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Joke of the Day

Day # Range: 3651 - 3675

Date Range: 08/03/16 ~ 08/31/16

Mon, 08/15/16

Joke Day: #3651

From: 08/03/16
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 01/25

The Late Late Show with James Corden

A Dutch man flew to China to meet a woman that he'd met on the internet, and when she didn't show up, he just waited for her in the airport for 10 days. He actually got sick and had to go to the hospital. And they treated him for exhaustion, malnutrition, and not taking a hint.

But the truth is that sometimes we find love and we make that person our girlfriend or our wife — or as Nicaraguan President Daniel Ortega did, you could make that person your running mate.

Daniel Ortega, the incumbent running for president in Nicaragua, just made his wife his vice presidential running mate. This sounds like a guy who forgot it was their anniversary. Really have to scramble for a gift.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Trump's even picking fights with fellow Republicans. He refused to endorse Arizona Sen. John McCain, refused to endorse Speaker of the House Paul Ryan, even though both endorsed him. It's like "The Real Housewives of Orange-Face County."

According to multiple reports, Donald Trump's campaign staff is becoming extremely frustrated by his behavior and his unwillingness to stay on message during the campaign. I don't blame them — who could have ever guessed he would do something like this? He's usually so low-key.

The head of the Republican National Committee, Reince Priebus, is said to be absolutely furious. They say he has not been this angry since he found out his name was Reince Priebus.

Hillary Clinton supporters had a fundraiser tonight at a cyber security convention in Las Vegas; all the proceeds will go toward teaching Hillary how to use her email account.

Tue, 08/16/16

Joke Day: #3652

From: 08/04/16
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 02/25

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Happy birthday to President Obama who turned 55 today! He made a wish and blew out the candles, but then when he opened his eyes, he was still president.

A Fox News national poll found that people prefer Hillary Clinton to Donald Trump by 10 points. While an MSNBC poll found that Hillary Clinton has already been president for two years.

Donald Trump yesterday met with RNC officials who reportedly grew so angry with Trump during the meeting that they yelled at him, “Do you realize how badly you’re screwing this up?” Said Trump, “The best? I’m screwing it up the best, right?”

The Olympic torch arrived in Rio today in preparation for Friday's opening ceremony. And the cool thing about Rio is, if the torch runs out of fuel you can just dip it in the ocean and it’ll reignite.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

It looks like all the controversies are taking their toll, with reports that Trump's campaign staff feel like they are wasting their time and that Trump's staff is suicidal. They'd jump off the building, but they're afraid they'd see the word "Trump" on the way down.

Trump and his party raised $82 million last month, much of it from small donations, with supporters pitching in $10 to $25 apiece. And they can feel good knowing that every dollar will help Donald Trump reach his ultimate goal — attack ads against Paul Ryan.

A CNN reporter spoke to one of Trump's donors, who said, "Unfortunately, I set up a recurring political contribution on Donald Trump's website, and there's no place on the website to stop the recurring payment." Oops! Supporting Trump is like joining a gym, only it's democracy that isn't working out.

Wed, 08/17/16

Joke Day: #3653

From: 08/04/16
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 03/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Tomorrow night is the official start of the Rio Summer Olympics, which is when the entire world will come together for one reason: making fun of the outfits athletes wear at the opening ceremonies.

The golf tournament at the Rio Olympics will be played on a course that is apparently infested with 150-pound rodents. The official said, “Don't worry, the giant snakes will eat them. So don't worry about them. Golf away, enjoy yourself.”

The Danish government donated a giant Lego model of Rio for the games — and this is very interesting, the Lego buildings are slightly safer than the actual buildings at the Olympics.

A new survey finds that Hillary Clinton has more support in the marijuana industry than Donald Trump. Or in other words, Hillary Clinton will definitely win the vote of people who won't remember to vote.

I saw that Nicaraguan President Daniel Ortega has picked his wife to run as his vice presidential candidate. Then Bill and Hillary looked at each other for a second and went, "Nah, nah."

The Late Late Show with James Corden

Apparently, the conditions in Rio are so bad that the U.S. basketball team has opted against staying in the Olympic village dorms, and is instead staying on a cruise ship that they've docked in the harbor. Now, I understand not wanting to stay in the Olympic village, but why would you switch to a cruise ship? You basically traded a diarrhea city for a floating diarrhea city.

