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Joke of the Day

Day # Range: 3601 - 3625

Date Range: 06/22/16 - 07/13/16

Sun, 06/26/16

Joke Day: #3601

From: 06/22/16
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 01/25

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Welcome to Los Angeles, home of the Lakers, home of the Clippers, neither of whom won the NBA championship this year which is why we didn't have a parade today.

There's a big parade in Cleveland today to celebrate the first major title in, like, 800 years, and a weird thing happened. Nobody showed up. It was just J.R. Smith on top of a pickup truck.

It's quite the opposite. More than a million fans celebrated. The last time there was this much excitement in the streets of Cleveland was when LeBron James left Cleveland and more than a million fans gathered in the streets to burn his jersey.

Donald Trump has been stepping up his attacks on Hillary Clinton. He just launched a new website called LyingCrookedHillary.com. Which I tried to go on like five times today. Every time I only got a blank page. I told him not to hire the guys who set up the Obamacare website. He didn't listen.

Trump said the public doesn't know anything about Hillary in terms of her religion, whereas we do know that he is a man of deep faith. In fact, his faith is so deep you can barely see any sign of it. His faith is like one of these see-through fish at the very, very bottom of the ocean.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Donald Trump gave a speech today on what he called the failed policies and bad judgment of Hillary Clinton. And he's right, her judgment isn't always great, but nobody will listen to him because his judgment is so much worse.

Anti-Trump Republicans have reportedly been re-energized by reports that Donald Trump's campaign is having financial problems that could lead to an alternative GOP nominee. "Awesome," said Jeb Bush, before slipping on a banana peel and falling into a manhole.

Bernie Sanders today told reporters he's not sure if he will be asked to speak at the upcoming Democratic convention. But he does know he won't be asked to speak up.

Ted Cruz today endorsed Marco Rubio's campaign for re-election in the Senate. And when those two work together, there's nothing they can do.

Bernie Sanders admitted today that he doesn't believe he can become the Democratic nominee. He also said it might be time to give up on his dream of qualifying for the X Games.

Mon, 06/27/16

Joke Day: #3602

From: 06/22/16
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 02/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Things are really heating up between Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton. Hillary gave a speech yesterday attacking Trump, and then today, Trump gave a counter-speech attacking Hillary. Which means 2016 will always be remembered as the election of "Shut up" — "No, you shut up."

Hillary gave this speech about Trump yesterday and said, quote, "He's written a lot of books about business, but they all seem to end at Chapter 11." Then Bernie Sanders said, "Even I felt that burn!"

While he was back at the Capitol yesterday, Bernie Sanders accidentally went to the Republican lunchroom. Bernie knew he wasn't in the Democrats' lunchroom when he couldn't get a free lunch.

I read that 62% of Colorado high school students say that they had never used marijuana. Which raises the question, how stoned were the high school students who admitted to smoking marijuana?

Conan O'Brien

In a speech today, Donald Trump blasted Hillary Clinton, calling her "a world class liar" and "the most corrupt person to seek the presidency." Trump then said, "Wait a second, I think I’m in love."

To protest the lack of gun control reform, Congressional Democrats are sitting on the floor of the House. The sit-in consists of more than 30 Democrats and two Republicans who thought it was a hot yoga class.

Today Donald Trump called on Bernie Sanders' supporters to support him instead. Trump said, "Ignore my policy positions, just focus on my New York accent and crazy hair."

Nearly 1 million adults in the U.S. are in a same-sex marriage. That’s compared to the nearly 40 million adults in a no-sex marriage.

Bernie Sanders admitted today that he "doesn’t appear" to be the nominee. Just to make sure, Bernie said he’ll stay in the race for two more years.

Tue, 06/28/16

Joke Day: #3603

From: 06/23/16
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 03/25

The Late Late Show with James Corden

House Democrats staged a dramatic 26-hour sit-in on the floor of the House to force a vote on background check provisions. The Democrats decided to get the Republicans' attention by doing something they can relate to: sitting on their butts and getting nothing done.

