Jokes of the day

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Sun, Dec 21, 2014

#3101

Late Night From 09/17/14

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
President Obama hosted a picnic at the White House today for members of Congress. Obama said it was a great opportunity to gather every member of Congress in one place — so he could turn on the sprinklers. Payback!

The White House picnic was actually held one year after it was canceled. Last year the president had too much stuff going on to make time for a picnic, whereas now he just doesn't care anymore.

Hillary Clinton's supporters are calling on her to be more herself, after some of her recent appearances seemed to be too scripted. Hillary said, "I don’t know where you guys get this stuff. Shrug and shake head."

Conan O'Brien
Problems for the NFL continue. Last week Nike suspended Ray Rice's contract and today they suspended Adrian Peterson's contract. So now Nike is down to Oscar Pistorius and Kim Jong Un.

A Michigan funeral home is offering a drive-thru viewing option. Or as they're calling it, "Jack Actually in the Box."

Archaeologists discovered a skeleton couple that have been holding hands for 700 years. Hey dude, it's been 700 years. Make a move!

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
The new iPhone is going to be the biggest one yet. If iPhones were foreheads, this one would be Nicole Kidman. If they were disappointing basketball teams, this one would be the Lakers.

At San Francisco's airport last Tuesday, customs officials confiscated 20 giant millipedes. You should never bring a millipede on an airplane. There's just not enough leg room.

Tonight was the big finale of "America's Got Talent." It's my favorite TV talent show, if you don't count "The X Factor," "The Voice," "American Idol," "Top Chef," "Top Model," "Project Runway," and "Twerking With the Stars."

People call "America's Got Talent" AGT. That's how lazy we've become. We can't pronounce three words.

Jimmy Kimmel Live
Apple today released the iOS 8 mobile operating system, which means we finally have more versions of iOS than "Police Academy" movies.

They're saying iOS 8 is going to revolutionize the way we ignore our friends and family.

The people of Scotland are voting on whether to declare independence from the United Kingdom. If Scotland votes for Independence, it could have major ramifications. Great Britain is concerned that if they lose Scotland, they could be cut off from a major supply of bagpipes and kilts.

The official ballot is one line: "Should Scotland be an independent country?" And that's it. Why is it that I have to go through 18 pages of terms and conditions to download iOS 8 while a whole country can secede from the United Kingdom by checking a box that says "Yes"?

Mon, Dec 22, 2014

#3102

Thursday Sep 18 2014

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
During President Obama’s visit to an elementary school yesterday, one little boy actually asked him if he ever fought in the Civil War. Obama told the boy he did not, but he re-enacts it with Congress all the time.

Obama actually told the student, “No I was born in 1961.” Then the kid said, “Where?” Then Obama said, “Uh, next question.”

Matt Damon is planning to shoot a fourth “Bourne Identity” movie. It tells the story of an actor who gradually remembers he has four kids to send to college.

A new study found that artificial sweeteners in diet soda might actually increase some people's chances of obesity. Doctors recommend people just drink water, while people said, “No. We’re drinking diet soda. You guys figure it out.”

Conan O'Brien
A member of the Baltimore Ravens has retired from football so he can donate a kidney to his brother. Since receiving the new kidney, the brother has committed six felonies.

Patriots quarterback Tom Brady has put his post-college resume online for everyone to see. And it worked. He starts tomorrow at Quiznos.

A recent report says the majority of Americans cannot name the three branches of government — Judicial, Executive, and Legislative. To make it easier, the government is renaming those branches Kim, Khloe, and Kourtney.

The Islamic State is releasing its own "Grand Theft Auto" style of video game. In their version, the worse crime you can commit is letting a woman drive the car.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Today the 50th annual Mr. Olympia contest starts in Las Vegas. Arnold Schwarzenegger won it something like seven times. So just think. Today's winner might someday ruin the state of California.

Did you see last night's football game? It's a shame that the Buccaneers and Falcons were forced to battle like that. Pirates and birds are usually friends.

You can't make pirates and birds fight each other. That's like making Jay Leno fight classic cars. Or Nicole Kidman fight Botox.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
A man was arrested yesterday after the garbage bag he was carrying split open and a human head fell out. If he’s convicted, the man could receive a two-week suspension from the NFL.

Royal Caribbean cruises will soon be adding robotic bartenders that can shake drinks, cut limes, and precisely measure alcohol. While Carnival Cruises announced they will soon be adding plumbing.

A bachelorette party missing since Monday after a hurricane hit has been found and safely returned to California. When asked about the ordeal one of the girls said, “We were screaming, everything was spinning, there were bodies everywhere — and then the hurricane hit.”

Tue, Dec 23, 2014

#3103

Late Night From 09/19

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
Today is my 40th Birthday. And I’m not the only one having a birthday. This week, Iowa Senator Chuck Grassley celebrated his 81st birthday by going on a 6-mile run. Seriously? I just got winded walking out here from backstage.

During a speech this week, Joe Biden referred to Asia as the “Orient,” just hours after he apologized for using another term that offended Jewish people. The White House calls Biden's remarks “unfortunate,” while Obama calls them “a welcomed distraction.”

That’s right, Joe Biden referred to Asia as the “Orient,” and also offended Jewish people. Which means he's one “pull my finger” away from being my grandpa on Thanksgiving.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
In Germany it's the start of Oktoberfest. It is a time of many contradictions. It's called Oktoberfest but it starts in September. It's a joyous celebration but it takes place in Germany.

Oktoberfest is the best time to visit Germany. Probably the worst time would be about 1937.

Justin Bieber's monkey is not German. He is abandoned in Germany, but he's actually Canadian. He went from "Give me the banana" to "Papers, please."

This is true. In L.A. we're having something called "Vegan Oktoberfest." Man, we really know how to take the fun out of everything! Do you have beer with kale in it? Do you have organic schnitzel?

Wed, Dec 24, 2014

#3104

Late Night From 09/22
Part 1

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
It's a sad day as we hear that America's sweethearts — the Honey Boo Boos, Mama June and Sugar Bear — are separating. They're not consciously uncoupling. That's for people who eat kale.

Mama June and Sugar Bear are, and I quote, "broked up." Apparently Mama June caught Sugar Bear cheating with other women. They were Betty Crocker, Mrs. Butterworth, Little Debbie, Sara Lee, and Aunt Jemima.

The Secret Service is under scrutiny after a man jumped a fence and entered the White House. In their defense, when they saw a crazed maniac running down the White House lawn, they assumed it was Biden.

Earlier tonight, there was the new show "Gotham." It's about when Batman was a little boy and Robin was a little girl.

Jimmy Kimmel Live
Today is the first day of fall. But the weather doesn't change here. The only way we know what season it is in L.A. is by what Paris Hilton's dog is wearing. Today, cashmere sweater.

It was quite a weekend for Apple. Apple sold a record 10 million new iPhones this weekend, which I think is all of them.

