Jokes of the day

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Fri, Mar 06, 2015

#3176

Late Night From 12/09/14
Part 1

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
A man in Dublin punched a hole in a $10 million painting by Claude Monet. And today he was sentenced to five years in prison. For punching a painting? There are going to be more fists going where they shouldn't.

Why would an Irish dude walk into a museum and punch a Monet? If he punched a Rothko, I'd understand. Am I right, art majors?

I don't care for Mark Rothko or Jackson Pollock. That impressionist stuff started with Marcel Duchamp. I'm getting more cerebral, but I'm out of here in nine days so if I want to talk about Marcel Duchamp, I'll do it. And I won't do any more jokes about Taylor Swift breaking up with all those dudes.

I want to check my Twitter feed now to see if anyone's angry at me for that Rothko comment.

Jimmy Kimmel Live
A nor'easter is hitting the East Coast right now. Why do we say "nor'easter" instead of "northeaster"? The only people who should be allowed to say "nor'easter" are people who make a living catching and/or processing cod.

The Weather Channel is calling the winter storm "Damon," after Matt Damon. So if anything bad happens, it's on him.

At the White House yesterday, they kicked off Computer Science Education Week. Students gave tutorials on computer code and President Obama sat down and wrote one. All his program does is draw a box, which he's hoping he can crawl into and hide in for the rest of his term.

Every year Americans spend millions of dollars on Christmas gifts for their pets, which makes no sense to me. Your pet doesn't know it's Christmas. In fact, your pet doesn't even know it's a pet, so giving your cat a sweater is about as useful as giving your microwave a hat.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
A flight headed from San Francisco to Phoenix had to make an emergency landing in L.A. today after a passenger gave birth midflight. The parents called the birth a miracle while the airline called it a second carry-on.

The woman gave birth in the middle of a flight. I'm happy to report that the mother and child are doing fine, while the guy who was sitting next to her is not.

A church in Alabama will start hosting their Sunday services at Buffalo Wild Wings so they can reach a wider audience. And no audience is wider than the people who eat at Buffalo Wild Wings.

Sat, Mar 07, 2015

#3177

Late Night From 12/09
Part 2

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
Umpire Dale Scott recently became the first major league umpire to come out as gay. Well, he says he's out, but another ump said he was safe, so now we have to wait to see what the replay says.

Umpire Dale Scott came out during an interview with Referee magazine. It's a huge shock — you know, that there's something called Referee magazine.

Starbucks is offering a limited number of sterling silver gift cards that cost $200. They say it's a very classy way of saying, "I know nothing about you."

New research has found that 84 percent of vegetarians and vegans ultimately return to eating meat. It turns out the way animals are treated is nothing compared to how people treat vegetarians.

Conan O'Brien
Some people are mad over the Discovery Channel's "Eaten Alive" special about a man getting eaten by an anaconda because the snake didn't completely swallow him. This proves there are two things America will not stand for: false advertising and portion control.

Scientists say they're getting closer to developing a pill to replace exercising. Americans heard this and said that it better come in cool ranch flavor.

This week Apple stores are holding free computer programming classes for children. Or as that's called in China, a job fair.

McDonald's released a new video showing how it makes their Chicken McNuggets. Apparently it turns out that McNuggets aren't made out of chicken. They're made out of people who ask too many questions.

The Late Show with David Letterman
On CBS tonight we are following the great holiday special, "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer." Good news: Rudolph is out of rehab and his nose is no longer red.

Princess Kate and Prince William are in New York City. Last night they went to a basketball game in Brooklyn and saw the Cavs play the Nets. They sat at courtside. Where do they get that kind of money?

After the game in a gesture of friendship, LeBron James put his arm around Princess Kate. You're not supposed to do that. You can't touch royalty, as I continually remind my staff.

While the prince and princess are in New York City they will be visiting people who are less fortunate — you know, like the Jets.

Sun, Mar 08, 2015

#3178

Late Night From 12/10
Part 1

Jimmy Kimmel Live
Congress goes on recess starting tomorrow night. By the way, that's all you need to know about Congress. They get recess. A bunch of middle-aged adults get three weeks off to play kickball?

Time magazine named their person of the year today. It was not a member of Congress.

This year, the person — it's persons, and those persons are the Ebola fighters. The people who were on the front lines, working to keep Ebola contained. I think it's a very good choice. Congratulations, guys. I'd love to shake your hands, but you know . . .

This will be the first time an acceptance speech has included the phrase, "We couldn't have done it without Ebola."

Late Night With Seth Meyers
Time magazine has named Ebola healthcare workers as their person of the year. The Ebola workers were very excited when Time magazine gave them the news — via Skype.

Today Malala Yousafzai and Kailash Satyarthi received the Nobel Peace Prize. And they’re giving an honorable mention to whoever has to announce them.

