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Joke of the Day

Day # Range: 3576 - 3600

Date Range: 05/20/16 - 06/20/16

Newest Jokes at Bottom

Tue, 05/17/16

Joke Day: #3576

From: 05/20/16

Top of Page   Joke: 01/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump are starting to really go at it. This week Hillary criticized Trump's behavior, saying that when you run for president, the rest of the world is watching. While the rest of the world was like, “Yeah, and we're loving this!”

While at a rally with Chris Christie in New Jersey yesterday, Donald Trump said, “If you can make it in New Jersey, you can do just about anything you want in life.” Then Trump looked at Christie and said, “Well, except be President.”

A new poll found that 90 percent of Native Americans aren't bothered by the controversial name of the Washington Redskins. It turns out the name Native Americans dislike the most is still the Cowboys.

The Centers for Disease Control issued a new report that 80 percent of hot tubs inspected in 2013 had at least one violation. Which reminds me, “The Bachelorette” premieres this Monday on ABC!

Wed, 05/18/16

Joke Day: #3577

From: 05/23/16

Top of Page   Joke: 02/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

It's reported that Donald Trump may have actually done business with the mob ... even has ties to an ex-convict named Joey No Socks. When asked about his relationship with Trump, Joey No Socks said, "That's between me and Donny Three Wives."

There was a brief security scare yesterday when some party balloons drifted over the White House fence. The White House staff were pretty worried, especially when they saw Obama tying those balloons to a lawn chair.

Saturday was the 141st running of the Preakness, and it was won by a horse named Exaggerator. Apparently, he won just by promising to make horse racing great again.

Italian chefs recently set a new world record after making a mile-long pizza that took five ovens and over 11 hours to bake. It got weird when the person who ordered the pizza was like, "Ooh, I said no pepperoni."

Conan O'Brien

Donald Trump tweeted that a Hillary Clinton presidency would be "four more years of stupidity." As opposed to a Trump presidency, which would be one year of stupidity followed by three years of war with Mexico.

Hillary Clinton’s new campaign slogan is "Stronger Together." Which replaces her old slogan, "Goddammit, It’s My Turn!"

A new study has found that beautiful people have totally different life experiences from the rest of you. I’m sorry, I meant the rest of us.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

The NRA on Friday endorsed Donald Trump for president. I guess that reaffirms their commitment to absolutely zero background checks.

The White House went into lockdown yesterday after several balloons drifted onto the property. Even worse, Bernie Sanders' house was attached to them.

A new poll shows that almost half of registered voters say they would consider a third-party candidate as an alternative to Hillary Clinton or Donald Trump. A third-party candidate is a little bit like a Tinder date. You think to yourself, what have I got to lose? Can't be worse than my ex.

Papa John's salads were among several hundred products recalled for listeria contamination this weekend. Said a spokesman for Papa John's, "We have salads?"

New research suggests that dinosaurs may have had lips. It's called a Kyliesaurus.

Thu, 05/19/16

Joke Day: #3578

From: Coming Soon

Top of Page   Joke: 03/25

From 05/24/16

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

It’s been reported that the head of security for the TSA has been officially removed from his position. That’s right, he was told to turn in his badge, his uniform, his shoes, his belt, his keys, bottles over 4 ounces, his laptop, and any coins in his pockets. (I repeat! There should be NOTHING IN HIS POCKETS!)

I saw that today, Donald Trump held a big rally in New Mexico. Which is weird, since he’s spent his whole campaign promising to ban NEW Mexicans.

Trump criticized Hillary Clinton over the weekend, claiming that her views are “just words” read off a teleprompter. But Hillary denied it, saying, “I’ve had these speeches memorized since I was six.”

Helen Hunt posted a photo on Twitter to show that her Starbucks barista wrote “Jody” on her cup because she thought she was Jodie Foster. Meanwhile, Jodie Foster is still at that same Starbucks going, “Where the hell is my damn coffee? What is TAKING so long?!”

Bernie said yesterday that his critics call him “Santa Claus” because of his white hair. Then Santa said, “Yeah — even I don’t promise people THAT much free stuff.”

Conan O'Brien

Donald Trump is now ahead of Hillary Clinton in the polls. This was reported today in The Washington Post, and 2,000 years ago in the Book of Revelation.

Donald Trump is holding his first-ever campaign fundraiser but says he’s only doing it because the Republican Party asked him to. Yeah. Trump thought he should do this for the Republican Party, since he turned down their first request: Don’t be our candidate.

A recent survey found that Donald Trump is polling very badly among Asian-Americans. After hearing this, Trump said, “That’s odd, I haven’t even gotten around to insulting them yet. I got great material on them.”

Troubling news for Hillary Clinton. The FBI says as part of its investigation of Hillary Clinton’s emails, it may call her in to speak to them. No word yet on how much Hillary’s planning to charge. Could be as much as three grand, $300,000.

The security chief of the TSA has been fired. He’s been told to expect long lines at the unemployment line. Get there three hours early, take off your belt, your shoes.

