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Joke of the Day

Day # Range: 3526 - 3550

Date Range: 03/23/16 - 04/21/16

Newest Jokes at Bottom

Wed, 03/23/16

Joke Day: #3526

From: 03/23/16

Top of Page   Joke: 1/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Three more states went to the polls yesterday, and a lot of places wound up having record turnout. I guess people really want to be able to tell their grandkids, "There used to be a country called America and I voted in its last election."

Donald Trump said yesterday that a lot of politicians who say they're against him in public are secretly supporting his campaign. Or as Hillary Clinton put it, “Guilty!”

An editor for The Washington Post says that Donald Trump actually hit on her after she asked him a question. To be fair, the question was, "What do you consider torture?" The answer: "Going on a date with me?"

There's a website called VoteTrumpGetDumped.com that's asking women not to sleep with Trump supporters. Or as Melania put it, “What is name of this site again?”

Sarah Palin just signed a deal to act as a judge on a new reality court TV show. Sarah said she just wants to get a little legal experience before Trump nominates her to the Supreme Court.

Conan O'Brien

Yesterday, an anti-Trump super PAC tweeted a nude photo of Melania Trump, asking if this should be the first lady. The response was an overwhelming "Hell no, she should be president!"

Yesterday, President Obama and Cuban President Raúl Castro watched a baseball game between the Tampa Bay Rays and the Cuban national baseball team. The Rays won, so the Cuban team was sent to prison.

According to a new poll that just came out, a majority of Trump voters believe that white people are losing out to minorities. The poll was taken at an NBA game.

Yesterday, Donald Trump threatened to reveal a terrible secret about Ted Cruz’s wife. Apparently Trump has some damning video of her marrying Ted Cruz.

In Florida, an Anheuser-Busch truck collided with a Frito-Lay truck, spilling beer and chips all over the highway. Of course in Florida they call that an "Easter miracle."

Apple’s new iPhone will be significantly cheaper than the iPhone 6. You can read all about it in Apple’s press release titled, "Sorry if you just bought the iPhone 6."

At the Arizona primary yesterday, Republican voters had to wait as long as five hours. People in Arizona were furious and said, "That’s time I could have spent deporting my gardener."

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Donald Trump won yesterday’s Arizona Republican primary with almost 50 percent of the vote. He narrowly beat the second-place finisher, a gun wearing a cowboy hat.

The maker of M&Ms has announced it will start labeling its candies that contain genetically modified ingredients. The candies will be labeled “M” for “Modified,” or “M” for “Made Naturally.”

New Jersey police recently arrested a man for bringing a doughnut filled with Xanax pills to a local high school student. Officials first became suspicious when an adult man showed up to a high school to deliver a single doughnut.

Thu, 03/24/16

Joke Day: #3527

From: 03/24/16

Top of Page   Joke: 2/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Donald Trump is furious over an ad featuring a nude photo of Melania. Trump's mostly furious because it's the first time he's seen Melania naked in years.

The State Department is having to hire more staffers to review all of the requests that are being filed for Hillary Clinton's emails. Or as Hillary put it, "See, I'm creating jobs already. I told you!"

Hillary also targeted Donald Trump's recent comments on foreign policy, saying if Trump gets his way, it will be like Christmas for Russia. Then Russians were like, "So, we all get potato in sock?"

Christmas in the Kremlin, which actually sounds like an amazing holiday movie starring Vladimir Putin. It's on the Hallmark Channel.

A new study found that women with natural blonde hair had a higher average IQ score than brunettes and redheads. So, for you natural blondes out there, a higher IQ means you're smarter.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Bernie Sanders was here on Tuesday and former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is here tonight. They're an interesting pair because they're still competing with each other, but eventually we know they're going to team up to stop the deranged billionaire who wants to take over the world.

Which if you think about it is basically the plot to "Batman vs. Superman," the movie. They spoiled it without giving an alert.

If it comes down to Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton, if the vote was today, Trump would be in trouble. Clinton leads Trump in a hypothetical matchup 54 percent to 36 percent. While 68 percent of likely general election voters view Donald Trump negatively and the other 32 percent don't have Twitter or television.

Hillary Clinton travels with a good-sized entourage. She has Secret Service, personal aides, she's got advisers, and she has a guy who takes care of her lizards full-time.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

People on Wall Street are worried about the negative effects of a Donald Trump presidency. Also worried, people on every street. All the streets.

Dr. Ben Carson appeared on "The View" this morning and when asked afterwards what he thought of, "The View," he said, "Blurry."

The latest national poll shows Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton are in an effective tie for support from Democratic voters. Not in an effective tie? Bernie Sanders neck.

Last night, former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani said Hillary Clinton could be considered a founding member of ISIS. That's ridiculous, ISIS doesn't hire women. That's like their big thing.

The super PAC supporting Hillary Clinton has already started reserving $70 million in TV ads set to air during the lead up to the general election. Of course, if all it took was ad time, this could be our president.

Researchers have studied a fish in Thailand and found that it has developed bones on its pelvis that can allow it to walk — and sing.

Fri, 03/25/16

Joke Day: #3528

From: 03/25/16

Top of Page   Joke: 3/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

We have Amy Adams from "Batman vs. Superman" on the show tonight! In the movie, she plays the luckiest reporter in the world. Not because she gets to date Superman, because she doesn't have to cover this election.

I read that George Clooney e-mailed Hillary Clinton supporters a letter endorsing her for president. Or as Hillary put it, “That's one e-mail I'll never delete...”

With marijuana becoming legal in so many places these days, they’re really looking into how it can effect people who use it. And one new study says smoking marijuana regularly can lead to antisocial behaviors at work and even lying to get a job. Then stoners said, "You lost me at 'work,' and RE-lost me at 'get a job.'"

A study that took almost 40 years shows that regularly smoking marijuana can make people worse at their jobs. When asked how they knew that, researchers said, “Cuz that study was only supposed to take two years, man!

Jimmy Kimmel Live

President Obama and first lady Michelle Obama hosted the annual White House Easter Egg Roll. It's a tradition that's been going on for 138 years. Since the year Bernie Sanders was born. If Bernie Sanders is elected president, they're switching to soft-boiled eggs.

Donald Trump got a nice delivery on Sunday: a new grandson. His daughter Ivanka gave birth to a baby boy. She named him Theodore, which is interesting. Theodore is usually shortened to Ted, like Ted Cruz. That's one way to get back at your father. “Dad, we'd like you to meet Theodore, Rosie, Megyn Kelly, Mexicans, Muslims, Jeb Bush.”

As of a couple of hours ago, Donald Trump hasn't tweeted about his new grandson. He's waiting to see the birth certificate. He's nothing if not fair.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

The East Coast is bracing for a winter storm that could dump as much as 2 feet of snow in some places. Or as one local meteorologist put it: Winter is coming.