With the basketball players not being in the Olympic village, it means they're going to miss out on all the sex. Because I don't know if you've heard this but the Olympic committee announced they'll be handing out 350,000 condoms and 175,000 packets of lube. Or as Brazilians call that, "A weekend."

But in the athletes' defense, the accommodations in Rio are so bad, the cleanest place to sleep is on top of another person.

According to a new study, millennials are having significantly less sex than previous generations. I know, like, wait, you're telling me that the people running around trying to catch Pokémon aren't getting [any action]? Shocking! I'm shocked.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

You know, there have been major electrical and plumbing issues in Rio. One athlete from Kenya wrote, "Please fix my toilet" on a bulletin board in the Olympic village. And you know, when someone who lives in Kenya's complaining about your plumbing, I think that's what they refer to as a wake-up call.

Sanitation is a big problem right now. The Olympic village is giving away thousands of condoms for the athletes to wear over their heads for the swimming events.

Surfing and skateboarding will make history for the Olympics in 2020, in that these will be the first sports in which athletes will be tested to make sure they are doping.

I want to wish a happy birthday to President Obama, who turned 55 today. Big celebration at the White House. The White House staff sang to him. Then the president blew out the candles on his vegan, whole-grain, carrot prune loaf.

Donald Trump also offered birthday wishes on Twitter this week. He wrote, "President Obama will go down as perhaps the worst president in the history of the United States." It's sweet, though, because he said "perhaps," and he wouldn't do that on any other day.

You know if Trump becomes president, he's definitely going to make his birthday a national holiday, right? "Sorry, Lincoln, you're a loser and you are out."

Our friends in North Korea are said to be working on a big new project. Sometime in the next 10 years North Korea is hoping to plant a flag on the moon. And by that they mean they're looking for someone who can Photoshop a picture of their flag on the moon.

Thu, 08/18/16

Joke Day: #3654

From: 08/18/16

Top of Page   Joke: 04/25

Gallagher - Prop Comic

Fri, 08/19/16

Joke Day: #3655

From: 08/18/16

Top of Page   Joke: 05/25

Gallagher - Mad as Hell

Sat, 08/20/16

Joke Day: #3656

From: 08/19/16

Top of Page   Joke: 06/25

Gallagher - Gun Problem

Sun, 08/21/16

Joke Day: #3657

From: 08/20/16

Top of Page   Joke: 07/25

Gallagher - Smoking

Mon, 08/22/16

Joke Day: #3658

From: 08/22/16

Top of Page   Joke: 08/25

Gallagher - Hair

Tue, 08/23/16

Joke Day: #3659

From: 08/23/16

Top of Page   Joke: 09/25

Gallagher - Sledge-O-Matic (Over Your Head)

Wed, 08/24/16

Joke Day: #3660

From: 08/24/16

Top of Page   Joke: 10/25


Gallagher - Sledge-O-Matic (Bookkeeper)

Thu, 08/25/16

Joke Day: #3661

From: 08/22/16
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 11/25

The Late Late Show with James Corden

A big part of every closing ceremony focuses on where the next Olympics are going to take place. Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe promoted the 2020 Tokyo Olympics by dressing up as Super Mario. Forget Mario, after watching that I felt like I was the one who had been on mushrooms all day.

If I had told you last week that the Japanese prime minister was going to attend the closing ceremony with an intro that featured Hello Kitty and Super Mario, I definitely would have been called a racist.

The prime minister of Japan coming out of a pipe like Super Mario . . . This would be like if the Australian prime minister was carried on stage in the pouch of a kangaroo, and then said “G’day mates” and threw a boomerang.

A man in New Jersey passed away on Tuesday and it became clear that he was cheating on his wife when two obituaries, one by his spouse and the other by his girlfriend, appeared in the local paper, one above the other. I don't know what he died from, but I'm guessing it was from exhaustion.

One obituary names him as Leroy Bill Black while the other names him as Leroy Blast Black. I will let you figure out whether it was the wife or the girlfriend who called him Blast.

After being criticized on the MSNBC’s “Morning Joe” program, Donald Trump took to Twitter to attack hosts Joe Scarborough and Mika Brzezinski, alleging that they are having an affair. Trump tweeted, “Someday when things calm down I will tell the real story of Joe and his very insecure girlfriend Mika. Two clowns.”

