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Joke of the Day

Day # Range: 3726 - 3750

Date Range: 10/24/16 ~ 11/16/16

Mon, 10/31/16

Joke Day: #3726

From: 10/24/16
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 01/25

The Late Late Show with James Corden

Hillary's voters are now more excited to vote for Hillary than Trump voters are to vote for Trump. Which is crazy because getting excited about Hillary is like getting excited about taking your car in for an oil change. It's not fun, but the alternative is your car bursting into flames.

I can't imagine why people are less excited about voting for Trump, but I guess it could have something to do with insulting women, insulting minorities, bragging about sexual assault, making fun of disabled people, making fun of military veterans, making fun of NFL players who get concussions, antagonizing fellow Republican, not releasing his taxes, not having any real political platform, banning journalists, re-tweeting white supremacists, and having hair that looks like a poorly constructed scarecrow. Other than that, I've no idea where he lost people.

Trump has received his first and only endorsement from a major newspaper — the Las Vegas Review-Journal said that Trump does not represent the danger his critics claim. Which is not exactly a ringing endorsement. That's like a restaurant review that says this place probably won't even give you food poisoning.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Trump campaign manager Kellyanne Conway admitted this weekend that Donald Trump is trailing Hillary Clinton. Said Conway, "No, literally, he's trailing her."

Donald Trump said at a rally this weekend that Hillary Clinton was exhausted and weak after the debates. Yeah, probably because you kept sniffing all the oxygen out of the room.

Many news outlets are saying Donald Trump will almost certainly pivot to media and launch his own TV network after the election. Which means as early as next year we could see Trump TV filing for bankruptcy.

President Obama last week said that this year's election is like Dante's "Inferno." Well that's fine, as long as it doesn't turn into a disco inferno.

Samsung announced recently that people who turn in their recalled Galaxy Note 7 phones will be eligible for a free Note 8 next year when it debuts. Said customers, "I'm not falling for it. I've been burned by Samsung before."

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

The Chicago Cubs are going to the World Series! The Cubs are playing another lovable loser, the Cleveland Indians. The two teams have a combined 176 years without a championship. To put that in perspective, that is almost as long as a baseball game feels.

Speaking of single-minded, century-long quests for victory at all costs, Hillary Clinton is in the news. As a native Chicagoan, Hillary Clinton's a lifelong Cubs fan. In fact, a picture of her reacting to the Cubs win went viral over the weekend. [show photo of wide-eyed Hillary's reaction] She hasn't been this excited since that time she saw shiny balloons [shows photo of Hillary with same expression from Democratic National Convention].

CNN is reporting that Clinton "may have gone to Cubs games with her father as a kid, but after leaving Illinois, and around the same time she ran for Senate in New York, the former first lady touted her love for the New York Yankees." How convenient. As a 10-year-old she wears a Cubs hat. A mere 40 years later, she's in a Yankees hat. Is there no hat she won't wear? (shows fake photo of Hillary in "Make America Great Again" cap] OK, there's one hat.

Tue, 11/01/16

Joke Day: #3727

From: 10/24/16
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 02/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

I want to say congratulations to the Chicago Cubs and the Cleveland Indians, who are set to play each other in the World Series! Or as voters put it, “Finally – a crazy match-up we can actually ENJOY!”

The Cubs are going to the World Series for the first time in 71 years! And if you remember the last time the Cubs were in the World Series, congratulations on staying up this late.

One of the big stories about the Cubs is the so-called “Curse of the Billy Goat,” which occurred back in the '40s when they turned a fan and his pet goat away because goats aren’t allowed in the ballpark. Or as hot dog vendors put it, “That’s what YOU think.”

On Friday, a massive cyber-attack brought down several websites for 11 hours, including Twitter. Experts say it was the best thing to happen to Donald Trump’s campaign in weeks.

Speaking of Donald Trump, his son Eric was out on the campaign trail, and a lot of people online noticed that Eric was photographed at an In-N-Out Burger holding a free water cup that was filled with lemonade. While the employee who gave it to him said, “That wasn’t lemonade.”

Conan O'Brien

Over the weekend in Gettysburg, Donald Trump told a crowd that as soon as the election ends he will sue the women accusing him of sexual misconduct. It’s being called "the second greatest Gettysburg Address in history."

On Friday, a cyber-attack shut down Amazon, CNN, and Twitter. Apparently, the cyber-terrorists shut down Amazon first, then Amazon suggested they may also like CNN and Twitter.

Last Friday, Amazon, CNN, and Twitter were all down all over the United States. It’s a chilling day that will one day be known in history as "Productive Friday."

There is a new bike lock that prevents theft by releasing a gas that makes a robber throw up if they cut the lock. So, the good news is: Your bike wasn’t stolen. The bad news: It’s covered in robber vomit.

During a campaign event at a Florida pumpkin patch, Donald Trump met with pumpkin farmers. There was an awkward moment when one of the pumpkin farmers tried to carve Trump’s head.

Wed, 11/02/16

Joke Day: #3728

From: 10/25/16
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 03/25

Jimmy Kimmel Live

This is the biggest night for Major League Baseball in a very long time. Not your usual World Series. Tonight from Cleveland, game one between the Indians and the Cubs. Two perennial losers. Neither the Cubs nor Indians have won the World Series since two months before Jesus was born.

Kanye West is threatening to boycott the Grammy Awards next year. He’s upset not because of his own music, he’s upset because of somebody else’s — Frank Ocean’s two most recent albums aren’t eligible because apparently they missed the submission deadline. Can you imagine a Grammys without Kanye being there? It will be peaceful, right?

When is Kanye NOT mad at the Grammys? What he should do is threaten to show up at the Grammys; that would fix them.

The Trump campaign launched what they say will be a nightly show on Facebook Live called “Trump Tower Live.” Some people believe he’s starting to build a new channel called Trump TV, which is great news — finally we get a chance to see Donald Trump on TV.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

A political science professor at SUNY Stony Brook claims he has developed a new mathematical model that predicts Donald Trump will win the election. Said Trump, “Mathematical model? She sounds ugly. Hard pass.”

Donald Trump today criticized some of his Republican primary opponents for refusing to endorse him, saying, quote, “I don’t know how they live with themselves.” Said his opponents, “We don’t. We live with our wives.”

Donald Trump’s campaign manager, Kellyanne Conway, appeared on Trump’s new Facebook Live show and said Trump “unequivocally” will win the election. So, look out, CNN! There’s a NEW often-wrong news channel in town!

Hundreds of Harvard students staged a walkout this week in solidarity with university dining hall workers who are on strike. Said Harvard students, “You can’t take advantage of them just ’cause they went to Yale!”

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

The government just announced that next year [Obamacare] premiums are going up by 25 percent. I haven’t seen Obama hike something so high since he stopped wearing mom jeans.

Affordable healthcare will just never work for this country. Insane medical bills are as American as hot dogs, apple pie, and the $3,600 bill to remove the hot dog lodged in your apple pie hole.

