Jokes of the day

3051 - 3075

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Sat, Nov 01, 2014

#3051

Late Night From 07/28/14
Part 1

Jimmy Kimmel Live
The New York Times published its first of a six-part series that calls for federal legalization of marijuana. You remember newspapers, those things we used to read before BuzzFeed asked us which sandwich we were.

The Times editorial board argued, after weighing the pros and cons, that the scale tips in favor of legalizing marijuana nationwide. You know how long it's going to take people to finish The New York Times crossword puzzle NOW?

Comic-Con wrapped up over the weekend in San Diego. If you don't know, Comic-Con is the world's largest gathering of people who know the difference between a modem and a router.

According to Time magazine, the number of women attending Comic-Con has doubled in the last five years — it went from four to eight.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
The New York Times came out in favor of marijuana legalization. Apparently, someone told them that marijuana users are really into "buying papers."

Supporters of former Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez have released a new font in the style of his handwriting. Although I'm surprised he wrote anything by hand since he was so used to dictating.

A restaurant in New York has created the Rice Burger, which replaces normal burger buns with rice patties. The restaurant also replaces customers with empty chairs.

Last week a man in Florida was arrested for trying to steal sushi that he had shoved down his pants, although I bet the wasabi was punishment enough.

Sun, Nov 02, 2014

#3052

Late Night From 07/28
Part 2

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
The New York Times published an editorial calling on the federal government to legalize recreational marijuana. They don't really care about weed, it's just the only way they can keep selling papers.

The Times said the government should legalize marijuana because the current laws against weed are useless and outdated. Then they said, "You know, like a newspaper."

"Game of Thrones" announced that it is adding nine new characters for the next season. Aaaaaand they're already dead.

Seventeen siblings from New Jersey just won $20 million in the lottery. When asked how they plan to spend the money, they said, "Remodeling the shoe we grew up in."

The Late Show with David Letterman
According to the Centers for Disease Control, the largest single transmission of deadly germs is a handshake. You're lucky, because the most popular form of greeting here in New York is the middle finger.

Congratulations to baseball great Joe Torre, Yankees manager for years and years, inducted into the Baseball Hall of Fame in Cooperstown. Torre thanked former girlfriends Kate Hudson, Cameron Diaz, Madonna, and Betty White.

I hear there's trouble between Kim Kardashian and Kanye West. Friends say Kim has what they call the two-month itch. But apparently the trouble began somewhere between the words "I" and "Do."

Mon, Nov 03, 2014

#3053

Late Night From 07/29
Part 1

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
In Siberia locals recently discovered a giant hole in the ground. Now two more Siberian holes have appeared. Scientists don't know what's causing these holes. Astronomers blame falling meteorites. Archaeologists blame underground gas explosions. Fox News blames Obamacare. Mel Gibson blames Jewish people.

Graceland will auction some of Elvis Presley's personal memorabilia. Let's play "Books That Elvis Checked Out." There's "Hound Dog of the Baskervilles." "The Blue Suede Shoes of Madison County." "A Hunka-Hunka Huckleberry Finn." "Fifty Shades of Graceland." "Are You Lonesome Dove Tonight?"

Late Night With Seth Meyers
A new poll shows that younger Americans sympathize less with Israel than older generations did. But then again, most young Americans think Israel is the cat on "The Smurfs."

A Los Angeles judge has ruled in favor of Donald Sterling’s wife and will allow her to sell the L.A. Clippers. That leaves Sterling in the awkward position of hating a white person.

A company in India is releasing the first-ever “smart shoe” that connects with Google Maps to track your footsteps. “Merry Christmas,” said your wife.

Tue, Nov 04, 2014

#3054

Late Night From 07/29
Part 2

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
Last night was the finale of "The Bachelorette." It came down to two guys, Josh and Nick. But ultimately Andi went with Josh. She said after looking into her heart and doing a lot of soul searching that he was the person she wants to spend the rest of her publicity tour with.

Of course, Nick says he's heartbroken, lonely, devastated, and whatever else he has to say to be the next “Bachelor.”

LeBron James announced that he will wear his original jersey number 23 when he returns to the Cavaliers this season. Of course, it was awkward when he discovered that even HE burned his old Cavaliers jersey.

The TSA is offering a $5,000 reward for the best idea on how to speed up airport security lines. So far the best idea is making a line for people who know what they're doing and another line for people who have never been to an airport before.

The Late Show with David Letterman
There's a dating site called OK Cupid. It's for folks who are looking for someone who is just OK.

As it turns out, the people who run OK Cupid don't really match anybody up. They just shuffle the cards. They don't care. That's how L.A. Clippers owner Donald Sterling found a girlfriend with a tape recorder.

As it turns out, the people who run OK Cupid don't really match anybody up. They just shuffle the cards. They don't care. That's how L.A. Clippers owner Donald Sterling found a girlfriend with a tape recorder.

Wed, Nov 05, 2014

#3055

Late Night From 07/30
Part 1

Jimmy Kimmel Live
Yesterday there was a water main break right next to UCLA. Water was shooting out of the ground for four hours before it was turned off. They say 20 million gallons of water flooded the campus. I didn't even know L.A. had that much water.

