Jokes of the day

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Mon, Feb 09, 2015

#3151

Late Night From 11/10/14
Part 2

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
Pepsi is testing a new drink flavor, which is a mix between Mountain Dew and Doritos. Or as stoners call it, “instant breakfast.”

The October jobs report was released and it showed that unemployment has hit its lowest point in six years. Also hitting its lowest point: anyone who tried that new Doritos-flavored Mountain Dew.

Both President Obama and former President George W. Bush were interviewed on "Face the Nation" over the weekend. President Bush said there's a 50 percent chance his brother Jeb will run for president in 2016. Then he said, “But there's an 80 percent chance he won't."

It was the 60th anniversary of "Face the Nation." During his interview, President Obama said, “Our country doesn't fear the future. We grab it.” Nothing says you grab the future like going on a 60-year-old show hosted by a 77-year-old-man to speak to a 90-year-old audience.

Conan O'Brien
President Obama and Vladimir Putin are both in China attending the same economic summit. Obama saw Putin and said, "After those midterms, it's nice to finally see a friendly face."

Justin Bieber hung out with the Pittsburgh Steelers before yesterday's game and then the Steelers lost. Apparently the Steelers were not inspired by his speech, "Win one for the Bieber."

A new book claims that Jesus had a wife and two kids. In other words, he suffered even more than we thought.

Scientists have discovered a virus that lowers the intelligence of people it infects. The virus is called "H-1 Kardashian-1."

The Late Show with David Letterman
Pepsi has a new Doritos-flavored Mountain Dew. No, we don't have an Ebola vaccine, but we do have the Doritos-flavored Mountain Dew.

You know Kim Jong Un, the evil dictator of North Korea? Apparently, a guy in his inner circle used his ashtray while smoking and Kim Jong Un had him executed. I remember the same thing happened when a guy used Martha Stewart's personal lemon zester.

President Obama is in China. Today he visited the kids who make our cellphones.

Obama took a tour of the Great Wall of China and said, "We need one of these things around the White House."

Tue, Feb 10, 2015

#3152

Late Night From 11/11
Part 1

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
It is Veterans Day, when we honor everyone who served in all of the campaigns. We honor them with dignity and respect, and of course mattress sales and tire discounts.

It's cold in a lot of the country. How cold is it? It's a cold-pocalypse. A snow-mageddon. An ice-a-palooza. It's so cold the Chicago Bears went into hibernation.

Happy birthday to Leonardo DiCaprio. He turns 40 today. It's time for a Titanic prostate exam.

It's also Demi Moore's birthday. Leonardo DiCaprio and Demi Moore are very different, of course. One was in love with Bruce Willis for many years. And the other is Demi Moore.

Jimmy Kimmel Live
Today is Veterans Day. It's a day we honor those who serve and have served in our armed forces. So thank you for your service to our country and the sacrifices that you made. I'm talking about actual veterans. Playing "Call of Duty" does not count. I don't care how many missions you've completed.

Sesame Street turned 45 years old. If you are not familiar with it, Sesame Street is how we entertained our children before we could just hand them an iPhone.

Things have changed on Sesame Street since 1969 when it first went on. The street itself is totally gentrified. It's all Muppet hipsters now. And Oscar's garbage can is a fair-trade coffee shop. Mr. Hooper's store is a Lululemon. Cookie Monster is gluten free.

The long wait is finally over. The McRib is back at McDonald's. The McRib is the Punxsutawney Phil of sandwiches. It comes out of its hole for a little while and then it disappears. And it's actually made out of groundhogs, right?

Late Night With Seth Meyers
A Veterans Day concert was held tonight at the National Mall in Washington, D.C., featuring Bruce Springsteen, Rihanna, and Carrie Underwood. So if you’re a fan of Bruce Springsteen, Rihanna, and Carrie Underwood . . . who are you?

The Mormon church said this week that their founder Joseph Smith may have had between 30 and 40 wives. And just to be safe, he started every conversation with, “Happy anniversary!”

A man in Florida has been sentenced to six months in prison for stockpiling weapons at a compound just 11 miles from Disney World. Eleven miles from Disney World? So . . . in the parking lot?

Wed, Feb 11, 2015

#3153

Late Night From 11/11
Part 2

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
President Obama is in China now for an economic summit in Beijing. The president wore a traditional purple silk shirt along with Chinese President Xi Jinping and Vladimir Putin. That's after they taught Putin how to put a shirt ON.

After President Obama announced his support for net neutrality yesterday, Texas Senator Ted Cruz tweeted that “Net neutrality is Obamacare for the Internet.” While Ted Cruz continues to be the Taylor Swift of not getting over Obamacare.

The restaurant chain Joe's Crab Shack is under fire after its location in Colorado Springs accidentally served alcohol to a bunch of young children. Which explains why the karaoke bar had so many sign-ups for songs from “Frozen.”

