Bucking donkey, symbol of the Democratic Party Lincoln Memorial, symbol of Freedom Waving flag, symbol of America

Joke of the Day

Day # Range: 3426 - 3450

Date Range: 12/02/15 - 01/07/16

Sun, 12/13/15

Joke Day: #3426

From: 12/02/15

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Let’s talk about Donald Trump, because we do it every night. He said that he may skip the next Republican debate on CNN unless the network pays him $5 million. But CNN laughed it off, saying, “We don't have $5 million.”

CNN was like, “Fine, we'll just let Jeb Bush talk for two hours — oh my God, where do we send the check?”

In an interview with Charlie Rose yesterday, Hillary Clinton admitted that she has Wall Street connections, but said that she can't be bribed with campaign donations. Then Hillary said, “And especially they can't bribe me at Hillary for America, P.O. Box 526, New York, New York, don't even think of sending money there, this weekend.”

Pringles is selling a line of scented candles in the U.K. that smell like different Pringles flavors. They said they tried selling them in the U.S., but people ate them.

American Airlines accidentally sent someone's pet corgi to Honolulu instead of Jackson, Mississippi. The owner frantically called the airport in Hawaii, but the dog was like, “Just let it ring.”

Conan O'Brien

A California man won a $1,000 lottery prize and immediately bought more tickets and won $10 million more. So another round of congratulations to Mark Zuckerberg!

Yahoo reports that among its top searches of the year are Minecraft and the Kardashian family. Both of them were searched under the phrase, "two-dimensional brightly colored tools."

Los Angeles is getting much closer to having an NFL team next year. So pretty soon, the Lakers won’t be the only team in LA scoring about 20 points a game.

A new dating site launched that is exclusively for fans of Disney. Ladies, just be careful if any guys say they want to text you a picture of Pinocchio’s nose. Political analysts say that the Republican leaders are paralyzed over what to do about Donald Trump. Upon hearing that they were paralyzed, Donald Trump immediately started making fun of them.

After years of being banned, Adolf Hitler’s "Mein Kampf" is headed back to German bookstores. The new edition has a foreword by Donald Trump.

McDonald’s is trying out a new service at some California locations where employees will serve customers at their tables. They’re calling this service "Applebee’s."

Experts in Israel are trying to re-create a wine used in the time of Jesus. Apparently, all they need is some water and Jesus.

Fox Studios said the Internet rumor is false and in his new film, Leonardo DiCaprio is not, I repeat, not raped by a bear. The rumor got started because the title of the film is "Leonardo DiCaprio Gets Raped by a Bear."

The Late Late Show with James Corden

MTV announced that the generation after millennials will be known as "The Founders,” because their job will be to restore order to the society that the millennials apparently disrupted. The term "Founder" would apply to anyone age 15 or younger. Or as MTV knows them as, "moms."

A new story came out that more and more babies are being named after Instagram filters. Move over, dead relatives, Instagram is in town.

When I heard about parents naming their kids after Instagram filters, I was like, “This is ridiculous! I have got to tell my son, Snapchat, about this. Periscope, get your brother.”

The good news about naming your daughter after an Instagram filter like Sierra, Willow, or Lux is that she won't have to change her name if she becomes a stripper.

McDonald's is thinking of introducing table service at their restaurants. If you're sitting down at McDonald's for dinner, you really do need another human being to come over to you and say, “Hey, how are you doing tonight?” Even though we all know the answer is, “Yeah, not great.”

Jimmy Kimmel Live

We're into December and Donald Trump is still running for president, which I don't even think even he expected would happen. According to a new Quinnipiac University poll, Trump is in first place among Republicans with 27 percent of the vote; Marco Rubio is in second place at 17 percent; Ben Carson is fast asleep somewhere, dreaming of sugarplums.

Donald Trump was in Macon, Georgia, this week. Again, he suggested that CNN should pay to get him to come to the next debate. He's treating the Republican primary like it's an entertainment show and he is the star — which, let's be honest, he is kind of exactly. It's like "Celebrity Apprentice,” but with even worse celebrities.

What Donald Trump should do is start firing his opponents one by one every week. Ted Cruz, you're fired.

Of course CNN's not just going to give Donald Trump $5 million. They're not his dad, they're a news network. You know that if Donald Trump wins we are going to have a Kardashian as president one day, right? It's the only logical step forward.

Kylie Jenner, who I think is the youngest non-baby member of the Kardashians, is having a very profitable holiday season. Kylie launched her lip kit and it sold out in seconds. Originally selling for $29, now posted on eBay between $80 and $1,150. The only person who could afford Kylie Jenner's lip kit is Kylie Jenner.

If you want lips like Kylie you don't have to go on eBay. Take that $29 you were going to spend, give it to a stranger, ask him to punch you in the mouth.

Mon, 12/14/15

Joke Day: #3427

From: 12/03/15

Top of Page

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Things haven't been going too great for Jeb Bush, but he's not giving up. His campaign has spent the most money on TV ads, $30 million. I don't want to say Jeb's run too many ads, but his new Secret Service code name is “Geico.”

Hillary Clinton recently started following a bunch of new people and organizations on Instagram, including the home improvement channel, HGTV. When asked why, Hillary was like, "Oh, I'm getting a new house soon."

Hillary went on an Instagram binge and followed a bunch of celebrities like Beyonce, Katy Perry and Lady Gaga. When asked if Bill Clinton follows any women on Instagram, he was like, "All of them."

There's a new dating site that's specifically for people who love Disney movies called "Mouse Mingle." Guys who join the site say they love it, while cops say their job has never been easier.

The world's most popular type of banana is now facing extinction due to a fungus in Panama. Yep. We're facing a banana shortage, so I guess that means people are really just happy to see you.

Conan O'Brien

IHOP has removed soda from their kids' menus. A spokesperson for IHOP said, "Children's health is our first priority," and then he laughed for four hours.

Today is the 23rd anniversary of the first text message. Or, as my friend texted me, "Today is the 23rd anvil-ersary of the fist Texas massage."

In New York, Federal authorities have seized 274 pairs of shoes made from endangered species. The shoes were made from rhino horn, crocodile skin, and Jeb Bush supporters.

It’s come out that last year, a man was able to get past the Secret Service and speak with President Obama by pretending to be a congressman. The Secret Service realized he wasn’t a congressman because he was willing to be seen with President Obama.

For its 25th anniversary, the music festival Lollapalooza is adding a fourth day. That extra day will be devoted to showering.

A company is currently working with scientists to develop a marijuana breathalyzer. The way it works is it measures the level of Funyons on your breath.

Security experts say the new interactive Barbie doll could be vulnerable to hackers. Even worse, they say Barbie’s Dream House can be easily converted into Barbie’s Meth Lab.

Ford has a new software update that will enable Siri in some of their vehicles. So soon you can be in your Ford telling Siri to take you to a Honda dealership.

Tue, 12/15/15

Joke Day: #3428

From: 12/04/15

Top of Page

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Christmas is right around the corner which means any day now, Donald Trump should be tweeting out an insult to Santa. “He's fat and old and he uses illegal laborers.”

