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Joke of the Day

Day # Range: 3501 - 3525

Date Range: 02/26/16 - 03/22/16

Late Night Jokes

Newest Jokes at Bottom

Fri, 02/26/16

Joke Day: #3501

From: 02/26/16

Top of Page       Joke: 1/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

During the debate, people noticed there was a woman who kept screaming in the audience. Then Hillary was like, “I'm sorry – I just love how this is going! Perfect! Couldn’t be more perfect!”

Former President George H.W. Bush and his wife Barbara were in attendance for the debate. Or as Jeb put it, “The first debate I'm NOT in is the one you show up to?? Thanks a lot, DAD. This is just like Little League!"

A company in Boston built a 5 foot 9 robot that can open doors, and can actually get back up if it's punched. They didn't MEAN to test whether it can get up after being punched, but well, it's Boston.

Sat, 02/27/16

Joke Day: #3502

From: 03/01/16
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page       Joke: 2/25

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Super Tuesday was today — and this year only, Super Tuesday will be followed by Horrified Wednesday.

There was voting today in 13 states with hundreds of delegates at stake. Jeb Bush spent his Super Tuesday at home ironing and re-ironing his Tommy Bahama shirts.

Every cable news channel covered every morsel of everything from morning until night today, and the funny thing is the election is still 250 days away. You think the red carpet coverage for the Oscars is long, and then you see this.

Donald Trump has been defending himself after failing to immediately condemn an endorsement from former Ku Klux Klan leader David Duke. Trump blamed his hesitation on a bad earpiece. Or maybe he said hairpiece.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Donald Trump said in a new interview that there's nobody that's done so much for equality as he has. Well, he does appear to be doing everything in his power to make sure America has its first female president.

A new report has found that super PACs supporting Marco Rubio and Ted Cruz have spent over $7 million on ads trying to bring down Donald Trump, when they could have just spent $500 on a wind machine.

A Catholic priest in Ireland has resigned after a video surfaced of him snorting cocaine in a room decorated with Nazi memorabilia. He was also the first priest to ever tell someone at confession, "Ah, I think I got you beat."

NASA is currently recruiting people for their rest studies program in which participants will be paid $18,000 to spend 70 days in bed and smoke different types of marijuana. But so far, they've only had 1 billion applicants.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

It is being widely reported that there is solid, photographic proof linking Hillary Clinton to a known terrorist organization. An editor at Politico was tipped off that in Hillary Clinton's book "Living History," Hillary included a picture of her family in 1959 with their cat — ISIS!

That's right, Hillary Clinton's childhood cat was named ISIS. This is the most shocking political pet news since Jimmy Carter revealed his childhood cat's name was Ayatollah Katmeini.

Politico isn't claiming that Hillary Clinton named her cat after ISIS. We have to leave open the possibility that ISIS named themselves after Hillary's cat.

Sun, 02/28/16

Joke Day: #3503

From: 03/01/16
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page       Joke: 3/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Super Tuesday could be do or die for a lot of candidates, including Ted Cruz, who could be knocked out of the race depending on how things went tonight. Cruz said that dropping out would allow him to spend more time with his family, then his family said, “We gotta get this guy some votes!”

Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas spoke during oral arguments yesterday for the first time in over 10 years. I guess his exact words were, “Damn, that was some good weed.”

Kim Kardashian spoke out about Kanye West's Twitter rants and said she wants everyone to be as honest as Kanye. Then people were like, “OK, we don't know why you're famous.”

The very first Boeing 727 ever made, back in 1962, was scheduled to make its last flight today. Passengers were like, “Cool, I'll take the next flight.”

Lawmakers in New Hampshire are now backing a bill that would make it illegal for women to expose their breasts in public because they say it could hurt tourism. Then New Orleans said, “You sure about that?”

Conan O'Brien

Donald Trump said, "There’s nobody that’s done so much for equality as I have." That’s right, he said: "In some states, I’m hated equally by blacks and Hispanics."

Today, 13 states are holding either primaries or caucuses in the big event called Super Tuesday. This year, Super Tuesday will be followed by "Holy S---, Trump Won Everything Wednesday."

Osama bin Laden’s will has come out, and in the will he says he wanted most of his $29 million fortune to be used "on jihad." And $5 million goes to his Siamese cat, Mr. Peepers.

Analysts say Hillary Clinton's plan to defeat Donald Trump involves painting Trump as "dangerous and bigoted." She plans on doing this by quoting Trump accurately.

The Late Late Show with James Corden

Today was Super Tuesday, the day during an election year on which several states hold primary elections. And depending on the results of Super Tuesday, tomorrow could be Panic Wednesday.

This Super Tuesday could be the day that Trump running for president becomes officially not funny anymore.

Why do Americans call this day Super Tuesday? Do you even know what the word "super" means? Calling the primary elections "super" is like calling broccoli a "guilty pleasure."

At a rally in Georgia yesterday, Trump was endorsed by the CEO of NASCAR and several prominent NASCAR drivers. With the NASCAR endorsement, Donald Trump has locked up the coveted "guy you wish your sister would break up with" vote.

The CEO of NASCAR, Brian France, spoke, saying that "Trump is a family man." And it's true, just ask any of Trump's three wives.

To be honest, I don't know why this is even news. Donald Trump being endorsed by NASCAR is like Bernie Sanders being endorsed by a vegan coffee shop.

Mon, 02/29/16

Joke Day: #3504

From: 03/02/16
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page       Joke: 4/25

Jimmy Kimmel Live

You know how in high school sometimes the students will vote for the weirdest kid in class to be prom king as a joke, and then so many people get in on the joke, the kid actually becomes prom king? Well, anyway, Donald Trump won Super Tuesday.

Chris Christie flew all the way to Florida to stand behind Donald Trump supporting him. Throughout the speech, he looks genuinely miserable. He looks like he saw the bottom of a supposedly bottomless pasta bowl at Olive Garden. He looks as though someone just told him butterscotch causes cancer.

Dr. Ben Carson didn't win any states last night, but don't tell him. He slept through the whole thing. He released a statement today that he does not see a path forward to the presidency and will skip the debate tomorrow night. Was he at the last one?

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Following his seven-state win in yesterday’s Super Tuesday primary elections, Donald Trump said during his victory speech that he is a “unifier.” Then he turned to Chris Christie and said, “Right, idiot?”

Following his endorsement of Donald Trump, Chris Christie’s approval numbers in his home state of New Jersey have hit their lowest point. But hitting their highest point: his pants.

The Supreme Court had a power outage during one of its cases yesterday, and justices reportedly continued to ask questions in the dark. Questions like, “Whose hand is that?” and “Well then whose hand is THAT?”

Officials have announced that there is not enough snow to properly start this year’s Iditarod dog sled race in Alaska. “Oh no! Now who’ll whip us?” said the dogs.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

We've seen cataclysmic events, decisions with unknown implications for all our future, choices being made that cannot be undone — because Monday on "The Bachelor," Ben said "I love you" to two different women.

