characters. “I thought that meant ‘bravery,’” said a girl with a lower back tattoo.

Mon, 12/19/16

Joke Day: #3768

From: 12/12/16
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 18/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Bryan Cranston is on the show tonight. He is starring in the new movie “Why Him?” And believe it or not, it’s actually not about the election.

According to The Washington Post, the CIA found that Russia interfered in the election to help Donald Trump win the presidency. Experts say this is the biggest scandal America’s faced for decades, and the biggest scandal Trump’s faced since Friday.

Of course, Russia faced several obstacles in helping Trump win — namely Trump.

The Better Business Bureau just released a list of the top 10 holiday scams to avoid. And get this, the list only cost me $200.

The Hallmark Channel is coming under fire for having mostly white actors as the stars of their Christmas movies. Then Hallmark said, “That’s not true. None of the actors in our movies are stars.”

The Late Late Show with James Corden

There are reports that Donald Trump has been meeting with Mark Burnett, the creator of “The Apprentice,” to plan next month’s inauguration ceremony. If Omarosa swears this guy in, I’m moving back to England.

Is the whole thing going to be reality show-themed? Instead of Trump putting his hand on the Bible, the chief justice of the Supreme Court is just going to hand him a rose.

I understand to get to the White House he won an “Amazing Race.” Out of the dozens of candidates, Trump was the “Survivor.” Even though, according to the popular vote, he was “The Biggest Loser.” But this is “The Real World.”

Trump may be a populist, but we don’t need this type of “American Idol” worship. America is facing real problems, and we need to give all the people of this nation a voice — no, “THE Voice.” Not just to your daughter Ivanka, or Donald Jr., her “Big Brother.”

That’s why, Donald Trump, I have three words for you: “RuPaul’s Drag Race.”

In other news, a restaurant just opened in the Kurdistan region of Iraq. It’s called Trump Fish, and it’s a fish restaurant with an unauthorized Donald Trump logo. They stole Trump’s face and name. Should be fine, Donald Trump never sues anyone.

Tue, 12/20/16

Joke Day: #3769

From: 12/13/16
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 19/25

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Kanye West met with Donald Trump at Trump Tower today. No word on what they interrupted each other about.

Jeb Bush told reporters today that he does not think Russia “influenced” the election. And if anybody knows about not influencing elections, it’s Jeb Bush.

Former Texas Gov. Rick Perry has been named Donald Trump’s pick for secretary of energy. And I have to say, he is the most qualified candidate from that particular season of “Dancing with the Stars.”

Rudy Giuliani said today that he had “too much going on” to accept a cabinet appointment from Donald Trump. Added Giuliani, “These pigeons aren’t gonna yell at themselves!”

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

This morning, the president-elect met at Trump Tower with Kanye West. You can tell it was a high-powered meeting because Kanye wore his formal sweat suit.

Obviously, it’s a security risk gathering the two most powerful American narcissists in the same room. Just for security reasons, they had to keep Shia LeBeouf in an undisclosed location for continuity of government.

They ended their meeting with a bro hug in front of the cameras. I heard these two are going to drop an album together. It’s called “The Deportation of Pablo.”

Today Donald Trump chose Rex Tillerson, Exxon Mobil CEO, as his secretary of state. I assume from now on, all gas stations are official U.S. embassies, which is perfect for any refugees who are seeking asylum and maybe a Slim Jim.

Tillerson is an interesting pick. For one thing, he’s an oil main who believes in climate change. Well, of course he believes in it! He’s from Exxon — he INVENTED it. It’s pride of ownership. It’s his baby!

Wed, 12/21/16

Joke Day: #3770

From: 12/13/16
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 20/25

The Late Late Show with James Corden

There are only 11 shopping days left until Christmas, and only 37 shopping days to fill your doomsday bunker with canned goods before Trump becomes the president.

Donald Trump has continued to make more surprising appointments in his cabinet. This morning, Trump chose the CEO of Exxon Mobil, Rex Tillerson, as his secretary of state. Because, you know, when you think responsible, ethical and trustworthy, you think Exxon Mobil.

The big story today was Trump’s meeting with Kanye West. The two met in Trump’s apartment and then took photos and answered questions in the lobby. When asked what they talked about, Trump had kind of a weird answer: “We’re just friends.” Just friends? What happened up in that apartment?

What could these two have to talk about? I can’t think of anything they could possibly have in common. They’re completely, totally different people from two different worlds. I mean, Trump goes on these crazy Twitter rants at 3:00 a.m. and Kanye — well, he also does that all the time.

