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Joke of the Day

Day # Range: 3551 - 3575

Date Range: 04/25/16 - 05/19/16

Newest Jokes at Bottom

Fri, 04/22/16

Joke Day: #3551

From: 04/25/16

Top of Page   Joke: 01/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

On Saturday, Beyoncé released a surprise album called “Lemonade” where she directs some of her anger at her husband, Jay Z. Yeah, an entire album where she yells at her husband. Or in other words — looks like Hillary's found her running mate!

This election is heading into the home stretch and it seems like the whole world is watching. In fact, I read that sales for Donald Trump piñatas have been soaring recently. Or as Donald Trump put it, “Told you I could make the Mexicans pay for something!”

Apparently four out of Donald Trump's five airplanes are more than 20 years old, which they say is rare for most billionaires. I guess Trump doesn’t know you’re supposed to change PLANES every few years, and keep your WIFE forever.

I read about an Orthodox rabbi who recently blessed medical marijuana, saying that the weed is actually kosher for Passover. Which explains why some Jewish people were leaving ANOTHER chair empty for Scooby-Doo.

Conan O'Brien

Over the weekend, Beyoncé released an album which implies that Jay-Z cheated on her. The most damning evidence is the first track, "Jay-Z Cheated on Me."

Yesterday, Donald Trump said, "If I lose, I don’t think you’ll ever see me again." So finally, a Trump campaign promise we can all get behind.

In order to block Donald Trump’s path to the Republican nomination, John Kasich is pulling his campaign out of Indiana. Indiana should notice sometime in 2018.

Hillary Clinton said Pennsylvania is where she learned to shoot a gun. Meanwhile, Bernie Sanders said Pennsylvania is where he learned to load a musket.

A restaurant in Pennsylvania has unveiled a pizza inspired by Hillary Clinton. Apparently, the pizza is not that fresh or tasty, but it sticks around your stomach until all the other food has given up.

A woman who looks exactly like a female Ted Cruz has been asked to star in a porn movie. So finally, a cure for your porn addiction.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Beyoncé released a surprise album, "Lemonade," this weekend. Of course, when you're over 40 and white, every Beyoncé album is a surprise album.

Donald Trump did an impression of Hillary Clinton at a rally this weekend accusing Clinton of needing a teleprompter, speaking in a robotic manner and being boring. And then Hillary did an impression of Donald Trump by crushing a poor person's dreams.

A new Swiss airplane called Solar Impulse 2 crossed the Pacific Ocean this weekend using only solar energy. Said the pilot right before takeoff, "Wait, Solar Impulse 2?"

A couple in Ohio yesterday ran a half marathon immediately after getting married at the starting line. Ha, usually you're married a lot longer than that before you hear a gunshot.

A man in Massachusetts is converting his funeral home into an ice cream parlor with the slogan, "A taste to die for." "Hey, that's our slogan," said Chipotle.

Sat, 04/23/16

Joke Day: #3552

From: 04/26/16

Top of Page   Joke: 02/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

After being blind-sided by Michael Strahan’s upcoming departure, Kelly Ripa returned to “Live with Kelly and Michael” today, where the co-anchors were reunited. The reunion was going great, until Beyoncé showed up and handed Ripa a baseball bat.

Happy birthday to Melania Trump, who turned 46 today. She spent her birthday like she always does — telling Donald that she's 23.

Today was another big day for the election. There were five different primaries in Connecticut, Delaware, Maryland, Pennsylvania, and Rhode Island. Or as Hillary Clinton put it, “Why, those just happen to be my five favorite states!”

Over the weekend, Hillary Clinton called Donald Trump a loose cannon and said, “Loose cannons tend to misfire.” Trump was like, “My cannon works just fine, I guarantee you, there’s no problem. I’ve already discussed this.”

Conan O'Brien

According to a new poll that just came out, 50 percent of Republicans say they could support Donald Trump. The other 50 percent are a group calling themselves "Women."

Hillary Clinton has been attacking Donald Trump over his "country club" lifestyle. Hillary made the remarks during a speech none of us could afford to attend.

Donald Trump is now making fun of what he calls John Kasich's "disgusting" table manners. As an example, Trump named Kasich's gross habit of having dinner with a wife who’s about his own age.

A teacher in Arkansas is in trouble for giving alcohol to underage students. But to be fair, just because you’re in fifth grade in Arkansas, it doesn’t necessarily mean you’re under 21.

In a new interview, Ted Cruz said, "I’ve changed a lot of diapers." After hearing this, Bernie Sanders made him his running mate.

The Late Late Show with James Corden

Today was Super Tuesday where states like Pennsylvania, Maryland, and Delaware hold their primaries. Seriously, we have to stop calling these Super Tuesdays. Nothing super has ever happened on a Tuesday in Delaware.

Lena Dunham, star of the HBO show "Girls," threatened to move to Vancouver if Trump became president. Trump said, “Well, she's a ‘B’ actor and, you know, has no mojo.” I can't believe Trump snapped back about Lena Dunham. Usually, he just ignores that kind of stuff and gracefully moves on.

Celebrities can't move to Canada, that's not how this works. All of America's best celebrities come from Canada. Ryan Gosling? Canadian. Justin Bieber? Canadian. Ryan Reynolds? Canadian. And those are just the ones I had a dream about last night.

Canada gave us all these great celebrities, and we repay them by treating them like our college buddy's futon. “Well, I guess if things get really bad, I could crash with Canada for a while.”

I really love how Trump calls Lena Dunham a "B" actor. Which is big talk from the man who played Waldo's dad in the remake of “Little Rascals.” If Lena Dunham is a “B” actor, he's a “D” actor.

Whatever celebrities think, Trump is a hit with voters. Maybe it's because he panders to them. At a rally in Rhode Island, deep in the heart of New England Patriot country, Trump yelled, “Leave Tom Brady alone!” The crowd went crazy. Getting cheers by saying “leave Tom Brady alone” in New England is as easy as getting cheers for saying, "Donald Trump should not be president."

Trump's been pandering like this wherever he goes. In New York, he said pizza is the best. In Portland, he said gluten is the devil's handiwork. And in Florida, he said nothing beats doing meth in a Walmart parking lot.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

It's the sequel to Super Tuesday 3. There were primaries in five states. I feel like we've had primaries in some of these states — didn't we do Connecticut already? I was interested to find out who won, but what I'm more interested in is to see what new way the losers will explain why they still have a chance tomorrow.

Of course, the biggest loser is us. We have six more months of this.

The polls said Donald Trump was going to steam-roll his rivals in Pennsylvania, and he did. Next, he's going to build a hotel on top of them.

Ted Cruz and John Kasich made a pact so they would each have a better chance of stopping Donald Trump from getting the delegates he needs. It’s a halfhearted alliance between two guys who don't like each other. Somehow Donald Trump has turned this into an episode of “The Apprentice.” This is exactly what Gary Busey and Meatloaf would do.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Bernie Sanders said it’s a great idea to have a woman as vice president. John McCain was like, “Is it?!”

Both Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump were favored to sweep today’s primaries in Connecticut, Delaware, Maryland, Pennsylvania, and Rhode Island. And John Kasich is still polling very high in the state of denial.