Yesterday, LeBron James apologized to fans for not dunking enough this season. LeBron says he's trying as hard as he can, but at the end of the day he's just one team.

Conan O'Brien
Welcome to our special "Sons of Anarchy" show. I'm a huge fan. When I was a young man, I ran with a gang of redheaded punks. We were called the Ginger Snaps. Our biggest enemy was sunlight.

"Sons of Anarchy" is the No. 1 show in its time slot. They were No. 2 but then they had the No. 1 show executed in an abandoned warehouse.

Critics love "Sons of Anarchy." Critics have called the show "Hamlet on motorcycles," which is better than the original concept — “Macbeth on Segways.”

"Sons of Anarchy" takes place in a fictional California town filled with degenerates and endless mayhem. They had to choose between making it a fictional town in California or any real town in Florida.

The Late Show with David Letterman
Today is Veterans Day. Thank you to all our men and women who have served the United States armed forces. In honor of Veterans Day we are marching out a few jokes that have already served.

Here in New York City you can now walk around smoking weed and all they will do if they see you is write you a ticket. Unfortunately, the ticket will be to a Jets game.

You've got to be careful smoking weed. It causes memory loss. And also, it causes memory loss.

President Obama is in China. Also in China is evil Russian dictator Vladimir Putin. They're both in China at the same time. It's like running into your ex-girlfriend on vacation.

Thu, Feb 12, 2015

#3154

Late Night From 11/12
Part 1

Jimmy Kimmel Live
The European Space Agency landed a probe on a comet 317 million miles from Earth. When you get discouraged by how much attention people pay to Kim Kardashian's buttocks, remember that there are also people out there that know how to land a spacecraft on a moving comet 317 million miles away. They're out there.

Sharon Osbourne announced that "The Osbournes" is coming back to TV. Sharon said Ozzy looked back on his life and he wished he could have done the show when he was clean and sober. Well, maybe he does, but we don't. We want a funny show.

Nobody wants to see Ozzy Osbourne on a treadmill eating yogurt.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
According to a new report, Detroit, Michigan, is the most dangerous city in the country with Oakland, California, coming in second. And the third most dangerous was somehow Detroit again.

Kobe Bryant last night missed his 13,418th shot, breaking the record for most shots missed in an NBA career. Said his teammates, “I’m open!”

Fri, Feb 13, 2015

#3155

Late Night From 11/12
Part 2

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
The heroic New York doctor who caught Ebola has been declared Ebola free. President Obama called the doctor to thank him for his selflessness and compassion. Then to be safe, Obama threw his phone in a trash can and lit it on fire.

RadioShack just announced that it will open most of its stores at 8 a.m. on Thanksgiving day. Of course experts say those stores would do better if they opened even earlier — like 1983.

RadioShack says it’s staying open to accommodate their target demo: people who forgot to bring an iPhone charger to their parents' house.

Randy Jackson announced that after 13 seasons, he will not be returning to “American Idol.” He said he wanted to go out when the show was on top, but then decided to wait another seven years.

Conan O'Brien
People in China criticized President Obama for chewing gum while entering the economic summit in Beijing. They're saying he looked like a rapper. Then again, to be fair, in China I look like a rapper.

At the economic summit in China, Vladimir Putin is being accused of flirting with the first lady of China. Then again, Putin does have a history of not respecting boundaries.

Yesterday the scientist Neil deGrasse Tyson fact-checked "Interstellar." Because if there's one movie I expect to be believable, it's the one where Matthew McConaughey plays an astrophysicist.

In Beaumont, California, two people have lined up over two weeks early at Best Buy for Black Friday. The two people said they're hoping to get a great deal on a life.

The Late Show with David Letterman
Yesterday a couple of guys busted into a store here in the neighborhood and stole $2 million worth of money and watches. The police described them as armed and punctual.

Stocks are at an all-time high today. I don't have any money in the stock market. I don't have the stomach for the ups and downs. So about 20 years ago I put all of my money and liquid assets into videotape rewind machines.

Once you're president, you can't go anywhere without causing trouble. President Obama shows up in China, he's chewing gum, they go crazy. A big stink because the president's chewing gum. And you think, the Chinese are so easygoing about human rights. What's the problem?

Child labor, not a problem. Censorship, not a problem. Torture, not a problem. Chewing gum in China — oh, my God! You better not be over here chewing gum.

Sat, Feb 14, 2015

#3156

Late Night From 11/13

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
It's rumored that President Obama is planning to announce a new 10-part immigration plan before Thanksgiving. And you thought your family wouldn't have anything to argue about this year.

Yesterday the Supreme Court lifted the ban on same-sex marriage in Kansas. They didn't give a reason for the ruling, but then again when a state is famous for a Judy Garland musical about a rainbow and a wizard who comes out of a closet, do you really need an excuse?

