Jokes of the day

3301 - 3325

Newest

Mon, Aug 10, 2015

#3301

Late Night From 06/18/15

Jimmy Kimmel Live
Donald Trump is running for president, which so far is everything I could have hoped for and more. He made his announcement in front of a packed crowd of supporters. But according to The Hollywood Reporter, his camp hired actors to go and then hold up signs and cheer for him. Well, Trump did say he was going to create jobs.

Trump's people deny these allegations. But the casting agency that supposedly sent out the job listing refused to comment. I don't blame Trump. It's embarrassing. It's the political equivalent of paying kids to come to your birthday party.

Father's Day is three days away. That’s the day you call your father and talk to him for four seconds and then he hands the phone to your mother.

The world's oldest person has died. Again. Third time this year. Someone is killing the world's oldest people and we do nothing about it.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
According to a new poll, 58 percent of New Jersey residents support legalizing marijuana. I think they just want to finally have a good answer to the question, “What’s that smell?”

It was announced today that printed physical copies of Wikipedia will soon be available for sale. Of course I’m not sure that’s true because I read it on Wikipedia.


The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
I want to remind everyone that there are just three days left until Father’s Day. But more importantly, there are 324 days left until next Mother’s Day.

Hillary Clinton signed a note this week for a nine-year-old boy, explaining to his teacher that he was missing school to meet her. In exchange, the kid wrote Hillary a note saying his dog ate her emails.

The Obama administration announced that a woman will replace Alexander Hamilton on the $10 bill starting in 2020. I want to be the first person to congratulate Caitlyn Hamilton.

Conan O'Brien
At his campaign launch, Donald Trump apparently paid extras $50 to cheer for him at the rally. Trump said, "Usually when I pay a person to like me, it's my wife."

The FDA has ruled that trans fat, the main ingredient in junk food, has to be off the shelves within three years. Just as they're legalizing marijuana they're destroying junk food. Do one or do the other. You can't do them both.

The Late Late Show with James Corden
According to The New York Times, one of the biggest doping scandals in the history of track and field is coming to light. It involves Russian athletes in the sport of racewalking — or as it's known to the billions of people who do it every day, "hurrying up."

I believe you should always play by the rules. But I understand why there might be cheating in a sport where the rules are, "Go as fast as you can, except don't."

You need just the right drugs for racewalking. What do you tell your dealer? "Yeah, man, just a half-dose. That stuff you gave me last time was really strong. It nearly made me break into a jog."

It's a bad sign if you can't distinguish between a sport and a group of people rushing to the bathroom. Doping for racewalking is like robbing a bank that you know has only $2 in it.

Tue, Aug 11, 2015

#3302

Late Night From 06/19

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
In an interview yesterday, Donald Trump called Jeb Bush a reluctant warrior and said he thinks Jeb is an unhappy person. Which is interesting coming from a guy who always looks like he just ate a lemon.

Red Sox third baseman Pablo Sandoval was forced to sit out last night, after he was caught “liking” pictures of women on Instagram during a game. The team actually benched him. Even worse, when he got home, his girlfriend couched him.

This weekend people in Japan can start purchasing “Pepper,” which is a four-foot-tall robot that can keep you company and guess your mood. Though, if you just bought a robot to keep you company, how hard can it be to guess your mood? Lonely.

There are reports that Amazon may be able to launch its drone delivery program within the next year. So if you hear your doorbell and see a robot hovering near your house, it could be the end of the world . . . or, the 12-pack of Brita filters you ordered.

Wed, Aug 12, 2015

#3303

Late Night From 06/22

Jimmy Kimmel Live
I hope everyone who deserved it had a good Father's Day. Kids will buy cards and T-shirts and even little trophies that say their father is the best dad in the world. But the fact of the matter is that simple math tells us the vast majority of these kids are lying.

You have to wish a happy Father's Day to every dad you know. I got Father's Day text messages from 47 people. I know at least 500 fathers. For me to send 500 texts I would have to start working on this the day after Valentine's Day.

From now on I will exchange Father's Day greetings only with people who have seen me in my underpants. And in person too. If you've seen me in my underpants on TV, that doesn't count.

NBA playoff MVP Andre Iguodala is here tonight. For Father's Day his son made a replica of the championship trophy for him. He made a sculpture and waited until Father's Day. My son didn't sculpt me anything, but then I didn't win an NBA championship.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
President Obama this weekend used the N-word when speaking about race relations in America. Which explains why everyone at Fox News today kept shouting, “And I quote …”

A Pennsylvania brewery said that it is introducing a new beer to honor the late Penn State football coach, Joe Paterno. And if you give some to a minor, authorities will look the other way.


The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
I'm your host, Jimmy Fallon. And according to a mug I got yesterday, I'm also "The World's Greatest Dad!"

On Saturday, The Washington Nationals’ Max Scherzer pitched a no-hitter against the Pittsburgh Pirates. He said it was his Father’s Day gift to his dad. Then his brother said, “Uh, can you put my name on that too? I got him a mug.”

