Jokes of the day

3201 - 3225


Sat, May 02, 2015


Late Night From 01/09/15

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
President Obama posted a video on Facebook yesterday announcing his plan to make the first two years of community college free. Unfortunately he was interrupted when Biden got confused and threw a bucket of ice water on his head.

Former Arkansas governor and potential 2016 candidate Mike Huckabee is releasing his 12th book later this month called, “God, Guns, Grits, and Gravy.” The craziest part: that's just his favorite aisle at Wal-Mart.

Macy’s may create a discount clothing chain similar to T.J. Maxx. Meanwhile, J.C. Penney will continue operating out of an unmarked van.

Macy's is interested in creating discount clothing stores similar to T.J. Maxx. It'll be great for customers who love the style of Macy's, but prefer all that clothing thrown on the ground.

The Late Show with David Letterman
According to a new study, a nap at work is healthy. A nap at work is healthy. Call me when it's healthy to drink at work.

A 30-minute nap, they say, will make you fresh and alert when you're fired.

Sunday is the Golden Globe Awards. It's always fun to see millionaire celebrities eating free dinners.

Meryl Streep is nominated for her incredible portrayal as James Brown.

Sun, May 03, 2015


Late Night From 01/12

The Late Show with David Letterman
Did you folks enjoy the Golden Globes last night? Help me out with something. Are the Golden Globes an indicator, a predictor, or a precursor of the Academy Awards?

Last night, the Golden Globes presented George Clooney with a lifetime achievement award. I have never received a Golden Globe but I did receive a special award from the Golden Corral people.

And how about Jennifer Lopez in that dress at the Golden Globes? The referees ruled it incomplete.

A guy had a job and it turned out he didn't show up for 25 years. Finally, his boss discovered he wasn't showing up and fired him. So let this be a lesson to you kids out there. If you don't go to work for 25 years, you're gonna get fired.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
Mitt Romney said he is considering a third presidential bid. Romney said he got the idea from watching his dog repeatedly run into an electric fence.

The Denver Post recently hosted a focus group discussing the impact of marijuana legalization in Colorado. They called it a “focus group,” because the host kept saying “Come on, guys. Focus!”

Yesterday was New York’s 14th annual no-pants subway ride. Of course, if you want to see a bunch of people riding the subway without pants, today works too.

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
Donald Trump said he is thinking very seriously about a 2016 presidential campaign. You can tell he's serious. Today I saw him shaking hands and firing babies.

Mitt Romney says he is considering a third campaign for the presidency. He made the announcement during a private meeting with donors. It’s pretty shocking, you know, that Mitt Romney needs donors. I mean, what are these guys, trillionaires?

The film “Boyhood” won the Golden Globe for best drama. It follows one guy's journey over the course of 12 years — or as Mitt Romney calls that, “running for president.”

Conan O'Brien
Did you see the Golden Globes? Tina Fey and Amy Poehler were hilarious. They made jokes about Bill Cosby. And to show there were no hard feelings, today Cosby offered to buy each of them a drink.

The top movie at the box office this weekend was "Taken 3." In "Taken 3" movie audiences are held hostage by a plot hijacked from "Taken 2."

Nike announced that this year it will sell self-lacing tennis shoes. By the way, if you're too lazy to lace up your tennis shoes you're really going to hate tennis.

A Saudi Arabian prince has said that oil may never again rise above $100 a barrel. He said it's gotten so bad he can't afford to buy his wife her own car that she's not allowed to drive.

Mon, May 04, 2015


Late Night From 01/13

The Late Show with David Letterman
Paul Ryan announced that after a lot of thought, and talking it over with family and friends, that he is not going to run for president in 2016. I'm telling you, this announcement sent shock waves through no one.

Congratulations to Ohio State, your new college football champions. Coach Urban Meyer may be the greatest football coach of all time. Don't confuse him with New York Mayor Bill de Blasio. That's urban quagmire.

Fifteen years ago tomorrow I had open heart surgery, a quintuple bypass surgery. Thanks to all of my doctors. Because of them, in 15 years of life I've been able to experience, well, acid reflux, short-term memory loss, and erectile dysfunction. Thanks for all your work. It's great to be alive.

What a day that was 15 years ago. I woke up and had to swing by the hospital. I thought I was going in for a routine face lift.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
Ohio State beat Oregon 42-20. Police in Ohio had to use tear gas on crowds after celebrations got too rowdy following the game. Oregon fans, on the other hand, were able to make their own tears.

Mitt Romney is reportedly putting his 2012 election team back together. And somehow, miraculously, none of them were busy with other stuff.

Fidel Castro, who hasn’t been publicly seen for more than a year, wrote a personal letter referencing current events to prove he is still alive. And nothing says “I’m alive in 2015” like writing a letter.

Police are looking for a woman who stole $3,000 worth of cat-grooming supplies at an airport baggage carousel. Police describe the suspect as “single.”

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
Days after Mitt Romney announced he is considering a 2016 presidential campaign, his former running mate Paul Ryan announced that he will not run. Ryan won't say who he'll support. He just wants the best man for the Jeb . . . Job, I mean job.

Fifteen states across the country have gas prices that have dipped below $2. That means it’s now cheaper to buy a gallon of liquefied dinosaurs than one cup of coffee at Starbucks.

Virgin Media is developing a 3-D printed wristband that can sense when the user is falling asleep and record whatever they are watching on TV. You know, so that way, you can catch up on everything that bored you to sleep.

New research suggests that men who regularly post selfies are more likely to have psychopathic tendencies. While women who regularly post selfies are more likely to be a Kardashian.

Conan O'Brien
A new Republican Congress is taking over. Sen. Ted Cruz has been appointed to overseeing NASA in Congress. He says he wants NASA to focus on finding aliens so he can deport them.

Republican Mike Huckabee criticized the Obamas for letting their daughters listen to Beyoncé due to her explicit lyrics. So now the Obama girls are faced with the tough choice every teen must eventually make — listen to Beyoncé or Mike Huckabee.

A congressman from Texas sent out a tweet comparing President Obama to Hitler. That is ridiculous because at this point in his career Hitler had a much higher approval rating.

An NFL player was arrested in Florida on gun charges. The news was shocking to anyone who knows nothing about the NFL or Florida.

Tue, May 05, 2015


Late Night From 01/14

Jimmy Kimmel Live
The IRS is warning that there could be long delays getting your tax refund this year because of budget cuts. They're expecting so many delays that they're renaming themselves the DMV.

The good news regarding the IRS budget cuts is that they also won't be auditing as many people. So if you've been thinking of claiming your pets as dependents this might be the year to do it.

President Obama is focused now on cyber security. He's pushing for new laws to protect companies from hackers. And who better to do that than the people who brought us the Obamacare website? Not only couldn't hackers get in, no one could penetrate it.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
Mitt Romney will reportedly address the Republican National Committee on Friday to talk about a possible third presidential run. It’s never a good sign when you have to start your speech with “Hear me out.”

Yesterday, during his domestic abuse trial, NASCAR driver Kurt Busch said he believes his ex-girlfriend is a CIA-trained assassin. I guess those are just the kinds of thoughts you have when you drive in circles for four hours.

