Jokes of the day

3326 - 3350

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Fri, Sep 04, 2015

#3326

Late Night From 07/22/15

Jimmy Kimmel Live
In Major League Baseball news, the federal government has decided to drop their criminal case against former superstar Barry Bonds. . . . This is a case that started in 2003, it took forever, and nothing ended up happening. Just like baseball.

Barry Bonds never said he didn't use steroids, he just said he thought they were flaxseed oil and arthritis balm. Never send Barry Bonds grocery shopping. "I asked you to pick up milk." "I did!" "No, this is foot powder."

Sony Pictures Animation won a three-studio bidding war for a movie starring emojis. It's a nearly seven-figure deal that sold off a pitch — which, for those not familiar with showbiz lingo, means someone went into a meeting with executives and said, "You know those pictures people send each other? Let's make a movie about them." And walked out of the office with a million bucks.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
Donald Trump's children released a statement this week calling their father a "true visionary and a great mentor." And Trump released a statement calling his kids "suck-ups" and "not the best."

Sportswear company Lululemon is coming out with a new line of beer. It's a dark beer, but when you tip the bottle, it turns see-through.

A couple was spotted this past weekend walking into the ocean in North Carolina wearing homemade cages to fend off sharks. Said sharks, "Wow, this really does taste homemade!"

BlackBerry announced today that it is buying another tech company to improve its BBM messaging service. Well, actually, they announced it weeks ago, but I just got the message now.

The French-language Scrabble championship was won this week by a New Zealand man who does not speak French. Of course, in French scrabble, you win by flipping over the board and going outside for a cigarette.


The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
A major Iowa newspaper published an op-ed against Trump calling him a "self-absorbed, wholly unqualified feckless blowhard." Or as Trump put it, "You forgot very rich . . . I'm a very rich, self-absorbed, wholly unqualified feckless blowhard. Very, very rich."

After Donald Trump wrote Lindsey Graham's cellphone number on a piece of paper and showed it to everybody, Graham said he's getting a new phone. Which explains Lindsey Graham's latest campaign slogan, "New phone, who dis?"

Ohio Governor John Kasich became the 16th Republican to announce that he is running for president. During his speech he referred to Jesus Christ, which is ironic because so did Americans when they heard another Republican was running for president.

Joe Biden was spotted with a bruise on his face that was apparently caused by his dog. I guess they collided when they both went after the same tennis ball.

Tonight was the big premiere of "Sharknado 3" on the Syfy channel. I watched it, and I think the best actor was me just now saying I watched "Sharknado 3."

The Late Late Show with James Corden
Nicki Minaj is having a beef with the VMAs because she feels they snubbed the video for her song "Anaconda" and she tweeted, "If your video celebrates women with very slim bodies, you will be nominated for vid of the year." Taylor Swift took Nicki's tweet as a shot at her and tweeted back, "Maybe one of the men took your slot." "Maybe one of the men took your slot" is the dirtiest thing Taylor Swift has ever tweeted.

This week, Donald Trump and Lindsey Graham had a beef. What would you call that? Beef jerky.

Super hero movies, you're great, but there's just too many of you. In the past five years alone, there have been 22,000 superhero movies. It's getting ridiculous, we have had more Batmans in the past 25 years than we've had presidents. And guess what? Barack Obama is probably going to play Batman next year.

Sat, Sep 05, 2015

#3327

Late Night From 07/23

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
Today Trump went to Texas to visit the border between the U.S. and Mexico. And when he got there, other Republicans pushed him over the border and went, “Your problem now! You gotta deal with this guy! He's on your side!”

The FEC released Donald Trump's financial disclosure yesterday, and it revealed that he received royalties of less than 200 dollars for most of his books. The bad news is, the books aren't selling; but the GOOD news is – looks like he's got something to build that Mexican fence with! “It's a very classy book-fence!”

Republican candidate George Pataki said his dogs would give him the best endorsement for becoming our next president. Until they hear Chris Christie always carries bacon in his pockets. (Joke's on them, though, he's never going to give them any of that pocket bacon. It's what gets him through long meetings!)

Republican candidate Ben Carson told reporters he thinks American prisons might be too comfortable. As opposed to Mexican prisons that have personal showers with $5 million escape tunnels.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
Sharknado 3 premiered last night and SyFy has already confirmed that there will be a Sharknado Four. It's like a bad joke that's gone too far. And you can tell, because Sharknado is now the Republican frontrunner.

Presidential hopeful Rick Perry yesterday accused Donald Trump of “demagoguery,” and said that he must be “excised and discarded.” So one thing is clear: somebody got Rick Perry a word-of-the-day calendar.

Sources say the Obama administration is in the "final stages" of planning the closing of Guantanamo Bay. The way it's gonna work is, they're going to put a Radio Shack sign out front and let nature take its course.

The Museum of the Moving Image in New York is opening a new exhibit dedicated to cats that are famous on the internet. So if you love the internet, and you love cats, you're probably not making it out of the house.

Sun, Sep 06, 2015

#3328

Late Night From 07/24

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
Donald Trump has been all over the news this week, but he's still struggling to be seen as a legitimate candidate by Republicans. In fact, now Trump is threatening to start campaigning as a third-party candidate if the Republican Party doesn't become more supportive. Of course, a lot of Republicans say you need to give respect to get respect. To which Trump says, “Whatever, LOSERS!”

One GOP Congressman named Carlos Curbelo actually suggested that Donald Trump may be a “phantom candidate” that has been planted by the Democrats. The DNC strongly denied this – while Hillary said, “Crap, they figured it out! Take off the wig, Bill.”

A new poll also shows that a majority of people in Colorado think Hillary Clinton is not trustworthy. Although, that's not saying much coming from the most paranoid state in America. "Hillary Clinton? She's a cop?"

China is hosting something called a World Cup soccer tournament for robots called “RoboCup 2015,” and the engineers' goal is for robots to face humans in the real World Cup by 2050. Then robots said, “Oh no, you'll be long gone by then.”

Mon, Sep 07, 2015

#3329

Late Night From 07/27

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
Tom Cruise is here to promote the new "Mission: Impossible" movie, which I believe is all about Donald Trump's PR team.

In a speech in Texas, Donald Trump called Hillary Clinton “easily the worst Secretary of State in the history of our country.” When asked what he based that on, Trump said, "I heard ME say it just now. So it's gotta be true.”

Chris Christie attended the Italian-American Heritage Festival street fair in Iowa this weekend, where they celebrated Italian culture and Italian food. The street fair involved two of Christie's favorite pastimes – eating, and shutting down traffic. It's a combo platter.

Chris Christie attended an Italian-American Heritage Festival where vendors served him a lot of Italian food, including bacon-wrapped dates. Which was also Christie's prom fantasy in high school. “Want to go to prom with me? Can I wrap you in bacon?"