Trump is reporting celebrity gossip. Like he is like half running to be “Prez” and half running to be Perez Hilton.

Also he says “when things calm down.” You're running for president; assuming you win, things are never going to calm down. Trump thinks it's going to be all right, he’s like, “Now that I have taken Iran, the debt crisis and ISIS, I can really blow this Joe Scarborough thing wide open. “

Late Night With Seth Meyers

The Olympics wrapped up over the weekend with the United States coming out on top in all medal counts. The U.S. brought home 46 gold medals, 37 silver, and four idiots.

That's right. Speedo has revoked their sponsorship of swimmer Ryan Lochte, and according to him, they did it at gunpoint.

Donald Trump's new campaign manager Kellyanne Conway yesterday told interviewers that she does not believe Trump hurls personal insults. She said, “Trump, you tell them, stupid.”

President Obama and the first family returned Sunday from their summer vacation in Martha's Vineyard only to find the locks had been changed.

Police in Australia are searching for a group of men seen releasing live crocodiles into a school building. Though, if you ask me, they should probably be searching for the crocodiles.

A man in Texas last week rode his horse into a Taco Bell restaurant — but, weirdly, he left alone.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

America just dominated the 2016 Olympics! That's right, we killed it. We got 121 medals! And I'm not surprised. I watched the Games here in the States — can't remember the channel — and from what I saw, apparently only Americans competed.

Americans, and Usain Bolt. Of course, he's an honorary American, because Jamaica is basically tropical Colorado.

And the majority of those American medals were won by female athletes. So, boys, next time somebody on the playground says you throw like a girl, say "Thank you."

You stopped at a gas station for a pee break? C'mon, you're Olympic swimmers, you spend 90 percent of your lives in public pools. That's what the chlorine's for.

Today, Lochte lost all four of his sponsors, including Speedo. And that's got to hurt, because they've been his biggest supporter — well, not biggest, but crucial.

Fri, 08/26/16

Joke Day: #3662

From: 08/22/16
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 12/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Congratulations to Team USA for winning over 100 medals! The most of any country, and my condolences to everyone who is behind them at airport security.

Donald Trump's campaign chairman Paul Manafort was forced to resign on Friday following news that he had pro-Russian ties. Which really upset Trump, because he insists having all his ties made in China.

There are life-sized nude statues of Donald Trump. They showed up in cities across the country. You'd be walking in the park, and you see this statue [shows images]. Forget building the wall, Trump should just put a bunch of those things at the border.

The New York City Parks Department actually released a statement on the naked Trump statue after they took it down. This is completely real — they said, "New York City Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small."

Conan O'Brien

In an interview with NBC’s Matt Lauer over the weekend, Ryan Lochte apologized for his "immature behavior." I don’t know if Lochte meant it, because he answered Lauer’s next question by responding, "Homo says what?"

The Olympics closing ceremony was held in Rio last night. There was an emotional moment at the end when they extinguished the Olympic torch by having Ryan Lochte urinate on it.

Scientists have discovered a painkiller that will not cause addiction. When asked for details about this miracle drug, scientists said, "OK, OK, it’s pot."

Donald Trump has been saying that Hillary Clinton looks unwell. Trump then admitted he thinks any woman over 35 looks like she’s dying.

This weekend, Donald Trump tried to win over black voters by asking them, "What the hell do you have to lose?" Coincidentally, that’s also the way he proposed to all three of his wives.

No one was hurt, everyone’s fine, but over the weekend, Leonardo DiCaprio and his model girlfriend were in a fender bender. DiCaprio and his girlfriend are being listed in highly doable condition.

McDonald’s has decided to remove fitness trackers from their Happy Meals. Apparently, many customers thought McDonald’s was just making fun of them.

KFC has come out with a sunscreen that makes you smell like fried chicken. Of course if you want to smell like KFC, you could just ride around in any single guy’s car.

Last week, Twitter introduced a "quality filter" that gets rid of tweets that contain spam, mean, or unwanted content. An hour later, Twitter filed for bankruptcy.

Sat, 08/27/16

Joke Day: #3663

From: 08/23/16
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 13/25

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Donald Trump yesterday continued his attempts to appeal to black voters, telling attendees at a rally, “What the hell do you have to lose? Give me a chance!” Said black voters, “We’re not at this rally.”