But one of them famously appears on a huge reality show and the other one — OK, yes, he was also on a huge reality show.

One of them is constantly claiming that awards shows are rigged and the other — OK, that’s also a bad example.

When Kanye said he was running for president, we all dismissed it as a silly joke. But when Trump said he was running for — dammit!

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Donald Trump met with Kanye West today — what an amazing thing to see. Our next two presidents side by side.

Kanye tweeted, “It’s important to have a direct line of communication with our future president if we truly want change.” Yeah, that’s great for you, but what about us?

Kanye needs to stay close to Donald Trump because at this point he’s the only person who can afford to buy his sneakers.

On Twitter Trump announced his nominee for secretary of state, Rex Tillerson, CEO of a small mom-and-pop business called Exxon Mobil. He announced he’s changing his slogan from “drain the swamp” to “fill ’er up!”

These cabinet appointments are something else. I can’t wait to see who he picks to actually be president of this country.

Thu, 12/22/16

Joke Day: #3771

From: 12/13/16
(**Part 3**)

Top of Page   Joke: 21/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

This morning, Kanye West actually showed up to meet with Donald Trump at Trump Tower. People were shocked — they didn’t expect those two to meet until the first presidential debate in 2020.

Trump announced he’s nominating Exxon Mobil CEO Rex Tillerson to be his secretary of state, even though Rex supposedly has a friendly relationship with Vladimir Putin. Today, Rex said, “Putin and I aren’t friends,” while Putin said, “That’s SO something Rex would say.”

Apple just said its new “AirPod” wireless earbuds WOULD be available, after reports that they wouldn’t be ready for the holidays. When asked what happened, Apple said, “We finally found them behind the couch cushions.”

After two seasons, Netflix has canceled its series “Marco Polo.” They ended “Marco Polo” the way everyone does — by getting out of the pool and not telling the other person.

Researchers at Cornell University have invented a soft robot hand that can touch fragile items and even sense their shape and texture. When asked what they’ve used the hand for, researchers said, “That’s not important!”

Conan O'Brien

Mitt Romney tweeted that it was “an honor” to be considered for secretary of state. Romney then tweeted, “Oh, and has anyone seen my dignity?”

A friend of Donald Trump’s said that Trump dangled the office of secretary of state to Mitt Romney to “torture him.” You can watch the whole thing in the new series “White Billionaire Pranks.”

Today, Donald Trump met with Kanye West. It’s always cool when two future presidents hang out.

A NASA scientist has warned that Earth is unprepared for a surprise asteroid hit, and said, “There’s not a hell of a lot we can do about it.” So, ladies and gentlemen, happy holidays!

Donald Trump’s pick for secretary of state, Rex Tillerson, was once the president of the Boy Scouts of America. Or as Donald Trump calls that, “government experience.”

A flight attendant has pled guilty to smuggling 60 pounds of cocaine in her carry-on bag. People got suspicious when her safety lecture went on for four hours.

A new lawsuit claims that Uber employees use passenger data to stalk celebrities. When I called to complain, Uber said, “Don’t worry, Conan, we didn’t mean you.”

Fri, 12/23/16

Joke Day: #3772

From: Coming Soon

Top of Page   Joke: 22/25

From 12/14/16
(**Part 1**)

The Late Late Show with James Corden

The dating app Tinder is now available on Apple TV. Tinder on television — so now a room full of people can judge you based solely on your looks.

People got to use a new technology when the ride-sharing service Uber introduced their self-driving cars to the city of San Francisco. Yeah, because when looking for a place to roll out an experimental driverless car, you always want to pick the city with the steepest hills.

Uber just rolled out a new regulation — you can now get banned from the ride-sharing service if you have sex in one of their cars. Cab drivers heard this and they were like, “We’re back, baby!”

Jimmy Kimmel Live

It’s beginning to feel like Christmas here in Hollywood. There’s gingerbread syrup in our lattes. There’s fake snow in our outdoor shopping malls. Tiny Chihuahuas in Santa hats are peeking out of our Louis Vuitton bags. It’s really a wonderful time of the year.

Yesterday the president-elect met with Bill Gates, Jim Brown, and Kanye West. Today he met with executives from Amazon, Tesla, Apple, Google, and Facebook. He gathered all the major tech execs for a very important role: He wanted to see if any of them could figure out his iTunes login.