Due to this weekend's expected snowfall, experts are predicting a spike in usage of the dating app Tinder. But remember, in either case, you rarely end up getting as many inches as you anticipated.

A 93-year-old World War II veteran is making headlines for his plans to travel to Australia to reunite with his war-time girlfriend after 70 years apart. The man says he's excited to see the land down under, and Australia.

Singer R. Kelly has come forward to defend Bill Cosby. So that ought to clear Bill's name! There we go! That was a call from Bill's lawyer that was one of those good news/bad news things.

The Los Angeles public library has announced that it will forgive late fees for borrowers if they turn in their overdue books within the first two weeks of February. Library card holders were like, “We died years ago!”

Sat, 03/26/16

Joke Day: #3529

From: 03/28/16

Top of Page   Joke: 4/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Today, President Obama hosted the annual Easter Egg Roll at the White House, and the theme was “Let's Celebrate.” Obama came up with the theme “Let's Celebrate” when he realized it's the last year he would ever have to do this. “I’ve pardoned my last turkey, rolled my last egg. God bless America.”

The Kardashians went to church yesterday for Easter Sunday. The ceremony was beautiful, but it got awkward when the Kardashians went to confession and kept looking for a camera. Kim said, “Where do I talk?”

Yesterday, Donald Trump welcomed his eighth grandchild. It was so sweet when Donald met him, he was like, “Welcome to the Elite Eight.”

Donald Trump became a grandfather again yesterday. However, Trump says he won't visit his new grandson until he learns to speak English.

While covering the Democratic caucuses on Saturday, CNN had a “caucus cam” set up. Yeah, a camera that just shows pics of your caucus. Or as most people call that, Snapchat.

Conan O'Brien

More than 47,000 people have signed a petition to allow guns at the Republican National Convention. And every single one of them is a Democrat.

Ted Cruz is being accused of having affairs with five different women. And five different women are being accused of having terrible taste in men.

Over the weekend, the Rolling Stones performed in Cuba. Cuban fans said, "We’re excited to see a rock band that’s even older than our cars."

A conservative radio host told Donald Trump he reminds him of a 12-year-old playground bully. Trump responded by shoving the host and calling him a "gaywad."

Portland is planning to offer homeless people a free bus ticket out of town. Of course, the problem in Portland is figuring out who’s homeless and who’s just in a band.

Nabisco, the maker of Oreos and Chips Ahoy, is planning to announce hundreds of layoffs. So apparently, we legalized marijuana for nothing.

It’s been reported that a contributor to CNN has been having an affair with Ted Cruz. All I can say is, way to go, Wolf Blitzer!

The Late Late Show with James Corden

Donald Trump became a grandfather for the eighth time, ladies and gentlemen. When Trump actually met the baby, he was like, “Wow, look at the size of those hands!”

The family says the baby is doing well and has already used its building blocks to build a wall between him and his nanny.

Meanwhile, on the Democratic side, Bernie Sanders has been on a hot streak. He won three states on Saturday, but the biggest thing that happened to him was at a rally in Portland, Oregon, where he got a surprise visit from an unexpected guest. That bird landing on his podium was actually the closest Bernie Sanders has come to ever sending a tweet.

I'm not mocking Bernie, but when a bird lands on your podium and that's the biggest reaction you get, maybe you're not the most interesting presidential candidate. Bernie was like, “OK, let's get back to the economy.” And the audience is like, “Awww.”

Sun, 03/27/16

Joke Day: #3530

From: 03/29/16
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 5/25

Jimmy Kimmel Live

According to the State Department, virtually every foreign leader who meets with Secretary of State John Kerry has expressed concern about the Republican presidential primary election. There's no need to be concerned. It's silly. Once President Trump builds a wall around your country, you'll never see us again.

According to a new NBC News poll, Donald Trump now has support from 48 percent of Republican voters. All the men and none of the wives.

John Kasich is in third with 18 percent, but he says he won't give up. He's vowed to keep running. He's going to keep running until one person in America can identify him by face and then he will stop.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Donald Trump in a new interview supported the idea of holding back attacks on the wives and children of rival candidates, before adding, “All you have to do is tell that to Ted Cruz because he started it.” Trump then added, “I’m not touching him! I’m not touching him! I’m not touching him!”

A man in Egypt held up a flight today with the demand that he would not release its passengers until a love letter was delivered to his ex-wife. And afterwards his ex-wife said, “THIS is why. Stuff like THIS is why.”

Conservative pundit Glenn Beck said Friday that Ted Cruz was “anointed” by God to become president. To which God replied, “No, no, no, I said he was ‘annoying.’”

Video was released this weekend of a man setting a new world record by eating 200 Peeps in 14 minutes. Unfortunately, the record was for “largest coffin.”

Mon, 03/28/16

Joke Day: #3531

From: 03/29/16
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 6/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

It’s the second week of spring, but New York City was under a high wind advisory all day, with wind gusts up to 50 mph. Most New Workers went about their daily routines, while Donald Trump went into his panic room.

The weather here in New York was sunny, but chilly. Or as meteorologists call it, "The Hillary Clinton."

Fidel Castro wrote a letter addressing President Obama's historic trip to Cuba and said that Cuba doesn't want any presents from the U.S. — which, as any husband will tell you, means they definitely want presents.

There's a new documentary about Queen Elizabeth that reveals she likes to ride horses at the age of 90. She still likes to ride horses. They're coin operated and sitting in front of a supermarket.

A spring training game was delayed recently when a player for the Chicago Cubs was swarmed by bees. The player was fine, while the pitcher had no idea what signal he was getting.

Conan O'Brien

Donald Trump’s campaign manager is facing charges for grabbing a female reporter’s arm. Trump scolded his campaign manager and said, "On my campaign we only abuse women verbally."

There are rumors that Ted Cruz has had affairs with up to eight different women. Ted Cruz refuses to answer questions about the scandal, but he is accepting high-fives.

A man claiming to be William Shatner’s biological son is suing the actor for $170 million. Shatner was shocked and said, "I’m an actor?"

The other day at LAX, a flight attendant was caught smuggling cocaine. People became suspicious when she gave passengers a six-hour safety briefing.

There is a new tell-all book coming out about the Kardashians. It contains shocking allegations about them secretly reading books and wearing clothes.

It has come out that Clippers point guard Chris Paul will skip this year’s Olympics in Brazil to spend time with his son. And also, to spend time not getting the Zika virus.

The Late Late Show with James Corden

A man used a fake bomb to hijack an EgyptAir flight. Here's the crazy part — it was all an attempt to deliver a love letter to his ex-wife who he was trying to win back. So relax, everyone. It’s not terrorism, just good old stalking and harassment.

I don't know about you, but to me it looks like someone forgot to check his emotional baggage.

This is just like a romantic comedy. The man was like, “I'm just a hijacker, standing in front of his hostages, asking them to deliver this letter to my ex.”

This guy was really feeling bad about his breakup. Cops knew he wasn't your average terrorist when a list of his demands included sweat pants, ice cream, and an Adele CD.

