Jokes of the day

2951 - 2975

Newest

Thu, Jul 24, 2014

#2951

Late Night From 03/26

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
Intelligence officials say they had a hard time predicting Russia’s invasion because Vladimir Putin doesn’t own a cellphone or use the Internet due to fear of being tracked. You can tell Putin doesn’t spend much time online. When he says “LOL,” he means “Look out, Latvia.”

That’s right, Putin doesn’t have a cellphone. And just like everyone else without a cellphone, he won't stop bragging about it.

Ukraine said it has finished withdrawing the last of its troops from Crimea, so the split is now final. Well, they're not calling it a split. They’re calling it a "conscious uncoupling."

Today Pope Francis had to fire a German bishop known as the “Bling Bishop” after he spent over $43 million to renovate his house. Pope Francis was nice enough to describe it as a "conscious unbishopping."

Conan O'Brien
One of President Obama's secret service agents is in trouble now after getting drunk and passing out in a hotel hallway. In his defense, it's spring break! He was wearing a helmet with a beer on either side. That was a bad idea.

The first lady is in China. During her trip, Michelle Obama fed panda bears. Like most people the first lady feeds, the bears politely ate the bamboo and then had a cheeseburger the minute she left.

In an interview, former vice-presidential candidate Paul Ryan said he does not have a racist bone in his body. However, he admitted he has three sexist bones and his spine is homophobic.

In a speech, Pope Francis criticized the Mafia and urged its members to repent. Which is why now every morning the Pope makes his assistant start the Popemobile.

The Late Show with David Letterman
It's not every night that we get a great audience. Last night, we had an ugly crowd. Halfway through the show, they voted to join Russia.

Vladimir Putin was nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize and two weeks later he invaded Crimea. So here's what the United States did. They tossed him out of the G-8 meetings. Really? I mean, that's like being told you can't go to the Daytime Emmys.

President Obama went to the G-8 meetings. He's filling in for Dennis Rodman.

First lady Michelle Obama is in China right now. Today she was busy doing some official business. She placed a wreath on the grave of General Tso, the creator of spicy chicken.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
In Colorado a big convention is going on for five days. It's expected to bring in thousands of people, and it's devoted to one of my favorite things: balloons. Yes, the World Balloon Convention is going on in Denver. And I'm stuck here!

I can't believe the World Balloon Convention is in Denver. What could the people of Colorado possibly have that would suddenly make them transfixed by balloons?

Do you think when we're not looking, animals make balloon people?

Jimmy Kimmel Live
A group of Secret Service agents went to Amsterdam ahead of President Obama's visit, but three of them were sent home after they stayed out all night drinking and one of them passed out in the hotel’s hallway. I always thought Secret Service agents wore sunglasses to look intimidating. Turns out they're just hung over.

The NFL made a big announcement yesterday that will greatly impact how players celebrate in the end zone. The league has banned players from dunking over the goal post. If I want to watch a sport without dunking, I'll watch the WNBA.

Toronto held the first mayoral debate of 2014 tonight. Rob Ford faced four challengers. When Rob Ford ran for mayor in 2010, his slogan was "Stop the gravy train." Then he realized he loves gravy. And you need a train to get it there.

This is the difference between our countries. None of the other candidates specifically mentioned drugs. They let Mayor Ford say over and over again that he's the only candidate with a proven track record. He's also the only candidate with a proven crack record.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
Americans have been given another month to sign up for Obamacare as long as they check a box on the website saying they tried to sign up before the original deadline. It’s expected to be answered as truthfully as boxes that say “Yes, I am 18.”

This week Diddy announced he’s going back to his old nickname of Puff Daddy. But your dad will probably just keep calling him “Kanye.”

A New Jersey man who was released last week after 15 years in prison for robbing a shoe store was arrested the next day for robbing the exact same store. He learned a valuable lesson. Next time, steal both shoes at the same time.

Fri, Jul 25, 2014

#2952

Late Night From 03/27

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
Mayor Rob Ford is running for re-election in Toronto, and last night's first debate was about public transportation. Ford said it's important to preserve the city's bus and subway stations. Then he said, “I rely on those things. I’m way too drunk to drive myself.”

President Obama visited with Pope Francis today, and during the meeting the president gave Pope Francis some seeds used in the White House garden. Then he said, “Don't plant these where anyone can see them. They're straight from Denver. ”

Joan Rivers is on the show tonight. This is her first appearance on the show in 25 years. Or roughly 43 faces.

They’re considering a new 10-cent fee on grocery bags here in New York. My mom said, "Who's laughing at the eight-thousand bags under the sink NOW?”

Jimmy Kimmel Live
President Obama was at the Vatican today. He had his first meeting with Pope Francis. It was a casual meeting. They spoke privately for about an hour and grabbed lunch at the Cheesecake Factory.

It's traditional for world leaders to exchange gifts when they meet for the first time. The Pope gave Obama his book and two medallions. The president gave him seeds from the vegetable garden. The Pope said, "Great, my favorite."

Lululemon is the company that makes yoga pants that are so tight they cut off circulation to the part of your brain that decides how much money is OK to spend on yoga pants.

A lot of schools are banning the yoga pants because they're causing male students to go through puberty prematurely.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
Pope Francis and President Obama met for the first time today and prayed together. Said Obama: “Lord, please help me accept the things I cannot change, which is everything.”

Today the U.N. approved a resolution calling Russia’s annexation of Crimea illegal. For those of you who don't know what a U.N. resolution is, it’s about as powerful as a negative Yelp review.

A British tech company has debuted new technology that lets clothing store mannequins talk about the outfit they are displaying. Said the inventor, “The idea came to me in a nightmare.”

After discovering a new dwarf planet orbiting the sun beyond Pluto, scientists have named it “2012 VP113” or “Biden” for short. Scientists say they chose the name because the planet, like Biden, is pretty far out there.

Sat, Jul 26, 2014

#2953

Late Night From 03/28

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
The movie “Noah” comes out this weekend. It follows the story of a family trying to survive God's wrath on a giant boat for months. Or as that's more commonly known, a Carnival Cruise.

“Noah” tells the story of a man who takes on a massive project that no one believes in. Or as Obama put it, "Been there."

At March Madness, Dayton beat Stanford to advance to the Elite Eight. Stanford students haven't been this disappointed since they didn't get into Harvard.

The Philadelphia 76ers lost their 26th straight game last night to tie an NBA record. Yeah, they only TIED the record. Man, those guys can't win anything.

You know the 76ers don't even have cheerleaders? They have "grief counselors."

Sun, Jul 27, 2014

#2954

Late Night From 03/31

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
The March Madness Final Four was set last night with Connecticut taking on Florida, and Wisconsin taking on Kentucky. Meanwhile, Duke will be taking on a pint of Ben & Jerry’s.

Connecticut beat Michigan State, the team that President Obama had picked to win the whole tournament. It completely busted his bracket. Which explains why today Connecticut got a fruit basket from Vladimir Putin.

California is having to drive 30 million salmon to the ocean because this year’s drought has dried up the rivers that normally get them there. Unfortunately, to make the salmon comfortable, the truckers had to drive against traffic.