Prince took his first selfie yesterday with an actual camera, because his publicist says he doesn't own a cellphone. Or in other words, I guess he's still partying like it's 1999.

Conan O'Brien
The Secret Service said there have been 40 fence-jumping incidents at the White House in the past five years. Half of them were intruders trying to get in. The other half was President Obama trying to get out.

Developers are working on a new app that gives you a 10-second warning before an earthquake. The app is called "Too Late."

Usher has announced that his next single will be available exclusively in boxes of Honey Nut Cheerios. The single is called "I Can't Believe It's Come to This."

Warren Buffett's company has bought Duracell for $6.4 billion. I think he overpaid because batteries were not included.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
A "Duck Dynasty" musical is in the works. It's predicted to be very popular with fans of "Duck Dynasty" who also love musical theater. In other words, nobody. Actors who audition should be proficient in singing, dancing, and hiding their sexual orientation.

I wonder what the "Duck Dynasty" musical will be called? Perhaps "Quackin' in the Rain." "Fiddler on the Pond." Or "Hello Ducky."

A tiger has been seen running around Paris. Citizens were told to stay indoors and do whatever's necessary to protect the wine and cheese. They should leave home only to smoke and to judge others.

When Parisians first heard about a giant predator on the loose, they assumed it was Gerard Depardieu.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
According to recent reports, hipsters in the Middle East are being confused for jihadists because of their long beards. That's good.

Yesterday, while flying over Germany, the cargo door fell off of Bono’s jet. And somehow, it landed in my iTunes.

A teenager in Arkansas was arrested after he was caught driving without a license on his way to the DMV to take a driving test, tried to flee, and crashed into a police car. On the plus side, it sounds like he was probably going to fail anyway.

Sun, Feb 15, 2015

#3157

Late Night From 11/14

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
After a six-year battle, the Senate will vote next week to begin construction on the Keystone XL pipeline, which is an oil pipeline that runs from Canada to the Gulf Coast. They're hoping the pipeline will provide enough oil to cover Kim Kardashian's next photo shoot.

The pipeline would run from Canada to the Gulf Coast. It'll be the biggest underground structure leading into the U.S. Then people in Mexico said, “Eh . . . second biggest.”

This week Bill Clinton tweeted a photo of himself reading George W. Bush's new book “41.” Then George W. Bush responded to that post on Instagram. Then John McCain said "You two are hilarious" by telegraph.

There are reports that leaders from ISIS and al-Qaida met at a farm house in Syria last week, and agreed to work together against their common enemies. That story again: Two radical terrorist groups managed to do what two American political parties cannot.

The Late Show with David Letterman
The Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade has new balloons this year including the Pillsbury Doughboy balloon and the first openly gay balloon. Also the Thomas Tank Engine balloon, and they even have the Ebola nurse balloon.

We thought New York City was home to 8 million rats. Turns out, that's a little high. The actual number is 2 million rats. That explains the light turnout for the midterm elections.

Doritos-flavored Mountain Dew is coming. You drink it, you get a combination of type 1 and type 2 diabetes.

Big movie opens this weekend: "Dumb and Dumber To." It stars Alex Rodriguez and Jose Canseco.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Happy 60th birthday to new-age star Yanni. It's also Prince Charles' birthday today. Here's the thing, though. He turns 66. One more six and you would have the number of the beast.

Prince Charles celebrates his birthday the same day "Dumb and Dumber To" opens. Coincidence?

Now Jim Carrey of "Dumb and Dumber To" and Prince Charles are very different, of course. One's a cartoony character with bad teeth who really makes me laugh. The other one is Jim Carrey.

"Dumb and Dumber To" might have a little bit of potty humor. If you don't like middle-aged guys telling jokes about pee-pee and poo-poo, why are you watching this show?

Jim Carrey and Jeff Daniels refused to do this movie without each other. That's sweet. My sidekick Geoff and I have a similar agreement regarding talk shows. Unless Andy Richter's available.

Mon, Feb 16, 2015

#3158

Late Night From 11/17
Part 1

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
We've got Metallica on tonight. For Metallica, it's nine studio albums, four live albums, 26 music videos, 37 singles, and one huge favor to a low-budget late-night train wreck.

The producers of this show worried that Metallica might trash the stage. Look at this dump. If they trash the stage, it will cause thousands of dollars of improvements.

The typical CBS viewer is not used to heavy metal. When the typical CBS viewer says "Enter Sandman," it's because he needs an afternoon nap.

Back in the day, there was antagonism between heavy metal fans and punk rockers. But bands like Metallica bridged the gap. If you were a punk, it was OK to like Metallica even though they had long hair and most of their teeth.

