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Joke of the Day

Day # Range: 3401 - 3425

Date Range: 10/30/15 - 12/01/15

Wed, 11/18/15

Joke #3401

From: 10/30/15

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

The Department of Energy says it's developing a facility that can turn pumpkins into useful energy. It's called "Starbucks."

I saw that the New York Times published an op-ed about Chris Christie's campaign titled, "Chris Christie, Time to Go Home." Incidentally, that's the same thing that the people at Golden Corral say when they're closing.

This Sunday is the end of Daylight Savings Time, when we all get an extra hour of sleep! Which means Ben Carson will be getting 25 hours of sleep.

I read about a 73-year-old man who turned in his collection of half a million pennies he's found on the street throughout his life, amounting to over five-thousand dollars. When asked what he'll do with the money, Bernie Sanders said, "Finance my campaign!"

The new Apple TV has a feature where if you ask Siri "What did that character say," the TV will rewind to 15 seconds earlier. They're calling the feature, "Watching TV with my Mom. 'What did he say? Who is that? Why are they kissing? What else is she in? Nah that wasn't it. Who is that woman?'"

Thu, 11/19/15

Joke #3402

From: 11/02/15

Top of Page

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

I hope everyone had a good Halloween. It seemed like there were lots of good costumes this year. I saw that The Rock went as Popeye; Heidi Klum went as Jessica Rabbit; and this year's Mets went as LAST year's Mets.

Congrats to the Kansas City Royals, who beat the Mets to win their first World Series in 30 years. Since the Royals won, they'll get to meet President Obama. And since the Mets blew an early lead and lost, they'll get to meet Jeb Bush.

I saw that Jay-Z and Beyoncé dressed as the characters from the Eddie Murphy movie "Coming to America." In fact their "Coming to America" costumes were so good, Donald Trump had them both deported.

It's being reported that the Jets had their locker room swept for listening devices before their recent game against the New England Patriots. The Jets became suspicious when they noticed an unmarked van parked in the shower.

On last week's episode of "Inside the NBA," Shaquille O'Neal claimed that someone recently offered him $50 million to go to the moon. Then Shaq reached up and went, "You mean this little ball of cheese?"

The Late Late Show with James Corden

Saturday was National Try-Too-Hard-on-Instagram Day, or as you guys call it, Halloween.

In England, Halloween is very much a holiday for children. Here, it's been completely hijacked by adults who've gotten totally carried away.

Here's a general rule of thumb: If you spent more time on your costume than your kid's costume, you're the most frightening part of Halloween.

I went to one house where a guy had his throat slashed with blood shooting out of his neck. I looked at my 4-year-old who was now in tears and I said, "Let's just go to 7-Eleven. They have full-sized candy bars there." A 7-Eleven is less scary than a house in Santa Monica.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Daylight saving is one of those things we do for no reason. Like signing up for a gym membership, it makes no sense.

At the New York City marathon, the winner of the men's race was a truck driver from Fort Worth named Jeff Stubble. Just kidding. It was a Kenyan.

For the third straight year, a pair of Kenyans swept the gold medals at the marathon. They traveled more than 7,000 miles to win what is essentially a decorative plate. Probably could have got one on Etsy for half the cost.

Kenyans might be the best at marathons but Americans are the best at "Real Housewives" marathons.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Bernie Sanders this weekend took his three grandchildren trick-or-treating in New Hampshire. Or as Fox News reported it, "Bernie Sanders Supports Handouts for the Unemployed."

A Canadian pharmacy had to apologize this weekend after accidentally handing out bipolar medication on Halloween instead of candy. The victims say they're sad that it happened, but happy that it happened.

An Ashley Madison user is suing the adultery website for falsely advertising a higher number of female users than it truly had. And if you can't trust a website that helps you secretly cheat on your spouse, who can you trust?

A drunk woman in Nebraska had to be hospitalized this weekend after she broke into a zoo because she wanted to pet a tiger and wound up being bitten by the animal. When asked how she's doing, the woman said, "Not GR-R-REAT!"

Fri, 11/20/15

Joke #3403

From: 11/03/15

Top of Page

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

We're in the middle of a November heat wave, with temperatures in the 70s! Even people worried about climate change were like, "This is pretty nice actually."

We have Bill O'Reilly here tonight. He's the author of the new book "Killing Reagan," as well as "Killing Lincoln," "Killing Kennedy," and "Killing Jesus." So Bill's gonna sit in that chair, and I'm gonna sit waaayyy over there.

A new national poll found that Ben Carson is now ahead of Donald Trump by six points in the Republican race. Finally proving that you can LITERALLY sleep your way to the top.

After being courted by several candidates, conservative billionaire Paul Singer has decided to endorse Marco Rubio. Now instead of having a button that says, "Donate," Rubio's website just says, "We Good."

A new survey found that three out of four children under the age of four have their own smartphone. You can tell it's bad; last night I told my daughter it was time for bed and she tried to swipe left on me.

Conan O'Brien

Ashley Madison claimed that there were over 5.5 million women looking to have an affair on their site, but recently it was revealed that only 12,000 women were real and the rest were computer-controlled robots. A former user named David Poyet is suing them for misleading him. That's right, a guy on Ashley Madison feels cheated.

If you sign up for a website to cheat on your spouse and it's not as good as you would have thought, maybe just leave it at that, just walk away. It's like buying a bag of weed and then running to tell the cops when you find out it's just oregano.

This is no longer one guy suing, though, it's a class action lawsuit now, which is ironically exactly what Ashley Madison promised: some real class action.

Amazon has filed a lawsuit against a company that would create fake five-star product reviews in exchange for money. You can't just create fake approval for a mediocre product. Amazon says that they have a strong case. But honestly, I don't know if they'll win because their lawyer only has 2.5 stars.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

As of today, we are officially one year away from the 2016 presidential election. If that seems like a long time to wait, just remember some people (Hillary) have been waiting their whole lives.

"Crippled America" outlines Donald Trump's plan to make America great again. Though the book doesn't say specifically WHEN he's leaving.

Police say a Texas man stabbed his roommate this weekend during a fight over a piece of fried chicken. So even if you don't eat the fried chicken, it will still find a way to kill you.

A new study has found that listing calorie content on menus has almost no effect on encouraging customers to choose healthier foods. The study was conducted by looking around.

A new report by the CDC shows almost 60 percent of sexually active teens use condoms. The other 40 percent are still trying to get the wrapper open.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

Whenever I get on the Internet, it just turns into a time-sucking sinkhole . . .

. . . This morning, I went online just to see if it's going to rain tomorrow. So I Google weather, and one of the results is regional precipitation patterns. So I clicked on the link, and I'm reading about how the rainiest place in the U.S. is the Na Pali coast of Hawaii, where I learned on the Na Pali Wikipedia page the strawberry guava is an invasive species . . .

. . . Then, according to an external link, it is not a citrus plant but does have high levels of vitamin C - less than an orange but more than a grapefruit, which, WebMD informs me, can be bad for people with kidney transplants because they counteract their immunosuppressive medication . . .

. . . The point is, does anybody know if it's going to rain tomorrow?