I can see why Ben's in this pickle. It's like choosing between apples and oranges who've been drinking white wine for two months.

Yesterday Americans in 13 states voted in Super Tuesday. Making today "My God, what have we done?" Wednesday.

On the Democratic side, the race is between front-runner Hillary Clinton and the senator from the great state of your liberal friends' Facebook feed, Bernie Sanders.

Bernie won Vermont, Oklahoma, Minnesota and Colorado. But Secretary Clinton had a massive sweep of everything else. Low turnout meant a rough night for Sanders. Evidently, a lot of people who were feeling the Bern got cooled down by some Preparation H.

Tue, 03/01/16

Joke Day: #3505

From: 03/02/16
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page       Joke: 5/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Chris Christie stood right behind Trump at his victory speech last night and a lot of people noticed that Christie didn't look too happy about it. Christie's face is basically America's face. It's like: It's really happening?

Hillary Clinton had a big night, picking up victories in seven states. While speaking in Miami last night Hillary said, "I believe what we need in America today is more love and kindness." Then she added, "And I will crush anyone who won't let me do it."

During her victory rally last night, one of the things Hillary said was that she wants to build a ladder of opportunity. Then people in Mexico said, "Great, we'll use it to climb over the other guy's dumb wall."

Sometimes we like to count how often a politician blinks while giving a speech. But with Ben Carson, it's actually a lot more fun to count how many times he even opens his eyes.

Carson's the first human to get 25 hours of sleep per day. I feel bad making fun of Carson, but it's not like he's gonna see it.

Conan O'Brien

Today, Dr. Ben Carson dropped out of the presidential race after a dismal and ineffective campaign. He said, "The good news is, I’m ready to operate on your baby’s brain again!"

Last night, Marco Rubio won his first state with a victory in the Minnesota primary. It was such a big night, Rubio’s parents let him stay up and watch the returns come in.

A top official in Saudi Arabia said today that a Trump presidency would "set the world back centuries." The Saudi added, "Which is why Trump has our full support."

In New Hampshire, legislators are trying to pass a law that would make public breastfeeding a crime. However, the bill is being opposed by a strong coalition called "Creepy Dudes United."

During his speech on Super Tuesday, Bernie Sanders said, "I am so proud to bring Vermont values all across this country." Then Sanders said, "Now who wants to go antiquing?"

In Orange County, a college student ate In-N-Out for 30 straight days and only gained two pounds. That’s right, he went from 398 to 400.

With only five months to go before the Olympics in Rio de Janeiro, Brazilian organizers are having a lot of trouble selling tickets. Not helping is their promotional offer: "Your Second Bout of Zika Is Free."

The Late Late Show with James Corden

It was a critical Super Tuesday for the Republican Party. Donald Trump won seven states. Of course, the seven states that Donald Trump won were shock, denial, guilt, anger, bargaining, depression, and Alabama.

An analysis of Google shows that searches related to the phrase "How can I move to Canada" spiked last night about 350 percent. Americans always threaten to move to Canada when a reality show host endorsed by the KKK becomes the Republican nominee.

The biggest story yesterday wasn't about Trump or Clinton victories. It was Chris Christie's face during Donald Trump's victory speech. He looks like he had amnesia for a week and just remembered who Donald Trump was.

Wed, 03/02/16

Joke Day: #3506

From: 03/03/16
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page       Joke: 6/25

The Late Late Show with James Corden

American astronaut Scott Kelly returned from the International Space Station yesterday after spending almost a full year in space. A record-breaking year in space. So I guess that means that my 10 months in space are now completely irrelevant.

Upon returning, Scott Kelly measured two inches taller. This is due to his vertebrae not being compressed in a low-gravity environment. And the fact that he started wearing heels.

When he landed, waiting for him on the tarmac was Jill Biden, Joe Biden's wife. There's got to be an easier way to meet Jill Biden. I mean a year in space gets you a meet-and-greet with the vice president's wife. What do you have to do to meet the president?

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Mitt Romney this morning made a televised speech in which he went all in after Donald Trump. He called him a phony and a fraud. He said he's playing the American public for suckers. I haven't seen Mitt this fired up since that time he dripped mayonnaise on a new pair of chambray Dockers.

If Mitt Romney is the big gun the Republicans sent in to stop Trump, they're in a lot of trouble. It's like sending a meter maid in to break up a prison riot.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Ben Carson sat out tonight’s 11th Republican debate. And kinda the first 10.

Chris Christie was asked today about his vacant expression during Donald Trump’s Super Tuesday victory speech, and told reporters, “I wasn’t anything other than happy.” Well, if that expression means you’re happy, then my wife was thrilled when I forgot her birthday.

A farm in Ohio has the words “NO TRUMP” written so large in cow manure that it can be seen by overhead planes. The craziest part — no one asked the cow to do that.

NASA estimates that during his year in space, astronaut Scott Kelly drank almost 200 gallons of water filtered from his own urine and sweat. And then, on the last day, he found all the Fiji bottles he’d brought with him.

According to a recent survey, 15 percent of Americans have admitted to cooking in the nude. Unfortunately, most of them work at Chipotle.

Thu, 03/03/16

Joke Day: #3507

From: 03/03/16
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page       Joke: 7/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Mitt Romney gave a big speech against Donald Trump today and said, "A business genius he is not." Then Romney was like, "Yoda, my speechwriter is."

Romney also said Trump's promises are as worthless as a degree from Trump University. Then Trump said, "Or as worthless as a Romney 2012 poster."

Mitt Romney also said Donald Trump is playing the American public for a free ride to the White House and, quote, "All we get is a lousy hat." Not to mention a $30 picture of how scared we all look on the way down.

The Google search "How to move to Canada" started trending after Donald Trump's impressive showing on Super Tuesday. Or as Canadians put it, "Great, now we need to build a wall."

The Defense Department is inviting hackers to test its cyber security in a new program called "Hack the Pentagon." Which will be followed by another new program called "OK, Please Stop Hacking Us. It's Not Funny Anymore.”

Conan O'Brien

It’s being reported that the Democrats have a plan to "shatter the Republican Party." When he heard, Donald Trump said, "Beat you to it!"

Ted Cruz is trying to tie Donald Trump to a prominent mobster. In an attempt to repair the damage to his reputation, the mobster is distancing himself from Trump.

A marijuana activist group is planning a protest at the White House on April 2. They’re expected to show up around May 9.

Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg has moved up 10 spots in Forbes magazine’s list of richest people. Mostly because he has the credit card numbers of the other 10 people.

Almost five years after Fukushima, a study found Japanese seafood is now "mostly free" of radiation. The study also found that the seafood at Long John Silver’s is "mostly free" of fish.