After CNN said they would not pay Donald Trump the $5 million he wanted to appear at the next debate, Trump said he would appear for free. And then he went back to saying what an amazing negotiator he is. “I'll do it for $5 million - No? Zero? Okay. Free is my final offer.”

There was a big ceremony at the Capital yesterday to unveil a marble statue of Dick Cheney. People said, "Wow, he looks so life-like." And then Cheney said, "Actually, the statue's over there."

Target's website crashed this week due to the flood of customers shopping on Cyber Monday. While Radio Shack's website crashed when one person googled Radio Shack.

Russia is planning to build a base on the moon where astronauts will live permanently. When asked if they really wanted to spend the rest of their lives in a barren, lifeless landscape, the Russians said, "No, that's why we want to go to the moon."

Wed, 12/16/15

Joke Day: #3429

From: 12/07/15
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page

Late Night With Seth Meyers

President Obama gave a rare national address last night from the Oval Office. Then today, Hillary Clinton said it was her favorite episode of "House Hunters."

A new poll has found that half of the country thinks Donald Trump's statements on the campaign trail are insulting and offensive, while the other half of the country thinks his statements are “insultante y ofensiva.”

Hanukkah began last night and will continue until next Monday. And I for one think it's unfair that Jewish people get eight days of Hanukkah and we only get to celebrate Christmas from the day after Thanksgiving until the New Year.

According to the Pantone Color Institute, rose quartz and serenity are the two colors of the year for 2016. Incidentally, Rose Quartz and Serenity were also the strippers of the year for 2015.

Some parenting experts are suggesting that the holiday tradition of the elf on the shelf may actually be harmful to children. So instead just take them to the mall and let them sit on a weird old dude's lap.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

Today is the second night of Hanukkah and on behalf of everyone who is not Jewish, I just want to say to our Jewish friends: We have no idea when Hanukkah is.

I don't mean to be ignorant, but you’ve got to admit you just keep moving it every year. All we're asking for is like an Evite or a save-the-date card. We know it's a bunch of days, and around now. Just take one day for it to start every year. I promise, we won't check your math.

This year the Kennedy Center honored Carole King. Now the night culminated in a tribute to Carole King with the great Aretha Franklin singing "You Make Me Feel Like a Natural Woman." Aretha's so powerful that at the end of that song, I felt like a natural woman. I think I might have ovulated.

President Obama is on his feet, 90-year-old Cicely Tyson was going, “Yay!” And I'm sitting backstage thinking, “Boy, I would hate to have to follow that.” Then realized as the host of the show, I had to follow that.

Thu, 12/17/15

Joke Day: #3430

From: 12/07/15
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page

Conan O'Brien

Donald Trump said today that all Muslims, even U.S. citizens and those serving in the armed forces, should be barred from entering the United States. Trump’s statement was so outrageous and so offensive, his poll numbers went up 20 points.

In Florida, a naked man was arrested for driving 110 mph while drunk. He was charged with Florida’s most serious crime, "not being on meth."

It was reported today that more than 50 members of Congress still haven’t paid back their student loans. John McCain said he just needs a little more time.

Ted Cruz has jumped ahead of Donald Trump in the latest Iowa poll. The poll was called "Who’s crazier?"

It has come out that a top Russian official recently met with Pamela Anderson. The Russian official said it was an honor to meet someone who’s posed for more topless photos than Vladimir Putin.

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West had their baby over the weekend but they waited until today to reveal the name. When asked why they waited so long, Kim and Kanye said, "We’re very private people."

In the United Kingdom, a sperm donor has fathered 54 children. Today, he was offered a contract by the NBA.

A new dating website allows users to post their STD results straight from the clinic. The site is called "Ew-Harmony.com."

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Today Donald Trump called for a total and complete shutdown of Muslims entering the United States. I'm starting to think Donald Trump is sick of running for president. He's trying to say crazy things to get himself thrown out. But the crazier the things he says, the more people seem to like him. It's like the movie "The Producers." This campaign is his “Springtime for Hitler.”

Congratulations to Kim Kardashian and her husband Kanye West. On Saturday, Kim gave birth to her second child, a boy. The baby weighed 8 pounds, 1 ounce, and 23 million Instagram followers.

Kim was carrying in a breech position — the baby was upside down, it’s supposed to be the other way. Doctors were able to insert a tiny cellphone at the base of the amniotic sac and the baby turned upside down to grab it and take a selfie.

Kim revealed the baby's name today. They named their kid Saint West. Even Apple Paltrow and Blue Ivy Carter are like, “Oh, come on!”

Fri, 12/18/15

Joke Day: #3431

From: 12/08/15

Top of Page

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Bernie Sanders just unveiled a new climate change plan, and he promised to cut back on fossil fuels. Bernie really wants to cut down on fossil fuels — especially because they're made from his high school friends.

Donald Trump got a lot of people upset when he released a statement yesterday that called for a ban on Muslims entering the United States, and even Dick Cheney said he’d gone too far. You know it's bad when Dick Cheney steps in to say, "Come on, have a heart, any heart."

The New York Times analyzed the 95,000 words that Trump used in speeches last week and found patterns that aren't common in most presidents' speeches. Apparently Abraham Lincoln never insulted Rosie O'Donnell.

The White House pastry chef made a 500-pound dark chocolate gingerbread White House. Obama was like, "Uh, but you made a REGULAR gingerbread house for all the OTHER presidents...”

Conan O'Brien

"Star Wars" fans started lining up for "The Force Awakens" 12 days early. If you see people in LA sitting on the sidewalk in robes muttering about space ships, they might be "Star Wars" fans.

Donald Trump said he would not put Muslims in internment camps. He said they would all stay at his luxurious new "Trump Hotel and Internment Resort."

A new report claims ISIS has been using American weapons in their fight against the United States. The weapons include tanks, rifles, and Donald Trump.

Dick Cheney said Donald Trump’s comments yesterday go against everything America stands for. Cheney said, "In other words, he’s got my full support."

Pope Francis is launching a campaign he calls the "Revolution of Tenderness." It’s the first papal decree in history to be named after a Marvin Gaye album.

Last week was the 23rd anniversary of the first text message. Coincidentally, it was also the 23rd anniversary of the first rear-end collision.

Donald Trump said he could call Bill Gates and ask him to close down the Internet. Then Bill Gates said he could call Donald Trump and explain how the Internet actually works.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Yesterday ABC released the bios of the 28 women who will be competing for “The Bachelor's” love. Twenty-eight women in three different poses. Pose No. 1, hands below the waist. Pose No. 2, one hand on the hip. And the third pose, two hands on the hips. Same way they made Barbie dolls. They only have four points of articulation.

Don't let those sorority photos fool you. These women wish each other misery and death.

The most popular reality TV show in America right now is Donald Trump's campaign for president. Trump, yesterday, proposed a "total and complete shutdown" of Muslims coming into the United States. Even former Vice President Dick Cheney said the ban goes against everything we believe in. And this is a guy who shot one of his friends.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Donald Trump said that the United States should block all Muslims from entering the country. He said that in fact, the only reason we should ever allow ANYONE to come here from ANY country is to marry him.