Sat, 11/21/15

Joke #3404

From: 11/04/15

Top of Page

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

USA Today's GOP "Power Rankings" had some big shake-ups this week, with Marco Rubio in the lead and Chris Christie in the top five. Yep, Rubio is number one, while Christie is numbers two through five.

In one of his books, Ben Carson actually admitted to falling asleep several times while driving his car. He started taking Ubers to be safe, but his drivers kept falling asleep while listening to him talk.

Twitter just changed its star-shaped "favorite" button to a heart-shaped "like" button, and said it's because the heart is a more universal symbol of liking something. You know, like how people want to see movies that get four hearts, or stay in five-heart hotels.

Google announced that it will bring its super-fast internet connection, Google Fiber to cities in Florida. Which makes sense, cuz the first thing people in Florida will do when they get online is Google fiber. "Look at all these Metamucil pics!"

The Late Late Show with James Corden

Yesterday were the midterm elections, otherwise known as the elections that you guys didn't vote in.

In Ohio, people voted on a referendum which would have had to legalize marijuana in that state, but it did not pass. That's right, it remains illegal to get high in Ohio, which means there is still no legal way to enjoy a Cleveland Browns game.

People are saying the initiative did not pass because it would have allowed giant corporations to control the marijuana industry. Which is a huge bummer, because I was really excited to buy pot from a place called Starblunts.

At least Ohio got legalization on the ballot. In Arkansas, a proposal to legalize marijuana was rejected because - and I'm not making this up - it had too many spelling and grammar errors. Arkansas: Way to live up to the stereotype!

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Yesterday was Election Day here in the United States. In Ohio they voted no on legalizing marijuana for recreational and medical use and 65 percent of the voters said no. How could Ohio vote against marijuana? They have "High" right in the middle of their name.

It is one of the great ironies of life the only way to make marijuana legal is for stoners to leave the house to vote. That obviously didn't happen.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Ohio voters yesterday rejected a proposal that would have legalized both recreational and medical marijuana. Pot advocates were so devastated that there was hardly a dry mouth in the house.

A company has come out with a new waffle maker that cooks batter in the shape of the Death Star from Star Wars. And if you want one, make sure to yell it loud enough for your mom to hear you upstairs.

A woman in California posted a picture that went viral this weekend showing her engagement ring which her fiancée made using a tooth instead of a diamond. Even worse, that is his three month's salary.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

Starting tomorrow, "Thursday night football" will be seen only on NFL network and they're kicking off with a heck of a matchup: The Cleveland Browns versus the undefeated Cincinnati Bengals. It's the battle of Ohio, so Governor John Kasich is going to have to bet a signature regional food item against himself.

I've opened the book, mainly so I don't have to look at the cover anymore, and it's full of things we've already heard from Trump in his speeches, with little extras, like punctuation.

Jeb! Just released a brand new e-book entitled "Reply all." It's a great way to show you're done making mistakes by naming a book after something people do by accident.

Jeb Bush clearly needs some help because it feels like his campaign is sleepwalking. Which, admittedly, is a strategy that's working for Ben Carson.

Sun, 11/22/15

Joke #3405

From: 11/05/15

Top of Page

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

I saw that this week marks one year until the 2016 election. Or as Hillary calls that, "Five years until my re-election."

As I'm sure you've heard, Donald Trump is in the building getting ready to host "Saturday Night Live." There's actually a lot of anti-Trump protesters outside the building - or as Trump put it, "Those people have been lining up for days to see me."

In an interview yesterday, Trump and CNN anchor Chris Cuomo got in a heated argument after Trump repeatedly insulted reporter Sara Murray. CNN was like, "Guys, keep it down! You'll wake the viewers!"

Singer Ray J will host a new dating show on WE tv called "Driven to Love," where he drives people around in the back of his SUV to look for potential dates on the street. Of course, they almost went with that other name: "Prostitution."

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Hillary Clinton is here with us tonight and we'll be touching on all the big topics: the economy, climate change, ISIS, whether Khloe should take Lamar back, everything.

The Secret Service swept our building today - which is good, it was filthy.

A new Quinnipiac University poll came out yesterday that shows Donald Trump back on top of Ben Carson, 24 to 23 percent, and Jeb Bush is now down to only 4 percent. More people picked Bit-O-Honey as their favorite Halloween candy than support Jeb Bush for president.

Donald Trump put out his first paid campaign ads today. He bought them himself. You know, he doesn't take money from super PACs. He earns it the old-fashioned way, by selling cologne at Rite Aid.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Dr. Ben Carson's campaign today released a new 60-second radio ad that uses rap music to try to appeal to black voters. So there you have it: Get out and vote for Ben Carson on November 3rd, 1992.

Dr. Ben Carson said this week he would like to have a beer with Jesus. When reached for comment, Jesus said, "Oh, I have work tomorrow."

A new report found that Hillary Clinton's campaign most often eats pizza for meals. While Chris Christie's campaign most often eats pizza for snacks.

Former President George H.W. Bush has a new biography coming out titled "Destiny and Power." While Jeb Bush has a new biography titled neither of those.

In response to a question asking why his cabinet is half female, newly elected Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau reportedly said, "Because it's 2015." So basically, the same reason there's a prime minister named Justin.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

I've been trying to say "I love you" more often, starting this morning. I said it to my family before I left the house. And then to my barista. And then to her manager, when the barista complained that one of the customers was making her uncomfortable.

I heard about this new feature Google is rolling out for Gmail called Smart Reply. It analyzes your incoming emails and gives you suggestions on how you can reply automatically. Google usually only scans your emails to target you with ads for Viagra - just because I sent one email about buying a motorcycle.

After scanning billions of our emails, Google found that one of the most common email replies is "I love you." Right behind "Please unsubscribe me from LinkedIn."

I just want to say to Google, "I love you." Because this news restores my faith in humanity that I lost from all those other things that I've Googled.

Mon, 11/23/15

Joke #3406

From: 11/06/15

Top of Page

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

The Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree arrived today! That's right, people who work here in the building are already starting to say their traditional holiday greeting: "MOVE!" We all hate that tree, secretly.

A new report from CNN suggests that Ben Carson made up the stories of his violent temper from his youth, including one where he said he almost stabbed a kid. That's how weird this presidential election is: A candidate is now in trouble because he DIDN'T stab someone as a kid.

Meanwhile, Ben Carson's campaign launched a 60-second ad that features a rap about Ben Carson, aimed at young black voters. So you know what that means - it'll do great with young white voters.

Donald Trump is actually starting to run some radio ads where he accuses politicians of being "all talk and no action." Which is ironic - since radio ads are LITERALLY all talk and no action. That's what radio is.

Tue, 11/24/15

Joke #3407

From: 11/09/15
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page

Jimmy Kimmel Live

An interesting new business just opened in Colorado. It's called Gas & Grass. This is a marijuana dispensary and gas station all in one. Just in case you want to buy marijuana and then forget to buy gas, the deal is you buy pot inside the dispensary, then you get 15 cents off every gallon outside.

I bet they'll sell more Slim Jims than any gas station in the world.