There are no more of the new iPhones. If you didn't get one, you have to wait for the iPhone 7.

About 400,000 people marched in New York today to draw attention to climate change. They held up signs and banners. They chanted things like "Hey, hey, ho, ho, fossil fuels have got to go." You know when somebody begins a chant with "Hey, hey, ho, ho," they mean business.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
Tonight is our 100th show. We made it to 100 episodes. I want to thank the one group of people we couldn’t have done it without: people who drink coffee late in the afternoon even though they know it’s a bad idea.

The Secret Service is under investigation after two different men made it onto the White House grounds this weekend after jumping the fence. Said President Obama, “Jumping the fence, huh? Why didn’t I think of that?”

The militant group ISIS today released a new audio clip mocking American politicians, including John Kerry and John McCain. And Americans are really upset because they released it directly into everybody’s iTunes account.

Thu, Dec 25, 2014

#3105

Late Night From 09/22
Part 2

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
There were some major security issues at the White House over the weekend. On Friday, a guy got to the front doors of the White House, and on Saturday another guy jumped over the White House fence. Officials are wondering why it's so easy to get in, while Obama is wondering why it's so hard to get out.

Chicago is reversing its plan to name a high school after President Obama after it received multiple complaints from people in the community. I guess parents were afraid their kids would spend eight years at the school and still not get anything done.

There was another round of leaked photos of nude celebrities this weekend, which included Mary-Kate Olsen. Mary-Kate said she was extremely embarrassed. Then her twin sister Ashley said, "Yeah, me too."

Some sad news from the world of reality TV. Mama June and Sugar Bear from “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo” are splitting up. Their lawyers are citing unintelligible differences.

Conan O'Brien
A man scaled the White House fence and ran across the lawn to the front door. Is it just me or is "The Amazing Race" running out of ideas?

The White House has re-evaluated its security and today they announced they'll start locking the front door. They're also going to start asking who's there when someone knocks.

The CEO of JetBlue announced he'll step down in February. Of course, it being JetBlue his actual departure may be delayed until March.

In another celebrity photo leak, nude photos of Kim Kardashian have been posted to the Internet. Kim said she'd be very embarrassed if only she knew how.

The Late Show with David Letterman
It's the first day of fall. The leaves are falling and so is the confidence in Roger Goodell.

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell finally held a press conference on Friday. It was a tough press conference. They carried the guy out on a stretcher.

The situation in the NFL is awful. It's gotten so bad that even the Redskins want to change the commissioner's name.

Today was the opening of the U.N. General Assembly. There were 100 representatives from 135 nations in New York City — all here to pay tribute to Derek Jeter.

Fri, Dec 26, 2014

#3106

Late Night From 09/23
Part 1

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Bruce Springsteen is 65 years old today. Now when he's dancing in the dark, it's because of cataracts.

It's Sea Otter Awareness Week. It is taking the country by storm. Today Donald Trump put a sea otter on head. No one noticed.

Kris Jenner officially filed divorce from Bruce Jenner. They separated a year ago, but they waited until now to divorce because it's in the script.

Bruce Jenner says he's putting on a brave face. He took it out of the closet and put it on.

Jimmy Kimmel Live
Many of the leaders and assistants to the leaders from around the world were in attendance at the U.N. Climate Summit. They say this was arguably the most high-profile, significant meeting that will in no way change anything whatsoever.

Unfortunately, the leaders of two of the world's biggest polluters, China and India, did not show up for the summit. That's like Daniel Day-Lewis and Meryl Streep not showing up for the Oscars.

Kris and Bruce Jenner are getting divorced. Kris Jenner said it was a painful decision for her and Bruce and executive producer Ryan Seacrest. The Jenner family is asking that no one respect their privacy at this difficult time.

Poor Bruce Jenner. When I was growing up, he was the most famous Olympic athlete in the world. His face was on a box of Wheaties. Now his face isn't even on his face anymore. So watch out, Michael Phelps.

"According to a new estimate, Congress has had a full work week just 14 percent of the time since 1978. Congress said they planned to address the report next week because it's already Tuesday."

"According to a new report, Nigeria owes New York City over $500,000 in unpaid parking tickets for its foreign diplomats. Nigeria apologized and said they'll pay the fines right away if they we send them our bank account number, our PIN, and our mother's maiden name."

Late Night With Seth Meyers
Next week the Supreme Court returns to work and is expected to decide if statements made on social media should be enough to put someone in jail. And if your mom is on Facebook, you know the answer is yes. Something has to stop her behavior.

According to a new estimate, Congress has had a full work week just 14 percent of the time since 1978. Congress said they planned to address the report next week because it's already Tuesday.

According to a new report, Nigeria owes New York City over $500,000 in unpaid parking tickets for its foreign diplomats. Nigeria apologized and said they'll pay the fines right away if they we send them our bank account number, our PIN, and our mother's maiden name.

Sat, Dec 27, 2014

#3107

Late Night From 09/23
Part 2

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
The White House has been having big security issues lately, after an intruder actually managed to jump the fence and make it inside. The White House actually said they will start locking the doors. When asked if he wanted a key, Biden said, "I'm fine just using the doggie door."

In an interview, Bill Clinton hinted that his daughter Chelsea’s baby is due in early October. Though it got weird when reporters asked if it's a boy or a girl, and Hillary said, "I haven't decided yet."

House Speaker John Boehner is facing criticism over a recent speech where he suggested that unemployed people are lazy. Boehner would clarify his statements, but he was on his second two-week break of the month.

Tomorrow night is the premiere of the new game show “Sports Jeopardy.” It’s got some pretty difficult clues like, “This NFL player ISN’T being investigated for a crime right now.”

Conan O'Brien
People are still talking about this guy who hopped the fence and ran into the White House. President Obama is calling for a security crackdown. In fact, today he announced a new punishment for anyone who breaks into the White House: Now you have to be president.

Kris Jenner has filed for divorce from Bruce Jenner. There were rumors of another woman. So Bruce explained, "I am the other woman."

Students at a high school in Detroit sent a YouTube video to the Pope asking him to visit their school. They want to see if the Pope can visit Detroit and still believe there's a God.

Honey Boo Boo's father, Sugar Bear, is denying charges that he cheated on Honey Boo Boo's mother, Mama June. It's being called the worst children's bedtime story of all time.

The Late Show with David Letterman
The United States has launched airstrikes against ISIS. It's being called "Operation Approval Ratings."

It's bad enough when you're president, but now there are guys hopping the fence. They beefed up security at the White House. Isn't it about time? People were waiting in line to hop the fence.

This guy gets all the way to the front porch of the White House. So they beefed it up. The security people added to the front door one of the sliding chain things.

This guy hopped the fence, ran across the White House lawn, and almost got inside the White House. And the Republicans said, "Well, let's nominate this guy."