The Centers for Disease Control reports that 80 percent of public swimming pools they investigated have health and safety violations. 80 percent! The study concluded with “enjoy your Memorial Day weekend.”

The Late Late Show with James Corden

Yesterday, a North Korean official turned down an offer by Donald Trump to visit the country and meet with Kim Jong Un, saying the offer is “propaganda” and “nonsense.” This doesn’t make Trump look good. You know you’re in trouble when the leader of North Korea is like, “I can’t associate myself with that guy.”

Trump got turned down for a meeting with Kim Jong Un. So I guess his search for a vice president isn’t going so well. Seriously, how do you get denied by North Korea?

A study by the Pew Research Center determined that more millennials between the ages of 18 and 34 are living with their parents than at any other point in history. Millennials were happy to take the poll, while their parents were proud of them for finishing the poll.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Bernie Sanders today campaigned in California just a few miles from Disneyland. Either that, or Grumpy was on a lunch break.

In an interview last night, Bernie Sanders talked about the chaotic primary season, saying, “Democracy is messy. Every day my life is messy.” Which is exactly the kind of comment you’d expect from a guy who always looks like he just rolled down a hill.

An Australian man is making headlines after he started treating an abandoned shopping cart as his son, naming it Trevor and giving it a pair of sneakers. Even sadder, he already had a son named Trevor.

Actor Shia LaBeouf has started hitchhiking around Colorado as part of a performance art piece he is calling #TakeMeAnywhere. Unfortunately for LaBeouf, everyone just keeps taking him back to the airport.

Fri, 05/20/16

Joke Day: #3579

From: 05/25/16
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 04/25

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Trump won a primary last night. He got 76 percent. Kasich got 9.8 percent. Somehow Kasich is doing better since he dropped out.

There's a movement online, a hashtag, called #GiveCaptainAmericaABoyfriend. They want Marvel Comics to make Captain America gay. I wouldn't be surprised if he already is. Have you met a straight guy in this shape?

His body does not represent my America. Captain America should be fat. When I am vice president, my first order of business will be to force Captain America to gain 30 pounds.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

The latest NBC/Wall Street Journal poll has found that Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton have nearly opposite results with rural voters compared to urban voters, with Clinton leading Trump by 25 percent in cities, and Trump beating Clinton by 31 percent in places where he wouldn’t be caught dead.

At a rally in California yesterday, Bernie Sanders said that if he winds up being the Democratic nominee, “Donald Trump is toast.” Incidentally, “toast” is also what Donald Trump’s tanning bed is set to.

The Taliban has named a new leader this week after their former leader was killed in a drone strike over the weekend. It’s the only job interview where the correct answer to “Where do you see yourself in five years?” is “I don’t.”

President Obama signed legislation this week that replaced the term “Eskimo” in all federal laws with the phrase “Alaska Native.” “Fine, I’ll have seven Alaska Native pies,” said Chris Christie.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

The Trump campaign is about to launch a secret plan to attack Hillary Clinton over the Whitewater scandal from the ’90s. We know he's going to do this because they accidentally emailed the secret plan to a reporter. Which means that, shockingly, Hillary Clinton might be the candidate who’s second worst while using email.

The State Department finally released their report on her use of a private email server. They found that she did not ask permission, and if she had, the answer would have been no. Which is one of the top reasons to not ask permission, by the way.

Even when you do give Hillary Clinton a clear "no," what she hears is, "Try again in eight years."

Sat, 05/21/16

Joke Day: #3580

From: 05/25/16
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 05/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

It is Fleet Week here in New York City. Or as civilian men call it, “No Luck on Tinder Week.”

Fleet Week is when members of the Navy do the bravest thing they’ve ever done: wear all white on the New York City subway.

Over 4,000 service members come to New York City during Fleet Week. So if you see a lot of people happy to be off a giant ship, they’re either sailors or they just got off a Carnival Cruise.

One of the events for Fleet Week is the “Parade of Ships” along the Hudson River. That's one more reason we love you guys — you found a way to have a parade in New York City that doesn't screw up traffic!

A new study found that students who learn without any shoes on get better grades than students who wear shoes. Then the University of Phoenix Online said, “Just think how well you'd learn without PANTS on!"

Conan O'Brien

A new government report reveals that Hillary Clinton ignored the State Department rules about cybersecurity. The report states that Hillary’s recklessness, arrogance, and defiance could get her the Republican presidential nomination.

Yesterday, a female judge ruled that Bill Cosby must stand trial. Cosby said to the judge, "Can we talk about this over a drink?"

Chairman of the Republican National Committee Reince Priebus blasted Hillary Clinton on Twitter for using "bad judgment." Priebus said, "I haven’t seen judgment this bad since my parents named me Reince Priebus."

Donald Trump is floating another conspiracy theory which suggests that Hillary Clinton is a murderer. Today Bill Clinton said, "Trust me, if that lady could kill, I would not be alive."