Today the federal government unveiled new safety guidelines that will require all new cars to have rearview cameras by 2018. Rearview cameras — or as that was called in our station wagon growing up, "Jimmy."

Conan O'Brien
It's great to be here in Dallas for the Final Four. Of course, in Texas the Final Four refers to the number of Democrats in the Legislature.

I will try my hardest ever to give you people a great show. You know why? Because I know you're all armed.

Today is opening day for Major League Baseball. By the way, just an hour ago the Houston Astros were mathematically eliminated.

Sports is not the only thing you have in this town. Dallas is home to many incredible art museums. And while I'm here I plan to drive by all of them.

The Late Show with David Letterman
It's baseball's opening day. This will be the first time the New York Yankees will be playing without the services of their relief ace Mariano Rivera since World War II.

I can hardly wait to get to Yankee Stadium to see their newest $200 million disappointment.

The new movie "Noah" is a blockbuster but a lot of people say it's not accurate. I thought it was accurate, especially the part when the ark hits the iceberg.

Last week the Internet turned 25 years old. I always thought the Internet was invented by that Bill Applegate guy, but it was not.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
(Guest host Drew Carey): I'm so very excited to be on "The Late Late Show" because growing up I wanted to be a talk-show host, but success got in the way.

Craig called me and said, "You want to host the show?" And I said, "You've got a show?" I was shocked.

I saw "Noah" this weekend. Not as good as the book.

Keith Richards is writing a children's book. I think it's called "Green Eggs and Whiskey." Or "Horton Hears a Hallucination."

Jimmy Kimmel Live
We are minutes away from April Fools' Day. So don't forget to turn your friends' clocks back an hour.

April Fools' Day sneaks up on you. But if you're up now while your husband or wife or kids or parents are asleep, you have the upper hand. It's almost like they're asking you to do something to them.

I like to come up with custom pranks specifically tailored to the individual. I like to expose their fears, their weaknesses, etc.

I want to wish a happy birthday to Batman. Yesterday was the 75th anniversary of the first time Batman appeared in a comic book. He spent a quiet evening at home watching Netflix with Robin.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
The Secret Service arrested a man today after he tried to scale a fence at the White House. They reportedly said to the man, “Sorry, but you still have two more years, Mr. President.”

Today was opening day for Major League Baseball. Which means we’re only 17 months away from the World Series.

A new study on unemployment shows that it is now harder to get a job at Wal-Mart than to get accepted at Harvard. Of course, it’s a lot easier if your dad went to Wal-Mart.

Mon, Jul 28, 2014

#2955

Late Night From 04/01

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
Officials in Finland say the Russian army is now conducting drills on its border. Or as Vladimir Putin calls that, “window shopping.”

The White House says it’s surpassed its goal for people enrolled in Obamacare. It’s amazing what you can achieve when you make something mandatory and fine people if they don't do it, and keep extending the deadline for months.

If you still haven’t enrolled, you might have to pay a penalty called the “individual shared responsibility payment,” which is 1 percent of your salary. Then Americans said, “Good thing I don’t have a job.”

U.N. experts are saying that climate change could start threatening the world's supply of fruits and vegetables. Then Americans said, “OK, let us know when it starts affecting Twinkies and Hot Pockets.”

Conan O'Brien
Hello, Dallas! This is our second night here. Dallas is known for its strip clubs so last night I visited one. It was great. I got to meet all the Dallas Cowboys in person.

Southwest Airlines is headquartered in Dallas. In honor of this being their headquarters, the show will be delayed for two hours.

Dallas is the largest city in America that is not near a large body of water. That explains the city's original motto: "Whose bright idea was this?"

The Dallas Public Library displays one of the original copies of the Declaration of Independence — also the only copy stained with barbecue sauce.

Late Show with David Letterman

The Yankees open up tonight. They have a lot of lineup changes. Alex Rodriguez is gone, and Robinson Cano too. And the great Mariano Rivera is gone. He's now the closer at Westchester Volvo.

The Mets lost yesterday. They had a tough season last year and the year before that. They've had a tough century, come to think of it.

The population in New York City has grown by a quarter of a million people in the last 10 years. And you know what else? Most of those people are talk-show hosts.

Here's how crowded it is in New York City. Today a guy gave me $200 in cash to take a later elevator.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
The official presidential candidate for the Ukrainian Internet Party is a man in a Darth Vader costume. Not to be confused with the president of Russia, who is Darth Vader in a man costume.

The Department of Agriculture is encouraging grandparents to read their grandchildren bedtime stories about nutrition. Stories like “Goodnight Kale,” “James and the Giant Organic Peach,” and “The Little Engine That Could, Thanks to His High-Fiber Diet.”

Tiger Woods announced that he won’t play in the Masters because he’s recovering from back surgery. His doctors have told him to avoid swinging — and also golfing.

During a show put on for China’s Fashion Week, three different models fell on the runway — proving it’s really hard to walk and make clothes at the same time.

Tue, Jul 29, 2014

#2956

Late Night From 04/02

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
The White House finally met their enrollment goal for Obamacare. President Obama held a press conference and said this means that Obamacare is “here to stay.” He added, “because if you think getting INTO the program was hard, just try getting OUT.”

There’s a kid here in New York who has been accepted to all eight Ivy League colleges. Seriously? I can’t even name all eight Ivy League colleges.

He was accepted to all eight Ivy League colleges. Even his parents were like, "Nerd."

Las Vegas just opened the world’s tallest Ferris wheel, which is 550 feet high. They say it’s the perfect place to take your kids — and then leave them while you hit the blackjack table.

Conan O'Brien
I've been loving it here in Dallas this week. Last night I tried to eat healthy so I went to a vegetarian restaurant. They serve a barbecued vegetarian.

I like the way you Texans abbreviate things. "How do you do" became "howdy." "You all" became "y'all," and "hell on earth" became "El Paso."

Texas may soon be getting a bullet train. The train will run from Taco Cabana to the closest bathroom.

Baseball season started this week. This year for $500 you can have your marriage proposal shown live on the Jumbotron at the Astros stadium. It's also the only way Astros fans will get to see anyone receive a ring.

The Late Show with David Letterman
"Noah" is a blockbuster of a movie with a lot of surprises. Two days out and Noah realized he's allergic to lion dander.

My favorite scene in the "Noah" movie was during the big storm when Noah is on deck struggling with an umbrella.

They had two of every species on the ark. We get that here in the balcony some nights.

Tiger Woods pulled out of the Masters. He's got a pinched nerve in his neck. It's really a problem. It starts in his neck, and then radiates down through the shoulder all the way down his check-writing arm.

Jimmy Kimmel Live
President Clinton is here tonight to remind us about how happy we used to be.

Our security tonight is heightened. It's tight. Did everyone in the audience get a cavity search?

In mere minutes, President Clinton will be sitting in the same spot once occupied by both Honey Boo Boo and Toronto Mayor Rob Ford. That chair is going to be so confused.

