Jokes of the day

3251 - 3275


Sun, Jun 21, 2015


Late Night From 03/30/15

Jimmy Kimmel Live
Tonight we have music from Van Halen. I was listening to their song "Jump." My favorite part is when he says, "Go ahead, jump. Might as well jump." Yeah, you might as well. It's not like you had other things to do.

Tonight, from the new movie "Furious 7," Vin Diesel is here. "Furious 7" is the story of a man who falls in love with the tailpipe of a Dodge Charger.

Google has received a patent for air bags and bumpers for the outside of a car to protect pedestrians. The material has a similar consistency to the memory foam they make beds and pillows out of. So in the future, getting run over is going to be a lot more comfortable.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
During a speech on Friday, Senator Ted Cruz said that if you walk up to someone and say "Joe Biden," the person will crack up laughing. Which is the same reaction you get if you say “President Ted Cruz.”

A new study shows that eating chocolate may have positive effects on the brain similar to exercising. Said Americans with mouths full, “Yay! I’m exercising.”

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
There are reports that President Obama and his family may move to New York City after his term is over. Unfortunately, the city is so expensive, he's looking for another ex-president to be roommates with.

Apparently, the Obamas chose New York City because they've gotten so used to people trying to break into their house.

Governor Chris Christie defended his stance against legalizing marijuana, saying that any tax revenue generated from pot sales would be blood money. Then businessmen in New Jersey said, "Yeah, and we can't have that sort of thing here in New Jersey."

Conan O'Brien
The NCAA final four is headed to Indiana, where the state just passed a law that some say discriminates against gay people. Just wait until Indiana finds out that all those players shower together.

The ex-governor of Maryland, Martin O'Malley, said the presidency of the United States is not some crown to be passed between two families. Jeb Bush said that's true. It should really just belong to one family.

The Navajo Nation has decided to add a 2 percent tax on junk food. The junk food tax was opposed by respected Navajo leader "Chief Binges on Hot Pockets."

The Late Show with David Letterman
This Hillary Clinton scandal has to do with emails. All I get are emails for Canadian Viagra.

Hillary has now erased all of her emails, and she also had all of her pantsuits dry cleaned.

Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid says he will not seek re-election. Harry said he wants to spend more time with his family. As I always say, check with your family.

We are very close to a nuclear deal with Iran. The negotiations have been more complicated than a George Clooney prenup.

Mon, Jun 22, 2015


Late Night From 03/31

Jimmy Kimmel Live
McDonald's is going to test all-day breakfast at their restaurants in San Diego. Which means stoners now have absolutely no motivation to get up before 10:30.

All-day breakfast is good for McDonald's customers, but I think it's sad for the workers. It seems to me the most fun part of their job was telling people that breakfast is over.

Has anyone ever had pancakes and French fries together? What would happen if you did?

In England, Princess Kate started her maternity leave. Isn't her whole life maternity leave?

Late Night With Seth Meyers
The Rolling Stones have announced a new North American stadium tour. If you want to know if they're coming to your city, find out if your stadium has a ramp.

It's so unfair. Mick Jagger dances around for three hours. He's fine. I ran up the stairs today and had to shut it down for half an hour.

The Cincinnati Reds have debuted the first in-stadium nursery for moms and babies. So if you're arguing with your wife about going to a game, and you need a solution that makes everyone happy, this is definitely not it.

Less than a week after leaving the band One Direction, Zayn Malik has released his first solo song. It's called "Oh No, What Have I Done?"

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
The White House announced that President Obama will attend a summit in Kenya this July. When asked if he's ever been to Kenya, Obama said, “Of course. I was born — no, bored — over there. There's nothing to do in Kenya.”

According to a new study, the marijuana in Colorado is almost twice as strong as it was 20 years ago. Of course, people had some questions for the scientists, like "How can I get your job?"

Taco Bell is replacing the “Waffle Taco” with its new “Biscuit Taco,” which is a taco-shaped biscuit filled with eggs, sausage, or chicken. That story again: Weed is twice as strong as it used to be.

According to a new poll, Republicans are more likely to have a doughnut for breakfast, while Democrats prefer to eat bagels and croissants. While Independents are that annoying friend who's still looking at the menu after 15 minutes.

Conan O'Brien
As of this week, the only state that President Obama has not visited while in office is South Dakota. Residents of South Dakota said they're looking forward to President Obama or any black person visiting soon.

Nigeria just held their election and their incumbent president, whose actual name is Goodluck Jonathan, lost the race. He was beaten by his rival, Betterluck Jonathan.

A Kentucky woman has been arrested for giving a 1-year-old child beer and rum. She broke the Kentucky rule — never mix beer and liquor.

In Thailand, a man has been sentenced to 25 years in jail for insulting the king on Facebook. This does not bode well for next year's Comedy Central roast of the king of Thailand.

The Late Show with David Letterman
The Atlanta Falcons have been fined and lost a draft pick for using fake crowd noise through their loudspeaker system at the stadium. The New York Jets do not use fake crowd noise, but they do have a laugh track.

Al Gore is 67 years old today. Al Gore, 67 candles on his cake. There's your global warming.

It was announced that President Obama and his wife, when they're finished in Washington, are moving to New York City. The guy just can't get enough gridlock.

Here's the latest on the Iran deal. Iran says they will not make nuclear weapons if the U.S. doesn't make more movies with Seth Rogen and James Franco.

Tue, Jun 23, 2015


Late Night From 04/01
Part 1

Jimmy Kimmel Live
I am the host of the show. My name is Bobby. Just kidding, it's Jimmy. April Fools.

Today is April Fools' Day. Do you know that Brazilian wax that women get? That was a prank. That started on April Fools' Day.

In Indiana, state legislators played a hilarious April Fools' prank on gays and lesbians. They convinced them they'd passed a law that would let businesses discriminate against them.

The world's oldest person passed away. So now the title of oldest person alive belongs to Gertrude Weaver, a 116-year-old woman from Arkansas. Not only is Gertrude the oldest woman in the world, she is the only woman in the world still named Gertrude.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
You’ve all heard about the Indiana religious freedom law? Some people think it’s anti-gay. Well, presidential hopefuls Jeb Bush, Ted Cruz, and Scott Walker have all come out in favor of the new law. Well, I guess I shouldn’t say “come out.”

It’s being reported that Kim Kardashian may be pregnant. Or maybe she was just standing backwards.

A new guide for airport security urges agents to look for whistling, recently shaved beards, and excessive yawning. Which I guess explains why I saw two TSA agents frisking each other.

Real Time wiht Bill Maher
"Now people want Brian Williams to resign, but it could have a happy ending. Apparently what he said was such a blatant departure from the truth, today he got an offer from Fox News."

"Rand Paul and Chris Christie both said vaccinations should be a choice, not a government mandate. Because when have Republicans ever told people what they could do with their own bodies?"

