Jokes of the day

3026 - 3050


Tue, Oct 07, 2014


Late Night From 06/19/14
Part 2

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
Queen Elizabeth is planning to visit the set of “Game of Thrones” next week. She said things are hard to keep track of because everyone keeps dying. And then Prince Charles said, “Not everyone."

Domino's has a new voice-activated iPhone app that will help customers order pizza. You just speak your order into the phone. Or as that's called now, "ordering a pizza."

A new study says Facebook users can be affected by the mood of their friends. For example, if your friend is depressed on Facebook, you'll be depressed. And if they're really happy on Facebook, you'll be even more depressed.

The American Medical Association says that cheerleading should be classified as a sport because of the skill and training that goes into it. Then LeBron's teammates said, “See? We ARE athletes.”

Conan O'Brien
Boxing champ Floyd Mayweather posted on his Instagram that a half-dressed woman is asking to be disrespected. This from a guy who wears only shorts to work.

Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino — remember him? He was arrested for getting in a fight with his brother at a tanning salon. This marks a disturbing trend in orange-on-orange violence which cannot continue.

The Late Show with David Letterman
You know where it's bad now? Iraq. It was bad and now it's getting worse. Today President Obama said he might have to send in Dennis Rodman.

Iraq is so bad that President Obama phoned Hillary Clinton and asked her if she could start early.

Tomorrow is the 39th anniversary of a movie that we all saw and enjoyed and still enjoy today — "Jaws." The director, of course, Stephen Spielberg — talk about a one-hit wonder!

Sunday night they're broadcasting the annual Daytime Emmy Awards. They have the Prime-Time Emmy awards. These are the Daytime Emmy Awards. Same like with the Nobel Prize. They have the Daytime Nobel Prizes.

Wed, Oct 08, 2014


Late Night From 06/23/14
Part 1

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
It was not a great weekend for the American soccer fan. We're still recovering from a draw with Portugal, 2-2. It was a long game, four points total, and America didn't win. If that doesn't get people to start watching soccer, nothing will.

People are disappointed by the World Cup match. I haven't seen this much disappointment since they announced Ben Affleck was playing Batman. Since Justin Bieber avoided jail. Since Honey Boo Boo's family went to a vegan restaurant. Since Whole Foods in L.A. ran out of kale.

A tie in the World Cup puts the U.S. in a tough spot because the next game isn't until Thursday, so people in L.A. have to pretend to care about soccer for another 72 hours.

People in L.A. are saying, "I'm really worried about the game. And also that Whole Foods ran out of kale.”

Jimmy Kimmel Live
Did you watch the match between United States and Portugal? I don't know if I'm supposed to be happy or not. It ended in a tie. For a short time Americans cared about soccer.

As weird as it sounds, that tie might be the biggest win in U.S. soccer history. The U.S. will advance to the next round with a win or a tie against Germany, or if Ghana and Portugal tie on Thursday, or if the goal differential, which is the total of points, falls in our favor, or if any one of the other teams gets malaria.

The World Cup is very confusing. It could take up to a month after the final game to figure out who won.

Late Night From 06/20

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Happy birthday to Lionel Richie. He turns 65 today. He is getting up there. He's gone from "Dancing on the Ceiling" to "Rubbing in the Ointment." He's gone from "Dancing on the Ceiling" to "Falling in the Shower."

A big movie opened today. I'm very excited about it. "Jersey Boys." It's based on the Broadway play. It's about the hot musical group all the kids love — Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons.

Their biggest hit was "Big Girls Don't Cry." It came out in 1962, the year I was born. That's why my nickname growing up was "Big girl."

To be honest, I don't know how well "Jersey Boys" is going to do. People in Los Angeles can't relate to a movie about Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons. Because people here have no idea what a season is.

This movie is directed by Clint Eastwood. It's great to see Clint Eastwood back in the director's chair, instead of yelling at chairs.

Thu, Oct 09, 2014


Late Night From 06/23
Part 2

Conan O'Brien
Over the weekend Pope Francis implied that the Mafia should be excommunicated. In a related story, the Pope is missing. And nobody saw nothin'.

After a tie with Portugal in the World Cup, the U.S. soccer team now faces Germany on Thursday. And if the U.S. team beats Germany, they advance. If they lose, Americans go back to hating soccer again.

That’s the nice thing about the World Cup. We can be invested if we win. If we lose it's like: Oh, it's soccer, I don't care.

President Obama said he wants his daughters to work minimum wage jobs because it builds character. The president then announced he will be raising the minimum wage to $50 an hour.

The Late Show with David Letterman
Last week Pope Francis excommunicated all members of the Mafia. I believe his exact phrase was, "Eh, no dice."

After the Pope's announcement about the Mafia, the first thing I thought was: Well, good luck starting the Popemobile.

Kraft is recalling 260 cases of Velveeta cheese. Problems with the ignition switch.

Fri, Oct 10, 2014


Late Night From 06/24
Part 1

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
At the World Cup a guy bit another guy. I didn't know soccer was a game where you could bite other men.

