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Joke of the Day

Day # Range: 3476 - 3500

Date Range: 02/04/16 - 02/25/16

Late Night Jokes

Newest Jokes at Bottom

Mon, 02/01/16

Joke Day: #3476

From: 02/04/16
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page       Joke: 1/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Donald Trump's plane made an emergency landing in Nashville yesterday after reporting engine problems. When asked what the issue was, the pilot said, "Nothing, I just couldn't take it anymore.”

At last night's CNN town hall debate for the Democrats, Hillary Clinton said that during her time in the White House, she would actually put on a baseball cap and sunglasses so she could walk around Washington, D.C., unnoticed. The only time it went wrong was when Bill pulled up and said, “Hey baby, do you — oh, never mind.”

We are just three days away from the Super Bowl, and a 76-year-old man who has been to all 49 Super Bowls will be attending Super Bowl 50 this Sunday — but enough about Peyton Manning.

Americans spent $5.4 billion on legal marijuana last year, which is more than they spent on Doritos, Cheetos, and Funyuns combined. Stoners would respond, but they were busy thinking about Doritos, Cheetos, and Funyuns combined.

Conan O'Brien

The newest issue of Playboy does not feature any full-frontal nudity and instead focuses on social media. So be sure to pick up the final issue of Playboy.

At last night’s town hall, Bernie Sanders said, "I’ve had good endurance my whole life." Then there was an awkward rebuttal by Mrs. Bernie Sanders.

The Marco Rubio campaign is now selling a T-shirt that calls Marco Rubio "bae." Hillary Clinton called it "such a desperate attempt to appeal to young people, I can’t believe I didn’t think of it first."

Media mogul Sumner Redstone has stepped down as the chairman of CBS. The 92-year-old Redstone said, "I’m finally old enough to start watching CBS."

Denver Broncos quarterback Peyton Manning said yesterday he’s going to need to get his hip replaced. Man, that’s going to be some super halftime show.

A new report says Chipotle’s E. coli outbreak was linked to its reliance on fresh ingredients. A spokesperson for Long John Silver’s said, "Well, we’re safe!"

Tue, 02/02/16

Joke Day: #3477

From: 02/05/16

Top of Page       Joke: 2/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

At the debate, Hillary Clinton addressed the controversy of her personal email server and said she has "no concerns about it whatsoever.” Democrats were like, “yeah, that's what concerns us.”

Hillary also told Bernie Sanders that it's time for his campaign to "end the very artful smear" against her. Incidentally, “very artful smear” is also how Bernie orders a bagel. “Gimme a whole wheat with a VERY ARTFUL SCHMEAR of veggie cream cheese!”

A tattoo artist in Vermont is offering free Bernie Sanders tattoos. Yeah, they're actually the first tattoos that start to look BETTER as you develop wrinkles.

On the Republican side, Donald Trump shot an interview with Fox News, and said he has never smoked marijuana. Trump said, “I don't want get paranoid and start thinking people are sneaking into our country and stealing our jobs.

I saw that George W. Bush is now appearing in a campaign ad supporting his brother’s presidential campaign. Jeb says he hopes it will help him win over a very specific group of undecided voters: his parents.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Jeb Bush’s mother, former First Lady Barbara Bush, joined him on the campaign trail yesterday for the first time. Though she did emphasize that she still hasn’t decided who she’s voting for.

A YouTube user named The Food Surgeon has released a new video showing how to replace the peanut butter in a Reese’s cup with Oreo filling. The way it works is, you lose your job and then it just kind of happens organically.

According to a new poll of Harry Potter fans, the most popular spell from the book series is the protective spell "expecto patronum." Incidentally, expecto patronum is also the spell Maury Povich uses to determine whether or not you’re the father.

According to a new report, the number of babies named “Hillary” has decreased 90 percent since Bill Clinton was president. And, this is interesting, there has never been a baby named Bernie.

A Tennessee man with the word "Psycho" tattooed on his forehead was arrested this week for stabbing someone in the stomach. Of course, if you have a tattoo on your forehead, no matter what it says, it says "Psycho."

Wed, 02/03/16

Joke Day: #3478

From: 02/08/16
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page       Joke: 3/25

The Late Late Show with James Corden

Peyton Manning and the Broncos were the champions and the nation cheered on their incredible victory . . . well, maybe not the entire nation.

Moments after winning the game, Peyton Manning rushed over to kiss the person who is most important in his life — Papa John's Pizza CEO Papa John.

Peyton is of course denying that the hug was part of any endorsement agreement with Papa John’s. This morning he issued a statement saying, "These allegations are as unfounded as Papa John's crust is warm, buttery, and delicious."

For those keeping track, Peyton Manning kissed his wife after kissing Papa John. His wife was like, "That's so not cool," while Papa John was like, "Wait a sec — wife?!"

Jimmy Kimmel Live

There are 320 million people in the United States; they say 112 million watched the Super Bowl. Which means more than 200 million people do not watch the Super Bowl. I don't know who these maniacs are. I very much hope the Department of Homeland Security is keeping an eye on them.

On Saturday ABC News hosted the eighth Republican debate and the big moment was in the beginning, when Ben Carson didn't come out because he couldn't hear his name when he was introduced. It's OK, Ben, we know you're not supposed to wake a sleepwalker.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

The Denver Broncos beat the Carolina Panthers 24-10, last night, to win Super Bowl 50. It was a great victory for Peyton Manning. I just hope it doesn't go to his forehead.

Peyton Manning said last night that he's not made a decision about retiring and will wait until he's less emotional to determine his future. Yeah, you shouldn't make any long-term decisions on the same day you voluntarily kissed Papa John.

Chris Christie, in a new interview, continued to criticize Marco Rubio for his performance in this weekend's debate and said Rubio is scripted and not spontaneous. To which Marco Rubio replied, "That's not true, comma. I speak from the heart, exclamation point."

