Jokes of the day

3001 - 3025

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Fri, Sep 12, 2014

#3001

Late Night From 05/26/14

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
It's Memorial Day. Or as CBS calls it, "Make the immigrant go to work" day.

If I have to be here, I'm just phoning it in. In other words, just like every other night for the past decade.

On this day in 1897, Bram Stoker's "Dracula" was published. Happy birthday, Dracula! You know who else's birthday it is? Lenny Kravitz. Dracula and Lenny Kravitz are very different, of course. One's an elegantly dressed scoundrel who swoops into my dreams at night and bites me on the neck. And the other one: Dracula.

I've read Bram Stoker's "Dracula." It's a really creepy book. A tremendous sense of menace runs through it. The sense of menace in the book is like the sense of menace you get when you're alone with a house cat.

I've always loved the name "Bram Stoker." Nobody calls their kid Bram anymore. Come to think of it, nobody calls their kid Dracula anymore either. Your move, Gwyneth Paltrow.

Sat, Sep 13, 2014

#3002

Late Night From 05/27

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
It's a great day for Kim and Kanye. To them I'd like to say, "Congratulations on your wedding unless this is a rerun, in which case my condolences on your divorce."

They got married in Florence. The name Florence holds special meaning for Kim because it's the name that Bruce Jenner goes by.

Congratulations to the remarkable Jessie White. She's a woman from Maine who just graduated college, and she's 99 years old. I said she's 99, so cheer a little bit louder, everybody.

Jessie White was asked what she was going to wear to her first job interview. She said "Depends."

Sun, Sep 14, 2014

#3003

Late Night From 05/28

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
The mayor of New York has overturned the city's ban on ferrets. I didn't know you could ban ferrets. I've been going New York illegally taking my ferrets with me, I suppose. The mayor says he's trying to bring the hairy little weasels out of the shadows.

In a new documentary, Robert DeNiro reveals his father was gay. He realized it after he asked his dad what his favorite part of "New York, New York" was. And his dad went "Li-iiiiiiiza!"

Casinos in Las Vegas are now taking bets on when Kim and Kanye will divorce. I think that is outrageous. It's terrible. But if I were betting man, I'd put 20 bucks on "fall sweeps."

Guys from the band One Direction were caught on video smoking pot. Sounds like the one direction they're going is straight to Bieber-ville.

A woman in New York is suing a Manhattan salon for $1.5 million over a bad haircut. The last time I saw a disaster like that with clippers was Donald Sterling.

What's the difference between a bad haircut and a good haircut? About a week.

Mon, Sep 15, 2014

#3004

Late Night From 05/29

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
The L.A. Clippers have been sold. Yes, I also don't really care. Everyone is like, "Oh, OK."

The Clippers have been sold for $2 billion. That got your attention.

Donald Sterling paid only $12 million to buy the Clippers. This deal is very uncomfortable for the former owner because it puts him in the black.

President Obama had lunch today with Hillary Clinton. Hillary told the president, "After phoning my top advisers, I think I'll run for office." And the president said, "I know. I listened in."

A lot of people in Washington were shocked by this Obama-Hillary meeting. I'm not sure about Nancy Pelosi. She looks shocked all the time.

Tue, Sep 16, 2014

#3005

Late Night From 05/30

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
It's a great day here in Los Angeles, the City of Angels, the giant urban crap heap.

Clippers fans are celebrating their new owner, billionaire Steve Ballmer. Even though Ballmer is from Seattle, he promises to keep the Clippers in L.A. That's a relief. Otherwise L.A. wouldn't have a professional basketball team. I mean, well, I suppose there are the Lakers.

It makes sense that Ballmer would own a basketball team. He's got "Ball" in his name. That would be like Tom Cruise buying a cruise ship. Or Tiger Woods buying a zoo.

Wed, Sep 17, 2014

#3006

Late Night From 06/02
Part 1

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Justin Bieber was caught on tape making a racist joke. In Bieber's defense, the video was made when he was young and stupid.

Since word of this got out, Bieber has received a ton of criticism. And also an Instagram request from Donald Sterling. In fact, Bieber should receive the same punishment as Donald Sterling. Someone should give him $2 billion.

We're learning more about the sale of the L.A. Clippers. Insiders say it came down to a bidding war between Steve Ballmer and Oprah. I'll let you guess who Donald Sterling rooted for.

Last weekend Donald Sterling attended an African-American church. This was like seeking Mel Gibson at a Hanukkah party, like seeing Arnold Schwarzenegger at an acting class, like seeing the "Duck Dynasty" guys in a gay pride parade.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
This week it was announced that golfer Phil Mickelson is under investigation by the FBI for insider trading of Clorox stock. By the way, insider trading of Clorox stock by a professional golfer is the whitest collar crime possible.

The Clippers are gonna be bought by the former CEO of Microsoft. Apparently he's looking for something to occupy himself while Windows is installing "critical updates."

This morning President Obama announced a new 600-page proposal to lower carbon emissions and help stop global warming. Step one: Stop printing 600-page proposals.

This Sunday, Donald Sterling attended services at a traditionally black church in Los Angeles. And just today, the church was sold for $2 billion.

Thu, Sep 18, 2014

#3007

Late Night From 06/02
Part 2

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
Marijuana dispensaries in San Jose, California, will give out free weed to people who vote in tomorrow’s municipal election. Which should backfire when the winner of the election is "Pizza."

