Jokes of the day

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Thu, Jan 15, 2015

#3126

Late Night From 10/16/14
Part 1

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
The government of Gibraltar gathered about 30 monkeys that they call "problem monkeys" because of their destructive behavior, and shipped them off to live in Scotland. What does it say about my homeland when a government sees "problem monkeys" and says, “You know where we should send them?”

When Justin Bieber's monkey heard about this, it said, “Why didn't you just abandon them in Germany, like some people?”

I don't know about mixing monkeys with Scottish people. They can be violent and nasty and unpredictable. So be careful, monkeys.

Last night the governor of Florida refused to come out for a debate. He was upset that his opponent had a fan under the podium to keep cool. Now a governor and a fan are very different, of course. One oscillates back and forth, blowing hot air in everybody's face. And the other one is a fan.

Jimmy Kimmel Live
Forbes has released their list of top-earning deceased celebrities. And the richest famous dead person this year is Michael Jackson. He earned $140 million this year. You have to admire Michael's work ethic. A lot of big stars stop working when they die.

Apple announced a new generation of iPads and iMacs and a new operating system. They also announced that there's no such thing as the Apple Watch. That was all a joke. Actually they said the Apple Watch is coming out early next year, which is funny because they already announced the Apple Watch last month. So now we're getting excited when Apple reannounces things to us.

They should build apartments outside of Apple stores so people can live in line, waiting for their products. They just had a big announcement event recently. I wonder if they're aware that the phrase “An apple a day” is just an expression. They don't have to take it literally.

Warner Brothers has announced 10 new movies based on DC Comics. Finally, Hollywood is giving comic book movies a shot. Between DC, Marvel, and some smaller comic book companies, they're projecting around 40 superhero movies by the end of the decade. We need a superhero to save us from all these superhero movies.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
The New York Giants have reportedly been debriefed about Ebola in preparation for their trip to Dallas to play the Cowboys this weekend. Though if this game is anything like last week, I wouldn’t worry about the Giants catching anything.

It was announced today that the head of the TSA will retire after 31 years. I guess he wants to spend his time sitting around doing nothing instead of standing around doing nothing.

A gang member turned rabbi has been arrested in New York for impersonating a police officer. A gang member, a rabbi, and a police officer. He’s basically a one-man version of the Village People.

Fri, Jan 16, 2015

#3127

Late Night From 10/16
Part 2

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
The Pentagon just announced that its fight against ISIS will be called “Operation Inherent Resolve.” They came up with that name using "Operation Random Thesaurus."

The Pentagon has picked “Operation Inherent Resolve” as the name for its fight against ISIS. Unfortunately, two terrorists got away while they were busy thinking of that name. Who cares what you call it. Just do something!

A Dutch motorcycle gang called “No Surrender” has declared war on ISIS, and plans to ride their motorcycles through Syria and Iraq. When they heard the name “No Surrender,” the Pentagon said, “Damn! That would have been a perfect name!"

A group called Clowns of America International — how does that name make any sense? — is criticizing the FX show “American Horror Story: Freak Show,” saying its portrayal of clowns feeds into the fear of clowns. Yeah, "Clowns of America International." Even ISIS said, "Now THAT is a scary group!"

Conan O'Brien
All NFL teams have received a newsletter informing them about the dangers of Ebola. Meanwhile, Ebola has received a letter about the dangers of the NFL.

President Obama is trying very hard to put people at ease about Ebola. Obama said he hugged and kissed some of the nurses in Atlanta who had treated the patients with Ebola. Man, Obama will do anything to get out of that job right now.

Earlier today the head of the TSA announced he's retiring. His employees toasted him with less than 3 ounces of champagne. Then they gave him a gold watch and he had to take it off and put it in a bin.

CBS will soon offer a paid subscription service. That means you can continue to watch CBS for free or you can pay for it. It's your call.

The Late Show with David Letterman
New York City has a terrible rat problem. As a matter of fact, today the mayor, Rick de Blasio — no, that’s Bill de Blasio — said every rat that comes into New York City must have its temperature taken.

These New York City rats are infected with countless viruses and bacteria. To put it in perspective, no one has tested positive for this many things since Alex Rodriguez.

Ladies and gentlemen, you've come to the right place. As a public service tonight, I will be taking the temperature of all viewers.

Sat, Jan 17, 2015

#3128

Late Night From 10/17

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
The head of the TSA is stepping down after more than four years on the job. Well, he actually stepped down a while ago, but he's been going through security for three and a half years.

TSA Chief John Pistole announced that he is stepping down. So whoever takes his place is going to have some pretty big shoes to take off.

President Obama just appointed someone named Ron Klain as the new “Ebola czar” to oversee the government’s response to the crisis. You know that’ll be a tough job, but not as tough as introducing yourself as the Ebola czar and extending your hand.

Whole Foods is introducing a new system that will label its produce “good, better, and best” depending on their supplier's farming practices. Good means “no pesticides,” better means “environmentally friendly,” and “Best” means “still not worth five bucks for an apple.”

The Late Show with David Letterman
In pop culture news, Lady Gaga got married. And yes, she was wearing white meat.

President Obama doesn't think he stands a chance of being re-elected.

President Obama was out playing golf today. He hit one tee shot 250 yards. Even golf balls are trying to distance themselves from him.

Today they arrested a White House intruder who was jumping over the fence to get OUT of the White House.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
"Travel and Leisure" magazine released a list of the snobbiest cities. You know what No. 1 is? It's wherever Gwyneth Paltrow is.

Gwyneth Paltrow doesn't watch broadcast TV. She's not going to say, "I finished my kale, so let's watch CBS."

"Time" magazine today released a list of the 25 most influential teenagers. When they heard they made it on the list, every teenager had the same response: "What's a magazine?"

