Jokes of the day

2976 - 3000

Newest

Mon, Aug 18, 2014

#2976

Late Night From 04/29
Part 2

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
L.A. Clippers owner Donald Sterling was recorded on tape making racist comments. He now has been banned from the league for life. Great, just where Sterling wanted to end up — the blacklist.

On the bright side, at least Sterling still has a wife and girlfriend to lean on.

Paula Deen is continuing her comeback by launching a 20-city cooking tour. Her first gig: catering Donald Sterling's farewell party.

Producers are currently working on a remake of the classic 1959 Charlton Heston film “Ben-Hur.” They're calling the remake “Ben-Hur, Done That.”

Conan O'Brien
The NBA has banned Donald Sterling for life for his racist comments. If Sterling has a problem with black people, maybe he should think about owning a hockey team.

Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban said he doesn't think Donald Sterling should be kicked out of the league for comments made in private conversation. After hearing this Sterling said, "Wow, this is the first time I've liked a Cuban."

NBA players had threatened to boycott if Donald Sterling wasn't banned for life. In fact, the Lakers are so upset they decided not to play for the rest of the season.

Jamaica is reportedly close to passing a measure that would legalize marijuana. Yeah, in Jamaica. Political analysts are calling it a bold move that could change nothing.

The Late Show with David Letterman
In the middle of his second term, President Obama's approval rating once again has dropped. Obama's approval rating is so low that today Hillary Clinton said, "I'll take it from here."

Once again, this show has been honored with a Tony Award nomination. The category: Biggest waste of a Broadway theater.

George Clooney is getting married. You know how they found out that he's getting engaged? Somebody spotted him at Kay Jewelers.

Tue, Aug 19, 2014

#2977

Late Night From 05/01
Part 1

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Toronto Mayor Rob Ford checked himself into rehab. I didn't see that coming.

A sober mayor of Toronto? I'm getting out of late night just in time.

The Daytime Emmy Awards were announced — a record 24 nominations for the soap opera "The Young and the Restless." Or was it their evil twin? They probably don't know because their evil twin has amnesia.

We've got a huge drought here in California. It's so dry and windy here in L.A. that firefighters are already hosing down David Hasselhoff's chest hair.

Jimmy Kimmel Live
Toronto Mayor Rob Ford announced he's taking a leave of absence to deal with issues related to substance abuse. A video was reportedly shot by his drug dealer. The guy is constantly being taped but never seems to notice the cameras. Is that a side effect of crack?

NBA Commissioner Adam Silver banned Donald Sterling for life and urged NBA owners to force him to sell the team, which they need three quarters of the vote to do. So far there's been no statement from Sterling, who is believed to be holed up in his fortress of whiteitude.

I hope the rehab works. I talk about Rob Ford so much, I almost feel like he works here.

"The Amazing Spiderman 2" opened tonight. They say it's the best since the last "Amazing Spiderman 2."

Late Night With Seth Meyers
Toronto Mayor Rob Ford’s lawyers said that he will take a leave of absence to seek help for substance abuse. Though they didn’t say whether the substance in question was crack or gravy.

The Royal Court of Saudi Arabia has launched a website that will accept complaints against the government and send them directly to the king. You can even submit a second complaint if you want — using your remaining hand.

This year the Colorado symphony will host a bring-your-own-marijuana concert series, called “Classically Cannabis.” Or if you don’t like classical music, you can attend the bring-your-own-marijuana concert called “any other concert.”

Wed, Aug 20, 2014

#2978

Late Night From 05/01
Part 2

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
Los Angeles Clippers owner Donald Sterling's wife, Rochelle, is being accused of making racist remarks during an incident back in 2009. Sterling should break up with his girlfriend and go out with his wife. They're perfect for each other.

Donald Sterling's girlfriend said she's “going to be president of the United States” one day. Yeah, like we’re going to elect someone who secretly records people’s private phone calls and conversations.

Toronto Mayor Rob Ford announced today that he is checking into rehab. He said he entered rehab this week to deal with the problem swiftly — and also because Monday is Cinco de Mayo, and he ain’t missing that.

Heisman Trophy-winner Jameis Winston is in the news after he shoplifted $32 worth of crab legs from a Florida grocery store. Experts say if he doesn’t clean up his act and stop breaking the law, he could end up in the NFL.

Conan O'Brien
Toronto mayor Rob Ford has decided to take a leave of absence to seek help. Specifically what he's seeking help with is getting more crack.

After rumors surfaced of another video of him smoking crack, Rob Ford said he's taking a leave of absence, and of course he's earned it. The guy's been up since 2004.

Ronald McDonald recently received a makeover, which includes a new vest and bow tie. Not to be outdone, after an operation the Burger King is now the Burger Queen.

The Late Show with David Letterman
Toronto Mayor Rob Ford is apparently back smoking the crack. There is a picture of him smoking the crack and a videotape is out as well. Is there a videotape out there of him not smoking crack?

The crack dealer videotaped him smoking crack. It is a sad state of affairs, ladies and gentlemen, when you can't trust your drug dealer.

A show business insider told us that the Los Angeles Clippers are up for sale and will be purchased by Oprah Winfrey. The new team physician will be Dr. Phil.

The Clippers will be the only team in the league with a book club.

Thu, Aug 21, 2014

#2979

Late Night From 05/02

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
For the first time in NBA Playoff history, tomorrow there will be three Game 7’s on the same day. Very exciting. And in even better news, Donald Sterling can't go to ANY of them!

Tomorrow night, reporters and celebrities will attend the White House Correspondents Dinner.” Of course, it'll be awkward when the reporters from CNN just spend all night trying to find their table.

After taking a leave of absence, Toronto Mayor Rob Ford is apparently going to rehab in Chicago. That's right, he’s headed to the Second City. As in, "the second city where he'll be caught with crack."