Kim Kardashian said recently that she gained weight while she was pregnant because God was punishing her for being “so hot.” Though if God is making more Kardashians, I think WE’RE the ones being punished.

Mon, Mar 09, 2015

#3179

Late Night From 12/10
Part 2

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
Time magazine has named “Ebola Fighters” the 2014 Person of the Year. The Ebola fighters said they were honored to be chosen and look forward to the ceremony. Then Time said, "Oh no, we'll just mail them to you."

Facebook revealed that Ebola was the most popular Facebook topic in the U.S. this year, with the World Cup coming in sixth. So welcome to America, where even Ebola is more popular than soccer.

President Obama was talking about the new report on CIA interrogation techniques and praised our country’s ability to quote, “face our imperfections, make changes, and do better.” Which sounds less like a speech on torture and more like the comments on a kindergartner's report card.

Jeb Bush’s brother Neil said that their mother has “come around” to the idea of Jeb running for president in 2016. Because if there's anything that says you're qualified to be president, it's your own mom saying, “I guess you could do it."

Conan O'Brien
Time magazine announced its person of the year. It's health workers who treat Ebola. That's a person of the year. Time magazine told the health workers, “No need to pick up your award, we'll mail it to you."

A woman on a Southwest Airlines flight gave birth to a baby. As soon as he was born, the baby said, "I had more leg room in the womb."

Reindeer populations are falling fast, according to a study. We are three years away from Santa using Uber.

The General Mills cereal Cheerios will soon come out in new flavors like quinoa. The CEO of General Mills said the new flavor is in response to an overwhelming demand by no one, absolutely no one.

The Late Show with David Letterman
Meryl Streep is on the program tonight. I like to throw her a little work whenever I can.

I spoke to Meryl Streep just a few minutes ago backstage. She's such a good actress, she was actually pretending to be happy to see me.

The royal couple, Kate and William, left town. Right now the couple is at the JFK airport getting patted down by security.

The new CIA torture report is 6 million pages long. It's almost as long as a George Clooney pre-nup.

Tue, Mar 10, 2015

#3180

Late Night From 12/11

Conan O'Brien
The Justice Department ruled that Native American tribes are allowed to grow and sell marijuana on reservations. This decision was hailed as a victory by Native American leader Giggling Eagle.

This morning, due to a massive storm, at least 150,000 people in San Francisco were left without power. Of course, people in San Francisco without power are usually called Republicans.

According to a new study, almost 300,000 tons of plastic are currently floating in the world's oceans. About 200,000 tons of that plastic are discarded Bruce Jenner faces.

The Late Show with David Letterman
Welcome to "The Late Show," ladies and gentlemen. I'm Dave Letterman. Just another lame duck.

A company has developed a grease burn protection so you can fry a skillet full of bacon naked. You can now fry bacon naked. I know you think it's a joke, but that's how Orson Welles died.

I did that once. I'm so embarrassed. I thought it would be fun to cook bacon naked. And then Denny's fired me right on the spot.

Jimmy Kimmel Live
There's a holiday gift giving trend that's supposedly on the rise this year called self-gifting. I don't know why everything has to have a term. Didn't that used to be called shopping?

It's OK to buy a gift for yourself. But buying a gift and wrapping it for yourself, that's pathetic.

For lunch today, I gifted myself a roast beef sandwich.

I haven't figured out gift cards. It's kind of like saying I care about you, but not enough to leave the line at Albertson's to find a real gift.

Nothing costs exactly the amount on the gift card. If it's less, you wind up with a credit for like $3, which you'll never use. If it's more, then you're partly buying your own gift.

Wed, Mar 11, 2015

#3181

Late Night From 12/12

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
Joe Biden will assist in the 35th annual lighting of the National Menorah at the White House. When he heard that, Smokey Bear said, “Hold my calls. This is not gonna end well.”

This week Biden said that he will decide on a potential 2016 presidential campaign by the spring or the summer. Then he said, “Whichever comes first.”

During his weekly address, Pope Francis assured the crowd that all animals go to heaven. Then cats said, “Have you met us?”

Golden Globe nominations were announced, but some people are upset that “The Walking Dead” and “Modern Family” were snubbed. It’s OK. President Obama has issued an executive action granting them all a path to a nomination.

The Late Show with David Letterman
Here in New York City they have what they call a Santa pub crawl. And like 30,000 Santas, early in the morning, start going from bar to bar to bar, all day long. Last year it was won by a guy from Kenya.

A guy in Pennsylvania was arrested because he was drunk in his golf cart going from bar to bar. So they arrested him. I said: Wait a minute. Isn't that golf?

On Sunday night you can tune in to the countdown with Barbara Walters and find out who the 10 most fascinating people in the world are. And I want to tell you something, ladies and gentlemen, the suspense is eluding me.

Barbara Walters' 10 Most Fascinating People. Great, more torture.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Do you know what I hate? People say "Craig, you're retiring." Whoa, I'm not retiring. I am just not doing this crap anymore.