You know who is on this most influential teenager list? Kim Kardashian's younger sisters. They've been very influential. They've influenced a lot of people to change the channel.

Amazon announced they're opening a store in Manhattan. In other words, Amazon doesn't understand the point of Amazon.

Sun, Jan 18, 2015

#3129

Late Night From 10/20

Conan O'Brien
Over the weekend President Obama told Americans not to panic about Ebola. Then when asked about the Democrats' chances in the upcoming midterm elections, Obama said, "Man, that Ebola sure is scary."

After embracing the gay community last week, the Vatican is now distancing itself from those comments. The Vatican explained, "Hey, that was just one crazy weekend, OK? We've all had them, right?

A new study has found that men who are vegan have a much lower sperm count compared to those that eat meat. Even worse, the few sperm vegan men do have refuse to go anywhere near an egg.

Brad Pitt is saying his role in "Fury" taught him to be a better father. Nicolas Cage said his role in "Ghost Rider 3" taught him he shouldn't have done "Ghost Rider 3."

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Last night in Denver Peyton Manning he threw his 509th touchdown pass, an NFL record. Peyton's brother Eli Manning called him to congratulate him, but unfortunately the call was intercepted.

Rock 'n' roll legend Tom Petty turned 64 years old today. He's gone from the Heartbreakers to the Hipbreakers.

Tom Petty has gone from "I Won't Back Down" to "I Can't Get Up." He's gone from "Runnin' Down a Dream" to "Scooterin' Up a Ramp." He's gone from "Learnin' to Fly" to "Forgettin' How to Drive."

Jimmy Kimmel Live
Today was the much-anticipated launch of Apple Pay, the mobile payment system that allows you to buy stuff with your iPhone. So now you don't have to go through the excruciating experience of going into your wallet, handing them your card, and putting the card back in your wallet.

Here's how the new mobile payment system works. If you so much as even glance at an Apple product, Apple Pay automatically deducts the full amount from your checking account.

According to a new survey, almost 40 percent of new moms create social media accounts for their newborns. A good way to know you shouldn't have a baby is if you think it's a good idea to set up a Twitter account for it.

One of the reasons moms are said to be doing this they don't want to clutter their own Facebook feed with baby pictures so the baby gets its own page which you have to like unless you want the mother to hate you.

As of today, Starbucks will allow their employees to display tattoos and ear gauges. Those are the round plugs that some people put in their ear lobe to let the world know their dads never played catch with them.

Mon, Jan 19, 2015

#3130

Late Night From 10/21

Conan O'Brien
Looks like they're working out the Ebola situation. The CDC has released new guidelines about what healthcare workers should wear to protect themselves when treating Ebola patients. For starters, this Halloween they've outlawed the slutty hazmat suit.

At a polling station while President Obama was standing next to a woman, a man shouted out, "Hey, Mr. President, stay away from my girlfriend." He didn't say this because Obama was flirting with her, but because his girlfriend is a Democrat running for re-election.

The NFL has created a sportsmanship award that will be presented to the winner on the eve of the Super Bowl. The winner will be whichever NFL player's not in jail on the eve of the Super Bowl.

Actor Matthew McConaughey says he doesn't want the Washington Redskins to change their name. When asked for a comment, a spokesman for all Native-American tribes said, "I guess that settles it. Just waiting for word from Matthew McConaughey. Now we can move on."

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
It was Game 1 of the World Series tonight. The Kansas City Royals haven't been in the World Series since 1985. Things were very different back then. Tensions were high with Russia, Congress locked up in partisan bickering, my career was in the dumps. These are all bad examples.

If San Francisco wins the World Series, you can expect a big parade. If San Francisco loses, you can expect a big parade. If you go to San Francisco anytime, expect a big parade.

Scientists have done a virtual autopsy on King Tut's body. They say King Tut had buck teeth and a club foot. If they want to know what King Tut looked like, why didn't they just ask Larry King?

Jimmy Kimmel Live
Bill Murray is with us tonight. Booking Bill Murray is not unlike capturing a leprechaun.

In Kansas City tonight is Game 1 of the World Series. I love baseball. You know, baseball was our national pastime before selfies took over.

Kim Kardashian turned 34 years old. I hope she got the day off from work. Can you imagine trying to buy Kim Kardashian a gift. What do you get for the woman who has everything for no apparent reason?

Kim Kardashian, by the way, shares a birthday with Benjamin Netanyahu and the scientist Alfred Nobel. Which just goes to show you: Horoscopes are crap.

Tue, Jan 20, 2015

#3131

Late Night From 10/22

Conan O'Brien
Due to a technical glitch, Taylor Swift's new single was released as eight seconds of static, and it still went to No. 1 on iTunes.

A diet pill endorsed by Dr. Oz was found to be based on bogus scientific research. Yeah, people are shocked that you can't trust a TV doctor named after a lying wizard.

Politicians in Miami have passed a resolution to split Florida into two states. Yeah, the two states would be known as Geezerville and Methylvania.

Musician Kenny G. Was in Hong Kong showing support for protesters there. Kenny G. played three notes and they immediately surrendered to Hong Kong.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Yesterday on Hollywood Boulevard, Batgirl and Mr. Incredible got into a fight. And the fight was broken up by Chewbacca. That is true. That is also, coincidentally, the plot of the next "Star Wars" movie.

You should never get involved in a fight between superheroes. That's a wookie mistake.

There are big political protests going on in Hong Kong. Today the protesters were visited by frizzy-haired maestro Kenny G. You know the protest is peaceful when it brings in the king of smooth jazz sax.

Kenny G tweeted his support for the Hong Kong protesters. The Chinese government must have been furious. They responded the only way they can. They called in Enya.

