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Joke of the Day

Day # Range: 3701 - 3725

Date Range: 09/26/16 ~ 10/20/16

Thu, 10/06/16

Joke Day: #3701

From: 09/26/16
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 01/25

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Tonight the main event from Hofstra University in Hempstead, New York: Donald Trump vs. Hillary Clinton in the first of three presidential debates. It was a long 90 minutes. But the results are in and not a single voter changed their mind. A huge waste of time. It’s very hard to believe that there are still undecided voters. The choice is pretty orange-and-white.

The experts said in order to win, Hillary Clinton had to project an image of competence, experience, wisdom, health, and vitality, without coming off as angry, bookish, or overbearing. Donald Trump had to not mention his [genitals].

This was expected to be the most-watched debate ever. The ratings were expected to rank up with the finale of “Cheers,” the finale of “M.A.S.H.” Makes sense, in a way this election feels like the series finale of America.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

After tonight’s debate, several Fox News analysts said that Hillary Clinton was the clear winner. So maybe global warming IS a hoax because hell has frozen over.

Pundits are noting that this year’s group of debate moderators is the most diverse in history, featuring an African-American, two women, a Filipino, and an openly gay man. Trump was like, “I think I’ve heard this one before, but go ahead.”

Ahead of tonight’s debate, Hillary Clinton posted an article on Twitter pointing out that no living president has endorsed Donald Trump. Nice try, Hillary, but it just so happens that Vladimir Putin is living.

Madonna reportedly bought her son a Donald Trump piñata this weekend to celebrate his birthday. A Donald Trump piñata is just like a regular piñata, except there’s nothing inside.

Green Party candidate Jill Stein was escorted off the Hofstra University campus this afternoon after she tried to talk to reporters outside of tonight’s debate without proper credentials. As she was being dragged away by police she shouted, “Don’t you know who I am?” and they said, “No. No one does.”

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

We all just watched Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton debate for an hour and a half. Coming into tonight’s debate, Democrats were divided between two strong emotions: panic and pants-crapping.

Democrats have not been this nervous since Anthony Weiner asked to borrow their phone.

Meanwhile, Donald Trump had to not commit murder — on camera.

Meanwhile, Hillary was so prepared, my new nickname for her is Preparation H. Yeah, it’s a compliment. In the primaries, she already proved she could “soothe the Bern.”

Of course, it did not take long for one of these two candidates to tell a lie. [clip of Hillary saying, “Donald, it’s good to be with you.”] False! Where are the fact-checkers? Pinocchio!

The debate was moderated by NBC’s Lester Holt, which makes sense since he hosted “Dateline” and is used to two rich white people who want to murder each other

Fri, 10/07/16

Joke Day: #3702

From: 09/26/16
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 02/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

The debate was actually split into several themes. America’s direction, America’s prosperity, America’s security, and then strangely “America’s ninja warrior.”

There were actually 1,000 people in the audience tonight and they were instructed not to applaud or cheer during the debate. As people watching were like, “What about sobbing? Can we quietly sob?”

In addition to costumes, they also banned balloons and drones. Which explains why Trump uninvited Chris Christie and Ben Carson.

A lot of celebrities are sharing their views of the election. In an interview with Rolling Stone, Bruce Springsteen called Trump a moron. Which is why now Trump’s starting a rumor that Springsteen wasn’t really born in the USA.

A man in Florida is in jail after he was spotted riding a manatee and dared cops to arrest him. Maybe it’s just me, but if you dare cops to arrest you, try to be on a faster animal than a manatee.

Conan O'Brien

Hillary Clinton has asked “Shark Tank’s” Mark Cuban to attend tonight’s debate. Trump was furious and said, “A billionaire reality star has no business being at a presidential debate.”

A new study says men who have more sex are more likely to pray. Especially if they forgot to use birth control.

On Friday, Donald Trump added more names to his list of potential candidates for the Supreme Court. So congratulations to Judge Judy and Dog the Bounty Hunter.

Facebook is expanding its campaign to combat online hate speech. In other words, Facebook is shutting down.

Scientists now say life on Earth may have started after an accidental mashup between DNA and RNA. When asked for comment, Larry King said, “That was one crazy weekend, man.”

Before tonight’s debate, President Obama told Hillary Clinton, “Be yourself.” Then Obama told Donald Trump, “Please, please, please be yourself.”

The Late Late Show with James Corden

Tonight was the first presidential debate between Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton and honestly, I meant to watch it, I really did, but right before the debate aired, I was flipping through my DVR and I ended up watching this show called “MacGyver.”

It is a reboot of the ’80s show. Well, it has everything. It has action. It has adventure. He made a parachute out of the canopy of a truck! [Clip voiceover] “Take one canvas, add some tie-downs, a little wind resistance, you got yourself a parachute.” I mean sure, he got hit by a car afterwards, but it was still awesome.

There were lots of controversies leading up to these debates, like when Donald Trump accused NBC’s debate moderator Lester Holt of bias, stating that he was a Democrat when in fact, Lester Holt has been a registered Republican the whole time. This is just like how MacGyver thought his girlfriend Nikki Carpenter was a good guy when actually she was a double agent working for the terrorists the whole time.

Based on the post-debate analysis, it sounded like Donald Trump as usual spent a lot of time deflecting the tough questions. Kind of like how MacGyver deflected those bullets with a drink tray. [shows clip] We just knew the waiters happened to be using reinforced stainless steel to serve their cocktails.

Sat, 10/08/16

Joke Day: #3703

From: 09/28/16
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 03/25

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Every year, Intel comes out with a list of the most dangerous celebrities. These are people who, when you search for them online, you’re at risk of getting a virus or malware or the mumps, or whatever you get from the computer.

