Jokes of the day

3276 - 3300

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Thu, Jul 16, 2015

#3276

Late Night From 05/06/15

The Late Late Show with James Corden
A Nebraska woman is suing every gay person on the planet on behalf of God. This includes everyone. Elton John? Sergio from accounting? Yes, everyone.

How would you even go about giving out all those subpoenas? Ushers at Broadway shows would have to say, "Welcome. Here's tonight's Playbill, and here's a court order. You've been served. Enjoy the show."

I feel bad for God. At first he said, "I'm going to give people free will and then stay out of it. That's my parenting style." But then people like this woman go and sue every gay person on his behalf. He must be so angry.

Jimmy Kimmel Live
I went to Don Rickles' birthday party last night — his 89th birthday. His actual birthday is on Friday but they had the party at a restaurant last night. When you are 89, you don't wait until Friday. You get it done on Tuesday.

It was quite an event. All of Don Rickles' friends were there, including Bob Newhart, Norm Crosby, and Tommy Lasorda. The youngest man there was Larry King.

Remember "deflate-gate"? After the Patriots beat the Colts, 11 of the 12 footballs were found to be deflated. The NFL today released a report. They found the Patriots probably did it on purpose. Now we have to get Tom Brady to promise to never do it again, I guess.

I hope deflate-gate is a good lesson for kids. If you cheat and don't play fair you will be the MVP of the Super Bowl and marry one of the most beautiful women on earth. Remember that.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
The Duggar family of "19 Kids and Counting" is endorsing Mike Huckabee for president. But remember, they also endorse having 19 kids.

During a recent interview on his tour bus, Willie Nelson allegedly offered an NPR reporter a joint. Just what you want to hear on NPR — drier mouths.

A woman held hostage by her boyfriend in Florida managed to escape this week after she convinced him to let her order a pizza using Pizza Hut's app and wrote "911 hostage help" in the comment section. But really aren't all Pizza Hut orders a cry for help?


The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
Hillary Clinton made a campaign stop in Las Vegas yesterday. She said she wants citizenship for undocumented immigrants. But after seeing Americans celebrate Cinco de Mayo yesterday, immigrants said, "You know what, we're good. We’re gonna head back now. We had enough."

Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar from the show “19 Kids and Counting” say they are supporting Mike Huckabee for president because he has “common sense.” If there’s anyone who knows about common sense, it’s a family with 19 kids.

Yesterday Floyd Mayweather said he would give Manny Pacquiao a rematch next year. In fact, they've already come up with an exciting tagline — "Mayweather vs. Pacquiao 2: Maybe they'll kiss."

Conan O'Brien
Today Secretary of State John Kerry visited the small African nation of Djibouti. Or to use the official diplomatic term, he made a Djibouti call.

The birth certificate of the royal baby lists her parents' occupations as being "the prince and princess of the United Kingdom." It says that under occupation, which I guess sounds better than "unemployed."

Authorities in New York busted a gun-running operation allegedly headed by a 500-pound gang member nicknamed “Wobbles.” The arrest took place on Saturday, yet the strip search of Wobbles still goes on.

A holistic doctor has developed a trick to help you fall asleep in 60 seconds. The doctor says all it takes is $99 and a Mayweather-Pacquiao rematch.

The Late Show with David Letterman
Welcome to the program. My name is Dave Letterman, and tonight I'm giving my two-week notice.

Don't worry about me. I plan to continue to be in show business. I have already been booked to be in a production of "The Sunshine Boys" with Jay Leno.

You know what's going to be big this summer is the new "Indiana Jones" movie. Now Indiana Jones is a little older. In this film he goes in search of a tomb for himself.

Now instead of outrunning a giant boulder, Indiana Jones has to pass an enormous kidney stone.

Fri, Jul 17, 2015

#3277

Late Night From 05/07

The Late Late Show with James Corden
Shaquille O'Neal, future basketball hall of famer, fell flat on his face last night while providing analysis on an NBA playoff game. Shaq falling over is more exciting than all 12 rounds of the Mayweather-Pacquiao fight. At least somebody hit the ground.

The truth is I feel bad for Shaq. Who doesn't? Well, the entire Internet. He hadn't been on the ground three seconds and people already started cranking out memes.

Jimmy Kimmel Live
The NFL has found it was more probable than not that Patriots employees deflated balls on purpose and that Tom Brady was generally aware of it. The response has been divided. Some people believe the Patriots are cheaters who should be fined and forced to forfeit the games, and other people are from Boston.

A zoo in Japan had to issue an apology today because of the name they gave a newborn monkey. They named her Charlotte after the new royal baby in England. The zoo was flooded with angry calls and emails. Can you imagine calling a zoo to complain about what they named a monkey?

When you think about it, this monkey will be fed and housed in comfort for the rest of its life. The only thing it has to do is get looked at by people. It's the same thing that a member of the royal family does.

The zoo has apologized and they are going to consult the British embassy to find out what to do about it. Meanwhile, if you remember, William and Kate named their first kid after Curious George, which is a monkey by the way.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
The president of Tom Brady's California high school says the whole community is praying for Tom and his family. The whole community? Wow, that’s a lot of pressure. If only there was a way to get rid of some of that pressure.

A new poll finds that the majority of GOP voters say they can't see themselves supporting Chris Christie. The trick is to lift with your legs, not your back.

A federal judge has set the first date for Bill Cosby's defamation lawsuit. And knowing Cosby, there probably won't be a second date.


The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
The NFL released its report on the deflate-gate scandal and said the chance that Tom Brady knew the balls were tampered with was "more probable than not." Did they do this investigation with a Magic 8 Ball? "Try again later?" "Reply hazy?"

According to a new poll, 48 percent of Americans believe that Hillary Clinton is honest and trustworthy. Then Hillary said, “Actually I just made that poll up.”

It was confirmed this week that Lucasfilm and Disney are set to develop another “Indiana Jones” sequel. This time the ancient relic everyone is searching for is Indiana Jones.

Conan O'Brien
Mother's Day is coming up. On Mother's Day, Hooters is giving all mothers a free order of 10 hot wings with a drink purchase. I'd take my mom but I just took her there for Easter. And her birthday.

Experts using forensic technology have created a picture of what they think Jesus looked like as a kid. When he saw the picture, Larry King said, "You got the nose wrong."

The Late Show with David Letterman
The NFL claims the New England Patriots more probably than not deflated footballs. I'm sorry, but that's just not vague enough for me.

Apparently there are incriminating texts and emails about what they call deflate-gate. Earlier today Hillary Clinton announced that she would be happy to delete them.

Four-time Super Bowl-winning quarterback Tom Brady is in trouble. He may have to spend weekends in a cell with Aaron Hernandez. Or play for the Jets.

This deflate-gate scandal raises an interesting question about NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell. Which way does the commissioner look if he's already looking the other way?

Sat, Jul 18, 2015

#3278

Late Night From 05/08

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
Of course I'm going to kick off things with this monologue here, or as it's known tonight, the Bonologue. That's right, we have U2 on the show tonight.

U2 wasn't supposed to be here, but when I opened up my iTunes they just popped up.

People are being really picky about the upcoming election. I read that Americans do not want the next president to be a first-term senator, be over 65, or have a former president in the family. Then the Secret Service said, "Hey, whoever slips through slips through. No promises."

A house panel in Texas has approved full marijuana legalization for the state. Yeah, meaning Texas could go from having dude ranches to "Dude, ranches."

The Late Show with David Letterman
New York City has a rat problem. There must be three to four million rats running loose, but finally, Mayor de Blasio has declared war on rats. Here's what he's going to do. He's going to bring in more coyotes.

These are not regular rats. They're enormous, and they're brazen. They have to bait the rat traps with lasagna.

The NFL has released a shocking report. The report indicates that Tom Brady was generally aware of what was going on. Well, that's me now. I'm just generally aware.

