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Joke of the Day

Day # Range: 3626 - 3650

Date Range: 07/14/16 - 08/04/16

Thu, 07/21/16

Joke Day: #3626

From: 07/14/16
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 01/25

Late Night With Seth Meyers

A new report says that former Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice recently rejected an offer from Donald Trump to be his running mate. When Trump's people asked why she rejected the offer, she said, "For the last time, I'm Whoopi Goldberg."

Newt Gingrich praised Donald Trump in a new interview and said he's like a figure out of a movie. Yeah, he's the monkey from "Outbreak."

A new survey shows that Donald Trump is polling at zero percent among black voters in Ohio and Pennsylvania. I don't know. That seems a little high.

Today was National Hotdog Day and to celebrate, Donald Trump spent a few hours on the rollers at 7-Eleven to work on his color.

Planned Parenthood has unveiled a new Pokémon character of their own design which promotes safe sex and is shaped like an unrolled condom. Of course, it only works if you haven't already caught them all.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

The latest polls show that Hillary Clinton is tied with Donald Trump. Ever since the damning FBI report about Hillary Clinton's private email servers came out, her poll numbers have not looked good. Though the truth is she may have much better numbers hidden on her private server. We don't know.

In the key swing states of Ohio and Pennsylvania Trump is currently getting zero percent support from black voters. Obviously every poll has a margin of error, so it can actually be negative 3 percent.

CBS News has learned that Donald Trump has chosen Indiana Gov. Mike Pence. Now, it turns out when the story that Trump picked him was being reported, Trump hadn't called Mike Pence yet. So Mike, if you are watching, “Surprise!”

Fri, 07/22/16

Joke Day: #3627

From: 07/14/16
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 02/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Donald Trump is expected to officially announce his running mate at an event tomorrow and all week reports said it was down to three finalists: Mike Pence, Chris Christie, or those two candidates combined, Newt Gingrich.

Former quarterback Tim Tebow is scheduled to speak at next week's Republican Convention. Trump was even going to have Tebow throw his signature hats into the crowd, but he wasn't sure they'd make it.

New documents reveal that when Vincent Van Gogh cut off his ear, the woman he sent it to was a cleaner, not a prostitute as previously thought. You know, because otherwise it would have been weird.

We are just a few weeks from the start of the Summer Olympics in Rio de Janeiro. The mayor of Rio is trying to get Pokémon Go in the city ahead of the Summer Games. So now you can go to Rio and catch two things.

Conan O'Brien

The guy is going to be OK, but in California, a man playing Pokémon Go was stabbed. The man said, "It was terrifying, my lack of a life flashed before my eyes."

A new study claims regular sex can help people stay slim. Heads up guys, women do not like the pickup line, "How’d you like to lose some weight tonight?"

Donald Trump said he wishes he had the time to play Pokémon Go. When she heard that, Hillary Clinton said, "Oh, you will."

The mayor of Rio is pleading with Nintendo to release Pokémon Go in Brazil just in time for the Olympics. He’s even introduced Rio’s own Pokémon character, "Zikachu."

According to a poll that just came out, Donald Trump is getting zero percent of the black vote in some states. Trump said, "Don’t worry, by the time the election comes around I will double that.”

Britain has a new foreign secretary, and the new foreign secretary once likened Hillary Clinton to a "sadistic nurse." After hearing this, Bill Clinton said, "Man, I wish."

Sat, 07/23/16

Joke Day: #3628

From: 07/15/16

Top of Page   Joke: 03/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

I want to thank everyone for taking a break from Pokémon to tune in tonight. It's just everywhere. In fact it's been reported now that Pokémon is getting ready to launch in Russia, and President Vladimir Putin looks like he's already having a good time with it, “Tell me where your friends are Pikachu.”

Meanwhile, Donald Trump said yesterday that he has not played Pokémon, but wishes he had ther time to try it out. Meanwhile, Jeb Bush is walking around his neighborhood in Bergen stocks going, “I just got to level 20!”

Yesterday members of Congress left Washington for a seven-week vacation. Even the Kardashians are like, “From what?”

Now that Congress is on vacation, we're just weeks away from the awkward moment when Mitch McConnell comes back from Jamaica with his hair braided. “McConnell’s got his groove back, y'all!”

A 94-year-old man from Indiana just became the oldest person to get a six degree black belt in taekwondo. While nobody has the heart to tell him the wooden board he chopped through was just a graham cracker.

Sun, 07/24/16

Joke Day: #3629

From: 07/18/16
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 04/25

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Quicken Loans Arena, home to the NBA champion Cleveland Cavaliers, is hosting the Republican Convention this week. And just like the Cavs’ starting lineup, the convention is expected to have four black people.

After Jeb Bush’s decision not to attend this week’s Republican National Convention, former House Speaker Newt Gingrich called him a “bad loser.” Said Jeb, “Actually I’m a great loser! I do it all the time! It’s what I’m best at!”

Donald Trump’s campaign manager Paul Manafort told reporters that, quote, “Once Donald Trump is accepted by the American people as someone who can be president, the race will be over with.” By which I assume he meant the human race.