A woman named “Nazi” yesterday won the 2016 U.S. Chess Championship. Apparently she claimed the title after a woman named “France” just gave up.

According to a new study, people with several plants around their homes often live longer. Willie Nelson was like, “Oh hell yeah!”

Taco Bell is reportedly testing making taco shells from fried chicken. Which should finally answer the age-old question: “911 — what’s your emergency?”

Sun, 04/24/16

Joke Day: #3553

From: 04/27/16

Top of Page   Joke: 03/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Yesterday was a huge win for Donald Trump, who won all five of the primaries in the states of Connecticut, Delaware, Maryland, Pennsylvania, and Rhode Island. During his victory speech, Trump called it a “diverse victory.” And it’s true! Some people in those states shop at J. Crew, and others shop at the J. Crew OUTLET.

Today, Carly Fiorina was announced as Ted Cruz's running mate. Fiorina said it's always been her lifelong dream to lose twice in the same election.

Former presidential candidates Martin O'Malley and Mike Huckabee might actually be starting a bipartisan band together. The band has a great way to make money: Their concerts are free, but earplugs cost $200.

Pope Francis told thousands of teenagers at mass recently that happiness is not something you can download from an app. That story again, Pope Francis has never seen Snapchat filters.

Conan O'Brien

Earlier today, despite losing five primaries, Ted Cruz stunned everybody by announcing his vice presidential candidate is Carly Fiorina. This means Fiorina is now just a heartbeat away from never being president.

Now that the election is narrowing to a two-person race, Donald Trump said he will have to get used to Hillary Clinton’s shouting. After hearing this, Bill Clinton said, "You never really get used to it."

Donald Trump now appears to be the likely Republican nominee. In a related story, Canada is getting ready for 45 million people to come crash on their couch.

In his campaign against Hillary Clinton, Donald Trump says he’s going to start quoting some of Bernie Sanders’ speeches. Which means Trump’s opening line will now be, "My nurse is stealing from me."

The Late Late Show with James Corden

There is a new trend in U.K. corporate policy where employees are being given paid time off so that they can acclimate a new pet to their home. They’re calling it “pawternity” leave. You can read more about this story 10 years from now in the book about how China took over the world.

Paid time off for pets should not be a thing. Here is how that discussion should go: “Excuse me, boss, I want to get a new dog, but I will need a week off to bond with the animal.” And your boss goes, “Oh, OK, cool. You're fired.”

This makes sense maybe for dogs, but you definitely don't need time off for cats. Cats don't care if you are at home. Cats don't even care if you are alive.

You don't need a pet to get time off, you could also just move to Venezuela where the president announced today that they are moving to a two-day workweek. And this news is incredible because not only does a two-day workweek sound amazing, I now know one thing about Venezuela. A two-day workweek really does sound great because it makes for the perfect amount of office small talk. Like, day one: “How was your weekend?” Day two: “Any big plans for the weekend?”

Although I do think that they should just do what the rest of the world does, which is get about two days’ worth of work done over the course of five full work days.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

After all the speculation and the campaigning and craziness and this unprecedented cartoonish election, we seem to be down to two candidates, Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump. I don't know why. Nobody seems to like them, but they're both way ahead in the delegate count.

While it's not officially over, it's over. Everyone knows it except Kasich, Sanders, and Cruz. At this point the only chance they have of stopping Clinton and Trump is an angry Beyoncé with a baseball bat, but they're not giving up.

You almost have to hand it to Ted Cruz. Even though he lost all five primaries, today he named a running mate. He named Carly Fiorina as his running mate. For what, I don't know. Maybe they plan to go running together.

Sanders offered Elizabeth Warren to be his running mate. Bernie said the women of this country understand it would be a great idea to have a woman as vice president. Yeah, or as president, right?

Today the Sanders campaign announced they're downsizing and firing hundreds of people, but he's vowed to stay in the race until the race ends in June or until his life ends. I'm trying to say he's old. There was a miscommunication, I guess.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

During his victory speech last night Donald Trump dismissed the idea of facing a contested convention, saying, “As far as I’m concerned, it’s over.” And by “it,” I assume he means civilization as we know it.

Should he win the nomination, Ted Cruz has selected former Hewlett Packard CEO Carly Fiorina as his running mate. But, unfortunately, he did so by announcing, “Ted Cruz has HP VP!”

ISIS has reportedly started rolling out “reductions in benefits” to try to cut down costs. And now al-Qaeda is trying to compete with them by launching “Osamacare.”

A restaurant in Pennsylvania has started selling a pizza inspired by Hillary Clinton topped with buffalo chicken and hot sauce. They also have a Trump pizza, it doesn’t have any toppings but the crust is folded over to hide it.

A JetBlue pilot had to appear in court today after being caught flying into New York’s Kennedy Airport while drunk. Apparently he kept turning on the cabin intercom to tell the passengers how much he loved them.

Mon, 04/25/16

Joke Day: #3554

From: 04/28/16
(**Part 1**)n

Top of Page   Joke: 04/25

The Late Late Show with James Corden

Yesterday Ted Cruz, the man mathematically eliminated from becoming president, picked his vice president. Cruz chose Carly Fiorina as his running mate: The first woman ever to lose the Republican nomination twice in three months.

Just to be clear, there is no way Ted Cruz could even get the nomination. He's now like a 6 year old, pretending to be president.

I'm pretty sure we're going to see Ted Cruz drive around in a minivan with “Air Force One” spray painted on the sides. He'll be dressing up all of his daughters’ dolls like advisers going, “Yes, that is a good point about healthcare. Thank you, Malibu Barbie!”

We are basically one month away from Cruz holding his own Republican National Convention at the Hooters in Texas.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Today is Take Your Kid to Work Day. It's really the most uncomfortable day of the year for the adult film industry. Take Your Kid to Work Day is a great opportunity to teach your children why you come home miserable every night.

I brought my daughter, Jane, to work with me today and she wasn’t good at it. She's almost two. They really should schedule Take Your Daughter to Work Day with Girl Scout Cookie Day.

It's important to let them come to our jobs so they can see where we spend all day looking at Instagram and checking Facebook.

It's also NFL Draft Day. This is where we get to find out how great the next Papa John's spokesperson will be.

Congress passed a bill to declare the American bison national mammal of the United States. So finally Republicans and Democrats have managed to reach across the aisle to pass a meaningless piece of legislation.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

During Donald Trump's foreign policy speech yesterday, he said when it comes to military action, we have to be unpredictable. Scary news for Iran, but terrifying news for Canada.

Donald Trump yesterday gave his first foreign policy speech and accused President Obama of handling Iran with tender lovin' care. Eric and Donald Jr. were like, "Sometimes that works, Dad.”

Exit polls from Tuesday's primary showed Donald Trump won about 50 percent of Republican voters with college degrees. Well, technically they have college degrees. Their diploma was a steak.

Today was Take Your Child to Work Day or as it's known in China, work day.

Vice president Joe Biden made a surprise trip to Iraq this morning, and no one was more surprised than him. “Last time I use Expedia!”

Chile's new giant lasers are so powerful, they can create an artificial star, which is impressive until you remember that Kris Jenner has been able to create, like, eight of them.