Newly leaked documents show the NSA has been collecting millions of pictures of people online for its sophisticated facial recognition program. Americans said it's a huge violation of their privacy — then they went back to posting selfies every 30 minutes.

President Obama said Hillary Clinton would be very effective if she ran for president. And Joe Biden said, "Thank you very — wait, what?"

In a new interview, President Obama revealed that his daughter Malia recently went to her first prom. She wore a corsage on her wrist while her date wore a red laser dot on his head.

Conan O'Brien
Today Apple announced a new feature that will let your iPhone monitor your diet and track your calorie intake. Or you can pay extra for an iPhone that minds its own business. Can you imagine Siri talking to you like, "Hey, Chunky."

Spain's king, Juan Carlos, has stepped down from the throne to make way for his son, who is more popular. Which, by the way, would be the worst "Game of Thrones" episode ever.

In Texas a family was attacked by a swarm of bees in a town called Beeville. That's true. The family said they're fed up with Beeville and they're moving to Wolftown.

A lot of people this weekend were talking about the hammock bear, a bear that wandered into someone's backyard and got into their hammock. It's very sweet. He's like, "what do I do now?" The bear is having a midlife crisis. "What does it all mean?"

The Late Show with David Letterman
In New York City it's now legal to own a ferret, ladies and gentlemen. I'm telling you, it's just a matter of time before ferrets are pulling carriages through Central Park.

Now Donald Sterling is backpedaling and he's trying to prove to the world that he's not a racist, so on Sunday he attended services at a black church in California. He enjoyed himself so much that he bought it.

There was some confusion when Donald Sterling arrived at the church. He couldn't find the skybox.

Fri, Sep 19, 2014

#3008

Late Night From 06/03
Part 1

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
President Obama is in Poland. He's not doing anything official. He just wants to go before Putin invades. Poland shares a border with Ukraine, which shares a border with Russia. It's kind of like living two doors down from Alec Baldwin. Eventually you're getting attacked, right?

Happy birthday to CNN's Anderson Cooper. Friends threw him a party today. There was an awkward moment when they yelled "Surprise!" and he said, "What, somebody's watching CNN?"

The man who created the drug Ecstasy died at the ripe old age of 88. See, kids? That's what drugs will do to you.

In Massachusetts, a 3-month-old German shepherd drove his owner's car into a pond. Let me be the first to say, "Bad dog!"

Jimmy Kimmel Live
Statistics for the 47 most damaging hurricanes revealed that those with female names killed twice as many people. The study found that when a hurricane has a woman’s name we take it less seriously and don't prepare as well. Either that or the female hurricanes want to hang around and cuddle afterwards.

Last week Apple bought Beats headphones for $3 billion. Guess what? They already lost it. They think they left it on the plane.

Yesterday Apple unveiled its new operating system for the Mac Yosemite. It monitors your heart rate, weight, and sleep — and if you sit on it, it can give you a colonoscopy.

A new book called "Rebels: City of Indra" from Kylie and Kendall Jenner was released today. That's right. Kylie and Kendall Jenner wrote a book, according to loose definitions of the words "wrote" and "book." Listen, I agree to keep up with the Kardashians, but my contract said nothing about having to keep tabs on the Jenners too.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
A new study shows hurricanes with female names are more fatal because people subconsciously assume that they are less dangerous. Though I’d bet people would evacuate pretty quickly for Hurricane Solange.

The NRA is accusing a Texas gun rights group of going too far after the group has posted YouTube videos of their members walking into restaurants with semi-automatic rifles. The NRA saying you’ve gone too far is like Johnny Depp telling you you’re wearing too many scarves.

Donald Sterling is now facing another lawsuit after a former aide filed for sexual harassment yesterday. Apparently, he told her she was so sexy that he wouldn’t mind if she brought black guys to Clippers games.

Yesterday French President Francois Hollande announced that he will be having two consecutive dinners on Thursday night in order to keep President Obama and Vladimir Putin separate. It’s an old trick he learned from having a wife and a mistress.

Sat, Sep 20, 2014

#3009

Late Night From 06/03
Part 2

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
Pope Francis is now telling married couples to have children, because only having pets could lead to anger or bitterness in old age. As opposed to having kids, which leads to anger AND bitterness in old age.

Last Friday CNN had its worst 10 p.m. ratings of all time, with only 35,000 viewers tuning in. I left it on for my dog, and when I came back, she was reading a newspaper.

CNN got just 35,000 viewers. Even worse, most of those views came from monitors left on in the background on CNN.

Tim Tebow said that he’s staying in shape in case he gets another opportunity to play in the NFL. Then his boss said, “That’s great, but these Waffle Tacos ain’t going to make themselves, so . . .”

Conan O'Brien
A new study just came out that shows that hurricanes named after women are more deadly. Mainly because when they leave, they take half your stuff.

Pope Francis said that married people should have more kids. When asked for comment, married people said the Pope should have a kid and then get back to us.

There's reportedly a film in the works about Edward Snowden. Then today the script was leaked by Edward Snowden.

A new report out of Chicago reveals that the crime rate plummets during an NFL game. Mainly because the most dangerous criminals are busy on the field.

The Late Show with David Letterman
Lindsey Lohan is moving to London. Before long, she'll be slurring in a British accent.

The United States has traded an American POW for five Taliban prisoners. Originally, the deal included Joe Biden, but the Taliban said no.

So these Taliban guys have been down there in Gitmo and now they're on their way home. They're flying home. How would you like to get stuck behind these guys at airport security?