Bernie Sanders is scheduled speak on the first night of next week’s Democratic National Convention. Leave it to Bernie to grab the early bird special.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

You may not know this but you're not supposed to see the candidate before the nomination, let alone on the first night. That's like the bride not only being seen on her wedding day but jumping out of the cake at the bachelor party.

There was drama this afternoon as the Stop Trump Movement tried to change the rules so they wouldn't be forced to vote for Trump on the first ballot, and when that was unsuccessful, the delegates from Colorado just walked out. And look at what time the Colorado delegates walked out — 4:20, my friends! This is the perfect time to walk out. They might not have been mad. They might have been a little snacky.

Last night Trump and Pence gave their first joint interview on "60 Minutes" — of course, the same amount of time Trump spent learning about Mike Pence before choosing him.

Mon, 07/25/16

Joke Day: #3630

From: 07/18/16
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 05/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

The Republican National Convention started today — and we’re now just a week away from the Democratic Convention. Both have an important case to make: Who would be better at creating peace between Kim Kardashian and Taylor Swift?

The Republican National Convention started today and Donald Trump spent the past several days preparing his acceptance speech, while Chris Christie spent the past two weeks blowing up balloons.

Last night, Trump and Mike Pence actually sat down for a joint interview on “60 Minutes." And Pence said that if he has differences with Donald Trump, he would, quote, “walk into the president's office, close the door, and share my heart." Even the guys on “The Bachelorette” were like, “GROSS!"

Over on the Democratic side, Bernie Sanders gave a 23-minute speech at a conference last week after he endorsed Hillary Clinton, but he didn’t mention her by name. Though people had a pretty good idea who he was referring to when he mentioned “Moneybags McPantsuit.”

The Late Late Show with James Corden

After what seems like nine years, tonight is finally the first night of the Republican National Convention and they are bringing out the big guns. So be careful — they're Republicans.

Donald Trump has selected mega-star Scott Baio to speak at the convention. I will give you a minute to Google who that is. To tell you how irrelevant Scott Baio is, I had to have his name phonetically spelled in the teleprompter because it looks like "by-o."

Jimmy Kimmel Live

The only thing more confusing than Pokémon Go is the Republican National Convention, which is under way in Cleveland. They say there haven't been this many white people at the Quicken Loans Arena since the night they double-booked Jimmy Buffett and Kenny G.

A number of key Republicans are skipping the convention. Jeb Bush, instead of traveling to Cleveland, spent the night home crying.

Apparently Trump was unsure about the guy he was choosing for vice president all the way down to the wire. They say he wanted to dump Gov. Mike Pence at midnight the night before the announcement — which would have made him a Pence dispenser.

Tue, 07/26/16

Joke Day: #3631

From: 07/19/16
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 06/25

From

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Melania Trump is being accused of plagiarism because paragraphs of her speech last night closely mirror Michelle Obama's speech at the 2008 Democratic convention. Said Melania, "That's ridiculous. I worked on that speech for four score and seven years."

Donald Trump's former campaign manager, Corey Lewandowski, said today that whoever wrote Melania Trump's speech should be fired. "Fine, I'll pack up my desk," said Michelle.

After the Bush family announced that they will not attend this week's Republican National Convention, Newt Gingrich this morning told interviewers that he believes the Bushes are behaving childishly. When reached for comment, Jeb hid behind his mom's leg.

The review app Yelp has added a new PokéStops nearby filter to help people choose restaurants where they can expect to find Pokémon. Said fans of the new feature, "Table for one, please."

A new poll has Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump virtually tied, with Clinton leading Trump 46 percent to 45 percent. It's the closest Trump has ever gotten to a woman his own age.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

What I don't understand is, yeah, we knew [Trump was going to be the nominee] but there was supposed to be a floor fight. Bikers chain-whipping the Rules Committee. Ted Cruz trying to cut out Reince Priebus' eyeball with a broken bottle. We were promised excitement! But none of that happened. They voted. He got it. That's it.

We've got a social media team on the ground in Cleveland all this week, and yesterday for two hours on Facebook live, they streamed footage of the condiment station at the convention. Your ketchup, mustard, relish, stuff like that. Our condiment cam caught Fox News anchor Bret Baier — friend of the show — filling a water bottle with mustard. It's absolutely true!

Why is Bret Baier hoarding mustard? What does he know that we don't know? I can't judge the man. We report, you decide. But this is the biggest condiment scandal to come out of Fox News since Roger Ailes was caught spanking the bottom of a ketchup bottle.

Wed, 07/27/16

Joke Day: #3632

From: 07/19/16
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 07/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

If any of these jokes sound old, it’s because Michelle Obama used them in 2008.

Donald Trump's campaign manager Paul Manafort said today that Melania's speech was similar to Michelle Obama's because they must feel the same way about their families. Then Melania said, "Yes, especially my daughters, Sasha and Malia."

Of course, the convention’s going all week. And I saw that it actually has a different theme each night. That’s right, the themes are “Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance.”

Hillary was actually campaigning in Las Vegas today. Which is crazy, 'cuz usually when Hillary gambles, it involves national security.