I'm not retiring. Dave's retiring. I have more to do. I will probably do ads for local car dealers.

You have got to figure that if they bring back "Hollywood Squares" I'll be in there. I'm not saying center square. I'm not saying that.

I wish I had more time to do the monologue. But if you want jokes, there are plenty of other middle-aged white guys telling jokes on TV. It's not like, "If only there was a middle-aged white guy telling jokes. There is plenty of that."

Thu, Mar 12, 2015

#3182

Late Night From 12/15
Part 1

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
In a remote village in Alaska, their one mailman quit. He said the sad environment and icy working conditions left him so miserable he had to walk away. Wait, sorry, that's what I said because it's my last week in this dump.

YouTube has revealed their 10 most watched videos of the year. May I be the first to say, "Congratulations, cats."

Jimmy Kimmel Live
Sony was the victim of a massive cyber attack from hackers presumed to be based in North Korea. In an embarrassing email, a producer called Angelina Jolie a minimally talented spoiled brat. Which makes this all seem like a high school drama more than an international act of cyber terrorism.

Angelina Jolie, meanwhile, is now unable to promote her new movie, not because of this controversy with Sony, but because she's got chicken pox. But that is some timing. Now she doesn't have to go out and answer questions about Sony.

It is kind of funny that Jolie directed a movie about a guy who survived a plane crash, got lost at sea, and was held in a Japanese prison camp, and she cannot promote it because she has chicken pox. I mean, put on a turtleneck and get out there.

In London magic mushrooms were discovered growing at Buckingham Palace in Queen Elizabeth's garden. You know, I was wondering why she knighted Jerry Garcia. And that's probably why she changes the guards every hour. She's completely paranoid.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
Producers at Sony say that hackers have gotten a hold of a script for the upcoming James Bond sequel. Although if you really want to know what happens in the new James Bond movie, just watch every other James Bond movie.

Yesterday the prime minister of Haiti announced his resignation after several days of protests. Said the prime minister, "Haitians gonna hate."

A man was recently admitted to the hospital for surgery after doctors discovered he still had surgical scissors in his stomach from a procedure performed 12 years ago. Said his new doctor, "The surgery was a success. Now where are my keys?"

Lindsay Lohan says she wants to move to London permanently. It's a perfect fit because she already drives on the wrong side of the road.

Fri, Mar 13, 2015

#3183

Late Night From 12/15
Part 2

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
Over the weekend the co-chair of Sony Entertainment broke her silence about the recent hacking scandal to apologize for some offensive emails she sent about President Obama. In response, Obama said, “Don't worry. I secretly read those emails months ago."

The world's largest travel guide publisher has declared Queens, New York, the best place in the U.S. to visit next year. And if you don't believe it, neither does anyone who lives in Queens.

New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio recently installed a fence around Gracie Mansion for privacy and security concerns. De Blasio wants to make sure the wrong person doesn't get into the mayor's mansion — while New Yorkers said, “Too late.”

Next year, Iowa will become the first state to offer residents an app that allows them to use smartphones as their driver's license. That way you can have the one thing you lose most on the thing you lose the second most.

Conan O'Brien
Some people are criticizing the new movie "Exodus" for casting the part of Moses with a white actor. They're also not thrilled about the scene where Moses leads the Israelites out of Egypt driving a Prius.

Today in Washington, D.C., several government buildings were left without power. Of course, the White House will be without power for two more years.

Sy Berger, the designer of modern baseball cards, has died. He will be laid to rest in a shoe box somewhere in an attic.

The Late Show with David Letterman
Today is the busiest package transporting day of the entire holiday season. UPS today will handle 585 million packages. They don't deliver them, they just handle them.

By the way, if you don't mail your package today, it will not be destroyed by Christmas.

I'm so excited for my son. On Christmas morning I want to see his face, to be there when he opens the gifts. I want the see what my assistants got him for Christmas.

The Giants and the Jets won their football games yesterday. Astronomers say this will not happen again until the year 2164.

Sat, Mar 14, 2015

#3184

Late Night From 12/16
Part 1

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Jeb Bush announced today on the Internet that he may run for president. The next presidential election could be Bush vs. Clinton. It will be like 1992 all over again except I won't be in rehab.

What is Jeb Bush's full name? Jebediah? Jebaroni?

Things were very different back in 1992. There was unrest in the Middle East, we had a gridlocked Congress, and everybody was talking about Bill Cosby.

The Danes are causing a bit of trouble. The kingdom of Denmark claimed the North Pole as their own. Hey, you can't just reach out and take something if you want it, Denmark. That's Russia's job.

Jimmy Kimmel Live
Tonight is the first night of Hanukkah. And who better to celebrate Hanukkah with than our guest tonight — Garth Brooks. Right?