In Washington the House passed a bill today to go forward with a lawsuit against President Obama. Who says Congress can't get anything done? They're suing the president.

That lawsuit against the president is ridiculous — unless they do the trial on "Judge Judy." Then I'm all for it.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
According to new estimates, Beyoncé and Jay-Z will make $84 million from their world tour. Which is good because 84 million is an easy number to divide by 2.

Cleveland Browns wide receiver Josh Gordon claimed he failed his most recent drug test because he ingested secondhand marijuana smoke. Said Gordon, “That’s right, I smoked some with one hand, and then I smoked some with my second hand.”

According to French officials, the gardens at the Louvre have become overrun with rats. Officials later apologized and promised to refer to us as Americans in the future.

Wikipedia is now accepting donations using the online currency Bitcoin. So now you can support information you’re not sure is true with currency you’re not sure is money.

Thu, Nov 06, 2014

#3056

Late Night From 07/30
Part 2

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
Actor Orlando Bloom threw a punch at Justin Bieber last night during an argument at a night club in Spain. Orlando's hand was pretty sore today, you know, from all the high-fives he got.

Bieber and Bloom got into a fight. Luckily, a stranger broke it up. He said, "Girls, girls, stop it . . . I mean gentlemen."

In New Jersey a woman dressed like a clown walked away with minor injuries after she crashed her car into a utility pole. Unfortunately, the other 300 people in the car weren't so lucky.

A new study found that having a sense of purpose can actually help you live longer — While having a sense of porpoise can help you swim longer.

The Late Show with David Letterman
At Times Square they now have people dressed up as superheroes. Over the weekend Spider-Man beat up a cop and was thrown in prison. Today he was in court with his lawyer — Shyster-Man.

On TV tonight is the movie "Sharknado 2." I didn't see the first "Sharknado." I'm worried I won't be able to understand "Sharknado 2."

What happens in "Sharknado 2" is a storm breaks out and there's a tremendous downpour of sharks. And it's embarrassing because The Weather Channel predicted only a light sprinkling of trout.

Martha Stewart has a drone. Are we comfortable with an ex-con owning a drone?

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Everyone's reeling from the big fight between two Hollywood tough guys: Orlando Bloom and Justin Bieber. They engaged in fisticuffs today in Spain. Who won the fight? I think WE did, America.

Orlando approached Justin and started throwing punches. It was brutal. Mascara was flying everywhere. There were no broken bones. But sadly, a few broken nails.

Every great fight needs a great name. What should we call this one? The commotion near the ocean. The girly taunt in the restaurant. The effeminate fray in the café. The not-a-scratch-on-ya in España.

It's Arnold Schwarzenegger's birthday. Arnold celebrated quietly at home with his friends and his families.

Fri, Nov 07, 2014

#3057

Late Night From 07/31
Part 1

Jimmy Kimmel Live
Congress is about to head off on their August recess, which seems appropriate. Adults go on vacation, children go on recess.

Congress will take the whole month of August off. From what, exactly, I don't know.

A new study found that most Internet-connected home gadgets and appliances are vulnerable to hackers. It's only a matter of time before your blender steals your credit card number.

Right now, available only in San Francisco, is an app where you can get marijuana delivered right to your door. Whoever pairs this with a pizza delivery app probably will get the Nobel Prize.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
Today marks the last day before Congress takes its summer recess. They're taking five weeks off. Five weeks. I hope they can get used to doing nothing.

Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg told reporters that despite her age she does not plan on retiring and is likely to remain on the court for a while — after which she was immediately traded to the New York Knicks.

A Chinese farmer lost 170 of his prized pigs when lightning struck his barn while he was feeding them. Though on the bright side — instant bacon.

A woman in New Mexico pulled a gun on a Comcast technician because she didn't want to pay her cable bill. Wow! That woman doesn't need HBO. She IS HBO.

Sat, Nov 08, 2014

#3058

Late Night From 07/31
Part 2

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
North Korea has opened a summer camp where kids from around the world can swim, play volleyball, and learn about the country's culture. It's the first camp in history where kids tell ghost stories to feel safer.

I read that PETA is now saying they’ll pay off people’s water bills if they agree to go vegan for 30 days. Or in other words, you can get PETA to pay off your water bill if you can lie for 30 days.

Yesterday the House of Representatives voted to sue President Obama for abusing his executive powers. Experts are calling this a meaningless political stunt that's a huge waste of taxpayer money, while Congress is saying, "Yep. That's what we do."

The House voted 225-201 to sue President Obama. That's the bad news. The good news is that Congress actually passed something.

The Late Show with David Letterman
Congress is now getting ready to take a month off. From what?

Members of Congress need to recharge their batteries for another year of gridlock.

Sometimes you wonder about these guys in Congress. Are they there at all?

A new study says that Republicans are more religious than Democrats. But I don't think that includes President Obama praying every day for his term to end.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
We're getting more news about the Orlando Bloom-Justin Bieber fight. Apparently the fight was witnessed by Paris Hilton, P. Diddy, and Lindsay Lohan. I'm confused. Did this fight take place in Spain or in 2003?