Lawmakers in Illinois have started a new push to legalize recreational marijuana in the state. Rob Ford said, “Looks like I got here just in time!”

The Late Show with David Letterman
The new "Spider-Man" movie opened this weekend. You know, whenever there is mortal danger, what you want is a teenager in spandex.

Nice day today. It was such a beautiful, bright, spring day that Toronto Mayor Rob Ford came out of rehab squinting.

Now Rob Ford is going to rehab. He didn't necessarily want to go to rehab but he has to go to rehab because he promised he would go to rehab. It's like a George Clooney engagement.

George Clooney bought a beautiful diamond engagement ring. Over three years the ring slowly dissolves, at which point the bride knows she should leave George to make room for his next relationship.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
An old tour bus used by Willie Nelson is for sale on eBay for $36,000. That makes sense — 6 grand for the bus, 30 grand for whatever you find in the seat cushions.

The political scene in Washington one of few places I've seen that's more grasping and desperate than show business. Hollywood and politics are very different, of course. One puts out big-budget crap filled with explosions. And the other one is Hollywood.

The white house correspondents dinner is strange. The E! channel actually live-streams the red carpet. "Oooh, I hope the secretary of agriculture, Tom Vilsack, is wearing Valentino."

Fri, Aug 22, 2014

#2980

Late Night From 05/05
Part 1

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
It's Cinco de Mayo. Today Clippers owner Donald Sterling said his girlfriend could take a photo with one Mexican.

Cinco de Mayo celebrates the Mexican army's defeat of the French, which may not sound like much today. Celebrating a victory over today's French army would be like celebrating a victory over the Lakers.

Back in 1862, the French army was tough. They'd say, "We will hit you with a baguette and frighten you with smelly cheese."

Jimmy Kimmel Live
Happy Cinco de Mayo. A lot of Americans think it is Mexican Independence Day. It isn't. Cinco de Mayo commemorates Mexico's unlikely victory over the French army in 1862. Not to rain on anyone's fiesta, but just how unlikely is a victory over the French army?

While Cinco de Mayo is kind of a big deal here in the United States, in Mexico it's not. What would be the American equivalent to Cinco de Mayo in Mexico? Would it be maybe Flag Day?

That is what's great about this country. We will celebrate the beauty of any culture as long as it allows us to drink in the daytime.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
Today is Cinco de Mayo, which commemorates the day that French armies were defeated at the Battle of Puebla by drunk blond girls in sombreros.

Adele posted a cryptic tweet today that hints about a possible album release in the coming months. In anticipation of the album, women everywhere have already started crying.

The album is good news for Adele fans, bad news for her boyfriend.

Saturday was World Naked Gardening Day. Well, at least according to a man being dragged away in handcuffs.

Sat, Aug 23, 2014

#2981

Late Night From 05/05
Part 2

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
It's Cinco de Mayo. A lot of people mistakenly think this is Mexico's Independence Day. So remember to correct people if you want to be the most annoying guy at happy hour.

This weekend was the White House Correspondents Dinner. President Obama made fun of his low poll numbers, the botched Obamacare rollout, and Governor Chris Christie — while I was on the phone with Putin, negotiating a cease-fire in Ukraine.

On Saturday, Chris Christie tweeted that he had a colonoscopy just hours before he went to the White House Correspondents Dinner. Yeah, that’s what you want to see at a dinner — Chris Christie after he wasn’t able to eat for 24 hours.

A new study found that a growing number of dog owners are giving their pets anti-anxiety medication as a way to calm them down and reduce unwanted stress in their lives. Then dogs said, “Or, you could just sell the vacuum cleaner.”

Conan O'Brien
This weekend "Spider-Man 2" earned $22 million at the box office. That makes it the fourth most successful "Spider-Man 2." I swear to God they've made 11 of them.

Vladimir Putin has signed a new law banning the F-word from movies. Now the Russian version of "Wolf of Wall Street" is eight seconds long. You sit down and it's over.

Michelle Obama's brother has been fired as the basketball coach at Oregon State. Like most Americans who lost their job, he blames Obama.

The Supreme Court has ruled that city council meetings may open with a prayer. Especially if the city in question is Detroit.

The Late Show with David Letterman
Happy Cinco de Mayo. Earlier today Joe Biden pardoned a burrito.

Peyton Manning is here tonight from the Denver Broncos. Last weekend at the Vatican, Eli and Peyton Manning were canonized.

They've named a street after Yankees great Mariano Rivera in the Bronx. I'm retiring next year and I just heard from the mayor that they're naming a pothole after me.

Sun, Aug 24, 2014

#2982

Late Night From 05/06
Part 1

The Late Show with David Letterman
There's a guy on the Upper West Side in New York City who’s now the oldest man in the world. He is 111 years old. How about that? His medical expenses are fully covered by Coolidge Care.

The United States used to make all the steel for the world. But here's what we do now. In Chicago, a restaurant came up with something called a wonut: a combination waffle and donut. That's what we make. They've been working on it at the University of Chicago for years.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
Today is National Tourist Appreciation Day. And speaking for all New Yorkers, I’d just like to say, we would appreciate it if you would get the hell out of the way.

Medical officials across the nation are reporting that more baristas are complaining about wrist-related injuries they get from making drinks. So much for the tough-guy image of baristas.

The 2015 US Open for Bowling has been canceled due to a lack of interest from sponsors. And spectators. And bowlers.

A new survey in Britain shows that one out of six people would have sex with a robot. While five out of six people don’t like how you’re looking at that Roomba.

Mon, Aug 25, 2014

#2983

Late Night From 05/06
Part 2

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
The White House released a massive report on the effects of climate change called the National Climate Assessment. Which beats its original title: “It’s Gettin’ Hot in Here.” Although the report might have more impact if they didn't release it RIGHT when the weather got nice.