Hanukkah, for those of you who aren't overly familiar with it, is the reason cashiers say "Happy holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas" when you're at Jamba Juice or wherever.

Here in Los Angeles, we celebrate Hanukkah by lighting a medicinal menorah.

Hanukkah lasting for eight nights is a good idea. When you give gadgets to older relatives, it gives you more time to explain them. I gave my aunt an iPad for her birthday. She uses it as a cigarette tray.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
Jeb Bush announced on the Internet that he is exploring a 2016 bid for president. And to increase his chances, he’s going to run as just “Jeb.” He said, “My last name? It’s not important.”

Tonight is the first night of Hanukkah. Hanukkah lasts for eight nights — unlike Christmas, which lasts for two and a half months.

President Vladimir Putin has been named Russia’s man of the year. Second place went to “Or else.”

This week Kourtney Kardashian gave birth to her third child. So she now holds the record for the most times a Kardashian has experienced labor.

Sun, Mar 15, 2015

#3185

Late Night From 12/16
Part 2

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
President Obama recently said that his day is all about politics, so in the mornings he likes to watch ESPN. So if you get the feeling he's repeating himself every half hour, that's where he learned it from.

During an interview, former President George W. Bush discussed his painting hobby and said, “Never paint your wife or your mother.” Then he added, “Because it's almost impossible to get the paint out of their hair.”

This evening marks the beginning of Hanukkah. It's that special tradition where people find out their friend is Jewish and think back on the number of times they've asked them what they were doing for Christmas.

A FedEx truck crashed in New Jersey and spilled packages on the highway. Police would've responded, but when anything falls off a truck in Jersey, it's actually the law to NOT ask questions.

Conan O'Brien
Among the top Google searches of 2014 were Ebola and the movie "Frozen." One leaves you with something highly infectious that's impossible to get out of your system. The other is Ebola.

The hackers who hacked into Sony have leaked the upcoming script for the new James Bond movie. Some of the executives said the news left them shaken but not stirred.

Russia has named Vladimir Putin its man of the year for the 15th year in a row. Putin got 143 million votes and the guy he was up against got killed in a mysterious boating accident. The boat was in a warehouse.

A "Walking Dead" spinoff is going to be set right here in Los Angeles. The zombies are expected to do the two things that people in L.A. refuse to do — walk and eat meat.

The Late Show with David Letterman
Guess who's running for president? Jeb Bush. Jeb was governor of Florida and he speaks fluent Spanish, which raises the question: What language did his brother speak? What was that?

I feel like Bush presidencies are like "Godfather" films. You should stop at two.

Tonight is the first night of Hanukkah. Earlier today out on the street, I saw a sidewalk Santa — I think he was drunk — and he was fighting with a sidewalk rabbi.

The Giants won on Sunday and the Jets won on Sunday. The Pope declared it a miracle.

Mon, Mar 16, 2015

#3186

Late Night From 12/17
Part 1

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
The White House announced plans to begin normalizing relations with Cuba — this as we're awkwardizing relations with Russia.

The Pope is 78 today — old enough to watch CBS.

Cardinals threw the Pope a surprise party today. They hid behind his hat.

Jimmy Kimmel Live
Sony hackers are threatening to attack theaters that show Seth Rogen's new comedy about an attempt on North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un's life. In response, the big theater chains won't show the movie. They should be ashamed of themselves. The idea that there are North Korean terror cells in the U.S. is ridiculous. If there are any North Koreans in America, that's only because they escaped.

After the theaters backed out, Sony decided to cancel the release of the movie entirely and nobody knows if the movie will be seen. The only way we're ever going to see it is to hack into Sony. If only there was a group that knew how to do that.

If the North Koreans are going to stop one of our movies being shown, why couldn't it be "Love Actually," which my wife and her friends have in our living room every Christmas?

The message this sends is that if you really scare us, we'll do what you want. Poor Seth Rogen. I heard he's so stressed out by this that he's been smoking marijuana.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
A new poll about the 2016 election shows that just 27 percent of voters would be likely to support Chris Christie. And only 4 percent of chairs.

After closing their final session, the outgoing 113th Congress has an approval rating of just 16 percent. To give you some perspective, Cosby is at 17.

Today a trailer was released for a new documentary about the Backstreet Boys. Unfortunately it was the one they were living in.

A Salvation Army bell ringer in Virginia was injured when an 87-year-old man accidentally ran him over. He was taken to the hospital once the applause died down.

Tue, Mar 17, 2015

#3187

Late Night From 12/17
Part 2

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
Today President Obama announced that the U.S. is working to improve its relationship with Cuba in an effort to normalize full diplomatic relations. For instance, today they released one of our prisoners and in return we sent back one of their shortstops.

The White House will ease diplomatic relations with Cuba. When asked how he’ll celebrate, Obama said, “Smoke a Cuban cigar, no I mean smoke a regular cigarette — oh, I’ll just have some water, I guess, I don’t know.”