Time magazine interviewed Bill Clinton about the current presidential campaign, and he claimed he had to ask Hillary to marry him three times before she said yes. Then Hillary was like, “Yeah. That wasn't me.”

The Late Late Show with James Corden
A California couple went hiking in the Angeles national forest, got lost, and had to be air-lifted out by a rescue team. That in itself is bad enough, but what made it worse is it was the couple's first date.

You know the guy knew they were lost a good four hours before he even acknowledged that he didn't know where he was going. Just four hours of him saying, "No. No. Right, this way. I do this hike all the time."

I would never hike on the first date. No way. Have sex? Absolutely. But hiking is the kind of thing you don't do until you're married . . . All I can think is these two must have met on that dating app for hikers. Timber.

Jimmy Kimmel Live
On ABC's season finale of "The Bachelorette" Nick's proposal fell on deaf ears when Kaitlyn chose Sean. All Nick got out of it was an awkward limo ride home. "I am the world's biggest joke." "That is not true. Not as long as Donald Trump is running for president."

According to multiple new polls, Donald Trump is still leading the field of Republican candidates for president, which I have to say is all going to be very funny until the White House is covered in gold paint.

A CNN poll has Trump with 18 percent, ahead of Jeb Bush in second place with 15 percent. This is how we do things now. We find our spouses on "The Bachelorette" and our presidents on "The Apprentice."

In Sweden on Saturday, Snoop Dogg was taken into custody on suspicion of drug use. Can you imagine them suspecting Snoop Dogg of using drugs? I don't think so.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
Donald Trump said this weekend that he is self-financing his campaign and is not beholden to donors and special interests. Or other nations. Or his party. Or the wealthy, or middle class, poor people, citizens or voters, humans, plants, animals…

Hulk Hogan is in trouble after a video surfaced showing him using the n-word during a sex tape. You know it's bad when a 61-year-old man makes a sex tape with his friend's wife and that's not the gross part.

New York Governor Andrew Cuomo today announced a new plan to improve LaGuardia Airport. That's right, they're going to burn it down.

A California couple last week had to be rescued during their first date after they got lost on a hike in the woods. Said the man, “Whoa, whoa, whoa – ‘couple?'”

Snoop Dogg was arrested and released in Sweden this weekend on suspicion of using illegal drugs. Officials first became suspicious in 1991.

Tue, Sep 08, 2015

#3330

Late Night From 07/28

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
I saw that Donald Trump is selling his penthouse suite at the Trump Park Avenue building here in New York City for $21 million. When asked why he's selling it now, Trump said "Hey, Americans seem to be buying everything else I'm selling, so why not strike while the iron's hot.”

Three of Donald Trump's kids have come forward to defend him, and called him “an incredible dad and role model.” Donald was so moved that he wrote one of them back into his will. “I'm not gonna tell you which one . . . it's Donald Jr.”

In several speeches and interviews, Donald Trump has brought up his book “The Art of the Deal,” and said that Obama would have negotiated a better deal with Iran if he had read it. It got even more awkward for Obama when Iran was like, “It worked for us — you guys got screwed!”

Last night was the big season finale of “The Bachelorette,” and for the second season in a row, Nick Viall made it to the final two, only to wind up losing. I dunno, man. If you lose “The Bachelorette” twice in a row, there must be something really, really RIGHT with you.

The Late Late Show with James Corden
Stephen Hawking, Elon Musk, and Apple co-founder Steve Wozniak were a part of a group of scientists that issued a warning to all of humanity that recent breakthroughs in artificial intelligence will one day lead to killer robots. Just to be clear, when I say killer robots, I don't mean like "killer robots, dude." I mean robots that will kill you.

First the robots take all the auto industry jobs. Now they're putting good, honest, hard-working assassins out of work. Where does it end?

Stephen Hawking and Elon Musk issuing a warning I can understand, but Apple founder Steve Wozniak? This is the guy I'm going listen to about the future? The dude who sold his Apple stock in 1985?

The killer robots can't be coming that soon. Like, in the movie "2001: A Space Odyssey," we were supposed to be living on the moon in the year 2001. It's 2015 and we're not even living in Detroit.

Before we start thinking about a robot future, let's get today right. We don't even have free Wi-Fi when we have signs that say free Wi-Fi.

It was announced that they are developing the very first invisible car. Why would anyone want that? An invisible car is just going to be an excuse people use when they try to walk through the Jack-in-the-Box drive-thru.

Jimmy Kimmel Live
Yesterday, the U.S. Olympic Committee announced they're withdrawing Boston's bid to host the 2024 Olympic Games. We have not been able to get a majority of the citizens of Boston to support hosting the 2024 Olympic Games. The only thing they support is throwing beer bottles at Yankees fans.

The USOC has to come up with another city from the United States to bid against Paris, Rome, and Toronto, and most people think that city will be Los Angeles — which is exciting. The summer Olympics could bring some much-needed traffic to the L.A. area.

Hey, Boston, stop sending us the crap you don't want. First Matt Damon, now this. We've had enough.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
The season finale of "The Bachelorette" was last night. And Nick was the big winner because Kaitlyn chose Shawn. I'm not sure that's the best way to tell the story how you met your fiancée. "I won her on a game show, it came down to two men and I won her."

A New York man was arrested Friday for driving an ice cream truck intoxicated wearing only underwear and yelling at children. So on the down side, he was arrested. But, on the up side, he is the Republican front-runner.

A new book by Dr. Seuss came out today called "What Pet Should I get." He was inspired to write it when his wife said, “I want a baby.”

The Orange County Fair in California is going on now, and features deep-fried Slim-Fast bars. It's perfect if you haven't decided if you want to be fat or not. The fair also features deep-fried pizza, deep-fried birthday cake, and deep-fried pickles stuffed with peanut butter.

Not featured at the Orange County Fair: oranges. Not a single, solitary orange.

Wed, Sep 09, 2015

#3331

Late Night From 07/29

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
It seems like every day, another candidate comes out of the woodwork. In fact this week, a man from Iowa whose actual legal name is Deez Nuts, announced that he is running for president. Then Americans looked at the other candidates and said, “He can't be worse than DOZE nuts.”

The NFL upheld Tom Brady's four-game suspension yesterday, and said the decision involved the fact that Brady destroyed his cellphone just before he was investigated. Then Hillary said, “You didn't have to destroy it — you just switch the SIM card memory chip! Uh, so I've heard. I don't know. Bye. Gotta go."

A dentist from Minnesota went on one of those big-game hunting trips in Africa and ended up illegally killing a pretty famous lion named Cecil. So many people hate this guy, Donald Trump is considering him as a running mate. "This guy is the worst. He's perfect for my campaign."