Sun, Jul 19, 2015

#3279

Late Night From 05/11

The Late Late Show with James Corden
I'd like to wish my wife a happy Mother's Day. However, in England Mother's Day was on March 15. My wife and I also celebrated it then. But Father's Day is on the same day both here and in the U.K. That doesn't seem fair to me.

I'm not saying my wife is undeserving of two Mother's Days. I'm just saying she doesn't have a husband who plans for two Mother's Days. Where do you find a card that says "Happy Second Mother's Day"?

But my Mother's Day argument sort of fell apart yesterday when I asked, "Are we really going to practice every American custom," as I watched the NBA playoffs with a Budweiser in my hand.

The movies "Furious 7" and "Avengers" already have made $1 billion each in just two weeks. I'm lucky if I earn that much in a year! To put it in perspective, they would need to make the movie "Mortdecai" one billion times to make that much money.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
Happy Mother's Day. Yesterday, President Obama personally called three mothers who had written him letters recently. Man, do I feel sorry for any of their kids who forgot to call.

The mother would say, "Oh, you didn't have time to call. Do you know who did have time? The president — of the United States of America — yeah, that president. So no, flowers on Wednesday does not make it OK."

The White House is testing out new spikes that would make it difficult to jump the fence. So if you're wondering what kind of cutting-edge technology the Secret Service is using to protect the president, it's spikes. I think someone saw an episode of "Game of Thrones."

Kanye West's ex-girlfriend accused him of using ghost writers to come up with his music. Kim Kardashian defending Kanye by saying, "He doesn't even know any ghosts. And even if he did, how could they pick up the pencil with their ghost hands?"


The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
Happy Mother's Day to all the moms out there. I saw a lot of people were posting old photos of themselves as a kid with their moms. Because what better gift to give your mother than a photo of how she used to look before you completely wore her down.

In celebration of Mother's Day yesterday, President Obama called three moms who had written him letters. Then kids who made their mom a macaroni necklace said, "Thanks, Obama."

According to a new report, since he's been governor, Chris Christie has spent $82,000 at a concession stand at MetLife Stadium. Now, I know it seems like the perfect story for a Chris Christie joke but I'm actually on a Chris Christie joke diet. So nothing for me, thanks.

If you're going to do a Chris Christie joke, just say, "Christie spent $82,000 at a concession stand at MetLife Stadium. Then he turned to his friends and said, 'You guys want anything?'" That's a joke. I can't believe it. I caved in. I feel awful.

Conan O'Brien
Barbara Walters admitted to stealing an artifact from the White House. She said, "I was young, and I didn't think President Lincoln would mind."

The U.S. unemployment rate is the lowest it's been in nearly seven years. The job sector that has seen the most growth is in the field of Republican presidential candidates.

A new report reveals that New Jersey Governor Chris Christie spent over $82,000 on food at NFL games. Christie said, "Hey, both of those games went into overtime."

The NFL has suspended Tom Brady for four games over deflate-gate. They're going to punish him by making him stay home in his mansion with his supermodel wife and think about what he did wrong.

The Late Show with David Letterman
People come up to me all the time and they say, "Jimmy . . . what are you planning for your final show?" And I think: Oh, my God, after all this time, we're going to start planning now?

Happy Mother's Day. It's a day of fresh flowers and old grievances.

Mom and I went out to brunch. Olive Garden was great.

Mom is so sweet. On her way out, she takes the manager aside and puts in a good word for me.

Mon, Jul 20, 2015

#3280

Late Night From 05/12

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
It was announced yesterday that Tom Brady will be suspended for the season’s first four games for his alleged role in the deflate-gate scandal. Though the NFL says his punishment could be reduced if he commits a real crime.

Tom Brady was suspended. He says he will be appealing, but then again, when is Tom Brady not appealing — am I right, ladies?

Starbucks announced that it’s now selling a mini version of its Frappuccino, which holds two ounces less than its small size. Tom Brady tried one and swears nothing is different. You can't even notice it.

Mike Huckabee distanced himself from infomercials he's appeared in, saying “I don't have to defend everything that I've ever done.” In a related story, that's exactly what running for president is. You actually do have to defend everything you've ever done.

Conan O'Brien
McDonald's is starting to introduce kale into their salads. McDonald's customers heard this and asked, "What's kale, and what's a salad?"

An Australian woman has gone on 136 first dates in 17 months, but never on a second date. In other words, she looks nothing like her Tinder profile picture.

Scientists have discovered how to restore sight to blind mice. Next up, the scientists will try to restore the homes of three little pigs.

The Late Show with David Letterman
It was so warm in New York City today that Tom Brady was deflating footballs just for the breeze.

This is the time of year when TV networks announce their new shows. CBS has an exciting show: "CSI: George Zimmerman Unit." Down in Florida today, Zimmerman was involved in another shooting. Boy, I didn't see that coming.

Former President Bill Clinton is on the program tonight. He says that while his wife runs for president, he would like to stay out of the limelight. Well, he's certainly come to the right place. He'll be fine here.

Bill Clinton may in fact be moving back into the White House. And coincidentally I'm thinking about moving back into my mother's house.

The Late Late Show with James Corden
A British study concluded that hip-hop is a bigger influence on popular culture than any other music genre. I could have told you that because I am completely street and down with the kids, y'all. I'm so street that when I heard this news, I was like, Stop, hammer time. That's an underground reference that a lot of you don't get.

Since hip-hop is so influential, we went ahead and let it influence our entire monologue.

Jay-Z bought his wife BeyoncĂ© a dragon's egg from the hit HBO show "Game of Thrones." Honestly, I can't believe I'm saying this about Jay-Z — nerd alert!

Really, a dragon's egg? Jay-Z is making it hard for normal husbands to buy presents for our wives. I got my wife flowers from a gas station.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
Have you been following what happened to the Patriots and Tom Brady? The Patriots got fined and lost draft picks. Tom Brady got a four-game suspension — or as it's known in the NFL, two bonus years of life.

Brady has been suspended for four games as a result of deflate-gate. They say it will be the most time he's spent sitting on the bench since the last time he went shopping with Gisele.

Actor Morgan Freeman promoted marijuana use in a new interview, saying "I'll eat it, drink it, smoke it, snort it." I'm worried he thinks marijuana is something different.

According to a list by "Business Insider," Washington University in St. Louis is the college with the best food. While the college with the worst food is the Olive Garden's culinary institute.

Tue, Jul 21, 2015

#3281

Late Night From 05/13

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
Even the White House is weighing in on the deflate-gate scandal. Yesterday they encouraged Tom Brady to “be mindful of the way he serves as a role model.” And then President Obama stuffed out his cigarette and went golfing at noon on a weekday.

The White House encouraged Tom Brady to be more of a role model. They would’ve said more, but there was a drunken Secret Service agent streaking across the Rose Garden.

Senate Democrats blocked President Obama’s trade bill yesterday because they’re worried it could hurt jobs. It’s not an issue for Republicans, since they’ve all found work as presidential candidates.

Whole Foods is planning on opening a new chain of stores that carry lower-priced natural foods aimed at millennials. It's even got a catchy name: Trader Joe’s.

The Late Show with David Letterman
I've been doing a lot of pondering, a lot of ruminating. And I'm not looking at this as a retirement. I'm thinking of this as a multigame suspension. Like Tom Brady.

Last night we had Bill Clinton, the former president. Security was as tight as Governor Christie's yoga pants.

Security patted me up and down. They frisked me. My hand to God, I was groped. Then I got back in line.

I have nothing against the North Koreans but this Kim Jong Un has got a screw loose. A member of his cabinet, his security minister, nods off, falls sleep. We've all done it. Kim Jong Un takes the guy out and has him executed, just for just falling asleep. Oh, and he was also deflating footballs.

