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Joke of the Day

Day # Range: 3376 - 3400

Date Range: 09/30/15 - 10/29/15

Sat, 12/12/15

Joke #3376

From: 9/30/15
(**Part 1**)

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Forbes Magazine released their annual list of the "Forbes 400" ranking the wealthiest people in America. Bill Gates, 22nd year in a row he's number one, $76 billion. Yet, he still has an $11 haircut.

Donald Trump finished 121 on the list and he's not happy about that. Forbes says he has a net worth of $4.5 billion, but he says that's wrong, "I'm worth $11.5 billion." This is what makes him relatable to voters.

Forbes stands by their estimate but Trump said they're trying to make him look as poor as possible. Saying someone has $4.5 billion makes them look poor? Underprivileged maybe, but not poor.

I like Donald Trump's way of thinking. It's not how much money you have, it's how much money you feel you have.

The Santee Sioux Tribe is getting ready to open what they call America's first marijuana resort, further cementing South Dakota's status as party capital of the U.S. They claim this will be the first marijuana resort, but there are already thousands of marijuana resorts in this country. They're called colleges.

Last week Pope Francis carved time out to meet with Kim Davis, the woman who refused to issue the same-sex marriage license in Kentucky. The reason they met is the Pope wanted to deliver a message to Kim about God, which was "Fire your stylist."

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Lawyers for Kim Davis say the embattled county clerk was given a secret audience with Pope Francis last Thursday. And since it was a workday, her schedule was wide open.

In an interview today, Kim Davis said that her meeting with Pope Francis last week “kind of validates everything.” Well, except for a lot of marriage licenses.

Trend experts are reporting that New Yorkers have started holding “juice crawls,” where dozens of people gather together and visit three to five juice bars. They're called “juice crawls” because the participants are generally too weak to walk.

The CDC is accusing Big Tobacco of using different flavors of e-cigarettes to try and lure in young people. They're especially concerned about the newest flavor, Cheerios in a Ziploc Bag.

This weekend people in Los Angeles were treated to free food from the Pancake Selfie Express, which is a food truck that can print photos in batter. So now you can be reminded of what you used to look like before you started eating free pancakes from a truck.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

Right off the bat, I'd like to apologize because the show's been on for almost 30 seconds and I have yet to say the words "Donald Trump."

Donald Trump is slumping in the polls. Don't leave me, Donald. Don't you understand, if you go away, I'm going to have to talk about those other boring people. I'm going to have to learn their names.

I think one of them is Marco Rubio. Am I saying that right? Is it Marco Rubio, or is it Mark O'Rubio? And for the record, I was just crossing two cultures.

CNN will break new ground by live streaming the next primary debate in virtual reality. With the help of a virtual reality headset, users can actually watch the debates from the perspective of an audience member. It'll feel like you're seeing Hillary Clinton right in front of you, but she's not actually there - just like the real Hillary Clinton!

Sun, 12/13/15

Joke #3377

From: 09/30/15
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

The New York Times Magazine just did a big profile on Donald Trump, who some say is still the front-runner for the Republican nomination. And get this, it turns out that he usually gets only four hours of sleep at night. Which explains why today he looked in the mirror and said, “You're tired.”

The story says that Donald Trump gets so little sleep, he actually suffers from sleep deprivation. Then again, so do most people who think about Donald Trump becoming president.

NSA leaker Edward Snowden joined Twitter yesterday, and immediately got more followers than the NSA. Which raises an interesting question: Who's following the NSA on Twitter?

There's been some hoaxes going around on Facebook lately that say you may need to pay money in order to keep your status private. And this is cool, just by mentioning that on the show, I won a free iPad!

A new study found that David Beckham and his wife Victoria Beckham are actually richer than Queen Elizabeth. Or in other words, Posh Spice is doing better than Old Spice.

Conan O'Brien

It was just announced there are nearly 30,000 fewer inmates now in California's prisons. Here's the bad news: They all escaped.

While visiting America, Pope Francis secretly met with Kim Davis, the county clerk who denied marriage licenses to gay couples. At first she refused to meet with the Pope because she was told, “There's a guy in a dress named Francis here to see you.”

Donald Trump's wife, an immigrant from Slovenia, says she lets Trump be himself. She said, in return, he lets me be in America.

Governor Bobby Jindal's presidential campaign is angrily insisting that the "Duck Dynasty" cast supports him and not Donald Trump. And that is the current report on the state of the Bobby Jindal campaign.

Tesla has debuted a new car which is equipped with a device that instantly clears the air of toxins. Basically you activate it when you're driving behind a Volkswagen.

The Late Late Show with James Corden

Facebook has gone down three times in the past week. So lately Facebook's status has changed from "Working" to "It's complicated."

Loads of people had to go hide in their exes' bushes just to stalk them. People were outraged.

There's one guy who wishes that Facebook had stayed down. That's John Mogan of Ohio, who was arrested after robbing a bank and then instead of, you know, hiding, he posted photos of himself posing with the cash on his Facebook wall.

Mon, 12/14/15

Joke #3378

From: 10/01/15

Top of Page

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Much to the dismay of many Republicans, a new report said Donald Trump is still leading in the polls, and one voter was quoted as saying, “Unfortunately, I'm leaning toward Trump.” Even worse, that voter was Jeb Bush.

Congrats to the Toronto Blue Jays for making the playoffs for the first time in 22 years. Nothing says “America's pastime” more than a bunch of guys from the Dominican Republic playing for a team in Canada.

I read that after facing protests, Whole Foods announced that it will no longer sell food that has been prepared by prison inmates. Customers were like, “This is great news - wait, WHAT?!”

Donald Trump's wife Melania just gave an interview where she said their 9-year-old son Barron wants to grow up to be a golfer, a businessman, and a pilot. When Melania told him that's very unlikely to happen, he replied, “Dad's in first place for president, anything can happen.”

Conan O'Brien

A word association poll found the words most associated with Donald Trump are idiot, jerk, stupid, and dumb. In other words, he really could be our next president. He's got everything it takes.

Hurricane Joaquin is set to hit the East Coast. Could cause historic rainfall. East Coast residents are concerned. California residents are jealous.

Due to Hurricane Joaquin Governor Christie has declared a state of emergency in New Jersey. Christie spent the day stocking up on tons of groceries - and then he heard about the hurricane.

Today is World Vegetarian Day. There were supposed to be rallies but nobody had the energy.

A man in Canada has pled guilty to trespassing into a home and doing laundry and feeding the owner's cat. The man is being described by authorities as marriage material.

In Russia a man injected himself with 3.5 million-year-old bacteria in hopes of becoming immortal. His funeral is Thursday.

Burger King has begun bottling its own merlot and they call it Whopper Wine. Not to be outdone, 7-Eleven has begun selling a product fermented for six months. They call it a hot dog.

The Late Late Show with James Corden

Jeb Bush, the front-runner who's currently losing - if he won, Jeb Bush would be America's third Bush president. Three presidents from the same family. Even I think that's messed up, and I come from a country that still has a queen.

Ben Carson talks like he forgot he had a press conference and just took a load of Benadryl. This guy is a retired surgeon. Apparently, instead of giving his patients anesthesia, he just talked to them until they passed out.

Ben Carson has made a lot of controversial statements. He's said prison turns people gay and that Obamacare is the worst thing to happen to our country since slavery. And that was just to his waitress at breakfast.