Now that President Obama has 19 months left, media outlets are speculating about what his legacy will be. Some think it could be healthcare, or the trade deal. “Yeah, what could it be?" said the first black president, Barack Obama.

Congrats to 21-year-old Jordan Spieth, who won golf’s U.S. Open yesterday. You can tell he's young because he's never heard of any of the products they advertise during golf tournaments.

Conan O'Brien
Yesterday on Father’s Day my kids gave me breakfast in bed, which I thought was sweet. My nine-year-old makes a mean mojito. Brought me a cigarette too. Rolled it himself.

On a podcast the other day, President Obama used the N-word. In a related story, his new rap album drops on Wednesday.

Newly leaked emails from Sony Pictures show there was an agreement between executives to keep Spider-Man white and straight. However, in order to please the gay community "The Fantastic Four" will now be "The Fabulous Four."

Fourteen paintings by Adolf Hitler were sold at auction in Germany. After the auction the surprised buyer said, "Wait a second, it's THAT Adolf Hitler?"

Thu, Aug 13, 2015

#3304

Late Night From 06/23

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
With Greece on the brink of defaulting on its bailouts, it's rumored that it may consider asking Vladimir Putin for a loan. Even the Devil said, “Don't do it! Don't mess with that guy.”

There are reports that North Korea has begun blocking people from using Instagram. Which is ironic, since the whole country is basically one big Throwback Thursday.

Next month Amazon will start paying authors in its Kindle library by the number of pages people read instead of how many times their book is checked out. That's great news for Amazon but not so great news for someone who, say, just wrote a kids' book that's only 15 pages long.

According to a new study, 88 percent of Facebook users have admitted to spending some time looking at their ex’s profile. While the other 12 percent have admitted to spending ALL of their time looking at their ex's profile.

Conan O'Brien
South Carolina and Mississippi are on the verge of taking down their state Capitol's Confederate flag. Here's the surprising part. They're doing it just because Taylor Swift told them to.

Amazon announced it's discontinuing products with the Confederate flag. They won't sell it. So now Amazon no longer has to use the phrase "You may also like slavery."

Chevrolet put out a press release about its newest car written only in emojis. Ford did the same. Unfortunately the emojis were a lemon and a tow truck.

Scientists believe the first modern Europeans mated with Neanderthals. This is the oldest evidence yet of beer goggles.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
NASCAR released a statement today calling for the removal of the Confederate flag from the South Carolina capitol. Released a statement? They should have sent a pit crew. That thing would be down in under nine seconds.

Johnny Depp's private village in the south of France is on the market for nearly $26 million. So he must be living somewhere else because nothing with Johnny Depp in it has made $26 million in years.

Lambeau Field in Wisconsin set a new record for ejections after nearly 300 fans were kicked out of a Kenny Chesney concert for fighting, harassment, and extreme intoxication — which is also the title of the song he was playing at the time.

General Mills announced that it will phase out all official flavors and colors from its cereals by 2017. The bad news is that now Cheerios and Fruit Loops will look exactly the same.

Fri, Aug 14, 2015

#3305

Late Night From 06/24

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
We have Arnold Schwarzenegger on the show tonight. Or Danny DeVito. It's still pretty hard to tell them apart.

Yesterday Donald Trump said if he's elected president he would rarely leave the White House to take vacations because there's so much work to do. Donald Trump is the only man who can say he's going to spend four years in a mansion and make it sound like a sacrifice.

According to a new poll, Chris Christie's approval rating as governor has hit a new low after it just dropped to 30 percent. In fact, his popularity is so low, he's the only guy in New Jersey who doesn't know a guy.

There are reports that Chris Christie is going to announce that he's running for president next week. It just so happens that our show is off next week for the Fourth of July, so I'd like to say to Chris Christie: Well played, my friend. Well played indeed. Oh, you got me.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
While leading reporters on a tour of one of his golf courses, Donald Trump said this week that “the Latinos love Trump and I love them.” And what better place for a white guy to declare his love for Latinos, than on a golf course.

Minneapolis, Minnesota, was voted the best place to celebrate the Fourth of July. The worst place to celebrate it: Iran.

Parents and children in Ohio last weekend were accidentally shown the horror film “Insidious 3” instead of Pixar’s “Inside Out” due to a projection error. On the plus side, the kids learned about emotions they didn’t even know they had.

A rare fish normally found only in the Amazon was caught yesterday in a New Jersey pond. Researchers believe the fish got to New Jersey the same way as everyone else: by giving up.

Sat, Aug 15, 2015

#3306

Late Night From 06/25

Jimmy Kimmel Live
The Supreme Court ruled to preserve the Affordable Care Act, more commonly known as Obamacare, so we now can do anything we want. We could drink, smoke, jump mini-bikes off bridges, or play chainsaw tag if we want to. If we get hurt, it's not our problem. It's America's problem, together.