President Obama reportedly met Hillary Clinton yesterday for a secret lunch at the White House. And then when lunch ended, Hillary said, “OK, thanks for coming over.”

The Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show aired tonight on CBS. Normally, you’d have to watch the Food Network to see that many oily ribs.

Former California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger said yesterday that he will become a “part-time vegetarian” to cut down his carbon footprint. If you’re wondering what a part-time vegetarian is, it’s someone who eats meat.

Apple has unveiled new case for the iPhone 6 and iPhone 6s that costs $100 and can provide the phone with as much as 25 hours of additional battery life. Which raises the total amount of battery life to 25 and a half hours.

Sat, 12/19/15

Joke Day: #3432

From: 12/09/15
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Time Magazine today revealed their person of the year, German Chancellor Angela Merkel. She is the first woman to be named person of the year on her own since Corazon Aquino. I know that because that issue of the magazine is still in my dentist's office.

Not only is Angela Merkel the first woman to be honored as individual person of the year in 20 years, but she's also the first person whose last name rhymes with “circle” to get that award.

Of course Donald Trump weighed in on this. He tweeted today, “I told you Time Magazine would never pick me as person of the year. Despite being the big favorite, they picked the person who's ruining Germany.” Even in defeat he's gracious.

Trump this week angered a lot of people by proposing a total and complete shutdown of Muslims entering the United States. But he's sticking by it. He defended himself last night in an interview with Barbara Walters. Barbara Walters is technically retired but she comes back whenever there's a natural disaster.

Trump told Barbara he's the worst thing that ever happened to ISIS. And I have to agree. People seem to forget this is the man who once fired Meat Loaf on television, a force to be reckoned with.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Some political pundits are predicting that if Hillary Clinton wins the Democratic primary in New Hampshire, it will serve as a “death blow” to the Bernie Sanders’ campaign. But Bernie’s hoping he still might have a shot in Old Hampshire.

A Scottish university today stripped Donald Trump of his honorary degree following his call to end all Muslim immigration to America. The degree of course was a B.S.

A California man miraculously escaped unharmed when he went through two compaction cycles in a garbage truck after sleeping in a trash can. When asked how he’s doing, he said, “Not that great. I sleep in a trash can.”

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

Everyone is talking about Donald Trump and the press release that he put out “calling for a total and complete shutdown of Muslims entering the United States until our country's representatives can figure out what is going on." How is that going to work? I'm not sure how the TSA would be able to test for your religion. Though I will say their pat-downs are thorough enough to determine if you're Jewish.

Perhaps we can just casually ask people trying to enter the country, "Hey, I'm trying to calibrate my compass. Do you know which direction Mecca is?"

Even though Hillary Clinton is the presumptive Democratic nominee, these days she's harder to find than her emails.

The latest CNN/ORC Glade Plug-In Poll has her ahead of rival Bernie Sanders, 58 percent to 30 percent, with former Maryland Gov. Martin O'Malley registering just 2 percent — exactly the same as the milk that is more exciting than him.

That 2 percent is up from 1.8 percent in November. That's a .2 percent surge that some are calling "Martin O'Mentum."

Sun, 12/20/15

Joke Day: #3433

From: 12/09/15
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Donald Trump skipped an RNC event here in New York City today called the Presidential Trust Dinner, even though his campaign said he would go. Then Chris Christie said, “So, does that mean there's an extra plate at the dinner?”

Jeb Bush has fallen to just 3 percent in a new poll, and his numbers continue to drop. Jeb says this isn't the time to panic — because the time to panic was, like, five months ago.

Last night was the annual Victoria's Secret Fashion Show on CBS, and it featured models from Brazil, Sweden, and Portugal. Or as Donald Trump put it, “I've changed my mind on immigrants.”

ABC is producing a made-for-TV musical remake of “Dirty Dancing,” and get this — it's going to be three hours long. By the end, even Baby's like, “You know what? Go ahead and put me in the corner! I've already had the time of my life. I'm exhausted.”

Yahoo CEO Marissa Mayer has a severance package that would pay her $160 million if she gets fired. Which will mark the first time somebody actually TRIES to get drunk at their office holiday party.

Conan O'Brien

Donald Trump told People Magazine that he’s good at sports. Which could be true, because it does seem like he’s had a lot of concussions.

Time Magazine picked their Person of the Year and they chose German Chancellor Angela Merkel over Donald Trump. Trump tweeted that they picked "the person who was ruining Germany." Then Trump said, "Germany hasn’t had a great leader since the 1940s."

Marco Rubio said in a new interview that his favorite show is "The Walking Dead." When asked why, Rubio said, "I’m a senator from Florida — those are my constituents."

According to a new report, the United States has the most powerful cyber weapons on Earth. Those cyber weapons are Kim and Kanye’s Instagram accounts.

United Airlines announced they are bringing back free snacks for the first time since 2008. Unfortunately, the snacks are also from 2008.

The Late Late Show with James Corden

Time Magazine has officially declared their person of the year for 2015 and that person is German Chancellor Angela Merkel. This is big news, because Time Magazine hasn't picked a German leader since — well, let's just say it's been a while.

This morning Donald Trump tweeted, "I told you Time Magazine would never pick me as person of the year despite being the big favorite. They picked the person who is ruining Germany." First of all, I don't think you want to go on record saying "I liked the old Germany better!"

I love that Trump goes, "I told you Time Magazine would never pick me." You don't get to brag about not winning, just because you predicted it. That would be like if last Sunday Tom Brady was like, "See, I told you we'd lose to the Eagles! Did I call it or did I call it? Everyone said we'd win, but I was like, no way man. Nuh-uh."

During an interview with Barbara Walters, Trump claimed he's "the worst thing to ever happen to ISIS." Personally I feel he could have ended that sentence before the words "to ISIS."

Even J.K. Rowling, the author of the "Harry Potter" books, got in on the action, saying that Donald Trump is worse than Voldemort.

If Trump is basically Voldemort, I guess Hillary Clinton would be Hermione, Chris Christie would be Hagrid, and Rick Santorum would be Colin Creevey. And of course Bernie Sanders is like Dumbledore — not because they look alike, just because they both graduated college together back in the year 1784.

Mon, 12/21/15

Joke Day: #3434

From: 12/10/15

Top of Page

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

I saw that after his recent comments about Muslims, Donald Trump was fired as a global ambassador for Scotland. Which is ironic, ’cuz if there were ever a human version of bagpipes, it's Donald Trump.

A Middle Eastern retail chain called Lifestyle announced that it's pulling Donald Trump's home decor products from its shelves. But I guess they'll still be available at that other store, “Hate and Barrel.” Or that OTHER store, “Walllllll-Mart.”

Hillary Clinton told People Magazine that her granddaughter called her “grandma” for the first time on the same night as the first Democratic debate. Then Hillary gazed into her granddaughter's eyes and said, "This is my night, not yours. Pick your moments."