Right now the New York Times says that Hillary has a 76 percent chance of winning the election. Hillary says she's excited by the news and can’t wait to find a new way to blow it.

The Late Late Show with James Corden

Today Donald Trump officially won the Republican nomination. Which makes the entrance he made last night at the convention even more spectacular. Donald said he wanted his entrance to be like his plans for the economy: foggy and mysterious.

What's really interesting is that he came out to the Queen song "We are the Champions." I would have gone with a different Queen song: "I See a Little Silhouette-o of a Man."

Thu, 07/28/16

Joke Day: #3633

From: 07/20/16

Top of Page   Joke: 08/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

It’s the Republican Convention and Donald Trump returned to Cleveland ahead of tomorrow night’s speech. A lot of people noted that Trump was greeted by his whole family when he landed, except for his wife, Melania. Even weirder, Michelle Obama WAS there.

The chief creative officer for Chipotle is facing charges for buying cocaine seven times since January. His co-workers could tell he had a cocaine problem, because not even people at Chipotle need to go to the bathroom THAT much.

Aviation companies claim a newly developed virtual reality headset will actually help pilots fly in poor visibility and land in difficult conditions. So if you’re boarding your next flight and you see the pilot putting a giant box over his head, just sit back, relax, and enjoy the flight! “It’s like I’m REALLY flying!” “You ARE flying. Pay attention!”

San Diego has been hosting its annual Comic-Con. Yep, it’s been a great place to get away from people playing Pokémon . . . just to be around people DRESSED as Pokémon.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Donald Trump Jr. spoke at the Republican Convention and said his dad was his best friend, which is sweet and a little sad.

I was imagining if my dad was running for president, and I thought about it for a long time. I think my speech could say, “My dad taught me the most important thing — when someone offers you his finger and asks you to pull it, don't. Nothing good comes of it.”

One of the things I've been enjoying most about the convention, almost everyone refers to him as Donald J. Trump, like there's another one running around. But I've thoroughly enjoyed everyone saying it. The "J" is a big thing. And a lot of people don't realize, the "J" stands for Jamal.

The most unusual comments were made by former Trump rival Dr. Ben Carson. Speaking with the authority of a brain surgeon that had performed a lobotomy on himself, he said Lucifer is Hillary’s top running mate. That's how you feel the Bern.

A good thing they have a doctor there because some members of the convention contracted the norovirus, losing bowel control. It’s basically what happened to Chris Christie after walking off stage when he endorsed Trump.

You probably know what happened, Melania Trump being accused of stealing her speech from Mrs. Obama. And then a speechwriter took responsibility, saying Melania told her she admires Mrs. Obama, and the woman that actually wrote the things Melania pretended to write, admitted she pretended to write the things that Melania to pretended to write.

But if you had to give a speech in Slovenia-ish, you would have to write a few paragraphs in English, too.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

A number of college professors are saying that Melania Trump's convention speech earlier this week would classify as plagiarism in some academic settings. While in other academic settings [displays logo of Trump University], it would earn you a Ph.D. in "Speechinating."

Paul Ryan last night told the Republican convention's audience that they can get through next week's Democratic convention with a little help from the mute button. And speaking of which [displays photo of Dr. Ben Carson], the mute button also gave a speech last night.

A 91-year-old woman in Germany is under investigation for destruction of property after she tried filling in words on a crossword puzzle on display at an art museum. If charged, the woman could face time in a four-letter word for enclosure.

A city in Uruguay this weekend held a cannabis cup, where a panel of experts judged marijuana on aroma, flavor, effects, and strength. The experts were like, "We did?"

Fri, 07/29/16

Joke Day: #3634

From: 07/21/16
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 09/25

Jimmy Kimmel Live

There’s a new weather phenomenon, causing unusually high temperatures, expected to get up to 115 degrees in some states. So, don't go to some of those states. And the fear is that the heat dome will turn into a thunderdome, and we'll have to turn to Mad Max to help us.

President Obama said to drink water, stay out of the sun, and check on your neighbors. Can you imagine checking on your neighbors in Los Angeles? And Donald Trump tweeting, “The sun is the worst. Hot, lazy, stupid, the sun is a big fat loser.”

In Cleveland tonight, Donald Trump officially accepted the Republican nomination. Throwing “Make America Great” t-shirts into the crowd — not really, but it's kind of believable, right?

When he finished his speech, they dropped 125,000 balloons, poor Chris Christie spent all day blowing them up.

The big drama last night came courtesy of Sen. Ted Cruz, who chose not to endorse Donald Trump, even though they let him give a speech. There were a lot of boos for Ted Cruz. How dare he? One of the reasons he didn't voice his support for Trump, he reportedly has plans to run for president again in 2020. Why not? It went so well this time.

It was a good day for Ben Carson. He just signed a deal to be the new face of Tylenol PM.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Ivanka Trump introduced her father tonight says he is color blind and gender neutral — which means that Trump cannot use the bathroom anywhere.

The Republican Convention had a theme each day, and today's was “Make America One Again.” Let's be honest, that was not the first draft.

