Jokes of the day

3076 - 3100

Newest

Wed, Nov 26, 2014

#3076

Late Night From 08/26/14
Part 1

Jimmy Kimmel Live
Last night was the 66th annual Emmy Awards. An night of which all of television makes beautiful, sweet love to itself.

The Emmys are typically on Sunday night. But they moved them to Monday for the first time for 38 years. One reason is the VMAs were scheduled for Sunday night on MTV. For those of you too young to know, music videos are something MTV used to play before it turned into a network for pregnant teenagers.

The VMAs are a chance for all of the former Disney stars to show up with their new tongue piercings.

A rare copy of Action Comics No. 1, which was the first published appearance of Superman, just sold on eBay for $3.2 million. That's a lot of disposable income. To buy a comic about Superman, you have to be as rich as Batman. I think that means Superman wins, right?

Thu, Nov 27, 2014

#3077

Late Night From 08/26
Part 2

The Late Show with David Letterman
How about the Emmy Awards last night? Almost every show on TV was nominated for an Emmy, and once again I'd just like to say it's an honor to be ignored by your peers.

Did the Emmy Awards seem like a long show? I felt like Sophia Vergara's dress. I could hardly stay up.

President Obama watched the Emmys and said the U.S. would be out of the Emmys by 2017.

Over the weekend in California — a big one, a 6.0 earthquake. It was so powerful that Lindsey Lohan was driving on the right side of the road.

Fri, Nov 28, 2014

#3078

Late Night From 08/27
Part 1

Jimmy Kimmel Live
Apple is secretly developing a new product rumored to be the largest iPad they've ever made. It's said to be 12.9 inches across, and it will be the first iPad that folds out into a full-size bed.

I just spent a lot of money getting the small iPad and now there's a big iPad I'm also going to get. They come with a pre-shattered screen for that cool, broken-in look.

An iPad that's 12.9 inches — it doesn't sound big, but it is big. And it's going to make those people that take pictures with their iPad look even more ridiculous.

According to a report from the United Nations, the damage from global warming could be irreversible. It's clear we need to do something. We need to give the Earth the ice bucket challenge.

Sat, Nov 29, 2014

#3079

Late Night From 08/27
Part 2

The Late Show with David Letterman
You can now buy a pack of beer containing 99 cans. A 99-can pack of beer. Who says America has lost its competitive edge?

In Washington state you can now smoke weed. But they have something I've never heard of. It's weed soda. It is the opposite of diet soda, if you think about it. A minute ago I was just thirsty. Now I'm starving. Weed soda!

Burger King is moving to Canada. they bought the doughnut place, Tim Horton's. Financed by Warren Buffett, burger king will be moving to Canada to avoid paying taxes. Hearing about it, president Obama immediately took away Buffett's medal of freedom.

Sun, Nov 30, 2014

#3080

Late Night From 08/28
Part 1

Jimmy Kimmel Live
You know, it's hard to believe. But it's almost time for a new season of "Dancing with the Stars." According to TMZ, the producers have a dream list. I have my dream for the next "Dancing with the stars." His name is Rob Ford, Toronto mayor.

If Rob Ford doesn't win re-election, I'm going to try to book him to perform at our office holiday party.

According to an anthropologist from the University of Hawaii, who spent years studying this, Hello Kitty is not actually a cat. I hope the anthropologist was studying other stuff, too.

The anthropologist said she was preparing for a museum exhibit and according to the company that makes Hello Kitty, she is not a cat. She is a cartoon character. And a little girl. But not a cat. That makes as much sense as Hasbro announcing that Mr. Potato Head wasn't a potato.

Hello Kitty is a cat. I don't know why they would take that position. Maybe there's a translation issue.

Mon, Dec 01, 2014

#3081

Late Night From 08/28
Part 2

The Late Show with David Letterman
It's Labor Day weekend. Labor Day, of course, is a holiday where people take three days off from being unemployed.

It's Labor Day weekend — time to put up your Christmas decorations.

Chinese authorities have seized 30,000 tons of what? Chicken feet. Because they're tainted. Well, there goes my cookout.

Is there really a difference between tainted chicken feet and non-tainted chicken feet? It's negligible.

How many of you have kids heading off to college? Well, don't you worry, because that liberal arts degree, that thing is a license to print money.

Tue, Dec 02, 2014

#3082

Late Night From 09/01

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
It's Labor Day. How do we celebrate? Immigrant working. It's the day we say "Thank you" to the typical American worker. So, "Gracias."

It's a big holiday today. President Obama spent the day golfing. Then he remembered it was a holiday.

The weather is changing in L.A. It is hot here. How hot is it? Just yesterday, the cloud started raining nude celebrities.

