Jokes of the day

3226 - 3250


Wed, May 27, 2015


Late Night From 02/20/15

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
Sunday is the 87th annual Academy Awards. It's the time of year when all the biggest movie stars get together and try to piece together what happened after they blacked out at the Golden Globes.

I heard that this year’s Oscar nominee gift bags are each worth over $167,000 and include items like free luxury car rentals and a stay at a five-star hotel in Tuscany. As opposed to the Emmys, where we get an AOL CD and two loose Twizzlers.

President Obama is giving fourth graders and their families free admission to parks for a year. You can tell kids don't get outside enough, because the last time they saw a sunset they said, “Hey, there’s that thing I saw on Instagram.”

This week Wal-Mart announced that it will increase its employees' hourly wages by 40 percent. Workers are pretty excited because they'll finally make enough money to shop at Target.

The Late Show with David Letterman
It's Fashion Week in New York City and the cold was playing havoc earlier today. It got so cold that a supermodel actually snapped in half.

Alex Rodriguez will be back with the New York Yankees after being suspended for a season. He wrote the fans of the Yankees an apology. We're still waiting on one from the Knicks.

The FCC has delayed the decision on the Time/Warner Comcast merger. So how do you think those folks like being put on hold?

Kim Jong Un shaved his eyebrows and got his hair sticking right up. How would you like the leader of your country looking like Lady Gaga? Even Dennis Rodman told him he looks weird.

The Academy Awards are passed out on Sunday. It's voted by members of the Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences. Or as I call them, 50 shades of white.

Thu, May 28, 2015


Late Night From 02/23

Jimmy Kimmel Live
All I could think of all day yesterday while watching all of the Oscar-related shows was how much I miss football.

I don't want to say the Oscars ran long but the kid from "Boyhood" just moved into a senior living facility.

There really weren't any Oscar surprises last night. The only real surprise of the night was Lady Gaga wore a regular dress. They should have had Julie Andrews come out covered in lunch meat or something.

The Oscar telecast went smoothly. It helped that Bradley Cooper was in the balcony with a rifle in case any of the speeches went on too long.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
How many of you watched the Oscars last night? And how many of you are still watching it?

I don't want to say the Oscars ran long, but the best picture Oscar was awarded on "Good Morning America."

The ratings for last night's Academy Awards hit a six-year low. So few people saw the Oscars that it's been nominated for an Oscar.

A woman in Mexico was arrested at a movie theater this weekend during "Fifty Shades of Grey." She was sad about being arrested, but really psyched about being handcuffed.

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
I'm your host, Jimmy Fallon. I would say we've got a great show tonight, but instead I put all my predictions in a briefcase that we'll open at the end of the show.

At the Academy Awards last night, “Birdman” won for best picture even though many expected “Boyhood” to win. I guess voters felt like if they wanted to see people age 12 years, they could just watch last night's Oscars.

Last night was the 87th annual Academy Awards. All the big designers were on display. Emma Stone's dress was designed by Elie Saab, Scarlett Johansson was done by Versace, and John Travolta was designed by Madame Tussaud.

A theater in Colorado accidentally played “Fifty Shades of Grey” instead of “The SpongeBob Movie” to a theater filled with children. Which explains its new name: SpongeBob NoPants.

Conan O'Brien
This will be a four-hour show, ladies and gentlemen. We're following the Oscar pattern.

During her Oscar acceptance speech, Patricia Arquette called for equal pay for women. Then Oprah stood up and said, "She's right, I can't live like this. I can't take another second of this living hell."

"Interstellar" won the Oscar for best visual effects. They made it look like Matthew McConaughey understood physics.

During his acceptance speech, the winner for best supporting actor, J.K. Simmons, told everyone to call their parents. I tried to call my parents but they were at the movies watching "50 Shades of Grey."

The Late Show with David Letterman
Thank you very much for being here. We're going to zip right through the show. We'll get you out of here in time for the rest of the Academy Awards.

The Academy Awards is an annual event that swallows all time and matter.

I thought Meryl Streep did a great job as Neil Patrick Harris.

"50 Shades of Grey" has already made $400 million. But to be honest, that money's tied up.

Fri, May 29, 2015


Late Night From 02/24

Jimmy Kimmel Live
Alaska today officially legalized marijuana for recreational use. I think they did this years ago. That's how the Palin kids ended up with those names, right?

Alaska does have some special rules. You're not allowed to smoke marijuana in public, and you have to follow special disposal rules. You can't just throw a joint in the trash. The last thing you want is a grizzly with the munchies.

We have a brand new crop of dancing stars. Rumer Willis is one of the stars this season. You may know her from such work as her father being Bruce Willis.

"Dancing With the Stars" will be announcing one more surprise contestant before the season starts. I happen to know who it is. It's actually Pope Francis. He's really loosening things up at the Vatican.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
New research shows marijuana is by far the least dangerous recreational drug. Studies have shown again and again that it leads to virtually no recreation. That's how safe it is.

A new CBS News poll shows Chris Christie is ranked ninth out of all Republican presidential candidates. He's just behind Bobby Jindal and just ahead of a gun wearing a cowboy hat.

Boston's city council is considering increasing its alcohol tax. The plan would raise an estimated $900 million billion trillion.

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
The White House announced that many Obamacare customers got the wrong tax information and may have to refile their taxes this year. It's pretty inconvenient — mainly just remembering what you lied about the first time you filed your taxes.

New Defense Secretary Ashton Carter said that he is open to letting transgender people serve in the military. He said there’s no reason to prevent people from being generals just because of their privates.

Admission to Disney World now costs $105. Disney said that after giving it much thought and looking at the economics of it all, parents won't have a choice anyway. There’s only one Disney World.

The country continues to deal with brutal weather. A group of teenagers in Colorado surprised their neighbors by shoveling 50 driveways and walkways for free. They didn't mean to. They were just too stoned to remember which house was theirs.

Conan O'Brien
Nicolas Cage is going to be starring in a film based on Edward Snowden. Cage said he's perfect for the role because he knows what it's like to go into hiding after doing something people don't like.