I feel sorry for this guy. I feel like I want to give him some advice and say to him, “If you have to hijack a plane, she's just not that into you.”

Vincent Van Gogh cut his ear off to send to a girl and if he heard this story, he would be like — well, he wouldn't have heard this story.

Tue, 03/29/16

Joke Day: #3532

From: 03/30/16
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 7/25

Jimmy Kimmel Live

All the candidates who promised to support the Republican nominee no matter who it was now say they might not. Back in September they all signed a pledge to support the eventual Republican nominee, but that was when no one thought the nominee would be Donald Trump.

Trump only signed the pledge because he assumed they were asking for his autograph.

Baby names based on the characters from "Star Wars: The Force Awakens" are very popular. People are giving kids names like Rey and Kylo. Which would be a good name for a new Kardashian.

I feel like if you're naming your baby after a movie character, maybe you're not ready to have a baby. The good news is "Star Wars" fans are finally having sex.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Donald Trump suggested this morning that his campaign manager Corey Lewandowski, who has been accused of harshly grabbing a reporter at a rally, could have just been keeping her from falling down. Sure. And Bill Cosby was just helping those ladies get a good night’s sleep.

An opening speaker at a campaign event for Hillary Clinton yesterday asked the attendees in the audience to welcome Clinton by chanting her campaign slogan with enthusiasm. And the crowd immediately started chanting, “It’s! My! Turn! It’s! My! Turn!”

Happy birthday to Celine Dion, who turns 48 today. She’s celebrating like most 48-year-olds, at a Celine Dion concert.

A balloon released by a girl in Texas was found this week over 900 miles away in Ohio. Or, more likely, Ohio also has red balloons.

A new study has found that people often zone out on purpose when the tasks they’re doing are not challenging enough. So maybe Ben Carson was too qualified?

Wed, 03/30/16

Joke Day: #3533

From: 03/30/16
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 8/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

At yet another town hall last night, Ted Cruz was asked about his weaknesses, and admitted that he's “hard-charging” and has stepped on some toes. Then he was like, “But enough about my high school prom.”

New York and New Jersey officials have agreed to reconstruct the Port Authority Bus Terminal here in New York, and the project will cost an estimated $10 to $15 billion. And that's just to clean the bathrooms.

Apparently a “cannabis club” in Colorado is giving away free joints to people who volunteer to clean up parts of the community. But they have learned the hard way to hand out the joints AFTER the volunteers did their jobs.

Disneyland is opening in Shanghai this summer, marking the first time in China that parents are happy they could only have one kid. “Whew, only costs $600 for a family of three.”

Conan O'Brien

Anderson Cooper told Donald Trump that he acts like a five-year-old. Trump then laughed really hard and said 'Well, Cooper rhymes with 'pooper.'"

Marco Rubio reportedly wants to play a role in the upcoming Republican convention. It all depends on whether or not they need a sign-spinner.

Donald Trump says that if he is president, he will punish women who have abortions, although he doesn’t yet know what that punishment would be. You know, aside from Donald Trump being the president.

Jennifer Lopez recently performed at the $1 billion wedding of a Russian oligarch’s son. That’s right — she sang her new song, "So This Is What Things Have Come To."

The Late Late Show with James Corden

Last night was the GOP town hall on CNN and of course all of the focus was on Ted Cruz and Donald Trump. I have to say, Trump and Cruz are turning into the real-life version of “Batman v Superman”: It's taking too long and it sucks.

Trump's campaign manager Corey Lewandowski was recently arrested and charged with battery of a female reporter after he allegedly grabbed and twisted her arm, but Trump is dismissing the allegations and is standing by his campaign manager. I know what you are thinking — how is this the one time that Trump doesn't say, "You're fired."

Trump's explanation for keeping Lewandowski on staff is that he's a loyal person. And Trump IS a loyal person. Just ask any of his three wives.

Thu, 03/31/16

Joke Day: #3534

From: 03/31/16

Top of Page   Joke: 9/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Tomorrow is April Fools’ Day, which means everyone will be waiting for Donald Trump to finally say, “Gotcha! I never wanted to be president! I can’t believe you dummies let it go on this long!”

Meanwhile, Hillary Clinton said Republicans are trying to act like President Obama's not still president. Also doing that: President Obama. He's going to Cuba, doing the tango in Argentina. He’s basically checking off his bucket list.

If Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton are the two nominees, it will be the first time both parties' nominees are over 65 years old. Which should explain that one debate where they just play checkers in the park. “King me!”

Trump and Hillary would be the oldest nominees since 1848. Or as Bernie Sanders put it, “My first campaign!”

Chipotle is considering opening a new restaurant that specializes in hamburgers. After what their burritos did, Chipotle now wants to ruin a new set of buns.

The Late Late Show with James Corden

In an interview with a Swedish newspaper, an Iraqi woman revealed that she was married to a man for months before discovering that he was the leader of ISIS. Now, as much as that's bad news for her, it's good for us men, right? Because my wife thought it was bad that I sometimes sneak eating Krispy Kremes. It turns out it could be so much worse.

This woman should have been tipped off when during the vows at their wedding the groom said, "Until death to America do us part."

She said she thought it was strange that her husband would disappear for weeks at a time. But it makes sense. His man cave was literally a cave.

If she does finally find a new boyfriend, I feel bad for that guy. He's never going to be able to say, “I'm just going away for the weekend with the boys.” She'll be like, “Oh, are you, Josh? Or are you the head of ISIS?”

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Donald Trump met with the Republican National Committee today. I wish I could have been a part of that meeting. Like Dr. Frankenstein meeting with his monster.

Trump is busy preparing for what might be a losing battle in Wisconsin. The Wisconsin primary is on Tuesday and in the most recent polls, Trump trails Ted Cruz by 10 points. Try saying that 10 times fast.

President Obama yesterday commuted the sentences of 61 federal prisoners, most of whom were low-level drug offenders. Then he had lunch with a bunch of them. Obama ate lunch with seven former inmates. Usually former inmates have to be on the team that won the Super Bowl to get invited to the White House for lunch.

Here in California Whoopi Goldberg is launching a line of medical marijuana products for women. The company is called Whoopi & Maya. Starting next month the company will sell a line of items that includes medical cannabis bath soap, sipping chocolate, body balm, all sorts of luxurious ways to get pot into your brain.

California produced $2.7 billion in medical marijuana sales last year — it's our biggest cash crop, not including the Kardashians.

Whoopi said she wants to go nice and slow with the new venture; I'm sure all the marijuana will help with that.

Maybe this is why Whoopi was the only one who could see Patrick Swayze in "Ghost," she was high the whole time.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

After saying in an interview that there should be punishment for women who undergo illegal abortions, Donald Trump last night started to walk back his comments by claiming he meant to say doctors should be punished. And I have to say, it’s pretty ironic that Trump had to use Plan B.