New research suggests that the first human conversations may have been about tools. Which means the second human conversation was, “Hey, can I get back those tools you borrowed?”

A furniture store has been caught selling items with the slogan, “Made in Brooklyn,” but which are actually made in China. Although as far as I’m concerned, if I have to screw the legs on, it’s made in my apartment.

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
New Jersey Governor Chris Christie will begin fundraising for a potential 2016 presidential campaign by the end of January. No word on what his platform will be, but if I know Christie it'll be really strong, maybe double reinforced steel.

It’s rumored that Chris Christie and Mitt Romney are planning to meet to overcome any lingering awkwardness from the 2012 election. Incidentally, “Lingering Awkwardness” was actually Mitt Romney’s Secret Service code name.

A dog in Seattle is making news after commuters noticed it had been riding the bus to a local park all by itself. Everyone says the dog is amazing, while the dog said, panicking, “I gotta find that blind guy. I’m in a lot of trouble if I don’t find him.”

According to the magazine U.S. News and World Report, the best job in America is being a dentist. Which is interesting because a dentist’s office is the only place where people still read U.S. News and World Report.

Conan O'Brien
A congressman sent a tweet that compared president Obama to Adolf Hitler. He has now apologized. It's not helping that he apologized to Hitler.

Today in Sri Lanka, Pope Francis visited a Buddhist temple. When asked why, the Pope said, "Just keeping my options open. It's a dicey job market. You never know."

For the first time since 2007, the FDA Has approved a new device to treat obesity. The amazing breakthrough is called a vegetable.

The Late Show with David Letterman
Mitt Romney is running for president again. That will be attempt No. 3. Well, everybody needs a hobby. He's almost certainly running, and I'm almost certainly retiring, so I don't care.

Be careful if you go to Disneyland. There's an outbreak of measles. They have traced the disease to Donald Duck running around without his pants.

There was a flight from Cleveland to New York City with just two people on board. There hasn't been two people on an airplane since the Wright brothers.

John Boehner is a member of a country club in Ohio. It turns out that the bartender was plotting to poison Boehner. Now wait a minute. Isn't that the movie with Seth Rogen and James Franco?

Wed, May 06, 2015


Late Night From 01/15

Jimmy Kimmel Live
Nominees for the Academy Awards were announced this morning. They say this is the whitest Oscars since 1998 which explains why the ceremony this year will be broadcast from inside an Abercrombie and Fitch store.

Some people are complaining about a lack of diversity in this year's nominations but I have to say I happen to think that a nominee is like a snowflake. Each one is very different. And they're all white.

A lot of people are also very upset today that "The Lego Movie" didn't get nominated. That's because of all the films under consideration it is the only one that anyone has actually seen.

"Boyhood" is said to be the heavy favorite to win best picture. The groundbreaking film took 12 years to make but only three years to watch.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
This year's Oscar nomination pool is the least diverse collection of nominees since 1998. There are so many white nominees that Fox News agreed to host a debate.

Liam Neeson spoke out this week and said that he believes America has too many guns. And nearly all of them were used by Liam Neeson in "Taken 3."

Justin Bieber and Keith Richards reportedly hung out on New Year’s Eve. Wow, I can’t believe a musician that far past his prime was hanging out with Keith Richards.

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
Nominees for the 87th Academy Awards were announced this morning. The nominees called it an honor and a privilege while Meryl Streep called it "Thursday morning.”

Actually, there’s a little controversy this year over the fact that the acting nominations are made up entirely of white actors and actresses. Even the people in the J. Crew catalog said, “Yikes!”

Matthew McConaughey took a look at the nominees and said, "All white, all white, all white."

Senator Rand Paul reflected on Mitt Romney's potential 2016 campaign and said, “It's sort of what Einstein said, that the definition of insanity is to do the same thing over and over again and expect a different result.” When someone told him Einstein didn't actually say that, he said, "In the words of Gandhi, 'My bad.'"

Conan O'Brien
Oscar nominations came out today, and this year's Oscar nominations are being called the whitest in 19 years. Everybody's white that was nominated. Here's how white it is. I was nominated for best supporting actor.

Many are shocked that "The Lego Movie" was not nominated for best animated picture. Shocking because when you think about it the academy has a long tradition of honoring plastic people with frozen faces.

The film "Selma" was snubbed and some people are saying it's because of the film's historical inaccuracy. However, that theory was dismissed by the actress who played Coretta Scott King — Tara Reid.

Just days after Mitt Romney suggested he might run for president, there's been a backlash. The backlash is led by Jeb Bush, Mike Huckabee, and just to hedge his bets on every issue, Mitt Romney.

The Late Show with David Letterman
Welcome to the "Late Show" — 21 years in the making. It's like that movie "Boyhood" without all the positive reviews.

This morning the Academy Award nominations were announced. Meryl Streep once again was nominated. I thought she did a tremendous job as the Olympic wrestler.

"The Lego Movie" was snubbed. I think that's a good idea. I don't think they want to encourage any motion picture based on a choking hazard.

Rosie Perez, one of the hosts of "The View," may be leaving the show. I hope this doesn't screw up the chemistry.

Thu, May 07, 2015


Late Night From 01/19

Jimmy Kimmel Live
The matchup for the Super Bowl is set. The New England Patriots take on the defending champs, the Seattle Seahawks. Idina Menzel from the movie "Frozen" will sing the national anthem, and Katy Perry will perform at halftime. It's the first Super Bowl targeted specifically at 7-year-old girls.

Seattle was down 16-0 at the half. They came back to win in overtime. It was a devastating loss for Green Bay fans. And let me tell you something. There is no sadder sight than a man shedding a tear with a giant piece of cheese on his head.

The Patriots crushed the Colts 45-7. Reportedly the league is investigating New England for deflating footballs during the game. I guess if you take some of the air out of the football, it gives the offensive team an advantage in cold weather. The Patriots allegedly deflated the balls by telling them they're worthless and would never amount to anything.

The Patriots are denying they deflated the balls. Coach Bill Belichick said there was no tampering. He said all the needles they have are used strictly for injecting steroids.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
After "American Sniper" made $90 million this weekend, director Michael Moore tweeted yesterday that snipers aren't heroes. I don't know, Michael Moore. If you are that easy to spot, do you really want to make an enemy out of snipers?

This fall Pope Francis will host Mass at Madison Square Garden. And unlike the New York Knicks, he will have a prayer.

According to a new study, people who live near trees are richer, smarter, and healthier — and people who live in trees make more cookies.

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
I want to wish everyone a happy Martin Luther King Day. Most people celebrated by taking the day off of work. Except for the Indianapolis Colts, who did that yesterday.

The other big story is tomorrow’s State of the Union address. During President Obama's speech, one cabinet member will be asked to stay behind to run the government in case there is a crisis at the Capitol. At least that's what they're telling Biden.

The RNC released its first presidential debate schedule, which includes at least nine debates in different states across the country. As opposed to the Democratic debates, which will just be Hillary staring at her opponents until they burst into flames.

New York’s JFK Airport has plans to open the world’s first airport terminal for animals next year. Not to be outdone, LaGuardia has announced plans to finally open a terminal for humans.