Every year since 1997, Starbucks releases a special red holiday cup. Usually they have snowflakes or reindeer or some kind of holiday decoration. But this year they are plain red cups. People are getting upset that Starbucks isn't celebrating Jesus' birthday. What makes people think Jesus wants to be on a Starbucks cup? There's no iced FrappuJesus; he does not want to be part of this.

To me the outrage is they start putting out holiday cups in October. Can we please get through pumpkin latte season first?

Ben Carson claims when he was a kid he tried to stab another kid but the kid's belt buckle got in the way and saved him. Some people don't believe this happened. So now he's found himself in the very unusual position of having to say, "Yes, I did too try to stab somebody!"

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Dr. Ben Carson is drawing intense criticism after reports have surfaced that he may have embellished his history of violence as a teen, his scholarship to West Point, and other parts of his life story. Not only that, but it turns out the twins he separated were fraternal.

RNC Chairman Reince Priebus said today that the media is unfairly fixating on Dr. Ben Carson. And Ben Carson said that Reince Priebus is a condition that can result in blindness if left untreated.

Bernie Sanders this weekend argued against the major political fundraising families, saying, "That is not called democracy, that is called oligarchy." Bernie, you gotta dumb it down a little. Most Americans think "oligarchy" is that place that serves unlimited breadsticks.

The Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree arrived on Friday. They're calling the tree "Jeb" because it's a dying bush.

A Colorado marijuana dispensary this week is opening the country's first combination pot store and gas station. On the downside, you'll have no idea what you're getting when you order the Premium Diesel.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

As of yesterday the 2016 presidential election is just one year away, which means it's only 11 months until voters start paying attention.

Everyone on the GOP side is about to get plenty of face time at tomorrow's fourth Republican debate. All eyes are on Marco Rubio. He looked presidential at the last debate thanks to his brilliant strategy of standing next to Jeb Bush.

Wed, 11/25/15

Joke #3408

From: 11/09/15
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

I had the cutest thing happen last night. I was putting my daughter to bed, and she asked me to read her a fairy tale. I said, "Mother Goose?" She said, "No, Ben Carson."

In a recent interview, Jeb Bush said that his 91-year-old dad doesn't give him much advice and instead, just drinks martinis and gets massages all day. When asked how many martinis he drinks, the massage therapist said, "As many as possible before I massage a 91-year-old man."

Jeb Bush also said that he's learning to toot his own horn a little better, which is good because pretty soon he's going to be the one driving his campaign bus.

There were no injuries this weekend after a giant sinkhole opened up in an IHOP parking lot in Mississippi and swallowed up more than a dozen cars. And that hole still ate less than most of the people in the IHOP.

Conan O'Brien

In Mississippi this weekend, a sinkhole swallowed 12 cars in an IHOP parking lot. It's being called "the smallest thing ever swallowed at a Mississippi IHOP."

SeaWorld is phasing out its killer whale show. Or as Fox News reported it, "More killers set free under Obama."

Ben Carson apparently has a painting of himself with Jesus. When he heard this, Larry King said, "Big deal, I have a selfie with Jesus."

Some Evangelical Christians claim that because this year's Starbucks holiday cup doesn't have any Christmas symbols, Starbucks hates Jesus. In response, a spokesman for Starbucks said, "We like anyone who can turn water into something we can charge $7 a cup for."

The Late Late Show with James Corden

After nearly seven years in office, President Obama has finally scored one of his biggest political achievements. That's right, today Barack Obama joined Facebook.

The president actually signed up this morning, which means by noon, Sasha and Malia had already started ignoring friend requests from him.

Even Bernie Sanders is on Facebook, except he can't log in without a modem and one of those "Free AOL" CDs.

Obama and Facebook actually have a lot in common. They both captured America's hearts and minds eight years ago, and they both seem to bring out a lot of racism in people.

Thu, 11/26/15

Joke #3409

From: 11/10/15

Top of Page

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

The fourth Republican presidential debate was tonight! And if you've watched all four ... you do know about Netflix, right?

Ben Carson recently went on Facebook to offer proof that the events he talked about in his life really happened. Which is ironic, because people usually go on Facebook to DELETE proof that events in their life happened.

Yesterday, Donald Trump said that he's thinking about boycotting Starbucks because "Merry Christmas" isn't printed on its red holiday cups. Trump was like, "Everything should have one of two things written on it: 'Merry Christmas' or my name."

I don't know if this is such a good idea, but Pizza Hut just unveiled its new "Triple Threat Box," which is a box with three drawers that holds pizza, breadsticks, and a big chocolate chip cookie. Or as Chris Christie calls that, "A wallet."

A county in Colorado just voted to put taxes from selling marijuana toward supporting college scholarships. And you can tell it's a weed scholarship, because it actually pays for 11 years of college.

Conan O'Brien

Donald Trump said Ben Carson is wrong about the Egyptian pyramids being used to store grain, because the pyramids are solid. And that, ladies and gentlemen, perfectly sums up the Republican presidential race.

Donald Trump said if he becomes president, Americans will be "saying Merry Christmas again." Which may be true, but if he becomes president, we'll be saying it from our new homes in Canada.

President Obama now has a personal Facebook page where he says he wants to have real conversations about issues. In other words, he's new to Facebook.

Because Donald Trump hosted "Saturday Night Live," NBC is now obligated to give the other presidential candidates free air time. As a result, each candidate will appear as a tattoo on that girl from "Blindspot."

In Texas, Uber has launched a horse-and-buggy version of its service. It's the first Uber app that says, "Your driver will arrive in three to four days."

The Late Late Show with James Corden

Yesterday when asked if he could go back in time and kill baby Hitler, Jeb Bush responded, "Hell yeah, I would!" I'm OK with him saying he'd kill baby Hitler. I'm not OK with him saying "Hell yeah" he'd kill baby Hitler. It's a complex hypothetical question, not a waitress asking you if you want another plate of chicken wings, Jeb.

While we're taping this, the fourth Republican debate has not happened yet, but I'm kind of hoping they ask the other candidates what they would do if they had a time machine. I think Ben Carson would travel back to his childhood so that he can really stab that guy.

Carly Fiorina would go back to that one week when she had great poll numbers. Just kidding - Carly Fiorina would go back to when she laid off 30,000 HP employees just to cackle and taste the blood again.

Donald Trump actually claimed to already have a time machine. It is true. He said, "It's huge and beautiful and I made Mexico pay for it."

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Tonight was the fourth Republican presidential debate featuring Donald Trump, Ben Carson, other people. Their names escape me.

The debate was televised on the Fox Business Channel. Between now and November of next year, every cable network gets a debate. Next week is the E! News debate moderated by Ryan Seacrest and Caitlyn Jenner.

I'm starting to get bored by these debates. No one asked me but I would like to see them have a drunk debate. Everyone gets loaded and we find out what they really think about things.

Only the candidates polling above 2.5 percent got to be in the main debate tonight. The other guys were demoted to the kids' table, the early debate. Good luck fighting Chris Christie for the McNuggets at the kids' table.

Donald also weighed in on the important subject of Starbucks not having Christmas-themed designs on their cups this year. "I don't care if you've got three yarmulkes on, you're going to say Merry Christmas, damn it."