A recent study shows that standing at work for long periods of time is bad for you, after earlier research indicated that sitting for too long at work is bad for you. So really the only thing we know is, work is bad for you.

The Late Late Show with James Corden
A designer in New York is developing the world's first spray-on condom. True story. If you're wondering how this works — it doesn't.

There's a new app out called MileHi that allows users to find people on their flight who are looking to have sex. This app is the most downloaded app at check-in and the most deleted app at baggage claim. No one is finding their soul mate on this app. It must be so frustrating when the guy is like, "I'm not really looking for anything long-term. I'm actually changing planes in Phoenix."

Jimmy Kimmel Live
There's a new study that says standing for prolonged periods of time on the job can lead to long-term back pain and musculoskeletal disorders. Which is kind of funny because for the last three years all we've been hearing is how bad it is to sit all day at work. Maybe the problem isn't standing or sitting, maybe the problem is work.

Donald Trump — there are still 15 months to go in this election, he was all over the news again today. He's on everything all the time. I don't know how he's going to keep up this pace. Donald Trump has reached a saturation level that is nothing short of Kardashian-esque.

A hot new surf destination has been discovered and it's none other than North Korea. Up until this point, surfboards have been used primarily as a means of escape from North Korea. I can't think of any country that embodies the easygoing surfer attitude more than North Korea. The Beach Boys should definitely write a song about this.

The NFL upheld the four-game suspension they imposed on Tom Brady for his suspected role in Deflategate, which upset Tom Brady — he was expecting it to be reduced, especially since one of his colleagues got a two-game suspension for hitting his wife in an elevator.

The league upheld the suspension because they said Tom Brady willfully obstructed his investigation by telling his assistant to destroy his cellphone. The way the NFL is reacting to this, you'd think they caught Tom Brady running a meth lab under Gillette Stadium.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
Donald Trump said yesterday that he would love to have Sarah Palin in his administration because she is somebody who knows what's happening. Said Sarah Palin, "Trump's running for president? When did that happen?"

Chris Christie said yesterday if he's elected, he'll fight against legalized marijuana, so Colorado and Washington residents had better, quote, "Smoke that pot now." Colorado and Washington residents said, "OK. That was the plan all along. Are you guys trying to trick us? Hey, if you're a cop, you have to tell us. You're eating doughnuts."

A teen couple has won over $20,000 in scholarship money for making their prom outfits. They made their prom outfits entirely from duct tape. Unfortunately, they had to spend it all on hospital bills after taking the outfits off.

Scientists said yesterday that the T. rex may have had teeth serrated like a steak knife, which may have helped it eat meat more efficiently. Experts believe the T. rex evolved the knife-like teeth after having so much trouble using regular silverware.

Thu, Sep 10, 2015

#3332

Late Night From 07/30

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
We're in the middle of a heat wave here in New York City, and temperatures are supposed to be in the 90s for the next several days. In fact Donald Trump was so mad about the weather, he actually gave away Al Roker's personal phone number.

Trump said if his presidential campaign fails, he will “ride into the sunset." And if Donald Trump WINS the presidency, Hillary says she's gonna ride off a cliff like Thelma and Louise.

Former Virginia Governor Jim Gilmore officially announced his campaign yesterday, bringing the total number of Republican candidates to 17. Here's how I know that's too many: If I saw 17 people in line for the BATHROOM, I'd be like, “NOPE! I'll hold it until 2020.”

This isn't good. Democratic Congressman Chaka Fattah of Pennsylvania could face up to 100 years in jail, after he was charged with several counts of corruption. Which would explain Chaka's new name: Chaka Con.

I saw that the D.C. newspaper The Hill published its annual list of the 50 most beautiful people in politics yesterday. And once again, it only had five people on it.

The Late Late Show with James Corden
A man in the U.K. Is in hot water with his wife because the Google street view camera caught him having a cigarette in their driveway after he claimed to have quit smoking. If you're trying to not get caught doing something, maybe go somewhere that's not six feet from your front door.

That's like a drug dealer going, "Don't meet me in front of the police station. Meet me at the Pinkberry next to the police station. It's just safer that way."

Kentucky Fried Chicken has come out with something called the KFC Memories Bucket, which prints pictures of you and your friends eating their chicken. You don't need a bucket that creates memories at KFC. You need a bucket that destroys memories.

Jimmy Kimmel Live
Summer the best, really it is. Summer is to the four seasons what Frankie Valli is to the Four Seasons — a little joke for the older folks.

Angry Birds 2 was released today. It's about time. The other day I was forced to throw a seagull at the wall.

The original game was hugely popular and made many millions of dollars. You'd think all that success would have made the birds happy, but apparently not. They are still very, very angry.

Donald Trump is still leading all Republican candidates for president. A new Quinnipiac University poll, which of all the major polls is the hardest to say, has Donald Trump ahead.

While Donald Trump leads the Republican field by a wide margin right now, he seems to be unelectable. The same poll shows him losing to Hillary Clinton by 12 points. Losing to Joe Biden by 12 points. Losing by 8 points to Bernie Sanders. He's 5 points behind Bill Cosby.

"Rogue Nation" opens tomorrow, the fifth movie in the "Mission: Impossible" franchise. I'm starting to think the mission is possible. Four times in a row and probably for a fifth.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
You hear less about Hillary Clinton, she's not giving a lot of interviews because I think she's looking at everyone else who's running for president, and she's thinking, “If I keep my mouth shut, I think I've got this thing.”

Hillary Clinton revealed today she thinks her biggest weakness is her impatience. Said the interviewer, "Mrs. Clinton, I haven't asked you anything yet."

Hillary also said today that her greatest strength is her passionate commitment to helping people. For instance, there was that time in 2008 when she helped a young black man from Chicago become president.

NFL training camp began today for many teams. As usual, the New England Patriots camp began with the ceremonial burning of the rule book.

A director for the show "Law & Order" was arrested yesterday on child pornography charges. But I don't think he did it, because it's never the first guy they arrest.

Fri, Sep 11, 2015

#3333

Late Night From 07/31

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
It seems like everybody's weighing in on Trumps campaign - even Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban. He said that Trump is “probably the best thing to happen to politics in a long, long time.” Then Trump was like, “Well, at least one Cuban loves me.”

Jeb Bush participated in his first Spanish-language interview with Telemundo this week, where he said he's more optimistic than the other candidates. And you can tell he's optimistic, cuz he thinks speaking in Spanish will help him with REPUBLICANS.

Nintendo announced a profit this quarter, marking a turnaround from its recent earnings slide. They were actually close to going bankrupt until they hit up-up-down-down-left-right-B-A-select-start and got more lives.

A new report says that San Francisco is the most expensive city for single people in the U.S., due to the cost of gym memberships, date nights, and clothing. So if you don't mind being overweight, alone and naked, San Francisco is actually quite affordable.