"What we don't know is about Jeb Bush and cocaine. But we do know that he did once had his brother Florida on a silver platter."

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
President Obama has reduced the sentences of 22 federal prisoners who were arrested for drug-related crimes — eight of whom were serving life sentences. It marks the first time someone has said “Thanks Obama” but actually meant it.

Rand Paul is taking a week-long break from talking to the media to spend time with his family before he officially announces that he is running for president. Because nothing motivates you to be on the road for two straight years like a week alone with your family.

Conan O'Brien
Indiana's governor is coming under fire for a new law that some people feel is anti-gay. The governor now says he is not anti-gay. Then immediately afterwards he said, "April Fools." It wasn't his best joke.

For the first time, a vegan gluten-free bakery has opened at Disney World. The place is called "It's a Sad World After All."

A 95-year-old man has officially become the world's oldest pilot. He's also become the first pilot to fly at 25 miles per hour.

The Late Show with David Letterman
It's April Fools' Day. So be careful. And don't forget to turn back your clocks.

Here's what my son did to me today. I forgot it was April Fools' Day. He switched my Lipitor with my Flomax.

The world's oldest person died at 117. That moves me up to No. 7.

President Obama and his wife are going to Kenya. Donald Trump said, "While you're there, pick up your birth certificate."

Wed, Jun 24, 2015


Late Night From 04/02

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
We have first lady Michelle Obama on the show tonight. As you'd expect, security's been pretty tight. On my way in I got five pat-downs, and that was just from Joe Biden.

We actually had to tape earlier than usual today. Not because of the first lady's schedule, but so the Secret Service could make it to happy hour.

According to a new survey, almost half of the voters in Ohio, Florida, and Pennsylvania say that they do not trust Hillary Clinton. Republicans immediately got together and said, "OK, this is a huge opportunity for us. How are we going to screw it up?"

Conan O'Brien
In Tennessee, a man sued pizza hut after he allegedly broke a denture biting into an excessively hard crouton. Which begs the question, who goes to Pizza Hut and orders the salad? Seriously.

The Rolling Stones announced a 15-city tour of North America. Mick Jagger said it's the biggest tour they've done on a single continent since the Stones toured Pangaea. See, that's funny because Pangaea was back when all the continents were one, easily 2 billion years ago.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
A new report finds that by 2050, the number of Muslims across the globe will be nearly equal to the number of Christians. For much more on this story, mention it to your grandpa.

Madison, Wisconsin, has become the first city in the nation to make it illegal to discriminate against atheists. Said atheists, “This is the law we’ve been ‘not praying’ for.”

Nightly Show with Larry Wilmore
"So the Florida Department of Environmental Protection can't use the term 'climate change'?" That's like telling Rudy Giuliani he can't use the word '9-11.' "

Daily Show with Jon Stewart
"Clearly the situational ethics of this country's leadership is easy to catalog, but the real takeaway from this seems to be no matter how evil our president or our Congress believes Iran to be, they would each rather deal with the ayatollah than each other."

“Never again will Brian Williams mislead this great nation about being shot at in a war we probably wouldn’t have ended up in if the media had applied this level of scrutiny to the actual f**king war."

Thu, Jun 25, 2015


Late Night From 04/03

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
After months of negotiations, Iran has finally agreed to reduce its nuclear weapons program. Which was great until Putin showed up and said, “Hi, I’m here about Craigslist ad for nukes.”

Iran said it will give up trying to make a nuclear weapon. But it got awkward when Iran said, “But just for Lent. We’ll start again on Monday.”

Many people are noting the difference between Hillary Clinton's friendly public appearances and her blunt and direct Twitter account. Yeah, she's nice in person, and mean on the Internet. You know, kinda like EVERYONE.

A new survey out says 64 percent of Americans own a smartphone. Which is interesting because in a related survey, 100 percent of smart phones say they own an American.

The Late Show with David Letterman
Kids in Washington every year have the big Easter egg roll on the White House lawn. The kids found 300 Easter eggs. They also found about 10,000 missing Hillary emails.

Right after the show tonight, I'm going to the New York City car show. You get to see the models that will be crashed next year by drunken Secret Service agents.

It's the only auto show in the world where you might actually find a body in a trunk of a Chevy.

At the auto show, they have a car that parks itself. And they had it out on the streets of New York to demonstrate how the car parks itself. Couldn't find a spot.

Fri, Jun 26, 2015


Late Night From 04/06

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
President Obama just made his first presidential trip to the state of Utah. Obama spent his time in Utah just like you'd expect — telling people, “Uh, no, I don't play for the Jazz.”

While he was in Utah, Obama discussed immigration reform with leaders of the Mormon Church. Obama introduced the first lady. Then the church's president introduced HIS first lady. And his second lady. And his third, fourth, and fifth ladies.

Jeb Bush is facing criticism after it was just revealed that he checked off his race as "Hispanic" on a voter registration form back in 2009. When asked if he regrets it now, Bush said, "Si.”

There was a big upset in March Madness over the weekend. The Wisconsin Badgers beat the undefeated Kentucky Wildcats to play in tonight’s National Championship. When asked how they felt about the loss, Kentucky's players were already in the NBA and couldn't care less.

Conan O'Brien
Regardless of your religion I hope you had a nice Easter, which makes no sense. You better have worshiped.

On Easter, the Pope asked for peace in the Middle East. There are two groups the Pope has to contend with — Jewish people and Muslims. They couldn't wait to hear his suggestions.

Today was the annual Easter egg roll on the White House lawn. Usually when you see something rolling on the White House lawn it's a drunk Secret Service agent.

March Madness is coming to an end. On Saturday after losing to Wisconsin, Kentucky fans went into the street and started burning things. Meanwhile, Wisconsin fans went out and starting frying things and covering them with cheese.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
According to The New York Times, Jeb Bush identified himself as Hispanic on his 2009 voter registration form. While Hillary Clinton identified herself as "President."

Jeb Bush identified himself as Hispanic, so I guess it's actually pronounced "Yeb Bush."

Sat, Jun 27, 2015


Late Night From 04/07

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
Rand Paul is officially running for president. He even revealed his campaign slogan, which is “Defeat the Washington machine. Unleash the American dream.” It’s hard to tell if he's running for president or doing an infomercial for Bowflex.

A massive power outage in Washington, D.C., today affected a number of federal buildings, including the White House. When asked when they could restore power to the White House, officials said, "2016?"

A new survey found that a growing number of millennials want to work from home and get more time off. They would have said more, but they had to pick up their gold star for participating in that survey.

According to a new study, students who write out their class notes instead of typing them have a better understanding of the lessons. While students who pay a friend for Xerox copies of THEIR notes are more likely to one day host “The Tonight Show.”

Conan O'Brien
Election officials say that in 2016, it may be possible to vote for the president on your smartphone. Can you imagine that? With one swipe you can choose a president and at the same time tell him or her where you want to hook up.