And the next president clearly will have to come in and clean up this mess. Unless it’s Trump, in which case, all healthcare will be replaced by a “Dr. Oz” episode about calf implants.

WikiLeaks has been releasing emails from the Clinton campaign, because they’re committed to transparency — or however you say “transparency” in Russian. Transparenchnik.

Thu, 11/03/16

Joke Day: #3729

From: 10/25/16
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 04/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Donald Trump’s running mate, Mike Pence, threw a baseball to reporters today with a note saying that he’s rooting for the Cubs. And then the reporters turned the ball over and the other side said, “Help!”

Donald Trump’s campaign has to be getting a little worried because of some of the new poll numbers. Even Trump himself actually admitted that he’s somewhat behind in the polls but not by much. But remember, this is a guy that thinks a million dollars from your dad is just a small loan.

Yesterday, The New York Times published a giant list of everyone and everything Trump has insulted on Twitter since declaring his candidacy. Then they had to print a correction today after Donald Trump insulted the list itself.

Hillary Clinton made a surprise stop at a campaign event in North Carolina this week where the actress who plays Crazy Eyes on “Orange Is the New Black” was volunteering. Crazy Eyes said it was an honor to meet Crazy Smile.

Conan O'Brien

Analysts are speculating that communication between Donald Trump and his campaign manager, Kellyanne Conway, has become practically nonexistent. They say if she spoke to Trump any less, they’d be married.

A new report in Indiana has found that thousands of dead people are still registered to vote. Which explains why today, Donald Trump held four rallies and three séances.

The Vatican has issued new guidelines on cremation, saying Catholics must bury the ashes in a cemetery. Which is too bad, because I wanted my ashes to be a secret ingredient on the show “Chopped.”

It’s come out that Donald Trump has spent a large portion of his campaign donations buying copies of his own book, “The Art of the Deal.” Trump supporters are angry that he misused their money, and even angrier that he bought a book.

A youth football team in Rhode Island was kicked out of its league after they snuck an adult man into their starting lineup. On the bright side, Tim Tebow scored 12 touchdowns.

Fri, 11/04/16

Joke Day: #3730

From: 10/26/16
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 05/25

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Happy birthday to Hillary Clinton, who turned 69 today. She made a wish, and then deleted the candles.

In an interview last night with MSNBC, Donald Trump’s running mate Mike Pence accidentally referred to Trump as his opponent. Which is ridiculous — everyone knows Trump is his own opponent.

Trump supporter Newt Gingrich last night accused Fox News’ Megyn Kelly of being “fascinated with sex” by continuing to report on women accusing Donald Trump of inappropriate behavior. Newt, there’s a difference between being “fascinated by sex” and being “horrified by sexual assault.” It’s kind of like Beyoncé and Rihanna — everyone knows the difference except old white men.

Microsoft announced a free update to Windows today that allows users to take photos and edit them in 3D. Critics are calling it “the most exciting thing you’ll ever explain to your grandma.”

A school in California is testing a new program that forgoes traditional teachers and has students teach and grade each other’s classwork. So good luck to the students at “Straight A’s Academy!”

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

We are 13 days from the election, and it is a hard time for those on board the Trump train because somehow, it hit an iceberg and is sinking.

Trump’s surrogates are doing just what the passengers on the “Titanic” did — remaining calm on the ship and talking about how great it is.

Last night, former Speaker Newt Gingrich was asked by Megyn Kelly if Trump is a sexual predator. Gingrich accused Kelly of being more fascinated with sex than public policy. First off, everybody is more fascinated with sex than public policy. If you’re not, there’s a pill for that now.

But the thing is, Megyn “Kelly File” isn’t talking about fun-time, bedroom whoopee-making. She’s talking about assault. Wait, unless Newt doesn’t know the difference? Maybe no one gave him the talk. Hold on, let’s do this: “Newt, sweetheart, you’re growing up so fast. In fact, you’re 73. Your body’s changing.”

Sat, 11/05/16

Joke Day: #3731

From: 10/26/16
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 06/25

The Late Late Show with James Corden

We would be remiss if we didn’t start off by wishing Hillary Clinton a happy birthday. It must be tough being a close friend of Hillary. I mean, no matter what you get Hillary Clinton for her birthday, it will never be as good as the gift Billy Bush gave her.

Hillary’s birthday party is just like any other birthday party except when people yell “speech, speech,” she charges them $250,000.

Last night was game one of the World Series, the Cleveland Indians and the Chicago Cubs, and it was a shutout. The Cubs never even scored. They should change their name to the James Cordens in High School.

Cubs fans believe that they’ve been cursed since 1945 when a guy tried to bring his goat Murphy into the stadium but was denied because of the goat’s foul odor. To be clear, they didn’t let the goat in not because it was a goat but because it smelled bad. That is how long it’s been since the Cubs were even in the World Series — goat admittance was on a case-by-case basis.

Last night Taco Bell did a promotion where if a player stole a base, everyone in America would get a free Doritos Locos Taco. And this is a great way for both players and fans to get a lot of runs.

The ride share company Uber announced a promotion this week called Uber Health where people can use their app toward a free flu shot. So yeah, if you don’t mind a high-tech company known for tracking people’s movements injecting you with a random substance, this is for you.

When Uber drivers were asked today if that why they had a syringe in the glove box, they were like, “Oh, yeah, yeah, sure, the flu shots. Uh-huh, the flu shots.”

Imagine how terrified you would be if you meant to call a regular Uber and suddenly a guy gets out of the car and says, “Drop your pants, this is going to take a minute.”

Jimmy Kimmel Live

This is night two of the World Series between the Chicago Cubs and the Cleveland Indians. The Cubs have not won a World Series since 1908. The Indians haven’t won since 1948, which means it will be a very big deal if either team wins. It will also be a very big deal if neither team wins.

Donald Trump was on the Herman Cain radio show yesterday criticizing, of all things, wind. He said he’s against wind turbines because they’re killing eagles and thousands of other birds. Like Bob Seger, he’s against the wind.

I happen to know why Donald Trump is against wind power and I’ll tell you, it’s not because it kills birds. Donald Trump is against wind because of what it does to his hair.

Bill Clinton is trying to figure out what his official title would be if his wife becomes president. Hillary has said that she likes the term first gentleman. She hasn’t been able to say it without laughing but she likes the term.

Bill has suggested first volunteer, first dude, and first laddie. If I had a vote I would go with the first lady’s man.

Sun, 11/06/16

Joke Day: #3732

From: 10/26/16
(**Part 3**)

Top of Page   Joke: 07/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Happy birthday to Hillary Clinton, who turned 69 years old today — while Donald Trump said, “The media is reporting that today is Hillary’s birthday, but a lot of people are telling me that it’s actually MY birthday. Rigged!”

Hillary’s press secretary posted a photo on Twitter of the staff surprising Hillary with a cake for her birthday. It was really fun — you could hardly tell that Hillary had spent two hours practicing her “surprised” face.

Hillary went to a fundraiser here in New York City that was attended by Stevie Wonder. And even Stevie was like, “Let me guess — loud pantsuit?”