I know Carson and I’ll tell you something, once we were at a restaurant, there was no ketchup on the table, and he murdered the waiter. This was at brunch. He’s a dangerous guy.

Last year I was the 26th most dangerous. Before that, in 2014, I was No. 1. I was the No. 1 most dangerous. This year, I’ve plummeted to number 32. Which is still a dangerous number. That was O.J.’s number.

According to Forbes magazine, Donald Trump’s wealth is down $800 million from last year. He’s only worth $3.7 billion now, and I’ll tell you something, Mexico is going to pay for it.

But the good news is, while his net worth may be down, his self-worth is at an all-time high.

Yesterday was National Register to Vote Day. Singer Katy Perry got naked and told people to vote. The video got like 6 million views already. Hopefully it encouraged people to sign up. But here’s the thing: Anyone who needs Katy Perry to take her shirt off in order to register to vote should not be allowed to register to vote.

It’s our responsibility as Americans to register to vote, to go to our local polling places, and make a choice between two people nobody can believe are our only available options.

IMDb, which provides information about movies and TV shows, will no longer be allowed to include an actor’s age as part of their biography. Which is great news for people who have never heard of Wikipedia where you can get that information immediately.

What an important new law! I’m glad actors can now have their lawyers remove their ages from IMDb. Until now all they’ve been able to do is have their doctors remove it from their faces.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

A man in Washington State was fined this week for trying to drive in a carpool lane with a cardboard cutout of Donald Trump glued to his passenger seat. Cops became suspicious when Trump’s mouth wasn’t moving.

Starting next month Uber will try to compete with New York City’s subway by offering unlimited carpool rides in Manhattan for $200. So your choice, New York: a crowded train, or dropping off a drug dealer in Queens before heading to work.

SpaceX CEO Elon Musk announced plans yesterday to colonize Mars, saying the main requirement for early settlers would be that they are, quote “ready to die.” Said Hillary, “I’ll let you know November 9th.”

Sun, 10/09/16

Joke Day: #3704

From: 09/28/16
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 04/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

There are now about six more weeks left in the election. And we know that because this morning, Trump’s hair popped out and saw its shadow.

The second presidential debate is just 11 days away, and this one will have a town hall format. The first question will be, “Why’d you have to do this in OUR town?”

It’s reported that even the Taliban actually had a debate viewing party. So for the first time, it looks like they’re torturing themselves.

President Obama’s upcoming South by South Lawn festival at the White House will have a virtual reality psychological experiment that makes you feel like you’re in a small jail cell. Or as Obama calls it, “the Oval Office.”

Yesterday, a group of Democratic senators sent a letter to Yahoo asking why they took so long to report the hack of 500 million users. That’s how little faith they have in Yahoo email — they sent a LETTER.

Conan O'Brien

Hillary Clinton is campaigning with Bernie Sanders for the millennial vote. They’re trying to get millennials with the opening line, “Hey, our combined age is approximately one millennium.”

At the next debate, Donald Trump is threatening to talk about all of Bill Clinton’s affairs. Hillary’s not too worried, because the debate’s only 90 minutes.

Donald Trump is still being mocked for promising in the debate to “cut taxes bigly.” Trump has apologized, and promised in the next debate he’ll “speak more goodly.”

The organizer of the presidential debates is allowing social media users to vote on debate questions. That’s why, as of today, the No. 1 question for the next presidential debate is “hey, u up?”

Last night, Donald Trump told an audience that before Monday’s debate — this is a quote — “I pretended I was talking to my family.” Then he admitted he frequently accuses his family of deleting emails and creating ISIS.

The Late Late Show with James Corden

There was big uproar on the internet last night when Rob Kardashian posted Kylie Jenner’s phone number on Twitter to all of his 7 million followers. Rob said he did this because he was angry that the Kardashian family didn’t invite his fiancée to a baby shower. I cannot think of something nicer than not getting invited to a baby shower.

This week a woman came home from a vacation in Florida to find the two burglars who had ransacked her house were still there having sex on her couch. The woman came home to find valuables missing and an orgy in her living room — that is normally called Airbnb.

If you ever wondered why your grandmother is so particular about covering her sofa in plastic, now you know.

Lord knows what she is going to do with all the stuff they didn’t steal. Do you know what I mean? I would say if you are walking through today, I would think twice about grabbing that free couch that has been left on the sidewalk.

Mon, 10/10/16

Joke Day: #3705

From: 09/29/16
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 05/25

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Donald Trump spoke at a rally yesterday and told supporters that Hillary Clinton’s campaign is the most unserious campaign in American history. Unserious? This is the person you’re calling unserious? [shows photo of frowning Hillary] She always looks like you just told her you wrecked her car.

In an interview yesterday, Libertarian nominee Gary Johnson was unable to name any world leaders when asked who his favorite head of state was. Wow. This might have cost him the election.

America Online founder Steve Case endorsed Hillary Clinton for president today. Although the last thing Hillary wants to hear is “You’ve got mail.”

A woman in Washington, D.C., received 13,000 text messages after C-SPAN accidentally put up her phone number during their post-debate analysis. Replied C-SPAN, “We have 13,000 viewers?”

This Friday internet star Grumpy Cat will join the Broadway cast of “Cats.” A guy who’s going to see “Hamilton” was like, “I can’t wait.”

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

We are still trying to figure out who won Monday’s presidential debate. Democrats say Hillary won, while Republicans are strong in their conviction that there are still two more debates.

Secretary Clinton is still struggling with millennials. By the way, if you’re not sure who millennials are, they’re the ones who never use the term “millennials.”

A recent poll shows Clinton has the support of just 31 percent of likely voters under 35. So Hillary’s doing everything she can to attract young people. That’s why, for the first time since July, she appeared on the campaign trail this week with that millennial heart-throb, Bernie Sanders.