The new James Bond movie in production features the oldest ever Bond girl. Which explains why he spent a lot of the movie repeating, "I SAID BOND. JAMES BOND!"

Jay-Z and Beyoncé are renting a house in Los Angeles for $150,000 per month. The house was renting for $2,000 a month until the landlord got a rental application from Jay-Z and Beyoncé.

The Late Show with David Letterman
It's cold in New York City. It's so cold that Oscar host Neil Patrick Harris is wearing long underpants.

For the fifth year in a row the Academy Award for best animated short went to Tom Cruise.

Alex Rodriguez reported to spring training with the Yankees two days early. He's ready to play ball. Here's his schedule — tomorrow a urine test. Next day, he's suspended for a year.

Alex Rodriguez showed up two days early. There was nothing to do so his lawyers took batting practice.

Sat, May 30, 2015


Late Night From 02/25

Jimmy Kimmel Live
According to a new poll, the value of baby teeth is skyrocketing, up 25 percent from last year. In the U.S., the tooth fairy left a total of $255 million last year. The Vikings believed that children's teeth had magic powers that would help them fight in battles. This explains why there are no more Vikings.

When you think about it, the tooth fairy is definitely the creepiest lie we tell our kids, right?

On May 2, Las Vegas will host the fight of the decade, Floyd Mayweather versus Manny Pacquiao. It's a long time coming. Tickets are expected to start at $1,000 for the worst seat. It's estimated a child would have to lose around 230 baby teeth to afford a ticket to this fight.

I'm glad to see Manny and Floyd are finally putting aside their differences to fight.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
John Boehner said yesterday that President Obama's veto of the Keystone XL pipeline was a "national embarrassment." And then, out of habit, Joe Biden said, “Here!”

A study has found that the most popular type of business in New Jersey is golf equipment stores. Though most customers come in and say, "I need a blunt object and a bag about as big as a guy."

Jamaica has officially decriminalized the possession of small amounts of marijuana for personal use. Which would be great news if anyone in Jamaica had small amounts of marijuana.

A student at Philadelphia University has created a Batman costume that can withstand punches, machetes, and baseball bats. In fact, the only thing it can’t withstand is his father’s disappointment.

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
President Obama vetoed the Keystone pipeline yesterday. Everyone expected him to do that, but Republicans say he vetoed the bill only because their party was in favor of it, while Obama said, “That’s what you guys have been doing for how many years?"

Veterans Affairs Secretary Robert McDonald got in some hot water this week for saying that he served in the military's Special Forces when he never did. It gets even worse when you find out the place he actually served was Old Navy.

Waffle House is partnering with a mail delivery service app so customers can pick up their packages at the restaurant. So if you're someone who is interested in getting packages delivered to a nearby Waffle House, congrats on being the sketchiest person on earth.

A new study found that smoking weed is 114 times less harmful for people than drinking alcohol. And if you want to learn more, you can ask people waiting for their deliveries at Waffle House.

Conan O'Brien
Some people are saying Bill O'Reilly exaggerated his war experience in the 1980s. People became suspicious because O'Reilly said he was injured in the East Coast/West Coast rap wars.

Disneyland just raised its ticket prices to $99 a day for kids over 10. However, kids with measles still get in free.

A new study suggests dishwashers may increase a child's risk of developing allergies. So the message is clear: Stop washing your kids in the dishwasher!

A new study claims muscular men make the worst boyfriends. Come to think of it, I was kind of a jerk back in the day.

The Late Show with David Letterman
It's so cold in New York City today, the No. 1 movie is "50 Shades of Grey Flannel."

Guess who's turning 21 today? Justin Bieber. He's turning 21, so now he can finally drink.

If you're thinking of getting something for Justin Bieber's birthday, you can't go wrong with bail money.

Pitcher CC Sabathia is in the Yankees spring training camp at 305 pounds. He says he feels better at 305 than he does at 290. Yeah, try that one on your doctor.

Sun, May 31, 2015


Late Night From 02/26

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
As of midnight last night, marijuana is officially legal in our nation’s capital. Or as President Obama put it, “Clear some space, Michelle. Barry's getting his OWN garden!”

Hillary Clinton is receiving criticism after telling a crowd to “unlock their full potential,” because that line is commonly used by another possible candidate, Carly Fiorina. People said, “You can’t just steal someone’s slogan like that!” And Hillary said, “Yes we can!”

Lady Gaga will become a series regular in the FX series “American Horror Story.” The new season is going to be called "American Horror Story: Hotel.” Or as most people call that, staying at a Red Roof Inn.

Jimmy Kimmel Live
Donald Trump says that he is more serious than ever about running for president in 2016. He hasn't spelled out his platform yet. But he has spell the out the word "Trump" on his platform.

I'd vote for Donald Trump just to find out how he and Melania would redecorate the White House.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
President Obama's former press secretary, Jay Carney, will reportedly become a senior vice president at Amazon. Carney says he's excited to work for someone who doesn't take six years to deliver.

The Kardashian family has signed a deal keeping them on the air for four more years and paying them $100 million. So let that be a lesson. If you really work hard and apply yourself, you are wasting your time.

Police in Florida are searching for someone who stole 360,000 nickels during a house party. Police believe the suspect is almost to the end of the street.

Mon, Jun 01, 2015


Late Night From 03/27

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
There's this picture of a dress that someone took, and people online are fighting over what color it is. Some people say it's black and blue. Some say it's white and gold. I think someone should ask Obama, our country's first gold president.

After the FCC issued the net neutrality rules yesterday, President Obama posted a thank you letter online addressed to the millions of people who helped support the change. He finished with a heartfelt plea, "Could someone please tell me what net neutrality is?"

In New Jersey, Chris Christie joked that he gave up The New York Times for lent. But then his priest told him he had to give up something he'd actually miss.

KFC has teamed up with scientists in the U.K. to create edible coffee cups made with cookies and wrapped in sugar. It's perfect if you've ever wanted to wake up and give up at the same time.