Tue, 04/26/16

Joke Day: #3555

From: 04/28/16
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 05/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Last night Donald Trump tweeted from Indiana that he was staying at a Holiday Inn Express, and said it was "not bad." Which, I believe, is just one of their ads: "Holiday inn Express: Not bad."

During his foreign policy speech yesterday, Donald Trump mispronounced Tanzania and called it "Tanzainia." Then Melania was like, "That's nothing. My name is actually Kathryn."

We have less than 100 days to go until the summer Olympics. It's less than 100 days until people at home in sweatpants eating potato chips are like, "I could do that."

Yesterday, athletes from Team USA kicked off the countdown to the summer Olympics right here in Times Square. It got weird when Times Square Elmo said, "Psst, need some tips for passing your drug test?"

Conan O'Brien

A study found that one minute of intense exercise may have the same physical benefits as 45 minutes of moderate exercise. So finally, a study that vindicates my wedding night, ladies and gentlemen.

CVS Pharmacy has recalled some herbal teas that might be infected with the salmonella virus. So whatever you do, don’t drink the tea called, "Permanent Sleepytime."

The American bison was just named the official mammal of the United States. To put this in perspective, the bison narrowly beat out the McRib.

Wed, 04/27/16

Joke Day: #3556

From: 04/29/16

Top of Page   Joke: 06/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

The NFL Draft started last night and the Los Angeles Rams used the first pick to select quarterback Jared Goff. He's a college student who just got a job worth over $20 million, or as he put it, “I no longer support Bernie Sanders!” Or as fans in LA put it, “They went to Jared!”

The White House Correspondents' Dinner is tomorrow, and Bernie Sanders will be attending. You could tell Bernie Sanders was a guest at the dinner when they had to schedule it at 3 p.m. Bernie was like, “I’m going to start a revolution — at the dessert table!”

Beyoncé kicked off her Formation World Tour this week and is actually selling a shirt that says, “Boycott Beyoncé.” She's actually daring people to dislike her — or as Trump put it, “Trust me, it doesn't work!”

Thu, 04/28/16

Joke Day: #3557

From: 05/02/16

Top of Page   Joke: 07/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

May is finally here! Yep, it’s that special time of the year when the Earth puts the weather on "Random Shuffle."

The White House Correspondents' Dinner was on Saturday, and President Obama ended his speech by saying “Obama out” and literally dropping the mic. Then Hillary Clinton caught the mic mid-air and said, “LET'S DO THIS!”

During an after-party following the Correspondents' Dinner, a fight broke out between reporters at Fox News and The Huffington Post. But no major details came out about the fight – 'cuz it was only witnessed by CNN reporters.

The White House announced yesterday that Malia Obama will attend Harvard University, but that she plans to take a year off before starting. Malia got the idea after seeing how much fun her dad is having with HIS year off.

Now that weed is starting to become legal in more and more places, big companies have started to take notice. In fact, Walgreens just published an article about the possible health benefits of medical marijuana. While CVS said it's just excited to watch stoners try and use its self-checkout machines.

Conan O'Brien

At a Ted Cruz rally, Carly Fiorina fell off the stage and Cruz didn’t help her up. The entire crowd immediately began chanting, “Metaphor! Metaphor!”

As Bernie Sanders' campaign is winding down, he had to fire hundreds of staff members. Now Bernie is down to a campaign director, a speechwriter, and a 22-year-old whose job is to keep explaining to him what Snapchat is.

At a Ted Cruz rally, a young boy yelled "you suck" at Ted Cruz. In other words, there is hope for America’s future after all.

Donald Trump criticized Hillary Clinton today for making a remark he says is offensive to Native Americans. Trump’s exact words were "you stole my speech."

In Pennsylvania, a 100-year-old woman has broken the world record for the 100-yard dash in her age group. She won with the record-setting time of "Wednesday."

The Late Late Show with James Corden

A report came out last week that members of ISIS are trying to fake doctor's notes to get themselves out of front line duty. Imagine a member of ISIS calling in like, "Hey guys, I have actually got a bit of a cough and don't think I can go to the suicide bombing today."

It's weird to think that this organization, which is so dangerous, has employees who are just like, "Oh, Mondays."

Late Night With Seth Meyers

The White House Correspondents' Dinner was this weekend. President Obama said it was fun. Larry Wilmore said he was honored. And Bernie Sanders said the portions were too small.

Indiana is holding its primary tomorrow, and Donald Trump is currently leading Ted Cruz by 15 points. While John Kasich still holds a narrow lead over "Not Sure."

A 100-year-old Brooklyn woman has become the oldest runner to ever cross the finish line in the 100-meter dash. On the down side, she started the race in 2009.

Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson put out a new alarm clock app today which includes a feature that will sync with The Rock's calendar so fans can wake up at the same time as him. After that, your day and his day start to diverge pretty wildly.

The parents of a baby who was recently born on a Jetstar plane have announced that they are naming him after the airline. Baby Jetstar is now at home joining his older sister, Megabus.

Fri, 04/29/16

Joke Day: #3558

From: 05/03/16
(**Part 1**

Top of Page   Joke: 08/25

Jimmy Kimmel Live

The Indiana primary was today and we’re this much closer to having a president who starts Twitter fights with Cher.

Trump had a big win. Indiana is a basketball state. He’s worried that if he spent too much time there, people might try to grab his orange head and try to dribble it.

Trump now leads Ted Cruz by 42 points, which is too many points. Is anybody else starting to feel bad for Ted Cruz? Poor guy probably wants to lock himself up in a transgender bathroom and never come out.

Trump is trying to spread the tabloid story that Ted Cruz’s dad is somehow involved in the assassination of JFK. While I’m pretty sure Rafael Cruz didn’t have anything to do with the assassination of JFK, he does look like a James Bond villain from the Sean Connery era.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Industry experts are speculating that Chipotle could be planning to add breakfast options. Of course, Chipotle already has a breakfast option. It’s the half a burrito you woke up next to.

A pizzeria in Brooklyn has created an edible pizza box. Chris Christie was like, “Wait, the old ones weren’t?”

Entrepreneurs in Brazil are building a new theme park called “ErotikaLand” and it will feature rides and attractions based around sexuality. Just a word of warning: Steer clear of Splash Mountain.

Entrepreneurs in Brazil are seeking to build a sexual adults-only theme park called ErotikaLand. They went with the name after realizing Busch Gardens was taken.

Sat, 04/30/16

Joke Day: #3559

From: 05/03/16
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 09/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Today was the Indiana primary, and the results are in. Donald Trump saw his shadow, so there are six more months of the election!

Yesterday, Heidi Cruz was asked about rumors that her husband is the Zodiac Killer, and she said, “I’ve been married to him for 15 years, and I know pretty well who he is.” That story again: Heidi Cruz didn’t actually deny that her husband was the Zodiac Killer.

It was announced that “Space Jam 2” is in the works, and the movie will star LeBron James. It’ll feature LeBron playing with a bunch of make-believe teammates — or as LeBron calls them, “teammates.”

The CEO of Priceline just resigned after it was revealed that he had an affair with an employee. As you can imagine, his wife is pretty mad, but on the bright side, at least he knows where to find a good deal on hotels.