The Trump campaign recently announced that Donald Trump will be delaying his major address on immigration that was originally scheduled to take place on Thursday. So if you want to know where Trump stands on immigration, you’ll just have to wait until a year ago.

Marvel announced today that it will be launching a female reboot of Iron Man, starring a character named Ironheart. So, congratulations to my ex-girlfriend.

Next week, former NFL quarterback Tim Tebow will hold a workout in Los Angeles to try and impress scouts from Major League Baseball. Pretty ambitious for a guy who’s never even gotten to second base.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

Donald Trump is accusing Hillary Clinton of being too ill, too frail to be commander in chief. Rudy Giuliani made a suggestion to go online and look up "Hillary Clinton illness" – if it's on the internet, you know it must be true.

I put my symptoms into WebMD and found out I've started menopause.

Conspiracy theorists have cooked up just about every condition for her. Brain damage? Check. Parkinson's? Check. Autism? Yup. Even syphilis.

Sun, 08/28/16

Joke Day: #3664

From: 08/23/16
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 14/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

It was just announced that two-time Olympian Gabby Douglas will be on the panel of judges at the 2017 Miss America Competition. So good luck impressing her in the talent portion. “Nice baton twirling, but can you do a triple back-flip with a twist?”

Apparently Ryan Lochte lost all four of his endorsement deals yesterday following his Rio robbery scandal. In fact he’s so desperate for money, he’s actually considering robbing a gas station.

Ryan Lochte lost all his business deals in just one day. Even Trump was like, “It took me months to do that!”

A 12-year-old boy is actually running one of Trump’s campaign offices in Colorado. When asked how an inexperienced child could be running things, the boy said, “Look, he’s the nominee and we’re stuck with him.”

KFC just unveiled a sunscreen that smells like extra crispy fried chicken. So if you want to smell like KFC ... there’s a pretty good chance you already do.

Conan O'Brien

Melania Trump is planning to sue a British newspaper for defamation. Apparently, the paper called her "happily married."

Four sponsors have now dropped Olympic swimmer Ryan Lochte. On the bright side, he just signed a huge deal with Bob’s Urinal Cakes.

The GOP has already started making a strategy around the assumption that Hillary Clinton will win the presidency. Which may explain the Republican Party's new slogan: "Winter Is Coming."

An ex-NFL quarterback was arrested after being found naked with meth and marijuana. In other words, he’s back in the NFL.

KFC has released sunscreen that smells like fried chicken. People who’ve tried it say it prevents you from getting cancer and from having sex.

The Late Late Show with James Corden

In a new election bombshell, the State Department has been ordered by a federal judge to produce nearly 15,000 of Hillary Clinton's unreleased emails. I don't want to say Hillary is worried about this story blowing up, but today she asked Ryan Lochte to make up another robbery.

Journalists have tried contacting Hillary about this damaging email development. Unfortunately, they keep getting auto-replies that say "Sorry, I am out of the Oval Office until January."

In other Clinton news, her campaign manager, Robby Mook, said in an interview on CNN that they are having a hard time finding someone as "hateful" and "divisive" as Trump to go up against Hillary in her practice debates. It seems like it'd be easy to prep for a Trump debate — just get a parrot and train it to say three things: "email," "wall," and "huge."

Mon, 08/29/16

Joke Day: #3665

From: 08/24/16
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 15/25

Jimmy Kimmel Live

At first Donald Trump came out with guns blazing, said he's going to kick all the Mexicans out, he's going to build a wall to keep them from coming back in. Last night during a town hall on Fox News he said he could be softening, which is normal, it happens to a lot of men his age.

He's now agreed to give immigrants a 30-minute head start before he tries to catch them with a net.

Not only is he reaching out to the Hispanic vote, he's been reaching out to the black community. Donald Trump said he loves African-Americans, in fact some of his best credit cards are black.

In California, the state senate yesterday rejected a bill that would abolish daylight saving time. Some lawmakers want to get rid of it because they can't figure out how to program their microwaves and they've had enough.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

A new poll released today shows Hillary Clinton is 9 points ahead of Donald Trump in New Mexico. And 100 points ahead in Old Mexico.

Hillary Clinton held fundraisers today in Silicon Valley. Said Hillary, “It’s so great to be back here in the town where I was built.”

A new report has found that Donald Trump may have used some of his campaign funds to buy thousands of copies of his own book. Oh my God, that’s what he’s gonna use to build the wall!