Tue, Jun 02, 2015


Late Night From 03/02

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
This weekend the Conservative Political Action Conference, CPAC, featured several speakers including Sarah Palin and Phil Robertson from “Duck Dynasty.” It was a good weekend for conservatives — and a great weekend for wild animals.

During the CPAC conference, Rand Paul told the crowd it was time for a new president and that people need to help make the change. Of course, most people agreed with him, since that’s how term limits work.

RNC chairman Reince Priebus criticized Joe Biden, saying that he can't control his mouth. That's kind of like someone trying to say the name "Reince Priebus," which sounds like a drunk person trying to say "rented Prius."

Kanye West revealed on Twitter that his upcoming album will be named “So Help Me God.” Or as Kanye calls it, “Self-help.”

Conan O'Brien
Yesterday Justin Bieber turned 21 years old. Justin started celebrating on Saturday — five years ago.

Over the weekend a fire broke out at Disneyland. Witnesses say the fire spread like measles at Disneyland.

UFC champ Ronda Rousey beat her opponent in 14 seconds. A former NFL player said if he had eight weeks to train he could beat Rousey in a fight. When they heard that, the NFL said, "Uh, not helping."

Leonard Nimoy passed away. Sad news. To honor Nimoy, Canadians have been sketching Spock's eyebrows, hair, and ears. As a result, Canadians will now be called Canerdians.

Leonard Nimoy passed away. Sad news. To honor Nimoy, Canadians have been sketching Spock's eyebrows, hair, and ears. As a result, Canadians will now be called Canerdians.

Jimmy Kimmel Live
Happy birthday to Justin Bieber. Yesterday he turned 21, which means he can be tried as an adult.

Justin Bieber celebrated the milestone on an island in the Caribbean. Big party — all of his closest freeloaders were there.

Forbes released its annual list of billionaires. Once again the richest person on the planet, with $79.2 billion, is Bill Gates. To put that into perspective, that's enough money to never have to drink tap water at a restaurant ever again.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
The third season of House of Cards premiered on Netflix this weekend. There was corruption, deceit, and betrayal, and that was just me cancelling plans so I could watch it.

The latest ranking of the world's richest billionaires came out this morning. Bill Gates came in first with $79.2 billion. I feel bad for him. Can you imagine having that much money and you still don't have an iPhone 6?

Taco Bell is testing a new product called “Cap’n Crunch Delights,” which are balls of sweet dough, covered in crushed Cap’n Crunch cereal, and filled with a “milk icing” — you know, Mexican food.

Wed, Jun 03, 2015


Late Night From 03/03

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
Another scandal for Hillary Clinton — they’re saying she used a private email address when she was secretary of state, which means the government couldn’t archive and preserve her emails. Then Obama said, “Don’t worry, we saw them. We see everyone’s emails.”

Hillary Clinton used a private email account to conduct official state business. Experts say that if this violates any federal rules, then she . . . will still be president.

Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu gave a speech to Congress. It aired in Israel with a five-minute delay. Israelis had to wait five minutes to hear what their president was saying, or as Americans call that, watching Obama live. "Every speech … I make … takes … three hours.

CBS has extended Judge Judy's contract through the year 2020. It's good to hear she'll have a job because when you're unemployed, the only thing to do is watch "Judge Judy."

Conan O'Brien
Jeb Bush is getting his presidential campaign in gear. Last week he said he supports a path to citizenship for immigrants. He said, "I believe in an America where hard work and dedication can lead to any job that your brother and dad once had."

China soon will begin casting for its own version of "Saturday Night Live." And apparently it is so much like "SNL" that it too won't have any Asian performers.

It was reported today that Edward Snowden may return to the United States. He is going to carpool with Julian Assange and Roman Polanski.

Two California teachers charged with having sex with students and giving them cocaine. On the plus side, the students involved had perfect attendance.

Jimmy Kimmel Live
Taco Bell is testing a new dessert item called Cap'n Crunch Delights. They are warm doughnut holes filled with sugary cream and rolled in Cap'n Crunch. They really know how to capture the flavors of old Mexico.

Taco Bell is essentially what you get if you gave a stoner a research and development team. Cap'n Crunch Delights is what happens when people start thinking outside the bun.

Leonard Nimoy passed away last week. In Canada, where he's not even from, they're paying him an unusual tribute called "Spocking." They draw Spock ears, hair, and eyebrows on the guy on their $5 bills. Spocking is not illegal in Canada, although it could incur the wrath of Khan.

I can think of no better way to honor the life and legacy of Leonard Nimoy than by defacing Canadian currency. It's perfectly logical.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
Today during his speech in Washington, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu repeatedly referred to Congress as "my friends." It was a move that had many in Congress Googling the word “friend.”

Nancy Pelosi said she was "near tears" during the prime minister's speech to Congress because it insulted America's intelligence. So please, nobody tell Nancy Pelosi about "The Bachelor."

Archaeologists in Nazareth believe they may have found the house that Jesus grew up in. And in the backyard they found the pool where he learned to walk.

It's being reported that the Apple Watch will be able to check people in and out of hotel rooms. And give Apple a history of everywhere I stay? — not on my watch.

Thu, Jun 04, 2015


Late Night From 03/04
Part 1

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
President Obama said he wants the United States to establish an embassy in Cuba by April. When asked if Cuba would establish an embassy here, Obama said, “What do you call Miami?”

Joe Biden will speak to the nation’s largest gay rights group during a human rights convention on Friday. Then on Saturday, he is scheduled to speak to them again to apologize for whatever he said in Friday’s speech.

MAC Cosmetics is launching a line of makeup that’s inspired by the new live-action “Cinderella” movie. Because what girl doesn't want makeup inspired by a story where the woman turns into an ugly loser at midnight?

A DEA agent in Utah is warning against passing a medical marijuana bill because it could cause rabbits near marijuana farms to become addicted and lose their natural instincts. Rabbits said, “You mean our natural tendency to eat and have sex and act super paranoid all the time?”