In case you haven't heard, there are nude celebrities all over the Internet. I never thought I'd see the day. Someone hacked "the cloud." The cloud is something I don't really understand. It's like whatever language Honey Boo Boo speaks.

I'm telling you, Hollywood hasn't been rocked like this since the great kale shortage.

Wed, Dec 03, 2014

#3083

Late Night From 09/02
Part 1

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
Welcome to The Tonight Show. I'm your host, former iCloud user Jimmy Fallon.

Over the weekend a hacker got into Apple’s iCloud and leaked nude photos of a number of celebrities, including Jennifer Lawrence and Kim Kardashian. Jennifer wants to sue the hacker for damages, while Kim wants to pay the hacker for his trouble.

Texas Senator Ted Cruz has invited President Obama to play golf on the U.S.-Mexico border. Cruz thought it was a funny way to point out problems the president hasn't fixed yet. While Obama said, “So are we playing or not?”

A woman in Mexico claims that she turned 127 years old over the weekend. She says she’s still pretty happy, but worried that she's still single and almost in her 130s.

Conan O'Brien
It's rumored that next week the new iPhone is going to come out. It's going to come with a larger screen, more memory, and it can leak celebrity photos twice as fast.

A spokesperson for Jennifer Lawrence, one of the people who had nude photos leaked, is calling her nude leaked photos a violation of privacy. Meanwhile Kim Kardashian is calling her nude leaked photos "stuff I was going to release next week."

The man who released the nude photos of celebrities is admitting he's on the run. However, he's been given asylum by a shadowy group known only as “guys.”

Over the weekend the White House chef married an MSNBC news anchor. Or as Fox News reported it, "Person who serves the president marries person who serves the president."

Thu, Dec 04, 2014

#3084

Late Night From 09/02
Part 3

Jimmy Kimmel Live
I had a relaxing Labor Day weekend. It was a big weekend at the barbecue grill. I made Italian sausage with peppers and onions. And I ate and I ate. The object of Labor Day is to eat so much that I feel like I'm going into labor.

Nude photos of Jennifer Lawrence and other female stars were leaked online over the weekend. I think you can tell how good or bad a person you are based on how many seconds you wait to Google Jennifer Lawrence nude after hearing the news. Anything under 60, you're going to hell.

Early reports suggest that the culprits obtained photos by hacking into the Internet cloud through Apple's iPhone app. Apple is denying that. They're claiming hackers broke in by finding out email passwords. I think the CEO of Apple should be forced to apologize in the nude.

Next week they're expected to announce a new iPhone with a virtual wallet. Apple is believed to be partnering with American Express. The wallet would replace having to carry credit cards around. You can lose your naked pictures and all your money in one easy step.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie finally got married during a secret ceremony at a chateau in France. They said their vows surrounded by 100 of their closest children.

Today is Keanu Reeves’ 50th birthday. And it’s a good thing, too. Any lower than that and the bus explodes.

Reports say that several of the world’s leading kale farms are running out of seeds after the recent increase in demand for the vegetable. I guess they can’t grow it as fast as we can throw it in the garbage.

Fri, Dec 05, 2014

#3085

Late Night From 09/02
Part 2

The Late Show with David Letterman
What an awful day today. It's 90 and insufferable. No, wait a minute. That's me.

Here's how hot it is. I got on the subway this morning and I saw a rat eating a Dove Bar.

Dr. Phil is 64 years old today. People want to know what to get Dr. Phil. I say if you want to get him something, how about a medical degree?

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Do you read People magazine? Neither do I. But they released exclusive pictures of Angelina Jolie's wedding dress. I don't know about you, but I find it refreshing that people still get excited about pictures of celebrities wearing clothes.

Justin Bieber was arrested and charged with assault after his vehicle hit a mini-van. On the plus side, it was the first hit he's had in a while.

Happy birthday to Keanu Reeves. He turned 50 years old today. He announced his next movie, "Bill and Ted's Excellent Prostate Exam."

In Los Angeles we got our first Dunkin' Donuts shop. I can think of one reason why Dunkin' Donuts might not be successful here. It's the people of Los Angeles. They'll say, "Do you have kale doughnuts?" "Is it organic?" "Were these doughnuts raised humanely?"

Sat, Dec 06, 2014

#3086

Late Night From 09/03
Part 2

The Late Show with David Letterman
The NFL season kicks off tomorrow night. And then Friday is the start of the Super Bowl pregame show.

A survey showed that 71 percent of Americans do not believe Washington should drop the name of their team — the Redskins. Also, most Americans believe that New York should just drop the Jets altogether.