The top 15 contenders for the Republican nomination own at least 40 guns among them. If we elect a Republican president no one is hopping over the White House fence ever again.

Former Vice President Dick Cheney has a new become coming out that slams president Obama. You can buy the book from Amazon or download the version directly from Cheney's heart.

Someone in Utah has come down with a rare allergy to water. The person's going to be fine though because they just moved to California.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
Rand Paul announced he is running for president and bloggers pointed out that his campaign symbol, a small flame, looks nearly identical to the logo for the dating app Tinder. It's appropriate because in either case you have no idea what you’re getting into and it probably won’t work out.

British Prime Minister David Cameron is facing criticism from working-class voters after he was caught on camera today eating a hot dog with a knife and fork. And he got criticism from wealthy voters because he used a hamburger fork.

A leaked memo from Apple suggests they no longer want long customer lines outside of their stores for new product releases. And they figured out how to solve that problem: they’re going to release a $5,000 watch.

Sun, Jun 28, 2015


Late Night From 04/08

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
Arizona Senator John McCain announced that he plans on running for a sixth term because he is concerned about the nation's security. He plans to help just like any other 80-year-old: by sitting on his porch with a police scanner.

John McCain addressed critics who believe he will be too old to run for a sixth term in the Senate, saying that he's still healthy and ready to go. Then people around McCain said, “Why is he talking to that mannequin?”

John McCain responded to critics who say he’s too old for a sixth term by saying that his mother is 103 years old and doing well. The crazy thing is that even she is somehow younger than John McCain.

The handwritten lyrics to Don McLean’s classic song “American Pie” were auctioned off yesterday and sold for $1.2 million. In fact, McLean already has dubbed April 7 “the Day the Music Paid for my Boat.”

Conan O'Brien
The campaign to put a woman on the $20 bill has narrowed the choices down to four finalists. The four finalists are Rosa Parks, Harriet Tubman, Eleanor Roosevelt, and Flo from the Progressive Insurance ads.

California may force the city of Beverly Hills to cut its water use by up to 35 percent. So yet another tough break for Beverly Hills farmers.

McDonald's has announced plans to unveil even larger hamburgers. They also announced plans to widen their doors and reinforce the floors.

The NFL has hired its first full-time female referee. It should work out great because if there are two things that NFL players respect, they are authority and women.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
Election season is heating up. We're starting to hear who's running for president in 2016. Hillary Clinton is expected to launch her 2016 campaign sometime in the next two weeks. So remember, act surprised.

A new poll in Cuba shows that President Obama is more popular than Fidel Castro. Then again, so is putting your whole family on a raft in the middle of the night.

A sixth grader tied for the best ESPN March Madness NCAA bracket. But because he's under 18, he can't receive the prizes. He's the best in the country and he's getting nothing for it — just like the players.

It's been a rough season for the L.A. Lakers. Coach Byron Scott said that he thinks, given the opportunity, most of his players would shoot him in the back. On the plus side, they would probably miss.

Mon, Jun 29, 2015


Late Night From 04/09

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
Yesterday President Obama traveled to Jamaica, where he will meet with students and Caribbean leaders. Jamaica's such a beautiful place, Obama says he can't wait to just take it all in, hold it for several seconds, and then exhale.

In a new interview, the president discussed the upcoming election. He said that Hillary Clinton is going to do great as a presidential candidate. When asked how Biden would do, Obama said, "Hillary's going to do great."

When he was asked about Hillary's candidacy, Obama said, "If she's her wonderful self, I'm sure she'll do great." He added, "If she's her other self, watch out."

A group called Draft Biden 2016 has started selling bumper stickers that say "I'm ridin' with Biden." It's a lot better than the other one that women around the White House have started using — "I'm hidin' from Biden."

Conan O'Brien
In a recent interview, Michelle Obama said that the Secret Service taught Malia how to drive. In exchange, Malia taught the Secret Service how to throw a party when her parents are away.

New Hampshire may ban hunters from using chocolate as bait for bears. They've been using chocolate as bait for bears and they may ban it. They stopped using chocolate after the traps caught three depressed women going through a breakup.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
A man has been arrested in Chicago after a returning from a failed attempt to join ISIS. Man, how do you blow it with ISIS? “Derth to America! I mean, death! Death to America! Can I try it again?”

AC/DC is headlining the Coachella Music Festival this weekend. AC/DC at Coachella. I wonder what they’ll open with. Probably a lengthy explanation of who they are.

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie today appeared on a talk show called "Pasta and Politics." It went so well that he’s agreed to go on “Meet the Garlic Press.”

Tue, Jun 30, 2015


Late Night From 04/13

The Late Show with David Letterman
It's two days until tax time. I know it's late, but there is still time to deduct this show as a loss.

I told my accountant a couple of months ago that I'm getting ready to retire, and he said, "Oh, no. You're not getting out that easy."

Yesterday was my birthday. Every year my relatives from all over the country race to my house thinking it's going to be the reading of the will.

I'm 68. That's the age you start thinking to yourself: Is a reverse mortgage right for me?

Jimmy Kimmel Live
The cast of "The Avengers: Age of Ultron" is here. Robert Downey Jr., Chris Hemsworth, Mark Ruffalo, Chris Evans, Scarlett Johansson. We gathered them together in one place. They fell into my trap. Tonight I will destroy them.

I got to see the new "Avengers" movie last week. It's really good. It's different. In this one, the Avengers go to Maui for the week and let the world solve its own problems.

The Hulk has new pants in the movie. Instead of getting torn up in that Hulky way, they are made of a material that stretches with him. What that means is The Hulk is wearing yoga pants now. The Hulk shops at Lululemon.

They project that "The Avengers: Age of Ultron" will make $200 million on opening weekend alone. The first Avengers movie made $1.5 billion. Imagine how much they would make if the guys going to opening weekend brought dates?

Conan O'Brien
Yesterday Hillary Clinton made the big announcement we all knew was coming. She's going to join the all-female cast of "Ghost Busters."

Hillary Clinton is now driving from New York to Iowa. It's been called the least-exciting spring break trip in history.

Marco Rubio announced he's running for president. Fun fact: Marco Rubio's wife is a former Miami Dolphins cheerleader. In other words, she knows how to generate fake enthusiasm for someone who's not going to win.

A new report says that dogs can sniff out prostate cancer with almost 98 percent accuracy. The report also finds that cats can sniff it out with 100 percent accuracy but they prefer to watch you die.

Wed, Jul 01, 2015


Late Night From 04/14

The Late Show with David Letterman
It's tax season. When I woke this morning and realized it was tax season, I said, My God, didn't we just pay taxes last year?

The 2016 presidential campaign is heating up. Can you feel the indifference, the apathy?

Hillary Clinton is running for president. This time around, she promises to be warm and approachable. Like me.