Toronto's city council voted on whether to name a street after Nelson Mandela and whether to congratulate Canada's Olympic athletes. Both votes passed 40-1. Can you guess who that one vote against was? Rob Ford. He now says he got the buttons confused. Come on, Toronto, how could you not re-elect this guy? He's the best. And it's Wednesday. This is the first mistake he's made all week.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
The Kremlin announced today that Vladimir Putin and his wife have officially divorced. She'll get the house and the car and he'll get Crimea, Ukraine, Belarus . . .

Vladimir Putin's divorce became final today. So ladies, he's officially single. Run!

A new poll has found that 75 percent of Americans believe marijuana legalization is inevitable. The same 75 percent also said inevitable is a funny word because you never hear "evitable." What does evitable mean?

That's right, 75 percent of Americans think marijuana eventually will be legal, while the other 25 percent said, "What, it's illegal?"

Wed, Jul 30, 2014

#2957

Late Night From 04/03

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
House Budget Committee Chairman Paul Ryan just released his budget proposal for 2015. Of course, a lot of people are criticizing it. For example, during a speech yesterday President Obama referred to the budget as a “stinkburger” and a “meanwich.” Ryan called Obama immature, while Chris Christie called to see if he had any more of those stinkburgers or meanwiches.

Our good pal, Rob Ford, is at it again. Yesterday he was the only member of Toronto's city council to vote “no” on a measure to congratulate Canada's Winter Olympians. He said, “If someone's gonna be rewarded for not falling on their face, it should be me.”

Ford also voted against naming a street after Nelson Mandela. But he claims that he simply hit the wrong button. Then people who voted for Rob Ford were like, "Been there."

Tomorrow, George W. Bush will open an art exhibit at his presidential library that will feature portraits he painted of various world leaders. He was going to include a painting of bin Laden, but he couldn't find it.

Conan O'Brien
This is my last night in Dallas. So I've got to leave Texas with new friends, great memories and dangerously clogged arteries. I have eaten my body weight every night. Literally, I weigh myself before the meal and I say bring me that much meat.

Dallas is home to the first Six Flags theme park. Or, if you really like being on a roller coaster, you can just root for the Cowboys.

The Dallas Cowboys are known as America's team. Meanwhile, the Astros are definitely known as Houston's team.

Texas was an independent nation that bordered the U.S. from 1836 to 1846. And then the U.S. surrendered to Texas.

The Late Show with David Letterman
Everybody's excited about the beginning of baseball season. The Yankees are off to a rough start. They are 0-and-2. Alex Rodriguez, who is no longer a Yankee, sits home nights watching the games and injecting himself with dip.

Evil Russian president Vladimir Putin and his wife have divorced. They say it was amicable. It must be because she's still alive.

The "Noah" film is a huge hit. Paramount pictures presents one of the greatest stories of all time re-imagined as you have never seen it before. "Noah," starring Russell Crowe, Jennifer Connelly, Emma Watson and Matt Damon as the animals.

Chris Christie, what a guy. He allegedly closes down the George Washington Bridge. Everybody goes crazy. And he says, "I'll handle this. I'm going to investigate myself." So he investigates himself. He finds out that he, in fact, is innocent. He came up with a classic defense, "If the pants don't fit, you must acquit."

Jimmy Kimmel Live
The Discovery Channel just announced plans for a new miniseries. It's hosting a race to land an unmanned spacecraft on the moon. So technically savvy individuals can compete to see who can get their spacecraft to the moon first. It will be televised live. The show aims to prove that people who are bright and determined and work hard can accomplish anything we already accomplished 50 years ago.

The miniseries is said to be the first step towards Discovery Channel's ultimate goal, which is the first shark week on the moon.

The NFL is using technology to get football fans all sorts of new ways to enjoy the games. They have a new app that will allow you to buy what they call experiences at the stadium. And one of the experiences fans can buy is an in-seat visit from a cheerleader, which is an idea pioneered by every strip club ever.

Hall of Fame pitcher Nolan Ryan threw out the first pitch at last night's Houston Astros game. Nolan Ryan has had many memorable pitches throughout his storied career. This was not one of them.

Two Spanish historians believe that they've discovered the Holy Grail. Indiana Jones found it back in 1989, but they lost track of it.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
The Kremlin announced yesterday that Vladimir Putin and his wife have officially divorced. Over their 30-year marriage, the couple shared two daughters, several homes and one laugh.

Apparently, Kathie Lee Gifford has been asked to stop advertising her new wine on the Today Show. Though I think Kathie Lee is less of an advertisement for wine and more of a public service announcement.

A South Carolina man had to be rescued by police after he got stuck in a ventilation shaft while trying to break into Arby’s. If he’s convicted, he could be sentenced to as many as 10 sandwiches from Arby’s.

Willie Nelson’s stuffed armadillo has been returned after being stolen from a Las Vegas show. And I’m sure Willie was happy to get it back, considering what it’s probably stuffed with.

A new survey ranking American airports named LaGuardia as the worst in the country, and JFK as the second worst. The third worst was somehow LaGuardia again.

Thu, Jul 31, 2014

#2958

Late Night From 04/04

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
The big news is that yesterday David Letterman announced that he is retiring from “The Late Show” in 2015. I couldn’t believe it. And neither could my parents. They said, "Guess we'll have to start watching YOU now."

President Obama invited the U.S. Olympic team to the White House yesterday to congratulate them on their performance in Sochi. Of course it got awkward when Biden told the biathletes, "I won't rest until all you guys can get married."

Hillary Clinton yesterday made some very strong remarks about the media. She said that the media treat powerful women with a double standard. Or as it got reported in most places, “Hillary Clinton shows off sassy new haircut."

McDonald's announced that it has closed its three restaurants in Crimea because of the tension in the region. Then Putin said, “Is good to hear. Even I don't have weapon as destructive as McRib.”

The Late Show with David Letterman
Earlier today, I called the president of CBS, the guy who owns the network, Leslie Moonves, and said, "I'm retiring." There was a pause and then he said, "Who is this?"

A year from now I'll be on the beach with a metal detector.

Immediately after I made that call, CBS posted a guard by the office supplies.

If you thought I was phoning it in before — you know what I'm saying?

Real Time wiht Bill Maher
"Obamacare hit its numbers. Despite all the initial problems, Healthcare.gov surpassed the enrollment goal, over 7 million. Now the Republicans are saying that they're going to repeal the Internet."

"Billionaire Sheldon Adelson had a little party in Vegas this weekend to audition Republican presidential candidates, and they all came to kiss his ass: Jeb Bush, Scott Walker, John Kasich. Chris Christie came, and while he was in Vegas he went over to the New York, New York hotel and shut down traffic on the miniature Brooklyn Bridge."

"Game of Thrones returns this weekend on HBO. I'm sure you know it as a magical fantasy where you're never quite sure who's going to live or die. Or maybe I'm thinking of Paul Ryan's budget."

"50 years ago, America's biggest employer was General Motors, where workers made the modern equivalent of $50 dollars an hour. Today, America's biggest employer is Walmart, where the average wage is $8 dollars an hour...And Walmart released their annual report this month, and in it was the fact that most of what Walmart sells is food. And most of their customers need food stamps to pay for it. Meanwhile, Walmart's owners are so absurdly rich that one of them, Alice Walton, spent over a billion dollars building an art museum in Bentonville, Arkansas, 500 miles away from the nearest person who ever would want to look at art. And she said about it, 'For years I've been thinking about what we can do as a family that can really make a difference.' How about giving your employees a raise, you deluded nitwit?"

