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Joke of the Day

Day # Range: 3351 - 3375

Date Range: 08/26/15 - 09/29/15

Tue, 09/29/15

Joke #3351

From: 08/26/15

Conan O'Brien

Today is a special day. Today is women's equality day. Donald Trump calls it, that time of the year again.

At a press conference yesterday, Donald Trump kicked out a Latino reporter but the man returned a few minutes later. Yeah, so already Trump's deportation plan isn't working.

Right now in the U.S. the most popular name for baby girls is Emma. The least popular names are Ashley and Madison.

It has come out that 100 ESPN employees were on the adultery website Ashley Madison. In other words, infidelity has finally entered the world of sports.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Today is national dog day. Dogs as you're probably aware were widely considered to be man's best friend, until 2007 when the iPhone was invented to replace it.

Donald Trump presided over a rally in Dubuc, Iowa, where he touted his strong skills as a negotiator and showed off his considerable skills as an impressionist. I don't know if Donald Trump will make America great again but he has certainly made CNN great again.

Donald Trump got into it with a well-respected Spanish language news anchor, Jorge Ramos from Univision, who made Donald upset whenhe tried to ask a question. "Go back to Univision," he said as he kicked him out of the place. He's not even president yet and he's already kicking Mexicans out.

Wed, 09/30/15

Joke #3352

From: 08/27/15

Top of Page

Jimmy Kimmel Live

All the new polls indicate that Donald Trump is getting more popular every day. Apparently his inspiring riches to riches story is really resonating with everyday Americans.

Right now members of the Republican National Committee are essentially the scientists in a movie realizing their creation has escaped from the lab.

Even though Trump is on top, 54 percent of voters, don't believe he's trustworthy or honest. If Donald Trump is dishonest, what's he going to say when he starts being honest?

They did a nationwide survey that found that when voters think of Donald Trump, the most common word that comes to mind is "Arrogant." When the same voters think of Hillary Clinton, the most common word they use is "Liar." When they think of Jeb Bush, the first word that comes to mind is "Bush." Voters don't even care enough about Jeb Bush to come up with a word to describe him.

Thu, 10/01/15

Joke #3353

From: 08/31/15

Top of Page

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Last night was the VMAs over on MTV, and Taylor Swift presented Kanye West with the Michael Jackson Video Vanguard Award. But there was little bit of a tense moment when Kanye West took the mic and said the award should have been given to Kanye West. It's you. Don't start this.

At the end of his speech, Kanye West announced that he's running for president in 2020. He announced he's running for president after smoking a bunch of weed. Then Obama was like, 'Been there!'

Trump is doing pretty well in the polls right now, and he's pretty confident. Which may be why he's said he doesn't plan on running campaign ads that attack the other candidates. When asked who the ads would attack instead, he said "Their mothers! It's their fault those losers are here to begin with!"

According to a new poll, Hillary Clinton has lost a third of her supporters in Iowa since May. There's still debate as to whether she lost them or just deleted them from her database.

Fri, 10/02/15

Joke #3354

From: 09/01/15

Top of Page

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

The State Department just released another batch of Hillary's e-mails from when she was Secretary of State. In the e-mails, Hillary asked an aide what time 'The Good Wife' was on, how to charge her iPad, and how to get wi-fi. Hillary sounds less like the Secretary of State and more like my mom at a hotel.

Donald Trump is facing criticism for refusing to name his favorite Bible verse. In Trump's defense, it's hard to be a fan of the Bible when three out of the seven deadly sins helped him get to where he is today. 'Pride, greed and wrath have served me very well.'

Trump was also asked if he preferred the New Testament or the Old Testament of the Bible and he responded, 'Uh, probably equal.' It's a tough choice, because the Old Testament focuses on immigrants moving to a new country and the New Testament focuses on a guy who hates money.

NBC just announced that President Obama will appear on an episode of 'Running Wild With Bear Gryll' later this year. Yeah, I guess the episode features Obama roughing it on a golf course that hasn't been mowed for a couple of days.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Obama was in Alaska today to raise awareness on climate change and while he was there, he taped an episode of "Running Wild With Bear Grylls" where celebrities eat mice and squirrels and drink bodily fluids. In this one, the president teaches us how to survive alone in the wilderness surrounded by 15 secret service agents disguised as trees.

A lot of people are upset that our president is appearing on a reality show. A little over a year from now, we might have a president who hosted a reality show. So get used to it...You know, Donald Trump?

Sat, 10/03/15

Joke #3355

From: 09/02/15

Top of Page

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

In an interview with CNN, former Vice President Dick Cheney said that he has no plans to endorse Donald Trump. When asked if he'd have a change of heart, Cheney was like, "Yes, every week."

Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker says that he thinks only 12 states will decide the presidential election. And if Trump wins, those 12 states will include shock, confusion, outrage, despair, denial, anger, bargaining and finally acceptance.

President Obama is taking over the White House's official Instagram account this week to post pictures of his trip to Alaska. Or to put it another way, President Obama is now your annoying friend on vacation.

While he was in Alaska, President Obama stopped at a cafe and bought out all of their cinnamon rolls for his staff. The staff was like, "Thanks, Obama." And the guy behind him in line waslike, "Yeah, thanks Obama."

Yesterday, UFC fighter Ronda Rousey accepted a Marine's invitation to the Marine Corps ball in December. When they heard Ronda Rousey was teaming up with the Marines, ISIS was like, "We surrender!"

Sun, 10/04/15

Joke #3356

From: 09/03/15

Top of Page

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Today, a judge overturned Tom Brady's four-game suspension and will let him play in next week's opening game. The judge said, 'After careful consideration of the evidence from both parties, I rule in favor of my fantasy football team.'

That's right, a judge here in New York overturned Tom Brady's four-game suspension. Brady was pretty psyched - but I thought it was a bit much when he dumped a bucket of Gatorade on the judge'shead.

I saw that during a town hall in Miami this week, Jeb Bush attacked Donald Trump in both Spanish and English. And later that night, Donald Trump responded in both English and much, much louder English.

Anthony Weiner is denying Donald Trump's suggestion that his wife, Huma, shared classified information with him while she worked for Hillary Clinton. And as we all know, nothing puts a rumor to rest like a denial from Anthony Weiner. 'I didn't send those pics! Oh those pics? Yeah I sent them.'

I heard about a new trend where people make marijuana-infused wine. They say it's the first wine that pairs well with EVERY food.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Today Donald Trump signed a loyalty pledge to the Republican Party saying that he would endorse for president whoever wins the Republican nomination and would not run as a third-party candidate as he has threatened to in the past. And I'll tell you something. When Donald Trump makes a vow, he keeps it. Ask any of his wives, they will tell you.

Our current president, Barack Obama, was in Alaska yesterday where he did one of those things presidents have to do — he joined in for some traditional eskimo dancing at a local middle school. Nobody wins in a situation like that.

Mon, 10/05/15

Joke #3357

From: Coming Soon

Top of Page

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Donald Trump has finally signed the Republican pledge saying that he will not run as a third party candidate if he doesn't win the Republican nomination. He signed it Jeb Bush.

Trump really signed the pledge with his own name, but take a look at this. He signed it in Sharpie. Even when he writes, he still goes with the loudest pen possible.

The President of Guatemala Otto Perez Molina resigned yesterday after a judge ruled to jail him because of a fraud scandal. But today, another judge overruled it, which means that next week Molina will be starting for the New England Patriots.

Kim Kardashian reached 45 million followers on Instagram yesterday and celebrated the only way she knows how, by establishing a public awareness campaign to raise money to build wells in southern Sudan. Just kidding, she posted another selfie.

Yesterday the Kentucky clerk who refused to issue gay marriage licenses was sentenced to jail for contempt of court. She was sent to jail for not doing her job. Then everyone checking Facebook at work was like, "Wait, they can do that?"

Tue, 10/06/15

Joke #3358

From: 09/08/15

Top of Page

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

In a recent interview, Sarah Palin supported Donald Trump's immigration policies and said that when immigrants are in the U.S., they should 'speak American.' Then immigrants were like, 'You first.'