Our friend Danica McKellar was sent home from “Dancing With the Stars” last night after having to dance with a broken rib, while I banged my knee on a table this morning and asked NBC if we could do a rerun.

The Supreme Court upheld a decision that allows town hall meetings to open with a prayer. But it probably won’t be answered because when God heard it was a town hall meeting, even HE went to sleep. “I think we need another Meineke in our town! I drive by and there’s cars on all four lifts.”

Conan O'Brien
A new report came out that calls Venezuela the most miserable country on earth. After hearing this, Kim Jung Un said, “What do I have to do? What do you want from me?”

A new airline will have a three-room suite and a private butler. This airline is called Not Southwest.

There's a new trend of people calling “Find My iPhone” to confront thieves who have stolen their iPhone. They use the app “Find My iPhone” to find the thief. And this explains the app called “Find My Stupid Friend Who Went After the Criminal Who Stole My iPhone.” Way to get murdered.

A Florida man went to court for the right to marry his laptop computer. He wants to marry his laptop. He said it’s just like a wife because whenever he brings it into bed, it freezes.

Tue, Aug 26, 2014

#2984

Late Night From 05/07

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
Here’s an update on our pal, Toronto Mayor Rob Ford. In a new interview, Ford said that he’s enjoying rehab because it reminds him of the football camp he went to as a kid. Then the counselors said, "Actually, this IS a football camp. You wandered in here last night at 3 a.m." Please leave.”

Yeah, Rob Ford said he likes rehab because it reminds him of the football camp he went to as a kid. Then his parents were like, "Uh ... that was also rehab."

Here’s a crazy story. A woman was detained this week after she joined the mile-high club on a Virgin Air flight from London to Las Vegas. But the guy she was in there with was NOT detained on the flight. How typical. The guy gets off, but not the girl.

Conan O'Brien
Toronto Mayor Rob Ford is in rehab, and he said it is amazing. Ford said, “I love it so much, I'm going to do this every year.”

In a biography Michael Jordan said that as a kid, he saw so much racism that he began to hate, quote, “all white people.” Jordan said he only started to feel compassion for white people after watching them play basketball.

A new report just came out. It found that more 19-year-old women are having sex but fewer of them are getting pregnant, which explains why today George Clooney broke off his engagement. He read that and said, “I got to get back out there!”

The stock price for whole foods has plummeted nearly 20 percent. Yeah, that’s a drop of $9, or the price of one grape at Whole Foods. It's $9 a grape now.

The Late Show with David Letterman
Guess who’s back? Monica Lewinsky. She did an interview in the upcoming Vanity Fair. This is big news … in 1998. If you are happy that Monica Lewinsky is back in the news that means you're probably an aging writer because it was the golden age of comedy, ladies and gentlemen.

The legacy, the legend, the Yankees’ Mariano Rivera, the greatest closer in all of baseball, has retired, and they named a street after him. Got a call today from New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio. Since I announced my retirement they’ve named a dumpster on Ninth Avenue after me. So go on by!

Late Night With Seth Meyers
The Los Angeles District Attorney is now investigating Donald Sterling’s mistress after she allegedly threatened to release more audio recordings in order to blackmail him. Sterling is very upset because he prefers to be whitemailed.

Richard Branson has announced plans to develop a new type of plane that could fly from New York to Tokyo in one hour. Apparently the engines are powered by human screams.

This week, Pittsburgh window cleaners dressed up like superheroes in order to cheer up patients at a children’s hospital — although it backfired because the kids were bummed out to learn that Batman spends his days cleaning windows.

Yesterday, a 6-foot-8 Brazilian woman married her longtime boyfriend, who’s 5-foot-4. The couple met at a park after the woman noticed her shoe was untied.

Ontario nutrition company CEN Biotech has announced plans to build the world’s largest and most efficient marijuana factory. Though I’d bet there isn’t a ton of competition for “most efficient marijuana factory.”

Wed, Aug 27, 2014

#2985

Late Night From 05/08

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
Today was the start of the NFL draft, right across the street at Radio City Music Hall, and 32 players were drafted in the first round. Well, actually, 31 — the Jets got confused and took one of the Rockettes.

It’s rumored that Katie Couric might return to the “Today” show for a few months to fill in for Savannah Guthrie when she goes on maternity leave. "Because where else could you find another co-host?" said Al, Natalie, Lester, Tamron, Willie, Carson, Dylan, Kathie Lee, and Hoda.

A new report shows that President Obama has visited 45 states during his time in office. When he heard that, Biden said, “Wow, he's been to ALL of 'em?"

A town in Texas just announced a controversial plan to recycle toilet water and use it for drinking water. Dogs said, “How are you only thinking of this now?”

Conan O'Brien
A new report says that global warming could cause Boston to end up completely underwater. Bostonians say, “We’re OK with that as long as it happens when the Yankees are in town.” They hate them that much.

A guy got a tattoo on his leg of the KFC Double Down sandwich. He wanted to do something he would regret even more than eating a KFC Double Down sandwich.

Kim Kardashian announced that she and Kanye are not yet married because they're working on their prenup. Apparently both sides are fighting over whether the marriage should last three months or four months.

The title for the new “Star Wars” movie is "Star Wars, Episode 7, The Ancient Fear." But that is not definite. Producers are still considering other titles, including “Episode 7, He Gets His Groove Back,” “Episode 7, 12 Years of Droid,” “Episode 7, Return of the Expensive Collectible Action Figure,” and “Episode 7, The Hangover, Part 4.”

Jimmy Kimmel Live
They held the first round of the NFL draft at Radio City Music Hall in New York. The NFL draft is the annual event that determines which quarterback will become the next celebrity spokesman for Papa John’s.