I think the second term is getting to President Obama. He is saying that he wishes he could be anonymous. And I say: Hey, according to the new approval ratings, you're pretty close.

Sun, Sep 21, 2014

#3010

Late Night From 06/04
Part 1

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
There are rumors that Robert Pattinson from the "Twilight" movies may be the next Indiana Jones. If there is one thing I want with my rugged action heroes, it's a little bit of sparkle!

I think Robert Pattinson would make a great Indiana Jones. Instead of searching for the lost ark, he could go searching for a deal on moisturizer.

Instead of battling Nazis, Pattinson could battle flyaway bangs.

Today is National Cheese Day. A lot of celebrities are very excited. There's Monterey Jack Nicholson. Rush Limburger. Brie-oncé. Mozzar-Ellen DeGeneres. And Parma-Sean Connery.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
This summer marks the 75th anniversary of Little League Baseball. Or to put it in Little League terms, six innings.

This week, Tom Brady’s 18,000-square-foot L.A. mansion was sold to Dr. Dre for $40 million. Now, $40 million might sound like a lot, but remember, he’s a doctor.

Mon, Sep 22, 2014

#3011

Late Night From 06/04
Part 2

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
Tonight was Game 1 of the Stanley Cup Finals with the L.A. Kings playing the New York Rangers. California Gov. Jerry Brown said if the Rangers win he’ll give New York Gov. Andrew Cuomo a package of rice cakes. Cuomo would give Brown some chicken-wing sauce if the Kings win. That's just crap in their pantries that no one ate.

French President Francois Hollande will host two dinners tomorrow night, the first one for President Obama, followed by one for Vladimir Putin. Hollande was pretty worried about keeping them separate. Then his girlfriend and his mistress said, “You'll figure it out.”

A Republican candidate for Congress in Arizona, who is white, recently changed his name to Cesar Chavez to appeal to Latino voters. It backfired when Arizona’s governor immediately deported him.

The World Cup starts next week. A wildlife center in China says that its baby panda will correctly predict the outcome of the World Cup games. When asked what will happen, the panda said, “None of the stadiums will be ready and all the games will be canceled.”

Conan O'Brien
Last week a 13-year-old girl became the youngest female to climb Mount Everest. She didn't mean to. She was just texting her friend and the next thing she knew she was on top of Mount Everest.

The co-founder of Burt's Bees was forced out of the company for having an affair with an employee. He says everyone should mind their own beeswax.

That's right, the co-founder of Burt's Bees was forced out of the company for having an affair with an employee. In his defense, he was just trying to explain to her the story of the Burts and the bees.

You want more? Hey, the co-founder of Burt's Bees was forced out of the company for having an affair with an employee. He was caught during a sting operation.

The Late Show with David Letterman
We bring back a POW, Sgt. Bowe Bergdahl, from Afghanistan and to get him back we traded five Taliban thugs. And now everybody's gone crazy. People say it's the most controversial trade that has taken place since NBC traded me here to CBS.

These guys were down in Gitmo and now they get freed after 10 or 15 years. So now they're released and they get to fly home. And I'm thinking, if you go to the airport and you're stuck behind these guys in security, good luck.

When they sent the Taliban thugs back to Qatar, they got picked up in a stretch camel.

I hope California Chrome wins horse racing's Triple Crown this weekend. I'll tell you why. I really have trouble remembering the Double Crown winners.

Tue, Sep 23, 2014

#3012

Late Night From 06/05
Part 1

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Everyone in Los Angeles is very excited. We're celebrating last night's victory in Game 1 of the Stanley Cup finals. Everyone in Los Angeles is now pretending they watch hockey.

The game went into overtime. L.A. hockey fans were very tense. More tense than Donald Sterling at the Apollo. More tense than the countries on the edge of Russia. More tense than Bruce Jenner's face.

Donald Sterling says he won't sue the NBA for forcing him to sell the Clippers for $2 billion. Apparently he decided this after a short meeting where someone explained to him that he was getting $2 billion.

Disney announced they're making a live action "Beauty and the Beast." Of course we're all familiar with the story. An attractive woman falls for a horrible monster and then forces him to sell his NBA team for $2 billion.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
Tonight the Miami Heat and the San Antonio Spurs faced off in Game 1 of the NBA Finals. It’s the NBA’s annual contest to determine whose city will be set on fire.

A Danish firm has developed an underground beer fridge called the eCool that takes advantage of underground conditions to keep beer cold. So congratulations, I guess, for inventing the “hole.”

Scientists in Australia have rediscovered a bat species that was originally thought to be extinct for over 120 years. And thanks to the quick reflexes of one of the scientists, it’s extinct again.

Wed, Sep 24, 2014

#3013

Late Night From 06/05
Part 2

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
The NFL just released a logo for Super Bowl 50 that features the number instead of the standard Roman numeral. The Roman numeral is just "L." They say it's a "Loser."

Now that the Super Bowl 50 logo uses just the number and no Roman numeral, people in Rome are saying, "Whew. Now we know what number it stood for."

A company in Japan says it will start selling human-like robots that can babysit your children. That story again: Japan is making a robot that can turn on a TV.

The robot babysitters apparently keep your kids quiet by making them hide in fear.

Conan O'Brien
Last night the Los Angeles Kings won game one of the Stanley Cup finals in overtime. Fans in L.A. went crazy after they heard about it this morning at work.