The Late Late Show with James Corden
The 2015 college graduates are now hearing advice from commencement speakers about the real world. But there's a group left out in the cold, the ones who fell short of graduation — fifth-year seniors. Congratulations non-graduating senior class — the few in every school brave enough to say, "You know what? I loved my senior year so much, I think I'll do it all over again."

There are many successful people who didn't graduate. Bill Gates, Albert Einstein, Elton John. You won't be as successful as them because you're watching TV at 1:00 in the morning. But still there's hope, I guess.

You're very smart. You know who isn't smart? The graduating seniors who have to find a job. Little known secret: There aren't any jobs. When your friends were concentrating on their engineering degree, you were engineering a way to put vodka in a watermelon. We congratulate you for that.

You're right to want to stay in that warm, safe environment where the people are young and hopeful and fresh and alive. I'd be there right now if campus security didn't have my picture on file.

Never again will you live in a world where not only is the beer free but people will offer to pour it into your own mouth for you. Think of yourself as a super senior. The seniorest of all the seniors. You are the class of 2016. Or 2017. Or let's be honest, probably 2018.

Jimmy Kimmel Live
Kim Jong Un reportedly had his defense chief executed after he fell asleep during a meeting. Not only did they execute him, they shot him with an anti-aircraft gun. I'd like to see NBC hire Kim Jong Un to host "The Apprentice." His way of firing people is much more exciting than Donald Trump's.

Things like that make me glad I live in America — where our political figures are free to fall asleep wherever they want.

Kim Jong Un — it's really Catch-22 with him. If you close your eyes, you get shot for nodding off. If you open them, you get shot for laughing at his haircut.

Expedia released their rankings of the most annoying drivers in America. For the 15th year in a row, the most annoying driver on the road is every driver but you. The survey says the least popular passengers are backseat drivers. I would have said carjackers.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
A 94-year-old man is graduating from West Virginia University after studying at the school on and off for 75 years — though I’m guessing mostly off.

He’s graduating from college at the age of 94. Just imagine how awkward it’s going to be for the commencement speaker when he says, “You have your whole life ahead of you. Except that dude.”

UC Berkeley students have developed a drone that follows you around, taking selfies of you. Which is a shame because those are exactly the kind of people we should be using the other drones on.

Wed, Jul 22, 2015

#3282

Late Night From 05/14

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
Hillary Clinton's younger brother Tony is facing criticism for using the Clintons’ political connections to help his career. So on the down side, she has a sketchy brother named Tony. On the up side, she just locked up every vote in New Jersey.

It turns out Hillary's brother could damage her campaign. But then Jeb Bush said, “I think we all get a pass on who our brothers are.”

They’re making a movie about Barack and Michelle Obama’s first date, called “Southside With You,” and the producers say they’ve already cast someone to play young Barack Obama. Now, I'm not saying the president has aged a lot but that young actor is Morgan Freeman.

The Late Show with David Letterman
George Clooney is on the program tonight. Next week at this time I will be in a hardware store watching them mix paint.

I got a call today from a guy I have never heard of before, and he said, "Hi, Dave, it's Bob. I'm with CBS. Look, the day after you guys leave the theater we're going to send a team in there to take care of the asbestos.

Congratulations to the New York Rangers. They won Game 7 last night. What a season, and to think they've done it all without Derek Jeter.

By accident Jeb Bush announced that he was running for president. And then he said, "No, not yet. OK, I made a mistake." And then later in the day, by accident, he called Hillary and congratulated her.

Jimmy Kimmel Live
In Las Vegas, a musical that is based on the popular reality show "Duck Dynasty" is shutting down because of poor ticket sales. Now where am I supposed to take my wife for our anniversary?

You'd think with the size of the duck-hunting community, this show would be a hit. I guess the audiences weren't comfortable with the shooting over their heads.

The producers say there may be future productions of the "Duck Dynasty" musical in other cities. I think they need to change the name. To attract fans of musical theater, I would call it "Les Mr. Robertson."

Late Night With Seth Meyers
Dairy Queen has announced plans to remove soda from its kids' menu. Raising the question: Isn't their entire menu a kids' menu?

Tomorrow, Mitt Romney will have a boxing match with Evander Holyfield for charity. And I suspect that's what Romney will be yelling the whole time. "For charity, Evander!”

Mitt Romney will box Evander Holyfield tomorrow. So finally, someone can honestly say "Mitt, I think you should run."

Thu, Jul 23, 2015

#3283

Late Night From 05/15

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
It's Friday. That's one reason to celebrate. Also, it's the first day in a long time when no one declared they're running for president.

During a recent event at a restaurant called Tommy's Country Ham House in South Carolina, presidential candidate Ben Carson delivered a speech right after he lost his front tooth. Which still left him with more teeth than everyone combined at Tommy's Country Ham House.

Ben Carson actually lost a tooth. Which explains why he said that under his leadership, Americans would be entitled to “life, liberty, and the purthuit of happineth.”

Former New York Governor George Pataki may enter the race for president. It’s not definite, but he tweeted that he'll announce his 2016 plans on May 28 in New Hampshire. Well, what’s he gonna do, go to New Hampshire to say he’s NOT running? That’s like getting down on one knee and saying, “I think it’s time to see other people.”

The Late Show with David Letterman
The new "Mad Max" movie takes place in a post-apocalyptic world. I have a small part in "Mad Max." I play the old geezer who remembers what steak tasted like.

Oprah is on the show tonight. No, not that Oprah.

In retirement, what I'm going to do is pal around with Oprah. She doesn't know it yet, but that's what I'll do.

I already have an idea. I'm going to start a line of salad dressing, and it will be just like Paul Newman's salad dressing but instead of the profits going to charity the way Paul Newman's profits go to charity, my profits won't.

The Late Late Show with James Corden
During a concert in Vancouver, U2's guitarist, The Edge, fell off the stage in the middle of a song. I guess he got a little too close to the edge.

U2's frontman, Bono, was singing their hit, "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For," and The Edge took it literally.

Jimmy Kimmel Live
We had rain this morning and thunderstorms last night. That doesn't happen much here in L.A. You could hear people screaming. We are so scared of rain here, you would think it had gluten in it.

In Southern California, rain confuses us and makes our yoga pants see-through.

Funny thing is, once it rains a lot of people here think that is it for the drought. The drought is over. The first thing we do when it rains is we run to the TV to see how our local weather reporters are going to cover it. They get so excited because the rest of the year they have nothing to do.

One weather reporter complained that you couldn't even stand in line for a taco because of the rain. Well then, what point is there to being alive?

Fri, Jul 24, 2015

#3284

Late Night From 05/18

The Late Late Show with James Corden
In the news, a man got so fed up that he drove his truck through his own living room. He said it was one of those spur-of-the-moment crazy things. No, it was not! That's just regular crazy. Getting frozen yogurt at midnight, or driving to Vegas — those are spur-of-the-moment crazy ideas.

Getting drunk and getting a butterfly tattoo on your lower back even though all your friends are telling you not to because you're a full-grown man who hosts a late-night show on CBS — yeah, sure, that is a spur-of-the-moment crazy thing.

The police were called, but it turns out it's actually not illegal if it's your house and your truck. But just based on the limited amount of time we've spent with this guy, I get the feeling that the bank owned both the truck and the house.

Later on in the story the guy revealed he is having trouble finding work. That might have something to do with how he arrived at his last job.

Jimmy Kimmel Live
At the Billboard Music Awards the big winner was Taylor Swift. She won eight trophies. I wonder if she even keeps them at this point.

Researchers have found that children in preschool are exercising only 12 percent of the day. The rest of the day was spent napping, eating, or generally sitting around doing nothing. It's called training them to be Americans.

The study found that we parents would like our kids to get more exercise. But that would mean we have to get up ourselves. And sorry kids, that's not going to happen.