Donald Trump said this weekend that he feels the Iowa caucus results were “very unfair” to himself and Dr. Ben Carson. Other things Trump considers unfair to him include Google, sidewalks, shoelaces, oxygen, and Dame Judi Dench.

Thu, 02/04/16

Joke Day: #3479

From: 02/08/16
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page       Joke: 4/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Last night was Super Bowl 50. It's a special night where Americans gather with friends and family to lose money and gain weight.

I want to say congratulations to the Denver Broncos, who beat the Carolina Panthers in Super Bowl 50. The Broncos really stopped Cam Newton last night. In fact, the only Dabbing Cam Newton was doing last night was with some Kleenex:

But it wasn’t all bad news for Cam Newton. He was named the NFL's Most Valuable Player at the NFL Honors on Saturday night. The ceremony went well, but it got weird when the Denver Broncos' defense took the award out of his hands and ran it for a touchdown.

After Peyton Manning was asked about his future, he responded by saying, "I'll drink a lot of Budweiser tonight." Which is why today, he signed endorsement deals with Tylenol, Gatorade, and a tattoo removal clinic.

I saw that the unemployment rate in the U.S. just fell below 5 percent, which is the lowest it's been in eight years. When asked for comment on the number of unemployed Americans, Obama said, “Uh ... I can't wait to be one of them!”

Conan O'Brien

Cam Newton is under fire for ducking out of his post-game press conference early. On the bright side, it was the first time all day Cam was able to move and not get tackled.

Last week, the Vatican held a screening of the movie "Spotlight," the movie that details child abuse in the Catholic Church. Long story short, the Pope is now Lutheran.

During the Super Bowl, Quicken Loans debuted a new app that lets people get a mortgage instantly on their phones by just tapping the screen. The app is called, "What could possibly go wrong?"

In a recent interview, the Obamas complained that the Wi-Fi in the White House is weak. That’s why, as of this morning, President Obama and his family have moved into a Starbucks.

A Republican insider compared Marco Rubio’s debate performance to "looking at your iPhone and the video freezes and says it’s buffering." After hearing this, Bernie Sanders said, "A what doing what?"

While campaigning in New Hampshire, Jeb Bush said that Marco Rubio has never been challenged in his life. Then Jeb told the shocking story about the time his father put him in charge of his own trust fund.

Fri, 02/05/16

Joke Day: #3480

From: 02/09/16
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page       Joke: 5/25

Jimmy Kimmel Live

This is the 100th anniversary of the New Hampshire primary. They've been doing this primary in New Hampshire since Bernie Sanders was 5 years old.

Bernie is very popular in New Hampshire. Hillary Clinton today spent the whole day quietly googling the words “life expectancy for old man in snowy weather.”

Jeb pulled out the big gun. He had his mother, Barbara, out campaigning for him this week and they did a bunch of interviews together. It was really funny to see Jeb sitting there being interviewed next to his mom — it looked like a parent-teacher conference.

Valentine's Day is on Sunday. That means the price of roses is about to go way up.

Valentine's Day is the only holiday where a plant suddenly becomes astronomically expensive and we're OK with it. It would be like if on Easter they charged $20 an egg.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

The New Hampshire primary was today and in Dixville Notch, the first town to complete voting, Republican candidate John Kasich won, beating Donald Trump by just one vote. Honestly, I’m kinda surprised Trump didn’t win in a place called “Dixville.”

Jeb Bush was caught on video yesterday throwing a snowball at an NBC reporter in New Hampshire. Though Jeb says the snowball was just meant to represent his chances of winning.

During a campaign stop, a New Hampshire bar offered Marco Rubio what they called a “Marco Rubio burger.” It’s called the Marco Rubio burger because Chris Christie eats it for lunch.

Following accusations that he has an overly rehearsed speaking style, Marco Rubio was chased to his campaign bus by a group of protesters dressed as robots and calling themselves “Marco Roboto” and the “Rubio Talking Point 3000.” So one thing’s for sure: Unemployment is still a major problem.

Sat, 02/06/16

Joke Day: #3481

From: 02/09/16
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page       Joke: 6/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Today was the New Hampshire primary. This is a big deal. All the candidates spent the day with their supporters, except for Ben Carson who's still waiting in the hallway.

Not only was today the New Hampshire primary, it was also National Pizza Day. So, one way or the other, Chris Christie will be giving a victory speech.

Conan O'Brien

Adidas is offering $1 million to any NFL prospect that can break the record for the 40-yard-dash. The current NFL record for the 40-yard-dash is Cam Newton leaving a press conference.

Fox News slammed Beyoncé’s Super Bowl halftime performance because her backup dancers were dressed like Black Panthers, and now some Fox viewers are calling for a boycott of Beyoncé. So it looks like old white guys won’t be buying Beyoncé albums anymore.

After a disappointing result in Iowa, Ben Carson is polling 8th in New Hampshire. Carson said he’s looking forward to eventually campaigning in a state that has some black people.

When asked about legalizing marijuana, Chris Christie said, "Get high now, because when I’m president it’s over." If Chis Christie thinks he’s going to be president — he may be high.

At an event yesterday, Chris Christie was endorsed by the Cake Boss. The Cake Boss introduced Christie as "the guy who put all my kids through college."

Going into New Hampshire, Jeb Bush was polling at 5th place. Not among the candidates, among the members of the Bush family.

Sun, 02/07/16

Joke Day: #3482

From: 02/10/16
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page       Joke: 7/25

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Today is Ash Wednesday, which is the official beginning of Lent. I've noticed a lot of people use Lent as an excuse to diet. They give up things like chocolate or carbs for 40 days and claim it's for religious reasons. Pretty sure Jesus didn't die to get you ready for bikini season.

Donald Trump and Bernie Sanders won their respective party primaries. It was a great night for loud men with crazy hair.