Several former contestants from the show "The Biggest Loser" are suing the show for abuse. The contestants said, "We were completely unprepared for being mistreated when we signed up to be on a show called 'The Biggest Loser.'"

The extremist militant religious group the Taliban has appointed a new leader. So congratulations, Ted Cruz!

The Late Late Show with James Corden

The electronics company LG identified a new phenomenon called low-battery anxiety. People become nervous, distracted, and frustrated when their phones are about to die. If you are not familiar with low-battery anxiety, it's a real condition that primarily affects people with no actual problems.

According to a survey, a third of people will drop everything to go and charge their phone. Like what, is there a doctor in the middle of surgery and he's like, "I need to split, guys, I'm at 5 percent. Ted, where you at, at 20? Cool, can you put a heart in this guy?"

Sun, 05/22/16

Joke Day: #3581

From: 05/26/16
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 06/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

After Hillary Clinton declined to debate Bernie Sanders this month, there's now talk that Bernie might debate Donald Trump. No word on what the debate will be on, but I'm guessing mute.

Donald Trump's campaign accidentally sent a reporter an email with details about how Trump was going to attack Hillary Clinton. Or as Trump put it, "Wow, another Hillary email scandal. Sad.”

A new survey asked Americans which candidate they'd want to sit next to on a plane and 37 percent chose Donald Trump. Meanwhile, the other 63 percent missed their flight waiting in the TSA line.

When Trump heard that, he was like, "What does 'sit next to someone on a plane' mean? Did their private jet break, or something?"

It's being reported the Obama family is planning to move into a nine-bedroom mansion in Washington, D.C., after the president leaves office. I guess he wants to be close enough to drive by the White House every morning and shout, "Sucks, doesn't it?”

Jimmy Kimmel Live

The Secret Service had to sweep our building for the second day today. I've had so many pat-downs this week, one of the Secret Service guys told me to get checked because I had a lump.

Bernie Sanders needs a big win in the California primary. Right now he and Hillary Clinton are in a dead heat. Not so great. Older people sometimes die in the heat.

It would be pretty crazy if he somehow wins this thing. On his first day in office, my vision of him on day one is him stacking up all the money on Wall Street and burning it like the Joker in "The Dark Knight."

The Department of Defense is using computers from the '70s for the system they use to authenticate the launch of nuclear weapons. If anything went wrong, we'd have to call in Matthew Broderick. If he's in the middle of a show, how long will it take?

Mon, 05/23/16

Joke Day: #3582

From: 05/26/16
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 07/25

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Donald Trump, today, officially clinched the Republican nomination, which means he's one step closer to moving into the smallest house he's ever lived in.

President Obama today spoke at the G7 summit in Japan. Bernie Sanders was like, "G7?! Bingo!"

A city in South Wales is on alert following reports that local sheep may have consumed marijuana from an illegal grow operation and have begun breaking into homes. So if you live in Wales, be sure to lock up your Doritos.

Beverage maker Capri Sun has announced that it will be releasing an all-new line of organic juice pouches. No word on how it tastes, because nobody's been able to get the straw into one yet.

The Huffington Post has put out a new article on a Chinese factory that makes Donald Trump masks. And now Eric and Donald Jr. take turns wearing it and saying, "I love you, son.”

It's being reported that a surgeon in Nebraska successfully completed three heart transplants in 34 hours last month. The doctor was like, "Hey, three out of 10 ain't bad."

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

This is a crazy election. But, of course, you know that, unless you have been in a coma. And if you were in a coma, you might want to slip back in for the next six months.

Hillary Clinton has said she absolutely will not be debating Bernie Sanders anymore. So today, Trump announced that he will debate Bernie Sanders. Two angry New Yorkers shouting at each other — it'll be like the whole country is trapped in a subway car!

Immediately after Trump offered to debate him, Bernie responded by tweeting, "Game on." Sounds like he's accepting, but he is an old guy, so he might have just been trying to tell the computer to open solitaire. Not entirely sure.

Now, Trump did put one condition on the debate: raise $10-$15 million for women’s health issues. I'm guessing, "The Donald Trump Foundation for Women Who Aren't Anywhere Near a '10,' They're Like a '5' Tops."

Tue, 05/24/16

Joke Day: #3583

From: 05/27/16

Top of Page   Joke: 08/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Memorial Day weekend: the unofficial start of summer and the official start of people thinking they look good in shorts.

AAA reports that more than 38 million Americans will travel at least 50 miles from their home this weekend. The number of dads who actually will turn this car around: still zero.

Donald Trump issued a statement saying he will not debate Bernie Sanders. For a while, it was looking like they were going to go ahead with it. They even started negotiating the rules. The one thing they both agreed on: no ceiling fans.

The company that makes products for Apple and Samsung in Asia has reportedly replaced 60,000 factory workers with robots. Just to keep it authentic, they're all child robots.

The Scripps National Spelling Bee was last night on ESPN. I watched it, and ESPN was the only word all night I knew how to spell.