Fri, 03/04/16

Joke Day: #3508

From: 03/04/16

Top of Page       Joke: 8/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Hillary Clinton came up a lot during the debate. At one point, Ted Cruz even asked Trump why he wrote four checks to Hillary for her campaign in 2008. Trump said, "Look, with all the women I have to write checks to every month, it's easy to get carried away."

Marco Rubio called out Donald Trump for his clothing collection that is being made in China. But trump defended his Chinese workers, saying "I treat those kids like they're my own."

A new report claims that a knife was found buried at O.J. Simpson's estate. They're now analyzing the knife for evidence, but experts warn that it might not be related to the crime. You know, because it could be one of those regular knives people bury in the backyard.

Spotify released a birthing playlist with songs to help women in labor. It includes artists such as John legend. I guess ladies are like, "Hey, his music got into me this mess. Might as well get me out of this mess."

Sat, 03/05/16

Joke Day: #3509

From: 03/07/16
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page       Joke: 9/25

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Big news around here: It rained today. There was rain and even hail this morning. Either that or Justin Bieber was pelting our houses with tiny little eggs.

There were more caucuses and primaries over the weekend. Donald Trump and Ted Cruz each won two states. Rubio won Puerto Rico. Bernie Sanders won a few states. Hillary Clinton won big in Louisiana. Everyone went home with a win letter just like soccer camp. Even John Kasich got one for participation.

He also got a high-profile endorsement from Arnold Schwarzenegger. Arnold officially endorsed John Kasich yesterday. Or maybe he endorsed a chicken quesadilla, I have no idea. I really don't know what he's saying. He can't even say "State of California."

He endorsed Gov. Kasich and gave him a hug, looked like he could pop his head off. This is particularly interesting. Basically Gov. Kasich is hoping to beat the former host of "The Apprentice" with help from the current host of "The Apprentice," Arnold Schwarzenegger.

This is such a strange election. I personally am waiting to see who Dolph Lundgren endorses before I make my decision.

Last week, we had Super Tuesday. On Tuesday. This morning I turn on CNN to find out they're calling tomorrow Super Tuesday 2. There can't be a Super Tuesday 2. Tuesday 2 already has a name — it's Wednesday.

Tinder is testing out what they call a share button. If you see someone on Tinder who you think might be right for someone you know, you can send their profile and your friend can then swipe right for yes or left for no, making you the matchmaker — or setting up a threesome, I don't know.

Tinder is always coming up with new and exciting ways to force us to have sex with each other. Isn't the point of being on Tinder that you don't have to get set up? Now that they have this, how long before your mom gets on it and ruins it for you? “I swiped you right, honey!”

Tinder was designed to get relationships started. There's another new service to help you break up. It's called the Breakup Shop. It's a real company. You can hire them to send a breakup text or make a breakup phone call. A text is $10. A phone call is $29. Why you wouldn't just do this yourself, I have no idea. But they'll also send a card that smells like [manure] if you prefer something old-fashioned.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

The NYPD has announced they'll no longer arrest people for petty crimes like littering, public drinking, and urination. Which means one thing -- Times Square is back, baby!

Instead, lawbreakers will now just receive a summons. Great news for low-level offenders who used to get carted off in handcuffs, and bad news for anyone into that sort of thing.

I'm a little concerned about the timing. Is it wise to lift restrictions on public drinking and urination the week before St. Patrick's Day? To all my viewers in New York, please seek high ground and start piling sand bags.

Marco Rubio has been going hard after Donald Trump, even making fun of Donald's small hands. And I didn't have a show on Friday, so it's been four days since Trump's response, but I don't care, this is what I do for a living, and there's no way I'm going to let an entire election go by without talking about this

But Donald, the issue is out there, and the people have the right to know the size of your "Executive Branch." So I'm calling on you to release the long form. Or the short form. No judgment.

Sun, 03/06/16

Joke Day: #3510

From: 03/07/16
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page       Joke: 10/25

Conan O'Brien

In last night's Democratic debate, Hillary Clinton said that several times a day, she speaks to God. But never for under $100,000.

Donald Trump has dropped to second place in a national poll. On the bright side, he’s still polling No. 1 among "Germans of the 1930s."

Over the weekend, Arnold Schwarzenegger officially endorsed John Kasich. Or he said "a horse junkie is sick," it’s hard to tell.

Today, Broncos star quarterback Peyton Manning retired. Manning thanked his wife, his kids, and the most influential man in his life, Papa John.

Over the weekend, Beyoncé performed at a fundraiser for her daughter’s preschool. Five minutes into the performance, Beyoncé said, "Screw it," and just bought the preschool.

Caitlyn Jenner told an interviewer that Hillary Clinton "only thinks of herself." Jenner said this while promoting the new season of her reality show "I Am Cait."

Colin Powell said recently that the Republican candidates are playing "junior high school tricks on one another." Powell then excused himself to take a call from someone looking for Dick Hertz.

The Late Late Show with James Corden

Yesterday there was yet another presidential debate. I think it was like the 247th debate in this election.

During this debate between the Democratic candidates, CNN anchor Don Lemon referenced the Broadway musical “Avenue Q,” asking if everyone is a little bit racist and what racial blind spot do you have?

“What racial blind spot do you have” is an unanswerable question. No one is going to answer that. No candidate is going, “Well, Don I'm glad you asked. I'm racist in the following way.” Why are they asking questions about musicals?

But there was a moment last night where Bernie Sanders kind of struggled. He said when you're white you don't know what it is like to live in a ghetto. And some people are angry at Bernie for using the word ghetto. And they're reacting as if he was just endorsed by the KKK. Actually, they're not reacting that way. If they were, he would be in first place.

I personally didn’t see it, actually. I missed hearing Bernie talking about what it’s like to be white last night because I was busy watching the finale of “Downton Abbey,” while browsing the L.L. Bean catalog.

Speaking of white people, a man attended a Donald Trump rally this weekend dressed as the wall that Trump wants to build between the U.S. and Mexico. This person made a powerful political statement. And that statement is: I'm a virgin.

Mon, 03/07/16

Joke Day: #3511

From: 03/08/16
(**Part 1**

Top of Page       Joke: 11/25

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Meanwhile, Donald Trump's nearest competitor, Sen. Ted Cruz, was in Virginia. He must not have Secret Service protection because TMZ got right up close to ask Ted about his latest piece of campaign merchandise: yoga mats. He is going to make a heck of a QVC host when he loses this election.

I'm not sure who would buy a Ted Cruz yoga mat. But they're a real thing. They're American made. Unlike Ted himself.

That's not all the Cruz campaign has to offer. For the chef in the family you can preorder the official Ted Cruz grill spatula, with the Ted flame burning right there in the center. Same spatula he uses to scoop the gel into his hair.

All the candidates have merchandise for sale. Even the candidates who've dropped out. Jeb Bush has the “Guaca Bowle.” This is a guacamole bowl with Jeb's logo on it. Now you can do to avocados what Donald Trump did to Jeb Bush's spirit.