In his interview with People Magazine, Bernie Sanders said that his grandchildren sometimes call him “Grandpa Bern.” Which sounds less like a term of endearment and more like a medical condition. "You've got 'Grandpa Burn.' That's why it hurts when you [go].”

Conan O'Brien

The Navy is facing a lot of criticism today for naming their newest combat ship after Andrew Jackson. So to completely avoid controversy, they’re going to rename the ship after Michael Jackson.

Donald Trump has canceled a planned trip to Israel. When asked why, Trump said, "They already have a wall and a fear of Muslims. My work there is done."

Researchers at Cornell have successfully bred the first puppies in a test tube. Which is great, because we all know how much dogs hate doin' it.

During a photo shoot for Time Magazine, a bald eagle tried to attack Donald Trump. The only thing that saved Trump’s life was the angry hawk living in his hair.

In an interview, Larry King said when he dies he wants to be cryogenically frozen. Larry said, "I was frozen once during the Ice Age — I loved it. It was the best nap I ever had."

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Nominees for the 73rd annual Golden Globes were announced this morning. Which can only mean one thing: It's Diet Coke commercial season.

Matt Damon was nominated for best actor for "The Martian," also nominated for best musical or comedy. Some people are complaining that "The Martian" isn't a musical or a comedy. I disagree. It's definitely not a musical, but the idea of Matt Damon being left for dead on another planet, to me, that's funny.

The first-ever puppies to be conceived in a test tube have been born. It makes me happy personally because when I was a kid, our family dog and her husband tried unsuccessfully for years to get pregnant. And eventually they adopted a hamster.

If they can make a puppy in a test tube, imagine how many of them Paris Hilton will be able to fit in her purse.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

The New York Times and CBS released a poll this morning that shows Donald Trump in his strongest position of primary season. While Jeb Bush remains in the SAME position – fetal.

Kim Jong Un will be sending his personal all-girl band to China next week in an effort to improve the relationship between the two countries. They’ll be playing all their hits, like “Never Let Me Go,” “Can I Stay Here Awhile,” and their newest single, “Seriously Though, I’m Begging You Please Don’t Make Me Go Back There.”

An artist in China recently demonstrated Beijing’s smog problem by sucking up air in a vacuum for 100 days and then compressing the collected dust into a solid brick. Which, by the way, is also how they make Clif bars.

The University of Vermont has announced that they will now offer a course on the science of marijuana. The earliest it’s offered is 2 p.m.

Tue, 12/22/15

Joke Day: #3435

From: 12/11/15

Top of Page

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Some good news for the White House. They just announced that Obamacare added a million new customers in its third open-enrollment season. They say more people are signing up for healthcare due to the looming deadline, low costs, and the sales of hoverboards.

In a new interview with People magazine, President Obama said that his favorite book of the year was a novel called “Fates and Furies.” While Hillary Clinton said HER favorite book of the year was “Whatever yours was."

White House press secretary Josh Earnest said that Trump's statement about banning Muslim immigrants “disqualifies” him from being president. When he heard that, Jeb Bush was like, “You can get disqualified? What do I need to do?!"

Scientists said they just found dinosaur blood on an 80-million-year-old fossil. They now believe dinosaurs may have been wiped out by...murder.

The Late Late Show with James Corden

We are kicking out "The 12 days of Christmas." It's too long! It's nonsense. I don't have all day.

What am I supposed to do with 11 pipers piping, let alone 12 drummers drumming? I'm not Florence and the machine.

Between the seven swans a swimming, six geese a-laying, four calling birds, three French hens, two turtledoves and the partridge in the pear tree, you are giving me 23 different birds. Now I have to take care of 23 birds? I'm not a farmer.

I could have used the ladies dancing and the maids a-milking, but now I'm married, and honestly they're more trouble than they're worth.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

Pepperidge Farms is saying their cookies are victims of identity theft. They sued the supermarket chain Trader Joe's for selling a type of cookie they claim looks too much like their popular Milano's. They've got so many kinds. You got the originals, mint Milano's, dark chocolate Milano's, the raspberry Milano's, cool ranch, blazin' buffalo Milano's, Alyssa Milano's...

I don't get how Trader Joes could be ripping off the Milano because the Milano is basically two cookies with chocolate in the middle. I'm pretty sure that's just a sandwich. By that logic, Pepperidge Farm should be suing subway — who, at this point, I'm sure has a pretty good legal team.

Wed, 12/23/15

Joke Day: #3436

From: 12/14/15
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Unless you've been living under a rock you know "Star Wars" comes out everywhere on Friday, although they've been running a big ad campaign under rocks so even those people who live under them know about it.

They're predicting the film could gross more than $2 billion. The United States just promised $800 million as part of the Paris agreement to fight climate change, which means we're spending more than twice as much to see "Star Wars" as we are to save the actual world.

They're saying it could be the biggest and worst-smelling Hollywood premiere of all time. Imagine 300 "Star Wars" fans who haven't bathed in days crammed into a windowless theater. This is why Darth Vader breathes through a filter.

Between Black Friday and "Star Wars" we could set the record for most Americans to sleep on the sidewalk over a three-week period ever this year.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

The international climate talks in Paris wrapped up this weekend with 195 countries reaching a landmark agreement to cut greenhouse gas emissions. And then they all drove to the airport in 195 cars.

According to a new national poll, Donald Trump has support from 41 percent of Republican voters. This story was first reported when it was yelled by Donald Trump.

New York Governor Andrew Cuomo said today that Donald Trump is fanning the flames of hate. Which is what Donald Trump calls blow-drying his hair.

Adele will perform at Madison Square Garden six times in 2016 as part of her new world tour. As if the people in that building don't cry enough already.

Thu, 12/24/15

Joke Day: #3437

From: 12/14/15
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Tomorrow is the fifth Republican presidential debate. And if you've been keeping score, so far the winner of most of the Republican debates has been ... Hillary Clinton.

Over on the Democratic side, Hillary Clinton has been responding to Donald Trump's comments about banning Muslims with a message of love, and said she wants to “weed out hate” and “plant love and kindness” instead. Then Bill went in for a kiss and Hillary was like, “Not now. Later. I'm talking to the people.”

The Paris climate agreement calls for countries to try and keep the temperature of the planet from rising more than 2 degrees. Or in other words, they have the same attitude about the Earth's temperature that your dad has about the thermostat: “Who turned this up?”

The big movie right now the new “Star Wars” movie. In fact, even the astronauts on the International Space Station are going to watch new “Star Wars” movie from space. NASA said it's the best way to remind the astronauts that what they're doing in space really isn't that cool. “Do you fire a laser gun?” “No ... I just kinda watch plants grow.”

Conan O'Brien

Here in Los Angeles, a couple is planning to get married while waiting in line for the new “Star Wars” movie. The couple's family is unable to attend because they're too busy being embarrassed.