On the show last night was Masters golf champion for 2015, Jordan Spieth. He shot 18 under par to win the Masters. And I thought, Well you know, big deal, nobody ever mentions my under-par performance every night.

Jimmy Kimmel Live
Have we all decided who we're going to vote for president yet? You know you only have 574 days left to figure it out.

Hillary Clinton announced that she is running. Then she drove from New York to Iowa in a van. You can't be president of the United States unless you agree to eat a corn dog in front of a small group of farmers.

Conan O'Brien
Hillary Clinton announced she's running for president. Yesterday in Ohio, Hillary popped into a Chipotle and she ordered a burrito bowl with chips and salsa. And on her way out she said, "That locks down the Hispanic vote."

Hillary Clinton is not the first woman to run for president. That title belongs to Victoria Woodhull, who ran for president in 1872. Her running mate was a young, scrappy John McCain.

Jeb Bush welcomed his fourth grandchild. The new Bush grandchild is happy, healthy, and will be running for president in 2048.

Olive Garden has announced that it will provide tablet computers at every table. And next step is providing Italian food.

Thu, Jul 02, 2015


Late Night From 04/15

The Late Show with David Letterman
Hillary Clinton is now in Iowa. She's spending every waking minute of her day meeting ordinary people, and it's to prepare her for a job in which she will never again meet an ordinary person.

Hillary's trying to appear downhome. Earlier today she was sitting on the front porch of a general store whittling a pantsuit.

Today is tax day. A lot of people are hoping they get refunds. And that's just the folks here in the audience.

Jimmy Kimmel Live
For the next hour, would you say you are relying on me to host the show? So, in a way you are depending on me? I can claim you as dependents. It makes for a big tax refund for me.

The IRS specifically selected April 15 as tax day. They knew it was going to likely be a beautiful spring day and they wanted to ruin it for us.

A study says that traffic fatalities go up 6 percent on tax day, presumably because people are rushing to the tax office and doing their taxes while they drive. If you are just realizing it is tax day, don't worry about it. The IRS is pretty cool about this stuff.

The only fun thing about filing your tax return is getting a refund. About 80 percent of taxpayers get money back, which is a weird thing to be happy about. That means you've been overpaying all year long. It's like if someone broke into your house and the police recovered the stuff and brought it back and you said, "Oh, presents."

Conan O'Brien
Hillary Clinton is trying an entirely different approach with Iowa than the one she tried eight years ago when she lost there. She will not start speeches by saying, "Hello, Iowa, or Idaho, or whichever one you are."

It's April 15, tax day. The federal tax code is over 74,000 pages long. But stick with it because after page 72,000, it gets really good.

Governor Chris Christie says if he's president, he will crack down on the sale of marijuana. However, that was before he was told it also comes in a brownie.

Former New England Patriot Aaron Hernandez has been convicted of murder and sentenced to life in prison. His lawyer plans to appeal. He's trying to get the sentence reduced down to two seasons with the New York Jets.

Fri, Jul 03, 2015


Late Night From 04/16

Conan O'Brien
Hillary Clinton is making income inequality a central theme in her campaign. Yeah, for example, today she pointed out that her husband makes $300 million a year. She has to get by on $200 million a year, and that's not fair.

Tax day was yesterday. And marijuana growers are complaining that they can't write off a single expense thanks to federal laws. Well, apparently someone tried to claim the Phish tour as his home office and that's not going to happen.

A Wisconsin woman recently got a high school diploma at the age of 103 and says she is now considering going to college. Friends are recommending a two-year college.

A new report shows that the typical tourist in Las Vegas is a 45-year-old married person from California. That explains the new motto — what happens in Vegas probably also happens in Fresno.

The Late Show with David Letterman
Hillary Clinton is driving across Iowa in a van. It's to get to know the people she'll never, ever see again in her life.

Hillary went to a Chipotle in a tortilla pantsuit.

According to a new poll, 57 percent of the people believe Hillary Clinton will be the next president. Now 43 percent of the people in that poll believe Hillary Clinton is already president.

Sat, Jul 04, 2015


Late Night From 04/17

The Late Show with David Letterman
Supermodel Giselle Bundchen is retiring from modeling. You know why? Because she says her body told her to stop. I think that's pretty insightful. I'm retiring because EVERYBODY told me to stop.

Hillary Clinton is campaigning in Iowa, virtually going door to door to every home in Iowa. Jehovah's Witnesses finally got fed up and said, "Get lost. Get out of here!"

Hillary is in Iowa to listen to what the people are saying — because if you want her to speak, that will cost you $200,000. So she's there listening.

The Hillary team is driving around in a van. Sometimes people get those gag bumper stickers put on their van. Hillary has one on her van, and it says, "If this van's rockin', I'm deleting emails."

Sun, Jul 05, 2015


Late Night From 04/20

Jimmy Kimmel Live
The trailer for "Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice" was leaked online on Friday. To be honest, in a fight between Batman and Superman, Superman wins. In real life it would be like if Floyd Mayweather fought Bill Gates. He would kill him. Case closed.

In North Korea, real-life superhero Kim Jong Un is said to have achieved something that is literally incredible. According to their state-run media, over the weekend Kim Jong Un climbed the highest mountain in the country, which is 9,000 feet high and takes days to climb. This was reportedly no problem for a man built like Roseanne Barr.

They arrested another fence jumper at the White House last night. Why are so many people suddenly trying to jump the White House fence? Is this the new ice bucket challenge or something?

Because of all the jumpers, they are thinking of putting steel spikes on top of the fence, which is crazy. The White House fence doesn't already have spikes? Garbage dumps have spikes on the fence. There are abandoned Blockbuster video store fences that have spikes.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
An intruder was arrested at the White House last night after trying to jump the fence. Authorities aren’t releasing the fence jumper’s identity, but they did say that she tore her pantsuit.

Teenagers across the country have been participating in something called the Kylie Jenner Lips Challenge, in which they place a jar around their lips and suck in air in order to make their lips swell. While teenagers in China have been participating in “school.”

A 120-pound Texas woman set a new competitive eating record yesterday after she ate three 72-ounce steaks, three baked potatoes, three shrimp cocktails, three salads, and three dinner rolls in 20 minutes. Or as they call it in Texas, a kids meal.

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
Tomorrow President Obama will host NASCAR racing champion Kevin Harvick at the White House. They both said they look forward to spending an hour or two not having the slightest interest in what the other is saying.

Tim Tebow will officially sign a contract with the Eagles. It is pretty shocking, mainly because I didn't even know he played an instrument.

Tebow will join the football Eagles, not the musician Eagles. He is officially returning to the NFL. To celebrate, Tebow threw a huge party — which was intercepted and returned for a touchdown.

Ben & Jerry's is working with a beer company to develop a "salted caramel brownie brown ale" that will be sold later this summer. It'll mark the first time you'll actually feel great after finishing a second pint of Ben & Jerry's.