Despite Russia's move to raise interest rates this week, the value of the ruble has continued to crash. Russia's economy is so bad, Edward Snowden had to put government secrets on Craigslist.

In an interview, President Obama said he recently deejayed a small dance party at the White House. Obama has a lot in common with deejays. He takes requests and then completely ignores them.

Conan O'Brien
President Obama announced that he's going to reopen diplomatic relations with Cuba. He wants to act before Seth Rogen makes a movie about Castro.

The Dalai Lama said there should be no more Dalai Lamas after his death. That's particularly bad news for his son, Steve Lama.

A new report says ISIS is trying to recruit professionals like doctors, engineers, and accountants. Sorry, kids, even ISIS says they're not hiring liberal arts majors.

The Late Show with David Letterman
You probably heard about the big prisoner swap with Cuba. A man who has been incarcerated in Havana for five years is back home in the United States. And we sent them some prisoners. The deal still has to be approved by President Obama and Bud Selig.

Those North Korean hackers are at it again. Earlier today they leaked Santa's naughty list.

Happy birthday to Pope Francis. He was born 78 years ago in Argentina. He's not really named Pope Francis. That's just his stage name. His real name is, of course, Carlos Danger.

They had a big birthday party for the Pope at the Vatican City Olive Garden.

Wed, Mar 18, 2015

#3188

Late Night From 12/18
Part 1

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Tomorrow night will be my final night hosting this show. 'Twas the night before I finished and all through CBS employees are stealing office supplies.

One year from today, the new "Star Wars" movie opens. Mark my words — I'll be there at that movie, probably selling popcorn.

The "Star Wars" movie is coming out. Disney has kept the details of the movie under wraps because they're not Sony.

The new “Hobbit” movie opened. Hobbits are tiny creatures that speak a funny language. We need them more than ever now that "Honey Boo Boo" is over. And it's the last time we'll see Bilbo and Gandalf and Blitzen and Fido and Boomer and Jar-Jar.

Jimmy Kimmel Live
"Star Wars: Episode VII" comes out exactly one year from today — as long as we don't get threats from Darth Vader.

Christmas is only one week from tonight. That means you better start practicing you're "Oh my God, I love it" face.

Christmas is a strange holiday. It's Jesus' birthday. I didn't get him anything.

Nobody knows Jesus' exact birthday because he refuses to sign up for Facebook.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
President Obama announced yesterday that he's pardoning 12 convicted felons. Political experts say the move could have huge implications for your fantasy football teams.

Russian President Vladimir Putin said at a press conference today that it was too early to decide if he will run for re-election in 2018. But he says it’s not too early to decide how much he wins by.

The Kris and Bruce Jenner divorce was made official today. They ask only that the media allow them to handle this family matter publicly.

An olive oil bar has opened in Brooklyn. It offers more than 40 different kinds of olive oil. If you'd like to know more, wait until your girlfriend drags you there.

Thu, Mar 19, 2015

#3189

Late Night From 12/18
Part 2

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
Sony Pictures has canceled the release of “The Interview” due to continued threats from hackers. This means the hackers have accomplished their goal of making everyone in the world want to see “The Interview.”

Everyone’s weighing in on Sony’s cancellation of “The Interview.” Mitt Romney suggested the film should be released online for free. Donald Trump said the studio has no courage or guts. Chris Christie said, “Either way, I'm having a large bucket of popcorn.”

During a recent interview, President Obama revealed that his favorite movie this year was “Boyhood.” It makes sense. If there's one thing Obama can identify with, it's aging several years over the course of a couple of hours.

President Obama said his favorite movie this year was “Boyhood.” When asked what his second-favorite movie was, he said, “'The Interview.' No, definitely not 'The Interview.' I didn’t see 'The Interview.'”

Conan O'Brien
It is officially one week until Christmas. That means if you're a guy, you have six days until you have to start shopping.

We're having our office Christmas party tonight. Just like last year, I'm going to get drunk, make a fool of myself, and then go to the office Christmas party.

The Late Show with David Letterman
Sony has canceled the big Seth Rogen movie, "The Interview." North Koreans hacked their email so Sony said, "Now we can't show anybody the movie." I'm disappointed. I think this is the wrong thing to do. And I hear in the film Meryl Streep is great as Kim Jong Un.

If Sony's not going to show "The Interview," that's it. No more North Korean movies for me.

Last year, my son gave me a delightful gift for Christmas. He took an egg carton, emptied it out, and made me a pill organizer.

Here's what we know about Santa. He sees you when you're sleeping. He knows when you're awake. He knows if you’ve been bad or good. I think he's with the NSA.

Fri, Mar 20, 2015

#3190

Late Night From 12/19
Part 1

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
This is the last show, of course, of "The late Late Show." I really didn't know what to do. I thought I'd do a monologue. Then I thought: Well why? I don't have anything else left to say.