On the Republican side, Gov. John Kasich came out of nowhere to finish second despite the fact that no one has any idea who he is.

According to the exit polls, Trump and Sanders were the number one choice among white voters and since that's the only kind of voter they have in New Hampshire, it worked out well.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Following his victory in New Hampshire, Bernie Sanders has become the first Jewish candidate in U.S. history to win a primary. Afterwards, Bernie held a press conference where he answered questions with a question.

The popular AMC TV series "The Walking Dead" has teamed up with Hallmark to create a new line of Valentine’s Day cards. It’s the perfect way to say "This relationship died years ago."

People magazine has announced that actor Ryan Reynolds is the “Sexiest Dad Alive.” Coming in last: your dad.

A recent study has found that people who say “I love you” during sex are more likely to feel satisfied afterwards. And least likely to be satisfied are people who say, “What ARE we, Brad?”

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

Every four years Iowa goes "Hey, how about this," and New Hampshire goes, "No, stupid, this." And last night in the Granite State, Bernie Sanders and Donald Trump each crushed their competition by 20 points, turning our entire political system upside down.

Outsiders are the insiders. Socialists are the establishment. These are now acceptable hairstyles!

America has been told for years to pick the sensible candidate, the responsible one, a buddy, a pal, great on paper. "You will grow to love them." But now it is getting swept off its feet by a couple of bad boys from the wrong side of the polls.

One candidate who did not do so well last night is the winner of the 2016 presidential election, Hillary Clinton.

Mon, 02/08/16

Joke Day: #3483

From: 02/10/16
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page       Joke: 8/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Congratulations to Bernie Sanders and Donald Trump on winning their parties' New Hampshire primaries last night! In his speech, Bernie said he couldn't have done it without the support of millions of Americans. While Trump was like, “This was ALL me! You losers did nothing!"

People say Jeb Bush may be finally hitting his stride; in fact one supporter said that Jeb is getting, quote, “very loose. And when he's loose, he's on fire.” Jeb said he knows people want to see him get loose, because his crowds are always chanting, “Looser! Looser!"

One of the big surprises last night was Ohio Gov. John Kasich, who came in second for the Republicans. And some celebrities are even starting to support him, even Arnold Schwarzenegger. However, a spokesman for Schwarzenegger said it's not an actual endorsement. When asked why, Schwarzenegger was like, “Because even I am afraid of Hillary!"

In related news, Chris Christie just dropped out of the race and endorsed Bernie Sandwich.

Conan O'Brien

Today is Ash Wednesday — that’s the first day of Lent when most Catholics give something up. It seems like Catholics in the U.S. decided to give up Marco Rubio.

J.K. Rowling will publish another Harry Potter book this summer and in this one, Harry is a father. Until chapter three, when Maury Povich shows up.

Bernie Sanders is the first Jewish person ever to win a presidential primary. Which is why he celebrated his victory by telling the crowd, "It could be worse!"

In New Hampshire, 64 percent of Republican voters want to ban Muslims from entering the U.S. The other 36 percent are familiar with the Constitution.

A new report suggests that soon, gasoline will be cheaper than water. And in Flint, Michigan, it will be healthier than water.

Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent. So finally, a reason for people to dislike Kanye West.

Today, the state of Delaware issued a formal apology for slavery. Delaware also tweeted to Native Americans "#mybad."

The Late Late Show with James Corden

After last night's New Hampshire primary it looks like Chris Christie is out, which isn't surprising — he doesn't look like the kind of guy who wins a lot of races.

Jeb Bush came in fourth place. He came in fourth place, but he told CNN that he considers that a win.

Is it possible for a man to be sadder than Jeb Bush? We are a week away from Jeb Bush walking on stage at the debate just wearing sweat pants, eating cereal directly out of the box, and just going, "Oh, what's the point."

The real story of last night's primary was John Kasich, who out of nowhere managed to take second place with Republicans. It seems like Kasich's major selling point is that he's not Trump, Cruz, or Jeb.

Tue, 02/09/16

Joke Day: #3484

From: 02/11/16
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page       Joke: 9/25

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Valentine's Day: the day women all around the world wait eagerly to discover the new and wonderful ways their husbands and boyfriends will disappoint them.

Americans are expected to spend $681 million on Valentine's Day gifts for their pets this year. This is, by the way, how we know we have too much money: when we're spending $681 million on a Valentine that doesn't see any difference between chocolate and poop.

In the movie "Ghostbusters ll," which came out in 1989, they say the world is going to end on Valentine's Day 2016 — which is Sunday. Good news if you haven't made a dinner reservation yet; you're off the hook.

There's a Goodwill store in Sarasota, Florida where they're asking people who have been through a breakup recently to donate their ex's old belongings for Valentine's Day. It's a great idea. They should rename themselves GoodRiddance instead of Goodwill.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders earlier tonight faced off in a debate on PBS, or as PBS calls it, "Antiques Roadshow."

Chris Christie announced yesterday that he's dropping out of the presidential race. Christie said he's not sure what he'll do now, and then someone reminded him he's still the governor of New Jersey.

Bernie Sanders, yesterday, had breakfast in Harlem with the Reverend Al Sharpton. Interesting, usually when an old white guy goes out to Harlem, it's because he fell asleep on the train.

Jeb Bush today said he is the only candidate who has the you-know-what to go up against Donald Trump. Oh, my god, Jeb. You can't claim to have balls if you don't even have the balls to say balls.

It's been reported that infamous drug lord El Chapo will stand trial in Brooklyn. Though I'm not sure it's a good idea to try him in a place that already has, like, five tunnels.

Wed, 02/10/16

Joke Day: #3485

From: 02/11/16
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page       Joke: 10/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

In his victory speech after the New Hampshire primary, Donald Trump claimed the unemployment rate might actually be as high as 42 percent. He might be right, because Hillary just fired her entire campaign staff.