The Late Show with David Letterman
The New York Mets have won eight games in a row. Astronomers say this won't happen again for another 10,000 years.

Tim Tebow may be back in the NFL with the Philadelphia Eagles. As you remember, he was thrown out of the league when he landed his gyrocopter on the White House lawn.

The Eagles signed Tim Tebow and the general manager was immediately checked for a concussion.

Tim Tebow has been on the bench longer than Ruth Bader Ginsburg.

Mon, Jul 06, 2015


Late Night From 04/22
Part 1

Late Night With Seth Meyers
Today is Earth Day. So this year I’m finally gonna do it. I’m gonna find out what the blue trash cans are for.

The city of San Francisco announced that on January 1 tobacco of any kind will be illegal. So you’ll finally be able to say to a police officer, “No, no, this is just weed.”

Late Night From 04/21

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
There are reports that Kim Jong Un climbed North Korea's highest mountain. Kim Jong Un said all it took to climb that mountain was hard work, determination, and lying about climbing that mountain.

According to the American Customer Satisfaction Index, JetBlue had the best customer service last year out of all the major airlines. But bring five bucks if you want a pillow. And that’s the best customer service right there. If you want a pillow, it’s five dollars.

BMW’s new Deluxe 7 Series will allow drivers to simply press a button on their key fob to make the car park itself. And because it's an expensive BMW it'll park itself across two spaces.

Jimmy Kimmel Live
A rare and beautiful thing was seen today — a quadruple rainbow. That's four rainbows. They were seen by all seven of the people who looked up from their phones today.

"Sex Box" has been canceled after only five episodes. When I was growing up, we didn't have a TV show called "Sex Box." All we had was "The Love Boat."

Late Night With Seth Meyers
A company has come out with a line of medical marijuana dog treats. Finally a medicine that will help my dog lie on the couch all day.

A new species of frog discovered in Costa Rica looks exactly like Kermit the Frog. It has the same color green. It has the same eyes. And there's even a man's arm up its butt.

The CDC is advising that Ebola survivors should abstain from sex. And if you're having trouble abstaining from sex, a little trick you could use is telling people you had Ebola.

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
Today is Earth Day. Environmentalists spent the day drawing attention to the Earth, while the Earth just spent the day checking Facebook to see which planets wished it a happy Earth Day.

Shouldn't every day be Earth Day? I mean, what are our options?

Marco Rubio's presidential campaign has raised $40 million in the last week. When he heard that, Rubio said, “Hey, any chance I can drop out of the race and just keep the 40 million?”

This week, Dr. Oz will respond to critics who believe he should not be giving medical advice on his show. People will be watching his response closely — especially Dr. Phil.

The Late Show with David Letterman
Today is Earth Day. The way I see it, as humans the very least we can do is recycle. A lot of recycling is going on this year. For example, Bushes and Clintons.

New Yorkers, each one on average, create 15 pounds of garbage every week. Of course, that goes up if you're disposing of a body.

Recently a guy was having trouble with his computer. So he unplugs it, takes it out in the alley, pulls out a gun, and shoots it eight times. Coincidentally, that's how Hillary got rid of her emails.

Jeb Bush has to distance himself from what they call the Bush brand. So he keeps saying, "I am my own man." But when Governor Chris Christie is out on the campaign trail, he's always saying, "I'm my own man, plus another guy."

Jimmy Kimmel Live
It is Earth Day. I bet the Earth got so many messages.

The first Earth Day took place in 1970. At the rate we are going, the last one should be soon.

Manny Pacquiao is on the show tonight. On May 7, Manny faces Floyd Mayweather in one of the most anticipated bouts ever. He is from the Philippines and a national hero. I wonder if anyone in the Philippines is rooting for Mayweather. Probably one jerk who nobody likes.

We also have Dr. Phil tonight. Dr. Phil once said that no matter how flat you make a pancake, it's still got two sides. So not only does Dr. Phil understand the human condition, he understands breakfast too.

Tue, Jul 07, 2015


Late Night From 04/23

Jimmy Kimmel Live
Today is Take Our Daughters and Sons to Work Day, also known as No Work Gets Done Day. It is a great opportunity to teach your kids why you come home miserable every night.

I wonder if anyone has ever been fired on "take your kid to work day." Just imagine, "Ron, will you and your daughter step into my office please?" That would be a lesson about what it is like to work.

Everybody seems to think they're safe from earthquakes if they don't live in California. According to the Seismological Society of America, half of Americans are threatened by earthquakes. We just celebrated Earth Day and now it wants to kill us.

If you have never been through an earthquake, I think the worst thing is not that it is happening. It's that when it starts you don't know how long it will go or how bad it will be. It's like a celebrity marriage.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
Arnold Schwarzenegger has a new movie that focuses on a zombie apocalypse. It takes place in an empty wasteland with no living beings. Just like the movie theater where it's playing.

Doctors in India have removed 140 coins, 150 needles, and several nuts, bolts, and batteries from the stomach of a man suffering from abdominal pain. Someone should give that guy a medal. Actually, you know what? Don't give him a medal.

Students at a Catholic girls school in England are reportedly being taught that sex outside of marriage can destroy your soul and make your body sick. While sex inside of marriage just destroys your soul.

Chinese scientists have edited the DNA of human embryos for the first time, sparking concerns that it could lead to designer children. So, now even people are made in China.

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
At the White House yesterday, a little girl actually asked first lady Michelle Obama how old she is. Michelle answered, "Old enough to put you on the No Fly List, sweetheart.”

It’s being reported that Google spent over $5 million on lobbying just during the first quarter of this year. You’d think Google wouldn't really need to lobby politicians. All they have to say is, “We have your search history. Do what we tell you.”

New York Mayor Bill de Blasio has been positioning himself to challenge Hillary Clinton for the Democratic nomination. Hillary once developed a program to deliver rural healthcare, while de Blasio once dropped a groundhog on its head.

I read that many minor league baseball players have been caught using steroids over the past few years. But apparently, not ENOUGH steroids.

The Late Show with David Letterman
Baseball slugger Barry Bonds has been cleared of all charges. He was involved in performance-enhancing drugs. The guy tested positive for more things than a pint of Blue Bell ice cream.

At the White House, they caught another fence jumper earlier today. It was Obama trying to get out.

The White House should just get one of those doormats that reads "Go away!" That's what they need to stop the fence jumpers.

The Late Late Show with James Corden
Today is "Take Our Daughters and Sons to Work Day." Or as Woody Allen calls it, "Take Your Wife to Work Day."

I did not take my children to work because my oldest is 4 years old, and frankly he is already far too mature to be hanging around this office.

Wed, Jul 08, 2015


Late Night From 04/24

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
The royal baby is expected to arrive sometime this weekend, and some people are actually camping outside the hospital in hopes of seeing it. So if you want to be the first to find out what the royal baby looks like, just look at a photo of any baby.