Conan O'Brien
New England and Seattle are going to meet in the Super Bowl. I'm from New England and my wife is from Seattle. That means no matter who wins the Super Bowl, I lose.

According to a new poll, nearly six out of 10 Republicans want Mitt Romney to run for president. So do 10 out of 10 Democrats.

For the first time ever, "The View" was beaten in the ratings by another daytime show called "The Talk." However, both shows are losing viewers to something called the "Off button."

In Florida, a teenage boy was arrested for posing as a doctor. After hearing about it, Dr. Phil said, "Wait, it's illegal to pose as a doctor?"

Fri, May 08, 2015


Late Night From 01/20

Jimmy Kimmel Live
Today was the first day you could file a tax return. If you filed a tax return today, congratulations, nerd.

People who file their taxes on the first day are the grown-up version of the kids who ask the teacher for extra homework in school.

The IRS suggests filing early to reduce the chance that someone will steal your identity and file before you. Honestly, if somebody wants my identity so badly they'll file my tax return for me, go crazy. You can mow my lawn while you're at it, too.

There's a viral video of a girl twerking in a moving car. She ends up falling out of the car. Hopefully she's covered by twerker's compensation.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
Today Kim Kardashian revealed the cover photo for her new book “Selfish.” So if you love Kim Kardashian, and you love books . . . Well, no you don’t.

A new survey shows that most people trust Google more as a source for current events than traditional news outlets. Traditional news outlets didn't believe the news until they Googled it.

The British tabloid, The Mirror, published a story about a woman who faked her own death to break off a relationship after the man wouldn't leave her alone. Ahh, yes, the old "It's not you, I'm dead" approach.

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
Tonight President Obama gave the State of the Union address. Obama said he was more relaxed just because he's already done it so many times. Incidentally, Mitt Romney said the same thing about running for president.

The Obamas invited 22 guests to the speech, including a former Cuban prisoner, an astronaut, and a doctor. Either that or he was setting up the weirdest bar joke of all time.

There are reports that over 25 years after his death, the Liberace Foundation is working on a tour that features a hologram of Liberace. Even weirder, Hologram Liberace was one of the 22 people Obama invited to the State of the Union.

During a conference yesterday, Pope Francis spoke about birth control and said that Catholics don't have to breed like, quote, “rabbits.” The Pope knew it was getting out of hand when he had to baptize babies with a hose.

Conan O'Brien
A new study revealed Vermont businesses could benefit financially by legalizing marijuana. And by Vermont businesses I mean specifically Ben & Jerry's.

One of the latest trends is Starbucks weddings. That occurs when the line at Starbucks is so long you actually have time to meet someone, fall in love, and marry while you're there.

A new study says that children are suffering bad health effects from eating too much pizza. The study was explained in a pie chart which children immediately tried to eat.

Comedy Central announced they're going to be roasting Justin Bieber. The Bieber roast will start on March 7 and end sometime in June. There's a lot there.

Sat, May 09, 2015


Late Night From 01/21

Jimmy Kimmel Live
Today is National Hugging Day. It's a day that encourages people to hug more often. Why they have it in the middle of cold and flu season, I have no idea. I don't know if it was sponsored by Theraflu or what.

A-Rod — Alex Rodriguez — has reportedly training with none other than Barry Bonds to prepare for the upcoming baseball season. They're either training together or forming a league of baseball super-villains, I'm not sure which.

A-Rod was suspended last season for using performance-enhancing drugs and Barry Bonds is the godfather of that. This is baseball's version of when Jesse Pinkman got out of rehab on "Breaking Bad" and started working with Walter White again. Why would A-Rod do that, and how is it even possible that both their heads fit in the same room?

Kim Kardashian is releasing a book of selfies. They do say, "Write what you know." So the book is called "Selfish." The description on the publisher's website refers to Kim as a trailblazer of the selfie movement. Selfie movement? — this book is the whole selfie movement, OK? Other than that, there's no movement.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
Last night President Obama gave the State of the Union address, and I just have to say that I don't know what union he was describing. But I want to live there. I want to move. It sounds outstanding. There's a middle class. They have small businesses. It sounds great.

There's a new study out. We love new studies. We genuinely get excited about new studies, mostly because we don't have time to study things. We just want people to do the studies, and deliver us the results. And then we can, you know, make merry about them.

A new study suggests that having one glass of wine every night can have a positive effect on heart health. And no, Aunt Rita, they didn't say anything about the size of the glass. I'm sure your heart's fine by now, Aunt Rita. I hate when I use my time here to unload on Aunt Rita, but . . .

Yesterday a baby was born on a New York-bound flight three hours before landing. Serious question: Would you rather ride next to a baby a whole flight, or have the first half of the flight no baby but then the actual birthing of a baby? Because again, that's three hours of peace where there's just no baby. I'd like to see a study about that.

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
Last night was the State of the Union address, and everyone’s excited about the huge special appearance by a guy we haven't seen in a really long time: 2008 Barack Obama. That guy had swagger.

The president took a moment to wish astronaut Scott Kelly luck on his upcoming yearlong mission in space, and even said, “Make sure to Instagram it.” Obama loves Instagram because after six years with Biden it’s the one thing he can still put a filter on.

First lady Michelle Obama wore a suit to the State of the Union last night that apparently had also been worn by Julianna Margulies’ character on the “The Good Wife.” They both wore the same outfit, which is why Obama just passed an executive action ordering Us Weekly to say Michelle wore it better.

A new helicopter service called Gotham Air is now offering users cheap flights from Manhattan to JFK or Newark airports that start at just $99. If there's two words I trust together in the same sentence, it's “cheap” and “helicopter.”

Conan O'Brien
At the State of the Union address last night, President Obama made history by using the words transgender, lesbian, and bisexual in that speech. It was the part of the speech where he was just reading Craigslist personals.

In South Florida, Shaquille O'Neal has been sworn in as a reserve police officer. Personally, I can't wait until he works undercover.

Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg fell asleep during Obama's speech. She woke up with the other justices drawing a gavel on her face.

Sun, May 10, 2015


Late Night From 01/22

Jimmy Kimmel Live
Patriots quarterback Tom Brady was summoned to answer questions about the footballs that were mysteriously deflated in their game against the Colts. This was covered live on all the sports networks and also live on Fox News, CNN, MSNBC, ABC, and a bunch of local channels. You would think Tom Brady had killed the president's dog.

If the Patriots are found to have underinflated the balls they might lose draft picks, and the league could take away coach Bill Belichick's favorite hoodie.

Deflate-gate isn't the only thing in Boston now. Boston is the city chosen to vie for the Summer Olympics in 2024. Mayor Walsh is prohibiting city employees from making negative comments about the games or the process. That seems unnecessary. If people from Boston are known for anything, it's for keeping their opinions to themselves, right?

There's a documentary airing on TLC called "My Husband Is Not Gay." It's about women whose husbands aren't gay. Wouldn't that be most women?

Late Night With Seth Meyers
CNN is developing a game show to be hosted by Anderson Cooper. It will be just like the other CNN shows except the contestants will make wild guesses instead of the news anchors.

The Jamaican government is considering a bill to decriminalize marijuana. But first they have to get over the shock of finding out it was illegal in the first place.