There are rules to the game of soccer. You can't go around behaving like Dracula — although that would be great, Dracula as a soccer player.

Italy was eliminated from the World Cup. Italians were running through the streets waving their hands around, screaming at each other. Then they heard about the World Cup.

The cast of "Game of Thrones" had a very special visitor — Queen Elizabeth. A lot of the Royals on "Game of Thrones" get offed. It leads me to believe this visit was arranged by Prince Charles.

Jimmy Kimmel Live
During the World Cup today, Uruguay forward Luis Suarez bit an Italian player. Last year he got a 10-game suspension for biting a player. Now he bit an Italian. One or two bites is one thing. But when you bite three people, I think that's considered to be a spree, right?

The World Cup incident might even be classified as a vampire attack. And let's face it, Italian food is delicious.

LeBron James' agent said LeBron will become a free agent on July 1. Can a guy who makes more than $20 million technically be a free agent?

Wouldn't it be funny if he went back to Cleveland? That would be like getting back together with an ex and pretending nothing happened.

Sat, Oct 11, 2014


Late Night From 06/24
Part 2

Conan O'Brien
At the World Cup, Uruguay's Luis Suarez bit a player from Italy's team. It's the third time he's done it. The last time he bit a Chinese player and then claimed he was hungry an hour later.

Yesterday Michelle Obama said she wants Americans to elect a woman president "as soon as possible." So even she has had enough of President Obama.

Yesterday Starbucks introduced their new decaf soda called Fizzio. It's an Italian word that means "tastes OK, costs too much."

The Late Show with David Letterman
I did some historical research today. Adolf Hitler, it turns out, was delinquent in his income taxes. He owed over $3 million in taxes. Boy, you think you know somebody.

And not only that, but Hitler was forced to sell his NBA team.

I am excited about the World Cup and the U.S. soccer team. But I will admit there are nuances to the game that are lost on me. For example, the United States has won one game, tied one game. They play Germany, and if they tie Germany 0-0, they advance to the finals. It's just that exciting, ladies and gentlemen.

They had a fundraising softball game at Yankee Stadium over the weekend, and do you know who played? New Jersey Governor Chris Christie. He had a great day at the plate. I'm talking about lunch.

Sun, Oct 12, 2014


Late Night From 06/25

Conan O'Brien
The World Cup has an official song. The official anthem is "We Will Find a Way." It narrowly beat out the other contender, "I Feel Someone's Teeth in My Shoulder."

Luis Suarez, the Uruguayan player who bit an opponent, may get banned for two years. On the plus side, he has just signed a million-dollar endorsement deal to promote rabies.

Both the U.S. and German teams have very good goalies, so many are predicting a very low-scoring game tomorrow. So don't expect to see another one of those 1-0 blowouts.

England was knocked out of the World Cup. It's the most English people wiped out at one time since the last episode of "Game of Thrones."

The Late Show with David Letterman
During the World Cup, Uruguay is playing Italy and one of their players bites an Italian player. How many of you folks have ever been bitten by a Uruguayan?

FIFA, the world soccer governing body, says the guy who did the biting has to wear one of those dog cones for the rest of the tournament.

A guy outside of a McDonald's tried to break up a fight and he got stabbed in the back. He then took out his cellphone and called a buddy. This gives you an idea how bad crime is in New York City. People don't even notice now when they've been stabbed.

The guy goes back into the McDonald's with the knife sticking out of his back and he says, "Is there a McDoctor in the house?"

Mon, Oct 13, 2014


Late Night From 06/26
Part 1

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
The American men's soccer team advanced to the knockout round in the World Cup after a victorious defeat by Germany.

People in L.A. can't stop pretending to be soccer fans just yet.

It was so wet during the World Cup game that dolphins were getting stuck in the net. It was so wet that I saw Russell Crowe float by in an ark. It was so wet the new U.S. goalie is Aquaman. So wet the winners received a ShamWow!

The next opponent for the U.S. will be Belgium. The Belgians are favored over the U.S. But so far, the Belgians have been cagey about saying if they think they'll win. That's right, the Belgians are waffling.

Jimmy Kimmel Live
The U.S. team was back in the World Cup today and played Germany. It was a highly anticipated match. The last time they squared off, Tom Hanks died so Matt Damon could go home.

Germany beat the U.S. 1-0. But the good news is, no one was bitten in this game. Even though the U.S. lost, they still advance to the next round because in soccer, nothing makes sense at all. There's no rhyme or reason for it.

That player from Uruguay, Luis Suarez, who bit the Italian player, has been suspended for nine games and banned for all soccer-related events for four months. They're also putting him on soft food for a while.

Tonight is the NBA draft, also known as "Purchase a Giant Day." Cleveland had the No. 1 overall pick and took Andrew Wiggins from the University of Kansas, who has already announced plans to leave the team to play in Miami.

Tue, Oct 14, 2014


Late Night From 06/26
Part 2

Conan O'Brien
The U.S. lost to Germany today, but because FIFA rules dictate that teams get one point for a tie, three points for a win, and zero points for a loss, and both the U.S. and Portugal had a score of four, and because the U.S. had a higher goal differential, the U.S. still advances. That's the rules — and that in a nutshell is why Americans don't follow soccer.

