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Joke of the Day

Day # Range: 3676 - 3700

Date Range: 08/31/16 ~ 09/23/16

Sat, 09/10/16

Joke Day: #3676

From: 08/31/16
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 01/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Donald Trump made a surprise trip to Mexico for a meeting with the country’s president, Enrique Peña Nieto. Or as Trump put it, “Nice to meet you, Eric Piñata.”

A reporter went through Hillary Clinton’s schedule while she was secretary of state and found that she and Bill were often away from each other, and sometimes even on different continents. When asked why they didn’t try to coordinate their schedules, Hillary said, “Oh, we did.”

Chris Christie just vetoed a proposal to boost New Jersey’s minimum wage to $15 an hour. Then fast food workers said, “After all we've done for you?”

Former Texas Gov. Rick Perry will compete on the upcoming season of Dancing with the Stars. Which is why this season it will be called “Dancing with the Stars … and Rick Perry.”

Conan O'Brien

Today, the president of Mexico hosted Donald Trump. It was just another example of a Mexican doing a job that Americans don’t want.

Yesterday after a 10-hour stand-off, Chris Brown was arrested by the LAPD. Police brought him to the station and put him in the “Chris Brown Wing.”

After insulting Mexico for the past year, Donald Trump was in Mexico today. Things got awkward when he made a speech that started out, “Hola, Rapists.”

According to a new poll, Hillary Clinton is more unpopular than ever, but still not as unpopular as Donald Trump. So this election is kind of like asking people if they’d rather have chlamydia or gonorrhea.

Ryan Lochte has just announced a new endorsement deal with a crime prevention device. The device is so advanced, it can even stop crimes that you completely made up.

New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie was spotted singing and dancing at a Bruce Springsteen concert. Then Christie tried to crowd surf and killed nine people.

Sun, 09/11/16

Joke Day: #3677

From: 09/01/16
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 02/25

Conan O'Brien

Last night, Donald Trump said if he’s elected, he will employ a "deportation task force." It’s not really necessary, because if he’s elected most people will probably leave voluntarily.

In France, a shipment that was supposed to contain orange juice actually contained a massive shipment of cocaine. Either way, a great way to start your morning.

In his speech last night, Donald Trump proposed new screening to prevent violent extremists from entering the U.S. In response, Trump’s supporters said, "But we’re already here."

A new poll reveals that supporters of both Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump are motivated by fear, not excitement. And third-party candidate Gary Johnson supporters are motivated by being related to Gary Johnson.

A prominent Latino Trump supporter announced today he is withdrawing his support for Donald Trump. He said, "I would have done it sooner but I just came out of a year-long coma."

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Donald Trump maintains that he will build a [border] wall. A beautiful wall. He keeps saying the wall will be beautiful. You know, there are some people who think we need to build a wall; I don't think anyone's requiring that it be beautiful. It seems like a simple basic wall, maybe from IKEA, would do the trick.

He also said there will be no amnesty for immigrants who come into this country illegally, which is very bad news for his next three wives.

Instagram has a new feature. Finally you can zoom in on photos on Instagram by unpinching your finger. Just when our parents learned that that didn't work, now it does. I'm going to miss yelling "you can't make it bigger" at my mother. I really am.

Mon, 09/12/16

Joke Day: #3678

From: 09/01/16
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 03/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Donald Trump gave a big speech on immigration last night. And during the speech, he said that Mexico is 100% going to pay for his, quote, "beautiful border wall." Mexicans were like, "Wait, you never said it was going to be beautiful. Who do we write the check out to?"

Rudy Giuliani spoke at Donald Trump's rally last night after he got back from Mexico and debuted a new campaign hat. This is real. We did not make this up. It reads, "Make Mexico great again also." They didn't stop there. They also debuted another hat that says, "Oh, yeah, I guess we better make Canada great again, too, while we're at it, in addition to the United States and Mexico."

A JetBlue flight took off from Florida to Cuba this week, marking the first commercial flight to Cuba since 1961. People said that they couldn't believe the third world conditions, but then they got off the JetBlue plane and were like, "Finally, we're in Cuba."

A sperm donor in Georgia, who has fathered 36 children, recently admitted to lying on his application about his high IQ. After hearing this story, Ryan Lochte said, "Dad?"

Tue, 09/13/16

Joke Day: #3679

From: 09/06/16
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 04/25

Late Night With Seth Meyers

The latest CNN poll has Donald Trump beating Hillary Clinton 45 percent to 43 percent. But the good news is, the staffer who informed Hillary is expected to make a full recovery.

Apple is supposed to unveil the latest iPhone tomorrow, which will reportedly do away with the traditional headphone jack. And this is convenient, the included ear buds will come “pre-lost.”

New York Mets player Wilmer Flores excited fans this weekend after changing his walk-up music to the theme song from "Friends." 'Cause if there’s one thing Mets fans understand, it’s when it hasn’t been your day, your week, your month or even your year.

A national Washington Post survey found that Donald Trump has historically low support among college-educated women. It’s from their new segment, “Stuff You Could Have Guessed.”

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

President Obama flew to China for Labor Day because he wanted to see where American labor went.

The president is there for his very last G20 Summit. So, the next time he talks international economics, it'll be with a really bored person at a party.

There was a bit of a rough patch at the beginning of the meeting, when Chinese officials wouldn't let President Obama get off Air Force One using the normal staircase, or "Stair Force One" … I hope that's what they call it.

Have you heard about the latest FBI report on Hillary Clinton's emails? Probably not, because they put it out the Friday before Labor Day. You couldn't hide that news more if you welded it inside a lead capsule and fired it into the heart of the sun.