Sun, Dec 28, 2014

#3108

Late Night From 09/24

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
President Obama is facing criticism over an incident yesterday where he was holding a cup of coffee in his hand, and then used that same hand to salute a Marine. Though with all that's going on in the world, I'm surprised he didn't salute with a bottle of Jack Daniels in one hand and a cigarette in the other.

President Obama said that over 40 countries have offered to help the U.S. fight ISIS. Of course they said it the same way your friends do when they promise to help you move. "Yeah just call me, you know, if I'm around. It'll be fun."

The federal government is starting to plan for climate change by making extended forecasts that can help people plan for extreme weather — because what can go wrong when you combine the efficiency of government with the accuracy of weathermen?

Honey Boo Boo's Uncle Poodle announced that he just got engaged to his boyfriend, Alan. The family was shocked. They said, “What kind of name is Alan? Shouldn’t his name be Pork Rind or maybe Chicken Wing?”

Conan O'Brien
President Obama is being criticized for saluting a soldier while holding a pumpkin spice latte. Today he sincerely apologized while eating a maple glazed doughnut.

The Secret Service is considering several new measures to keep people from trying to get into the White House. The first thing they're going to do to keep people out is put up a sign that says "Blockbuster Video."

The federal prison population has dropped by almost 5,000 people. It's expected to go back up once the NFL season ends.

In an interview, Kim Cattrall said there could be another "Sex in the City" movie. An hour later, ISIS surrendered — there's only so much they can take.

The Late Show with David Letterman
Today is the Jewish new year — 5775. It's hard to believe we've been doing this show since 5754.

There's a picture of President Obama getting off his helicopter and he's got a cup of coffee in his hand, and he salutes the Marine guards with the cup of coffee. It's all part of the new Jerry Seinfeld series, "Presidents in Helicopters Getting Coffee."

President Obama addressed the U.N. today. Coincidentally, on the same day Chris Christie addressed the International House of Pancakes.

It's quite a responsibility for the president to address the U.N. Yesterday he spoke on climate change. Today he spoke on terrorism. And tomorrow he talks about how to buy real estate with no money down.

Mon, Dec 29, 2014

#3109

Late Night From 09/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
Attorney General Eric Holder announced today that he is resigning after five years with the administration. Obama said, "Wait, you can do that?"

Political reporters are complaining that the White House has been asking them to edit some of their stories to make the president look better. The White House said that's not true, and those reporters should please change what they said.

Bill Clinton said that riding wild horses in Mongolia and climbing Mount Kilimanjaro are on his bucket list. When asked what was on her bucket list, Hillary said, "Come on. Don’t make me say it. You know what it is."

Snoop Dogg is investing in a new app that helps people trade stocks more easily. It’s the first stock app that encourages people to both buy and sell high.

Conan O'Brien
Today is Rosh Hashana, the Jewish new year and the year 5775. Jewish scholars keep track of the number by counting the candles on Larry King's birthday cake.

The NFL has filmed a PSA warning women about breast cancer. That's a good thing. Then they filmed a PSA warning women about the NFL.

The Late Show with David Letterman
They've had security problems at the White House. Last weekend a couple of guys hopped the fence and ran in. One guy got all the way in and made himself a sandwich.

White House security problems won't happen anymore. They've decided that at night — it doesn't make any difference what's going on — they're locking that front door.

Security is so tight now that they've asked members of Congress to circle the White House — because that way nothing will get past.

Derek Jeter's final home game is tonight here in New York City. Derek Jeter has five rings. That's about the same as a Kardashian. But you admire a guy who knows when it's time to retire, you know?

Jimmy Kimmel Live
Remember Mike "The Situation" from "Jersey Shore"? He was indicted yesterday on tax fraud. He and his brother didn't pay on $8.9 million of income. Maybe he thought he had to pay taxes only on the money he deserved?

The new iPhones are out and some are complaining that their phones are bending. They say if you squeeze the ends hard enough, the phone will bend. And if you hit it with a hammer, the phone will break. Here's an idea. Don't bend the phone.

If you do bend the phone, wrap it around your wrist and tell people it's the Apple Watch. You'll be the first one to have it.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
Attorney General Eric Holder said today that he will resign after five years in office. When he heard about this, President Obama said, “Oh, he’s my ride. I gotta go.”

Tonight is Derek Jeter’s last game at Yankee Stadium. He’s finally coming to the end of an amazing career that spanned over 20 actresses.

Tue, Dec 30, 2014

#3110

Late Night From 09/26

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
Derek Jeter got the game-winning hit in his final game at Yankee Stadium. Guys on the other team could've thrown Jeter out, but they were busy trying to get that ball for themselves.

Jeter had the game-winning single. That must’ve been a once in a lifetime moment for him. You know, only getting to first base. Doesn’t really happen that much for Derek Jeter.

The Department of Defense unveiled a new policy that will let undocumented immigrants serve in the military. Is it me, or does that just sound like a sneaky way to get rid of immigrants?

Today Russia announced that it will join America’s fight with the terror group ISIS. Then Putin said, "But I did not say which side."

The Late Show with David Letterman
It's already autumn. Can you feel the difference in the seasonal change? Let me give you one sure example that it's autumn today. President Obama got off of a helicopter, and saluted a Marine with a cup of hot cider.

Yesterday was Derek Jeter's last home game, how about that. Jeter is 40 years old now. He's unemployed, and I'm thinking: Well, good luck getting a supermodel girlfriend now.

Chris and Bruce Jenner are getting a divorce. If for any reason Bruce is ever arrested for any crime of any sort, being married to a Kardashian counts as time served.

Bruce Jenner is putting on a brave face. His plastic surgeon said it would be ready Thursday.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
It's Johnny Appleseed day. It's a real day to celebrate the famous guy who went around America sowing his seeds wherever he went. He was the 19th century Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Today is a day to celebrate trees. But wait. Don't trees already have Arbor Day? You're getting greedy, trees.

CBS announced they're working on the new show "Supergirl." Supergirl made her first appearance in Action Comics in 1958. So she's 56 years old. In other words, she is just coming up to the age where she will be right for the CBS demographic.

I'm not familiar with Supergirl. I grew up in Scotland. We didn't have a Superman or Supergirl. Just a potato. Gazing at the potato in wonder. And the potato would sit there majestically.

This looks like a job for Super Potato! Taller than grass. Able to leap . . . not much. And tastes great too.

Wed, Dec 31, 2014

#3111

Late Night From 09/29
Part 1

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
George Clooney is off the market. Clooney and his bride got married in Italy on Saturday, and two days later they are still married! The wedding was so beautiful, it already won six Oscars.

Matt Damon was at the wedding, but Ben Affleck was not. That's because the Italian church has a very strict "One Batman" rule.

My advice to Clooney is to remember that marriage is complicated. It starts out pretty good, but then there are long rough patches, times when you want to leave. Oh, no, wait. I was thinking of "Oceans 13."