This is what happens when you give Donald Trump attention: Everyone else seems reasonable in comparison. Ben Carson is over here saying "You're Hitler!" "Obamacare is slavery!" And we're like, "Finally, an adult in the room!"

Late Night With Seth Meyers

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie has declared a state of emergency in preparation for Hurricane Joaquin. And Donald Trump declared a state of emergency as soon as he heard the name “Joaquin.”

Today is World Vegetarian Day. So if you're a vegetarian — we know. You already told us.

A new app has launched called Peeple which will allow users to give zero- to five-star ratings of their friends and acquaintances. It works like this: If you join that site, you get zero stars.

A processing company that supplies chicken to KFC was fined this week after an employee lost two fingertips while on the job. Which explains their new slogan, “It's Finger Losin' Good!”

Oregon's recreational marijuana shops began selling to the public today. Experts expect it to be a big hit, followed by a bunch of coughing.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

The Iowa caucuses are just a scant four months away. Meaning the presidential election is just around the corner from the corner we haven't gotten around yet.

Today is the day all candidates have to report to the Federal Election Commission how much money they've received in the past three months. The big news is that Vermont senator and rooftop beekeeper Bernie Sanders took in a whopping $26 million. That's more than twice as much money as Jeb Bush pulled in, even though this summer I gave Jeb Bush $3.

There's another breakthrough moment in campaign fundraising. Florida Sen. Marco Rubio's website already features some great merchandise like a Marco Polo shirt, or a water bottle that says "Water great nation."

The fundraising breakthrough on the Rubio website is that for $250 you can adopt a Rubio staffer for a day. That really pulls at the heart strings. I wasn't going to donate to Marco Rubio but I can't let his staff who are evidently orphans go unpurchased.

Tue, 12/15/15

Joke #3379

From: 10/02/15

Top of Page

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

I read that Donald Trump's hotel chain may have experienced a data breach that may have exposed people's debit and credit card information to hackers for more than a year. When asked how he planned on fixing the situation, Trump was like, "I'm going to build a huge firewall."

Ben Carson continues to rise in the polls. But a lot of people think he's a little too laid back, or sleepy, to be president.

When asked about hurricane Joaquin this week and how he would prepare, he said, "uh. I don't know." Is he talking about a hurricane or did he just drink a hurricane?

More of Hillary Clinton's e-mails were just released, and one shows that she had made a list of talking points for a trip to L.A. in case she ran into Ellen DeGeneres, which is ironic because Bill does the same thing in case he runs into Hillary.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

I do think Donald Trump is honest in his own way. He is honestly an egomaniacal billionaire.

This this week in New Hampshire, Trump demonstrated he will not tolerate dishonesty from his opponents, like Jeb Bush and Marco Rubio. Mr. Trump, to answer your call for political honesty, you're not going to be president. It's been fun. It's been great. I love you!

Wed, 12/16/15

Joke #3380

From: 10/05/15

Top of Page

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Last week, the firefighters' union announced that it was no longer supporting Hillary for president. You know your campaign's in trouble when firefighters are like, “Even WE can't put out that many fires.”

In an interview with Al Sharpton, Hillary Clinton said Donald Trump just says whatever he needs in order to “stir up the passions of people.” Then Al Sharpton was like, “You know you're talking to ME, right?”

At a speech in Tennessee, Trump talked about his decision to run for president, and said, quote, “I didn't want to do this, I had to do this.” Then he was immediately sued by Jeb Bush for stealing his campaign slogan.

A new report found that Donald Trump is no longer the most liked candidate on Facebook, and Ben Carson now has the most likes with over 4 million. Yeah, you can tell Carson was pretty excited because when he found out he actually opened BOTH eyes.

The third movie in the “Thor” series is going to be called “Thor: Ragnarok.” Mainly because calling it “Thor Three” would give everyone a speech impediment. "Theriously?"

The Late Late Show with James Corden

The baseball playoffs start this week, and last week there was a baseball game in Arizona where some girls in the stands were taking so many selfies, it caught the attention of the commentators. These girls took about 20 pictures in 10 seconds at a baseball game. The guys who landed on the moon took like, three total pictures.

I can picture them coming home and their friends being like, "How was the game?" "Oh, it was so intense. Bottom of the ninth, I didn't think we were going to pull it off. My battery was at 3 percent but then Sarah found a charger."

More people have died taking selfies than have been killed by sharks. It is tragic, not only because you're dead, but because you'll never be able to see how many “likes” that picture got.

My policy is, you should treat selfies like you treat drinking. Try not to do it alone, definitely don't do it while you're driving, and if you take more than two or three a day, you should probably seek help.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

For the first time this primary season, a national poll has placed Dr. Ben Carson as the Republican front-runner. Carson was so excited about the news, his eyes almost opened.

Hillary Clinton said this weekend that the record turnout for Bernie Sanders' rallies is great for the Democratic Party. And it wasn't easy for her to say that, because at the time, she was biting a cinder block in half.

Donald Trump confirmed in an interview today that he operates his own Twitter account. However, his mouth and his brain are run by interns.

Republican presidential hopeful Chris Christie said this weekend that he would rather jump off the Brooklyn Bridge than be in Congress. And just to be safe, Mayor de Blasio issued a tsunami warning for Lower Manhattan.

Researchers have begun collecting data to develop a pill that will allow users to experience the benefits of exercise without having to work out. Said Americans, "So I have to get up, get a glass of water, unscrew the pill cap? No, thank you. Not interested."

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

Whole Foods will no longer sell products by prison inmates. Reform advocates say Whole Foods is profiting off of the sale of products prepared by inmates who aren't paid much. Prison labor? But everything at Whole Foods is supposed to be cage-free!

I can't believe this. The whole time, I thought Farmer Bob was making my goat cheese. Turns out, it was some guy named "Spider." Their motto, "Our cheese is aged 25-to-life."

Thu, 12/17/15

Joke #3381

From: 10/06/15
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page

Jimmy Kimmel Live

General Mills is recalling a number of Cheerios products because some boxes that were labeled gluten-free were not gluten-free. As a result, 1.8 million boxes of Cheerios and Honey Nut Cheerios are being removed from the shelves at stores. This sounds to me like the work of that evil dictator, Vladimir Gluten.

This does affect those people who are allergic to gluten and also those who pretend to be allergic to gluten. When someone's in a bad mood now, just ask, “Who put gluten in your Cheerios?”

It's Fashion Week in Paris and all of the latest fashions are on display. The new trend that's getting a lot of attention is something called human backpacks. This is the work of a designer named Rick Owens. It's people wearing other people. Gives a whole new meaning to the question, "Who are you wearing?"

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Dr. Ben Carson hosted a Facebook Q&A last night, and said the loss of gun rights is more devastating than seeing people die from gun violence. So if Ben Carson is your doctor, definitely get a second opinion.

Dr. Ben Carson spoke with Kanye West recently and said that he is “very impressed” with Kanye's knowledge of business. And Kanye said that he is very impressed with Kanye's knowledge of business.

McDonald's began serving all-day breakfast nationwide today. Great news for people who probably don't get a lot of great news.

Executives from Hasbro have announced that the Transformers movie franchise will get four more films in the next decade - unless their demands are met.

The author of the “Twilight” series has written a new gender-reversed version of her first novel with corrections to grammatical errors in the original books. Asked why she wrote it, she said, “I want more money and I have no more ideas.”