In an interview last week, Hillary Clinton called Donald Trump's candidacy 'an unfortunate development.' Incidentally, 'an unfortunate development' is also what Trump says when his wives turn 40.

Serena and Venus Williams played each other at the U.S. Open quarterfinals today, but their mom did not attend the match. Their mother says that she loves both of her daughters, so it's unfair to be forced to pick a favorite Serena.

Time Warner will offer a channel completely dedicated to the Pope's upcoming visit to the U.S. Which is fitting, when you figure Time Warner customers are the only ones who say 'Jesus Christ' as much as the Pope.

A new report found that the U.S. economy created 173,000 jobs last month. The most common job created this summer was a teacher. The second most common? Republican presidential candidate.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

You have heard about the guys who stopped the attack in Paris. The young man who led the counterattack tackled a terrorist. He got slashed with a box cutter in his neck and hand, he saved another passenger's life. Spencer Stone is with us tonight. He's mainly here to make all of our summer vacation stories sound very lame by comparison.

Kim Davis, the county clerk who went to jail because she refused to issue same-sex marriage licenses, got out of jail today. She says she believes so much in the sanctity of marriage so much that she's been married to four different men.

If you don't feel comfortable signing a license to let gay people get married, that's all right. Just quit. This was a Supreme Court decision. You're a government worker. This is like refusing to issue drivers licenses because you're Amish.

Congress was back in session after a five-week summer break. They have until September 30 to pass a budget to ensure that the government stays up and running, or else they will be forced to, well, I guess go back on vacation.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Political insiders are saying that Donald Trump's continued popularity is causing Mitt Romney to consider entering the GOP primary race. Wow, Mitt Romney. Just when you thought the GOP field couldn't get any more interesting, you were right.

Vice President Biden spoke to voters in Pittsburgh yesterday and continued to hint at a possible 2016 run. So no announcement yet, he was just there to rub elbows with voters. Rub elbows? Rub shoulders. Rub noses. Basically, if you got it, Joe Biden will rub it. Biden-rub, 2016.

The Bush administration's secretary of state, Colin Powell, has come out in support of the Iran nuclear deal, and is calling the agreement 'remarkable' — while George W. Bush is calling the deal "nucular."

President Obama has announced plans to rename Mount McKinley 'Denali,' after its original Native American name. Because it turns out it's easier to rename a mountain than a football team.

Patriots quarterback Tom Brady said over the weekend that he's not sure who he'll vote for, but he loves Donald Trump. I guess Brady just loves anything that releases air.

Wed, 10/07/15

Joke #3359

From: 09/09/15

Top of Page

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

According to a New York Times report, Hillary Clinton's campaign is trying to put the whole email scandal behind her. They say they want to start bringing humor and spontaneity to her campaign. And nothing says spontaneity like announcing you're about to be spontaneous. 'Here comes the spontaneity in 3, 2, 1 ... Boo!'

Everyone's still talking about Donald Trump. Even Tom Brady. In an interview yesterday, Brady said that Donald Trump occasionally calls him up to give 'motivational speeches.' I think we know the REAL reason Tom Brady destroyed his cellphone.

Today Apple held their big event in San Francisco. And they announced their extra-large iPad Pro which features a screen that measures over 12 inches. They say it's the best way yet for people to ruin concerts.

Toyota filed a patent this weekend for a wing system that could be an attempt to make a flying Prius. As opposed to what USUALLY creates a flying Prius: a strong gust of wind.

The Late Late Show with James Corden

Kim Davis, the Kentucky clerk who was held in contempt of court for refusing to issue same-sex marriage licenses, has been released after four harrowing nights in jail. It would have just been three nights, except the jail offices were closed for Labor Day — which is ironic because that's the holiday where we celebrate people who do their jobs.

Kim Davis says that issuing marriage licenses to gay people violates her religious beliefs. The state of Kentucky says that it's her job. Gay people in Kentucky say, 'Why the hell am I living in Kentucky?'

Davis was only in jail for four nights. To put that in perspective, Nelson Mandela was in prison for 27 years and he walked out calmly wearing a suit. Kim Davis was in jail for four nights and she came out like she was about to fight Manny Pacquiao.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

There was another big announcement from Apple today — a number of exciting new products for you to lose in a cab on the way to the airport. These Apple announcements are always interesting to watch primarily because the Apple marketing people are so easily amazed. 'Your photos will look amazing on it.' 'It's an amazing experience.' 'This is an amazing display.' 'Inside it is something even more amazing.' 'You can see they're amazingly thin.' … Siri, what are synonyms for the word amazing?

Late Night With Seth Meyers

During yesterday's rally supporting her opposition to same-sex marriage, embattled county clerk Kim Davis and her husband posed for photos with prominent Republicans. She apparently met her husband in a John Steinbeck novel.

Justin Bieber's new song 'What Do You Mean?' is his first-ever Billboard number 1 single. Bieber wrote the song in response to the question, 'Does the defendant understand the charges before him?'

A man in Northern Ireland has been sentenced to four months in jail after he repeatedly got drunk and called emergency services while pretending to be rapper Nicki Minaj. Wow, nobody's gotten in this much trouble for pretending to be Nicki Minaj since Iggy Azalea.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

These days one of the most important factors in a successful campaign is the online merchandise store, where you can buy candidate-themed T-shirts, mugs, and trucker caps. Lots of great gift ideas for everyone you know named Rand.

It's important for candidates to set themselves apart with one-of-a-kind items like Hillary Clinton's 'Chillary' drink koozie. It's her favorite way to keep a beverage cold unless polling indicates a more popular cooling method.

Bernie Sanders has a great coffee mug that says 'Feel the Bern.' Which Senator Sanders was specifically told by H.R. not to say to his interns.

Even billionaire Donald Trump is funding his campaign with a store. Which is great because where else could you find something with his name on it?

You're not just buying useless crap, you're doing your patriotic duty to buy useless crap. As Rand Paul says of his own online merchandise, 'Thomas Jefferson would be proud.' So much better than Rand's original slogan, 'Impress a slaveholder!'

Thu, 10/08/15

Joke #3360

From: Coming Soon

Top of Page

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Earlier tonight was the big season opener for the NFL, where the Patriots played their first game since the 'Deflategate' scandal. I don't want to say the refs spent a long time examining balls, but today, they were hired by the TSA.

Yesterday, Hillary Clinton vowed to take military action if Iran moves toward creating nuclear weapons, or if she loses to Bernie Sanders. "Fire up the drones!"

The U.S. Surgeon General released a statement this week that said more Americans should start going on walks. You know we're setting the bar a little low when the Surgeon General goes from saying 'We should exercise more' to 'Just stand up for once.'

The Surgeon General said more Americans should start going on walks. Then to everyone's surprise, he added, "Even if you're just going out to have a smoke."

The nominees for this year's CMAs were announced yesterday. And they include country music superstars like Kenny Chesney, Luke Bryan, Garth Brooks, whiskey, beer, trucks, and divorce.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

The Patriots have been at the center of all sorts of cheating allegations. If these reports we've seen over the last couple of days are accurate, the Patriots cheated more than everyone on Ashley Madison combined.

In a new CNN poll released this morning, Donald Trump is still on top, 32 percent among Republican voters, far ahead of his nearest rival. There's a reason Donald Trump is on top of the CNN poll and that is because he's constantly on CNN. If CNN and Fox and MSNBC and everyone ran nonstop coverage of Honey Nut Cheerios we would have a box of cereal running the country.

Today Trump is getting criticized. He made comments about one of his rivals in the race for the Republican nomination, Carly Fiorina. At this point Donald Trump has publicly attacked more women than he's married. Which is a lot.

When your own face looks like an orange ate a lemon, maybe you shouldn't criticize other faces.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Donald Trump is under fire after he was caught saying of his Republican rival Carly Fiorina, "Look at that face! Would anyone vote for that?" Then an aide said, 'Mr. Trump, you're pointing at a mirror.'