Jimmy Kimmel Live
The annual Wastebook report was released today. This is an annual report that lists what Senator Tom Coburn describes as wasteful government spending. I didn't read it. I'm waiting for the movie to come out.

Our government spent $387,000 giving rabbits a daily massage. That doesn't sound wasteful to me. That sounds adorable.

It's kind of ironic for a member of Congress to be complaining about government waste. I think we spend around $5 billion every year on Congress. We don't seem to be getting anything out of that, right? What we got is a report on how much money they waste, so thank you.

Speaking of major expenditures, a new Starbucks drink is on the way. Starbucks soon will be offering a chestnut praline latte. And I have to say, it's hard to criticize the government for wasteful spending when we pay $7 for candy-flavored coffee twice a day, right?

They say a chestnut praline latte is the perfect beverage to buy a rabbit after a relaxing massage.

Wed, Jan 21, 2015

#3132

Late Night From 10/23

Conan O'Brien
Yesterday yet another person jumped the White House fence. It happened again. On the bright side, at least Michelle Obama is finally getting more Americans to exercise.

The stock market is going crazy. Earlier this week, Warren Buffett lost $2 billion. Luckily, Buffett found it this morning under a pile of $8 billion.

Scientists found they have evidence that human beings had sex with Neanderthals. Apparently the evidence is any episode of the "Real Housewives of New Jersey."

Kenny G caused a controversy. I never get to say that. He tweeted his support of the Hong Kong protesters. Now China's communist government is mad at him. China has threatened to pill Kenny G's music out of all of their elevators.

An Apple computer built by Steve Jobs in his garage in 1976 sold for nearly $1 million. It makes it the most affordable Apple product currently on the market.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
It's a great day for America — or is it? Because today is National Talk-Show Host Day. Yep. That is a real thing. How sad is that?

"National Talk-Show Host Day" is the day we honor middle-aged white guys brave enough to mock the misfortunes of others from the safety of their TV studios. Hooray!

There is a big party tonight at the late-night talk-show host clubhouse. No women or minorities allowed. Hey, I didn't make the rules!

The good news is that today CBS sent me a cake for National Talk-Show Host Day. The bad news: It said "To Craig Kilborn."

Jimmy Kimmel Live
Last night, someone jumped the White House fence again. See, the problem is, if the pizza doesn't get to Obama in 30 minutes, it's free. And that comes out of their paycheck.

A 23-year-old man from Maryland scaled the fence and started running on the White House lawn. He didn't get very far. He was almost immediately attacked by two Secret Service dogs, which is good news, because I think we finally found a plot for "Air Bud 3."

There have been seven fence jumps now at the White House so far this year. Maybe it's time the president gives Joe Biden a key.

Fortunate for the intruder, dog bites are covered under Obamacare, so he will be fine.

Maybe people would stop trying to jump the fence if the first lady weren't taunting us by growing gardens full of that sweet, sweet kale.

Thu, Jan 22, 2015

#3133

Late Night From 10/24

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
It's not just Friday. It's United Nations Day. The U.N. Is the world's foremost institution for drafting strongly worded letters.

Critics have accused the U.N. of being indecisive. To that, the U.N. replied, "Uh, not true."

Today in New York, a schoolteacher celebrated her 100th birthday. All of her students hid in the classroom and surprised her with a big party. They were hiding and they shouted, "Surprise!" May she rest in peace.

Actually the 100-year-old teacher is fine. Today she was hired as a new reporter for "60 Minutes."

Fri, Jan 23, 2015

#3134

Late Night From 10/27

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
Halloween is just a few days away and the Obamas have invited children to go trick-or-treating at the White House on Friday. It will be fun until the Secret Service tackles a kid and says, "We finally got one. He’s dressed like a ninja turtle and tried to get in here."

Mayor de Blasio said New Yorkers will not get Ebola from riding the subway. He said, “Let's focus on actual things you might catch on the subway. There's the SARS virus, bird flu, rat flu, West Nile, East Nile — plenty to choose from. Ebola's way down the list.”

Queen Elizabeth recently sent her first tweet. Prince Charles commented, “Call me when she sends her LAST tweet.”

Conan O'Brien
Before the World Series game last night, Aaron Lewis from the band Staind botched the National Anthem. To make things worse he started the song with, "Are you ready for some football?"

A new report claims that by the year 2020 the marijuana industry could be bigger than the NFL. Either way, it's a good time to be in the couch business.

The city of Detroit says it has come up with a plan that could finally get it out of bankruptcy. The plan involves Detroit getting on a bus and moving back with its parents in Ohio.

France is seeing a rise in armed clowns terrorizing people on the streets. The good news is they're scaring off the mimes.

The Late Show with David Letterman
The No. 1 movie in the country is "Ouija," as in the Ouija board. I can hardly wait for the next blockbuster motion picture — Yahtzee!

In the movie "Ouija," they use the board to contact the dead. In the opening scene they're talking to the Jets.

Over the weekend another guy jumped the fence at the White House. This time he was tackled by three security guards. They released him and then later in the day he was signed by the Jets.

If you think there's a lot of people trying to get into the White House now, just wait about a year.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Vladimir Putin announced he's abolishing daylight saving time. He said he doesn't want to set Russian clocks back. I will say this: He's done a pretty good job of setting the Russian calendar back — to about 1983.

Now that Putin's gotten rid of daylight savings, it's just a matter of time before he decides to get rid of daylight altogether.

The No. 1 movie at the box office this weekend was "Ouija." It's based on the popular board game made by Satan.

I think Ouija boards are a bunch of superstitious crap. At least that's what my Magic 8 Ball told me.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
Former Florida Governor Jeb Bush said today that he has not yet decided whether he will run for president in 2016 — at which point Hillary Clinton took her foot off of his neck.