Obama triumphantly declared that the Affordable Care Act is here to stay. Then he went into the Rose Garden and secretly puffed on an e-cigarette.

Tonight is the NBA draft. For those unfamiliar with it, the NBA draft is basically a job fair for very tall people.

Some people paid more than $300 for tickets to go to the NBA draft, just to sit there and watch the draft. Also, it's really your one chance to stand up and shout, "Is it me or is there a draft in here?"

Late Night With Seth Meyers
Sean Hannity asked yesterday why it is OK for President Obama's teenage daughters to go into stores and buy music chock-full of the N-word but not the Confederate flag. But how can you explain that to a guy who thinks kids still go into a store to buy music?

Former California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger said this week that marriage counseling is the biggest mistake he's ever made. Though unless he got the marriage counselor pregnant, I don't think that's true.

TBS announced plans today for a competition show where the winner will become a weatherman on CNN. And the loser also has to become a weatherman on CNN.


The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal announced that he’s running for president, which makes him the 13th Republican to enter the race so far. Yeah, 13 Republican candidates — or as that’s also called, “A Banker’s Dozen.”

Howard Stern announced that he will not be returning to NBC’s “America's Got Talent.” When asked why he's not returning to "America's Got Talent," he said, "Because it turns out that it doesn’t.”

Good Humor is bringing back its ice cream trucks this summer after almost 40 years. So I guess that makes two things Chris Christie will be running for this summer.

Conan O'Brien
Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal is running for president. This is historic. He's a 44-year-old Indian-American whose real first name is Piyush. After hearing about it, President Obama said, "A young, non-white guy with a crazy name? Good luck with that."

Governor Jindal announced he's running for president by releasing a video in which he and his wife tell their kids he's running. Then his son said, "Dad, you have no chance. What are you doing?"

At the Chicago Cubs game on Tuesday, people were surprised when a fan caught a foul ball while feeding his baby. People were shocked — not that he was holding a baby but because someone wearing a Cubs hat caught a ball.

According to a new survey, Pizza Hut's new hot dog pizza is the second worst pizza in America. Which explains their new slogan: “Pizza Hut — not the worst pizza in America.”

Sun, Aug 16, 2015

#3307

Late Night From 06/26

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
In a recent interview, the rapper 50 Cent said he is going to be supporting Hillary Clinton. Hillary would be excited but she doesn't get out of bed for less than a million cents.

This week Hillary Clinton joined the networking site LinkedIn. And you thought she was deleting a lot of emails before.

Sarah Palin went on Facebook to announce that her daughter Bristol's wedding has been called off. She said the two families will still get together on the wedding day to "celebrate life." In other words, the caterers already have been paid for.

Apple is developing a service called Home Kit that will allow people to operate gadgets like garage openers and thermostats through one app. In related news, please don't tell my parents about this. I can't be explaining this stuff every week.

Mon, Aug 17, 2015

#3308

Late Night From 06/29

Conan O'Brien
After Donald Trump's derogatory comments about immigrants, NBC has officially canceled "Celebrity Apprentice." Donald Trump isn't even president yet and he's already made America a better place.

Today Donald Trump reaffirmed his stance against gay marriage. Trump said marriage is between a rich guy and his much younger third wife.

Greece has closed their nation's banks today in response to its escalating financial crisis. Greece said, "We'll bounce back. We've just had a rough 2,000 years."

At last night's B.E.T. Awards, white singer Sam Smith won the best new artist award. This came right after B.E.T. announced that it now identifies as white.

Jimmy Kimmel Live
The Supreme Court has ended same-sex marriage bans. This is going to totally ruin being gay. I will explain. I live in a gay neighborhood and these people have a lot of fun. The reason is because there is no pressure to settle down. It's illegal. Say you're dating a guy. He says, Why can't we get married? You say, Well, same reason we can't rob a bank.

But now that reason is gone. Which means now you go home and your parents and friends will do that thing where they put you on the spot. Society will push you and push you and eventually you'll give in. This is what happened to George Clooney.

And then once you do give in, guess what? Instead of the fun parades with the drinks and the half-naked dancer guys, the only parades you will be going to are the ones with the big inflatable Snoopy. He'll be looking at you as if to say, "What the hell did you do?"

All the gay fun will be over. Remember when the word meant happy? It doesn't anymore, thanks to the Supreme Court.

The only difference between gay marriage and straight marriage is no one complains when you leave the toilet seat up.

Tue, Aug 18, 2015

#3309

Late Night From 06/30

Conan O'Brien
Chris Christie gave a 20-minute speech to announce he's running for president in his high school's gymnasium. It was the longest period of time Christie has ever spent in a gym.

Chris Christie launched his presidential campaign in the gymnasium of his old high school. He wanted to launch it in his school's cafeteria but there's still a restraining order.

Christie's campaign slogan is "Telling it like it is." This is in contrast to Hillary's slogan, "Explaining why this is not what it looks like."