The new Guinness Book of World Records came out today and Andre Ortolf of Germany managed to get in for three records including fastest 100-meter dash wearing ski boots, and fastest 100-meter dash wearing clogs. Ortolf is, of course, best known as the long-time holder of the world record for lightest schedule.

Kylie Jenner has started revealing in interviews how she gets her lips to stay so big. And it's actually pretty simple: She's allergic to nuts.

A skydiver uploaded a video of himself yesterday jumping out of a plane and solving a Rubik's cube during free fall. And to prove that he actually solved it, the funeral was open casket.

A new fish species called the 'blue bastard' was discovered in Australia this week. While the orange bastard continues to lead the GOP polls.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

I'm super excited about being on a network that has football twice a week because I'm a huge fan. I've got pigskin in my blood. That's why I'm on Lipitor. My doctor says my cholesterol is slightly higher than a seven-layer dip.

With all the talk about the presidential race, it's easy to forget that we're still 14 months from Election Day. Which means we're just nine years away from the end of the Trump presidency.

A new CNN poll shows Trump in first place with 32 percent more than his two closest rivals combined. He's now towering so high in the polls he turned his own bar graph into luxury condos.

Fri, 10/09/15

Joke #3361

From: 09/11/15

Top of Page

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

President Obama awarded a National Medal of Arts to author Stephen King. You know, because if there's anyone who can relate to the story of a guy trapped in a mansion that's driving him insane, it's Obama.

Keurig announced that they are now offering pre-packaged cups that let you make instant Campbell's Soup in their coffee machines. It's great for the person who wants to enjoy a cup of soup, then enjoy a cup of coffee that tastes a little bit like soup.

Yeah, Keurig is now offering cups that let you make Campbell's Soup in their coffee machines. You know, for the weirdos who are like, 'Don't even TALK to me till I've had my first bowl of soup in the morning! Ahhhh! Now where were we?'

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Right now in New York it is Fashion Week, which is also known as 'watch hungry women walk week.' Fashion Week, for those who aren't familiar, is the week that answers the question: How many emaciated teenagers will it take to convince someone to spend $10,000 on a dress?

You know the machines they have at Chuck E. Cheese where you lower the claw and you don't get a stuffed animal? Well, in Frisco, Texas, this week, a 6-year-old girl got stuck inside one. She said her older sister double dog dared her to do it. It's something parents need to be aware of. Please if you are a parent, pay attention to this important message. The claw machine: Harmless arcade game, or impenetrable kiddie prison?

If you watched the NFL game, the Patriots beat the Steelers. And once again, there is a cheating-related controversy. The coaches for the Steelers said they couldn't hear each other through the headsets because the Patriots radio broadcast was blasting into their ears for almost the first half of the game which made it impossible for them to communicate … it was kind of like how they got beat by Drake.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

After Donald Trump attacked him on several issues yesterday, second-place GOP candidate Dr. Ben Carson told reporters he 'didn't want to get into a gladiator fight' with Trump. Especially since Trump comes with his own helmet.

In an interview with CNN, Bernie Sanders said that he was stunned by the success he has had in the presidential race. That's right, he's stunned by his own success — and not, as I had assumed, a Taser.

Earlier this week, a woman in Taiwan fulfilled her husband's last wishes and invited strippers to perform at his funeral. She said it was the least she could do, because when he asked for strippers at his funeral, she murdered him.

A farmer in India is claiming that he's made over $1 million in the last four years by selling bull semen. Though you probably know it by its Hindi name, Mountain Dew.

A mother in London was caught by police giving her daughter almost $500 worth of cocaine for her 18th birthday. Wow, $500 worth? Don't spend it all in one face.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

I've been touched by the outpouring of support from other late night shows. Jimmy Kimmel bought the whole staff lunch. Seth Meyers sent us guac and chips. Conan, John Oliver, Larry Wilmore and the "Daily Show" all sent us desserts. Then, later tonight, James Corden is throwing us a cocktail party. Any other shows thinking of sending us something, please make it a box of sweatpants.

Yesterday Hillary Clinton said she'd love to debate Donald Trump, and Bobby Jindal said he'd love to see over the podium.

At the beginning of the summer, everyone thought Hillary Clinton was inevitable. But right now, in New Hampshire, she's 11 points behind Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders, proving that even people in New Hampshire can't tell the difference between their state and Vermont.

Yes, Ms. Clinton is clearly qualified for the office, but to be elected, that isn't enough. You have to appear genuine. If only there was some way we could get a glimpse into the private side of Hillary Clinton -- I don't know, read her emails or something?

Sat, 10/10/15

Joke #3362

From: 09/14/15

Top of Page

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

On Friday, Rick Perry announced that he is dropping out of the presidential race. It's too bad. This country really needs more candidates like Rick Perry — you know, candidates who will drop out of the presidential race.

The remaining candidates are gearing up for the second Republican debate, which will take place this Wednesday on CNN. It starts at 8 p.m. and ends when Donald Trump runs out of air.

Donald Trump's star on the Walk of Fame in Hollywood was vandalized last week with a yellow "X." When they asked Trump about the "X" he said, "Be more specific. I have many exes.'

NBC announced that Arnold Schwarzenegger is going to be the next host of "Celebrity Apprentice." Yeah, not only did they take the job from Trump, but NBC added insult to injury by giving it to an immigrant.

The first challenge [will be] figuring out what Arnold wants you to do on "Celebrity Apprentice." "YOU GOT TO MAKE A LEMONADE STAND AND SELL THE MOST T-SHIRTS TO THE BUSINESSMEN!"

Conan O'Brien

Arnold Schwarzenegger has been named the new host of "Celebrity Apprentice." Wait until the apprentices find out exactly what you have to do when you work for Arnold Schwarzenegger. They're going to spend half the show just trying to understand what their assignment is.

Mark Cuban, star of "Shark Tank," is now thinking about running for president. Still no word from the Cake Boss.

This weekend was the annual National Federation of Republican Women Convention. Or as Donald Trump called it, a total dog show. He would do that and his approval rating would go up 15 points.

I'm raising the roof for Rosh Hashanah. It's the beginning of the Jewish New Year 5,776. In other words, it's been 5,763 years since Larry King's bar mitzvah.

The Late Late Show with James Corden

The Miss America Pageant crowned its 94th winner last night. There was lots of excitement, plenty of surprises. The biggest surprise for me was finding out that you guys still do this.

I understand that Miss America is an old American tradition, but so was dying of polio, and you've managed to stop that. Technically the winner last night was anyone who didn't watch, but the official winner was Miss Georgia.

This year, every contestant recorded a Twitter video where she shared a fun fact about herself. Now, I'm not sure they know the meaning of the word "fun." Here's a fun fact about me: After watching Miss America last night, I'm going to move my daughter back to the U.K.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Another new season of "Dancing with the Stars" has waltzed into our lives tonight. "Dancing with the Stars" season 21. They're promising a lot of big surprises this time. I don't know what could be more surprising than the fact that "Dancing with the Stars" has been on for 21 seasons.

Also on TV last night we named a new Miss America. Miss Georgia is the new Miss America at the 95th annual Miss America Pageant. Miss America is the highest honor a woman can achieve for getting a spray tan.

A new host of "Celebrity Apprentice" was unveiled. Donald Trump is out, none other than Arnold Schwarzenegger is in. Apparently the key job requirements they're looking for are orange and loud … If you have those then he's got to say, "hasta la vista, baby," instead of "you're fired!"

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Just 100 days into his candidacy, Rick Perry has become the first Republican candidate to drop out of the race. Even more disappointing, it was just 10 days after the LensCrafters free return deadline.

NBC announced today that Arnold Schwarzenegger will replace Donald Trump as the host of next season's "Celebrity Apprentice." Man, wait until Trump finds out he's being replaced by an immigrant with an anchor baby.

Donald Trump said in the latest issue of "Rolling Stone" that he would consider dating his daughter Ivanka Trump, if he weren't her father. Which explains why I saw Ivanka Trump's therapist shopping for a boat.