The description says, “Jeb and Columba love whipping up guacamole on Sunday Funday. Now you can get into the act with this Guaca Bowle. Jeb's secret guacamole recipe not included yet.” His secret recipe for guacamole is an avocado and a spoon.

Marco Rubio is selling an unusual shirt. It says “Marco Ru(bae)o.” For the one Marco Rubio supporter who knows what the word “bae” means. I wonder if they sold any.

John Kasich's store, not a single item in his store has his face on it, mostly because nobody remembers what he looked like.

Rand Paul has been gone for quite a while, but his campaign store is still open, which means there's still time to get a pair of Rand Paul freedom socks.

Imagine how turned on your wife will be when you sashay out of the bathroom wearing nothing but a pair of those. And they're only $15 a pair, by the way, which is less than $8 each.

The Democrats aren't doing so great in the merchandise department either. Hillary Clinton gets the "Mom's trying too hard to be cool in front of her daughter's friends” award for the "Yaaas Hillary" shirt.

Finally, this is not something that Bernie Sanders is celebrating on his official page, but I think he should. This is for sale, the Bernie Sanders ceramic pipe — “for tobacco only.” Those Bernie Sanders supporters love their tobacco. It's the perfect way to say “I support my favorite candidate, then forgot to vote for him.”

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

Yesterday during a rally in Michigan, Sen. Sanders dropped a bombshell about burning down. He only smoked twice. I don't think this admission is on brand for Bernie.

Senator, do you know who your supporters are? I will tell you this much, they've smoked marijuana twice . . . since I started this sentence.

I for one am shocked by Bernie's admission. He recorded a reggae cover of a socialist anthem and expects us to believe he only smoked pot twice? Was one of those times “for 10 years,” Senator?

Of course, these days, you can get medical marijuana if you suffer from things like anxiety, nausea, and depression. And you know who could use a prescription? Every voter in America, because this campaign season has been brutal.

Tue, 03/08/16

Joke Day: #3512

From: 03/08/16
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page       Joke: 12/25

Conan O'Brien

Donald Trump said he’s "not happy" about being compared to Hitler. He said, "I’m thrilled."

Sunday night was the series finale of "Downton Abbey." But don’t worry, if you still want to hear a bunch of rich white people talking like it’s the 1920s, tune in to the next Republican debate.

ABC announced that the "The Bachelor" and "The Bachelorette" will now feature a more diverse cast. They’re going to add a contestant who has read a book.

It came out in the news that Donald Trump was once a producer of a Broadway show. It was a revival of "Les Misérables" called "The French Are Losers."

Kanye West is in Sweden visiting the headquarters of IKEA. Kanye wanted to get advice from IKEA because, after a few years, he too is starting to fall apart.

One of the things revealed in Hillary Clinton’s emails is that she doesn’t know how to charge an iPad. Today, Bill Clinton said, "That’s funny, she’s REALLY good at checking an iPad’s browser history."

The all-you-can-eat chain Hometown Buffet has filed for bankruptcy. A spokesperson for the company said, "Good God — we didn’t realize just how much Americans can eat."

The Summer Olympics are in Brazil this year, and some of it will be filmed in virtual reality. The technology is so realistic, you can contract the Zika virus from your living room.

The Late Late Show with James Corden

Ladies and gentlemen, I know why you're excited! It's because today is International Women's Day. A day when we celebrate all the international women Donald Trump has married.

To celebrate International Women's Day, Air India flew the longest all-women-operated flight from Delhi to San Francisco. This is why we need an International Women's Day, so that one day, people can talk about an all-woman flight crew without constantly having to say, "Yes, even the pilot."

I understand the gesture, but it does seem a little strange when you think about it. "Happy International Women's Day — in honor of you, we're giving men the day off."

The flight went off without a hitch, and I'm so glad. Because if that plane had crashed, it would have set women back years.

Personally, I think it's great to give women their own day. But it is America, so they have to share it with pancakes. Today is also National Pancake Day. Pancakes and women. So, needless to say, this is a huge day for Mrs. Butterworth.

Actually, this is a good opportunity to celebrate some of our groundbreaking political candidates, like Hillary Clinton, who is a woman; or Marco Rubio, who's a little short stack.

Wed, 03/09/16

Joke Day: #3513

From: 03/09/16
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page       Joke: 13/25

Jimmy Kimmel Live

There are primaries and caucuses in four states last night. The big story was Bernie Sanders beat Hillary Clinton 49.8 percent to 43.8 percent in Michigan. Ever since he started clipping his lucky ear hair, things have been going great.

It was a big night for loud men with crazy hair. Because on the Republican side, the night belonged to Donald Trump. Literally, he licensed and owns the night now.

Trump held a press conference at his golf club in Jupiter, Florida, last night where he defended himself against charges that he isn't "presidential." He does everything better than anybody. If he was running for queen, he would be the queenliest queen.

And how did he demonstrate that presidential behavior? By plugging Trump Water, Trump Magazine, Trump Vodka, Trump Wine, and Trump Steak.

He's showing his steaks. I'm pretty sure it's the first campaign speech I've ever seen given next to a pile of unrefrigerated beef.

Trump was upset that Mitt Romney said a bunch of his business ventures failed so he set these tables up on stage to showcase some of his many products. There's the water and the wine and the meat. Is this Fox News or QVC?

They're up on the stage next to him as he spoke. It's like he made a trip to Costco right before the speech. Boy did Chris Christie pick the wrong night to be on that stage, huh?

After six months I think we're starting to take for granted how weird this is. Imagine if before Obama was president, when he was running, he was the spokesman for ShamWow or something. At the end of every speech he spilled coffee on the podium and wiped it up.

Facebook has reportedly patented software that recognizes new slang words when they're posted. The software stores the words in what they call a social glossary while they're current, then removes the words once they're no longer popular. I wish Facebook would spend less time with stuff like cataloging new slang and more time trying to stop the monsters who keep inviting me to like their homemade jewelry page.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

Well, brace yourself, because Kraft has announced that they've gone natural. I first assumed that natural meant they were doing their products in the buff.

When they say "natural," they mean they have removed all artificial preservatives, flavors, and dyes from their classic Mac and Cheese recipe. I don't get it. I was not aware, first of all, that a packet of dust was a technically a recipe.

Kraft claims you can't taste the difference, and they can prove you can't taste the difference because they changed the recipe three months ago and they've now sold 50 million boxes of the new recipe without people noticing.

But we're Americans. You throw enough salt and pepper in there we'll eat the box without noticing. This is wrong, wrong! This is a serious breach of trust. When I pick up a package of enriched macaroni product and dried milkfat powder, I expect a certain amount of fake ingredients.

If you missed the original recipe, just melt an orange crayon in there get the same basic effect. It doesn't congeal as fast.