One of the big revelations of this latest email dump is that Secretary Clinton didn't use just one smartphone in office as she originally claimed, she used up to 13 different mobile devices in four years. Madam Secretary, tell the truth. Are you a crack dealer? Because I can't figure out why else you would need 13 phones.

Wed, 09/14/16

Joke Day: #3680

From: 09/06/16
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 05/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Yesterday, in China, President Obama had a meeting with Vladimir Putin. And before they started, Obama texted Michelle: "Going into a meeting, love you." While Putin texted the same thing to Donald Trump.

A photo of Obama greeting Putin is going viral, because people think they're giving each other the death stare. I feel like both guys were just thinking, "Oof, he's gotten old."

A lot of people were saying President Obama was snubbed by China when they didn't have the stairs ready for him to get off the plane. In fact, Donald Trump said that if that ever happened to him, he'd just close the plane doors and leave the country. Every other country was like, "That's all we have to do? Thank you. That's perfect!"

Happy birthday to New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie. It was the first birthday party where someone jumped into the cake instead of out of it.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Labor Day Weekend is always kind of sad to me. Summer's over. Good-bye fun sandals and flirty tops, hello pictures of kids wearing backpacks on Facebook.

Did you see Donald Trump dancing at the gospel church? Donald Trump this weekend, as part of his new initiative to woo African-American voters, visited the Great Faith Ministries Church in Detroit. He said he was there to listen. I don't know what he was listening to but based on his dancing, it clearly wasn't music.

After three weddings you'd think he'd have learned how to dance. I bet if you asked him if he's a good dancer he'd say, "Yeah, I'm the best, nobody dances like me." And it's true, nobody does dance like that.

Thu, 09/15/16

Joke Day: #3681

From: 09/07/16

Top of Page   Joke: 06/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Donald Trump has just revealed that he’s not practicing for the upcoming debates in a “traditional” way, and has not been using a stand-in for Hillary. Which explains why today I saw Trump at Ann Taylor Loft yelling at a mannequin. “That sweater set isn’t very presidential! Sad!”

Today, Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz said he’s endorsing Hillary Clinton for president. Well, actually what he said was, “I have an endorsement for . . . Hilarity? Is there a Hilarity here? Hillberry? Hill-am-bee?”

Jessica Alba’s Honest Company is selling “bipartisan diapers” featuring the Democratic donkey and Republican elephant holding hands. Because at the end of the day, both Republicans and Democrats are basically full of the same thing.

I saw that a library in Alabama is warning customers that failing to return a book on time could result in 30 days in jail. So if anyone asks what you're in for, LIE!

Failing to return a book on time could result in 30 days in jail. So remember, kids: If you want to stay out of trouble — don’t read.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Apple unveiled the new iPhone today, which it says is water resistant. This could be a devastating blow for the “big bag of rice” industry.

Police in Connecticut on Friday discovered a cache of 600 marijuana plants growing in the backyard of a daycare center. Said one of the kids, “It’s not how to get to Sesame Street that matters, it’s about the journey, man.”

A new study shows that a small percentage of Americans take medication designed for pets instead of getting a prescription from their doctor. Said one owner, “Ah yeah . . . my dog’s having trouble getting an erection?”

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

Trump may have gotten a sign he will win in November because Trump's attorney, Michael Cohen, tweeted out a picture of a cloud that kind of looks like Donald Trump, along with the caption, “In case anyone is unsure as to who will be our next #POTUS, the Lord has chosen the people's messenger.” Yes, God made a Trump-shaped cloud, though the cloud actually holds a position longer than the real Donald Trump.

God works in mysterious ways because later that day He also endorsed [shows cloud photos] a seahorse, a ducky, and your mother making love to the mailman.

A court on the island of Corsica just upheld a local ban on burkinis, which combine a burka with a bikini. [shows photo of fully- clad woman on beach] Though I gotta say, I don't see much kini. It's mostly burk. But then again, well, look at those ankles! Hello! Those can't be natural.

Defenders of the ban say burkinis promote the subjugation of women. So basically here’s their logic: “Excuse me, ma’am, your garment is part of a culture that oppresses women. So let’s lose that top.”

Fri, 09/16/16

Joke Day: #3682

From: 09/08/16
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 07/25

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Republican vice presidential nominee Mike Pence broke with his running mate yesterday, saying that unlike Donald Trump, he does not doubt that President Obama was born in Hawaii. Though interestingly, Pence refused to respond when asked if it was true that he was born in Lego Land.

A man in Australia was caught last week smuggling half a million dollars’ worth of cocaine in his stomach in Sydney airport. In his defense, it would have cost him OVER a million if he bought it AT the airport.

A new study suggests that “starchiness” should be added as a new taste to the five basic tastes that humans can detect. One researcher’s wife was like, “Next time you can just say you didn't like it.”

A food festival in Los Angeles has announced they'll be holding a seminar on cooking with marijuana. The way it works is, you put a frozen pizza in the oven and then you find it the next day when you wake up.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

Last night they held, like, an appetizer debate — an “amuse douche,” if you will. It was called the Commander-in-Chief Forum. Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump answered questions about national security. It was the first time the two of them were in the same room since Trump's wedding.

It took place right here in New York on the aircraft carrier Intrepid. Once the two of them were on board, a lot of people were tempted to cut it loose and let it drift out to sea.

Since last night was not technically a debate, there's no real winner. But many have declared a loser: Matt Lauer. New York magazine summed up by saying, "Matt Lauer's interviews of Clinton and Trump were a complete disgrace to journalism." Which I think is unfair. Come on. A complete disgrace to journalism would be Matt Lauer dressing up as Paris Hilton.