It's been a rough week for Hillary, after Bernie Sanders won the New Hampshire primary by more than 20 points. Bernie said he's always liked New Hampshire, especially cuz he was around when it was still Old Hampshire.

Hillary Clinton recently said it's a “low blow” for Bernie Sanders to criticize her for not being progressive enough. And if you want to know more about that story, do NOT Google “Clinton low blow.” Save yourself.

After finishing second in New Hampshire’s Republican primary, John Kasich said he can handle attacks by Donald Trump saying, “I'm not gonna sit there and be a marshmallow and have somebody pound me." Then Chris Christie was like, "Anyone else as turned on as I am?"

Conan O'Brien

Yesterday, Bernie Sanders was a guest on "The View." There was an awkward moment where Bernie looked around and said "Where’s that MILF Barbara Walters?

An exact replica of the Titanic is scheduled to set sail in 2018. The good news is by 2018, there will be no icebergs left to sink it.

Ben Carson said he is open to being Donald Trump’s vice president. Yeah, it makes sense, Carson could deliver Trump the black Republican vote — which consists of Ben Carson.

An Army lab has created a ready-to-eat pizza that lasts for three years. When he heard this, the CEO of Papa John’s said, "Challenge accepted."

A recent study found that bottlenose dolphins sometimes murder other dolphins. However, police say it’s easy to find the culprit because dolphins love to squeal.

Thu, 02/11/16

Joke Day: #3486

From: 02/15/16

Top of Page       Joke: 11/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

We are so excited to be starting a week of shows here in Los Angeles! We left a city with temperatures in the 30s for a town where nobody admits they’re in their 30s.

President Obama just visited LA. Or as Donald Trump put it, “The state is being taken over by Kenyans.”

Another big story in LA right now is that it’s Kobe Bryant’s last season with the Lakers, and I read that he set a new NBA record for the most seasons with a single team. Kobe and the Lakers have been together for 20 years, which is actually longer than any other couple in Los Angeles.

Donald Trump just promised that he will no longer use foul language on the campaign trail. So now when people ask him his policy on ISIS, he just says “I'm going to bomb the shy-diddly-doodles out of them.”

During a recent rally in Louisiana, Donald Trump actually autographed someone’s baby. Even crazier, when he handed the baby back to the parents, Trump said, “Congratulations, your baby’s worth three times as much now."

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Do you know that every Presidents Day Michelle Obama lets President Obama eat one skittle as a treat? Meanwhile, Donald Trump spent his by photoshopping his head onto a million-dollar bill.

The 31st annual LA Marathon was this weekend. Between the marathon and Obama's visit it was a big week for Kenyans screwing up LA traffic.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Valentine's Day was yesterday. So, if I look like I didn't get much sleep, it's because the couch was really uncomfortable.

Republicans and Democrats are fighting over whether President Obama should be able to appoint Justice Scalia's successor. Democrats say that he should, whereas the Constitution says that he shall.

The Ted Cruz campaign has pulled a new ad after it was revealed that the actress in it has appeared in soft-core porn; and now Jeb has hired her to teach him how to act like he's enjoying something.

Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders were both in Las Vegas over the weekend. Hillary attended a campaign rally, while Bernie played the nickel slots.

There's a new Internet scam out where people are sent an email from a man claiming to be the cousin of a Nigerian astronaut who's been stranded in space for over a decade. So, if you gave him money, that's on you.

Fri, 02/12/16

Joke Day: #3487

From: 02/16/16

Top of Page       Joke: 12/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

It's our second day in Los Angeles - and good news: we just found a parking spot.

Pharrell went to the Grammy’s last night sporting blonde hair and a tweed blazer. Which explains that award he went home with: “Best Impression of Hillary Clinton.”

Apparently some prostitutes at a Nevada brothel have launched a campaign for Hillary Clinton called “Hookers for Hillary.” Yeah, they want to donate money to the Clintons - or as they call it, “Giving back.”

Actually during his speech at the rally, George W. Bush said his brother Jeb is the guy who can fix the problems that inflame our country’s frustrations. Or in other words, Jeb is America’s Preparation H.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Marco Rubio is being criticized for opening his new campaign ad with the slogan "It's morning again in America," but showing stock footage images of Vancouver, Canada.

Several political experts have put together a short list of who they believe president Obama is considering for the Supreme Court nomination. Meanwhile, the GOP has put together their own short list.

According to the latest national poll, Hillary Clinton's lead over Bernie Sanders has narrowed to ten points. Also narrowed, Hillary Clinton's eyes.

Sat, 02/13/16

Joke Day: #3488

From: 02/17/16
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page       Joke: 13/25

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Pope Francis loudly scolded a fan in Mexico yesterday after the man grabbed his arm and pulled him down. And after hearing that the Pope yelled at a Mexican, Donald Trump converted to Catholicism.

Donald Trump said at a recent campaign rally that he has “never met a human being who’s lied” as much as Ted Cruz. Then Melania said, “You tell ’em, handsome!”

A cellist in Oregon was arrested after police found over 100 pounds of marijuana in his car trunk. Thankfully, when they pulled him over, he didn’t resort to violins.

The 140th Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show wrapped up last night and CJ, a German shorthaired pointer, took Best in Show — not, as Steve Harvey announced, “BEETHOVEN!!”

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

It's becoming increasingly obvious that our politics is a contact sport. It's mano a mano between people who would deport you if you understand the phrase "mano a mano."

Bernie Sanders has been fighting an uphill battle against Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump is battling with anyone who makes eye contact with him. Which means the only one who's safe is Ben Carson.

Stoking the fires of political discontent is the media. You see, for people on TV conflict is our bread and butter, and America is both gluten and lactose intolerant.