Fri, Aug 01, 2014

#2959

Late Night From 04/07

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
“Game of Thrones” fans are mad at HBO after its streaming service, HBO Go, crashed during last night's season 4 premiere. Yeah, it was overloaded with millions of viewers — and that was just the cast of "Game of Thrones."

“Game of Thrones” fans haven't been this upset since the end of every episode of “Game of Thrones.”

Tonight UConn played Kentucky in the men’s NCAA championship. The UConn women’s team, the Lady Huskies, also made it to the championship. The team was really excited until they remembered they're called "Lady Huskies."

The No. 1 movie this weekend was “Captain America: The Winter Soldier,” which has already made $303 million at the worldwide box office. So in other words, Captain America has more money than regular America.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Last night was the big premiere of "Game of Thrones." So many people watched it that HBO's website crashed. And as a result the website's been renamed HBO-bamacare.

in England, a screening of the movie "Noah" had to be canceled because of flooding. I guess we know one person who didn't like the movie.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
A couple in Michigan is being sued for $2 million after they burned down their apartment complex while trying to cook a squirrel with a blowtorch. I’m not an accountant, but it SOUNDS like they might not have $2 million.

Police in San Francisco are looking for a group of vandals who have been tipping Smart cars over. Well, they’re assuming it’s vandals. It could have just been a stiff breeze.

The archbishop of Atlanta is being forced to sell a $2.2 million mansion he bought using church funds. The bishop said he wanted the extra space because he was tired of only moving diagonally.

Sat, Aug 02, 2014

#2960

Late Night From 04/08

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
Congrats to the UConn Huskies for beating Kentucky to win the NCAA tournament. It was a very big night for Shabazz Napier, who scored 22 points in his team’s win. Yeah, Shabazz Napier. He’s the first NCAA player to be named by John Travolta.

George W. Bush and Bill Clinton sat next to each other at the big game. Clinton congratulated UConn on its big win, while Bush gave Kentucky a “Mission Accomplished” banner.

Authorities in New York recently arrested a man at JFK Airport with seven pounds of cocaine hidden inside goat meat. Or as Toronto Mayor Rob Ford calls that, “an hors d'oeuvre.”

Mazda is having to recall 42,000 cars because spiders have been making webs near the engine vent, which could cause fires. They said, "If you have a Mazda, just hop into that spider-infested fireball and drive it on back to the dealership."

Conan O'Brien
A man got a tattoo saying that Kentucky won the NCAA tournament this year even though they lost. The tattoo is right above his tattoo congratulating President Mitt Romney.

In a recent survey, 84 percent of Americans were unable to locate Ukraine on a map. When he heard this, Vladimir Putin said, "That's easy, it's in Russia now."

In England, a movie theater had to cancel a showing of "Noah" due to a flood in the movie theatre. Either that or the 3-D in that theater is really good.

The Late Show with David Letterman
At the NCAA men's basketball championship, President Clinton sat with President George W. Bush. In the second half, Bush tried to catch a foul ball.

Last month, over 200,000 jobs were created in the United States. And that doesn't count this one.

Last week I mentioned to folks I was retiring and the reaction has been overwhelming, but the most impressive reaction since I made that announcement is now I'm seeing kind of a wistful tone to my hate mail.

About a year from now, I'll be doing commercials for reverse mortgages.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Congratulations to the Huskies, who are the NCAA champs. There were a lot of celebrities at the game last night. Bill Clinton and George W. Bush sat together. Apparently they're becoming good friends. I smell a sitcom.

Married Louisiana Congressman Vance McAllister is in a bit of hot water. He was caught by a security camera making out with one of his staffers. Where was this security camera? In his own office.

To his credit, the congressman did all the right things after being caught. He spent time with his family. He apologized to voters. And then he fired the woman he was making out with.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
A new survey shows that New York is still the top spot for vacationers during holidays. And the most popular New York City attraction for those tourists is the middle of the sidewalk.

Al Sharpton responded to accusations that he served as an FBI informant, saying, “I was not and am not a rat. I’m a cat. I chase rats.” He added, “I was not an informant on a boat, I was not an informant on a goat, I was not an informant in the rain, I was not an informant on a train.”

Sun, Aug 03, 2014

#2961

Late Night From 04/09

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
A computer virus called “Heartbleed” has affected two-thirds of all websites. Security experts are warning people that they need to change their Internet passwords. Then my mom said, "No problem. I'll just change my password to 1-2-3-4-5-7!"

Congrats to the UConn Lady Huskies, who won the National Championship just one night after the men’s team won. They had a perfect 40-0 season. The men’s team called to congratulate them, while the Lakers called to ask them when they could start in L.A.

Happy Birthday to Hugh Hefner. He turned 88 years old today. His friends threw him a big party. They had a naked woman jump out of a giant bran muffin.

HBO has renewed “Game of Thrones” for two more seasons even though author George R.R. Martin hasn't finished writing the books yet. So if you're wondering who's most likely to die at the end, it's George R.R. Martin.

Conan O'Brien
Big news out of the White House. According to a new rule, Secret Service agents can no longer drink alcohol 12 hours before reporting to duty. The rule came at the request of President Barack O-buzzkill.

The North Korean dictator is in the news again. He was re-elected with 100 percent of the vote. He said, "I haven't been this happy since I scored 700,000 on the SAT exam."

"Captain America" is currently the No. 1 movie in China. The Chinese say their favorite part is when Captain America asks Captain China for a $17 trillion loan.

The Late Show with David Letterman
Last week I announced that I'm retiring. Now I'm hoping I can hang on long enough so my son can take over the show. I never thought I would retire. I always assumed I would be impeached.

I'll tell you exactly the moment I made the decision to retire. A couple of months ago my cue card boy came to me and said, "Mr. Letterman, I'm sorry. I just can't print the jokes any bigger."

It's Derek Jeter's final year in baseball. Don't you hate it when a guy announces his retirement a year in advance? And then spends every day milking it for cheap sentimentality?

On the program tonight — Lindsay Lohan. She thinks I'm Dr. Phil. She's very excited to be here tonight because this means she'll have an alibi.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Researchers say our brains are changing because of the Internet, because we're not reading in a linear fashion anymore. So the Internet is destroying our brains. That's what The Washington Post says. That’s a newspaper. They are going to say the Internet's bad. That's like Cat Fancy magazine coming out against dogs.

The Washington Post says Americans spend five hours online every day. And that's just signing up for Obamacare.

Classic novels will have to be more like tweets so people can understand them. You'll no longer join Oprah's Book Club. It will be Oprah's Tweet Club.

Titles of classic books will have to be changed for people with short attention spans. You'll have "A Tale of One City." "The Hitch-Hiker's Guide to Fresno." "The Grape of Wrath." "Of Mouse and Man." "The Guinness Book of One or Two Things." “Gulliver’s Staycation.”