Apple is sprucing up the iPhone. Tomorrow you can get the new iPhone 6. The iPhone 6 is a lot like President Obama's hair. Every year it's lighter and thinner.

President Obama is back on the job, and he's visiting Estonia. He said he wanted to be there before Russian tanks rolled in.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Happy birthday to Charlie Sheen. He's 49 today. He went all out today with a huge party, tons of strippers, several arrests. Then somebody told him it was his birthday.

The organizers of New York City's St. Patrick's Day Parade said they are going to lift the ban on gay groups marching. Now the tough part — finding gay people who like parades.

Vladimir Putin said today he hopes to have a Ukrainian peace deal by Friday. He's reached out the olive branch. And if there's no peace deal by Friday, Putin said, "I will crush Ukraine like bug under boot."

Jimmy Kimmel Live
The drug store CVS announced that the corporation is changing itself to CVS Health, and they're no longer selling cigarettes. The CEO estimates the company will lose about $2 billion this year because they're not selling cigarettes. It is part of their customer health focus. But you'll still be able to buy tons of candy in the candy aisle.

Competitors of CVS, like Walgreens and Rite-Aid, have no plans to follow suit. As much as they understand the consequences of smoking they also understand the wonderful consequences of making $2 billion a year.

If CVS really wants to demonstrate a commitment to health and wellness, get rid of the automatic doors. If you can't push a door open you are not allowed to buy a two-liter bottle of Mountain Dew.

Sun, Dec 07, 2014

#3087

Late Night From 09/03
Part 1

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
President Obama will attend a NATO summit in Wales this week with 67 other world leaders. He’s trying to project strength, so the White House says he'll be wearing his toughest shade of tan suit.

President Obama will be at a NATO summit, where he will discuss the recent actions of Vladimir Putin, who wasn't invited. Then Putin said, "Has that ever stop me before?"

There’s another hacking scandal. Home Depot is now investigating the hack of its customers' credit card information. They would have targeted Home Depot employees too, but the hackers couldn't find any.

Los Angeles is considering a new plan to boost the city’s minimum wage to $13.25 an hour. It’s getting huge support across the entire country — of Mexico.

Conan O'Brien
Apple plans to launch a mobile wallet to replace credit cards. That's good because if there's one company you want to trust with your money, it's the company that leaked your nude photos.

A glitch in the John Madden NFL game has accidentally created a player who is 1 foot tall. Another glitch accidentally created an NFL player with no criminal record.

Five geckos sent into space as part of an experiment have all died. On the bright side, they were able to save 15 percent on their car insurance.

Amazon has announced that its chief financial officer will retire after 12 years on the job. But the moment Amazon's chief retires he'll recommend another CFO that Amazon might also like.

Mon, Dec 08, 2014

#3088

Late Night From 09/04
Part 1

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
It is a sad day for us in the comedy community. We lost Joan Rivers, one of the all-time greats. It is terribly sad. I just hope that when Joan meets the man upstairs, he's wearing something she can insult.

Football's back. Everyone was excited for the big NFL kickoff. John Madden ate an entire side of beef and ran through a brick wall. Then he found out about the kickoff.

Surprisingly, only two teams played tonight, but the Oakland Raiders have already been eliminated from the playoffs.

Happy birthday to Los Angeles. The city was founded on this day in 1781. The land was first discovered by an old prospector who said, "There's Botox in them thar hills. And kale."

Jimmy Kimmel Live
We lost a comedy legend today. The great Joan Rivers passed away. She was 81 years old. Besides being a pioneer for women in comedy, Joan was a lucky person because she loved her job so much. She never wanted to stop. And she didn't have to stop because she was so great at it.

Sarah Silverman is on the show. I'm especially glad that Sarah's here tonight. For those of you who don't know, Sarah and I dated during the whole Paris Hilton administration.

We have a very talented musical guest here tonight by the name of Hunter Hayes. He's only 22 years old but has won four Grammy Awards. Hunter plays more than 30 musical instruments. Hunter's parents must have spent a fortune on lessons.

The NFL season kicked off officially tonight. It's that magical time of the year when millions of Americans transition from checking Facebook all day at work to checking their fantasy football lineups all day at work.

Tue, Dec 09, 2014

#3089

Late Night From 09/04
Part 2

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
ABC announced that Rosie Perez will join Rosie O’Donnell and Whoopi Goldberg as the new co-hosts of “The View.” Which explains the show's new sponsor: Bose noise-canceling headphones.

Yesterday John Kerry joined five previous secretaries of state at a groundbreaking ceremony for a new diplomacy museum. Sorry, I just fell asleep saying that.