According to a new report, there are still five people alive today who were born in the 1800s. Even crazier, every one of them was re-elected this November.

The burger chain, Carl's Jr., is causing some controversy with its ad for an all-natural burger that features a woman walking naked through a farmers market. Apparently Carl's Jr. customers were offended by the sight of a farmers market.

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
Vice President Joe Biden said he has privately met with 17 Republican senators at his home to try and connect on issues like tax reform. Biden asked what he can do to speed up negotiations, while Democrats asked, “Does this door lock from the outside?”

One of the most Googled questions during this week's State of the Union address was, “How much does the president make?” When he saw it was $400,000 a year, Mitt Romney said, “I'm out!”

As gas prices continue to drop, 28 states are now selling regular gasoline for less than $2 a gallon. It's getting cheaper to pump two gallons of gas outside the station than it is to pump two squirts of nacho cheese inside.

New Kids on the Block announced they are going back on tour in May. Wait, the New Kids are touring, gas is at two bucks a gallon, and we may have another round of Bush vs. Clinton for president. If I get home and find a stack of free AOL CDs in the mail, then I'm pretty sure I just traveled through time.

Conan O'Brien
California officials want to contain a measles outbreak that originated in Disneyland last month. They are in luck because everyone who is exposed to it is still in line at Space Mountain.

Musician Kid Rock came under fire for posting a photo of himself holding a cougar that he had just killed. People were outraged until they realized the cougar was one of the "Real Housewives of Orange County."

Doctors say that your attention span is like a muscle that can be strengthened. I didn't read the rest of the article because I saw a shiny thing.

Mon, May 11, 2015


Late Night From 01/23

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
President Obama said that if he could have any superpower, he’d want the ability to speak any language. That's so everyone in the world could tell him he picked one of the lamest possible superpowers.

Four-time NASCAR Sprint Cup champion Jeff Gordon announced that this will be his final season of racing. You could tell it was time for him to retire during his last race when he had his blinker on the whole time.

SkyMall’s parent company has filed for bankruptcy, which could mean the end of the catalog. Airline passengers were really upset. They said, "Now what am I gonna spit my gum into?"

Tue, May 12, 2015


Late Night From 01/26

Conan O'Brien
The Northeast is being hit with a major snowstorm. Forecasters said they've haven't seen a whiteout like this since last week's Oscar nominations.

In France, a court ruled that a couple cannot name their baby "Nutella." The court said a name like that can only lead to teasing. So the couple has moved on to their second choice — Conan.

A company has developed a coffee that can help you fall asleep. It's called the Cosby-chino.

Late Show with David Letterman

They're talking' about the blizzard-like conditions in New York City. I'm no expert, but isn't that a blizzard? If you have blizzard-like conditions, why not go all the way — it's a blizzard!

A big question all the New Yorkers have, and they're talking three or four feet of snow, is: How will the Chinese food delivery get through?

Jimmy Kimmel Live
Last night in Miami was the 63rd annual Miss Universe Pageant. The winner this year was Miss Colombia, and the loser was women everywhere else.

SkyMall is going out of business. The company filed for bankruptcy. They were forced to file for bankruptcy when it was declared they have never sold an item.

If SkyMall goes down, this will have a dramatic effect, mostly on passengers who need a place to put their gum when they're on the plane.

SkyMall was the premier shopping destination for people who just drank four tiny bottles of Jim Beam.

Wed, May 13, 2015


Late Night From 01/27

Conan O'Brien
Today President Obama is in the Middle East. He met the new king of Saudi Arabia. Obama also met Saudi Arabia's first lady, the second lady, third lady, and fourth lady.

In a speech today, President Obama said that Michelle Obama is very strong and talented and she frequently tells him that he is wrong. As a result, Michelle Obama is now the Republican front-runner for 2016.

President Obama said the small drone that flew over the White House fence yesterday could be bought at any RadioShack. After hearing this, the RadioShack CEO said, "I'm shocked to find out we still sell something people want."

Today, the Apple iPad turns five years old. So it's official. The iPad is as old as the people who make it.

Late Show with David Letterman

Yesterday was going to be a historic blizzard. And when you get information like this, you make mistakes. Boy, is my face red. Last night, at the last minute before the supermarket closed, I wrestled a lady for the last Lean Cuisine.

The blizzard was a huge nonevent and, of course, the next big nonevent is the Super Bowl.

More bad news for the New England Patriots. The NFL now has video of those deflated footballs alone in an elevator with Ray Rice.

In the last 48 hours King Abdullah from Saudi Arabia passed away. I have a moral dilemma. The king passed away three or four days ago. Is it too soon to hit on Queen Latifah?

Jimmy Kimmel Live
With all the bad weather, people are expecting to be cooped up. Some have been turning to Craigslist to find blizzard companions. As a general rule, if you wouldn't sleep on a futon you found on Craigslist, you probably shouldn't sleep with a person you found there either.

If you want to go to the Super Bowl in Phoenix, it will cost you a lot of money, double what they were last year. The average asking price is around $6,000 per ticket. Do people not know the game is on television this year?

On eBay, a group of four Super Bowl tickets is going for $51,000. Although to be fair, that price includes a full-body rubdown from stadium security.

Thu, May 14, 2015


Late Night From 02/02

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
We are so excited to be in Los Angeles. Everyone says it’s so different out here, but it’s actually not that different from New York. For instance, the Spider-Man down on Hollywood Boulevard was just as drunk as the one in Times Square.

There's a lot of controversy out here over the recent Measles outbreak, because a lot of people never got any shots. Or as Kobe Bryant's teammates put it, “Been there.”

Everyone is still talking about the Super Bowl. The big story is undrafted rookie Malcolm Butler, who made the game-winning interception for the New England Patriots. Even Malcolm Butler said, "Who?"

Mitt Romney announced that he is no longer considering running for president in 2016. As opposed to those other guys who forgot about running — the Seattle Seahawks.

The Late Show with David Letterman
Wasn't that crazy, the Super Bowl? It was so exciting, what I did when the Domino's guy showed up, I gave him a huge tip to stay and watch the game with me.

If you're a Seahawks fan, that game was more depressing than that nationwide insurance commercial.

I think the Seahawks should have given the ball to Marshawn Lynch. That would have shut him up. Katy Perry could have run it in for a touchdown.

In addition to being the winning Super Bowl quarterback, Tom Brady now has a brand-new pickup truck. I guess we'll have to sit through the whole thing about whether his tires are properly inflated.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
An amazing Super Bowl last evening. The New England Patriots and the Seattle Seahawks both defeated the Seattle Seahawks.

It really was an incredible game. And even though the Patriots won, you really have to hand it to Marshawn Lynch. Don't think about it. Just hand it to Marshawn Lynch.

Tom Brady was named Super Bowl MVP and was given a new Chevy truck. Brady says the truck handles great, especially after he let some air out of the tires.

According to a new study, 1 in 3 children in the United States have divorced parents. While the other two-thirds are the only reason their parents are staying together.

Fri, May 15, 2015


Late Night From 02/03

The Late Show with David Letterman
Big bulletin from Phoenix: Katy Perry's robotic tiger is loose in downtown Phoenix.