Today in Las Vegas is the start of the annual "Star Trek" convention. I go every year. I walk up to everyone dressed in a full "Star Trek" costume and say, "May the force be with you."

A woman in Oklahoma called police to complain about the quality of her meth. I'm thinking: How bad could the meth be if it made her high enough to call the cops and complain about it?

A Massachusetts man was arrested for illegally keeping over 400 birds in his home. He tried to keep it a secret, but he couldn't keep the birds from tweeting about it.

Sun, Nov 09, 2014

#3059

Late Night From 08/01

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
Toronto Mayor Rob Ford is facing criticism for accidentally showing the phone numbers of his supporters in a new campaign commercial. In response, people said, “No biggie — I gave him a fake number, anyway.”

Home Depot is now selling 3D printers. You know, so you can print out an employee to help you find stuff at Home Depot.

Yeah, Home Depot is now selling 3D printers, which customers can use to print out tools and parts. It's all part of Home Depot's plan to immediately go out of business.

Kia is recalling more than 50,000 cars because of an issue with the steering system caused by the wrong type of adhesive holding together certain parts. Then Kia drivers said, "Wait, these cars are GLUED together?”

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
It's a great day for Pope Francis. He released his top 10 tips for feeling happier. I didn't know Popes did that.

Most of the Pope's tips were what I expected, like No. 7, "Respect nature." No. 3, "Be calm." Except No. 1 — start every day by watching the video of Justin Bieber getting punched in face.

Beyoncé's dad, Mr. Beyoncé, is teaching a college course on how to "Become the next Beyoncé." Beyoncé's dad explains the two-step process. Step 1, start a hugely successful girl group and sell millions of records. Step 2, fire the other girls.

Mon, Nov 10, 2014

#3060

Late Night From 08/04

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
Tonight is our 100th episode. To celebrate, people sent us flowers and a big cake — which I immediately passed on to Rob Ford and Chris Christie. We couldn’t have done it without them.

Of course, we’re not the only ones celebrating. President Obama turned 53 years old today. Obama blew out his candles and made a wish. But when he opened his eyes, he was still president.

"Sesame Street" says it may take legal action against people in Times Square who dress up like its characters. Seriously? Look at the people they’d be suing. What do they expect to win in the lawsuit? A flask of whiskey and an IOU to a bookie?

A new iPhone app gives advice to people going through a divorce. So if you’re someone who relies on an app for advice during difficult times, well maybe that's why you're getting a divorce.

Conan O'Brien
We have the cast of "Orange Is the New Black" tonight. The show features a cast of ruthless women who are constantly at each other's throats. And for once, I'm not talking about "The View."

"Orange Is the New Black" has helped usher in a new TV trend called "binge watching." Binge watching blends nicely with another trend in America — unemployment.

This is not the first show I have watched about a women's prison. However, it is the first show about a women's prison I didn't have to delete from my browser history.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
It is our president's birthday. It's also the birthday of NASCAR champ Jeff Gordon. Jeff Gordon and President Obama are very different, of course. One's a guy who spent his whole life turning left and is hated by NASCAR fans. And the other one? Jeff Gordon.

I love it when people here in L.A. pretend to know what NASCAR is. They'll say, "Is that the one with the car?" Or: "Do those cars run on gasoline? I can't endorse this. Can't they use Priuses and fuel them with kale?"

The annual Sturgis Motorcycle Rally starts August 4. But times have changed. Now even biker gangs are into recycling. When the motorcycle rally is over, the gangs go around responsibly collecting trash, bottles, and broken teeth.

These days any group of bikers can call themselves a motorcycle gang. Some gangs are really bad, like Sons of Anarchy. Other gangs are just orthodontists who go up the highway on a Sunday afternoon.

Jimmy Kimmel Live
Happy birthday to President Obama. He turned 53 today, according to his birth certificate. The truth is he's actually 55 years old but Congress blocked his last two birthdays.

Tonight President Obama blew out the candles on the gluten-free broccoli and carrot loaf from Michelle, and then cried himself to sleep. She did let him smell a piece of cake.

ABC premiered a new show tonight called "Bachelor in Paradise." I'm glad they're finally doing a bachelor show in paradise. Normally they do them in Third-World countries and industrial parks.

Some people criticize ABC for putting shows like "Bachelor in Paradise" on the air. But the truth is you can't always get down to the baboon exhibit at the zoo. Sometimes they need to be brought to you.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
Happy birthday to President Obama. He turned 53 today, if you believe the birth certificate.

President Obama is turning 53 while his face and hair are turning 68. Congratulations to all three of them.

Congress wanted to surprise President Obama on his birthday so they passed a bill.

The owner of a prominent paparazzi agency is saying he won't use drones to take pictures of celebrities because he has too much respect for them. And by "them" he means the drones.

Tue, Nov 11, 2014

#3061

Late Night From 08/05

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian have ended their so-called feud after eight years. Then John Kerry said, “Man, that was rough. Now on to the Middle East.”