Sat, Sep 12, 2015

#3334

Late Night From 08/03

The Late Late Show with James Corden
HitchBOT, the lovable hitchhiking robot, hitched safely across Canada, made it to the East Coast of the United States, but unfortunately didn't get out of Philadelphia alive. To be fair, Philadelphia is the city that pelted Santa Claus with snowballs. They threw batteries at their own baseball team, and forced Will Smith to go live with his auntie and uncle in Bel Air.

Poor sweet HitchBOT was vandalized, his head and arms were torn off, and then he was left on the side of the road. When reached for comment, Philadelphia said, "Yep. That sounds about right."

Late Night With Seth Meyers
Donald Trump is still leading the Republican polls, with support from 19 percent of voters. Of course, it's only a matter of time before Trump slips up and says something completely sane.

Dr. Dre has announced that he will release his first album in 15 years. Wow, we've waited 15 years for a follow-up? I guess he really is a doctor.

Oreo has come out with a new lower calorie cookie called Oreo Thins. Which is also a good way to describe people who eat them. “I wouldn't say you're fat, I'd say you're ... Oreo Thin.”


The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
In a recent interview, Hillary Clinton said that one of the jobs that prepared her to be president was sliming fish in Alaska. As opposed to Bill, who learned by catching crabs in Cancun.

After Donald Trump gave out Lindsey Graham's personal phone number a couple of weeks ago, the website Gawker gave out Trump's personal cellphone number. Which backfired when Trump just speed-insulted everyone who called him: Loser. Moron. Idiot. Loser.

Jeb Bush's campaign and the super PACs supporting him have raised more than $120 million so far. In fact, Jeb's campaign was this weekend's second highest grossing "Mission: Impossible."

Chris Christie, John Kasich, and Rick Perry are currently fighting for the final two spots in Thursday's Republican debate. It's going to be tough – Chris Christie really wants those two spots.

Happy birthday to Tom Brady, who turned 38 years old today. He had a great party, but it got weird when someone caught him letting air out of the balloons.

Conan O'Brien
Another American is in trouble for hunting a lion. First a dentist, now a doctor is also being accused of illegal lion hunting in Zimbabwe. Here's my question: Whatever happened to golf, seriously? They used to play golf, doctors, right?

Donald Trump has fired a campaign adviser for posting racist remarks on Facebook. Isn't that shocking? Donald Trump has a campaign adviser.

There's a rumor out there that the CEO of Starbucks might run for president. In fact, he opened up his first campaign headquarters and another one right across the street.

The International Olympic Committee has officially recognized Ultimate Frisbee as an Olympic sport. The news was greeted with excitement by thousands of guys named Chad. Guys named Chad everywhere: “This is awesome! I'm going to the Olympics!”

Sun, Sep 13, 2015

#3335

Late Night From 08/04

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
We have the great Don Rickles on the show tonight. He's a guy known for brilliantly insulting everyone in the room — or as Donald Trump calls him, “the original me.”

The International Olympic Committee is officially recognizing ultimate Frisbee, which means it might actually be in the next Olympics. They say ultimate Frisbee will be the first Olympic sport where athletes are disqualified for NOT testing positive for drugs.

Over the weekend in Iran, temperatures reached 165 degrees, one of the highest temperatures ever recorded on earth. In fact, it was so hot in Iran, American flags burst into flames on their own.

It was so hot in Iran, they changed their name from Iran to "Iwalked."

Conan O'Brien
Thursday night is the first Republican presidential candidates' debate. Just like "Celebrity Apprentice," you'll see Donald Trump on TV yelling at people you barely recognize.

Donald Trump's phone number has been leaked. When you call Trump's cellphone number it plays a campaign message. If you want to hear Trump's message in English, press one. If you want to hear it in Spanish, you probably don't follow the news.

Ben from Ben & Jerry's has endorsed Bernie Sanders for president. After hearing this, Chris Christie said, "After all we've been through together?"

UFC champion Ronda Rousey will be the next model for Carl's Jr. Carl's Jr. chose Rousey because she also knows what it's like to damage someone's organs in less than 30 seconds.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
Kermit the Frog and Miss Piggy announced today that they're ending their relationship of nearly 30 years. I guess in the end, Miss Piggy just had a fear of commitment.

It was so hot in Sochi this past weekend, they created a new Olympic sport, "downhill water skiing."

Mon, Sep 14, 2015

#3336

Late Night From 08/05

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
Tomorrow night is the first Republican debate. Which means Donald Trump's hair and makeup team should be getting started right about now.

The debate rules state that the highest-polling candidate is given the middle podium, which means Donald Trump will be center stage tomorrow night. Well, that and the fact that he was going to stand there anyway.

Delta and United Airlines announced this week that they will no longer allow passengers to transport animals that they killed on hunting trips. Which begs the question: "There was a time when you COULD do that?"

Conan O'Brien
The Republican presidential debate is tomorrow night. People have already come up with drinking games for it. The most popular game is the one where you skip the debate and go out drinking.

Among the debaters tomorrow night is Ben Carson who is a neurosurgeon. Carson says he's not there to debate, he's there to diagnose exactly what's wrong with Donald Trump.

Donald Trump has come out in favor of shutting down Planned Parenthood. However, experts say, if he really wants Planned Parenthood to go under he should turn it into a Trump property.

A new study finds that Michelle Obama's "Let's Move" program may have caused people to actually gain weight. Many mistook the slogan to mean, let's move next door to a Cinnabon.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
Singer Robin Thicke is engaged to his 20-year-old girlfriend. I guess he wanted somebody who was too young to remember "Blurred Lines."

Kendall Jenner and Nick Jonas are reportedly dating. They have a lot in common. For example, no one's sure which one that is.

Tue, Sep 15, 2015

#3337

Late Night From 08/06

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
Tonight is the first Republican debate over on Fox News. The moderator, Chris Wallace, said there's “so doggone many” candidates, and that he planned on asking them some “doozies.” He would've said more but he had to go back to the soda shop he works at in 1954.

There was a bit of a controversy at a Whole Foods in California that was charging six bucks for something called Asparagus Water. People were upset over this. Although, if you like drinking water that smells like asparagus, you're probably a dog and that's a toilet.

As part of something called “Summer Streets,” a 270-foot water slide is being set up in New York City this month. So tune into your local news to see how that goes horribly wrong.

Lay's is once again letting people vote on its newest flavor of potato chips. Or as Americans put it, “Finally, an election we care about.”

Conan O'Brien
The big Republican debate is tonight. Everyone is curious what Donald Trump's going to do, right? Political analysts say Trump's game plan is to wing it and see what happens. It's the same game plan used by his barber.