The people that made this show are you. You came to a show that — let's be honest, a bit of a fixer-upper. And it kind of stayed that way.

I think that we've managed to do here is make something that wasn't here before. So in that sense maybe it is a piece of art. It didn't exist. Now it does and you'll be able to find it forever on YouTube or wherever. No, sorry. What I meant to say is the CBS website.

I wanted to do this show and now we've done this show. And if you will indulge me in whatever I do next I'd be very grateful because my kids are still young.

Sat, Mar 21, 2015

#3191

Late Night From 12/19
Part 2

The Late Show with David Letterman
Do you remember when you found out there was no Santa Claus? I was so upset I didn't think I'd be able to do the show.

Be very careful if you're out shopping because of the sidewalk vendors. They're selling inexpensive items — counterfeit watches, counterfeit handbags, actual Knicks tickets.

President Obama and his family are spending the holidays in Hawaii, and while they're gone, they got a fence jumper to house sit. Tomorrow, he will be in Hawaii playing golf with Raul Castro and the Pope.

The Russian economy is tanking. It's gotten so bad that today Vladimir Putin had to pawn his stolen Super Bowl ring. And Putin will finance his next invasion on Kickstarter.

Economists believe there are three reasons why the Russian economy is doing so poorly. One, economic sanctions are working. Number two, low-price oil. And number three, Lindsay Lohan has quit drinking vodka.

Sun, Mar 22, 2015

#3192

Late Night From 12/19
Part 3

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
The White House hosted its annual Hanukkah party and everything was going great until Biden pulled on a rabbi's beard and said, "You're not Santa."

The U.S. is re-establishing relations with Cuba. But before President Obama can lift the embargo, it will need approval from the Republican-controlled Congress — or as Republicans who called Obama said, "Close, but no cigar."

It is rumored that Kanye West spent $74,000 on Christmas presents for his little baby daughter, North. Then North said, "Somebody get a picture of his face when I just play with the boxes."

Graceland is going to auction off Elvis Presley's first-ever recordings from 1953 — or as people now coming to America from Cuba put it, "Whoa! What's that hot new sound?"

Mon, Mar 23, 2015

#3193

Late Night From 12/22

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
During a recent Q & A with children, first lady Michelle Obama said that what she wants for Christmas is to sleep in late. Which is why this year Biden promised not to jump on her bed when it's time to open presents.

Google has found that Ouija boards are one of this year's most popular toys. You know, because it wasn't bad enough dealing with your LIVING relatives.

Everybody celebrates holidays differently. This year many people are traveling to theme parks. They're going to events like Mickey's Very Merry Christmas Party and the Dr. Seuss-inspired Grinchmas Who-liday Spectacular. And of course, the most popular event — go play while mommy and daddy drink.

KFC in Japan will continue its tradition of offering customers a Christmas dinner, which includes chicken, wine, cake, and champagne. For no extra charge, you can tell the cashier how you didn't see your life ending up like this.

Tue, Mar 24, 2015

#3194

Late Night From 01/05

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
Joe Biden went to Brazil in an effort to try and repair America's relationship with their government. Biden said, “It's great to be here in the Amazon. I've always wanted to see where all the books come from.”

Democratic Senator Harry Reid is expected to make a full recovery after he was exercising with a resistance band that snapped, causing him to fall. The good news is he's fine. The bad news is there's no video of it.

The Jets are expected to name a new coach this week, and the leading candidate is reportedly former Buffalo Bills coach Doug Marrone. A lot of people are upset about the news — mostly Doug Marrone.

Kanye West teamed up with Paul McCartney on his recently released single, “Only One.” When asked what it was like working with a music legend and pioneer, Kanye said, “I'm sure he was pretty intimidated.”

Conan O'Brien
Tonight is our best show of 2015. If you have tickets to tomorrow's show, I feel sorry for you. It's all downhill after tonight.

At the Cowboys football game Chris Christie was hugging Jerry Jones. It was right after Jones said "Let's get some hot wings."

Plans are underway to build an NFL stadium in Los Angeles. That's good news because it's been at least a decade since L.A. had a sports team not to care about.

General Mills has announced that they're making a new flavor of Cheerios made from quinoa. And at the bottom there's a special prize — Cheerios not made with quinoa.

The Late Show with David Letterman
Today is January 5. I still have quite a lot of last-minute shopping to do.

Here's the problem I have. You've got to start taking down your Christmas decorations. Whenever I take the tree down, I can't re-tangle the lights the way they were.

Kim Jong Un's sister got married. That sounds like another Seth Rogen movie, doesn't it?

Instead of reading vows at the wedding ceremony, they read hacked Sony emails.

Wed, Mar 25, 2015

#3195

Late Night From 01/06
Part 1

Jimmy Kimmel Live
We have a new and now Republican-controlled Congress starting today. The 114th Congress convened today in our nation's capital. I thought Congress got canceled after last season. Their ratings were terrible.