Ryan Lochte is reportedly in talks to join the cast of “Dancing with the Stars.” Wow, I knew he was in legal trouble, but I didn’t know we were already at the sentencing phase.

Tue, 08/30/16

Joke Day: #3666

From: 08/24/16
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 16/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

After more than a year of promising mass deportations of undocumented immigrants, last night Donald Trump actually referred to them as “great people.” Even Ryan Lochte was like, “Get your story straight, man!”

Melania Trump is getting ready to sue the British newspaper the Daily Mail for writing that she once worked as an escort. Yep, Melania says she strongly denies the accusation that she has ever worked.

“Bachelorette” winner Jordan Rodgers has started working as a TV commentator for college football. When asked who he thinks will win a big game, he’s the only analyst who goes, “This is tough, I’m in love with both teams ... I’m gonna have to go with Miami.”

Jennifer Lawrence was just named the world’s highest paid actress, bringing in $46 million last year before taxes. Yep, she narrowly beat out the world’s second highest paid actress: Hillary Clinton.

Conan O'Brien

The Trump campaign said pollsters aren’t counting people who are afraid to say they’re Trump supporters. That’s right, because Trump supporters are very, very shy.

NASA announced they have re-established contact with a spacecraft that had been missing for two years. The spacecraft went missing again when it was told who the Republican nominee is.

It’s been reported that after winning three gold medals in Rio, Usain Bolt was caught cheating on his girlfriend. More impressive, he was also found with another woman just 14 seconds later.

According to Hillary Clinton’s newly-released medical records, she suffers from seasonal allergies. But she just takes some Benadryl and they’re all deleted.

Experts say Hillary Clinton’s campaign strategy is to ignore the controversies, and just run out the clock. By the way, that also happens to be Hillary Clinton’s marital strategy.

Wed, 08/31/16

Joke Day: #3667

From: 08/25/16
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 17/25

The Late Late Show with James Corden

There are rumors that Olympic swimmer Ryan Lochte has signed a deal to appear on the next season of "Dancing with the Stars." It'll be nice for Lochte to have three people judging him instead of the whole country.

It's not official yet, it is just a rumor that Ryan Lochte is joining "Dancing with the Stars" — but you know it's true because it didn't come from Ryan Lochte.

Astronomers at NASA are saying that they discovered a new Earth-like planet that's only 4.2 light years away. I know, I reacted the exact same way as you did. I don't know how far that is either.

A new Earth-like planet has been discovered a few months before an election where Donald Trump could be president. If that's not perfect timing, I don't know what is.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Hillary Clinton cited an old Mexican proverb in her speech in Nevada today to highlight the unchanging nature of Donald Trump. A Mexican proverb, or as Trump calls it, "A spell!"

Hillary Clinton had a phone interview with CNN's Anderson Cooper last night — and she HAD to do it by phone, because nobody could possibly lie to that face.

Donald Trump's running mate Mike Pence tweeted six pictures of himself stopping to get a burger in North Carolina yesterday. Chris Christie was like, "OK, now he's just rubbing it in.”

A new study has found that the more selfless a person is, the more sex they tend to have — so play on, player.

"The View" this week celebrated its 20th anniversary, although that might not be factually correct, because I heard it on "The View."

A man in Ireland has created a working Batman outfit with 23 different features. So now you've just got to kick back and wait for somebody to murder his parents.

Thu, 09/01/16

Joke Day: #3668

From: 08/25/16
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 18/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Politico is now reporting that Hillary Clinton's campaign is using a run-out-the-clock strategy against Donald Trump, hoping to just outlast him until November. "Sounds like a good plan," said Ted Cruz, Marco Rubio, Jeb Bush, and John Kasich.

Trump will be the first president to make decisions by playing “Hot or Not” with world leaders. Like, "Angela Merkel, not hot. Vladimir Putin, very hot."

The Boston Globe just reported that according to his campaign staff, Donald Trump wouldn't take any vacations as president. I think that's because he has offended so many other countries he can't leave this one.

Astronaut Jeffrey Williams just set the U.S. record for most days in space, reaching the milestone of 521 days. It's less of an accomplishment after NASA admitted they sort of forgot he was up there.

Conan O'Brien

On Saturday, Hillary Clinton will receive her first official intelligence briefing as a candidate. Officials plan to tell Hillary about threats to U.S. cybersecurity such as Russia, China, and her.