Donald Trump said prior to the debate that he wants to be very civil. He said that instead of referring to all Hispanics as criminals, he'll call them criminal Americans.

They're trying to figure out who should replace Alexander Hamilton on the $10 bill. The top choice is Eleanor Roosevelt. So better luck next time, Iggy Azalea.

A woman who just celebrated her 110th birthday credits her longevity to drinking lots of beer and Johnny Walker. Technically, her liver's 110. The woman herself is 43.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
Tonight was the first Republican primary debate. If you missed it, just imagine your uncle at Thanksgiving dinner, and then multiply by 10.

It was reported this week that scientists are looking to reduce greenhouse gasses by limiting flatulence from cows. The way it works is, they're gonna send all the cows on a bunch of first dates.

The Tampa Bay Buccaneers are being accused of sexism over a new campaign to target female fans by providing simplified explanations of basic rules. But if that's the most sexist thing that happens in football this year, it's a pretty good year.

Wed, Sep 16, 2015

#3338

Late Night From 08/07

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
One of the candidates at the early GOP debate, George Pataki, said his routine before every debate is to drink a diet lemon Snapple iced tea and pray. Which is also the advice Chris Christie gets from his doctor.

A clothing company is making T-shirts inspired by Bernie Sanders with messages like “Feel the Bern.” They were gonna make them for Lincoln Chafee too, but no one wants to wear a shirt that says “Feel the Chafee.”

At a recent education summit, President Obama admitted that he can't rap. When they heard, Americans said, “Good!”

According to a new survey, about half of the world thinks kissing is gross. That half is known as "married people."

Thu, Sep 17, 2015

#3339

Late Night From 08/10

The Late Late Show with James Corden
A Florida man was arrested for throwing potato salad at a nail salon. During his arrest, he said, "I've been drinking and taking Xanax. What do you expect me to do?" Well, not that, although I do sympathize. When I was trying to give up carbs, I once threw a bowl of spaghetti at a karate studio.

The disgrace of this is that it happened at a nail salon. Five feet away were women paying $40 just to have their toenails buffed, but he's the crazy one?

Late Night With Seth Meyers
Donald Trump's top strategist has stepped down after Trump seemed to imply last week that Megyn Kelly was menstruating during the debate. Even more shocking, Donald Trump has had a campaign strategist this entire time.

Bernie Sanders drew over 20,000 people to his campaign event in Portland this weekend. Sounds impressive, but remember, it's Portland. You can draw a crowd of 20,000 people with a Frisbee.


The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
After being accused of making sexist comments about Republican debate moderator Megyn Kelly, Donald Trump went on CNN yesterday and said, “I cherish women. I want to help women.” Then Hillary said, “Well, you're really helping THIS woman.”

A top aide to Donald Trump says he quit the campaign this weekend because of Trump's public feuds, but Trump said he was fired. When asked what he was fired for, Trump said, “Quitting!”

During the earlier debate, Rick Perry said that if he were elected he would "tear up" the nuclear agreement with Iran. Then Obama had it laminated just to mess with him.

A new report claims that William Shakespeare was a marijuana user and may have been high when he wrote some of his plays. Which explains that one line: “To be, or not to be . . . Wait, what was the question?”

Conan O'Brien
Donald Trump insisted he's always had a great relationship with women. He said, "I believe a woman can be anything she wants to be, whether that's Miss USA or Miss Universe. Either one."

North Korea is creating its own time zone. It's going to push the country's time back a half hour. So it's not bad enough that they don't have food and they're ruled by an insane dictator. Now they have to wait until 8:00 to watch "Wheel of Fortune."

For the first time American astronauts on the International Space Station ate vegetables grown in space. In other words, even space is getting more rain than California.

Artifacts found in William Shakespeare's home suggest he may have been a marijuana user. Apparently he was doing a couple of drugs because he also had a rough draft of "The Taming of the Shroom."

Fri, Sep 18, 2015

#3340

Late Night From 08/11
Part 1

The Late Late Show with James Corden
According to a new study conducted by Facebook, the laughter signifier "LOL," or laughing out loud, is barely being used anymore. That's right, LOL is dead. Of course nobody was ever actually laughing out loud to begin with.

Nobody literally means it when they write LOL. It's just a saying, like "I'm going to the gym" or "It's so great running into you."

Just because LOL is dead on Facebook doesn't mean it's dead in real life. If it's like any other dying trend, LOL will continue to be used by senior citizens and Christian rock bands for at least a decade.

The study goes on to reveal that instead of writing LOL, people are writing "haha," which works in print, but if you ever actually laugh like that in real life you sound like you're being really sarcastic.

Personally I'm glad that LOL is getting a break, because it can go back to meaning what your mother always knew it meant — lots of love.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
Donald Trump said today that he has made up with Fox News over his controversial comments toward Megyn Kelly. And if there's anything Trump and Fox are great at, it's making things up.

Bristol Palin announced on her blog today that she is supporting Donald Trump for president. She said she wasn't planning to but it just kind of happened.

Hillary Clinton pushed back against Donald Trump's claim that she went to his wedding because of his donations and said she actually attended because she thought, "It'd be fun." Added Hillary, “Am I saying that right — Fun?”

Police in Brazil are looking for hackers responsible for broadcasting 15 minutes worth of hardcore porn on monitors in a bus station. The people in the Brazilian bus station were disgusted, and then the porn came on.


The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
Hillary Clinton has a $350 billion plan that she says will make college more affordable. Which has to be better than my parents' plan to make college affordable: “Be good at sports.”

A PAC supporting Hillary Clinton just received an anonymous donation of $1 million. Which means that if she wins any of us can say that it was us that gave her the million bucks and hit her up for a favor.

What's really interesting is that this million-dollar donation from an anonymous donor came just two weeks after Hillary spoke out against, quote, “the endless flow of secret, unaccountable money” into campaigns. Then she said, "Starting now! Unaccountable money is awful. Cash it quick!"

According to an online poll, Donald Trump is still the front-runner in the Republican primary race. It's very impressive because it's the only race left that he hasn't offended yet.

Conan O'Brien
Liberal Democrat Bernie Sanders had a rally in Los Angeles last night attended by over 27,000 supporters. The rally set the world record for most Priuses in one parking lot.

A new poll shows that Hillary Clinton is only six points ahead of Bernie Sanders. Today a very confident Hillary said, "Oh, please. Like I'm going to lose the Democratic nomination to a left-wing senator nobody's ever heard of?"

The New York Jets have released a linebacker for breaking their quarterback's jaw in a fight in the locker room. In other words, the Jets finally get a player who can hit and they release him.

A new bar in London specializes in something called "breathable booze." As we called that growing up in my house, standing next to uncle Patrick for five minutes.