Sat, 09/17/16

Joke Day: #3683

From: 09/08/16
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 08/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Football started tonight with the Denver Broncos playing their first game since Peyton Manning retired. Trevor Siemian took his place and before kickoff, Peyton put his arm around Trevor's shoulder, looked into his eyes and said, "You know, starting today, you can get two medium Papa John's pizzas for $6."

New York's Fashion Week kicked off yesterday. A crowded runway where people keep going in circles, or as most New Yorkers call that, LaGuardia.

Speaking of Kanye, he reportedly set a record this week, selling almost $800,000 worth of merchandise at Madison Square Garden — beating the record held by Pope Francis when he held Mass there. So if you're keeping score, that's Yeezus one, Jesus zero.

The Late Late Show with James Corden

Last night was NBC's Commander-in-Chief Forum where Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump gave live back-to-back interviews about national security, and the candidates decided who would go first with a coin toss. But there was an awkward moment when Trump saw the coin, grabbed it, and put it in his pocket. “So what? I didn't see a coin, what coin, what are you talking about?”

In all seriousness Donald Trump called heads, but just in case he lost he also called the whole thing rigged.

The forum was hosted by “Today Show” host Matt Lauer and a lot of people were very angry with his performance last night. Not Apple-losing-the-headphone-jack angry, but they were angry.

Much of the criticism stemmed from Lauer not pressing Trump when he lied or didn't answer questions. My question is, how did Matt Lauer even end up with this job? Was there a conversation at NBC like, “You know who would be great for the presidential forum?” And they were like, “Oh, the guy on ‘The Today Show’ who excitedly announces they're now making pumpkin spice marshmallows.”

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Tom Hanks is here tonight to tell us about his movie "Sully," a story about a group of Somali pirates who hijack Tom's plane and threaten his life with a box of chocolates or something like that.

Matt Lauer interviewed Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton back-to-back in front of a crowd of American veterans. The winner, the leader who came off strongest and best last night, was Vladimir Putin.

Donald Trump loves Vladimir Putin. After all is said and done, if he doesn't become president, at the least, Donald Trump will have amazing sex with Vladimir Putin.

The one guy Donald Trump has nothing bad to say about is Vladimir Putin. Maybe he is afraid Putin will cut off his supply of wives.

Tonight’s the rematch of the Super Bowl between the Carolina Panthers and the Denver Broncos. Broncos will be without quarterback Peyton Manning this year. Peyton retired at the end of last season so he could spend more time grocery shopping with Lionel Richie.

The New York Mets signed ex-NFL player Tim Tebow to a minor league contract. Proof that God exists — or doesn't; I am not sure. If this doesn't work out, he may never lose his virginity.

According to new research from the CDC, middle-aged parents are more likely to smoke marijuana than their teenage kids. In other words, your mom finally made weed uncool like she did to Myspace.

The use of marijuana by older Americans has skyrocketed. It is up 455 percent since 2002 — which, of course, is the year Oprah made it one of her Favorite Things.

Among seniors 65 and older, monthly marijuana use is up 333 percent. That's just Willie Nelson.

Sun, 09/18/16

Joke Day: #3684

From: 09/09/16
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 09/25

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Donald Trump said this week that Vladimir Putin has been a leader far more than our president has been a leader, and he's got a point. I mean, if President Obama was as strong a leader as Vladimir Putin, Donald Trump would be dead by now. That would be the difference.

Fox News anchor Chris Wallace, who will be moderator for the final presidential debate of election season, said in an interview this week that he doesn't feel it's his job to call out the candidates when they lie. "Super!" said Hillary and Donald at the same time.

New York City turned 352 years old yesterday, and I have to say, it smells it.

The movie "Sully," about the miracle on the Hudson, landed in theaters this weekend, which was pretty shocking because it was supposed to land in Charlotte.

A New York man was arrested this morning after allegedly stealing $600 from the bra of a 93-year-old woman. The woman was like, "Hey, give that back! I danced my [butt] off for that money."

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

Some disturbing news out of North Korea, they conducted a nuclear test detonating a 10-kiloton device underground. You think it's hard being a North Korean? Imagine being a North Korean prairie dog.

North Korea may soon have the technology to nuke countries other than their own because last month they tested a submarine-based missile called the "No Dong." The missile flew 300 miles before falling into the Sea of Japan. Man! The dolphins around Japan just cannot catch a break.

I'd like to take a moment right now to reassure Kim Jong Un. Dear Leader, I want you to know that your ban on sarcasm is a great idea, it's so, SO smart. It doesn't seem desperate AT ALL. And setting off a bomb underneath your own country? Genius!

By the way, that haircut — amazing! Doesn't make you look anything like a gang leader at a women's prison.

Mon, 09/19/16

Joke Day: #3685

From: 09/09/16
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 10/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Fashion Week is in full swing here in New York City. During one interview, Kendall Jenner made the comment that Hillary Clinton might look good in a jumpsuit. Then Hillary said, “Well, hopefully they never find those emails or it’ll be an orange jumpsuit.”

During last night's game between the Broncos and the Panthers, quarterback Cam Newton was spotted on the bench flossing his teeth. Weirdly, that was the moment dudes were like, “I could never make it in the NFL.”

This morning, North Korea claimed it successfully tested its fifth and most powerful nuclear warhead. Kim Jong Un called the test a major triumph, then asked how long it takes eyebrows to grow back.

Vladimir Putin told Bloomberg Businessweek that Russia never interfered with the U.S. election and doesn't plan to. Putin was like, “Trust me – it was hard enough rigging ‘The Bachelorette.’”