At 11:39, a magnitude 3.3 earthquake hit 10 miles outside of downtown LA. A 3.3 quake, to put it in LA terms, is somewhere between Mila Kunic tripping and Lindsay Lohan crashing on your front porch.

What must it be like to work at a rehab facility and you see Toronto Mayor Rob Ford walk through the door? I can imagine: red lights start flashing, a siren goes off, someone yells, "This is what we have been training for, people! Let's go!"

Mayor Ford told a reporter he is paying $100,000 for treatment. The reason we know this is because the mayor has been talking to the Toronto Sun. He told the reporter he got in trouble for talking to the press, so he did an interview on Wednesday to tell the reporter he was not supposed to have done an interview on Tuesday.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
For the second time in three days, the White House has gone into lockdown after someone threw an object over the fence. Finally today, President Obama took away Joe Biden’s Frisbee.

An Icelandic chef has created several patés and desserts made of fly larvae. So if you were looking for a reason to go to Iceland, keep looking.

Sony has invented a new kind of cassette tape that could store 47 million songs. They estimate that they’ll be ready to demonstrate the new cassette for the public sometime in the year 2267 when it finishes rewinding.

Target and Doritos have paired up to market the Walking Taco, which is where you pour ground beef and cheese into a bag of crushed Doritos before eating it out of the bag. The Walking Taco was created when a man was taking out the garbage and thought, "Hey, I could eat this."

Thu, Aug 28, 2014

#2986

Late Night From 05/12
Part 1

The Late Show with David Letterman
How about this weather, ladies and gentlemen. It's 81 and cloudy, just like Donald Sterling.

I think you all know this by now. Donald Sterling is the NBA's first openly bigoted owner.

Donald Sterling did an interview with Anderson Cooper of CNN. The interview was conducted at Sterling's sprawling Triple-K ranch.

They are reopening the Washington monument. The thing has been shut down for the last two years — like the Obama administration.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
It's a great day for Michael Sam, the first openly gay player drafted by the NFL. But the struggle isn't over. We still face other challenges. We still have to get a straight guy a job on Broadway. That has to happen next.

It was so hot that Clippers owner Donald Sterling went to a Magic Johnson theater for the air conditioning.

It was so hot that David Hasselhoff ate a fudgesicle off the floor.

Piers Morgan and Larry King have been getting into a nasty war of words. They are fighting with each other. It's the first time Larry's taken shots at the British since the Revolutionary War.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
During his visit to the White House, the President of Uruguay lectured President Obama about the dangers of smoking. Then, when Obama said “Oh, I quit,” Hillary Clinton ran past him into the Oval Office.

The Chicago Cubs recorded their 10,000th loss over the weekend. And that’s just this season.

A recently discovered Norman Rockwell painting is expected to sell for more than $2 million at auction later this month. The painting is so valuable because it’s a rare self-portrait of Rockwell burning the American flag while kicking a dog.

Fri, Aug 29, 2014

#2987

Late Night From 05/12
Part 2

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
The St. Louis Rams made history on Saturday by drafting Michael Sam, making him the first openly gay player in the NFL. Yep, an NFL player who’s never been with a woman — or as Tim Tebow put it, "Eh, it's been done."

Thursday is the deadline for Iran to meet a series of measures to delay its nuclear program. Then Iran said, “Do you mean ‘DEADLINE deadline’ or ‘Sign up for Obamacare deadline?'”

With their loss to the Braves yesterday, the Chicago Cubs became the third team in baseball history to lose 10,000 games. The poor Cubs. They can't even win a losing contest.

The Cubs are so bad that the last time they won a World Series, the team photo was an oil painting.

Conan O'Brien
The first openly gay player has been drafted by the NFL. If you saw it on ESPN, Michael Sam celebrated by kissing his boyfriend. This is historic. This is the first time anyone has celebrated being drafted by the St. Louis Rams.

Some NFL players actually criticized Michael Sam for kissing his boyfriend after getting drafted. Apparently NFL players aren't supposed to be in a gay relationship until they're sent to prison. Then it's fine.

Dr. Dre may become the world's first hip-hop billionaire. So maybe my mom was right. I should have become a doctor.

In Colorado a man was accidentally released from prison 90 years too soon. In a related story, everyone in Colorado is high.

Sat, Aug 30, 2014

#2988

Late Night From 05/13
Part 2

The Late Show with David Letterman
According to a new survey, Europeans drink more than anyone else in the world. When I heard that I said to myself: Can't we do anything anymore?

Some studies conclude that eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine will prolong your life. Well, it turns out that's not true. The new study was conducted by the New Haven Institute of Buzz Kill.

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are getting married. I try to go to all of her weddings.

What Kim Kardashian can do is use the flowers from the last wedding. They should still be fresh.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
New research suggests that people who are more ambitious will live longer. While people who are less ambitious will live longer with their parents.

A new study claims that 1 in 10 Americans no longer carry cash. They’re called English majors.

Sun, Aug 31, 2014

#2989

Late Night From 05/13
Part 2

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
TMZ released a surveillance video of Beyoncé’s sister, Solange, hitting and kicking her husband Jay-Z in an elevator. It's embarrassing for Beyoncé, but it's the best-case scenario for when someone tells you, "Hey, a video just leaked online of your husband and your sister going at it."

Russia is threatening to punish Moldova after a Russian politician’s plane was briefly held while traveling in the country over the weekend. You can tell they’re pretty serious because this morning Putin sent Solange over there.

During his trip to the White House yesterday, Uruguay’s president said that more Americans should be bilingual. Then Joe Biden said, "Thanks, but I'm happily married."

Conan O'Brien
Kim Kardashian's daughter has said her first word, "Da-da." Reportedly she's also been calling Bruce Jenner grandma.