The truth is the sit-in failed to force a vote, but it was a huge success in at least one way: It finally bumped Donald Trump out of the news for 24 hours — which, seriously, thank you Democrats.

If you’re going to be anywhere for 26 hours you're going to need some snacks. As a show of solidarity several Democratic senators sent boxes of food to those participating in the sit-in. Sen. Chuck Schumer sent Pepsi and Mountain Dew, Dick Durbin sent Milky Ways, Ron Wyden sent pizzas. I don't know if this sit-in changed anything, but the slumber party afterwards is going to be amazing.

The sit-in looks really good fun. You sit on the floor, you sing songs, eat pizza. If I was in Congress, I would have a sit-in on every other issue. I would be like, “All right, we need to introduce this zoning bill. Everyone on the floor. Dave, pull up the Domino's app. Garlic knots?”

But despite their best efforts, after 26 hours the Democrats decided to end the sit-in. They wanted to end hours earlier, but that is how long it takes 70-year-old men to get up off the floor.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Democrats staged a 26-hour sit-in on the floor of the House to try to force a vote on new gun control legislation. You know the state of our Congress is terrible when you see a bunch of politicians sitting on their [butts] and think to yourself, “Wow, they’re finally doing something!”

After ending their 26-hour sit-in, House Democrats vowed to continue fighting for gun control when Congress resumes in July. Because it’s going to take that long for some of these guys to get up off the floor.

Yesterday House Speaker Paul Ryan referred to the Democratic-led sit-in for gun control as “nothing more than a publicity stunt.” He then added, “Now if you’ll excuse me, my party’s nominee has a WWE match to fight.”

Maserati recently announced a recall for more than 13,000 cars because of a gearshift problem. Coincidentally, a “gearshift problem” is what prompts most men to buy a Maserati in the first place.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

The sit-in in the House of Representatives is pretty dramatic. It is so rare that Congress does anything interesting. So I want to take a moment to say something I never thought I would: "Thank you Congress for sitting on your [butt]."

After the protest began, Paul Ryan declared a recess and cut off C-SPAN's live feed. Now, personally, I don't want to live in a world where Paul Ryan decides what's on TV. I'm guessing it would just be P90X infomercials and "Top Gun" 24 hours a day.

But again, it felt exciting. Here's an example. I kid you not, when he heard about this, my teenage son said, "Let's go watch C-SPAN!" I hope he's not on drugs.

C-SPAN saw an 800 percent increase in ratings last night. That means like 800 people were watching.

Ticketmaster is settling a class action lawsuit for overcharging customers. As part of the settlement, they're giving out $5 million in free concert tickets. Obviously, minus a $3.5 million processing fee.

Wed, 06/29/16

Joke Day: #3604

From: 06/23/16
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 04/25


The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Donald Trump is actually taking a break from the campaign to go visit his golf resort in Scotland tomorrow. Right after he leaves the U.S., Republicans will say, "Quick! Build the wall!"

Trump’s campaign isn't doing so well financially. A recent report said his campaign even spent over $100,000 for meals just last month. Trump was like, "Well, that's the price you pay for hiring Chris Christie."

Bernie Sanders still hasn't officially dropped out of the race for president, but earlier today, he gave a speech with the theme “Where do we go from here?” I think he was basically asking the crowd for directions back to Vermont.

Democrats held a big sit-in on the House floor to protest Congress' refusal to vote on gun control. Or in other words, Democrats were tired of Congress not getting anything done, so they refused to get anything done until someone got something done.

Yesterday, the Knicks made a huge trade with the Chicago Bulls to get all-star Derrick Rose. I guess the Bulls approached the Knicks, looked them in the eyes and said, "Will you accept this rose?"

Conan O'Brien

Last night’s sit-in by Congressional Democrats was live-streamed and got over 3 million views. Which is why today, Congress got picked up for two seasons on Netflix.