Bernie! They really like him. He really connects with millennials, because a lot of his clothes are also 18 to 30 years old.

Tue, 10/11/16

Joke Day: #3706

From: 09/29/16
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 06/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Hillary Clinton actually went to her granddaughter’s second birthday party instead of preparing for the first debate against Trump. I guess she figured being around a bunch of screaming toddlers might help her even more.

While speaking to students at the University of New Hampshire yesterday, Hillary Clinton said, “Isn’t this one of the strangest elections you’ve ever seen?” And then college kids were like, “Uh, we’re 18. It’s the ONLY election we’ve ever seen.”

Bernie Sanders is also campaigning with Hillary. Yesterday, he asked a crowd at one of her rallies, “Is everybody here ready to transform America?” Followed by his next question, “Does anybody here remember where I parked?”

Donald Trump is reportedly angry that his advisers are saying that he struggled during the first debate. Then his advisers were like, “Oh, so you CAN hear us.”

This week, a woman in Tennessee walked into her home and found two burglars having sex on her couch. When they tried to run away, she yelled, “At least steal the couch!”

Conan O'Brien

Hillary Clinton has vowed to crack down on hackers who launch cyberattacks. She said, “If anyone’s going to abuse U.S. government computers, it’s gonna be me.”

Yesterday, Libertarian candidate Gary Johnson was giving a television interview and was unable to name a single foreign leader. Hmmm… sounds like SOMEONE wants to be Donald Trump’s secretary of state.

A woman in Virginia got nearly 600 calls after C-SPAN accidentally posted her number on the air. In response, the head of C-SPAN said, “Wait, we have 600 viewers?”

This week, the FDA approved the first artificial pancreas. When they heard, all the “Real Housewives” said, “I don’t care what it does — if it’s fake I want it in me.”

Jimmy Kimmel Live

According to the FBI, foreign hackers have made several attempts to breach voter registration websites in the United States with an intent to influence the outcome of the election or steal personal information. The FBI warned that that, quote, “Bad actors have been repeatedly trying to hack us.” It could be a number of suspects — Russia, China, Steven Seagal. Could be Matt Damon. There are a lot of bad actors out there.

The director of the FBI is warning individual states to make sure their dead bolts are thrown and locks are on. They’re using dead bolts and locks to secure voter registration websites? Maybe that’s the problem right there. Those are for bicycles.

Meanwhile, Donald Trump has a new scandal to deal with today. According to Newsweek, in 1998 he spent $68,000 on a business venture in Cuba. Which was illegal because of the embargo. Trump, of course, denied the allegations. He said there’s no such place as Cuba.

Remember when Mitt Romney almost had to drop out of the race because he put his dog on the top of the car? They were simpler times.

Wed, 10/12/16

Joke Day: #3707

From: 10/03/16
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 07/25

Late Night With Seth Meyers

LeBron James endorsed Hillary Clinton over the weekend. Which Clinton says for her campaign is a real home run.

Mike Pence and Tim Kaine will face-off tomorrow night in the only vice presidential debate of the election. The vice presidential debate is brought to you by white out.

Are you guys excited for the VP debate tomorrow night? Yeah, no, you're not. No you're not. Nobody is.

A new report has found that despite his recent string of gaffes, Libertarian nominee Gary Johnson has four times as many newspaper endorsements as Donald Trump. So if you’ve got weed, he's got papers.

In an interview this weekend, Joe Biden described his relationship with President Obama as an older brother-younger brother dynamic. The only down side is when Obama forgets to pick him up from soccer practice.

According to a new report, the Zika virus may be able to spread through sweat and tears, which means one way or another come Nov. 8, we're all getting Zika.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

Over the weekend, three pages of Donald Trump's 1995 tax return were leaked, revealing that he declared a $916 million loss from his three Atlantic City casinos. That's right. Donald Trump lost money on casinos. You know what they say, "The house always loses."

But here's the thing, as a real estate developer, he was able to use that loss to wipe out more than $50 million a year in taxable income over 18 years. Well, when life gives you lemons, don't pay taxes.

Now, the idea that Trump hasn't paid taxes in nearly 20 years is bound to be unpopular with — what's the word — people. But according to the former New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani, Trump not paying taxes just proves how smart he is.

Yes, only a genius can lose $1 billion running a casino. How loose were his slots? Tell you what, I like you, I'm going to comp everyone's room forever.

It's not like Donald Trump does his own taxes. He's not there doing the numbers. Shouldn't we really be voting for his accountant? Jack Mitnick. Something about the "Mitt" that sounds so presidential.

Thu, 10/13/16

Joke Day: #3708

From: 10/03/16
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 08/25

The Late Late Show with James Corden

We're going to start by talking about everybody's favorite subject: taxes. Over the weekend, Donald Trump's private tax documents were leaked to The New York Times, showing that in 1995 he posted a loss of $916 million dollars. The only people with a more embarrassing loss in 1995 were the prosecution team in the O.J. Simpson trial.

He lost a billion dollars. Right now, Gary Busey is like, “Hold up, wait — didn't you fire me on ‘Celebrity Apprentice’ for losing the Snapple challenge?”

Now, nobody knows where this leak has come from, but some are suggesting that the source of the leak was Trump's ex-wife Marla Maples, who leaked the taxes as revenge. Even Beyoncé was like, “Now that is making lemonade.”

These aren't the only leaked documents Trump has to worry about. Julian Assange, the founder of WikiLeaks, is supposed to give a big announcement where he said he will release documents to hurt both nominees. People are calling it the “October Surprise.” I don't like the name. I don't. October Surprise is the most ominous title we can give this?

October Surprise doesn't sound sinister; it sounds like your aunt's recipe for a squash casserole. I added a little nutmeg!

