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Joke of the Day

Day # Range: 3451 - 3475

Date Range: 01/07/16 - 02/04/16

Late Night Jokes

Newest Jokes at Bottom

Thu, 01/07/16

Joke Day: #3451

From: 01/07/16
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page       Joke: 1/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

In an interview on “Morning Joe” yesterday, Donald Trump said that he thinks the media is starting to like him. Then the media said, “Like you? Have you seen our ratings? We LOVE you!”

Donald Trump's wife, Melania, gave an interview and said she remembers her first date with Donald like it was two months ago. Then it got awkward when she was like, “But the marks on my wall clearly show that it's been 17 years, two months, and six days.”

We’re now just a few days away from President Obama's final State of the Union Address. Which means Joe Biden only has a few days left to decide what weird thing he's gonna do in the background.

Yesterday in Alabama, a bomb squad was called in to a post office to handle suspicious bags that ended up being full of hot dogs. So if you know someone who left a bag full of hot dogs at the post office, you should still call the police.

Conan O'Brien

Donald Trump is now accusing Ted Cruz of having a Canadian passport. Cruz said he doesn’t have a Canadian passport, but like everyone else he’ll get one the minute Donald Trump becomes president.

Scientists say they have discovered evidence of the mating habits of dinosaurs. What they found are giant footprints from the world’s first "Walk of Shame."

In Southern California, residents can get up to $100 if they use rain barrels to catch extra rainwater. Experts say it’s a great way to make money, two days a year.

Former Toronto Mayor Rob Ford, who was videotaped smoking crack, now says he wants to be Toronto’s mayor again. When asked why he wants the job again, he said, "So I can afford to buy crack."

The Late Late Show with James Corden

Hillary Clinton complained about having to take selfies with voters, saying that it takes up too much time at campaign events. Yeah, good one, Hillary. That's the way to capture the youth vote — directly criticize their favorite thing in the whole world.

Hillary said she doesn't like selfies because the interaction is very impersonal. She said, "If anything is going to be impersonal on this campaign trail, I prefer it to be me."

Meanwhile Bernie Sanders announced that he loves selfies. He just hasn't figured out how to take them on his rotary phone.

There was a landmark case this week and a judge has ruled that a monkey can't own the copyright for a selfie it took with a photographer's camera. How sad must it be for the lawyer who had to represent a monkey? Like imagine he was there going, "Your honor, I object to the way my life has turned out."

One thing is for sure, this case was bananas. Although, the monkey may win on a-peel.

Fri, 01/08/16

Joke Day: #3452

From: 01/08/16

Top of Page

Top of Page       Joke: 2/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

At a rally last night in Vermont, Donald Trump refused to let anyone in that wasn't a Trump supporter, but several protesters got in anyway. So keep that in mind the next time you listen to the guy whose biggest campaign promise is keeping people from sneaking in.

An autograph expert said that Hillary Clinton's autograph is the most valuable of all the candidates. For instance, a Hillary Clinton-signed hat is worth about $1500 dollars, while a Jeb Bush-signed hat is worth...whatever the hat cost originally, minus a few bucks for the Jeb Bush signature.

The president of Mexico announced that the notorious drug lord El Chapo has been caught. So good news everybody — Mexico is completely safe again!

At the Consumer Electronics Show in Las Vegas this week, a company debuted a drone that can carry a person. People were like, “So... A helicopter? It’s been done.” “Oh this will take ya right up in the air!” And the company was like, “AH CRAP!”

Jimmy Kimmel Live

The Sunday after New Year's is supposed to be the biggest day of the year for online dating. I guess when the clock strikes midnight and you have no one to kiss it makes an impact on you.

According to match.com there's a 60 percent increase in the new members that they have between Christmas and Valentine's Day. And, the single best time to sign up was yesterday at 3:00 p.m. — if you didn't sign up yesterday at exactly 3:00 p.m., you're probably going to die alone.

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West recently welcomed their second child — A boy named Saint. Kim shared the first photo of Saint over the weekend, giving us a rare glimpse into her private life. The picture shows little Saint holding the finger of his sister, North — either that or Kanye has tiny hands.

Sat, 01/09/16

Joke Day: #3453

From: 01/11/16
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page

Top of Page       Joke: 3/25

Jimmy Kimmel Live

A lot of people were wondering whether Katy Perry was wearing a Bumpit last night at the Golden Globes. Remember those commercials? She said there was a Bumpit but it turns out it wasn't. She was hiding El Chapo in there.

El Chapo is the Mexican drug kingpin who was recaptured on Friday. He has been in hiding since he escaped from a maximum security prison in July and somehow wound up doing an interview with Sean Penn. Apparently he was hoping to get a movie made about his life. What a great plot twist, adding Sean Penn. I mean, the thing is writing itself. I wonder who Sean will get to play Sean in the movie.

El Chapo is back in the same prison he escaped from six months ago but they revoked his tunnel privileges this time. The plan is they're hoping to extradite him to the United States so he can be tried by a jury of his customers.

That is, if he doesn't escape again. He's very good at getting away. He's really the closest thing Mexico has to a leprechaun.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Mexican officials revealed Sunday that fugitive drug lord El Chapo nearly escaped by using a secret doorway hidden behind a mirror. Which would have made it hard to capture him since Mexico has no extradition agreement with Narnia.

The White House revealed over the weekend that President Obama privately met with Bernie Sanders. And when she heard this, Hillary Clinton fake-smiled so hard, her ears touched in the back.

The world-famous Playboy Mansion is for sale. Luckily, so is bleach.

Rumors are swirling that Apple may come out with a line of self-driving cars. Which means that, for some future birthday, your mom will get you a Microsoft car and tell you it’s just as good.

Dennis Hof, the owner of Nevada’s famous Bunny Ranch Brothel, has announced he will run for Senate in 2016. Even though the only experience he has with politicians is telling them to “come back soon!”

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

Tomorrow night is Obama's last big event, the State of the Union. And this year, the president's speech is going to be what his aides are calling "non-traditional." So I assume it's maybe barefoot, on the beach, everyone's in linen, rolled cuffs, and instead of a State of the Union cake, maybe cupcakes.

On Friday, Joaquin "El Chapo" Guzman was finally captured by Mexican authorities, six months after tunneling out of prison for the second time. It's good they put him on a helicopter. Once it's airborne, it makes the tunneling a little more hazardous.