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Last night North Korea conducted what they claim was a successful test of their biggest nuclear warhead yet. So congrats to them. I'm glad they're finally figuring that out. Will someone please tell Kim Jong Un they like his new glasses and he looks like he lost weight so he doesn't kill everybody on the West Coast?

Don't worry, though. Donald Trump is going to take care of all of this. How do you fight crazy hair? With even crazier hair.

I don't know if you saw this but some interesting photos of Donald Trump were released today from the year 2000. There he is [shows photo] at the U.S. Open with his then-girlfriend Melania, former President Bill Clinton and a lady in a Playboy Bunny shirt. How perfect is this photograph? Look at those two bitter enemies sizing each other up. It looks like the first three minutes of a “Girls Gone Wild” video. It represents the United States at its peak. Before 9/11, before ISIS, before "Celebrity Apprentice" — just two horny dudes yukking it up with a couple of swimsuit models.

This is probably why Trump hates Hillary. She ruined this for them. She took his wing man away.

Tue, 09/20/16

Joke Day: #3686

From: 09/12/16
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 11/25

The Late Late Show with James Corden

This weekend Hillary Clinton called half of Trump supporters a basket of deplorables. A basket of deplorables is not only an insult, but it's also the top-selling item at KFC.

While in New York Hillary became overheated and had to leave an event to receive medical attention. It turns out that she had been diagnosed with pneumonia on Friday. I mean this was a scary moment for Donald Trump because he was thinking, "Oh God, I might actually have to be the president."

But today on Fox News Trump actually said, "I just hope she gets well and gets back on the trail." I mean forget Hillary, is Trump OK?

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Hillary Clinton upset Republicans this weekend after she accused half of Trump supporters of belonging to a basket of deplorables, which is also Trump's usual order at KFC. "I will have the 12-piece basket of deplorables. Tremendously crispy."

RNC Chairman Reince Priebus spoke out against Hillary Clinton's attack on Donald Trump's supporters and said, "Clinton's comments show outright contempt for ordinary people." Then again, so does the name Reince Priebus.

Hillary Clinton left the Ground Zero memorial service early yesterday because she felt overheated. Said Trump, "Hey, if anyone's too hot it's my daughter Ivanka."

Following the news that Hillary Clinton is suffering from pneumonia, Donald Trump has promised to release his own medical records. "Wait, you wanted me to save those?" said his doctor.

Green Party candidate Jill Stein said on Sunday that she would not have assassinated Osama bin Laden, but instead would have captured him and brought him to trial. I would say that will hurt her poll numbers but she only has one.

Wed, 09/21/16

Joke Day: #3687

From: 09/12/16
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 12/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Hillary Clinton had to walk back a comment she made about Trump supporters last week. So, if you're keeping track, Trump supporters are deplorable, and Hillary supporters are deportable.

Hillary was just diagnosed with pneumonia. And to everyone's surprise, Trump has refused to attack her while she's sick and even said that he hopes she feels better. At which point, people started asking Trump if he was feeling OK.

I guess Trump really does want her to get better, because today he sent her some flowers in a basket of deplorables.

Conan O'Brien

Donald Trump said he wishes Hillary Clinton a speedy recovery from her pneumonia. He said, "Get well soon, you shrill, lying crook."

Chipotle is testing deliveries by drone. A spokesman for Chipotle said, "If our food is going to come flying out of you, it might as well fly into you."

Some conspiracy theorists are claiming that Hillary Clinton is so sick that she’s been using a body double. When Bill Clinton heard about it, he said, "Man, I wish."

After Hillary Clinton’s health scare yesterday, Donald Trump has said he will release his medical records and he said he’s expecting some "very large numbers."

North Korea is on a campaign to increase tourism. They have a new slogan, "Come for our glorious sights, stay because you saw too much."

Thu, 09/22/16

Joke Day: #3688

From: 09/13/16
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 13/25

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Following an uproar over her hidden pneumonia diagnosis, Hillary Clinton said yesterday that she just didn’t think it was going to be that big a deal to keep the illness from going public. Sure, when has keeping a secret ever hurt a Clinton?

According to a new poll, neither Hillary Clinton nor Donald Trump is currently projected to have the necessary 270 Electoral College votes to clinch the election. So you know what that means — a dance off!

Newt Gingrich commented on Hillary Clinton’s current health concerns last night, and said he is unlikely to trust her medical reports. Oh, but you’ll trust Donald Trump’s doctor? He looks like he got his medical license from a Dave & Buster’s claw machine.

Bill Clinton tried to dispel rumors yesterday about Hillary Clinton’s health and said that she’s almost certainly in better health than her opponent. I don’t know, Trump definitely has higher levels of vitamins K, F, and C.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

It has been a rough week for Hillary Clinton. She has been dropping in the polls, and over the weekend, even her immune system turned against her. No surprise — all the white blood cells are voting for Trump.

Most damaging of all may have been a remark she made at a fundraiser on Friday when describing Trump’s voters as a “basket of deplorables.” Wow. Hillary should put her insults in “the hamper of awkwardness.”

It sounds like the worst-selling item at Edible Arrangements. Or maybe your cousin’s suburban punk band. Or even better, maybe the Korean translation of the “Minions” movie.

Fri, 09/23/16

Joke Day: #3689

From: 09/13/16
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 14/25

The Late Late Show with James Corden

Protesters rushed the stage during Olympic swimmer Ryan Lochte’s performance — or as Ryan Lochte told the press afterwards, some Brazilians tried to rob him at gunpoint while he was dancing.

We’re not even sure what they were protesting, but one thing they did accomplish was making Ryan Lochte even more confused than he is normally. “Whoa, why are these guys so mad at dancing?”