Over 114 million people watched the Super Bowl. No wonder I had nobody to talk to about "Downton Abbey."

Charles Manson was going to get married. He's 80 years old, and serving a life sentence in prison. Well, the marriage is off. And today I saw that his profile was back on eHarmony.

Mitt Romney is not going to run for president. Mitt said it's time for fresh faces. So that's good news for Bruce Jenner.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
Harper Lee announced today that she will release a sequel to "To Kill a Mockingbird,” which was published in 1960. Apparently she releases a new book every time the measles comes back.

I think the sequel to "To Kill a Mockingbird” might be a little gimmicky though, because the new book is called, “Atticus Finch and the Goblet of Fire.”

Kim Kardashian said during a Q & A yesterday that she'd like to take a selfie with Jesus. Though I think most people would say that Jesus has suffered enough.

The marriage license for Charles Manson and his 26-year-old bride is set to expire unless they get married by Thursday. I don't know. If I were Charles Manson and a girl wanted to marry me, I might think that's a red flag.

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
During an interview last weekend, President Obama was talking about the next race for president and refused to choose between Hillary Clinton and Joe Biden, saying quote, “Love 'em both.” Which was nice until he said he’d support the nominee, regardless of who she is.

Yesterday Obama presented a $4 trillion budget that he says would help the middle class. Then the middle class said, “You know what? How about you just give us the $4 trillion? We'll figure out what to do with it.”

President Obama unveiled a $4 trillion budget for 2016 that would increase taxes on the wealthy and spend more money on education. He also made a snowball and put it in the oven, just to see which would last longer, his budget or the snowball.

Charles Manson's marriage license is expiring this week. Which means that he will have to reapply if he still wants to marry his girlfriend or, you know, he could just break the law.

Conan O'Brien
Harper Lee, the author of "To Kill a Mockingbird," is publishing her second novel after a 55-year hiatus. This one is called "Mock 2: Mock Harder."

Boston postponed a victory celebration for the New England Patriots due to a record-breaking winter storm. The storm was supposed to hit Seattle but at the last second New England jumped in the way.

Jeb Bush admitted that he smoked a notable amount of pot in school. He said, "You would too if your parents had named you 'Jeb.'"

Sat, May 16, 2015


Late Night From 02/04

The Late Show with David Letterman
Lance Armstrong and his girlfriend were out at a party and he accidentally banged into two parked cars. So then he told the cops that his girlfriend was driving. That's the kind of thing that can hurt the man's image.

Cops took Lance Armstrong downtown and frisked him — or as they call it, the "Tour de Lance."

Mitt Romney is not going to be running for president. So you know what that means. We are getting closer and closer to “President Trump.”

I like Mitt Romney. He looks like the guy who comes with the picture frame.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
The city of Boston today held its Super Bowl victory parade. Meanwhile, the city of Seattle held Seahawks coach Pete Carroll out a window by his ankles.

Staples has reached a deal to buy Office Depot for $6.3 billion. While RadioShack has reached a deal to buy an old futon on Craigslist.

The new Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue comes out next week. That's especially exciting news for guys who don't know about the Internet.

Last weekend a Washington, D.C., couple allegedly left their toddlers in a freezing car for an hour while they were at a wine tasting. The couple has been described as neglectful with notes of endangerment and a lazy reprehensible finish.

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
Hillary Clinton is weighing in on the measles outbreak. She tweeted: "The Earth is round, the sky is blue, and vaccines work." She didn't stop there. She also tweeted, "Fire is hot, ice is cold, and the Seahawks should have handed the ball off to Marshawn Lynch."

The CDC announced that there are currently 102 measles cases in the U.S. Some say it’s because people aren't vaccinating their children. You can tell things are getting bad. Today Disneyland opened a new ride called "It's a Smallpox World.”

Remember that dancing shark from Katy Perry’s Super Bowl halftime show? A guy in Colorado actually got a tattoo of the shark. That story again: Weed is still legal in Colorado.

Conan O'Brien
Tom Brady says he wants to give the truck he was given as the Super Bowl MVP to the guy who won the Super Bowl for the Patriots. So Brady's giving his truck to Seahawks coach Pete Carroll.

Health officials are saying the number of measles cases that originated in Disneyland continues to grow. Which is why this year after the game the Super Bowl MVP shouted, "No way am I going to Disneyland!"

Staples has agreed to buy Office Depot for $6 billion. The funny thing is they just popped in there to buy envelopes and then they just got carried away.

Johnny Depp is getting married this weekend. It'll be a small wedding, just the people who saw "Mortdecai."

Sun, May 17, 2015


Late Night From 02/05

The Late Show with David Letterman
Earlier today I read that drinking whiskey can cure a cold. I was fighting a cold last night until 4 a.m. Do you know what I'm saying?

Over the weekend, Tour de France winner Lance Armstrong and his girlfriend plowed into a parked car. The cops got them but Lance talked his girlfriend into saying she was driving and she took the rap. They wrote her a ticket. DWI — driving with an idiot.

Lance Armstrong hit two parked cars. In legal parlance that's known as a "Double Lohan."

The world's oldest man turned 112. I'll tell you something — at 112 years old, even that guy could have carried the ball and scored for the Seahawks.

Jimmy Kimmel Live
Did you know that today is National Weatherpersons Day? No, you didn't. Even weatherpersons don't know that it's National Weatherpersons Day.

This is the day when we pay tribute to the men and women who bravely stand out in the middle of the fiercest, most brutal winter storms, risking their lives for absolutely no reason whatsoever. And for National Weatherpersons Day, everything I say tonight will be half wrong.

Starbucks is going to start carrying coconut milk. If you want to stay competitive in the coffee business you've got to consistently provide your customers with new ways to make their orders more annoying.

Girl Scout Cookie season goes until March. What are the ethics of setting your daughter up to sell cookies outside a medical marijuana store?

Late Night With Seth Meyers
At today’s National Prayer Breakfast, President Obama and the Dalai Lama avoided a direct meeting. Uh-oh, sounds like there may be some Obama-Lama drama.

Green Bay Packers defensive tackle Letroy Guion was arrested this week with 357 grams of marijuana, an unloaded gun, and nearly $200,000 in cash in his car during a traffic stop. And you know what that means — the NFL offseason has officially begun.

Researchers have found that there are more than 15,000 types of genetic material found on New York City subways. This beats the previous record held by Aerosmith’s tour bus.

Seattle Seahawks coach Pete Carroll admitted this week that he's cried and lost sleep thinking about his controversial pass call at the Super Bowl. He just keeps running it over and over in his head. Well, actually he keeps passing it over and over.

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
Thank you so much, Los Angeles. We had a great time out here. I'm not sure if L.A.'s rubbed off on me, but I just changed my name to Jim Faldashian.

It's been a really fun four-day road trip, or what you guys would call "driving home from work."

Ferrari just debuted a new muscle car that can go from zero to 124 miles per hour in under nine seconds. Drivers here in L.A. said, "How fast can it go from zero to 3 miles an hour? Because that's really as fast as you can go here."

Conan O'Brien
House Speaker John Boehner said the Republican Party will no longer stand in the way of gay marriage. Then Boehner said, "Now can I go to Elton John's Oscar party?"