Scrabble is adding more than 5,000 words to its dictionary, including “buzzkill.” As in, "Anyone who reads the dictionary for Scrabble is a total buzzkill."

Buffalo is getting ready to host the National Scrabble Championship this weekend. They weren’t planning to host it, but it was raining and some of the Monopoly pieces were missing.

Last week New York’s Museum of Natural History hosted a sleepover for adults. Sleeping at a museum — or as kids call that, “going to a museum.”

Conan O'Brien
Scrabble is adding 5,000 new words including "chillax" and "selfie." So kids, there's never been a better time to challenge your grandparents to a game of Scrabble.

A Republican congressman has accused Democrats of waging a war on whites. As proof, he pointed to the recent bombing of the kale aisle at a Trader Joe's.

LinkedIn has agreed to pay a $6 million settlement to employees. Unfortunately, the employees haven't heard about it because like everyone else they automatically delete all emails from LinkedIn.

This week a giant tortoise was on the loose here in Southern California. Drivers on the freeway were shocked to see something moving so quickly.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Earlier tonight I was watching the "CMA Music Festival." It was two hours of country music, big hats, and big belt buckles.

The CMA Music Festival is country music's biggest night — if you don't count the Country Music Awards, the Academy of Country Music Awards, the CMT Music awards, and the American Country Awards.

Tonight's CMA Music Festival was held in Nashville — which is a coincidence because I was held in Nashville once.

Keith Urban is the country singer from Australia. I have a difficult time imagining a country music star from Australia. He'd sing lyrics like, "I lost my truck, my dingo eats babies, my boomerang's broke, and Russell Crowe has rabies."

Jimmy Kimmel Live
This week 5,000 new words will be added to the Scrabble Dictionary. One of the words is "mix tape." Why add mix tape now instead of back in 1985, when it was actually a thing that existed?

Scrabble discovers cool words around the same time my mom discovers them.

The worst addition to the Scrabble Dictionary is "bromance." That is what two guys who like each other and have a personal relationship are called. No, they're called friends. I blame Facebook. Thanks to Facebook, the word "friend" doesn't mean anything, which left the door open for "Us Weekly" to infect us with "bromance."

Can we get someone from Scrabble on the show tomorrow? I want to put a stop to this.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
Officials from Hamas and Israel have agreed to a 72-hour cease-fire. Of course, we won’t have true peace in the Middle East until there’s a cease-fire that lasts longer than a mattress sale.

On Friday, a truck on an Indianapolis highway spilled over 45,000 pounds of butter onto the road. The governor called for a clean-up, while Paula Deen called for a national day of mourning.

Wed, Nov 12, 2014

#3062

Late Night From 08/06

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
While speaking at an African leadership summit yesterday, Vice President Joe Biden accidentally referred to Africa as a country instead of a continent. To be fair, most of what he knows about Africa is based on “The Lion King.”

A new poll found that President Obama's approval rating has hit a new low of just 40 percent. Or as Obama put it, "60 under par!"

LeBron James reportedly lost a lot of weight since he announced he was returning to Cleveland. When asked how much he dropped, he said, "How much do Dwyane Wade and Chris Bosh weigh?"

Police in Ohio are looking for two women who tried to rob a bakery but left with only two glazed donuts because there was no money in the register. The cops are offering a small reward for information on the women, and a huge reward for info on those doughnuts.

Conan O'Brien
A company has announced a new service where you carpool with strangers. It's a new cutting-edge technology called "taking the bus."

Yesterday photos were leaked of the Dallas Cowboys owner, 71-year-old Jerry Jones, with two much younger women. The photos were leaked by Jerry Jones.

According to a new survey, 50 percent of people believe that robots will actually create more jobs in the long run. When they heard this, robots said, "Oh, good, they're buying it. They will serve us soon, those fools."

The San Antonio Spurs have made history by becoming the first team in the NBA to hire a female assistant coach. She is the first woman to get that close to that many NBA players without being a Kardashian.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Tonight was the premiere of "Top Chef Duels." I think they're running out of ideas for cooking shows. It turns out that "Top Chef Duels" is just two chefs slapping each other with spatulas.

Let's play TV shows that are chef shows. There's "How I Minced Your Mother." "Murder She Roast." "Real Hamhocks of New Jersey." "Game of Scones."

Today is Jamaican Independence Day. Today in Jamaica, everyone spent the day smoking, drinking, and having a great time. Then they remembered it was Independence Day.

People think everyone in Jamaica smokes marijuana. That's just not true. Some of them eat it.

Jimmy Kimmel Live
A Russian crime ring has stolen 1.2 billion user names and password combinations, which I'm pretty sure is all of them.

The crime ring stole the information from hundreds of thousands of websites. Experts recommend that you change all your passwords just to be safe. I have to say I would almost rather have all my information stolen than to have to change all my passwords.

Here's what I've never understood. Why do leakers expose national security information? Why not leak stuff like the Colonel's fried chicken recipe? I would like to have that.

Last week it was revealed the CIA has been spying on the Senate Intelligence Committee, which is the committee that's supposed to supervise the CIA. Who do these people think they are? Facebook?