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

McDonald's began serving breakfast all day long. I hope you're with a loved one right now. I learned this alone. It's the sort of news that changes a man. The only reason I ever got up before 10:30 a.m. was to make it to the McDonald's breakfast deadline. If I didn't make it in time, what then?

I went out and saw the number one movie in America this weekend, "The Martian." It's the sci-fi thriller that takes place in the near future where - here's the twist - NASA has a budget.

I wasn't alone in loving it. It pulled in $100 million in its opening weekend. And $2 million of that was just from me buying popcorn and Junior Mints.

"The Martian" is expected to do particularly well when it launches in China. — This movie is a natural match for China. Because not only is the planet Mars red, I believe it has more oxygen than Beijing.

Fri, 12/18/15

Joke #3382

From: 10/06/15
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Congrats to Barack and Michelle Obama, who just celebrated their 23rd wedding anniversary. I guess that explains why this morning, Barack was seen running toward the Rose Garden with a vase and a pair of scissors. “Of course I remembered!”

Everybody's still talking about Donald Trump. A recent poll had voters describe Trump in one word, and a lot of them used the words “idiot,” “buffoon,” “clown,” and “jerk.” And those are the people voting for Trump.

Of course, they also used other words, like “Still,” “better,” “than” and “Jeb.”

Martin O'Malley, ex-governor of Maryland, is running for president. He's at 2 percent in the polls. He's been in the race eight months, and he's only tied with low-fat milk.

A lot of people think that when the Republican field clears it will come down to Jeb Bush and Donald Trump. Kind of like the race between the tortoise and the bad hair.

Republicans say the economy is bad. So bad, in New York over on Park Avenue, I saw a woman with real breasts and a fake Gucci bag.

Conan O'Brien

Yesterday Hillary Clinton criticized Donald Trump during an interview on Telemundo. Clinton knew if there was one place she could criticize Trump without him finding out about it, it's on Telemundo.

It's being reported that Donald Trump is mentioned on social media seven times more often than any other Republican candidate. And that's just by Donald Trump.

A controversial 1,200-year-old document has been found that shows evidence that Jesus was married. I don't believe it. What married guy gets to spend all his free time with his 12 buddies?

Bud Light has created a new device that alerts you when the beer supply in your fridge is running low. The device is known as your roommate Chad.

The Late Late Show with James Corden

There's been a lot of discussion lately about comfort animals - they provide emotional support to people who are dealing with anxiety. It's like medical marijuana on a leash.

A few months ago, a woman on a US Airways flight was famously kicked off the plane when her emotional support pig refused to stop squealing and defecated in the cabin. Yeah, honestly, pigs can fly.

The truth is, they already make a pig that comforts you. It's called bacon.

According to The New York Times, universities are receiving requests for guinea pigs, ferrets, lizards, and some of these students are even bringing tarantulas as comfort animals. Here's a rule that we should all follow: You can't have a comfort animal that is also a Halloween decoration.

Where is this going to end? I'll tell you. It never ends because eventually you're going to need a comfort hawk to feel at ease around your roommate's comfort tarantula.

Sat, 12/19/15

Joke #3383

From: 10/07/15

Top of Page

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Hillary Clinton's 68th birthday is coming up this month, and to celebrate, Hillary is planning to hold a big fundraiser here in New York City. You gotta give it to Hillary - she's the only grandmother who hears about a birthday and expects the checks to come to HER.

I read that Hillary's staff is starting to worry that her campaign still doesn't have an official theme. Then Hillary said, “Yes it does - revenge.”

A new study of the candidates' Facebook fans found that Donald Trump's fans have the worst grammar. Which isn't surprising, since Trump's whole campaign has been one, big run-on sentence. "We need to build a wall and fix the economy and get back at China and Rosie O'Donnell and I'm very rich and here's a red hat and..."

Vladimir Putin celebrated his 63rd birthday today. He had a nice party, but it got awkward when two of his friends got him the same country.

Scientists are getting close to creating the first-ever male birth control pill. They're not sure how the pill is gonna work, but if you're a guy and you get pregnant, it definitely DIDN'T work.

Conan O'Brien

Anthropologists have released more information about a recently discovered extinct human species. We're finding out all this really cool stuff. They say the species lived in trees, had brains the size of an orange, and plans to vote for Donald Trump for president.

Donald Trump recently said, "I'm going all the way and I'm going to win." And Mike Huckabee said, "I'm going some of the way, then I'll go home."

Democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders has a catch phrase. His catch phrase is "Feel the burn." Now he's being sued because that's Del Taco's slogan.

U.S. officials have been wondering why, according to photos, ISIS seems to have so many Toyotas. One clue seems to be ISIS's credo, "Fanatical about Islam, sensible about gas mileage."

Jimmy Kimmel Live

According to a Christian fellowship based in Sharon Hill, Pennsylvania, the world was supposed to end by fire on October 7, 2015, which is today. I don't know about you but for me the world ended when Zayn left One Direction.

Maybe they were right. Maybe the world did end. Maybe this is hell that we're in right now. Or worse, maybe this is heaven that we're in right now.

Members of the paparazzi were good enough to get photos of Justin Bieber walking around naked on vacation in Bora Bora, which sadly has overshadowed the news that Justin has a new tattoo he unveiled on Instagram yesterday.

Bieber had the word "Purpose" tattooed over his bellybutton, which of all the parts of the human body has the least purpose of all.

"Purpose" is reportedly the title of his next album. He has "Believe" on his forearm, an earlier album. Good news, looks like he's only got enough skin space or three or four more albums.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Former President Bill Clinton said yesterday that Donald Trump's campaign has a certain “macho appeal.” And then Trump said, “Whoever this Macho is, I want him deported.”

Donald Trump is reportedly planning new campaign events that will feature his wife, Melania. It's a good chance for Trump to connect with female voters, and a GREAT chance for Melania to escape.

The Vatican has announced that Pope Francis will visit Mexico next year. Now that he's met all the Catholics in America, he wants to see where they're from.

Crop experts in Illinois are reportedly concerned that there will not be a strong enough pumpkin crop to fill the demands of both Halloween and Thanksgiving. But don't worry, your pumpkin spice lattes will be fine because the CHEMICAL harvest was plentiful.

A new study found that cats that are shown affection by humans are healthier than those who aren't. While humans who are shown affection by cats don't exist.

Sun, 12/20/15

Joke #3384

From: 10/08/15

Top of Page

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

The race for president is really starting to get competitive, and Donald Trump recently said that he's actually getting ready to air his first campaign ads. Even the Geico lizard was like, "I think we already see enough of you on TV, mate."

Hillary Clinton continues to distance herself from the Obama administration. In fact, Hillary just came out against President Obama's Trans-Pacific Partnership Trade Agreement, also known as the TPP.

Which is weird, because when Obama asked Hillary if she was down with TPP, she said, "Yeah, you know me. A flip, flop, the flippy to the flippity, flip, flip, flip, flop, you don't stop . . ."

They're saying that Republican candidate Ben Carson made a number of serious mistakes as a neurosurgeon and even left a sponge in one patient's brain. When asked how it affected his life, the patient was like "It's fine, I'm still running for president. I don't care. Everything's great. It's gonna be huge."

Conan O'Brien

A California mom is being sued because her son told everyone at school that Santa Claus isn't real. Yeah. What makes the story even worse is that her son goes to UCLA. He's a physics major. He's 21.