Thu, 03/10/16

Joke Day: #3514

From: 03/09/16
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page       Joke: 14/25

Conan O'Brien

At his press conference last night, Donald Trump had a display of Trump Steaks even though Trump Steaks went out of business nine years ago. When they heard that nine-year-old meat was for sale, Arby’s said, "We’ll take those."

Last night after his victories, Donald Trump held a press conference in Florida and he proudly displayed Trump water bottles, Trump wine, and Trump steaks. Trump also announced his running mate, the ShamWow guy.

In Florida, a drunk half-naked woman crashed her car into a Waffle House. Just a reminder, once again Florida will likely determine who our next president is.

Almost 40 percent of people who voted for John Kasich said they did so because they don’t like the other guys. Which explains his new campaign slogan: "John Kasich: The Lesser of Four Evils."

A private space company founded by Amazon chief Jeff Bezos plans to send humans into space by next year. Or if they sign up for Amazon Prime, by Tuesday.

It's come out that Kim Kardashian has paid off Kanye West's $53 million debt with proceeds from her video game. In case you’re unfamiliar, Kim’s video game is named "Call of Booty."

The Late Late Show with James Corden

Last night in the presidential primary race, Donald Trump skipped the political talk during his victory speech and instead took the opportunity to promote some of his Trump brand products: Trump Steaks, Trump Magazine, Trump Wine. The only thing I can think of being worse than Trump 2016 is a bottle of 2016 Trump.

Also, you can tell that it's Trump's winery because they only sell white.

One state Trump did not win last night is Idaho, which could be partly due to the fact that the endorsement of Idaho's Gov. Butch Otter went instead to John Kasich, and that endorsement worked. It propelled John Kasich all the way to a resounding last place.

No wonder Kasich lost. If someone named Butch Otter endorses a presidential candidate, nobody cares. If somebody named Butch Otter endorses a jug band, now I'm listening.

Fri, 03/11/16

Joke Day: #3515

From: 03/10/16

Top of Page       Joke: 15/25

Conan O'Brien

This weekend, Kim Kardashian posted a naked selfie, and yesterday, Sharon Osbourne got inspired and posted a naked selfie. That explains why today, authorities shut down Barbara Walters' internet service.

Despite Donald Trump’s tough stance on immigration, Trump Modeling Agency is being accused of hiring lower-paid foreign models. In his defense, Trump says those aren’t laborers, those are "future wives."

A reporter claims she was pushed down by one of Donald Trump’s campaign advisers. Isn’t that crazy? Donald Trump has a campaign adviser.

Republicans are blaming President Obama for creating Donald Trump. While others say he was created in a lab when a young real estate developer was bitten by a radioactive douchebag.

The Las Vegas Strip has just opened its first medical marijuana dispensary. Which is why today the city changed its slogan to "What Happens in Vegas… Wait, What Just Happened In Vegas?"

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Barbie, the doll turned 57-years-old. She looks great, holding up well. The original Barbie was created in 1959. The first African-American Barbie came out in 1968. In 1984 Barbie got married to Larry King and the rest is history.

Since 1959, more than 800 million Barbie dolls have been sold. Some have been subjected to the most horrific torture imaginable: arm broken off, children chewing on their feet. Horrible things.

Over the years Barbie has evolved. Now we have a full-figured Barbie, short Barbie, tall Barbie. A new Barbie who finally acts her age.

Hillary Clinton debated Bernie Sanders last night in Miami and what got most people's attention, weirdly, was the color of Bernie Sanders' suit. Some people online said it looked brown. Some people said it looked blue. A few lunatics said eggplant.

Clearly, the suit is brown. I mean, that suit is so brown, Donald Trump wants to have it deported.

The suit has resulted in a big argument on Twitter. There's a debate about the debate. It was like election "Inception" or something.

As a country we could stop focusing on things like the color of Bernie Sanders' suit and start focusing on the fact that he was able to successfully dress himself.

There have been more Republican debates than seasons of "Dancing with the Stars." The chairman of the Republican National Committee said he was hoping for a G-rated night tonight. I love that we've reached the point where the party has to remind a candidate not to discuss the size of his [manhood] on television during the debate.

Sat, 03/12/16

Joke Day: #3516

From: 03/14/16
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page       Joke: 16/25

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Chris Christie interviewed Donald Trump today at a rally in North Carolina. During the interview, Christie asked Trump to talk about what kind of father he's been, to which Trump replied, "A creepy one."

When endorsing Donald Trump for president last week, Dr. Ben Carson said that there are two different Trumps. I don't know, Ben. That might just be a side effect of the NyQuil.

North Korea claimed yesterday that they could wipe out Manhattan with one of their hydrogen bombs. Though I find it hard to believe that this guy would willingly destroy that many restaurants.

The latest polls show Gov. John Kasich holds a small lead over Donald Trump in his home state of Ohio. Whereas everything Donald Trump holds looks huge because of his tiny baby hands.

A new restaurant has opened in Los Angeles that creates special dinners based on the city's most notorious murders and crimes. So you have to be careful if you order an O.J. with your breakfast.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

It's Daylight Savings Time. It's my least favorite holiday. For one thing, the parade is horrible. At least I assume it is. I always miss it because I'm an hour late for everything.

Americans are working longer hours, and the only break most of us get is a little extra sleep on the weekends. Which I use to stress-dream about work! Then one day a year, the government comes in under cover of darkness and steals a precious hour of sleep from us.

So I'm over it. Especially the phrase "Spring Forward.” Don't try to make it sound fun. I'm not "Leaping" into the future! I'm barely hoisting myself out of bed and it’s dangerous.

Studies have found there's an increase in auto accidents the Monday after Daylight Savings. Even our cars are tired.

Why does it have to happen on the weekend? Why can't they do it on a Wednesday at 4:00? "Hey look, now it's 5:00. Time to go home!"

Sun, 03/13/16

Joke Day: #3517

From: 03/14/16
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page       Joke: 17/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

At a rally over the weekend, Donald Trump was surrounded by Secret Service agents after a man tried to rush the stage. The Secret Service said the man was dangerous and disturbed, but they had to protect him anyway.

Proving once and for all, the best way to keep everyone safe and sound is to build a wall around Donald Trump.

On Friday, a 112-year-old man was given the Guinness World Record for being the world's oldest living man. When asked how he achieved the record, the man said, “I jumped out and scared my older brother.”

When asked how he plans to celebrate, he said, “By defeating Hillary Clinton to be the Democratic nominee.”

A town in Maine is facing pressure to rename a street called Katie's Crotch Road. Lawmakers said that they understood people's concerns and announced the street's new name: Linda's Crotch Road.

The Late Late Show with James Corden

This weekend was Daylight Savings Time and we all lost an hour of our lives. Plus, I watched the Democratic debate so I actually lost three hours of my life.