Jimmy Kimmel Live
Today is the day that only 10 years ago would have made no sense whatsoever. It's National Unfriend Day. This is a day I founded five years ago. National Unfriend Day is like a juice cleanse for your Facebook page.

National Unfriend Day is not fun, but you will feel like a new person. You go through the list of Facebook friends and say goodbye to people that aren't your friends. You don't have thousands of friends.

Think of it as "restrangering," not unfriending. If you would not invite them to dinner, they're not a friend.

Meanwhile, Facebook is showing no sign whatsoever that they will ever leave us alone. They're developing “Facebook at Work.” We already have a Facebook for people at work. It's called Facebook.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
Miami Marlins outfielder Giancarlo Stanton has signed the biggest contract in American sports history, worth $325 million over 13 years. What could possibly go A-Rod?

A New York plastic surgeon has announced that he is creating “vacation breasts,” which are implants that would last two to three weeks. That’s amazing, isn’t it? Who gets a three-week vacation?

Last week a Florida woman and her 20-year-old daughter gave birth within three hours of each other at the same hospital. I guess there’s nothing like giving birth to take the edge off becoming a grandma.

Tue, Feb 17, 2015

#3159

Late Night From 11/17
Part 2

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
We had to postpone our U2 week here because Bono broke his arm over the weekend. Our producers said, “Where will we find another talented Irish guy on such short notice?” and I said, “Ahem,” and they said, “Good point. We’ll just cancel.”

One Direction member Zayn Malik missed the group's concert on the Today show this morning because he was sick. Then he and Bono high-fived and spent the rest of the afternoon playing “Call of Duty.”

Kim Kardashian is heading to India to appear in the eighth season of the country's version of “Big Brother.” It makes sense that she’s going to India because if you're going to "break the Internet," that’s the place to be.

Conan O'Brien
Pope Francis announced that next year he is coming to the United States, or as Fox News is reporting it, "Obama lets in yet another guy from South America."

President Obama has pledged $3 billion to aid poor nations. All of that $3 billion is going to the United States.

Yesterday the DEA raided several NFL teams suspected of giving prescription painkillers to their players. In its defense, the New York Jets’ doctor said, "We don't give painkillers to our players. We give them to our fans."

Yesterday U2 singer Bono injured himself in a cycling accident. Even worse, guitarist The Edge was accidentally sanded down to a rounded curve.

The Late Show with David Letterman
The Pope is coming to New York City. He said he would like to hold audiences with the downtrodden. He's talking about the Jets and the Giants.

The Pope also said that while he's in town he would like to go see "The Book of Mormon."

Scientists discovered a virus that makes you dumb. And another virus that makes you dumber.

You get the virus from eating green algae. That will cause the dumb virus to kick in. And I'm thinking: Seriously, you're eating green algae? I mean, you're already dumb.

Wed, Feb 18, 2015

#3160

Late Night From 11/18
Part 1

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Today is Latvian Independence Day. It's been 96 years since Latvia broke free from Russia. And about two years until Russia takes them back.

It's also Mickey Mouse Day. On this day in 1928, the first Mickey Mouse film, "Steamboat Willie," premiered. Mickey Mouse is also a slang term for something cheap or poorly made. So around here, every day is Mickey Mouse Day.

There's a new David Bowie album. I'll explain. An album is a collection of songs meant to be played in order. And you're supposed to pay for it, not find it on your phone like spam. Hear that Bono, you bombastic but generous leprechaun?

David Bowie's new album is a greatest hits collection called "Nothing Has Changed." On the cover he looks in the mirror and he says nothing has changed. When I look in the mirror I say, "Hello, grandpa."

Jimmy Kimmel Live
Tonight I am going to reveal the identity of People magazine's "sexiest man alive." I want you to know I withdrew myself from consideration. I didn't think it would be fair since I'm the one making the announcement.

Not only am I going to reveal the sexiest man alive, we're going to beam him in here via Skype to officially anoint him. I have never felt more powerful or less attractive than I do today.

“Sexiest man alive” is like the nuclear launch code of magazine covers.

The criteria for sexiest man alive is very strict. First, you must be sexy. Second, you must be alive. If you're ugly or dead, forget about it, you're not going to win. We'll see who wins in about 10 minutes. I hope it's somebody fat this year, I really do.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
Charles Manson is getting married — which is weird because I thought he was already serving a life sentence.

A man in California was arrested after he stabbed his potential employer during a job interview. Well, at least now he knows where he sees himself in five years.

Justin Bieber will reportedly spend the next two weeks with a pastor to learn how to spread the word of God. “It won’t be easy, but I think it will make me a better person” — said the pastor.

Thu, Feb 19, 2015

#3161

Late Night From 11/18
Part 2

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
Yesterday Miami Marlins owner Jeffrey Loria gave outfielder Giancarlo Stanton a 13-year contract for $325 million — marking the first time a team's owner was tested for drugs.