It will be strange seeing George Clooney with a wedding ring. Seeing Clooney with a wedding ring is like seeing Mel Gibson with a yarmulke. Or like seeing Matthew McConaughey with a shirt on. Or like seeing Honey Boo Boo with shoes. Or like seeing the Lakers with a victory. Or like seeing Bruce Jenner with a wrinkle.

Jimmy Kimmel Live
It's National Coffee Day today. Legend has it that coffee was discovered in the sixth century by an Ethiopian goat herder. He built a stand out of branches from an olive tree and started charging the goats $6 a cup for them. And the rest is history.

One of the most expensive coffees in the world is made by feeding beans to a creature-like cat. It eats the beans and they travel through its system, and when they come out the beans have a rich, mellow flavor. The guy that figured that out must have really loved coffee.

At one point or another, most everyone that drinks coffee has had his name spelled wrong on a coffee cup. I have a friend named Joe, and even his name has been spelled wrong. Not only is his name Joe, but they call coffee Joe, so it's the one name they should know how to spell.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
What a weekend it was. Derek Jeter and George Clooney both quit playing.

George Clooney finally got married this weekend in Venice, breaking the hearts of delusional aunts everywhere.

Chelsea Clinton gave birth to a daughter named Charlotte this weekend. Hillary Clinton was really excited until she remembered that you have to be 18 to vote.

A 102-year-old Long Island woman celebrated her birthday this weekend by going to White Castle. Services will be held tomorrow morning.

Thu, Jan 01, 2015

#3112

Late Night From 09/29
Part 2

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
This weekend the world said goodbye to one of the greatest players of all time. That's right, George Clooney finally got married.

Congratulations to Chelsea Clinton, who gave birth to a baby girl named Charlotte on Friday. Or as Hillary described the baby, “Third in line to the throne.”

Chelsea Clinton gave birth to a baby girl. And get this, she's already said her first word: "Iowa.”

Yesterday, Kenyan runner Dennis Kimetto ran the world's fastest marathon by finishing the Berlin Marathon in 2 hours, 2 minutes, and 57 seconds. He also set another record by being the first guy from Kenya to be named Dennis.

Conan O'Brien
George Clooney got married in Italy. His bachelor party was held over the course of the last 30 years.

You may be able to tell from my voice that I have a little bit of a cold tonight. But it's nothing that can't be cured by applause.

Microsoft has announced it's going to open its first flagship store in Manhattan. The Microsoft Store is expected to be just like the Apple Store, but without all of those pesky lines in front.

North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un has not appeared in public for weeks. There are rumors he's sick due to too much cheese, fried chicken, and beer. Sounds like someone is applying for American citizenship.

The Late Show with David Letterman
Over the weekend, George Clooney got married. Matt Damon and Julia Roberts were there. What was it, a wedding or a heist?

Evil dictator Kim Jong Un has not been seen in three weeks. I hate it when a recluse disappears, don't you?

Kim Jong Un didn't even show up at Clooney's wedding.

Congratulations to Chelsea Clinton. Over the weekend, she gave birth to a baby girl. The baby girl will not confirm or deny whether she's running in 2056.

Fri, Jan 02, 2015

#3113

Late Night From 09/30

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
Last night rookie quarterback Jimmy Garoppolo made his debut for the New England Patriots after Tom Brady made a ton of mistakes during the game. Even Garoppolo's family said, "Oh, we came to see Tom Brady."

The NFL recently hosted a football workshop in China. Unfortunately, most kids just ran when they heard the word “workshop.”

UPS is bringing 3-D printers to stores across the country so that customers can make their own products. It's all part of the new UPS business plan — going out of it.

Harley-Davidson is recalling more than 100,000 motorcycles because of a problem with the clutch that could cause crashes. As opposed to that other thing that causes crashes: dads in a mid-life crisis who have no business riding a Harley.

The Late Show with David Letterman
Your applause makes up for me not being invited to Clooney's wedding.

The bachelor party is still going on after George Clooney's wedding. He's been having a bachelor party for the last 20 years.

Last night the New England Patriots got routed 41-14, and a Kansas City Chiefs player was fined because he was in the end zone praying. That's different than the New York Jets. They pray to get INTO the end zone.

A mailman in New York City was arrested because they found 40,000 pieces of mail in his basement. The mailman said he didn't deliver the mail because he was too lazy. He just didn't have that special drive that it takes to be a mailman.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Olympic swimming champion Michael Phelps is in trouble. He was arrested for his second DUI. Because he is an athlete who is repeatedly in trouble with the law, today he was made an honorary member of the NFL.

Prince released his first new album in four years today. I haven't heard it yet. I only listen to music that Apple forcibly puts on my phone.

The Patriots got crushed last night 41-14. Some people are saying it's all over for quarterback Tom Brady. Because without football, what does he have left other than his money, Super Bowl rings, and supermodel wife?

The Patriots were tackling worse than the White House security team. Tom Brady had more bad throws than the pillow section at Bed, Bath & Beyond. And there were more fumbles than during a Joe Biden speech.

Jimmy Kimmel Live
McAfee, the Internet security firm, released its annual list of the most dangerous celebrities to search for online. The world's most dangerous person to search for online is me. If you search my name, there's a 1 in 5 chance you'll land on a malicious website. It's an honor just to be nominated, but to win this thing!

Who would have guessed that a boy who used to carry a briefcase to junior high and play the clarinet would wind up being the most dangerous person of 2014?

“SpongeBob SquarePants” is the subject of government criticism in Kazakhstan. According to their education ministry, SpongeBob is "a self-absorbed bully who regularly inflicts violence on others and seems to enjoy it." Well, of course SpongeBob is self-absorbed. He's a sponge.

You know what, Kazakhstan? If you don't like “SpongeBob SquarePants,” change it to your other channel. That's why you have two.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
Olympic gold medalist Michael Phelps was arrested early this morning for drunk driving. Police say Phelps aggravated the situation when they tried to give him a breathalyzer and he held his breath for six minutes.

It was reported today that the recent security breaches at the White House could cost the director of the Secret Service her job. Luckily, after she’s escorted out of the building, it should be pretty easy for her to get back in.

The Bravo network is under fire after it let go 16 editors from the show "Shahs of Sunset" after they tried to unionize. Said the editors, who’ve had to watch every episode of "Shahs of Sunset," “No, no, we said we wanted to be euthanized.”

Sat, Jan 03, 2015

#3114

Late Night From 10/01
Part 1

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Today is the "International Day of Older Persons." It's a day we entertain, amuse, and inspire the elderly. Or as CBS calls it, "a regular ol' weekday."

Justin Bieber punched a photographer in Paris. All I can say is he's your problem now, France.

Bieber is in France. He should go over the border to Germany and save that monkey that he left.