While the diplomacy museum is just a pile of dirt now, pretty soon it'll be even LESS interesting.

Police in California are looking for a thief who has stolen from the same Costco four different times. They say it could take months, or even years to find him — you know, because he's still in the Costco.

The Late Show with David Letterman
Rosie O'Donnell is going to be on "The View" and today they announced they hired Rosie Perez. So the show has two Rosies. That's unprecedented in television. I was hoping for another Whoopi.

Evil hackers have figured out how to get photos that are private property and they're selling them. It's a felony. Naked photos of Kim Kardashian were hacked and I thought, Well, she's naked on her driver's license, so how big a deal is that, honestly?

What the hackers do is they collect the naked photos and then they trade them like baseball cards and there's a lot of money. For example, you can get $10 million for a naked Honus Wagner.

Chris Christie has to brush up on foreign policy, so he went to Mexico. Remember when he was in Africa? He was followed by ivory poachers. Now he's in Mexico, and he was taunted by a matador.

Wed, Dec 10, 2014

#3090

Late Night From 09/05

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
Happy Birthday to New Jersey Governor Chris Christie, who turns 52 years old tomorrow. The star of TLC's show “Cake Boss” is actually making the cake for Chris Christie's birthday party. In fact, I hear he's even making the cake in the shape of Christie's favorite thing: cake.

Of course, it’ll get weird when Chris Christie's family says, "No, no, no, you're supposed to blow the candles out BEFORE you eat it!"

The White House has decided not to send President Obama to campaign in battleground states because his low approval ratings could hurt Democrats. They’re only sending him where he can’t do any damage — or as that’s also known, “The Biden Circuit.”

The Late Show with David Letterman
Fall is just around the corner. A sure sign that fall is not that far off is the New York Mets have gone into hibernation. Happens every year.

The NFL is back in season. A guy who plays for the Broncos, Wes Welker, has been suspended for four games for taking drugs at the Kentucky Derby. He finished sixth.

The iPhone 6 will be launched on Tuesday. It has an improved memory. It's just the opposite of me.

President Obama is getting tough with that Vladimir Putin. Boy, what a bad guy that guy is, that Vladimir Putin. Obama is really getting tough with him. Now he's wearing a much more aggressive shade of beige.

Jimmy Kimmel Live
From "Fox NFL Sunday," Terry Bradshaw is here with us tonight. Here's here to raise awareness of the little-known sport of football for us.

A new NFL season started last night as the Seattle Seahawks beat the Green Bay Packers. A lot of guys that work here, if you took them to Comic-Con, they would laugh at the superheroes. Yesterday, about 10 of those guys showed up to work wearing Green Bay Packers jerseys.

Starbucks has a new business plan. Starbucks is planning to open about 100 new upscale coffee shops with more expensive coffee. It's for customers who feel that the regular Starbucks prices are too reasonable, I guess.

It's good to see Starbucks sticking with doing what they do best, which is opening more Starbucks.

Thu, Dec 11, 2014

#3091

Late Night From 09/08
Part 1

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
It was a terrifying day here in L.A. The City of Angels has been struck by a disaster called "light rain." The mayor of L.A. was considering declaring a state of emergency because thousands of people had to change their outdoor brunch plans.

The rain was terrible in Los Angeles. The rush hour here was crazy. The highways were jammed. Traffic was bumper to bumper and people were driving like idiots all over the place. Then it started to rain.

The rain in L.A. was around an eighth of an inch. That's it, California. The drought is over. Go back to leaving your faucets on all the time. Open up a free car wash. It's over.

Jimmy Kimmel Live
I watched a lot of football this weekend. I spent about 14 hours on the couch watching other people exercise. How much did I exercise this weekend? Not one second. I'm even thinking about hiring someone to carry me back and forth from the refrigerator to the TV set.

This weekend there were dozens of football games and thousands of car commercials starring Matthew McConaughey driving around in a Lincoln, talking to himself. Is it possible he got high and thought he was doing the second season of "True Detective" alone this time?

It was quite an opening NFL weekend. Dallas quarterback Tony Romo was handing out interceptions like "The Bachelor" hands out roses.

Our former governor, Arnold Schwarzenegger, returned today to Sacramento, where they unveiled his official portrait. They do this for all the governors, even the ones who were in "The Expendables."

Late Night With Seth Meyers
This weekend a Native American group gathered outside of the Houston-Washington game to protest the Redskins’ nickname. And a group of Cowboys wide receivers gathered outside of the Dallas-San Francisco game because that’s where most of Tony Romo’s passes were landing.