Jimmy Kimmel Live
Nowadays high school students make videos asking models to go to the prom with them. Kate Upton is here tonight to tell them to stop.

The price of beef is skyrocketing. Which means it's time to start hoarding jerky.

There is a bacon shortage on the way. A mysterious virus has been killing pigs. We might have to eat L.T. sandwiches.

Do you know what a great substitute for bacon is? Nothing! There is no substitute for bacon.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
Yesterday Hillary Clinton admitted she is thinking about running for president. Though it would be more shocking if she admitted to ever thinking about anything else.

France has passed new legislation that makes it illegal to work after 6 p.m. They’re hoping to encourage workers to spend more time with their mistresses.

A Swedish software company has created a new app that records and analyzes what you say during sleep. You can tell the app is working when it’s mad at you the whole next day.

New research shows that seniors can improve their memory by looking after their grandchildren once a week. Because nothing improves a person’s memory like frantically trying to remember where they left their grandchild.

Mon, Aug 04, 2014

#2962

Late Night From 04/10

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
I have a big announcement: Starting in 2015, I will be the new host of the Colbert Report on Comedy Central.

Congratulations to our pal Stephen Colbert, who will be taking over for David Letterman next year. People in the media are already talking about there being a new late-night war — and I just want to say there’s not going to be any war. It’ll be a late-night dance-off. Get ready, Stephen.

With the World Cup just a few a months away, Brazil still hasn’t finished building the stadiums. Now there's talk that the World Cup is looking into other places to hold the games. I'm not an expert on soccer, but have they tried ANY empty field?

A math blogger says he’s figured out “the world’s favorite number.” It turns out that it's “7.” The least popular number? The fake phone number you get when you tell a girl you're a math blogger.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
North Korea is negotiating to broadcast the "Teletubbies." They have to make changes for North Korean TV. For starters, every episode will end with one of the Teletubbies being executed. And, of course, every Teletubby will have Kim Jung Un's haircut.

CNN announced that Anthony Bourdain's show is taking over Piers Morgan's time slot. Anthony is a culinary expert who loves good food. His show is the highest-rated series on CNN. But let's be honest. The highest-rated series on CNN is like being the least drunk Australian.

Anthony Bourdain wrote books about food. Hey, let's play "Books About Food." There's "The Ketchup on the Rye." "To Grill a Mockingbird." "The Burritos of Madison County." "Lord of the Onion Rings." "50 Shades of Gravy." "Harry Pot Roast."

I'm announcing my retirement. I'm announcing my retirement for a couple of minutes until the commercials are over and then I'm making a comeback.

Jimmy Kimmel Live
Apparently a lot of people are naming their kids after characters from "Game of Thrones." The name "Khaleesi" has gone way up. What better way to be reminded of gratuitous sex and violence than whenever you call your child.

I love "Game of Thrones." But don't name your baby "Khaleesi." If not for your kid's sake, do it for the poor baristas at Starbucks.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
A super-PAC urging Hillary Clinton to run for president says it raised $1.7 million in the first three months of the year. Said President Obama, “I’ll kick in another million if she’s willing to start early.”

The federal judge presiding over a court case between Apple and Samsung has threatened to confiscate all phones following frequent disruptions — while lawyers from Blackberry just now got the email with the court date.

A new study shows that young adults suffering from insomnia are at higher risk of a stroke. So, that information should help you finally get some sleep.

New reports show that the price of Whole Foods stock has gone up twelve-fold since 2008. The stock is valued at $50.32 a share, or about one cantaloupe from Whole Foods.

Tue, Aug 05, 2014

#2963

Late Night From 04/11

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon

A woman in Las Vegas was arrested after she threw a shoe at Hillary Clinton while Hillary was giving a speech. The woman was tackled, cuffed, and thrown into a police car. Then the cops said, “Normally, WE do that, Hillary, but thank you for the help.”

After handling the bumpy rollout of the Obamacare site, Kathleen Sebelius announced today that she is resigning. Which explains why being thrown under a bus is now covered by Obamacare.

The White House just released President Obama’s tax returns, which show that he and Michelle paid 98 thousand dollars in taxes last year. When he saw that, even Obama said, "Thanks, Obama."

Next week Google will give the public the chance to buy its $1,500 Google Glass. Finally ending the stereotype that people who wear glasses are smart.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
The Coachella Music Festival begins this weekend. It's held every year in the California desert. It's a whole weekend of peace, love, and $12 bottles of water.

If you're a hipster who likes indie music, Coachella is the place to walk around saying, "I liked them before they sold out," and "I liked them before you did."

It's close to L.A., so a lot of celebrities go to Coachella. Danny DeVito goes every year. And if you rub his head, you get three wishes.

Wed, Aug 06, 2014

#2964

Late Night From 04/14

Conan O'Brien
Yesterday, North Korea held its annual marathon. Congratulations to first, second and third place winner, Kim Jong Un.

A new study says being optimistic or pessimistic may be largely genetic. In the words of my father, we're all screwed.

A Colorado company has introduced the first marijuana vending machine. As a result, the vending machines around it are doing much better.

They say Jesus had a wife. Maybe so. He's not the first husband to get killed after drinking with 12 of his guy friends.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
It's a great day if you love the moon. And who doesn't love the moon? Al-Qaida.

Tonight's a very rare occurrence. A blood moon eclipse. Doctors believe if you stare at a lunar eclipse for just three minutes, you may have smoked too much marijuana.

The blood moon is the second most impressive type of eclipse. Number one will always be a total eclipse of the heart.

The blood moon will be at its reddest at 3:07 a.m. That's two hours from now. It is good that it is on at that time because everyone knows there is nothing good on TV after midnight.

Thu, Aug 07, 2014

#2965

Late Night From 04/15

Conan O'Brien
Late last night a phenomenon occurred that scientists say won't happen again until next fall. Yeah, that's right, the Lakers won.

In Afghanistan's early election, Abdullah Abdullah is doing great, especially among old people and stutterers.

The Supreme Court of India has ruled that there are three genders, not two. The three genders are male, female, and Bieber.

Donald Trump says he's serious about buying an NFL team. Trump said, "I love football. That's why I wear this helmet."

Scientists now believe that Jesus Christ had a wife. They also believe that Jesus' nephew called Jesus' wife the "Auntie Christ."

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
It's tax day today. Good news for the studio audience. You can deduct your laughter as a charitable donation.

Every year, the IRS collects over $950 billion in taxes. There's more money coming at them than a stripper at Charlie Sheen's house.

Let's play "How busy do accountants get on tax day"? They're busier than drug dealers at Coachella. Busier than someone doing sign language for Regis Philbin. Busier than Justin Bieber's lawyer. Busier than gossip blogs when a late-night show's host retires.

A new study says that an average person's chances of getting audited by the IRS is the lowest they've been since the 1980s. Don't get any ideas, Willie Nelson.

Fri, Aug 08, 2014

#2966

Late Night From 04/16

Conan O'Brien
This year's Easter Sunday happens to fall on the same day as the marijuana holiday, 4/20. Which means no matter what your religion, this Sunday you're probably going to see a giant bunny.