Late Night With Seth Meyers
President Obama's approval rating is now at an all-time low. It's so bad that last night he gave his daughter Sasha a ride to a friend's house and she asked him to drop her off two blocks away.

A 44-year-old mother in New York was arrested after she left her 7-year-old unattended at a Long Island Lego store. Luckily by the time the police found the child, he had already built a better mother.

Dunkin' Donuts announced they have created their first-ever coffee-flavored doughnut. First ever? Your name is Dunkin' Donuts. They're all coffee flavored! Your name is a recipe for coffee-flavored doughnuts.

A man in New Zealand whose pregnant girlfriend threw a knife at him so hard that it became lodged in his skull told reporters he was confident their relationship would continue. I guess it's true what they say: Some people never learn because there's a knife lodged in their skull.

Thu, Nov 13, 2014

#3063

Late Night From 08/07

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
The Russian government said Edward Snowden can stay for three more years. Or as Obama put it, "Eh, that was gonna be his prison sentence, anyway."

TMZ has released the transcript from Kanye West's deposition for an assault charge he's facing, and apparently he referred to himself as "the smartest celebrity." And that was after the lawyer said, "Please state your name."

It seems like every day Kanye says something weird, and every day I end up talking about it and — you know what? He IS the smartest celebrity! We keep talking about him!

Pope Francis is calling on young people to get off the Internet and start doing something productive with their lives. Teens were like, "Uh, how do you think we saw you say that? We watched it on YouTube, dude!"

Conan O'Brien
A bear was attacking a Russian man, and he was able to repel the attack by playing his Justin Bieber ringtone. The man is OK, and no, the bear is NOT a Belieber.

You know that button on your cable remote that gives you information about what you're watching? I was watching "Crossfire," hit the button, and it said, "Congratulations, you're our first viewer tonight!"

I hit the info button on "America's Got Talent" and it said, "America's got talent, but we hide it and present this instead."

Jimmy Kimmel Live
Welcome to those who are visiting LA. We're going to have a good time in beautiful Los Angeles, which has just been named the 16th coolest city in America by Forbes magazine. We finally tied San Jose.

You know what city Forbes says is the coolest? The No. 1 coolest city in America is Washington, D.C. How did that happen? Did Obama start smoking again?

Forbes bases its rankings on factors like how many entertainment options a city has. Makes sense. In Washington, between Joe Biden and John Boehner alone, it's like a nonstop Burning Man festival.

I like that Forbes magazine is deciding which city is the coolest. That's like Good Housekeeping naming the snowboarder of the year.

Fri, Nov 14, 2014

#3064

Late Night From 08/08

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
President Obama is planning to break up his vacation in Martha's Vineyard by returning to D.C. for two days for meetings. Yeah, two days away from his family vacation — or as that's also known, a "vacation." If you’ve been on vacation, then you know.

CNN is being sued after one of its correspondents got drunk and bit two paramedics. The good news is, CNN finally has a story worth talking about. Sometimes you gotta make your own news. "Tequila on the house! Tequila! On! The! House!"

Timex announced that it's creating a new smart watch that can track your speed, distance, and GPS. People said, "Does it tell time?" And Timex was like, "I knew we forgot something!"

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Today's the start of the Boston Comic-Con. It starts with a man riding a horse across cobblestone streets shouting "The nerds are coming! The nerds are coming!"

People dress up and dump the "Star Wars" prequels in the harbor. Hah! A man can dream!

A bunch of movies came out today. They cover many genres, but they have one interesting thing in common: They'll get their butts kicked by the new "Ninja Turtles" movie that opens today.

I don't know a lot about ninja turtles. I know they're named after artistic Italian men: Michelangelo, Donatello, Madonna.

And ninja turtles live in the sewers of New York City. If they want to hide out somewhere that New Yorkers never go to, they should try a Mets game.

I had a pet turtle when I was a kid. He taught me a lot. For instance, he taught me I love the taste of turtle soup.

Sat, Nov 15, 2014

#3065

Late Night From 08/11

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
Former Congressman Anthony Weiner is back. He’s opening a new restaurant that will specialize in healthy local food. It's the first restaurant with a sign on the door that reads: "No Shoes, No Shirt, No Pants, No Underwear, No Hats . . ." It just keeps going. It’s a long list.

Over the weekend, the Angels beat the Red Sox in the longest Major League game of the year after playing 19 innings. You can tell the game went way too long when the vendors were yelling, “Get your lukewarm beer over here. Ice cold hot dogs here.”

The game was so long, even Ken Burns said, “This is just too much baseball.”

The network TV Land just launched a new version of the classic show “Candid Camera.” Or as most young people put it, "I can't believe they ripped off ‘Punk'd.’ People can’t think of anything original anymore."

Conan O'Brien
Hillary Clinton has been calling President Obama's foreign policy a failure. She either wants to be a president or a Fox News anchor. We're not sure.

The U.S. Postal service has lost $2 billion this spring. Postal officials are busy emailing each other wondering how this could happen.