It’s been reported that the biggest currency in prison now is not cigarettes, but ramen. Just make sure to clarify the next time your cellmate asks to hold your noodle package.

The leader of England's Brexit movement spoke at a Trump rally and he said, "I wouldn't vote for Clinton if you paid me." So in other words, Hillary has lost the critical "People Who Live in England" vote.

Donald Trump’s campaign is now saying he didn’t change his immigration plan, he just changed the words he used to describe it. They also said Trump hasn’t been married three times, he’s just changed the person he calls "wife."

After lying to Rio police, Ryan Lochte has been summoned to Rio to testify. In accordance with the Brazilian Constitution, he has the right to a fair and Speedo trial.

This weekend, after winning three gold medals in Rio, Jamaican sprinter Usain Bolt was caught cheating on his girlfriend. Here's how fast Bolt is: The woman he slept with last weekend is already four months pregnant.

Fri, 09/02/16

Joke Day: #3669

From: 08/26/16

Top of Page   Joke: 19/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

A producer for the VMA’s says that apparently Rihanna is going to deliver a “holy crap moment.” Donald Trump was like, “Who cares? Try doing that twice a day, every day.”

The Washington Post published an entire biography of Donald Trump that’s 431 pages long. Trump said it’s a little longer than the books he likes to read, by about 431 pages.

The Trump biography also reveals that he doesn’t have a computer at his desk in Trump Tower. Instead, every five minutes he just shouts at his secretary, “Barbara! Google me!”

Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt celebrated their second wedding anniversary this week. They said it was a small celebration, just them and their immediate army — I mean family.

New research found that young people actually have higher stress and anxiety than older people. It’s mainly due to the older person in front of them trying to pay for a TV with dimes.

There’s a new report that says that the sales of canned wine are on the rise. Finally, people that drink boxed wines have someone to look down on.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

Mylan, the company that produces these EpiPens, have jacked up the price of these pens for less than $100 for a pair, to over $600. That price is enough to send you into shock, but don't do it because you can't afford the pen anymore.

Now, to be clear, that value is saving the lives of people who can't breathe. Or as Mylan likes to call them, "Gasping, cash-filled meat sacks."

After starting a firestorm, Mylan's CEO Heather Bresch came forward to address the criticism. She said, “Look, no one's more frustrated than me.” She's frustrated! I mean, the tone-deafness of that just takes your breath away and getting your breath back will cost you over $600.

The FBI is investigating whether Russian intelligence agencies have hacked the computers at The New York Times, or as the Times reported it, "Putin named world's sexiest leader."

McDonald's recalled the wristbands after they left people with burns and blisters — which, technically, is the job of their apple pie filling.

Sat, 09/03/16

Joke Day: #3670

From: 08/29/16
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 20/25

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Donald Trump's doctor, Harold Bornstein, has been making the rounds to defend his unusually effusive report on the candidate's health . . . He wrote, "If elected, Mr. Trump, I can state unequivocally, will be the healthiest individual ever elected to the presidency." I guess that means he did physicals on Obama and Reagan and Lincoln, too.

Dr. Bornstein now says he wrote the letter in five minutes and used hyperbole because being rushed makes him anxious. So, well, he should see a doctor about that.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Donald Trump's campaign manager, Kellyanne Conway, spoke about Trump's new immigration policy over the weekend, and said he will ensure that enforcement is humane. Humane? I don't think it's a good sign when a candidate is talking about undocumented immigrants the same way KFC talks about chickens.

Hillary Clinton has begun pledging $30 billion over the next decade to retrain coal miners to be able to work in newer technology businesses, so get ready for an interesting trip to the Apple Store.

A restaurant in Manhattan has created a $15, 25-ounce milk shake, which comes in a cream cheese frosted glass covered in marshmallows and cereal, filled with ice cream and topped with a cinnamon bun. At least that's what it said on the toxicology report.

Apple next week is expected to unveil the iPhone 7. "How's the camera?" asked Anthony Weiner.

Sun, 09/04/16

Joke Day: #3671

From: 08/29/16
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 21/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Donald Trump is trying to turn his poll numbers around and recently told his supporters that if he's elected, the White House will become the people's house. He was like, "Because I ain't living in that dump. I'm going to get a mansion down the street and I'll check in every other week."