Donald Trump was in Washington, D.C., today to meet privately with members of his newly established foreign policy team. They went over key points like, “This one’s Europe,” and “No, no, no, THIS one’s Europe.”

Bernie Sanders today held a campaign rally in the South Bronx. Sanders said it was great to be in a neighborhood where he wasn’t the loudest person.

Following the success of “Star Wars: The Force Awakens,” experts are reporting baby names like Kylo and Rey are increasing in popularity. As in, “Help! Someone just beat up Kylo and Rey!”

Fri, 04/01/16

Joke Day: #3535

From: 04/01/16

Top of Page   Joke: 10/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

We have New Jersey governor Chris Christie on the show tonight, which means right now, Donald Trump is unlocking his basement going, "Oh, no, he escaped."

I saw that Jeb Bush is going back to giving speeches after his failed run for the Republican nomination. He's actually a very talented motivational speaker, because after you listen to his life story, you feel great about yourself.

An STD clinic in Los Angeles is copying Bernie Sanders' campaign slogan to advertise its testing services. "Feel the burn? Freestdtest.org." Makes sense because just like STDs, Bernie's campaign is super popular on college campuses.

Tesla unveiled its new model 3 electric car. And I saw that fans were camping outside Tesla stores to reserve one. Camping out is actually great practice for when their cars run out of power 30 miles from the nearest outlets.

Sat, 04/02/16

Joke Day: #3536

From: 04/04/16

Top of Page   Joke: 11/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Tomorrow is the Wisconsin presidential primary, which could actually be pivotal for the Republican race for president. While Milwaukee has already played a major role by making all the beer that's helped us through it.

Donald Trump told The Washington Post that he'll be able to get the United States completely out of debt in eight years. When asked how, Trump was like, "Easy, declare bankruptcy and start fresh! It's fantastic. I've done it already. It's amazing."

Hillary Clinton said on "Meet the Press" yesterday that the FBI has not reached out to schedule an interview with her regarding her private email server. When asked how she'd respond to such a request, Hillary said, "Oh, I'd delete it."

North Korea officially announced it is blocking Facebook. So it looks like someone forgot to write "Happy Birthday" on Kim Jong Un's wall.

Apparently thousands of jellyfish completely covered a beach in South Florida over the weekend. Then authorities were like, "No, wait, it's just a nude beach for the elderly.”

Conan O'Brien

Members of Bernie Sanders' campaign staff say they regret not reaching out to black voters earlier. They also regret that, when they did reach out to black voters, it was to ask if they could touch their hair.

Ted Cruz said that a "white knight" is not going to parachute into the Republican convention and walk away with the nomination. To which the GOP responded, "You had us at 'white.'"

A huge document leak has exposed shady financial dealings involving famous people like Vladimir Putin and Jackie Chan. I don’t know about you but I smell a buddy movie.

Greece has put into place its new plan of deporting unwanted migrants. The plan was the brainchild of new Greek minister "Adonis Trumpadopoulos."

This week is the 43rd anniversary of the first cellphone call. Historians still don’t know which movie theater it took place in.

Alaska Air has announced that it’s purchasing Virgin Airlines for $2.6 billion. It’s the most money ever spent on a virgin since my parents bought me a car after my college graduation.

The Late Late Show with James Corden

It's Major League Baseball's opening day and before anyone could even steal a base, a valuable piece of baseball memorabilia has already been stolen. Two thieves robbed the Make-A-Wish Foundation office in San Francisco. They made off with a scooter signed by the San Francisco Giants’ Hunter Pence.

The Make-A-Wish office has been robbed twice now. I think someone needs to wish for a working lock.

Someone should tell these burglars that it really is just an office building. They don't keep actual wishes in there.

A man in New Orleans could be facing a life sentence for stealing $31 worth of candy from a drug store. This is due to Louisiana's repeat offender law. Because he's had previous convictions for shoplifting at Rite Aid and Blockbuster Video.

If stealing candy is this illegal, 12-year-old me should have gotten the electric chair.

In the first three months of 2016 there were 31 murders in New Orleans. But this guy got caught? Maybe take some of the cops from the candy unit and put them on murder patrol.

I feel for this guy. That has got to be a tough conversation once you're in prison. “Yeah, I'm in for armed robbery and arson, what about you?” “Oh, you know, the new peanut butter Twix.”

He hasn't been convicted yet and this guy is just hoping the judge in the trial gives him a break. Gives him a break — breaks him off a piece of that Kit Kat bar.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Bernie Sanders said today that none of the ideas he's proposed in his campaign are radical or unrealistic other than, of course, the idea of a 74-year-old Jewish president with a $2 haircut.

House Speaker Paul Ryan today continued to shoot down rumors that he could be a surprise candidate at the Republican convention and said that he's not the fresh face his party needs. I guess he hasn't gotten a look at the other faces in contention.

Donald Trump said in a recent interview that the press conference held to announce his candidacy for president looked like the Academy Awards. No black people.

A man was arrested on Friday by Secret Service officers for climbing over the White House fence. "I just wanted to see the Oval Office," said Jeb.

Disneyland Paris is temporarily shutting down its haunted house after an employee was found dead inside the attraction. But those last few customers really got their money's worth.

Sun, 04/03/16

Joke Day: #3537

From: 04/05/16
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page   Joke: 12/25

Late Night With Seth Meyers

At a campaign event in Wisconsin yesterday, a 16-year-old boy threw an egg at Donald Trump but missed. And I can’t quite explain it, but somehow it hit Jeb Bush.

Donald Trump said yesterday that acting more presidential would make his campaign “boring as hell.” Though if he gets elected, I suppose “boring” is the best version of hell we can hope for.

A new iPhone feature has been developed that will interpret and describe Facebook photos to blind people. Finally doing away with the one good thing about being blind.

“American Idol” aired the first episode of its three-part series finale tonight. But the last episode you watched aired six years ago.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

Spanish Prime Minister Mariano Rajoy wants to reduce Spain's three-hour siesta to one hour. They're just going to have a lunch break like everybody else. Instead of going home for their nap, they'd sleep at their desk like the rest of us.

Well, I'm here to say, “Spain, no es bueno.” You don't realize it, but you're threatening an American tradition of making fun of Spain for being a lazy country where nothing gets done. That's important to us.

To us, Spain is a fanciful wonderland where everyone sleeps all afternoon and dinner is actually 100 little dinners on tiny plates. You order too much and still are hungry.

When we travel to Spain, we want the convenience of nothing being open in the middle of the day. "I'd like to cash a check, please." "I'm sorry, señor, the money is sleeping."

Mon, 04/04/16

Joke Day: #3538

From: 04/05/16
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page   Joke: 13/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

After weeks of back and forth, Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton have finally agreed to hold a debate in Brooklyn next Thursday. You know you're in New York when you have to argue over the date of when you're going to argue.