One of the winners of this year's national spelling bee has an older brother who won the competition in 2014. Or as their dad put it, "I'm just going to throw these baseball mitts away."

Wed, 05/25/16

Joke Day: #3584

From: 06/07/16

Top of Page   Joke: 09/25

President Eishenower on workers

Thu, 05/26/16

Joke Day: #3585

From: 06/06/16

Top of Page   Joke: 10/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Last night, the Golden State Warriors beat the Cavaliers by 33 points in Game 2 of the NBA Finals. Yeah, 33 points! Even people switching over from "Game of Thrones" were like, "This is brutal!"

I saw that before tonight’s game, members of Metallica performed “The Star-Spangled Banner.” Yeah, hockey and Metallica — even Donald Trump was like, "That's too white."

Bernie Sanders campaigned in California yesterday ahead of the state's Democratic primary, and even checked out the famous carousel at the Santa Monica Pier. But it got a little awkward when the music stopped and Bernie still wouldn't admit that the ride was over. “This is gonna be a contested carousel!”

After weeks of hesitation, Paul Ryan finally endorsed Donald Trump for president on Thursday. When asked what influenced his decision, Ryan said, “Xanax. Lots and lots of Xanax.”

Conan O'Brien

A new poll found that Donald Trump’s recent outrageous comments might cost him the state of Florida. You know things are bad when a candidate is considered "too crazy for Florida."

Burger King has merged a Whopper with a burrito to make a Whopperito. So take note, Donald Trump: THAT’S how you Make America Great Again!

Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson said that he might run for president of the United States later on down the line. When they heard, the Republican Party asked him, "Can you start tomorrow?"

Tomorrow is the California primary. Analysts say it’s make or break for Bernie Sanders. Either Bernie wins and he keeps going or he loses and he keeps going.

Last week, a 90-year-old letter to Santa Claus was found in a chimney. On the bright side, the 96-year-old who wrote the letter is still alive and finally got that tricycle.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

According to a new poll, a majority of Americans say they would not sleep with Donald Trump for $1 million. Well, of course, nobody sleeps with him for $1 million.

Donald Trump is continuing to draw criticism for his claims that Judge Gonzalo Curiel's Mexican heritage makes him unfit to preside over a lawsuit against Trump University, despite the fact that Curiel was born and raised in Indiana. And when Trump found that out, he said, "Oh, no, he's an Indian, too?"

Donald Trump is also attracting criticism after he singled out a black supporter at a rally on Friday and told the crowd, "Look at my African-American," which is clearly racist, but also, he should know his name by now.

While campaigning in California, ahead of tomorrow's primary, Bernie Sanders yesterday stopped at a Los Angeles bar popular among the LGBT community. Said Sanders, "No! I said I wanted a BLT! What's the 'G' for? It better not be guacamole because that costs an arm and a leg."

Fri, 06/10/16

Joke Day: #3586

From: 06/07/16
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 11/25

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Hillary Clinton today responded to her status as the presumptive nominee, calling it a “historic, unprecedented moment.” Said Hillary, “Never in my wildest dreams did I think it would take this long.”

It is being reported that Ivanka Trump is writing a book titled “Women Who Work: Rewriting the Rules of Success.” Which is better than the original title, “Help! My Dad’s a Nectarine!”

President Obama yesterday called the Denver Broncos one of the greatest defenses of all time. “Wow, thanks!” said the Army.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

It looks like the general election will come down to Hillary Clinton versus Donald Trump. Which is fitting, really, since she'll be the first female nominee of her party, and he'll be his party's last nominee.

The Clinton folks aren't happy about the media jumping the gun on her clinching it. She wanted to announce that at her victory really tonight, so when she does announce, everyone please act like you didn't see this coming.

Sat, 06/11/16

Joke Day: #3587

From: 06/07/16
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 12/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

It's being reported that Hillary Clinton now has enough delegates to secure the Democratic nomination. Hillary was so excited when she found out she asked her staff to schedule 15 seconds of smiling.

Hillary told her assistant to break out the champagne. And he said, "Actually you drank it all when Trump secured his nomination. Do you remember that?"

Hillary had to reach the threshold of 2,383 delegates to become the presumptive nominee. Hillary hasn't been this excited about a threshold since the one she carried Bill over on their wedding night.

Paul Ryan said what Trump is saying about a judge of Mexican heritage is the "textbook definition" of a racist comment. Even worse, that textbook is made by Trump University.

Kylie Jenner recently posted a Snapchat video of herself giving two little boys $100 for just two cups of lemonade. Nobody has paid that much for lemonade since Jay Z.

Conan O'Brien

Today, presidential primaries are being held in California, Montana, New Jersey, New Mexico, North Dakota, and South Dakota. Or, as it’s being reported in the media, California.

House Speaker Paul Ryan described Donald Trump’s remarks about a Hispanic judge as a "textbook definition" of racism. When they heard this, Trump supporters said, "You lost us at 'textbook.'"