After making insulting remarks about Mexicans, Donald Trump has been kicked off of NBC and Univision. On the bright side, Trump's hair has a new show on Animal Planet.

There's a huge financial crisis in Greece. They're in terrible trouble. Greece announced they're going to default on their nearly $1.8 billion loan. Who would have thought the country that invented the philosophy major would be broke?

Jimmy Kimmel Live
We have a new candidate for president today — New Jersey Governor Chris Christie. He's a Republican, which means he joins the 400 other Republicans running for president.

If I was Chris Christie and everyone was focused on my weight, I'd pick an even fatter running mate — someone huge, like 600 pounds.

Donald Trump sued Univision today for $500 million, which everyone's making a big deal about, but what future president hasn't sued a TV network for pulling his beauty pageant off the air? When Roosevelt did it, no one said a word.

Kentucky Senator Rand Paul was in Denver today hosting a briefing event during the cannabis business summit. It's a very good plan. Once they give you money, there's a good chance they'll forget and give you money again.

I don't know if Rand Paul has to go to Colorado. If he wants money from stoners, he should just become a pizza delivery guy.

Wed, Aug 19, 2015

#3310

Late Night From 07/01

Conan O'Brien
Macy's has severed ties with Donald Trump and no longer will carry his men's wear collection. From now on, men who want to look like Donald Trump will have to hunt and kill their own hair piece.

A leading Native-American activist is being accused of not being Native American at all. Yeah, another one of those. Authorities grew suspicious after the woman said her tribal name is "Listens to Josh Groban."

A newly released email reveals that Hillary Clinton said to a co-worker, "I heard on the radio there's a cabinet meeting. Can I go?" In another email she said she found out about the debt ceiling from Smooth Jazz 94.7.

Last night for the first time in 24 years Jupiter and Venus appeared almost on top of each other. So the gay marriage ruling is having more of an impact than we thought.

Jimmy Kimmel Live
The state of Oregon today became the fourth state to legalize recreational marijuana. At long last the people of Oregon can do exactly what they've been doing all along anyway.

In Oregon you can have up to eight ounces of pot in your home. Let's be honest. Most guys in Portland have that much pot in their beards.

It's hard to believe it was legal to get gay married in Alabama before it was legal to smoke a joint in Oregon, isn't it?

So many people have jumped the White House fence recently that the Secret Service is putting metal spikes on it. This is the latest in security technology — from 1325. It's impenetrable, unless you use a ladder. We're now protecting the president's life the same way we keep pigeons from sitting on ATMs.

Thu, Aug 20, 2015

#3311

Late Night From 07/08

Conan O'Brien
We're here in San Diego for Comic-Con. Comic-Con is the only place where you can meet a Superman whose kryptonite is his nut allergy.

It seems like every business in San Diego jacks up their prices this week. It's gotten so bad the NFL team has changed its name to the San Diego Overchargers.

Tickets for Comic-Con sold out in one hour. The last time something sold out that fast it was when George Lucas met with Disney.

Earlier this week 2,000 gallons of bleach were spilled right outside of San Diego. Just when you thought Comic-Con couldn't get any whiter.

The New York Stock Exchange was shut down today for four hours due to a technical glitch. They would have fixed it sooner but unfortunately all the people who know how are here at Comic-Con.

Fri, Aug 21, 2015

#3312

Late Night From 07/09
Part 1

Conan O'Brien

Welcome to our show in San Diego for Comic-Con week. Comic-Con has been around for 46 years. This is the 46th anniversary of people asking each other: "Is William Shatner wearing a wig or what?"

It's embarrassing when you complement someone on a costume and they say, "It's not a costume."

I've seen a lot of folks dressed as "The Walking Dead." Although many of them might be better described as the dead who could stand to do a bit more walking.

Comic-Con has officially banned selfie sticks and e-cigarettes, which is too bad. Because now when I see someone smoking an e-cigarette, I have nothing to beat them with.

Sat, Aug 22, 2015

#3313

Ramdon Late Night Until New Shows Return

Comedian David Letterman, who is from Indiana, took a special interest during his Late Show with David Letterman that night.

“All my friends are in Indiana,” Letterman joked, “but I think Indiana's gone nuts. Today they banned same-sex carpools. Really.”