A 100-year-old woman from New York City just broke the world record for her age group in the 100-meter dash. It’s pretty amazing — in fact, they say she’s the oldest person to enter a race since Bernie Sanders.

Conan O'Brien

Today in Indiana, Ted Cruz called Donald Trump “a pathological liar,” “a narcissist,” “utterly immoral,” and “a serial philanderer.” Then Cruz turned to Trump and said, “Teach me, Master!”

Today is Teacher Appreciation Day, and President Obama thanked his fifth-grade teacher, Ms. Mabel Hefty. Then Bernie Sanders thanked his fifth-grade teacher, Aristotle.

Today is National Teacher Appreciation Day. It’s a special day when we Americans show our gratitude to teachers in any form but money.

A high school girl brought a cardboard cut-out of Bernie Sanders as her prom date. Meanwhile, another girl brought a cardboard cut-out of John Kasich that turned out to be John Kasich.

Donald Trump is implying that Ted Cruz’s father had something to do with the Kennedy assassination. Even worse, Ted Cruz’s father had something to do with Ted Cruz.

Plans are underway to build an erotic theme park in Brazil called “ErotikaLand.” In fact, Brazilian workers are already busy waxing the rainforest.

Researchers are claiming that humans can only maintain close relationships with five people. Which should make for an interesting Mother’s Day for my mom and her six children.

A group is suing Quaker Oats saying their oatmeal is not 100 percent natural. And it gets worse: The guy on the box? He’s Jewish.

It’s been announced that the Rolling Stones, Bob Dylan, and Paul McCartney will perform at a huge music festival. If you’re planning on attending, get in line for the bathroom NOW.

The Late Late Show with James Corden

Today was the Indiana primary and the winner was, of course, Donald Trump. But the big news was that Ted Cruz ended his presidential campaign. I can’t believe Cruz is quitting the race. I mean, who quits just because they’ve lost?

Cruz said he’s looking forward to being able to spend more time with his family. In response, his family said, “Are you sure you want to quit?”

Ted Cruz suspending his campaign is great news for the only other candidate, John Kasich, who is now just waiting for Donald Trump to drop out.

Earlier in his campaign, Trump was calling Carly Fiorina ugly. Now he’s saying he might pick her up if she falls down. Guys, that’s growth. He’s getting more presidential every day.

Just before Cruz exited the race, Donald Trump implied that Ted Cruz’s dad may have been involved in the Kennedy assassination. This is very unlike Trump. Usually, he thoroughly investigates a story before repeating it to millions of people.

Sun, 05/01/16

Joke Day: #3560

From: 05/05/16
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 10/25

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Bernie Sanders said yesterday that he intends to do everything that he can to prevent a Donald Trump presidency. Though I don't know what he can try that Donald Trump hasn't tried already.

Donald Trump has already started outlining plans for what he hopes to accomplish during his first 100 days in office. Once he's done outlining, he's going to start coloring it in. "What's the best color for walls?"

Today is Cinco de Mayo, which commemorates the time the French army was defeated in the battle of “La Puebla” by drunk white girls in sombreros.

"It's Cinco de mayo!” said Chris Christie as he finished his fifth jar of mayonnaise.

President Obama and the first lady were seen dancing with R2D2 and Storm Troopers yesterday in honor of Star Wars day. But C-3PO wasn't there — that's just how the president dances.

Wal-Mart has announced plans to revive its greeter program, which they retired four years ago. Though a lot of the greeters they called aren't answering their phones.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

Happy Cinco de Mayo! You know who doesn't celebrate Cinco de Mayo? Mexicans.

We drink on St. Patty's Day for the Irish. We drink on Oktoberfest for the Germans, and we drink on Thanksgiving to forget what we did to Native Americans.

Trump has graciously said that he's willing to consider some of his previous Republican rivals [for vice president], as long as they don't remember any of the things he said about them. So we might be looking at the ticket of "Trump/Liar '16,” "Trump/Low Energy '16,” "Trump/A Face Like That '16,” and "Trump/Lil’ Sweaty Guy '16." All winning tickets.

We're still all reeling from Tuesday's primary in Indiana. It was a huge night. Two people were knocked out of the race, and one was just knocked out.

But there's one candidate who remained standing: Bernie Sanders. Bernie scored a huge upset victory that raised his campaign from the grave. Which explains why he has the same hair as an extra on “The Walking Dead.”

Mon, 05/02/16

Joke Day: #3561

From: 05/05/16
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 11/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

I saw that former presidents George W. Bush and George H.W. Bush announced that they will not endorse anyone in the 2016 presidential race. Even crazier, they said that before Jeb dropped out.

Jay Z is working on a new album to tell his side of the story in response to Beyoncé’s "Lemonade." But before that, his friends are going to release their own song called "Don't Do It, Man."

Syfy just revealed a poster for the next "Sharknado" movie that will air in July, and it will feature Dog the Bounty Hunter, Wayne Newton, Dr. Drew and Motley Crue singer Vince Neil. Which will also be the same people that will be in Donald Trump's cabinet if he gets elected.

Kate Middleton revealed yesterday that her children have a pet hamster named Marvin. Well, technically, its full name is Marvin, Duke of the Running Wheel.

A federal regulation is now requiring that airports serving over 10,000 passengers per year have an area in every terminal where pets can go to the bathroom. Or as it's called in LaGuardia, all of LaGuardia.

Conan O'Brien

In honor of Cinco de Mayo, Donald Trump tweeted a picture of himself eating a taco bowl. Then, Trump tried to get Mexico to pay for it.

Today is the Mexican holiday of Cinco de Mayo. Or as it will be known under President Trump, "May the Goddamn Fifth."

Donald Trump said his vice presidential pick might be one of his presidential rivals. When asked which one, Trump said, "I haven’t decided yet if it’s the liar, the loser, or the fat pig."

Despite falling behind in delegates, Bernie Sanders insists he still has nine states left to go. Unfortunately, five of those states are Denial, Anger, Grief, Bargaining, and Acceptance.

New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady is coming out with a cookbook. The cookbook teaches you how to make a soufflé that falls then re-inflates at halftime.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Yesterday at the National Earthquake Conference, a scientist said the southern part of the fault — which includes here in Los Angeles — is “locked, loaded and ready to go.” Like it's Bruce Willis or something.

It makes me nervous. I spent last night Gorilla Gluing my hourglasses to their display stands

One of the guys who works here bought an earthquake preparedness kit. It's a bucket full of supplies. One of the items listed is an emergency toilet. He was curious to see what it was. It turns out the emergency toilet is the bucket itself. I guess in an emergency, everything is a toilet.

Even the president celebrated Cinco de Mayo today at the White House this morning — the traditional pardon of the avocado. It will live to see another salad.

Donald Trump observed Cinco de Mayo. He posted this on Facebook, “Happy Cinco de Mayo! The best taco bowls are made in Trump Tower Grill. I love Hispanics!” There you go. All is forgiven. He even built a little wall around the Mexican salad so it doesn't get on his American desk.