This weekend New York hosted the 25th annual Scrabble Championship. The Scrabble champion gets his choice of $100,000 or the touch of another human being.

Yesterday Bruce Jenner was pulled over for speeding here in L.A. The cops gave Jenner a ticket because his current face doesn't match his driver's license.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
President Obama announced last Thursday night that the U.S. would begin air strikes in Iraq. So in a way, it was the ultimate throwback Thursday.

Former New York Congressman Anthony Weiner is planning to open a new farm-to-table restaurant in Queens. So, whatever you do, don't ask to see the special.

A 25-year-old California woman wants the state to let her marry Charles Manson. If you ask me, you would have to be crazy to get married at 25. You have your whole life ahead of you. Married at 25? Wait five years. He's not going anywhere.

Health officials in Colorado are warning residents to stay away from sick or dead rabbits due to a risk of rabbit fever. It's a tough one because most people's first instincts when they see a dead rabbit is to get as close as possible.

Sun, Nov 16, 2014

#3066

Late Night From 08/12

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
President Obama went to the beach yesterday while he’s vacationing on Martha’s Vineyard. Which got weird when he took out his metal detector to search for $16 trillion in quarters.

During a fundraiser last night, President Obama suggested that one or more Supreme Court justices may retire soon. Which got awkward when Ruth Bader Ginsburg said, “You can have this gavel when you pry it out of my even colder, deader fingers.”

Toronto Mayor Rob Ford said that he is still sober and he'll never be caught doing anything illegal ever again. Then he said, “Unless someone's taping me. Then I'll get caught probably.”

Rob Ford also said that he is committed to living a healthier life, and his days of going to the liquor store are over. Which would be great, if he weren't addicted to crack.

Conan O'Brien
Since January, Colorado has made nearly $30 million in taxes from marijuana sales. That's in addition to the $40 million they made taxing Doritos. It goes hand-in-hand.

Smokey Bear just celebrated his 70th birthday. Smokey bear is 70. Can you believe he's that old? Smoky says he puts out fires by waking up seven times a night and peeing on them.

Scientists have figured out how to suppress the appetites of mice. They bring them to a Long John Silver's.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
Today is National Middle Child Day. And appropriately, it won't get any attention.

Customers at a Georgia subway restaurant located inside a Walmart started throwing things at the workers because the store's lettuce looked brown. Because there is no customer with more discriminating taste than one who eats at a Georgia subway in a Walmart.

According to a new study, men over 5'10" are twice as likely to cheat on their partners. And men under 5'10" are twice as likely to cheat on forms where you have to enter your height.

1980s' rock star Bret Michaels is holding a motivational seminar at the Hard Rock Cafe in Orlando this September called "Life Rocks." So if you're going, yours doesn't.

Mon, Nov 17, 2014

#3067

Late Night From 08/13

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
President Obama is apparently back on speaking terms with Turkish Prime Minister Recep Tayyip Erdogan. I guess their disagreements over Israel have made their relationship somewhat complicated. But not as complicated as the name, “Recep Tayyip Erdogan.”

It’s rumored that One Direction will appear in a new reality show produced by Simon Cowell. Harry said it's a great opportunity, while the other guys in One Direction said — just kidding, nobody asked them what they think.

To commemorate the 25th anniversary of “Field of Dreams,” the Iowa State Fair is displaying a 200-pound butter sculpture of Kevin Costner. Or as Paula Deen put it, “If you build it . . . I will come.”

Rick Perry is fueling speculation that he'll run in 2016 by visiting the Iowa State Fair. Unfortunately, he hurt his chances by holding a two-hour conversation with that butter sculpture of Kevin Costner.

Conan O'Brien
There's a luxury Middle Eastern airline that's going to start offering first-class passengers a suite with bedrooms, a kitchenette, and shower. United Airlines says you can enjoy the same amenities if you cancel your flight and stay home.

A 14-year-old Texas boy lived in a Wal-Mart for four days before he was discovered. Employees got suspicious when they noticed something in a Wal-Mart that was made in America.

The Kardashians are mad. They're outraged that they've been robbed three times this year but the police haven't caught the culprits. Los Angeles police said if only there was a video record of what goes on in the Kardashian home.

Yesterday a fight broke out between the Oakland Raiders and the Dallas Cowboys during a joint practice. Referees told them there's a proper way for NFL players to settle their disputes. It's called murder.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
Yesterday Fox News medical expert Dr. Keith Ablow told viewers that Michelle Obama needs to drop a few. So I think there's a good chance Michelle Obama is going to drop Dr. Keith Ablow.

The Kardashians are refusing to start filming their 10th season until the people who burglarized their homes over the past few months have been caught. So let that be a message to those burglars. Stay hidden! Trust nobody! You're our only hope!

Scientists at the University of Illinois think they may have found a way to stop cancer cell growth using venom from bees, snakes, and scorpions. Because apparently cancer cells stop growing when you're dead.

Steubenville High School in Ohio has allowed a newly released sex offender to rejoin its football team just months after being released from jail. High school? It sounds like he's ready for the NFL.