The Miami Marlins signed Giancarlo Stanton to a deal worth $325 million, which is the biggest contract in American sports history. When asked what he would buy with $325 million, Stanton said, “the Miami Marlins."

Washington state just had its first marijuana auction and ended up selling 300 pounds of pot for $600,000. And it was all bought by a customer from out of state — named Giancarlo Stanton.

It's rumored that Kim Kardashian may buy a private island near Australia. Because if there's one thing she can't live without, it's her privacy.

Conan O'Brien
Charles Manson has applied for a license to marry his 26-year-old girlfriend, who calls herself "Star." There you go, folks, another eHarmony success story.

That's right, Charles Manson has applied for a license to marry a 26-year-old girlfriend. Must be tough for single women out there. First Clooney, and then Benedict Cumberbatch, and now Manson. All the good ones are taken.

Scientists say the European space probe that landed on the comet has detected organic matter. This means there could be either life in space or a Whole Foods. We just don't know.

This week a group of activists, known as Anonymous, hacked the Twitter account of the KKK. The KKK is furious. They said Anonymous is just a bunch of cowards who don't have the courage to show their faces.

The Late Show with David Letterman
Charles Manson is getting married. Charles Manson, in prison for life, 80 years old, and he's marrying a 26-year-old woman. Yep, another success story for eHarmony.com.

Yesterday Manson made the announcement that he’s getting married, and today he’s being congratulated by the voices in his head.

The Manson wedding ceremony will be in Venice with guests Brad Pitt, Bono, Beyoncé, Cindy Crawford, Tony Orlando, Bernie and Ruth Madoff, and Lou Rawls.

Here in New York City they are converting telephone booths into Wi-Fi hot spots. Because we have very few phone booths left, Clark Kent — Superman — has to use the men's room at Starbucks.

Fri, Feb 20, 2015

#3162

Late Night From 11/19
Part 1

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
The new season of "Duck Dynasty" premiered tonight. Try to contain your excitement, gay community.

Today is my friend Larry King's birthday. You know who else has a birthday today? Actress Jodie Foster. Larry King and Jodie Foster are very different, of course. One's a grizzled showbiz veteran who's bedded hundreds of women. And the other one is Larry King.

Today is also the holiday known as National Day of Monaco. Monaco is independent, but they're defended by France. In other words, they're on their own.

Jimmy Kimmel Live
Fifty percent of the nation is covered in snow. Record low temperatures, a very cold autumn so far. But on the bright side, you're one good ice storm away from getting out of Thanksgiving with the in-laws.

The National Weather Service issued wind chill advisories. You hear that, wind? You're being advised to chill.

Germany has overtaken the United States as the world's favorite country. Germany is the most popular country in the world. That is one hell of a comeback.

The favorite country survey was based on more than 20,000 people in 20 countries. Isn’t it a little bit unfair that they did this before the McRib came back?

Late Night With Seth Meyers
Due to extreme weather in upstate New York, some drivers were stranded in their cars for up to 36 hours. It was intense. Some of them reported hearing that new Taylor Swift song on the radio as many as 100 times.

The dating site OKCupid is adding more gender and sexual orientation options on their website. But they still don’t have a category for “not desperate.”

Netflix announced yesterday that they are expanding to Australia in March. Of course, in Australia the computer buffering icon spins the other way.

Sat, Feb 21, 2015

#3163

Late Night From 11/19
Part 2

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
The Senate came one vote short of granting approval to build the Keystone pipeline. Democrats say the pipeline could accelerate global warming. Then people who've been outside today said, "Sounds good to me. Let's accelerate that global warming."

Chef Gordon Ramsay believes that his restaurant opening in London was sabotaged this weekend after a competitor booked rooms using fake online reservations. Officials have narrowed it down to "everyone who has ever worked for Gordon Ramsay."

The Vatican is raffling off some of the Pope's belongings for charity, including a tandem bicycle. While the Pope appreciates all gifts he receives, even he said, “What am I gonna do with a tandem bicycle?”

Google has developed image-recognition software that can accurately capture what’s happening in a photo. But it still has some bugs. It described Kim Kardashian's recent photo as "Woman being chased by two Butterball turkeys."

Conan O'Brien
I don't know if you know this but Hitler was a painter and one of his watercolor paintings is being auctioned off. It's expected to sell for over $60,000. So if you're looking for a wedding gift for Charles Manson . . .

Yes, Charles Manson is engaged. And his future mother-in-law says she approves of her daughter marrying Manson. She said Manson has very nice personalities.

Tomorrow night President Obama will announce his new immigration plan. Obama's favorite part of his new immigration plan is that he gets to emigrate to another country. He's tired of all this.

Analysts say Obama's new immigration plan will focus on deporting violent criminals. So, this could impact your fantasy football team.