If this show was a monkey, I would leave it in Germany.

Jimmy Kimmel Live
Do you all feel safe right now? Are you aware that you're in the presence of the most dangerous person on the Internet? According to McAfee, my name, of all the names in the world, is the most dangerous name to search online. Last year I was 39th. But I really stepped up my game this year. I am now at the top of the virus heap.

I'm dangerous. Sometimes I even walk into Costco without my membership card.

I've never been No. 1 at anything before. All these crazy news reports today are starting to make me feel like the TV equivalent of the Ebola virus.

In California yesterday, Governor Jerry Brown signed the first state-wide ban on single-use plastic bags at grocery and convenience stores. I think it's very interesting that a guy named Brown is forcing us to buy paper bags.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
Today the director of the Secret Service, Julia Pierson, resigned. She’s being replaced by the White House’s new state-of-the-art security system — a scarecrow.

Julia Pierson resigned but she remained in good spirits on her way out. She even politely held the door for some weird guy who was coming in.

LeBron James' childhood will be the subject of an episode of a new children's TV series. Hopefully it'll help teach kids a valuable lesson — that they can do anything they put their mind to as long as they're amazing at basketball.

Scientists in northern California and Oregon found that marijuana gardens are threatening the salmon population. I don't see the problem, really. Everyone loves baked salmon.

Sun, Jan 04, 2015

#3115

Late Night From 10/01
Part 2

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
After all the recent security breaches at the White House, Julia Pierson, the director of the Secret Service, resigned today. She said she'll miss being in the White House, but knowing the Secret Service, she should be able to come back any time she wants. The door is always open, literally.

This week a reporter asked Mitt Romney if he would run again for president in 2016, and Romney said, “We'll see what happens.” Incidentally, that's also what he says anytime his wife asks him to dance.

In a new interview, Mitt Romney referred to Hillary Clinton as an “enabler” of the president's foreign policy. Which would be a big deal if that wasn't the definition of being secretary of state.

During a routine stop at the JFK airport, Customs officials recovered 3.7 pounds of cocaine hidden in a woman's platform shoes and purse. She might have gotten away with it if she didn't hide the drugs in the two things they always search at airports.

Conan O'Brien
The Secret Service let an armed ex-convict ride on the same elevator as President Obama. No word yet on which NFL player it was.

Today the Secret Service director submitted her resignation. Actually she jumped the White House fence, ran across the lawn, dove through a window, and handed it to the president.

The Secret Service maintains they can use lethal force to stop someone from entering the White House. After hearing this, President Obama invited tea party leaders over for lunch.

The gay rights group GLAAD has released its annual report on TV. The History Channel got a very poor grade from GLAAD, which is why today the History Channel announced its new show, "Gay Hitler."

The Late Show with David Letterman
We're having a special night. Everybody here in the balcony is a White House fence jumper.

Autumn is a beautiful time of year. At the White House, squirrels are rounding up nuts on the lawn, which is more than the Secret Service is doing.

Secret Service Director Julia Pierson has resigned. She hopped the fence and thanked President Obama.

A few weeks ago President Obama was riding in an elevator, and it turns out a guy on the elevator had a gun. This is pretty scary stuff. Not as scary as riding in an elevator with Ray Rice, but still scary.

Mon, Jan 05, 2015

#3116

Late Night From 10/02

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
After all the recent security problems at the White House, Julia Pierson, the director of the Secret Service, officially resigned yesterday. When asked what she'll do next, Pierson said she just wants to go home and spend some quality time letting strangers in her own house for a while.

With so much speculation about the 2016 presidential election, the website ElectHillary.com is being sold for almost $300,000 and the website ChrisChristiePresident2016.com is being sold for almost $50,000. Meanwhile, the website “Biden4Prez” is just a Tumblr set-up by Joe Biden. He'll take whatever — 50 bucks, 25 bucks.

General Mills, maker of Cheerios, announced that it plans to cut up to 800 jobs. The CEO said, “Our earnings report is nothing but zeros! Wait, I'm sorry, I just spilled some Cheerios on there. Never mind — no layoffs. I apologize.”

Conan O'Brien
The head of the Secret Service, Julia Pierson, resigned yesterday. We found out that she once worked at Disney World. She said she preferred working at the White House because people didn't have to wait in line to get in.

We also learned the new head of the Secret Service used to work for cable company Comcast. So now intruders can only sneak into the White House between the hours of 10:00 and 2:00.

The NFL announced possible sites for next year's draft have been narrowed to two locations. It's either Rikers Island or San Quentin.

Kanye West is in the news again. He was spotted smashing his iPhone in a fit of rage. Kanye was mad that Apple stole his idea of saying "I" before everything.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
A new study claims half of all married women have a back-up husband in mind. Here's what they're not telling us. Half of all husbands also have a back-up husband in mind.

A study claims that olive oil can repair damaged hearts. The study was conducted by Popeye.

An Australian man tried to rob a gas station with a boomerang. Police expect he'll return to the scene of the crime.

In Oakland, California a dog is officially running for mayor. He’s a German shepherd mix named Einstein. He even has a poster. The dog promises to lick his opponent.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
After a photographer was accused of harassing the royal baby Prince George, lawyers for Prince William and Kate Middleton said that their son “must be permitted to lead as ordinary a life as possible.” They then added, “Now get away from our castle!”

North Korea has reportedly been digging a tunnel all the way to South Korea. They’re making good progress because to dig the hole, they’re using the same team that shovels food into Kim Jong Un’s mouth.

In a recent statement, Vladimir Putin said that Ukraine “has always been and would continue to be the closest sister nation to Russia.” And sometimes sisters fight when one sister steals the other sister’s boyfriend Crimea.

Well, the husband of one of the “Real Housewives of New Jersey” has been sentenced to 41 months in prison. He says he’s disappointed in the judge’s decision, but 41 months away from his wife is better than nothing.

Tue, Jan 06, 2015

#3117

Late Night From 10/03

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
Secret Service Director Julia Pierson stepped down after two major security breaches at the White House. It turns out Pierson's first job was actually as a costumed character at Disney World. I'm guessing the character was Sleeping Beauty.

Pierson told her colleagues that the Secret Service actually needed to be more friendly and inviting like Disney World. I guess that's why all White House intruders got a $30 photo of themselves hopping the fence.

Scientists are suggesting that Pluto should be considered a planet again eight years after it was classified as a dwarf planet — and Americans are suggesting that scientists cut the crap about Pluto and figure out how to stop Ebola.

The Late Show with David Letterman
The Obamas celebrated their 22nd wedding anniversary. It was a quiet late-night supper. It was just the Obamas and a couple of White House fence jumpers.

They're doing everything they can to tighten security at the White House. Today, on the roof of the White House, they added one of those fake owls.

Secret Service Director Julia Pierson has resigned, and in her closing statement she said, "I'm leaving, not because of the breaches in security, but I don't think I can take the pressure of the upcoming trick-or-treaters."