FIFA has announced that Luis Suarez, the player who bit an opponent, will be banned for nine games, or as Suarez put it, "nine meals."

A man walked into McDonald's with a knife in his back. Yeah, with a knife in his back. His heart wasn't in danger until he ordered the food, said doctors.

Lindsay Lohan is going to be making her stage debut in London. Lohan is looking forward to England because she already drives on the wrong side of the road.

The Late Show with David Letterman
NBC is making a movie about the Beatles. However, they will not be allowed to use the Beatles music and they will not be allowed to use the Beatles likenesses. Other than that it's a green light all the way.

Earlier tonight was the NBA draft. That means at least a few college kids will have jobs.

Even if you are not a basketball fan, tune into the NBA draft if you can because it's a great opportunity to see Kardashian future ex-husbands.

The Washington Redskins are being pressured to change their name. Well, they haven't had much luck in the last four or five seasons. They're kind of stumbling. They can't get out of their own way. How about the "Washington Congress"?

Wed, Oct 15, 2014


Late Night From 06/27

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
A big movie opened. "Transformers: Age of Extinction." You know, the Transformers — they transform. They are robots in disguise. I don't know if it will do well. After all these World Cup games, Americans can't handle any more excitement.

A new show premieres Saturday night on the Learning Channel. If you know anything about me, you know I'm always watching the Learning Channel. I want to learn something!

The Learning Channel's new show is called "Buying Naked." It's a reality show about nudists buying houses. You know the thing about nakedness: People say I want to see you naked and then you see somebody naked and you think, Oh, I spoke too soon. It is better in the concept form.

Thu, Oct 16, 2014


Late Night From 06/30

Jimmy Kimmel Live
Do you remember the smile on the little girl's face when Frosty the Snowman came back to life? Well, that's kind of how I felt today when the honorable Mayor Rob Ford returned to the city of Toronto.

It's always a great day for a city when their mayor comes back from rehab.

We're now down to the final 38 weeks of the World Cup.

This morning when France played Nigeria, it was the first time an American referee ever officiated a knockout round match. The French won it by a touchdown.

Fri, Oct 17, 2014


Late Night From 07/01

Jimmy Kimmel Live
At the World Cup, the U.S. team defied all expectations. They were not expected to get out of the first round. They took the dreaded Belgium into overtime. They call it extra time, but I don't. It's overtime.

Unfortunately Belgium won it, which is ridiculous. I didn't know Belgium was a real country.

You know what they call Belgian waffles in Belgium? Waffles.

It's hard to lose to a nation of pacifist chocolatiers.

But all work stopped this afternoon when the game went into overtime. Productivity did suffer. I'm sure that happened in a lot of offices across the country. There are no sporting events that increase productivity. It's not like you hear, "Wow, this U.S. Open makes me want to crank out these expense reports."

Sat, Oct 18, 2014


Late Night From 07/02

Jimmy Kimmel Live
I'm trying to figure out what to make for the Fourth of July. Hamburgers and hot dogs get a lot of attention, but the Fourth is really the blueberry's day to shine. When you need a blue food to round out your red, white, and blue items, there's nowhere else to turn but the blueberry.

Every year, the blueberry has it right where it wants us. I say good for the blueberry. It deserves it.

In Iran there's a TV show, a sitcom — it's weird that they even have a sitcom. But it's a rip-off of "Modern Family." They use Iranian actors and make shot-for-shot re-creations with the same plots and jokes. But their "Modern Family" has no gay characters. The most modern family on Iranian TV up to this point is the Flintstones.

Seven Stones is a traditional game they play in the Middle East where teams compete to build and destroy a pile of rocks. "Seven Stones" is followed by "How I Met Your Mullah."

Sun, Oct 19, 2014


Late Night From 07/07

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
I hope everyone had a great Fourth of July weekend. And if you don’t remember it, then trust me, you did.

Congrats to Joey Chestnut. On Friday he won the Fourth of July Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest by eating 61 hot dogs in 10 minutes. Another guy said, “But I ate a hundred!” Then the judges said, “You have to wait until we say ‘Go!', Governor Christie."

Joey Chestnut won his eighth consecutive Hot Dog Eating Contest. Unfortunately, the win was overshadowed when his rival, Johnny Hot Dog, won his ninth consecutive Chestnut Eating Contest.

House Speaker John Boehner is threatening to sue President Obama for using executive actions to create laws, instead of going through Congress first. Then Obama shrugged and made a new law that you can't sue the president.

The Late Show with David Letterman
At Coney Island they had the annual Hot Dog Eating Contest and that guy who wins every year won again. I thought maybe the Kenyan would win this year, but he didn't.

Here's something to think about when you're a little low, concerned about world events. This guy Joey Chestnut ate 61 hot dogs in 12 minutes. Ladies and gentlemen, America is still getting it done!

That's 61 hot dogs in 12 minutes, or as New Jersey Governor Chris Christie calls it — a snack.