This week President Obama will announce his plans for addressing the threat posed by ISIS extremists in Iraq. It’s an incredibly difficult situation. I think at this point he should just tell Liam Neeson that they have his daughter.

Today is the 48th anniversary of the first episode of "Star Trek." And if you already knew that, it’s probably the only anniversary you have to remember.

Fri, Dec 12, 2014

#3092

Late Night From 09/08
Part 2

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
On Friday President Obama made a surprise visit to Stonehenge on his way back from the NATO summit in Wales. And even crazier — today he made a surprise visit to the White House.

President Obama visited Stonehenge. It was going well until Biden said, “Look at the size of those dominoes.”

The Department of Transportation is considering building a new high-speed train that could get people from D.C. to Baltimore in 15 minutes. It gets you out of Washington in 15 minutes — or as President Obama calls that, “Still not fast enough.”

AMC is coming out with a spin-off of “The Walking Dead” that will show the apocalypse in other parts of the world. It's called “The News.”

Conan O'Brien
Over the weekend President Obama visited Stonehenge. Yes, the cold, rigid entity no one can quite figure out said he enjoyed Stonehenge.

It actually rained in Los Angeles today. In response to the rain, Apple's CEO said, "See, all clouds occasionally leak."

Reportedly the identity of Jack the Ripper, who killed five people in London, finally has been revealed. After hearing about it, the commissioner of the NFL suspended him for two games.

I was watching "Sunday Night Football" and I hit the info button on the remote control. It said, "Auditions for 'America's Most Wanted.'"

The Late Show with David Letterman
Prince William and wife Kate are expecting another baby. This is big news — in the year 1614.

Now there will be two royal babies. This guy is going to have to start looking for a job, you know what I mean?

Also from England, it turns out they have now identified Jack the Ripper. They found the DNA off an old white Ford Bronco. Not only that, but they now know the guy was married to Kelly Ripper.

On this date in 1974, Gerald Ford pardoned Richard Nixon. A lot of people think Nixon's trouble was for Watergate, but it was not. It was for wearing a tan suit.

Sat, Dec 13, 2014

#3093

Late Night From 09/09

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
Apple announced the iPhone 6 today, which they say has a more durable screen that won't crack or scratch as easily. Or as your kids put it, “Challenge accepted!”

Apple promised less cracking. Then Toronto Mayor Rob Ford said, "Hey, that's my campaign slogan."

Everyone goes through the different stages of buying a new iPhone: The first stage is “I don't need a new phone," followed by “Maybe I'll just check it out in the store,” followed by “Maybe something will happen to my current phone," followed by, “Oh no, it 'fell' in the toilet."

Amazon has cut the price of its Fire smartphone to just 99 cents to compete with the new iPhone. When they heard, even Blackberry said, "At least go out with dignity, man."

Conan O'Brien
Today Trump Entertainment Resorts declared Chapter 11 bankruptcy. Or as Donald Trump described Chapter 11, “back-to-back No. 1's.”

Ray Rice is now being removed from the “Madden 15” video game. A spokesperson said violence against women doesn't belong in “Madden 15.” It belongs in "Grand Theft Auto."

An English-speaking man went into a coma and came out speaking only Mandarin Chinese. It's a true story. On the bright side, now he can find work.

The Late Show with David Letterman
The new iPhone 6 came out today. It's the iPhone 6 because that's how many minutes the battery will last.

At the Apple store, the people waiting in line for the iPhone 6 were trampled by the people waiting for the iPhone 7.

Jack the Ripper, the horrible serial killer in England, never was identified. Well, now they found out who he was. The case was finally solved by CSI: Ripper Unit.

As you remember, Jack the Ripper was arrested and sent to prison for stealing back his sports memorabilia.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Prince William and his bride are expecting her second baby. That's pretty quick for Kate to have a second baby. It's almost as if producing an heir is her job.

The royal couple had to keep Kate's pregnancy secret from the rest of the royal family. And that’s not easy because Prince Charles is all ears.

It's too early to speculate on names, but my money is on "Prince Northwest."

Jimmy Kimmel Live
Apple introduced several highly anticipated new products, including two new iPhones: the iPhone 6 and the iPhone 6 Plus, as in plus another $100. Both of the new iPhones have a much bigger screen for us to shatter than the previous iPhone.

The most anticipated announcement is what they're calling the Apple Watch. It comes in two sizes and has a magnetic charger. It's just like my Pac-Man watch from 1982.

The Apple Watch can also track your movements to tell you how much you've exercised in a day. And then laugh at you at the end of the day.

Mike Tyson, for reasons unknown, stopped by City Hall to meet with Toronto Mayor Rob Ford. Mike Tyson and Rob Ford — what could possibly go right?