Speaking of religion, the Pope let two 11-year-old boys ride in the Pope-mobile with him. Afterwards the Vatican told the Pope, "That's not the kind of publicity we're looking for."

Some experts are claiming that watching porn is bad for your sex life. Those experts are called wives.

Domino's debuted a new pizza where instead of dough, they're using fried chicken. It's called "Domino's deep dish you're all going to die."

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Today is the 50th anniversary of the first Rolling Stones album. The band is still going strong. Thanks, drugs.

The Rolling Stones celebrated today by partying late into the afternoon.

There is a new survey out today, the best and worst jobs in America. The worst job is lumberjack. Being a lumberjack must be tough. For one thing, you have to wear plaid. And that is so 1990s.

There are a lot of shows about lumberjacks, like "Ax Men" on the History channel. They're all over cable TV: "Bark and Recreation." "Saw and Order." "The Branchelor." "The Wood Wife." "Two Oak Girls." "The Big Branch Theory." "Game of Pine Cones."

Sat, Aug 09, 2014

#2967

Late Night From 04/17

Conan O'Brien
A new report claims that posing with a dog in your online dating profile makes you more desirable — and posing with a cat means you're going to die alone.

A Southwest Airlines pilot who famously landed at the wrong airport has retired. He tried to retire to Florida but ended up in Alabama.

Potential Republican candidate Jeb Bush is married to an immigrant from Mexico. Yeah, so they're taking our jobs and our Jebs.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Chelsea Clinton is pregnant. There is another one coming. A little baby Clinton. People are already wondering, is the baby a girl? Is it a boy? Is it going to run for president in 2016?

It's a great day for Victoria Beckham, also known as Posh Spice. It is her birthday. You know who also has a birthday? The Ford Mustang. Now the Ford Mustang and Posh Spice are very different, of course. One's a sleek machine that's been redesigned a couple of times over the years but is still a great ride. And the other one is a Mustang.

According to a new survey, being a mathematician is the best job in America. So congratulations, nerds.

I'm announcing my retirement. Well, just until after the commercial.

Sun, Aug 10, 2014

#2968

Late Night From 04/21

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
A new survey found that 81 percent of parents admit to stealing Easter candy from their children. While the other 19 percent of parents don't think it counts as stealing if you bought the candy in the first place.

Vladimir Putin said he thinks that President Obama would save him if he were drowning. Then President Obama said, “There's only one way to find out.”

Congrats to Chelsea Clinton. Last week, she announced that she is expecting her first child. If it’s a girl, it’ll get some of Chelsea’s old hand-me-downs; and if it’s a boy, it’ll get some of Hillary’s.

Some people are claiming they have spotted the Loch Ness monster on Apple Maps. But it turned out it was just a car that drove into the lake because it was using Apple Maps.

The Late Show with David Letterman
A 16-year-old kid got on an airplane in San Jose, but he didn't really get on. He just climbed up into the landing gear on a flight to Hawaii. At JetBlue that's business class.

The 16-year-old kid claims that he passed out right after take-off and woke up just before landing. Isn't that everybody's dream flight?

Toronto Mayor Rob Ford is running for re-election, and he's got a catchy campaign slogan: "Forget my first term. I was on crack."

Hillary Clinton is going to be a grandmother. She's very excited about it. She's home right now knitting a tiny pantsuit.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Today is John Muir Day. He is the father of our national parks, the most famous naturalist of all time. Do not confuse a "Naturalist" with a "Naturist." A naturalist is an expert on nature. A naturist is an expert on walking around outside naked.

John Muir devoted his life to preserving nature. Without his tireless effort, America would be a dirty, over-developed commercial wasteland. Or as we call that here, "Los Angeles."

John Muir and I actually have a lot in common. He was born in Scotland. I was born in Scotland. He relocated to America. I relocated to America. His activism changed U.S. history. I relocated to America.

John Muir was so dedicated to the environment that he would house woodland creatures in his beard. That's Scottish tradition. Sean Connery does it in his chest hair.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
Chelsea Clinton has announced that she is pregnant with her first child. The baby is expected to crawl after nine months and run in 2055.

This weekend over 37,000 people went to Denver to participate in the 4th annual Cannabis Cup. And they all made memories that would last a few minutes.

Last week, NBA Commissioner Adam Silver announced that he wants to raise the league’s age minimum from 19 to 20. The league’s age maximum will continue to be Kevin Garnett.

Mon, Aug 11, 2014

#2969

Late Night From 04/22

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
Today is Earth Day. It’s the day we celebrate the "three Rs:” Reduce, reuse, and, uh, Retweet? I don’t know.

In honor of Earth Day, Apple announced that it will recycle all of its used products for free. That’s right, they’re recycling Apple products. And then Samsung said, “Beat you to it.”

Apple will recycle its used products for free. That's not to be confused with what Apple normally does — when it recycles its old ideas for $600.

Joe Biden said the U.S. will help Ukraine with financial aid as long as the leaders tackle corruption. Because if anything stops corruption, it's bribing someone to stop corruption.

The Late Show with David Letterman
Happy Earth Day. And because it's Earth Day, we'll be using a solar-powered applause sign.

Earth is 71 percent water. No, wait a minute. That's Yankee Stadium beer.

Stephen Colbert is here, ladies and gentlemen. He's here. He just dropped by to sign the lease.

I don't know if you've heard this, but Stephen Colbert will be taking over the show sometime next year — pending the physical.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
It's the new season of "Deadliest Catch," which kicked off tonight on the Discovery Channel. It's in its 10th season. That's 10 seasons of doing the same repetitive task over and over again. I can't relate to that at all.

"Deadliest Catch" reminds me of this show. They started in 2005. We started in 2005. They have a lot of cursing. We have a lot of cursing. They have multiple Emmy awards. We have lots of cursing.

Being a crab fisherman is a very dangerous job. It's like being prime minister of Ukraine. Or Kim Jong Un's chess opponent.

Jimmy Kimmel Live
Happy Earth Day. Earth Day was founded in 1970. It's the one day of the year we tell the Earth we love it. With the other 364 days we try to kill it.

After what we have done to it, it is almost disrespectful to have an Earth Day. It's like lice declaring a Head Day.

Everyone celebrates Earth Day in his or her own way. In honor of Earth Day, I have filled all four of my pockets with fresh potting soil.

President Obama's approval rating is on the rise. It was 39 percent in November. It is up to 45 percent. His approval rating has gone from terrible to slightly less terrible.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
Today is Earth Day. At least according to the guy who saw me throw a banana peel in the blue trash can.

The Christian Science Monitor is claiming “Hillary Clinton will be a tad less interested in running for president now that she’s about to be a grandmother.” And if you put a grain of sand in your pocket there’s a tad less sand on the beach.

Dutch designers have created a baby’s onesie that comes with built-in Wi-Fi. That way, your child can search the web for better parents.

Tue, Aug 12, 2014

#2970

Late Night From 04/23

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
A pharmaceutical company in Canada is offering $47 billion to buy the company that makes Botox. People at Botox were pretty excited — I mean, you should've seen the look that wasn't on their faces.