A painting by the Italian artist Modigliani was just sold at auction for $170.4 million. It's the second highest price ever paid for a painting at auction. A Picasso sold for $179.4 million. It's actually a great value. For $170 million you're not just getting the painting, you get the opportunity to be the target of a heist.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Jeb Bush said in a new interview that if he could travel back in time he would kill Hitler as a baby, adding, "You gotta step up, man." And it's comments like those that have a lot of people telling Jeb, "You gotta step down, man."

The fourth Republican debate was held tonight and Chris Christie and Mike Huckabee were demoted to the undercard event. Meanwhile, Bobby Jindal isn't even allowed to WATCH.

Donald Trump weighed in on the controversial decision by Starbucks to remove Christmas imagery from their holiday cups, saying, "If I become president, we're all going to be saying Merry Christmas again." Though the only way I could see Donald Trump saying "Merry Christmas" is if he's correcting someone who just said "Feliz Navidad."

Instead of canceling killer whale shows as previously reported, the CEO of SeaWorld clarified today that performances will continue but are being re-choreographed to reflect "conservation and a natural environment." That story again: The killer whales have to learn a new dance.

Fri, 11/27/15

Joke #3410

From: 11/11/15

Top of Page

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Last night was the fourth Republican debate. And if you thought it was exciting to watch on TV, imagine being Jeb Bush watching the whole thing from his podium!

After some controversial statements recently, a lot of people had their eyes on Ben Carson last night. And at one point, he said that his 3-year-old granddaughter was at the debate because she said she wanted to go. And also because she's his most reliable fact-checker.

Last night, Donald Trump said that he actually supports Russia's fight against ISIS in Syria. Yeah, Trump teaming up with Putin. Or as that's also known, the best "Amazing Race" team EVER.

The World Giving Index released a report yesterday that found for the first time ever, men are more likely than women to donate money to charity. And even MORE likely to donate to Charity's friends Crystal, Bambi, and Cinnamon.

Conan O'Brien

Donald Trump said he got to know Vladimir Putin very well because they were on "60 Minutes" the same night, even though they were interviewed by different hosts in different locations. Then he said it was a pleasure to meet Flo the Progressive lady during the commercial break.

It's come out that many Christians who are angry about Starbucks' plain red holiday cup are now taking their business to Dunkin' Donuts. One pastor said, "The more we eat at Dunkin' Donuts, the sooner we get to meet Jesus."

During the debate last night, Marco Rubio said, "We need more welders and less philosophers." Graduates with a philosophy degree were so furious, they got on their parents' computers and wrote angry emails.

Researchers have published a letter from a Harvard student in 1743 asking his parents for money. On the bright side, just this year his student loans were finally paid off.

Apple announced a plan to create 1,000 new jobs in Ireland. Irish people were excited, until Apple told them, "It's a Genius Bar, not a Guinness Bar."

The Late Late Show with James Corden

Indonesia's anti-drug chief is proposing that the country puts narcotic offenders in a jail on an island surrounded by crocodiles. When I heard about the plan, I was shocked it came out of Indonesia, and not last night's Republican debate.

The plan is to send the inmates food supplies every day but they will have to survive on their own. This already sounds like a reality TV show I would totally watch.

In Indonesian prisons, if you break out of prison, I do not recommend telling your cellmates, "Later, alligator." Because after a while, you'll end up in a crocodile.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

13.5 million viewers watched the debate last night, which was a record for the Fox Business channel. By the way, is Fox Business always a channel or is that a one-night thing? I've never seen that one before.

The debate was about the economy and I have to say it was not as much fun as the last one. It was mostly boring. And there are too many people on stage. It might be time to split the candidates into teams and make them play dodgeball or something to see who stays.

Jeb needed a big win last night but he really disappeared. He finished seventh of eight in total talking time. He was the least-Googled candidate in the debate. The only person who Googled Jeb Bush last night was his mother, Barbara, because even she forgot who he was.

Dr. Ben Carson is still the front-runner despite the fact that many experts say he had a bad debate. I thought it went fine. His mouth kind of moved, words came out so we can hear him.

Ben Carson did say he's tired about answering questions about his personal history. The last thing Ben Carson needs is to be even more tired than he already appears to be.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

According to several online polls, Donald Trump was the winner of last night's presidential debate. When reached for comment Trump said, 'Melania, keep clicking!'

According to Politico, the new most-searched-for phrase associated with Jeb Bush is 'is Jeb Bush still running for president?' Even worse, it's the most-searched-for phrase on Jeb Bush's computer.

Hillary Clinton this week has begun telling the story of her attempt to join the Marines in 1975. But the closest she ever came to the Marines was buying a pantsuit at Old Navy.

New research has found that contrary to popular belief, it could be beneficial for women to eat and drink while in labor. Though I don't think the other people in the restaurant would be too happy about it.

Sat, 11/28/15

Joke #3411

From: 11/12/15
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page

Jimmy Kimmel Live

One Direction and Justin Bieber are both releasing new albums tomorrow, which has tween girls all over the world asking, 'What's an album?'

Walmart announced this Black Friday they're doing away with their highly sought-after and fought-over doorbuster deals. I guess this is a good thing. But I feel like as a society we might need these doorbuster deals. One night a year we get out all our aggression by savagely beating our fellow shoppers.

Like the movie "The Purge" - now Walmart's taking the fun out of it just because we trampled a few of their elderly greeters.

Walmart will be open at 6 p.m. on Thanksgiving this year, as will most of the major retailers. And let's be honest, the truth is we don't really want to shop on Thanksgiving. We just want an excuse to get away from our families immediately after the pie.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

An early copy of The New York Times best-seller list obtained by Buzzfeed shows Ben Carson's "A More Perfect Union" is edging out Donald Trump's "Crippled America." And a little further down the list is Jeb Bush's "I Don't Want to Do This Anymore."

I highly recommend chapter three, "Why is this happening to me?"

It was reported that the Republican candidates said Hillary Clinton's name more than 40 times during the debate on Tuesday. Though usually you only have to say it three times before she appears.

Donald Trump said in a new interview, "We started off with 17 and one by one they're disappearing. It's a beautiful thing to watch as they go out." Which begs the question, have we actually just been watching "The Apprentice" this whole time?

The next Democratic debate is being held this Saturday in Des Moines, Iowa, and will be broadcast by CBS News. And if that doesn't do the job, try Ambien.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

Guess what, there are just 361 more shopping days until we get to pick a new president.

For the next few months they're going to be coming at us fast and Fiorina-ous.

Saturday will be a particularly special Democratic debate because CBS has partnered with Twitter to bring in live reactions and questions. This is supposed to be the biggest Twitter debate since Ben Affleck was cast as Batman.

Sun, 11/29/15

Joke #3412

From: 11/12/15
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Today at Starbucks, they refused to give me a cup that had "Happy Thursday" printed on it. I'm thinking of starting a boycott.

After the debate this week, online polls show Donald Trump is still in the lead, but critics say the poll is unscientific. Because even science can't explain how Donald Trump is still in the lead.

In a recent interview, Donald Trump hinted that he might consider Chris Christie for his ticket if he wins the nomination. Not to be his vice president - to be his wall between America and Mexico.