Sun, 02/14/16

Joke Day: #3489

From: 02/17/16
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page       Joke: 14/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Hillary Clinton had a coughing fit during a speech and the crowd actually chanted her name as she opened a cough drop. She got applause for choking — or as Jeb put it, "Must be nice."

After his big win in New Hampshire, they say Hillary's team is trying to dig up dirt on Bernie Sanders. You know what you call someone who digs up dirt on Bernie Sanders? An archaeologist.

The big decision for Sanders will be picking a vice president. It's important because whoever he chooses is just a prostate away from being the next president of the United States.

What is going on with the Republicans? I watch these debates. Trump attacks Cruz. Rubio goes after Bush. Bush gets into a fight with Trump. Remember the good old days when the Republicans were all united against the poor and the minorities? What happened?

The Late Late Show with James Corden

After saying he would never ditch his glasses, this week Jeb Bush appeared wearing contact lenses. Most people actually do look cooler without glasses, but Jeb looks like a turtle who has lost his shell.

Is anyone else worried that Jeb got rid of his glasses the same week he got a gun?

When Barack Obama was asked if Donald Trump could be president, he said, "I continue to believe Mr. Trump will not be president. And the reason is because I have a lot of faith in the American people." A president with faith in his citizens? I trust everything this guy says.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Pope Francis is in Mexico this week where we got to see something yesterday I don't think we've ever seen from a Pope — anger. The Pope all of a sudden gets annoyed and starts yelling at someone in the crowd. I don't know who he yelled at but it's kind of fun to see a pissed-off Pope.

President Obama said he believes Mr. Trump will not be president because the American people “recognize that being president is a serious job. It's not hosting a talk show." Maybe I don't get to do “serious” stuff like pardoning a turkey on Thanksgiving but I'll tell you something, Mr. Obama: Every minute of every day I'm thinking about how to keep Americans safe from Matt Damon.

Kendall and Kylie Jenner released a new iPhone app where it lets you enter the "glamorous and exciting world of Kendall and Kylie Jenner," another way of saying “stare at your phone for hours.” Once you download this app, your phone is no longer a smartphone.

Mon, 02/15/16

Joke Day: #3490

From: 02/18/16
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page       Joke: 15/25

Jimmy Kimmel Live

In South Carolina, things are looking up for Ted Cruz. Ted Cruz for the first time is ahead of Donald Trump in a national poll. Of course Trump is suing the poll.

The poll is what they call an outlier. Every other national poll shows Trump with a big lead. In fact, it's such an outlier, it might just be a liar without the out.

The Pope is in Mexico and on his way home he was asked about Donald Trump, and the Pope said, "A person who thinks only about building walls wherever they may be and not building bridges is not a Christian." Which of course is nonsense — Donald Trump made it very clear that his favorite book is the Bible.

If I told you two years ago that Donald Trump would be in a fight with the Pope you'd think I was insane. I mean this makes Taylor Swift versus Kanye West look like nothing.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Ben Carson said during last night’s town hall that he shoots pool to relax. Oh, he shoots pool? Because based on his energy level, I would have guessed heroin.

Donald Trump responded to criticism from Pope Francis today, and said the pontiff will wish Trump was president "if and when" the Vatican is attacked by ISIS. Though I think what he meant to say was, "That’s a nice Vatican you got there. It would be a shame if somethin' was to happen to it."

The University of Texas has decided to allow students to carry guns in the classroom. The school says it’s a guaranteed way to prevent the possibility of a pop quiz.

A Delta flight on Monday had to stay in the air for 30 hours due to weather delays on the East Coast. Even worse, when one customer got off the plane, no one had texted her.

A Chinese man recently held what he called a “pre-funeral” for himself to see how many people would show up to his real funeral. And if he’s the kind of guy who would do that, I’m going to guess not many.

Tue, 02/16/16

Joke Day: #3491

From: 02/18/16
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page       Joke: 16/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

I saw that Pope Francis scolded a crowd in Mexico this week after people excited to touch him accidentally made him fall. Even the devil was like, "Oh you all messed up now."

When asked about Donald Trump, Pope Francis said that people who build walls are not Christians. And Donald said, "Of course I'm a Christian. Do you know how many carpenters named Jesus I have working for me?"

During a CNN town hall last night, Ted Cruz was talking about how much he likes singing and even treated the crowd to a little Stevie Wonder. Stevie Wonder was like, "Even I know that dude is white."

Over on the Democratic side, Bernie Sanders is getting the support of students at Hillary Clinton's alma mater, Wellesley College. Now Hillary Clinton is trying to get the support of Bernie's alma mater, Jurassic Park.

IKEA is being accused of evading over $1 billion in taxes. Prosecutors have actually been after IKEA for years. They've just been having a hard time putting their case together.

The Late Late Show with James Corden

Pope Francis stated that he did not think that Donald Trump is a true Christian because of Trump's beliefs on immigration. I know you're thinking there goes the Pope's chance of being on the next season of "Celebrity Apprentice."

Do you know how wrong you have to be for a Pope to dislike you? I mean the Pope's entire thing is literally forgiveness. Pope John Paul hung out with the guy who tried to assassinate him and now Pope Francis is like, "I can't with this Trump guy. I can't."

Trump fired back saying the Pope will wish Donald Trump were president if the Vatican is ever attacked. I have to say, the one time I think people will wish Trump was president is if Ted Cruz is president.

In a historic move, the Pope also suggested that it might be acceptable to use contraception in order to prevent the spread of the Zika virus. That's not surprising to me because once you start debating with Donald Trump, birth control starts to seem like a pretty good idea.

Wed, 02/17/16

Joke Day: #3492

From: 02/19/16

Top of Page       Joke: 17/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

President Obama was spotted at a steak restaurant in D.C. This week with Morgan Freeman and Tom Hanks. They didn't even order anything. They just closed their eyes and listened to Morgan Freeman read the appetizers.