North Korean leader Kim Jong Un visited an orphanage over the weekend. Well actually, it wasn’t an orphanage when he got there.

Dominican officials arrested a woman for trying to smuggle over $69,000 in a briefcase and more than $70,000 in her stomach. When asked what she was planning on using the money for, she said, “To buy a second briefcase.”

Sat, Jan 24, 2015

#3135

Late Night From 10/28
Part 1

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
The French are under attack by clowns. People dressed as clowns are going from town to town committing crimes. Instead of spraying people with water, they use Perrier.

French clowns they don't make balloon animals. They make baguette animals.

Pope Francis gave a speech where he said the theory of evolution is real. He also said the Big Bang theory is real. I wonder what he thinks of "Two and a Half Men."

The Pope is saying that evolution is real. That's quite a shock. That's like a Kardashian saying, "No pictures, please."

Jimmy Kimmel Live
Rob Ford had to withdrawal from the mayoral race in Toronto to undergo cancer treatment. He has vowed to run for mayor again in 2018. I don't know if I can wait that long.

Marvel made a big, huge bombshell announcement today. It turns out they're going to make a movie about superheroes.

Marvel also announced their first film with a female lead and first movie with an African-American lead. So we're still waiting for a movie with a FAT superhero.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
While Mitt Romney was in Nebraska at a campaign rally to support a local Senate candidate this week, the crowd started chanting, “Run, Mitt, Run.” And now, nobody can find Mitt Romney.

Yesterday, Jennifer Lawrence and her boyfriend, musician Chris Martin, broke up. It didn’t work out because the best celebrity couple nickname they could come up with was “Martin Lawrence.”

Papa John's has released a new pizza that comes topped with beef, chili, onions, cheese, and Fritos corn chips. And they’re on sale right now — buy 1, get Type-2 free.

Sun, Jan 25, 2015

#3136

Late Night From 10/28
Part 2

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
During a campaign event, former presidential nominee Bob Dole told the crowd that Mitt Romney should run for president in 2016. If there's anyone who knows that the third time is a charm, it's a guy who lost three times.

President Obama and Michelle Obama went to a parent-teacher conference at their daughters' school this week. The teachers say their daughters are doing well, but with a few billion more in education funding, they could be doing great.

Taylor Swift announced she would become New York City's new tourism ambassador. New Yorkers said, "How could we let a woman who's not even from New York welcome people to the city?" And then the Statue of Liberty said, "I know, it's just crazy. Can you believe it?"

Weather Channel co-founder John Coleman says there's no such thing as man-made global warming. It's actually not the first controversial statement Coleman has made about the weather. He also said, "I've been naming all the hurricanes after girls who dumped me in high school."

Conan O'Brien
For Halloween, a woman in Vermont is handing out kale to trick-or-treaters. If you're in Vermont and you want to stop by, look for the house that's been set on fire.

LeBron James and his wife have just welcomed a new baby. The baby was born in Cleveland but plans to move to Miami if it gets a better offer.

HBO just announced it will be laying off nearly 150 employees. That's not HBO staff. That's just characters getting killed off in the next episode of "Game of Thrones."

Cosmo magazine is encouraging female students in North Carolina to vote by offering a party bus to the voting polls that includes shirtless male models — just as our forefathers intended.

The Late Show with David Letterman
Here is a new and important announcement from the CDC: You will not become a Jets fan through casual contact with a Jets fan.

Neil Patrick Harris is getting a new variety show on NBC. If you're excited about Neil Patrick Harris and his variety show at NBC, it means one thing: You have never seen a variety show.

You know what will happen a week from today? Midterm elections. Can you just feel the indifference?

People running for re-election are distancing themselves from President Obama. He's very lonely. He has no close friends in the White House. In fact, an intruder hopped the fence on Sunday, made it all the way to White House, and Obama begged him to stay and watch football.

Mon, Jan 26, 2015

#3137

Late Night From 10/29
Part 1

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Today is the day I wait for. It's National Cat Day. It's the one day of the year we can ignore the fact that if cats were any bigger, they would kill us all.

A candidate for governor in Arkansas has revealed he used to be a male stripper. The stripper-turned-candidate is encouraging everyone to head to the polls next Tuesday. And also to go out and vote.

A man in a President Obama mask robbed a store recently. Police describe him as “armed and incapable of reforming immigration.”

After the Obama mask robbery, someone in a Hillary Clinton mask came in and promised to clean up the mess he left behind.

Jimmy Kimmel Live
Google is working on a pill that will detect cancer and other diseases in the human body. It contains tiny magnetic particles that would travel through your bloodstream to search for malignant cells. We spent years searching Google, and now they are going to search us.

A pill like this would give Google access to very sensitive personal information, but Google says they have no intention of using that information for commercial purposes — and that promise is good enough for me.

People are taking selfies with bears and then using them as their profile pictures on dating apps. The forest service would like people to stop doing this. I don't know. I say if people want to take selfies with bears, let them do it. It's called natural selection.

And it's a win-win, because either you get to post a picture showing everyone how brave you are, or the bear gets to post a picture showing what it had for lunch.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
Today is National Cat Day. Of course, to cats every day is National Cat Day. They don't need a day to act like they have to be celebrated.

For National Cat Day, be sure to give your cat a big hug and then get yourself a box of Band-Aids.

The government in Cuba is encouraging citizens to have more children because the country has the lowest number of newborns in Latin America. And nothing gets you in the mood like a direct order from Fidel Castro.

A new study found that avid drinkers of milk have a 16 percent increased risk of cardiovascular disease, while avid drinkers of almond milk have a 100 percent chance of being white. That's just science.

Tue, Jan 27, 2015

#3138

Late Night From 10/29
Part 2

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
The man in charge of investigating the 2012 Secret Service prostitution scandal has quit after he himself was caught with a prostitute — which explains why President Obama just appointed an irony czar.