It was announced that Shaquille O’Neal is now the owner of a Krispy Kreme Doughnuts franchise in downtown Atlanta. They serve all kinds of doughnuts, or as Shaq calls them, “frosted Cheerios.”

Conan O'Brien

New York Giants quarterback Eli Manning is denying reports that he yelled out “Trump!” to signal an audible during Sunday’s game. Manning said actually “Trump” is a signal for “Illegal Use of Hands.”

In an interview, Newt Gingrich accused Megyn Kelly of being more interested in sex than public policy. Then Kelly explained that everyone is more interested in sex than public policy.

A new report says North Korea’s elite get to enjoy perks like pizzas, pony rides, and dolphin shows. In other words: Kim Jong Un is running his country like a divorced dad with weekend custody.

In South Carolina, a woman was convicted of defrauding her sorority of $235,000. It was the landmark case of Jen v. A Bunch of Ashleys.

In New York, a group of Burger King employees dressed up their restaurant as a McDonald’s for Halloween. And in an even crazier stunt, Olive Garden employees dressed up their workplace as an Italian restaurant.

The Clinton campaign released a video of vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine and rapper Pusha T discussing social issues at a campaign stop. Tim Kaine had a lot of questions for Pusha T, the first being “who are you?”

Today is a special day, today is Hillary Clinton’s birthday. You could email her a birthday card, or just send it straight to WikiLeaks.

Mon, 11/07/16

Joke Day: #3733

From: 10/31/16
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 08/25

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Today was Halloween and right on cue, Hillary's private email server came back from the dead.

There are just eight days left until the election. So if anyone's still thinking of running, now's the time.

After claiming the election is rigged, Donald Trump said at a rally last week that the country should, quote, "Just cancel the election and give it to Trump." And then on Friday, FBI director James Comey said, "OK."

Donald Trump told supporters last night that Hillary Clinton wants to bring 650 million immigrants into the United States within one week of taking office. Whereas if he wins, Canada gets 150 million immigrants.

NASA's early-warning asteroid intruder alert system spotted an asteroid as it passed by Earth last night, and I think I speak for all of us when I say, "Come back, asteroid!"

A Trump supporter was arrested in Iowa last week for in-person voter fraud after she attempted to vote twice. She said the first vote was to make America great. And the second one was to make America great again.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

On Friday, FBI Director James Comey re-animated the corpse of the Hillary Clinton email scandal. It's alive! It's alive!

The FBI found the emails while investigating illicit messages sent to an underage girl by Clinton aide Huma Abedin's estranged husband and es-strange guy Anthony Weiner.

Apparently, they found them while searching his laptop. Dear God, I hope they used gloves.

This October surprise comes right as Secretary Clinton was riding high in the polls in the wake of sexual assault accusations against Donald Trump. Truly, for the Clinton campaign, horny men giveth, and horny men taketh away.

Tue, 11/08/16

Joke Day: #3734

From: 10/31/16
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 09/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

It is Halloween, which means you just spent the night handing out candy, or you've been sitting completely still in the dark, pretending that you weren't home.

I saw a new study that says that eating over 1,500 pieces of candy corn could actually kill you. Which shouldn't be a problem since the current record for eating a piece of candy corn is two.

Hillary Clinton got quite a scare tonight. I guess a trick-or-treater came to the door dressed as a lie detector.

When kids rang Donald Trump's bell and yelled, “Trick or treat,” Trump yelled “Trick,” and before the kids could grab any candy, declared bankruptcy. Boom, just like that.

These Hillary email scandals brought Anthony Weiner back into the news. Here's a question nobody is asking. Anthony Weiner is Jewish, right? Right? So, does this scandal make him a Hebrew National Weiner?

The Late Late Show with James Corden

It makes sense on the weekend of Halloween that Donald Trump's campaign comes back from the dead for one final scare.

On Friday, FBI Director James Comey sent a letter to Republican lawmakers saying he has found new emails that may be involved in the Hillary Clinton email scandal and that the FBI plans to investigate. Donald Trump has been caught on tape admitting he gropes women and yet the election has turned back to emails.

The emails the FBI are investigating actually came from the computer of Anthony Weiner. Anthony Weiner is, of course, the politician who was disgraced for sending naked pictures to, well, just about everyone. Of course a Weiner was going to get in the way of the first female president in the White House.

On Sunday night, Trump supporters started using the hashtag “Hillary for Prison,” but they were adding an extra "I" so it read hashtag “Hillary for Prision." They thought that the correct spelling was being blocked by Twitter.

The thing is, nobody who wants Hillary to go to jail can even describe to you why she should have to go there. They're like, "because, you know, there was the email thing and — hashtag prision, man." Which makes me thing that these people are "mor-ions."

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Imagine what an amazing place America would be if we put as much time and effort as we do into our Halloween costumes into literally anything else.

According to a survey of over 40,000 Americans, candy corn was the most popular Halloween candy state by state. Reese's Peanut Butter Cups got the most votes overall. So basically, Reese's got the popular vote and candy corn won the Electoral College.

The bigger question is who the hell loves candy corn so much? I mean, was this a survey of people with no teeth?

In Arizona, the favored Halloween candy is Toblerone. That's when you know you have too many old people living in your state. Where do you even get Toblerone? Are children trick-or-treating at duty-free shops at the airport? I haven't seen Toblerone outside of that.

Wed, 11/16/16

Joke Day: #3735

From: 11/01/16
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 10/25

Late Night With Seth Meyers

The 2016 presidential election is in exactly one week! One weak Republican, and one weak Democrat.

That’s right, there’s exactly one week until Election Day, and this is probably a bad sign, but that’s where the calendar just stops.

Ted Cruz posted a photo on Twitter last night of himself dressed as the Phantom of the Opera for Halloween. Said trick-or-treaters, “Aggh! We can still see half your face!”

A Pennsylvania rapper who has a song called “Sell Drugz” was arrested this week for allegedly selling narcotics. Even worse, his attorney has a song called “Lose Cases.”

Google has announced it is partnering with the new Harry Potter spinoff to create an app that will allow fans to use spells to control their phones. Hopefully it includes the spell “Group Textus Removus.”

Google is reportedly working on an update to the mobile version of its Chrome web browser to make it easier for people to use one handed. So I guess they’re finally admitting what most people are using the Internet for.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

Mark one’s calendar because Election Day is but one week away. Seven days. Enough time to tell your family you love them and make your peace with God. As the captain of the “Titanic” once said, “This is not a drill.”

The polls are tightening. The latest ABC News/ Washington Post poll has Donald Trump moving ahead of Hillary Clinton by one point as enthusiasm declines. Though, to be fair, any time Trump gets close to a woman, enthusiasm tends to decline.

For the first time in their 111-year history, Variety has endorsed a presidential candidate — Hillary Clinton. That’s right, the magazine named Variety said, “Let’s have a second President Clinton!”