Donald Sterling has agreed to sell the L.A. Clippers for $2 billion. Let that be a lesson to your kids. If you make a racist remark to your mistress, you will get a check for $2 billion.

When asked about criticism from Hillary Clinton, Russia's President Putin said he doesn't like to argue with women. Putin is either being a misogynist, or else ladies he's the perfect catch.

A Japanese clothing company has been criticized for labeling United States sizes skinny, fat, and jumbo. After a huge outcry they changed them to "small, medium, and American."

The Late Show with David Letterman
CBS is trading me for five Taliban prisoners.

President Obama says that the United States never leaves soldiers behind. But that's because we never leave.

This Bergdahl guy was in a Taliban prison for five years, and he's now recovering in a hospital in Germany. The reason he is in Germany is because he couldn't get into a VA hospital until 2020.

Thu, Sep 25, 2014

#3014

Late Night From 06/06

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
Last night was Game 1 of the NBA Finals between the Miami Heat and the San Antonio Spurs. The air conditioning stopped working during the game, which made it feel like 90 degrees inside. Or as football players, baseball players, tennis players, soccer players, and runners put it, “Must be rough.”

That’s right, LeBron James sat on the bench for the final four minutes of the game. And what’s crazy is his teammates still kept passing him the ball.

I can’t believe how hot it got during that game. It was so hot that even the LOSING team dumped Gatorade on its coach.

Tomorrow is the Belmont Stakes. California Chrome will try to become the first horse in 36 years to win the Triple Crown. And he's going to have to do it without air conditioning.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
It is a great day here in Los Angeles. Gay Pride Weekend starts today, and Sunday night right here on CBS is the Tony Awards. Coincidence?

The new Tom Cruise movie opens today. It's called "Edge of Tomorrow." Tom Cruise is an intergalactic warrior fighting to save our planet from aliens. I have no idea who he plays in the movie.

"Edge of Tomorrow" is about a guy who's forced to relive the same thing over and over and over again, day after day after day. I can't relate at all.

Today's a great day for Sweden. It's their "National Day." It's the day Sweden celebrates independence from Denmark. Sweden's about 400 miles from Russia. That means they've still got a few years before Putin gets to them.

Fri, Sep 26, 2014

#3015

Late Night From 06/09

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
Hillary Clinton said she wants to travel this year, and won't make any announcements about her plans to run for president until 2015. When asked where she’ll travel, she said, “New Hampshire, Iowa, and maybe spend a few months in Florida.”

President Obama faced some criticism for chewing gum during a D-Day ceremony. He said, “Sorry, but if I don't get my Nicorette, there's going to be another war on this beach.”

Last night “A Gentleman’s Guide to Love and Murder” won the Tony Award for best musical. It’s about a wealthy man who wants to eliminate all the heirs in his family so he can take over. Or as Prince Charles put it, “Go on . . .”

Actress Audra McDonald broke Angela Lansbury’s record last night when she won her sixth Tony Award. She’s got more Tonys than a beach in New Jersey.

Conan O'Brien
Scientists have developed a robot that can converse exactly like a teenager. When the scientists unveiled the robot, it screamed "I hate you" and slammed the door to its room.

The winner of the Miss USA Pageant is Miss Nevada. She has a black belt in Taekwondo. Actually, she wasn't technically the winner, but she made the winner give her the crown.

In North Carolina, an obese man was caught hiding 40 bags of heroin in the folds of his stomach. Something tells me he is not on heroin.

The Late Show with David Letterman
Hillary Clinton has a new book out on her experiences as secretary of state. Instead of a book jacket, her book is wearing a pantsuit.

Over the weekend, a Tony Award went to "The Late Show With David Letterman." The category: best waste of a Broadway theater.

There is a new study involving rats. It turns out that rats actually can understand the feeling of regret. Thank God we got to the bottom of that.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
The Los Angeles Kings are up 2-0 in the Stanley Cup Finals. Everyone in L.A. is pretending to like hockey now. They say things like, "Oh, this is so awesome. Hockey is the new kale!"

L.A. hockey fans are more excited than Donald Sterling at a white sale.

California Chrome, the prize thoroughbred, came up short in his bid for racing's Triple Crown. But don't feel bad for California Chrome. Remember, he's still got two more crowns than Prince Charles.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
In an interview with Diane Sawyer, Hillary Clinton said she would make her decision on running for president “by the end of the year.” Specifically, the year 1998.

Vladimir Putin’s personal envoy said that allowing Finland to join NATO could lead to World War III. Yes, if there’s one country that’s definitely going to start World War III, it’s Finland.

On Friday the CIA launched its official Twitter account. Which means that you could receive this terrifying email: “The CIA is now following you.”

A man in Florida was arrested after he was caught wearing the swimsuit of a woman whose house had just been burglarized. Even worse for that woman, it looked better on him.

Sat, Sep 27, 2014

#3016

Late Night From 06/10

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
President Obama’s daughter Sasha turned 13 years old today. That means that now he has two teenage girls. But thanks to Congress, he's used to people ignoring him.

Paramount is planning to re-release “Forrest Gump” this year to celebrate the movie’s 20th anniversary. So it’ll be back in theaters. Which is great because before if you wanted to see “Forrest Gump,” you had to turn on your TV at literally any time of day.