The CEO of Wendy's says the election is hurting the chain's burger sales — people are spending less because they are worried about the future. Let's be honest here, if you're eating a Wendy's Baconator, you're probably not too concerned about the future.

Anthony Weiner is back in the news with another sexting scandal. He's like the Michael Phelps of sexting. He keeps saying he's going to retire, but every four years he's back.

Kim Jong Un reportedly threw a huge outdoor dance party on Thursday to celebrate the successful test of North Korea's ballistic missile. Residents described the party as fun, exciting, and mandatory.

Conan O'Brien

Today, Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg met with Pope Francis at the Vatican. The first thing the Pope told him was "Get these goddamn baby pics off of my feed."

At last night’s VMAs, Beyoncé's album "Lemonade," about her husband’s cheating, won seven awards. So the favorite to sweep the VMAs next year is Huma Abedin.

Beyoncé won Best Pop Video, Best Female Video, Best Choreography, Breakthrough Longform Video, Best Direction, Cinematography, Editing, and Video of the Year. Just for the hell of it, they threw in the Nobel Prize in Economics.

A developer in New York wants to build an IHOP on top of a Revolutionary War cemetery. IHOP's CEO said, "It makes sense, we've killed more Americans than the British ever did."

A 25-year-old has scammed over $1 million from Trump supporters. It’s being called "the first time in years that the Trump name has actually made someone money."

Donald Trump is challenging Hillary Clinton to release "detailed medical records." This marks the first time Trump's ever been interested in the body of a woman over 40.

Mon, 09/05/16

Joke Day: #3672

From: 08/30/16
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 22/25

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Hillary Clinton spoke yesterday about her preparation for the upcoming presidential debate, and told reporters, quote, “I do not know which Donald Trump will show up.” Yes — will it be the kind, generous and intelligent Donald Trump, or will it be the one who exists?

Trump campaign manager Kellyanne Conway said in an interview today that Donald Trump’s focus on a border wall is because “a wall is something very easy for people to understand.” Whereas tax returns, super complicated.

An African-American pastor who is a prominent Trump campaign surrogate tweeted out a cartoon of Hillary Clinton in blackface yesterday and accused her of pandering to black voters. Clinton responded calling the accusations, quote, “untrue” and “wack as hell, dawg.”

Papa John’s has announced it will be coming out with an app for Apple TV that will allow customers to order pizza from their screen. You get a soda, breadsticks, and a large pizza when you say “Siri, how will I die?”

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

The first presidential debate is now less than one month away and apparently the candidates have two very different ways of preparing. Hillary Clinton pores over briefing books, thick with policy arcana and opposition research.

Meanwhile, Donald Trump is all about spectacle. One former aide said “Trump wants to be a showstopper in the Roman coliseum, the main event at WrestleMania.” Which makes sense since just like pro wrestling, you look at Trump’s campaign and say “That’s got to be fake!”

Mrs. Palin just posted on Facebook that she tripped and fell while doing something called “Rock-running.” Not sure what rock-running is, but I think it’s when you jog while playing air guitar.

Palin fell and hit her head on a rock. Don’t worry, she’s OK or, you know, the same.

Trump is planning a major immigration policy speech Wednesday in Arizona. Now, he was originally supposed to give it last Thursday in Colorado, so it moved later and further south. If he delays it again, it’s Monday at the Panama Canal.

Tue, 09/06/16

Joke Day: #3673

From: 08/30/16
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 23/25

The Late Late Show with James Corden

It was reported this week that scientists from the Search for Extraterrestrial Intelligence or SETI have detected a signal from a distant star, and they think it could be proof of alien life. Scientists say this could be the sign of a highly advanced alien civilization. While the aliens say, “We attack at dawn.”

Today “Dancing with the Stars” has revealed the cast for its upcoming 23rd season. If you’re not familiar with “Dancing with the Stars,” it’s basically “Game of Thrones” for your mom.

Former Texas governor and presidential candidate Rick Perry is a contestant. Perry is very publicly opposed to gay marriage. So, if you’re wondering who’s going to have the worst hair and makeup on the show, you’ve got your answer.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

On September 26th Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton will face off in a debate at Hofstra University. The Clinton campaign is using psychology experts to create a personality profile of Trump to figure out what his approach might be. I don’t know, are they preparing for a debate or trying to catch the Zodiac Killer?