Miss Georgia Betty Cantrell was crowned Miss America last night. While Miss Kentucky was crowned 'least cooperative.'

Sun, 10/11/15

Joke #3363

From: 09/15/15

Top of Page

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Donald Trump gave a big speech in Dallas last night, and began by pointing out that he wasn't using a teleprompter. Then he yelled at Gary Busey to hold the cue cards higher.

It seems like everybody's weighing in on Trump. In fact, the creator of 'Dilbert' predicted that Trump will win the presidency, and also compared him to Jesus. And people hope he's right — cuz they would LOVE a three-day break from Donald Trump.

I read that Jeb Bush has seen a drop in campaign donations lately, and has been forced to take commercial flights to campaign events. It got weird when the airline said they lost Jeb's baggage and he was like, 'You lost my brother?!'

And a lot of people are getting really excited about the upcoming visit by Pope Francis. This Pope is very popular, but I saw that in a recent interview, he said that he's felt 'used' by certain people who only pay attention to him when they need something. Then God was like, 'Um, hello! That's like 99 percent of my day!'

Conan O'Brien

Donald Trump said he would replace Obamacare with something called Donaldcare. He claims it would save billions by denying coverage to preexisting Hispanics.

Donald Trump is leading among Christian evangelical voters. They love him. Apparently, they like him because a Trump presidency would mean the world really is coming to an end.

Hillary Clinton, meanwhile, is struggling in the polls. According to political analysts, Hillary Clinton is now trying to make herself seem more relatable to the average person. Today, she spent the day criticizing Hillary Clinton.

Mark Zuckerberg announced that a dislike button is finally coming to Facebook. Finally a way to tell your friends how you really feel about their baby.

The government has unveiled a new website that predicts your financial worth after graduating college. It doesn't give you a number, just tells you which Starbucks you'll be working at and for how long.

The Late Late Show with James Corden

There is so much news. The Syrian refugee crisis is escalating. There's been another Ebola outbreak, and North Korea has restarted its nuclear program. But you wouldn't know this if you lived in Los Angeles because the local news devoted itself to covering the biggest story of all and that is that it rained this morning.

Syrian refugees are wondering, "will I die on my way to freedom?" And the people of Los Angeles are wondering,"will I get a little wet on my way to Pinkberry?"

I don't want to trivialize the situation because some people actually have been afflicted. There was a harrowing story today that three actors were forced to have brunch inside the restaurant.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Last night Donald Trump had a big rally at the American Airline center in Dallas. Thousands of people came out to see him. Arena staff estimated the numbers between 9,000 and 15,000 people. "USA Today" put the crowd at 17,000 people. The Trump Campaign says there were well over a million people there to cheer him on. It really is incredible how much bragging Donald Trump can squeeze into speech.

People started lining up hours before the door opened. Some made up their minds they like Trump and others were there to learn more about a candidate they are considering. He speaks to us as Americans because it's not politics as usual anymore. This is politics as unusual.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Tomorrow night's second GOP debate will take place at the Reagan Presidential Library. So on behalf of librarians everywhere, let me just say 'shhh…'

New national poll numbers show Dr. Ben Carson has pulled within four points of frontrunner Donald Trump. And I'm sure it's not the first time Trump has been closely pursued by a brain surgeon.

Today is National Double Cheeseburger Day. To celebrate, Americans will just remove one of the patties from our usual triple cheeseburgers.

Taco Bell has opened a new line of more upscale restaurants they are calling 'cantina' which will feature open kitchens. It's pretty cool. You can see both microwaves.

Kellogg's announced today that it will be spending 450 million dollars in an effort to expand its food distribution to Africa. Though sadly, it was reported today that Tony the Tiger was gunned down by a Minnesota dentist.

Mon, 10/12/15

Joke #3364

From: 09/16/15

Top of Page

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

If you're watching us after the big debate, you can turn your volume back up!

As you can imagine, with Hillary Clinton being here, security is very tight. The Secret Service has been here all day sweeping the halls, the offices, the hard drives... It's tight.

Jim Gilmore was the only GOP candidate not invited to the Republican debates tonight, but I saw that he actually planned to live-tweet it. When he heard that, Jeb Bush was like "Can I do that? I don't want to be here!'

A conservative super PAC just announced yesterday that they plan to spend $1 million on campaign ads attacking Donald Trump. Trump was like, 'Make it $2 million and I'll STAR in them!"

According to a new poll, almost half of Florida voters think their own candidates, Jeb Bush and Marco Rubio, should drop out of the race. While the other half of Florida keeps asking what happened to Eisenhower.

Conan O'Brien

Earlier tonight the second Republican debate took place here in California. With 10 men and only one woman, everyone thought they were watching 'The Bachelorette.'

Patriots quarterback Tom Brady says he thinks it would be great if Donald Trump was president. Which is really weird because I thought Brady didn't like things that are filled with too much air.

In Texas a high school student was arrested for bringing what authorities thought was a bomb to school but turned out to be a clock. Now the kid is in bigger trouble for carrying a device that could bring Texas into the future.

In China, people are selling their kidney to buy an iPhone 6. What's going to happen when the iPhone 7 comes out?

The Olive Garden is bringing back its 'Pasta Pass,' which lets you eat as much pasta as you want for seven weeks. In a related story, Chris Christie just suspended his campaign.

The Late Late Show with James Corden

Mark Zuckerberg announced that Facebook is working on adding a 'dislike' button to its website. And I, for one, am very excited that finally people will have the ability to be negative on the Internet.

Some things are equally great and terrible at the same time. For example, if someone posts a picture of the fried Oreos they're about to eat at the county fair, I 'like' that it's delicious and I 'dislike' that I wasn't invited.

Why just stop at 'like' and 'dislike?' We need more buttons to sum up the broad spectrum of emotions we feel while on Facebook. For instance, I'd like to see an "eye roll' button. "Oh my god, Jeanine is still posting about breaking up with Derek? Eye roll!"

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Tonight the Republican candidates for president gathered to debate at the Reagan presidential library, not too far from us here in Simi Valley. Debates are a great way to learn about candidates. For example, tonight I learned there were people running for president other than Donald Trump.

Allowing 11 candidates to debate is the adult version of giving every kid on the soccer team a participation trophy.

Trump gave a speech from the deck of a battleship where he warned us about crime and drugs coming from down below. 'The drug cartels are going wild. They cannot believe how stupid our government is. They are making a fortune. The drugs come in, the money goes out, daily.' He's right, we have to start making drugs in America again, American drugs.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

The New York Times is reporting that in recent speeches Donald Trump has seemed more composed and toned down, and has started using prepared notes. Now instead of just calling people 'loser' and 'morons,' he reads it off a card.

After 14-year-old Ahmed Mohamed was arrested because his teacher thought his homemade clock was a bomb, President Obama tweeted an invitation for the boy to come to the White House. Unfortunately, Ahmed never saw the tweet because his teacher thought his iPhone was a gun.

A classic model Bentley owned by Keith Richards sold over the weekend for $1.2 million and features a secret compartment for storing drugs. The compartment is called Keith Richards.

The CEO of BMW fainted onstage at the Frankfurt auto show this week. And in classic BMW fashion, he fainted across two parking spaces.

Oscar Mayer has come out with a new dating app which promises to pair up singles who love bacon, called Sizzl. Which is way better than their original name, 'eHam-ony.'

Tue, 10/13/15

Joke #3365

From: 09/17/15

Top of Page

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

At last night's Republican debate on CNN, one of the big moments was when Jeb Bush admitted to smoking marijuana during high school. Marijuana denied having anything to do with Jeb Bush. 'I wasn't anywhere near that dude.'

I saw that David Allan Coe, the writer of the famous country song 'Take This Job and Shove It,' was charged with tax evasion and owes the IRS almost half a million dollars. Which explains his new song called "Uh, Yeah, About That Job..."

NASA is working to create a new channel that broadcasts live video from space in super-high resolution. Also super-high: the people watching the NASA space channel.