According to a survey from the Physical Activity Council, Americans are the least active they’ve been since 2007. Some say it's because there's more technology, while others say it's because winter now lasts 11 months a year. It's snowing here a week before May.

That's right, Americans are more inactive than ever. To which Netflix said, "You're welcome."

Miami Dolphins lineman A.J. Francis just tweeted that he has signed up to be an Uber driver during the offseason. But since he's with the Dolphins he can only drive 15 yards before he has to punt.

The Late Show with David Letterman
Mayor de Blasio wants to eliminate garbage. He believes New York City produces way too much garbage. Well, heck, forget about producing too much garbage. What about late-night talk shows?

Anybody go to the Olive Garden? They offer a hot meal at a fair price, which is all I'm ever looking for. Every table at the Olive Garden now has a computer. It's the perfect way for a family of four to ignore one another.

And while you're there on the Olive Garden computer, you can get on the Internet and look up a better restaurant.

They're talking about putting a woman on the $20 bill. And Hillary said, "I'm available."

Hillary is just a regular person, just like you and me. Her assistant puts on Hillary's pants one leg at a time.

Thu, Jul 09, 2015


Late Night From 04/27

The Late Late Show with James Corden
It's official. I genuinely cannot keep up with the Kardashians.

In an interview with Diane Sawyer, Bruce Jenner made it known that he would like to be identified as a woman. I was watching it with my wife, and she turned to me and said that watching this had given her hope that one day I might fully transition into becoming a man.

Jimmy Kimmel Live
I watched Diane Sawyer's interview with Bruce Jenner on Friday night. I think he came off very well. He went from being a boring man to a very charming woman. We might have found our next "Bachelorette."

The most shocking part of the interview for me was when Bruce Jenner said there was only one full-length mirror in the Kardashian house.

Jenner also identified himself as a conservative Republican. He said he believes that John Boehner and Mitch McConnell will support him and advocate for transgender issues. Yeah, of course they will. They're probably having the buttons printed as we speak.

It turns out after all of these years that instead of the Kardashians we should have been keeping up with Bruce.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
Dr. Oz defended himself from critics last week by saying that his television program is not a medical show. It’s just that he didn’t think anyone would watch a show called “Mr. Oz.”

There’s a new dating app that pairs attractive females with generous males who will fly them to foreign countries for first dates. If you’d like to know more, tune in to next week’s "Dateline."

A new survey has found that people in Ireland tell an average of four white lies per day. And three of them are, “I’m fine to drive home.”

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
In a two-hour interview last Friday, Bruce Jenner told ABC's Diane Sawyer, “For all intents and purposes, I'm a woman.” At which point, Joe Biden ran in and started giving Bruce a shoulder rub.

Bruce Jenner declared he is a woman and a Republican. In other words, the GOP finally found someone who might be able to beat Hillary.

Many believe that Hillary Clinton was channeling President Obama during her recent speech in New York City. She focused on equality, justice, and how hard it was for her growing up as a young black man in Hawaii.

Conan O'Brien
The big story is Bruce Jenner. In last week's interview, Jenner said he's a woman who is transitioning his body from male to female, and he's also a conservative Republican. Bruce said he looks forward to bashing Obamacare as soon as he finishes using it.

The NBA playoffs are underway. Or as the Lakers call it, time to golf.

A U.N. study claims the happiest country in the world is Switzerland. When asked why they're so happy, Swiss people couldn't answer because their hands were counting money and their mouths were full of chocolate.

The Late Show with David Letterman
I have only a few weeks left here on the show. So I was thinking that I had better hurry up and use my sick days.

Mayor de Blasio said that whenever he goes to a Yankee game he gets sick and tired of people booing and giving him the finger. Hey, what do you want? You're the mayor of New York City. It comes with the gig, pal.

Donald Trump may be running for president. He said he is sick and tired of the rest of the world laughing at the United States. Well, President Trump will certainly put an end to that.

Fri, Jul 10, 2015


Late Night From 04/28

The Late Late Show with James Corden
There are rumors that Leonardo DiCaprio is now on Tinder. Leo, buddy, please give the rest of humanity a fighting chance. There should be a ban on handsome movie stars on Tinder. Tinder's not for you. Tinder's for me.

Nicki Minaj made a 13-year-old boy's dream come true when she performed at his bar mitzvah over the weekend. I'm a grown man with my own TV show and I can't get her to perform.

How many people were at that bar mitzvah — 300? Nicki, we have almost double that watching this show right now. Think about what this could do for your career.

Imagine being the kid at that school who's having the next bar mitzvah. How do you compete with that? His friends will say, "What, you're having a magician? He'd better reach into his hat and pull out Beyoncé."

Late Night With Seth Meyers
Hillary Clinton has temporarily changed her campaign logo to rainbow colors in support of marriage equality. Of course, her idea of marriage equality is both of you should get to be president.

While covering the earthquake in Nepal this week, CNN correspondent Sanjay Gupta helped medical personnel perform brain surgery. Gupta said he was excited to work with brains again after being at CNN for so long.

Scientists have discovered that Tyrannosaurus Rex may have had a vegetarian cousin. Man, it must suck to have a vegetarian in the family when your arms are too short to cover your ears.

Starbucks has a new S'mores Frappuccino, which became available today. It's perfect for those people looking to gain s'more weight.

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
Hillary Clinton wrote an Op-Ed for a paper in Iowa about her plans to help the middle class. Middle-class Americans said, “Why didn't you just say that in a speech?” and she said, “Because I charge $200,000 for a speech.”

During a recent press conference, former President Jimmy Carter said he could never run for president today because he doesn’t have a lot of money. Well, that and the fact that he's the famously bad president Jimmy Carter.

Blackberry is being criticized after it misspelled the word “won” in an ad celebrating a design award. Instead of w-o-n they put o-n-e. Blackberry apologized for the spelling mistake and promised the person responsible has been fried.

The new Apple Watch officially launched today. There's a new trend — people cutting actual apples and strapping them to their wrists in celebration of the Apple Watch. And if you shop at Whole Foods, it actually ends up costing as much as the real thing.

Conan O'Brien
Due to civil unrest in Baltimore, tomorrow's game between the Orioles and the White Sox will be played to an empty stadium. When asked for comments, players on the Milwaukee Brewers said, "You get used to it."

A new study reveals that one-third of babies in the U.S. have used a smartphone. Yeah, and one-third of babies in China have MADE a smartphone.

Prince William's pregnant wife, Kate Middleton, is past her due date. Doctors may have to induce labor. To speed up the birth, doctors have been telling the baby, "Come on out. You will never have to work a day in your life."

Bruce Jenner will be getting his own reality show. Unfortunately, as a woman Jenner will be making only 70 percent of what he made on his last reality show.