Ted Cruz spoke in the convention last night and was loudly booed because he refused to support Donald Trump for president — and I'm surprised to learn that Ted Cruz has a backbone, considering that he has no face bones.

Following the outrage that Cruz did not endorse Trump last night, Cruz’s wife, Heidi, was escorted from the convention by security as people yelled, "Goldman Sachs!” Careful, Republicans — if you say it three times, Hillary will appear.

Following Mike Pence's speech last night, Donald Trump joined his running mate on stage and appeared to make an air-kiss gesture to him, and Pence tried to send Trump to a gay re-education camp.

Sat, 07/30/16

Joke Day: #3635

From: 07/21/16
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 10/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

A lot of people are wondering why the Trump campaign would even invite Ted Cruz to speak at the convention in the first place. It turns out Ben Carson summoned him the night before by saying the word "Lucifer" three times.

Meanwhile, Donald Trump's running mate Mike Pence gave a speech at the convention last night and even poked fun at the fact most people don't know who he is. I guess even Donald Trump calls him "Vice President Hey Buddy."

The Democrats support special labeling for GMO foods. Republicans support teen abstinence programs. So they can compromise, and now, teens have to wear labels telling everyone they're virgins.

The Republicans want to defund Planned Parenthood. The Democrats want to stop Donald Trump from preventing access to birth control. They compromised, and now, Planned Parenthood will hand out pictures of Donald Trump as birth control.

The Late Late Show with James Corden

Last night was night three of the Republican Convention, and if you thought the first two nights were exciting — then you really need to get out more.

The big story of last night was that Texas Sen. Ted Cruz, despite being invited by Donald Trump, refused to endorse him in his speech and this prompted the audience to boo him. I will say Ted Cruz was completely unfazed by the booing. I think it was because he thought they were going “Cruuuz,” he's like, Thanks guys, thank you, thank you.”

Traditionally the third night of the convention is supposed to be all about the VP pick and everyone was saying that the Ted Cruz fiasco overshadowed Trump's VP Mike Pence. Even Trump doesn't seem to like him that much. There was an awkward moment between them at the end of Pence's speech [shows video of air-kiss]. They greeted each other the way you greet your girlfriend's mom the first time. You're like, “Are we going to — do we — we just kiss on the lips — muah — just kiss on the lips.”

I really like Trump and Pence's chemistry. You can tell these guys have been friends since all the way back on July 18th of 2016.

Sun, 07/31/16

Joke Day: #3636

From: 07/25/16
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 11/25

Jimmy Kimmel Live

The theme for the Democrats today at the Democratic Convention is “United Together.” Which really is the best way to be united. So much better than being united apart.

After the Republican Convention last week, the DNC was supposed to be the boring one. It was quite the opposite. Every time Hillary Clinton's name was mentioned there were boos from Bernie Sanders fans. Even Bernie had to ask his supporters to calm down. After a year of telling them not to calm down. It's like Chef Boyardee telling people to take it easy on the ravioli.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Hillary Clinton introduced her new running mate Senator Tim Kaine at an event in Miami this weekend. She found Kaine while searching a stock photo database for “white businessman.”

First Lady Michelle Obama spoke tonight on the first day of the Democratic National Convention, while Melania Trump furiously took notes.

President Obama appeared on Face the Nation this weekend and said of Hillary Clinton, "She's not always flashy, and there are better speechmakers, but she knows her stuff.” Man, I’d hate to see Obama set somebody up on a blind date. “She’s got one wonky eye and she talks too much, but you don’t wanna die alone, do ya?”

Donald Trump will be holding a Q and A session on the online message board Reddit during the Democratic Convention this week — though Trump’s Q and A will be unique in that he will both ask and answer the questions. “Am I the most handsome candidate in history? Interesting question, thanks for asking. I will say, a lot of people think so.”

Mon, 08/01/16

Joke Day: #3637

From: 07/25/16
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 12/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Tonight was the start of the Democratic National Convention in Philadelphia, where today the temperature was over 100 degrees. As if Hillary Clinton needed another reason to sweat. She went through two pantsuits.

In fact, it was so hot Hillary met with some Bernie supporters just for the chilly reception.

We may be seeing more Trumps in politics. In fact, Donald Trump's son, Donald Jr., told CNN he hasn't ruled out running for mayor of New York next year. When she heard that, Hillary Clinton turned to Chelsea and said, "Clear your schedule."

Conan O'Brien

According to a poll, 90 percent of Bernie Sanders supporters plan to vote for Hillary Clinton in November. The other 10 percent plan to put their hand down the sink and then turn on the disposal.

Earlier tonight, Bernie Sanders spoke at the Democratic National Convention. Sanders' speech was interrupted by dozens of applause breaks and three pee breaks.

Hillary Clinton’s main task this week is to divert attention from leaked DNC emails and other negative press. Hillary’s going to begin her speech with the rousing first line — "Hey, Look, There’s a Pokémon!"

The manager of English soccer team Manchester United has banned his players from playing Pokémon Go. The Manchester United manager said, "I want my players thinking about soccer, not some fun game where interesting things happen."

The Australian Olympic team is refusing to check into the Olympic Village saying it is "uninhabitable." Then after checking into a Day’s Inn, the team said, "Never mind."