It’s weird to protest “Dancing With the Stars” because that’s already where stars go as punishment for doing something wrong. The protesters are like, “Lochte must pay!” And he’s like, “Do you think I just did the foxtrot with Cheryl Burke for fun?!”

There’s been a lot in the news about Hillary Clinton’s recent bout of pneumonia. Hillary herself tweeted about it yesterday, saying just like any sick person, she’s “just anxious to get back out there.” That shows how out of touch Hillary is with regular people. People don’t want to go back to work. Nobody’s in bed at 1 p.m. thinking, “Oh man, I wish I was watching Linda’s PowerPoint on how to fill out my expense reports.”

Her doctors say she’s doing so well, she’ll be up and deleting emails in no time.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Protesters interrupted the show “Dancing With the Stars” to protest Ryan Lochte, upset that the Olympic swimmer is part of the competition and they decided to run onstage to tell everyone about it. That tackle, sadly, was the closest ABC will ever get to having Monday night football on the network.

The men were arrested on suspicion of trespassing or as they call on it “Dancing with the Stars,” tres-paso doble.

I get that the protester wants to see him punished, but I don’t think this guy realizes, being on “Dancing With the Stars” IS his punishment.

Where were these guys when Paula Deen was on the show, when Tom DeLay was on the show, Warren Sapp, Floyd Mayweather, O.J.? O.J. wasn’t on “Dancing With the Stars?” Well, he will be, with good behavior.

Ryan Lochte himself was a little shaken up. They asked him how he was feeling. He said, “So many feelings are going through my head. No thoughts. But a lot of feelings.”

Sat, 09/24/16

Joke Day: #3690

From: 09/13/16
(**Part 3**)

Top of Page   Joke: 15/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Last night was the big season premiere of “Dancing With the Stars.” And at one point, two protesters rushed the stage as Olympic swimmer Ryan Lochte got his scores. Security stopped them within about 10 seconds, or as Lochte put it, “They kidnapped me, put a gun to my head, and dropped me off at the Grand Canyon!”

Yesterday Hillary tweeted to her supporters that like anyone who’s ever been home sick from work, she’s just anxious to get back out there. Then those people said, “Nope, we’re pretty happy just staying home and watching Netflix.”

Yesterday Joe Biden told some of Hillary’s campaign workers that he’s also had pneumonia before, and that if the doctor tells you to take three days off, you should actually take SIX days off. Of course, that advice only really works if your job is vice president.

A spokesman for the Royal Family says that Prince William and Kate Middleton’s upcoming family trip to Canada will be a “largely casual” and “highly outdoors” event. Then normal people said, “So ... camping. You’re going camping.”

Conan O'Brien

Hillary Clinton revealed to Anderson Cooper that she has fainted “a few times.” Of course, I think we all get that way around Anderson Cooper.

A fistfight broke out at a Trump rally yesterday. Or, more accurately, a Trump rally broke out during a fistfight.

A 700-pound woman is trying to hit 1,000 pounds to reach her goal of becoming the World’s Fattest Woman. Although, she still plans to put “700 pounds” on her Tinder profile.

A new study came out and it claims that women would be better off going to bed two hours before men. The study was paid for by guys who want to watch porn.

Donald Trump will be going on the Dr. Oz show to discuss his health. He will then discuss his immigration plan with Dora the Explorer.

During last night’s “Dancing With the Stars,” two protesters rushed the stage during Ryan Lochte’s performance. So finally, an assault on Ryan Lochte that really happened.

During last night’s Rams v. 49ers NFL game, a fan that ran onto the field had more rushing yards than the entire Rams offense. The guy got arrested, so now that we know he can run and has a criminal record, he’s perfect for the NFL.

Sun, 09/25/16

Joke Day: #3691

From: 09/14/16
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 16/25

The Late Late Show with James Corden

Today Republican candidate Donald Trump decided to clear the air and reveal the results of a recent physical, on “The Dr. Oz Show.” Which is an interesting move. Like for Donald Trump, you know, sure, Dr. Oz is a respected doctor — you know, in the same way that Dr. Dre is a respected doctor.

If you think that a presidential candidate appearing on “Dr. Oz” is ridiculous, later Donald stopped by the Maury Povich show and found out that he is not the father.

Tomorrow, Hillary Clinton is going to be cleared of all email charges by Judge Judy.

TMZ reported that the rapper Nelly is in debt to the IRS for about $2 million. I guess now when Nelly sings, “If you want to go and take a ride with me,” it’s only because he’s working as an Uber driver.

Nelly announced plans to dial back his spending. He said he will only be putting a brand new Band-Aid on his face every other day.

Things have gotten so bad that Nelly sold off the space on his Band-Aid to advertisers.

A lot of fans have worried that Nelly has been really depressed lately and now we all know why: “Hey, it must be the money!”

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Donald Trump will appear on “Dr. Oz” tomorrow, while his traditional doctor will appear on “Law & Order SVU”: “I didn’t know she took all of those pills!”

Hacked emails from former Secretary of State Colin Powell show he recently referred to Donald Trump as “a national disgrace” and “an international pariah.” Trump was like, “Listen, I love Pariah. I have all of her albums. So that’s a compliment to me.”

Libertarian presidential candidate Gary Johnson took out a full-page ad in today’s New York Times asking to be included in the first debate. Green Party candidate Jill Stein took a full-page ad out of The New York Times and folded it into a neat little hat.

A high school student has developed an app that helps teens locate a welcoming group of kids in the lunchroom called “Sit With Us” — or as bullies call it, “Victim Finder.”

A guacamole-themed restaurant is set to open in New York on Friday and it already turned brown.