Donald Trump says that by the 100th day of his presidency the wall on the border of Mexico will be designed, the immigration ban on Muslims will be in place, the four horsemen will be scheduled to appear. He'll get to work chiseling Roosevelt's face on Mount Rushmore and replacing it with his own.

If Bernie Sanders is elected, he plans on spending the first 100 days figuring out the Lincoln Bedroom DVR.

Bernie's reportedly running out of money. They're said to be low on cash. His fundraising fell in April partly due to the fact that most of his donors were at Coachella for most of April.

Tue, 05/03/16

Joke Day: #3562

From: 05/06/16

Top of Page   Joke: 12/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Hooters is offering its annual free meal for moms. Apparently, moms must be accompanied by at least one kid, who must also be accompanied by at least one psychiatrist.

A company will make a life-size 3D printed model of yourself that you can send to your mom for $30,000. It's a great way of telling your mom I'd rather spend $30,000 than visit you in person.

Everybody is getting into the spirit for Mother’s Day, even Donald Trump, who tweeted: "Happy Mother’s Day! The best tuna casserole is made at Trump Tower Grill. I love mothers."

After speaking out against Donald Trump's plan to build a border wall, former Mexican President Vicente Fox has invited Trump to Mexico as a peace offering. Fox was like, “When you land, just look for my driver ‘El Chapo.’”

Then Trump invited Vicente Fox to Trump Tower Grill to see what real Mexican food tastes like.

Wed, 05/04/16

Joke Day: #3563

From: 05/09/16

Top of Page   Joke: 13/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

The big story this weekend was that the racehorse Nyquist won the Kentucky Derby, while a horse named Exaggerator came in second place. Or as Exaggerator put it, “Hey, I won the Kentucky Derby!”

Michael Phelps and his fiancée just welcomed their first child. Immediately after the baby was born, he looked up and said, “How was my time?”

Jeb Bush wrote a Facebook post congratulating Donald Trump for securing the Republican nomination, but said he still won't support him. Yeah, Jeb wrote an insincere Facebook post. Or as that's also known, “a Facebook post."

On “Meet the Press” yesterday, Trump said he would like to see the minimum wage increased, saying, “I don't know how people make it on $7.25 an hour.” Then his butlers said, “Just barely.”

It's being reported that the Kardashians were frustrated when they were in Cuba because most Cubans have not seen their show, so they don't know why they're famous. As opposed to most Americans who have seen their show, and still don't know why they're famous.

Conan O'Brien

A former speechwriter for John McCain said Donald Trump has an unstable personality. This is coming from the guy who wrote the words, "Please welcome my running mate, Sarah Palin."

This morning, Bernie Sanders held a rally in Atlantic City. Sanders said, "I have a lot in common with Atlantic City — we were both in our prime in the 1920s."

A Mexican judge ruled that El Chapo can be extradited to the U.S. After hearing about it, El Chapo said, "Great, I know just the tunnel."

Late Night With Seth Meyers

House Speaker Paul Ryan today defended himself against criticism from fellow Republicans over his reluctance to endorse Donald Trump and said, “I just want to get to know the guy.” “Us, too,” said Eric and Donald Jr.

Donald Trump announced today that if he wins the presidency, Chris Christie will lead his transition team and help put together the Trump administration. Because if there’s anything Christie knows how to do, it’s fill a cabinet.

North Korea’s ruling political party announced today that they will be giving leader Kim Jong Un a new title. I’m gonna guess: Is it the heavyweight title?

This weekend was the Kentucky Derby with Nyquist coming in first, Exaggerator coming in second, and — this is crazy — Jeb coming in last.

A wheelchair basketball game in Germany had to be called off this weekend after 60 fans attacked each other with knives and baseball bats. On the plus side, it sounds like they should have some more players for the next game.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

A tow truck driver in Asheville, North Carolina, who supports Donald Trump evidently stranded a disabled woman on the side of the road after he saw a Bernie Sanders bumper sticker on her car. Telling the woman that she was obviously a socialist and that she should call the government for help, he then drove away on a road that I assume he paved himself.

The guy says whenever he deals with Bernie supporters they don't pay him — as opposed to the Trump supporters, who make Mexico pay him.

The government of China has announced that they are banning live streams of women seductively eating bananas. This is terrible news. Now Chinese teenage boys have to resort to the Sports Illustrated produce issue (because the produce issue would have people with fruit, doing sexual things with vegetables).

Officials say the videos are pornographic, and that they encourage viewers to break laws and harm social morality. So true — rarely do these videos end in a stable, long-term relationship with the banana.

Thu, 05/05/16

Joke Day: #3564

From: 05/10/16
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 14/25

Late Night With Seth Meyers

School nurses across the country are blaming group selfies for the spread of head lice among middle and high school students. So finally a silver lining for kids who don’t get asked to be in pictures.

Tickets for Desert Trip, the upcoming rock concert featuring Bob Dylan, the Rolling Stones, Neil Young and Paul McCartney, went on sale yesterday and sold out in five hours. It would’ve sold out faster, but it took your dad four hours to figure out the website.

A new study suggests that a chemical released when a person is hungry can lead to poor decision-making. It’s what Taco Bell calls “our entire business model.”

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

Donald Trump said that Hillary was nasty and mean to the women who slept with her husband. Trump's wives did not treat his mistresses like that at all. They had the courtesy to let him marry them.

Donald Trump has been married three times. Attacking Hillary Clinton for having marital problems is like the pot calling the kettle black, or in Trump's case, calling the kettles "the blacks." By the way, the kettles love him.

Apparently, Facebook censored popular stories about conservative topics from appearing on the trending news section. Folks, I think this is wrong. If Facebook is going to censor things, why not get rid of the stuff people really don't want to see, like your ex's tropical honeymoon? Or invitations to coworkers' improv shows? "Mike, I'm glad you're getting out after the divorce, but I'm not going out at midnight on a Tuesday to see your improvised episode of 'Dawson's Creek.'"

This weekend, Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne said that they're getting a divorce. Ozzy announced the separation by biting the head off their lawyer. It's sad news. They were married for 33 years, six of which Ozzy remembers.

Fri, 05/06/16

Joke Day: #3565

From: 05/10/16
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 15/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Yesterday, the State Department said that it can't find any emails belonging to Hillary Clinton's senior technology staffer from when Clinton was secretary of state. Then Hillary said (WIPES OFF HANDS), "You also won't find that staffer, either."

You know that streaming app you can use to publish video, Periscope? They’re now testing out a feature that would let you save your broadcasts, instead of having them disappear after 24 hours. The feature's called “YouTube.”

I read that JCPenney is trying to cut expenses by reducing employees' hours. When asked when the changes will go into effect, the company's CEO was just a mannequin in a suit. They're really cutting back over there.

New York's city council recently approved stores to charge 5 cents for plastic bags. So, soon New Yorkers can pay 5 cents for a plastic bag, or just walk outside and wait for one to blow into your face.

Conan O'Brien

According to a new survey, Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton are tied in Florida. Hillary is winning with Jews and Hispanics, and Trump is winning with meth and bath-salt dealers.

In an upcoming interview with Fox News' Megyn Kelly, Donald Trump tells her that although they’ve reconciled their feud, "this could happen again." Especially if Megyn Kelly continues to stubbornly insist on being a woman.