The day after El Chapo's capture, Rolling Stone published a secret interview Sean Penn had done with El Chapo months before that is filled with humanizing details about the misunderstood drug lord — he's a pretty good guy. He only kills people when he can make money off it.

Sun, 01/10/16

Joke Day: #3454

From: 01/11/16
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page

Top of Page       Joke: 1/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Donald Trump is on the show tonight, and I'm not saying security is tight, but the Secret Service just built a giant wall around the building — we had to pay for it!

Over the weekend, Bernie Sanders said that if he’s elected, he plans to spend $1 trillion to fight unemployment. When asked what they would do with that kind of money, unemployed people said, “Retire!”

Republican candidates aired a dozen new TV ads last week, even though recent data has shown that TV ads are mostly ineffective. Chris Christie was like, “If TV ads aren't effective, why do I keep going to Wendy's for their Gouda Bacon Cheeseburger, here ONLY for a limited time?”

A day after he was caught, it came out that Mexican drug lord El Chapo actually sat down for an interview with Sean Penn while he was on the run. In the interview, El Chapo described himself as “a person who's not looking for problems in any way.” You know, except for that whole “Mexican drug lord” thing. “I’m just a humble drug lord! I chop up my enemies one leg at a time, just like anybody else.”

Conan O'Brien

The Minnesota Vikings lost their playoff game yesterday when their kicker missed a 27-yard field goal. The kicker is now in an undisclosed location, waiting to meet with Sean Penn.

Mexican drug lord El Chapo was captured by authorities after meeting with Sean Penn. As a result, Bill Cosby just canceled his lunch with Sean Penn.

During a Donald Trump rally yesterday, a man was kicked out for yelling, "This is boring." The man then went to a Jeb Bush rally and realized he owed Trump an apology.

Due to pressure from animal rights groups, Ringling Bros. Circus has announced they will end their elephant show in May. When told, the elephants said, "Great — looks like it’s back to stripping for us."

The Late Late Show with James Corden

We all had to go to work this morning because none of us won the Powerball. Nobody has won the Powerball lottery since November. And the jackpot is now sitting at $1.4 billion. That's almost three days' worth of groceries from Whole Foods.

The truth is that the odds of you winning are 290 million to 1. That means are you about as likely to win the Powerball as you are to ever hear the words “President Jeb Bush.”

The Playboy Mansion is up for sale for $200 million. Yeah, you could own the house that was recently named the stickiest mansion in America.

Hugh Hefner comes with the house — Hugh Hefner must be granted residence on the property for as long as he lives. That means if you buy the Playboy Mansion you could be living with Hugh Hefner all the way through February.

Mon, 01/11/16

Joke Day: #3455

From: 01/12/16
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page

Top of Page       Joke: 4/25

Jimmy Kimmel Live

This Powerball drawing is tomorrow night. The pot is up to $1.5 billion — a record, almost triple the previous jackpot. To put that in perspective, $1.5 billion is almost half of Oprah.

Tonight before a joint session of Congress, President Obama delivered his seventh and final State of the Union address. In this one he tried to focus on the positive. For example, he's positive nothing he proposes will get done over the next year.

Republicans control both houses so it's going to be very difficult for the president to pass any new legislation. The only bill more unpopular than a bill from President Obama right now is a Bill Cosby.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

The 84-year-old media mogul Rupert Murdoch this week proposed to 59-year-old former model Jerry Hall. Hall said yes because she didn’t feel like standing in line for Powerball tickets.

President Obama tonight delivered his final State of the Union address. Now, we tape this show early, but I’m guessing he was interrupted dozens of times by applause and twice when Hillary Clinton tried to tag in.

In the lead-up to tonight’s State of the Union address, House Speaker Paul Ryan accused President Obama of plotting to set verbal traps for Republicans. Responded Obama, "Losersayswhat?"

According to a new study by the CDC, women are more likely than men to experiment with same-sex partners. Said men, “What channel is CDC?”

McDonald’s is trying out a new concept restaurant in Hong Kong called McDonald’s Next, which features a 19-item salad bar including quinoa. It’s sure to have customers saying, “I’ll have a Big Mac."

Tue, 01/12/16

Joke Day: #3456

From: 01/12/16
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page

Top of Page       Joke: 6/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Tonight, President Obama gave his final State of the Union address, and a lot of people said it had a more optimistic tone. That's right, instead of seeing the glass half-empty, Obama sees the presidency seven-eighths OVER.

Tonight was Paul Ryan’s first State of the Union as speaker of the House. But get this, Ben Carson recently said that several Republican congressmen actually tried to recruit HIM for the job. Of course then they’d have to call him “whisperer of the House."

The White House joined Snapchat yesterday. It's a great platform for the White House, because moments after you make a promise, it magically disappears.

Ben & Jerry's ice cream wants to make a flavor inspired by Bernie Sanders. Whatever flavor it winds up being, we know Bernie will hate it for being too rich.

Marco Rubio's campaign said that it expects to lose the first four states in the primary elections, but thinks he can win the nomination anyway. Which is sort of like not getting a rose on “The Bachelor,” and being like, “Call me!”

Conan O'Brien

Hillary Clinton said she went to Donald Trump’s wedding but didn’t give him a gift. Trump said, "Just for that, you’re not coming to my next three weddings."

The New York Times is describing President Obama’s State of the Union as "a balance of terror and reality." Which, coincidentally, is also the motto of Match.com.

The other Republican candidates keep attacking Marco Rubio implying he’s a child. However, Rubio has hit back against these charges, threatening repeatedly to "tell Mom."

As you all know, Sean Penn recently interviewed El Chapo. Not to be outdone, Keanu Reeves now wants to interview El Niño.

A new report says America’s fast food restaurants are seeking alternatives to the term "fast food." So far the leading choices are "fast-crafted," "fine casual," and "just trust us it’s meat."

One of the gadgets to come out of the Consumer Electronics Show was a drone that follows you around and lets you take selfies 24/7. The device was developed by a team of the world’s leading Kardashiologists.

The set of "Sesame Street" just got a major upgrade, and now Elmo lives in a brownstone apartment. And in another upscale move, Cookie Monster has been replaced by the Gluten-Free Biscotti Monster.