Lawmakers in Jamaica are now considering a bill that would legalize marijuana. Let me repeat myself: Lawmakers in Jamaica are considering a bill to legalize marijuana. In related news, lawmakers in Italy are considering a bill to legalize spaghetti, and lawmakers in Ireland are considering a bill to legalize whiskey.

A guy in New York is selling the world’s largest video game collection, which includes 11,000 games. He doesn’t really want to sell it, but he needs some way to pay for the divorce.

Conan O'Brien
The L.A. Kings are one game away from winning their second Stanley Cup in three years. Here's what's interesting. In other cities when the hockey team wins the championship, rowdy fans overturn cars. In Los Angeles, rowdy fans UNPLUG cars.

Donald Sterling has reversed his decision to sell the Clippers to Steve Ballmer, the former CEO of Microsoft. If Sterling gets his way, the deal will fall through and Ballmer won't be able to buy the team. When asked about it, Ballmer said, "That's OK. I'm used to things freezing and then crashing."

A Whole Foods store in New York will start offering customers cocktails while they shop. It's part of Whole Foods' new slogan, "You'd have to be drunk to pay these prices."

One of the top people in a Mexican drug cartel is a woman who apparently looks exactly like Kim Kardashian. The only difference is the head of the drug cartel has a job and is less of a threat to America.

The Late Show with David Letterman
President Obama went for a walk and went to a Starbucks. If this guy can afford coffee at Starbucks, the economy must be improving.

The president was sitting there having his coffee with his laptop open, arranging another deal for Taliban prisoners.

President Obama had a cup of his favorite coffee — the Kenyan Socialist.

You know the carriage rides you can take in New York City? One of those horses got loose, was running around Central Park, and slammed right into a cab. It's been a tough couple of days for California Chrome.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Donald Sterling is trying to back out of selling the Clippers. If that weren't enough, he's suing the NBA for $1 billion. I haven't seen a senile old man fight like this since the last "Expendables" movie.

Clippers fans are nervous. How nervous are they? They're more nervous than Scooby-Doo at Michael Vick's house. They're more nervous than the "Duck Dynasty" crew at a gay pride parade. They're more nervous than Jay-Z in an elevator with Solange. They're more nervous than Nicole Kidman during a Botox shortage.

The Canadian police are hunting for three inmates who escaped from prison in Quebec using a helicopter. How do you sneak a helicopter into prison? "Are you here to see someone? What do you got there? Is that a helicopter in your pants?"

Late Night With Seth Meyers
President Obama surprised tourists by walking to a Starbucks near the White House. Even more surprising, he traded five Taliban members for a grande soy latte.

A Connecticut woman was arrested after she sent her son to school with a grenade for his World War II-related show and tell. Though I’d say the school was asking for trouble when they planned a World War II-related show and tell.

LEGO revealed that many of its executives use customized LEGO figures that resemble themselves in lieu of business cards. Which explains why their assistants always get calls asking, “Can I speak to Mr. Yellow Head, Brown Hair?”

Sun, Sep 28, 2014

#3017

Late Night From 06/11

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
For the second day in a row, President Obama made an unscheduled trip out of the White House, this time for a burger at a nearby restaurant. Obama wants to be OUT of the White House more than Hillary wants to be IN it. Well, almost.

“Game of Thrones” author George R. R. Martin joined Twitter this week. He already has 80,000 followers — and that's just the cast of “Game of Thrones.”

Donald Sterling said he's fighting the sale of the Clippers because the NBA is a “band of hypocrites” and “despicable monsters.” He added, “And those are my kind of people. Please don't make me leave.”

Father’s Day is this weekend. And get this: The average American will spend $113 on a gift for Father’s Day. Or in other words, none of us are average Americans. I get my dad the same thing every year: a six-pack and a scratch-off ticket. And if he wins, we split it.

The Late Show with David Letterman
House Majority Leader Eric Cantor was defeated in the primary election. He spent $5 million on his primary campaign. Ladies and gentlemen, what is wrong with this country when you can no longer buy an election?

While trying to get re-elected, Eric Cantor spent $168,000 on steakhouses. Governor of New Jersey Chris Christie said, "That's all?"

It is the 20th anniversary of the O.J. Simpson arrest. That trial just went on and on. And when they announced the verdict, 300 million people were watching. Today they all remember exactly where they were when they said, "YOU'RE KIDDING!!"

Later in his life O.J. Simpson was arrested, tried, and convicted. He is in prison now for stealing sports memorabilia. Double homicide, not a problem. Stealing sports memorabilia — that'll get you in the slammer.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Kim and Kanye are on their honeymoon. It's going to last until this weekend. Not their honeymoon. Their marriage.

Kim and Kanye are honeymooning in Mexico. Republicans and Democrats agree that if there's ever a time to seal the border, this is it.

I have an idea. While Kim and Kanye are out of the country, we should all hide. Then they'll come back and say, "Hey, look at us" — and then they'll say, "Hey, there is nobody here" — and then maybe they'll go to another country. Hey, it's just a thought.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
The campaign manager who helped unseat House Majority Leader Eric Cantor last night is a 23-year-old man who interviewed for a job at Panera Bread last month. Said Cantor, “Is that position still available?”

Hillary Clinton said she may not run for president because she loves having time to hang out with her friends. Thankfully, most of her friends live in Iowa, New Hampshire, Ohio, Florida, and the great state of Pennsylvania.

A new study shows that red wine can boost short-term memory. Three or four glasses, and you’re guaranteed to remember your ex’s phone number.