Conan O'Brien

Last night's debate at the Reagan Library was the most watched program in CNN history. CNN said they were thrilled with the ratings but even happier they could finally show a plane that wasn't missing.

During last night's debate, Jeb Bush wanted Donald Trump to apologize to his wife but Trump refused. Trump said, "If I apologized to wives I wouldn't be on my third one."

Britain's longest-serving dominatrix is retiring at the age of 66. Apparently men no longer want to hire a dominatrix who forgets their safe word.

There was a moment from last night's debate that went viral. It was Donald Trump's very awkward attempt to high-five fellow [candidate] Ben Carson. People today are describing it as the worst high-five in history. That was not a spontaneous gesture by Trump. Trump has been practicing that high-five for weeks. It was the only preparation he did for the debate.

The Late Late Show with James Corden

Clearly last night the breakout star was former Hewlett-Packard CEO Carly Fiorina. This woman last night brought it and crushed it, after an admittedly slow start. In her defense, everything from HP does take a little while to warm up.

We learned some shocking news last night about one candidate. Jeb Bush admitted to smoking pot in high school. That explains a lot. He isn't low energy, he's baked.

I'm so happy about Pope Francis's upcoming visit to New York City on September 24. As a Catholic that's like Christmas coming early.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Jeb Bush admitted he smoked pot 40 years ago. And Ben Carson was like, 'Dude, I'm high right now. Why do you think I speak so slowly?'

Every time [the CNN debate] went to Donald Trump, Jeb Bush got this polite but disgusted look on his face. The same look a librarian would give you if you returned a book with a slice of cheese in the middle.

The most awkward handshake came courtesy of Donald Trump and Dr. Ben Carson. It starts a as a high-five, then Dr. Carson comes in low. Then it turns into a tug of war. That wasn't slow motion by the way. That's the speed at which Ben Carson actually moves.

Ben Carson did not make a particularly strong impression last night. Ben Carson, to me, comes off like a guy who grabbed the wrong drink at Bill Cosby's house.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Jeb Bush said last night that he wants to see Margaret Thatcher on the $10 bill. While Donald Trump said, 'They make a $10 bill?'

Jeb Bush admitted last night that he smoked marijuana in college. Not that shocking. But based on the speed he was talking, I'm pretty sure Ben Carson smoked marijuana at every commercial break.

Doritos announced today that they will be rolling out new Pride Flag-inspired rainbow-colored tortilla chips. This will be the first time finishing a bag of Doritos has ever been associated with pride.

A 'Toy Story" fan in England changed his name to Buzz Lightyear and was then refused a driver's license until he changed his name back. Said the man, 'To infinity … and the bus!'

Actor Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson announced today that he and his girlfriend are expecting a baby. The Rock is overjoyed, while his girlfriend is honestly kind of scared.

Wed, 10/14/15

Joke #3366

From: 09/18/15

Top of Page

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Over on the Democratic side, people are starting to get worried about Hillary Clinton's slow response to all the negative headlines about her. When asked if that was a valid criticism, Hillary was like, 'No.' 'It's not.'

A lot of people are getting excited about the pope's upcoming visit. In fact, I read that a priest in Pennsylvania plans to show off a 500-thousand-piece Lego model of the Vatican that took him two years to build. Well, there's ONE priest whose vow of celibacy will never be questioned.

Naomi Watts said that in preparation for her latest movie, 'The Sea of Trees," she and co-star Matthew McConaughey actually wrote 'love letter' to each other. At first, McConaughey didn't want to write the love letters, but then he was like, 'I'll write, I'll write, I'll write.'

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Democratic presidential hopeful Bernie Sanders will be featured on the cover of Time Magazine this week. It's part of their new cover series 'People Who Still Read Time Magazine.'

A Joe Biden advisor was reportedly overheard on an Amtrak train this week saying, "I am 100% Joe is in.' But to be fair, he may have been talking about going to Coachella.

Because the FEC does not let candidate names appear in the title of a Super PAC, Carly Fiorina's organization has started claiming its name CARLY for America is an acronym that stands for Conservative, Authentic, Responsive Leadership for You and for America. And I think that shows her campaign is full of Strategic, Honorable, and Interesting Tactics.

Lawyers for Guantanamo Bay prisoner Muhammad Rahim al-Afghani have revealed that he used to have an Ashley Madison account. He was already gittin' some but he wanted to Gitmo.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

Actress Lupita Nyong'o is here! She might be our first Oscar winner. She was born in Mexico and raised in Kenya, so she fills out every square in the Donald Trump fear bingo card.

Bernie Sanders popularity is surprising because he's a self-described socialist, who would also be our oldest president ever. The man is 74-years-old. That's five years older than Donald Trump and 50 years older than anyone Trump would marry.

Sanders had 27,500 in the sport arena in Los Angeles In August, 11,000 in Phoenix, 28,000 in Portland on a Sunday. A guy in his 70s filling stadiums? Who does he think he is, a Rolling Stone?

Thu, 10/15/15

Joke #3367

From: 09/21/15
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page

Jimmy Kimmel Live

The 67th Annual Primetime Emmy Awards were last night. The temperature on the red carpet hit 97 degrees, which means it was only one degree away from turning into a boy band down there.

That kind of heat is dangerous because many of our favorite celebrities are made out of plastic.

Jeffrey Tambor won on his seventh try — best actor in a comedy. Jeffrey Tambor is very funny but I have to say in that category, Donald Trump really got screwed.

Some people are angry because the Emmys showed a montage of clips from shows that went off the air this year. It ruined the endings of certain shows for people who haven't seen them. I was mad they showed the end of "Boardwalk Empire" and then I realized the show ended 11 months ago … at this point it's my own fault for not seeing it.

One of the finales they ruined was the end of "Two and a Half Men." I'd love to meet the person who was furious they spoiled the finale of that.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker has become the second GOP presidential hopeful to drop out of the 2016 race. He says he looks forward to his new job as the picture in the dictionary next to the word 'duh.'

Political experts say it is increasingly likely that the federal government will be forced to shut down on October 1 due to the dispute over Planned Parenthood funding. That's right — ironically if lawmakers don't fund Planned Parenthood, there is no Plan B.

A new survey found 95 percent more people plan to cancel their cable service in 2016 than in 2011. Incidentally '2011 to 2016' is the same window that the cable guy gave you for when he was stopping by.

Researchers in Japan have found that several species of ape can remember and recall plot details from movies. Then there are the less advanced species of ape who whisper to you, 'Who's that guy?'

The world's first sandcastle hotel opened in the Netherlands this month, featuring walls and decor made entirely of sand. And after you stay there, you'll be finding sand in your nether lands for weeks.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

Tonight, I'll be tangling with Texas senator Ted Cruz. He is the third presidential candidate I've had on the show. I want to interview all of them, but I only have 200 shows a year.

Republican candidate Jeb Bush is struggling to get traction against Donald Trump. Trump is even dominating in Jeb's home state of Florida, where the former governor is behind by 15 points. That makes sense that Florida likes Trump — they're used to life-size cartoon characters with giant heads.

All the presidential candidates are trying to woo millennials. I'm not sure college kids can identify with 22 people desperately fighting for one job. No surprise, the leader in the race to attract them on social media is Hillary Clinton. After all, a Clinton in the White House is the ultimate #ThrowbackThursday.

Hillary has already released a millennial-friendly plan to handle student loan debt, saying no student should have to take out a loan to pay for tuition if attending a four-year public college. Amen. Paying off my student loan debt is the only reason I took this CBS gig. Twelve more years.

Fri, 10/16/15

Joke #3368

From: 09/21/15
(**Part 2**)

Top of Page

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

The 67th Emmy Awards were last night in Los Angeles, and temperatures on the red carpet got to be around 100 degrees. But on the bright side — I finally got to say I looked hot on the red carpet!

Temperatures on the red carpet reached 100 degrees. In fact, it was the first time that Hollywood stars actually looked like their wax figures.

We have Republican presidential candidate and former Hewlett Packard CEO Carly Fiorina on the show tonight! First she's gonna talk about the campaign, then she's gonna help me fix the paper jam in our printer.