Tue, 08/02/16

Joke Day: #3638

From: 07/26/16
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 13/25

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Hillary Clinton became the first woman to be nominated by a major party in the United States, which even if she doesn't win is going to look great on her resume.

Bill Clinton spoke tonight. He was the major speaker of the evening. Of course he strongly supported his wife to be our next president. In a surprise move asked Melania Trump to be his first lady.

If Hillary wins, it will be interesting to see because Bill Clinton would be our nation's first first man. Which is interesting. We've had a first man on the moon, a first man to climb Mount Everest, a first man to run a four-minute mile. Nobody ever thought to be just the first man. I guess Adam maybe was the first first man.

The Democrats have had some impressive speakers so far. Last night Michelle Obama delivered her second convention speech of the week. The first lady made a very powerful point. She noted that she and her husband wake up every day in a house built by slaves. To which Donald Trump replied, “Really? Can I get the name of your contractor?”

It was a big night for Bernie Sanders. You could tell. For the the first time ever it appears he combed his hair.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Democrats held a roll call vote today to formally elect Hillary Clinton as their party’s nominee. Delegates had the option of voting either “no” or “ugh, fine.”

Bernie Sanders supporters were so angry last night that they booed each mention of Hillary Clinton’s name, and even booed the pastor leading the pre-convention prayer. Of course, this was Philadelphia. Booing is just how people exhale.

A British Airways flight had to make an emergency landing recently after the cabin strongly smelled like marijuana. Even worse, the pilot was flying at, like, 5 miles per hour.

New York was hit with a large thunderstorm last night, which caused enough rain to create temporary waterfalls in some subway stations. It’s the closest New Yorkers have ever come to seeing nature.

Wed, 08/03/16

Joke Day: #3639

From: 07/26/16
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 14/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Of course, it’s the Democratic Convention, which began last night. There were several big moments, and by the end, everyone was chanting "I'm With Her!" Unfortunately for Hillary, they were talking about Michelle Obama.

Michelle gave a really big speech last night. But she wasn’t the only one. Bernie Sanders gave the final speech of the night, which kept being delayed by applause. Bernie was like, “Please stop with the clapping! You’ll make the lights go off and on!

Bernie Sanders said that he knows people are disappointed in the results of the primaries, saying, “I think it’s fair to say nobody is more disappointed than I am.” At which point, Jeb Bush threw his empty Hagen Daazs container at the TV.

Boyz II Men opened up the Democratic Convention yesterday performing their hit “Motown Philly.” Then they closed it out with Bernie Sanders singing “It’s so Hard to Say Goodbye to Yesterday.”

Conan O'Brien

Donald Trump is now leading Hillary Clinton by 28 points with white voters without a college degree. However, Hillary is ahead by 98 points with voters who went to Trump University.

Experts are saying that the highlight of the Democratic Convention’s first night was Michelle Obama’s speech. In fact, Melania Trump said she already knows it by heart.

Today, shortly before we taped the show, Hillary Clinton became the first female presidential nominee of a major party. So now little girls everywhere can say, "One day I’m gonna grow up and run against an insane reality TV star."

It’s being reported that 19 out of the 31 apartment buildings in the Rio Olympic Village are not ready yet. Today, Rio organizers asked, "How does everybody feel about a 'Fall Olympics'?"

Yesterday at the DNC, Elizabeth Warren said, "Trump's entire campaign is just one more late-night Trump infomercial." Trump called her "stupid" then said, "But wait there’s more . . ."

Verizon has purchased Yahoo and plans to merge it with AOL. Verizon said its goal is to become the RC Cola of the internet.

Legal experts are saying it’s only a matter of time before someone uses Pokémon Go as an excuse for committing a crime. At least then we’ll get to hear the first lawyer ever to use the "Squirtle Defense."

Thu, 08/04/16

Joke Day: #3640

From: 07/27/16

Top of Page   Joke: 15/25

Conan O'Brien

The first sentence of Bill Clinton’s speech was "In the spring of 1971, I met a girl." You can imagine the relief in the room when they realized he was talking about Hillary.

In a video last night, Hillary Clinton told little girls that they can grow up to be president. In response, little girls said "Thanks, but we’d rather be Beyoncé."

Tonight, President Obama is going to make a speech trying to convince people to vote for Hillary Clinton instead of Donald Trump. It’s a speech entitled, "I Can’t Believe This Is Necessary."

Last night Bill Clinton said the first two times he proposed to Hillary, she said no. Clinton then said, "So let’s stop all this talk about Hillary’s bad judgement."

After Michelle Obama’s speech where she said the White House was built by slaves, Fox News host Bill O’Reilly said the slaves who built the White House were "well fed" and had "decent lodging." Leave it to Fox News to provide a fair and balanced view of slavery.

Last night at the Democratic Convention, Bernie Sanders supporters staged a walkout. Witnesses say they’ll never forget the sound of 6,000 pairs of Crocs leaving the convention.

Fri, 08/05/16

Joke Day: #3641

From: 07/28/16
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 16/25

Jimmy Kimmel Live

It was a historic night. We're either going to have our first female president, or the first president who sold a line of steaks at Sharper Image.