But we're not just tired today, we're also distracted because the NCAA College Basketball Championship bracket is set. Yes, it's time for March Madness! Or as Kanye West calls it, March.

This is how popular March Madness is: Doctors have found a sudden rise in vasectomies coincides with the start of the NCAA tournament. Apparently, guys are scheduling their vasectomies for the beginning of the tournament so that they can have four days of rest and not miss any of the games.

There's an easier way to get four days off to watch basketball. You can just say you got a vasectomy, you don't actually have to do it! Your boss isn't going to ask you, “OK Larry, drop your pants. We both know you were out of vacation days."

In December you're telling people you're getting a vasectomy, and then your buddy Carl is going, "No, man, schedule it for March. You get four days off to watch basketball." And you're like, "Great idea." Then you get your wife pregnant in January and you're like, "Damn it, Carl!"

A vasectomy is not something you want to get at the busiest time of the year. It's not an iPhone. It's an unnecessary surgery on the most delicate part of your body. You know if they screw it up, there's no amount of basketball games that's going to make it OK. One slip of the knife and your elite eight becomes a final four.

Trump University did not make it this year. Apparently the NCAA has these really strict rules that say the college can't be a made-up Ponzi scheme.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

How is it that my air bag knows exactly when I'm going to get into an accident, but my car can't figure out how to go forward an hour for Daylight Savings Time?

They did a study, there's an increase in fatal heart attacks in the three days after we change the clocks. Probably from looking at your watch, realizing you were supposed to have picked up your kid at preschool an hour ago.

Every appliance with a clock should have a Daylight Savings button to push. You'd only use it twice a year, but that's more than I use the "Potato" button on my microwave.

Mitt Romney hit the campaign trail today with Ohio Gov. John Kasich, who's hoping to beat Donald Trump in his home state. Romney is stumping for Kasich in Ohio and Rubio in Florida with the idea that he will stop Donald Trump. He's also got Holy Cross and Iona going into the finals in his NCAA bracket.

Romney took the stage with Kasich at an air museum that's halfway between Akron and Canton. I love the idea of Mitt Romney and John Kasich teaming up. It's like a buddy cop movie, only they're both the cop who plays by the rules.

Ted Cruz stopped Trump in Texas. Then the plan is if they get to the convention, they're going to have Dr. Ben Carson sew all their bodies together to form one enormous super-candidate who just might have enough delegates to win.

President Obama seems like he's enjoying this whole thing. He spoke at a fundraiser in Dallas where he took a moment to ruminate about Donald Trump-brand wine. I think Obama's in his "I only have 10 months left so to hell with it" phase.

Maybe he'll host the Oscars next year.

The big story of the day, bigger than politics, bigger than sports, bigger than anything, was "The Bachelor." The only good thing about Daylight Savings Time is we didn't have to wait another hour to find out who Ben chose.

In the end, Ben asked Lauren B. to be his wife and she said yes. They're still together. Already this is one of the longer-lasting engagements in "Bachelor" history.

Mon, 03/14/16

Joke Day: #3518

From: 03/15/16
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page       Joke: 18/25

Late Night With Seth Meyers

The season finale of “The Bachelor” was last night and a lot of people were upset that the ending was spoiled by social media. While other people were upset that our once-great American society was spoiled by “The Bachelor.”

Of course the season isn’t REALLY over until everyone gets their test results back.

According to a new report, Dr. Ben Carson was not planning to endorse any of the remaining candidates, but changed his mind after being offered a position in Trump’s White House. He would run the Department of No Energy.

Harrison Ford and Steven Spielberg have signed on to make a new Indiana Jones sequel set for release in 2019. It will be like the other movies, but now when he cracks his whip the sound is actually coming from his knees.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

There was a major Internet outage, striking at the core of our nation's online infrastructure, Tinder.

The dating app went down for several hours yesterday, leaving singles with zero dating options, except for OKCupid, Bumble, Hinge, Scruff, Match, Grindr, let's say Bumpr, Hamburglars, and Fruit Ninja. Some users lost all their matches and messages, which means they can never go back and relive that magical moment when Darryl from Long Island texted "sup?"

"The Bachelor" finale was three hours long. At this point, “The Bachelor” is 85 percent of what's on ABC, which now stands for "A Bachelor Channel."

On a previous episode, bachelor Ben made "Bachelor" history by telling two women that he was in love with them. I can see why. They're both attractive, intelligent, and if you combine them, nearly the weight of one adult woman.

Tue, 03/15/16

Joke Day: #3519

From: 03/15/16
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page       Joke: 19/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Hillary Clinton is going to appear in this week's episode of the Comedy Central show “Broad City.” Meanwhile, Bernie Sanders will actually be appraised on “Antiques Roadshow.”

A lot of people voted today in primaries across five different states. Some people are even calling it “Super Tuesday 3.” Although Marco Rubio is just calling it “Mission: Impossible 3.”

A new poll found that the majority of millennials would vote for Hillary Clinton over Donald Trump. Then millennials found out you can't vote by texting and said, "Never mind!"

A Donald Trump rally was delayed for nearly two hours yesterday due to fog. At one point the fog was so thick, Trump supporters couldn’t even see who they were punching.

The Late Late Show with James Corden

Today is Super Tuesday. Again. Am I the only one who thinks there are starting to be more Super Tuesdays than normal Tuesdays? They're even calling it Super Tuesday 3.

If we've learned anything from Hollywood franchises, then today will be an expensive letdown.

Over the weekend, Hillary was endorsed by a California leader of the KKK, Will Quigg, because he believes she will do the exact opposite of what she promises and that she's an "undercover Hitler." That makes me think three things. 1) She's not. 2) She's definitely not. And 3) "Undercover Hitler" sounds like the worst spin-off of "Undercover Boss."

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Last night was the big finale of “The Bachelor” and the good news for JoJo is she did not find love with bachelor Ben but she is going to be the next bachelorette. So this is our circle of life here at ABC — it's hakuna ma-hot-tub.

There were primaries in five states today. CNN dubbed today Super Tuesday 3 and we are now another Tuesday closer to finally having a president who has his own line of vodka named after himself.

Donald Trump has claimed that his candidacy is fueling more interest in voting. More people are signing up to vote. Just like herpes fuels more interest in Valtrex, for instance.

Most of the focus tonight was on Florida and Ohio. And if there's one thing I know, it's that you can always trust Florida to make the right decision.

Hillary Clinton beat Bernie Sanders in Florida. And I'll say, that's tough for Bernie because a 74-year-old Jewish man can't win in Florida.

Wed, 03/16/16

Joke Day: #3520

From: 03/16/16
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page       Joke: 20/25

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Donald Trump won yesterday’s Republican primaries in Florida, Illinois, and North Carolina. Trump did especially well with white males, Caucasian men, and non-women of no color.