Hillary Clinton said, “I’m not taking anything for granted, I don’t know which Donald Trump will show up.” She’s right, it could be the Donald Trump we see on cable news, could be the Donald Trump we see at these rallies, it could be Donald Trump Jr. … technically still a Donald Trump.

According to a new poll, 54 percent of Republican voters don’t believe Trump was the best choice to be their party’s nominee for president, they wished they’d picked someone else. Kind of like when you go to buy a shirt. You see all these shirts, plain patterns, regular shirts. They look OK but not exciting. Then tucked in the middle of all these plain shirts, you see this totally awesome shirt. It’s bold. It’s different. It doesn’t play by the other shirts’ rules. You buy it, you get home, you try the shirt on, you look at yourself in the mirror and then your wife walks in and says, “What the hell are you wearing?”

Wed, 09/07/16

Joke Day: #3674

From: 08/30/16
(**Part 3**)

Top of Page   Joke: 24/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Anthony Weiner’s wife, Huma Abedin, has decided to finally separate from him after his latest sexting scandal. So ladies: He’s single!

Donald Trump weighed in on this, saying that our national security may have been compromised by the scandal because Weiner’s wife had access to Hillary’s security briefs. I wouldn’t worry though, ’cuz Weiner’s only sharing the stuff that’s in his own briefs.

Pope Francis met with Mark Zuckerberg yesterday at the Vatican, and it was revealed that the Pope doesn’t actually have an official Facebook account. In other words, he wants to connect with millions of Catholics worldwide, just not the ones he went to high school with.

Zuckerberg actually gave the Pope a drone. The Pope was like, “You mean it hovers above us and sees everything? Yeah, I’ve already got one of those. It’s called God.”

Queen Elizabeth is advertising for a housekeeping assistant to live and work in Buckingham Palace. The job would require dusting all the palace antiques — like chandeliers, vases, and Queen Elizabeth.

Conan O'Brien

On Sunday in California, several dozen Latinos held a rally for Donald Trump. They were a group calling themselves “Latinos Who Don’t Really Follow the News.”

Both candidates are practicing for the debates, and according to insiders, Hillary Clinton is still trying to find a stand-in for Donald Trump. So far the best she’s come up with is a car alarm stuffed inside a rotting pumpkin.

This November, Californians get to vote on whether or not to legalize recreational marijuana. They can either forget to vote in person, or forget to vote by mail.

At a track meet last weekend, a 100-year-old woman won a gold medal in her age group in the 100-meter dash. Her opponents dropped out of the race in 1987.

Ryan Lochte and former Gov. Rick Perry will appear on this season’s “Dancing with the Stars.” The theme of this season is “Dumb.”

Arizona and Florida are holding primaries today. Arizonans are voting for either John McCain or Kelli Ward, while Floridians are voting for either bath salts or meth.

Thu, 09/08/16

Joke Day: #3675

From: 08/31/16
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 25/25

The Late Late Show with James Corden

Today Donald Trump made a last-minute trip to Mexico to meet with Mexican President Enrique Peña Nieto — and you just know that as soon as Trump crossed into Mexico, even Hillary Clinton was like, “OK, let's get cracking on that wall.”

The Mexican president is saying that he told Trump that Mexico would not pay for the wall, while Trump says they never discussed who would pay for it. In Trump's defense, who has ever gone down to Mexico and remembered what they did?

If you're feeling frustrated with Trump's Mexico antics and you're not quite sold on Hillary Clinton, luckily there's another presidential candidate who has been making her voice heard and that's Green Party candidate Jill Stein. If you don't know who Jill Stein is, just picture Bernie Sanders, and now picture the woman in the back of his rally selling dream catchers.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Donald Trump traveled to Mexico today to meet with President Enrique Peña Nieto. Said Trump, “Wow, this place has more illegal immigrants than we do.”

Donald Trump and Mexican president Enrique Peña Nieto held a joint press conference where Trump said the two did discuss his proposed border wall but did not address payment for its construction. Said Trump, “You know me, I don't like to talk about money.”

The first commercial flight between Cuba and the United States in more than 50 years took off from Florida today — but it was a JetBlue flight so it connected through Denver, Chicago, Seattle, and Des Moines.

During a standoff yesterday, outside his home, singer Chris Brown reportedly threw a duffel bag out his window containing weapons and drugs later recovered by the police. I guess the VMA gift bags were pretty crazy this year.