Donald Trump's doctor wrote a letter saying that if elected, “Mr. Trump will be the healthiest individual ever elected to the presidency." Then, when asked about Trump’s mental health, the doctor got very quiet.

A golf course owned by Donald Trump is no longer being considered to host a major golf tournament due to remarks that Trump has made about Mexicans and Muslims. You know there’s a problem when your views on race are too extreme for a private golf club.

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West say they will have no more children. When asked why, they said, "All the really terrible names are taken."

The Late Late Show with James Corden

A mall in Toronto has been promoting a hot "Fashion Santa." Now we know who Mariah Carey wrote "All I Want for Christmas Is You" about. Is this going too far? I mean, sitting on Santa's lap was already sexually confusing.

Isn't Santa supposed to be for kids and not parents? "Mom, can I go sit on Santa's lap?" "After Mommy, darling.”

A new study has found that being good-looking can hurt a man's career because the people in charge of hiring see attractive men as a threat. So if you're a man who was recently hired for a new job, congratulations. You're hideous.

Kim revealed the baby's name today. They named their kid Saint West. Even Apple Paltrow and Blue Ivy Carter are like, “Oh, come on!”

Fri, 12/25/15

Joke Day: #3438

From: 12/15/15
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page

Late Night With Seth Meyers

"Star Wars" fans reportedly started camping out in line for last night's "Star Wars" premiere over a week in advance. Said the fans, "This counts as sleeping with someone, right?"

The fifth Republican presidential debate was held earlier tonight. Now, obviously, we taped the show before it aired, but I think I can do a recap anyway — Trump offended minorities, Cruz dissed Obama, and John Kasich ate his podium out of frustration.

Tonight's Republican debate was held at the Venetian in Las Vegas, which means that for just one night, Celine Dion won't be the loudest thing in Las Vegas.

After protesters interrupted a Donald Trump rally last night, some attendees were heard yelling the Nazi salute "Sieg heil." Which is alarming, but it doesn't mean that Donald Trump is the same as Hitler. It just means that if you looked up Hitler on Amazon, Trump might show up in the "You may also like" section.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

Jeb is America's fourth favorite Bush — after George, the other George, and of course, the baked beans.

Bush has sent an email to his supporters promising that as an early Christmas present, if you give him $25, you won't receive any more email requests for cash the rest of the year. It's a political strategy borrowed from the mob.

"Hey, this is a real nice inbox you got here. I would hate to see something happen to it, if you know what I'm saying. Gimme $25, and that problem goes away. I'm Jeby the Knuckles, and I approved this message."

Sat, 12/26/15

Joke Day: #3439

From: 12/15/15
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

They're saying that this could be one of the warmest Christmases in 30 years. Last Christmas, people left out milk and cookies for Santa. This Christmas, people leave out a cool rag and a stick of Mitchum deodorant.

Last Christmas, Santa made a list of who's naughty or nice. This Christmas, Santa made a list of who has central air and who doesn't.

Last Christmas, you went to an ugly sweater party. This Christmas, you're going to an ugly, sweaty party.

A new poll found that Hillary Clinton is now increasing her lead over Bernie Sanders. Experts say Bernie would need something major to regain people's attention. Then Bernie was like, "All right, leak the sex tape."

Ahead of tonight's Republican debate over on CNN, Donald Trump's doctor released his medical records. He said that Trump has never used alcohol or tobacco in his life. Which explains how Trump got so good at ruining a party.

Conan O'Brien

A new study claims the stress of being president takes three years off your life. So suddenly everyone is thinking of voting for Trump.

The fifth Republican debate took place tonight in Las Vegas. The Vegas debate included nine candidates, and, due to a little mix-up, Celine Dion and a white tiger.

Kim and Kanye’s 2-year-old daughter North has released her first tweet. It was just three letters, "SOS."

Critics are saying the new "Star Wars" film has strongly-written female characters. The most surprising of these is the new breakout character, "She-Bacca."

Last night at a casino in Las Vegas, Donald Trump declared, "I expect to win Iowa." Which is odd because, usually when Trump is around a casino, the only thing he declares is bankruptcy.

For Christmas, first lady Michelle Obama said both her daughters asked for money. Or, as Fox News reported it, "Obama Gives More Handouts to the Unemployed."

Jimmy Kimmel Live

All the schools in Los Angeles were closed today because someone sent the school system a threatening email. They got a similar note in New York and decided it was a hoax — the schools stayed open. Here in L.A. we have so many implants we don't know the difference between real and fake anymore.

The debate starring Donald Trump and friends took place at the Venetian hotel in Las Vegas, moderated by Celine Dion.

Chris Christie got moved up from what they call the kids' table to the main debate. Apparently he ate everything on the kids' table so they had to move him.

Trump leads Ted Cruz by 27 points in the new Monmouth poll. I don't know if I trust these polls. Basically Donald Trump is leading among people who still answer their landline at their house.

Sun, 12/27/15

Joke Day: #3440

From: 12/16/15
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page

Jimmy Kimmel Live

The fifth Republican debate was the third most-watched primary debate ever — 18 million viewers tuned in. More people watched the debate than the season finale of "The Voice." Maybe Carly Fiorina is the new Gwen Stefani.

Ted Cruz said he would carpet bomb ISIS until the sand glowed. When it was pointed out ISIS was centered in a city with a major population, he said carpet bombs should only target ISIS, which means Ted Cruz has invented a carpet bomb that only kills the bad guys, which is remarkable. I don't know why we didn't think of that before.

Ted Cruz has been moving up in the polls but still is only the fourth most popular cruise behind Tom, Penelope, and Carnival.

Dr. Ben Carson began with a moment of silence, then continued the debate with many, many more moments of silence. Although he may have been taking a power nap.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Donald Trump said last night that despite calling Ted Cruz a “maniac,” he has since learned that Cruz has a “wonderful temperament.” And if Donald Trump thinks you have a “wonderful temperament,” you’re probably a maniac.

According to a new poll, Newark Liberty is the country’s least favorite airport. But only because LaGuardia is technically classified as a prison.

A London architect has come up with a concept for a floating hotel that is self-sustaining and could potentially move around the world. Great job, architect. You just invented the cruise ship.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

A new study shows that elected leaders don't live as long as their defeated opponents. So if there's a candidate you really don't like, vote for them.

Last night was yet another Republican debate. CNN's GOP-alooza went down in Las Vegas at the most American possible venue, the Venetian hotel and casino. The debate took place on the stage where "Phantom of the Opera" played for over six years. Which explains Wolf Blitzer's outfit.

Holding the debate in Las Vegas makes total sense. The stakes are high. There's a lot of money riding on long shots. Most people are betting it all on red, or really orange.

CNN did everything they could to keep us tuned in for as much of the evening as possible by keeping the start time as vague as possible. They even had a countdown clock for four days ticking down to the big event, but when it hit zero, it just changed to, "Moments away."

Mon, 12/28/15

Joke Day: #3441

From: 12/16/15
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Last night was the fifth Republican debate, and at one point Donald Trump was interrupted by a heckler yelling at him from offstage. Then the moderators said, "You'll have more than enough time to speak at your next debate, Hillary."