Julia Pierson hopped over the fence and turned in her resignation.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
The world's oldest clown, Floyd "Creaky" Creekmore of Montana, passed away at age 98. He leaves a very big pair of shoes to fill.

I'm nervous about his funeral because if too many of his co-workers show up, it could be a real circus there.

All of Creaky's co-workers will be attending the funeral in a tiny little car.

This week Forbes magazine came out with their annual list of richest Americans. I was shocked. There are still magazines. It's like papery Internet with old stuff on it.

A man in Scotland spent 18 months panning for gold to make into a wedding ring for his bride-to-be. That's lovely. But he's not doing anything to dispel the stereotype that Scottish people are stingy.

Wed, Jan 07, 2015

#3118

Late Night From 10/06

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
A group in Russia has nominated Vladimir Putin for the Nobel Peace Prize. When Putin heard this he said, "I'm all about achieving piece — piece of Ukraine, piece of Poland. I hope to win many more pieces."

On Saturday the San Francisco Giants beat the Nationals in Washington in 18 innings. It was the longest postseason game in baseball history — proving that even in sports, it takes forever to get something done in Washington.

The No. 1 movie from this weekend, “Gone Girl,” made $38 million. It's about a wife whose husband tried to make her sit through an 18-inning baseball game.

The Late Show with David Letterman
Evil Russian dictator Vladimir Putin has been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize. He will not be able to attend the ceremony. That week he will be invading Poland.

The New York Jets were defeated 31-0. And NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell did nothing about it. Again!

Jets coach Rex Ryan is so desperate to forget the loss that today he gave himself a concussion.

Native Americans were so embarrassed about the game that they're demanding the Jets change their name.

Jimmy Kimmel Live
Facebook is reportedly thinking of ways to incorporate health into their array of services. Here's how it'll work: If you get a cut or a bruise or something, take a picture of it and post it. If it gets more than 100 likes, you're cured.

Facebook is planning to form support groups where you can post your symptoms online and then other Facebook users will weigh in with totally uninformed opinions about what it is.

Facebook probably figures they already control us emotionally, so why not get involved physically, too?

One great way to improve your health is to stop spending the whole day on Facebook.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
Former CIA Director Leon Panetta said it seems like President Obama has lost his way. Apparently, it’s gotten so bad that this morning Obama was seen asking a White House intruder for directions.

The New York Post says that Oscar Wilde is responsible for Kim Kardashian’s rise to fame because he was the first person “famous for being famous.” When asked her thoughts about it, Kim said, “Is Oscar the one that lives in a trash can?”

A cat in Florida had its life saved by a blood transfusion from a dog. Unfortunately, it later died from exhaustion after chasing itself around the house.

Thu, Jan 08, 2015

#3119

Late Night From 10/07

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
Today is Vladimir Putin’s 62nd birthday. He celebrated the way he always does: having someone try his cake before him.

Vladimir Putin turned 62 years old today. It must be tough buying him a gift. What do you get for the man who has everywhere?

The White House dismissed former Defense Secretary Leon Panetta's criticisms of President Obama, saying he has faced some of the most difficult issues of our time. That would be a great defense if EVERY president didn't face the most difficult issues of their time. That's the job.

At the Eiffel Tower they've installed a new glass floor that lets tourists see what's going on hundreds of feet below them. It celebrates France's favorite pastime: looking down on people.

The Late Show with David Letterman
In New York City, here's a sure sign it's autumn. Go to St. Patrick's Cathedral. You can tell it's autumn because they've replaced the holy water with cider.

Geno Smith, the Jets' quarterback, was supposed to be preparing for a game against San Diego, and instead of going to the team meeting he went to the movies. Maybe it's time to do some concussion testing on Geno.

People are upset because it now takes longer to get fast food. The average time to get your order is three minutes, four seconds — and people are outraged. Do what I do. While waiting, send out for a pizza.

Jimmy Kimmel Live
Today is Russian President Vladimir Putin's birthday, as those of you who are friends with him on Facebook know.

Putin turned 62 today. To celebrate, he took a trip to Siberia — you know, the place they send other people in Russia as punishment? That's where he had his birthday party.

It's interesting that in spite of all of Russia's troubles, Putin has an 80 percent approval rating, which I guess is something that happens when your pollsters carry machine guns.

In just a few hours there's going to be a total lunar eclipse. The moon will be a coppery red color. They call it a blood moon. I like that kind of thing but never enough to actually wake up to see it. I'd rather look at it on my computer the next day.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
Today is Vladimir Putin’s 62nd birthday. When he got his presents he said, “You didn't have to get me anything. I could have just taken it.”

Tech experts say Facebook is planning to launch a service that lets users send each other money using the site’s messaging feature. Said moms, “Oh, so NOW you’re happy I’m on Facebook?”

Archaeologists in Arizona have discovered the remains of a 1,300-year-old village. They found dwellings, stone tools, and hundreds of ballots cast for Senator John McCain.

Fri, Jan 09, 2015

#3120

Late Night From 10/08

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
A survey found that more than half of Americans see President Obama's time in office as a failure. While the rest said, "You saw him in his office? When?"

Obama was actually in his office yesterday. He met with his Secret Service director to talk about the recent White House security breaches. First they had to address the elephant in the room. Not metaphorically — an actual elephant wandered into the room. Security's just awful.

A new study estimates that only 3.4 percent of Americans will vote in the midterm elections next month. But on the bright side, 100 percent will still complain about the results.

It's rumored that a sequel is in the works to the 1996 movie “Independence Day.” I'm not sure how scary it will be. An alien invasion would be only like the fifth worst thing we’re dealing with right now.

The Late Show with David Letterman
A guy purchased Willie Nelson's hair for $37,000. Willy removed his braids and the guy bought them for $37,000. This is the kind of decision you make after spending the day on Willie's tour bus.

Last night they had one of those special lunar eclipses called a blood moon. The moon was glowing red, which means that the Republicans have gained another seat in the Senate.

Kim Jong Un is missing. Nobody's seen evil North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un for about a month now. And his daughter, Kim Kardashi Un, is worried sick.

Today is the 10th anniversary of when Martha Stewart had to go to the penitentiary. Martha was in a minimum security facility, like the White House.

Jimmy Kimmel Live
Did you hear what happened to Willie Nelson's hair? They sold it. There was an auction this week and a pair of Willie Nelson's braids sold for $37,000. It's a good deal because each braid has a street value of $80,000.

Willie's braids were apparently cut back in the '80s when his hair was red. Experts say they would have gone for even more if they had ever been shampooed or conditioned.

I don't know about you, but I don't have money to throw away on country music hair. I have to save up to buy new Apple products every two months.