Mon, Sep 29, 2014

#3018

Late Night From 06/12

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
House Majority Leader Eric Cantor lost Virginia's Republican primary to a tea party candidate. And get this. It was revealed that Cantor’s campaign actually spent more money at steakhouses than his opponent spent on his entire campaign. Or as one of my guests tonight put it, “So? What’s wrong with that?” Hey, I’m talking about Chris Rock, not Chris Christie.

The New York Rangers beat the L.A. Kings in Game 4 last night to stay alive in the Stanley Cup Finals. So they now trail 3 games to 1. Or as they say in hockey, they're hanging on by the skin of their tooth.

Today was the start of the World Cup. It's that special time of the year when Americans in bars shrug, “Well, I guess we're watching this now.”

Father’s Day is just a few days away. And in a new interview President Obama said that he is a fun dad who teeters on the edge of embarrassing his kids. Because nothing says you're a fun dad like SAYING you're a fun dad.

Conan O'Brien
Since House Majority Leader Eric Cantor lost to an anti-immigration candidate, many Republicans are feeling pressure to take a harder stance on immigration. In fact, the Republicans are so paranoid, today Chris Christie sent back his chimichanga.

George H.W. Bush turned 90 today and he celebrated by jumping out of a plane. Isn't that cool? So if you include Obama there were two presidents in freefall today.

Hey, America's in the World Cup. Did you even know that? Experts say they have less than a 1 percent chance of winning the World Cup, and even their coach said winning is not realistic — all of which sounds like one hell of a pre-game pep talk.

According to a new study, the number of car crashes linked to marijuana has risen. Fortunately, when the cars crashed they were all going eight miles per hour.

The Late Show with David Letterman
Barbara Walters retired last week and now she's come back out of retirement. Isn't that crazy? She's going to play one more season for the Jets.

The world's oldest man lived to 111. He passed away. Boy, I didn't see that coming.

You know who's on the show tonight? Regis Philbin. This guy is difficult to book. We had to trade five Taliban prisoners to get Regis.

You know who is in trouble? Radio Shack. But I love going into Radio Shack. And the reason I go there is to ask directions to Best Buy.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
The World Cup started today. People in Los Angeles are torn. They are not sure if they should be pretending to care about soccer or hockey.

The U.S. is scheduled to play Germany soon at the World Cup. President Obama and German Chancellor Angela Merkel already have a bet going. The loser keeps Hasselhoff.

The Russians will probably do well at the World Cup. Today Vladimir Putin gave the Russian team a motivational speech. He said, "Remember, if you can't beat 'em — invade 'em."

The World Cup is not the only thing on TV. Nearly 5 million people watched the season premiere of "Duck Dynasty" last night. On last night's show, the governor of Louisiana gave the cast an award. I'm not sure which award. I'm guessing it's not a Tony.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
Today is the start of the World Cup in Brazil. I know you guys know that. I'm telling Brazil. "Hurry up. Finish the stadium!"

The World Cup starts today, which means you're all about to find out which of your friends lived in Europe for a year.

Scientists have created a mutant version of the deadly 1918 Spanish flu virus in an effort to better understand how pandemics start. I'm not a scientist, but this is how pandemics start.

A man in Virginia Beach has started protesting road conditions while dressed as Spider-Man on his days off. Something tells me he has a lot of days off.

Tue, Sep 30, 2014

#3019

Late Night From 06/13

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
The World Cup action is going crazy. Mexico won the match against Cameroon. Thousands of Mexicans are dancing and going crazy in the Mexican city of Los Angeles.

I was surprised how many Cameroon fans there are in Hollywood. There are big names like Cameroon Diaz and James Cameroon.

It's Friday the 13th and it's a full moon. There won't be another full moon on Friday the 13th until the year 2049. By then it'll be a national holiday, declared by President Honey Boo Boo.

A full moon on Friday the 13th is very rare, indeed. It's a combination of things you don't see often, like the Bravo network and straight dudes. Like the L.A. Lakers and winning. Like the Pope and a small hat. Like supermodels and food.

People are saying that the Kardashians think Khloe's new boyfriend doesn't love her. They think he's simply using her to be famous or as they put it, "Welcome to the family."

Wed, Oct 01, 2014

#3020

Late Night From 06/16
Part 1

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Some Northern California counties want to form a separate state. They smoke a lot of weed up there. What would you call a state based on marijuana? Toke-lahoma. Flori-duh. How about Spliffs-consin? Dela-weed. New Hemp-shire.

"22 Jump Street" is a new buddy cop movie. That's been a Hollywood staple for years. They've given us pairings like Nick Nolte and Eddie Murphy, Jackie Chan and Chris Tucker, Mel Gibson and the voices in his head.

"22 Jump Street" stars Channing Tatum. I love Channing Tatum. And he's got range. Even his name Channing Tatum could be anything from an action star to a servant on "Downton Abbey."

"Star Trek" is a successful film franchise. It's easy to forget it started as a TV show — unless you're like me and you know William Shatner. Then you never forget because he always reminds you.

Jimmy Kimmel Live
Tonight we're joined by the newly crowned Stanley Cup champion Los Angeles Kings. And they brought the Stanley Cup with them. You know, it's easy to forget that these tough, gritty, heavily bearded guys are playing for what is essentially an oversized piece of dinnerware.

Last night the San Antonio Spurs really pounded the Miami Heat in Game 5 of the finals. They are now the NBA champions. Miami was so far behind in the fourth quarter, they tried to pull their goalie, but then they realized they don't have goalies so they gave up.