While announcing last night that he is dropping out, Marco Rubio told supporters, “We should have seen this coming.” If it makes you feel any better, Marco, we did.

President Obama announced today that he is nominating Washington, D.C. Circuit Court Judge Merrick Garland to the Supreme Court. “I can’t win anything this week!” screamed JoJo from The Bachelor.

Barry Bonds reportedly showed up to Miami Marlins spring training today and beat the entire team at a home run contest, despite being 51 years old, which raises the question — Why you still taking steroids, Barry?

Alexa, order me the earthquake 1427 wood chipper with 212-cc, 4-cycle viper engine. I will pay for expedited shipping.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

I'm a bit of a web-head. I like to find the hidden, out-of-the-way corners of the Internet, and I stumbled across a gem recently you might enjoy. It's called Amazon.com.

It's got everything: Books, appliances, and if you just order two AA batteries, it comes packed with 30 sealed bags full of Chinese air. That's a cheap high.

Amazon's got this new voice-activated home assistant gadget called the Echo. You just talk to the Echo, and it tells you the weather or sports scores or controls the lighting or climate in your house.

Now, the Echo is always listening, but it only activates when you say its name: Alexa. It's a pretty name, much prettier than the earlier name, the privacy-destroyer spy-mic 5000.

Thu, 03/17/16

Joke Day: #3521

From: 03/16/16
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page       Joke: 21/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Donald Trump won every Republican state primary last night except for Ohio, which went to John Kasich. Trump didn't seem to mind, since, as he put it, “The word Ohio is full of zeros.” (It's 50 percent zeros!)

Marco Rubio pulled out of the race after losing the Florida primary to Trump by almost 20 points. But he still has a great story. I mean nothing symbolizes America more than the son of poor immigrants growing up to run for president and being crushed by a billionaire.

7-Eleven will hold its second annual “Bring Your Own Cup Day,” where it will give customers a discounted Slurpee as long as they bring in any container resembling a cup. In a related story, Home Depot just sold out of trash cans.

Selena Gomez just became the most-followed person on Instagram with almost 70 million followers. When reached for comment, Kim Kardashian said, “I can't get any more naked, guys. I’ve shown you everything I got.”

Jimmy Kimmel Live

According to the Annual World Happiness Report, the United States is the 13th happiest country in the world. We might have just dropped to 17th, I don't know.

You know what the happiest country in the world is? Denmark. Danish people are the happiest. Of course they're happy, they have a pastry named after them.

The top 10 were Denmark, Switzerland, Iceland, Norway, Finland, Canada, the Netherlands, New Zealand, Australia, and Sweden. Basically all the countries represented in the Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition.

Of course, the numbers are subject to change when President Trump takes office and makes us great again.

Trump won four of the five primaries last night. Assuming she wins Missouri, Hillary Clinton went five for five in the primaries. Disappointing night for Bernie Sanders, which was a surprise; he was polling well among everyone's most annoying Facebook friends.

The bad news for the leaders of both parties, both Clinton and Trump have a very high unfavorability rating. Hillary is 53 percent unfavorable, Trump clocks in at an extraordinary 63 percent unfavorable. Which, I think, like only Jared from Subway has higher than that.

This election is going to be the political equivalent of having lunch at Panda Express — nobody wins.

The big win for Trump was in Marco Rubio's home state of Florida. Rubio won one county in his home state, Miami. That was thanks to a last-minute endorsement from the sound machine.

A disappointing finish for Marco Rubio. A man who fueled his campaign with all the fire and spontaneity of Vicki the robot from "Small Wonder."

After the announcement, Rubio dropped out of the race. He went back to Washington and locked his office door to make sure no Supreme Court nominees get in. So good luck to him.

Meanwhile, our future president, Kanye West, has a new creative mission. Kanye tweeted to the owner of the L.A. Clippers asking if he could redesign the Clippers' mascot.

If he designs mascots the way he names albums we'll see three or four new mascots every week. Or maybe instead of letting Kanye redesign the mascot, they could make Kanye himself the Clippers mascot.

Never mind the t-shirt cannon, that's how you get people fired up.

Fri, 03/18/16

Joke Day: #3522

From: 03/17/16

Top of Page       Joke: 22/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

It's St. Patrick's Day! So I just want to take a moment and thank all of you at home for passing out with your TV on NBC.

The hacking group “Anonymous” has apparently declared war against Donald Trump. Of course, hacking him shouldn’t be hard, because if there's anyone who just uses their name as their password, it's Donald Trump.

Ted Cruz was just featured in Us Weekly’s “25 Things You Didn’t Know About Me” column. And on the list he revealed that he was once bitten by an octopus at the beach and got “terribly ill.” Then the octopus said, “Yeah, it took me a while to recover, too.”

John Kasich, fresh off his win in the Ohio primary, said that if you can't win Ohio, you can't be president. Then George Washington said, “What the hell is 'Ohio'?”

Amazon just filed a patent for technology that allows customers to “pay by selfie,” where customers can verify purchases by taking a selfie. In related news, the Kardashians just went bankrupt.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Here in LA we celebrate St. Patrick's Day a little differently than the rest of the places. We don't have pots of gold, we have pots of pot here. We call them medical marijuana dispensaries.

St. Patrick's Day in America is the best day to be Irish and the worst day to be an Uber driver.

Legend has it St. Patrick used the image of a shamrock, the three-leafed clover, to teach the doctrine of the Holy Trinity, the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost . . . Then he got everyone totally smashed and they told Holy Ghost stories.

Apparently, after, St. Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland and then he went to Mexico and drove the worms into the tequila bottles.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Today is St. Patrick’s Day, which commemorates the time when St. Patrick drove all the drunks out of New Jersey and into Manhattan.

It was reported yesterday that an op-ed written by Donald Trump seems to have been blatantly plagiarized from an article written by Dr. Ben Carson days before. People first became suspicious when Trump’s op-ed began, “As a black doctor…”

A Michigan woman was arrested this week after she bit a Walmart employee who tried to stop her from shoplifting. Luckily the other employees were experienced in dealing with Walmart customers and quickly sucked the venom out.

This week is the 35th anniversary of the Post-It note. And this is crazy, they completely forgot about it.

A doctor in the U.K. yesterday admitted misconduct charges after he accidentally performed a vasectomy on the wrong patient. Apparently, the patient was pretty upset when she woke up.

Sat, 03/19/16

Joke Day: #3523

From: 03/18/16

Top of Page       Joke: 23/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Trump Tower in Chicago was struck by lightning during the Illinois primary, which Donald Trump went on to win. Nobody was hurt, but God was like, "Crap, I missed."

There were no injuries, but long story short, Donald Trump has switched bodies with an 11-year-old boy.

Speaking of trump, he recently said that if he becomes president he'll force Apple to start making its products in the United States. It's great news for anyone who wants to pay $20,000 for an iPhone.