The U.S. soccer team was eliminated from the World Cup competition, but they gave it a pretty good run. But the problem now is we have to find something else to pretend to care about.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
It's a great day to be in Spain because today's the annual festival of cruelty to animals — the Running of the Bulls.

It's a terrifying feeling to be rushed by that giant herd of creatures. It's like being the last candy bar at Honey Boo Boo's house.

Earnest Hemingway wrote about the Running of the Bulls in "The Sun Also Rises." Thank God someone like Hemingway wrote about it instead of some dude on Twitter.

The Running of the Bulls tradition started in the 1500s. Instead of saying it is too dangerous, they'd say "You know, if we got drunk enough we could turn this into a festival."

Late Night With Seth Meyers
Last week the U.S. was eliminated by Belgium at the World Cup. And next week Belgium will be eliminated by drones.

Today was the annual Running of the Bulls in Spain. So if you’re sick of all the fake injuries at the World Cup, get ready for some real ones.

An 81-year-old woman in the U.K. went sky diving to help raise money for a local hospital. They didn’t raise a lot of money, but they did get a new patient.

Mon, Oct 20, 2014


Late Night From 07/08

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
Yesterday Toronto Mayor Rob Ford attended his first city council meeting since he got back from rehab. He said, “It's great to be back, but man, these things are boring when you're sober.”

Rob Ford attended his first city council meeting. But it got weird when he said, "Hello, Toronto City Council!" And they said, "This is Buffalo, sir . . . And you have to put a shirt on."

Target Field in Minnesota will have self-serve beer machines at the All-Star Game next week. Big deal. My dad had a self-serving beer machine 30 years ago. It was called "Jimmy."

This year’s box-office revenue is down 20 percent from last summer. I’m not sure why that is, but I'll bet you there’s a documentary on Netflix about it.

The Late Show with David Letterman
It's summer in New York City. It's 91 and steamy — like Joan Rivers!

The oldest living person in the United States is 116 years old. People always pester the old people. They asked her, "How did you get so old? What's your secret?" And the woman said, "Well, I was born a really long time ago."

She is 116 years old. She's so old her first pet is extinct.

They asked the 116-year-old woman, "Do you have any regrets?" And she said, "Yeah, I wish I hadn't left 'The View.'"

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
On this day in 1776 in Philadelphia, the Liberty Bell rang to announce the first public reading of the Declaration of Independence. Philadelphia's called the City of Brotherly Love. The name comes from the Greek word "filla," meaning brother, and "delphia," meaning cheesesteak.

Cheesesteak is the dish Philadelphia is known for. I don't know what dish we're known for here in L.A. It may be kale salad that you can eat and then throw up later because you have an audition.

A Philly cheesesteak is made of steak, bread, cheese, onions, and a complete disregard for your health.

The baseball team in Philadelphia is the Phillies. I always thought that was kind of a lazy name. It's like calling a team the New York Yorkies or the Atlanta Ta-Ta's.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
A new rumor has surfaced that the next iPhone will feature an all-glass exterior. Because why should just the front be cracked?

According to a new report, millennials view smartphones as more important than deodorant. That makes sense. Nobody ever totals their car because they were staring at their deodorant.

This summer New Yorkers will be able to order delivery food to sunbathing spots in Central Park. Although if you have to order delivery to the place where you’re sunbathing, you probably shouldn’t be sunbathing.

A Ugandan police officer claims he was forced to shoot an aggressive tortoise that attacked him while he was drinking tea at home. In his defense, he had to act quickly, or move over a few feet and weigh his options for another hour.

Tue, Oct 21, 2014


Late Night From 07/09

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
Welcome to the Tonight Show. I’m Jimmy Fallon — and in the time it took me to say that, Germany scored five more goals against Brazil.

There was a huge blowout at the World Cup yesterday when Germany beat Brazil 7-1 in the semifinals. It got so bad that the refs told Brazil, “You know what? Go ahead and use your hands.”

Germany was really excited about the World Cup win. When asked what they're going to do next, Germany said, "We're going to invade Disney World!"

Congrats to LeBron James who just announced that he and his wife are expecting their third child. When asked if he wants a boy or a girl, LeBron said he was currently reviewing his options and would let the media know when he made a decision.

The Late Show with David Letterman
At the World Cup, Germany defeated Brazil 7-1. Germany really mauled Brazil. In fact, Angela Merkel scored two goals.

Germany took care of Brazil. Now it's on to Poland, Austria, and Czechoslovakia.

Happy birthday to Ed Lowe, the man who invented Kitty Litter. Here's what I admire about Ed Lowe. Here was a guy who was thinking inside the box.

Happy birthday also to O.J. Simpson. Of course you remember O.J. He was charged with double homicide and forced to sell his NBA team. O.J. cut the birthday cake and then hid the knife.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Today is National Sugar Cookie Day. The entire month of July is National Cream Month. You're welcome, diabetes.

There was a big TV show tonight that premiered on CBS — "Extant." It stars Halle Berry and was produced by Steven Spielberg so you know CBS spent money on it, just like they did this show.