Sun, Dec 14, 2014

#3094

Late Night From 09/10
Part 1

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Justin Bieber was booed by an audience at a fashion event in New York. He's being rejected by people who used to love him. Now he knows how that monkey he left in Germany feels.

Two 90-year-old lesbians were married today in Iowa. That was tonight's installment of "Things I never guessed would happen in Iowa."

Pictures of the happy lesbian couple haven't been made public. But if you see 90-year-old lesbians in Iowa, odds are it's them.

At yesterday's big Apple event, music guests U2 gave away their new album for free. I suppose that means they are working "pro Bono."

Jimmy Kimmel Live
President Obama was on TV tonight. He gave a prime-time address to detail his plan to stop ISIS. And also to give his pick for tomorrow night's game between the Ravens and the Steelers.

The president reassured Americans that while we face no immediate threat from ISIS, we've got a ton of bombs sitting around so we're going to use them.

Guess who we may be partnering with to fight ISIS. None other than Iran. Iran used to be our enemy back, like, last week, but now we may be upgrading our relationship to frenemy.

It's never good news when the president addresses the nation in prime time. He never comes out and says, "Great job, everybody. I'm throwing y'all a pizza party."

Late Night With Seth Meyers
Today The New York Times had to issue a correction after it mistakenly referred to Dick Cheney as a former president. Of course, George W. Bush made that same mistake all the time.

A federal investigation has found the Department of Homeland Security is “ill-prepared” for a potential disease pandemic. I’m not sure I agree. They did a great job of wiping out Bieber Fever.

Yesterday Mike Tyson traveled to Toronto and met with Mayor Rob Ford. It was a meeting between one of the most dangerous heavyweights ever and Mike Tyson.

Mike Tyson and Rob Ford had a meeting. If you’d like to see a transcript of their conversation, just have your cat walk back and forth on your keyboard.

Mon, Dec 15, 2014

#3095

Late Night From 09/10
Part 2

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
Yesterday New York Governor Andrew Cuomo won the Democratic primary after a close race against an opponent named Zephyr Teachout. I know what you're thinking: Is Zypher Teachout a man or a woman? And the answer is . . . probably.

Mike Tyson was in Canada yesterday and actually met up with Toronto Mayor Rob Ford. Of course, it got weird when someone yelled, “Loved you in ‘The Hangover!’” and they both said, “Thanks!”

Joe Biden will be in Baltimore this weekend to celebrate the 200th anniversary of "The Star-Spangled Banner." Yeah, 200 years — or, roughly how long it takes today's pop singers to finish the national anthem.

There were no injuries this week when a truck in San Diego overturned and spilled thousands of oranges on a highway. But it did mark the first time in 20 years people in California were yelling, "Look out! OJ is on the highway."

Conan O'Brien
Tonight President Obama will make a prime-time speech about how we're going to deal with violent extremists and their sickening behavior. And when he's done talking about the NFL, he'll talk about ISIS.

The NFL is, of course, coming under a lot of fire. Today it came out that law enforcement sent a copy of the Ray Rice video to NFL headquarters back in April. Then the NFL commissioner apologized, saying the video got buried in the stack of other illegal things NFL players are doing.

Microsoft plans on renaming its smartphone. So far their first choice is the “Microsoft iPhone.”

The New York Times had to issue a correction after an article referred to Dick Cheney as president of the United States. The Times apologized to Dick Cheney and changed his title to "former president of the United States."

The Late Show with David Letterman
New York City is now selling something like 10 prime parking spots. Each parking spot will cost you a million dollars. In a related story, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell will pay you a million dollars for the spot he's in.

Earlier tonight President Obama spoke to Americans. Obama is getting tough with ISIS. He's now going to force them to sell their NBA team.

Here is Obama's 3-part plan. First, we're going to gather intelligence. Next, we're going to launch air strikes. And third, his plan is to lose the midterm elections. So he's got a full plate ahead of him.

Did you get the new iPhone yet? The iPhone that I have is outdated. It has two pieces and a hand crank.

Tue, Dec 16, 2014

#3096

Late Night From 09/11

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
During a speech last night, President Obama announced that the U.S. will lead a huge multinational coalition to fight the terror groups in Iraq. Of course, most people just turned it off because they thought it was a rerun.

The number of single people in the U.S. is at its highest level in 38 years. I think the makers of Häagen-Dazs and the makers of Hot Pockets just high-fived each other.

Conan O'Brien
Apple is now saying that the new Apple Watch needs to be charged every single day. Also charged every single day: someone in the NFL.

The National Organization for Women is calling for NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell to resign. They made their demand in a video that Commissioner Goodell said he will watch in five months.