California governor Jerry Brown signed a controversial new bill allowing assisted suicide. Yeah. Just in time for Lakers season.

Lexus has built a drivable car made of cardboard. Part of the new motto is, "Nothing can stop our cars except a light drizzle."

Ultimate fighting champion Ronda Rousey is mad at Justin Bieber because Bieber refused to take a picture with her little sister. Bieber's funeral is tomorrow.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

The Nobel Prize for literature was given out today. Tomorrow they award the Nobel Prize for Peace. Apparently the way they let a nominee know they won is they call them on the phone and say, "You won." A lot of the winners when they pick up the phone don't believe it; they think it's a prank call and they hang up. If I had any smart friends I'd call to tell them they won the Nobel Prize every single year, which is probably why I don't have smart friends.

There's an event company that specializes in fake weddings. Like the one Kim Kardashian had with that basketball player.

The idea is that many young people don't want to get married but they do want a wedding, so the company puts on a fake ceremony and a fake reception. It's great for people who don't want to get married but do want all the logistical hassle and cost of getting married.

I can't imagine writing "Will attend" on an RSVP for a fake wedding. There are already weddings for people who don't want to get married - they're called weddings.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

House Republicans announced a sudden postponement to the vote to elect John Boehner's replacement, after speakership front-runner Kevin McCarthy declared himself “unfit” for the job. Though I think he just got scared of how difficult that job must be when he found out that John Boehner is 31 years old.

Despite claiming last week that he would have rushed the Oregon shooter to save lives, Dr. Ben Carson yesterday recounted how he was once held up at gunpoint in a Popeye's Chicken and told the gunman, “I believe you want the guy behind the counter.” So we know at least one guy who's DEFINITELY not voting for Ben Carson.

Republican presidential hopeful John Kasich made fun of a young woman at a campaign event this week by calling on her for a question and saying, “I'm sorry, I don't have any Taylor Swift tickets.” This morning Taylor Swift announced that John Kasich is out of the squad.

Mon, 12/21/15

Joke #3385

From: 10/12/15

Top of Page

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Tonight was game three between the Mets and Dodgers right here at CitiField! But the big story is from Saturday, when Dodgers player Chase Utley slid into second base and injured Rubén Tejada from the Mets. Or as my prom date called it, “Still not the clumsiest attempt to get to second base.”

The new FBI drama “Blindspot” aired its fourth episode on NBC tonight and the creator is already teasing that episode 10 will have a big cliffhanger. Which is better than the USUAL NBC cliffhanger: 'Will this show still be on next week?”

Tyler Perry announced that he bought an army base in Atlanta and plans to turn it into a movie studio. And when they heard Madea was taking over an army base, ISIS immediately surrendered.

Mayor Bill de Blasio signed a bill last week that requires stores here in New York City to keep their doors closed when their air conditioning is on. So apparently Bill de Blasio is not only our Mayor, he's also our dad. "I'm not paying to cool off the whole world! SHUT THAT DOOR! Not in use? Turn off the juice!"

Late Night With Seth Meyers

It's Columbus Day. In honor of Christopher Columbus, I went to a grocery store and got lost looking for spices.

Dr. Ben Carson made news last week by saying that the holocaust could have been averted if European Jews had had guns. Though I'm pretty sure what he meant to say was, “I don't want to be president.”

North Korea this weekend held a military parade celebrating the 70th anniversary of their communist party. People who attended the parade called it “amazing” and “mandatory.”

The White House yesterday released First Lady Michelle Obama's Spotify playlist, which features Beyonce, Demi Lovato and Esperanza Spalding. While Joe Biden's playlist is just, “Now That's What I Call Train Sounds: Volume 12.”

A 22 year old Connecticut man has been sentenced to a year in prison for calling in fake emergencies which led to false deployments of SWAT teams. Said the man, “I get one phone call, right?”

Tue, 12/22/15

Joke #3386

From: 10/13/15

Top of Page

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Tonight was the first Democratic debate on CNN. And get this, they actually had an extra podium ready in case Joe Biden decided he'd join the race. Which backfired when before the debate even started people were like, “Could we just vote for the empty podium?”

One of Bernie Sanders' campaign advisers said they wanted him to tone down his yelling at tonight's debate. You could tell he was yelling too much because I had to keep turning the volume UP to hear the commercials.

Trump didn't have too many nice things to say about the Democratic debate. In fact, he said he thinks people would turn on the Democratic debate for a few minutes and then fall asleep. Then CNN was like, “Hey, that still counts! Ratings are ratings! Just leave it on! We don't care.”

A new analysis of recent political speeches found that George W. Bush actually used longer and more complex words in his speeches than President Obama does. Granted none of those words were actually in the dictionary. “Don't be condescencious. My vocablulation is completely misunderestimated.”

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Tonight on CNN was the mildly anticipated first debate between the Democratic candidates. If you were in Vegas tonight you get to see Elton John, Donny and Marie, the Judds, or you can go and see the presidential debate. There's really something for everyone.

CNN has been running a countdown clock to this debate for days now. They got a huge audience for the Republican debate because of Donald Trump but this one doesn't have a Donald Trump. This one has Bernie Sanders who looks like he's on the verge of being alive. So they had to find a way to drum up excitement.

They were keeping a spare podium open for Joe Biden in case he decided to enter the race at the last minute, as if he's going to walk in and shock everyone like a Spanish soap opera or something.

You can't just leave an empty podium with a mic on stage like that. That's like an open invitation to Kanye West to jump on stage.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

CNN kept an extra podium set aside at tonight's Democratic debate in case Vice President Joe Biden had decided to announce his candidacy, and now the empty podium is pulling ahead of Martin O'Malley.

Donald Trump asked a young man who appeared to be Asian-American if he was from South Korea, to which the man replied, "I was born in Texas." Trump was so embarrassed that his face turned red 20 years ago.

Trump also said yesterday that as a politician, you have to get along with everybody. And then he retired from politics.

Playboy magazine is going to stop publishing nude photos of women starting next year. So now if you want to see a naked woman you'll have to go to HBO, Showtime, Cinemax, the Internet, Burning Man, a PETA protest, perfume ads, or ESPN The Magazine.

A restaurant in New York has launched a new promotion that will award a customer a 10 percent ownership stake if they manage to finish a 30-pound burrito and a margarita in an hour or less. The 10 percent you'll own will be the bathroom.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

I'm sure many of you watched the first Democratic presidential debate over on CNN. CNN released where the candidates would be standing on the stage. Hillary Clinton was in the center. Bernie Sanders was on her right, making it the first time in history he's been to the right of anyone.

Then there are the three other candidates: Governor Martin O'Malley, Senator Jim Webb and Governor Lincoln Chafee. Little-known fact about Lincoln Chafee: Anything.

Wed, 12/23/15

Joke #3387

From: 10/14/15

Top of Page

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

After speculation that he may enter at the last minute, Joe Biden ended up not coming. Biden said he thought about showing up, but at the end of the day, his head was stuck in a banister.

Sheryl Crow performed the National Anthem at last night's debate, but it looked like Martin O'Malley was the only one actually singing along. In fairness, there's nothing more American than just PRETENDING you know the National Anthem.

It was a big night for Bernie Sanders. He talked about his views on war, and said that he strongly opposed it when he was a young man. Even crazier, he was talking about the TROJAN War.