Congresswoman Nancy Pelosi said it would be great if Hillary Clinton picked a female running mate. She said it during a speech entitled "Hint Hint."

"Today Show" host Savannah Guthrie’s skipping the Olympics in Rio because she’s pregnant and worried about the Zika virus. In a related story, Bob Costas just announced he is pregnant.

The Late Late Show with James Corden

It took the grandparents a long time to realize their mistake. During the car ride home, they even gave the kid a Happy Meal. Pretty good, if you're that kid. I bet he was like, "Uh, being kidnapped is not that bad!"

Police were investigating a crime scene in Vancouver, when a crow flew down, grabbed a knife in its beak, and flew away with a key piece of evidence. I've got to say, the marketing for this "Angry Birds" movie is getting out of control.

The story just sounds like a bad lie from a cop who really messed up. "Oh, the murder weapon? Yeah . . . a bird took it."

Sun, 06/12/16

Joke Day: #3588

From: 06/08/16
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 13/25

Late Night With Seth Meyers

It's official now, Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump have both clinched the nomination for their respective parties. Which means we could be looking at our first female president or our last president.

Hillary Clinton told supporters last night that her status as the Democratic nominee is thanks to the generations who struggled and sacrificed before her. "You're welcome," said Bernie Sanders.

Despite Hillary Clinton clinching the Democratic nomination, Bernie Sanders vowed to stay in the race and told supporters in Los Angeles that the struggle continues. The struggle to understand math?

In a prepared speech last night, Donald Trump told supporters he is going to take care of our African-American people. Though, I don't think he should have added, "Once and for all."

An Oklahoma woman was arrested for attempting to have her kids blow into her car's breathalyzer so that she could drive drunk. Even worse, her kids failed.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

Hillary Clinton became the first female candidate of a major party. It was an incredible moment 240 years in the making, because I believe that's when the election began

Last night was also a big one for Donald Trump, who destroyed his competition in every state where he had no competition.

And last night he shocked the world when he gave his victory speech using a teleprompter. A teleprompter. This from a guy who got this far by shouting whatever comes into his mind. Trump using a teleprompter is like the Flash calling an Uber, Aquaman taking a ferry, or Bernie Sanders using a comb.

Canada is changing the lyrics to its national anthem. Apparently, Canadians felt the original anthem didn't have enough apologies in it. This is true. A bill to make the change passed in Canada's congress, or whatever they call it up there — parliament or "law igloo." I'm not entirely sure.

Mon, 06/13/16

Joke Day: #3589

From: 06/08/16
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 14/25

Conan O'Brien

In the general election, Donald Trump plans on painting Hillary Clinton as money-grubbing and unethical. Meanwhile, Hillary Clinton plans on painting Donald Trump as Donald Trump.

Bernie Sanders is vowing to stay in the race until the Democratic convention. He says he owes it all to his supporters, who need something to do until Burning Man.

Two new government studies report that America's obesity problem is getting worse. Both studies came with a Happy Meal.

In an interview, Donald Trump said he won't have to ask God for "much forgiveness." Unless, of course, God turns out to be a Mexican woman who's a Muslim.

It's being reported that Bernie Sanders is planning on cutting half of his campaign staff. Bernie said, "I'm saving money by only keeping the most delusional."

Jimmy Kimmel Live

You know who could use "Ghostbusters" right now? Hillary Clinton. She's still being haunted by a spooky ghost named Bernie.

Even though Hillary has more votes and delegates and superdelegates and states, Bernie Sanders still isn't giving up. He says he will continue to fight. He's like one of those old Japanese guys on an island who thinks the war is still going on.

How many of you voted only so you could take the selfie with the "I Voted" sticker?

Snoop Dogg was in San Diego today. He's on my list to be secretary of agriculture. The Padres asked him to throw out the first pitch at the game, and it went just about exactly how you might expect it to go. Very high and outside.

Tue, 06/14/16

Joke Day: #3590

From: 06/09/16
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 15/25

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Bernie Sanders met with President Obama at the White House today to discuss the status of the Democratic race. Though I'm not sure Bernie is getting the hint because he arrived at the meeting in a U-Haul.

Donald Trump's campaign staff is reportedly worried that Trump will suddenly announce his vice presidential pick online without consulting with his advisers. Said Trump, "Well, it's not like I can just call him."

Officials in San Diego recently discovered a large stash of marijuana hidden in a chemical tanker. Officials first became suspicious after noticing a chemical tanker in their 15-year-old son's bedroom.

A Virginia man recently found an outline of what looks like Donald Trump in one of his bathroom tiles. Of course, at one point or another we've all found something in our bathroom that looks like Donald Trump.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

A lot of people want Hillary to pick Elizabeth Warren [as her running mate]. And Warren is already out there attacking Donald Trump. Just today she told a crowd, "Donald Trump is a loud, nasty, thin-skinned fraud." That is just wrong. There's no way that stuff covering his face is skin.

Meanwhile, Trump says that he's narrowed his list of candidates down to four or five. Though, if it's a woman, she'll definitely be a 10.