Jimmy Kimmel Live
Boston Medical Center found that 15 percent of 2-year-olds in the Boston area drink as much as 4 ounces of coffee a day. The parents claim they give the kids coffee only when they need it, like when the kid wakes up with a hangover.

Pediatricians say giving caffeine to toddlers can cause depression, diabetes, sleep disturbance, and obesity. On the plus side they get a lot more finger painting done.

The state of Utah, which you think of as a very conservative state, is considering a bill that would allow the sale of edible marijuana for medical use, which is very good news for people with imaginary back problems.

A DEA agent is speaking out against edible marijuana. He said it could lead to a lot of stoned rabbits. He says rabbits will eat the pot that is grown at marijuana farms and start following the band phish around the country.

The agent said there's danger the rabbits might become addicted to pot and lose their natural instincts. Come on. I mean, how adorable would it be to walk in on a bunny sitting on your couch playing games and eating pizza?

Late Night With Seth Meyers
Today is National Grammar Day. But come on, who cares? Sorry, I mean, WHOM cares?

According to a new study, men are naturally programmed to want more than one woman even when in monogamous relationships. And the scientists who conducted the study want to know if they can crash on your couch for a while.

A developer has created a zero-gravity martini glass, which promises to let astronauts drink cocktails in space without spilling. Our astronauts are drinking? Guys, the first step is admitting to Houston that you have a problem.

Fri, Jun 05, 2015


Late Night From 03/05

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
I hope everyone here in the audience is comfortable. Because with this snow, there's a good chance that none of us are ever leaving.

Yesterday, the Supreme Court spent over an hour listening to arguments on whether Obamacare is unconstitutional. Yeah, listening to arguments about Obamacare for an hour, or as most people call that, “Thanksgiving Dinner.”

There are reports that Russia is actually working with North Korea to encourage “collaboration and cooperation” between the two countries. Yeah, they believe that with Russia’s economic power and North Korea’s technology, they can be a real threat to 1987.

Conan O'Brien
Psychologists have found that going to sleep early may help ward off mental illness. In other words, if you stayed up late to watch my show, you're insane. We cause brain damage.

A Chinese family was kicked off a flight to Hong Kong because their 3-year-old wouldn't sit in his seat. As a result, the 3-year-old missed his first day of work.

In a recent speech, Pope Francis called money the devil's dung. That's also the name of the Pope's garage band.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
According to new video, a lion at a South African safari park has reportedly learned how to open the doors on tour jeeps. The video was taken with an iPhone that was recovered from the stomach of a lion in South Africa.

The world's oldest person turned 117 today. And she celebrated the same way she did last year — by driving her car into somebody’s living room.

Music duo Hall & Oates is reportedly suing a company over a cereal named Haulin' Oats. Though the company says it’s totally different because in their cereal, oats is the star.

Sat, Jun 06, 2015


Late Night From 03/09

The Late Show with David Letterman
Yesterday was not only daylight saving time, but also International Women's Day. What better way to address the issue of inequality for women than giving them a day that's missing an hour.

The new Apple Watch is out. I'm on the waiting list to get the new Apple hearing aid.

Your Apple Watch gets email. You can send texts. It has a corkscrew, nail clipper, tooth pick, scissors, tweezers, a compass, and if you put it on the floor and stand on it and it will tell you how much you weigh.

Hillary Clinton could use one of these Apple Watches. She could hook it up to her secret email account. If you want to contact Hillary, she's at

Jimmy Kimmel Live
Today is my least favorite day of the year. It's the Monday after daylight saving time starts. It throws me completely out of whack. I don't know why they do this. Even if it is necessary, which it isn't, why do we have to spring forward all at once? Can't we tippy-toe forward one minute a day over two months?

I am proud of myself. Yesterday I got in my car and looked at the clock. I'll admit it took 12 minutes to do it while I was driving but I did manage to adjust the time in my car one hour ahead.

I still haven't adjusted the clocks in my house. I'll need four to six weeks. We can send a satellite to Mars, yet we cannot have a microwave that automatically adjusts its clock.

For those who don't know, daylight saving time was put into practice so farmers could propose to their reality dating-show contestants an hour later.

Sun, Jun 07, 2015


Late Night From 03/10

The Late Show with David Letterman
Mayor de Blasio has legalized ferrets. Now you can legally own ferrets in New York City. I want to tell you something. If I want to see anymore beady-eyed little weasels, I'll just keep riding the subway.

Tim Tebow is coming back to the NFL. I'm telling you, this guy has been on the bench more than Judge Judy.

Tim Tebow, you know, originally was thrown out of the NFL for using his personal email account.

Finally, a Clinton scandal the entire family can enjoy.

Today would have been the birthday of Osama bin Laden. It makes me remember when Seal Team 6 threw him a surprise party.

Jimmy Kimmel Live
There's a new study that says giving your child too much praise can harm them later. They become more narcissistic. Narcissism is a condition of excessive self-interest that affects approximately one out of every one Kardashian.

If you're too hard on your kids, they grow up with no self-confidence, but if you praise them too much, they grow up to be narcissists. What do these little monsters want from us?

It's all about parents. My parents for instance kept me grounded by forcing me to wear Toughskins jeans and forgetting to pick me up a lot.

Mon, Jun 08, 2015


Late Night From 03/11

The Late Show with David Letterman
Now in Utah if you get the death sentence, they have the firing squad. In Russia, they call that early retirement.

Because Utah is largely Mormon country, the firing squad's a little different. You're blindfolded but no cigarette.

President Obama's trying to work out a nuclear deal with Iran, and the Republicans are steamed. They got together and sent Iran a letter about the nuclear deal. They said if this doesn't work, by God, they're going to send Seth Rogen and James Franco.

The ayatollah in Iran says he believes that he got the letter, but he thinks he accidentally threw it out with his Crate & Barrel catalog.

Jimmy Kimmel Live
This is a very big week for us here. Tomorrow night on our show we get a visit from President Obama, which means that all of you here tonight just missed having to get a cavity search to get in here tonight.