The Late Show with David Letterman
To save energy, New York City is now dimming the lights of the skyscrapers and the skyline at night. There's a bad side to this. If you need Batman, you have to text him.

The Tony Awards were announced. Nominees included "You Can't Take It With You," "The King and I," and "On the Town." I'm telling you, it's been a great year for Broadway. Unfortunately, the year is 1944.

Once again, "The Late Show" was nominated for a Tony Award. Yes, in the category "Biggest waste of a Broadway theater."

Sat, Jul 11, 2015


Late Night From 04/29

The Late Show with David Letterman
It's a beautiful day in New York City. It's sunny and 73, like me.

I went to Central Park for lunch. Guess what I saw? A coyote playing Frisbee.

In Baltimore today, the Orioles and the Chicago White Sox played a baseball game. Nobody was allowed in the ballpark. It was eerily quiet. The players had to heckle themselves.

Even though no one was allowed inside the Orioles ballpark, parking was still a problem.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
Hillary Clinton gave a speech at Columbia University this afternoon. She ended it the way Clintons always end their speeches, by saying, “That’ll be $200,000.”

It was such a nice day today that President Obama left the White House and went for a walk around the neighborhood. Even more amazing, THIS is the first the Secret Service is hearing about it.

A company is working on a new selfie stick shaped like a human arm so users won’t look like they’re alone in pictures. Instead you’ll just look like a completely normal person who’s carrying around a human arm.

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders is expected to announce tomorrow that he is running for president, making him Hillary Clinton’s only Democratic challenger so far. Or as Hillary put it, "Oooo, appetizers!"

There is a new reality show on CBS where a family must decide whether to keep $100,000 in a briefcase or give it away to another family. The show's called, “We'll Keep the Briefcase.” It's the first 10-second-long show in history.

A 91-year-old woman in the U.K. recently got engaged to her 102-year-old boyfriend, which would make them the oldest newlyweds in the world. They're really happy and said they can’t wait to spend the rest of their week together.

Conan O'Brien
In Baltimore, the Orioles and the Chicago White Sox played a game today in a completely empty stadium. It was the first major sporting event to be played in an empty stadium, unless you count every professional soccer game in America.

Tomorrow is the start of the NFL draft. This year it will be simulcast on ESPN and Court TV.

A new presidential poll reveals that Democrats have the edge among voters under 30. The good news for Republicans is that there's only six people under 30 who actually vote.

Ford has recalled almost 600,000 vehicles for steering problems. Owners are being told to bring their cars in as close to the dealership as they can get it.

Sun, Jul 12, 2015


Late Night From 04/30

The Late Late Show with James Corden
A family cleaning out their grandparents' attic in Florida found a wooden box containing a mummified pirate's hand on a map with gold coins. It really kills the romanticism of the whole pirate thing for me, when the treasure isn't under an "X" on the beach, but in the attic of a two-story condo in Florida.

A treasure chest full of gold pirate coins may be cool, but do you know what I have in my attic? Family heirlooms and pictures of all my loved ones — and isn't that the real treasure? No, no it isn't. The real treasure is a treasure chest full of gold pirate coins.

Jimmy Kimmel Live
Saturday in Las Vegas is Floyd Mayweather vs. Manny Pacquiao. They estimate that the fight will be seen by more people than any fight in history that did not take place between Jay-Z and his sister-in-law in an elevator.

No matter who wins, both fighters will walk away with a large chunk of money. They agreed to split the purse 60/40. Mayweather could make $180 million. You would think for that much he could pay somebody to fight for him.

The World Cup is three years away and the Russian government is asking people to come up with ideas for a cute mascot to put on merchandise. Why would a Russian mascot be anything other than a bottle of vodka? A little bottle of vodka that plays soccer.

Kim Kardashian is here tonight because she has a new book out. It's called "Selfish." It is 400 pages of pictures she took of herself. You know how you can't judge a book by its cover? This one you can.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
Saturday is as big a sports day as you can have, with the Mayweather-Pacquiao fight, Kentucky Derby, NBA and NHL playoffs, and the NFL draft. This according to a group of bummed-out dads at a toddler's birthday party.

The NFL draft runs from tonight through Saturday. So tune in and watch a young millionaire pretend to be excited about moving to Tampa.

Bruce Jenner will reportedly make a return to motivational speaking. And it's going to be a little tougher, because now he's only going to make 77 cents on the dollar.

Starbucks will now offer cookie straws. And they come in a variety of flavors, like type 1 and type 2.

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
Floyd Mayweather said he will make around $200 million for his fight on Saturday against Manny Pacquiao. Meanwhile, the horse that wins the Kentucky Derby will get an extra carrot.

Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen attended a fundraiser for Hillary Clinton in New York City this week. Hillary told them, “Good luck with the reboot of your '90s show.” And they said, “Thanks. Good luck with yours.”

“Furious 7” just became the highest grossing movie of all time in China. Of course in China, “Furious 7” is about seven dads who just found out their kids aren't going to medical school.

The NFL recently agreed to give up its tax-exempt status. It sounds like a big change, but on the bright side, the Philadelphia Eagles can still write off Tim Tebow's salary as a charitable donation.

Conan O'Brien
Ford just recalled almost 1 million cars for steering problems and because the doors fly open. This explains Chevrolet's new slogan: "Ford just recalled almost 1 million cars for steering problems and because the doors fly open."

North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un reportedly has had 15 of his top officials executed. So the lesson here is when Kim Jong Un comes to work with a new haircut, you tell him, "Looking good, Un."

In Oregon, a number of brewers are competing to turn sewer water into beer. The brewer said, "Hey, if Bud Light can do it, we can do it."

The Late Show with David Letterman
Our guest tonight is Michelle Obama, first lady of the United States. She's here to announce her run for president.

This will be Michelle Obama's last opportunity to try to get me to eat kale.

The issue of gay marriage has reached the Supreme Court and observers are analyzing every detail to predict how each justice will vote. Experts say Chief Justice John Roberts is likely to rule in favor of gay marriage based on the fact that he spent Tuesday's hearings watching the Tony Award nominations.

Mon, Jul 13, 2015


Late Night From 05/03

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
Of course, tomorrow is the 141st running of the Kentucky Derby! Yeah, it's that special time of year when people use a two-minute event as an excuse to drink for 12 hours.

The Kentucky Derby is a race that lets rich people throw money at a bunch of weird sounding names — which is another way of describing the presidential race so far. Do I want to bet on Jeb? Rand?

Churchill Downs, which hosts the Kentucky Derby, has banned the use of selfie sticks this year. Officials say that if you want to block someone’s view of the race, just do what everyone else does and wear an insanely giant hat.

And as you might expect, there's been a lot of trash-talking leading up to the Mayweather-Pacquiao fight. In fact, in a recent interview, Pacquiao's trainer Freddie Roach said that he thinks Mayweather may not even show up. When asked why, Roach said, “He only clicked 'Maybe' on the Facebook invite.”