In "Extant" Halle Berry plays an astronaut who mysteriously winds up pregnant after a space mission. The series will answer the question: How did Arnold Schwarzenegger get onto that ship?

Late Night With Seth Meyers
Yesterday, Brazil lost to Germany in the World Cup semifinals by a score of 7 to 1. People in Brazil were so upset that they partied only until 3 in the morning.

A British man is being fined 150 pounds for stealing a box of diapers. The man was able to steal the diapers because they were being guarded by a Brazilian goalie.

According to a new report from BP, the earth will run out of oil in 53 years. Luckily, thanks to BP, the ocean will still have plenty.

In an upcoming article for The Wall Street Journal, Tyra Banks predicts that everyone will have a robot in the future. The article raised a lot of good questions, like: Why is The Wall Street Journal interviewing Tyra Banks?

Wed, Oct 22, 2014


Late Night From 07/10

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
Today, our show got nominated for six Emmy Awards! And if we win for best show, I promised to give the Emmy to my parents. And if we win for best writing, I promised to give the Emmy to Rob Ford. He wrote half our monologues.

Two teams are left in the World Cup. Yesterday Argentina beat the Netherlands on penalty kicks after both teams went scoreless. That’s right, the game was decided by penalty kicks. People hadn't seen that many kicks since Beyoncé's sister got into an elevator with Jay-Z.

People who wanted to go on the new Harry Potter ride at Universal had to wait in line for more than seven hours this week. That's right, seven hours of waiting just for a couple minutes of action. Or as that's also called, “watching soccer.”

Justin Bieber will be charged with one count of misdemeanor vandalism for throwing eggs at his neighbor's home in January. Or as he calls that, “street cred.”

The Late Show with David Letterman
I just got a call backstage from people at the NBA. It looks like LeBron James is going back to Cleveland. Yup, and I'm going back to NBC.

The Republican National Convention is going to be held in 2016 in Cleveland. They outbid New York City. Cleveland beat New York City. And I'm thinking to myself: Wait a minute, this is not right. Hookers and bribes don't work anymore? What is the problem?

According to a new study, the largest producer of oil is now the United States. So you know what that means — any day now we'll be invading ourselves.

On this date in 1804, Aaron Burr had a duel with Vice President Alexander Hamilton. Aaron Burr killed Alexander Hamilton and got off scot-free. Later he was convicted for stealing sports memorabilia.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Wyoming became a state on this day in 1918. Everybody celebrated from Cheyenne to another city in Wyoming.

Wyoming is one of the few states that doesn't have a pro sports team. So happy birthday. You can have the Lakers.

It's a full moon this weekend. So if you see someone with long fingernails and howling at the moon it's probably just a werewolf or Gary Busey.

Gary Busey doesn't really exist. That's just a story to frighten children, isn't it?

Late Night With Seth Meyers
The 2014 Emmy Award nominations came out this morning and "Game of Thrones" leads all shows with 19 nominations. It was nominated for best drama, best costumes, and worst job security.

This week Donald Sterling told a Los Angeles judge that to keep control of the Clippers, he will sue the NBA until the day he dies. And by the looks of him, that day was four years ago.

Argentina beat Holland in the World Cup semifinals yesterday and now Argentina will face Germany in the World Cup Finals. Argentina versus Germany. And if you don’t know who to root for, imagine how elderly Nazis feel.

According to a new report, there is a shrine in Japan solely dedicated to hemorrhoids. Seating is limited, but usually available.

Thu, Oct 23, 2014


Late Night From 07/11

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
LeBron James announced that he will be returning to the Cleveland Cavaliers four years after he left the team. That’s right, he's coming home. LeBron is going back to Cleveland. Or as Cleveland fans put it, "Is there a way to unburn jerseys?”

The Miami Heat’s owner Micky Arison, who also owns Carnival Cruises, said today he’s shocked and disappointed by LeBron’s decision. But I think he'll be OK. I mean, if there's anyone who's used to dealing with a sinking ship . . .

Yesterday Rick Perry told President Obama to go to the U.S.-Mexico border and see the immigration crisis firsthand because Americans expect to see their president when there is a disaster. Which is why today Obama showed up in Miami.

A company in the U.K. is making news for developing a new vegetable called Brussel-Kale, which is a hybrid of Brussels sprouts and kale. They said, “We got the idea from a child's nightmare.”

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Tiger Woods is not playing in The Masters this year. Apparently he injured his back "swinging."

North Korea is negotiating to broadcast the Teletubbies. They have to make changes for North Korean TV. For starters, every episode will end with one of the Teletubbies being executed.

And, of course, every Teletubby will have Kim Jong Un's haircut.

Piers Morgan is being replaced on CNN by Anthony Bourdain. I hope I'm not punished with a job on CNN.

Fri, Oct 24, 2014


Late Night From 07/14
Part 1

The Late Show with David Letterman
Germany is your World Cup champions, ladies and gentlemen. The winning German soccer team received a congratulatory phone call from Angela Merkel. Of course we know this because we're still bugging her phone.

People are going to see the new "Planet of the Apes" movie. It's in 3-D, and it is so realistic you can barely see the zippers on the backs of the monkey suits.