With Christmas around the corner it seems like everyone is going to parties. I heard that this week Beyoncé went to a Christmas party here in New York dressed as a Christmas tree. Or as the Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree put it, “Great — now I look fat.”

Scientists are saying that an asteroid over a mile wide is going to pass by Earth on Christmas Eve, but they say it PROBABLY won't hit the Earth. Then the scientists were like, “Anyway, happy holidays, everyone!”

Conan O'Brien

A new poll came out and it found that, of all the Republican candidates, people think Donald Trump would make the best Santa Claus. In response, Chris Christie said, "Oh COME ON, what do I gotta do?"

Last night, the GOP debate took place in Las Vegas. CNN said the Republicans chose that location because "nothing says fiscal responsibility and wise choices like Las Vegas."

Target has stopped selling hoverboards after reports that they catch fire. Meanwhile at Costco, they’re selling them as the "George Foreman Grill on Wheels."

At a Donald Trump rally the other night, a supporter shouted out the Nazi salute "Sieg Heil!" Trump immediately responded, "There is no place for that here — save it for my inauguration."

In Florida, a 98-year-old man shot a hole-in-one. The 98-year-old was shocked, mostly because he had no idea he was playing golf.

The Late Late Show with James Corden

There's a new Internet start-up called Swanluv that will give you $10,000 to help pay for your wedding. However, if you get divorced, you must pay the money back, plus interest. What better way to start your life together than with the threat of financial ruin hanging over your head.

Some people think these guys prey on tragedy, but the company also offers marriage counseling. So let me get this straight: The company that makes money from that couple breaking up will be offering up advice to save that couple's marriage. Why do I get the feeling every counseling session will just be: “I think she is cheating on you, man.”

I think this company is underestimating a couple's ability to stay in a terrible relationship. I once didn't break up with a woman for two years because she owned a washer/dryer combo.

A man in Houston, Texas, is in some hot water after shutting down traffic on one of the busiest freeways in the United States so he could propose to his girlfriend. If you think that's inconvenient, their wedding will take place on the day before Thanksgiving in the security checkpoint line at the airport.

The proposal was actually very sweet. The man was like, "Michelle, from the moment I met you I knew that we would — Dodge Caravan!” People on that freeway knew there was a proposal coming because their GPS was like, "In a quarter of a mile, prepare to throw up in your mouth a little."

Tue, 12/29/15

Joke Day: #3442

From: 12/17/15

Top of Page

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Tonight was the opening of “Star Wars: The Force Awakens.” And in an interview at this week’s premiere, one of its stars, Oscar Isaac said he would leave Earth forever if he could take a family member. Or as most people call that, “Defeating the purpose of leaving Earth.”

A new national poll found that Hillary Clinton is now more than 30 points ahead of Bernie Sanders among Democratic voters. I don't want to say Hillary is overconfident, but at her last rally, she just stood behind the podium and drank champagne. “I got this.”

Happy Birthday to Pope Francis, who turned 79 years old today. People asked if he wished for world peace when he blew out his candles, and the Pope said, “Nope - a hoverboard!” Very hard to get.

Here’s some good news for parents. A new survey just came out that says teens in the U.S. are now less likely to drink, smoke or use drugs. Though it's important to consider the study's margin of error: the fact that no teen is going to tell you they're drinking, smoking or doing drugs.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

We're so close to Christmas. You remember Christmas? That thing people used to get excited about before "Star wars" came back?

There will be a full moon on Christmas this year. The last time that happened was in 1977, which is also the year the first "Star Wars" movie came out.

Christmas is that magical time of the year when we're forced to spend money we don't want to spend to travel to places we don't want to go to see the people we really don't want to see.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Martin Shkreli, the pharmaceutical CEO who once tried to raise the price of an HIV medication by 5,000 percent, has been arrested on securities fraud charges. It’s also the first time the FBI has used someone’s face as evidence.

Warren Buffett yesterday joined Hillary Clinton at a rally and tried to drum up support for a tax increase on people making over $1 million a year. Chris Christie also showed up and reportedly said “ohhhh, Buffett…"

Congress this weekend ended the federal government’s ban on medical marijuana. Good news for people with glaucoma as well as people with “glaucoma.”

Wed, 12/30/15

Joke Day: #3443

From: 12/18/15

Top of Page

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

We are just one week away from Christmas. Which means today is that special day when husbands tell their wives, "I give up. Just tell me what you want."

Tomorrow is the third Democratic presidential debate. Experts say Hillary Clinton needs to hold on to her lead. Bernie Sanders needs to try to catch up. And martin O'Malley will be there.

The Department of Health announced it's extending the enrollment period for Obamacare to January 1st. What better time to sign up for Obamacare than the day we all lie to ourselves about being healthier.

Facebook launched its year in review feature, which brings up some of your top Facebook photos from the past year. It should be a huge improvement over its original name, parade of regrets.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

We are only a week away from Christmas. This is the time when we really begin to cherish our family and friends by rushing out to C.V.S. To buy gift cards, and finding the only ones left are for subway and dick's sporting goods.

Merry Christmas, Nana! Enjoy your $5 footlong as you browse through warm-up pants.

I've done none of my Christmas shopping. I hope my family likes "Star Wars" ticket stubs and empty Junior Mints boxes.

According to the Wall Street Journal, people in China aren't that familiar with the "Star Wars" movies. Though they might be familiar with some of the toys. Spoiler alert. The elves don't make them!

Thu, 12/31/15

Joke Day: #3444

From: 01/04/16
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Donald Trump said yesterday that if he’s elected, he would “probably not talk as much.” That’s right, if Donald Trump is elected, even HE will be speechless.

Republican hopeful Carly Fiorina said on Sunday that Ted Cruz will say “whatever he needs to say” to win the election. And it’s true. Just this morning, Ted Cruz said “Hi, I’m Hillary Clinton.”

China this weekend formally replaced its one-child policy with a new law allowing two children per family. That way, families will have one child to play with, while the other one’s at work.

After being arrested for crashing his car into a shopping mall, a Florida man explained to police that he was trying to time-travel. Which is crazy. If you want to travel 50 years into the future, just leave Florida.

Scientists at the University of Washington are conducting a study to determine if marijuana smokers are more or less likely to drink alcohol. Here, I’ll save them some time: They’re less likely to do anything.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

So, it's officially 2016, which means two things: A new year is upon us, and I'm finally going to buy a 2015 calendar. They're dirt cheap!

This year I'm going to lose 10 pounds — or buy a scale that is off by 10 pounds. I'm also going to travel more. It expands your horizons and makes it harder for the IRS to find you.

I'm resolving to spend less time looking at my iPhone. That's time I could be spending with my iPad.

I resolve to not eat dinner in front of the television. This year, I'll eat dinner only in front of live theater.

I always feel a little disconnected from the news after the holidays. But while we were sleeping, with visions of sugar-Trumps dancing in our heads, candidate Jeb Bush snuck down our chimneys and left a present by finally releasing his famously secret guacamole recipe. Turns out, the secret ingredient is avocados.