Democratic contributor Donna Brazile has resigned from CNN after WikiLeaks revealed she leaked a primary debate question to the Clinton campaign. Turns out the question was about lead poisoning in Flint, Michigan. So, finally, someone lost their job over Flint.

Thu, 11/17/16

Joke Day: #3736

From: 11/01/16
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 11/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

While hosting their final White House Halloween party yesterday, first lady Michelle Obama actually told the kids, “Hey! Candy for everybody!” Then Barack looked around and was like, “OK, who’s that in the Michelle Obama costume?”

The election is just one week from today. So I guess in one week, we’ll know if Donald Trump is our next president — or if Hillary Clinton rigged the election.

A memo from a veteran spy says that Vladimir Putin has been supporting Donald Trump for five years. After hearing this, Trump said, “Oh my God, I forgot it was our anniversary! What do you get for five years? I hope it’s not CHINA?”

There are rumors that Kim Jong Un’s wife is pregnant with their second child. And you’ll know the baby is Kim Jong Un’s when it ALSO kinda looks like a baby.

This month, the world’s oldest person will turn 117, and she says she eats two raw eggs every day. When asked what she wants for her birthday, she said, “A skillet. I’ve been asking for a pan since 1916.”

The Late Late Show with James Corden

Halloween is over, now it’s on to stage two of your holiday weight-gain, Thanksgiving. This is the day where everyone decides between booking a flight to your family for Thanksgiving or just staying home and being happy.

Last night, on a plane from Boston to L.A., a dad passed out candy to passengers so that his three-year-old daughter who was on the plane with him could go trick-or-treating. That’s sweet because you weren’t on the plane. You forget that after that, they all enjoyed a five-hour flight with a wired three-year-old running around on a sugar high.

I think he may be setting her up for a life of disappointment, because getting on a flight and everyone loving you and giving you whatever you want, that’s the opposite of flying.

The holiday season is in full swing, and you know that because Starbucks has changed the color of their cups. Some people are saying they were angry when they went to get their red cup and, instead, got a green cup. And if you’re one of the people upset by this, you need to switch to decaf.

Dunkin’ Donuts is releasing a new iced doughnut filled with vanilla-flavored buttercream, and topped with a sprinkling of crushed candy cane. On the bright side, Dunkin’ Donuts finally put “Jesus” back into Christmas. As in, “Jesus, you’re not going to eat that, are you?”

Fri, 11/18/16

Joke Day: #3737

From: 11/02/16
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 12/25

Conan O'Brien

What an insane week this is. The Cubs may win the World Series, Donald Trump may be elected president, and the whitest man in America is on stage at the Apollo! It’s officially the end of days, ladies and gentlemen. This was prophesied in the Bible.

The rumor now is that there’s a Donald Trump sex tape. Yes! In response, Trump is saying, “Vote for me or I’ll release it. “

Yesterday, in a speech, President Obama said that when voting, young men should look deep inside themselves. So, as of an hour ago, the front-runner is Kate Upton.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Former Congressman Anthony Weiner has reportedly checked into rehab for sex addiction after his numerous sexting scandals. Weiner has asked for privacy and also the Wi-Fi password.

After the KKK’S official newspaper endorsed Donald Trump yesterday, the campaign released a response calling the paper “repulsive, also their crossword puzzle is way too easy.” [shows crossword with letter “K” in every square]

A recent study found that always letting children win games in competitions could damage their ability to learn. Which is scary, because [shows picture of pouting Trump] we’re six days away from letting the biggest child win the biggest game.

In anticipation of her victory, Hillary Clinton has reportedly planned a fireworks show over the Hudson River for election night. Oh god, remember how excited she got over balloons? What’s she going to do if she sees fireworks?

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

A lot of Democrats are blaming [the tightening race on] FBI Director James Comey’s bombshell announcement last week that Huma Abedin also uses email. We didn’t know. Nobody knew! It was a shocker.

It looks like the FBI is trying to hurt Hillary’s campaign, which has a lot of people upset. Mostly Russia. That’s THEIR gig.

And now, the FBI just released documents from their 2001 probe into Bill Clinton’s pardon of shady billionaire Marc Rich. This is a clear breach of protocol. If the FBI is going to release documents from 2001, you do it on Throwback Thursday

Women on the U.S. Olympic team won more medals than the men, and perhaps most excitingly, Bono has been named the first man on Glamour’s Women of the Year list. You did it, ladies! Congratulations. Women have come so far, now you’re men.

I assume for Bono to be on this list, every other woman has already gotten one of these.

Sat, 11/19/16

Joke Day: #3738

From: 11/02/16
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 13/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

A new poll finds that Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton are in a statistical tie just a week from Election Day. But on the bright side, at least Trump’s finally in a tie that was made in America.

A pair of tickets to tonight’s Game 7 sold on StubHub for almost $40,000. And the couple still left in the seventh inning to beat traffic. “Get your purse, Linda, we’ll catch the end on the radio.”

Both Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump have run national commercials during the World Series games, marking the only time Cubs and Indians fans were booing at the same time.

Apple’s new iOS update actually changed the peach emoji so that it no longer looks like a cartoon butt.

A tech blogger in California used a weather balloon to drop an iPhone from the edge of space, at 100,000 feet in the air, to see what would happen — and still, somehow the phone landed in the guy’s toilet.

Conan O'Brien

Wednesday night at the Apollo is usually amateur night, but since our show is here tonight, we’re going to aim lower than that — and we will hit it!

The Late Late Show with James Corden

It was National Stress Awareness day today and due to the election, plenty of people have something to be stressed about. In fact, when asked on a scale of one to 10 how stressed they are right now, most voters punched the pollster in the face.

If you think it is stressful for you, at least you can vote. I’m British. I’m on the sidelines. To me, this is just the most important season of “The Bachelor” ever. Give her the rose, America.

Now a lot of voters’ stress has been caused by the bombshell FBI Director James Comey dropped on Friday when he said he was going to investigate more emails on Hillary’s private server. Trump’s feeling so sure of himself now that he actually asked early Hillary voters in Wisconsin to change their vote if they have “buyer’s remorse.” Yeah, and if anyone knows about buyer’s remorse, it is the guy who gets remarried every few years.

In fact, buyer’s remorse is the only thing that anyone learned from enrolling at Trump University.

If anyone has buyer’s remorse, it’s the Republican Party, isn’t it? They’re like, “Can I exchange this Trump for a Marco Rubio? What’s that, you only have a Ben Carson? Don’t worry, we’re fine.”

No matter what side you’re on, people are stressed about what’s about to happen after the election. In fact, things have gotten so crazy that Joe Walsh, a former Republican congressman, tweeted: “On Nov. 8, I’m voting for Trump. On Nov. 9, if Trump loses, I’m grabbing my musket.” To be honest, it is just nice to hear a Republican saying is he going to grab something that’s not part of a woman.

Sun, 11/20/16

Joke Day: #3739

From: 11/03/16
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 14/25

Late Night With Seth Meyers

So the Indians lost last night. While other minorities will find out if they lost on Tuesday.