David Nieland, the man investigating the Secret Service prostitution scandal, was caught with a prostitute. I don't know what's more surprising — that they caught him with a prostitute, or that the Secret Service actually caught someone.

Next month Joe Biden is scheduled to make stops in Turkey, Ukraine, and Morocco to discuss foreign policy issues — while his advisers are learning how to say "We're sorry" in all three languages.

Conan O'Brien
The investigator who led the probe in the Secret Service prostitution scandal was caught with a prostitute. When cops found them together, he said, "Hey, I'm investigating here."

Former baseball slugger Jose Canseco accidentally shot himself in the hand. In a related story, he figured out a way to make baseball a little more exciting.

Sources are saying Russia may have hacked into the White House Internet system. The problem was discovered this morning when suddenly Obama's screen saver was a shirtless Vladimir Putin.

The Late Show with David Letterman
Welcome to "The Late Show," ladies and gentlemen, where the only thing contagious is laughter.

I try to be level-headed when you have a problem like the Ebola outbreak. A couple of years ago there was what they call a pandemic. I called my doctor and I asked him what to do in the case of a pandemic. He said to make sure you sterilize your pan.

I want to settle everybody down. Let me put this in perspective for you. Your chances of catching Ebola are the same as the Jets chances of making the play-offs.

The White House computers were hacked. They stole all of Michelle Obama's secret kale recipes.

Wed, Jan 28, 2015

#3139

Late Night From 10/30
Part 1

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Congratulations to the Giants for winning the World Series. Last night in San Francisco, there were big parades, with men dancing in the streets and taking their clothes off. Then they heard about the baseball and things went crazy.

Marvel announced the next nine superhero movies. There will be African-American superheroes and female superheroes. In the first movie, African-American and female superheroes combine superpowers to face the impossible task — becoming late-night talk-show hosts.

Former major league player Jose Canseco accidentally shot his finger off while cleaning his gun. On the bright side, he's taken so much human growth hormone that the finger grew right back.

According to the tabloids, Kris Jenner decided to skip Bruce Jenner's birthday party this week. Bruce was so hurt, he cried. Well technically, he emitted saline from tubes implanted beneath his cheek.

Jimmy Kimmel Live
Last night the San Francisco Giants beat the Kansas City Royals in Game 7 of the World Series. Condolences to the Royals fans and congratulations to the one Giants fan here in Los Angeles.

It was a great game, and of course after the game fans in San Francisco celebrated as fans are known to do — by lighting their city on fire. I've never understood that.

If your team wins, why not celebrate by destroying the other team's city?

Late Night With Seth Meyers
Congratulations to the San Francisco Giants! Last night the Giants beat the Kansas City Royals in Game 7 to win the World Series. Finally, an excuse for the city of San Francisco to have a parade.

Ebola is still in the news. Today Kaci Hickox, the nurse who was kept in an isolation tent in New Jersey earlier this week, defied a quarantine order and went for a bike ride with her boyfriend. So it’s official: There is NOTHING that will get you out of a bike ride with your girlfriend.

Kellogg’s has reported a 31 percent drop in profits this quarter after sales of breakfast foods and snacks fell in the U.S. When asked how he’s doing, Tony the Tiger replied, “Not great.”

Thu, Jan 29, 2015

#3140

Late Night From 10/30
Part 2

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
Apple CEO Tim Cook officially came out as gay. But knowing Apple, a new Tim Cook will probably come out next week.

Yeah, Apple CEO Tim Cook came out as gay. Then the CEO of Samsung came out as being even gayer. Those guys are always competing.

Halloween is tomorrow. A group of wine experts has actually come up with a list of the best wines to pair with Halloween candy. They say, “White wine goes great with Skittles, red wine goes great with Twix, and . . .we're alcoholics, aren't we?”

Conan O'Brien
Kim Kardashian said she might let her daughter North design clothes for her fashion line. I think North is up for it because she already created a bib that says "Get me out of here. Please, free me from these people!"

This Halloween, if you see a blue pumpkin, that means the house is handing out allergy-free treats. That's true. Of course, if you see a blue pumpkin, it could also mean the house is using last year's pumpkin.

The Late Show with David Letterman
Did you watch that World Series Game 7? Normally the winning team sprays each other with champagne. But because of recent disease and medical scares, last night the San Francisco Giants slathered each other with Purell.

The San Francisco Giants had a celebration after they defeated the Kansas City Royals last night in Kansas City. After that, they had another tribute to Derek Jeter.

If you get a doughnut and a croissant together, it's called a cronut. The Hello Deli next door has its own hybrid called the Eboli. It's half Ebola, half E. coli.

The CEO of Apple, Tim Cook, announced he is gay. Rival Samsung responded by saying their CEO is 50 percent more gay.

Fri, Jan 30, 2015

#3141

Late Night From 10/31

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
Happy Halloween. It seems like people are going all out with their costumes this year. In fact, last night the Cleveland Cavaliers went as the Knicks.

The Cavaliers lost their season opener against the Knicks in LeBron James' first game back in Cleveland. LeBron felt a little slow and awkward out there. Then he looked down and realized that former Miami teammate Dwayne Wade was still hanging onto him.

Health officials in countries affected by Ebola are encouraging people to stop shaking hands, and instead give an “Ebola handshake,” which is when you bump elbows with someone. That would be a great idea if they hadn't spent the past five years telling us to sneeze into our elbows.

Attorney General Eric Holder said the only person who could play him in a movie is Denzel Washington. Do you know who I think should play Holder? Oprah's boyfriend, Stedman.

The Late Show with David Letterman
Years ago I gave up the typical passing out of treats on Halloween because I thought it's bad for the kids to get them all gooned up on candy. So for the last few years I put out a complimentary salad bar.