The Late Show with David Letterman
Today is the anniversary of the Gettysburg Address. President Lincoln wrote it on his way to the site of the speech on the back of an envelope. One guy on the back of an envelope wrote the great Gettysburg Address — while every night it takes six guys to write this crap!

Charles Manson is marrying a woman in prison. Manson is 80 and his bride-to-be is 26 years old. He swept her right off her feet. It's probably because he carved a swastika in his forehead. Chicks dig that.

The Manson couple met on a website called "OK Stupid."

If you're looking to get the Mansons a gift, they're registered at Bloodbath & Beyond.

Sun, Feb 22, 2015

#3164

Late Night From 11/20

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
President Obama will travel to Las Vegas to speak at the same high school where he laid out his immigration plan two years ago. So Obama's become that guy who graduated a while ago and still comes back to hang with the seniors.

The acting director of the Secret Service, Joseph Clancy, said they may make the fence around the White House taller because of the recent security failures. When asked if he had any other ideas, he said, "Uh, make the sidewalk lower?"

After signing a contract for $325 million this week, Marlins player Giancarlo Stanton celebrated with a $20,000 bottle of Champagne. So let the road to inexplicable bankruptcy begin!

When asked what made the Champagne so expensive, the bartender said, "I heard this guy just made $325 million."

The Late Show with David Letterman
Anyone ever flown JetBlue? No, that's not true. If you'd flown JetBlue, you would still be at the airport.

I hear JetBlue is reducing leg room by 1.5 inches. Know why? Because so many passengers on JetBlue look around and say, it's so roomy in here! I feel so uncomfortable with all this space!

It's the 105th anniversary of the Gettysburg Address. It's all Lincoln this, Lincoln that, Lincoln with his big hat, oh sure! But you know who the unsung hero is? Lincoln's cue card guy.

There will be no Kardashian family Christmas card this year because they couldn't decide on an appropriate photo. I thought, when did the word "appropriate" ever have anything to do with that family?

Jimmy Kimmel Live
President Obama gave a speech on immigration tonight, and none of the big four TV networks aired it. Even television wants to distance itself from President Obama now.

The band One Direction is here tonight. Why do girls scream when they see their favorite pop stars? I wonder if long ago there was some handsome Neanderthal playing a gourd and all the women went "Ahhh!"

Yeah, One Direction, it's very exciting. I've already fainted nine times. Lots of tweens have lined up in the alley in the back of our studio. It's like tween skid row out there.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
Today is Vice President Joe Biden's birthday! Biden started the day with a dance party and a big piece of cake, and then he remembered it was his birthday.

Bono broke his arm in six places, and fractured his hand and shoulder blade in a bike accident in Central Park this week. But that's what can happen when you live your life too close to The Edge.

Today police in Israel seized dozens of weapons that had been disguised as Christmas decorations. Israeli police became suspicious when they saw CHRISTMAS decorations.

Mon, Feb 23, 2015

#3165

Late Night From 12/01
Part 1

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
They celebrate Thanksgiving differently in Scotland than in the U.S. What happened was Scotland is a part of the United Kingdom, and the pilgrims came from the U.K. to America where they had the first Thanksgiving. In Scotland what they remember is this: Remember those people with the buckled hats who left? Whatever happened to them? And that's Thanksgiving, European style.

The CEO Of Netflix says network TV will be dead in 15 years. That's fine with me — I just need it to last another couple of weeks!

It's Cyber Monday, the day we're all supposed to buy stuff on the Internet. Remember, online shopping isn't as good as the real thing. Just like watching this show on TV isn't as good as seeing it live. Honestly, you're not missing anything.

Jimmy Kimmel Live
They say that on Thanksgiving, Americans consume more than twice their average daily calories. It implies we should eat less — or just eat a lot more the rest of the year and it wouldn't be twice as many.

I went back for seconds and thirds this year. I thought about going back for fourths, but I wanted to give myself something to shoot for next year, so ...

There was a lot of senseless violence on Black Friday. In Norwalk, sheriff's deputies had to go to Walmart after two adult women started fighting over a Barbie doll. They do say it's important not to lose touch with your inner child.

And in Houston, people were lying on top of flat-screen TVs to stop other people from buying them. Instead of a referee, the manager of the store has to come over and determine who has possession.

Tue, Feb 24, 2015

#3166

Late Night From 12/01
Part 2

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
I saw that on Small Business Saturday, the president went shopping at a bookstore and bought 17 books, including "The Laughing Monsters," "Being Mortal," and "Heart of Darkness." Or as the cashier put it, "You OK, man? Maybe a little 'Chicken Soup for the Presidential Soul?'"

Vladimir Putin bribed a soccer official with a Picasso painting so he would support Russia's bid to host the 2018 World Cup. Putin was like, "It wasn't Picasso, just picture of what his face would look like if he said no." (Nose over here, eye up here, ear in forehead.)