Apple will unveil a new iPad this month. The last new iPad was unveiled less than a year ago. Unless you can sit on this one and fly, I'm going to stick with the old one.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
New York Comic Con is this weekend. It’s the world’s largest gathering of people who weren’t invited to any other gatherings.

This weekend a man in Oregon who is an advocate for the open carry of firearms was robbed at gunpoint. The thief apparently made off with the man’s entire argument.

Sat, Jan 10, 2015

#3121

Late Night From 10/09

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
They just announced that the budget deficit has shrunk to "only" $486 billion, which is the lowest it’s been since President Obama took office. Obama said, “Well, I guess we'll just have to work harder . . . Wait, is that good news?"

Today President Obama gave a speech in California to motivate young voters by discussing his commitment to new technology. Ironically, nobody heard him because they were all staring at their phones.

This week a spokesman for Harry Reid said that even though Joe Biden makes a lot of mistakes, he is still able to connect and tell us what's on his mind. That sounds less like a vice president and more like a chimpanzee that knows sign language.

New York state is spending $750 million to open a solar plant in Buffalo, which will create thousands of jobs. Most of those jobs will be shoveling the snow off the solar equipment.

The Late Show with David Letterman
The speed limit here in New York City used to be 30 miles an hour. Now it is 25 miles an hour. I've gotten out of a cab moving 25 miles an hour.

They're now putting in speed bumps too. For years in New York City it was just pedestrians.

Nobody had seen North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un for a week, then a month, and now six weeks have gone by and nobody's seen him. They really started to get worried when he didn't show up at the Clooney wedding.

They're getting ready for Halloween at the White House. The pumpkins they're carving came out of Michelle Obama's garden. She raised the pumpkins, and the knife they’re using to carve came from a guy who hopped over the fence.

Jimmy Kimmel Live
President Obama's in Los Angeles tonight for a night of fundraising and traffic jamming.

Traffic is so bad here to start with, and when the president comes in it just gets so much worse. Here's the thing: Obama has no understanding of commuting because he works from home. He has a home office.

Tickets for the fundraising event ranged from $1,000 to $32,000. For $32,000, you can meet President Obama. That seems very high, especially considering the fact that you can jump the fence at the White House and meet him for free.

Traffic aside, it's kind of nice to see people in L.A. raising millions of dollars for something that doesn't involve "Transformers" for a change.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
Kim Jong Un has been out of the public eye and North Korean officials say that it’s because he needs a total of 100 days to recover from his foot ailments. When asked what kind of foot ailments, they said “liposuction.”

Over 200 airplane cabin cleaners at LaGuardia Airport in New York have gone on strike over fears about the spread of Ebola. But then they saw LaGuardia Airport and decided to take their chances with Ebola.

Bookmakers have listed Pope Francis as the odds-on favorite to win the 2014 Nobel Peace Prize. So if you’re placing a bet on the results of the 2014 Nobel Peace Prize . . . you have a gambling problem.

A woman in the U.K. held a wedding ceremony to marry herself. "I don’t know how to tell you this, but I think that lady you just married might be crazy."

Sun, Jan 11, 2015

#3122

Late Night From 10/10

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
It’s reported that President Obama may take executive action to shut down the prison in Guantanamo Bay. It will backfire when the terrorists there say, "We're not going out there. Those new terrorists are scary! I got four meals a day here and I get my nails done. I like it here."

President Obama may close the Guantanamo prison. When asked how he plans on letting the prisoners out, Obama said, "I'll replace all the guards with Secret Service agents." They'll just wander out.

This is kind of weird. This week Obama criticized the GOP for being the party of billionaires — while he was speaking at a fundraiser at a billionaire's house!

I don't see how that story could get any worse. But did you see the name of that billionaire? He was Rich Richman. Are you kidding me? Rich Richman is the guy's name? That sounds like a Batman villain.

Rich Richman? Come on. Obama would have stayed longer, but he was late for his lunch with Dollars McMoneybags.

The Late Show with David Letterman
In London you can buy a hamburger for $1,700. Now, wait a minute, before you start bellyaching, yes, it comes with fries. It's $1,700. It's called the McSucker.

You know who they haven't seen in a while, Kim Jung Un, evil dictator of North Korea. They haven't seen him in, like, six weeks. He's probably spending more time executing his family.

Today is the birthday of White House dog Bo. He had a wonderful party at the White House — only three intruders … I believe Bo is actually now distancing himself from the president ... It's a bittersweet day for Bo because he was recently trashed in Leon Panetta's book.

Right around the corner is the midterm elections. There's an anti-incumbent mood in the country. People are sick and tired of people who have been in the job too long and are lazy and overpaid and out of ideas. Wait a minute. I'm sorry. That's me.

The administration now has a name for the war against ISIS. Every military operation has to have a name so people can get behind it, and they now have a name for the war against ISIS — Operation Hillary's Problem.

Mon, Jan 12, 2015

#3123

Late Night From 10/13

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
President Obama played his 200th round of golf yesterday. Then Democrats said, “You know what? He can do whatever he wants as long as he's not trying to campaign for us.”

President Obama was in California over the weekend to attend a fundraiser hosted by the creator of “Farmville.” Obama and the creator of "Farmville" have a lot in common. They both really wish it was still 2009.

A new survey found that people in New York are the most generous tippers at restaurants. You can tell the money's good because the other day I met an actress who dreams of becoming a waitress.

Runners from Kenya came in first, second, and third in the Chicago Marathon yesterday. Even crazier, all three runners turned out to be one dude lapping everyone.

The Late Show with David Letterman
Happy Columbus Day to everybody. Columbus had three ships: the Kim, the Kourtney, and the Khloe.

Scientists have proven beyond a shadow of a doubt that there is life after death — though they say it's virtually impossible to get decent Chinese food.

Today they announced the Nobel Prize winner for economics. It went to the guy who sold Derek Jeter's socks for 400 bucks.

Vladimir Putin was nominated but did not win the Nobel Peace Prize. Earlier today he said, "Who do I have to kill to win a Nobel Peace Prize?"

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Last week was the big fundraiser for President Obama hosted by Gwyneth Paltrow. It was hosted at her house. And people say Obama never reaches out to the inner city.

A fundraiser at Gwyneth Paltrow's house was a good idea for the president. He found the one person in America with lower approval ratings than his.

Gwyneth Paltrow told the president he was so handsome that she couldn't speak properly. I wish Obama would get a little bit more handsome so she would shut up forever.

Gwyneth Paltrow's neighbors were very upset because they didn't know about the fundraiser beforehand. Wow, that's the first time the Secret Service managed to keep a secret. Take that, people who can have me killed!

Jimmy Kimmel Live
A lot of people have a three-day weekend because of Columbus Day. In 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue and 522 years later a lot of people still get Monday off to celebrate. No one's received more credit for getting lost than Christopher Columbus in the history of mankind.

Unlike Columbus, if a pizza delivery guy got lost nobody would give him a day. They wouldn't even give him a tip.