Americans spend more than $1 billion each year on Father's Day gifts, which sounds like a lot, but it's only about 10 bucks a dad. Thanks for nothing. I'm a father. To be perfectly honest with you, I'm a little bit upset.

My kids once gave me a mug declaring me "World's Greatest Dad." Then yesterday I saw some other guy with a mug that said "World's Greatest Dad" on it. I was duped.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
Congratulations to the San Antonio Spurs. The Spurs are NBA champions after defeating the defending champion Miami Heat in five games. The Spurs celebrated today by treating themselves to an extra-long practice.

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West this week turned down $11 million for the rights to publish their wedding pictures. Which can only mean one thing: Someone offered them $12 million.

A new study shows that men who carry their cellphone in their pocket have a sperm count nearly 10 percent lower than those who don’t. While men who keep their cellphone on a belt clip don’t need to worry about it.

Over the weekend Starbucks announced a new program that will pay employees to take online classes at Arizona State. Said Starbucks employees, “We already went there. That’s why we work at Starbucks.”

Thu, Oct 02, 2014

#3021

Late Night From 06/16
Part 2

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
Last night the San Antonio Spurs beat the world champion Miami Heat to win the NBA title. You could tell the Heat players didn’t have their heads in the game, especially when some of them left to catch the season finale of “Game of Thrones.”

LeBron James had 31 points, 10 rebounds, and five assists in the Heat's loss to the Spurs. While his teammates had, uh, a lot of fun out there.

President Obama just had his annual physical, which showed that he’s suffering some pain in his right foot. When asked why he doesn’t get it treated, Obama said bitterly, “It’s not covered by Obamacare.”

Alex Trebek has broken a world record for game-show hosts, after hosting 6,829 shows in his career. When asked how he's made it through so many shows, Trebek said, “What is Scotch?”

Conan O'Brien
Last night 7 million people watched the "Game of Thrones" season finale. Seven million people. That's one viewer for each "Game of Thrones" character.

The World Cup is underway. A lot of World Cup soccer players have been faking injuries to draw a penalty from the other team. Meanwhile, a lot of Americans have been faking following the World Cup.

Pope Francis has pledged to remain neutral during the World Cup. When asked why, the Pope said, "I picked the Miami Heat and look how that turned out."

The Late Show with David Letterman
I had the best Father's Day I've ever had. It was my 10th Father's Day, and my wife and my son were so sweet on Sunday morning. Rather than rushing in and waking me up, they were kind enough to just let me sleep it off.

Over the weekend, President Obama got his annual presidential physical. His cholesterol is up and his approval rating is down.

Obama wants to lower his cholesterol, but Congress is blocking him.

The doctor said Obama passed his physical. That's the first thing he's passed in the second term.

Fri, Oct 03, 2014

#3022

Late Night From 06/17

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
Congrats to the U.S. soccer team for beating Ghana in the opening round of the World Cup. Yeah, they did the impossible — getting Americans to watch soccer.

In a new interview, Hillary Clinton said the Bible is the most influential book she's ever read. Some people think she might be pandering to Southern Christian voters. Then Hillary said, "Oh come on y'all — little ol' me?"

Google introduced a new smartphone alarm that can wake users up on the subway so they don't miss their stop. As opposed to the alarm they use now: getting elbowed by the stranger they're drooling on.

A woman in Massachusetts recently had twin boys who were born 24 days apart. It got weird when the second baby was born. The second twin said, “I guess I should have downloaded that alarm that wakes me up when it's my stop.”

Conan O'Brien
Today at the World Cup, Mexico and Brazil ended in a 0-0 tie. Fun fact: Both teams were ordered by their coaches to abstain from sex. In other words, these guys can't score on or off the field.

Protesters at the World Cup got into trouble for burning American flags. It's a shame because children in China worked very hard to make those flags.

Yesterday, the Iranian president tweeted a picture of himself all alone watching a World Cup game on television. Yeah, then he watched his favorite show — "It's Always Sunni in Philadelphia."

This morning the Pentagon announced that the United States has captured a leader responsible for the Benghazi attacks. Republicans were ecstatic and said, "So, they finally got Hillary?"

The Late Show with David Letterman
President Obama is sending a couple hundred troops to Iraq. We spent six years trying to figure a way to get out of Iraq. And now we're back. But this time there is an exit strategy. Barack Obama has an exit strategy. In 2016, he's gone.

Now, the way I hear it the Iraqi army had some trouble with the insurgents and they just dropped their guns, took off their uniforms, and went home — just like the Miami Heat.

Soccer is one of those things that the rest of the world cares more about than we do — you know, like healthcare, education, gun control.

If you love soccer, you have to wait four years for a World Cup. It's like making an appointment with a VA doctor.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
It's Icelandic Independence Day. Happy Independence Day, Iceland, or as it will be known in 50 years — Waterland.

Iceland was named after an explorer who first discovered it: Vanilla Ice.

Actually, Iceland was settled by Vikings, those adorable people from "How to Train Your Dragon 2," now playing at a theater near you. It’s America's favorite family movie of the summer.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
A 10-year-old boy in New York set a new world record for his age group after running a mile in 5 minutes and 1 second. He was able to set the record after he accidentally made eye contact with a girl.

A new report shows that Brooklyn is now one of the country’s most popular baby names. Still the least popular baby name: “Staten Island.”