After Hillary spoke tonight, instead of the balloon drop, Bill Clinton should have climbed to the top of the rafters and released all the old condoms he had.

Last night, President Obama gave Mrs. Clinton a powerful endorsement, at the end of which, she joined him on stage for an embrace that was about as awkward as when the groom dances with his mother-in-law at a wedding.

Hillary’s choice for running mate, Virginia Sen. Tim Kaine, gave a speech last night where he revealed that not only does he habla español, he can do a Donald Trump impression. He did such a convincing job that Tim Kaine is now leading Hillary Clinton by 3 percent.

Trump wants to build a wall and bring in foreign workers. It's like he's playing a game of tic-tac-toe against himself. Or maybe this is a Telemundo prank show. We sent a bunch of workers to the United States. Wait until they find out who their new boss is.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Morgan Freeman narrated Hillary Clinton's introduction video at the DNC, and for some reason, Hillary gave her speech as Morgan Freeman tonight.

Hillary Clinton said tonight that Donald Trump has taken the Republican Party from Ronald Reagan's “Morning in America” to “Midnight in America.” Which frankly is a little insulting those of us who come on at 1:00 a.m. Midnight is not terrible.

Donald Trump told reporters yesterday that he doesn't know who Vladimir Putin is. He then paused and went, “Oh, you mean Vlad? Yeah, of course I know Vlad.”

Former Republican Mayor of New York City Michael Bloomberg spoke at the DNC last night. He told the crowd Hillary Clinton understands this is not reality television. Though if it were, she is not here to make friends!

Vice President Joe Biden spoke at the convention last night. He walked out to the theme from the movie Rocky. I'm guessing that's how he enters everywhere he goes.

Sat, 08/06/16

Joke Day: #3642

From: 07/28/16
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 17/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Tonight Hillary Clinton gave her big speech at the Democratic Convention, officially accepting the nomination for president. The speech went well, but the lightning shooting from her hands was a bit much.

During his big speech, President Obama said that no matter how many times Hillary Clinton gets knocked down, she always gets back up. At which point, he was accused of plagiarizing his speech from Chumbawamba.

Scientists from Indiana discovered that an 8-year-old orangutan named Rocky can mimic human voices and copy words in a conversational way. But it got awkward when the first thing he said was, "Actually, my name's Ricky.”

Michael Keaton said in a recent interview that it's very unlikely they'll be doing a Beetlejuice sequel. Then he said, "Unless you ask me two more times."

Conan O'Brien

After Joe Biden used the word “malarkey” in his speech, it became the most searched word on the internet. Mostly from people who thought "Malarkey" was a new Pokémon.

During President Obama’s speech last night, he referred to Donald Trump as a "home-grown demagogue." In response, Trump supporters said "Hey — two syllable words only!"

Hillary Clinton gave her big speech at the Democratic Convention this evening. And there was an awkward moment when she finished the speech and said, "Now where’s my check?"

Bradley Cooper was spotted at the Democratic Convention and it angered conservatives because he portrayed Navy SEAL Chris Kyle in American Sniper. These are the same people who were angry when they learned that Ben Affleck isn’t really Batman.

Today, Donald Trump said that when he asked Russia to hack Hillary Clinton’s emails he was being “sarcastic.” Which makes sense — if anyone understands comedy, it’s the Russians.

The U.S. Patent Office has rejected Whole Foods' request to be called "the world’s healthiest grocery store." However, they approved 7-Eleven’s request to be called "the world’s finest antique foods dealer."

Sesame Street announced that they have fired several of their long-time cast members. These layoffs were brought to you by the letters F and U.

This year, for the first time ever, marijuana plants will compete in the Oregon State Fair. The winner will be whichever marijuana grower remembers to show up.

The Late Late Show with James Corden

History has been made. After months of anticipation, Jo Jo has cut it down to just two remaining bachelors. These are exciting times. Oh, and also, Hillary Clinton received the Democratic nomination.

Hillary Clinton broke the glass ceiling, and just in case that point was lost on you, with Trump so close to the presidency, Hillary just became the largest “break glass in case of emergency” ever.

Donald Trump vowed that when he is president he will replace the broken glass ceiling with a reinforced titanium steel ceiling and that women are going to pay for it.

Bill Clinton said he watched all six Police Academy movies with his daughter Chelsea, which got awkward when Chelsea was like, “That wasn't me.”

When George W. Bush saw this, he was like, “Pfft, a few days? I did that for eight years.”

Sun, 08/07/16

Joke Day: #3643

From: 07/29/16

Top of Page   Joke: 18/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

This week, Hillary Clinton’s running mate Tim Kaine spoke at the Democratic convention and some people online said he came off as a corny dad. Or as Joe Biden put it, "The student has become the master."

Turns out Melania Trump's professional website has been deleted following allegations that she lied about graduating from college. She just deleted the whole thing. As if copying Michelle Obama wasn't enough, now she's copying Hillary Clinton.