Moderator Anderson Cooper asked Lincoln Chafee why he switched parties from being a Republican, and Chafee called himself a “block of granite.” When asked what he meant by that, Chafee said, “I meant that I'd make a better countertop than president.”

The company that makes Budweiser is merging with Miller. Yeah, that's a lot of beer, in fact the next morning they looked at each other and went, “Wait, we didn't...Did we MERGE last night??”

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Turned out it was the highest-rated debate for the Democrats ever. More than 15 million people tuned in to watch Hillary Clinton, Bernie Sanders, and the three high school principals they invited to fill out the stage.

Most of the experts, they rate these things afterwards. Most of the experts thought Hillary won the debate, although some said Bernie Sanders won. No one said any of the others won, not even them.

Sanders supporters pointed to the fact that Bernie was the most googled of all the candidates during the debate. Sounds like a big thing until you realize the top questions they googled included, who is Bernie Sanders? And, is Bernie Sanders Jewish?

Anderson cooper tried to make a case that Bernie Sanders isn't electable because he calls himself a socialist. I think that's the least of his problems. I think he isn't electable because he calls himself Bernie.

Donald Trump was live tweeting the debate last night. This morning he told ABC News he thought Clinton got through it "fine." Which is the highest compliment he can give a woman without marrying her.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Sheryl Crow performed the National Anthem before last night's debate, but many Twitter users were unhappy with her performance. Mostly because they thought the National Anthem was Uptown Funk.

During the debate, the candidates mentioned the middle class eleven times. Once for each remaining member of the middle class.

Today is National Take Your Parents to Lunch Day. Or as it's also known, National Apologize to the Waiter Day.

Police in New Jersey have announced that they have seized more than 11 pounds of cocaine someone tried to ship through the mail. Authorities became suspicious when the mailman left a note saying he attempted delivery at 9:30, 9:41, 9:52, 10:07, 10:20, 10:27.

Photos surfacing this week show a Chinese airline hazing ritual in which new female flight attendants are expected to fit inside the overheard compartments. It's similar to another hazing ritual in which an average American passenger is expected to fit into a middle seat.

Thu, 12/24/15

Joke #3388

From: 10/15/15

Top of Page

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Now that the dust has settled from the Democratic debate, it looks like Hillary Clinton is going to remain the Democratic front-runner. And believe it or not over on the Republican side, Donald Trump is still in the lead. And now Trump is saying that he should be given Secret Service protection. As opposed to his current security: having Gary Busey follow him around with some nunchucks.

A study found that one of the most popular searches during the debate was, “Is Bernie Sanders Jewish?” While the most popular response on Google was, “Come on.”

Analysts are saying that Joe Biden was actually the biggest loser in the debate, and that he missed his chance to enter the race. Yeah, they said entering now would be awkward and inappropriate - or as Biden put it, “Those are my two middle names! I'm in!”

New research shows that China has a bigger middle class than America, and more people in China are living what we would call the “American Dream.” That's when you know things are bad - when even the American DREAM is made in China.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Today we have what they call the great shakeout. It's an emergency earthquake drill. It's a worldwide thing. They say 22 million people participated in it today. Do you know what to do if there is an earthquake? First thing you do is tweet it. Then you got to Instagram, then Facebook. And then, you get under a desk. If you feel the ground start to move, go under a table and do yoga. Those are also my instructions for lovemaking, by the way.

The best way to survive an earthquake is to move to a place that doesn't ever have them. But if the big one does hit, don't run. If there's an earthquake, try to contact your nearest Dwayne Johnson. And he will help you, he will save you.

Starbucks is adding a new feature to their drive-through locations, video screens. So that way you can see the person misspell your name on the cup while it's happening. Video screens will be added to 2,400 Starbucks which I think is how many we have on this block.

Democratic presidential hopeful Bernie Sanders was on "Ellen" today. A lot of people, myself included, said Bernie Sanders doesn't have the style or the charisma to be president. But he came out dancing on "Ellen." I think we owe him an apology.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

CNN's Wolf Blitzer told Democratic presidential hopeful Lincoln Chafee yesterday that he is going to wind up looking silly if he stays in the race. And let's face it, also if he doesn't. Chafee then told Blitzer that he'll remain in the race as long as he can continue to raise important issues. And you know he's got a point. I mean, literally, he's got one point.

Donald Trump is reportedly threatening to pull out of the next GOP debate unless CNBC reinstates opening and closing statements. And Lincoln Chafee is threatening to pull out of the next Democratic debate if there are going to be questions.

This week was Earth Science week. It's the week you have to celebrate if you aren't smart enough for bio or chemistry week.

Donald Trump's son said in an interview last night that everything his dad has ever touched has turned to gold. Well, not everything. Jeb's still waiting to turn to gold.

U.S. Airways will make its final flight tomorrow before it becomes a part of American Airlines on Saturday. Wait, I'm sorry, no, it's been delayed until next week. And now it's cancelled.

Fri, 12/25/15

Joke #3389

From: 10/16/15

Top of Page

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Jeb Bush's campaign announced yesterday that it raised over $13 million last quarter, which means it's doing better than most of the other major campaigns. Or as Jeb put it, “Crap. What do I gotta do to lose this thing?!"

Actually, I saw that Jeb Bush's campaign has been staying at cheaper hotels to save money. Which would make Jeb the first politician ever to book a room at a cheap motel just to sleep.

At the debate on Tuesday Democratic candidate Lincoln Chafee bragged about the fact that in 30 years of public service, he's never had one scandal. Well, it just came out that Chafee once used taxpayer money to buy frogs for his office aquarium. People said, “Well at least it wasn't a sex scandal.” And Chafee said, 'Riiiight—

Tom Brady just did an interview where he called Coca-Cola “poison for kids” and said he didn't think Frosted Flakes is actually food. That story again: Do NOT go trick-or-treating at Tom Brady's house! “Who wants some raisins and toothbrushes?!”

Sat, 12/26/15

Joke #3390

From: 10/19/15

Top of Page

Conan O'Brien

Jeb Bush's campaign has a contest now where someone will be flown to Houston to meet him, his dad, and his brother. No word on what the winner gets.

While accepting the Mark Twain Prize for American Humor, Eddie Murphy did a Bill Cosby impression. Murphy's Cosby impression was so accurate, nine women are suing him.

Donald Trump is now saying that his immigration policies would have prevented 9/11. Trump is also claiming his hair would have kept the Titanic afloat.

A high school student hacked the AOL email account of John Brennan, the director of the CIA. In other words, the student correctly guessed that the password of anyone still using AOL is "password."

Oprah Winfrey is buying a 10 percent stake in Weight Watchers. Oprah's financial advisor asked her if she wanted to buy a large stake and Oprah said, "Oh, yeah!"

Volkswagen may be forced to buy back all the cars that failed to properly pass their emissions tests. Volkswagen officials say that's fine - because they plan to resell them as rock concert smoke machines.

Sun, 12/27/15

Joke #3391

From: 10/20/15

Top of Page

Conan O'Brien

In New York, a 100-year-old woman still works 11 hours a day, six days a week. The bad news is, she's a stripper. She doesn't dance to "Cherry Pie," she gives you the recipe for it.

Donald Trump is now trying to appeal to Southerners. Yeah, he's been touring the South and pointing to his hair, saying "How y'all like my critter?"

The trailer for the new "Star Wars" movie made its debut last night during Monday Night Football. "Star Wars" fans called it a titillating glimpse into the new franchise, while football fans called it the stupidest beer commercial they've ever seen.