The Late Late Show with James Corden

It's been nearly two weeks since members of an anti-government militia took over a federal bird sanctuary in Oregon in order to protest the government's control of federal lands. The members of the militia are heavily armed with AR-15s, AK-47s, and other lethal weaponry one would expect to find on a bunch of dudes guarding some cockatoos.

This is such a controversial story. Even the birds are split on this. Some are right-winged, some are left-winged.

Ammon Bundy, the leader of the militia, has compared his occupation of the wildlife refuge to that of Rosa Parks. And I think we all remember when Rosa Parks got on a public bus, sat down, then whipped out an AK-47 and threatened to kill anyone who made her change seats.

The militia are short on supplies, and have released a wish list of items they hope people will donate to their cause. You have to see this list. These guys did not plan ahead. They're asking for four aprons, ice scrapers, candles, throw rugs. It's like a wedding registry for the most boring couple you know.

There is only one thing they say they needed badly on this list — eggs. They need eggs badly, at a bird sanctuary.

Wed, 01/13/16

Joke Day: #3457

From: 01/13/16
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page

Top of Page       Joke: 7/25

Jimmy Kimmel Live

President Obama gave his final State of the Union address last night. It was the president's shortest State of the Union address, clocking in at 58:49. Mine would have been however long it takes to say, "You're on your own, suckers."

If you're a Republican you don't want to get caught agreeing with anything Obama says because it could ruin your political career, so you have to sit there and make a face like you're witnessing your family getting eaten by coyotes through the whole thing.

Kim Davis, the county clerk who refused the same-sex marriage licenses, was also at the State of the Union address. She was sporting her meanest scowl and her fullest mullet for the event. She said she was there to encourage all Christians — she even wore Joseph's amazing Technicolor dream coat.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

President Obama said last night that he treated his last State of the Union address just like his first, because he’s “just as hungry.” Probably because he’s only been allowed to eat kale for the last seven years.

A Fort Worth man fell into a large construction hole while walking to purchase lottery tickets. When asked what he would buy if he won, he said, “A ladder.”

American Airlines announced this week that it flew passengers a total of 223 billion miles in 2015. Said passengers, “For the love of God, please let us off this plane!”

The main cast of the hit sitcom “Friends” will reunite for a two-hour special in February. The episode will be titled “The One Where You’re Reminded of Your Mortality.”

Thu, 01/14/16

Joke Day: #3458

From: 01/13/16
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page

Top of Page       Joke: 8/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

President Obama gave his final State of the Union address last night. He started by saying he would give a shorter speech, which seemed to get the most applause of the night.

Obama saying he's going to keep it short is like Donald Trump saying, "Enough about me."

During his speech, President Obama criticized companies for not being loyal enough to their employees. Yeah, employees would agree, but they were busy buying Powerball tickets so they could quit their job.

New polls found that Bernie Sanders is now ahead of Hillary Clinton among Democrats in both Iowa and New Hampshire. And even Hillary's lead in national polls is dwindling. I don't want to say Hillary is upset, but this morning she was spotted shouting into a volcano, "You said we had a deal!"

Bernie’s really picking up some momentum. In fact yesterday, he received an endorsement from the progressive website MoveOn.org. As opposed to, Jeb Bush, who was just endorsed by the website "No, seriously. MoveOn.org!"

Conan O'Brien

The St. Louis Rams will be moving to L.A. and building a nearly $2 billion stadium here. Apparently the Rams intend to accomplish this by winning the Powerball.

Leonardo DiCaprio apologized to Lady Gaga for having a scared look on his face when she walked by him at the Golden Globes. He said, "I always make that face when a woman over the age of 22 is near me."

While commenting on the State of the Union, Donald Trump said President Obama is "living in a fantasy land." Donald Trump then went to sleep in his solid gold bed with his supermodel wife.

In Oakland, California, for the first time, a marijuana company will be publicly traded. It’s the first ever stock that you can buy high AND sell high.

Donald Trump has been endorsed by one of the country's most prominent hate groups — his ex-wives.

The Late Late Show with James Corden

Huge news for the city of Los Angeles, because after 21 years, the city is finally getting a football team. The Rams are moving back to L.A. — so finally another thing for the people of Los Angeles to pretend to care about.

I have lived in Los Angeles for one year, and in that time Los Angeles has regained an NFL team, it started raining again after three years of drought, and they opened the city's first Dunkin' Donuts. Now look, I can't take credit for all of those, but I'm definitely taking credit for that Dunkin' Donuts. That was all me.

But the Los Angeles Rams now fall into a long line of mascots that don't really match their location. Like the L.A. Lakers have no lakes. There is no jazz in Utah, and Orlando hasn't had actual magic since O-Town broke up.

The Rams are already adjusting to L.A. life. They're now going to call tryouts auditions and ask you to bring a head shot with you when you come.

Now every Rams game is going to start with a two-hour red carpet. “Oh, you look great, I love the helmet. Who are you wearing?” I think it's Nike.

Fri, 01/15/16

Joke Day: #3459

From: 01/14/16
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page

Top of Page       Joke: 9/25

Jimmy Kimmel Live

There were three winning Powerball tickets. One of the winners is from here in L.A., one from Tennessee, the other lives in Florida. Just what Florida needs, another retiree.

The winning L.A. ticket was sold at a 7-Eleven in Chino Hills, about 45 minutes from here without traffic. With traffic it's a nine-hour drive.

The whole town of Chino Hills is excited. They're saying this could be the thing that puts Chino Hills on the map. Let's take a look, let's find out . . . Nope, nope. Still can't find it.

I think the worst thing that the lottery does to the winner is they publicly reveal who they are. In most of the states they do not allow the lottery winner to be anonymous, which means one night you go to bed a normal person, the next morning you wake up, you're Edward Snowden, everyone is chasing you.

The $1.568 billion jackpot, which is a record, will be split three ways. One winner gets the jackpot on Monday and Wednesday, another gets it Tuesday and Thursday, winner number three has the jackpot on weekends. I think Friday the money goes to Oprah or something.

You break it down, each of the three winners will receive $529 million — and 250 new relatives.

I kind of wish only one person had won the whole thing so we could have had somebody rich enough to become a real James Bond villain.

The nominations for the Academy Awards came out. All the acting nominees are white for the second year in a row. The Academy Awards are so white they're being held in the organic fruit aisle at Trader Joe's.