Assange says he has secret information about both Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton, and that information may drastically change people's views of these candidates. Americans replied, “Wait, it's going to make us like them?”

Assange was originally going to make this announcement from the balcony of the Ecuadorian Embassy in London, but has since rescheduled it. I can't believe he rescheduled the October Surprise. You can't reschedule October Surprise, Julian. That’s like me texting my wife saying, “Hey, honey, your surprise birthday party has been moved to Saturday.”

Jimmy Kimmel Live

I don't want to dampen anyone's enthusiasm, but we've got to calm down because here in southern California, we're in the middle of what's called a heightened earthquake alert. True. It means the odds of a massive earthquake hitting us in the next day or two are as high as 1 in in 100. Or it could be 1 in 100 million. They've been telling us for years you can't predict an earthquake; now there's an alert all of a sudden?

Most of us ignore this stuff, but some people are taking it seriously. In San Bernardino, they closed city hall for the next two days because of this earthquake alert. And because they're lazy, they chose city hall. That annoys me. I don't live there but — you don't see businesses that have to turn a profit closing because of an earthquake alert. You don't see Color Me Mine closing shop. They have a lot of stuff that would break in an earthquake! City hall, they're like, to hell with it, come back Wednesday.

Our state fabric is denim. Our state bird, I don't know if you know this, is Chuck Norris. So he will never be endangered because he cannot be killed.

Denim is now the state fabric of California. Cotton is still the fabric of our lives.

The big story is Donald Trump might not have paid any income tax since Xena: Warrior Princess went on the air.

The New York Times got its hands on a tax document from 1995, which shows Trump declared a $916 million loss that year which would have allowed him to avoid paying any income tax for 18 years. The documents were sent to the Times from inside Trump Tower. The trump campaign said the Times illegally obtained the documents and we all know how much Donald Trump hates hacking. So that's no good.

The Trump campaign isn't denying the authenticity of the forms which is remarkable, considering the fact that they deny almost everything. This morning they denied Trump is running for president.

Fri, 10/14/16

Joke Day: #3709

From: 10/03/16
(**Part 3**)

Top of Page   Joke: 09/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

We're just four weeks away from Halloween: people pretending to be somebody else, going door-to-door for handouts, or as that's also called, running for president.

Yesterday, LeBron James wrote an op-ed in which he endorsed Hillary Clinton. LeBron says he and Hillary are all about the same thing: taking forever to finally win something.

Lady Gaga told People magazine that her new album was influenced by the men in her life. Taylor Swift was like, “Hey! Stay in your lane, pal.”

On Friday, Arnold Schwarzenegger was stopped in Germany by a police officer for riding a bicycle through a train station. Schwarzenegger may have gone unnoticed if he hadn't been frantically ringing the bell and shouting, "Get out of the way if you want to live!"

Simon Cowell was hosting an episode of the "X Factor" in Britain this week, and a lot of people thought he might have had a wardrobe malfunction. But turns out, he was just sitting on his foot.

Conan O'Brien

Donald Trump’s charity, the Trump Foundation, is no longer allowed to accept donations in New York. This is really bad news for anyone who thought, "I’d like to make sure my money gets to the people who really need it; I know, I’ll funnel it through Donald Trump."

Supporters of Donald Trump are saying the fact that he lost a billion dollars and then didn’t pay income taxes for 18 years means he is a "genius." They also say three marriages makes him a "feminist," so it kind of works out.

Tomorrow night is the vice-presidential debate between Mike Pence and Tim Kaine. Experts expect a record number of people not to watch it.

This weekend, a person or persons spray-painted graffiti all over Donald Trump’s new Washington, D.C., hotel. Police have narrowed their list of suspects down to "50 percent of the country."

Cleveland Cavaliers star LeBron James has endorsed Hillary Clinton for president. Experts say LeBron’s endorsement will help Hillary Clinton win in Ohio and lose in Florida.

Sat, 10/15/16

Joke Day: #3710

From: 10/04/16

Top of Page   Joke: 10/25

Conan O'Brien

Tonight is the debate between vice-presidential candidates Tim Kaine and Mike Pence. They’re going to debate the economy, foreign policy, and which one of them is Tim Kaine and which one is Mike Pence.

During the final push of the election, Bill Clinton criticized Obamacare in a speech and said it’s "the craziest thing in the world." It’s all part of Bill’s nationwide "Not Helping" tour.

It’s rumored that Donald Trump’s tax returns were leaked by one of Trump’s ex-wives. In other words, it could be anybody.

It’s come out that Donald Trump once rented an office to an Iranian bank that was later accused of terrorism. Today, Trump said, "How was I supposed to know that something wasn’t right with Jihadi Joe’s Savings and Loan?"

Archaeologists in Egypt have discovered a pair of socks meant to be worn with sandals from 2,000 years ago. Scholars say it’s evidence of the first German tourist.

He's going to be okay, but a Montana man was attacked by a bear twice in the same day. Afterwards, the man said, "That’s it, no more Tinder for me."

Over the weekend, a 102-year-old woman got herself arrested so she could check that off of her bucket list. Now, it all seems like a cute story until you learn that the arrest was for triple homicide.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

The first and only vice-presidential debate of this election season was held tonight, and it was pretty much the same as the debate I had with my wife about painting the foyer. “Do we want eggshell or ivory?”

Eric Trump today defended his father’s recent 3 a.m. Twitter rant about former Miss Universe Alicia Machado, telling reporters, “At least my father is up at 3 o’clock in the morning.” Why do you think that’s a good thing? You know who’s up that early? People who are wondering where they went wrong with their son.

The New York Times revealed today that Tim Kaine travels with six harmonicas in his briefcase. He carries so many because they’re constantly getting slapped out of his hands.