Next Thursday’s debate will be at the Brooklyn Navy Yard. Bernie says he chose the location because of its history, while Hillary liked it because it's remote, poorly lit, and close to the East River.

A new study finds that some people may be genetically programmed to be vegetarians. So in addition to having your grandmother's eyes, you can also inherit her ability to be difficult at restaurants.

More than 11.5 million documents called the “Panama Papers” just leaked, and they link Vladimir Putin to $2 billion held in secret offshore accounts. If confirmed, it could be the LEAST bad thing Putin's ever done.

Amazon Prime just unveiled new buttons you can press to order Doritos, Red Bull, and Trojan condoms. Or as that's called in New Jersey, “A gift basket.”

Conan O'Brien

Donald Trump is polling so badly with women that at a rally last night, he had his wife, Melania, introduce him. Because if there’s one thing that’s guaranteed to get American women on your side, it’s a foreign model who’s married to a billionaire and never has to work.

In an attempt to win over Wisconsin, Ted Cruz said, "To be honest, I like cheese on cheese." Of course when he was campaigning in Florida he said, "I like meth on meth."

The Hillary Clinton campaign believes that Donald Trump is going to go after her occasional "health problems." Today, Hillary reminded Trump that being a woman over 40 is not a "health problem."

Warner Bros. is reportedly working on a new Speedy Gonzales movie. After hearing about it, Mickey Mouse said, "Wow, they ARE taking our jobs."

A California woman has turned her home into a sanctuary for 1,000 cats. She’s applied for both tax and man exempt status.

KFC is undergoing a massive $185 million effort to upgrade its restaurants. Not to be outdone, Arby’s has swapped out the rabbit’s foot on its restroom key for a rainbow Koosh ball.

The Late Late Show with James Corden

The social media platform Twitter just signed a historic deal with the NFL to live stream Thursday Night Football games this coming season. Before this, the only thing Twitter ever live streamed was Kanye West’s meltdowns.

Facebook will still have a live feed of your ex-girlfriend thriving without you.

Meanwhile in the world of baseball, Washington National Bryce Harper received some flak for wearing a hat that says "Make baseball fun again” on opening day. The hat is a take on Donald Trump's "Make America Great Again," and what better way to make baseball fun again than by reminding all of your Latino teammates about how Donald Trump wants to deport them.

I haven't gotten into baseball yet, but watching the game yesterday did make me think that Bryce Harper's got a point, and there are ways you can make it more fun. So here’s our first idea: Make the games five hours shorter.

Here's another idea: We let Chris Christie play one game a year for every team. He has to play one time for every team. It's a curse for them, but a blessing for us because we get to see this every week.

Tue, 04/05/16

Joke Day: #3539

From: 04/06/16

Top of Page   Joke: 14/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Bernie Sanders won on the Democratic side in the Wisconsin primary. Sanders' Wisconsin supporters celebrated by drinking Old Milwaukee, or as Bernie calls it, "Young Milwaukee."

Donald Trump suffered a big loss yesterday in Wisconsin to Ted Cruz. Or as Trump put it, "I hit a wall. A big wall. And I'm going to have to pay for it."

In a new study, three in four Americans told pollsters that they were angry because, quote, "Public officials don’t care what people like me think." They got even angrier when the pollsters were like, "Yeah, I wasn’t asking you, I was asking the guy behind you."

I saw that Rob Kardashian just got engaged to model Blac Chyna. Yeah, “Blac Chyna.” Or as Trump calls that, “his worst nightmare.”

The chair that J.K. Rowling sat in while she wrote the first two Harry Potter books went up for auction today. So if your kid is a big Harry Potter fan, this would fbe the perfect gift to disappoint them. “It’s the chair where a lady sat when she wrote them! Go ahead! Sit in it!”

Conan O'Brien

Some people are blaming Donald Trump’s loss in Wisconsin on the fact that he made fun of Ted Cruz’s wife with a photo on Twitter. Trump said he regrets the decision and wishes he had used Instagram.

In an interview, Spike Lee said that Bernie Sanders' campaign song should be "Brooklyn’s in the House." Today, Bernie Sanders said, "I don’t know who this 'Spike Lee' is, but I hope he can deliver the Asian vote."

A new study claims 1 in 50 men is unwittingly raising someone else’s child. I was shocked, and so was my son, "Rodrigo Garcia."

After being surpassed by a Chinese company, Walmart is no longer the largest retailer in the world. But don’t worry, Walmart still has the largest customers.

While campaigning in Wisconsin, Ted Cruz refused to wear the traditional Wisconsin "Cheesehead." Ted Cruz said the Cheesehead would compromise the dignity that he one day hopes to have.

The Late Late Show with James Corden

Chris Christie was the focus of a shaming campaign after a fan at a basketball game photographed him seemingly pouring a bag of M&Ms into a box of M&Ms. I guarantee you Chris Christie did not know the score of that basketball game.

Are we really shocked Chris Christie is eating M&Ms? The man endorsed Trump. He sucks at making healthy decisions.

My point is that Chris Christie eating M&Ms isn't something that should go viral. It's basically what we expect. Like nobody would get excited if they caught Bernie Sanders cutting his own hair in a bus station bathroom. It's just what he does.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Following his win in Wisconsin, Ted Cruz today campaigned in the Bronx. Said Cruz supporters, “None of us live there.”

Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders have scheduled a debate for next Thursday in Brooklyn. Which is about as close as Bernie Sanders can get to Wall Street without spontaneously combusting.

John Kasich yesterday responded to Donald Trump’s calls on him to suspend his campaign and said, quote, “I’m not dropping out, I’m dropping in.” Specifically, in the polls.

The DEA has announced that by the middle of the year they may decide to remove marijuana from its Schedule 1 category of dangerous drugs. Because, let’s face it, it’s absurd to have “marijuana” and “schedule” in the same sentence.

Subway has begun posting calorie counts on the menu boards at its 27,000 stores nationwide. And Chipotle is posting a body count.

Wed, 04/06/16

Joke Day: #3540

From: 04/07/16

Top of Page   Joke: 15/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

The presidential election has shifted its focus to New York. And a lot of candidates are already here campaigning. It’s the first time that the city that never sleeps is like, "Well, good night."

Hillary Clinton was campaigning in New York today and actually visited Yankee Stadium. Bernie Sanders spent the entire day looking for the Brooklyn Dodgers. "They were here when I left! Where did they go? Where are they?"

On the Republican side, I saw that Ted Cruz visited a matzah factory in Brooklyn. Of course, matzah is the unleavened bread that Jewish people eat for Passover, and Ted Cruz is the presidential candidate that New Yorkers will definitely pass over.

A new study found that many popular oregano brands are really olive leaves and other leaves falsely labeled as oregano. Or as high school stoners put it, “Wait, this still isn't marijuana?”

Conan O'Brien

After losing in Wisconsin, there has been a big shake-up in the Trump campaign staff. In fact, the guy in charge of racist comments is now in charge of sexist comments.