On May 2 in Las Vegas, at long last, Floyd Mayweather will fight Manny Pacquiao. It's the most-anticipated fight in many years. Floyd and Manny? That doesn't sound like two guys who fight. Sounds like guys you'd play chess with in Washington Square Park.

Before their press conference, they held a red carpet event for Floyd and Manny, which to me seems overly glamorous for guys who wear shorts to work.

Manny is with us now. Hey, if you come back tomorrow we won't need the Secret Service to protect President Obama. You can do it with your fists alone.

Tue, Jun 09, 2015


Late Night From 03/12

The Late Show with David Letterman
Some Secret Service guys crashed a car into the White House. And they had been drinking when it happened. Actually, they hit a barrier trying to get to the White House. It's the same thing that is happening to Hillary.

Today Mitt Romney is 68 years old. It's kind of sad, a 68-year-old guy with no job, no future — wait a minute, that's me.

I always liked Mitt Romney. He looks like the salesman who follows you around at Brooks Brothers.

They found a scrapbook with photos of Osama bin Laden from the '90s, and they're studying each and every photo very, very closely. My favorite shot of Osama bin Laden was right between the eyes.

Jimmy Kimmel Live
We have quite a show for you tonight. The leader of the free world is on the show tonight. Sean Penn is here to promote his movie "The Gunman."

President Obama is here tonight to promote a project he's been working on called the United States.

We had two former presidents. President Clinton and — was Morgan Freeman president? OK, we had one.

There is controversy surrounding Obama's appearance on the show. Monday we announced the president would be here. This morning I got a letter from 47 Republicans telling me not to sign any deals with him.

A bomb-sniffing dog came into my office today — for real, a Belgian shepherd named Pistol, a great dog. A very happy dog, but he obviously has no idea what happens if he ever finds what he's looking for. But then, do any of us, really?

Wed, Jun 10, 2015


Late Night From 03/13

The Late Show with David Letterman
Since I announced my retirement a lot of people come up to me on the street and say, "Hey, Jimmie. I understand you're retiring. What are you going to be doing after retirement?"

I just found out today I've been accepted into the CBS page program.

Alex Rodriguez hit a home run in a spring training game. You know what that means, ladies and gentlemen? I'll tell you what it means. He's back on the juice.

Scientists have discovered a black hole that is 12 billion times the size of our sun. It's full of Hillary Clinton emails.

Thu, Jun 11, 2015


Late Night From 03/16

Jimmy Kimmel Live
We are here in Austin, Texas, for a whole week — because that's how long it takes to get to the front of the line at Franklin Barbecue.

I've been doing a lot of drinking here in Austin too. Here's how you know you're having a good time — when you go for coffee in the morning and realize that the key to your hotel room is still in the door from the night before.

In addition to eating, there's also a music festival going on in Austin right now. For a minute I thought people were standing in line to get their beards trimmed. It's like a swarm of hipster locusts descended on the city.

The festival started last Friday and goes through Sunday. Al Gore kicked things off. You know Austin isn't like the rest of Texas when the guy they bring in to get the crowd fired up is a Democrat who hates oil.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
After a mysterious absence, Vladimir Putin appeared today in public for the first time in nearly two weeks. You know what that means — a boob job. And we're going to find out quick because that guy doesn't wear a shirt a lot.

March Madness is upon us. That's the big tournament where you start out with 64 teams and in only three weeks you're down to no girlfriend.

Pope Francis said that one of the things he misses most about ordinary life is the ability to go out and eat pizza without being recognized. I wouldn't worry. Nobody's going to believe the guy who works at the pizza place when he says, "Hey, you know who came in today? The Pope."

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
During his weekly address to the nation, President Obama discussed higher education and said, “The most important skill you can sell is your knowledge.” Or as English majors working at Starbucks put it, “No it's not."

This weekend President Obama attended the annual Gridiron Club Dinner, and during his speech he joked that he is getting older and crankier. Which explains why he announced he no longer supports President Obama.

Disney's live-action movie “Cinderella” — which also featured a short “Frozen” cartoon — came in No. 1 at the box office this weekend, with an estimated $70 million. That story again: A short “Frozen” cartoon made $70 million this weekend — and “Cinderella” was involved toward the end there, too.

A grandmother in South Africa celebrated her 100th birthday on Saturday by going skydiving. It's pretty impressive — most people turning 100 usually go the other direction in the sky.

Conan O'Brien
Russia's Vladimir Putin appeared in public for the first time after a mysterious 10-day absence. Putin said it took him that long to recover from the finale of "The Bachelor."

Yesterday was the L.A. Marathon. It's the only time of year you see someone running in the streets of Los Angeles when it's not the end of a car chase.

Some people are still angry about the letter written by Republicans to Iran. It's also not helping that they said, "Dear Iran or Iraq, we can never keep you two straight."

The Late Show with David Letterman
We've broken the back of winter. And now here in New York City it's the beginning of the pothole season. Earlier today Mayor de Blasio cut the ribbon on a brand-new one over on 8th Ave.

They're now saying that the 2nd Ave. pothole should be ready around 2017.

They're trying to get a deal with Iran. They don't want Iran to get a nuclear weapon so they're trying to make some kind of a deal. They think within the next month they'll have a deal, and then some time after that the deal will be available on Netflix.

Fri, Jun 12, 2015


Late Night From 03/17

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
Hillary Clinton was actually inducted into the Irish American Hall of Fame yesterday. Hillary said she's very proud of her Irish heritage or her Italian heritage or her Asian heritage. Whatever it takes to seal the deal with you guys. I've got to get into that Oval Office.

Mitt Romney announced he will fight former heavyweight champion Evander Holyfield in a charity boxing match. You can tell that Romney is serious about it. Today, his butler gave him a piggyback ride up the steps of the Philadelphia art museum.

It turns out they're already trying a bunch of nicknames to try to hype up the match. First they considered “Vanilla in Manila.” Next up, they tried “Lean and Mean versus L.L. Bean.” Finally, “Mitt Romney Loses to Another Black Guy.”

Conan O'Brien
The prime minister of Ireland will be celebrating St. Patrick's Day at the White House. So finally the Secret Service agents will have a drinking buddy.