Sun, 10/16/16

Joke Day: #3711

From: 10/10/16
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 11/25

Late Night With Seth Meyers

What a great time to be in Washington. The Nationals won yesterday. The Redskins won yesterday. And the Orange-skin lost.

After a video surfaced of Donald Trump and Billy Bush making lewd sexual comments about women, NBC announced Bush would be suspended from the “Today” show indefinitely. Bush could not be grabbed for comment.

Trump campaign manager Kellyanne Conway said this morning that “Last night’s debate was a good night for democracy.” But I think what she really meant was, “Good night, democracy.”

After hearing Donald Trump’s lewd comments about women, vice presidential nominee Mike Pence canceled a campaign event in New Jersey today. Even worse, he forgot to tell Chris Christie.

During last night’s debate, Hillary Clinton accused Donald Trump of being hateful and racist — before adding, “Oh my God, he’s right behind me, isn’t he?”

Fox News’ Geraldo Rivera said this weekend that he has additional embarrassing tapes of Donald Trump. And if Geraldo thinks they’re embarrassing, you know it’s bad.

Mon, 10/17/16

Joke Day: #3712

From: 10/10/16
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 12/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Last night was the presidential town hall debate between Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton, and the audience was made up of undecided voters — or as they’re also known, the worst people to be in line behind at Baskin-Robbins.

A man in the audience asked Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump to say one positive thing that they respect about each other. At this point, both candidates claimed their microphone was broken.

Trump later tried to downplay the comments, saying it was just locker-room banter. People didn’t know what was crazier, his excuse or the idea that Trump’s ever been to a gym.

With the election just a month away, it seems like everyone’s encouraging people to vote. In fact, I saw that last week, some politicians in Arizona took part in a voter registration event at a strip club. The politicians said the hardest part was pretending they had never met the strippers before.

Facebook has a new “secret conversations mode” that lets you automatically set messages to delete — or as Hillary put it, “Like.”

Jimmy Kimmel Live

I was looking forward to the presidential debate last night; 67 million people watched Donald Versus Hillary 2. Rarely is a sequel better than the original but this definitely was.

Anyone who expected Donald Trump to reel it in was way off the mark. He was on fire. He promised that if he was president he’d throw Hillary in jail. He called her the devil — not A devil, THE devil. Which I think might have been his way of coming on to her.

A lot of post-debate analysis registered surprise that with all that was going on with Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton didn’t definitively win the debate. The truth is you don’t win a debate like that. You survive it. You board up the windows and you get in the basement. You curl up in a ball until it blows over. It’s like a tornado.

One of the fascinating things that happened on Friday was, before the Billy Bush tape was released, all the news was about Hurricane Matthew. I thought Hurricane Matthew was going to come to California and get us, there was so much news.

The minute that tape came out, Hurricane Matthew just disappeared from television. The only channel that continued their round-the-clock coverage of the hurricane was Fox News because they didn’t want to talk about the Trump tape. Even the Weather Channel was like, “To hell with this, let’s go with the Trump tape!”

More than 1 million people lost power in their homes. The only person mentioning disaster on a national level was Donald Trump.

The Washington Post on Friday leaked the behind-the-scenes 2005 video of Donald Trump chatting with Billy Bush on the “Access Hollywood” bus. Trump was caught on tape telling Billy about the time he tried to have sex with “Entertainment Tonight” reporter Nancy O’Dell. He says he took her furniture shopping. By the way, I want some follow-up, I want to know if that happened, and if it did, what did he buy her? A sizable item? A hutch or a dinette set? Are we talking ottoman?

So, of course, people were outraged. Trump apologized, Billy Bush got suspended from his job. Poor Jeb Bush. Billy Bush is his cousin; he has to be thinking, “Why in the hell didn’t he release this tape a year ago?”

Tue, 10/18/16

Joke Day: #3713

From: 10/11/16
(**Part 1**

Top of Page   Joke: 13/25

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Donald Trump tweeted earlier today, quote, “It is so nice that the shackles have been taken off me and I can now fight for America the way I want to.” What shackles are you talking about? The only thing that ever shackled you was the 140-character limit on Twitter.

And NOW you’re going to fight for America? Hey buddy, you’re not Rosa Parks. You know how I know? People LIKED what Rosa Parks said on the bus. Huge difference.

Hillary Clinton campaigned in Florida today with Al Gore. You’re making Al Gore go back to Florida? That’s so cruel. That’s like making Joe Frazier go back to Manila.

The Cleveland Indians yesterday completed their sweep of the Boston Red Sox and will move on in the ALCS. “I hate the Indians,” said Donald Trump, who wasn’t talking about baseball.

A new study estimates that Pokémon Go players took over 100 billion steps in the last three months. Unfortunately not one of them was toward a date.

Wed, 10/19/16

Joke Day: #3714

From: 10/11/16
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 14/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

The president just signed a law that will require men’s restrooms in federal buildings to have baby-changing tables. Or as most guys will call that, “Finally! A place where we can eat a sandwich!”

In a new MTV documentary with Macklemore, Obama says that when he was a teen he drank and did drugs, adding, “I pretty much tried whatever was out there.” When asked what made him stop, Obama said, “Stop?”

Happy 41st wedding anniversary to Bill and Hillary Clinton! Yep, they celebrated with a quiet dinner. A really, REALLY quiet dinner. “Did you say something?” “No.” “Good.”

A new national poll found that Democrats now have a significant lead over Republicans in the congressional races. Republicans said, “And there’s only one man to blame for this,” and Donald Trump said, “Exactly: Billy Bush.”

Trump is still under fire for the lewd and offensive tape that was released last week which he referred to as “locker-room talk.” Well now pro athletes are speaking out against this, saying that’s not how they speak in the locker room. While Tim Tebow said, “I don’t even like to say ‘Billy Bush!’”