The new "Star Wars" trailer was released during Monday Night Football and today, all the "Star Wars" fans are asking "Where's Luke?" and "Why is Leia crying?" "Star Wars" fans are also asking, "What's a football?"

Canada's new Prime Minister, Justin Trudeau, once put on a striptease show for charity. In Canada, a strip tease just means unzipping your outer layer of fleece.

Canada elected a new Prime Minister named Justin Trudeau, and many consider the guy a heartthrob. The good news is, any Canadian heartthrob named Justin is sure to be popular forever.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Tonight from Wrigley Field in Chicago, game three between the Mets and the Cubs. The Mets have not won a world series since 1986. The cubs have not won since 1908. Two perennial losers. It's like Rocky fighting Sea Biscuit.

Donald Trump was supposed to be here tonight. Last night his people called, and canceled on us and were cryptic as to why he canceled. They said he had a major political commitment but wanted me to relay the message to you that if he had been here, he would have been great.

I'm dying to find out what this major political commitment was. Usually that means he had to go on CNN and call someone an idiot.

Don't worry. Tonight we're going to give everyone in the audience basketball dipped in cologne so you can fully experience what it would have been like had Donald Trump been here.

Mon, 12/28/15

Joke #3392

From: 10/21/15

Top of Page

Conan O'Brien

At the White House the other day, President Obama sang to Usher. And because the president was singing, Usher went to the Situation Room and approved a drone strike in Syria.

The Cubs are on the verge of being eliminated from the National League playoffs. Cubs fans haven't been this disappointed since every moment of their lives.

Bernie Sanders praised Joe Biden's decision not to run. Sanders said, "There's only room for one goofy old dude."

Today is "Back to the Future" Day. It's the day Marty McFly traveled forward in time only to find out the most important thing to people in 2015 is movies from the '80s.

The University of Louisville is being accused of luring basketball recruits to the school with strippers and prostitutes. To be fair, college ball is supposed to prepare them for life in the NBA.

Joe Biden announced he is not running for president. And so, as promised, Hillary Clinton immediately released his dog.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

After a lot of speculation, Vice President Joe Biden today announced that he is not running for president of the United States. He made the announcement this afternoon from the Rose Garden at the White House. It's weird to hold a press conference to say you're not doing something, right? Like announcing to your girlfriend that you won't be proposing.

Biden said the window is closed on a presidential campaign, which is true. The election is only 13 months away. There's barely enough time to put a suit on.

Tue, 12/29/15

Joke #3393

From: 10/22/15

Top of Page

Conan O'Brien

I don't know if anybody was watching the Benghazi hearings. They were going all day. There was one moment when a representative told Hillary Clinton he could wait while she read her notes. She said, “I can do more than one thing at a time.” Then Bill Clinton said, "When I say that, I get in trouble."

The Chinese community, the Communist Party has banned gluttony, excessive drinking and adultery. Now hey, if you guys don't want American tourists, just say so!

Scientists are reportedly testing a new anti-aging drug that could lengthen the lives of dogs. Wouldn't that be great? And even better, shorten the lives of cats.

Yesterday, the Chicago Cubs were knocked out of the baseball playoffs. Just swept, knocked out. Or as it's known in Chicago, the first sign of winter. That's how they know. It's right up there with the first frost.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

I'm really getting into the Brooklyn lifestyle. I've been double parking in bike lanes. I started pickling vegetables in my hotel room. We're in for quite a night at the opera house.

The unthinkable has happened, the Mets are going to the World Series. Last night, a four-game sweep of the Chicago Cubs. Mets haven't won a World Series since 1986. The world was a lot different in 1986. We thought "Crocodile Dundee" was a good movie.

It's really great to be back in Brooklyn. It's a big adjustment from L.A. I'll tell you one thing, people cross the street here whenever they want to and it's weird. In L.A., we wait for the light. It's a little bit of a culture shock. Last night, my wife and I were waiting at the crosswalk and the light was red, but even though there was no traffic, we just stood there waiting for permission to move. Then I decided, you know what? We're just going to cross. And we did. I'll tell you something, I've never felt more in command of my life.

Wed, 12/30/15

Joke #3394

From: 10/26/15
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page

Jimmy Kimmel Live

According to a new report from the World Health Organization, bacon, sausage, hot dogs and others processed meats significantly increase your chance of getting cancer, which is an ugly way of saying I'm probably going to die doing what I love. I guess the point is some things in life are worth dying for. And bacon is right at the top of those things.

A new poll conducted by the Associated Press shows a majority of Republican voters think Donald Trump is the most electable Republican candidate. Saying Donald Trump is the most electable candidate is like saying glazed is the healthiest doughnut. Is it possible people don't know what the word electable means? Do they think it means delicious?

Meanwhile, Jeb Bush is trying to get momentum going by releasing a new book. It's a collection of emails he sent and received when he was governor of Florida. The book is called "Reply all." Because nothing gets people excited like group email.

In addition to the book, Jeb is launching the "Jeb can fix it" tour. Their new slogan: "Jeb can fix it." Fix the election? That might be his only hope.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

The New York Mets are in the World Series! Which means a lot of New Yorkers are going to stand in front of a mirror today and practice saying, “I've ALWAYS had this hat.”

Happy birthday to Hillary Clinton, who turned 68 today. It was the first time anyone has ever blown out the candles on a birthday cake and NOBODY wondered what they wished for.

Following Joe Biden's announcement that he will not run for office in 2016, Hillary Clinton said she is “confident that history isn't finished with Joe Biden.” Adding, “But I am! HA-HA!”

Former President Bill Clinton served as the warm-up act for pop star Katy Perry at a rally for Hillary's presidential campaign. Then he stood in the audience and yelled out, “Sing that one about you kissing another girl!”

Donald Trump said in an interview this weekend that Iraq is the “Harvard of terrorism.” And he's got a point: The only reason George W. Bush got into Iraq is because his dad went there.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

I took the week off and spent it doing what I truly love. I grilled, I sautéed, I made a warm gingerbread cake smothered with a caramelized apple compote with a side of cinnamon whipped cream. It really put me on the couch. Food like that is why they call this season fall instead of stand.

More good news for Hillary Clinton - Joe Biden is not running for president. As a voter I'm sad to lose Joe Biden but I can understand. Being a candidate sucks. It's an ugly, nasty battle with a single bloody survivor. It's like the hunger games. No, it's more than that. It's the hungry-for-power games!

Researchers somewhere studied 75 brands of hot dogs and found some of them contained human DNA ... I guess my bologna really does have a first name.

Thu, 12/31/15

Joke #3395

From: 10/26/15
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

You may have heard I had yet another mishap. This time I injured my other hand right after getting an award from Harvard. Even when I get into Harvard, I still embarrass my parents.

Happy birthday to Hillary Clinton, who turned 68 today. When asked what her favorite gift was, she said, "Donald Trump."

Joe Biden announced that he will not be running for president. He made the announcement with President Obama right by his side, and you could tell it was an emotional moment because at one point, Obama actually gave Biden a shoulder rub.

Last week Democratic candidates Lincoln Chafee and Jim Webb announced that they are dropping out of the race. Which raises the question, what if two trees fall in the forest and there's nobody there to hear it?

Conan O'Brien

A comedian has been elected president of Guatemala. Apparently, I start next Monday.