Some scientists say one day we may be able to store data in our DNA. If that’s true, then the floor of my college dorm room is a supercomputer.

In response to Hillary Clinton’s slogan "I’m with her," Donald Trump debuted his new slogan, "I’m with you." Then Bernie Sanders debuted his new slogan, "I’m still here, dammit!"

House Speaker Paul Ryan has unveiled a Republican alternative to Obamacare. It’s called "Dying at 50."

In its last few days before break, the Supreme Court has been arguing about race, immigration, and abortion. So basically, the Supreme Court has become most people's families at Thanksgiving.

It’s been reported that after leaving office, President Obama is considering owning an NBA team. They say Obama wants to be an NBA owner because it’s his only chance to get someone on the court.

In Jerusalem, renovation work is beginning on Jesus’s burial tomb. It’s being listed as "occupied by previous owner for only three days!"

Thu, 06/30/16

Joke Day: #3605

From: 06/24/16

Top of Page   Joke: 05/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

The UK officially voted to leave the European Union. It caused the British pound to hit a 31-year low. You could tell Brits were struggling today. Queen Elizabeth was wearing one of those cardboard crowns from Burger King.

Following the vote, British Prime Minister David Cameron actually resigned, saying that the country needs new leadership. An American was like, “Can you start here next January?”

It was such an important vote and it's good to know that people were making an informed decision. Check out the number two trending topic in the UK while people voted whether or not to leave the EU. "What is the EU?" Half the Britons thought they were voting to leave the "EW."

The stars of the "Game of Thrones" have gotten huge raises and will make $500,000 per episode next season. So when you see a character get killed off, know that the suffering on the tape is real.

President Obama is apparently interested in owning an NBA team after he leaves office. You'll know it's Obama's team when they travel too much and never pass anything.

Fri, 07/01/16

Joke Day: #3606

From: 06/27/16

Top of Page   Joke: 06/25

Conan O'Brien

Because of England’s Brexit vote, there’s now talk in Scotland and Northern Ireland about leaving the UK. And when I say "talk," I mean loud, angry, incomprehensible talk.

Critics are calling those in Britain who voted to pull out of the European Union "racist" and "anti-immigrant." After hearing this, Donald Trump said, "Wow, I’m running for leader of the wrong country."

Tourists visiting New York City are being warned about "fake monks" on the street who wear orange robes and demand money. Quick tip - if they stab you . . . fake monk.

Pope Francis said the Catholic Church should ask forgiveness from gays for its past treatment of them. The speech was entitled "My bad, girlfriend."

Over the weekend, Bernie Sanders' press secretary left his campaign. Bernie said, "Now it’s just me and my podiatrist."

Last week, over 30 participants in a Tony Robbins seminar burned their feet walking on hot coals. The victims just signed up for a second seminar: "How To Get Rich Suing Tony Robbins."

This week, there’s a new smartphone available that costs only $4. It’s called the Nokia Weed Dealer.

For the first time ever, the Miss America Pageant is going to have a gay contestant, Miss Missouri. It will also have its first bi contestant, Miss North and South Dakota.

Sat, 07/02/16

Joke Day: #3607

From: 06/28/16

Top of Page   Joke: 07/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Donald Trump appears to be softening some of his anti-immigration views lately. So it sounds to me like someone’s shopping for a new wife.

In Britain yesterday, 90-year-old Queen Elizabeth told reporters, “I’m still alive.” It was in response to the question, “What’s the first thing you tell Prince Charles every day?”

Today, Democrats said the committee investigating Hillary Clinton’s involvement with Benghazi was a "witch hunt." Hillary tried to respond, but just then a house fell on her.

On stage in Indianapolis, the Dalai Lama got a fit of the giggles. When asked why he said, "For decades people have been saying to me 'hello, Dalai' and I finally got it."

A new porn site is donating a penny to charity each time someone watches one of their porn videos. So finally, a reason to watch porn.