I have an easy way to fix this. If you want kids to exercise, get an ice cream truck and just drive it slowly around the block. They will give chase. I've seen it happen.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
President Obama joined Twitter today with a tweet that began “Hello, Twitter!” His bio says, “Dad, husband, and president of the United States.” He didn’t have to say “Dad.” We got that when he tweeted “Hello, Twitter!”

Jeb Bush said recently that he believes apps on the Apple Watch could help Americans better manage their healthcare than Obamacare. So there you go. If you can’t afford healthcare, just buy yourself an Apple Watch.

Vladimir Putin reportedly scored eight goals during a hockey game in Sochi this weekend. And the goalie only had one save: his own life.


The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
George W. Bush gave a commencement speech at Southern Methodist University this weekend. It was pretty inspirational. He said, "As I like to tell the 'C' students, you too can be president." Even George W. Bush has George W. Bush comedy material in his act.

During a charity boxing match on Friday, Mitt Romney lasted two rounds against Evander Holyfield and raised a million dollars. It was just like Holyfield's fight with Mike Tyson, except Romney chewed off his other ear talking about his 18 grandchildren.

That's right, Mitt Romney took on Evander Holyfield in a boxing match for charity, and it was a pretty one-sided fight. But it was still not the worst boxing match we've seen this month.

This weekend Vladimir Putin played in an exhibition hockey game with some former NHL players and scored eight goals. Even Evander Holyfield and Mitt Romney said, "That looks fake."

Conan O'Brien
Lindsey Graham is now the seventh Republican running for president. If you're keeping score, that's basically one Republican candidate for every two Republican voters.

I can't wait for the Republican debates to start and there's literally 65 guys on one stage.

Over the weekend, Vladimir Putin scored eight goals during a hockey game. It happened just after he had the goalie executed.

A resort in Mexico has opened the first underwater bar. Shortly afterwards it became host to the world's slowest bar fight ever.

The Late Show with David Letterman
Unusual weather for New York City. Today it was 68 and foggy. No, wait a minute, that's me. I'm sorry, that's me.

Tonight I will be talking with Tom Hanks. Next week I'll be at the post office talking with the clerk.

Mitt Romney, two-time Republican presidential hopeful, boxed former heavyweight champion of the world Evander Holyfield for charity. It was a horrible moment when Romney bit off Holyfield's other ear.

Holyfield won the fight. It's not the first time Romney has been knocked out by a black guy.

Sat, Jul 25, 2015

#3285

Late Night From 05/19

The Late Late Show with James Corden
A man in Virginia went into a bank. He didn't have a weapon and he wasn't wearing a mask. He just had a nice note that said, "I really need you to give me some money, please." And they gave it to him. Police call it robbery. He says it wasn't. I'm with the bank robber on this. If it was illegal to politely ask for things you don't deserve, I would not be the host of "The Late Late Show."

That guy might be totally guilty. But on the bright side, if anyone's going to be released on good behavior, it's going to be him. After all, he was convicted on good behavior.

Crime is inevitable, so don't we want nice criminals? This guy should be commended. If I get robbed, I want the guy holding a gun to say, "Hey mate, can you just give me your wallet? And then I'll go this way, and you go that way. And also, have you lost weight? You look great."

If you like that story, you'll love the new CBS procedural starting next Tuesday night — "CSI: Polite Squad."

Jimmy Kimmel Live
George Clooney will be with us tonight. The sexiest man in the world is here and he's going to interview George Clooney.

According to a recent study, 61 percent of American drivers text while driving, 33 percent email while driving, and 17 percent take selfies. And 20 percent of drivers use Facebook while driving. There is nothing on Facebook you need to see even when you AREN'T driving.

Don't pretend you're not one of these people. When I pull up to an intersection, every person is doing these things. We need those driverless cars now before we all die.

When you get into your car, you should have to insert your phone into a slot just like a key to start the vehicle. Right? That way you can't get at it.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
Former Texas Governor Rick Perry said yesterday that knowing what we know now, he would not have invaded Iraq. Mostly because “what we know now” is that Rick Perry will never be president.

A new survey came out and Washington, D.C., has been named the fittest city in the country. And it makes sense. Just think of all of the exercise they get running for re-election, walking back statements, dodging questions, and jumping to conclusions. That's all cardio.

Police arrested a man on Long Island yesterday after he stripped naked and threatened Costco customers with a machete. Luckily, Costco customers were able to subdue him with a 50-pack of paper towels.

According to a new report, e-cigarette flavors have different effects on lungs, with hot cinnamon, banana pudding, and menthol causing the most irritation. But how will I feel like a man without my banana pudding-flavored e-cigarette?


The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
Welcome to "The Tonight Show." I'm Jimmy Fallon, and I can say with complete confidence that I would lose a push-up contest to everyone in this room. It's Fleet Week here in New York, and I’m proud to say our entire audience is filled with military personnel.

President Obama finally has his own personal Twitter account. Even John McCain said, “Welcome to the Internet, grandpa.”

A new poll found that almost 70 percent of voters say that whoever our next president is, they must have political experience. You know, because it would be rude to say “anyone but Donald Trump.”

Conan O'Brien
Hillary Clinton is trying to get the young vote. She's doing her best to win over millennials. Hillary's telling millennials if all goes well, she too plans to move back into the home where she lived in the 1990s.

KFC is planning to bring back Colonel Sanders. Because if there's one thing that will bring Americans together today, it's an old guy dressed like a plantation owner.

A Starbucks employee has been fired after being caught on video berating a customer. Luckily someone quickly calmed him down with a nearby Josh Groban CD.

A new report says that 80 percent of sunscreens either don't work or have questionable ingredients. In a related story, I don't have long to live.

The Late Show with David Letterman
Tomorrow is our final show. That is unless it rains, and then there will be a rain delay. We'll probably make it up in a doubleheader around Labor Day.

A lot of people think I'm retiring, but I've been telling a fib. I've been forced to leave this job because I gave $75,000 to the Clinton Foundation.

Bill Murray is on the show tonight. Next week I'll be Goggling "foods that improve prostate health."

Sun, Jul 26, 2015

#3286

Late Night From 05/20

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
I'm your host, Jimmy Fallon, and I want to thank you for watching this on your DVR after you watched Letterman.

This morning my dad called me up and said, "So, tonight's your last show, huh." And I said, "No, Dad, that's someone else."

President Obama broke a world record after he reached a million followers on Twitter in just five hours. The only guys not following Obama? His Secret Service agents. They lost track months ago.

Chrysler just announced that it plans to offer free college tuition to thousands of employees at dealerships across the country. Chrysler says it’s just a small way of making up for the PT Cruiser.

Conan O'Brien
In about 34 minutes David Letterman is going to air his last episode. In 1993, I took over his iconic late-night show. I was a complete unknown with no experience performing on TV. I was totally unprepared for that enormous job. I don't think that could happen today. I don't think the government would allow it.

I was in way over my head, and with my hair that's saying something.

After four dreary months, out of the blue we got a message that David Letterman wanted to come on as a guest. Dave was the biggest thing on TV. He didn't go on other people's shows. It was like The Beatles asking Maury Povich if they could stop by and sing a couple of tunes.

I have no illusions anyone is watching me this evening. But if there happen to be a few of you out there, I'm going to let you know the exact moment when Dave's show is starting, and I'd like you to switch over. I may be talking to seven viewers at that time, but I really think you should do it.

The Late Show with David Letterman
I'll be honest with you. It's beginning to look like I'm not going to get "The Tonight Show."

Do you know what I'm going to do when I retire? I hope to become the new face of Scientology.

Earlier today, we got a call from Stephen Hawking. He's a genius, and after 6,028 shows he ran the numbers and he said it works out to about eight minutes of laughter.

When we started the show, there were mixed responses. Half of the people said, "That show doesn't have a chance." The other half said, "That show doesn't have a prayer."

Back when we started this show, the hottest program on television was "Keeping Up With the Gabors."