GOP candidate Carly Fiorina is being criticized for repeatedly changing the story of how she met Vladimir Putin, where they met, and what they talked about. In other words, they DEFINITELY met on Tinder.

I heard that a couple weeks ago, Rick Santorum and Ted Cruz spent some time hunting pheasants in Iowa. When Donald Trump heard that, he was like, 'Why wasn't I invited? I love hunting peasants.'

Conan O'Brien

Donald Trump's latest attack on Hillary Clinton is that her hair isn't real. Trump says he knows this because he saw her in line at his wig store.

The CEO of Disney is now getting involved in bringing an NFL team to Los Angeles. So football fans, get ready for the crushing defense of the Los Angeles Little Mermaids.

The American Postal Workers Union has endorsed Bernie Sanders. They like Bernie because he's the only candidate who's old enough to still be using the U.S. Postal Service.

First Ben Carson said he attacked his mother with a hammer, now Ben Carson's mother is saying she's the one who attacked Ben with a hammer. I don't know about you, but that's going to be one awkward Thanksgiving at the Carson house.

The Late Late Show with James Corden

We all know being an adult is hard. When you were a kid, having your mom around made things a lot easier. Which is why one woman in Brooklyn is offering her services for $40 an hour as a rent-a-mom - sewing buttons on your shirts, baking your favorite dessert, and calling you at 6 a.m. on a Saturday because she can't remember how to set the DVR.

It's got to be uncomfortable when your real mom notices all your shirts are ironed and your bed is made and goes, "Wait a minute - have you been seeing other moms?"

You know somewhere out there, a prostitute is watching this, saying, "Wait a second, you're telling me I could just be folding shirts?"

If renting a mom isn't for you, but you still want to feel like a kid again, don't worry because someone in Brooklyn is offering enrollment in a preschool for adults.

Why is it that any time you have "Adult" before something, it immediately becomes creepy or sad or both? Think about it. Adult bookstore. Adult diapers. Adult Michael Jackson.

Mon, 11/30/15

Joke #3413

From: 11/13/15

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The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Tomorrow night is the second Democratic debate! It's the perfect way to spend a Saturday night if you're single. And it's raining. And every movie theater is closed. And you only get one channel.

This time, the debate will feature just three candidates: Hillary Clinton, Bernie Sanders, and Martin O'Malley. Or as viewers call them, 'Hillary Clinton, Bernie Sanders, and Bathroom Break.'

Bernie Sanders got an endorsement from the American Postal Workers Union. Well, Bernie Sanders' neighbor got the endorsement, but it was meant for Bernie. He'll get it eventually.

I read about a pub in England that has 15 cats that just walk around, so you can play with them while you drink beer. Customers said it's really fun and cozy, while the bar's owner has been dead upstairs for months.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

Check your calendars, Thanksgiving is just around the corner. I'm a little worried because there is a turkey shortage this year. There is an outbreak of deadly avian flu that killed eight million turkey. It's so sad to see so many turkeys dying in a way that doesn't render them delicious.

That's not the only thing the avian flu has cost us this fall because there's an egg shortage too, which has caused egg prices to rise 50 percent this year. It's gotten so bad that 7-Eleven has begun using eggless mayo in their food, which is a shocker. I always assumed 7-Eleven used foodless food in their food.

In the face of this egg crisis, we shall not crack. As a country, we must scramble and whisk it all because it won't be over easy.

Lately, Trump has been pretty cranky about losing his lead in the polls over retired neurosurgeon and "Guy who sits next to you in an otherwise empty theater," Ben Carson. Evidently, people have been looking at Trump and thinking, "Maybe we shouldn't elect a man who shouts crazy things. Maybe we should elect a man who whispers crazy things."

Tue, 12/01/15

Joke #3414

From: 11/16/15
(**Part 1**)

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Late Night With Seth Meyers

Bernie Sanders announced today that he has joined Snapchat. Sanders said he's excited to see his photos disappear, 'JUST LIKE THE MIDDLE CLASS!'

In an interview this morning, Donald Trump said that mosques need to be 'watched and studied,' because he believes they may spread hateful views. In related news, Donald Trump needs to be watched and studied.

After one of Google's self-driving cars was pulled over this weekend, the company released a statement touting that the cars have the human equivalent of 90 years behind the wheel. Which also explains why the left blinker was on for 17 miles.

A pair of zebras got loose in downtown Philadelphia this weekend after escaping from a nearby circus. They were chased down and captured almost immediately by Eagles fans who mistook them for referees.

'The Voice' star Blake Shelton this weekend rescued four men who got stuck in a mud hole in Oklahoma. Shelton almost left the men, but then one of them hit a high note, and he just had to turn around.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

People are trying to find any way they can to show support, however small, to the people of France. For instance, Twitter was deluged with statements of support - from #Prayforparis to messages like "My wife and I are watching #Ratatouille in support of what is happening in Paris."

Is 'Ratatouille' a French film? No. Is it a valid expression? Absolutely. So go drink a bottle of Bordeaux, eat a croissant at Au Bon Pain, slap on a beret and smoke a cigarette, and go eat some French fries.

To destroy ISIS, President Hollande has said that he will form a big unified coalition. But today President Obama said it would be a mistake for the U.S. to send troops to Syria. So the international community agrees on two things. One, the only way to wipe out ISIS is to send in ground troops. And two: 'Not it!'

Wed, 12/02/15

Joke #3415

From: 11/16/15
(**Part 2**)

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The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

The Democratic candidates went head-to-head Saturday night in their second debate, where unlike the Ronda Rousey fight, we saw a woman knock out TWO opponents.

CBS actually ended the debate seven minutes before it was supposed to finish. Or as Bill Clinton put it, "Oh my God, you're home early!"

Data from social media and Google showed that Bernie Sanders was the most talked about of the three Democratic candidates after the debate. Bernie came in first, Hillary came in second, - and somehow Martin O'Malley came in fourth.

The man who invented ibuprofen said that he knew it worked when he tested some out to cure a hangover before giving an important speech. While the man who invented Viagra unfortunately also tested it out before giving a wedding toast. "I COULDN'T be more excited for you guys! I just caught the bouquet!"

The Late Late Show with James Corden

During a moment of silence at the Packers game, one very misguided fan yelled out "Muslims suck." Which is obviously awful. This guy probably thought he had everyone's support when he yelled it out, but you just know as soon as he said it, he looked around and was like, "Oh no."

If you're thinking of yelling something out during a moment of silence, here's what you can do to curb that urge. Hold your breath, count to 10, and then just keep holding your breath forever.

In a press conference after the game, Green Bay Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers had some words for the offending fan. Just when you thought you couldn't love Aaron Rodgers any more, he goes and throws in the words "prejudicial ideology."

Usually a football player's postgame comments are, "We worked really hard. We played really hard. We tried to win by playing hard. And working hard. So in conclusion, playing hard and working hard was how we tried to win."

Jimmy Kimmel Live

It occurred to me that football is essentially a very organized version of a game I play with my 16-month-old daughter called "I'm going to get you."