IKEA announced it's going to turn its first store into a museum. It's going to be called the "Metropolitan museum of things that break after two years."

Carrie Fisher has reportedly lost 40 pounds for the upcoming "Star Wars" movie. And Chewbacca got a full Brazilian wax.

Mon, Sep 01, 2014

#2990

Late Night From 05/14
Part 1

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
George Lucas, the creator of "Star Wars," is 70 years old today. George didn't bother celebrating. He spent the day making unnecessary changes to all his earlier birthdays.

It's a great day for Transylvania. The 14th century Transylvania castle that inspired the book "Dracula" is for sale. Personally, if I wanted a house that belonged to a creepy undead guy, I'd buy the Playboy mansion.

It must be tough for a real estate agent in Transylvania. The castle's a little on the dark side.

Jimmy Kimmel Live
Part two of Donald Sterling's interview with Anderson Cooper aired on CNN tonight. It may have been the first time I've ever seen an apology that was more offensive than the thing being apologized for.

A Massachusetts woman, Brenda Drinkwater, was arrested on a seventh drunk driving charge. "Drinkwater" is good advice for her.

Yesterday in Bakersfield a 4-year-old was playing in his driveway when a dog comes in and attacks him. Then all of a sudden the family cat charges out and chases the dog off. The boy then gets up and gets out of there. A hero cat. Are you serious?

Late Night With Seth Meyers
Last night, Magic Johnson told Anderson Cooper that he’s still waiting for an apology from Clippers owner Donald Sterling. Sterling responded, saying, “I’m very sorry you’re black.”

According to a new survey, 55 percent of Americans think that they are smarter than the average American. Said the average American, “55 percent? That’s almost half.”

A Chicago priest is offering a $5,000 reward to help stop gun violence. Meanwhile, people with guns just found out about a priest who has $5,000.

Tue, Sep 02, 2014

#2991

Late Night From 05/14
Part 2

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
A day after Donald Sterling's explosive interview with CNN, Anderson Cooper sat down with Magic Johnson for a follow-up interview. And Magic actually said he's praying for Sterling. Yeah, he’s praying for him to get stuck in an elevator with Beyoncé’s sister.

A federal judge ruled yesterday that Idaho's ban on same-sex marriage is unconstitutional, so now it’s legal for gay couples to get married. Idaho's gay people all cheered — from their homes in San Francisco and New York.

Happy Birthday to Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg, who turned 30 years old today. It's a big milestone for him because he's now officially the youngest person on Facebook.

Yesterday Alec Baldwin got busted for riding his bike the wrong way in a bike lane, and then arguing about it with the cops. He was charged with two counts of “being Alec Baldwin.”

The Late Show with David Letterman
This audience's applause is about as convincing as a Donald Sterling apology.

Researchers now say that drinking a lot of red wine is not healthy for you. What's next, crack?

Justin Bieber is accused of stealing a cellphone from a fan. The police now say that he is at large. He's armed and Bieberous.

Wed, Sep 03, 2014

#2992

Late Night From 05/15
Part 1

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
It was so hot today here in L.A. that a pipeline burst, sending thousands of gallons of oil into the streets. The oil company said it was an accident. They meant to spill it into the ocean.

It's a great day for Barbara Walters. In a few hours, she'll tape her final episode of "The View." Barbara is leaving and I'm leaving at the end of the year, so there'll be no more feisty old ladies on TV.

A cat in Bakersfield saved a boy from a mean dog. It is all over the Internet. Now the cat is a celebrity. Rumors say it’s in talks to be my replacement.

That video is amazing. It shows a cat actually caring about a human. That is like a Kardashian caring about privacy. It's like Vladimir Putin caring about the sovereignty of Ukraine. It's like Oprah caring about clipping coupons. It's like the Lakers caring about winning. It is like the "Duck Dynasty" guys caring about Broadway musicals.

Jimmy Kimmel Live
It got up to 101 degrees in Hollywood today. Although with the wind chill it was 98 degrees.

Here in Southern California today, we premiered what I think is the first-ever firenado. It's kind of like a sharknado, except instead of sharks in the nado there is fire.

If that firenado isn't the work of Satan, I don't know what is.

That hotel in New York fired the employee who leaked the security camera footage of the fight between Solange Knowles and Jay-Z. But don't feel bad for that person. He's rumored to have been paid $250,000 by TMZ. Let that be a lesson to every low-wage security guard out there. The lesson is to make sure your phone is charged before you come to work.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
Last night in the second part of his interview with Anderson Cooper, L.A. Clippers owner Donald Sterling announced he and his wife are divorcing. Ladies, that means he's going to be single. So run.

Today President Obama took his 1,001st flight aboard Air Force One. And they still made him take his shoes off at security.

Independent film director Lars von Trier is writing a horror movie set in Detroit. But then again, so is history.

A new Michael Jackson album was released this week and it contains a track titled "Do You Know Where Your Children Are?" Even worse, the next song is called, "Can You Give Me Directions?"

Thu, Sep 04, 2014

#2993

Late Night From 05/15
Part 2

Real Time wiht Bill Maher
"Karl Rove thinks we shouldn’t have Hillary Clinton in the White House because she fell and hit her head a couple years ago, spent three days in the hospital, and maybe she has brain damage. You know, I don’t recall the Republicans being this concerned with mental fitness during the years when Reagan was talking to house plants in the White House."

"New Rule: Now that Clay Aiken's opponent in the Democratic primary for Congress died after a "accidental fall down the stairs", the Republican Aiken will face next might want to consider dropping out. Because this is Clay Aiken we're talking about. And apparently Clay Aiken is going to take what Clay motherfuckin' Aiken wants. Which might explain why every single face he's ever made looks like a guy who just pushed someone down the stairs."