A Colorado man unsuccessfully tried to break into a University of Colorado ATM by spraying it with acid and waiting for it to eat the protective covering away. He was caught when authorities examined the three hours of security footage of his face.

Sat, Oct 04, 2014

#3023

Late Night From 06/18
Part 1

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Kourtney Kardashian is reportedly pregnant. Just this morning I was thinking to myself, "There just aren't enough Kardashians."

Kourtney's family was surprised when they heard the news. Bruce Jenner looked shocked. He has looked shocked for a couple of years now, hasn't he?

Jimmy Kimmel Live
HBO will offer a language course to teach "Game of Thrones" fans to speak the fictional language spoken on the show. I love that we can't be bothered to speak Spanish, but we'll pay to learn a language spoken only on HBO.

Starbucks has teamed up with Arizona State University to create a program that will pay for Starbucks employees to get a college degree. Starbucks is doing this because without an educated workforce, nobody will be able to afford $10 for a cup of coffee.

Clippers owner Donald Sterling is getting some much-needed R & R. That's racism and relaxation.

Donald Sterling has been spotted with four women over the past few days. He does pretty well with the ladies for a guy whose face looks like a roasted catcher's mitt.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
Over the weekend Afghanistan held its presidential election run-off. The way it works is everyone runs off, and whoever's slowest has to be president of Afghanistan.

A bill has been introduced that would reduce the speed limit in New York City to 25 miles per hour, while cab drivers are just being asked to keep all four wheels on the ground.

According to a new report, Yahoo! has more diversity in its staff than Google. Meanwhile, Bing is still just the one guy.

A messaging app that is capable of sending and receiving only the word "Yo" raised $1 million from investors. It's too bad they couldn't see the whole message, which was, "Yo, this is a bad investment."

Sun, Oct 05, 2014

#3024

Late Night From 06/18
Part 2

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
Last night Hillary Clinton said she won't support legalizing recreational marijuana until we see how it goes in Colorado. Officials in Colorado couldn't respond because they were too busy swimming in a pool of money.

Scientists in North Carolina say they are developing a new peanut that is safe for people with peanut allergies. All you have to do is never mix up your safe peanut with your identical-looking deadly peanut.

A new survey found that 27 percent of airline passengers don't like making small talk with the person sitting next to them. While the other 73 percent of airline passengers can't take a hint.

A couple in New York found a python inside a couch while they were cleaning out their new apartment. But on the bright side, at least now they can stop looking for their cat.

Conan O'Brien
President Obama's approval rating in the U.S. is at its lowest point ever, 41 percent. After hearing this, the president said, "When did I become less popular in this country than soccer? How did that happen?"

The U.S. vs. Ghana World Cup game drew a record 15.9 million American viewers. This breaks the old record of Americans watching soccer by 15.8 million viewers.

Amazon introduced its own smartphone. You can tell it's from Amazon because after you hang up with someone, Amazon suggests other people you might want to call.

Match.com is charging $5,000 to set you up with someone who looks like your ex. You wouldn't believe how many guys on Match.com once dated Kate Upton.

The Late Show with David Letterman
It's hot outside. It's 88 with no end in sight. Kind of like Barbara Walters.

Crack-smoking mayor of Toronto Rob Ford is returning to Canada. He's been in the United States in rehab. He's going back to Canada. He traded himself for five Taliban prisoners.

Rob Ford is running for re-election. He's got a very catchy campaign slogan. You'll see it on bumper stickers all over Canada: "The crack stops here."

President Obama is sending troops back to Iraq. He said, "Don't worry, we should not be there any longer than a Kardashian marriage."

Mon, Oct 06, 2014

#3025

Late Night From 06/19
Part 1

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
The Critics Choice Awards are on tonight on the CW network. This year the CW network received zero nominations and yet they are showing the award ceremony. It's a bit awkward. It's like having the NBA championships at Kobe Bryant's house.

Happy birthday to my favorite government agency, the FCC. They are 80 years old today. And they behave like every other 80-year-old.

Happy bleeping birthday to the FCC!

Happy birthday also to Paula Abdul of "American Idol" fame. Paula Abdul and the FCC are very different, of course. One's a TV judge known for wacky decisions and sometimes not making any sense at all. And the other one is Paula Abdul.

Jimmy Kimmel Live
You know how they say if you see only one movie this summer or read only one book this summer? That's what I'm going to do. I'm going to see one movie, read one book. Why push myself?

From the San Antonio Spurs, Tony Parker is here. Tony helped the Spurs win the NBA championship on Sunday and he's here tonight to brag about it.

Kim Kardashian is getting her own video game. If you're just sitting on your couch doing nothing all day, aren't you already playing the Kim Kardashian game?

Mattel introduced a new Barbie Doll called Entrepreneur Barbie. Barbie is ready to strike out on her own to achieve her career dreams. It's about time. She's like 80 years old. Entrepreneur is the job your cousin who sells weed claims to have at Thanksgiving dinner.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
The Smithsonian unveiled a 3-D printed sculpture of President Obama that is detailed enough to see his pores and wrinkles. The sculpture is so realistic that Joe Biden won’t leave it alone.

A Canadian woman was arrested for having an open container of liquor while driving Toronto Mayor Rob Ford’s SUV. Although when Rob Ford’s in the car, anyone not smoking crack is legally considered a designated driver.

A Virginia woman on Tuesday graduated high school at the age of 111. She’s the first person to graduate high school and have her whole life behind her.

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