Jimmy Kimmel Live

According to a new study, Americans are not eating anywhere near as much cereal. Everything else we’re eating a lot more of, but not cereal.

I find this news kind of depressing. Although I’m not entirely sure why. The cereal was never really breakfast, so much as it was a large box for a small toy.

Donald Trump lashed out at a number of Republicans on Twitter today, the ones who have been distancing themselves from him. He called Speaker of the House Paul Ryan a weak and ineffective leader. He called John McCain foul-mouthed. He also tweeted, “It so is nice the shackles have been taken off me and I can now fight for America the way I want to.” This is how he’s been behaving with shackles ON?

A number of cable news outlets called it a tweet storm. During this terrible tweet storm I think we should take a moment to acknowledge Donald Trump’s thumbs because those chubby little baby carrots have been working so very hard lately, they’re worn down to the nubs and I applaud them for doing so much work.

Thu, 10/20/16

Joke Day: #3715

From: 10/12/16
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 15/25

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Donald Trump told supporters last night to go out and vote on November 28th, when Election Day is actually November 8th. Unless November 8th is just a lie being spread by the liberal media.

Donald Trump, last night, criticized Republicans who are dropping support for his campaign, saying, “I wouldn’t want to be in a foxhole with a lot of these people.” Trump made the comment while talking to everyone’s favorite foxhole, Bill O’Reilly.

Trump’s campaign manager, Kellyanne Conway, said this morning that Republicans should decide whether or not they support Donald Trump and “stop pussyfooting around.” That’s the worst choice of words since Abraham Lincoln said, “I need slavery like I need a hole in the head.”

Today was Yom Kippur, or as Gary Johnson calls it, “The capital of Thailand?”

Former House Speaker John Boehner says he still plans on voting for Trump even though he said, “Donald wasn’t my first choice, wasn’t my second choice, for that matter he wasn’t my third choice.” “Who was your fourth choice?” whispered Jeb.

Fri, 10/21/16

Joke Day: #3716

From: 10/12/16
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 16/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

A former “Apprentice” contestant says that Donald Trump didn’t know the names of all the women on the show, and would describe them by their bodies and looks. When asked about it, Trump said, “Which woman said that? Brown Hair/Lazy Eye or Blond Hair/Nose Job?”

Donald Trump just released a new TV ad attacking Hillary Clinton’s health, with clips of her coughing. Which was effective till the end, when he says, “I’m Donald Trump and I approve this message. (LONG SNIFF)”

Yesterday, Al Gore campaigned for Hillary Clinton at a Florida rally attended by 1,600 people. Unfortunately for Gore, a recount showed that it was only 1,300 people.

A new study finds that having acne could be a good thing because it protects your skin from aging. And then teenagers were like, “Right now it just feels like it’s protecting me from girls.”

Samsung is sending out thermally insulated “flameproof” boxes for people returning its exploding Galaxy Note 7 phones. Samsung says they’re being “extra cautious,” while UPS is saying, “Please use FedEx.”

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Paris Hilton just bought an $8,000 Chihuahua. How does Paris Hilton still have $8,000?

The dog weighs 12 ounces. I’ve eaten hot dogs that weigh more than 12 ounces. That’s not even officially a dog, that’s a hamster; she spent eight grand on a hamster.

President Obama is winding down his time in office. He’s got less than 100 days left. But he’s keeping busy, still pushing his agenda, he’s working to fight climate change, he’s shortening sentences for drug offenders, every night he goes down to the basement to visit Merrick Garland, his nominee for the Supreme Court.

The reason President Obama is working so hard up to the end is to avoid helping his wife pack the house; it’s a pain in the [butt], and he wants no part of it.

I hope Obama grows a huge retirement beard like David Letterman.

Some very prominent Republican donors are reported to be asking for their money back. Because if there’s one thing Donald Trump is known for, it’s giving money back.

Asking Donald Trump for your money back is like asking Chris Christie for a bite of his cheeseburger, it isn’t going to happen. You’ll have to pry it out of his cold, tiny hands.

Sat, 10/22/16

Joke Day: #3717

From: 10/13/16
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 17/25

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Donald Trump spoke at a campaign event in Florida today where he once again said Hillary Clinton should be locked up. Well, Donald, if it’s any consolation, it looks like the election is locked up.

During a rally in Florida yesterday Donald Trump boasted about his plans for ISIS and said he will “be their worst nightmare.” Oh, wow, so he’s also running for president of ISIS?

President Obama has only 100 days left in office. Obama was like, “I just can’t wait to get home to Kenya.”

Bob Dylan was awarded the Nobel Prize for literature today. Dylan was like, “This is the greatest honor I’ve ever received.” Or he might have said, “Misses gravy’s on her ivory steed.” It’s impossible to tell.

A new business here in Washington, D.C., opened recently allowing customers to pay $15 to take a 20-minute nap. They’re calling the new service “C-SPAN.”

Sun, 10/23/16

Joke Day: #3718

From: 10/13/16
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 18/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

The third and final debate between Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump is coming up in Las Vegas next week, and Hillary’s holding a contest where the winner gets to actually go watch it in person. Everyone was like, “Yeesh, what does the loser get?”

But the best email that’s been leaked so far claims that Hillary met with rapper Q-Tip last year to discuss how to appeal to hip-hop fans. The big takeaway for Hillary: Whatever you do, don’t try to rap.

I guess the meeting with Q-Tip really affected Hillary because afterwards, she actually came up with some rapper names for herself. First, she tried Lil’ Wheezy. Then she tried Run DNC. And finally, she tried Wiz Deleeta.

Things aren’t getting any better for Samsung. They’re actually sending customers safety gloves to help them return the exploding phones. Then they were like, “Hold up, turns out the gloves are exploding too.”