"Straight Outta Compton" only got one nomination and it went to the two white people who wrote the screenplay. Not a joke. So congratulations to all the nominees on their powerful Caucasian performances.

You know it's bad when there are more black people in the running for the Republican nomination for president than for the Academy Awards.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Oscar nominations were announced today and Sylvester Stallone is up for best supporting actor. Stallone said today that it was an honor to be nominated. Or he said it's an “awkward denominator.”

Donald Trump said this week that his high poll numbers in Massachusetts are due to his support from Patriots' quarterback Tom Brady. Man, what is it with Tom Brady and deflated leather balls?

A new poll shows that in the last month, Hillary Clinton's lead in Iowa has shrunk from 9 percent to 2 percent. Meanwhile, her fake smile has grown 200 percent.

Jeb Bush has released a new ad showing clips of mean things Donald Trump has said on the campaign trail. He also released his new campaign slogan "I'm telling!"

A group in Colorado has set a new world record for largest sticker ball after combining enough decals to create a nearly 9 foot wide 232 pound ball which proves one thing: Weed is definitely legal in Colorado.

Sat, 01/16/16

Joke Day: #3460

From: 01/14/16
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page

Top of Page       Joke: 10/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

We have former secretary of state and Democratic front-runner Hillary Clinton on the show tonight. Backstage she told me she's a huge fan of the show and I was like, "I know, I read it in your emails."

I read that there are actually four stars in the universe named after Donald Trump. You believe that? A burning ball of hot air has stars named after him.

President Vladimir Putin said that Russia has invented the world's most effective drug to fight Ebola. Yeah. When asked if he tested it on rats, Putin said, "You could call them that. Sure, yeah, yeah. They're rats."

A self-driving car in Southern California got stuck going in circles without anyone behind the wheel. Police had to use spike strips to get it to stop, which is the first time in history that cops put a stop to making doughnuts. It's very interesting.

Conan O'Brien

Donald Trump has been endorsed by a whites-only group. In response, Trump said, "I’m proud to be the official candidate of the U.S. Ski Team."

A man in Portland stole a 2-foot python from a pet store by putting it in his pants. For a while, I was their prime suspect.

A Chinese investment firm has bought the company behind the Batman movies. Which explains why in the next Batman movie, a young Bruce Wayne sees his parents killed, then goes back to making iPhones at the factory.

An NFL player is about to become a father for the 12th time with nine different women. So today, he was traded to the NBA.

The movie "Fifty Shades of Grey" has gotten a Razzie nomination for Worst Film of the Year. Upon hearing this, the film's director said, "Oooh, looks like I’ll have to be punished for that...”

As of yesterday, One Direction is officially breaking up. Also officially breaking up: my heart.

A new scientific report suggests that if only one man and woman were left on Earth, they could repopulate the world. The report concludes with the creepy line "so what do you say, Janice?"

Sun, 01/17/16

Joke Day: #3461

From: 01/15/16

Top of Page

Top of Page       Joke: 11/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

The Republican candidates held another debate in South Carolina, and it went on about half-hour longer than expected. Which isn't bad, considering Trump's campaign has gone on half a year longer than expected.

Today, the moderators apologized for keeping viewers awake so late. Then viewers said, "You didn't."

Donald Trump tried bringing up polls that showed him winning, and the crowd actually started to boo. Trump was like, "See, even ghosts love me."

Last week near the Texas/Mexico border, authorities say they found a shipment of over a ton of marijuana that was disguised to look like carrots. Which explains why Bugs Bunny is now like, "Sup, doc?"

Mon, 01/18/16

Joke Day: #3462

From: 01/18/16

Top of Page

Top of Page       Joke: 12/25

Conan O'Brien

A lot of people are upset by the total lack of diversity by the Oscar nominations — Spike Lee and Jada Pinkett Smith announced they will be boycotting this year’s Oscars. After hearing about it, Vin Diesel said, "Hey, I boycott the Oscars every year."

Today is Martin Luther King Jr. Day. It’s a very important day, it’s the day where the struggle for racial equality is remembered by all Americans and snubbed by the Oscar committee.

Khloe Kardashian has announced she’ll be hosting a new talk show where she drinks cocktails with her guests. The show will be called, "Throwing Up With The Kardashians."

While speaking at an evangelical university, Donald Trump misquoted the Bible, saying "two Corinthians" instead of "Second Corinthians." And, several times, instead of saying "God" he said "Donald Trump."

During last night’s debate, Hillary Clinton said her husband would serve as her "kitchen table" advisor. Meanwhile, Bernie Sanders said his wife would serve as his "hand rails in the bathroom" advisor.

Chipotle said they will be closing all of their stores for one day next month to discuss food safety. I think I speak for most Americans when I say, "Let’s do it this month!"

It was reported today that 62 people own half of the world’s wealth. The other half bet on the Green Bay Packers.

At last week’s Republican debate, Ted Cruz accused Donald Trump of having "New York values." Trump said that’s ridiculous, then, overcharged Cruz for a bagel.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Tonight was "Bachelor" night on ABC, quite an episode. "The Bachelor" is like a reality show version of "The Hobbit." Everyone is on a mission to get the ring.

Last night from Charleston, South Carolina was the Democratic presidential debate between Hillary Clinton, Bernie Sanders, and an unidentified man on the side — I'm told his name is Martin O'Malley.

Last night Martin O'Malley looked like the kid forced to choose between his parents at a divorce hearing.

In a sense the debate was a victory for Bernie Sanders. He made it through the whole thing without dying.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Today is Martin Luther King Day. And Donald Trump saw his shadow this morning so that means six more weeks of racism.

During last night’s Democratic debate, Bernie Sanders got the most speaking time. As well as the most speaking volume. Bernie Sanders talks like he always has a bad connection.

South Carolina Senator Lindsey Graham on Friday endorsed Jeb Bush for president. Though I imagine getting an endorsement from Lindsey Graham is about as helpful as being backed up in a bar fight by Lindsey Graham.

Executives from Chipotle have announced their restaurants will be giving away twice their usual amount of free food as part of a promotion to restore the company’s image following its ecoli outbreak. Although I’m not sure it was a good idea to call the promotion, “Free-Coli."