My good friend Paul Shaffer and I are going to continue in show business. Next month Paul and I will debut our new act at Caesar's Palace with our white tigers.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
We are now 11 weeks away from the first Republican presidential debate. The debate will be held in a 300-seat theater, so there’ll be almost enough seats for all the candidates.

This week Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson got his handprints and footprints in cement outside Hollywood’s Chinese Theater. And this is the amazing part: The cement wasn’t even wet.

Former "Baywatch" star Pamela Anderson posed naked in the shower for a campaign aimed at saving water in drought-stricken California. And as a bonus, it also reminded people to recycle plastic.

According to a new poll, one third of Americans believe animals deserve the same rights as people. The other two thirds have cats.

Mon, Jul 27, 2015

#3287

Late Night From 05/21

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
This week presidential candidate Bernie Sanders introduced a new bill that would make four-year college tuition free. Which was great news, unless you were the student who was just walking out of your graduation.

Bernie Sanders made around $2,000 last year for two speeches and a TV appearance, compared to the $25 million the Clintons made. Making him the first person in history to run for president just because he really needs the money.

Alfonso Ribeiro will replace Tom Bergeron as the new host of “America's Funniest Home Videos.” It’s great news for all those fans who watch “America’s Funniest Home Videos” for the host.

Bruce Springsteen is selling his house in Beverly Hills for around $70 million. And for that much money, the house actually comes WITH Bruce Springsteen.

Conan O'Brien
By 2020 the minimum wage in Los Angeles is going to be raised to $15 an hour. This is great news for the members of my band.

First lady Michelle Obama has posted an exercise video of her beating up a punching bag. But don't worry, Vice President Biden is going to be OK.

President Obama, by the way, has set a Guinness World Record as the fastest person to get a million Twitter followers. Obama now has as many followers as the Republicans have presidential candidates.

Three Southwest Airlines baggage handlers are accused of smuggling drugs in luggage. The officials became suspicious when every single one of the Southwest bags made it to its destination.

Jimmy Kimmel Live
The government released hundreds of documents seized from Osama bin Laden's compound. Among the items is a job application for al-Qaida. It's like a regular job application except it asks questions like, "Where do you see yourself exploding in the next five years?"

I'd like to see a job interview for al-Qaida: "I see you spent eight years hating the great devil of the West. Can you tell me more?"

To join al-Qaida, you must be willing to die in the name of Allah and be proficient at Microsoft XL.

This is a real question on the al-Qaida job application: "Have you ever been in jail or prison?" Usually that is a bad thing but in this case I don't know.

How bad must it feel to not get the job with al-Qaida. "We don't feel you are right for the job at this time."

Late Night With Seth Meyers
I was surprised to hear this. Hillary Clinton’s Super PAC has reportedly been struggling to raise money. It’s gotten so bad, they may have to start reaching out to Americans.

Chelsea Clinton has written a children's book titled “It’s Your World: Get Informed, Get Inspired & Get Going.” It’s a great book to read to your workaholic toddler.

Scientists working on The Syracuse University Lava Project have discovered how to grill a steak using lava. The hard part is getting the cow up on the volcano.

Tue, Jul 28, 2015

#3288

Late Night From 06/01

Jimmy Kimmel Live
The big story today involves the athlete formerly known as Bruce Jenner. His female identity has been revealed as Caitlyn Jenner. And she's spelling Caitlyn with a "C" instead of a "K" — which is a slap in the face to the Kardashians.

Congratulations are in order for Kim Kardashian and Kanye West. They are expecting their second child. It will be the second time that Kim has participated in any real labor.

It's possible that Kim's baby was conceived the night Bruce Jenner went on TV with Diane Sawyer, which would be weird.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
Today is the first official day of the 2015 hurricane season. And this is amazing — the New York Knicks have already been eliminated.

Officials near Dallas are reporting that torrential rain and recent flooding has started driving snakes to attack people. Wow, Texans don’t just read the Bible, they’re living it.


The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
For the second year in a row, the Scripps National Spelling Bee ended in a tie with two winners. Or as each of their parents put it to their kids, “I told you that you shouldn’t have gone outside to play that one time.”

Kim Kardashian announced that she and Kanye West are expecting their second child. They say they don’t care whether it’s a boy or girl just as long as it’s famous.

During a speech in Iowa this weekend, Bernie Sanders criticized the billionaire class and said they “can’t have it all.” Billionaires would've responded but they were busy this weekend literally having it all.

Officials from the soccer organization FIFA, which decides which cities get to host the World Cup, are accused of accepting bribes when making their decision. Of course the toughest part for the soccer officials was taking bribes without using their hands.

Conan O'Brien
Kim Kardashian announced that she's pregnant again. Kim said it's been a difficult pregnancy. She wakes up in the middle of the night craving publicity.

A lawyer from Africa wants to marry Malia Obama in exchange for goats, sheep, and cows. In response, President Obama said, "Don't be ridiculous. My daughter isn't marrying a lawyer."

There's massive corruption, a massive scandal, in international soccer. The first clue was when a soccer team scored a suspiciously high three goals in one game.

In Michigan, the world's oldest person recently turned 116. When the president called to congratulate her, she said, "Tell McKinley I'm busy."

Wed, Jul 29, 2015

#3289

Late Night From 06/02

Jimmy Kimmel Live
Yesterday New Jersey got four inches of rain. In Newark there were fish in the street. Some people came out to catch them and eat them. Officials had to issue a warning not to eat the fish. If you have to be reminded not to eat fish that washed up on the street in Newark, I think we'd be OK without you.

Every year we invite the kids who win the Scripps National Spelling Bee to be on the show. We don't invite them to congratulate them. We invite them to be shellacked by me. I now have two little spirits to crush.

The spelling bee co-champions are Vanya Shivashankar and Gokul Venkatachalam. They won the competition by spelling each other's names correctly.

Winning the spelling bee is a big deal. You get to hear your name mispronounced by every newscaster in America.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
In the world of soccer, after the arrest of numerous other officials, FIFA President Sepp Blatter announced his resignation this afternoon. Sepp Blatter doesn't sound like the name of a guy who's stepping down. It sounds like the reason.

Senator Lindsey Graham announced that he's running for president because, you know, you want 50 people to run for president.

If elected, Lindsey Graham would be the first bachelor elected president in 130 years. And he'd also be the first candidate to choose his running mate in an elaborate rose ceremony.

Senator Ted Cruz said he thinks John F. Kennedy would be a Republican if he were alive today. Well, of course he would be Republican. He'd be 98 years old.


The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
In the world of soccer, FIFA President Sepp Blatter announced he's resigning only four days after he was re-elected. Now Sepp Blatter will go back to sounding like a disease you look up on WebMD.

The 79-year-old FIFA president, Sepp Blatter, will resign less than a week after the organization was rocked by a corruption scandal. But if you only learned one thing from all this, it's that you can never trust a 79-year-old Blatter.

According to an email from his staff, Donald Trump is set to announce on June 16 whether he will run for president. Seriously? At this point, Donald Trump announcing whether he’s running for president is like soccer’s World Cup — it happens every four years and no one in America cares.

Hillary Clinton announced that she will officially kick off her presidential campaign on June 13 in New York City. The good news is it's free to get in. Which sounds great until you find out it's $100,000 to get out.

Conan O'Brien
The TSA is under fire for major security lapses. The TSA has let through pipe bombs, knives, and the last three Nicolas Cage movies.

In a recent interview, the Pope revealed he doesn't use the Internet and he hasn't watched television since 1990. Then he announced his plan to make Bill Cosby a saint.

Basketball commentator Charles Barkley said he'd like to shoot sports fans who act like jerks. Barkley was then reprimanded by the NBA and recruited by the NFL.

The Grateful Dead are putting out an 80-disc live performance box set. No word yet on which Grateful Dead song it will be.