John Kasich had to move his campaign event to a larger venue when he got more RSVPs than expected. Kasich said, "We had to move it from a toll booth to a Sunglass Hut."

Two dangerous mentally-ill men have escaped from a Washington state psychiatric hospital. They're now the leading contenders in the Republican presidential race.

A motel owner in Colorado revealed that he spent 29 years watching his customers have sex. He finally stopped when he got cable.

There's a new app that turns your texts into lines from Shakespeare. The most popular one used for booty calls is, "Art thou up?"

The IRS has introduced new technology allowing you to pay your taxes at a 7-Eleven. So just imagine: You can now declare your earnings from 2015 while eating a hot dog from 2005.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

The New York primary is fast approaching and Ted Cruz today stopped in Brooklyn to tour a matzah bakery. But he still didn't see as many crackers as Donald Trump does at his rallies.

While campaigning in New York today, Hillary Clinton rode the subway and had to swipe her metro card five times before getting through a turnstile. Though if you know Hillary Clinton, you know she'll keep trying until she gets in.

She swiped her metro card five times, which means it only took the crowd behind her 10 seconds to go from "Oh my God it's Hillary!" to "Let's go lady!"

Thu, 04/07/16

Joke Day: #3541

From: 04/08/16

Top of Page   Joke: 16/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Yesterday, former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani announced that he's voting for Donald Trump in the upcoming New York primary. When asked why, Giuliani said, “Because if he wins, he'll have to move to Washington.”

Donald Trump announced he's changing up his campaign staff and adding a convention manager. Which is the most creative way I've heard someone describe the word "Bouncer."

Donald Trump's daughter, Ivanka, just gave birth last week and she's already back on the campaign trail for her dad. Ivanka's friends were like, "Shouldn't you be with the baby?" And Ivanka was like, "Yeah, I'm campaigning for him.”

Bernie Sanders said that he went to Boy Scout camp in New York. You can tell it was a while ago because Bernie Sanders didn't learn how to make a fire at Boy Scout camp — he discovered fire.

A man at Wal-Mart in Missouri has been fired for hugging people to thank them for their business. After being told he was getting fired, the man said, "Oh, I don't work here."

Fri, 04/08/16

Joke Day: #3542

From: 04/11/16

Top of Page   Joke: 17/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

We're just three days away from the big Democratic debate right here in New York. And both Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders have been busy campaigning throughout the city. Bernie even had some time to see the Broadway show “Hamilton” with his wife. Though it got awkward when Bernie stood up and said, “I knew Alexander Hamilton! And you sir, are no Alexander Hamilton!”

Bernie Sanders said on Friday that his goal for financial reform is to “make banking boring again.” I think I speak for all Americans when I say, let’s just make elections boring again.

Sen. Lindsey Graham said in an interview last week that if he can support Ted Cruz, anybody can do it. You know it's bad when your best endorsement sounds like a bad diet plan.

Hotel and casino tycoon Steve Wynn is under fire after he said, “Rich people only like being around rich people. Nobody likes being around poor people, especially poor people.” In related news, Donald Trump needs a new opening line for his inauguration speech.

Conan O'Brien

A car owned by Hillary Clinton is up for sale. Like Hillary, the car has been hit from all sides and lately has been starting to stall.

Researchers are saying that men who marry intelligent women are less likely to develop dementia later in life. After hearing this, Kanye West said, "Where am I?"

Uber has agreed to pay a $10 million settlement against claims that it was doing poor background checks. The money is expected to arrive in a silver Kia in four minutes.

A 104-year-old man just became the oldest person in the world to get a first tattoo. The tattoo says, "Do Not Resuscitate."

For the first time ever, there are now more overweight people in the world than underweight people. The study was conducted by simply looking around.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Donald Trump's very upset lately about the election, or lack of an election, in Colorado. In Colorado, they don't have a primary or a caucus because they're too high to vote.

Colorado has a month-long process of local meetings where they just meet and choose the delegates. Somehow Ted Cruz made a clean sweep, he got all of them. So Trump criticized the process. Trump says the Republican Party is trying to slow his momentum by using what he called crooked shenanigans, which are the worst kind of shenanigans.

Why do I have a feeling if Donald Trump doesn't win he's going to sue all of us?

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Bernie Sanders won this weekend's Wyoming caucus, which was his seventh win in a row over Hillary Clinton. Clinton said she's still not worried. But it was hard to understand her through the wallet she was biting.

We are now four days away from Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders’ Thursday night debate in Brooklyn, which means Hillary's already tried 600 different ways to ask, "Is Brooklyn in the house?

According to reports, two of Donald Trump's children will not be able to vote at New York's primary because they failed to register before the deadline. So I guess you just lost two votes, Ted Cruz.

Bernie Sanders and his wife, on Friday, saw the hit Broadway musical "Hamilton." Sanders said afterwards, "That's not how I remember it."

Bernie Sanders visited Coney Island yesterday. And somehow, after he rode the roller coaster, his hair was neater.

Sat, 04/09/16

Joke Day: #3543

From: 04/12/16

Top of Page   Joke: 18/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

I saw that Bill Clinton was in the Bronx campaigning for Hillary yesterday, and visited the “Hebrew Home for the Aging.” While Hillary actually went there to drop off Bernie Sanders.

The director of the CIA says that no matter who the next president is, the agency will not use waterboarding ever again. Instead, he's come up with a new way to torture people: turn off the Wi-Fi when they visit their parents’ house.

A Starbucks customer in Florida was just in the news because apparently, when he ordered a grande white mocha, the barista labeled it, "Diabetes Here I Come." But on the bright side, it was the first time that “Diabetes Here I Come” ever had his name spelled correctly on a Starbucks cup.

Researchers in California found that 74 percent of mothers confessed that they like one child better than another. Then one mother said, “Don’t use my name, 'cuz I don't want Jeb to find out.”

I read that hoarding is getting worse in the U.S. and affects over 15 million Americans. Of course it might be higher now, 'cuz I read that in a newspaper I've been saving since 2003.

Conan O'Brien

According to some analysts, Donald Trump’s support is deeper than it looks. Although others say Trump just took the support he has and combed it over to make it look better.

It’s come out that President Obama has been allowed to see special advance episodes of the new season of "Game of Thrones." Obama says he watches "Game of Thrones" to remember what it’s like to have reasonably sane people compete for leadership.

In a recent interview, Ted Cruz’s wife, Heidi, said Donald Trump’s nasty tweet about her looks did not impact her. Heidi Cruz said, "Part of my marriage vow to Ted was to give up all human feeling."

John Kasich gave a 30-minute speech in New York City. Afterwards, the crowd applauded Kasich and then put $8.34 in his hat.

A new exhibit shows eight of the alternate endings Ernest Hemingway considered using for his classic novel "A Farewell to Arms." In my opinion the worst is the one that ends with "see ya later, arms!"