North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un has been given a new title, "Chairman of the Workers' Party." This narrowly beat out his second choice, "Mother of Dragons."

Jimmy Kimmel Live

According to a new study, L.A. has the most or best road rage in the United States. We are number one road rage-wise. We have the unique ability to get blinded with fury on the way home from a yoga class here.

Here in California, we are in the middle of a very serious drought. Our governor imposed permanent water conservation rules and said this drought might not ever end. Well, not with that attitude, it won't.

Water is a precious resource in California. We need it for our bongs.

I'll tell you something, when Donald Trump is president, we won't have a problem with the drought because we'll all be drinking delicious Trump water. I'm told it's the best.

Sat, 05/07/16

Joke Day: #3566

From: 05/11/16

Top of Page   Joke: 16/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Yesterday on “Good Morning America,” Joe Biden said he is “confident” that Hillary Clinton will be the Democratic nominee. Then he said, “Of course, I also bet against the Mighty Ducks in all three movies, so what do I know?”

Sources claim that the drug lord El Chapo will be extradited from Mexico to Brooklyn next month. Which raises the question — if we're bringing El Chapo here, who exactly are we trying to keep out with that giant wall?

The Gap just reported a decline in sales for its fifth straight quarter, and analysts are saying they might have to close over 100 stores. But look at the bright side — if there’s one thing they know how to do at The Gap, it’s fold.

Employees at a Domino's Pizza saved a customer's life by checking on him after they didn't hear from him, because he's ordered a pizza every day for 10 years. No word on what was wrong with him, but I'm guessing it had something to do with ordering a pizza every day for 10 years.

Conan O'Brien

Budweiser announced that this summer they will rename their beer "America." So starting in June, you’re not an alcoholic — you’re a patriot.

NASA scientists have discovered over 1,200 planets that are possibly habitable — where humans could live. In other words, if Donald Trump does become president, Canada’s not your only option.

Over the weekend, a man broke the world record for "Donkey Kong," making it through the entire game using up just one life. That’s right — his own.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

A baby was born in India to what is believed to be the world's oldest mother. She's 72 years old, and her husband is 79 years old. They said they've wanted a baby for many years but they wanted to all be in diapers at the same time.

Speaking of old people surrounded by screaming young people, Bernie Sanders won the primary last night. For a guy with no chance of winning, he sure does seem to win a lot.

Hillary Clinton could lose all the remaining primaries and she'll still get the nomination, but at this point Bernie has a better chance of being drafted by an NBA team than being the nominee.

Trump is still out there taking aim and most recently, Trump gave Bernie Sanders a nickname. Now we have Crazy Bernie, Lyin' Ted, Little Rubio and Crooked Hillary — it's like the Spice Girls.

Paul Ryan and Ted Cruz are saying they're not ready to support Donald Trump. What do you have to do to get ready to support someone? Is it like getting a wax?

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Donald Trump won last night's Nebraska Republican primary with 61% of the vote. Which is impressive until you remember he's the only one left running.

Donald Trump also dominated last night's West Virginia Republican primary with 76% of the vote. Trump told the press that he did really well with black voters, but it turned out they were just coal miners.

A new poll shows Hillary Clinton just one point ahead of Donald Trump nationally. And now Canada is thinking about building a wall.

Donald Trump said this morning that he will not be changing his tone as he gears up for the general election, and said, quote, "You win the pennant, and now you're in the World Series. You gonna change?" Well, it depends. Did you win the pennant because you're really good, or because your division stinks?

A 70-year-old woman in India recently gave birth to a baby boy. The baby and his mother are doing fine. The doctor, however, is still recovering.

Sun, 05/08/16

Joke Day: #3567

From: 05/12/16
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 17/25

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Donald Trump yesterday began walking back his proposed ban on Muslim immigration and called the plan a suggestion rather than a firm policy idea. In much the same way he doesn't have hair so much as the suggestion of hair.

Donald Trump told the Associated Press yesterday that he had whittled down his list of possible running mates to "five or six people." Five or six people is also how Trump describes his kids.

"60 Minutes" correspondent Morley Safer will formally retire this week after 46 seasons with the show. Safer made his name as a young reporter covering the landmark case of "Asteroid v. Dinosaurs."

Coincidentally, Morley Safer is what Trump says America will be if we build his wall. “Two words: We're not just going to be safer, we're going to be Morley Safer.”

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

Donald Trump is the presumptive GOP nominee, but there are a few people he still has to win over. For instance, everyone in the GOP.

MSNBC had a countdown clock to the meeting this morning where no cameras were allowed and after which we learned nothing. “Jim, can we put up my countdown clock of how much longer we all have to pretend this was news?” That was a long three seconds.

Of course, when it comes to Donald Trump, there are so many other things that are not happening. For instance, he hasn't picked a running mate, but rumors say he's considering Newt Gingrich. Yes, between them, they've had six wives.

Apparently, Trump is trying to win the women's vote by marrying them all. If they get elected both the first and second lady will be the third lady.

It's no secret that I'm fascinated by Gwyneth Paltrow. Not as fascinated as she is, but still. Pretty fascinated. I especially love her lifestyle website Goop, your number one source for $5,000 juicers.

Mon, 05/09/16

Joke Day: #3568

From: 05/12/16
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 18/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

We have Drake on the show tonight — a black, Jewish, immigrant rapper from Canada. Or as Donald Trump would say, "I'm speechless. I need to sit down, I'm getting lightheaded. I'm getting lightheaded. I'm seeing my spirit animal."

I hate to break it to Donald Trump, but there is already a Broadway show called "Hairspray."

Burger King just unveiled a new item combining the elements of a Whopper and a hot dog known as the "Whopper Dog." As in, "I've got to take a sick day, I just ate a Whopper Dog."

British researchers are warning that one-fifth of the world's plant species are at risk of extinction. Even worse, kale is expected to survive.

Conan O'Brien

Donald Trump is now saying that his proposed ban on Muslims was "just a suggestion." Then he admitted his presidential campaign is "just a bar bet."

Here in California, a white supremacist has resigned from being a Donald Trump delegate. When asked why, the white supremacist said, "Because that guy's crazy."

During the Republican convention in Cleveland, an artist is going to photograph 100 nude women to make a statement. The statement is, "This is the only way to get people to Cleveland."

The FBI just announced yesterday that fewer and fewer Americans are going off to join ISIS. Or as Fox News reported it, "Once Again, Jobs Drop Under Obama."

The producers of the X-Men movies say their next X-Men movie will take place in the 1990s. In it, the X-Men use their superpowers to try and stop the Backstreet Boys.

At this moment, a 7-Eleven cashier from Connecticut is trying to become the first woman to climb Mt. Everest seven times. She said, "If I can survive a 7-Eleven hot dog, I can survive anything."

Google has created several new emojis aimed at empowering women. So congratulations women, you asked for equal pay and you got five new emojis.

The Late Late Show with James Corden

Donald Trump is finally sitting down with his nemesis, Speaker of the House Paul Ryan, to discuss unifying the Republican Party after they have been trash-talking each other for months. Ryan is in a difficult spot. On the one hand, Trump has made a lot of offensive statements. On the other hand, Trump is his party's only chance at winning — and because it's Trump, both of those hands are very, very tiny.