Thu, Jul 30, 2015

#3290

Late Night From 06/03

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
Hillary Clinton is headed to L.A. this month to attend a fundraiser hosted by "Spider-Man" star Tobey Maguire. Hillary is a big fan of Spider-Man because he proves that Americans still love sequels.

According to a new poll, the number of Americans who trust Hillary is dropping. Specifically into a hole that Hillary covered with leaves.

In a recent interview, George Clooney said that he doesn't believe in plastic surgery and thinks people should just try to look the best that they can at their age. Then the interviewer said, “Great. Do you have any advice for people who aren't George Clooney?”

Last weekend, 92-year-old Harriette Thompson became the oldest woman ever to complete a marathon. While the guy who finished after her made history by being the first person not to brag about running a marathon.

Conan O'Brien
A petition is circulating to revoke Caitlyn Jenner's 1976 Olympic gold medal. It was started by the guy who got the silver medal.

Facebook has unveiled a new option to let users keep their private information secure. The option is called "Sign Off of Facebook."

Cameron Crowe has issued an apology for casting Emma Stone as an Asian woman in his new movie. He also announced that his next film about Malcolm X will no longer star Benedict Cumberbatch.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
Delta Air Lines is experimenting with pre-loading carry-on bags to speed up the boarding process. And if there's any phrase that fills me with terror, it's "Delta Air Lines is experimenting."

Millions of noisy and rare cicadas have emerged from the ground in central Kansas after spending 17 years underground. Said one cicada, "Bush versus Clinton, oh crap, you guys, we haven't slept at all. We came out too early."

A Maryland couple is suing their realtor because they say the agent knew the home was infested with snakes, but sold it to them anyway. In fairness, what the realtor said was the place definitely didn't have any mice.

Fri, Jul 31, 2015

#3291

Late Night From 06/04

Jimmy Kimmel Live
We have a new Republican candidate for president who also happens to be an old Republican candidate for president, former Texas Governor Rick Perry. He's at it again, and why not? There are only so many coyotes you can shoot on your ranch. What else does he have to do?

The Republican presidential race has more characters than "Game of Thrones."

A research group did an international study and found the people happiest with their looks live in Mexico. Mexicans are happier with their looks than anyone in the world. I would have guessed Kardashians.

Have you seen Kim Jong Un lately? There are photos of him and he has put on pounds. According to sources, Kim Jong Un has been emotionally eating since Dennis Rodman was spotted on a date with another dictator.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
Former Rhode Island Governor Lincoln Chafee announced his run for president yesterday. And he said he wants the U.S. to switch to the metric system. OK, you know what? I will start — Lincoln Chafee won't get within a kilometer of the White House. He's several hectares away.

Triple Crown hopeful American Pharaoh has signed a deal with Monster, the energy drink, worth over $7 million. How did he sign the deal?

And if American Pharaoh doesn't win the Triple Crown, he has a back-up deal with Arby's.

IKEA, the world's largest furniture retailer, pledged over $1 billion earlier today to help slow climate change. But knowing IKEA, it's probably going to take forever to put the money together.


The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
Former governor of Rhode Island Lincoln Chafee is challenging Hillary Clinton for the Democratic nomination. During his announcement, he said, "I realize I'm not that well known, don't have a ton of support, I’m limited on funds, and . . . why am I doing this again?”

During his announcement, Chafee said it would help our economy if we embraced the metric system. Finally answering the question: What is the world’s worst campaign slogan?

On the Republican side, today former Texas Governor Rick Perry announced he is running for president. While growing up he wanted to be a veterinarian, but his grades weren’t good enough. Luckily for us, now he wants to be in charge of people.

In honor of its 40th anniversary, the movie “Jaws” is heading back to theaters later this month. Steven Spielberg was apparently sitting on his yacht recently and thought to himself, "I'm gonna need a bigger boat."

Conan O'Brien
The Christmas-themed town of North Pole, Alaska, has officially approved marijuana dispensaries. So don't expect your presents from Santa until next April.

Santa will be showing up with Rudolph the Red-Eyed Reindeer.

The Late Late Show with James Corden California is suffering from a terrible drought. But scientists have come up with a plan to convert toilet water into drinking water by a rigorous three-step purification process. That's all it takes to convert sewage into the water that I then drink? I wish they hadn't even told me how many steps they use.

Just lie to us, OK? Tell me the toilet water is filtered 3,000 times.

I feel about drinking toilet water the way a celebrity who agrees to do "Dancing With the Stars" feels. I don't want to do it. I'm not proud of it, but I guess I have no other options.

Sat, Aug 01, 2015

#3292

Late Night From 06/05

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
It has been a crazy week in the news. Let me just tell you how weird it's gotten. It turns out the names Lincoln Chafee and Sepp Blatter are actual people, and not horses running in the Belmont Stakes.

Lincoln Chafee, former governor of Rhode Island, announced he's running for president. Before he announced he's running, his wife went on Facebook and asked his staff if they remembered his password. Because if a Facebook password is too hard to remember, the launch codes for the nukes should be a piece of cake.

In an interview yesterday, Lindsey Graham discussed his foreign policy and said if people are worn out by war, quote, "Don't vote for me." Graham's supporters appreciate his honesty, while his opponents appreciate the sound bite they can use in their attack ads.

Sun, Aug 02, 2015

#3293

Late Night From 06/08

The Late Late Show with James Corden
A woman in Spain has been trying to sell the sun on eBay. First, a little background for people in Los Angeles. The sun is the huge yellow thing in the sky right behind all that smog.

Here's a good rule for when you're trying to sell something on eBay. Check that you own it, and if it's the sun, you probably don't own it. So that means you aren't allowed to sell it.

Can you imagine owning the sun? That sounds like a hot property!

Experts are saying that if she wins the case — No, I'm kidding. No experts have even been asked about this case.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
At a summit this weekend, President Obama accidentally missed a high five from the prime minister of Iraq. Pretty embarrassing, but not as bad as the time George W. Bush left Saddam hanging.

According to a new study, the recommendation that people need eight glasses of water per day is a myth. I think we figured that out when we never once drank eight glasses of water and still survived.

Chipotle has announced plans to provide paid vacation, tuition, reimbursement, and sick days for hourly workers, which is great. But now if you want guacamole, it's $400.

The biggest blockbuster of the summer is coming out, and it stars Barack Obama. It's a Disney picture called "Honey, I Shrunk the Economy."


The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
Last night the Cleveland Cavaliers beat the Golden State Warriors in overtime to tie the NBA Finals at one game apiece. LeBron James said it was a huge win, and he couldn’t have done it without the ball.

On Saturday, Tiger Woods had a rough time at the Memorial Tournament in Ohio, where he shot an 85, which was his worst round ever — or what most people who have ever played golf would happily call "my best round ever, shot an 85."

Yahoo! announced last week that after eight years of operation it's shutting down Yahoo! Maps. Also announced this week — there's something called Yahoo! Maps.

Conan O'Brien
We have a historic drought going on now in this state. Due to the drought, California Governor Jerry Brown said he has cut back on bathing. As a result, Californians have cut back on hanging out with Jerry Brown.

Over the weekend, Hillary Clinton supported raising the federal minimum wage to $15 per hour. She said every American should be able to afford to attend one of her speeches.

A federal court has ruled that the U.S. Postal Service must reduce its stamp prices. The change in stamp prices is expected to affect as many as seven Americans.

This weekend in Los Angeles, people got to meet famous cats from the Internet at the first-ever CatCon. Unfortunately, I couldn't make it because I'm allergic to sad people.

Mon, Aug 03, 2015

#3294

Late Night From 06/09

Jimmy Kimmel Live
This morning here in Los Angeles it rained. The people who are most excited about the rain are the local weather reporters. All year long they have nothing to do. But when the rain comes down, even a little bit, they spring into action like cheetahs onto a baby gazelle.