He later likened the repressive Islamic Republic of Iran to Indiana saying, “Oh, John Kerry is getting tired of dealing with Iran over the nuclear arms deal. He said today, he said, ‘We've got to wrap up negotiations with Iran so I can start dealing with Indiana,’”

Sun, Aug 23, 2015

#3314

Ramdon Late Night Until New Shows Return

The Late Late Show With James Corden

The 2015 college graduates are now hearing advice from commencement speakers about the real world. But there’s a group left out in the cold, the ones who fell short of graduation — fifth-year seniors. Congratulations non-graduating senior class — the few in every school brave enough to say, “You know what? I loved my senior year so much, I think I’ll do it all over again.”
There are many successful people who didn’t graduate. Bill Gates, Albert Einstein, Elton John. You won’t be as successful as them because you’re watching TV at 1:00 in the morning. But still there’s hope, I guess.
You’re very smart. You know who isn’t smart? The graduating seniors who have to find a job. Little known secret: There aren’t any jobs. When your friends were concentrating on their engineering degree, you were engineering a way to put vodka in a watermelon. We congratulate you for that.
You’re right to want to stay in that warm, safe environment where the people are young and hopeful and fresh and alive. I’d be there right now if campus security didn’t have my picture on file.
Never again will you live in a world where not only is the beer free but people will offer to pour it into your own mouth for you. Think of yourself as a super senior. The seniorest of all the seniors. You are the class of 2016. Or 2017. Or let’s be honest, probably 2018.

Mon, Aug 24, 2015

#3315

Ramdon Late Night Until New Shows Return

Late Night With Seth Meyers

A 94-year-old man is graduating from West Virginia University after studying at the school on and off for 75 years — though I’m guessing mostly off.
He’s graduating from college at the age of 94. Just imagine how awkward it’s going to be for the commencement speaker when he says, “You have your whole life ahead of you. Except that dude.”
UC Berkeley students have developed a drone that follows you around, taking selfies of you. Which is a shame because those are exactly the kind of people we should be using the other drones on.

Tue, Aug 25, 2015

#3316

Ramdon Late Night Until New Shows Return

Jimmy Kimmel also took jabs at Trump, noting that NBC said in its statement it would "cut ties" with him.

"Instead of cutting ties, I wish they would cut his hair," Kimmel said. "NBC says they will not carry Trump’s Miss USA or Miss Universe pageants because of what he said about Mexicans, and not — they want to make this very clear — not because these pageants treat women like cattle at a state fair. It was the thing about Mexicans."

Wed, Aug 26, 2015

#3317

Ramdon Late Night Until New Shows Return

"Donald Trump has been running for president for just a little over a week, and he’s already in trouble — after Donald Trump’s derogatory comments about immigrants, NBC has officially canceled Celebrity Apprentice," Conan O'Brien said. "Think about it,: Donald Trump isn’t even president yet, and he’s already made America a better place. Today, Donald Trump reaffirmed his stance against gay marriage. Trump said, 'Marriage is between a rich guy and his much younger third wife.' "

Thu, Aug 27, 2015

#3318

Late Night From 07/10

Conan O'Brien
We have the cast of "Game of Thrones" tonight. I went to see them in the green room. They're all dead.

The cast of "The Walking Dead" is also here. They were in the green room. They're eating the bodies of the cast of "Game of Thrones."

The new "Star Wars" movie was directed by J.J. Abrams. "Star Wars" fans were very excited until they realized that J.J. stands for Jar Jar.

Comic-Con is a hot bed for romantic action. Yesterday I was checking out San Diego's Craigslist personals. The categories were men seeking women, women seeking men, and Marvel seeking D.C.

Fri, Aug 28, 2015

#3319

Late Night From 07/13

The Late Late Show with James Corden
We were off for three weeks. I took my family back to London. We just got back yesterday and I am incredibly jet-lagged. I'm also baby-lagged because my wife and I had to fly from London to Los Angeles with two children under the age of 5.

If you took a picture of my family going through the airport, it is just carnage. We don't look like we're going to our home where all our belongings are. We look like we're fleeing Syria.

Normally you'd get on the plane able to relax. Except you don't because when you have two children, a 4-year-old and an 8-month-old daughter, you have to deal with everyone else on the plane staring at you with absolute disdain. You feel like Donald Trump at a Cinco de Mayo party.

You try to find ways to calm your kids down, but apparently, according to British Airways, those cute little kid-sized bottles of alcohol aren't actually for kids.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
After 17 hours of negotiations, European leaders agreed early this morning to a tentative deal to resolve the debt crisis in Greece. Seventeen hours — or as Greeks call that, a workweek.

Donald Trump’s Miss USA Pageant was last night. The title went to the contestant who was the meanest to Miss Mexico.

One of the contestants during last night’s Miss USA Pageant said she wished Oprah Winfrey was eligible to replace Alexander Hamilton on the $10 bill. To which Oprah responded, “They make $10 bills?”


The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
Today Scott Walker announced that he is running for president, making him the 15th Republican candidate to enter the race. Which I think means we get the 16th one for free. I’ve got a punch card.

Scott Walker’s campaign slogan is “Reform. Growth. Safety.” Which is actually similar to Donald Trump's new slogan: “Mexico. Money. Crazy.”

Thousands of people across the country went skinny dipping this weekend in an attempt to break the 2009 world record of 13,648 skinny dippers. Then the sharks said, “Cool, they already took the wrappers off these.”

While he was in Bolivia last week, Pope Francis stopped off at a Burger King to change his clothes before Mass. I’m no expert but I can assure you that’s the best thing that’s ever happened in a Burger King bathroom in Bolivia.