I read that certain data that measures how often a candidate's name is mentioned showed that Donald Trump is actually fading from the media spotlight. You can tell Trump's status has faded, because today, he was named a contestant on 'Celebrity Apprentice.'

Conan O'Brien

The Pope is coming to America tomorrow. When the Pope's plane lands in the United States, President Obama is going to be there to greet him. President Obama is going to be the guy at arrivals holding a sign that says "Pope."

The Pope's going to be at the White House. As Trump put it, Obama is letting another Hispanic guy in.

The Pope is coming to the United States and visiting New York, Washington, D.C., and Philadelphia, but not Los Angeles. The Pope said, "Let's be honest. I probably won't make it out of Philly."

'Game of Throne' took home four Emmys last night. That works out to one Emmy for every character that is still alive on the show.

In politics, an expert is saying that Donald Trump's handwriting reveals he is prone to anger and fear. After hearing about it, Trump was furious and then he got scared.

Scott Walker, the presidential candidate who is famous for riding a Harley, is dropping out of the race. Walker made the decision when he realized that all of his supporters could fit on his Harley.

Republican candidate and neurosurgeon Dr. Carson is quoted as saying a Muslim should not be elected president. He apologized for the mistake and said, "Hey, I'm no brain surgeon."

The Late Late Show with James Corden

There's a lot of stories in the news today about Airbnb, a website where you can make your house available for people to stay in for a few days. People used to buy expensive security systems to keep you out of their homes and now they're suddenly, like, 'Let's invite a stranger to come in here and touch everything.'

A couple in San Francisco hired a house sitter from trustedhousesitters.com to watch their house while they were away at Burning Man. But instead, the house sitter listed it on Airbnb and earned $2,000 by renting it out. I think you're in trouble when you're using a site called trustedhousesitters.com.

Nothing makes you seem less trustworthy than saying that you're trustworthy. It's like if a doctor described himself as a very qualified doctor. "Hello, I'm a very qualified doctor from veryqualifieddoctors.com, and today we're going to check this thing and I'm going to use one of these."

Sat, 10/17/15

Joke #3369

From: 09/22/15

Top of Page

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Pope Francis arrived in Washington, D.C., today. I saw that President Obama actually picked him up at the airport. When asked how the Pope will get back to the airport, Obama was like, "Uber? I don't know. It's not my problem."

That's right, President Obama picked up Pope Francis at the airport. Because what better way to alleviate the traffic the Pope is about to cause than sending out a presidential motorcade?

The trip to Washington, D.C., has actually been very educational for the Pope. You know, because he's only ever read about purgatory.

I saw that top congressional leaders sent a statement to the House and Senate with guidelines for Pope Francis' visit, including a request to not shake his hand. Apparently, they're worried that if politicians touch the Pope they'll burst into flames.

In addition to the 'no shaking hands,' Congress was given a lot of rules about the Pope's visit. First, there's "Don't fake-sneeze just to get an easy blessing out of the Pope."

Conan O'Brien

The Pope arrived in the U.S. today. I think that's exciting. The Pope flew into Washington this afternoon on Lifelong Virgin Air.

Pope Francis' plane touched down in Washington at 4 p.m. I knew the moment he was here because I felt a disturbance in the guilt. What is that? Catholic, you are. That's what Yoda says.

Volkswagen is having a big scandal. Volkswagen has been caught installing secret devices that help them cheat on emissions tests. The CEO said, 'I missed the last controversial time here at VW when all we did was make cars for Hitler.'

A company in Japan has released a robot that's able to simulate some emotion. Either that or Hillary Clinton just made a surprise visit to Japan.

In San Diego, a 100-year-old man set five world records at a track meet. He set a record in the 50-meter dash, the 800-meter run and the 100-meter wander off.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

This is a historic day for the United States of America. Pope Francis visited our country for the first time ever today. The Pope is here until Saturday. He's visiting Washington, D.C., New York, and Pennsylvania. Not even going to bother coming to L.A. He said it's a lost cause, no point.

First up was Cuba. He came straight here from Havana and had a little bit of trouble at customs. They stopped him and went through his stuff. 'What is this, sir? You can't bring more than $100 worth of cigars into the country. I don't care if you are the Pope.'

I love this Pope, but I wonder about this tweet he posted last week where he wrote, 'I ask you to join me in praying for my trip to Cuba and United States. I need your prayers.' Should we be offended by that? Maybe I'm being paranoid.

The Pope is a very humble man. He doesn't believe in extravagance. He's not a fan of commercialism or consumerism. With that said, this is how we welcome him here in the United States — with Pope Francis bobble heads, with Pope Francis dolls, T-shirts that say 'Pope Is Dope.'

Snoop yesterday launched a marijuana lifestyle website called Mary Jane. Snoop said Mary Jane is a crossroads of pot, culture, business, politics, and health. You know, it's getting harder and harder to tell Snoop Dogg and Gwyneth Paltrow apart. He should consider changing his name to Goop Dog.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Dr. Ben Carson defended his comments about Muslims being unfit for the presidency, and posted on Facebook that he believes Sharia law is the central tenet of Islam. While most people on Facebook believe 'Sharia Law' is a show about a black lady judge.

Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker dropped out of the presidential race last night. And in related news, a tree fell in a forest.

The last polls before Scott Walker dropped out of the presidential race found the Wisconsin governor was polling at one half of 1 percent. Bobby Jindal said, 'What's your secret?'

Pope Francis will fly on American Airlines while traveling between Washington, New York and Philadelphia, and not, as I had assumed, Virgin.

According to a new study, there have been more deaths this year from selfie-related incidents than there have been from shark attacks. Good.

A pair of Ohio teens were caught this weekend using a beer bong to drink full two-liter bottles of Mountain Dew. It's a rare case where the punishment is the crime.

Sun, 10/18/15

Joke #3370

From: 09/23/15

Top of Page

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Today is the first day of fall! You can tell it's getting colder, 'cuz today I saw a rat on the subway trying to carry a pumpkin spice latte.

The big story right now is Pope Francis visiting the U.S., and I saw that yesterday, the Pope's plane couldn't land right away because he arrived earlier than planned. That's right, the Pope's flight was early. So I guess he really CAN perform miracles!

Chris Christie recently ordered the leader of the New Jersey National Guard to lose weight within the next 90 days. And if he doesn't, Christie will eat him.

Yesterday, a federal judge ruled that the "Happy Birthday" song is now public domain, so no one has to pay to use it in movies or TV anymore. Not to be confused with the "Happy Birthday" songs in restaurants, which people WOULD pay to never hear again.

The Dalai Lama raised some eyebrows during a recent interview when he said that if a future Dalai Lama is female, she would have to be very attractive, otherwise there's 'not much use.' Man, I knew the Dalai Lama believed in reincarnation, but I never realized he'd come back as Donald Trump.

Conan O'Brien

It's Yom Kippur today. Jews all over the country honored the day by staying home and watching the Pope on television.

The Pope's totally like, 'I'm going there on Yom Kippur. That will show them.'

The Pope is at the White House today, the band played the Vatican's national anthem. The Vatican has a national anthem, isn't that crazy? Apparently it's Katy Perry's "Roar."

On Saturday, the Pope will attend an event hosted by Mark Wahlberg. Wahlberg said, "I'm wicked pumped to meet the [bleep] Pope. Somebody get the Pope a shot."

The Late Late Show with James Corden

Pope Francis has landed in the United States for a historic five-day visit to D.C., New York City, and Philadelphia. Whether you're Catholic, Protestant, Jewish or Hindu, you have to be in awe of the amount of traffic this is going to create.

If you wanted to see the Pope during his visit, best of luck to you. He's appearing in Central Park on Friday, but tickets ran out so quickly that they're now being scalped for upwards of $1,500 apiece. That is a lot to pay for someone who can't sing or play guitar.

It's ironic people are scalping tickets for so much when the Pope has been saying that Americans worship money, and that capitalism is destroying our souls.