Authorities are investigating why an official FBI Twitter account, that have been dormant for over a year, suddenly posted several tweets praising Donald Trump. Oh, you don’t know why? Well, take your time. I won’t “Russia.”

Donald Trump will reportedly hold a small gathering on election night instead of a large celebration, because he is superstitious. Oh, sorry, I read that wrong, “super racist.”

Former KKK leader David Duke told reporters today that if he’s elected to the Senate, he would be Donald Trump’s most loyal advocate. When asked what he’d do if Trump loses, Duke said, “I’ll burn that cross when we come to it.”

According to a new poll, Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton are neck-and-neck in New Hampshire, while Chris Christie isn’t even neck.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

The Cubs won the World Series! The curse is lifted. For the first time in a century, Wrigley Field is covered in victory vomit.

Congratulations, Chicago. [whispering] I’m sure you just woke up, so shhh. Lay your head back down on that half-chewed Italian beef and snuggle up to the goat you brought home. You earned it.

Last night was a storybook extra-innings World Series classic — a lead-off home run, big leads swept away in seconds, rolling out tarps in the bottom of the ninth, five hours of grown men chewing and spitting! Between the rain delay and the gallons of saliva, Joe Madden had to go out to the mound in water wings.

After working through all their starters, the Cubs had to swap out their closer, Aroldis Chapman, for this guy, [shows photo] who appears to be Chapman’s 11-year-old nephew who asked to pitch in the World Series for his birthday, but is in fact Carl Edwards, Jr. Congratulations, Carl.

Mon, 11/21/16

Joke Day: #3740

From: 11/03/16
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 15/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Congratulations to the Chicago Cubs, who won their first World Series in 108 years. When asked how it was to witness history, Cubs fans said, “I don’t remember.”

They mentioned the tarp used during last night’s rain delay was once a poncho worn by New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie.

Another big story is that Cubs team president Theo Epstein has now ended World Series droughts for both the Chicago Cubs and the Boston Red Sox. Now, he’s going to take on his toughest job yet, president of RadioShack.

Theo Epstein said last night that he’s going on a month-long bender to celebrate. Hillary Clinton was like, “If you can wait five more days, I’ll join you.”

The Late Late Show with James Corden

The FDA is currently debating whether the chocolate hazelnut topping Nutella should be classified as a dessert or a spread. Which is ridiculous. Nutella isn’t a dessert or a spread, it’s a cry for help.

The Food and Drug Administration is asking people what they use Nutella for, and 37 percent said dessert, 23 percent said as a spread, and 40 percent said they use it as a replacement for their girlfriend.

Also in the news, last night the Cubs won the World Series for the first time since 1908. That’s so long ago, the 2016 election hadn’t even started yet.

The Cubs went 108 years without winning the World Series. The only drought more epic than that was the one I experienced during college. I’m joking — I didn’t go to college.

Now, you may have noticed that a lot of times on this show I have taken issue with baseball. I have said some terrible things about baseball in the past. Things like, “I don’t like baseball. I can’t bear it, make the games five hours shorter.”

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Last night was the most watched baseball game in 25 years. The Cubs won the World Series for the first time since 1908. If there were any Cubs fans still alive from the last time they won, they definitely died in the eighth inning.

It was funny hearing all the reporters after the game saying things like the last time the Cubs won the World Series you couldn’t listen to it on the radio because radio hadn’t been invented yet, and the last time the Cubs won the World Series, people weren’t able to clap because we still had flippers. What we now call humans were still evolving from the sea.

Ted Cruz wants to make America great again. Remember the guy everyone wanted to punch in the face? He campaigned on behalf of Trump today, a man who insulted his wife and his father and his face.

Back then Ted Cruz called Trump a sniveling coward, but at a rally with Mike Pence today, he told the crowd he believes Donald Trump is the sniveling coward this country needs right now. Clearly, the man has no principles whatsoever.

Tue, 11/22/16

Joke Day: #3741

From: 11/07/16
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 16/25

Jimmy Kimmel Live

If you haven’t yet registered to vote, it’s not — oh, wait, it IS too late, forget it, you don’t get to vote.

Tomorrow we will elect either Biff from “Back to the Future” or one of the robots from “Westworld.” You will decide.

There used to be a tradition of heavy drinking on Election Day. People used to get drunk like St. Patrick’s Day, then they passed all sorts of laws to prevent that from happening. I think this is the year to bring that tradition back.

If there’s one thing that we learned from this election, it’s that we never, ever should have taught our moms how to use Facebook; that was a mistake.

There’s been a lot of fighting, a lot of arguing. Whoever wins, I want us to all promise one thing: Let’s never do this again.

We tried democracy, I think we proved we’re not mature enough to handle it, we can’t do this. Let’s go back to only caring about pet videos.

In other words, stand in line and then take that “I Voted” sticker and put it right over your lips. We don’t want to hear about it anymore.

In less than 24 hours the election will be over. The race for the White House in 2020 will begin in two months, I guess.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Tomorrow is Election Day, so it’s time to finally decide. Are you with her, or are you with the FBI, Vladimir Putin, the KKK and Scott Baio?

It’s finally Election Day, which means CNN’s countdown clock starts all over again.

The final polls from the major news outlets show Hillary Clinton with anywhere between a 4- and 6-point lead, or as The Huffington Post reported it, “a 46-point lead!”

Donald Trump was rushed off the stage at a rally over the weekend after someone in the crowd yelled, “Gun,” which is surprising because I just assumed that’s how people at Trump rallies greeted each other. “Gun!” “And gun to you, good sir!” “A good gun to us all!”

According to the New York Times, Donald Trump’s press aides have revoked access to his Twitter account in the final days before the election. They changed his password to something he would never guess: “ILoveWomenOver40

Trump’s aides have taken away his Twitter but don’t worry, he is still tearing it up on Yelp.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

In Philadelphia, Hillary Clinton held a huge rally in front of Independence Hall with Bruce Springsteen. Bruce talked about global warming and trade policy. Hillary, as always, closed with “Thunder Road.”

This weekend, aides to Donald Trump have finally wrested away his Twitter account. What?! You can’t take away Trump’s Twitter account! That’s like taking away Batman’s utility belt! All you’re left with is a billionaire with anger issues. He’s got none of his tools!

Trump based his whole campaign on that Twitter account. What’s he going to do now? Write messages in bronzer on bedsheets and hang them out the window of Trump Tower?

Twitter is Trump’s lifeline to the world, especially since it turns out that Donald Trump does not use a computer. No computer at all. He even files his taxes the old-fashioned way — not.

Wed, 11/23/16

Joke Day: #3742

From: 11/07/16
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 17/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

The election is finally here and tomorrow, people who cast their vote will receive one of those “I Voted” stickers. Actually, with such a crazy election, they’re going with a different sticker this year: “So, That Happened.”

The New York Times reported that people running Donald Trump’s campaign have blocked him from using Twitter. More accurately, they’ve switched his phone with a calculator, and he still hasn’t noticed.