Jimmy Kimmel Live

I got a personal email from Mr. Donald J. Trump who offered me an exclusive Trump Presidential Black Card. For a one-time initiation fee of $35, you can get a card that has no benefits or rewards whatsoever.

A black card? Is this how he’s reaching out to the black community, with the card?

How did Donald Trump get my email address? I bet the Russians had something to do it.

There’s also a Trump Gold Card. That’s $49. So you can get the elite Black Card for $35, or the even less exclusive Trump Gold Card for $14 more. There’s finally a card that’s more embarrassing to carry than Discover.

We are 25 days away from the election and Donald Trump is burning up like a meteor entering the atmosphere. Five women have come forward this week to claim he behaved inappropriately with them, touching, etc., including a reporter from People magazine and former pageant winner. Which is very bad news for his campaign. The good news is, he just got an offer to be the spokesman for Jell-O pudding.

After that “Access Hollywood” tape came out, a number of prominent Republicans called for Trump to drop out. But now, because of the pressure from the “Trump-ublican” base, some of those who denounced him say they’re still planning to vote for him. They essentially un-unendorsed him so as not to anger those who might vote for them.

This is putting a lot of Republicans running for re-election in a tough spot. If they support him, they lose a lot of moderates, but if they don’t, they lose the rest. It’s like they found themselves in a “Saw” movie just before Halloween.

The TSA is cracking down on the so-called comfort animals, the ones people bring on the plane because they claim to be too nervous to fly alone. It can be any kind of pet: birds, monkeys, pigs, turkeys. Someone brought an alpaca on the plane. All you need is a note from a joke online doctor. You pay $75 and your pet is officially a comfort animal. It’s easier to get a horse on a plane than it is to get a bottle of mouthwash on a plane.

The airlines have had enough and they only want trained service animals to be allowed on the planes. I don’t blame them. I don’t want to sit next to a fish tank on the plane. Have you been on an airplane recently? It’s like a Noah’s Ark of Chihuahuas and Maltipoos. If you’re so emotionally unstable that you need to hold a poodle to get on a plane, maybe you shouldn’t get on a plane.

Mon, 10/24/16

Joke Day: #3719

From: 10/14/16

Top of Page   Joke: 19/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Hillary Clinton’s campaign manager said that based on early voting, they expect this election to have the largest voter turnout in American history. That’s right, more people than ever will go to the polls for their chance to say, “Ugh, I guess...”

Trump said that he wants to “give back to the country” he loves. Then people were like, "There's always that OTHER way to give back to your country — Pay your taxes!”

The final debate will take place next week in Las Vegas. So, Trump insisted that everything that happens there stays there.

New data from the Hubble Space Telescope shows that the universe has two trillion galaxies, which is 10 times more than previously thought. The good news is, none of those galaxies are made by Samsung.

A Harvard psychologist who studies dreams recently said that dogs likely dream of our faces, our scents, and trying to please us. Then dogs said, "Nope — just butts."

Tue, 10/25/16

Joke Day: #3720

From: 10/17/16
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 20/25

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

The election continues to be insane. Ever since the tape of the Billy Bush Locker Bus came out, Trump has been fending off attacks like a woman meeting Donald Trump.

Donald Trump tweeted that the “election is absolutely rigged by the dishonest and distorted media pushing Crooked Hillary — but also at many polling places. Sad!” Yes, even at polling places, the election is being rigged against Trump. I heard that on Nov. 8th, millions of “riggers” will be behind curtains in private booths, and with a secret ballot, collude to defeat Trump.

And why? They’re doing it for the stickers. “I Rigged.” I think that’s what it says; I’m not entirely sure.

Trump has tweeted multiple times about the media rigging the election, and he’s right. From day one, the media rigged this election — in favor of Donald Trump. You can’t turn on the TV without seeing Trump. He’s like the Geico gecko, but more cartoonish.

On Saturday, Trump said that Hillary might be using drugs to help her performance in the debates. Remember what she said about her debate strategy: “When they go low, we get high.”

Wed, 10/26/16

Joke Day: #3721

From: 10/17/16
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 21/25

The Late Late Show with James Corden

Donald Trump is telling his supporters the voter turnout will be manipulated by the Democrats on November 8th. Then again, this is coming from the guy who said, “Make sure you get out and vote November 28th.”

No matter what happens on November 8th, or the 28th, or whenever the election is happening, Trump apparently has a contingency plan — because now it seems Trump’s son-in-law Jared Kushner is in talks to create a Trump media network. Could you imagine Trump being on your TV 24 hours a day? That would be like — well, it would be like right now.

It means Billy Bush is going to be back on TV in no time.

This will probably be a news network. Trump News: It’s for people who love the news but feel like it’s not being yelled at them loud enough.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Donald Trump, you really have to hand it to him, I don’t think I’ve been this interested in a show since the first season of “Lost.” Every week, a completely new twist. We’ve gone from Mexicans to Muslims, little hands to Lyin’ Ted, Megyn Kelly to Melania’s speech, Crooked Hillary’s health to Billy Bush’s bus. Now he’s saying the election is rigged, even though it hasn’t happened yet.

Trump spent the weekend campaigning and complaining. He’s been cam-plaining.

As you know, Trump is being accused of sexual misconduct by a slew of women. Of course, that is a case of “he said” and “she said, she said, she said, she said, she said.”

Thu, 10/27/16

Joke Day: #3722

From: 10/18/16
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 22/25

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

Every day, we get another revelation about Clinton from WikiLeaks. Any more, and we’re going to need WikiDepends.