Sat, Sep 19, 2015

#3341

Late Night From 08/12

The Late Late Show with James Corden
In Kentucky a high school senior and starting point guard on the basketball team was omitted from the team's yearbook page. Some are saying it's because he's gay. His school says it was an oversight. That's like not putting Tom Cruise on the poster for "Mission Impossible."

I was omitted from all of the sports team photos at my high school. Worse than that, I was actually omitted from all of the sports teams.

You know what really gets me? I had some great auditions for the football team, for the cricket team, and they said one of the reasons they wouldn't have me is that I called the tryouts "auditions."

Late Night With Seth Meyers
Bernie Sanders has now passed Hillary Clinton in the New Hampshire polls. It's the first time anyone's ever been passed by a guy in a Prius.

Donald Trump said in a new interview that he believes his performance in the polls shows that he has not crossed the line of appropriateness. You can read the entire interview in this month's issue of Juggs magazine.

New York Jets quarterback Geno Smith broke his jaw yesterday in training camp after getting punched in the face by a teammate. Smith tried to punch him back but his fist was intercepted and returned for a touchdown.


The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
Bernie Sanders is polling at 44 percent among Democrats in New Hampshire and has passed Hillary Clinton as the Democratic front-runner. And in another new poll, zero percent of Hillary's staffers wanted to be the one to bring her that news.

Officials investigating Hillary's email scandal found that two of the four classified emails on her private account had information labeled “Top Secret.” That was pretty stupid. Everyone knows if you want to hide stuff on your computer, you put it in a folder labeled "Tax Stuff 2008.”

Things might be slowing down a bit for Donald Trump. He recently dropped nine points in some of the latest polls. When he heard that, Trump said, “Oh no. Was it everything I said?”

In a recent interview, Jeb Bush revealed that his brother George gave him the nickname “tortoise” because he's making slow, steady progress. Though I think the bigger story here is that compared to George, Jeb is the slow one.

Conan O'Brien
Astronomers report that the universe is dying and we only have a few billion years left to live. With that in mind, tonight let's waste an hour of that time together.

Bernie Sanders is now leading Hillary Clinton in New Hampshire. He's seven points ahead. So forget those emails from when she was secretary of state. I want to see the emails Hillary sent out this morning.

Donald Trump refuses to give details about his policy plans. Trump apologized by saying, "When I announced I was running for president, I had no idea people would take me seriously.”

Maria Sharapova and Serena Williams are the highest paid female athletes in the world. After hearing this, Ronda Rousey beat them up and took their money.

Sun, Sep 20, 2015

#3342

Late Night From 08/13

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
Writer Jonah Winter is writing a children's book picture book about Hillary Clinton's life. They say it's the perfect gift for the nephew you hate. “Happy Birthday! Here's a picture book about a woman in her 60s.”

North Korea has declared its own time zone that they are calling “Pyongyang Time,” and set their clocks back half an hour. So if it's say, 11:40 here now in New York, in North Korea it's still 1925.

Conan O'Brien
Despite all of his sexist comments, 20 percent of Republican women still support Donald Trump. When asked why, the women said, "Because he's paying us alimony."

Yesterday was National Middle Child Day. It's a holiday that doesn't matter much — just like a middle child.

If you didn't notice National Middle Child Day, you celebrated it correctly, by the way.

A new study claims that first grade students are getting three times more homework than they should be doing. This is coming from the lead researcher, "Timmy."

Late Night With Seth Meyers
Donald Trump gave a speech yesterday where he accused Jeb Bush and Hillary Clinton of being under the control of lobbyists, special interests, and deep-pocketed donors. Trump says we should vote for him because he's not under control at all.

Despite no longer working for Donald Trump, former campaign strategist Roger Stone said today that he still fully supports his former boss. At which point, Trump said, “OK, cut him down.”

The CEO of the dating app Tinder is leaving after just five months with the company. Though five months is still Tinder's longest relationship.

Mon, Sep 21, 2015

#3343

Late Night From 08/14

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
According to a new report, the word that Donald Trump said most often in last week's debate was “I'm.” The word he says the least: “Sorry.”

Rand Paul recently told reporters that his campaign is going to focus on taking down Donald Trump. Then Trump said, “I've tried it myself. It doesn't work.”

There are reports that Justin Bieber's next album will be released in November. As usual, Justin is expected to collaborate with a number of other artists including Skrillex, Diplo, A$AP Rocky, Flipcoin, 2 Chainz, Lowdown, and Rihanna. And yes, I just made up at least two of those names.

Tue, Sep 22, 2015

#3344

Late Night From 08/17

Jimmy Kimmel Live
This is our first show back after a two-week break, a hiatus. In television, we don't take vacations, we go on hiatuses. I have no idea why. We just do.

I made it through a whole hiatus and took no selfies at all. My camera phone doesn't even know I exist.

Donald Trump was photographed at the Iowa State Fair eating a pork chop on a stick. That's what I love about America. You can fly on a private jet and eat at five-star restaurants. But if you want to be president, when they hand you a pork chop on a stick in Iowa, you have to eat it.

Donald Trump landed his helicopter at the state fair and offered to take some kids on a ride in the helicopter. Twenty kids took the helicopter ride with Trump. He dropped them off in Texas. They're now building a wall on the border.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
Donald Trump's new policy paper would not give automatic citizenship to children born in America if they have foreign parents. Said Trump, “It's nothing personal, Sasha and Malia.”

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie said today that Hillary Clinton's arrogance is “breathtaking.” Of course, he also said the same thing about a flight of stairs.

Employees at a Days Inn in Tampa are claiming that managers told them to flip a mattress instead of replacing it after a guest died in bed. Even worse, the body is now stuck between the mattress and the box spring.

A winery in France is currently facing a rosé shortage. For those of you not familiar with these terms, a winery is a group of women who have run out of rosé.


The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
There are reports that if Joe Biden runs for president, he would promise to serve for only one term — because nothing says confidence like promising your presidency would be over quickly.

New York Governor Andrew Cuomo just signed a bill that bans powdered alcohol from the state. So if you live in New York and you're consuming powdered alcohol, your life just somehow got even worse.

Guinness World Records just declared a cat named Corduroy the oldest living cat, at 26 years old. Or as his owner put it, “Don't remind me.”

At this weekend's Rogers Cup semifinals in Montreal, tennis star Novak Djokovic complained that the smell of marijuana near the court was throwing off his game. Which really is classic Djokovic — great on clay, but always struggles on grass.

Conan O'Brien
Chris Christie said he will top Donald Trump's Iowa State Fair helicopter entrance by riding in on a pony. As a result, all the ponies in Iowa have gone into hiding.

This weekend many of the Republican candidates said they used a fit bit. In fact, Jeb Bush uses his to see how much distance he can put between himself and his last name.