Over 100 Native American tribes have expressed interest in growing marijuana. This is according to Native American spokesman "Relaxing Eagle."

Scientists have discovered that a 5,000-year-old mummy is covered with at least 60 tattoos. Scientists are calling him the earliest known member of the NBA.

Brian Williams of NBC News has admitted he embellished a story about being in a helicopter that was shot at in Iraq. Williams says the helicopter part was true but it was a coin-operated helicopter outside of a Chuck E. Cheese. It was in a bad part of Connecticut.

Mon, May 18, 2015


Late Night From 02/06

The Late Show with David Letterman
Welcome to the program. And here we are again in the beautiful Ed Sullivan Theater where 51 years ago the Beatles made their first appearance. Right here, 51 years ago — now look what you get.

If you remember the Beatles, then you should ask your doctor if Cialis is right for you.

The only good thing to know about Charles Manson is he's in prison for the rest of his life. He was going to get married. Well, guess what? The marriage has been called off. Well, what happened? The bride finally Googled him.

Manson decided he wasn't ready to get married after talking it over with the voices in his head.

Tue, May 19, 2015


Late Night From 02/09

Jimmy Kimmel Live
Iggy Azalea had a rough weekend. Not only didn't she win a Grammy, but she's in a fight with Papa John's pizza. She ordered a pizza and the delivery guy gave her phone number to his friends. You know you're a white rapper when your big beef is with Papa John's.

They're saying this is the biggest rapper's pizza feud since Chuck D. versus Chuck E. back in '91.

Rosie O'Donnell is leaving "The View" again. She treats that show like it's a time share in San Diego.

Rosie says she's leaving "The View" to focus on her health. She said her doctors were concerned about all the stress that working an hour a day puts on the body.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
The Grammys were last night. It's the one night of the year where fans both young and old gather around their TVs to say, "Who is that?

Charles Manson and his fiancee have called off their engagement after he found out that she had plans to put his body on public display after his death. Man, it's like every time he meets a girl, she turns out to be crazy.

Samsung is warning customers that their new line of smart TVs can collect and share personal information — and yet they still cut off the recording of your favorite show 30 seconds before the end.

A woman in Florida gave birth to a baby weighing in at 14.1 pounds. So I guess the question is: a baby what?

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
Last night was the long-awaited return of “The Walking Dead” — or as some people call it, "The 57th Annual Grammy Awards."

AC/DC received criticism after they used a teleprompter for their own song during the opening of the Grammys. I don't want to say they're getting old, but when they sing “Highway to Hell,” they leave their right blinker on the whole time.

Pharrell Williams won the Grammy for Best Music Video and Best Pop Solo Performance for his song “Happy.” When asked how he felt about the win, he said, “Content."

According to a recent survey, 12 percent of Americans say that it's fine to cheat a little on your taxes. While the other 88 percent know not to talk to a guy with a clipboard asking them if they cheat on their taxes.

Conan O'Brien
Did you watch the Grammys last night? There were some surprise winners. Brian Williams won a Grammy for Best Spoken Word in the fiction category. At least, I think he did. That's what he told me.

Last night at the Grammys, audience members reported smelling a lot of marijuana in the audience, which may explain why the Grammy for Best Song went to the jingle for Hot Pockets.

The inventor of the soy sauce dispenser bottle has passed away. He actually died months ago but was just found in the back of the fridge.

An old pair of shoes once owned by Justin Bieber has sold on eBay for $50,000. To be honest, they're a little tight on me.

The Late Show with David Letterman
Big night at the Grammys — most of the conversation backstage was about the merger of Staples and Office Depot. As long as I can still get a clipboard and a hole puncher, that's all I care about.

At the White House today was Angela Merkel from Germany. She showed up riding on a huge robotic tiger.

President Obama met with Germany's chancellor Angela Merkel. She was at the Grammys last night visiting her daughter Iggy Merkel.

The AARP — the American Association of Retired Persons — has a magazine that comes out once a month. You know who reads that magazine? Old people and their parents.

Wed, May 20, 2015


Late Night From 02/10

Jimmy Kimmel Live
According to a new report, almost 100 percent of connected cars — cars with bluetooth and the smart things in them — are vulnerable to hackers. The hackers can steal your data and control your vehicle. In other words, there's never been a better time to own a 2002 Windstar.

Toyota is testing a new car that's slightly smaller than a person. They call it a fusion of a motorcycle and electric compact car. It sounds like this car could be totaled by a squirrel.

The movie "Fifty Shades of Grey" is showing on 75 IMAX screens across the country. Sorry kids, but the new SpongeBob movie had to move to the little theater so your mom and aunt can have dirty time together.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
After the Northeast was hit with a second major snowstorm yesterday, meteorologists are predicting even more snow will come on Thursday. So I think we all know what we have to do. We have to kill that groundhog.

Starbucks has confirmed that saxophone star Kenny G. helped create the Frappuccino. And that, by the way, was voted the world's whitest sentence ever uttered.

Kenny G. helped to create the Frappuccino while pop star Ariana Grande was named after one.

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
Chinese President Xi Jinping is planning to make his first official state visit to the U.S. Although I’m worried it'll be a little awkward when he visits a school and says, “This factory is terrible.”

It was revealed that back in 2011 Michael Jordan was signing a poster for Obama’s 50th birthday but spelled the president’s name wrong. The president made sure Jordan's name was spelled right when he had him audited by the IRS.

We have “Fifty Shades of Grey” star Dakota Johnson on the show tonight. In a new interview, her mom, actress Melanie Griffith, said she does not plan on seeing the movie. But in her defense, that's what everyone's mom is saying.

This week is the 10th anniversary of Google Maps. Or as 10-year-olds call them, “maps.”

Conan O'Brien
Despite the Brian Williams lying scandal, NBC News led in the ratings last week. Although I should note the figures were reported by Brian Williams.

There's a rumor that NBC is going to have Tom Brokaw fill in temporarily as the NBC News anchor. When asked why, a network spokesperson said, "Because the only other NBC person we have is Bill Cosby."

It's been reported that Beyoncé wore $10 million worth of jewels to the Grammys. When asked why, Beyoncé said, "I didn't want to bring the good stuff."

Two members of the Village People are in court to battle over who wrote some of their hits, like "YMCA." It's the landmark case of Cop vs. Indian Chief.

The Late Show with David Letterman
Presidential hopeful Jeb Bush has released all of his emails. I'd like to release all of my emails. I've got nothing but emails about low-cost funerals and Viagra.

Pope Francis is going to go to Washington, D.C., to address Congress. He believes the New England Patriots have been deflating his giant hat.

Justin Bieber turned 21. This is great. The kid will finally get to have his first beer.

Neil Armstrong's widow was going through his closet and she found a bunch of things that he brought back with him from the moon, including some souvenirs. And I thought: Wait a minute, there's a gift shop on the moon?

Thu, May 21, 2015


Late Night From 02/11
Part 1

Jimmy Kimmel Live
NBC suspended Brian Williams for six months without pay for misrepresenting a story of something that happened to him 12 years ago in Iraq. I have a solution. They should send him up in a helicopter, fire an RPG at it, and if he makes it down, that's enough. He's forgiven.