In an interview with Harper's Bazaar magazine, Kim Kardashian claims she wants to have more privacy. Then she said, "Starting after this interview. That's what I wanted — I've had enough."

There's actually a new trend now of parents naming their children after characters in Pokémon Go. Personally, I think this is a mistake, and so do my daughters Mario and Luigi.

A new study finds that Americans have on average become several inches shorter in the past 100 years. But scientists say it's mainly because we're all looking down at our phones.

Mon, 08/08/16

Joke Day: #3644

From: Coming Soon

Top of Page   Joke: 19/25

From 08/01/16
(**Part 1**)

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Many veterans' families are speaking out against Donald Trump after he began attacking the parents of a Muslim-American soldier, calling Trump repugnant. Said Trump, "I'm the most repugnant. No one is more repugnant than me. Real quick, what does repugnant mean?"

After Army father Khizr Khan's convention speech in which he pulled out a pocket-sized copy of the Constitution, sales on Amazon have skyrocketed, making it the second most purchased book. The first is "How to Move to Canada."

A pocket Constitution is perfect for Trump, because it will look regular sized in his tiny hands.

Trump was asked about his cozy relationship with Vladimir Putin and claimed unbelievably that he couldn't even remember if he'd met Putin or not. Yeah, no offense, but I think I want a president who would remember meeting Vladimir Putin. How many shark-eyed shirtless equestrians do you know?

Mike Pence is finding out that being Trump's VP is like being a fireman who has an arsonist as a roommate.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

A lot of people are talking about Donald Trump and Russia now. And not just because of how much he resembles Russian dressing.

This entire campaign, Trump's made us forget about his crazy statements by saying something even crazier. It's the like the old woman who swallowed a fly, only Trump would never be seen with an older woman.

The 2016 Rio games start Friday, and there are some concerns. Athletes swimming in the heavily polluted Guanabara Bay have been warned by health experts to keep their mouths closed in the toxic stew. OK? Mouths closed. Or heads out of the water. I can't wait to see who takes home the gold in the Olympic doggie paddle.

Last Thursday at the Democratic convention, the parents of a fallen U.S. soldier criticized Donald Trump, and over the weekend, he repeatedly lashed out at them — which got me thinking, is there anyone Donald Trump won't attack if they say bad things about him?

Tue, 08/09/16

Joke Day: #3645

From: 08/01/16
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 20/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

There are now less than 100 days left until the presidential election. Or you could say, there are now less than 100 days left ... period.

I saw that Apple CEO Tim Cook will hold a fundraiser later this month for Hillary Clinton. He had a long list of terms and conditions for the event, but Hillary just said “Agree!” without really reading them.

The summer Olympics start this Friday, and I read that the organizing committee will stay aboard a docked cruise ship called “The Getaway,” which will act as a floating hotel. 'Cuz nothing makes you feel safer about the Olympics than the organizers staying in a getaway boat. “You kids have fun! We’ll just be over here – with the engines running in case things go south.”

A skydiver in California just became the first person to jump out of a plane from 25,000 feet without a parachute and land in a net. Or as Southwest Airlines calls that, “Business Class.”

The Late Late Show with James Corden

It's alleged that almost 100 athletes are suspected of using banned substances in the 2008 and 2012 Olympics. And they suspect many athletes this year, too, because anyone who wants to go to the Rio Olympics has to be on drugs.

Ninety-eight athletes in the last two Olympics are suspected of doping, or as it's technically called, "wanting it more."

At this point, they should just make peeing in a cup into an Olympic sport. Just let everyone do drugs. Everyone doing drugs is a fair playing field. What's more exciting than a nine-second 100-meter dash? A three-second 100-meter dash.

Some sad news today in the world of technology, because it was announced that the last company to commercially produce VCRs, Funai Electric of Japan, will discontinue selling VHS cassette tape players this month. For those of you who don't know what a VCR is, it's that large clock underneath your great-aunt's TV.

That's right, no more VCRs, which begs the question, how will the CBS audience continue recording our show? But don't worry, if you do enjoy clinging to obsolete relics from the 1980s, you can still just vote for Donald Trump.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

The emotional season finale of "The Bachelorette" confirmed it is possible to make a lifelong commitment to your soulmate even though you were making out with another guy a simple 24 hours before.

Our hero this year, JoJo, was forced to choose between Robby, former competitive swimmer, and Jordan, former quarterback. She had to choose between the guy who used to play football and the guy who used to swim.

The New York Post yesterday published several nude photos of Melania Trump that were taken during her modeling days. Trump's communications adviser said the photos are a "celebration of the human body as art." To me they look more like a celebration of the human body as a paycheck, but OK — art.

In any other election, nude photos of the candidate's wife would be far and away the biggest story of the campaign. It would be crazy. For Donald Trump this isn't even a blip. By Wednesday we'll never hear about this again.

This isn't the first time they've done something like this. I remember many, many, many years back when they pulled the same move with Eleanor Roosevelt. Bernie Sanders has a copy of that hidden under his mattress.

Wed, 08/10/16

Joke Day: #3646

From: 08/02/16
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 21/25

Late Night With Seth Meyers

When asked about possibly running for future office despite his age, Vice President Joe Biden this weekend told interviewers that if he didn’t know how old he really was, he’d guess he’s 44. And if he didn’t know what time it was, he’d guess it’s Miller Time.