Late Night With Seth Meyers

A new poll has found that Bernie Sanders is the most likable of all the presidential candidates. Which, let’s face it, is kind of like being the best-dressed person at Wal-Mart.

The cast of ABC’s "Scandal" is set to appear at a fundraiser for Hillary Clinton later this month. Unless she loses in New York, in which case she’d like to speak with the folks at "How to Get Away With Murder."

House Speaker Paul Ryan this afternoon issued a formal statement ruling himself out as a potential replacement candidate if there is a contested Republican convention. And you know things are bad in the Republican Party when people who aren’t even running are dropping out of the race.

Tomorrow night will be Kobe Bryant’s last NBA game. He says he's looking forward to retirement and his teammates are looking forward to finding out what the ball feels like.

Sun, 04/10/16

Joke Day: #3544

From: 04/13/16

Top of Page   Joke: 19/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

The big New York primary, which happens next Tuesday, is looking pretty good for Hillary Clinton. In fact, website FiveThirtyEight says Hillary has a 99 percent chance of winning the primary for New York. When he heard, Bernie Sanders said, “My God, I've become part of the 1 percent!”

Last night, CNN hosted a town hall with Republican front-runner Donald Trump, and at one point he complained that the rules of the election are stacked against him “by the establishment.” You gotta give it to Trump. He's the only man who could inherit millions of dollars, have his name on buildings, and still go, “Life is totally unfair!”

Trump’s family was also at the town hall, and Trump’s daughter Ivanka was asked if the election is straining her friendship with Chelsea Clinton. Which means we have officially begun the presidential campaign of 2032, everybody!

I read that audience members at the Broadway musical version of “American Psycho” are complaining that fake blood has been splattering on the people sitting in the front row. It's not just ruining their clothes — it's making it impossible for them to hail a cab after the show. “OK — I can explain the blood!”

Jimmy Kimmel Live

After 20 years, Kobe Bryant tonight played his final game in purple and gold. He suited up for the Lakers for the very last time. Kobe's officially retired from basketball. The rest of the team retired in November.

Tickets for the game were very expensive. Really you had two choices: Pay thousands to be a part of basketball history, or just lie and say you were there, for free.

The new Spider-Man is a teenager. Last night they unveiled the title and logo for the new Spider-Man film, "Spider-Man Homecoming." Which is interesting. When I was in high school, "Spider-Man" is what I was reading instead of going to homecoming.

Some prominent Republican congressmen are saying they might not even go to the convention, which is in Cleveland this summer. Not because it might get crazy — they're saying they can't go because they have work to do. This summer. These are congressmen. All of a sudden they've got work to do?

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Donald Trump’s son Eric said last night that his father is his “best friend in the entire world.” Said Donald, “Right back at ya, Jeff.”

Bernie Sanders this morning joined the Verizon workers picket line here in New York. It’s a perfect match, because Bernie always talks like he’s getting bad reception.

Bernie Sanders today received his first senatorial endorsement from Oregon Sen. Jeff Merkley. Or as he’ll be known under President Hillary Clinton, “Ambassador to North Korea Jeff Merkley.”

The New York MTA has announced that they plan to phase out MetroCards by 2021. “But I just learned!” said Hillary.

Mon, 04/11/16

Joke Day: #3545

From: 04/14/16

Top of Page   Joke: 20/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Tonight was the big Democratic debate between Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders. They discussed important issues such as national security, the economy, and whose supporters are the most annoying on Facebook.

Over 27,000 people attended a massive rally for Bernie Sanders in Manhattan's Washington Square Park. Well, technically, 7,000 people showed up for Bernie, while 20,000 New Yorkers just saw a line and got in it.

Producers for "Game of Thrones" confirmed that President Obama has requested and will receive episodes of the show's new season before it airs on HBO. So he can call up the Republicans and spoil it for them. “Jon Snow's alive! Bye.”

Congrats to Kobe Bryant! Last night, he scored 60 points in his last game before retiring. When asked if they were excited to start getting the ball more often, his teammates said, "Oh, he took the ball with him."

In a recent interview, Kourtney Kardashian says that she eats avocado pudding for breakfast. You know the Kardashians are out of touch when they don't even know the word for guacamole.

Conan O'Brien

Tonight, Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders debated in Brooklyn. And they’ll follow that up tomorrow with a rap battle in the Bronx.

When asked about his potential running mates, Donald Trump said he would consider Marco Rubio, Scott Walker, and John Kasich. Or as Trump calls them, "Shrimpy, Stupidface, and Loser."

A man has been sentenced to five years in jail for trying to smuggle 51 turtles in his pants. The man has already told his cellmate, "There’s nothing you can do to me that 51 turtles haven’t."

Russian President Vladimir Putin appeared on a call-in show for Russian television and he actually took questions. The most common question Putin got was, "Will I ever see my family again?"

The hamburger chain In-N-Out is upset because a bikini-clad woman made a video of herself handling their meat in a suggestive way. The CEO said, "What kind of sicko would sexualize In-N-Out?"

According to a new poll, Trader Joe's is no longer America's favorite grocery store. The story was reported in this morning’s "Emergency News for White People."

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Kobe Bryant pulled one last rabbit out of his hat, 60 points in his farewell game, the most points scored by any player all season long. Kobe Bryant should have retired after every game, is what we realized.

It’s funny to think that Kobe Bryant is retiring at the same time that Bernie Sanders is running for president.

Bernie Sanders is headed to the Vatican tomorrow to make a speech. Going all the way to the Vatican to make a 15-minute speech and the Pope isn't even going to be there. Why he's doing this? Even people running his campaign don't know. Maybe he wants to get in good with God since they'll probably be meeting soon.

Bernie will be out of the country for a bit. But don't worry, his supporters will still be on Facebook yelling at you.

Donald Trump has new enemies — several former contestants from his show "The Apprentice" are speaking out against him. Donald Trump’s "Apprentice" contestants turning on him is like the cast of "Survivor" deciding to eat Jeff Probst.

Yesterday Trump met with one of his arch nemeses, Megyn Kelly. They talked for an hour. In the end they agreed to put aside their differences and get back to what's important, which is getting white people very angry.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

During their family town hall event on CNN last night, Ted Cruz's wife revealed that their daughters want Taylor Swift to be their first guest to visit the White House. Aw, that's so cute. They think he has a chance.

During last night's town hall, Ted Cruz talked about how his daughters often play a game with him, called “attack the daddy.” His daughter was like, "It's not a game."

Over 27,000 people attended Bernie Sanders' rally in Washington Square Park last night. Which is especially crazy, since Bernie only went to the park to play chess.

Bernie Sanders is visiting Rome tomorrow. He'll be flying middle class. "We have to share the armrests equally! It's everyone's armrest."

A new poll has named Wegmans as America's favorite grocery store, as opposed to Chris Christie's choice of whatever's the closest.