A brewery in Oregon is coming out with a new Sriracha-flavored beer. That's right, beer that tastes like hot sauce. They said it's the perfect beverage for finding out if you're an alcoholic: "There's only one beer left and it has hot sauce in it — just give it to me!"

Conan O'Brien
This is Cyber Monday, the biggest day of the year for online shopping. It was started by a bunch of nerds who were beat up on Black Friday: "I'm not doing that again." Ah, the safety of home.

Over the weekend a couple got married on the New York City subway — on the subway! The couple asked that instead of gifts you send Purell hand sanitizer.

Researchers are working on a Breathalyzer that can tell if you're driving while stoned. If the driver tries to dip the Breathalyzer in nachos and cheese, or tries to light it with a lighter, the gig's up.

Wed, Feb 25, 2015

#3167

Late Night From 12/01
Part 1

Jimmy Kimmel Live
Today is "Giving Tuesday." And if you missed it, it's too late now. Sorry, orphans.

Giving Tuesday is a day to be generous and give. It was a big deal online today. Can you believe that we used to have to find ways to be charitable without hashtags in the past? I don't know how we did that.

The organizers say you can give back by volunteering, donating to charity, or by letting your ex have the stuff she left in your apartment back. Totally up to you.

This is the third year they've done this. Shouldn't they have Giving Tuesday before Black Friday and Cyber Monday? We don't have any money left.

Thu, Feb 26, 2015

#3168

Late Night From 12/02
Part 2

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
There are reports that President Obama has finally found a nominee to replace Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel. His nominee is named Ashton Carter. Which sounds less like a defense secretary and more like the member of a boy band.

A political action committee trying to raise money for a 2016 Hillary Clinton campaign is selling “Ready for Hillary” champagne glasses and Christmas ornaments. Because if one thing improves the holidays, it's drinking mixed with politics.

A brother and sister in Minneapolis are opening the world's first vegan butcher shop. At the vegan butcher, they promise to kill all the flavor but in a humane way.

According to a new study, the larger the age difference between married couples, the more likely they are to get a divorce. Or as gold-diggers call that, "the point.”

Conan O'Brien
For the first time, a major league baseball umpire has announced he's gay. The umpire did this by pointing at himself and yelling, "OUT!"

According to a new report, parents are naming their babies after characters from their favorite television shows. I was shocked and so was my son Cake Boss.

For the ninth year in a row, Florida made it through hurricane season without being hit by a single hurricane. So it's official. Even hurricanes don't want to go to Florida.

Fri, Feb 27, 2015

#3169

Late Night From 12/03
Part 1

Jimmy Kimmel Live
It's been a very long time since it rained like this here in L.A. Parents were bringing their children outside just to show it to them.

Tonight in New York, they held the 82nd annual lighting of the tree in Rockefeller center. It said to be the world's largest celebration of someone putting a plug in an electrical socket.

From "Modern Family," Sofia Vergara is here with us. She is our version of the lighting of the Rockefeller Center Christmas tree.

I hope Sofia Vergara doesn't confuse me with her boyfriend again, because that is so uncomfortable.

Sat, Feb 28, 2015

#3170

Late Night From 12/03
Part 2

Conan O'Brien
We finally got some rain here in Los Angeles. It's been a tough week for Los Angeles parents because they had to explain to their children what that stuff coming from the sky is.

People in North Korea who have the same name as Kim Jong Un are being ordered to change their name. Now everyone has the choice of either Khloe or Kourtney Jong Un. That's your choice.

Iran may have attacked ISIS. Do you know how long it's been since I have been able to wear my "Go Iran" T-shirt?

The University of Alabama-Birmingham has decided to discontinue its football team. When they heard this news, New York Jets fans said, "Wait, can you do that?"

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Earlier tonight was the lighting of the Rockefeller Center Christmas tree. NBC gave it a one-hour special. One hour to switch on a tree. Hey NBC, stretching nothing into a whole hour is my thing, all right?

It is still raining in Los Angeles. It is not just any rain, though. It is a light drizzle.

The rain is giving much needed relief to California's crops. By that I mean "marijuana."

In Washington, the U.S. House passed a bill unanimously. Every single member of both parties voted for it. What was it? To deny Social Security benefits to Nazis. So from now on, no SS for the SS.

Sun, Mar 01, 2015

#3171

Late Night From 12/04
Part 1

Jimmy Kimmel Live
Ryan Seacrest is here with us tonight. You may know Ryan from the majority of things on television.

I like Ryan Seacrest a lot. But do you really need to promote New Year's Eve? I feel like the calendar does a pretty good job of that on its own.

The birthrate in the United States is at an all-time low. Whereas our death rate is still holding strong at 100 percent.