Tomorrow is the South Carolina primary, and this week Donald Trump has been telling supporters that if he wins South Carolina he thinks he could, quote, "Run the table." Yeah. And if he doesn't win, he'll flip over the table like an angry New Jersey housewife.

According to a recent study of college students, some TV shows help viewers become Kinder and more generous people. For instance, every time after I watch "The bachelor" I always put more money into my daughters' college funds.

Thu, 02/18/16

Joke Day: #3493

From: 02/22/16
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page       Joke: 18/25

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump won this weekend in Nevada and South Carolina, respectively. Because Americans are ready for compassionate, principled, experienced leadership OR the opposite.

Jeb Bush has dropped out of the presidential race. When reached for comment he said, “Oh NOW you wanna talk to me?!”

Apple is fighting back against critics and says it has no “sympathy for terrorists” despite refusing FBI orders to unlock private iPhone data. In fact, Apple hates terrorists so much, it’s releasing a new U2 album just for them.

Government regulators have released a new statement saying that no hover board scooter currently on the market meets proper safety standards. The other thing hover board scooters don’t meet: women.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

A new study from the University of Sussex found that horses can recognize human emotions based on our facial expressions. Yet another reason you should never play poker with a horse — and they never pitch in for the pizza.

You know what this means? Those Central Park carriage horses know when I'm depressed — usually because I'm looking at Central Park carriage horses.

Donald Trump was declared the big winner in the South Carolina primary by himself weeks ago, and the voters said, "Yeah! OK! That sounds good!" So now the obvious question is, will he ever not win? Yes, Trump is unstoppable. He's like Godzilla with less foreign policy experience.

I thought he was just doing this to promote his reality show or sell more steaks. When he announced his intention to be president, it never occurred to me that his end game was to BE president.

Fri, 02/19/16

Joke Day: #3494

From: 02/22/16
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page       Joke: 19/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

After doing poorly in Iowa, New Hampshire, and South Carolina, Jeb Bush announced that he’s dropping out of the race. Marco Rubio and Ted Cruz are both hoping to pick up Jeb’s supporters. Then Jeb said, “Joke's on you — I didn't have any supporters!”

The other big news is that Donald Trump won all 50 delegates in Saturday's South Carolina primary. So if you're paying attention, this is the official point when people go from saying, “Oh, this is kinda fun!” to saying, “Oh my God, this is really happening!”

When asked about the possibility that Mexico might not agree to pay for his border wall, Donald Trump said, "The wall just got 10 feet higher.” People in Mexico were like, “OK, well, our tunnels are exactly the same."

While Donald Trump was speaking at a rally in Atlanta, the lights suddenly went out and Trump said he actually liked it more in the dark. Then Melania Trump said, “Join the club.”

Conan O'Brien

After winning in South Carolina, Donald Trump boasted that he got the votes of "tall people, short people, fat people and skinny people." Then Trump said he "got some votes in a box" and "some votes from a fox."

Analysts say that Donald Trump’s GOP rivals are running out of time to defeat him. This is not according to the electoral schedule — it’s according to the Book of Revelations.

Reverend Al Sharpton called Donald Trump the "white Don King." Today, Sharpton apologized and said, "I’m sorry, I meant the orange Don King."

Jeb Bush spent $130 million and didn’t win a single state. Jeb spent yesterday commiserating with his campaign manager Nicolas Cage.

It’s being reported that over 20 million people interrupted their workday to watch Kanye West's fashion show online. People are calling it the "highest rated hate-watch in history."

U.S. officials say that ISIS is facing a severe strain on its cash supply. ISIS blames it on poor oversight, economic sanctions, and betting all their money on the Carolina Panthers.

A photo has emerged from the 1960s of Bernie Sanders getting arrested during a civil rights protest. Meanwhile, another photo emerged from the '60s that shows Donald Trump’s wife, Melania, not being born yet.

The Late Late Show with James Corden

John Kasich over the weekend said lots of women have left their kitchens to work on his campaign. Yeah, that will certainly help the upcoming election of 1956.

Jeb Bush announced that he will suspend his presidential campaign after it failed to meet expectations. And you just know that Jeb's in therapy right now, saying, "My brother was a two-term president. And I lost to the guy who fired Bret Michaels on 'The Apprentice.'"

George W. Bush was a little confused why Jeb quit because he was losing. Because as far as George W. Bush is concerned, you still become president even when you don't get the most votes.

Sat, 02/20/16

Joke Day: #3495

From: 02/23/16
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page       Joke: 20/25

Jimmy Kimmel Live

It was a big day for Donald Trump yesterday, the Nevada caucuses took place. Voting in the state of Nevada is a little different. In Nevada you pull the lever first and then you find out who you voted for. It is more exciting.

Donald Trump was heavily favored to win. Not just by Donald Trump, by other people too.

Marco Rubio and Ted Cruz are in a fierce battle for second place. Ted Cruz is very “Trumpy” lately. He just released an ad promising to sell off or give away all of Nevada's public lands, national parks, forests and monuments, which is a great idea if you're a cult leader or the founder of a polygamist sect. If you're a citizen, maybe not.

Ted Cruz said on “The O'Reilly Factor" that if he is elected, he would not allow aliens to return. Cruz says he is so strict on immigration, if he is elected president, he will even deport himself back to Canada.

Meanwhile, the Democrats have a primary in South Carolina this weekend and Bernie Sanders, who has had trouble attracting African-American voters, just got a high-profile endorsement from Spike Lee. Spike Lee taped a radio ad and just threw a garbage can through Hillary Clinton's pizzeria window.

It is a weird election when Spike Lee is endorsing the oldest, whitest man the world has ever seen. Are we sure Spike isn't confusing Bernie with Deion Sanders?

Late Night With Seth Meyers

President Obama today announced plans to close the prison at Guantanamo Bay. It’s a pretty simple plan, really. He’s going to put a RadioShack sign on it.