Tue, Nov 18, 2014

#3068

Late Night From 08/14

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
People are still fighting about immigration. Congress is suing the president. I'm not saying things are bad, but the Middle East just sent diplomats to negotiate peace in OUR country.

The White House says President Obama won't make any major announcements during his brief trip back to D.C. this weekend. Reporters said, “Isn't THAT an announcement?”

Oh this isn’t good. The Secret Service just arrested 13 people in New Jersey who were making counterfeit money. Which got worse when the counterfeiters said, "Are you sure this isn't something a seven-dollar bill can't get me out of?"

This week a town in Minnesota elected a dog named Duke as its mayor. Yeah, they elected a mayor that pees on the street, sleeps on the floor, and eats out of the garbage. Then Toronto said, "Been there!”

Conan O'Brien
Apple announced it will ban two toxic chemicals that are used in the production of iPhones. In a related story, that iPhone in your pocket right now is made of toxic chemicals.

The Kardashians are outraged that they've been robbed three times this year but the police have not caught the culprits. Kim Kardashian said, "We just want back what's wrongfully ours. We didn't earn that money and we should get to keep it."

Kobe Bryant and Nike have teamed up to make a Beethoven-themed sneaker. They're motto is "Play basketball like an 18th century deaf German."

Late Night With Seth Meyers
The Korean Aerospace Institute announced that their one and only astronaut resigned for personal reasons. Now all he has to do is get back to Earth.

A woman was arrested at LaGuardia Airport this week after she was seen stealing an iPad and iPhone. The women could be sentenced to as much as six months at LaGuardia.

An Oregon man called Portland police Monday to report that traffic was being held up by a chicken attempting to cross a road. Then on Tuesday, he called back to report a priest and a rabbi walking into a bar.

Wed, Nov 19, 2014

#3069

Late Night From 08/15

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
A new poll found that Rob Ford has fallen into second place in the race for Toronto mayor. Yeah, it’s bad news for Ford, and even worse news for my monologue.

George Clooney and his fiancée were apparently spotted this week tasting food for their upcoming wedding. Yeah, food for George Clooney's wedding. Which explains that one hors d'oevre: Flying pigs in a blanket. He’s getting married!

ABC will air a one-hour special that goes behind the scenes to show how the movie “Frozen” was made. Yeah, they say it’s all part of their plan to ruin the movie for kids.

Cinnabon is testing a concept store that will sell smaller cinnamon rolls. Yep, they say it’s perfect for people who love kidding themselves. “I’m just gonna grab one or eight of these little guys here.”

Thu, Nov 20, 2014

#3070

Late Night From 08/18

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
Texas Governor Rick Perry has been indicted after he threatened to veto funding for a district attorney’s office unless she stepped down. He’s now the most controversial governor in the country — which is why today he got a gift basket from Chris Christie.

It looks like Rick Perry's chances in 2016 might be in trouble. Or as Hillary put it, "One down, four more to go."

A survey found that 75 percent of Americans don't use up all their vacation days. While the rest apparently loaned them to President Obama. He’s on vacation again!

Mr. T reported for jury duty in Chicago last week, but ultimately was not picked for the trial. I guess prosecutors thought he'd show too much pity.

The Late Show with David Letterman
President Obama had to cut his vacation short two days to go back to Washington. You know why? Vice President Joe Biden had locked himself out of the White House.

Obama was on a two-week break with his family and had to cut it short by two days, had to go back to Washington. I'm thinking: you spend two weeks with your family, you're going to need a two-day break. Am I right?

David Gregory, a longtime newsman over at NBC news, is no longer the host of "Meet the Press." He took over for Tim Russert, and now they just booted him. They just kicked him right out the door. He's following a trail I blazed at NBC.

David Gregory is being replaced by a guy named Chuck Todd, which indicates to me that in order to host that program you have to have two first names.

Fri, Nov 21, 2014

#3071

Late Night From 08/19

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
Hillary Clinton is returning to Iowa next month for the first time since her failed presidential run in 2008. Hillary denies just being there for politics. She said, “I love Iowa for their . . . OK, I'm running for president.”

Missouri Governor Jay Nixon apparently sent the National Guard to Ferguson without letting the White House know first. When he heard he was left out of such an important decision, Obama said, “Holy crap, I’ve been Bidened!”

Yesterday the Clippers' new owner, former Microsoft executive Steve Ballmer, promised fans that the team will win an NBA championship. He says he has a great strategy for rebuilding the team — Control-Alt-Delete.

Yankee Stadium says it will start adding metal detectors as a way to beef up security. And then they went back to selling beer and baseball bats to New Yorkers.

Conan O'Brien
Analysts say that President Obama has been ignoring Hillary Clinton's advice for years — which is why we've yet to see him in a pantsuit.

In response to criticism of its treatment of killer whales, SeaWorld said it will build them a larger habitat. When asked for comment, a killer whale said, "Hey, you know what's a larger habitat? The ocean!"

In South America a tribe of Amazon Indians has made contact with the outside world for the first time. The tribe was shocked by skyscrapers, cars, and that "Grey's Anatomy" is still on the air.