Have you been watching the NBA Finals? Basketball is an important part of our lives. Without basketball, think of all the ridiculous-looking shoes we wouldn't have.

When an NBA Finals series is tied at one game apiece, the winner of Game 3 goes on to win the title 84 percent of the time, according to a group of mathematicians who never touched a basketball.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
Presidential hopeful Lindsey Graham, who is single, said today that if elected he will have a “rotating first lady.” Even creepier, he said it on Tinder.

Donald Trump said over the weekend that his decision whether to run for president is going to make a lot of people very happy. That’s too bad. I was hoping he would run.

Mattel has announced it will come out with a new line of Barbie dolls that will be more racially diverse than previous generations. “Still not interested,” said Ken.


The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
During a recent speech, Mike Huckabee said he is the only person who has fought the Clinton political machine and won. “You sure about that?” said President Barack Obama.

Mike Huckabee said he's the only person who has fought the Clinton political machine and won. As opposed to Democratic candidate Bernie Sanders, who’s the only person who fought a fax machine and lost.

Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie, and their family were recently photographed sitting in coach on a flight from Paris. Brad and Angelina didn't mind flying coach, but they did get annoyed when they were asked to check some of their carry-on children.

In a recent interview, Vladimir Putin said that despite any conflicts the West has no need to be afraid of Russia. Although keep in mind that Putin said that as he was petting a tank.

Conan O'Brien
In California, a 99-year-old grandmother has fulfilled her dream of graduating college. The tough part now is that she has to go to job interviews where they ask her, "Where do you see yourself in five years"?

Yesterday in Iowa just four supporters showed up to eat lunch with Republican presidential candidate Rick Santorum. It's always a bad sign when your entire voter base can fit in a deli booth.

The Late Late Show with James Corden
There's a Japanese online dating site that has 2.7 million registered users, and currently only one of those 2.7 million users is a woman. You just know that the second she signed up, her phone must have literally exploded.

That would make a great premise for the next season of "The Bachelorette." One woman, 2.7 million men. Who will get a rose?

The Apple Watch is one of the hottest products in the world right now. It's amazing. It's a phone, it's the Internet, and it can read your heart rate. There's even a rumor that it can tell time.

Tue, Aug 04, 2015

#3295

Late Night From 06/10

Jimmy Kimmel Live
What a great NBA Finals this has been. Last night the Cavaliers held off the Warriors in another thriller. LeBron James has 123 points in the first three games. Those are like numbers from an NBA video game.

The big star of the game last night was Matthew Dellavedova. He's a scrappy, unheralded guard from Australia. He plays like a shelter dog that just got adopted by Ellen DeGeneres.

Matthew Dellavedova is the kind of guy you'd like to bring to Wal-Mart on Black Friday. You'd definitely get an Xbox with him there.

The Women's World Cup is under way again. Soccer, of course, is the sport in which you're only allowed to use your hands if you're the goalie or taking a bribe.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
Hillary Clinton has joined Instagram. Meanwhile, her Democratic opponent Bernie Sanders joined telegram.

Hillary Clinton joined Instagram this afternoon and somehow she's already deleted thousands of photos.

A new study claims that women tend to let handsome men off the hook for things more easily, which is why I'm constantly apologizing.

A new study claims that poor posture caused by texting is becoming an epidemic. I'm not sure if I've been affected, but I have a hunch.


The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
I'm Jimmy Fallon, and if just one more of LeBron's teammates gets hurt, I'm the new forward for the Cleveland Cavaliers.

What a game last night. The Cleveland Cavaliers beat the Golden State Warriors to take a 2-1 lead in the NBA Finals. The next time you'll see someone fighting this hard for Ohio won't be until next year's presidential election.

In addition to 40 points from LeBron James, the Cavs got another big game from guard Matthew Dellavedova, who had 20. Then Dellavedova pulled off his mask and said, “Nope, still LeBron.”

Starbucks may be phasing out cappuccinos after customers began to notice that they've disappeared from some stores across the country. Starbucks plans to focus on its best-selling menu items: milkshakes disguised as coffee.

Conan O'Brien
Jeb Bush is taking his presidential campaign on a tour of Europe. He’s telling Europeans, "I like you guys because you’re comfortable having the same family in charge for centuries."

A Nobel Prize-winning scientist was asked about female scientists, and he said, "Three things happen when they are in the lab: You fall in love with them, they fall in love with you, and when you criticize them, they cry." His funeral is Saturday.

There is a push for American Pharoah to be named Sports Illustrated's "Sportsman of the Year." There’s also a much smaller push for American Pharoah to be featured in the next swimsuit issue.

The Late Late Show with James Corden
Indiana's lottery is selling bacon-scented tickets as part of a "Bringin' Home the Bacon" game. If you win, you can choose between $10,000 or bacon for 20 years. They better hope I don't win. That $10,000 would be a drop in the ocean.

If I win that lottery, within six months officials will say, "We'll give you $1 million dollars. We'll give you $2 million. We just can't keep up. Please stop with the bacon."

The lottery ticket smells like bacon but it doesn't taste like bacon. I learned that the hard way.

That is not the only pork story coming out of Indiana. A woman in Muncie was arrested after she stabbed her friend in the eye with a fork for taking the last rib at a barbecue. I am strongly against eye-stabbing. That being said, if you're going to stab someone in the eye, this is a reason I can get behind.

Wed, Aug 05, 2015

#3296

Late Night From 06/11
Part 1

Jimmy Kimmel Live
A lot of NBA players have tattoos. But Kyrie Irving of the Cavaliers has a tattoo that I've never seen on an NBA player or any other person before. He's got the "Friends" TV show logo on his forearm. That's the kind of tattoo you get when you don't have friends to stop you from making terrible decisions like that.

Boredom has apparently set in in a big way in Thailand where some young men did what any reasonable group of kids would do. One of them stripped down to his underwear and let the other guys fill his shorts with fire ants. That definitely beats the ice bucket challenge.

After the kids in Thailand cleared off all the ants, do you know what the bite marks on his body formed the shape of? The logo from "Friends."

Late Night With Seth Meyers
Presidential hopeful Rand Paul warned the media today that if anyone is mean to his wife during the campaign, they'll have to answer to him. And Hillary Clinton said that if anyone is mean to Bill, that’s totally fine.

Three astronauts returned to Earth today from the International Space Station after spending more than 200 days in space. Said one of the astronauts, “Bill Cosby did what?”


The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
Republican candidate Carly Fiorina said that if she becomes president she wants people to be able to take out their phones and vote on ideas during her speeches. Which worked out well for people who already had their phones out during Carly Fiorina’s speeches.

Olympic figure skater Michelle Kwan is now a full-time paid staffer on Hillary Clinton's presidential campaign. While Tonya Harding was hired to take care of any other Democrats who enter the race.

Vladimir Putin traveled to Italy to meet with Pope Francis yesterday. They say Putin should be done with confession by sometime next fall.

According to a new survey, Lord Voldemort from “Harry Potter” actually has a higher favorability rating than most GOP presidential candidates. Or in other words, “He who must not be named” is more popular than “He whose name I forgot” and “What’s her face.”

Conan O'Brien
Pizza Hut announced it will be unveiling a pizza whose crust is stuffed with hot dogs. It's the first pizza where they promise to deliver an ambulance in 30 minutes.

There's no better proof that our country is back than they're jamming hot dogs into the crust of pizza. That's a sign that we as a country cannot be defeated.

The Late Late Show with James Corden
Apple has just announced that from now on, all new iPhones and iPads will require a six-digit passcode. You hear that, hackers? Now instead of typing "1,2,3,4" to hack into my iPhone, you're going to have to type "1,2,3,4,5,6."

A couple of years ago you could use one password for everything. But now you need a different password for everything and when you do come up with one, you get judged. Apple or whoever tells you it's excellent, fair, or weak. When did the Internet turn into Simon Cowell?