Conan O'Brien
Everyone is trying to save Greece. If you have any ideas, let's hear them.

One economist is proposing that the way to save Greece is to take Greece's $56 billion in assets and move them to an offshore bank account. And his second proposal is to bring the Parthenon to the next "Antiques Road Show."

Mexico's No. 1 drug lord has escaped from prison and may be headed to the U.S. So Donald Trump was wrong. They ARE sending us their best.

The drug lord is on the run. His name is El Chapo. Donald Trump is in a Twitter feud with this Mexican drug lord. It's historic — the first time Americans have ever sided with a Mexican drug lord.

Sat, Aug 29, 2015

#3320

Late Night From 07/14

The Late Late Show with James Corden
The New Horizons spacecraft made its long-awaited flyby of Pluto. It's been 10 years and $700 million in the making. People say they see all kinds of things in the new photo of Pluto. Some saw a heart shape or a flower. I don't know what to make of this but I saw a dad who is never quite proud enough of his son. It's probably meaningless.

They apparently put the ashes of the scientists who discovered Pluto in the spaceship. We sent the ashes of a dead guy into space. Isn't that what mobsters do when they send a toe or a finger? This doesn't seem like a friendly gesture. It seems like a threat, doesn't it?

Another cool launch and a cool landing happened today. It was the world's first quadruple flip ever on a BMX bike. It was fantastic. And all it cost them was zero dollars and three concussions.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
According to a new poll, 55 percent of Americans do not trust that Iran will abide by the terms of the nuclear deal. It’s the same 55 percent who are running for the Republican nomination.

According to a new nationwide poll, Donald Trump now leads all other Republican presidential candidates. But come on, if we elect him you know he’ll just leave us for a younger country.

A new survey shows 30 percent of Americans believe legalizing marijuana will make driving less safe. Though marijuana users believe that legalization will make driving less likely.

Tomorrow, July 15, is a rare day when no professional sporting events will take place in the U.S. It's causing millions of fathers everywhere to ask, “Why can’t your dance recital be today?”


The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
It was announced today that Iran has reached a deal with the U.S. to limit its nuclear program and send most of its uranium to Russia. Then Americans said, “That’s great! Wait, WHAT?”

The president of Iran prematurely announced the nuclear deal on Twitter yesterday before it was official. Which isn’t that big a deal until you realize the guy who almost had nukes is known for accidentally hitting "Send."

Yesterday President Obama announced that he is commuting the sentences of 46 prisoners, most of whom committed nonviolent crimes. Then those 46 convicts said, “Actually we already escaped. Thanks for thinking of us, though.”

Police in Germany are trying to find the owner of a plastic bag filled with $200,000 after it recently fell from a tree at a local campsite. Then Greece said, “Can we get like 10 million of those trees?”

Conan O'Brien
The Obama administration announced a deal with Iran that would prevent the Iranians from making a nuclear weapon. In exchange, we're giving the Iranians Netflix.

Iran is celebrating the nuclear deal. The Iranians are going crazy. They're drinking non-alcoholic champagne and thinking about dancing. That's how excited they are.

Today Donald Trump's official Twitter account accidentally tweeted a photo of him that also had images of Nazis in it. The Nazis are furious.

Mexico is offering a $3.8 million reward for information leading to the capture of the escaped billionaire drug lord, El Chapo. Mexico said they'll get the money by borrowing it from El Chapo.

Sun, Aug 30, 2015

#3321

Late Night From 07/15

The Late Late Show with James Corden
A Texas couple's car was stolen a month ago. Yesterday it was found and it had been upgraded. There was a new drive shaft, three new wheels, and 30 bags of meth in it. You know you're high on meth when you think a car has only three wheels.

That is what happens when someone who sells meth steals your car. When someone who sells weed steals your car, it comes back full of candy wrappers and two tickets to the Grateful Dead reunion.

The problem with meth stories is once you've had one, all you want to do is have another. It's a slippery slope. But we can do one more because if we do it together we're doing it for fun. It's only if you're doing it alone that it becomes a problem, right?

A man in Colorado was driving with a cousin who refused to get out of the car. So he called the police and they found her in the car along with 16 pounds of meth. Isn't the first rule of having 16 pounds of meth in your car to never call the police?

Sixteen pounds of meth. To put that in perspective, that's how much meth you would have to smoke to vote for Donald Trump.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
After severing ties with Donald Trump, NBC is reportedly in talks with comedian George Lopez to take over "Celebrity Apprentice." So Trump’s greatest nightmare came true. A Hispanic guy took his job.

Now that some economic sanctions are being lifted, Iranian citizens are apparently clamoring for Western products like iPhones. We should have just sent them iPhones in the first place. Then they’d never get any work done on a nuclear weapon.

President Obama said yesterday that education is the key to reducing the prison population. Though apparently power tools also work.