Next time you watch football where a quarterback hands the ball off to a running back, imagine everyone on the other team is saying, "I'm going to get you!"

Not that anyone seemed to notice, but there was a Democratic debate on Saturday night. It was Hillary Clinton, Bernie Sanders, and Martin O'Malley, who is either a presidential candidate or an Irish pub where they all went to drink afterwards, I'm not sure.

If you watched the debate on mute, it looked like Bernie Sanders spent two hours angrily sending his soup back at the deli.

Donald Trump is out in front of the pack again. According to a new Reuters poll he's in first place among likely Republican voters with 42 percent. Ben Carson is in second with just under 25 percent. Only 4 percent now say they would support Jeb Bush. That number dropped to 2 percent when the pollster asked, "Really?"

I think Donald Trump will drop out once he finds out how much money the president actually makes. I think he pays his hair flap engineer more than $400,000 a year.

Thu, 12/03/15

Joke #3416

From: 11/17/15

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The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Donald Trump went on Twitter today and mocked Ronda Rousey for losing her fight this past weekend. In response, T-Mobile's CEO said he'd pay to see Trump fight her in the ring - at which point, Trump started building a wall around himself.

President Obama is overseas this week joining other world leaders in Turkey for the G-20 summit. Which is unusual, because normally when people are gathered around Turkey debating Obama, it's just a bunch of drunk uncles at Thanksgiving.

In Pope Francis' latest weekly address, he criticized people who use their phones at the dinner table. Which begs the question: Who is on their phone while they eat dinner with the Pope?

Marriott reached a $12 billion deal to buy Starwood Hotels and Resorts, which now makes Marriott the world's biggest hotel chain. At first the deal only cost $9 billion, but then they celebrated with a tiny bottle of champagne from the minibar, made it $12 billion.

The Late Late Show with James Corden

There is a new Barbie doll called Hello Barbie that is a high-tech interactive version of the toy. The Hello Barbie has more than 8,000 phrases she uses to keep up conversation with you. In order for it to work, you have to speak right into her breasts. For 37 years, women have been telling me not to do that.

People are making a huge deal about this. But all they've done is put Siri in a Barbie doll. Big deal. I put feet and googly eyes on my iPhone and you don't see me having a press conference.

She speaks 8,000 different phrases, which is incredible because real fashion models only have three or four phrases.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Governor Chris Christie said in an interview yesterday that New Jersey would not accept Syrian refugees. Which is too bad, because Syrian refugees would be the first people ever to arrive in New Jersey and say, "Hey, this is MUCH better!"

McDonald's this week unveiled a successor to its Dollar Menu that will allow customers to pay $2 for two items, which include a double cheeseburger, a chicken sandwich, small fries, or mozzarella sticks. They're calling it the "Type 2" Dollar Menu.

Florida police arrested a woman this weekend in a storage unit facility after she had assaulted her husband during an argument over which sex position is best. She had argued for missionary, while he had argued for "in a storage facility."

Friday was "World Vasectomy Day." Which meant that Saturday was Frozen Peas Day.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

Robots are progressing fast and I fear the eventual enslavement of the human race by the metal man. I know what you're saying: "Oh, they'll never do that. Teddy Ruxpin was my friend." No he wasn't, and neither was Tickle Me Elmo.

Think about the name. Why wasn't it Tickle You Elmo? Who is in control here? It sounds like a one-sided relationship.

There's shocking news out of Japan - robot designers have now created an artificial robot that passed the standardized exams, like the SATs. The only silver lining is they might avoid a robot uprising. In medieval French literature, the robots won't be able to enslave us because they'll be too busy paying off their student loans.

Fri, 12/04/15

Joke #3417

From: 11/18/15
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Bernie Sanders, the presidential hopeful and senator from Vermont, joined Snapchat. Bernie did this, I assume, to appeal to younger voters. If you're the oldest candidate running for president, maybe not a great idea to post a drawing of yourself as a ghost.

If you'd like to follow Bernie Sanders, his Snapchat user name is bernie.sanders. If you want to log into his account, his password is "Password."

Jeb Bush is on Snapchat. He's been on for a while because he's cool too. The Bush campaign launched a contest people can enter to win a chance to have dinner with Jeb Bush. The contest is called, "Will someone please come hang out with me?"

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Bernie Sanders will deliver a speech tomorrow, which pundits say will seek to clarify his identity as a Democratic socialist. He'll explain that "Democratic" means he believes everyone should have an equal say, and "socialist" means he's not getting elected.

Adele performed a free concert last night at Radio City Music Hall. Fans who missed it were sad, while fans who saw it were inconsolable.

David Beckham yesterday was named People magazine's Sexiest Man Alive for 2015. While once again, Donald Trump was named "Sexist" Man Alive.

A 50-year-old Washington man is facing assault charges after his neighbor says he swung a Klingon sword at him during an argument about trash. Man, if there was any time you'd think two neighbors would get along, it's when they both know what a Klingon sword looks like.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

Donald Trump's support keeps growing, with the latest poll from New Hampshire showing him ahead by 22 points. That's higher than the age of his next wife. It's only slightly more than the number of candidates for president.

We all love watching the horse race, and most of these people, like a horse, will be turned into glue because politics is a blood sport. It's like "The Hunger Games." No, it's more than that. It's "The Hungry for Power Games."

Republican Bobby Jindal, the governor of Louisiana, is dropping out. Jindal never got out of single digits in the polls. "My parents came to this country 45 years ago and they told me as a young child that Americans can do anything" - not only did Jindal have to drop out, he learned his parents have been lying to him.

Bobby, I have some terrible news about the tooth fairy. She's not voting for you, either.

Who can forget the moment when he announced his campaign with a video recorded from behind a tree limb? This is the closest he'll ever get to the executive branch.

Sat, 12/05/15

Joke #3418

From: 11/18/15
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Last night, Bobby Jindal announced that he is dropping out of the race for president. I guess that after talking it over with family and friends, he realized that even THEY didn't know he was running for president.

Trump ran into a little trouble before a speech in Knoxville. Someone noticed that the sign in front of Trump's podium actually misspelled the word "Tennessee" and only had one "S." Or as Trump calls it, "A naked dollar sign."

Donald Trump recently said that he's lost 15 pounds on the campaign trail. Well, so did everyone when Bobby Jindal dropped out of the race.

Hillary Clinton recently decided to make her Myspace page "private," so people can no longer see some of her old campaign ads. When somebody told her she can just delete it, Hillary said, "I'm not fallin' for that again!"

Conan O'Brien

Lyft has a new promotion where you can get a discount on Justin Bieber's latest album. Meanwhile, if you take Uber, you could be driven by one of the Backstreet Boys.

RadioShack just announced they will be celebrating Black Friday on Wednesday. Mostly because Radio Shack's worried they won't be around on Friday.

Archaeologists in Israel have discovered an ancient formation as old as Stonehenge that's known as the "Wheel of Giants." They claim that ancient locals used to gather around the wheel nightly and purchase vowels.

The Late Late Show with James Corden

A new study came out this week, which showed that the cities of Portland and Seattle have the highest percentage of single women over 40 living with cats. It goes without saying that they also lead the nation in frozen yogurt shops, Zumba classes, and crying.