The new "Planet of the Apes" movie is more fun than a barrel full of people.

LeBron James is going back to Cleveland. In return Cleveland released five Taliban prisoners.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
The new "Planet of the Apes" movie made a ton of money over the weekend. It's about a world dominated by aggressive hairy beasts. Don't we already have that?

Congratulations, my German friends. They are World Cup champions. People in Germany were going nuts, firing guns into the air, marching up and down the streets. Then they heard about the World Cup win.

Germans haven't been this excited since the release of the last David Hasselhoff album. They haven't been this excited since Oktoberfest included an all-you-can-eat wiener buffet.

People in Germany went bonkers. Rumor has it that up to half a dozen Germans actually cracked a smile.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
Well, it was an amazing weekend in sports. LeBron went back to being a Cavalier, Carmelo went back to being a Knick, and soccer went back to being a thing you drive your kids to.

Germany defeated Argentina 1-0 to win the World Cup. German fans went absolutely crazy from 9:00 until 9:15.

Brazil's coach resigned following the country's historic 7-1 loss in the World Cup last week. He says he wants to spend more time focusing on not being murdered.

The Orange County Fair in California has started selling bacon-wrapped churros, fried in bacon fat and filled with a half shot of Jack Daniels. I hear they are simply to die of.

Sat, Oct 25, 2014


Late Night From 07/14
Part 2

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
Yesterday was the big World Cup final between Germany and Argentina. And if you caught only the last couple of minutes of the game, don't worry — you saw the whole thing.

The World Cup is finally over. In other words, bars are about to start showing sports that make sense again.

During yesterday’s World Cup final, a guy ran onto the field with the phrase “natural born prankster” written on his chest — because nothing says good clean fun like spending the night in a Brazilian prison.

While he was in Cuba this weekend, Vladimir Putin met with Fidel Castro and promised to revive Cuba's oil industry. Not to be confused with the other thing Cuba's always having to revive: Fidel Castro.

Conan O'Brien
Did you all watch soccer yesterday? Guess what? I'm not going to get to ask you that for another four years.

I'm going to miss watching a sport I don't understand.

Germany won the World Cup. That was the big news. Some of the Germans actually smiled when they watched.

Germany won, but they're still mad at us for spying on them. So they're considering going back to using typewriters to avoid being spied on. It's never good news when Germany says they're going to go back to their old ways.

Sun, Oct 26, 2014


Late Night From 07/15

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
This crazy weather we've been having all over the country — it’s because the polar vortex is back. The polar vortex is causing the Midwest to experience fall-like temperatures. I can't tell if climate change is still a problem or if God just put the Earth on "Shuffle."

And maybe that's why the FCC just announced that it wants to overhaul the Emergency Alert System so President Obama would be able to interrupt any TV broadcast and address the country instantly. Which of course raises the question: He can't do that ALREADY?

They want to make it so the president can instantly interrupt TV broadcasts whenever there's breaking news. Then Obama said, "And I mean REAL breaking news, not that CNN stuff."

The number of pot delivery services has tripled in the last three years because more states are easing their marijuana laws. And the first person who figures out how to combine that with a pizza delivery service will be our country's first trillionaire.

Conan O'Brien
To avoid being spied on by the NSA, Germany is considering using typewriters now to communicate so we can't spy on them. Germany says they may even go further back and start using AOL accounts.

Authorities at the airport in Los Angeles intercepted an illegal shipment of 67 live giant African snails. It's being called the world's slowest perp walk.

According to a dating app, Amazon employees are more desirable than employees at other tech companies. Plus, if you sleep with one, they will recommend someone else you might also like.

Kim Kardashian has a new iPhone app that experts say could make her $200 million this year. But keep in mind she has to give 10 percent to her manager, 10 percent to her agent, and 10 percent to Satan.

The Late Show with David Letterman
Pope Francis is considering repealing celibacy for priests. Priests will no longer have to take a vow of celibacy. See what you can accomplish when you don't have Congress standing in your way?

They're still talking about the World Cup. I think it would have broader appeal here in the United States if you could use your hands AND your feet.

So the old Pope from Germany and the present Pope from Argentina got together at the Vatican and watched the World Cup together. We even have the footage — they're praying over a pizza.

Congratulations to Germany! They have now won four World Cup soccer championships. But — they are still O for 2 in world wars.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
According to a new study, one in four Americans admits to not exercising at all. As a result, one in four Americans is actually TWO in four Americans.

The border crisis continues. And a new poll shows the majority of Americans disapprove of how President Obama is dealing with immigration. Of course, those numbers could change if he lets more people into America.

Over the weekend, firefighters in Minnesota rescued a woman who had been stuck in quicksand for over 14 hours. So, not the quickest sand.

Today, Archie Comics publishers revealed that in Wednesday's issue, comic book icon Archie will die trying to stop an assassination attempt on his gay friend. Not to be outdone, Snoopy will die by taking a shiv in the ribs for Peppermint Patty.