Mon, 09/26/16

Joke Day: #3692

From: Coming Soon

Top of Page   Joke: 17/25

From 09/14/16
(**Part 2**)

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Donald Trump taped an appearance on “Dr. Oz” today to discuss his health and his diet, and reportedly told Dr. Oz that he likes fast food because, “At least you know what they’re putting in it.” Then workers at Taco Bell and Arby’s said, “You keep telling yourself that.”

Donald Trump’s childhood home in Queens is going up for auction next month. Apparently, the house has five bedrooms, or as Trump calls it, “20 walls.”

The upcoming movie about President Barack Obama’s college years reportedly shows a young Obama shirtless, smoking cigarettes and smoking weed. Or as the president calls him: 2017 Obama.

Wal-Mart is working on a self-driving shopping cart that would return itself to the store after you’re done using it. Though the minute that Wal-Mart shopping cart becomes self-aware, it’s going to drive itself to Target and never look back.

Conan O'Brien

A new poll shows that Donald Trump is now leading in Nevada. Which actually makes sense, since 50 percent of Nevada voters are also failed casino owners.

Kid Rock has condemned NFL quarterback Colin Kaepernick for his protest. Man, I hope this doesn’t alienate Kid Rock’s African-American fan base.

Yesterday, California banned the breeding of killer whales in captivity. Good news for orcas, bad news for the orca porn industry.

A study just came out that said men who grow up with older brothers are more likely to be gay. I must say, as someone with two older brothers, I don’t think that’s true and neither does my lover, Barry.

In newly leaked emails, former Secretary of State Colin Powell calls Hillary Clinton “greedy,” and Donald Trump “a disgrace,” and Dick Cheney an “idiot.” In response, Americans everywhere said, “Hey, three for three.”

In the leaked emails from Colin Powell, he calls Donald Trump “a national disgrace.” Trump was furious and said, “Hey, I’m an international disgrace.”

Tue, 09/27/16

Joke Day: #3693

From: 09/15/16

Top of Page   Joke: 18/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

We have Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump on the show tonight, which means security is very tight. On their way in, everyone in the audience had to put their keys into a tray and their deplorables into a basket.

It’s been a busy week for Trump. Earlier today, he appeared on “Dr. Oz” and said that he wants to lose about 15 pounds. And his barber said, “Hey, come by any time you like!”

Everybody’s talking about these leaked emails from former Secretary of State Colin Powell. In one, he actually called Dick Cheney an idiot. Cheney was very hurt. In fact, he said the comments broke his latest heart.

Hillary Clinton is featured in the upcoming issue of Women’s Health magazine. While next month she’ll be featured in “Bad Timing” magazine.

A new study finds that if you’re drunk around sober people, you’ll think you’re less drunk than if you’re around other drunk people. And if you’re drunk around sober people, chances are you’ve got a problem.

Conan O'Brien

The White House has announced that America will accept 110,000 refugees next year. Meanwhile, Canada announced if Donald Trump wins, they’ll accept 110 million refugees.

Donald Trump admitted to Dr. Oz that he is overweight, loves fast food, and doesn’t exercise. In a related story, Trump just won Wisconsin.

A man is getting bar mitzvah’d at age 113. They’re hoping the attendance is better than last year when he got circumcised.

During a campaign rally yesterday, Donald Trump said, “You think Hillary Clinton could stand up here for an hour?” Then he debuted his new campaign slogan, “I Can Stand Up for an Hour.”

Ivanka Trump abruptly ended an interview with Cosmopolitan magazine because she felt the questions were “unfair.” Of course it’s understandable, most of us wither under the intense political grilling of Cosmopolitan magazine.

A woman in Oregon who was hospitalized for E. coli after eating Chipotle is suing the company for free Chipotle. It’s all part of Oregon’s “right to die” law.

A 100-year-old tortoise named Diego has now fathered over 800 offspring. Which is why today, he was the first tortoise in history to be drafted into the NBA.

The Duggars, of the TV show “19 Kids and Counting,” are adopting a 20th child. Not because they wanted one, but because it came free on their punch card.

Ivanka Trump cut short an interview with Cosmo because of what she said was all the “negativity.” Which is weird because all the interviewer said was, “So, your dad is Donald Trump, right?”

The Late Late Show with James Corden

We’ve been hearing a lot recently about Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton. But there is finally another politician in the news, because former President George W. Bush announced today that he is releasing a book of his paintings.

Recent polling has shown that Hillary Clinton’s lead over Donald Trump has almost totally disappeared and the candidates are basically tied. They’re neck and neck. Well, for Hillary it’s the neck. For Trump it’s more like a gizzard thing.

This week a study was released by the World Health Organization showing that the United States is the third most depressing country in the world after India and China. When Americans heard the news they were like, “Oh, we only got third?”

America, you have got to buck up. Look, I understand India, China — they are overpopulated and they are polluted. But America, you guys are like, “Ew, there’s no Wi-Fi at this restaurant. How am I supposed to Snapchat my sliders? I’m sad now.”

Wed, 09/28/16

Joke Day: #3694

From: 09/19/16
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 19/25

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Donald Trump held a press conference Friday where he announced that he believes President Obama was born in the U.S. Said Trump, “I hope that settles the issue. That Muslim was born here.”

Donald Trump accused media outlets this morning of deliberately editing his words to make him come across in a bad light. Also making Trump come across in a bad light – light.

The U.N. General Assembly began today, and Donald Trump was scheduled to meet with the president of Egypt. Said Trump, “Pleasure to meet you, Mr. Tut.”