A young violinist from Lithuania played violin for three hours while she was undergoing brain surgery. Yeah, she was undergoing brain surgery and she played the violin the whole time. Man, those are some strict parents.

Ben & Jerry's has introduced what they're calling a marijuana-friendly ice cream. They're calling it "ice cream."

The Late Show with David Letterman
In New York City today it was cloudy — just like Roger Goodell's future.

Tonight's the premiere of Thursday Night Football here on CBS. CBS Sports has cameras everywhere — on the sidelines, in the end zones, in the blimps. The only camera the NFL is not interested in is the one in the elevator.

They're now selling parking places in New York. You can buy a premium parking place for $1 million. When President Obama heard that, he said, "Hey, wait a minute. I'll give you $2 million if you will take the place I'm in."

Don't get the wrong idea. These New York parking places are not only for the wealthy. Anybody with $1 million can buy one. By the way, I understand there's a parking place available in the players' lot at the Baltimore Ravens' stadium.

Jimmy Kimmel Live
A new condo development in New York is charging a million dollars for parking spots. A million dollars to park your car — wouldn't it be cheaper to just get a ticket every day for the rest of your life and park wherever you want?

Apparently Taylor Swift and Katy Perry are fighting. That's according to my source, which is a group of 12-year-old girls I ran across in the street.

Usually when you hear Katy Perry versus Taylor Swift, it's a drunk bachelorette party argument over what karaoke song to sing.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
Congress sent a letter to NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell Wednesday demanding "the highest level of transparency" concerning the league’s handling of the Ray Rice domestic violence incident. That’s right, Congress sent him a letter. They would have sent a video, but they wanted Goodell to see it.

People who purchased Olive Garden’s 7-week unlimited pasta pass are being told that they must show their ID in the restaurant to prevent fraudulent use of the cards. Unfortunately, by week 5 none of them will look anything like their IDs.

It’s been discovered that a healthy 24-year-old woman in China has lived her whole life without a major part of her brain. Scientists are calling her “the lost Kardashian.”

Wed, Dec 17, 2014

#3097

Late Night From 09/12

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
This week President Obama gave a big speech from White House where he outlined his plan to quote “degrade and ultimately destroy” the terror group ISIS. When asked how, he said, "I’ll build their website."

British Prime Minister David Cameron went to Scotland this week to persuade citizens of the country to vote “no” on leaving the U.K. He said, “It's never worked out for anyone-well except America, and Canada, Australia, India, and . . . I'll stop talking now.”

Alex Trebek is bringing back his mustache for the new season of “Jeopardy,” 13 years after he shaved it off. Or in other words, my mom's letters finally worked.

A former executive with the New York Mets is suing the team for firing her because she was pregnant and unmarried. She didn’t fit in with the team — you know, because this year she actually delivered.

The Late Show with David Letterman
It turns out that country singer Larry Gatlin is a global policy genius and he's writing policy memos to president Obama. I think I'll wait to hear what Kenny Chesney thinks.

You know who's upset now with ISIS? Al-Qaida. It's because ISIS is getting more attention than al-Qaida. So now, Saturday night will be Ayman al-Zawahiri bobblehead night.

There was a guy out in front of the theater early today. He's out there usually selling fake Rolexes. Now he's out there selling fake Apple watches.

President Obama announced in his speech the other night that he's sending 475 military advisers to Iraq. Not own that but he's also sending 475 military advisers to the NFL.

In his speech the other night, President Obama announced that he's counting on the support of an international coalition. Right now, we can't get the support of the International House of Pancakes.

Thu, Dec 18, 2014

#3098

Late Night From 09/15

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
Vice President Joe Biden will travel to Iowa this week, three days after Hillary Clinton’s high-profile return to the state. He’ll spend two days there — one campaigning and another stuck in a corn maze.

Actually, Biden will be in Iowa to help a group of nuns called “Nuns on the Bus” kick off their voter registration tour. Biden says it's his way of giving back, while the nuns say it's God's way of testing their faith.

In a recent interview, Texas Governor Rick Perry revealed that he has spent the last 20 months preparing to run for president. Then Hillary said, “Call me when you’ve spent 67 years.”

Conan O'Brien
South African sports officials have ruled that Oscar Pistorius is free to run competitively again. Shortly after the announcement, he was signed by the NFL.

The FBI debuted its new facial recognition software which will archive the faces of tens of millions of Americans every day. This groundbreaking, amazing new software is called Facebook.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
It's a hot day here in Los Angeles. It was so hot, I saw lizards doing the ice-bucket challenge.

It was so hot, the Real Housewives injected their foreheads with cold lemonade.