Mon, Oct 27, 2014


Late Night From 07/16

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
President Obama called German Chancellor Angela Merkel yesterday to talk about improving relations with our country after this latest spying scandal. Obama made her a pretty good offer. He said, "Look, we'll stop spying if we can borrow your soccer team."

Speaking of Obama, yesterday Congressman Raul Labrador said that impeaching President Obama isn't a good idea, because, quote, "no one wants President Joe Biden." And that's when Biden realized why Obama picked him as a running mate.

I just saw that minor league baseball players have filed a class-action lawsuit to demand better pay — as opposed to the OTHER way they could get better pay: being better at baseball.

Conan O'Brien
A major wildfire in northern California is now being blamed on marijuana farmers. Everyone in the region's really angry about it — unless they're downwind, then they're totally cool.

There's currently a petition to split California into several states. Among the new states would be Botoxia, Pornsylvania, and of course, the Commonwealth of Kardashiania.

The drought is so bad, we're taking extreme measures in two weeks. That is the most California thing I have ever heard of. This is serious, man!

This drought — we're in big trouble. We're going to do something about it eventually, if we feel like it!

The Late Show with David Letterman
New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie is in Iowa campaigning at a big cookout because this is what you do if you want to be president. He's out there all day telling people the hotdog line is closed for a traffic study.

If you are attending this campaign cookout in Iowa, please, this is sort of like the running of the bulls in Pamplona. Do not get between the governor and the potato salad.

The New York City Fire Department calendar is here and it's sizzling. A full year of shirtless, hunky heroes. Also available, the companion calendar: just the shirts. All the sexy shirts the firefighters weren't wearing.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
Yesterday, Iran asked the U.S. for an extension on disabling their nuclear program. When asked how much time they needed, they said, "10, 9, 8..."

This week Dick Cheney called President Obama "the worst president of my lifetime." Oh come on, Obama may not be perfect, but there's no way he's worse than John Quincy Adams.

Today, Lay’s announced that cappuccino is one of the finalists for their new chip flavor contest. And if you think that sounds bad, wait until you try Starbucks' new Sour Cream and Onion Latte.

Tue, Oct 28, 2014


Late Night From 07/17

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
This week, our pal Rob Ford faced off against his four challengers in a debate for Toronto mayor. His opponents were, of course, pretty critical of his performance, but Ford said, "Hey, my record slurs for itself."

Chris Christie warned against presidential candidates running too soon. Then earthquake experts warned Chris Christie against running at all. "Cities just aren't equipped to deal with it."

President Obama said that his strategy for foreign policy is to be patient and determined. Which is also his strategy when it comes to Biden's bedtime.

There are reports that Amazon is coming out with a new service for the Kindle that will be like a Netflix for books. You can look at a bunch of different books but you don't have to buy them. Or, as Barnes & Noble calls that, "Our business model."

The Late Show with David Letterman
People love the new Pope, but I think it's safe to say he's gone crazy. Now he's thinking about doing away with celibacy for priests. Are you like me? Are you thinking "Real Housewives of the Vatican?"

I don't know if this is a good idea or not. Do you really want a priest showing up for the last rites with a date?

Now the FCC wants to update the Emergency Alert System so the president can interrupt any TV program. "We interrupt this program so the president can tell America what he had for lunch: a good bowl of matzo ball soup. This concludes today's presidential lunch update."

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
It's not only David Hasselhoff's birthday, it's also the birthday of Angela Merkel, the chancellor of Germany. One is Germany's most powerful leader, but is not afraid to look feminine. And the other one is Angela Merkel.

It's a great day for a man in Brazil. He's 126 and has been called the world's oldest person. He says the highlight of his life was playing goalie for Brazil in this year's World Cup.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
Today is the 30th anniversary of the National Minimum Drinking Age Act, which raised the drinking age to 21. Also turning 30 today: a 16-year-old boy, according to his fake ID.

A federal judge ruled yesterday that California's version of the death penalty is unconstitutional. Apparently the difference is California's version has avocado on it.

According to a new report, 81 percent of people would cheat on their partner if there were no consequences, while 19 percent of people are pretty sure this is a test.

Even though both Israel and Hamas fired on one another during the five-hour humanitarian period yesterday, the U.N. secretary general said both sides "mostly respected" the cease-fire. That's like leaving the house without pants and saying you're "mostly dressed."

Wed, Oct 29, 2014


Late Night From 07/18

Real Time wiht Bill Maher
"Before the incursion that started yesterday the Israeli's agreed to a five hour cease fire so the Palestinians could get supplies and food - how Jewish is that? 'We're going to attack you, but first you should eat.'"

"Rupert Murdoch. the guy that owns FOX News. is wanting to buy Time Warner - which owns HBO - in which case you could kiss my ass goodbye. Yes, welcome to 'Real Time with Bill O'Reilly.'"

"Marvel Comics announced that the next Captain America will be black. He has the same powers as white Captain America except he has to show ID when he votes."