Miami started a citywide ban on Styrofoam this weekend. Because if you’ve ever been to Florida, you know they have a huge problem with white trash.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

This weekend some jerk placed pressure cooker bombs in a couple different places around New York City. Thankfully, no one was killed, and everyone who was injured is out of the hospital. At this point, can't we assume that any New Yorker buying a pressure cooker is up to no good? No one who lives here cooks.

In fact, if you don't have a Seamless account, the FBI has some questions for you.

One reason that more people weren’t hurt is that this jerk left duffel bags on the street, and two of the bombs were discovered by thieves snatching bags. Because, as all New Yorkers know: If you see something, steal something.

Thu, 09/29/16

Joke Day: #3695

From: 09/19/16
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 20/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Hillary Clinton is here and today is my birthday! Later we're going to bring out a cake and let Hillary cough out the candles.

They just announced that during the second presidential debate the moderators will be picking questions based off of what's trending on Facebook. Which will explain their opening question, "Is Blac Chyna too good for Rob?"

Last week Trump revealed his child care proposals, including a plan to guarantee six weeks of paid maternity leave. Mothers will get six weeks off, as long as their babies can produce their long-form birth certificates.

Other slogans: "Samsung: This message will self-destruct in five seconds." That kind of makes you feel like James Bond, or "Mission Impossible." Finally, we have: "Samsung: The hover board of cellphones."

Edward Snowden said this week that the public would be worse off if he hadn't revealed that the NSA was tracking people's phone conversations. While the public tried to remember the last time they actually had a phone conversation. 2003, maybe?

Conan O'Brien

One of the big winners at last night's Emmys was "The People v. O.J. Simpson." I gotta say, there’s nothing better than checking out the news and hearing, "It was a great night for O.J.!"

It’s come out that Hillary Clinton is having a hard time connecting with millennial voters. So now she’s saying that last week’s coughing spell was actually due to a massive bong hit.

Only 50 more days until the election. That’s according to my calendar, The Book of Revelation.

This weekend, Martha Stewart said Donald Trump should not be president because he is "totally unprepared." Though to be fair, by Martha Stewart’s standards, we’re ALL unprepared.

Donald Trump’s running mate Mike Pence said that his role model for the vice presidency is Dick Cheney. To prove it, this weekend Pence had six heart attacks and shot his friend in the face.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Last night at the Emmys, "The People v. O.J. Simpson" took home nine awards. Actor, supporting actor, writing, even the Ford Bronco won best mid-sized sport utility vehicle.

"Game of Thrones" had a good night. Won best drama, set the record for most Emmys won by a series ever, 38 Emmys. A bunch of the actors from "Game of Thrones" came to our party last night. I have to admit I got a little nervous. On "Game of Thrones," when they have a party, people have a tendency to die violently.

I have some sad news to report: If you were hoping to pick up one of those Olive Garden Never Ending Pasta Passes, they’re all sold out. All 21,000 passes, priced at $100 apiece, sold out in one second. … You know, if you buy this, you really should be kicked off your company health plan.

The deal is, you can eat all the pasta you want for a period of seven weeks, and if you don’t last the full seven weeks, they’ll dump the remainder of the pasta into your coffin.

By the way, if Olive Garden REALLY treated people like family, they wouldn’t charge you for food at all.

Fri, 09/30/16

Joke Day: #3696

From: 09/21/16
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 21/25

The Late Late Show with James Corden

President Barack Obama appeared before the U.N. General Assembly for the final time in his presidency to announce that the U.S. would be admitting 110,000 refugees in the coming year. Now the refugees will include people fleeing dangerous places like Syria, Libya, Florida...

This might sound like a lot of people, 110,000 people are coming in, but you’ve got to remember millions will be fleeing if Trump is elected.

Obama announced this today, the day after a tweet by the Trump campaign comparing refugees to poisoned Skittles. Obama was basically like, “It was going to be 100,000, but after your little Skittles tweet, it’s now 110,000.”

Emma Watson gave a speech about gender inequality on college campuses. If there is one issue Emma Watson is familiar with, it is large educational institutions being run by an old white guy.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

President Obama’s half-brother, who lives in Kenya, told reporters this week that he will be voting for Donald Trump in the country’s mock U.S. election. Oh, that’s got to sting for Trump — an Obama wants to vote for him, but it’s the one with the Kenyan birth certificate.

Donald Trump said at a campaign rally yesterday that he would put Syrian refugees in safe zones, and make Middle Eastern countries pay for them, adding, “There’s nothing like doing things with other people’s money.” “You said it, baby,” said Melania.

Tomorrow is the first day of fall. I am so excited to watch Donald Trump change colors.

A company has come out with a new smartphone-connected candle that can light or extinguish itself on command. Of course, Samsung already has a phone that can light without a command.

Sat, 10/01/16

Joke Day: #3697

From: 09/21/16
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 22/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

It was announced that you’ll be able to watch next week’s debate on Twitter. So, finally a way to see Trump say something really crazy on Twitter.

I saw that on Monday Donald Trump met with the Egyptian president in New York City while he’s in town for the U.N. General assembly. Trump said he’s always felt connected to Egypt, mostly because Trump University was a huge pyramid scheme.

House Speaker Paul Ryan was at the airport and didn’t recognize a three-year congresswoman from Massachusetts. And even asked her, “So what do you do?” Ryan realized she was a congresswoman when she answered, “Nothing.”

Apparently Kanye West just gave Kim Kardashian a massive second diamond engagement ring. Kim said, “Wow, thank you so much.” While every married guy in America said, “Yeah, thank you so much.”

New research found that pigeons can actually be taught to read. And once the researcher finished teaching the pigeon, the first thing it wrote was, “Get a life, man.”