Today Bernie Sanders had a private meeting in the White House with President Obama, which was fitting since they're both beloved political figures who are just a few months away from not being president.

Wed, 06/15/16

Joke Day: #3591

From: 06/09/16
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 16/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

President Barack Obama is here tonight, which means even he can’t score tickets to “Hamilton.”

The president has a lot going on as he wraps up his term in office, including the construction of his presidential library in Chicago. It will be a place devoted entirely to Obama and his achievements — or as that’s also known, MSNBC.

So much has happened during President Obama's administration. Obamacare was passed. Same-sex marriage was legalized. He worked with 11 other countries to sign the historic Trans-Pacific Partnership. Whereas Donald Trump just walked around Epcot and insulted every country.

The co-founder of Home Depot recently announced that he is supporting Donald Trump. He wasn't planning to, but when your colors are orange and white, you kind of have to go with Donald.

Conan O'Brien

Hillary Clinton said yesterday that she would like to see the FBI investigation of her emails wrapped up. Hillary then said, "Or deleted, whatever is easiest."

Bernie Sanders had a meeting at the White House. He just had a meeting there. He's not going to live there.

After his meeting at the White House, Bernie Sanders said he's going to do everything he can to "make sure that Donald Trump does not become president of the United States." Bernie said, "I'm even willing to make Hillary my vice president."

Arnold Schwarzenegger is siding with the judge in the Trump University fraud case. Arnold said he took a speech class at Trump University and wants his money back.

Oprah Winfrey's talk show is coming to an end. It's been revealed that a 30-second ad for the final episode of Oprah's talk show will cost $1 million. In other words, the only person who can afford to buy an ad on Oprah's last show is Oprah.

Thu, 06/16/16

Joke Day: #3592

From: 06/14/16
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 17/25

The Late Late Show with James Corden

Today is Donald Trump's birthday! Trump may have turned 70, but his views about women are 150 years old.

I imagine it's tough to get Trump a gift. What do you get the man who hates everything?

At his party, they had cake, they had party favors, and they played some really fun games, like "Pin the bad economy on the Obama."

The best part is, they didn't have to hire a clown.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

President Obama gave a speech this afternoon in which he angrily called out Republicans for being too obsessed with his refusal to use the term "radical Islam" — or as Fox News reported it, "Angry Black Man Spotted Talking About Radical Islam Near Capitol Building."

Happy birthday to Donald Trump, who turns 70 years old today. And this is cool — so did his views on immigration.

Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders met privately this evening. So privately even Bernie didn't know.

A recent study found that 67% of gamers will miss sleep in order to keep playing video games. They would even miss sex if that were an option.

Fri, 06/17/16

Joke Day: #3593

From: 06/14/16
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 18/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

There was a big upset in the NBA Finals last night. That’s right, the Cavs beat the Warriors in Game Five, and LeBron James and Kyrie Irving each scored 41 points. Irving said he was just trying to help the team — then LeBron said, "Just don’t let it happen again.”

Donald Trump celebrated his 70th birthday today. And I guess instead of blowing out his candles, he just insulted them until they put themselves out. “You’re too hot! You smell like wax! You’re the worst part of this cake!”

Sunday’s episode of “Keeping Up With the Kardashians” revealed that Kim, Khloe, and Kourtney found out Rob was engaged to Blac Chyna by reading it online. In Rob’s defense, that’s also how the Kardashians find out they’re even in the same room together.

I read that a NASA spacecraft, “Juno,” that launched in 2011 is scheduled to arrive at Jupiter in July to take pictures of the planet. When asked what kind of camera it brought, Juno was like, “Crap!”

Conan O'Brien

In a speech, Donald Trump said thousands of people in the United States are "sick with hate." Then Trump said, "I’d like to thank them for their support."

Donald Trump has called for a ban on all immigration to the United States. Of course, Trump said the ban would be lifted if he ever needs a new wife.

Today is Donald Trump’s 70th birthday. For the occasion, Donald Trump’s friends got together and said, "Wait — why are we friends with Donald Trump?"

Two thieves stole $16,000 worth of iPhones from a New York Apple store by dressing as Apple "Geniuses." Police are on the lookout for two "Actual Geniuses."

Bernie Sanders is set to meet with Hillary Clinton this evening. Bernie said the meeting will give Hillary one last opportunity to bow out gracefully.

Sat, 06/18/16

Joke Day: #3594

From: 06/15/16
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 19/25

Late Night With Seth Meyers

The latest polls show Hillary Clinton now leads Donald Trump by 12 points nationally. I guess she's getting some traction from her new slogan, "Come with me, if you want to live."

GOP Sen. Tim Scott yesterday walked out of a press scrum and hid on the Senate floor to avoid questions about Donald Trump. That's how much senators don't want to talk about Trump. They're actually showing up in the Senate.

A European perfume company has released a series of "Star Wars" themed scents called Empire, Jedi, and Amidala. It's the perfect cologne for what is almost certainly your first date.