Texas Senator Ted Cruz said if elected president he would abolish the Department of Education. But not to worry. He promised to replace it with the less expensive Bureau of Book Learning.

Officials in Indiana have discovered a working meth lab inside a Walmart. They became suspicious when they noticed a Walmart employee making a decent living.

It's rumored that Arnold Schwarzenegger's son is cheating on his girlfriend Miley Cyrus. After hearing about it Arnold said, “That's my boy.”

The Late Show with David Letterman
Today, we honor St. Patrick. His full name, of course, was St. Neil Patrick Harris.

St. Patrick’s Day is the fourth biggest drinking day in America. It’s not the biggest. It’s right behind New Year's Eve, Fourth of July, or any Secret Service party.

Remember evil Russian dictator Vladimir Putin? He vanished for 10 days. He had disappeared and there were a lot of rumors. One rumor was he had disappeared because he had himself executed.

Mitt Romney has a fund-raiser. He’s going to get in the ring and fight Evander Holyfield. This is the dumbest thing Republicans have done since they wrote that open letter to Iran.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
On St. Patrick's Day, Americans are expected to drink over 13 million pints of Guinness. To give you an idea how much beer that is, go outside and look at the sidewalk.

Pennsylvania police say the Kappa Delta Rho fraternity at Penn State ran a private Facebook group for drug sales called "Covert business transactions." Which is like trying to hide your porn by putting it in a folder called "People in states of undress."

A flight from Washington, D.C., to Denver made an abrupt U-turn after a pastor ran through the aisles yelling, "Jihad, jihad." Passengers say they were scared by the guy yelling, "Jihad." But the abrupt U-turn really calmed them down.

Actor Vin Diesel announced yesterday his girlfriend has given birth to their third child. Though it is hard to say it is definitely his because Vin Diesel looks like every baby.

Sat, Jun 13, 2015


Late Night From 03/18

Jimmy Kimmel Live
We are in Austin, Texas. I've been away from L.A. for five days. I've already forgotten what kale tastes like. I now eat my vegetables fried as God intended.

I have now consumed every food Austin has to offer. My body is dangerously close to no longer being considered a temple.

This is how I know I have a problem. Last night when asked if I wanted sparkling or regular water, I said, "Bring me a glass of queso."

South by Southwest is quite an event. It's where music, movies, and technology come together. The tech portion came to a close last night so don't worry, the nerds are gone. They zoomed off in their driverless cars to who knows where.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
Dick Cheney said in a Playboy interview this week that Barack Obama is the worst president of his lifetime. Come on, you can’t tell me Obama is worse than Martin Van Buren.

Arnold Schwarzenegger was stopped by police in Australia this week for riding a bike without a helmet. It’s especially dangerous for Schwarzenegger because if he got a concussion, how would you know?

Blackberry and Samsung are working together on a new project to build a high-security tablet. The way it works is this: It says “Blackberry” on the back and nobody wants to steal it.

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
Everyone’s busy filling out their March Madness brackets. Even Jeb Bush filled one out. And you can tell he’s running for president because his picks for the Final Four are Iowa, Iowa, Iowa, and Iowa.

President Obama recently sat down with ESPN and said the NCAA should reduce the shot clock for basketball games. Then he said, “And while we're at it, is there any way they can reduce the 'being president clock?'"

According to a professor at DePaul University, if a person randomly fills out his March Madness bracket, he has a one in 9.2 quintillion chance of getting it perfect. Or as gamblers put it, “So you're saying I've got a chance!”

In an interview with Playboy magazine, Dick Cheney criticized President Obama and said he's quote, “the worst president of my lifetime, without question.” Then Cheney said, “But enough talk. When do I take my clothes off?”

Conan O'Brien
During an interview with Playboy — that's right, Playboy — Dick Cheney said President Obama is the worst president in his lifetime. Meanwhile, subscribers to Playboy said Cheney was the worst centerfold in their lifetime.

President Obama filled out his March Madness bracket. You can tell Obama's mind is elsewhere because his top two picks were Israel and Iran.

President Obama has decided that he wants his presidential library to be in Chicago, not Hawaii. Today Hawaii's governor said, "Great, who's going to want to come to Hawaii now?"

A new study has shown that women who get more sleep have better sex. Unfortunately, the study was conducted by Bill Cosby.

The Late Show with David Letterman
According to a new study, doctors now say that loneliness is more dangerous than smoking and drinking. So they recommend that you smoke and drink with others.

What is also dangerous is criticizing Vladimir Putin.

Everybody was upset that Vladimir Putin was missing. He was in Switzerland with his girlfriend. She had a baby in Switzerland because in Russia childbirth is not covered by Putin-care.

Mitt Romney, two-time Republican presidential candidate, is going to fight Evander Holyfield for charity. I hope they save some of that money for funeral expenses.

Sun, Jun 14, 2015


Late Night From 03/19

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
During a speech yesterday, President Obama discussed the country's successful economy and said, "I'm going to take a little credit." Then the people at the rally said, "Dude, we're all here in the middle of the day because we don't have jobs. So stop talking about how good the economy is."

Obama discussed the successful economy and said "I'm going to take a little credit." Then the economy got bad again and he said, "Republicans did it."

President Obama was photographed wearing a fitness tracker that features a GPS, heart monitor, and step counter. Not to be outdone, Joe Biden was photographed wearing a necklace with his name, address, and allergies in case he gets lost.

A lawmaker in Nevada just introduced a new bill that would provide pets with medical marijuana. Weed for pets. Which raises the question: Is it possible for cats to sleep 25 hours a day? Is that possible?

Late Night With Seth Meyers
March Madness is officially underway and there have already been some major upsets. For instance, I told my wife I was going to watch basketball all weekend and she was really upset.

Mitt Romney said this week that his biggest campaign mistake in 2012 was not communicating well with minorities. The only minority he did well with was Romney voters.

Mon, Jun 15, 2015


Late Night From 03/20

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
Yesterday President Obama addressed climate change by signing an executive order to cut the country's gas emissions by 40 percent over the next 10 years. Then he said, “And if it fails, who cares? I'll be halfway to Mars by then."