Starbucks announced that their pumpkin spice latte will now be made with a little bit of pumpkin. Also, their Frappuccino will now be made with a little bit of Al Pacino.

A man set a new world record after kicking himself in the head 134 times in one minute. He broke the previous record of zero.

Wed, Sep 23, 2015

#3345

Late Night From 08/18

Jimmy Kimmel Live
For a lot of children, the party known as summer is over today. The pencils are sharpened. The taters have been totted. Do you know it's illegal to send your kid to school without posting a picture of the kid with a backpack?

Don't worry, kids. School will end eventually and then you'll get to go to a different kind of school called work, and it only ends when you get old and die.

There's boxing news. Floyd Mayweather defeated Manny Pacquiao and since that night over 30 lawsuits have been filed alleging the fight was a fraud. People are demanding their $100 back on the grounds that Pacquiao didn't reveal he had a shoulder injury until after the fight. They're Pacqui-outraged.

I was there. I paid a lot more than $100 to see that fight. But I can personally attest that it was real. It was a real boring fight, but it was a real fight. Listen, if we could sue every HBO event that was a letdown, everybody involved with the new season of "True Detective" would be in jail right now.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
Donald Trump told reporters yesterday that it would be very easy to round up all undocumented immigrants. But remember, this is the guy who couldn't even round up real celebrities.

A new CNN poll shows that Carly Fiorina has pushed Chris Christie out of the top 10 for the Republican nomination. Unfortunately, she threw her back out doing it.

A New Jersey restaurant is offering a special menu this month that doesn't list prices, but instead asks customers to pay what they think is fair. According to the sign in the window, the restaurant is called "This Space for Rent."

Google has announced that the next version of its Android phone software will be called Marshmallow. It'll be similar to the last version but with s'more features.


The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
Apparently President Obama's favorite cocktail is a martini. When asked how he likes it, he said, “On the beach, in Hawaii, in 2017.”

According to a new poll, Jeb Bush saw a 6 percent drop in support after the first debate, but experts say he still has a shot because he's “likable” and “qualified.” Then Donald Trump said, “Weird, the opposite is working for me.”

The White House is worried about Joe Biden's potential run for president, and a source says they fear that it wouldn't have the right outcome. That's right, they think he might win.

This week the Obama administration warned China to remove its secret agents from the U.S. Then in the middle of Obama's announcement a plant behind him got up and walked away.

Conan O'Brien
Donald Trump unveiled his immigration policy and now he's getting a lot of flak. His policy would have prevented his own grandfather from coming to America. That explains his new campaign slogan: "Vote Trump to prevent another Trump."

Donald Trump is the grandson of German immigrants. Don't worry. The last time a German guy with crazy hair took over a country, everything turned out fine.

Jeb Bush cheated on his diet and had a fried Snickers bar, pork on a stick, and a beer. Jeb Bush said he ate it so at least he could see some of his numbers go up.

A company is developing an elevator that can take you into space. Don't you hate it when you're going to Jupiter and someone gets on the elevator and presses "Mars"?

The Late Late Show with James Corden
Steelers linebacker James Harrison made his sons return two school sports trophies that they received just for participating. He said, "These trophies will be given back until they earn a real trophy." Why do I feel like James Harrison would be the first dad to volunteer his kids for "The Hunger Games"?

When I was in school, I used to give myself a participation trophy. It was called a Snickers bar.

Now that I'm a father it's more complicated. When my son and I race, I let him win. So now he thinks he's really fast. I don't have the heart to tell him that anybody can beat me in a race.

The first time my son went to the bathroom by himself, my wife and I applauded wildly. Now I'm afraid that when he grows up and goes to the restroom he's going to ask the guy in the next stall for a little applause. So I agree with James Harrison. We should be able to exist without constant praise and know that achievement is a reward in itself.

Thu, Sep 24, 2015

#3346

Late Night From 08/19

Jimmy Kimmel Live
The FDA has approved a prescription pill to enhance a woman's sex drive. Addyi has been nicknamed "pink Viagra." It's interesting how it actually works. You don't take it yourself. You give the pill to your husband and it makes him do the dishes, and then you have sex.

If you're in a relationship with a man who has to take a pill and you're a woman who has to take one to get interested, maybe you should just watch TV instead.

Hackers have breached the Ashley Madison website, the married dating service. They got names, email addresses, and phone numbers for over 32 million users. There are 150 million men in the U.S. and half are either children or old. So if you're wondering if your husband's name is on there, yes it is on there. He's probably sweating right now.

According to the hackers, members of the Ashley Madison site are 95 percent men. This is why we need the Addyi pill, to get the numbers up for the ladies.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
A new CNN poll shows that Donald Trump is within six points of Hillary Clinton. It's the closest Trump has ever gotten to a woman over 40.

According to a new list, Nashville is the friendliest city in America. While Philadelphia beat up the person who was putting together the list.

Former Subway spokesman Jared Fogle has pleaded guilty to child pornography charges. If convicted, he could be in jail for the next 35 to 40 sub-tembers.

Donald Trump said this week that he no longer thinks Heidi Klum is attractive enough to be called a 10. And then Jared Fogle ran in and said, “Wait, who's 10?”


The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
The beautiful Heidi Klum is on the show tonight. Donald Trump was actually quoted as saying that Heidi is "no longer a 10.” Heidi said the comment didn't bother her, especially coming from someone who was never even a 4.

Trump recently said he won't eat Oreos anymore because the company that makes them moved to Mexico. Then Chris Christie said, “Does that mean I can start dipping them in salsa?”

The TSA's airport body scanners have been shown to be so ineffective, the Homeland Security chairman suggested using traditional metal detectors. While LaGuardia will continue to just have a scarecrow dressed as a cop.

Conan O'Brien
The Ashley Madison scandal is blowing up. Hackers have leaked the names of people on the cheaters website AshleyMadison.com. The good news, ladies, is that as of today they're single. All of them. They're living in motels right now.

Hackers have exposed the identity of nearly 40 million people on Ashley Madison. Even more shocking, two of them are women.

Today is Bill Clinton's birthday. Hillary sent Bill an e-birthday card and out of habit she immediately deleted it.

Today, Hillary Clinton released an ad that emphasized her humble economic background. In the ad she says, "Just 15 years ago, my family and I were evicted from our house."

The Late Late Show with James Corden
Up to 11 states are poised to legalize weed, which would bring the total to 14 states. Marijuana activists are thrilled. They're saying, "Wow, 14 states. That's more than half of the states."

The Idaho Department of Transportation has gotten rid of its 420-mile marker because stoners kept stealing it. The government is replacing the 420 signs with signs that read "Mile 419.9." They're going to be so upset when they realize that "419.9" is street slang for crystal meth.