Fri, 01/01/16

Joke Day: #3445

From: 01/04/16
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

According to a new poll, Donald Trump was the candidate Americans would least want to have as their neighbor. It makes sense, because he'd build a MASSIVE WALL between your yards and make YOU pay for it.

On “Face the Nation” yesterday, Donald Trump accused Ted Cruz of copying his immigration reform plan, specifically his idea of building a giant wall. Then China said, “Uh, hello?”

A new poll found that women in America are angrier about current events than men. And if you want to make them even angrier, just tell them they seem angry.

A man in London just took Uber's one-billionth ride, and to celebrate, Uber gave him a year's worth of free rides. The man says he's excited to spend the entire year drunk.

China just installed new public bathrooms in Beijing that actually offer Wi-Fi. Yeah, a Wi-Fi-enabled bathroom. Or as we call that here in America, “Starbucks.”

Conan O'Brien

Donald Trump’s television ad mistakenly shows footage from Morocco instead of Mexico. Trump insists it’s not a mistake, and he’s going to build a fence along the U.S.-Moroccan border and make Morocco pay for it.

Donald Trump released his first TV ad. The ad will air on the big four networks during prime-time, cable channels during the day, and on Univision when Hell freezes over.

Donald Trump called Bill Clinton a woman abuser and Hillary Clinton an enabler. Then he called the Clinton marriage "the best one I’ve ever seen."

A militia group that is protesting the U.S. government has taken over a wildlife refuge in Oregon. Of course you can understand why they’re angry, it’s really not easy being a white man in Oregon.

A study found that moderate consumption of red wine leads to higher test scores. So apparently, I spent New Year’s Eve "cramming for a final."

A new study came out that reveals some dangerous side effects from childbirth. The dangerous side effects women suffer include pelvic injuries, muscle tears, and children.

Thanks to Congress, meat producers no longer have to tell consumers where their meat comes from. Upon hearing this, Arby's said, "Waaay ahead of you, man."

The Late Late Show with James Corden

A new poll conducted by the University of Scranton found that only 8 percent of people actually keep their New Year's resolutions. Eight percent seems a bit high, doesn't it? Like basically 7 percent of people started the new year by lying.

I mean everyone's resolution is going to fail, isn't it? Even the start of the new year is commemorated with somebody dropping the ball.

My New Year's resolution for 2016 was to join a gym. My New Year's resolution next year is to go to that gym.

Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg announced his resolution saying "my personal challenge for 2016 is to build a simple AI to run my home and help me with my work." Mark Zuckerberg's resolution is to build an artificial intelligence system that controls his entire home. Meanwhile, I'm determined to give up sweets. We're basically the same person.

I imagine Jeb Bush's resolution was probably to spend more time with his supporter. Hillary Clinton's resolution is currently being focus-grouped. Donald Trump doesn't have any resolutions because resolutions are for losers and he's a winner.

Bernie Sanders’ resolution is to catch that damn squirrel that keeps eating the food out of the birdfeeder. And he's not a politician but Steve Harvey's resolution was to travel more. He said he has always wanted to visit Colombia, I mean the Philippines.

Sat, 01/02/16

Joke Day: #3446

From: 01/05/16
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page

Late Night With Seth Meyers

President Obama this afternoon said that guns should come with new safety devices because “if a kid can’t open aspirin they shouldn’t be able to pull a trigger.” And the gun lobby plans to cooperate by making aspirin bottles easier to open.

After being confronted yesterday by a homosexual protester on whether being gay is a choice, Dr. Ben Carson said, “That’s a long conversation.” Of course, for him, “Hello, I’m Ben Carson” is a long conversation.

A new company is offering customers a chance to cut their hotel bills in half if they are willing to share their room with a stranger. The company is called Jose Cuervo.

Researchers have recently found that binge-watching TV shows can raise the risk of chronic disease and early death. Said binge-watchers, “Hey, no spoilers!”

Video has surfaced of employees of a Southern California Pizza Hut smoking marijuana on the job during New Year’s Eve. Which explains why every pizza they delivered that night only had two slices left.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

Someone has stolen Abraham Lincoln's hands. A museum in Kankakee, Illinois, has reported that their plaster mold of the Great Emancipator's hands was taken in December. Do you know what this means? They've got his fingerprints. Somewhere out there there's a thief that can unlock Lincoln's iPhone. It could have some racy pics of Mary Todd on there.

Back in November at Gettysburg, someone stole a bust of Lincoln — that's head and shoulders. Now they just need the knees and toes!

Clearly, some madman is assembling a Franken-Lincoln. I'm warning and calling on my viewers to be vigilant. If you have any other Lincoln parts — the Lincoln torso, Lincoln legs, or let's say even the Lincoln log — just hold on to it tight.

Sun, 01/03/16

Joke Day: #3447

From: 01/05/16
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

In a recent interview, Hillary Clinton said that she would investigate UFOs, and said that aliens may have already visited Earth. When he heard that, Trump said, “Forget the wall. We need a dome! Just build a huge dome. A huge classy beautiful dome! We'll make the aliens pay for the dome.”

In an NPR interview last week, Jeb Bush revealed the ingredients for his guacamole recipe, but wouldn't give away the specifics of how to prepare it. So now I guess we HAVE to elect Jeb Bush.

Some people are upset about a billboard in Utah that advertises a dating site called “Where-White-People-Meet-dot-com.” Even more controversial — it's now Utah's state motto.

China's new law allowing couples to have two children instead of just one went into effect in the new year. So if you thought you felt an earthquake, don't worry — it was just a billion people being told they were allowed to have unprotected sex at the exact same moment.

Conan O'Brien

It came late, but El Niño finally arrived here in Los Angeles. In case you didn’t know, El Niño is Spanish for "Little Boy." So apparently the reason El Niño was so late is because it wanted to make sure Jared Fogle was in prison.

The parents of a 6-year-old Canadian boy are angry because he’s been put on the no-fly list. TSA agents said, “We’re trying to prevent the next Bieber.”

A militia group that is protesting the U.S. government has taken over a wildlife refuge in Oregon. Of course you can understand why they’re angry, it’s really not easy being a white man in Oregon.

The Late Late Show with James Corden

A woman rented out her home on Airbnb, the online service where people can rent out their homes as a hotel alternative, to what she thought was an older man but ended up being a teenager who threw a rager for his 18th birthday. Who would have thought renting out your home on the biggest party night of the year to a total stranger would have ended badly?

Airbnb's slogan should be "Airbnb: You sure about this?"

When the couple returned to their home, they found cigarette butts, broken beer bottles, and even marijuana. It's pretty serious if they file charges against the 18-year-old who did this. He could face up to a full year of "being the most popular badass in school."

Apparently, there is a new trend of college students using Airbnb to rent out their dorm rooms. One college student in New York City is renting out his dorm room for $80 a night. It used to be that a sock on the door meant your roommate was getting some action. Now it just means the Hendersons are visiting from Iowa.