Volkswagen's settlement for its emissions cheating scandal is going to cost it nearly $15 billion. A spokesperson for Volkswagen said, "We’ve never been so embarrassed — and we were founded by Hitler."

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Not only is former Olympic gold medalist Caitlyn Jenner the first transgender to be on the cover of "Sports Illustrated," she is also the first sequined person on the cover.

Isn't that a little strange to put her on the "Where are they now?" issue? Should have saved her for the "Who are they now?" issue.

It's tricky for journalists to write about Caitlyn Jenner, because she was a 65-year-old man, now she's a 2-year-old woman. She's a toddler with a gold medal, which is impressive.

Barnes & Noble, the bookstore, has not been doing great. They have a new plan to attract customers. They're planning to open four bookstores next year that serve beer and wine. They hope that offering alcohol will encourage more people to come in. To me this is clearly a Barnes idea; Noble would never be involved in this.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

There's a thing called the Euro Cup soccer tournament. It's happening right now in France. And yesterday, Iceland, the tiniest nation in the tournament, beat powerhouse England 2-1. This is the worst thing to happen to England in four days.

Iceland is so deserted right now, it looks like Iceland.

After the shocking upset, the coach of the English team immediately resigned. Just like British Prime Minister David Cameron did after the Brexit vote.

Just yesterday, Rio's acting governor warned the Olympics could be a "big failure," which is actually an improvement, because until yesterday, it looked like a massive catastrophe.

Corruption and crime aren't the only things plaguing the Olympics. There's also actual plague, because fear over the Zika virus, which can cause birth defects, has led some athletes to stay home and others to take special precautions, like freezing their sperm. "What's going on in there?" "Don't open the door. I'm training for the Olympics!"

Sun, 07/03/16

Joke Day: #3608

From: 06/29/16

Top of Page   Joke: 08/25

Conan O'Brien

I read that a record number of Americans are expected to travel this 4th of July. And if Trump wins the presidency, twice as many Americans are expected to travel this 4th of November.

A new ballot measure will allow Californians to vote in November on whether to legalize recreational marijuana. Californians will have the option of voting either "Yes" or "Hell yes."

In a speech yesterday, Donald Trump spoke in favor of waterboarding. Trump said, "It’s how I got two of my three wives to say yes."

Yesterday, Donald Trump gave a speech at an industrial plant while standing in front of a giant wall of trash. Before the speech, Trump welcomed his new campaign manager, Mike Metaphor.

Hillary Clinton unveiled her technology plan which would offer broadband internet access to all Americans. Then she quickly added, "Except for my husband."

The Miss Teen USA pageant has officially gotten rid of the swimsuit portion of the competition. They announced this in a brief press release that simply said, "Sorry, creeps."

Toyota announced another massive recall because their airbags can explode at any moment. Toyota then said, "Enjoy your holiday weekend."

Jimmy Kimmel Live

In November, California voters will vote on a measure to legalize marijuana for recreational use. Supporters of the amendment turned in the required amount of signatures on time to get on the ballot. Whether the measure passes or not, turning something in on time is a huge victory for marijuana enthusiasts.

A new Quinnipiac University poll has Trump and Clinton almost tied. This is the first tie for Donald Trump that wasn't manufactured in China.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

It's hard to believe that there are only seven months left in the Obama presidency. You never know how much you're going to miss a guy until you see the options.

A lot of people are wondering what Barack Obama will do after he's president. I read today that he is thinking about becoming a venture capitalist in Silicon Valley. So, evidently, Obama is going to be going for the cash. Good for him, but he may have to make a slight adjustment to his poster from "Change" to "Ka-ching!"

Trump is making a real effort to appear more presidential these days. Yesterday, he went to a Pennsylvania recycling plant where he unveiled part of his economic platform. And instead of wearing his trademark baseball cap, he stood in front of a giant pile of garbage.

Here's the plan: Trump is going to revive the economy by turning in empties for the refund.