The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
Some bad news for Donald Trump. The controversial remarks he’s made since he began his presidential campaign have cost his brand as much as $80 million. You can tell things are rough for Trump because today he had to wipe his mouth with a napkin instead of a 20.

Shepard Fairey, the street artist responsible for President Obama’s “Hope” poster, is now facing vandalism charges in Detroit. It's pretty serious. Detroit officials say the artist's spray paint caused over $9,000 worth of improvements.

With more and more states legalizing marijuana, companies are lining up to create the first marijuana breathalyzer. Officials say the toughest part is getting stoners to stop trying to inhale off the breathalyzer.

Kim Kardashian went on Shaquille O'Neal's podcast this week and said she would not name her son a direction because, quote, "North is the best." Interesting. I didn't realize that Shaq had a podcast.

Conan O'Brien
Presidential candidate Donald Trump had a meeting with Ted Cruz. He said he does not know why he agreed to fly to New York to meet Ted Cruz and then he promised to bring that kind of leadership to the Oval Office.

There is now footage of the drug kingpin El Chapo changing his shoes right before his escape. Apparently authorities didn't notice El Chapo was lacing up a pair of Nike Tunnel Runners. It's a special brand they have.

That El Chapo is quite a character. A photo surfaced of El Chapo drinking a beer and flying a plane. Sounds like we have a new "Most interesting man in the world."

Mon, Aug 31, 2015

#3322

Late Night From 07/16

The Late Late Show with James Corden
Tonight is a night for celebration. We've done 50 episodes. To give you a sense of how much time has passed since we filmed our first episode, there have been 846 iTunes updates. Three were necessary and two were actually downloaded.

When I walked in this morning, I was so touched. I saw that CBS had put the very first suit I wore in our first show in a glass case in the lobby. The whole outfit — shirt, pants, jacket, underwear, bra, all of it. Preserved for history.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
Caitlyn Jenner was given the Arthur Ashe Award for Courage at last night’s ESPY Awards. Caitlyn received the award for spending 24 years married to Kris Jenner.

President Obama today became the first sitting U.S. president to visit a federal prison. And for a brief moment, there was some real excitement over at Fox News.

Disney announced this week that it is making a prequel to the classic animated film "Aladdin." It’s just two hours of a lamp sitting on a shelf.


The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
Earlier this week Donald Trump gave an interview with CNN at a winery he owns in Virginia. It turns out Trump’s winery makes two different kinds of wine: white wine and not-white wine.

Over on the Democratic side, Martin O’Malley recently spoke about the need for Wall Street reform and said that he isn’t running for president to be quote, “wined and dined” by executives. Then Chris Christie said, “And I am also not running to be wined.”

In a new poll of Democratic voters, presidential candidate Lincoln Chafee came in with zero percent support. Or in other words: We’re all tied with presidential candidate Lincoln Chafee.

Disney revealed its plans for its upcoming resort and theme park in Shanghai, which will open next year. It’s great news for anyone who loves theme parks but wished the lines were a billion times longer.

Conan O'Brien
In an interview, Hillary Clinton said she likes nearly every flavor of ice cream. When he heard this, Chris Christie said "Hey, she stole my speech."

A store in Houston is selling Donald Trump piñatas filled with candy. So finally something good is going to come out of Donald Trump.

A company is trying to fund a new endeavor known as Uber for Kids. So parents will soon be teaching their kids that they shouldn't talk to strangers but they should get into a car with them.

iPhone users are reporting that Siri will correct them if they try to say Bruce Jenner instead of Caitlyn. In a related story, Siri is now asking to be addressed as Steve.

Tue, Sep 01, 2015

#3323

Late Night From 07/17

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
Donald Trump’s campaign has raised about $100,000 in donations during the second quarter. Which raises an important question: Who is giving Donald Trump money? That’s like giving your money to a pile of money.

In a recent interview, John McCain addressed Trump’s campaign rally in Arizona and said that he just quote, “fired up the crazies.” Not to be confused with Trump’s show “Celebrity Apprentice,” where he just FIRED the crazies.

MSNBC host Lawrence O’Donnell is saying Donald Trump lied when he said he made $20 million a year off his “Apprentice” series on NBC. NBC also denied Trump’s claim, saying, “We don’t have $20 million. We’re NBC.”

Researchers here in New York created a robot that actually passed a self-awareness test. So if you're keeping score, that's robots: 1, Donald Trump, 0.

President Obama became the first sitting president to visit a federal prison yesterday. Obama said it was a good chance to talk about prison reform, and to catch up with so many former congressmen.

Wed, Sep 02, 2015

#3324

Late Night From 07/20

Jimmy Kimmel Live
On Saturday Donald Trump had some unkind words for Arizona Senator John McCain. Can you imagine being tortured 5 1/2 years in a Vietnamese prison camp, and then a man whose greatest war-time accomplishment was brokering a peace treaty on "Celebrity Apprentice" between Gary Busey and Meat Loaf belittles you and calls you a loser?

The closest Trump ever got to battle was his fight with Rosie O'Donnell.