Congrats to Spurs coach Gregg Popovich, who was named the NBA Coach of the Year for the third time. While a random guy waiting for a train was named coach of the Knicks.

A zoo in China has a depressed panda so they just installed a TV in its cage to cheer it up. Then the panda said, "Or, you could let me out of animal jail."

New York City is getting a new bakery that promises to sell low-calorie doughnuts. The doughnuts come in a variety of flavors including, “So-so,” “Just OK,” and “Almost Like a Real Doughnut.”

The Late Show with David Letterman
Evil Vladimir Putin said this about President Obama. He said, "If I were drowning, I think President Obama would rescue me." And I thought: Well, give that a try.

A kid, 16 years old, got on a plane in San Jose and flew all the way to Hawaii riding on the landing gear. And the airline is embarrassed, so they say next time he wants to fly they will get him a spot in the baggage compartment. They'll upgrade him.

Sometime this week, Queen Elizabeth will turn 88 years old. A lot of people really enjoy the royal family. I don't. I didn't vote for them, so what do I care?

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
The mayor of Amsterdam is trying to close the city's marijuana shops. Amsterdam without pot is like late-night TV without middle-aged white guys. It would be like a “Real Housewife” without Botox. Like Lance Armstrong without steroids. It would be like Ukraine without Russian troops.

Happy birthday to comedian George Lopez. Who else has a birthday? None other than William Shakespeare. Please don't applaud. He can't hear you.

William Shakespeare and George Lopez are very different, of course. One's a genius wordsmith whose timeless observations on the human condition can make you laugh one minute, cry the next. The other one is Shakespeare.

Jimmy Kimmel Live
Yesterday was Earth Day. And today we went right back to throwing Jamba Juice cups in the rainforest.

I never know what to get the Earth for Earth Day. So I just bought it an iTunes gift card and buried it.

We all know how humans feel about Earth day. I wonder how Earth feels about it.

People magazine today unveiled their annual list of the 50 most beautiful people. People magazine has an interesting process for choosing the most beautiful person. The editors look at every single person on Earth. Then they vote. It is really the only fair way to do it.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
A Kansas man on trial for first-degree murder wants to remove a tattoo across his neck reading “murder” because he’s worried it might prejudice the jury. Though he might be able to create reasonable doubt by just adding a question mark.

China’s state media has announced that its “Cleaning the Web” Campaign has successfully shut down 110 porn websites. That’s like New York City announcing that their “Cleaning the Subway” campaign has successfully exterminated one rat.

The Detroit Metropolitan Airport has unveiled indoor patches of grass that serve as toilets for service dogs. And The New York subway continues to offer hundreds of square miles of tile that serve as toilets for everybody.

Wed, Aug 13, 2014

#2971

Late Night From 04/24

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
While he was in Japan today, President Obama visited a science museum, where he played soccer with a robot. Joe Biden is negotiating with the prime minister in Ukraine, and Obama is playing soccer with a robot. It's like the White House version of "Freaky Friday."

Yankees pitcher Michael Pineda was ejected last night for having pine tar on his neck, and rubbing it on his hand to get a better grip on the ball — because league rules clearly state that all illegal substances must be put INSIDE your body.

Hooters is coming out with a new loyalty program to help frequent customers track their receipts and orders. So if you're someone who goes to Hooters enough to take part in their loyalty program, I'm sorry your wife got the house.

Police in Canada were called after a bear got its head stuck in a jar and then walked down the street. Animal control immediately removed the jar and said, “Oh, sorry we didn't recognize you, Mayor Ford.”

The Late Show with David Letterman
President Obama is visiting Japan, and for dinner last night he had $300 sushi. That's a lot of dough, but you know, it comes with unlimited bread sticks. And Mercury poisoning is covered by Obamacare.

Today is "Bring Your Sons and Daughters to Work Day." And my kids are here — Tina, Nancy, and Frank, Jr.

The Yankees played last night and their pitcher had pine tar on his neck. You can't have a foreign substance on your neck. Why can't the guy be like everybody else and just forget the pine tar and use the steroids?

I don't know what's the matter with that pitcher. There's only one place for pine tar in baseball and that's on the hot dogs.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Today the Pentagon announced they are going to spend millions shooting clouds with super-lasers to create more precipitation. It's in The Washington Post newspaper. A newspaper is like a blog except everything is from yesterday.

Controlling the weather would be great because L.A. is so dry right now. Our rainfall is lower than Obama's approval ratings. It's lower than the Lakers winning percentage. It's lower than CNN's ratings. Lower than Tom Cruise's foot stool. Lower than the box office for that new Johnny Depp movie.

Lasers that control the weather are hard to explain. Basically they hit the cloud and create nitric acid particles that bind water molecules to create condensation nuclei. I hope that clears it up for you.

Jimmy Kimmel Live
President Obama is in Japan today. They showed him a robot developed by Honda that can kick a soccer ball. It's cute watching the president interact with a prototype that will one day enslave us all, isn't it?

A strange new product is coming to your liver this fall — Palcohol, which is powdered alcohol. It's like Crystal Light that will get you drunk.

Palcohol is great for astronauts looking to get wasted in space.

Palcohol flavors include Vodka, rum, mojito, cosmopolitan, and lemon drop. I think Keith Richards will sprinkle this stuff on his Cheerios in the morning.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
Today is "Take Your Child to Work Day." Or as kids refer to it, "Play With an iPad in a Corner Day."

Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel announced plans to build the Barack Obama College Preparatory High School, which will open in 2017. The Obama school is expected to be very popular . . . at first.

McDonald’s has given their clown mascot Ronald McDonald a makeover, trading in his jumpsuit for cropped pants and a blazer. While McDonald’s customers are trading in their sweatpants for bigger sweatpants.

Facebook has acquired a new mobile app that would allow users to track their exercise and measure how many calories they’ve burned. So if you love Facebook, and you love exercise, you’re lying about one of those.

Thu, Aug 14, 2014

#2972

Late Night From 04/25

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
The city of Chicago is building a new high school named after President Obama. I hear their student government isn’t that good, but the golf team is amazing.

Hillary Clinton made news this week, when she said that older women can still make a difference in politics. Even her supporters said, “Oh my God, just say you're running already!”

Facebook has come out with a new feature that lets people see where their friends are at all times. It's called, “Nearby Friends,” which is better than the original title, “Avoiding Relatives."

More than 70,000 people will travel to Indianapolis this weekend for the annual meeting of the National Rifle Association. The weekend will feature a brunch, a gun raffle, and no sudden movements.

The Late Show with David Letterman
Beautiful day outside. I mean, 65 and sunny, like Katie Couric.

They're auctioning off stuff from the Titanic. There's a menu of what was being served in the dining room the night the "Titanic" sank. And listen to this, the salad they were featuring that night: iceberg lettuce. True story.

I'd like to have that Titanic menu. It would go great with my Hindenburg soup spoon.

President Obama is in Japan. He's over there visiting the Benihana Training Institute.