As the story goes, Columbus was aiming for India, wound up in the Caribbean, and Americans have been terrible at geography ever since.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
Last week North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un missed a ceremony marking the 69th anniversary of the country. Experts say it's especially strange because he knew cake would be there.

Nobody knows where he is but the U.S. national security adviser says there is no evidence that Kim Jong Un has been overthrown. If anything, he was probably just tipped over.

Tue, Jan 13, 2015

#3124

Late Night From 10/14

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
North Korean leader Kim Jong Un made his first public appearance yesterday in over 40 days. But since he saw his shadow, that now means 60 more years of nuclear winter.

A new study has revealed that the reading level of presidential speeches has dropped significantly over the last 200 years. Or as Americans put it, “Why dat?”

The search engine Bing has a new feature that can predict who will lose in the midterm elections — because if anyone's good at predicting failure, it's Bing.

A bar in London has been named the world's best bar for the third year in a row. And if you want to know what it's like being at the world's best bar, just keep drinking in the bar you're at.

The Late Show with David Letterman
Here in New York City we are ranked as the fourth most rat-populated city in North America. We can do better than fourth, can't we?

The reason we're only fourth in rat population is most of our rats grow old and retire to Florida.

For the last two months evil North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un has been missing. Well, apparently he is back in public. It turns out he was buried in the end zone at Giants Stadium. He claims he was kidnapped by Neil Patrick Harris.

Because of health scares, they will be taking your temperature at airport security. Well, that should speed up lines.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Dictator Kim Jong Un is back. He'd been missing. No one knew where he was. No one had seen him for a long time. It was like he was hosting a talk show at 12:30 on CBS.

Hulk Hogan says he's going to wrestle again. He hasn't wrestled in years unless you count that sex tape.

Hulk Hogan is 61 years old. That's an old wrestler. He's such an old wrestler, his arch rival is stairs.

Before Hulk Hogan gets his teeth knocked out, he has to put them in. When he grabs a folding chair, it's to sit down. His signature move is a nap.

Jimmy Kimmel Live
The most rat-infested city in the United States is Chicago. New York is fourth. That surprised me. I think that report is a bit misleading. The list is based on the number of calls Orkin got last year in each city. In New York, if you see a rat you don't even bother to call.

Rats are considered to be roommates in New York. All you can do is ask them to pitch in on rent and hope for the best.

It's hard to believe but they say we have more rats here in L.A. than they have in New York City. I guess we're so focused on taking care of the Kardashian infestation that we forgot about the rats.

In North Korea, dictator Kim Jong Un made his first public appearance in over a month. He's put on weight and he's carrying a cane. Kim Jong Un is a top hat and a monocle away from being a Batman villain at this point.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
Today the Obama administration announced the 140 people selected from across the country to participate in the fall White House internship program. Unlike the White House itself, the internship program is very hard to get into.

North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un resurfaced yesterday after more than a month out of the public eye. U.S. officials think that the reason no one saw him for so long is that he was starring in an NBC sitcom.

Brad Pitt said in an interview this week that he doesn't feel safe in his own home without a gun. Said Pitt, "I don't even know half these kids."

On this day in 1912, President Teddy Roosevelt was shot, declined to go to the hospital, and gave a 90-minute speech with a bullet in his chest. Then on this day in 2012, I spent the whole day on WebMD because my eyelid wouldn't stop twitching.

Wed, Jan 14, 2015

#3125

Late Night From 10/15

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
During an interview, Senator John McCain declared that the U.S. isn't winning the war against ISIS. Even ISIS said, “Well, not with THAT attitude.”

Dallas Cowboys running back Joseph Randle was arrested for stealing cologne and a two-pack of underwear from a store in Texas. That's disappointing for two reasons. First, he was stealing. Second, he couldn't outrun a mall security guard. He’s an NFL running back. Break a tackle!

The marriage rate has hit an all-time low, with 1 in 5 adults over 25 having never been married. In fact, an ad firm has come up with slogans to get people on board. One slogan is: "Marriage, satisfaction guaranteed or your money back — half of it, anyway."

Another marriage ad slogan is: "Marriage — look how happy your parents turned out." And finally: "Marriage — because happy people are annoying."

The Late Show with David Letterman
New York City is overrun with rats. We have so many rats that today Mayor Bill de Blasio was on live television asking every citizen here to make sure to have your rat neutered.

A running back for the Dallas Cowboys was arrested for shoplifting $123 worth of underpants and cologne. He was planning a big night out, I guess. I'm sure the NFL is thinking to themselves, "Oh, thank God it was just shoplifting."

Donald Trump goes through $123 in cologne before lunch.

I was very happy to see that our old friend Jay Leno is coming back to television. He's coming back to CNBC and he's got a brand-new show. Jay drives a variety of exotic vehicles, and each week he runs down a different NBC executive.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Dallas Cowboy Joseph Randle issued an apology to his teammates today after being arrested for shoplifting underwear and cologne. Randle says the incident was the biggest mistake of his life. Easy there, Randle. It's not like you signed with the Raiders.

A group called "Clowns of America" is speaking out against the way they're depicted on TV. They're especially angry at the show "American Horror Story." The problem with clowns is the angrier they get, the funnier it is.

The president of "Clowns of America" says they should be treated with dignity and respect. Sounds to me like they don't want to be treated like clowns.

It's still dry here in L.A. The mayor said residents should cut water use by 20 percent. Unfortunately, he said it in English so nobody understood him.

Jimmy Kimmel Live
Macy's announced that this year they will open their stores starting at 6 p.m. on Thanksgiving day for Christmas shopping. So now there's even less time between sitting down to pray and be thankful and fighting a grandma for a flat-screen TV.

If you still have the energy to go shopping after you eat Thanksgiving dinner, you didn't do Thanksgiving dinner right in the first place. If only there were some kind of a device you could use where you could buy things and have them shipped directly to your home.

Colorado police are worried that children on Halloween might mistakenly eat edible marijuana. Marijuana is legal there and includes candies and baked goods. You can tell if your kid is high if he won't stop asking "Why?" when you answer his questions, or if he believes he has an imaginary friend.

Does your kid ride a bike around and around in circles? Does he take naps in the middle of the day or think there's something or someone hiding under the bed? Does he sit in front of the TV all day? If your child exhibits any of that behavior, call the police immediately. You probably have a little stoner on your hands.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
Today Bono apologized to fans for automatically adding the new U2 album to every iTunes account. Though it doesn’t help that the apology comes pre-loaded on the new Apple Watch.

It must have been a scary moment for people when they saw a U2 album in their iTunes and thought they’d accidentally grabbed their dad’s phone.

A new poll shows that only a slim majority of Americans think the country is prepared for an Ebola outbreak. But I think we deal with outbreaks pretty well. It only took us a couple of months to completely eradicate Gangnam Style.

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