The CEO of Twitter, Jack Dorsey, did not meet with Donald Trump, I’m guessing for the same reason Dr. Frankenstein never went out of his way to meet the monster.

Google released their list of the most-searched phrases of 2016. The top-trending search terms were Powerball, Prince, Hurricane Matthew, and Pokémon Go. I think that sums up our priorities as Americans: money, celebrities, the weather, and playing games on our phones.

Sat, 12/24/16

Joke Day: #3773

From: 12/14/16
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 23/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

We’re just 10 days away from Christmas! And if you want to know if Santa has you on his “nice” list or his “naughty” list, just ask Russia to hack it for you.

The Democratic National Committee was actually hacked because one of its directors clicked on a fake email to change his password, which gave Russia access to his account. Then Hillary said, “I can’t believe you’d be so careless with your email!”

And it turns out that two separate Russian hacking groups named Cozy Bear and Fancy Bear were targeting the DNC. It’s confusing, ’cuz “Cozy Bear” and “Fancy Bear” are also Trump and Putin’s nicknames for each other.

When an FBI agent first contacted the DNC to tell them they’d been hacked, the person who took the call thought it was a prank. “Yeah, it happens more than you’d think,” said FBI Agent Seymour Butts.

Tinder is available on the new Apple TV app so you can see your matches on your TV screen. It’s pretty romantic — you can go from finding a person with your remote control, to fighting over the remote control with that person.

Conan O'Brien

The oldest living American, a New Jersey woman, has just turned 114. At her birthday party she said, “Why are we celebrating? I just spent 114 years in New Jersey.”

So far, President-elect Donald Trump’s cabinet is over 75% white men. It’s the first presidential cabinet in history to be sponsored by Dockers.

Kanye West tweeted a photo of a Donald Trump-signed copy of Time Magazine’s Person of the Year issue. Trump signed it, “To my good friend, Ben Carson.”

According to a new report, the cost of all the gifts listed in “The Twelve Days of Christmas” song is up $233 from last year. Man, that Lords a Leaping union is killing us.

Sun, 12/25/16

Joke Day: #3774

From: 12/19/16
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 24/25

Conan O'Brien

It’s rumored that the iPhone 8 will have a curved screen made by Samsung. The screen wasn’t meant to be curved, that’s just the shape it melted into when it caught fire.

Health officials say there’s a new trend of women using marijuana during their pregnancy. Which explains why this year’s most popular baby name is Funyuns.

According to a new study that just came out, older men who frequently use a sauna are less likely to develop dementia. Which is too bad, because if you’re spending that much time looking at old naked guys, there’s probably a lot you’d want to forget.

Yesterday was Keith Richards’ birthday. He would have been 73.

So far Donald Trump’s cabinet picks have a net worth of over $14 billion. So hopefully, Trump’s plan to balance the budget involves calling a meeting and then just passing the hat around.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

The Electoral College met today to cast their ballots for president and vice president. It’s the first college Donald Trump has gotten into without a letter from his father.

President Obama recently said that he and Donald Trump most likely have different definitions of political correctness. And just as likely, different spellings.

John McCain criticized President Obama yesterday and said he “has no strategy and no policy” on dealing with Russia’s recent hackings. Oh, he has a strategy all right — it’s called running out the clock.

The price of gold increased today after falling to its lowest level in almost a year. Which can only mean one thing — Trump is remodeling his bathroom.

Mon, 12/26/2016

Joke Day: #3775

From: 12/19/16
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 25/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Today, the Electoral College officially cast its votes for president, and Bill Clinton actually teared up after voting for Hillary, saying that he’s never cast a vote he’s been prouder of. Then he said, “Except for that wet T-shirt contest I judged in Cancun.”

President Barack Obama just held the final news conference of his presidency and at the end, Obama wished everyone a Mele Kalikimaka, which is the Hawaiian greeting for Merry Christmas. Mele Kalikimaka is also what Donald Trump tweeted when he was just trying to spell Merry Christmas.

Jacksonville Jaguars coach Gus Bradley was fired yesterday after the team lost nine games in a row. Or as the Cleveland Browns put it, “So he’s available?”

NBC is launching an all-Olympic channel next year. It will feature the Summer Games, the Winter Games, and two years of commercials in between.

The biggest dog in the world lives in the U.K. and on its hind legs stands at 7 feet, 6 inches tall. When asked if he likes being taken for a walk, his owner said, “I love it.”