This year for Halloween, my wife and I are going as the Clooneys. And Rene Zellweger is going as Rene Zellweger.

Who doesn't want to let strangers into their house during an Ebola epidemic?

Sunday is the New York City Marathon. Good luck to everybody who will be participating. Hillary Clinton, by the way, has not yet deciding whether she'll be running.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
We have a very spooky audience for Halloween. I feel like I've seen them before.

I like Halloween because it's the one day of the year I hear "Boo" and it's not someone reacting to my monologue.

I was thinking of going as Honey Boo Boo, but my costume got canceled.

I saw a kid dressed in bones. I said, "You a skeleton?" He said, "No, I'm a CBS viewer." Then I saw a kid dressed as an old woman. I said, "You a grandma?" He said, "No, I'm Bruce Jenner."

Jimmy Kimmel Live
A little boy dressed like a pumpkin said "Trick or treat" at 8 a.m. What are you supposed to do — make him an omelet?

Is trick or treating early in the morning a new thing? Now the early bird gets the gummy worm, too?

If you came to my house at 8 in the morning, I would turn a hose on you.

Daylight saving time ends this weekend. Don't forget to change the clocks in your house on Sunday, and the one in your car sometime in the next six to eight weeks.

Sat, Jan 31, 2015

#3142

Late Night From 11/03
Part 1

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
In Afghanistan researchers have found something called the "fanged vampire deer." It is an animal that hasn't been seen for 50 years. To be fair, if I lived in Afghanistan I would be keeping a low profile too.

The fanged vampire deer looks like what you'd get if Dracula hooked up with Bambi.

Apparently Tom Cruise is dating Lindsay Lohan. I think this is just a rumor started by the only people who desperately want it to be true — late-night talk-show hosts. We pray to the comedy gods for something like this.

Tom and Lindsay are dating. I can't believe this happens just as I'm about to get out of the late-night game. I might have to do another show. Just when I thought I was out, they keep pulling me back in.

Jimmy Kimmel Live
Last night daredevil Nik Wallenda walked blindfolded between two Chicago skyscrapers. The Discovery Channel used a 10-second delay so producers would have time to cut away if anything went wrong — thereby depriving viewers of the reason they were tuning in.

Here’s what I was thinking about today. If Nik Wallenda had mailed in an absentee election ballot and fell to his death last night, would his vote tomorrow still count?

Did you know more Americans will go to Starbucks tomorrow than will go to the polls to vote? I made that up, but it sounds kind of true, doesn't it?

Starbucks had a disappointing quarter revenue-wise. They might want to reconsider their business model of selling one mini-muffin to an unemployed writer who then sits there for 10 hours working on his screenplay without buying anything else.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
Tomorrow is the midterm elections. It's very important, so don't forget to head down to your local polling place and cancel out your dad's vote.

Don't ever let anyone tell you your vote doesn't count. You can cancel out your dad's vote.

The New York Marathon was held yesterday. The winning time was two hours, 10 minutes, and 55 seconds. Even more amazing, that is exactly how long it took my cab to get from 14th Street to 19th Street.

Members of the Danish National Chamber Orchestra released a video of themselves performing while eating the world's hottest chili peppers. In response, the Red Hot Chili Peppers released a video of themselves eating a Danish.

Sun, Feb 01, 2015

#3143

Late Night From 11/03
Part 2

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
Mary Keitany from Kenya won the women’s race at the New York City Marathon. You can tell she was fast because guys on the street didn't even have time to finish their catcalls.

Mary was fast. Experts say it's one of the most impressive races they've seen a woman run. Then Hillary said, “Stay tuned.”

Politicians are really getting desperate. In fact, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid sent out a final fundraising email to Democrats with the subject line, “I'm begging.” Because what better way to show you're a strong leader than acting like you're drunk and dialing your ex?

Last night daredevil Nik Wallenda successfully completed a tightrope walk of 500 feet between two Chicago skyscrapers. And then he took part in an even more dangerous stunt — walking through Chicago on the ground.

Conan O'Brien
Yesterday was the New York City Marathon. The marathon was won in record time by a Democrat candidate running away from President Obama.

Tomorrow is Election Day. That's the day we Americans wake up, consider our options, and then remember we didn't register to vote.

Daredevil Nik Wallenda broke a record when he walked blindfolded between two Chicago skyscrapers. Wallenda said he didn't do it to set a record. He did it because that's the safest way these days to walk through Chicago.

Christian Bale has dropped out of the upcoming Steve Jobs biopic. He was going to play Steve Jobs. He explained that he doesn't want to be typecast as a guy who wears all black and has a lot of gadgets.

The Late Show with David Letterman
Yesterday was the New York City Marathon. Republicans won in a landslide.

The marathon in the men's division was won by a Kenyan. Meanwhile, in Kenya, a pie-eating competition was won by an American.

Anybody last night watch that Wallenda guy? He first went across Niagara Falls, then across the Grand Canyon, and last night he walked between two Chicago skyscrapers. He got his start in this line of work as a White House fence jumper.

Tomorrow is Election Day. It's what they call the midterm elections, and you can cut the indifference with a knife. It's the day Americans leave work early and pretend to vote.

Mon, Feb 02, 2015

#3144

Late Night From 11/04

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
Today is the midterm elections. The Washington Post is predicting that there's a 98 percent chance of the Republicans taking the Senate and The New York Times says there's a 75 percent chance. And CNN said, “Wait, that’s today?”

President Obama spent Election Day away from any press coverage, attending closed-door meetings inside the White House. But on the bright side, it is nice to see some doors actually closed at the White House. It's a whole new Secret Service security thing.