Donald Trump had a very good reason for not fighting in the Vietnam War. He had student deferments and a medical deferment because of his feet. He had a bone spur.

Maybe we should enter Donald Trump in a surf competition. Even if he doesn't get eaten by a shark it would be worth it to see him with his hair wet, right?

Late Night With Seth Meyers
A couple who got married in Illinois on Friday has the last names Burger and King. Which makes sense because in a few years most of their conversations will end with “Fine, have it your way!”

Rick Perry said this weekend that he believes Boy Scouts would be “better off if they didn’t have openly gay scoutmasters.” Man, between the Boy Scouts and gay marriage, Republicans really don’t want gays tying the knot.

Rachel Dolezal gave an interview to Vanity Fair where she continued to claim she is black. Even though the whitest thing you can do is give an interview to Vanity Fair.

The U.S. won the International Math Olympiad. If you don’t think Americans can compete with Asia in math, maybe you should talk to some of the members of the American team, like Shyam Narayanan, Yang Liu, and Allen Liu. And their coach, Po-Shen Loh.


The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
Donald Trump got in some trouble for saying that John McCain is not a war hero, and said, “I like people that weren’t captured.” Not good. In fact, Trump's people are telling him to lay low for a while until this all combs over.

Rick Perry said Donald Trump is unfit to be president and called for him to immediately withdraw from the race. Then he said, “And that’s coming from ME!”

Perry actually said Trump is a toxic mix of demagoguery and nonsense who is unfit to be president. Then Perry took off his glasses and said, "Whoa! I think these things are magic!”

The dating website AshleyMadison.com, which is a site where married people go to find someone to have an affair with, was hacked yesterday and now the hackers are threatening to release information about its users. This is one way to cut down on the number of people running for president.

The Late Late Show with James Corden
A couple named Joel Burger and Ashley King were married this weekend. It was the Burger-King wedding.

Joel Burger and Ashley King must really want to be with each other because they're willing to put up with every single person they meet thinking they're making a Burger King joke like they're hearing it for the first time.

Ashley Madison is a dating service for married people looking to have an affair. It's a website that I definitely only heard about for the first time this morning and 100 percent knew nothing about before.

Well, Ashley Madison was hacked today and the hacker has vowed to leak all 35 million users' identities and information. This is the day you want if you're a divorce lawyer. It's like Christmas. It's also Christmas for kids who want to have two Christmases.

Thu, Sep 03, 2015

#3325

Late Night From 07/21

Jimmy Kimmel Live
A new Washington Post/ABC poll shows Donald Trump leading the pack of Republican presidential contenders. They must be polling the same people who voted for Sanjaya on "American Idol."

At a campaign event in South Carolina, Trump gave out Senator Lindsey Graham's personal cellphone number. He's bringing the same level of class to this presidential election that one does to a stall in a public restroom.

I've never seen anything like this. Giving phone numbers out, it's like Trump's running for president of a sorority or something.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
At a campaign event today, Donald Trump read Senator Lindsey Graham's cellphone number aloud on live TV. It’s the craziest thing Trump has done since whatever he did right before that.

Republican hopeful Rick Perry this week compared Donald Trump to cancer. Which really isn’t fair, because sometimes you can get rid of cancer.

The White House is making a special Twitter account to answer questions about the new nuclear agreement. Finally using Twitter for what it was designed for — explaining complex, international nuclear agreements involving several nations.

A former Iowa lottery official was found guilty yesterday of rigging a computerized "Hot Lotto" game so he could win a $14 million jackpot. He now faces up to 5, 12, 14, 20, or 25 years in prison.


The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
Donald Trump’s not backing down. Yesterday he said he doesn’t need to be lectured by the other Republican candidates, who he says have no business running for president. Not to be confused with Donald Trump, who ran for president and now has no business.

In a speech in South Carolina, Donald Trump responded to criticisms from Senator Lindsey Graham by giving out Graham's personal cellphone number. Graham knew something was up when he saw he had more than one missed call.

Republicans in Congress are getting concerned that President Obama will try to use the final year of his term to push through too many controversial laws. Obama would’ve responded but he was busy drafting his new "mandatory Mexican gay weed" bill.

In a new campaign ad, Jeb Bush referenced “The Godfather” and said his nickname used to be “Veto Corleone” because he vetoed so many bills in Florida. When you’re the third person in your family to run for president, maybe you shouldn’t bring up a movie trilogy where the third one was clearly the worst.

The Late Late Show with James Corden
In California, Google has been testing its self-driving car on public roads. And that self-driving car has gotten into its first major accident. Already. The future is here.

Here's how powerful Google is, and nobody is really talking about it. Apparently, if you do a search for "Google car accident," Google just redirects you to adorable cat videos. And it works.

One advantage of a self-driving car is it cuts down on road rage, which I'm learning is a major problem in America. In England we don't have road rage. We have road squabble. And we always sort it out with a glove to the face and a game of snooker.

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