It’s rumored that Obama recently purchased a house in Hawaii that was featured on the show “Magnum P.I.” Not to be outdone, Biden is moving into SpongeBob's Pineapple.

Prince Charles visited President Obama at the White House yesterday. They each had a good laugh and then shook ears.

Amazon introduced its one-hour delivery service to parts of Miami yesterday. When asked what they want to get delivered so quickly, people in Miami said, “Are you a cop?"

Jimmy Kimmel Live
Thank you for joining us here in Austin, Texas. I don't want to leave but I have to leave because if I stay any longer my body will turn into brisket.

I really do have to go home. None of my clothes fit anymore. My socks are even tight. That's when you know.

The South by Southwest festival, which is the reason we came this week, goes on until Sunday. This morning Snoop Dogg spoke about the future of music. His speech went great but he was a little freaked out by the screen full of words that seemed to know everything he was about to say.

Tue, Jun 16, 2015


Late Night From 03/23

Jimmy Kimmel Live
The first known candidate to enter the presidential race in 2016 is Texas Senator Ted Cruz. Announcing your candidacy before everyone else does is kind of like being the first celebrity to show up on the red carpet at the Oscars. It's not a great thing.

Chelsea Clinton is here tonight. Chelsea's here to promote the "Serve a Year" campaign. A lot of celebrities do this. They serve a year, sometimes less with good behavior.

UCLA will play Gonzaga in the NCAA tournament. Gonzaga comes from the land of imaginary schools that only exist during March Madness.

Most NCAA office pools are illegal. That's what makes it so exciting — the thrill of potentially doing hard time for circling the word "Valparaiso" on a piece of paper. It's sad that the one thing that we actually enjoy about work is against the law.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
Senator Ted Cruz has officially announced that he is running for president. But if you see a T-shirt that says “Ted Cruz 2016,” those aren’t election shirts. That’s just how old he thinks the Earth is.

March Madness is now down to the Sweet 16. Here’s who’s out: the team of all white guys that passes well but only shoots threes. They’re out. The small school where the coach is one of the players' dads. Out. And the team you picked to go all the way. Out.

Starbucks is discontinuing its “Race Together” initiative where baristas were asked to discuss race relations with customers. Apparently, there aren’t many combinations worse than “racial discussions” and “hot liquids.”

Larry King reportedly tweets by calling a designated voice mail and leaving a message, and then an assistant tweets the message for him. Which I guess explains why so many of his tweets begin with “Hello, operator?”

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
Texas Senator Ted Cruz officially announced that he's running for president. Cruz said that after doing exhaustive research to see if he had a real chance to win, he said, “I'm gonna run anyway.”

Republican Ted Cruz announced that he will run for president in 2016. So finally, Carnival is no longer the most dangerous cruise in America.

According to a new poll, exactly 50 percent of Americans view President Obama's presidency as a success. While the other half of Americans are actually candidates for the Republican presidential nomination.

While he was discussing U.S.-Israeli relations yesterday, John McCain told Obama to quote, "Get over your temper tantrum, Mr. President." I didn't even know Obama could get mad.

Conan O'Brien
Texas senator and tea party favorite Ted Cruz announced he's running for president. He pledged to lead America boldly forward into the 1950s.

Ted Cruz released a presidential campaign video in Spanish. Cruz explained, "It's important for me to reach out to the people I'm trying to deport."

People are questioning if Ted Cruz can legally run for president because he was born in Canada. And the last thing we want to do is pave the way for a President Bieber.

The FDA has approved a potato genetically engineered not to bruise. Scientists are so confident the potato will not bruise that next weekend they're having it fight Manny Pacquiao.

The Late Show with David Letterman
Burger King is now making a Whopper-scented cologne. But there is a warning. If you wear Burger King's Whopper cologne, don't go near a lion cage. You know, I think I'll just stick with my Steak and Shake aftershave.

Texas Senator Ted Cruz announced he is running for president. Ted Cruz was born in Canada, his father fled to the United States from Cuba, and yet Ted Cruz is against immigration. Isn't that odd?

Ted Cruz could be president of the United States. If you thought the Secret Service was drinking before . . .

Wed, Jun 17, 2015


Late Night From 03/24

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
During a recent interview, President Obama revealed that he doesn't always get enough sleep. And I think I speak for everyone when I say, “Good! We pay you to worry about stuff so WE can sleep. That’s why you are the president. ”

President Obama admitted that he doesn't get enough sleep. But doctors said he should find little tricks to doze off, like counting intruders jumping over the White House fence.

Over the weekend, a man in Italy hand-delivered a pizza to Pope Francis while he was riding through the streets in his Popemobile. That means he just achieved "peak Italian."

A man delivered a pizza to Pope Francis. Francis actually liked it more than the pizza he gets from his usual place — “Pope-a-John's.”

Conan O'Brien
Tea party candidate Ted Cruz announced he's running for president. He says he wants to abolish the IRS. So today Cruz was endorsed by Nicolas Cage, Wesley Snipes, and Willie Nelson.

Ted Cruz says he used to like rock music but after 9/11, he prefers country. Upon hearing this, al-Qaida said, "That was the plan."

Burger King announced its chicken fries will be served year round now. Previously, the chicken fries have only been sold during heart attack season but now you can get them whenever you want.

A new article states that millennials have terrible conversational skills. When asked for comment, millennials texted a series of crying frowny faces.

The Late Show with David Letterman
President Obama and Hillary Clinton had lunch today. Of course, Hillary had a private server.

Tea party candidate Ted Cruz, Republican senator from Texas, wants to be president. That means he's one step closer to being a Fox News analyst.

Republican Congressman Peter King called Ted Cruz a carnival barker. That is such an insult to carnival barkers.

Ted Cruz is the first official candidate for the 2016 presidential election. As history has shown, the first declared candidate always goes on to win the election — except in 2012, 2008, 2004, 2000, 1996, 1992, 1988, 1984, 1980, 1976, 1972, 1968, 1964, 1960, 1956 . . .