We’re now a week away from the Super Tuesday primaries and Ben Carson’s so excited he barely got 14 hours of sleep last night.

At a rally in Las Vegas last night Donald Trump told supporters he’d like to punch protesters in the face. Though he looks more like the kind of guy who would stroke a white cat while somebody else punched you in the face.

Hillary Clinton recently visited the set of the hit ABC show “Scandal.” Is that really the show you should be visiting right now? Why not drop by the set of “I Did Nothing Wrong,” or maybe “There Was Nothing Illegal in Those Emails!”

Lego has announced that to “mirror the world we live in today” the company will be adding working mom, handicapped, and stay-at-home dad figurines. Just a side note, the handicapped Lego figurine became disabled after he stepped on a Lego barefoot.

Sun, 02/21/16

Joke Day: #3496

From: 02/23/16
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page       Joke: 21/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

We have Bill Gates on the show tonight. We wanted to have a soft-spoken, thoughtful billionaire who is trying to make the world a better place, but since Donald Trump wasn’t available — we went with Bill.

Meanwhile, Ben Carson held a town hall event at a casino in Reno, and despite polling in last place, he said it's too early to give up. Even the old ladies sitting at the slot machines said, “This is just depressing.”

Ted Cruz's dad said that God sent a message to Ted Cruz's wife giving his permission to run for president. Though I'm not sure that's what God meant when he told Cruz’s wife, “Run!!”

Yesterday, a group of more than 20 unions released a statement supporting Hillary Clinton for president, including the Bricklayers Union. Then Donald Trump was like, “Et tu, wall builders?”

The Cuban government recently returned a missing U.S. missile that was sent to Europe for training, but was accidentally shipped to Cuba. So the good news is that the missile was returned to America. But the bad news is THAT CAN HAPPEN!

Conan O'Brien

Today is the Republican caucus in Nevada, and Donald Trump is projected to win. When asked why they’re voting for him, Americans said, "We’re used to doing things in Nevada that we’ll regret tomorrow."

Researchers say much of Florida could be underwater by the end of the century. On the bright side, they say it could happen much sooner.

Trump is actually doing very well in Nevada. That’s right, Trump appeals to Nevada’s key demographic — people who’ve declared bankruptcy.

Donald Trump said as president he would prosecute Hillary Clinton for using a private email server. He also said he would arrest Hillary Clinton for being a woman over 40.

President Obama has unveiled his plan to finally shut down Guantanamo Bay. And to make sure no one ever goes in there again, Obama is handing it over to the people who run RadioShack.

In a recent interview, Ben Carson said President Obama couldn’t identify with black Americans because he was "raised white." So if you’re keeping score, according to Republicans, President Obama was raised white as a Muslim in Kenya.

The Late Late Show with James Corden

Starbucks has unveiled a new rewards system. Previously, you needed only 12 rewards "Stars" to get a free drink; you now need 125. This has made Starbucks customers very angry, and these are people who pay $5 for a cup of coffee. It's hard to get them angry.

I mean, this is all so frustrating. If only there was some way for people to make their own coffee, at home.

Starbucks' reward currency is called "Stars." I like to picture the boardroom meeting for the naming of Starbucks currency. "I've got it! Stars! It's in our name. If I had a buck for every time I thought of an idea this good…"

Just a few months ago, people were furious that Starbucks removed Christmas imagery from their cups, and last year, customers got angry that pumpkin spice didn't contain any actual pumpkin. I think the real problem here is that drinking that much caffeine every day turns you into a [whiner].

Mon, 02/22/16

Joke Day: #3497

From: 02/24/16
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page       Joke: 22/25

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Trump won the Nevada caucuses in every demographic last night. He won white men, white women, white rich people, and white poor people. Rural whites, urban whites. He got one vote from a Chinese guy, which was nice.

Trump even won the Latino vote. Which is amazing. It makes me wonder if people really come here from Mexico for a better life or if they come to get away from their relatives. Maybe they want the wall to keep their in-laws out.

Dr. Ben Carson finished a distant fourth in Nevada. He only got 5 percent of the vote. But for some reason he's still not dropping out. He's promised to continue on. He said, "I believe that things are starting to happen here." You know it's time to drop out when it has been weeks since Donald Trump even bothered to call you a moron.

I was thinking about why Ben Carson is still running today and my first guess is he's retired and he's bored. He has $10 million in the bank. Why not run? But there's another possibility. Maybe he's sleepwalking.

Facebook today rolled out a new thing called “Reactions.” Now instead of “liking” when a friend's dog passes away, which is weird, you can be much more thoughtful and sensitive, posting a sad emoji with a giant tear squirting out of its face.

Facebook launched another new feature this week. It's a birthday cam that lets you record a 15-second video wishing someone a happy birthday, a video version of voice mail. Now instead of getting birthday messages from people you don't know, you'll also get birthday videos from people you don't know.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Following his win at last night’s Nevada caucus, Donald Trump told supporters that he won in almost every voter demographic, and said, quote, “I love the poorly educated.” To which they replied, “Us love you more, Mr. Trunks!"

Donald Trump said yesterday that his supporters are so loyal that they would kill for him. In fact, that’s who killed that thing he wears on his head.

A recent study suggests that it’s harder to concentrate in the winter. Said researchers, “For example, this study was supposed to be about traffic accidents.”

Engineers at Boston Dynamics have unveiled a humanoid robot that can withstand getting pushed in the chest with a hockey stick without falling over. Which is definitely the most Boston way to test a robot.

Tue, 02/23/16

Joke Day: #3498

From: 02/24/16
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page       Joke: 23/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Last night was the Republican caucus in Nevada, and Donald Trump scored a big victory, bringing him one step closer to the Republican nomination. A Trump presidency is getting so real, Mexico is starting to think a wall is a pretty great idea.