President Obama is out of the country. Vice President Joe Biden is out of the country. And you know what happens then. They turn over nuclear launch codes to Oprah.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
There was a man in Rhode Island that was arrested after he tried to rob a bank using a potato shaped like a gun. I'm glad he didn't try that here in L.A. People would have freaked out. "Oh no, carbs! Back off, everybody! He's packing carbs! "

It's Arbor Day, when we all celebrate trees. As well we should. Because trees require so little attention, yet do so much to enhance the world. They're opposite of the Kardashians.

Arbor Day started in Nebraska in the 1800s. Nebraska's governor thought of that while Nebraska was famous for corn, while today Nebraska is best known for . . . corn.

Friday is also World Penguin Day. Penguins are more popular since the "March of the Penguins" movie. I'm not sure why it's called "March of the Penguins." Penguins don't really march. They just kind of waddle. Like fat people on vacation.

Fri, Aug 15, 2014

#2973

Late Night From 04/28
Part 1

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
Donald Sterling, owner of the L.A. Clippers, got caught on tape allegedly spewing vial racist hate to his mistress. You know it's bad when you get caught on tape with your mistress and it's what you said that's the problem.

Right now every NBA fan here in Los Angeles knows there's a dark, ugly cloud of shame hanging over the Staples Center. But enough about the Lakers. There's also the Sterling thing.

Aquaman is making his big screen debut. He will be in the upcoming Justice League movie. Unlike other superheroes, Aquaman doesn't wear a mask. He hides his identity another way — by not being popular enough to need a secret identity.

I'm not clear how Aquaman will get into the Justice League headquarters. It's an all-glass building with no rivers or streams leading to it. It gives me a bad feeling that Aquaman arrives through the toilet.

Jimmy Kimmel Live
Clippers owner Donald Sterling was caught on tape saying racist things to a woman. The NAACP was set to give him a second lifetime achievement award but rescinded the honor. I think that's a mistake. I think he should be forced to show up and accept the NAACP award.

Everyone agrees that Sterling should be forced to sell the team. I have a solution. I will buy the team. Donald Sterling, I will give you $5,000 in cash. Do with it whatever you want. Give it to the NAACP. Maybe they'll give you another award.

I would be proud to take the reins of what once was and again will be the worst, most miserable franchise in all of sports.

President Obama was asked if he would you save Vladimir Putin if Putin were drowning. Obama said, "Yeah, I would save Putin. I would save anyone except Donald Sterling."

Late Night With Seth Meyers
Pope Francis today tweeted to his 4 million Twitter followers, "Inequality is the root of social evil." So it looks like he's giving away his season tickets to the Clippers.

A new study shows that teens who mix alcohol and marijuana are more likely to have a bad driving record. Also, you can take out the word "driving" and replace it with anything.

A Beverly Hills podiatrist makes his living by giving women the "Cinderella Procedure," a surgery that alters the shape of feet so they can fit into designer shoes more comfortably. One day, God willing, technology will advance to where it's easier to alter a shoe than a human foot.

A woman claiming to be Hitler's maid said that he pretended to adhere to a healthy diet but actually had an insatiable sweet tooth. I knew if we waited long enough, we'd eventually find some dirt on that guy.

Sat, Aug 16, 2014

#2974

Late Night From 04/28
Part 2

The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
L.A. Clippers owner Donald Sterling was recorded telling his girlfriend not to hang out with black people. Some people are actually defending Sterling, saying he has a very good record of hiring minorities. For instance, he always has at least one white guy on the team.

President Obama is calling Donald Sterling's racist remarks “incredibly offensive.” And you know it's bad when even Vladimir Putin says, “I hate to say it, but I am with Obama on this one.”

George Clooney is engaged. You can tell he’s excited to get married because he’s been throwing himself a bachelor party for the last 20 years.

German Chancellor Angela Merkel will travel to the U.S. next month to talk with President Obama about the situation in Ukraine. And to try to get Clooney to change his mind.

Conan O'Brien
Here in L.A., Donald Sterling, the owner of the Clippers, has been caught on tape making racist remarks. After the audio was released, the NAACP decided not to honor Sterling with a second lifetime achievement award. Instead, they're giving him "The Reason We Still Need an NAACP" award.

Today Donald Trump called Sterling's remarks disgusting and his girlfriend a terrible human being. Then Trump said, "And that's why I've invited them both to join the next season of 'Celebrity Apprentice.'"

The L.A. Clippers protested their owner's racist remarks by wearing their uniforms inside-out. Meanwhile, the L.A. Lakers have been wearing their uniforms inside-out so no one would know they play for the Lakers.

Spanish scientists say they have discovered the oldest reproduction of Jesus Christ. It's a selfie he took with Larry King.

The Late Show with David Letterman
George Clooney is engaged to be married. How about that. Good for George. Another success story for eHarmony.com.

In Rome we got two new saints, and it's the first time we had two Popes officiating over the canonization. St. Peter's square was packed. The first 50,000 people got bobblehead dolls.

Clippers owner Donald Sterling is in trouble for making racist remarks. It must be terribly embarrassing for this guy, you know, to be identified as the owner of the Clippers.

Earlier today Sterling was rushed to the Paula Deen Rehab Center in Georgia.

Sun, Aug 17, 2014

#2975

Late Night From 04/29
Part 1

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
The NBA has banned Clippers owner Donald Sterling for life. He's pretty old. They could've just said two years. It would have been the same thing.

Sterling is not allowed to have any contact with any professional basketball whatsoever. It's like he's an honorary L.A. Laker.

They fined Sterling $2.5 million. At a typical NBA game, $2.5 million is what you pay for those big foam fingers.

Tony Award nominations were announced this morning. They celebrate the best of Broadway. The ceremony will be hosted by Hugh Jackman, but I wouldn't count on it because here at CBS hosts seem to be jumping ship left and right.

Jimmy Kimmel Live
Clippers owner Donald Sterling was captured on tape saying very racist things to his girlfriend. NBA Commissioner Adam Silver handed down the toughest punishment possible. Friends say to help lift his spirits, Sterling has been watching "12 Years a Slave" in reverse.

Someone who doesn't want to associate with black people owning an NBA franchise is like a vegan buying a steakhouse.

The CEO of Starbucks announced plans to open 600 new stores in the United States. Is there room for 600 more? There are two on every corner already.

Believe it or not, Starbucks says they're significantly under-stored, which I didn't know was a phrase. For instance, currently there is no Starbucks at the bottom of the Grand Canyon. That needs to be fixed immediately.

Late Night With Seth Meyers
This afternoon the NBA laid out the punishment for Clippers owner Donald Sterling. It will include a lifetime ban from the NBA, a $2.5 million fine, and two free throws.

A large Budweiser blimp was reported to be floating somewhere above New Jersey after it broke loose over the weekend. Which brings New Jersey’s total of out-of-control blimps to two.

Frontier Airlines has announced new plans to make customers pay for advanced seat assignments and to use the overhead bins. Frontier passengers applauded the move, since you actually get way more leg room if you sit in the overhead bin.

A New York man is being sued for a quarter of a million dollars after his ex-girlfriend claimed he harassed her with nearly a hundred emails. If 100 emails are worth a quarter of a million dollars, that means Crate & Barrel owes me $256 billion.

Top of page