Thu, Aug 06, 2015

#3297

Late Night From 06/12

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
There are reports that Hillary Clinton’s campaign is saving money by encouraging staffers to take discounted buses between New York and Washington. Not to be outdone, Bernie Sanders is actually Fed-Exing himself to every speech.

Bernie Sanders told reporters that his campaign will have plenty of money to compete for the Democratic nomination. Then he said, while writing down an order, “And I’ll be right back with your pancakes.”

Many lawmakers on Capitol Hill wore seersucker suits to work yesterday, in honor of National Seersucker Day. In a related story, ISIS is still a huge problem, you guys.

A new study says that chimpanzees occasionally drink too much fermented palm sap, which causes them to act drunk. Researchers could tell the chimps were drunk when one of them suggested karaoke.

Fri, Aug 07, 2015

#3298

Late Night From 06/15

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
How about this woman Rachel Dolezal in Spokane, Washington? She was president of the Spokane chapter of the NAACP but was exposed as a white woman who was pretending to be black. A lot of people are upset, especially her white friends who thought they had at least one black friend.

Rachel Dolezal, the NAACP president in Spokane, was exposed for pretending to be black after her parents showed her Montana birth certificate and said that she is white. Though everyone else said, “Yeah, yeah, we got it at Montana birth certificate.”

Congrats to Benedict Cumberbatch and his wife, who just welcomed a baby boy. Now the real challenge: finding a name other than Benedict that actually goes with Cumberbatch.

Benedict Cumberbatch and his wife just welcomed a baby boy. The baby was 8 pounds, 2 ounces, and 20 syllables.

Conan O'Brien
Rachel Dolezal, the white woman pretending to be African American, has resigned from her position in the NAACP. She was last spotted walking out of the NAACP offices with a box full of her Coldplay CDs.

Today Jeb Bush announced he's running for president on Snapchat. By using Snapchat, Bush's message will disappear after 10 seconds just like the excitement over his campaign.

The Late Late Show with James Corden
People were so angry over the finale of "Game of Thrones" that they went on Twitter to complain about it. And then people on Twitter got angry that those people just spoiled the finale of "Game of Thrones." And all of their complaining is now making me complain about this on TV.

Saying "Spoiler alert" doesn't fix that you're still about to spoil something. It's like somebody saying, "No offense" or "No disrespect."

Do you know who is really spoiling "Game of Thrones?" The author, George R.R. Martin. He said that Jon Snow was going to die back in 2011.

People got so upset about Jon Snow dying on "Game of Thrones." It's a show about dragons and incest. I mean, who thought it was going to end well?

Late Night With Seth Meyers
It was a beautiful weekend in New York. This is how nice the weather was: I went outside without sunscreen for about an hour, and I was elected to run the Spokane NAACP.

Hillary Clinton has released a 14-song Spotify playlist to go along with her 2016 campaign. The weird part, though, is that it’s just “Eye of the Tiger” 14 times.

Beachgoers in Florida have been warned about deadly flesh-eating bacteria in the water. Of course, if you’re even in Florida, you’ve already ignored a few warnings.

Sat, Aug 08, 2015

#3299

Late Night From 06/16

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
Jeb Bush is here tonight, fresh off his announcement that he’s running for president. We were also going to have Donald Trump as well, but last time we checked he was still giving his speech.

Trump is running for president and he's wasting no time getting down to business. In fact, just after his announcement he demanded to see Jeb Bush's birth certificate.

Rachel Dolezal stepped down from her position as president of an NAACP chapter after it was revealed that she was a white woman pretending to be black. Now her brother says he knew about it but she asked him not to blow her cover. Unfortunately, her cover had already been blown by God when he made her a blond-haired, blue-eyed white lady.

Congrats to the Chicago Blackhawks, who defeated the Tampa Bay Lightning last night to win the Stanley Cup. Though there was some controversy when the Blackhawks’ parents revealed that they’re actually Whitehawks pretending to be black.

Conan O'Brien
Donald Trump announced today he is running for president of the United States. Traditionally that means six more weeks of comedy.

Due to Donald Trump entering the presidential race, season 15 of "Celebrity Apprentice" will not air. But don't worry. With Trump running for president, you'll still get to see an irrelevant B-list celebrity not get a job.

This morning Rachel Dolezal, the white NAACP leader who claimed for years that she was black, made an appearance on the "Today" show. I don't think she's learned her lesson because for the first hour she pretended to be Al Roker.

A new study reveals the average American is 33 pounds heavier than the average person in France. After hearing this, Gerard Depardieu said, "Hey, I'm doing all I can."

Jimmy Kimmel Live
Did you see Donald Trump's big announcement today? Trump is very confident. He could be the only presidential candidate to ever pick himself as a running mate.

A lot of people aren't taking Trump seriously. But the fact of the matter is, when Donald Trump makes an announcement, people listen — because he's shouting. You have no choice but to listen.

Trump said, "The American dream is dead." All right, well, it's not exactly "Hope and change," but it's a slogan.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
Donald Trump announced today that he is running for president. And based on the amount of bronzer he uses, he's also running for president of the Spokane NAACP.

Former Spokane NAACP president Rachel Dolezal said today that she doesn't think of herself as a con artist. Of course, she also doesn't think of herself as a white lady, but she is.

An English couple has become the world's oldest newlyweds at the ages of 91 and 103. The couple registered at Bed, Bath & the Great Beyond.

Sun, Aug 09, 2015

#3300

Late Night From 06/17

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
Donald Trump announced that he’s running for president. During his speech he told the crowd that if elected he would be “the greatest jobs president that God ever created.” Then God said, "Hey, don't drag me into this publicity stunt."

Donald Trump told ABC news that if he had Oprah as a running mate, they could easily win. Although you know who’d definitely win? Oprah WITHOUT Donald Trump.

Congrats to the Golden State Warriors, who beat the Cleveland Cavaliers to win the NBA championship. But it was a little awkward. Mark Jackson, who was fired as the Warriors' coach last season, was one of the broadcasters for ABC. That is basically the sports equivalent of the bride’s ex giving a wedding toast.

Conan O'Brien
In his presidential announcement speech yesterday, Donald Trump pledged to become "the greatest jobs president that God ever created." This is from the man who coined the catch phrase "You're fired."

Political analysts are saying that as a candidate, Donald Trump is "a totally unqualified nuisance." In other words, he is a legitimate contender for the Republican nomination.

For the first time in 140 years, a black bear was spotted in Indiana. When questioned, the bear said, “Actually, I just identify as black.”

Yesterday Rachel Dolezal, the white NAACP leader who said she is black, claimed there's no biological proof that she's white. However, today that was disproven by scientists who found wine cooler in her bloodstream.

Jimmy Kimmel Live
Donald Trump is running for president, and I couldn't be happier about it. He promised he would be "the greatest jobs president that God ever created." I think President Trump would be a very good thing for jobs in this country — specifically for my job here at this show.

Last night the Golden State Warriors beat the Cleveland Cavaliers to win their first NBA title in 40 years. Andre Iguodala of the Warriors was named the MVP, which is great news for everyone except whoever has to engrave that name on a trophy.

It was a devastating loss for Cavs superstar LeBron James. He lost both the NBA Finals and 40 percent of his hairline. It's times like these when it really helps that you make $65 million a year.

In England, the world's oldest bride and groom tied the knot. She's 91, he's 103. Men are unbelievable. He couldn't find someone his own age? They're the world's oldest newlyweds, but I like to think of them as the world's newest oldlyweds.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
Presidential hopeful Donald Trump said yesterday that he has better hair than Senator Marco Rubio — a claim that was recently disproven by wind.

A new study suggests that marriage is more beneficial for men than women. The results of the study were shouted at me through a locked bedroom door.

Emerson College officials said that starting in 2016 they will offer students the opportunity to major in comedy. Or, you can just take your tuition money and burn it in front of your parents.

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