The president of CNN rejected claims that the network has given Donald Trump too much attention, and said he feels no responsibility for the rise of Donald Trump. Makes sense. Just because someone mentions trump a lot on TV doesn't mean they're responsible for what he does if he's president.

Sun, 03/20/16

Joke Day: #3524

From: 03/21/16

Top of Page       Joke: 24/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

The big story is President Obama's historic visit to Cuba. After landing yesterday, Obama immediately tweeted out, "What's up, Cuba?" And Cubans opened up a window and yelled, "We don't have the Internet! It's like 1955 here!”

Meanwhile, Donald Trump tweeted that Raul Castro disrespected the president by not greeting him at the airport. Seriously? Our countries have been enemies for 60 years. I can't even get my best friend to pick me up at the airport.

John Kasich has actually been pretty vocal in his criticism of Trump's antics. He also said Trump should remember that he's not "Running for the presidency of the WWE."

A new study found that the sound you make while chewing can affect the amount of food you eat, and significantly affect the amount of food other people eat. “You almost done with that banana, Carl?”

Conan O'Brien

Yesterday, President Obama arrived in Cuba, a formerly hostile territory. Tomorrow, he returns to Washington, a currently hostile territory.

Today, Cuban President Raul Castro asked President Obama to return ownership of Guantanamo Bay to Cuba. They want it back. Obama agreed, but only if Cuba takes Florida. Let's make that happen right away.

When President Obama arrived in Cuba, a band played both the American and Cuban national anthems. Then just because it felt right, a baseball game broke out.

Donald Trump continues to baffle and astound. A new study found that Donald Trump's speeches are at a fifth grade level. In other words, he's speaking two grades above his supporters right now.

Good news for Donald Trump. Donald Trump just got the official endorsement of Scott Bello. After hearing about it, Donald Trump said, “See, I've got the unemployed vote.”

The New York Times published a quote calling millennials lazy, narcissistic, and obsessed with social media. Meanwhile, millennials have called The New York Times, “What's a 'New York Times?’”

Today, Apple announced it’s releasing a new smaller iPhone. The iPhone is described as so small, it can fit in the palm of the hand of the child who made it.

Recently Lego announced a new figurine to be added to its lineup: the Lego stay-at-home dad. Yes, there it is. The stay-at-home dad, a child with an extra-large head.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Winter is over. Spring is here. Can you feel it? Do you feel that springiness that a new season brings? It's almost like your heart is bopping around on a pair of Skechers Shape-ups, right?

Social media milestone to celebrate: Twitter turned 10 years old today. They grow up so fast. Next thing you know Twitter will be making a sex tape with Tumblr.

It's hard to imagine life without Twitter. Without Twitter, how would Kanye West let us know exactly what is on his mind in all caps at all times? Without Twitter, how would we know Guillermo just had a green juice with two slices of pizza? We wouldn't.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

A new study has found Donald Trump speaks with the poorest grammar of any presidential candidate. Said Trump, “It’s actually the poorliest.”

Democratic National Committee head Debbie Wasserman Schultz today denied accusations that she is taking sides in the primary election season, and said, “There is no shred of evidence to suggest that I’m favoring Hillary Clinton over Bernie Socialist — I mean Bernie Sanders.”

Bernie Sanders this weekend gave a speech at the Mexican border. Actually he was in Vermont, but they could hear him at the Mexican border.

A Massachusetts man dressed as Waldo was escorted by police out of Boston’s South Station on Sunday for acting “very disorderly.” He apparently wouldn’t stop yelling, “I’m right here, you idiots!”

Starbucks announced today that they are introducing a new Caramelized Honey Frappuccino to their menu. And then your dentist announced he’s buying a new boat.

Mon, 03/21/16

Joke Day: #3525

From: 03/22/16

Top of Page       Joke: 25/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Here’s the latest on President Obama’s trip to Cuba. I saw that over the weekend he and his family were photographed on a walking tour of Havana in the pouring rain. Which means the president is like everyone's dad on vacation: If he paid for the non-refundable tour, you're going on that non-refundable tour.

Obama also spoke in Cuba yesterday and said that U.S. airlines will start making commercial flights to Cuba this year. But first, Obama said he wants to see a greater respect for human rights — not in Cuba, at LaGuardia.

In an interview with CNN last night, Ted Cruz was asked about being Donald Trump's vice president and said, quote, "I have zero interest whatsoever." Which is also what Cruz's friends say when he invites them to dinner. “You could’ve just said no!”

Bernie Sanders recently spoke at the U.S.-Mexico border in Arizona and said, "we don't need a wall." Then Bernie said, "But then again, I also told Noah we didn't need an Ark, so who knows?"

Conan O'Brien

Over the weekend at a Bernie Sanders rally, a woman took off her top and revealed anti-Trump messages. Witnesses say she made two good points.

A researcher found that blonde women are slightly smarter than brunettes. The researcher said it’s not true but that line tends to work on blonde women at a bar.

Trump’s campaign manager is denying reports that he drunk-dials female reporters and comes onto them. Trump’s campaign manager said, "I wasn’t drunk."

Sarah Palin has just signed up to star in her own "Judge Judy"-style reality show. Palin said she knows how to deal with drunks, deadbeat dads, and barroom brawlers — and that’s just her family.

Amazon has a new reality show that shadows an NFL team for an entire football season. The show follows players from the day they’re drafted all the way until the day they’re sentenced.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Bernie Sanders has ignited a lot of passion, primarily among young people. And the incredible thing is he did it without posting even a single nude selfie.

Bernie can get very fired up. I watch him on these debates. But remember, if it seems like he's yelling at you, it's because he is yelling at you and you deserve it.

My favorite part about watching Bernie in debates is how he's always got his finger up like he's trying to flag down a waiter to get the check.

There was a primary in Arizona and caucuses in Idaho and Utah. Donald Trump was behind in the polls in Utah — Utah is not particularly friendly territory for Donald Trump because most of the voters there are sober.

One of Donald Trump's most high-profile supporters, former Alaska governor Sarah Palin, is working on a new gig. Sarah Palin is planning to host a new reality courtroom show. She would be the judge. The show doesn't have a title yet but they're thinking about calling it "Terrible Idea."

It's a strange thing. People wanting to run the country are now hosting reality shows and people hosting reality shows now want to run the country. We live in a very confusing time.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

President Obama today gave a televised address to Cubans. And thousands of citizens eagerly gathered around Cuba’s television.

After facing attack ads focused on his past derogatory comments toward women, Donald Trump said yesterday, “Nobody respects women more than I do.” And then Melania rolled her eyes so hard, she saw brain.

Donald Trump met with the editorial board of The Washington Post yesterday and called one of the editors “beautiful” when she asked him a question. In his defense, the question was “what’s the longest word you know?”

New Jersey is considering a bill that would outlaw texting while walking, and make it punishable by 15 days in jail. And according to a new poll, people kept running into it.