Fri, Sep 25, 2015

#3347

Late Night From 08/20

Jimmy Kimmel Live
The New York Times is reporting that next week the L.A. County Sheriff's Department will present evidence to prosecute Caitlyn Jenner for her role in a fatal car accident that happened in Malibu earlier this year. Which I have to say is crazy. Caitlyn Jenner had nothing to do with that. Bruce Jenner is the one that was in that accident.

Josh Duggar was outed for signing up on Ashley Madison using the screen name "Josh the man" to meet women for sex. He released a statement today apologizing for cheating on his wife while serving as executive director of the Family Research Council. I guess that's not the sort of family research they had in mind for him.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
Donald Trump said last night that Jeb Bush is “totally out of touch on women's health issues.” Which is kind of like Jared Fogle telling you you're creepy.

According to a new survey, 17 percent of adult smartphone owners use auto-deleting apps like Snapchat and Wickr. “Yeah, uh, that's what happened!” said Hillary Clinton.

CNN's newest polls show that Donald Trump is leading Hillary Clinton in Florida. It's scary, because if that could happen in Florida, it could also happen in the United States.

A man was arrested at Denver International Airport yesterday for running onto the tarmac to try and stop a plane after he missed his flight on the way to his high school reunion. He was heard screaming after the plane, “But I lost all the weight!”


The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
Donald Trump's recent immigration plan would cost at least $166 billion. When asked how he'd pay for it, Trump was like, "No hablo inglés.”

Trump just gave a big interview to the Hollywood Reporter. And when he was asked what actor he'd want to play him in a movie, he said, “Somebody really, really handsome.” Then he said, “OK, I'll do it! I talked me into it!"

Trump said he thinks Hillary Clinton should face up to 20 years in prison over her email scandal. When they heard that, even the ladies on "Orange Is the New Black" were like, "Oh God, please no. Move us.”

Starbucks just announced that its Pumpkin Spice Latte will now include real pumpkin. You'll know the drink has real pumpkin when it tastes disgusting.

The Cadillac Escalade EXT is the most popular car driven in New York. Partly because they're stylish, but mostly because New Yorkers like to have a place to stretch out when they leave their apartments.

Conan O'Brien
At Ohio State University, it was just announced a tiny human brain has been grown in a lab. Isn't that crazy? And it's already announced its support for Trump for president.

It has come out that implementing Donald Trump's immigration policy would cost taxpayers $166 billion. Today Trump said, “So what? You spend the money, you declare bankruptcy, and then you start a new country. Boom. Right? You move on.”

A study found that many types of head lice have mutated and now have become resistant to over-the-counter treatments. The problem has scientists scratching their heads.

Sat, Sep 26, 2015

#3348

Late Night From 08/21

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
In an interview this week, Jeb Bush said that if he had a magic wand, there are at least ten things that he would like change about the Constitution. Then Jeb Bush was given the prize for "lamest use of a magic wand."

A new poll shows that Jeb Bush is now even more unpopular than Donald Trump. Or as Jeb put it, "Well, at least there's one poll where I'm ahead of Trump."

Donald Trump had an interview with CNN in the lobby of the Trump Tower Hotel this week, and apparently someone yelled, "You'll never win the Latino vote." And then immediately, Trump had the guy deported over to La Quinta Hotel.

Trump was also recently quoted saying he can't remember the last time he apologized. His barber said, "Well, I definitely remember the last time I apologized."

Sun, Sep 27, 2015

#3349

Late Night From 08/24

Conan O'Brien
Today the stock market plunged 600 points and One Direction announced they're breaking up. Yes, both of these things happened. It was good timing for me because when people asked why I was sobbing uncontrollably, I was able to blame it on the stock market.

Today China's stock market went down 8 percent and France and Germany's both went down 5 percent. When asked for comment Greece said, "boo-hoo."

A 108-year-old message in a bottle washed up on a beach in Europe. Actually, it wasn't a message, it was Larry King's to-do list.

Jimmy Kimmel Live
Donald Trump had a rally at a football stadium in Mobile, Alabama, after planning to have it in a hotel ballroom. It got too big for the ballroom, so they moved it to the convention center. It got too big for the convention center, so they moved it to a football stadium. Apparently the strategy of saying whatever crazy thing pops into your head is really paying off for him.

President-elect Trump discusses all of the big issues, China, opponents, Univision, Mexico, Oreos … everything. He even talked about the weather and how the weather might affect his hair. "You know if it rains I will take off my hat and I will prove, I will prove once and for all that it's mine. Okay." Sounds good to me. Why not just dip it in a bucket? You don't have to wait for the rain.

Jeb Bush has photo shopped a photo for an ad which gives him a black left hand and a much different looking body. Jeb just can't get it right. I wonder if his black hand handshake is different from the white hand handshake.

Mon, Sep 28, 2015

#3350

Late Night From 08/25

Conan O'Brien
Yesterday China's stock market crashed causing many of its richest citizens to lose millions. In a related story, Jackie Chan just signed on for "Rush Hour" five through 10. He'll make all of them. Pretty good for a 74-year-old man.

It's come out that Donald Trump's grandfather owned a brothel. When reached for comment trump said, screwing people for money is a long family tradition.

South Korea has agreed to stop broadcasting insulting propaganda over the North Korean border. They've agreed to stop doing it. They've also canceled their Comedy Central roast of Kim Jong Un.

It is rumored that the new iPhones are going to use facial recognition technology to unlock your phone. Of course, if you live in Los Angeles the iPhone will store up to six of your previous faces.

In Florida, a man proposed to his girlfriend in the produce aisle of a whole foods. He got down on one knee and told her, "this ring cost as much as those organic grapes, $7,000." Have you been to whole foods recently? I'm telling you, it's expensive!

Jimmy Kimmel Live
A spokesman for the White House yesterday said Vice President Joe Biden has received president Obama's blessing to run for president. Not that he necessarily needs it, but Biden hasn't made a decision yet, but he plans to as soon as Amazon delivers the magic eight ball he ordered.

There was a time when it seemed unimaginable that Joe Biden could ever be taken seriously enough to win his party's nomination, but Donald Trump just blew that idea right out the window.

A lot of people are upset because Jeb Bush used the term "anchor babies" to describe children born of illegal immigrants. Calling a child an anchor baby is almost as derogatory as calling a child Jeb. But he was in McAllen, Texas, defending himself, reminding everyone that his wife is Mexican. You don't mention that your wife is Mexican as much as Jeb Bush.

Bill Gates alone, lost $3.2 billion on the stock market yesterday. To put that in perspective, that's like a regular person losing a dollar in a vending machine.

The CEO of Starbucks sent the message to Starbucks employees yesterday, instructing them to be sensitive to customers who might be feeling stressed out about the market. I like that the place that charges $5 for a cup of coffee is concerned about our finances.

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