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
Last night was part two of the Anderson Cooper interview with Clippers owner Donald Sterling. Sterling said that people think of him as an ogre or Frankenstein. Which isn't true because Frankenstein and ogres are still allowed at NBA games.

The new “Godzilla” movie opened worldwide today. They say New York City could survive a Godzilla attack. Seriously? It takes five cops to handle Alec Baldwin when he's riding his bike the wrong way.

In an interview, Neil Patrick Harris said he'd never want to do a late-night talk show because he thinks it would be boring doing the same thing every day. And if you want to see more of Neil, you can check him out in that play where he says literally the exact same thing every day.

Yesterday Chris Christie said he thinks it would be fun to run against Jeb Bush for the Republican presidential nomination. While Jeb Bush said it would be fun just to watch Chris Christie run.

The Late Show with David Letterman
Donald Sterling and his wife are divorcing. I didn't see that coming.

It's a very exciting time in television. This is the time when all of the networks and TV show providers get together and announce their new TV line-ups. CBS has a wonderful new show. It's called CSI-SPU — Special Parking Unit.

There also will be a socially relevant show on CBS about the first openly gay detective. He has a heightened sense of fashion.

President Obama was here, touring New York sites in need of repair. He wants to spend money on our infrastructure. For example, the port authority needs fixing. And the Tappan Zee Bridge, where the renovation is already finishing up way ahead of schedule — like Obama's second term.

Fri, Sep 05, 2014

#2994

Late Night From 05/16

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
Donald Sterling is now planning to sue the NBA for banning him from the league. That’s good because it’s the only way he'll ever see a court again.

This week the FCC rolled out a new service that lets people text 911 for help. That'll mean if you're driving and you see an accident, you can cause another accident.

The stadium that will host the opening match of the World Cup still isn’t ready yet because there are problems with 20,000 seats. When asked what’s wrong with the seats, officials said, “There’s no stadium built around them.”

A new report found that the average life expectancy for women in the U.S. is 81, while the average life expectancy for men is 76. Or as both husbands and wives put it, “Good.”

The Late Show with David Letterman
The new "Godzilla" opens this weekend. In this movie, Godzilla is the first openly gay lizard.

They're finally able to control Godzilla when New Jersey Governor Chris Christie closes down the George Washington Bridge.

Godzilla destroys three cities. Then he sits down and apologizes to Anderson Cooper.

New York City is now bidding on the 2024 Olympics. And it was announced earlier today that New York City has been awarded the 2016 Kim Kardashian wedding.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
"Godzilla" opens today. In the original movies, Godzilla always attacked Tokyo. But today Godzilla is such a revered hero, Tokyo actually has a statue of him. A city having a statue of the very thing that destroyed it? That would be like the L.A. Clippers having a statue of Donald Sterling. Like Blockbuster having a statue of Netflix. Or like Conan having a statue of Jay Leno.

Do you know who's in the new "Godzilla" movie? Elizabeth Olsen, the sister of the Olsen twins. She is not a twin. She is just an Olsen single. So she's used to being around weird, scary creatures.

I'm sure the new "Godzilla" will be a success, and I'm sure Godzilla will be getting more work. You'll probably be seeing him on the next season of "Downton Abbey."

There have been 28 Godzilla movies. They include "Son of Godzilla," "Godzilla vs. Mothra," "2 God 2 Zilla," and "Godzilla vs. Tyler Perry."

Jimmy Kimmel Live
Over the weekend, the new "Godzilla" movie came out. I don't know how Godzilla doesn't hurt himself. I once had to go to the emergency room after stepping on a Lego piece.

The Clippers got knocked out of the NBA playoffs last night. Jack Nicholson, who has been sitting courtside at Lakers games for decades, was there. That had to be a mistake, right? He got confused.

Donald Sterling's attorney sent a letter to the NBA, rejecting his lifetime ban and refusing to pay the $2.5 million fine they hit him with. In case you are keeping track, Donald Sterling is 0 for 80 at making good decisions this year.

Even if Sterling wins the lawsuit, why would you want to own a team on which all of your players wish you were dead? He should pack those giant bags under his eyes and get out of L.A.

Sat, Sep 06, 2014

#2995

Late Night From 05/19

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
The Billboard Music awards were last night and there was an amazing hologram of Michael Jackson. He performed a new song called "Slave to the Rhythm." It was so realistic, Tito actually asked it for money.

Yeah, a Michael Jackson hologram at the Billboard Music Awards. Then he left to play golf with holograms of Tupac and Elvis.

They say this season of "The Bachelorette" will have fewer hot tub scenes than previous seasons. Which explains the show's new name: "What's the Point?"

Over the weekend, Brad Pitt spotted Matthew McConaughey on a balcony across the street from his house in New Orleans, so he threw him a beer. Because legally, that's what you have to do when you see Matthew McConaughey.

Conan O'Brien
The U.S. is accusing Chinese military officials of spying. When asked why they did it, the Chinese officials said it's payback for all the times your students cheated off the Asian kid.

In New Hampshire, a police commissioner who called President Obama a racial slur has resigned. He also publicly apologized to New Hampshire's entire black community, a guy named Steve.

A man from Houston is attempting to visit all the Starbucks locations in the world. It's been four years since he started. He still hasn't left Houston.

A woman in Iowa claims she found marijuana in her McDonald's burger. Which explains why right after eating the burger she went over to Taco Bell.

The Late Show with David Letterman
California Chrome won the Kentucky Derby, he won the Preakness, now comes the Belmont Stakes. This is one of those miracle horse-racing stories — Mayor de Blasio fired the horse from his regular job pulling a carriage.

For a minute, it looked like California Chrome wouldn't be able to wear his Breathe Right strips on his nose in the Belmont, but now everything's fine. He will, however, not be allowed to use his reading glasses.