Mon, 07/04/16

Joke Day: #3609

From: 06/30/16

Top of Page   Joke: 09/25

Conan O'Brien

New York City is officially making its public bathrooms gender-neutral. So next time you try to use a public bathroom in New York, there could be either a man or a woman living in it.

Hillary Clinton has unveiled a technology plan that would offer broadband Internet access to all Americans. Which is why today Hillary was endorsed by the CEO of PornHub.

Hillary Clinton was endorsed by the president of France. When she heard this, Hillary said, "Shut up, I’m trying to win this thing."

Nancy Grace is leaving Headline News in October. The network announced she will be replaced by an especially loud leaf blower.

Netflix may expand their service to China. So finally, kids in China will be able to watch shows on the devices they made.

Yesterday President Obama met with the leaders of Mexico and Canada. Obama said he’s trying to figure out where to live if Trump wins.

Fourth of July, of course, is when we celebrate our breaking away from England. And after this week, it’s starting to seem like England can’t keep a relationship going.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

The Fourth of July holiday weekend is almost upon us. The original Brexit is the Fourth of July. It's my favorite holiday. You don't have to wrap anything, other than bacon around a hot dog.

Last year, two NFL players lost fingers setting off fireworks. That's not a joke. A player for the Buccaneers and a player for the Giants blew their fingers off, which is awful. But it's a good reminder, if you go play with fireworks, play soccer.

Not only is July Fourth a dangerous weekend for athletes, it's the scariest time of year for mannequins. Every news channel, they get the mannequins out of Macy's and Sears, and blow their limbs off, all in the name of fireworks safety. It's a somber holiday for them.

Donald Trump is upset today because so many of his former Republican rivals have not endorsed him. He says he feels like he is running against two parties because none of the guys have jumped in to lend their support. Which makes no sense at all. Donald Trump has been nothing but nice to them.

Donald Trump says what they're doing is disgraceful and there should be consequences for it. What consequences? I don't know. Maybe he is planning to feed Jeb Bush to his dragons.

At this point, the Republican Party is like the scientists at "Jurassic park." Now, it's going to eat us.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

Thirty-eight percent for Trump, 13 percent for a meteor, which adds up to 51 percent of the people are OK with the world coming to an end. Two giant destructive orange balls.

The giant meteor hitting the Earth polled particularly well among independent voters, and unsurprisingly, poorly amongst dinosaurs.

Now Trump might be getting a boost in the polls because sources say Trump is vetting Chris Christie as a potential running mate. Christie would definitely help Trump win voters in New Jersey, who are anxious to get rid of Chris Christie.

The source claims Christie has begun the official vetting process, which I believe means trying to sell more lemonade in Times Square than Gary Busey.

Tue, 07/05/16

Joke Day: #3610

From: 7/4/2016

Top of Page   Joke: 10/25

4th of July

Something a little different - enjoy

Wed, 07/06/16

Joke Day: #3611

From: 07/5/16

Top of Page   Joke: 11/25

George Carlin - Death Penalty (R rating)

Thu, 07/07/16

Joke Day: #3612

From: 07/07/16

Top of Page   Joke: 12/25

George Carlin - Euphemisms (R rating)

Fri, 07/08/16

Joke Day: #3613

From: 07/08/16

Top of Page   Joke: 13/25

George Carlin - Saving the Planet (R rating)

Sat, 07/09/16

Joke Day: #3614

From: 07/09/16

Top of Page   Joke: 14/25

George Carlin - Stuff (R rating)

Sun, 07/10/16

Joke Day: #3615

From: 07/06/16

Top of Page   Joke: 15/25

Conan O'Brien

A couple in North Carolina was arrested for attacking each other with pizza rolls. They’ve been charged with two counts of "Deserving each other."

Marvel announced that the next Iron Man will be an African-American woman. However, in keeping with Hollywood tradition, she will still be played by Robert Downey Jr.