Tue, 04/12/16

Joke Day: #3546

From: 04/15/16

Top of Page   Joke: 21/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Monday is Tax Day. That one day out of the year even Democrats turn into Republicans.

Several alumni of "The Apprentice" held a press conference to say that Donald Trump should not be president. While on the other hand, Gary Busey went to the park to register squirrels to vote. "President Trump will save your acorns!"

Ted Cruz and his wife appeared in a town hall on CNN recently and his wife said that after they got back from their honeymoon, Ted bought 100 cans of Campbell's chunky soup. But to be fair, I feel like anyone who has watched this election is probably stocking up on canned goods.

Ted Cruz's daughters were also at the town hall. They said that if they end up in the White House, they want to have Taylor Swift over for dinner. Then Ted Cruz said, "I hope she likes chunky soup because I have 200 cans in the living room."

Cicadas are coming back next month. These unusual insects spend almost all of their lives in holes underground and only emerge once every 17 years to mate. Sort of like any couple with a Netflix account.

Wed, 04/13/16

Joke Day: #3547

From: 04/18/16

Top of Page   Joke: 22/25

Jimmy Kimmel Live

I want to wish everyone a happy Tax Day. I guess it's only happy if you get money back. I hate that you have to put stamps on the envelope to send in. They can't just throw that in? They charge us $1.41 to have the honor of sending them half the money we earn this year.

This is the kind of money the candidates should be focused on right now. Tax returns are basically an 11th grade math test administered to adults. If we fail we go to prison. That's how it works.

The president and the first lady got their taxes done. I'm not sure if they have to release it or they just do. They made $436, 035, the lowest amount they've made since he took office. Donald Trump made more money than that last year selling hats.

AC/DC has a new lead singer. Axle rose will replace Brian Johnson. At 54-years-old, he will be the youngest member of the group. They are still on a “Highway to Hell,” but they're in the far right lane.

Thu, 04/14/16

Joke Day: #3548

From: 04/19/16

Top of Page   Joke: 23/25

The Late Late Show with James Corden

Coachella was this weekend, and if you don't know what Coachella is, it's a festival where everyone goes to the desert and takes selfies.

Yesterday was also tax day, and there have been reports from Coachella that concert-goers tried to file their taxes from a makeshift post office at the festival.

I really feel sorry for the bands, because how bad does a band have to suck for people in the audience to go, "You know, I'd better go do my taxes."

It feels like most people aren't even going for the music, they're just going to be seen. There are reports of people spending up to $20,000 on fashion accessories and liposuction for Coachella. I have to say, this is the most L.A. thing that could happen at a music festival.

You don't need to get liposuction to feel good about yourself at Coachella. Just do what everybody else is doing to feel better about themselves — drugs.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

It is primary night in New York tonight. We're still in the primaries — we should at least be in the secondaries by now.

The winner of the New York primary gets delegates, momentum, and most importantly two tickets in the front mezzanine to see "Hamilton."

Donald Trump had a bit of a stumble yesterday. He was giving a speech in Buffalo and accidentally referred to the devastating terrorist attacks of 7/11 instead of 9/11. Of course, who can forget that fateful day when the Coke-flavored Slurpee machine broke and we were forced to settle for that blue raspberry stuff.

Donald has actually been pretty quiet for the last week or so. And I don't like it. It's like when the kids stop making noise. Something's wrong.

In Washington, D.C., yesterday Ben and Jerry, the ice cream guys, were arrested for being part of a political protest on the steps of the Capitol building. But some good did come out of it. They got a lot of new attention for their cause. Also, they got a new flavor of ice cream, which is Toilet Wine Toffee Crunch.

A popular designer, Marc Jacobs, is trying to get "#malepolish" going. Like nail polish but for men. He's posting his painted nails on Instagram and he says he's putting the "man" back in manicure. But it really seems like he's putting the "ick" back in manicure.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

Today is primary day right here in the Big Apple. A day when New Yorkers proudly line up at the voting booth and declare with one voice, "Hurry up in there, I got stuff to do."

Britain's National Environmental Research Council announced a boat-naming contest a little over a month ago in an effort to build public interest in Arctic research — while there is still some Arctic left to research.

Thousands of entries were submitted and the name "Boaty McBoatface" got four times more votes than any other name. I believe it's the best name for a boat. Just as the best name for a man is Manny McManface.

If they overturn this vote, they're Butty McButtfaces.

Ben and Jerry from Ben & Jerry's ice cream got themselves into a scoop of trouble yesterday at Capitol Hill protesting against money and politics. The two were arrested — surprisingly, not for the murder of my waistline.

Fri, 04/15/16

Joke Day: #3549

From: 04/20/16

Top of Page   Joke: 24/25

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

Harriet Tubman will be replacing Andrew Jackson on the $20 bill. It's truly exciting to have a woman on there. Although, unfortunately, due to the wage gap, it is now worth $17.

The New York primary results were a good old-fashioned Empire State boot stomping by Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump. New Yorkers haven't seen a thrashing this bad since any Knicks game.

What really impressed me last night was the way CNN announced the winners. The winners will have their victories displayed on the Empire State building.

I don't think it's fair that CNN gets to control the Empire State building. They already have a beam of radiant light that delivers the news: Anderson Cooper.

Sat, 04/16/16

Joke Day: #3550

From: 04/21/16

Top of Page   Joke: 25/25

Jimmy Kimmel Live

In San Diego near the border of Mexico, the federal agents found a tunnel that is 800 yards long. Which, imagine running a touch down the full length of the field eight times. Thank God for football or I wouldn't have any sense of distance.

It's the longest cross border tunnel ever discovered. Authorities seized two tons of cocaine and seven tons of marijuana. That means weekend two of Coachella is going to suck.

Donald Trump said something un-Trumpy this morning. He was on “The Today Show” and Matt Lauer asked him about the transgender law, and whether Caitlyn Jenner would be welcome to use the bathroom at Trump Tower, and Trump said she should be able to use whatever bathroom she wants.

Ted Cruz believes that transgender people should hold it in.

Why is this even a thing? Why does this have to be legislated? I mean, really, how many transgendered people can there even be in North Carolina? Five, maybe? Eight tops.

Today is National High Five Day. Derek Smith claimed he came up with the high five while he was playing for the University of Louisville in 1979. That seems wrong because I'm pretty sure Jesus gave high fives after the loaves and fishes thing.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

Now I don't know if you guys are Anglophiles or anything, but if you are, if you are into England, it's Queen Elizabeth's birthday today. She is turning 90 years old. She is the first queen to ever reach that age. There would have been others but they were beheaded.

Queen Elizabeth is having her portrait done by Annie Leibowitz. She's releasing a new stamp in her honor in May. There is a public celebration of her birthday. In June there is a service at St. Paul's plus a big parade — and she gets to wear her birthday tiara all year long.

If you think that you're worried about what is going to happen in this race, just consider Reince Priebus, RNC chairman and man whose name is an anagram for “crisp bee urine.”