Twitter has created a bunch of special hashtags to honor the Pope, proving once and for all that Twitter doesn't really know the meaning of the word "honor."

Twitter created #Popeinus. #Popeindc. #Popeinnyc, and #Popeinphilly. But just in case the Pope decides to extend his trip, we've created a few hashtags of our own. If he should choose to come visit us here, we have got #Popeinla, #Popeinorlando, #Popeinseattle — where he ordered a pope-kin spice latte!

Jimmy Kimmel Live

It's the first day of autumn but the only way to tell what season it is in L.A. is by which flavored syrup Starbucks is adding to their coffee. If it's pumpkin spice you know summer must be done.

Pope Francis is here. He got in yesterday. He didn't do anything last night, they want him to rest for his hectic schedule the next few days. He did get some rest — much of it during his welcoming ceremony on the south lawn of the White House. That's one thing about being Pope — nobody knows when you're sleeping or when you're praying.

The Pope addressed about 11,000 people at the welcoming event. He spoke about climate change. He said it's a problem that "can no longer be left to a future generation." Global warming is a very important issue for the Pope because as you know he has to wear a floor-length, long-sleeved gown to work every day and it's hot.

Chris Christie has reportedly ordered the commander of the state National Guard to lose weight. That is how you put the hippo in hypocrite.

Christie had a secret lap band surgery two years ago. Apparently the surgery was even a secret to his stomach. He had a band put around his stomach. And that band by the way? Bon Jovi.

Yogi Berra, Hall of Fame catcher and manager for the Yankees and Mets, passed away yesterday, 90 years old, a great catcher and a great character. He had so many classic quotes. Yogi Berra is the guy who said, "90 percent of the game is half mental." He also said, "It's deja vu all over again," and "It ain't over till it's over." He was known as much for screwing up metaphors as he was for baseball.

I can't help but feel like it makes perfect sense that this is how the Associated Press reported his death today: "New York Yankees catcher Yogi Bear has died. Went to that great pick-a-nick basket in the sky."

Late Night With Seth Meyers

New York City plans to deploy an extra 6,000 police officers to help guard Pope Francis during his visit. It'll be the most protection a Catholic has ever used.

President Obama this morning gave Pope Francis a sculpture of an ascending dove made with pieces of the Statue of Liberty and wood taken from the White House lawn, as well as a key to the house of the first American-born saint. The Pope then said, 'Oh, I didn't get you anything' and quietly put a $40 Starbucks gift card back in his pocket.

A new study has found that 8 percent of Americans sleep naked. Unfortunately, the study was conducted on the F train.

A new study suggests that people who fidget at their desks are less likely to die than those who sit still. Although people who fidget at their desks are more likely to die because the person next to them 'had to make it stop.'

Mon, 10/19/15

Joke #3371

From: 09/24/15

Top of Page

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Please, please sit down. Now please stand up. Now kneel. Now stand up again. Sorry, I've got Pope fever!

I saw that Pope Francis held his first-ever prayer here in New York City earlier this evening. I guess it was halfway through his first New York City cab ride. "Holy Mary Mother of God, pray for us sinners..."

While he was in Washington, the Pope gave a major speech to Congress, and asked them to accept immigrants as their own children. Then congressmen were like, "Eh, we've already got enough children our wives don't know about.'

And in a speech yesterday, Pope Francis urged American bishops to 'flee the temptation of narcissism.' Then bishops were like, "Oooh! He's talking about us!"

Donald Trump announced yesterday that he will no longer be appearing on Fox News because he believes they treat him unfairly. Then President Obama was like, 'You. Are. ADORABLE! Really? Wow.'

Conan O'Brien

Yesterday at one of the Pope's appearances, you probably saw the footage, a 5-year-old Mexican-American girl broke through security. Luckily, she was tackled by 16 Republican presidential candidates.

The president of China is going to be at the White House. I just hope the president of China likes leftover Pope food.

Today Donald Trump said he doesn't believe in climate change. He said if there's a hole in the ozone layer, just comb some ozone from another part over it.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

There's going to be a total lunar eclipse and a super moon on Sunday, both of them at once. That has not happened since 1982, it won't happen again until 2033 — which happens be the year when Snooki is expected to be seeking the Republican nomination for president.

The pope was in Washington, D.C., this morning. He addressed Congress. He gave a 15-minute speech in just under an hour.

Of course Donald Trump did weigh in on the Pope. He said he likes the Pope very much but he doesn't agree with him on climate change or immigration. He said he doesn't believe in climate change or gravity. He doesn't believe in either of those things.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

After Pope Francis became the first pontiff to address a joint session of Congress today, he went to meet with a group of homeless people. That's right, he spoke to some people who spend all their time begging for money, and then he met with the homeless.

Donald Trump was scheduled to appear on Fox News' 'The O'Reilly Factor' tonight, but Fox canceled him after his recent comments criticizing the network. So if you want to hear about Donald Trump, you'll just have to try CNN, MSNBC, ABC, NBC, CBS, Bravo, Facebook, Twitter, or going outside.

A 105-year-old Japanese man has set a new record in his age group for the 100-meter dash. He barely outran the guy right behind him.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

Pope Francis is in America. Can you feel it? There is a certain electricity in the air and the nation's 70 million Catholics have the kind of excitement that we usually don't have unless we're asking forgiveness for it afterwards.

Our entire show is dedicated to Pope Francis' historic visit to the U.S. It's an hour long, so it might be the shortest Catholic service you'll ever sit through.

Facebook went down briefly today, which means that for several minutes all across the country, something got done.

Tue, 10/20/15

Joke #3372

From: 09/25/15

Top of Page

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

Traffic is really backed up here in New York City because of the Pope's visit, but a company called Blade is offering $95 helicopter rides around the city. Even the Pope said, "I believe in God, but not enough to take a $95 helicopter ride.'

Yesterday as Pope Francis rode down Fifth Avenue, Donald Trump actually stepped out of Trump Tower with his son, Donald Jr., and got booed by the crowd. Then Trump was like, "I guess they really don't like you Donald, Jr.!'

House Speaker John Boehner announced that he is resigning from Congress. When he heard Congress lost Boehner, John McCain said, 'Oh I got a little blue pill for that.' 'No, BOEHNER. We lost House Speaker Boehner!" It's pronounced Bay-ner.

This morning, Pope Francis addressed the U.N. General Assembly, and rode around inside the U.N. building in a golf cart. People will never forget what the Pope said as he passed them: "WHEEE!"

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Don't forget on Sunday night, there's going to be a full lunar eclipse. So, parents, don't forget to point up at the sky and tell your children the moon is going away because they've been bad.

Everybody see Thursday night's football game? I saw it by accident because I tried to watch my show. Once again, I got bumped by "Thursday Night Football." This time, my show didn't start until 12:35 a.m. and last night was my special 'Pope Show.' So, football didn't just bump me, it bumped the Pope. Fellas, God gives you all those touchdowns, and this is how you thank him?

Here in New York, everyone's ecstatic about a visitor to these shores that is inspiring millions to weep tears of joy and devotion. I speak, of course, of the new iPhone 6s. This afternoon, iPhone fans lined up at the Apple Store as the Catholic faithful lined up to see the Pope's procession through Central Park. It was hard to decide which object of worship you should line up for. I mean, they're both pretty special, and both available in a protective case. I just don't understand why the Holy Father still only comes in white.

Wed, 10/21/15

Joke #3373

From: 09/28/15
(**Part 1**)

Top of Page

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Did you see the big super blood lunar moon last night? The super moon was the reason all your Facebook friends posted blurry pictures of the sky last night.

Facebook went down for the second time this week. For 42 long minutes nobody knew if it was anyone's birthday. When Facebook goes down it makes you realize, "Wow, this is what life must have been like in 2003."

The new iPhones came out on Friday. It is kind of perfect that half of America was lined up to buy a $700 phone, while the other half was lined up to see the Pope.