Tue, 01/19/16

Joke Day: #3463

From: 01/22/16

Top of Page

Top of Page       Joke: 13/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

This morning, Twitter went down for almost three hours. It wasn’t good — in fact, I heard Donald Trump actually had to FAX his insults to people.

Donald Trump continues to lead in the polls, but he recently said that if he loses the election, he'd go back to building skyscrapers. When asked where he'd build them, he said, “Right in front of the White House.”

In a new interview with Time Magazine, Democratic candidate Bernie Sanders said that he’s never worn a tuxedo in his life. When asked what he got married in, Bernie said, “1879.”

At a recent town hall meeting, Chris Christie admitted that he's got a little bit of a crush on Adele. Which explains Adele’s new song: “Hell-no.”

The Harry Potter Studio Tour just announced that it's hosting a Valentine's Day dinner in the Great Hall from Hogwarts. It's great for couples, or for single guys who claim their date is wearing an “invisibility cloak.”

Conan O'Brien

While speaking at an evangelical university, Donald Trump praised the Bible, saying "There’s nothing like it." Of course, Trump changed his mind the minute he found out the book is full of Middle Easterners.

Today, Donald Trump got the endorsement of Sarah Palin. When he heard, John McCain said, "Well, then you’re all set."

Chipotle said they will be closing all of their stores for one day next month to discuss food safety. Chipotle said if that doesn’t work they’re going to fall back to Plan B, "Salmonella Sundays."

Yesterday’s episode of "Jeopardy" ended with no one winning. Viewers at home were confused and thought they were watching a Republican debate.

Today, a top LGBT organization officially endorsed Hillary Clinton. Upon hearing this, Bill Clinton said, "You had me at L."

Some scientists say it’s theoretically possible that there may be a universe where time moves backwards. So finally, some good news for Laker fans.

The Late Late Show with James Corden

There was another Democratic debate over the weekend. The candidates discussed the big issues like healthcare and global warming. But, of course, the media focused on the most important issue: Bernie Sanders gives a mean stink-eye.

Fun fact: Bernie makes that same face when the waiter at Canter's Deli brings him the wrong soup.

The president of the United States, Barack Obama, seems to have totally checked out recently. It's like Obama has total senioritis. If you want proof of this, he's started signing every bill in Congress with: "Have a great summer. Stay cool. Barack."

Remember when Obama appeared on the NBC reality show "Running Wild" with survivalist Bear Grylls? This had to be the first time a U.S. president ever appeared on TV with a man who regularly drinks his own urine.

People were shocked that during the show, Obama actually ate fish that had been gnawed on by a bear. That's nothing. Chris Christie once ate half a ham straight out of a Dumpster.

Obama even appeared on Jerry Seinfeld's show, "Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee." How about less "comedians in cars getting coffee" and more "presidents in the White House getting legislation passed through both houses of Congress."

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Sarah Palin appeared in Iowa today to endorse Donald Trump for president. Though I think she just likes him because “Trump” sounds like a name she would give one of her kids — Bristol, Willow, Track, and Trump.

According to a recent poll, Hillary Clinton has a better chance than Bernie Sanders at beating Donald Trump. While Martin O’Malley still has a good chance of beating traffic.

Happy birthday to Dolly Parton, who turned 70 today. I’m sorry, that should be 70-24-36.

Amazon has begun revealing details about its upcoming drone delivery program, such as drones adapted specifically to the climate of the city they are in. For example, the Chicago drone will be equipped to handle cold weather, the Seattle drone will be waterproof, and the Detroit drone will be on fire.

Wed, 01/20/16

Joke Day: #3464

From: 01/25/16
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page

Top of Page       Joke: 14/25

Late Night With Seth Meyers

This weekend's snowstorm Jonas dumped almost 27 inches of snow on New York City — and it's still not the whitest thing named Jonas.

The latest CBS poll has Bernie Sanders beating Hillary Clinton by 1 percent in Iowa, though another poll has Hillary beating Bernie Sanders with a folding chair.

Hillary Clinton said yesterday that she feels great about her chances to be the Democratic nominee and Bill Clinton said, “Hillary, it's 3:30 in the morning. Go back to sleep."

Now in fairness he was just talking about the loyalty of his supporters — though it doesn't sound like he was complimenting the loyalty of his supporters.

One thing's for sure, if Donald Trump started shooting people on Fifth Avenue he wouldn't hit any Trump supporters. They're not going to Saks, they're over in Times Square at the M&M store.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

Winter storm Jonas slammed the East Coast, some places got up to 3 feet of snow, and more than 12,000 flights were canceled. So for the airlines, it was business as usual.

After a really warm December, this was kind of a relief. Climate change has not ended winter, it just packed the whole damn thing into one weekend.

All weekend I put on my top-notch winter gear: pajamas. They were plenty waterproof because I did not leave the house or take a shower. I did get up early on Sunday to do some shoveling of pancakes into my mouth.

There’s a little heart app on your phone to tell you how much you moved for the day and I have been using that lately. It tracks the number of steps you take in a day. You are supposed to get something like 10,000 in a day and I'm usually pretty close. Here's Friday: Almost 9,000 steps, not bad. Here's Saturday: 20 steps.

Thu, 01/21/16

Joke Day: #3465

From: 01/25/16
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page

Top of Page       Joke: 15/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

We got over 2 feet of snow here in New York City, and more than 11,000 flights were canceled because of the blizzard. In fact, there's so many people waiting around at the airport, they had to open a Chili's Three.

The blizzard also caused power outages all over the place. In fact, they had blackouts in New Jersey, North Carolina, and the Oscars.

That's right, the Broncos beat the Patriots to win the AFC Championship last night. Tom Brady was sacked four times. Brady was hit so hard, a kid in the stands actually caught one of his Uggs.

Shonda Rhimes is set to executive produce a show on ABC that picks up at the end of Shakespeare's "Romeo and Juliet." So I guess no one at ABC read the end of "Romeo and Juliet."

An Australian company has developed a new pair of smart yoga pants that vibrate when you hold a yoga pose correctly. One man got a pair for his wife, and he hasn't seen her since.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

A lot of people got stranded over the weekend and flights were canceled. There was more than 2 feet of snow in Washington, D.C., and New York. All nonessential federal workers in Washington, D.C., were told to stay home today. How do you know if you're nonessential? Do they call you? “Steve, I have some good news and some bad news. Good news is you have the day off today. Bad news, you're worthless.”