A city full of single women with cats? Sounds like the purr-fect place for an eligible bachelor - that joke is one of meown.

Sun, 12/06/15

Joke #3419

From: 11/19/15
(**Part 1**)

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Late Night With Seth Meyers

A protester had to be escorted out of a Donald Trump rally last night for yelling, "Trump's a racist." The protester was removed because the Trump campaign has that phrase copyrighted.

A new poll released today shows Donald Trump is leading the Republican field with 24 percent. How far are we going to let this go? It's almost Thanksgiving. Trump is still leading. Next thing you know, he's winning Iowa, then he takes New Hampshire, then he somehow actually becomes the Republican nominee. And before you know it, Hillary Clinton is president!

Today is the Great American Smokeout day, which encourages smokers to try and go 24 hours without having a cigarette. Which means tomorrow is the Best Cigarette of Your Life" day.

The University of Vermont recently held a retreat for students who self-identify as white so that they can confront their own white privilege. Of course, they already have something like that. It's called the University of Vermont.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

It's late November, the weather's getting crisp, and that can only mean one thing: It's time for People magazine's "sexiest man alive" issue. It's got David Beckham on the cover. Spoiler alert - he's sexy.

I was a little disappointed to see that the only time my name appears in the magazine is on the address label.

After the attacks in Paris, I don't want to talk about ISIS, or "ISIL," or "Daesh," or "P. Diddy," or whatever we're supposed to call them this week.

Mon, 12/07/15

Joke #3420

From: 11/19/15
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

In his recent interview with GQ, President Obama said that he'd like to own an NBA team after he leaves the White House. You'll know it's Obama's team when it takes the players five years to pass something.

In a new interview, Tom Brady said he'll never get into politics because, "Half the people are going to like you and half the people are not going to like you." Or, as that's also known, SPORTS.

I want to say congrats to Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps and his fiancée, Nicole Johnson, who just announced that they're expecting a baby boy. So it looks like yet ANOTHER Phelps swimmer just won a race.

Hey, if you're in a relationship, you might want to listen to this. A relationship expert just told The Washington Post that people who are in a relationship shouldn't reach out to ex-lovers on Facebook, because it can often lead to an affair. He also recommended not referring to anyone as your "ex-lover," because it can lead to people around you gagging.

Conan O'Brien

There is reportedly a shortage of turkeys this Thanksgiving. So it's official, even turkeys don't want to spend Thanksgiving with your family.

The kids band The Wiggles announced they will play a reunion concert next year - for adults only. You can buy tickets at ImACreep.biz.

Critics are panning Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt's new movie saying the film has "long stretches where nothing much happens." Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt responded, "Since when is looking at us not enough?"

Campbell's is recalling over 300,000 cans of SpaghettiOs. Turns out, they contain a very dangerous substance called "SpaghettiOs."

Bernie Sanders recently joined Snapchat. So in case you were wondering, you can get Snapchat on a rotary phone.

The Late Late Show with James Corden

If you think it's silly to ban a toy like hover boards, then you should check out Laurel, Mississippi, where the city's sheriff has put up 50 street signs in an effort to ban baggy pants. They spent actual taxpayer money on those signs.

Unless the crime rate in Laurel, Mississippi is zero, this feels like a very weird thing for the police department to prioritize.

Mississippi is an "open carry" state, which means you're allowed to carry a gun in public. So for those of you keeping track, AK-47, totally fine. Showing your boxers, "no, not in my town!"

Tue, 12/08/15

Joke #3421

From: 11/20/15

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The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

In an interview with Kelly Ripa and Michael Strahan, Hillary said that her biggest guilty pleasure is chocolate. Which then got awkward when she winked at Michael Strahan.

And over on the Republican side, Jeb Bush recently hired a speech coach to help him speak more forcefully and emotionally. You can tell - before, he was like, "I don't really want to run for president," but NOW, he's like "I SAID I DON'T WANT TO RUN FOR PRESIDENT!! I'M SICK OF IT! I'M OUT!"

Jeb Bush hired a speech coach, and some people say his speeches are starting to get better. Unfortunately, no one can teach him to stop saying "Huacamole."

I saw that one hundred years ago this month, Albert Einstein presented his theory of General Relativity, which explains how gravity works. And it also marks the last time someone actually meant it when they said, "Way to go, Einstein."

Facebook is testing out a new feature that lets you limit the amount of posts you see from an ex you just broke up with. But most people said, "Is there any way to ONLY see posts from the ex I just broke up with?"

Wed, 12/09/15

Joke #3422

From: 11/23/15

Top of Page

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

We have Adele on the show tonight! We thought we'd do everyone a service and help them get their crying out BEFORE Thanksgiving.

In a speech last week, Bernie Sanders called for a new global alliance with Russia and the Middle East to fight threats around the world. Then people said, “You mean like Russia and the Middle East?”

Ted Cruz's campaign announced that it's going to launch a national “prayer team” next month, where people will pray for Cruz to win. Then God said, “Oh I tuned out of this thing weeks ago.”

Donald Trump's daughter Ivanka said that her father loves eating at McDonald's. It makes sense, considering the “McFlurry” is also what Trump asks for when he goes to the barber.

Prince William and Kate recently made plans for their baby daughter, Princess Charlotte, to join the Girl Scouts when she turns five. That's how good Girl Scout cookies are. Even royalty is like, “We need someone on the inside.”

The Late Late Show with James Corden

The group Anonymous, an international network of computer hackers who attack websites and steal personal information in the name of justice, announced last week that they are going to war with ISIS. As if ISIS didn't already have its hands full, now they have to change all their passwords!

So far, Anonymous has been responsible for the deletion of over 5,000 ISIS Twitter accounts. That's right. They're hitting ISIS where it hurts the most. Retweets.

Right now, all the ISIS Facebook accounts are posting messages like "Guys, I think I've been hacked. If you got a message from me saying, ‘I love America,’ that wasn't me. Clearly, I hate America. You guys know me."

Remember earlier this year when a hacker group released all the names of users of Ashley Madison? You remember that? What if this ISIS thing plays out like that? Can you imagine how embarrassing it would be if Anonymous leaked a list of ISIS members and your dad was on it?

This weekend, one of the heads of the infamous Gambino crime family gave an interview in which he announced that the mafia was prepared to protect New York City from ISIS. How did they announce this? Isn't the mafia supposed to be secretive?

Late Night With Seth Meyers

A new poll found that 54 percent of Americans say it’s too early to be playing Christmas music. I couldn’t agree more. Now let’s talk about the 2016 presidential race.

Donald Trump said in an interview today that it is highly unlikely that he would ever use nuclear weapons as president. Meanwhile, Ben Carson said, “Hey, what does this button do?”

After a protestor was assaulted at a Donald Trump rally this weekend Trump told reporters, “Maybe he should have been roughed up because it was absolutely disgusting what he was doing.” And he might have a point, because what the man was doing was attending a Trump rally.

Drug makers Pfizer and Allergan today announced a $160 billion merger. It’s the largest pharmaceutical merger since the one that takes place every day in Keith Richards’ stomach.