Brian already has been on a self-imposed leave of absence from NBC, reportedly planning to spend his six months away at home with his wife, Wendy Williams.

This year men will spend an average of $116 on Valentine's Day. And women will spend around $77. In other words, guys, unless you have the good sense to be gay you're getting ripped off.

The Powerball jackpot is at $500 million as of tonight. If you win, take the lump sum — about $337.8 million. That is the most money you can make for doing nothing, short of becoming a Kardashian.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
A lawmaker in Tennessee is pushing to make the Bible the official state book. It would replace Tennessee’s current state book, the menu at Cracker Barrel.

A woman was arrested after she admitted to purchasing gasoline, driving to her ex-boyfriend’s house, and using it to set his new girlfriend’s car on fire. She’s now facing five years in prison and up to three Country Music Awards.

A man in Florida was charged with possession of marijuana after police noticed a “green leafy substance” all over his sweater. But then they realized it was kale and they shot him.

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
A tell-all book by David Axelrod, one of President Obama's former strategists, reveals that Obama chose Joe Biden as his VP because of his energy and enthusiasm. You know, the qualities you look for in someone whose main job is traveling to state funerals.

Obama chose Joe Biden as his VP because of his energy and enthusiasm. Wait, those are the same reasons he picked his dog, Bo.

Axelrod also said in his new book that Obama lied to Americans to get votes in 2008 when he said he opposed gay marriage. Of course, Republicans have already turned it into a scandal: BenGayZi. It's trending right now.

Conan O'Brien
NBC has suspended Brian Williams for six months without pay. Williams said he's not worried because soon his veterans benefits will kick in.

A new report says that last year Colorado collected $44 million in marijuana taxes. Unfortunately, they can't remember where they put it.

Charles Manson has officially broken off his engagement to his 27-year-old fiancee. When asked why, Manson said, "Her mother was a total psycho."

The Late Show with David Letterman
I was going over a memo earlier today, and I found out that it turns out I'm not retiring. My hair is retiring.

Good luck finding a place to park in New York City. And when you do, good luck figuring out the parking signs, restrictions, and prohibitions. It is so complicated. It has gotten so bad, I never park my car without a lawyer.

I was backstage talking to the Super Bowl's winning coach, Bill Belichick. We were standing there looking in a mirror and we agreed that we look like those two old guys who used to heckle the Muppets.

We invited Pete Carroll, coach of the Seahawks, to be on the show, but he passed.

Fri, May 22, 2015


Late Night From 02/12

The Late Show with David Letterman
Once again it's Fashion Week here in New York City. The top models of the day are very, very skinny. I did the math on this — it takes about a dozen models to actually create a shadow.

It's Valentine's Day this weekend. Valentine's Day is named for St. Valentine, and Groundhog Day is named for St. Groundhog.

The Waffle House is running a special candlelight Valentine's Day dinner. Plastic menus with pictures of waffles, sticky table tops — I mean, that's amore.

A woman in Manhattan went into a seafood restaurant, bit into a hunk of fish and got a fish hook in her mouth. I hate when you go into a restaurant and you're the catch of the day.

Jimmy Kimmel Live
Pot growers in the state of Washington have a problem. Supply there has outstripped demand and they have a lot more marijuana than they can sell. I find it surprising that the marijuana industry did not crunch the numbers properly. That's not like them at all.

Washington has more pot than they can smoke, which might help to explain why Pete Carroll called for a passing play on the 1 yard line.

The pot surplus is so bad in Washington right now that the governor is saying they may have to deploy Willie Nelson to the area.

Researchers at the University of Vermont determined that the world's happiest language is Spanish. German finished fourth, which I find hard to believe. In German, even "I love you" sounds like a threat.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
Ukrainian officials say that while Vladimir Putin was announcing a ceasefire agreement today, over a hundred Russian military vehicles and weapons crossed into Ukrainian territory. Said Putin, “Is not Ukraine. Is My-kraine.”

Thousands of San Francisco residents may have been exposed to measles because an infected LinkedIn employee used public transit this week. But on the bright side, it’s the most connections anyone on LinkedIn has ever made.

A new study shows that drivers high on marijuana are less dangerous than drunk drivers. The study shows the biggest issue is marijuana users waiting for the stop sign to turn green.

Sat, May 23, 2015


Late Night From 02/16

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
There's a massive snowstorm here. And New England got so much snow yesterday that meteorologists referred to it as 12 hours of hell. I thought 12 hours of hell in New England was just asking somebody for directions.

Congress is considering a law that would allow commuters to bring their dogs and cats on Amtrak trains. It's all part of their plan to make Amtrak smell better.

Last night was the big "Saturday Night Live" 40th anniversary show. Last night reminded me of all the fun I had doing that show. And waking up this afternoon reminded me why I don't do it anymore.

The Late Show with David Letterman
New York City has gone 12 days without a murder. Why have we had no murders in 12 days? The only thing I can think of is the ground is too frozen to dig shallow graves.

I like cold weather, but it was so cold over the weekend I turned 50 shades of blue.

At the NBA All-Star Game, the West beat the East 163-158, but the loss will be credited to the New York Knicks.

The Westminster Kennel Club's dog show is also this week. They say it's a predictor of the Academy Awards.

Jimmy Kimmel Live
I had a very romantic Valentine's Day. Just me and my wife and an all-new "48 Hours Mystery."

Last night was "The Bachelor: Chris Tells All" special. But I don't feel like he told all. I feel that he told some.

Benedict Cumberbatch is here with us tonight. He got married on Saturday. For some reason he's spending his honeymoon here with me.

I wonder if Benedict Cumberbatch's wife is taking his last name. That would be an act of true love.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
Two more women have come forward to accuse Bill Cosby of sexual assault, bringing the total to . . . he did it.

New research shows that alcohol may actually help elderly women live longer. Of course, that research is based entirely on Betty White at last night's "Saturday Night Live" after-party.

I worked at "SNL" for years and went to all the after-parties. The biggest difference between doing "SNL" on a Saturday night and going to the after-party, and doing it on a Sunday night and going to the after-party, is how much harder it is to come to work on Monday.

Sun, May 24, 2015


Late Night From 02/17

Jimmy Kimmel Live
It's like 70 degrees here in L.A. today, but I think it was no degrees on the East Coast. They had to close federal offices in Washington, D.C., so Congress was forced to get nothing done from home today.

Mardi Gras is here. It's the time of excess and debauchery before the beginning of Lent. It's like we better have fun before Jesus Day.

According to a recent study, couples that appear to be happy on Facebook are happy. I don't buy it. Nobody's as happy as they look like they are on Facebook.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
Last night during a speech, Chris Christie said, "There's only one Chris Christie, and this is it." I don't know. It still looks like at least two.

A recent poll shows that New Jersey residents feel Hillary Clinton has the "right look" to be president, while Chris Christie does not. Then today, Christie was spotted at JCPenney, trying on pantsuits.

Of the 20 new measles cases reported this afternoon, 18 are linked to Disneyland. Wow. Small world.

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
The East Coast is experiencing one of the worst winters in history. Schools have had a record number of snow days. The only math kids are doing is how many glasses of wine their mom drinks before 2 p.m.