Actor Charlie Sheen has announced he will be the official spokesman for a new Swedish brand of condoms, 'cause nothing gets your girlfriend more excited for sex than saying, "It's the kind Charlie Sheen uses."

Former Republican presidential candidate Herman Cain said in a speech today that he feels Donald Trump is not a racist. Said Trump, "Thank you, Ben Carson."

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

Last night, the last primary was held in Washington, D.C. The primaries being over reminds me what my brother used to say when I was a kid: "I'm going to keep punching you in the face but it will feel so good when it's over."

It is now being reported that the Democratic National Committee was hacked by the Russians. Hey, maybe they know where Hillary's emails are.

While they were in the DNC cyber matrix, the Russians apparently stole opposition research on Donald Trump. Russia, what are you doing? If you want damaging information about Donald Trump, just wait for him to talk.

The British are about to vote on whether to exit the European Union. They call it the Brexit, which, in America, of course is the meal between breakfast and exiting breakfast.

Sun, 06/19/16

Joke Day: #3595

From: 06/15/16
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 20/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

According to the Social Security Administration, the most popular baby names in 2016 are Noah and Emma. Least popular baby names? Donald and Hillary.

According to a political science professor, all of Donald Trump's speeches are given at a fifth-grade level or below. And today Trump said the professor who did the study was a doody head.

Bernie Sanders is still not conceding. Bernie says he is the most anti-fossil fuel of any of the candidates. Well of course he is, that's 'cause he's the only candidate who is an actual fossil.

Bernie Sanders is still upset because he says his fundraising dinners didn't raise as much money as Hillary Clinton's. Well, of course they didn't. Nobody wants to eat dinner at 4:00 in the afternoon.

During an interview last week, Bernie Sanders admitted to smoking marijuana as a young man. He said it impaired his perception and distorted his thinking but he expects that to clear up eventually.

Conan O'Brien

In Virginia recently, a computer crash wiped out a decade's worth of U.S. military data. However, this morning, the Chinese government called and said no problem, we backed it up.

Yale University's being pushed to modify a poetry course because students have complained that the content is too white. Students objected specifically to a poem called "Ode to a Lost Prius in the Whole Foods Parking Lot."

The FDA has approved a device for weight loss that sucks the food out of your stomach through an abdominal incision. Or, you could just try a salad some time.

Mon, 06/20/16

Joke Day: #3596

From: 06/16/16
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 21/25

Jimmy Kimmel Live

The DNC accused Russian hackers [of stealing its opposition research on Trump], and Trump is accusing the DNC of leaking it. Accusing the other party of leaking it is like accusing McDonald's of leaking McNuggets.

Trump said much of the information is false. And if people want to read hundreds of pages of false information about him, they should go to his Twitter page where he writes it himself.

Donald Trump said he would, unlike previous presidents, sit down and meet with Kim Jong Un to make a kind of deal but only on U.S. soil. I don't think that will work. I think they should meet but somewhere neutral, like at a Supercuts.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Today is the one-year anniversary of Donald Trump's announcement that he would run for president. It's hard to believe it was only one year ago that Democrats were worried about Jeb Bush.

A Georgia man is facing charges after he tried to enter a Waffle House completely naked. Ugh. Can you imagine? Walking into a Waffle House barefoot?

In a new poll, 35% of Americans say they think Donald Trump will be elected president in November. They also said, "Now if you'll excuse me, I need to finish packing."

Authorities are warning people to avoid swimming in some New Jersey rivers because of increased numbers of so-called clinging jellyfish. Though if you're swimming in New Jersey rivers, you're probably not big on warnings.

Tue, 06/21/16

Joke Day: #3597

From: 06/16/16
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 22/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Former Republican candidate Herman Cain said that one of the biggest lies about Donald Trump is that he is a racist. Then Trump was like, "Thank you, Jay Z. Give my best to your wife, Oprah."

One of Trump's big supporters, New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie, is having a rough week. Lawyers working on the Bridgegate investigation claim that Christie destroyed evidence connecting him to the scandal, including a cellphone. Christie said he had no idea where the cellphone was, then his stomach started ringing.

The FDA says it found "serious health violations" at some Whole Foods stores and actually sent Whole Foods a warning letter. In response, Whole Foods shredded the letter, mixed it with some kale, and is now selling it for $18 a pound.

Kim Kardashian appears nude on the current cover of "GQ," with the headline "Kim as you've never seen her." Which I can only assume means in a library?

Conan O'Brien

Donald Trump says, if elected, he is willing to “accept” a visit by Kim Jong Un. Kim Jong Un said, "No, thanks, that guy’s crazy."

One year ago today, Donald Trump announced he was running for president as he rode down an escalator. And our country’s been going down that escalator ever since.

Oprah has endorsed Hillary Clinton for president. When asked about Hillary’s chances of becoming the most powerful woman in the world, Oprah said, "Oh, I’m not stepping down."