Sources say that Trump is already finalizing his cabinet in case he wins tomorrow. Rudy Giuliani would be attorney general, Newt Gingrich would be secretary of state, and Chris Christie would be the wall.

Out of the 100 largest newspapers in America, Hillary has been endorsed by 57, while Trump has only been endorsed by two. The most shocking part of that story is that America still has 100 newspapers.

The Late Late Show with James Corden

In less than 24 hours the election will be over. Right now, Hillary has the edge and Trump supporters are threatening that if she wins, there might be a revolution. Americans these days can’t get nine guys to show up for softball every Thursday night, do you think they’re going to be signing up for a revolt?

They’re going to be like, “Ah, I can’t do Wednesday, I’ve got a parent-teacher conference Wednesday. Can we move the revolt to the weekend?” “I can’t, the kids have got judo. They’re doing so well.”

One thing helping Hillary is the fact that FBI Director James Comey told Congress on Sunday that his latest probe into her emails still found no evidence of wrongdoing. This is a complete reversal of the bombshell letter he sent last week. It makes Director Comey look really bad; in fact, now at the top of the FBI’s most wanted list is a new FBI director. This investigation of Clinton’s emails was built up to be this huge game-changer and in the end there was nothing to it. It was basically the Apple Watch of scandals.

The early voting results are in and on Saturday, Nickelodeon announced the winner of its Kids Pick the President initiative. This is an event where school kids vote, and the majority were overwhelmingly for Hillary Clinton. Nickelodeon may have voted for Hillary, but we need to find out what Cartoon Network and the Disney Channel say before we can call it a lock.

Thu, 11/24/16

Joke Day: #3743

From: 11/09/16
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 18/25

Jimmy Kimmel Live

I had the weirdest, weirdest dream last night. Remember that guy who used to host “The Apprentice”? I dreamed we elected him president.

Last night Donald Trump reached out and grabbed America by the . . . Virginia.

As the evening went on and the results came in, every anchor looked like a child slowly realizing that no one was showing up to his birthday party.

Hillary underperformed among women, African-Americans, Hispanics, and young voters. Really the only place she did very well was among pollsters.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Donald Trump won the presidential election last night and then, out of habit, Kellyanne Conway said, “No, he didn’t!”

President Obama congratulated Donald Trump in a speech today and reminded the country that we “are all on the same team.” It’s just that now, half of us are on defense.

President Obama has invited Donald Trump to the White House on Thursday to discuss transition plans. And Trump is pretty nervous, he’s never been to a black man’s house before.

Apple began selling refurbished iPhones in its online store yesterday. Which is good news for the 40 million people who smashed their screens last night.

Fri, 11/25/16

Joke Day: #3744

From: 11/09/16
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 19/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Donald Trump is gonna be president. Republicans hope he’ll keep his promise to build the wall, and Democrats hope he’ll keep his promise not to accept the election results.

After the results came in, Donald Trump gave a big victory speech. He said he couldn’t have done it without the love of his life, his rock, his better half . . . FBI Director James Comey.

President Obama called Donald Trump last night to congratulate him, and even invited him to the White House for a meeting tomorrow. Of course, it was hard to understand Obama, ’cuz at the time he was chewing 80 pieces of Nicorette.

Trump also received congratulations from Russian President Vladimir Putin. They spent two minutes on the phone discussing politics, then an hour saying, “No YOU hang up!” “No YOU hang up first.”

I read that polls may have been off because the shift to cellphones made it harder to collect data from people. Then Hillary said, “They seemed to have a pretty easy time collecting data from MY phone!”

Conan O'Brien

Two things happened last night: Donald Trump got elected president, and my job just got easier for the next four years.

Last night, Donald Trump was elected president. The first thing I did this morning was call my old high school bully and congratulate him.

For the millions who are disappointed for Hillary, remember, America has a special place for people who lose. Ironically, it’s the cast of “Celebrity Apprentice.”

The Late Late Show with James Corden

People who voted for Trump are happy today. People who voted for Hillary are disappointed. But listen, no matter who you voted for, the important thing is you all got stickers.

It was a weird night to be watching the news. If you were flipping around, every news anchor on every channel was just going, “uhhh,” and then going to commercial.

When Hillary found out she lost she conceded with grace and dignity. When Gary Johnson found out he lost he was like, “Wait, the election was yesterday?”

Sat, 11/26/16

Joke Day: #3745

From: 11/10/16
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 20/25

Jimmy Kimmel Live

It was another interesting day in America today. The transfer of power has already begun at the White House this morning. President Obama sat down with President-elect Trump, but Trump did a funny thing. He came in and said, “You’re fired.”

This is the first time they met. They never met before. That must have been so strange. “Sasha, Malia, come down, meet the man who questioned Daddy’s citizenship for the last eight years.”

They were to meet for 15 minutes, but it was 90 minutes. Trump had questions for Obama, like “How the hell do I get out of this?”

They were besieged by reporters in the Oval Office at which point the president offered Mr. Trump unsolicited advice for dealing with the press. [plays clip of Obama] “Thank you, everybody. We’re not — we are not going to be taking any questions. [To Trump] This is a good rule — don’t answer any questions when they’re yelling at you.”

While their husbands were talking, the first lady met with soon-to-be first lady Melania Trump. Michelle said, “Welcome to the White House, Mrs. Trump.” And Melania said, “Welcome to the White House, Mrs. Trump.”

Vice President Joe Biden got together with incoming Vice President Mike Pence. Biden went over the primary responsibilities of being vice president, which are: not falling asleep at the State of the Union address . . . and that’s about it. So they covered that.

While our leaders try to make the best of this, millions of Americans were very unhappy about how this election played out. Thousands of protesters took to the streets last night in Chicago, New York, here in L.A., a number of cities. It’s somewhat refreshing to see people angry in real life instead of just on Facebook, isn’t it?

It was a busy bay at the White House. In addition to the Trumps, they welcomed the Cleveland Cavaliers to be honored for winning the NBA title this year. It happened to be on the same day. There was one awkward moment when LeBron James grabbed the basketball to sign it — turned out top Donald Trump’s head.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

President Obama and Donald Trump met at the White House today, where they discussed foreign and domestic policy. You know, things like which one is which.

Donald Trump visited President Obama in the White House today, which got Trump really excited to do his favorite thing: evict a black family from their home.

Newt Gingrich said in an interview yesterday that would he like to serve as chief planner for Donald Trump’s administration. But first, before starting his new job, though, he must finish up his contract at the Keebler tree.

Bernie Sanders told reporters yesterday that he is prepared to work with Donald Trump. But then he warned Trump, “I keep the office hot and I don’t clean up my pistachios.”

A group of scientists say they have been able to give paralyzed monkeys back the control of their legs using new implants. Monkeys who got their implants were like, “My eyes are up here.”

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

Trump is now receiving the classified daily intelligence briefing known as “the book,” making it the only book he owns that doesn’t have his picture on it.

Today, the transfer of power began when President Obama hosted Trump at the White House for the most surprising remake of “Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner.”