After almost a week of very intense waving at people, Pope Francis is back home in Rome. It was nice to see Americans get excited about someone who wasn't a Kardashian or a rat with a slice of pizza.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Jeb Bush said last week that Democrats often win the black vote because they tell people 'we'll take care of you with free stuff.' Whereas Democrats actually win the black vote because Republicans keep saying stuff like that.

Russian President Vladimir Putin also addressed the U.N. General Assembly today. Unfortunately he addressed them as 'My future Russians.'

A new poll by The Wall Street Journal has found that Donald Trump and Dr. Ben Carson are running virtually neck and neck. While Mike Huckabee and Ted Cruz are running without necks.

Tom Brady last night became just the fourth quarterback in history to throw for over 400 touchdowns. Which works out to 320, when you adjust for inflation.

Researchers in Singapore are trying to develop a robot that can put together Ikea furniture, but so far it's been unsuccessful because the robot hasn't been able to find its way out of the store yet.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

Hillary Clinton is by far the favorite to win the Democratic nomination even though her presidential campaign has had more than its share of bumps in the road, from the Benghazi controversy to her private email server to the persistent allegation that she's less charismatic than a 70-year-old socialist who doesn't own a phone.

According to The Washington Post, when Clinton ran for president in 2008, she was 5'5" according to a height report from the Clinton campaign. But now, news sources say Hillary Clinton is 5'7" tall. Hillary Clinton has added two inches. This couldn't be one of those classic cases where a woman hits her 60s and suddenly gets taller.

This sensation over Hillary's elevation might be the thing that finally takes her down, or up. We don't know at this point.

Hillary says she opposes Keystone XL, but maybe she's holding out for XXL.

If Hillary continues to grow, think how big she'll be when she finally reaches the Oval Office. We won't have to worry about Iran because mega-Hillary can swat missiles out of the sky!

Thu, 10/22/15

Joke #3374

From: 09/28/15
(**Part 2**)

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The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

President Obama is in town for the U.N. General Assembly. And tomorrow, he plans to meet with the president of Kazakhstan, Nursultan Nazarbayev. Or as Obama will call him, 'Uh . . . hey, chief!'

Hillary Clinton went on 'Meet the Pres' yesterday, and I saw that Chuck Todd actually showed her a video of all the times she's flip-flopped on issues. At first Hillary said she felt bad about it, but now she says she feels OK about it.

Pope Francis wrapped up his trip to the U.S., and while he was in Philadelphia, the Pope visited a prison. He said he couldn't believe how dirty and overcrowded it was, then his assistant said, 'This is just the Amtrak station, we haven't gotten to the prison yet.'

Next month Delta will begin opening company spas at certain airports so that employees can get a massage. And if passengers want a massage, they can just leave their keys in their pockets when they go through security.

Today, NASA announced that it has finally discovered water on Mars. When they heard, Americans were like, "Eh, tell us when they discover beer."

Conan O'Brien

People went absolutely gaga for the Pope. In Philadelphia yesterday Pope Francis met with a family that had driven 13,000 miles from Argentina just to see him. It was an awkward moment when the Pope said, 'I guess no one told you guys, I'll be in Argentina next week.'

Donald Trump is still going strong. We all thought that was going to last a couple of weeks and we'd all have a good chuckle, but it continues. On '60 Minute' last night, Donald Trump called for a tax hike on wealthy Americans. As a result, Donald Trump said he can no longer support Donald Trump.

A new study came out that says drinking more beer could lower women's risk of a heart attack by 30 percent. The study was conducted by the Institute of Things to Tell That Hot Woman at a Party.

A poultry manufacturer has recalled over a half million pounds of chicken believed to contain pieces of metal. But first, they tried to sell the pieces to McDonald's as magnetic McNuggets, which I think would be a good idea. They're MagNuggets.

Justin Bieber says he has three or four albums he hasn't released yet. Bieber says, 'You have until midnight to meet my demand.'

The Late Late Show with James Corden

Last night the moon became a super blood moon, which is a combination of a super moon and a lunar eclipse. It's a rare and precious event that only takes place once every few decades, like a good Nicolas Cage movie.

NASA made a huge announcement that they have discovered for the first time liquid water on Mars. This officially makes Mars more qualified to support human life than California.

Fri, 10/23/15

Joke #3375

From: 09/29/15

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The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

President Obama and Vladimir Putin met yesterday at the U.N., but the White House and the Kremlin have been disagreeing about who asked who to meet. For my younger viewers, that means they were arguing about who swiped right first.

After their meeting got off to a tense start, Obama and Putin wound up talking for 90 minutes, and Putin described the talks as "surprisingly open." Putin said it was the most productive conversation he'd ever had with someone who wasn't tied to a chair.

Facebook went down yesterday for the second time in a week. In fact it's gotten so bad, people are holding up their babies to strangers and shouting, "Do you '˜Like' this?" "Do you '˜Like' this? ... 4 '˜Likes.'"

Whole Foods announced yesterday that it is cutting 1,500 jobs. Although Whole Foods doesn't want to call them "unemployed." They're calling them "free range employees.'

Conan O'Brien

While in New York City, President Obama and Vladimir Putin met and the meeting was described as awkward. Apparently Obama was upset that he looks nothing like his Tinder photo.

Donald Trump told The New York Times that he's only been getting four hours of sleep a night. In other words, even Donald Trump lies awake at night worrying about a Trump presidency.

In a speech Marco Rubio talked about the danger of electing a president who does not understand technology. Unfortunately, Rubio's speech was interrupted when his beeper went off. He had to get to a pay phone.

The winners of the MacArthur genius awards were announced. Among them are three artists, six authors and the guy who invented Doritos Locos Tacos. It's one of the greatest things that ever happened. Whoever had that idea should be given their own Greek island to live on.

In a new interview, Justin Bieber said he wants to "live like Jesus." In response, Jesus said, "Dude, you're the reason I'm not coming back."

Yesterday Facebook's website crashed and was apparently offline for 42 minutes. It's a shame Facebook wasn't down longer. People were really, in that 42 minutes, starting to get things done.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Today is National Coffee Day. For those who don't know, coffee is an ingredient in the milkshakes they serve at Starbucks.

Donald Trump came out with this proposal for a new tax plan yesterday. Just like a real presidential candidate would do! It's kind of adorable.

Trump plans to raise taxes on the very rich — which doesn't include him because he's very, VERY rich.

Under Trump you won't have to pay any income taxes if you make less than $25,000 a year, if you and your spouse make under $50,000 a year, and if you capture an illegal Mexican you won't pay any taxes at all.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

When asked today if his low poll numbers would make him consider dropping out of the presidential race, Senator Lindsey Graham told reporters, 'Hell no.' Which, also, incidentally, is his poll number.

A new study released today shows that blotting pizza with a napkin to remove extra grease can remove an average of 40 calories per slice. So if you're looking for an easy way to lose weight, just eat that napkin.

A referee in a professional soccer match in Brazil pulled a gun out during a game last week because he was tired of being treated poorly by players and coaches. And then out of habit, several players fell down and pretended they had been shot.

China is now home to the world's longest glass bottom bridge, which hangs 600 feet over a canyon. It's a great moneymaker. Access to the bridge is free, but they charge $400 for new pants.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

Pennsylvania Democratic Congressman Bob Brady decided he wanted a unique memento of the papal visit. After the Pope finished his speech to Congress, Brady helped himself to the very glass of water that the pontiff had been sipping from as he made his address. Congressman Brady, here's the thing — it won't give you superpowers. It's not like getting bitten by a radioactive Pope.

Maybe I shouldn't judge him for breaking the seventh and tenth commandments literally behind the Pope's back. I'm sure he had a good reason for this "misa-pope-priation."

On Friday, despite our trade wars, tension in the South China Sea, and Chinese hacking attacks, President Obama gave President Xi Jinping a full South Lawn welcome, where the Chinese president greeted every White House staffer by name and bank account.

The president of China announced an agreement today aimed at limiting greenhouse gas emissions. Yes, China is limiting their greenhouse gas emissions, bringing them down from their current level of "infinite."

Of course, step one in lowering emissions is trading in their Volkswagens.