A new study has found that specially trained pigeons can have up to an 85 percent accuracy rate of detecting breast cancer in humans. Which means that 15 percent of the time it’s just a pigeon staring at your boobs.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

This Thanksgiving I'm feeling a little betrayed because it has just been revealed that the grocery store labels on the turkey mean very little. Fresh, young, natural, meaningless.

Apparently fresh turkey just means it's not fully frozen. Young turkey means they weren't allowed to die of old age. Natural turkey has the same legal standing as cheez with two Es and a Z and wild turkey means you're too drunk to care anymore.

The point is it seems like the only ones you can trust these days are the good people at Butterball. They're all about helping you understand your turkey. In fact, Butterball's been running a toll-free hotline for turkey-cooking tips since 1981.

Every year the turkey talk line receives more than 100,000 phone calls, but sadly, they have not once been able to save the turkey's life.

While the hotline opens on November 2nd, not surprisingly the volume peaks on Thanksgiving Day, so right now, Butterball is paying Turkey experts to sit by the phone. But no one is calling.

Thu, 12/10/15

Joke #3423

From: 11/24/15

Top of Page

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

In a recent interview, Ben Carson said that Thomas Jefferson wrote the U.S. Constitution, when he actually wrote the Declaration of Independence. Or as Carson's campaign staff put it, “Close enough!

Donald Trump was recently being interviewed, and said that he's not a fan of the man bun trend, and wouldn't want to wear his hair that way. You know it's bad when even Donald Trump is like, "I'm not putting that on my head."

I saw that NBC has officially granted Mike Huckabee, John Kasich, Jim Gilmore and Lindsey Graham free airtime to equal Donald Trump's recent Saturday Night Live appearance. When asked how they'll feature the candidates, NBC was like, “Let's just say the Thanksgiving Day Parade just got a few more clowns.”

I heard that AMC will broadcast a marathon of the entire “Godfather” trilogy on Thanksgiving. So if you want to watch a dramatic family falling apart on Thanksgiving - now you've got TWO ways to do that.

The Late Late Show with James Corden

We are just 15 days away from when "Time" magazine chooses its annual person of the year. There's an online poll where readers can vote for their pick, and currently leading in that online poll is Democratic hopeful Bernie Sanders. This is ironic, because I'm not sure Bernie Sanders has ever even been online.

Seriously, if he wanted to vote for himself, he'd have to go to a library. But this is going to be a real thrill for Bernie because he actually remembers when time came onto the scene. Not Time Magazine, just actual time.

Bernie Sanders has gotten a lot of attention for a meeting he had with outspoken activist/rapper Killer Mike. It looks like killer Mike could wear Bernie in a Baby Bjorn. How are you going to stand up to Vladimir Putin when you look like you need a booster seat?

Fri, 12/11/15

Joke #3424

From: 11/30/15

Top of Page

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

It's the start of the holiday season, everyone! Right now, millions of parents across the nation are checking their credit card statements and saying, "How much is my kid REALLY worth?" "Todd's been good this year, but he hasn't been new Xbox good. He’s been iTunes gift card good."

Today was Cyber Monday, where they offer a lot of really good deals just to online shoppers. It's the only day of the year where guys have an innocent reason for quickly shutting their laptops and saying "Don't come in here!"

The Philadelphia 76ers set a new record for the longest losing streak in American sports history, with 28 losses in a row since last season. You know the 76ers are bad when THEY leave the game early to beat traffic.

But the big basketball story right now is Kobe Bryant. Last night, Kobe announced that he will be quitting professional basketball. That's right - he's signing with the Philadelphia 76ers.

Conan O'Brien

Lakers legend Kobe Bryant announced he’ll retire at the end of the season. Meanwhile, the rest of the Lakers announced they quit playing a month ago.

Donald Trump claimed to have "many Muslim friends." However, when asked for specific names, the only one he could come up with was "The Genie from 'Aladdin.'"

Donald Trump’s popular "Make America Great Again" hats are actually made at a California factory that employs Mexican immigrants. Even more embarrassing for Trump, his hair is made by Syrian refugees.

Paul Ryan has become the first Speaker of the House in over 90 years to grow a beard. Meanwhile, Marco Rubio is the first presidential candidate to sport a chocolate milk mustache.

The '80s rock band Twisted Sister has said Donald Trump can use their song "We’re Not Gonna Take It." Meanwhile, Ben Carson has not heard back from Motley Crue regarding "Dr. Feelgood."

The Late Late Show with James Corden

If you went shopping on black Friday, I assume you are watching this on a brand new 60-inch flat screen from the comfort of your brand new full-body cast.

I don't think people who participate in black Friday are there for the bargains. It seems like they go for a socially acceptable excuse to punch a stranger in the face.

It must be awkward when you get the TV home and there's a little red spot in the corner of the screen and your family is like "What's that?" And you're like "It's blood."

I personally am so excited about cyber Monday. I've been sleeping in a tent outside my computer since Friday.

Sat, 12/12/15

Joke #3425

From: 12/01/15

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

In a recent interview, Donald Trump's daughter Ivanka said that there are times when she disagrees with her father. But then there are MORE times when she likes the idea of inheriting a billion dollars. Double-edged sword.

It seems like as the election goes on, we’re actually starting to learn more about all of the candidates. For instance, I just saw that Chris Christie prefers texting to making phone calls. But I guess it starts to get annoying when he keeps texting "U up?" to Domino’s.

The Associated Press just announced that they are no longer including Hillary Clinton's maiden name “Rodham” in articles about her, nor will they call her “Mrs. Clinton” anymore. While Republicans have announced that they will no longer call Hillary by the name “Lady Voldemort.”.

Amazon just unveiled new prototype drones for its Prime Air delivery service, and it said it hopes to deliver packages in under 30 minutes. Then people waiting to depart from LaGuardia were like, “How much weight can they hold? I’ll try it.”

Conan O'Brien

Donald Trump is still under fire for mocking a reporter with physical disabilities. Trump told his supporters, "Don’t worry, I’ll soon do something worse and all this will be forgotten."

Yesterday was Cyber Monday, where Americans spent billions of dollars while shopping online. And tomorrow we’ll be celebrating What The Hell Is All This Wednesday?

Chris Christie said that if elected president, he would not rule out waterboarding. Then he said, "Not for prisoners, but as a way to prepare chicken."

Forecasters say El Niño should bring much-needed rain to California. Meanwhile, Donald Trump said if elected president he won’t let El Niño into the country.

In Beijing, because pollution has reached 35 times the safety level, children have been ordered to stay home. This could mean a delay for anyone who ordered a new iPhone.

Pope Francis is calling for an audit of all the Catholic Church’s wealth. In a related story, Pope Francis is missing.

The Late Late Show with James Corden

Paul Ryan, the new speaker of the House, showed up to congress with a brand new beard. It's weird that he's speaker of the House, since it looks like he definitely shares an apartment with the other three guys in his band.

This is the first speaker of the house to have any facial hair since Republican Frederick Jillette, who led the house from 1919 until 1925! Now incidentally, Paul Ryan is also the first politician in 100 years to have a beard that isn't his wife.