Mon, 01/04/16

Joke Day: #3448

From: 01/06/16
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page

Late Night With Seth Meyers

North Korea announced last night that they successfully tested a miniaturized hydrogen bomb. The announcement was made by a miniaturized dictator.

To him it looked like a great big regular-sized bomb.

The former campaign manager for Dr. Ben Carson said today that it is becoming harder to see how Donald Trump will not win the Republican nomination — while Ben Carson said it's becoming harder to see, period.

Bernie Sanders promised yesterday that if elected president, he would cap ATM fees at $2. Then he vowed to get banks to "Stop calling it a PIN number!”

"American Idol" begins its 15th and final season tonight, and no one is more excited than its 15th and final viewer.

Women in Oregon can now obtain birth control over the counter without a prescription, and so can men.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

I'm a little worried about Bernie Sanders. He is currently trailing Hillary Clinton by 17 points. Americans have stopped “feeling the Bern” and are now feeling more of a mild chafing sensation.

He may have hit upon a campaign issue that all Americans can get behind. In my view, it is unacceptable that Americans are paying $4 or $5 in fees every time they go to the ATM. Yes! Lower ATM fees. And that's just the beginning. It's part of a foolproof strategy to speak out against all the things that annoy him.

Very few people remember this, but Sen. Rand Paul is also an eye doctor, so I'll ask him if he's going to make America better? Or worse? Better? One? Or two? And he can ask Donald Trump “how many fingers am I holding up, Donald?”

New York City has begun converting old phone booths into free Wi-Fi stations, which means drunk new Yorkers will soon have the opportunity to [urinate] on a Wi-Fi station.

Tue, 01/05/16

Joke Day: #3449

From: 01/06/16
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

At a rally in New Hampshire, Bernie Sanders mocked Donald Trump for thinking that climate change is a hoax created by the Chinese. So, at this point, most people are starting to feel like Trump is a hoax created by the Chinese.

North Korea announced yesterday that it has successfully carried out its first hydrogen bomb test. Either that, or they just got their first Chipotle.

Members of the British Parliament are going to meet later this month to debate whether or not to ban Donald Trump from entering the UK. One member of Parliament said, "Look, we have enough guys with ridiculous-looking things on their heads making sure nobody gets over a fence.”

Mark Zuckerberg posted on Facebook that one of his New Year's resolutions is to run 365 miles in 2016. Just had a baby and he's getting into running — so if there's ever a time to un-friend Zuckerberg on Facebook, it's now.

Gem experts in Sri Lanka said they've discovered the biggest blue star sapphire ever found. It's worth over $100 million. Unfortunately, last night, some old lady threw it off the back of a boat.

Conan O'Brien

Twitter is testing a feature that will allow you to write a post that contains up to 10,000 characters. They’re calling this exciting new feature "Facebook."

Donald Trump's wife, Melania, said she was initially attracted to Donald because of his energy. By the way, "energy" is the Slovenian word for "money."

The government of Iraq has offered to mediate between Saudi Arabia and Iran. You know the Middle East is in trouble when your greatest hope for peace is "meeting up in Iraq."

Since January 1st, Texas is allowing gun owners to carry their guns openly in most public places. However, you still have to conceal your science book.

A new study came out that found the more porn a man watches, the less motivation he has. I was going to read more about the study, but for some reason I just completely lost interest.

Former New Mexico Governor Gary Johnson announced he is running for president as a Libertarian and he supports legalizing marijuana. You can tell he’s pro-marijuana, because he was supposed to announce he’s running four months ago.

The FDA is planning to prohibit anyone under the age of 18 from using e-cigarettes. The head of the FDA said, "It’s not for health reasons, they just make you look so douchey."

Jimmy Kimmel Live

It's now been raining in L.A. for two days in a row. Of course this is the work of El Niño, my favorite storm system that sounds like an early '80s Latino boy band.

Meteorologists say the storm is tied now for the strongest El Niño storm ever. They say if it gets any stronger it could turn into a Dwayne Johnson movie.

The 15th and final season of "American idol" is under way. "American idol" might be the biggest show in the history of television. At its peak more than 30 million people watched it every week. And things will be different without it. Now, if you want to see mentally ill people sing you'll have to go to the bus station.

North Korea's claiming that they successfully detonated their first hydrogen bomb. They haven't perfected color television yet, but they do have a hydrogen bomb.

After they made the announcement, the people of North Korea were like, “This is great, now can we have food and shoes?”

The Dear Leader of North Korea, Kim Jong-un, celebrated this alleged scientific achievement with a fresh new haircut.

Wed, 01/06/16

Joke Day: #3450

From: 01/07/16
(**Part 1**)

Jimmy Kimmel Live

The Powerball jackpot is at $700 million, which is roughly one "Star Wars" movie.

It's the biggest lottery jackpot in history. Never before has the total been this big. Nobody won last night. So they're going to do it again on Saturday. It was originally reported that Miss Colombia had won the jackpot.

Our current president, the one named Obama, is gearing up for what will be his final state of the union address on Tuesday night. His aides have been describing the speech that he plans to give as nontraditional. Which probably means he's going to do that “watch me whip, watch me nae nae" dance.

Experts say El Niño might not help us much with the drought. Most of the storms are hitting southern California instead of northern California, where most of our reservoirs are — it's kind of like if you were dying of thirst and someone washed your feet.

General Motors is teaming up with Lyft, the car ride service that's like Uber, to build a fleet of self-driving cars. It's a $500 million deal, and the idea is these cars would someday be used to take passengers wherever they want to go without a driver. Which to me sounds like a great way to get accidentally taken to another city because you typed in the wrong movie theater and then your phone dies and you can't change it.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Vice President Joe Biden in a new interview said that he wakes up every day regretting that he didn't enter the 2016 race. And every day Hillary Clinton holds the rag over his nose and he goes back to sleep.

Jeb Bush in a new interview this week spontaneously announced that he loves his mother more than his father. And then he ended up the interview by running up to his room and slamming the door.

The federal government today unveiled its new list of nutritional guidelines, which recommends that people eat more fruit, vegetables, and whole wheat, or at the very least cut back on foods that have the word "triple" in their names.

Netflix announced this week that subscribers have viewed nearly 12 billion hours of content during the last three months. The only thing they still haven't viewed is the sun.

Pizza Hut has come out with a new apparel line called Hut Swag, which features sunglasses and hats covered in photos of pepperoni pizza. Incidentally, "hut swag" is also the sound you make after eating their pizza.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

We've reached an important milestone in the 2016 presidential campaign — it is 2016.

Donald Trump is questioning whether his opponent Ted Cruz is actually a U.S. citizen because, in 1970, Cruz was born to a Canadian-Cuban father and an American mother and I'm going to guess a crock of Dippity-do.

Cruz has mocked the ridiculousness of Trump's allegations by posting a video on Twitter of Fonzie from "Happy Days" jumping the shark. Which I say proves Cruz is an American, because if he were a Canadian he would have released a video of Celine Dion jumping a Tim Hortons.