"New Rule: Americans who couldn't get into the World Cup no matter how hard they tried have to stop feeling guilty about it. It doesn't mean that we're not sophisticated. All it proves is that unemployed people will watch anything. It's a giant bore. Involving two boring subjects: nationalism and soccer. On the bright side, it has reminded the German people how good it feels to be whipped into a nationalistic frenzy, and what could go wrong with that?"

Thu, Oct 30, 2014


Late Night From 07/21

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
President Obama was giving an interview recently, and get this, he said he thought that Joe Biden would be a good president. When asked why, he was like, "Because he'd make me look AMAZING."

Edward Snowden is back with yet another spying scandal. In a new interview, Snowden revealed that NSA employees regularly pass around nude pictures of people they spy on. It got even weirder when German Chancellor Angela Merkel said, "So, vat do you think?"

I heard that Rob Ford's nephew is planning to run for a seat on the Toronto City Council. He has an interesting campaign slogan: "I'm adopted!"

Last night, a 105-year-old woman threw out the first pitch at the San Diego Padres game. It got a bit weird when she turned to 50 Cent and said, "Now THAT'S how you throw a baseball!"

Conan O'Brien
"Star Wars" fans are very upset that the story line of the upcoming new "Star Wars" movie has been leaked. Apparently the movie starts with R2-D2, Chewbacca, and Han Solo all waking up in Vegas.

Officials are concerned that people in Los Angeles are too apathetic about the drought. We're not doing anything about it. Of course, that will change next week when we announce that the drought is killing all the marijuana crops.

NSA whistleblower Edward Snowden is back in the news. He says the military at the NSA often shared nude photos that Americans had emailed to one another. So if your girlfriend won't send you naked pictures, just tell her, do it for the troops.

The Late Show with David Letterman
President Kennedy said let's put a man on the moon, and by God, 10 years later we put a man on the moon. Yesterday was the 45th anniversary. Nowadays a big deal for us is we combined the croissant and the doughnut to get a cronut.

When we landed on the moon everybody remembers what they were doing, and everybody remembers what Neil Armstrong said just before he left the capsule and stepped onto the surface of the moon. He said: "Out of my way, Buzz!" Whack!

A 105-year-old women in San Diego threw out the first pitch in a baseball game. I think it's great to see Barbara Walters is still out there.

She pitched seven scoreless innings! And she's the only woman who slept with both Alex Rodriguez and Babe Ruth.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
In a recent interview, President Obama said Joe Biden "would be a superb president." In a related story, Hillary Clinton punched a hole in a door.

The Chicago Cubs have filed a lawsuit against a man who got into a bar fight while unofficially dressed as the team's mascot. They could tell he wasn’t affiliated with the Cubs because he won.

According to a new poll, two-thirds of people in Colorado think it should be illegal to smoke marijuana in public, while the other one-third are still laughing at the word "poll."

Fri, Oct 31, 2014


Late Night From 07/22

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
I saw that Hillary Clinton visited the headquarters of Twitter and Facebook yesterday. Hillary would also have visited LinkedIn, but she already knows what job she wants.

Netflix revealed earlier this week that it now has more than 50 million users — and one actual subscriber. I love Netflix!

A JetBlue pilot was arrested this week and charged with heroin possession. Passengers could tell something was up when, during their flight, he announced, "To your left you'll see the Grand Canyon, and to your right you'll see a fire-breathing dragon."

I just read about this student at MIT who's created a new robot that can play Connect Four. Yes, an emotionless machine that can occasionally sit down and play a board game with you, or as I called that growing up — my Dad.

Conan O'Brien
A professor from U.C. Berkeley said we are on track for having the worst drought in 500 years. Which explains why Larry King was overheard saying, "This again?"

You can tell this drought is getting really bad. Today at lunch, my waiter asked if I wanted a glass of water or a future for my children. I took the water.

There's a lot of speculation about the new iPhone. It's expected to have a larger screen and a better operating system. Yes, the new iPhone will be called last year's Samsung Galaxy.

Netflix is testing a new feature that will allow you to hide what you've been watching. You just click the button and it says, I want to stay married.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
These huge white flags were placed on top of the Brooklyn Bridge. And late this afternoon, word came from the FBI that the New York Mets have surrendered.

Happy birthday to England's Prince George, who turns 1 today. The prince’s first birthday party was a little different. His bouncy castle was an actual castle. And the pony rides were on Camilla.

Queen Elizabeth's horse tested positive for morphine and a mix of other powerful drugs. Sources say the queen is in denial. She thinks someone confused her horse's urine sample with Prince Harry's.

So remember, horses, when it comes to drugs, just say Neigh.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
A judge wrote an opinion today in favor of Obamacare, saying that getting healthcare from the state or federal government is the same as ordering from Pizza Hut vs. Domino's. I’m not sure I agree. THEIR websites always worked.

Today, Secretary of State John Kerry traveled to Egypt and had to pass through a metal detector before he could meet with officials. Which is ridiculous. Everyone knows he's made of wood.

Today is National Hammock Day. And just like a hammock, I can't get into it.

The 17-year-old daughter of one of the "Real Housewives of Beverly Hills" was arrested today for DUI and driving on a suspended license. She's expected to receive 12 months of probation and a spinoff.

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