Did you watch the football games yesterday in the matchup for Super Bowl 50? It's the guy from the Under Armour commercials against the guy from the Papa John's commercials.

In Elkmont, Alabama, last weekend a dog got loose and ended up on a half marathon. The dog saw all the people and just started running with them. She did well. She finished seventh place. She would have finished higher if she hadn't stopped every once in a while to sniff everyone's butts.

Fri, 01/22/16

Joke Day: #3466

From: 01/26/16
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page

Top of Page       Joke: 16/25

Jimmy Kimmel Live

U.S. News & World Report today released their annual list of the Best Jobs for 2016. The two best jobs are orthodontist and dentist. I've always considered the best job to be the one where you don't have to put your hand in other people's mouths.

Four out of five dentists agreed with the list. The fifth dentist was that same jerk who disagrees with everything.

The best part of an orthodontist's job is when she asks you how your holidays were while you're gagging on half a pound of cotton.

Really the best job in America is to be born a Kardashian.

The last job on the list this year, the least desirable job for 2016? Bill Cosby's publicist.

Being president of the United States did not make the list though it seems to be a job people really, really want.

The Iowa caucuses are less than a week away. Then after that the candidates can go back to ignoring Iowa completely.

We give so much attention to who Iowa picks. Since 1980 the Iowa Caucus has predicted the Republican nominee incorrectly four times. They only got it right twice. You get better odds when you have a zoo animal predict the winner of the Super Bowl than these Iowa caucuses.

On CNN last night they had what they call a town hall meeting where the Democratic candidates try to woo the Iowa voters. The only clear winner of this debate-slash-meeting was the farmer who got $30,000 to let CNN park the satellite trucks in his corn field.

Someone asked Hillary who her favorite president was, and she said — with apologies to President Obama — “My husband, Bill. My favorite is Abraham Lincoln.” And then Bernie Sanders said, "Senator, I knew Abraham Lincoln. Abraham Lincoln was a friend of mine. And you, ma'am, are no Abraham Lincoln!"

Martin O'Malley, who for some reason is still under the impression he's running for president, got some good shots in, but this was his big moment. During the Q&A portion he said, “I can't just sit here. I have to take off my jacket and stand up!” And he rolled up his sleeves and showed off his body. It's like “Magic Martin.”

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Democrats held a presidential forum last night on CNN where candidates were interviewed individually. Candidates were asked questions like, "What would you do about the wage gap?" "Do you plan to raise taxes?" And, "How did you get in here?"

Donald Trump said this morning during an interview that Ted Cruz "looks like a jerk." And claimed that Cruz has no friends in Congress and is usually standing all by himself. So is he running for president or leader of the Plastics?

Donald Trump said that Ted Cruz is a liar who looks like a jerk. Not to be confused with Trump, who is a jerk who looks like a liar.

A matador in Spain is under investigation after a video surfaced of him bullfighting while holding his 5-month-old baby girl in his arms. But to be fair, it was Take Your Daughter to Work Day.

Jennifer Lopez started her Las Vegas residency at Planet Hollywood last week and this weekend accidentally split her pants during a performance. And the weirdest part was when she split her pants, Lenny Kravitz popped out.

Sat, 01/23/16

Joke Day: #3467

From: 01/26/16
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page

Top of Page       Joke: 17/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

We’re one week away from the Iowa caucuses and all the candidates are doing whatever they can to appeal to voters. Donald Trump even went to a church service in Iowa over the weekend. You can tell he doesn't go to church much because he was like, "I really like the part where they passed me the basket of free money."

Last night CNN hosted a Democratic forum where Hillary Clinton said that if she's elected she wants to work together with Republicans and even said she'd give them all bear hugs. By bear hugs she means like the ones you saw in "The Revenant."

A Canadian engineer designed a plane that can fly passengers from New York to London in 11 minutes using a new technology called LPM or long penetration mode. I'm not sure which airline will buy the plane, but I think we can rule out Virgin.

Conan O'Brien

California police are on the fourth day of a manhunt for three escaped convicts. The dangerous sociopaths are believed to be headed to Iowa so they can vote for Donald Trump.

Officials in California are looking for thieves who stole nearly $50,000 worth of bull semen. Sounds like someone’s getting ready to have a pretty crazy Super Bowl party.

Ben of Ben & Jerry’s has come out with an ice cream inspired by Bernie Sanders. A carton costs $3.99 but when you include tax, it’s $200 million.

Ted Cruz has been joined on the campaign trail by former candidate Gov. Rick Perry. So in other words, Ted Cruz is the No. 1 choice of the guy who was nobody’s choice.

A rare white giraffe has been spotted in Africa. The white giraffe was immediately captured and nominated for an Oscar.

Amherst College has decided to get rid of its mascot, Lord Jeff, because Jeffery Amherst famously gave smallpox-infected blankets to Native Americans. Amherst’s new mascot is Chipotle.

In Alabama, a dog completed a half marathon. After being congratulated the dog said, "What the hell are you talking about? I was chasing a car."

Sun, 01/24/16

Joke Day: #3468

From: 01/28/16
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page

Top of Page       Joke: 18/25

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Earlier tonight on Fox News was the Republican presidential debate without Donald Trump, which is kind of like Corn Flakes without the milk.

Trump refused to appear in the debate because of a dispute he's having with Fox News and one of their hosts, Megyn Kelly. He's had a problem with Megyn Kelly ever since she followed him back to his cottage in the woods and found out his real name is Trumpelstiltskin.

If this were WWE, Donald Trump would have shown up in Iowa tonight with a mask and a folding chair and started beating everyone over the head.

Trump got a major endorsement this week from the reverend Jerry Falwell Jr. It does seem strange that a Christian leader would endorse a candidate who's kind of a poster child for the seven deadly sins: Pride, greed, lust, envy, gluttony, wrath, and sloth. Which in this case -- Is living on his head.

On the Democratic side, Bernie Sanders is acting a little Donald Trump-y and said he wants more debates but not on Hillary Clinton's terms, he wants them on his own terms, specifically two hours long with a half-hour break in the middle so he can watch "Wheel of Fortune."

According to a new government report, more Americans are living to be 100 years old and older than ever. Which is scary because it means we could have 90 more years of Justin Bieber.