Off the coast of Russia, a 200-year-old bottle of booze was found in a shipwreck and it is still drinkable. Isn't that amazing? Of course in Russia everything is still drinkable — antifreeze, you name it.

The Late Show with David Letterman
How about Johnny Football? Anybody see Johnny Manziel for the Browns? I got nothing against the kid but I saw him play last night. I think they ought to change his name to "Johnny Bench."

Toward the end of the game, Johnny Manziel gave Washington the finger. Coincidentally, that's Barack Obama's exit strategy from Washington.

Anthony Weiner is opening a restaurant. Honest to God, how many of you — other than losing a bet, how many of you would go to have a meal at Anthony Weiner's restaurant?

"Meet the Press" has fired host David Gregory and hired another guy, Chuck Todd, to host. To me, if your name is Chuck Todd, it might as well be David Gregory. Todd Chuck, Gregory David, it makes no difference. They're all interchangeable.

Sat, Nov 22, 2014

#3072

Late Night From 08/20

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
Yesterday Egypt's foreign ministry called on the United States to show respect for the rights of protesters in Ferguson, Missouri. Yeah, Egypt said that. Man, talk about living in glass pyramids.

A new study found that it costs $245,000 to raise a child until age 18. Or about $600 if you just give them an iPad.

A man in Massachusetts was arrested this week for breaking into a family’s house after a night of drinking and passing out in their living room. Or as most people in Boston call that, “Uncle Mike's here.”

SeaWorld just announced that it will soon double the size of its killer whale habitats. The whales say it's almost as good as their previous tank — the ocean.

Conan O'Brien
Next weekend Los Angeles is holding its first riverboat race. All that's missing is a river in Los Angeles with water.

Whole Foods has started selling rabbit meat. They're killing them humanely. They're using only rabbits that died of shock after seeing the prices at Whole Foods.

The man who created the first Internet pop-up ad now says he's sorry. The man also says that a 15-minute call to Geico could save you 15 percent on car insurance.

In South America, a tribe of Amazonian Indians have made contact with the outside world for the first time. Their first words were, "What happened to Bruce Jenner's face?"

The Late Show with David Letterman
You can now buy booze at Starbucks. So apparently my letter-writing campaign paid off.

A couple of hours ago I was in Starbucks. I had a vodka-cchino.

The NFL wants singing groups to pay the league to perform at halftime of the Super Bowl. Isn't that crazy? It's like the NFL decided that there's some money out there they don't have our hands on.

I remember last year at the Super Bowl, a group barely played — oh, that was the broncos.

Sun, Nov 23, 2014

#3073

Late Night From 08/21

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
Rob Ford is running for mayor in Toronto, and some people think he’s still on drugs. So yesterday one of the candidates facing Ford challenged him to take a drug test before the election. Then Ford said, “Sweet! I love testing out drugs! Let’s go!"

It seems everyone’s upset with President Obama. Congressman Paul Ryan claimed that Americans are having buyer's remorse about President Obama. I think they might be right because today I saw Obama just standing next to an ice cream maker and a Bowflex.

Hulk Hogan and David Hasselhoff are going to be starring in a new movie together. The film's expected to be released in June . . . of 1985.

A medical marijuana store in California has a new iPhone app that lets people get marijuana delivered to their door. The first step: remembering where you put your iPhone. The app is called, "I Know a Guy."

The Late Show with David Letterman
Summer is nearly over and it's back-to-school time. If you can, send your kids to college so they get a degree and at least then they will know what kind of work they're out of.

Starbucks in New York City is now selling liquor. I was in Starbucks earlier today. I got a grande cappuccino with five pumps of Wild Turkey.

New York City is a big city. I mean, we could probably beat your city up.

What's great this time of the year is the Little League World Series. Does it seem like the kids are getting older in Little League ball? When I watch the Little League World Series, my favorite part is when they show the players' wives.

The winner of the Little League World Series goes on to play the Mets.

Mon, Nov 24, 2014

#3074

Late Night From 08/22

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
Disney's stock just reached a new high this week of $90.37 a share. That's when you know tickets to Disney World are too expensive — when it's actually cheaper to own part of the company.

Not quite as good news for the pet supply chain PetSmart, which may soon be sold to a larger company. Or as they told their employees, “Your jobs are going to a farm upstate.”

A new study found that having a big wedding boosts your chance of having a good marriage. While having a destination wedding boosts your chance of having friends who hate you.

The Duggars from “19 Kids and Counting” just announced that their daughter Jill is expecting her first child. In a statement, the Duggars said, “We’re excited to meet the baby and welcome him into our army — family! We mean family.”

Tue, Nov 25, 2014

#3075

Late Night From 08/25

The Late Show with David Letterman
Did you hear about the earthquake in California's Napa Valley? That's wine country. The Red Cross now says they want some donations of Merlot.

A 6.0 earthquake. It was so powerful it knocked Arnold Schwarzenegger off his housekeeper.

6.0 — I've had heart attacks bigger than that.

How about the Little League World Series. I'm not crazy about a world series that actually features teams from around the world.

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