Conan O'Brien

Today, Donald Trump told an African-American audience, “Black churches are the conscience of our country.” In response, the crowd said, “Yes, that’s why we’re not voting for you.”

Donald Trump falsely claimed that NBC News anchor Lester Holt is a Democrat, when he’s actually a registered Republican. In other words, Trump just alienated the one black guy who might have voted for him.

Fox News has forbidden Sean Hannity from appearing in any more campaign ads for Donald Trump. Fox said, “We want to appear neutral while covering the race between Mr. Trump and that Sickly Lying Witch.”

Two days ago, Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton were tied in Florida, but today she is up by five points. Of course, there’s a margin of error... of Florida.

In California, two women have been arrested for holding a group of men hostage and making them work for several months on a marijuana farm. The men said they wanted to escape but they never got around to it.

It’s rumored that Brad Pitt had been cheating on Angelina Jolie with an actress who looks like a young Angelina Jolie. As a result, he’s about to have the bank account of a young Brad Pitt.

Sun, 10/02/16

Joke Day: #3698

From: 09/22/16
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 23/25

Jimmy Kimmel Live

You wouldn’t know it from walking around in Hollywood, but today is the first official day of fall. Autumn is upon us and summer is gone. I don’t know. It’s kind of sad. How am I supposed to pick out a Halloween costume? I didn’t have time to get bikini-ready.

Some people are trying to figure out what they’re wearing for Halloween. It’s hard for me to relate to. If you’re looking for a political costume, I saw this online, you can be Sexy Hillary Clinton. It’s just Hillary with no pants on. That’s how she got pneumonia, by the way. Or you can be Sexy Donald Trump — or maintain a shred of dignity and be neither of them for Halloween.

The only person I can imagine dressing up as Sexy Donald Trump for Halloween is Donald Trump himself.

And neither Sexy Trump nor Sexy Clinton is half as disturbing as Sexy Bernie Sanders. He distributes the candy evenly throughout the neighborhood.

Yahoo today announced that at least 500 million user accounts have been hacked, which would be one of the biggest cyber security breaches ever. They got information from 500 million people who are still inexplicably using Yahoo.

They believe it was by a state-sponsored actor like Russia or North Korea, or maybe the Belgians are up to something. Whatever country it was is unaware no one has signed up for a Yahoo account since 1996.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Sen. Elizabeth Warren said yesterday that Donald Trump is too chicken to release his tax returns. Too chicken? I don’t know. He looks more like ham to me.

Donald Trump said yesterday that there will be a great place for former presidential candidate Dr. Ben Carson in his administration if he wins. Although I’m guessing it won’t be secretary of energy.

A new poll has found that almost 70 percent of voters say they have concerns about Donald Trump’s rhetoric. And the other 30 percent said [shows photo of Trump’s sons], “Which one’s Rhetoric?”

Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg announced a $3 billion initiative yesterday, to cure or manage all diseases within the next lifetime. Hopefully to include whatever disease it is that makes my aunt think I want to play Candy Crush Saga.

Amazon in Japan is now offering a priest delivery service for Buddhists who don’t have a local temple. The box may look empty when it arrives, but after you gaze into it you realize the priest was inside you all along.

Mon, 10/03/16

Joke Day: #3699

From: 09/22/16
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 24/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

They’re offering the debate in virtual reality, so if you want to feel like you’re actually on stage during the debate, here’s your chance, Jeb.

Trump was actually describing himself in an interview this week and said that his strongest suit is his temperament. Although sadly, even that suit is made in China.

Singer Marilyn Manson recently said he doesn’t plan on voting, because he doesn’t like Hillary Clinton or Donald Trump. That story, again — the 2016 election: Too scary for Marilyn Manson.

A letter written by George Washington in 1786 is going on sale for $35,000. The letter is to a friend and says, “Don’t tell anyone, but I was born in Kenya.”

Fashion designer Ralph Lauren is working on an autobiography. You can buy it full price at any of his stores or just wait until it is half price in a bin at T.J. Maxx.

Conan O'Brien

The presidential debate on Monday is expected to pull in huge ratings. In fact, the whole country has “Lester Holt Fever.”

There’s a rumor that one in 10 Europeans is conceived in an Ikea bed. So people putting together Ikea furniture are at least using one tool correctly.

Media experts say Monday night’s presidential debate will have a Super Bowl-sized TV audience. Of course, the Super Bowl audience drinks for fun, but Monday’s debate audience will be drinking out of sheer terror.

Six members of the cast of “The West Wing” are going to campaign for Hillary Clinton at an event in Ohio. The move has backfired, though — now everyone in Ohio is voting for Martin Sheen.

Environmentalists are trying to get the bumblebee added to America’s endangered species list. Then they changed their minds after they were at a picnic for five minutes.

There’s a new startup in India that will deliver condoms within 30 minutes. Or as every guy calls that, “Way too late.”

Tue, 10/04/16

Joke Day: #3700

From: 09/23/16

Top of Page   Joke: 25/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

A White House email account was hacked and a lot of their information was leaked yesterday. They're saying the information was stolen from the Gmail account of a low-level staffer. Then Joe Biden was like, "Technically, my title is vice president."

Mark Zuckerberg's wife, Priscilla, says their 10-month-old daughter won't be allowed to sign up for Facebook until she's 13 because she has to follow the rules. That's so sweet that she thinks teens will still be into Facebook in 13 years.

New data finds that more Americans are bringing their own lunch to work every day. As evidenced by the inside of your break room microwave that looks like a triple homicide just took place.

It was reported today that due to his role in the Bridge-gate scandal, New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie could face impeachment. When he heard that, Christie said, "MMM, peach, mint."