The Juno satellite probe which hasn’t been heard from in five years and has been traveling through deep space finally reached Jupiter yesterday and reestablished contact with Earth. The Jupiter satellite’s first message was, "The Republican Nominee is WHO?"

Although Hillary Clinton was cleared of charges in the investigation of her deleted emails, her actions were described by the FBI as "extremely reckless." However in her defense, the report pointed out that she was Hillary reckless, not Bill reckless.

It's rumored that Snoop Dogg will perform at the Democratic Convention. When he heard this, Donald Trump immediately took him off his vice presidential list.

In a speech yesterday, Donald Trump praised Saddam Hussein for killing terrorists. He also said Hitler was a wonderful dancer and Stalin made a great omelette.

A new app has come out that describes itself as "Uber for Sushi." The app tells you exactly how many minutes away your E.coli is.

Mon, 07/11/16

Joke Day: #3616

From: 07/11/16

Top of Page   Joke: 16/25

Gallagher - Monster

Tue, 07/12/16

Joke Day: #3617

From: 07/12/16

Top of Page   Joke: 17/25

Gallagher - Think Creatively

Wed, 07/13/16

Joke Day: #3618

From: 07/13/16

Top of Page   Joke: 18/25

Gallagher - Sledge-O-Matic

Thu, 07/14/16

Joke Day: #3619

From: 07/14/16

Top of Page   Joke: 19/25

Gallagher - Couch With Style

Fri, 07/15/16

Joke Day: #3620

From: 07/15/16

Top of Page   Joke: 20/25

Gallagher - English Language

Sat, 07/16/16

Joke Day: #3621

From: 07/07/16

Top of Page   Joke: 21/25

Conan O'Brien

Donald Trump met with 200 House Republicans who were described as "nervous." And following the meeting, many of them were described as "Democrats."

Analysts are now saying that Florida could be one of the biggest threats to Donald Trump’s campaign. In other words, Trump may be crazy, but he’s not Florida crazy.

Bernie Sanders is reportedly going to endorse Hillary Clinton next week. Bernie said, "I was going to do it sooner but I thought I’d wait 'til everyone hated me."

Donald Trump is now saying the media took his praise of Saddam Hussein "out of context." Trump also said the media misinterpreted his 5 star Amazon review of "Mein Kampf."

Earlier today, a bunch of grapes sold in Japan for over $10,000. In other words, they’ve opened a Whole Foods in Japan.

A South Carolina elementary school’s lunch program has added a food truck that serves the kids buffalo wings, tacos, and mac-and-cheese. It’s all in keeping with the school’s motto: "It’s Never Too Early To Give Up."

Great Britain is about to have its first female leader since Margaret Thatcher. So congratulations to Sporty Spice!

Sun, 07/17/16

Joke Day: #3622

From: 07/11/16

Top of Page   Joke: 22/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Have you been playing this new Pokémon Go game? It’s huge. In fact, I saw that Pokémon Go already has more users than Tinder. Which makes sense, 'cuz Pokémon Go users actually like what they end up catching from other people.

Due to the British pound losing value in the Brexit, Serena Williams' Wimbledon prize went down from being worth $3 million to just $2.6 million. Or as Serena put it, “Ugh, just forget it then!”

People are now saying that Hillary Clinton has narrowed her list of potential vice presidents down to five people. I’m sorry, she’s “deleted” the list down to five people.

Bernie Sanders is expected to actually endorse Hillary Clinton at an event in New Hampshire tomorrow. In fact, Bernie Sanders is set to give his most enthusiastic endorsement of all time: “Eh, could be worse!”

A federal court just ruled that sharing your Netflix password is now a federal crime. So if you've been looking for a way to send your parents to prison, here's your chance.

Conan O'Brien

The presidential debates have been announced and, guess what, the final one is gonna take place in Las Vegas. Trump and Hillary will have a 90-minute debate and then be married by Elvis.