Congress has an approval rating that's very, very low. Their approval rating is 15 percent. You know you're in trouble when people like you less than they like Jennifer Lopez movies.

A total of 71 lawmakers in the new Congress are freshmen. Their parents helped them move in over the weekend.

Here in California today, they broke ground on the construction of a high-speed bullet train that will allow people to travel from L.A. to San Francisco in less than three hours. Until it's built we'll have to settle for flying there in 90 minutes.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
Sportscaster Jim Rome has angered marching bands across the country after he called them “dorks” on Twitter. Marching bands are crafting a reply, but it’s taking them forever to spell it out on the field.

While vacationing in Hawaii this weekend, actor Rob Lowe used a jet ski to help rescue passengers on a sailboat that had run aground. And “Creepy” Rob Lowe just watched through his binoculars.

While vacationing in Hawaii this weekend, actor Rob Lowe used a jet ski to help rescue passengers on a sailboat that had run aground. And “Creepy” Rob Lowe just watched through his binoculars.

Lindsay Lohan was recently diagnosed with a rare mosquito-transmitted disease called Chikungunya. And the mosquito was diagnosed with alcohol poisoning.

Thu, Mar 26, 2015

#3196

Late Night From 01/06
Part 2

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
The newly elected congressmen and women from the midterm elections were sworn in today. This Congress will be the most diverse ever, with 104 women, 46 blacks, 12 Asian-Americans, and two Native Americans. Even the dolls on the “It's a Small World” Disney ride said, “Not bad.”

That’s right, 104 female lawmakers. In other words, there's going to be a lot of filibusters that go like this: “You know what you did.”

A Miami judge issued Florida's first gay marriage license yesterday, which makes it the 36th state to legally perform gay marriages. Of course, most Florida residents are too old to understand what that means. They'll say, “Well, I think all marriages should be gay, and merry."

The Girl Scouts announced that they're adding three new cookies this year, which include Rah-Rah Raisins and two gluten-free flavors. Even Jehovah’s Witnesses said, “If they ring the doorbell, pretend we're not home."

Conan O'Brien
One of the new gadgets at the Consumer Electronics Show is a belt that tells the person wearing it when it's time to lose weight. Another device is a pair of jeans that says, "Hey, try a salad."

A new study has found that watching Fox News can make you more conservative and watching MSNBC can make you more liberal. And watching CNN can make you think that no plane has ever safely reached its destination.

Mark Zuckerberg has an ambition to read something new every two weeks. First up on Zuckerberg's reading list — all your private Facebook messages.

Scientists have made a pill that tricks you into thinking your body is full. Unfortunately, it's filled with mashed potatoes and has 8,500 calories.

The Late Show with David Letterman
Well, the holidays are over and the jolly fat man is gone. I'm talking about Rex Ryan, coach of the Jets.

The Knicks have a wonderful promotion. Any person attending a game who can sink a shot from half court gets to start for the Knicks.

We have new Baseball Hall of Fame guys going in. There are two great honors if you're a baseball player. Getting elected to the Hall of Fame in Cooperstown is one, and owning a mediocre steakhouse is the other.

Today was opening day for the new Congress in Washington. And Vice President Joe Biden swore in the new batch of White House fence jumpers.

Fri, Mar 27, 2015

#3197

Late Night From 01/07
Part 1

Jimmy Kimmel Live
In Las Vegas, the Consumer Electronics Show is going on. It displays new technology that makes you already hate the TV you bought two weeks ago for Christmas.

The Consumer Electronics Show included a Wi-Fi kettle, which is a kettle that lets you boil water from anywhere in your house. Gee, finally.

The Consumer Electronics Show also features high-tech gadgets for pets. One device is a smart feeder, which costs $250. That is a ridiculous amount to spend on a dog bowl — unless your dog is a very, very good boy.

Another device lets you talk to your dog while you're at work, and another monitors how many calories your dog burns throughout the day. Do we need gadgets like this? There's already a device that tells you how your dog is feeling. It's called a tail.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
The FDA is warning New Yorkers about Chinese food after a major Brooklyn distributor was found with rats and birds nesting in boxes of ingredients. The distributor says it's all a misunderstanding — those ARE the ingredients.

The next time you eat Chinese food, know that a bird slept there.

Tonight for the first time since November, Bill Cosby returned to the stage for a show in Canada — because, you know, in Canada pills are cheaper.

Bill Gates says he is a strong advocate of technology that converts human feces into drinkable water. After he drank it, he said he would happily drink it every day. But remember, this is a guy who still uses a PC.

Sat, Mar 28, 2015

#3198

Late Night From 01/07
Part 2

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
President Obama met with the president of Mexico. When asked what it's like to govern 100 million Mexican people, Obama said, "It can be challenging."