Paul Ryan right now is like a girl at a bar at the end of the night where all the hot guys have left. So she's trying to convince herself that it would be worth taking home the guy with the orange skin and weird hair.

But Ryan is not the only one who seems to be changing his mind about Trump. Former presidential candidate John McCain stated this week that he thinks Donald Trump could be a “capable leader.” John McCain spent several years in a Vietnam prison, and now saying “Donald Trump is capable” sounds like the hardest thing he's ever had to do.

I'm sorry, but saying Donald Trump could be a capable leader is not very reassuring. If you are about to have an operation and they tell you that your doctor could be a capable surgeon, you would be like, “You know what? It was a minor heart attack. I'm good. Don't worry.”

Tue, 05/10/16

Joke Day: #3569

From: 05/13/16

Top of Page   Joke: 19/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Today is Friday the 13th so be careful you don't break a mirror or you'll get seven more years of this election.

The big Trump news today is this audio tape that resurfaced from 1991, where Donald Trump apparently posed as his own publicist during a phone call with People Magazine. People are saying it’s definitely him, but he’s saying it’s not. Hillary Clinton was like, "Isn't it annoying when people dig stuff up from the 90's and use it against you?”

An artist is hoping to protest the Republican National Convention in Cleveland by having 100 women pose nude outside the event. Or as Republican men put it, “Hey. No. Stop. Please don't have all those nude women. This is the worst day ever.”

The New York Post reports that more people check their Facebook feed than read the Bible each week. Which explains that new commandment: Thou shalt not ‘like’ a bikini pic of thy neighbor’s wife.

Wed, 05/11/16

Joke Day: #3570

From: 05/16/16
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 20/25

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Audio has surfaced showing that in the 1980s and '90s Donald Trump may have used a fake name to pose as his own publicist. Or, maybe a little-known publicist named John Miller used a fake name to pose as a New York real estate mogul and run for president.

RNC Chairman Reince Priebus said yesterday that Donald Trump will “have to answer for” his behavior towards women. Said Trump, “I’ll have my girl write something up.”

Former Republican hopeful John Kasich said today that “somebody” had called him to encourage him to run as a third-party candidate, but declined to say who. Oh my God, John, the calls are coming from inside the house!

Tomorrow is the Kentucky Democratic Primary. And, in an act of desperation, Bernie is now going by "Colonel Sanders."

Australian officials have announced that they are sending their Olympic athletes to the summer games in Rio with condoms that are resistant to Zika virus. Begging the question: What event is that?

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

Despite the fact that it was freezing here today, climate scientists say that April was the hottest month on record. It was so hot, Donald Trump tried to make out with it.

The New York Times emailed a news alert reading: "Special report: Donald Trump has repeatedly unnerved women in private encounters over 40 years." Unnerving women for 40 years? That implies there were 29 years where he was not unnerving women. I'm going to want a fact check.

The article goes on to detail how Trump bragged about his sexual prowess, as well as his daughter's hotness, and had a preoccupation with women's bodies. Which means Trump could be the first president to appoint an actual "federal bikini inspector."

This "special report" really isn't that special. I look forward to more obvious headlines like: "Pope Is Catholic," "Bear Defecation Discovered in Woods," and "Beauty Pageant Owner Objectifies Women."

Thu, 05/12/16

Joke Day: #3571

From: 05/16/16
(**Part 2**

Top of Page   Joke: 21/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

A New York Times exposé on Donald Trump reveals some pretty questionable interactions with women. Including claims that when Trump ran the Miss USA Pageant, he would frequently rate women's appearances right to their faces while they just stood there. Which is really sexist. And also pretty much the definition of any beauty pageant.

The article makes the point that Donald Trump has hired many women to run his businesses and even quotes him as saying, "A good woman is better than 10 good men." And Hillary was like, "Thanks for the new campaign slogan."

A restaurant in Lithuania is stirring up controversy by displaying a mural on its wall that shows Donald Trump kissing Vladimir Putin. Trump said he's not mad that it shows him kissing a man, he's mad that it shows him kissing someone over 40.

A group of alleged mobsters were just arrested in New York and their nicknames included Grandpa, Baldy, Lazy Eye and Fat Sal. Which are the same nicknames Trump gave his possible running mates.

The Late Late Show with James Corden

Today it was announced that a Russian man will be the recipient of the world's first head transplant. It sounds like they're going to put a new head on his body, but they're not. They're going to take his head and put it on another body and hope that it doesn't reject it. It sounds like there are a million things that could go wrong. But it's actually a billion.

A head transplant was last tried on a monkey in 1970. And it went so well they didn't try it again for four decades.

Could you imagine getting a new body and then looking in the mirror and being like, "Seriously? A butterfly tattoo? That's not so — wait what is this, what is this slogan — Trump 2016! What? No."

The patient is Russian. But the operation has to be done in China because apparently everything is assembled in China.

Fri, 05/13/16

Joke Day: #3572

From: 05/17/16

Top of Page   Joke: 22/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

I read that a new super PAC is actually trying to convince Amish people to vote for Donald Trump. And those people were like, “We're not Amish - we just got rid of our TV’s so we could stop hearing about Donald Trump.”

Donald Trump's ex-girlfriend says her quotes in the New York Times expose this week were twisted to sound negative, but that she didn't have a negative experience with Trump. Then she said, “Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go drive the new Porsche I can suddenly afford.”

I read that a lock of Thomas Jefferson's hair was just sold at a Texas auction for almost $7,000. The seller plans on using the money he got for Jefferson's hair to buy one ticket to Hamilton.

Over 400 passengers missed their flights at Chicago O'Hare on Sunday because of the TSA security lines which were up to three hours long. It's bad news for travelers, but good news for dads who insisted on getting to the airport five hours early.

Happy Birthday to legendary boxer Sugar Ray Leonard, who turned 60 years old today! You can tell he's getting older by his new name - Splenda Ray Leonard.

The Late Late Show with James Corden

The Mexican restaurant Chipotle, which has seen decreasing sales since its recent norovirus outbreak, is trying to win customers back with a contest where one lucky winner will receive free burritos for a year. To me, this seems like one of those contests where the winner is also the loser.

Chipotle bills itself as "fast, casual dining." Fast is good, but if you ask me, they were way too casual. Specifically about employees washing their hands.

You can win the contest by sending certain key words to chipotle via text, but I know another way to get free Chipotle for a year. Go up to a Chipotle employee and whisper the password "Norovirus." Everything free! Whatever you want!

A restaurant at Columbia University that was run out of a student's dorm was shut down this week due to pressure from the health department. The restaurant had a particular schedule. It was open 24 hours a day, unless there was a sock on the door. Then give it about 15 minutes. Well, they're college kids, give them five.

Sat, 05/14/16

Joke Day: #3573

From: 05/18/16
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 23/25

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Bernie Sanders won last night's Oregon Democratic primary and this was a surprise. Hillary came in third — behind a bag of weed.