Analysts say Bernie Sanders has shifted his focus to more aggressive attacks on Hillary Clinton. In fact, Sanders is planning to go after her emails as soon as his granddaughter explains to him what an "email" is.

During a town hall meeting, Donald Trump was asked by Matt Lauer if he is nice enough to be president. Trump answered, "Of course I'm nice enough, baldy."

One of the top Halloween costumes this year is Donald Trump. Which is why this year, the phrase "trick-or-treat" has been replaced with "gimme a Kit Kat or I'll deport you."

On "60 Minutes," Vice President Joe Biden said he chose not to run for president because he couldn't win. After hearing this, Bobby Jindal said, "Since when is that a reason not to run?"

Ben Carson now holds a 14-point lead over Donald Trump in Iowa. Experts say Carson appeals to Iowa's conservatives, Iowa's evangelicals, and both of Iowa's black people.

The Late Late Show with James Corden

We are only two weeks away from being one year away from the presidential election. It's starting to get exciting.

All the candidates are trying to reinvent themselves, but sometimes they try a little too hard. Jeb Bush last week tried to appeal to a younger, hipper audience when he called "Supergirl" pretty hot. Jeb Bush calling "Supergirl" pretty hot is something your stepdad says when he's trying to connect with you.

Ben Carson tried to kill one of his friends with a camping knife, but sure, let's keep talking about whether Hillary Clinton used Yahoo or Gmail.

Some politicians attack people with words. Not Ben Carson. He uses knives and hammers. Hammers, plural. Let's not forget this man is a brain surgeon. Ben Carson would be amazing at the game "two truths and a lie." He's like, "I'm one of the world's best brain surgeons, I stabbed my friend with a camping knife, and my favorite flavor is vanilla. Got you - it's strawberry!"

Fri, 01/01/16

Joke #3396

From: 10/27/15
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page

Jimmy Kimmel Live

As you know, Saturday is Halloween. You'd better get ready. I feel like Facebook and Instagram have added a lot of pressure making sure your kid has a good Halloween costume.

When I was a kid I was the wolf man every year. Every year I would put on a flannel shirt and glue some hair to my face and I was the wolf man. Now you can't get away with that. Nowadays you let your kid wear the same costume seven years in a row you will get a visit from Child Protective Services.

Dr. Ben Carson, for the first time ever, leads Donald Trump in a new national poll. According to the new CBS News/New York Times poll, Carson at 26 percent, Trump is in second place with 22 percent. Jeb Bush only has 7 percent. Jeb Bush has officially become the most embarrassing member of the Bush family, even below Billy Bush.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

In response to his drop to second in the polls, Donald Trump said today that he will run until the very end and does not mind running from behind. Trump says he knows what it's like to be the underdog, because he wears one on his head.

President Obama gave a speech in Chicago this afternoon and told police they have “work to do to restore trust” in minority communities. It was going pretty well, but halfway through the speech, Obama got pulled over.

Former President George W. Bush yesterday spoke to voters on his brother's behalf, and told them “one reason Jeb is going to win is because he's a fierce competitor.” Adding, “And one reason he's going to lose is because of me."

The U.S. Air Force announced today their new model of stealth bomber will cost half a billion dollars each. And, even worse, it uses a different charger than the old model.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

A shocking investigation has found that after testing 75 brands of hot dogs, 2 percent of them contained human DNA. Some of those hot dogs are actually hot Dougs.

The report doesn't specify the source of the human DNA. Is it hair? Is it fingernails? Did a lonely factory worker stay late one night and seduce a sausage casing machine? Could your pig in a blanket have a bun in the oven? This news completely changes America's love affair with the all-beef frank. Or should I say the all-Frank beef?

Sat, 01/02/16

Joke #3397

From: 10/27/15
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Both the World Series and the new NBA season started tonight. Or as most people put it, "Damn, there's no football on."

New York has a team in the World Series and Donald Trump is no longer ahead in the polls - I think we're back to normal, everyone!

Paul Ryan finally agreed to run for Speaker of the House even though he's repeatedly said he didn't want to run. So basically, Paul Ryan is that guy at karaoke who just pretends like he doesn't want to sing.

Some good news for people who are making holiday travel plans: American Airlines just announced that it will start offering “no-frills” tickets that don't cost as much. The discounted tickets eliminate previously free services such as snacks, seat selection, or destination selection. “Oh, you wanted the East Coast of THIS country?"

A biscuit that survived the sinking of the Titanic begs the question: Why didn't they make the entire ship out of those biscuits? The biscuits should be made out of the ship - the ship should be made out of the biscuits!

Conan O'Brien

One of the top political Halloween costumes this year is Donald Trump. Meanwhile, even Jeb Bush doesn't want to go out dressed as Jeb Bush.

There is a new app that will tell you before you buy a house if there was ever a meth lab in it. All the app does is ask, "Is the house in Florida?"

Russia is making plans to send four monkeys to Mars. Not as preparation for a human mission - but because the monkeys criticized Vladimir Putin.

Chris Christie was kicked out of the Amtrak quiet car for making too much noise. Christie said it wasn't him that was making the noise, it was his eight-pound block of peanut brittle.

A cracker that survived the sinking of the Titanic sold today for $23,000. Experts say the 100-year-old Titanic cracker pairs very well with any hot dog from 7-Eleven.

The Late Late Show with James Corden

There is a new innovation poised to change life as we know it. Domino's Pizza has invented a delivery car with a pizza oven built inside of it.

It's an oven in a car. You realize what this means, right? It means Xzibit from "Pimp My Ride" got a job at Domino's.

This isn't all they're doing. They've recently launched a promotion where you can order a pizza just by texting them a pizza emoji. I heard that Taco Bell going to have an emoji delivery promotion also. It's a little different. You text them a taco and then a toilet and fire.

Walmart just announced that they are testing drones to deliver merchandise directly to your house. So finally you can buy Pampers, a case of Slim Jims, and a shotgun all without leaving the comfort of your mobile home.

Sun, 01/03/16

Joke #3398

From: 10/28/15
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Did you see that baseball game last night? 14 innings. It was the second-longest game in World Series history, it was brutal. I'm exhausted. My wife said to me this morning, “You realize you're exhausted from watching other men play sports?”

That game last night was longer than a voice mail from your mother.

There are a million people in New York and Kansas City sleeping on their desks today. A baseball game should never be longer than the Ken Burns documentary about baseball.

Meanwhile, the other big competition from Boulder, Colorado, another Republican presidential debate on CNBC. Do we learn anything from these debates? The only thing voters might learn is CNBC is a channel.

The two front-runners: Ben Carson, who doesn't believe in evolution; and Donald Trump, who kind of proves his point.

Yesterday, Donald Trump told the crowd in Iowa, "I am a great Christian." If you have to tell people you're a great Christian, you might not be a great Christian. Jesus said it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich person to enter the kingdom of God. Which is why Donald Trump is now currently working on plans to build an enormous needle.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

After falling behind Dr. Ben Carson in polls, Donald Trump said yesterday, “I don't like being second. Second is terrible to me.” “Hey, believe me, third is even worse,” said Melania.

Donald Trump said yesterday to supporters, “If I lose Iowa, I will never speak to you people again.” He added, “But if I win, I will never speak to you people again.”

Walgreens announced a deal yesterday to buy rival drugstore chain Rite-Aid in a deal worth over $17 billion. Which is horrible news for people currently holding two separate Xanax prescriptions.