During a speech on Sunday, President Obama said to the crowd, “We've got to vote. Vote. Vote. Vote. Vote. Vote.” This went on for an hour until someone finally fixed his teleprompter.

Democrats have been doing everything they can to get young people and college students to vote in the midterms. Though if you want students to participate in something, maybe you shouldn't call them midterms.

Conan O'Brien
Kim Kardashian tweeted that she is supporting President Obama in the midterm elections. I think it worked because all of the polls are predicting that after tonight Barack Obama will still be president of the United States.

In the midterm elections, a 102-year-old woman voted for the first time in a U.S. election. Unfortunately, she voted for Woodrow Wilson.

Utah could elect its first black Republican woman to Congress. In other words, Utah finally got one black person and the first thing they want to do is send her to Washington.

In Montana, a math teacher is running for the Senate. Win or lose, she plans on demanding a recount because math is fun.

Jimmy Kimmel Live
Today isn't just Election Day. It's National Candy Day today. I don't know. Didn't we just have National Candy Day — Halloween? That's National Candy Day. Today should be National Candy Nobody Wanted to Eat But It's the Only Thing Left in the Trick-or-Treat Bag Day.

Tomorrow is National Healthy Eating Day. But tomorrow is also National Doughnut Day, which seems like bad planning.

And then Thursday is National Nachos Day. Poor National Healthy Eating Day. It's totally outgunned.

I have my own tradition. On the night of National Healthy Eating Day, I leave a plate of kale out for Michelle Obama.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
Oprah’s list of favorite things came out today and includes her book, titled “What I Know for Sure.” Chapter 1: “You Will Buy Anything I Tell You To.”

Godzilla turned 60 yesterday. In the next movie, Godzilla will battle his newest enemy — bone density.

Next Monday "Sesame Street" will turn 45. “And yet still no ring,” said Bert to Ernie.

Tue, Feb 03, 2015

#3145

Late Night From 11/05
Part 1

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Thank heaven Election Day is over. No more campaign ads, no more mud-slinging, no more candidates pretending they're straight. It's over!

For the first time in history, Congress has 100 women in it. Congratulations. Welcome to modern times, America. It's great having 100 women in Congress. Unless you're in line for the congressional bathroom.

It's fantastic that Congress has an increasing number of women. Experts call an increasingly female presence in a previously male space "the Bruce Jenner effect."

Clay Aiken ran for Congress in North Carolina. But he didn't make it. Clay Aiken is famous for coming in second in a TV popularity contest that most people got fed up with years ago. He also lost on "American Idol."

Jimmy Kimmel Live
Yesterday was Election Day. Republicans picked up a lot of seats and won control of both chambers of Congress. That's key because whoever controls Congress controls the lunch menu at the cafeteria.

Republicans now have a majority in the Senate and House of Representatives for the first time in eight years. I guess when it was all said and done, the Republicans just had the better lawn signs.

Washington, D.C., voted to legalize recreational marijuana. Vice President Joe Biden celebrated quietly at home, contemplating the infinite nature of the universe.

Imagine Washington, D.C. If you thought Congress didn't get a lot of work done before, just wait until they get legal pot.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
According to data from yesterday’s midterms, only 13 percent of voters were under 30 years old. So America didn’t rock the vote so much as we soft-rocked the vote.

Republicans won enough seats to gain a majority in the Senate and increase their majority in the House. For those Democratic candidates who wanted to distance yourselves from Obama, congratulations. You did.

A North Carolina man says he used his “Never Ending Pasta Pass” from Olive Garden to eat at the restaurant 95 times in the past six weeks. Well, he didn’t say that, but his tombstone does.

Wed, Feb 04, 2015

#3146

Late Night From 11/05
Part 2

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
The big news is the midterm elections. Last night Republicans picked up a dozen seats in the House to give them their biggest majority since World War II. Or as they put it, "Time to party like it's 1939!"

Republicans also took control of the Senate after gaining another seven seats. I haven't seen the GOP get this many seats since Chris Christie made an airline reservation.

Republican Scott Brown lost his bid for Senate in New Hampshire last night, two years after he was voted out as Senator in Massachusetts. When asked what he was planning to do next, he said, “Are they still looking for a mayor in Toronto?”

Verizon and AT&T are facing criticism after it was revealed that they use “supercookies” on smartphones to track users' Internet activity. Americans said, "That is a total violation of our — wait, did you say supercookie?"

Conan O'Brien
The Republican Party had a big day in yesterday's midterm elections and now controls the House and Senate. And don't ask me how this happened, but the Republican Party also gained control of three seats in our show's band.

For the first time ever, a black Republican woman has been elected to Congress. President Obama told her, "You are all set. This country never turns against a black anything."

The country music awards took place tonight. The big winners were all white guys in cowboy hats. That's two nights in a row.

The Late Show with David Letterman
Yesterday was Election Day. If we have any Democrats in the audience, I'm sorry but you're going to have to give up your seats.

Was the election a drubbing or was it a shellacking? That's my only question. It's embarrassing. Even the Washington Redskins are demanding that the Democrats change their name.

A lot of issues were on the ballots. In New York City there was Proposition 14. That would put a ceiling on the number of late-night talk shows. And California passed Proposition 21. That would change guacamole officially to guac.

You know what happened today? When is this going to stop? There was another fence jumper at the White House. This time it was Obama trying to get out.

Thu, Feb 05, 2015

#3147

Late Night From 11/06
Part 1

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Netflix is making a series based on the Lemony Snicket books. I was in a Lemony Snicket movie they made back in 2004. I was a person of indeterminate gender. I can't remember who I played in the movie but I was a person of indeterminate gender.

That was the last movie I made before I came here to do this show. We talk-show hosts are middle-aged white guys and we make fun of people. I don't know why. It’s just a tradition.