Mon, 01/25/16

Joke Day: #3469

From: 01/28/16
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page

Top of Page       Joke: 19/25

Conan O'Brien

Donald Trump said his war with Fox News is Christian because it’s "an eye for an eye." When told the actual quote from the New Testament is "turn the other cheek," Trump said, "Hey, no gay stuff."

Huge Republican debate tonight, and the big story is Donald Trump refuses to participate. He looked at the other candidates and said "these guys are crazy."

Mike Huckabee has released a campaign video where he parodies Adele’s song "Hello." And just like Adele, we only hear from Mike Huckabee every four years.

Nearly 70 percent of Americans said a Trump presidency would make them "anxious." And 30 percent said a Trump presidency would make them "Canadian."

Today, Leonardo DiCaprio met with Pope Francis. In terms of number of sexual partners, those two are known as "the spectrum"

A lot of people are upset because in a new movie, Michael Jackson will be played by British white actor Joseph Fiennes. They’re also not thrilled about the new James Brown biopic starring Benedict Cumberbatch.

Tue, 01/26/16

Joke Day: #3470

From: 02/01/16
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page

Top of Page       Joke: 20/25

Jimmy Kimmel Live

The Iowa caucuses are an important part of our election process. There are a few key differences between a caucus and a primary election. First one is, no one knows what a caucus is or how it works.

We tape our show before the results are in so we don't know who won either primary yet. All we do know is that Jeb Bush lost.

Jeb Bush hasn't done a good job of marketing himself. First mistake was to eliminate the word Bush, the slogan was Jeb! Exclamation point, which is not a slogan, it's his name business upbeat punctuation.

Then "Jeb can fix it" which sounds like a local roto rooter or someone's uncle's YouTube channel.

Wed, 01/27/16

Joke Day: #3471

From: 02/01/16
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page

Top of Page       Joke: 21/25

Conan O'Brien

Today is the Iowa Caucus and tomorrow is Groundhog Day. That’s the day the groundhog peeks out of the hole, sees Trump has won Iowa, and burrows to Canada.

Taco Bell has a new Super Bowl deal where people can order a mystery food item. Today, the CEO of Arby's said, "Hey, we’ve been giving out mystery food since day one."

Today is the first day of Black History Month. And when you think about it - what better way to celebrate Black History Month than with a caucus in Iowa.

Analysts say that for Bernie Sanders to win he needs college students to show up at the polls. Which explains Sanders' new campaign slogan: "I’ve Got Pizza!"

New Barbies will come in different sizes and with more realistic body types. Not only that, the new Ken dolls come with beer googles.

President Obama is planning to visit a U.S. mosque for his first time as president. When asked why, Obama said, "I wanted to go to the one place in America where I won’t see Donald Trump."

Bernie Sanders said if he beats Hillary Clinton in Iowa, it will be, "one of the biggest political upsets in the modern history of our country." It's true, nothing like it has happened since the last time Hillary Clinton ran in Iowa.

Thu, 01/28/16

Joke Day: #3472

From: 02/02/16

Top of Page

Top of Page       Joke: 22/25

Conan O'Brien

The Bernie Sanders campaign is demanding proof that Hillary Clinton beat him in yesterday’s Iowa caucus. Today Hillary said, "Sure, let me check my server."

Bernie Sanders lost the Iowa Caucus by .03%. In other words, Bernie would have won if six stoners had managed to get off the couch.

McDonald’s now has a special kind of Happy Meal that comes with a book instead of a toy. The book is called, "D is for Diabetes."

Donald Trump lost the Iowa Caucus. Trump blamed the media, bad weather, and Iowa’s three Muslims.

New Barbies will come in a variety of body sizes including "tall," "petite," and "curvy." However, due to some controversy, the company has decided not to make "Bootylicious Barbie."

After his disappointing showing among Evangelicals, Mike Huckabee dropped out of the race. Huckabee said, "On the bright side, now I can stop going to church."

A member of Marco Rubio’s inner circle said his boss benefitted from the Trump-Cruz fight because, "Marco is everyone’s second choice." That explains Rubio’s new campaign slogan, "I’m the Least Worst."

The Late Late Show with James Corden

In last night's Iowa caucus, Ted Cruz won first place and gave a 32-minute speech. To be fair, 31 of those minutes were just people shouting "Really? Him?! This guy? We're going with this guy? We're kidding! I did it as a joke!"

Ted Cruz's victory last night raises a lot of questions, like one: "Can he keep this momentum going into New Hampshire?" And two: "Just how much does it cost to move to Canada?"

People have unearthed a tweet from 2013 where Donald Trump tweeted: "Nobody remembers who came in second." Famously said by Walter Hagen. And if anyone can tell you who won't be remembered, it's Walter Hagen. Donald Trump really has egg on his face now which pairs nicely with the hash browns on the top of his head.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Punxsutawney Phil did not see his shadow this morning, which means one of two things. Either spring will come early this year or Punxsutawney Phil is a vampire.

The National Chicken Council has released something called the wing report in which they estimate that Americans will eat a record 1.3 billion chicken wings during the Super Bowl this year. I'd like to imagine a group of chickens gathered around a conference table making decisions about things.

I wonder if Turkeys are secretly happy about all the chicken wings we eat on super bowl Sunday. They're like, yeah, that's how we feel on Thanksgiving.

Last night was caucus night in Iowa and Ted Cruz was the winner on the Republican side with 28 percent of the vote. Donald Trump came in second with 24 percent, and Marco Rubio is right behind him with 23 percent. Third is pretty good considering the fact that most Iowa voters think that Marco Rubio is a game you play in the swimming pool.

Fri, 01/29/16

Joke Day: #3473

From: 02/03/16
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page

Top of Page       Joke: 23/25

The Late Late Show with James Corden

An associate of Osama bin Laden's who is currently being held prisoner in Guantanamo Bay was recently found to have a Match.com profile. I guess we know the answer to the question, "Your place or mine?"

In order to update his profile from prison, he writes letters to his lawyer. This guy writes updates about a wide variety of things, for example, about Caitlyn Jenner he wrote, "Happy for her because people are born the way they are." I can't believe I'm going to say this but I think I have a favorite member of al-Qaida. I'm not saying I like him, he's just my favorite — he's the best of a bad bunch.