It was so hot, CBS nearly replaced me with a camel.

It was so hot, people came to this show just for the air conditioning.

Jimmy Kimmel Live
In L.A. it's over 100 degrees. Heat warnings remain in effect. The National Weather Service is advising residents of Southern California to strongly consider living somewhere else.

Not only are we having a heat wave, but we are in the middle of a major drought. Because of the heat, health officials are urging people to drink as much water as possible. But because of the drought, other local officials would like us not to.

Last night ABC broadcast the Miss America Pageant. It's the annual competition in which women parade their almost naked bodies in front of a panel of judges and whomever is deemed to have the best one gets a scholarship so she can never have to parade her almost naked body around for money again.

Floyd Mayweather fought on Saturday night, and he won a unanimous decision, but it did not go without incident. In the eighth round, Mayweather claims his opponent bit him through the glove into his fingers. It's only a matter of time before boxers are required to wear gloves on their teeth.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
The iPhone 6 and iPhone 6 Plus received 4 million pre-orders in the first 24 hours. Meanwhile, the new Blackberry keeps driving by your house to see if you’re home.

Toronto Mayor Rob Ford’s brother Doug Ford has announced that he’ll be running in his brother’s place. I don’t think it’s a good sign that in the Ford family, Doug is known as “the crazy one.”

Al-Qaida has issued an online message denying allegations that their organization is in decline — although I don’t think it helped that they posted it on Myspace.

Fri, Dec 19, 2014

#3099

Late Night From 09/16
Part 1

Jimmy Kimmel Live
On Tuesday, Apple gave the new U2 album to all of their customers for free. It just showed up in their iTunes. People were upset about it. There was so much backlash that Apple released a tool to remove the album from your iPhone. Poor Bono and his weird sunglasses are soaked with tears right now.

The first trailer for the new, highly anticipated "Hunger Games" sequel came out yesterday. Of all the "Hunger Games" movies, they're saying this is going to be the hungriest.

Paris Hilton has a new dog. But not just any dog. A dog she paid $13,000 for. The breeder that she bought it from named the dog "Mr. Amazing" — I guess because it's amazing they were able to get somebody to pay $13,000 for a dog.

The reason Mr. Amazing is so expensive is that he's one of the world's smallest Pomeranians. For another $4,000, they will sell you no Pomeranian at all.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
Did everybody get the free U2 album in their iTunes? Well, there were some complaints, so Apple built a webpage specifically for users to delete the album from their accounts. You just enter your birthday, and if you’re under 40 years old it deletes the album.

The White House today came out in support of requiring police officers to wear body cameras at all times. It’s a great way for fans to keep up with their favorite NFL players.

This week scientists at North Carolina State University announced they discovered a way to move and manipulate liquid metal with electricity. And Arnold Schwarzenegger has already been sent back in time to stop it.

Sat, Dec 20, 2014

#3100

Late Night From 09/16
Part 2

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
Bill Clinton gave a speech this weekend. He criticized Republicans for spending all their time dissing President Obama. But people from Iowa missed the rest of the speech because they were busy looking up the word "dissing."

Hillary Clinton also gave a speech in Iowa. She fueled speculation that she’ll run for president when she admitted that she's “thinking about it.” And next week, she'll be “thinking about it” when she's in New Hampshire before she spends a few days “thinking about it” in Florida.

This week Scotland will vote on whether it wants to leave the United Kingdom. If Scotland votes "yes," it will also leave the European Union and NATO and be responsible for defending itself. Or as Vladimir Putin put it, "I got dibs!"

Of course if Scotland does break up with England, it’ll just do what everyone does: Stalk them on Facebook.

Conan O'Brien
Last year there was a slight increase in the U.S. prison population. It's expected to increase even more once the NFL increases to 34 teams.

A group that worships Satan wants to give educational activity books to Florida children. However, officials say it violates two of Florida's strongest taboos — Satan and education.

Street gangs are toning down their colors in order to be less noticeable to law enforcement. So now there are three gangs walking around in L.A. — the Crips, the Bloods, and the Earth Tones.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
In New York City today, the 69th version of the United Nations General Assembly was called to order. Manhattan was jammed with traffic, streets were filled with people wearing strange clothes and yelling in every conceivable language. Then the U.N. got started.

The U.N. delegates fan out across Manhattan to take advantage of diplomatic immunity. They do dangerous stuff just because they can, like get speeding tickets. They can even take pictures of Alec Baldwin.

It's always fun when people who can't stand each other come together, make speeches, and glare at each other in silent hatred, knowing they won't have to see each other for a whole year. It's like international Thanksgiving.

Top of page