Bad news. Red Lobster is going out of business. Here's how I found out. CBS had to move my retirement dinner to Olive Garden.

There's a coffee shortage, and when the supply goes down, look out, I predict that those prices at Starbucks are going to start to get a little pricey.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
A man in Phoenix accidentally shot himself in the leg while in line at Walmart on Saturday. Or, as they call that in Arizona, “taking a selfie.”

Today Merriam-Webster announced 150 new words being added to the dictionary, including selfie, dubstep, hashtag, and spoiler alert. Also, they’re considering removing the word “dictionary.”

Vladimir Putin ordered all Russian troops stationed near Ukraine to be pulled back to their home bases. It’s the first time Putin has pulled back since that one time someone tried to hug him.

The Colbert Report with Stephen Colbert
"It's primary season, which thanks to global warming, will soon be our last remaining season."

"I mean, why would [Hillary Clinton] run? In the past month, she faced new Benghazi allegations, the return of Monica Lewinsky, Karl Rove speculating on her brain damage and the rumors that she only got into the White House by sleeping with the president. A lie? Probably."

Sun, Sep 07, 2014

#2996

Late Night From 05/20
Part 1

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
There's a couple of birthdays today — Busta Rhymes and Cher. Busta Rhymes and Cher are very different. One's a tough, hard-bitten dude who smokes two blunts before breakfast. And the other one is Busta Rhymes.

In Hollywood news, they're making a sequel to "Mrs. Doubtfire." Robin Williams is returning as a guy who dresses as a woman so he can spend time with his kids. But I'm thinking if he's still dressing up like a woman after 20 years, it's probably not really about seeing his kids, is it?

Nothing against Robin Williams, but if Hollywood wants to make a movie about a creepy, middle-aged Scottish woman — what am I, chopped liver?

Jimmy Kimmel Live
I was at a website looking at the sale section and I came across this item: a chocolate Easter Bunny reduced from $14.95 to $9.99. Who is buying chocolate Easter Bunnies in May? It's not like chocolate isn't available in other shapes.

If you did buy a chocolate bunny, an out-of-season candy rabbit, would you order it by mail? I mean, if your chocolate bunny isn't an impulse purchase, what is?

Yesterday the NBA formally notified Donald Sterling of its intention to terminate his ownership of the L.A. Clippers. And they also let him know that his face looks like a bag of melted silly putty.

The NBA gave Donald Sterling until Tuesday to respond. His lawyer asked for a three-month extension to prepare. I'll tell you what's happening here. He is stalling. Sterling is going to keep this in court until he dies. He is basically trying to run out the clock on being alive.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
A 24-year-old-cat in England has been named the world’s oldest cat. That cat is so old, if you give it a ball of yarn, it knits.

A man in Florida has been arrested for inappropriately touching two women outside a Walmart while claiming to be a psychic. Though to his credit, when the police picked him up he said, “I knew this was going to happen.”

Mon, Sep 08, 2014

#2997

Late Night From 05/20
Part 2

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
Yesterday President Obama made an unscheduled stop at a Little League game while he was on his way to a fundraiser. Yeah, because there's nothing parents love more than their kid's Little League game getting even longer.

Over the weekend, Beyoncé and Jay-Z released a trailer for their upcoming tour together. When asked what they like most about the video, they said, “We actually knew we were making this one.”

CNN had to fire an editor after discovering that she plagiarized 50 stories. CNN said, “Can you imagine if somebody actually SAW them?”

Scientists in London say they have invented a process that can actually turn light into matter, but warned people that their results won’t be visible to the human eye. Well, in that case, I invented it too.

Conan O'Brien
A high school girl has invited Joe Biden to be her prom date. Isn't that nice? However, her father is refusing to let her go with a guy who can't really describe what he does for a living.

"Wheel of Fortune" host Pat Sajak posted several tweets mocking people who believe in global warming. The tweet was hard to understand because Sajak didn't buy any vowels.

This week is the 40th anniversary of the Rubik's Cube. If you kids don't know what a Rubik's Cube is, it's what people would stare at without human interaction before cellphones.

A Japanese company unveiled a robot that can tell jokes and then detect if the joke was well received. In a related story, I start my shift at Quiznos tomorrow.

The Late Show with David Letterman
In the new "Godzilla" movie, Godzilla starts out as a normal-sized lizard, and then he calls Alex Rodriguez. A-Rod gives him the number of an anti-aging clinic and then all hell breaks loose.

Godzilla gets crazy mad and destroys three cities. It's kind of like what General Motors did.

We are having lovely weather in New York City. Here's how nice it is. Today Beyoncé's sister beat up Jay-Z in the park.

It's springtime and earlier today Chris Christie closed the George Washington Bridge for a pollen study.

Tue, Sep 09, 2014

#2998

Late Night From 05/21
Part 1

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
It's the first day of Fleet Week. Fleet week is when New York City honors its men in uniform — unless they play for the Mets.

During Fleet Week, New York City gets pretty rowdy. All that yelling, drinking, and raising hell. And then when they're done taping "The View," Fleet Week starts.

It's also National Waiter and Waitress Day. So be extra nice to your server. Say "Thanks, sugar" and give them a little slap on the butt.

Mr. T turns 62 today. Mister T was so beloved in the 1980s he had his own breakfast cereal. They had to pull it off the shelves though. Kids kept breaking their teeth on the little crunchy gold medallions.

Jimmy Kimmel Live
On "Dancing With The Stars," double amputee Amy Purdy, who has not one but two artificial legs, made it all the way to the final two and then she lost to an Olympic gold medal-winning ice dancer. Is that fair? I don't think it is.

Good news for fans of "Frozen." Disney announced this fall they will debut a live show called "Frozen on Ice." I haven't seen it, but wasn't "Frozen" already on ice?