According to the police, robbers have been ambushing people playing Pokémon Go by luring them to remote locations. The item most commonly reported stolen is any chance at a real adulthood.

The Hillary Clinton campaign recently released an ad that features clips of Donald Trump praising world dictators. In the video, Trump praises Saddam Hussein, Vladimir Putin, and Abby Lee from "Dance Moms."

Donald Trump has dropped hints that he may name a Democrat as his running mate. In fact, today he chose Donald Trump from 2008.

Snoop Dogg was recently a contestant on "Family Feud" and he did not get the top answer about marijuana. Snoop was shocked to get it wrong, and shocked to learn he was a contestant on "Family Feud."

It’s been found that one of Saturn’s moons has an atmosphere somewhat like Earth’s, except you can’t breathe the air, drink the water, or survive the surface temperature. Yet, still a better venue for the Summer Olympics than Rio.

Construction has just started on a two-mile underground "beer pipeline" in Europe. Which explains why today, Britain changed its mind on Brexit.

According to Forbes magazine, in the past year Taylor Swift has earned $170 million. When she heard that, Hillary Clinton said, "I didn’t know she gave speeches."

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Bernie Sanders is expected to endorse Hillary Clinton tomorrow. Said Sanders, "But before I do, are we sure there are no more states?"

Hip-hop group the Wu-Tang Clan has endorsed Hillary Clinton for president. Which makes this the first presidential election where both candidates have been endorsed by a "clan."

Hillary Clinton has been endorsed by the Wu-Tang Clan and when Hillary heard that, she bowed in appreciation and said she looks forward to working with China.

House Speaker Paul Ryan today announced that he will appear at next week's Republican National Convention to deliver a 10-minute speech that he is writing himself. As opposed to Trump, who will be giving a 10-hour speech that he will be writing as he goes.

Mon, 07/18/16

Joke Day: #3623

From: 07/12/16
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 23/25

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Bernie Sanders endorsed Hillary Clinton this afternoon and told his supporters that while he lost the primary, the revolution continues. Though I don't think he should have ended by saying, "Seize her!"

Jeb Bush yesterday said in an interview that Donald Trump is a master at understanding how the media works. Whereas Jeb did the entire interview with the lens cap on.

Donald Trump has begun referring to himself as the "law and order" candidate, while his sons look more like "Law & Order" suspects.

Donald Trump has begun referring to himself as the "law and order" candidate, though I think that title should go to Hillary, since she's also been running for the last 25 years.

Last week Donald Trump vowed to protect Article 12 of the Constitution despite the fact that the Constitution only has seven articles. Said Trump, "I don't know. I don't read it for the articles."

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

The Republican National Convention is next week. Quick programming note — the "Late Show" will be live every single night. So tune in for a mockery of our political system — and then watch the "Late Show!"

We in the media have enjoyed every minute of this knock-down, drag-out fight, reveling in the political fisticuffs like it's some kind of vicious blood sport — like it's the "Hunger games." No, it's worse than that. It's the Hungry for Power Games!

So few remain. But the bar is closing and America has to go home with someone.

Sadly, today we lost the bravest tribute of all. A man who we actually lost months ago, but who courageously kept pretending not to be dead because, today, Bernie Sanders endorsed Hillary Clinton.

Tue, 07/19/16

Joke Day: #3624

From: 07/12/16
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 24/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Today, Bernie Sanders officially endorsed Hillary Clinton at a rally in New Hampshire. Hillary said she’s glad Bernie is behind her 100 percent, then Bernie said, “Let’s just start off with 1 percent.”

Bernie Sanders gave a speech where he endorsed Hillary Clinton, effectively ending his campaign. When asked what he'll do next, Bernie was like, "Live my dream and be a contestant on 'The Bachelorette'!"

Before giving his endorsement, Bernie Sanders noted that Hillary only has 389 more pledged delegates than him going into the convention. Then he said, "But I, on the other hand, have caught 400 more Pokémon!"