Eric Trump appeared on CBS "This Morning" today and defended his father's ongoing feud with the family of a veteran, saying, “What I think this country needs is a fighter.” And to Donald Trump’s credit, he did bravely fight off all five of the Army’s attempts to draft him.

It is being reported that two senior aides were recently fired from the Donald Trump campaign. “Oh no, which two?!” yelled Eric and Donald Jr.

Vice President Joe Biden yesterday performed a same-sex wedding for a pair of longtime White House staffers. Said the staffers, “But we’re just friends!”

Yesterday Donald Trump said of The New York Times, “They don’t know how to write good.” When told that it should be “well,” Trump said, “Oh, sorry — WELL, they don’t know how to write good.”

Thu, 08/11/16

Joke Day: #3647

From: 08/02/16
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 22/25

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Today Donald Trump came up with a new nickname for Hillary Clinton, "The Devil." I like how he says "it's true," as if he traveled to Hell and confirmed it himself.

Calling your opponent the devil, that's going to be tough to reel back in if he loses and has to make a concession speech. "Today I called the devil and congratulated her on her victory. I'm disappointed but we now unite behind our president the devil."

Trump tweeted a photograph last night showing him feasting on Kentucky Fried Chicken with a knife and fork. And a spoon, even. What's more relatable than a man in a suit eating fried chicken with utensils on board his private jumbo jet?

I don't know who's advising him. Who eats KFC with a knife and fork? I don't even need a plate. The reason it comes in a bucket is you don't need anything. All you need is a face to eat KFC.

Fri, 08/12/16

Joke Day: #3648

From: 08/02/16
(**Part 3**)

Top of Page   Joke: 23/25

The Late Late Show with James Corden

President Obama piled on this morning, saying in a press conference he feels Trump is unfit to be president. America's first black president is begging you not to elect America's first orange one.

Trump himself seems to be aware of the shifts in public opinion which is why it seems like he's already building an excuse for a loss by saying the November election will probably be rigged. Former Democratic candidate Al Gore weighed in, saying, "Yeah, we wouldn't want that to happen!"

If Donald Trump was a teenager he definitely would be the kid who turns the Nintendo off the second he starts losing at Mario Kart.

Apple has announced that it'll be removing the handgun emoji from its smartphones and replacing it with an emoji of a squirt gun. In case you weren't paying attention, there are now more restrictions on gun emojis in the United States than on actual guns.

Sat, 08/13/16

Joke Day: #3649

From: 08/02/16
(**Part 4**)

Top of Page   Joke: 24/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Doctors are telling the Rio athletes competing in water sports not to put their heads under water to avoid getting sick. So remember, if you're swimming at the Olympics, swim above the water.

Athletes asked how they were supposed to swim with their heads in the air, and doctors were like, "Oh, no, don't — you don't breathe in the air. That's even worse."

Donald Trump had yet another awkward moment today. Apparently there was a crying baby at one of his rallies, and Trump actually kicked it out, saying, "Get the baby out of here." It backfired when the Secret Service tried to remove Trump.

Hillary Clinton said this weekend that she's going to be at all the presidential debates, despite Trump protesting the schedule. Hillary said that even if Trump doesn't show, she's changed her positions enough that she can just debate herself.

Sun, 08/14/16

Joke Day: #3650

From: 08/03/16
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 25/25

Late Night With Seth Meyers

In the last 24 hours, Donald Trump has refused to endorse Republican leaders up for re-election, accused John McCain of failing veterans, suggested Americans pull their 401(k)s out of the stock market, threw out a crying baby at a rally, fought with the father of a dead soldier, and suggested President Obama was responsible for the death of troops during George W. Bush’s time in office. Said voters, “Yeah, but I’m not sure I trust Hillary Clinton.”

Top Republican fundraiser and Hewlett-Packard executive Meg Whitman released a statement saying that she will break with her party and support Hillary Clinton. She wanted to release the statement three days ago, but her printer kept jamming.

A new study has come out analyzing the role of the female orgasm in reproduction. But the male scientists fell asleep before it was done and the female scientists had to finish writing it themselves.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

Remember a few months ago when future former President Barack Obama got Iran to release four American prisoners? Well, it turns out he forgot to tell us about a small shipping and handling fee. Because as the prisoners were freed, $400 million was flown to Iran on a plane loaded with cash. Don't you hate it when you're on an airplane and you get stuck sitting next to $400 million? You don't know who gets the armrest.

This week Trump attacked a Gold Star family, seemed happy about getting a Purple Heart as a gift — ’cuz it was so much easier than EARNING one — and appeared to feud with a crying baby at a campaign rally. Things have gotten so bad that Trump's allies are plotting an intervention. An intervention! “They love you Donald, and the first step to recovery is admitting that YOU’RE the problem.”

I’m guessing this is just wishful thinking, but senior GOP officials are exploring options if Trump drops out. In fact, top Republicans have been seen standing outside Mitt Romney's house holding boom boxes.