The Late Show with David Letterman
Donald Trump is talking about running for president. He hasn't made an announcement, but I want to tell you something. The fake suspense is killing me.

I can hardly wait until Donald Trump announces his celebrity cabinet.

Tomorrow is the Kentucky Derby. Did you fill out your brackets?

The thing about the Kentucky Derby is that it's usually won by the horse from Kenya.

Tue, Jul 14, 2015


Late Night From 05/04

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
On Saturday, Floyd Mayweather beat Manny Pacquiao to keep his undefeated record. That's actually something I have in common with Floyd Mayweather. Neither of us has ever lost a boxing match.

Actually, a lot of people were complaining about the fight, because they thought it was boring and failed to live up to the hype. Fans were hoping for the “Fight of the Century,” but got something slightly less dramatic than a fight on the “Real Housewives.”

Today Carly Fiorina announced that she is running for president. Someone else bought “” and posted 30,000 sad emoticons to represent all the people she laid off at Hewlett-Packard. I haven't seen that many sad, blank faces in one place since the Mayweather-Pacquiao fight.

Congrats to Prince William and Kate Middleton, who welcomed a baby girl on Saturday. The royal baby weighed eight pounds — or around 12 American dollars.

Conan O'Brien
I had an amazing weekend. First I caught up on some sleep by watching the Mayweather-Pacquiao fight.

Back home in the Philippines, Manny Pacquiao is a congressman — which may explain why he didn't do much of anything the other night.

I would have definitely paid $100 to watch someone beat up my congressman.

A Florida man is suing a hospital for throwing his right leg away after it was amputated. The hospital says they're not worried about the lawsuit because the man does not have a leg to stand on.

The Late Late Show with James Corden
It was a huge weekend for sports. And of course the event everybody was talking about was the Mayweather-Pacquiao fight. I mean, we're calling it a fight. To me, it seemed more like a couple of guys having a cuddle every now and then.

You know you're not in for a vintage fight when at the end of every round, Mayweather goes back to his corner and says, "What is that guy's problem? He keeps trying to hit me in the face.”

I'll tell you what the problem was. It was the ref. Every time they started to box, he would say, "Whoa, guys, I'm sensing some tension here. Calm down. Someone might get hurt. All right, come on now, hug it out.”

Jimmy Kimmel Live
I was in Las Vegas for the Floyd Mayweather versus Manny Pacquiao fight. Manny was on the show recently and I asked if I could be his Justin Bieber. Bieber always walks in the ring with Floyd Mayweather. But Manny doesn't have a sexy teen idol in his camp so I offered myself.

Manny Pacquiao is a congressman in the Philippines. It must be weird to see one of their congressmen fight on TV. I wish our congressmen would do that. I'd pay $100 to see John Boehner fight somebody.

Tom Brady went to the Kentucky Derby in the afternoon and to the fight in Vegas that night. Even Tom Brady and Gisele need a break from time to time. That should make us feel good about ourselves.

Despite the fact that the fight was on Saturday night, the new movie "Avengers: Age of Ultron" made $191 million over the weekend. By the way, Floyd Mayweather made $200 million — more than the movie, and he doesn't have to split it with Iron Man and The Hulk.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
Did anybody watch the big fight this weekend? I mean, besides the two boxers?

The fight had so much clinching. If those guys had been hugged that much as children, they wouldn’t have grown up to be boxers.

Wed, Jul 15, 2015


Late Night From 05/05

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
Everyone’s celebrating Cinco de Mayo. In fact, earlier I saw Floyd Mayweather and Manny Pacquiao pretending to hit a piñata.

Today is Cinco de Mayo. Although if you're really excited by that, the chances of you being at home watching "The Tonight Show" right now are pretty slim.

Bernie Sanders’ presidential campaign announced that it raised over $1.5 million in the 24 hours after he announced his bid. Meanwhile, a 12-year-old on Kickstarter just raised $7 million in five minutes after announcing his idea for juice box water guns.

I read that as marijuana legalization becomes more popular, it could affect the jobs of drug-sniffing dogs. Or as those dogs put it, “Thanks, Bo Obama.”

Conan O'Brien
The 89-year-old queen of England met her new great-granddaughter for the first time. Both cried a little, burped, and then fell asleep.

In New Hampshire, a 95-year-old World War II veteran successfully defended himself against a mugger by hitting him with his cane. The veteran will now face Floyd Mayweather next Saturday on pay-per-view.

Yesterday Chris Brown was accused of assaulting a man in Las Vegas. Boxing fans are glad that at least somebody got punched in Las Vegas this week.

Kim Kardashian was at a Barnes & Noble in New York signing copies of her new book of selfies. Extra security was on hand in case any real books tried to get too close to Kim Kardashian.

The Late Show with David Letterman
Happy Cinco de Mayo. In honor of Cinco de Mayo, mayor Bill de Blasio is filling all New York City potholes with guacamole.

Cinco de Mayo is a holiday for all of the people that we're trying to keep out.

Kim Kardashian has published a book of photographs that she has taken of herself. This solves the problem of the Kim Kardashian photo shortage.

The Late Late Show with James Corden
Happy Cinco de Mayo. Today is the day Americans celebrate Mexicans beating the French in the Battle of Puebla by getting blind drunk, listening to mariachi music, and then vomiting in a cab. Or as we call it in Britain — Tuesday.

I just moved to the states and I've learned that Cinco de Mayo is just a reason to drink. Until now I thought Americans had to fall back on St. Patrick's Day, the Fourth of July, Fat Tuesday, Halloween, Hanukkah, Memorial Day, Labor Day, Columbus Day, President's Day, any sporting event, any barbecue, Thanksgiving, or Christmas if they needed an excuse to get drunk on a weekday.

The Internet has spoken and it said that girls love "dad bods." But the examples they used for dad bods were Jon Hamm and Leonardo DiCaprio. OK, one, they don't have kids so they aren't dads. Two, they are among the most handsome men the world has to offer. That article shouldn't read "Girls love dad bods." It should read, "Girls love millionaire movie stars."

Somehow, millionaire movie stars have always gotten women to find them attractive. If you're a millionaire movie star I don't think you'll ever hear, "I'd like you a lot more if you had your dad's body."

Late Night With Seth Meyers
Today is Cinco de Mayo. Interesting fact: Cinco de Mayo is celebrated on the fifth of May because most white people can only count to five in Spanish.

In an episode of "The Price is Right" this week, a contestant in a wheelchair was awarded a treadmill. Well, the show isn’t called "The PRIZE is Right."

According to Forbes, the wealthiest rappers of 2015 are Diddy, Dr. Dre, and Jay Z. While the least wealthy rapper is Li’l Gambling Problem.

A Brooklyn man has become an overnight celebrity for his uncanny resemblance to Vincent Van Gogh. Said the man, "What?"

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