Oscar winner Helen Mirren confirmed that she will be appearing in the eighth "Fast and Furious" film. She’ll be playing a respected actress who needs the money.

Wed, 06/22/16

Joke Day: #3598

From: 06/17/16

Top of Page   Joke: 23/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

This Sunday is Father's Day and it's also Game 7 of the NBA Finals, the final round of the U.S. Open, and a new episode of "Game of Thrones." Kids were like, "We're going spend the whole day bringing you beers, aren't we?" And you go, "Yeah, yeah."

Mark Zuckerberg is celebrating his first Father's Day this Sunday. Mark can be the one dad who's actually excited to get a boring sweatshirt and a mousepad.

Some male celebrities, like Kanye West and Justin Bieber, are wearing ripped jeans that cost up to $900. Or as dads with only one old pair of jeans put it, "Well, look who's just as cool as Kanye Bieber."

A naked restaurant is opening in Japan next month, but apparently they’re banning customers who are overweight, over 60-years-old, or have tattoos. They said the last thing they want at their naked restaurant is a bunch of weirdos.

The Late Late Show with James Corden

Microsoft has purchased a networking website LinkedIn for $26.2 billion. For those of you who don't know, LinkedIn is a website that helps you find a job. Although, I guess none of you know since you are watching a TV show in the middle of the night on a Thursday. So you probably don't have a job.

Microsoft purchased LinkedIn for $26 billion. In other words, that's $1 for every LinkedIn invitation you deleted from your in box. But I'm going to say this, if bothering you with constant annoying e-mails is worth $26.2 billion, my grandparents should be trillionaires.

Harley-Davidson announced this week that they plan to introduce quieter electric powered motorcycles within the next five years. Get ready to see motorcycle gangs brawling over who gets to plug in at the outlet outside a biker bar first.

Thu, 06/23/16

Joke Day: #3599

From: From 06/20/16
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 24/25

Jimmy Kimmel Live

We are in the midst of a hell-like heat wave on the West Coast. The temperature hit 112 in Beverly Hills yesterday. That's dangerous. Many residents of Beverly Hills are made of materials that melt at temperatures like that.

Experts say the best thing you can do in heat like this is take a screen shot of the weather app and post it to Facebook. That way if you die, you go out with some likes.

The basketball game last night was the most watched NBA ever for ABC. The Golden State Warriors seemed to be invincible during the regular season. Before the season started, an evil wizard cast a spell on LeBron that moved his hairline back. The only way to get it back was to win the championship for the city of Cleveland.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

The Cleveland Cavaliers beat the Golden State Warriors last night and became the first NBA team to ever come back from a 3-to-1 deficit to win the championship. Said Bernie Sanders, “So you’re saying there’s a chance!”

Donald Trump thanked crowds in Phoenix for their support this weekend, saying, “I feel like a supermodel, except like times ten.” By the way, “supermodel times ten” is also his spray tan setting.

Chelsea Clinton gave birth to a son this weekend. Unfortunately, due to his young age, he’s a Sanders supporter.

A company has created a line of non-alcoholic wines for cats containing catnip, water, and organic beet juice for owners who want to drink with their pets. Said the cats, “Yeah … I actually have a thing tonight.”

Fri, 06/24/16

Joke Day: #3600

From: 06/20/16
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 25/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Last night, the Cavs made one of the biggest comebacks of all time to defeat the Golden State Warriors, who many people thought were unbeatable. Then Bernie Sanders said, "Is everyone as turned on as I am right now?"

It’s the first NBA title and the first championship for Cleveland in 52 years. And now a lot of sports writers are saying that Cleveland will no longer be synonymous with losing. Then the Cleveland Browns said, “No, we’re still here."

Congrats to Chelsea Clinton, who welcomed her second child over the weekend. After the birth, Bill brought flowers, while Hillary brought a focus group to help name the baby.

Donald Trump fired his campaign manager, Corey Lewandowski. Trump said Lewandowski was controversial, impulsive and short-tempered — and will make a great running mate.

This was a little controversial: Pope Francis recently said that the majority of modern Catholic marriages are worthless because couples don’t always mean it when they say they’ll love each other forever. And that’s the last time Pope Francis was ever asked to give a best man speech.

Conan O'Brien

Sources say LeBron James might skip the Summer Olympics in Rio de Janeiro. You know Rio is in bad shape when you’d rather spend the summer in Cleveland.

Today is the first day of summer. Or as my skin calls it, "Melanoma-palooza."

In Beverly Hills it was 108. Of course, because it was Beverly Hills, it only looked 90.

Donald Trump has dumped his campaign manager, Corey Lewandowski. Lewandowski said he’s going to return to his old job, as a manager in pro-wrestling.

Even though he has no chance of winning the nomination, taxpayers are still paying for Bernie Sanders to have Secret Service. It’s not that expensive though, it’s just one guy that goes out late at night to buy Fig Newtons.

A new poll came out and it claims that 25 percent of voters remain undecided. Apparently, they’re undecided on whether to move to Canada or Mexico.