Fox News host Megyn Kelly addressed rumors about Donald Trump's hair in a new interview and said, "It's not a wig and it's not a comb-over, either." So, what is it? It's a mystery, wrapped in a riddle, inside an enigma.

American Express is suing Charlie Sheen for an unpaid credit card balance of over $200,000. How did he blow that much money? Oh, right. Answered my own question.

It's being reported that an upcoming "X-Men" movie could feature a female wolverine and if she loses in November, so will America.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

A new poll has 87 percent of Republicans supporting Trump. The other 13 percent are currently standing on bridges looking vacantly into the distance.

He is slowly unifying the Republican Party. All it took was no other options.

In last night's Democratic primaries in Oregon and Kentucky, Bernie won Oregon. No surprise there. If you look at it on a map, Oregon is pretty much as far left as you can get.

Meanwhile, in Kentucky, Hillary Clinton declared victory after winning by less than 1 percent. So there's another 1 percent for Bernie to be mad at.

Sun, 05/15/16

Joke Day: #3574

From: 05/18/16
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 24/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

In a recent interview, "Shark Tank" host Mark Cuban predicted that if Donald Trump is elected, it would be bad news for Wall Street. And in related news, Donald Trump just got endorsed by Bernie Sanders.

Last night, Fox premiered its new reality dating show "Coupled." I watched it for 10 minutes and I thought, these two are not going to make it. Then I realized I was watching the Megyn Kelly-Donald Trump interview.

A man from New York proposed to his girlfriend by playing a video on one of the giant billboards in Times Square. It was a beautiful moment until Times Square Elmo said, "I give it two months.”

A "Game of Thrones" version of the board game Clue is now for sale. It's just like regular Clue except that everyone did it in every room with every weapon.

The Late Late Show with James Corden

Recently to celebrate opening in its 100th country, Pizza Hut decided to deliver a pizza to the summit of Mt. Kilimanjaro, the highest point in Africa. I mean this isn't so crazy, whenever I order Pizza Hut I'm usually super high.

You just know that once the guy got to the top, the climbers were like, “Ah, I actually ordered no anchovies, if you could just…”

Burger King has converted one of its restaurants in Finland into a combination of a restaurant and spa. But this is good because now it's perfectly OK to eat a burger during a massage without all that judgment from your masseuse.

Although I will say if you are the kind of person willing to use a communal sauna as a Burger King, you might be a little too relaxed already.

Wendy's has implemented its own invasion. The company is set to debut computerized self-service kiosks in 6,000 of its restaurants this year. This is actually Wendy's reaction to the minimum wage hike. They're like, “That's it! It's cheaper for us just to build an army of robots than pay Phil a living wage.”

Now even the robots will be talking about the good old days. They'll be like, “We used to take humans to the moon. Now we work at Wendy's.”

The idea of robots selling you food may seem scary but don't worry, a lot of things are staying the same. Robots will take the orders, but the food will still be cooked by humans and the bathrooms will still be cleaned by nobody.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Megyn Kelly interviewed Donald Trump last night. The important thing is that wounds have been healed, which is good. It was difficult to watch Donald and her fight. It's hard to watch a fight between two people with such similar hair styles.

It seems Donald Trump is integrating himself into the Republican Party establishment, and making amends with those he steamrolled during the race, including the increasingly sleepy Dr. Ben Carson.

On the Democratic side, Bernie Sanders won Oregon. It's funny with Oregon. If recreational marijuana is legal in your state, you can pretty much guarantee Bernie will win it.

Democrats are concerned that Sanders' campaign could alienate enough voters to hand Donald Trump the election. Bernie said, “Listen, I'm 74 years old. I'm surrounded by college girls screaming my name. Don't ruin this for me.”

So Clinton won Kentucky and Sanders won Oregon, and now this will be settled by whose supporters can be most annoying on Facebook. Good luck, everybody.

Mon, 05/16/16

Joke Day: #3575

From: 05/19/16

Top of Page   Joke: 25/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

The New York Times just did a big profile on Donald Trump, and revealed that he has life-sized portraits of Ronald Reagan and John Wayne at his campaign headquarters. And if you don't see them right away, it's because they're right behind a 25-foot tall portrait of Donald Trump.

For the third year in a row, Washington, D.C., was named the fittest city in American, mainly because Michelle Obama goes around slapping pizza out of everyone's hands.

CBS announced that season 33 of "Survivor" will be called "Survivor: Millennials vs. Gen-X." It'll start in September, and end 20 minutes later when both teams realize there's no Wi-Fi.

The Wall Street Journal just reported that America has a surplus of cheese and that every person in the country would have to eat an extra three pounds of cheese this year to get rid of it. So the next time the pizza guy judges you for ordering extra cheese, just say, "I'm doing this for America."

The Late Late Show with James Corden

Google has been testing self-driving cars and yesterday they filed a patent for a new safety feature called pedestrian glue. How it works is if the driverless car hits someone, it releases a glue-like coating so that the person will stick to the hood instead of bouncing off.

Now, some car companies might focus on making cars that don't hit people. Not Google. No way. So if one of these cars hits you, you will be spread-eagled, stuck to the hood as the car slowly rolls to a halt, because that was the problem with getting hit by a car before: It just wasn't embarrassing enough.

The driverless car thing seems like it's really catching on lately. In fact, the ride sharing company Uber has begun testing driverless cars on the streets of Pittsburgh. Finally, Uber found a way to make out-of-work actors even more out of work.

But don't worry, for all of you who love Uber, the experience isn't really going to change. To keep in line with Uber's brand, their driverless cars will be programmed to smell like cologne and also make female passengers really uncomfortable.

Honestly, this whole driverless Uber thing is unnecessary. All you have to do now is get hit by one of those Google cars, and just hope it's going where you are going. You'll be fine.

This week a California man recorded his wife giving birth, and accidentally live streamed it to the world on Facebook. I've heard of people on Facebook oversharing, but ovary sharing?

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Vice President Joe Biden today urged Americans to have an uncomfortable conversation about race relations. And he would know, because he's had lots of them.

Despite her promises to be tough on Wall Street, a new report has found that groups supporting Hillary Clinton have received $25 million from the financial industry using so-called shadow banks. Meanwhile, Bernie Sanders has received a new waffle iron for opening a savings account.

According to a new report, Spain's federal debt is now greater than their gross domestic product. Spanish citizens are so upset, they could barely sleep all afternoon.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

Ed Rendell tried to help Hillary Clinton by attacking her opponent, saying, "Trump's comments, like 'you can't be a 10 if you're flat-chested,' will come back to haunt him." And then Rendell helpfully added, "There are probably more ugly women in America than attractive women. People take that stuff personally." Yep, I have a feeling a lot of women are about to take that really personally.

The National Parks Service is so desperate for cash that they just announced that, for the first time, they are going to solicit corporate sponsorship. Pretty soon, those sequoias could be brought to you by Viagra. Remember, if your redwood lasts more than 2,000 years, call your lumberjack!

One of the ways that Trump is treating the convention like a reality show is holding off announcing his running mate. As one Trumpling said, "Announcing the vice-presidential nominee before the convention is like announcing the winner of 'Celebrity Apprentice' before the final show is on the air." It's an apt metaphor, because this year's Republican convention will be the series finale of America.