Late Night With Seth Meyers
Former president George W. Bush will be in Dallas this week raising money for his brother Jeb's presidential run. He plans to raise the money by campaigning for Ted Cruz.

Ted Cruz said today that if elected president, he'll tell the truth and do what he said he'd do. And guys, I know we've been burned 44 times on this, but I have a good feeling about this guy.

Despite being Pope for only a short time, Pope Francis is already being credited with a miracle. Apparently, he called Time Warner Cable and got a representative right away.

A new study has found that 70 minutes of math and science homework per night is best for teenage students. Said teenage students, "What? That's two hours!"

Thu, Jun 18, 2015


Late Night From 03/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
Yesterday presidential candidate Ted Cruz said that he will in fact be signing up for Obamacare despite saying earlier that he wants to repeal every word of it. It's a good thing he's signing up, because Cruz just went to the hospital in hypocritical condition.

A new poll shows that TV presidents featured on shows like "The West Wing," "24," and "Battlestar Galactica" have a higher favorability rating than President Obama. But he's not the only politician that people prefer fictional characters to. Instead of Texas Governor Rick Perry, people prefer any male soap opera actor over 50.

Today Zayn Malik announced that he is officially leaving One Direction. They asked him, "Where are you going?" He said, "Another direction."

Kraft Foods and Heinz will merge to create the fifth largest food and beverage company in the world. The merger will combine brands like Kraft Mac & Cheese, Heinz ketchup, Oscar Mayer wieners, and Philadelphia cream cheese. Or as stoners put it, "Already did that, bro.”

Conan O'Brien
After years of bashing Obamacare, tea party candidate Ted Cruz just signed up for it. And next week he plans to get gay married at Planned Parenthood.

A new report says the U.S. faces a severe shortage of doctors. In fact, things got so bad that yesterday a triple bypass was performed by Dr. Dre.

NASA's Mars rover has just completed a marathon traveling 26.2 miles. And once again it was beaten by a Mars rover from Kenya.

A pitcher for the Chicago Cubs who was supposed to start a spring training game accidentally drove to the wrong stadium. The Cubs pitcher realized he was at the wrong stadium the moment he saw hope in the eyes of a fan.

The Late Show with David Letterman
How many of you intentionally don't pay your taxes? Me, neither. Whenever I go there to my accountant's office, I'm taken up in the elevator blindfolded. I said, "I'm worried about having money for retirement." He said, "Don't worry, you'll get your cut."

We have Donald Trump and Ted Cruz and Lindsey Graham all running for president. It's all part of the Republican plan to make Jeb Bush look presidential.

And by the way, did you know that Ted Cruz was born in Canada? Now Canada has released this statement: "American voters should be aware that while presidential candidate Ted Cruz was in fact born in Canada, he has renounced his Canadian citizenship." One down, one to go.

Mitt Romney, two-time presidential campaigner, will step into the boxing ring and he will be fighting Evander Holyfield, who, to my knowledge, has never run for president.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
Zayn Malik has officially left One Direction. I saw this coming as soon as he started dating Yoko Ono.

Ted Cruz is signing up for Obamacare. This is like finding out Jenny McCarthy went in for a flu shot.

Burger King stores in Japan are reportedly planning to sell Whopper-scented cologne for those special occasions when you want to smell like the inside of a fat guy's car. You probably have the surrounding odors. Save your money.

A new restaurant in New York has just opened and serves dishes made only from food scraps donated from other restaurants. Said Arby's, "They're on to us, every man for himself.”

In some good-luck news, a man coming out of surgery has won $7 million on a lottery ticket that was tucked in his get-well card. And after paying his hospital bills, he still has $900 left.

Fri, Jun 19, 2015


Late Night From 03/26

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
Republican candidate Ted Cruz said recently that in the 36 hours after he announced that he's running for president, he’s raised over a million dollars. And Hillary Clinton closed her checkbook and said, “Happy to help. Can't wait."

Ted Cruz raised over a million dollars after announcing that he’s running for president. Which is why today RadioShack announced that it is also running for president.

NASA’s Mars rover just completed its first marathon after it spent the last 11 years traveling over 26 miles. Of course, the rover from Kenya was able to do it in just nine years.

It took 11 years for NASA’s Mars rover to go 26 miles. Or as my grandma calls that, “driving.”

Conan O'Brien
At March Madness one of the Sweet 16 teams is Notre Dame. I'm sorry, but if I want to watch the Fighting Irish I'll visit my parents.

Vin Diesel said that "Fast and Furious 7" will win the Oscar for best picture. He's being kept in a hospital overnight for observation.

McDonald's is introducing a Big Mac clothing line. Of course there already is a clothing line for Big Mac lovers. It's called a hospital gown.

According to a new study, human waste contains gold and other special minerals. In the future this could make things awkward when a cashier asks, "How would you like to pay for that"?

Jimmy Kimmel Live
Today is the 20th birthday of the Starbucks Frappuccino. The CEO of Starbucks wrote in his book about the story of the Frappuccino: "It's experimental, it's adventurous, it fires people up and engages their imagination." Does it, though? Seems like a coffee milkshake to me.

To commemorate this momentous occasion Starbucks is offering a birthday cake-flavored Frappuccino now until Monday. Go out and drink yourself a birthday cake. Don't swallow the candles.

Sat, Jun 20, 2015


Late Night From 03/27

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
Yesterday, the White House confirmed that President Obama will meet with Pope Francis during his visit in September. Some experts are wondering if they'll discuss their disagreement over contraception. Then Joe Biden said, “I didn't even know they were dating.”

Yeah, the president will meet with Pope Francis at the White House in September. The two will meet for about an hour or so, and then the Pope will spend the rest of the day hearing confessions from Secret Service agents.

Oprah is auctioning off over a million dollars' worth of her belongings from her Chicago apartment. Or as she calls them, "her least favorite things."

Willie Nelson is apparently developing his own brand of weed and bongs. Which I guess is like his version of Oprah's garage sale.

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