Miley Cyrus is apparently dating Arnold Schwarzenegger's son. When Arnold heard about this, he said, "My son? You mean the one with Maria or the one with the maid?"

Jimmy Kimmel Live
Welcome to Hollywood. This is where it all happens. If you want to see where the stars live. Or if you want to see where the movies get made. Or if you want to see a panhandler dressed as Spider-Man asking for cigarettes, this is the place to be.

Discovery, formally the Discovery Channel — they changed it to make it more confusing — has a special on December 7 called "Eaten Alive" that will feature a man being eaten alive by an anaconda. So, if you were disappointed by the fact that Nik Wallenda didn't fall off that tightrope, this is your show.

"Eaten Alive" is causing controversy. Animal rights activists say it's cruel to the snake to feed a person to it and then yank the person out of its stomach. The right thing to do is to let the snake digest the guy.

I’ll bet "Eaten Alive" gets big ratings. If it does, I'm going to feed my sidekick Guillermo to a hippo.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
The drummer for rock band AC/DC has been charged with attempting to have two people killed by hit men. Authorities say the drummer would've done it himself but his last hit was over 20 years ago.

A new study shows that despite previous estimates there are only 2 million rats living in New York City. I guess the other 10 million are commuting from New Jersey.

It’s been announced that a Union soldier who fought at the Battle of Gettysburg in the Civil War will be awarded the Medal of Honor by President Obama over 151 years after his death. Even better, he finally got an appointment at the VA hospital.

Fri, Feb 06, 2015

#3148

Late Night From 11/06
Part 2

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
Now that the midterm elections are over, President Obama has invited congressional leaders from both parties to a meeting at the White House tomorrow. When asked if he's nervous, Obama said, "Oh, I'm not going to be there. I just invited them over. They can figure it out themselves. "

After Michael Jordan recently criticized President Obama's golf game, Obama responded by saying that Jordan should spend more time thinking about his basketball team, the Charlotte Hornets. Then Jordan said, “Do you really want to talk about whose team got crushed this week?"

On Tuesday, Utah Candidate Mia Love became the first black Republican woman elected to Congress. She's also a Mormon. Yeah, a black female Republican Mormon. Even unicorns are saying, "Not buyin' it."

There’s a rumor that the Today Show is going to hire Kate Middleton's younger sister, Pippa, as a news correspondent. It goes to show you that if you work hard and go to journalism school, you'll lose your dream job to a woman whose sister married a prince.

Conan O'Brien
For the first time in years, Burger King has beaten McDonald's in sales. They attribute it to their new offering: chicken fries. That’s why today McDonald's is offering burger shakes.

Bob Dylan's grandson is going to release a rap album next year. The album is titled, "Yo, Yo, Yo, I'm Bob Dylan's Grandson."

The Late Show with David Letterman
What a day. It's 53 and gloomy — like President Obama.

I was backstage, we hadn't even started the show, and I heard Fox News officially declare that it's too close to call this a show.

How about that election night? Here's the breakdown. The Republicans won the popular vote. The Democrats won the unpopular vote.

President Obama has two years left as president. I wouldn't be surprised if he gets to appoint two new Kardashian husbands.

Sat, Feb 07, 2015

#3149

Late Night From 11/07

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
I'm so excited. Jay Leno is on the show tonight. He brought some really funny jokes and some great stories. Although I'm a little concerned he also brought his old desk and Kevin Eubanks.

I just want Jay to be comfortable, but not too comfortable.

NBC Sports will air a special that follows Tom Brokaw as he goes pheasant hunting in South Dakota. He doesn't even shoot them. He just talks to them for two minutes until they go to sleep.

In an effort to boost ticket sales, the country's largest movie theater chain, Regal Entertainment, is adding motion, smells, wind, rain, and even bubbles to certain theaters — or you can go the cheaper route and watch Netflix on your phone in a car wash.

The Late Show with David Letterman
New York City has 2 million rats. We used to have 8 million rats. Now we're down to 2 million. You know what that means? We lose four electoral votes.

The Democrats were crushed in the midterm elections. The Republican juggernaut pounded the Democrats, and the pundits say they will not really know what happened to the Democrats until they find the black box.

The movie "Interstellar" opens today, starring Matthew McConaughey. There's trouble in the universe. And you know things have gone bad if Matthew McConaughey is going to straighten them out.

Here's the plot of "Interstellar." Refugees — they're known as Democrats — they're looking for a new planet.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
It is a great day for the great state of Texas. The last person being tested for Ebola has come back clean. So Texas is now Ebola free. This was a big week for them. They're now free of Ebola — and Democrats.

Democrats in state legislatures are at their lowest level since the 1920s. President Obama has a can't-miss strategy to save the party in 2016. He's leaving.

Director Oliver Stone says he's going to make a movie about Vladimir Putin. I can't believe anyone would want to work with that insane communist. And Putin is a little crazy as well.

Sun, Feb 08, 2015

#3150

Late Night From 11/10
Part 1

Jimmy Kimmel Live
Amazon has a new digital assistant. It's their version of Apple's Siri. It's called Echo. They say it's going to revolutionize the way we loudly repeat ourselves at electronic devices.

PepsiCo is developing a Doritos Mountain Dew called Dewitos. I think I’ll wait until they come out with Diet Dewitos.

It's unclear when Dewitos will be released. But if it does come out, stoners are going to have some very tough choices to make. Do I eat my Doritos or drink them?

I'm working on a combination of Ruffles and Red Bull. It tastes like America at its worst.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
This weekend George W. Bush said it’s a toss-up whether his brother Jeb will run for president in 2016. Bush said there’s a 40-40 chance.

A pastor at a controversial church in Harlem said last week that Starbucks is ground zero for Ebola. Unless “Ebola” is a new Norah Jones CD, I’m betting he’s wrong.

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