President Obama spent Monday playing a round of golf in sunny California, and then flew back to Washington on Air Force One. And 10,000 people stranded at Boston's Logan Airport just became Republicans.

Yesterday a federal judge suspended President Obama's executive order on immigration. When asked if he's mad about being overruled, Obama said, "You know I've been married for 23 years, right?"

First lady Michelle Obama revealed that she has banned boxed macaroni and cheese from the White House. It's been tough on Biden because he couldn't make his wife any jewelry for Valentine's Day.

Conan O'Brien
I spent the past four days in Cuba shooting a special episode of this show. I returned and today House Speaker Nancy Pelosi arrived in Cuba, which explains why the Cuban government asked America to "please stop sending us your ambiguously popular celebrities."

I had an amazing experience in Cuba. People there are fantastic. But I do have to say it's very nice to be back home in front of all of you capitalist pigs.

There's a new device that allows airline passengers to completely isolate themselves from their row mates. The device is called a baby.

There's a rumor that the San Diego Chargers might move to Los Angeles. The Chargers could be here for the 2016 season or the 2017 season, depending on traffic.

The Late Show with David Letterman
The Westminster Kennel Club's dog show is going on in Madison Square Garden. What a tremendous event. This year it is hosted by Neil Patrick Harris' dog.

I want to tell you something about that dog show. If I want to see rolling over and playing dead at Madison Square Garden, I'll go to a Knicks game.

Alex Rodriguez is back with the New York Yankees. He was suspended for an entire season when they found out he was lying about the Tour de France.

Mon, May 25, 2015


Late Night From 02/18

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
In the Northeast it's just ice cold. Officials are worried all the snow and freezing temperatures could really put a strain on hospitals. Not now, but in nine months when every woman in Boston is giving birth at the same time.

The mayor of Boston actually had to issue a statement yesterday telling residents to stop jumping from their second-story windows and rooftops into giant piles of snow. Do not do that at home unless you have a camera ready.

Chris Christie addressed recent stories about his change in personality and said, “There's only one Chris Christie.” He said the only time there are two Chris Christies is when he's buying seats on a plane.

There's a 37-year-old woman from Utah who's trying to break the Guinness world record for most bridal bouquet catches after she just caught her 46th bouquet. That's in addition to that other record she holds — most Ben & Jerry's eaten on Valentine's Day.

Conan O'Brien
President Obama has appointed a new head of the Secret Service. The new Secret Service director was so excited that he jumped over the White House fence for joy.

The restaurant chain Salad Works has filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy. Analysts attribute the failure to it being a salad restaurant located in America.

The USDA has approved the first genetically modified apples that don't turn brown after being sliced open. The no-browning apples are being called groundbreaking, revolutionary, and slightly racist.

The 1990s' rapper Vanilla Ice has been arrested on burglary charges. Ice's lawyers say they can prove their client's innocence, but not his relevance.

The Late Show with David Letterman
Maybe some of you folks were here for the dog show. We have a brand new champion. And as usual, the dog from Kenya won.

They had a lot of exotic dogs at the dog show, like for example the English Cumberbatch.

One of the dogs in the competition, a Portuguese Water Dog, is related to President Obama's dog, Bo. But they only see each other at funerals and weddings.

Baseball is around the corner and the Yankees have their hands full with Alex Rodriguez. He was suspended for all of last year from baseball, and the Yankees paid him $3 million. By God, that will teach him.

Jimmy Kimmel Live
It's a big day for Catholics today. It's Ash Wednesday. Thank you for not giving me up for Lent.

Little Caesars is about to deliver a bacon-wrapped deep dish pizza. It's a pizza with three and a half feet of bacon wrapped around it. I think we've reached a point as Americans where normal pizza has become too healthy for us.

Regular pizza is now salad compared to pizza wrapped in bacon. We had to up the ante.

We will not stop until we've created a pizza that leaps out of the box and pulls our hearts directly out of our chests.

Tue, May 26, 2015


Late Night From 02/19

Jimmy Kimmel Live
As an advance warning, if I pass out tonight it's because I'm starving myself to fit into my Oscar gown on Sunday.

Sunday night on ABC is the 87th annual Academy Awards. It is by far the most glamorous parking nightmare of the year here in Hollywood.

Gallup, the polling company, released its annual well-being index where they rank the health and happiness of residents of each of the 50 states. Alaska finished first and Hawaii was No. 2. It's interesting that the top two happiest states are the ones that are farthest away from the rest of us.

Right now in Long Beach, the U.S. Coffee Championships are going on. You will never see a more excited group of fans than at the U.S. Coffee Championships. I don't know where they get their energy.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
Rapper Vanilla Ice told reporters that his arrest this week for burglarizing an abandoned house is all a misunderstanding. Apparently he misunderstood how long his "Ice Ice Baby" money would last.

Photoshop is turning 25 this week. Well actually, it’s turning 38 but it looks 25.

Yesterday Marvel Comics released its first-ever comic series featuring a female Asian-American superhero, named "Silk." Said Silk's parents, "You could have been a doctor."

TLC is reportedly working on a spinoff of "Here Comes Honey Boo Boo." They're calling it "You People Will Watch Anything."

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
Jeb Bush gave a speech yesterday. He had a pretty rough time. He accidentally said that ISIS has 200,000 men instead of 20,000, and then he mispronounced the name of the terrorist group Boko Haram. So if history has taught us anything, Jeb is well on his way to winning the White House.

During a trial in Brooklyn this week, it was revealed that a member of al-Qaida posed as a woman to attract less attention from authorities. It would have worked better if he had remembered to shave his beard.

A new Dr. Seuss book is coming out in July. It has been over 20 years since he passed away. I'm not saying it's a bit spooky, but the book is called "The Ghost Who Wrote the Most."

Rapper Vanilla Ice was arrested and charged with burglary after breaking into a house in Florida. That's right. Someone had his stuff stolen by Vanilla Ice. And then Queen and David Bowie said, "Been there."

Conan O'Brien
Yesterday during a speech on national security, Jeb Bush mispronounced Boko Haram and got confused between Iran and Iraq. When reached for comment, his brother George W. said, "He sure sounds presidentiary to me."

The Oscars are this Sunday. Host Neil Patrick Harris said he hopes the broadcast will include a "Kanye moment." Unfortunately a Kanye moment may not be possible because that would require a black person to be at the Oscars.

Starbucks has launched a home delivery service. It's perfect for anyone too lazy to walk one block in any direction.

Little Caesars has introduced a giant, deep-dish pizza with a crust wrapped in three feet of bacon. Two hours ago Pizza Hut surrendered.

The Late Show with David Letterman
Do you know who is ready to go with the presidential campaign? Jeb Bush. Jeb already has plans to end the war in Iraq that his brother started. All he needs is a hot tub time machine.

It's going to be different this year for the New York Yankees. Derek Jeter has retired. He wanted to spend more time with his money.

It's the beginning of Lent, the time when you give up things that are important to you. The New York Knicks have just given up.

Sunday is the Academy Awards. Every time an actor says, "I didn't expect this," Ruth Bader Ginsburg will do a shot.

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