The L.A. Times just revealed that Bill Clinton has demanded private jets to get to speaking engagements. In their defense, Bill and Hillary need private jets 'cuz they’re the only planes that can fit ALL of their baggage.

The Washington Times is now reporting that Indiana Gov. Mike Pence has a 95 percent chance of being Donald Trump’s pick for vice president. I’m not saying Chris Christie’s upset, but he was last seen at the top of the Empire State Building swatting at planes.

Conan O'Brien

Bernie Sanders' endorsement of Hillary Clinton has angered many of his supporters. Many of them are threatening to not vote for her when they don’t vote in November.

The game Pokémon Go is actually making people visit remote, potentially dangerous areas. On the bright side, they finally found a way to get people to attend the Rio Olympics.

Bill Cosby has hired a woman to be his lead attorney. She says she doesn’t know how she got the job, she just woke up and there it was.

This morning, Bernie Sanders endorsed Hillary Clinton. So, as promised, this afternoon, the Clinton campaign released Bernie Sanders' wife.

The Holocaust Museum in Washington, D.C. has had to ask visitors to stop coming there to catch Pokémon characters because they say it’s inappropriate. The players said, "We’re so sorry, can you direct us to the Vietnam Memorial?"

Over the weekend, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said that Donald Trump "says whatever comes into his head." To which Trump responded, "That is not true, clambucket pencil raft!"

Gay Republicans are pushing for pro-LGBT language in the GOP platform. In response, the GOP said, "Not gonna happen, girlfriend."

Wed, 07/20/16

Joke Day: #3625

From: 07/13/16

Top of Page   Joke: 25/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

It’s being reported that Donald Trump’s list of running mates is now down to just two people! And they are Chris Christie.

In a recent interview, Jeb Bush compared Donald Trump to the Kardashians, saying, quote, “The Kardashians wouldn’t exist if we didn’t enjoy watching them.” When asked who his favorite Kardashian is, Jeb said, “Rob – 'cuz he’s the brother nobody wants to talk about.”

Elizabeth Warren has been invited to give an address on the first night of the Democratic Convention. Hillary Clinton will give the address on the final night — and Bernie Sanders will be given the wrong address so that he misses the convention entirely.

The Pokémon craze just seems to be getting bigger. In fact, I read that even members of Congress have been trying to catch Pokémon in the U.S. Capitol. Meanwhile, Pokémon were like, “Oh my God — I just caught a congressman at WORK!”

Conan O'Brien

People are already describing themselves as being seriously addicted to Pokémon Go. The problem is, when they check into the rehab facility the first thing they see are two Pikachus and a Jigglypuff.

A man in Oregon got stabbed while playing Pokémon Go and refused medical treatment in order to keep playing. He leaves a wife, two kids, and six Squirtles.

There are some nursing homes in New York that are allowing elderly residents to have sex. There’s also a new trend the next morning at nursing homes known as the "Shuffle of Shame."

For his running mate, Donald Trump says he’s looking for someone with experience in areas he doesn’t have. So right now Trump is looking for someone who can run a profitable casino.

The Republican Party is coming out strongly against online pornography. Man, they really do not want to win this election.

A restaurant in China forces customers to solve complex math problems before they can order their meal. The restaurant has no plans to expand to the United States.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

When asked about Bernie Sanders' endorsement of Hillary Clinton, Clinton's campaign manager told reports that the two actually had a fairly easy time in determining Sanders' role in the campaign. Bernie will be in charge of translating her speeches for the hearing impaired.

Pundits are saying that new British prime minister, Theresa May, is following in the footsteps of Margaret Thatcher, known as "The Iron Lady," with some in the media calling May "dull as porridge," "extremely dependable," and "not humorous." Said Hillary Clinton, "Ugh, I would kill for reviews that good."

Players of the popular Pokémon Go smartphone game are reporting problems in South Korea, where mapping apps are restricted. Meanwhile, players in North Korea are reporting problems capturing a really angry Jigglypuff.