Do you think his opening line with women was "Jihad me at hello?"

Jimmy Kimmel Live

After the caucus in Iowa, the candidates who had no chance to win are finally starting to realize that and drop out. Rick Santorum announced he's suspending his campaign after he finished 11th in Iowa and Rand Paul is suspending his campaign after finishing fifth. I like that they call it suspending, as if their campaigns got caught having sex under the bleachers and will be back in a couple of weeks.

Rand Paul deserves a lot of credit. He said time and time again he believes in smaller government. Now that he's out of the race the government is indeed one person smaller. That's called practicing what you preach.

Jeb Bush finished sixth behind Rand Paul who dropped out, but Jeb Bush is still running. He doesn't know what to do — if he loses he can't go home because his father and brother will laugh at him.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Ted Cruz and Hillary Clinton were named the winners of Monday’s Iowa caucuses. Cruz celebrated by giving a speech to his supporters, and Hillary celebrated by moving her stuff into the White House.

President Obama today made his first visit to a mosque while in office. He visited a mosque! Which means he’s officially entered the phase of his presidency known as “come at me, bro.”

Recently released documents show that former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer donated $50,000 to Martin O’Malley’s presidential campaign. It’s not the first time Spitzer spent that much on something that only lasted an hour.

According to a new report, Americans spent more money last year on legal marijuana than they did on Doritos and Cheetos combined. Or as pot smokers call that, “a salad.”

Sat, 01/30/16

Joke Day: #3474

From: 02/03/16
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page

Top of Page       Joke: 24/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

On Monday, Hillary Clinton narrowly won in Iowa, with the final results showing that she beat Bernie Sanders by less than 1 percent. And you thought Bernie was mad at the 1 percent BEFORE.

Hillary is facing criticism for declaring victory in Iowa prematurely. The final results weren't actually announced till around 1 p.m. on Tuesday, but she declared victory back in April of last year.

After receiving less than 1 percent support in the Iowa caucuses, Martin O'Malley suspended his presidential campaign. In a related story, the New York Jets have announced that they've decided to not play in the Super Bowl this weekend.

On the Republican side, Ted Cruz made history by becoming the first Hispanic to win the Iowa caucus. Then Cruz said, "And the first Canadian! — I mean, nothing!"

This Sunday is Super Bowl 50, between the Denver Broncos and the Carolina Panthers. Of course it'll be weird when they do the coin toss before the big game, and the winner is still somehow Hillary Clinton.

Conan O'Brien

Sarah Palin accused Ted Cruz of lying about Ben Carson and stealing the Iowa caucus. This is my favorite thing in politics, when people lie and cheat to get the evangelical Christian vote.

This morning, Donald Trump tweeted that Ted Cruz "illegally stole" the election. Trump said, "Everyone knows you’re supposed to illegally BUY the election."

Bernie Sanders says his campaign is trying to appeal now to senior citizens. The problem is, every time Bernie says, "Feel the Bern," the seniors think he’s talking about acid reflux.

This week, Mike Huckabee, Martin O’Malley, Rand Paul, and Rick Santorum have all decided to drop out of the race. Which explains Jeb Bush’s new campaign slogan, "I can’t take a hint."

A Papa John’s customer is suing the restaurant over what he calls an improper 16-cent tax. He’s also suing them for "improper use of the word 'pizza.'"

A man in Canada has built a model of the Millennium Falcon that can clear snow off his driveway. Apparently it makes a nice, clear path to his door that no woman will ever enter.

Sun, 01/31/16

Joke Day: #3475

From: 02/04/16
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page       Joke: 25/25

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Today is Facebook's birthday. Which, just like every other birthday, we only know because Facebook reminded us.

Facebook turned 12 years old today, and it’s hard to believe it's only been 12 years since I learned to hate every single person I know.

Like most 12-year-olds, Facebook spent most of the day on Snapchat.

Facebook kind of ruined birthdays. Before Facebook, when somebody said Happy Birthday, it meant something.

There was another debate between Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders in New Hampshire. They've already had so many debates they're starting to run out of things to fight about.

Tonight they sat there quietly like an old married couple at a restaurant.

Ted Cruz's wife revealed that the way he alleviates stress is by singing show tunes. Whenever he's feeling anxious or overwhelmed, like right before a debate, he calls her and sings Broadway show tunes into the telephone.

Make no mistake, he still believes that marriage is a sacred union between one guy and one doll.

Donald Trump somehow made the list of nominees for the Nobel Peace Prize. He's on the list, right next to Pope Francis, which might seem ludicrous because it IS ludicrous. But Trump is excited about it. He might be the first person ever to campaign for Nobel Prize consideration.

The Denver Broncos will play the Carolina Panthers at the Super Bowl Sunday. Between the Super Bowl and this new O.J. Simpson show, this has been a very big week for Broncos.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

During last night’s Democratic town hall Hillary Clinton told voters, “I never thought I’d be standing on a stage here asking for people to vote for me for president.” Because she thought she’d already be done being president by now.

Bernie Sanders yesterday interrupted his own speech to rush to the aid of a man who fainted in the audience. Luckily, Bernie was able to shout him back to consciousness: “ARE YOU OK? WAKE UP, THE MIDDLE CLASS IS DISAPPEARING!”

Donald Trump said in a new interview that President Obama visited a mosque yesterday because “he feels comfortable there.” Or maybe it’s just because it’s the one place Obama knew he’d never run into Donald Trump.

A tattoo shop in Vermont is currently offering a free tattoo of the outline of Bernie Sanders’ head. Or as they’re calling it, a “gramp stamp.”

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

You guys like the website Amazon.com? It's like eBay, but the things you buy don't arrive smelling like cigarettes.

Amazon's always been on the cutting edge. From drone delivery, to automated warehouses, to shipping six AA batteries in a box the size of a mini fridge.

Amazon is planning to open hundreds of actual physical bookstores. That's exciting because you don't see those much anymore and I think this could be the start of a whole trend of online retailers going real-world. For example, Tinder could open a singles bar, where everybody walks around stating their height.

If you don't like someone, you swipe them left. And if you DO like them, you swipe them just right.

Or Netflix could open a chain of movie theaters, where they're never showing exactly what you want, so you just end up half-watching "Clueless" again while playing "Bejeweled" on your phone.