The latest is a list of the vice presidents Hillary Clinton was considering. It includes political superstars like Minnesota Senator Amy Klobuchar, and Secretary of Agriculture Tom Vilsack. Also in this WikiLeaks-released list are business leaders like Apple CEO Tim Cook and Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz. Apparently, Hillary decided against Schultz because the race already had one pumpkin-spiced candidate.

It’s been 11 days since we heard Donald Trump on the Grope-Town Express, and a lot of people have distanced themselves from Donald Trump — at least one arm’s length.

Last night, Melania explained who she really blames for Donald Trump’s behavior. Yes, it was all Billy Bush’s fault. Now I know why they were on a bus — it’s easier to throw Billy underneath it.

Fri, 10/28/16

Joke Day: #3723

From: 10/18/16
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 23/25

The Late Late Show with James Corden

Yesterday Trump’s devoted wife Melania gave an interview to Anderson Cooper where she defended Donald, saying that Billy Bush basically manipulated her husband into saying those things. Because if there’s one thing we know about Donald Trump, he usually does exactly what people tell him to do.

Melania was standing by her husband. Well, actually she stands behind him. Otherwise he’ll try to grab her you-know-where.

Responding to accusations of harassment, Melania said that she’s seen many women try to slip Trump their phone numbers. Much like how Melania tried slipping Anderson Cooper a piece of paper that said “Please rescue me, my life is a prison.”

This week, Ringling Brothers Circus is launching a new campaign titled “The circus wants the circus back,” because they’re tired of people referring to the election as a “circus,” saying it casts a negative light on their profession.

You know the election is bad when the bearded lady and lizard-man are like, “I can’t be associated with this freak show.”

The Austrian government announced on Monday that they will be tearing down the house where Adolf Hitler was born. There goes our Christmas plans.

The Austrian government said they won’t leave the lot vacant, which means “the house where Hitler was born” might soon be “the pilates studio where Hitler was born.”

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Every four years Scholastic News Magazine sponsors a mock election where kids from all over the country cast a vote for president. The results have been correct in every election since 1964 and this year Hillary Clinton won in a landslide; she beat Trump 52-35. The other 13 percent voted for SpongeBob.

Of course Trump took to Twitter to express his frustration. “Children are fat and disgusting.”

Spending at Trump-brand properties is said to be down more than 16 percent from last year. New reports say travelers have been canceling vacations at Trump resorts and avoiding restaurants on Trump properties. Good news, sales of red baseball caps are through the roof.

Sat, 10/29/16

Joke Day: #3724

From: 10/20/16
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 24/25

Jimmy Kimmel Live

We have a superhero on the show — Benedict Cumberbatch is with us. He stars in the new Marvel movie “Dr. Strange.” It’s the story of a former neurosurgeon who gets drawn into a bizarre world he knows little to nothing about. It’s based on the life of Dr. Ben Carson.

Last night from Las Vegas, “Trump vs. Clinton 3” — and just like that, we’re one step closer to never having to watch cable news again. It was the third most watched debate in history. More than 71 million people watched/screamed at their TV.

Trump needed a strong performance in the debate. His poll numbers have been dropping, and after last night, his only hope is that Michael J. Fox shows up in a time machine.

Clinton and Trump are at a dinner together, the Al Smith Dinner, a charity event thrown annually by the Catholic Archdiocese of New York. It has become a tradition for the candidates to show up and tell jokes, like a roast. Tonight Hillary and Donald are one seat apart with Cardinal Timothy Dolan sitting between them, like an unhappy couple hoping to get their marriage annulled.

Donald Trump is not a self-deprecating guy. A lot of people believe the reason he got into politics is because President Obama roasted him at the White House Correspondents Dinner. If the cardinal starts making fun of him, he might try to run for Pope.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

We have a Trump hangover. We are all still recovering from last night’s third and final debate, if there is a God.

CNN named the winner hours before the debate began. They say it was Excedrin, for their tweet, “The possibility of a debate headache is high, be prepared with Excedrin.” Of course, after watching the debate, we know the real winner was NyQuil — “Sweet darkness of sleep, it’s your only escape.”

What an amazing psych-out. It’s like that classic joke where you offer to shake somebody’s hand, but when they go to shake it . . . you undermine our system of government.

So, how did we get to the point where the fate of the American experiment rests in Donald Trump’s tiny, whining, loser hands?

Of course, Hillary also had her moments. Here’s what she said about her tax plans: “We are going to go where the money is.” And she knows where the money is. It’s where she gives her speeches.

Sun, 10/30/16

Joke Day: #3725

From: 10/20/16
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 25/25

The Late Late Show with James Corden

The big story of the debate was Donald Trump saying he might not accept the results of the election. Honestly, I didn’t know you could do that. I didn’t know you could just not accept things. If that’s the case, I’ve decided not to accept the results of my last acting audition.

Last night, Trump said he was going to keep us in suspense. But today he said he “will totally accept the results of this great and historic presidential election — if I win!” So in other words, no. No, right?

At one point, Hillary Clinton even brought up how Trump said the Emmys were rigged because “Celebrity Apprentice” never won one. Which means the Emmy Award is the only woman who Trump hasn’t grabbed.

Now, probably the weirdest thing Trump said during the evening was when he was talking about immigration, saying we have some “bad hombres” here. Bad hombres? First Melania Trump steals lines from Michelle Obama, now Trump is stealing lines from Clint Eastwood.

“Bad hombres” doesn’t sound like drug dealers. “Bad hombres” sounds like what TGI Friday’s would call their Tex-Mex appetizer platter.

“Bad hombres” sounds like the Spanish-language version of “Grumpy Old Men.” “Bad hombres” sounds like a gift shop in the Old West part of Disneyland.

“Bad hombres” sounds like a tequila that you buy by the gallon for $4. “Bad hombres” sounds like the theme song to the Mexican version of “Cops.”