Can you imagine how awkward that meeting was? The first African-American president sitting down with a president-elect who was endorsed by the Klan? A guy who spent five years, created his political career, demanding Obama prove where he was born, then denying he did it.

What did they talk about? What was the tour like? “All right, Donald, this is the Blue Room, this is the Red Room, and down the hall is the office I said you were fundamentally unfit for. Library’s downstairs.”

Of course, Trump wasn’t alone. Melania was there for a private meeting with Michelle Obama, to ensure the peaceful transition of speeches.

Sun, 11/27/16

Joke Day: #3746

From: 11/10/16
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 21/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

It was a busy day today at the White House with President Obama hosting NBA champions the Cleveland Cavaliers, as well as President-elect Donald Trump. It actually got a little awkward when Trump walked up to LeBron James and said, “Nice to meet you, Mr. President.”

While President Obama met with Donald Trump, Michelle Obama met privately with Melania Trump. Michelle said, “It’s a pleasure to welcome you and Donald to the White House.” Melania said, “It is a pleasure to welcome you and Donald to the White House.”

So, Michelle actually had a nice time showing Melania around, although it got weird when they walked into the Lincoln Bedroom and Melania said, “Wow, what a lovely closet.”

There’s talk that Donald Trump may appoint Sarah Palin as secretary of the interior, which means she would oversee the National Park Service. When they heard that, bears were like, “Well, we had a good run.”

Later, the market went down when Trump announced he’s getting rid of Obamacare. The market went up when Trump simply assured everyone that he replaced it with “something terrific.”

Conan O'Brien

Donald Trump will be the first U.S. president ever to have appeared in an ad for Pizza Hut. In fact, some pundits are predicting Trump will run in 2020 against Flo from Progressive.

Some people are admitting that it’s weird to say “President-elect Trump.” It’s especially weird for me because “President-elect Trump” happens to be my safe word.

Melania Trump’s home country, Slovenia, is said to be “very proud” of her. Then Slovenia admitted, “We really don’t have a lot going on.”

It’s been 48 hours since the election — I’m happy to report the healing has begun. I just unblocked three family members on Facebook.

Fishermen have found a 176-pound piece of whale vomit valued at nearly $3 million. Evidently, the whale had been watching the election returns.

A man is suing Donald Trump for $1 billion, claiming the campaign caused him “emotional distress.” That man’s name is Billy Bush.

Some analysts say a Donald Trump presidency could cripple the future of legalized marijuana. And to make matters worse, once it’s crippled, Trump will make fun of it.

The Late Late Show with James Corden

Today, Donald Trump headed to Washington to meet with President Barack Obama at the White House. As his plane took off from New York, the fire department gave him a presidential sendoff by shooting water into the air. Now, apparently this is a tradition. I’m not really sure why they do this — all this did was remind us that we all needed to take a shower after this election.

It’s supposed to be a friendly sendoff offer — because nothing says “good luck on that plane” while making the runway really slippery.

What a lot of people don’t know is that those water cannons are actually filled with the tears of Democrats.

Not everybody was wishing Trump goodwill. There were protests in several cities including New York and Los Angeles. Here in L.A., protesters shut down the 101 Freeway. Traffic on the 101 was an absolute standstill as people sat trapped in their cars for hours — and then the protesters arrived.

California overwhelmingly went Democrat. So what this means is that these Clinton supporters stopped the cars of people who almost definitely voted for Hillary Clinton. Wasn’t their day bad enough?

So many people protested the results of the election. I saw some tweets that said this election is a total sham and a travesty, the Electoral College is a disaster, and we should wage revolution. The surprising part — this was all from Donald Trump’s Twitter feed after the 2012 election. So technically, all of those Trump protesters actually agree with Trump. See, we’re already coming together.

Mon, 11/28/16

Joke Day: #3747

From: 11/14/16
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 22/25

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Hopefully by now you’ve come to terms with the fact that no matter how much you drink, the results of the election are not going to change.

I’ve been having dreams about this election. It’s in my head. Remember when the song “Don’t Worry, Be Happy” just got in there and you couldn’t shake it? It’s like that, except without the “don’t worry” part.

President Obama held a press conference today, his first since the election. At which every one of the reporters asked him about Donald Trump. A few of them tried to get Obama to say something insulting about Trump but he didn’t bite, he was very diplomatic. He says he hopes Donald Trump makes things better, plans to do everything he can to help them. In other words, “Good luck, dummies, I’m out of here!”

It’s hard to tell because he was standing in front of a podium, but I’m pretty sure he was wearing shorts.

Meanwhile, protests continue across the United States. This afternoon a group of student protesters for some reason decided to storm a local mall. It got a little bit crazy. The good news is this is the first time in almost five years that anyone under the age 21 has been to a mall. Good for Orange Julius, I guess.

During a “60 Minutes” interview, Trump said going forward, he will be “very restrained” on Twitter and Facebook. So, the interview was taped Friday, and then on Sunday — two days later — he went on a tirade against The New York Times on Twitter. But he didn’t use all caps! Baby steps. It’s something, right? Lowercase.

Facebook is now planning to weed out the bogus news stories that show up on your feed. Mark Zuckerberg has promised to crack down on what he calls fake news. He’s also calling BS on your happy anniversary posts. Nobody’s buying it.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

During an interview yesterday, Donald Trump told his supporters not to harass Latinos and Muslims. “Uh-oh,” said black people.

Donald Trump told supporters last night not to harass Latinos and Muslims, saying, “I will say right to the cameras, ‘Stop it’” — and then he winked so hard his wig unsnapped.

According to The New York Times, Donald Trump wants to continue holding large rallies after he takes office — and Hillary Clinton wants to continue hiking deeper and deeper into the woods.

A new study revealed that having a pint of beer every day can help prevent strokes and heart disease — so this one is on me, Justice Ginsburg. Keep going.

A new scientific study shows rats are capable of laughter if they are tickled the correct way. The rats were like, “Why aren’t you trying to cure cancer?”

Tue, 11/29/16

Joke Day: #3748

From: 11/14/16
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 23/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Last night, on “60 Minutes,” Donald Trump gave his first TV interview since being elected — and get this, he said that he will only take $1 a year as president. All part of Trump’s unending commitment to never pay taxes.

Trump said that he would not accept the standard $400,000 salary that presidents get. That story again: Trump made his first deal as president-elect and lost almost $400,000.

After Donald Trump met with President Obama, Trump seemed surprised by the scope of the president’s duties. Trump said, “Who knew?” And Hillary was like, “I did.”

I want to say happy birthday to Prince Charles, who turned 68 today. His friends got him a cake, which was nice until Queen Elizabeth popped out of it and shouted, “Still here!”

Apple just released a new app that lets you read books with your kids on your TV. Or as dads put it, “Yeah, this ‘book’ is about the Patriots-Seahawks game, and it’s a thriller.”

Conan O'Brien

During the interview last night on “60 Minutes,” Donald Trump said, “I’m a very sober person.” After hearing this, half of America said, “So were we, until last Tuesday.”