The trailer for the new "Terminator" movie came out today. Arnold Schwarzenegger, as you may know, is back. Said he'd be back, and he is. A man of his word. In this one he goes back in time to stop Phil Collins from launching a solo career.

Mon, Mar 02, 2015

#3172

Late Night From 12/04
Part 2

Conan O'Brien
This is official today. China has surpassed the U.S. and now has the No. 1 economy in the world. After hearing this, China's children asked, "So now can we take a lunch break?"

North Korea ordered people with the same anymore as Kim Jong Un to change their names. If you have his name, you have to change your name. And to avoid even more confusion, you're deporting all chubby lesbians with bad haircuts.

Today two men dressed as Batman and Captain America tried to rob someone at a gas station. They're being charged with attempted robbery and mixing Marvel with DC.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
There was a press conference in England announcing the new James Bond movie. It's going to be called "Spectre." they unveiled Bond's new car. It's not even out yet. They have not even made it and Jay Leno has two!

The Bond girl this time is Monica Bellucci. She is very beautiful. She's the oldest Bond girl ever. She's 50. You know they are going to make a big deal out of that and give her a name like Ivanna Playbingo. Or Miss Menopausy. Anita Supplement. Havna Hotflash. Eileen Onawalker.

Tue, Mar 03, 2015

#3173

Late Night From 12/05

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
It was a great week for Jimmy Fallon. He welcomed a baby girl. Congratulations, Fallons! In this modern society, your little girl can grow up to be anything she wants. Except of course a late-night talk-show host.

A marine biologist in California discovered a very rare 12-pound lobster. He said he planned to return the lobster to the ocean. But today he was seen buying 12 pounds of butter.

According to a survey, the most popular Christmas song of all time is "Silent Night." The least popular? "Joy Behar to the World." Or "We Three Kardashians." What about "I Saw Mommy Kissing Bill Cosby."

Wed, Mar 04, 2015

#3174

Late Night From 12/08
Part 1

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
The British royals are here. Prince William plans to stay out of the spotlight. To avoid the crowds he is going to a Jets game.

Today Prince William went to Washington, D.C., and he met with President Obama. He said, "It feels weird being in the White House because I'm not an American." And then Prince William said, "Yeah, me too."

The meeting with Prince William took place at the White House because Prince William wanted to see where the president spent his days, but the golf course was covered in snow.

Jimmy Kimmel Live
President Obama was diagnosed with acid reflux. His approval rating is so low that he's starting to get pushback from his esophagus.

Apparently the president had a sore threat. His doctor said he needs Zantac. Sadly, that's actually the best news President Obama's gotten in a very long time.

So now, Joe Biden is just a heartburn away from the Oval Office.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
Justin Bieber has reportedly dyed his hair platinum blond. Apparently he wanted to go platinum one last time.

There is a new student loan calculator app that can determine how long students will be in debt based on their major. For example, if you’re a creative arts major, you can’t afford the app.

This weekend a silver plate crafted by Pablo Picasso was stolen from a Miami art fair. Police are describing the suspect as a man with one big eye, one tiny eye, a giant sideways mouth, and two noses.

Thu, Mar 05, 2015

#3175

Late Night From 12/08
Part 2

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
President Obama went to the hospital because of a sore throat, but it turned out to be acid reflux. Some say it was an overreaction, but then Obama said, "Uh, did YOU have to spend the last few months hugging Ebola people? Call me when that happens and we’ll see if I over-reacted."

Obama went to the hospital this weekend because of a sore throat. Everything is fine, but it was a little awkward when they asked what insurance he uses, and he said, “Blue Cross. No, I mean Obamacare.”

Last week my wife and I welcomed our second child, Frances Cole Fallon. Now I live with three females. Or as Obama put it, "Who's laughing now, funny man?"

There are reports that North Korea has banned all newborn babies from being named Kim Jong Un. Which is why my wife and I played it safe and went with “Frances Cole.”

Conan O'Brien
This morning President Obama met with Britain's Prince William in the Oval Office. It was a meeting between a symbolic ruler with no real power and the future king of England.

Facebook revamped its search feature. Now you can search for any post that has ever appeared on your page. It's helpful if you want to waste time this year remembering exactly how you wasted time last year.

McDonald's has released a video showing how its Chicken McNuggets are made. Apparently the McNuggets die naturally after being fed the McRib.

A village in Alaska has been without mail for days because its only postal worker quit. So if you want to reach anyone in that village, you will have no choice but to email, call, text, Facebook, tweet, Skype, or Instagram.

The Late Show with David Letterman
It turns out that President Obama has acid reflux. He had a sore throat, went to the hospital, and they diagnosed it as acid reflux. Talk about irony — it's not covered by Obamacare.

Prince William and Kate Middleton are in New York City. We have got to do something about immigration.

People say we need royalty. We have royalty in the United States — the Kardashians.

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