A Georgia man this week was arrested after shattering the glass door of a Waffle House when he was charged 50 cents more than he expected for a sausage biscuit. Of course drugs are suspected, since he had the strength to break a window after eating at a Waffle House.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

Like a lot of New Yorkers, I am a little tired and pissed off this morning. I'm guessing a lot of you flipped over from the third Republican debate. I don't know what happened yet because we taped this at 5:30, but I am super excited about the brand new Republican front-runner, retired neurosurgeon and current tired person Ben Carson.

It's been a great time for him. This surgeon is surging in the polls, 26 percent, ahead of Donald Trump's 22 percent. The other 52 percent, of course, is going to the other 52 candidates.

Carson's strongest support comes from evangelical Christians, a group that Donald Trump has had real trouble with, evidently. People who read the Bible just don't want to follow someone who looks that much like a golden calf.

I haven't been able to watch tonight's Republican debate yet, but I'm excited to see the face-off between the party's biggest opponents: Carson and staying awake.

Mon, 01/04/16

Joke #3399

From: 10/28/15
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

It's the World Series between the Mets and the Royals. Man, last night was a crazy game. And if you missed it, don't worry because they're re-releasing it in a 12-DVD boxed set. It was a long one!

Last night, the Mets' Bartolo Colon became the oldest pitcher to lose a World Series game. You can tell he's old, because when the manager came out to talk to him, he was just happy to have a visitor. “Are you one of my grandkids?”

A Canadian burger chain is now offering hamburgers stuffed with Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. So to answer your question: Yes, there IS a wrong way to eat a Reese's.

Conan O'Brien

On Monday, former heavyweight champ Mike Tyson endorsed Donald Trump. Tyson joins Trump's biggest group of supporters: "People Who Have Been Hit in the Head a Lot."

Tonight's Republican debate took place in Colorado, where marijuana is legal. Which explains why every single question from the audience was, "Where am I?"

A new study just came out that shows decreasing the amount of sugar in obese children's diet improves their health within 10 days. The study was conducted by a bunch of jerks trying to ruin Halloween.

Tonight is game two of the World Series. They might have to cancel it, though - apparently they're still playing game one.

The math skills of American students have dropped for the first time since 1990. Or as American math students put it, "Since eight years ago."

Tonight was the World Series and the Republican debate. In other words, two events with completely different attitudes toward Latino immigrants.

The Late Late Show with James Corden

Earlier this week Donald received the endorsement of one of America's great political minds. Remember, Mike Tyson once bit a man's ear off on national television - and endorsing Donald Trump is the craziest thing he has ever done.

The only acceptable time to take advice from a man with a face tattoo is if you're wondering how to hide a body.

But Tyson isn't the only celebrity endorsing Trump. He's also been endorsed by Kirstie Alley, Gary Busey, Dennis Rodman, and Hulk Hogan, which sounds like a season of "Celebrity Apprentice."

Republican candidate Mike Huckabee has earned endorsements from several members of the Duggar family. And that is a smart political move, since nearly 40 percent of Republican voters are actually members of the Duggar family.

Some candidates, like Democratic candidate Martin O'Malley, are having trouble getting celebrities on their bandwagon. We here at "The Late Late Show" are open to supporting you, Martin O'Malley, but first we have a couple questions. Question 1: Who are you? Question 2 . . . That is really the only question we have.

Bernie Sanders has received an endorsement from Justin Long, the actor who famously played a "Mac" in those old Apple commercials. The endorsement meant so much to Bernie, he's thinking of switching over to a Mac from his current computer, a yellow legal pad.

Tue, 01/05/16

Joke #3400

From: 10/29/15

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Halloween is just a couple days away. Everybody's getting in the spirit. In fact last night, I watched TWO scary movies: the Republican debate and the Mets game. (I'll be having nightmares for WEEKS!)

Carly Fiorina said that after the previous debate, people told her that she needed to smile more. They were like, "Just pretend you're laying off a bunch of people."

In his closing comments, Rand Paul said that he is running to create a government so small that you can barely see it. Paul said it would be modeled after his presidential campaign.

It was announced that China officially ended its one-child policy this week, and will allow parents to have two children. Over the next few nights, the only thing that will be “made in China” is love. In bed.

There are reports that a movie is in the works based on the game Monopoly. They say the movie will be just like the game because it's four hours long and it ends with your family fighting.

Conan O'Brien

This Saturday is Halloween and a lot of people this year are going as presidential candidates. However, I'm not sure I want to see a slutty Mike Huckabee.

China announced it is going to start allowing couples to have more than one child. Which means nine months from now, Apple's work force in China will double.

During last night's debate, Donald Trump said he would feel more comfortable if his own employees brought firearms to work. When they heard that, many of Trump's Hispanic employees said, "No problemo."

For Halloween, Google Maps has created a Street View tour of the world's scariest locations. The scariest locations include a haunted castle in Scotland, a graveyard in Transylvania, and the bathroom of a Del Taco.

Analysts are saying that after last night's dismal performance at the debate, Jeb Bush's donors are in "full panic mode." Apparently, last night Jeb Bush called his two biggest donors and said, "Calm down, Mom and Dad."

Amazon is considering starting its own clothing line. Which is strange, because what's great about shopping on Amazon is not having to wear clothes.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Last night in Colorado the Republican candidates for president gathered to debate. It was the most-watched program in CNBC history. Mostly people watched to get ideas for Halloween costumes.

Jeb Bush had a very rough night last night. He finally got time to say what he wanted, and how did he use it? He attacks not Donald Trump, not Hillary Clinton or Ben Carson. Of all people, he attacks Marco Rubio for missing votes in the Senate. Which is something that literally no one outside of Florida cares about. It was embarrassing. And it's just like a Bush to attack the wrong guy, it really is.

The worst of memorable moments: We learned Donald Trump carries a gun. He told the group he carries a concealed weapon, conceals it in his hair.

The front-runner Dr. Ben Carson, in his closing statement, said one thing he's noticed on the campaign trail that is people are waking up. And we're hoping that eventually he will also wake up.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

The third Republican debate was held last night, and RNC Chairman Reince Priebus said he was extremely disappointed with the coverage. And he understands disappointment, because his parents named him Reince Priebus.

A new survey from Bank of America and USA Today found that 39 percent of millennials are chronically stressed because of money. And the other 61 percent are monetarily stressed because of chronic.

China has revised its one child per family rule. It will now allow parents to have two children. Chinese parents were so excited, they let their kids have the day off of work.

Apple is reportedly working on a new protection system that will reduce the number of iPhones with cracked screens. The system is called "Alcoholics Anonymous."

"Star Wars" creator George Lucas has gotten approval to build a 300,000-square-foot museum in Chicago. And if you think that sounds exciting, just wait until you've tried sex.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

If you have not chosen a costume by now, that means you are that much closer to being that guy at the party trying to pass off your shower cap and bath robe as a costume. That is not a costume. That is unemployed.

Here is a quick costume idea you can make with things just lying around. You can find these in your bathroom. Just stick a toilet plunger on your forehead, and then put a toilet seat around your neck, and say you are a narwhal breaking through the ice.

Did you guys watch the debate on CNBC last night? In some ways it was impressive. It managed to thread the needle between confusing and boring.

But if I'm going to talk about the debate, it's now or never. Though never is a tempting option.

In fact, when I interviewed for this job, I said my biggest weakness was sometimes I work so hard I forget to cash my paychecks.