Some more news out of Washington. During a recent interview, a White House adviser said Joe Biden is the reason President Obama got elected both times. Then he said, “He's also the reason we got banned from Applebee's."

Congrats to former President George H.W. Bush and his wife Barbara, who celebrated their 70th wedding anniversary yesterday, and it's actually the longest presidential marriage since John Adams. Or as Barbara calls Adams, "my first love."

Some areas near Dallas experienced a 3.5-magnitude earthquake, which some blame on fracking. However, scientists say that it was more likely aftershocks from Chris Christie celebrating at the Cowboys game.

Conan O'Brien
According to a new report that just came out, the average college freshman reads at a seventh grade level. Or if you're an optimist every seventh grader now reads at a college freshman level.

Scientists are adding an extra second to the year 2015. Yeah. Here's the bad news. You just wasted it listening to this joke.

This is really hard to do but I'd like to change the tone now and briefly mention today's terrible tragedy in France. Twelve people were killed because a satirical newspaper made jokes that some group found offensive. All of us are accustomed to bad news from around the world. But this story hits home for anybody who mocks anyone.

Today's tragedy in Paris reminds us very viscerally that it's a right that some people are inexplicably forced to die for. So it's very important tonight that I express that everybody who works at our comedy show, all of us are terribly sad for the families and people of France and anybody in the world tonight who now has to think twice before making a joke. It's not the way it's supposed to be.

The Late Show with David Letterman
Here in New York City, it's cold. It's so cold the Republicans want to use the Keystone Pipeline to deliver soup.

On the TV this morning the weatherman said to dress warm if you're going outside. If you need a TV weatherman to remind you to dress warm, you've got bigger problems than the cold weather.

Paul Revere had a time capsule. They opened it up after a couple of hundred years, and guess what they found? A stack of love letters from Barbara Walters.

They found O.J. Simpson's long-lost Heisman Trophy. So we can all sleep better tonight. No word on the long-lost murder weapon.

Sun, Mar 29, 2015

#3199

Late Night From 01/08
Part 1

Jimmy Kimmel Live
The flu season is especially bad this season. Ground zero for most disease is that electronic stylus attached to the credit card swiper at stores. I'm not a germ freak, but why would we all touch that thing? They are filled with bacteria. They should store them in that blue liquid they have at the barber shop.

You ever notice the only people still writing checks are old people, and maybe that's why they are old. They are living longer because they don't touch those disgusting electronic pads.

Today is the birthday of Elvis Presley and dictator Kim Jong Un. Elvis would've been 80 today. Kim Jong Un is either 32 or 33. They actually aren't sure. North Korean scholars agree that when he entered the world a silver eagle ascended and promised 1,000 years of prosperity for his people. That should kick in any day now.

Last year Kim Jong Un had Dennis Rodman on hand to sing to him. This year he had a low-key celebration. He spent the day at home reading Sony's emails.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
President Obama has issued three veto threats in just two days. Meanwhile, Chris Christie has threatened four Vitos, two Charlies, and a Doug.

New research shows that thousands of homes are robbed every year because people hide their house keys in obvious places. So make sure you hide them where no one looks, like on your middle child.

Mon, Mar 30, 2015

#3200

Late Night From 01/08
Part 2

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
Potential presidential candidate Jeb Bush will release a decade’s worth of tax returns to avoid comparisons to Mitt Romney. Yeah, they’re nothing alike. They’re just both former governors from wealthy families whose parents gave them super-weird names.

Hillary Clinton is the leading presidential contender for the Democrats. Former Clinton aide John Podesta said Hillary will highlight her differences with President Obama if she runs. The biggest difference: Hillary is still interested in being president.

According to a new study, people with certain names tend to work in the same profession. Many women named Susan are hairdressers. Women named Janet tend to be scientists. Guys named Bobby are race-car drivers, Eleanor for librarians, and apparently, Jimmy for talk-show hosts.

This week hackers stole over $5 million in bitcoins from a Slovenia-based bitcoin exchange. If it’s not safe to keep your money in a Slovenian bitcoin exchange, where CAN you keep your money?

Conan O'Brien
Today, Angelina Jolie met with Pope Francis at the Vatican. Long story short: She adopted him.

California's 74-year-old Senator Barbara Boxer announced she will not run for re-election in 2016. When I saw the headline "74-Year-Old Boxer," I assumed they were making another "Rocky" movie.

Bill Gates released a video of himself drinking water that was filtered from human excrement. No word yet on whether Gates got into the fraternity.

The Late Show with David Letterman
Donald Trump is on the show tonight. Donald is a big man, I think 230 pounds — 235 with cologne.

Donald's on the show tonight to announce another phony run for the presidency.

If Trump is elected, he will be the first president with a beauty pageant.

Happy birthday to evil North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un. He gathered family and friends together and celebrated by executing a few close friends.

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