NASA said this week it has received a record high number of 18,000 applications for their astronaut training program. NASA said it shows a growing interest in space exploration. Then people said, “Nah, we just wanna get off the planet before this election.”

Hasbro announced they are making a new version of Monopoly to appeal to a younger generation. That means it won't come with any cash, so you'll have to borrow some from your parents' Monopoly set.

Whole Foods is looking into the idea of putting tattoo parlors in their grocery stores. Even so, the people walking out of Whole Foods with the biggest sense of regret will still be whoever just paid $8 for an apple.

Conan O'Brien

Although she herself is an immigrant, Donald Trump’s wife Melania says she is fine with her husband’s tough anti-immigration stance. When asked why, Mrs. Trump said she had about 4.5 billion reasons.

After he won yesterday's Nevada caucus, Donald Trump said, "I love the poorly educated." Trump then said, "And when I’m president there’ll be more of them than ever."

When asked about Cuba Gooding Jr.’s portrayal of him, O.J. Simpson said he’s "not tall enough and his head is too small." Simpson then said, "Also, he didn't kill my wife."

Wealthy GOP donors are now lining up behind Marco Rubio. Not because the donors think he can stop Trump, but because they think Rubio is the valet.

Hillary came to Los Angeles and she visited the set of the political drama "Scandal." There was an awkward moment when Hillary told the writers, "Man, have I got some ideas for you."

In addition to the "like" button, Facebook has now added buttons for "love," "wow," "haha," "sad," and "angry." In other words, Facebook copied the emotional journey of any Adele album.

Despite Jeb Bush’s poor campaign, some analysts are already talking about the political rise of his son, George P. Bush. George P. Bush has already got his campaign slogan: "Don’t Worry I Was Adopted."

The Late Late Show with James Corden

Facebook has launched new alternatives that go beyond its trademark "like" button. Basically Facebook is doing what I tried and failed at with so many women — moving beyond just like.

Now there are five new buttons. There's "love," "haha," "wow," "sad" and "angry." I still have no idea which one of those feels appropriate when my friend posts that her cat has feline AIDS.

Wed, 02/24/16

Joke Day: #3499

From: 02/25/16
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page       Joke: 24/25

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Donald Trump has a powerful new enemy and his name is Mitt Romney. You remember Mitt Romney, the JCPenney mannequin who came to life and ran for president four years ago? He's back.

Romney said there will be a bombshell in Donald Trump's tax returns once they are released, and added that he's either not as rich as he says he is or he didn't give money to the veterans or disabled people like he's been saying he does. How is that a bombshell? Of course he's not as rich as he says he is. He's not as anything as he says he is.

Here's a new fashion trend that might make its way to the red carpet on Sunday. They're called furry nails. They're exactly what they sound like, nails with fur — like finger Uggs.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

The Oscars are this Sunday, which marks the official end of Black History Month.

CNN and Telemundo both carried tonight’s debate. So questions were addressed either “for Mr. Trump” or “para El Diablo."

President Obama posted on LinkedIn today about his first job scooping ice cream. He’s the first president to post on LinkedIn — other than, of course, Abraham LinkedIn.

After spending almost one year in space, astronaut Scott Kelly will return to Earth next week. Where he is expected to be very surprised how little we’ve talked about that.

Some parents across the country are worried after certain brands of sippy cups have started growing mold inside the mouthpiece valves. While other parents are on their third child. “Just scrape it off if it tastes funny.”

Thu, 02/25/16

Joke Day: #3500

From: 02/25/16
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page       Joke: 25/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Tonight in Houston, Texas, there was yet another Republican debate. Even the people on "Grey's Anatomy" were like, "How long does this go on?"

You can tell the candidates are getting bored up there 'cause at one point they took turns prank calling Jeb Bush.

Last night, John Kasich said his favorite president was George Washington because he could have been president forever but stepped down after two terms. While Trump said his favorite president was George Washington 'cause he also wore a fantastic wig.

Mitt Romney recently accused Trump of having a bombshell in his tax returns, then Trump responded by tweeting that Romney blew an election. Yeah, Donald Trump is fighting with Mitt Romney. Even the Oscars were like, “That's just too white.”

In a new interview, Donald Trump's wife, Melania, said that she speaks English, Italian, French, and German. Which is good 'cause if she ever becomes first lady she'll need to apologize for her husband in at least those four languages.

Conan O'Brien

It’s been reported that Donald Trump, despite his anti-immigration stance, hired over 500 foreign workers at his Florida resort. In fairness, the resort is called "Hypocrisy Cove."

The latest polls show Donald Trump beating Marco Rubio in Rubio’s home state of Florida by 16 points. To win back Florida voters, Rubio has started doing meth.

U.S. astronaut Scott Kelly is about to return to Earth after spending an entire year in space. Then he saw Donald Trump’s poll numbers and said, "You know, I’m good up here."

It’s been announced that Vice President Joe Biden will be a presenter at Sunday night’s Oscars. So, diversity problem — solved!

President Obama said that his very first job was scooping ice cream. After hearing this, Chris Christie said, "I thought he looked familiar."

Police in Cincinnati are looking for a bald man who has been stealing Rogaine from drug stores. The suspect is being described as "armed and suddenly dating again."

The Late Late Show with James Corden

There is a new website for Bernie supporters who are looking for love. It's called Berniesingles.com. In fairness, it makes sense that Bernie would have a dating website because he looks just like the eHarmony guy.

On Bernie's website you have two choices. You can swipe left or swipe far left.

The Clintons also have their own dating website. It's called Ashley Madison.

A woman in Oregon has opened a business selling homemade weed pipes with Bernie's campaign logo on them. Weed pipes are the perfect gift for Bernie supporters. It's like getting a nice bottle of wine for a Hillary supporter, or getting somebody who wants to vote for Ted Cruz a machine gun made out of Bibles.