Donald Trump’s children are helping him transition to the White House. Right now 10-year-old Barron Trump is interviewing the next head of the NSA.

Work has begun at Chernobyl on a giant concrete and steel arch that’s going to cover the site of the reactor that exploded in 1986. Even crazier, they want to make Mexico pay for it.

According to scientists, the moon is the closest it’s been to the Earth since 1948. Apparently, the moon is worried and wants to know what the hell is going on down here.

On “60 Minutes” last night, Donald Trump said he wishes his campaign’s tone had been “nicer” and more “on policy.” Trump said, “But then, I would have lost.”

Donald Trump has stated he wants to make it easier to sue journalists. He also wants to use the Second Amendment to shoot the First Amendment.

The Late Late Show with James Corden

Last night, the moon appeared larger than normal because it was closer to the Earth. Astronomers call it a super moon. You know what wasn’t super? Any of your Instagram photos of the super moon.

I have to imagine at this point, the moon is just getting really close so it can look down on us, like, “What the hell is going on down there?!”

Famed astronomer Neil deGrasse Tyson mocked the hype and said if you had a 15-inch pizza that became a 16-inch pizza, would you call that a super pizza? And I think I speak for everyone when I say that depends what’s on it.

Meanwhile back on Earth, Facebook experienced a glitch over the weekend where it accidentally posted death notifications for millions of users who are still alive. Once they saw that their friends died, most people were like, so what do I go with here? The crying face, the angry face? Just a plain old ‘like’ button?

You think it’s bad when your friends don’t wish you a happy birthday on Facebook, imagine when they don’t say anything after you die on Facebook.

In other news, Donald Trump continued with his White House transition over the weekend, appointing RNC chair Reince Priebus as his White House chief of staff. A lot of people are questioning this new appointment, and the biggest question people have is: Is it pronounced Rinse? Is it Rance? Reyoncé?

Rumors are circulating that Donald Trump has been telling his advisers that he plans to spend his weekends in his Trump Tower penthouse in New York City instead of the White House. I don’t think that’s what voters meant when they said they wanted a Washington outsider.

If he does decide to live in Trump Tower, presidential historians tell us this is the first time a sitting president will be living above a Niketown.

I love that Trump thinks he can just take off back to New York. Just imagine Trump on a Friday afternoon at the White House asking his national security adviser, “Hey, you think this ISIS briefing will be over by 6:00? It’s just I’ve got a thing.”

When Hillary Clinton found out Trump wasn’t planning on staying in the White House on weekends, she was like, “Since you’re not going to be there . . . “

Wed, 11/30/16

Joke Day: #3749

From: 11/15/16

Top of Page   Joke: 24/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

President Obama actually said yesterday that if things get better under President Trump, he’ll be the first to congratulate him. Well, technically, he’ll be the second because Trump will congratulate himself first.

I read that Donald Trump doesn’t want to live at the White House full-time. He’s thinking about commuting from New York City. It’s all part of Trump’s plan to make America great again, and to make traffic in New York City worse than ever.

Trump apparently wants to commute to Washington, D.C., by helicopter. Trump asked the pilot if he’s got those radio headphones so they can talk to each other in the air and the pilot was like, ”Nope.”

Donald Trump has reportedly asked for his adult children to get top-level security clearance so that they can see classified documents and explain them to him. Trump is trying to get top-secret security clearance for his kids, which explains why today Vladimir Putin asked Trump to adopt him.

Conan O'Brien

There are reports that Bill Clinton encouraged Donald Trump to run for president. When asked about it, Bill Clinton said, “It hasn’t been this tense around my house since … well, you know…”

Donald Trump has announced that as president, he’ll take a salary of $1 a year. And he promises he’ll earn every penny.

Apple has changed back their design of the peach emoji to look more like a butt after people were upset the new design no longer looked like a butt. So you see, people – sometimes democracy DOES work!

President-elect Trump tweeted that he would have won the popular vote if he had campaigned more in New York, Florida, and California. Trump explained, “I just got tired and ran out of terrible things to say.”

The Late Late Show with James Corden

President Obama announced this week that, after meeting with Donald Trump, he plans to spend more time with his successor than presidents typically do in order to help ease the transition. When asked how long he thought the transition would take, President Obama said, “Four years.”

Obama is going to walk Trump’s team through all this. So, basically, Obama is going to be going around the White House saying, “OK, now hit control-c. OK, now hit ‘P’ to print.”

It was reported that Trump’s team was unaware that they needed to replace the entire West Wing staff. Trump’s team basically thought the White House was like a Best Buy that occasionally gets a new store manager.

Former President George W. Bush announced that he and his wife, Laura, went to an animal shelter last week and welcomed their new dog, Freddy, into their family. Yeah, apparently even the Bush family needed an emotional support dog after that election.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Dr. Ben Carson has reportedly told Donald Trump that he isn’t interested in serving in the Trump administration. And just like at the debates if his name is called, he won’t answer.

High school students across the country walked out of class today in protest of Donald Trump. Which is weird, since he’s living proof that you can do none of your homework and still become president.

Residents of a town in Missouri this week are complaining about the creation of a “bondage club” that operates next door to a church. The town filed a restraining order, but that just got them more excited.

The card game Uno this week was inducted into the National Toy Hall of Fame. Uno or, as it’ll be called in Trump’s America, One.

Thu, 12/01/16

Joke Day: #3750

From: 11/16/16
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 25/25

Conan O'Brien

Thanksgiving is a week from tomorrow and a number of major retail stores are breaking with recent tradition and will be closed on Thanksgiving this year. Although of all the Thanksgivings to decide to shut down for, why would you pick the one right after the most contentious election in 100 years?

This is the year we need you to stay open so we have an excuse to leave dinner and get away from our relatives.

Office Depot is one of the stores that announced they’ll close on Thanksgiving Day. Which, see, now that makes sense. Could you imagine leaving Thanksgiving early to go to Office Depot? “Sorry, the printer’s out of ink!

President-elect Donald Trump is in the process of building his Cabinet right now and it’s going to be a solid gold Cabinet full of all the finest snacks. This is kind of nutty. One of the names on Trump’s short list for attorney general is Senator Ted Cruz. Who, of course, was Trump’s bitter rival on the campaign trail. This is going to be like if Tupac hired Biggie to be his head of security.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

One of Donald Trump’s potential attorneys general is reportedly already working on a plan to make Muslims register with the government. Does anyone see a problem with that, or do you “Nazi?”

Vice President Joe Biden and Vice President-elect Mike Pence had lunch together this afternoon. And just to [tick] him off, Biden told the waiter it was their anniversary.

According to a new poll, almost 60 percent of Americans believe Donald Trump should compromise with Democrats. Like, instead of a wall at the Mexican border, maybe a beaded curtain?

A female astronaut is about to become the oldest woman to fly into space. And this is pretty amazing, she’s going to do it without a rocket ship [shows photo of Hillary], just take off with rage.

The mayor of London said recently that if people based in the U.S. want to escape Donald Trump’s administration, quote, “London is open.” Said Melania, “Taxi!”