For 40 years Burger King has been saying "Have it your way" in their ads. They're changing the slogan from "Have it your way" to "Be your way." I don't get it. Am I ordering a Whopper or coming out to my family?

I would be mad if I was in charge of supplies for Burger King. Because they're changing two words in the slogan, I now have to print 8 trillion new cups. Does Burger King know that they could not even have a tag line and as long as they have hamburgers literally no one would care?

Late Night With Seth Meyers
It’s Fleet Week in New York. And you know what that means: Next week is Penicillin Week.

One day after recalling 2.4 million vehicles, GM has announced it’s recalling another 218,000 Chevy Aveos. Apparently, their defect is that they’re Chevy Aveos.

Yesterday a group of 50 Brooklyn school kids gave an impromptu recorder recital on the subway during morning rush hour. Because sometimes New York is full of great surprises and other times it’s full of children playing the recorder on the subway in the morning.

Golfer Rory McIlroy broke off his engagement to a pro tennis player Caroline Wozniacki days after sending out wedding invitations. Because he realized that, to her, love means zero.

Wed, Sep 10, 2014

#2999

Late Night From 05/21
Part 2

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
Pope Francis will bring a rabbi and a Muslim leader with him when he travels to the Holy Land this week. Or as bartenders put it, "We've been expecting you."

Kraft is recalling more than a million cases of cottage cheese because they weren’t stored at the right temperature. Isn’t that how you MAKE cottage cheese?

Researchers have found that eating two large meals helps you lose more weight than eating six small meals. Or as doctors put it, “Please just exercise.”

A Russian businessman has been ordered to pay his wife $4.5 billion in what is being called the world’s most expensive divorce. Then L.A. Clippers owner Donald Sterling said, “Stay tuned.”

Conan O'Brien
The FBI has reversed its policy and will now hire people who have smoked pot in the past three years. When asked why, the FBI said, "Because we couldn't find anyone who hasn't smoked pot."

In Nashville a woman named Peyton Manning was arrested for possession of cocaine. Either that or football's Peyton Manning likes to switch things up.

In a new interview, Angelina Jolie said she would not rule out running for office someday. She said she will wait until her children are grown and make up 51 percent of the voting population.

The Late Show with David Letterman
It's Fleet Week here in New York City. All the armed forces are here, 1500 military personnel. They're here to defend us against Godzilla.

Fleet Week is great for me personally because it's the only time I can walk around New York City and not feel stupid wearing my little sailor outfit.

A new study proves that women love men in uniform. You know, unless it's a Mets uniform.

Judge Judy was on all night long in prime time here on CBS. She makes about $50 million a year. Now to be fair, most of that is from bribes.

Thu, Sep 11, 2014

#3000

Late Night From 05/22

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
Fans of “The Price is Right” got angry at President Obama yesterday because a speech he was giving interrupted the show. So let me fill them in on what they missed: Three people you don't know got called down, and they were extremely happy about it. That’s all you missed.

A new study found that legalizing marijuana in Colorado has created more than 10,000 jobs. And that's just selling lava lamps at Spencer's Gifts.

The organizing committee for the 2016 Olympics in Rio just announced that 38 percent of the venues are completed. When asked if they’d be done in time for the Summer Games, Rio said, “Wait — SUMMER games?”

Conan O'Brien
In a new interview about the Donald Sterling scandal, Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban said, "I know I'm prejudiced, too." In fact, Cuban admits he's so racist, he's trying to have his last name deported.

It's been reported that Beyoncé gets paid $100,000 just to sit in the front row at a fashion show. Meanwhile, her sister, Solange, is getting paid that amount by Jay-Z to take the stairs.

A woman got a DUI while driving a car that belongs to Toronto Mayor Rob Ford. So, I'm starting to think maybe it's the car that has the problem.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
It's Pac-Man's birthday. He's an icon of the 1980s, like the Rubik's Cube and "Knight Rider." So if you're a fan of video games, you're going to enjoy the show tonight. But then if you're a fan of video games, you're not watching this show. You're playing video games.

Pac-Man had his own cereal and his own cartoon show. In Japan he's still very popular. But then, this show's popular in Japan too.

I did a sitcom in Japan with Pac-Man. We played roommates, both of us ravaged by years of drug abuse.

Jimmy Kimmel Live
Google is continuing its mission to make sure we're never NOT looking at ads. Google says it hopes to put ads on refrigerators, dashboards, glasses, watches, and other items. This is what the smartest people in the country are working on. Instead of winning a Nobel Prize, their obituary is going to say, "Bill used his 187 IQ to figure out how to put commercials on your windshield.”

In other invasive technology news, Facebook has a terrifying new feature. It uses the microphone in your smartphone to listen to what music, movies, or TV shows you're watching or hearing, and then it posts them to your Facebook page. You have to hand it to Facebook. Each time I figure Facebook has become as creepy as possible, somehow they find a way to be even creepier.

Toronto Mayor Rob Ford's car was involved in a DUI. Somehow a woman named LeAnne McRobb wound up in his car. You know what a McRobb is? It's half Rob Ford, half McRib.

This Rob Ford is something else. His car gets pulled over for DUI even when he's not in it. It's over. The machines have won. I mean, for God's sake, Rob Ford's Cadillac Escalade is drunk.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
It’s Fleet Week, when New York City plays host to the crews of three U.S. Navy ships and two Coast Guard clippers. But don’t worry, the Coast Guard clippers are NOT owned by Donald Sterling.

A group of scientists have started attaching sensors to sharks to help predict hurricane intensity. They’re hoping the information they gather will save enough lives to offset the number of lives lost attaching sensors to sharks.

According to a new survey, fewer than 2 percent of hiring managers said they were actively recruiting graduates with liberal arts degrees. Said liberal arts graduates, “Latte for Karen.”

Top of page